Original subtitles

For as long as Devi could remember,

Valentine's Day had been nothing but a humbling annual reminder

that she was a stone-cold loser.

You will always be my Valentine, kanna.

As far as she was concerned,

this holiday sucked a fat one.

Whoops, sorry, little boy. I'm supposed to be next door.

But today, Devi had a boyfriend,

and Valentine's Day was gonna frickin' rule.

- Happy Valentine's Day. - Hey.

I've got a really romantic date planned for us tonight.

- Ooh. - I Febrezed my futon and everything.

Put that in your vape pen and vape it, loser single girls.

All right. Well, I gotta grab some things before class, but I'll see you later.

Okay.

Nothing was gonna ruin today.

- Hey, what's up? - Yo, what up, dude?

Not even the fear that Devi may have inadvertently rekindled something

between Paxton and his smoking hot ex.

- Oh, Paxton, wait. Guess what? - Yep.

You're my perfect match.

What are you talking about? What is that? Oh!

Happy Valentine's.

Here's your results from the student council's

compatibility quiz you took yesterday at lunch.

Oh God.

Maybe there's another Eric Perkins at this school.

- No way, man. - Walk much?

What?

♪ Run it up, run it up Run it up, run it up ♪

♪ Run it up, run it up, run it ♪

♪ Run it up, run it up ♪

Valentine's Day sucks!

I just don't get how I, a person who's dating the hottest boy in school,

is most compatible with Eric.

Are you more mad that you got Eric,

or that Haley got Paxton?

I'm happy that they're friends again.

I just wish they weren't such good friends.

You don't have to worry about Haley. Paxton is super into you.

I know, but he and Haley have known each other forever,

and they have had sex.

And now I'm picturing them having sex and...

Oh my God, I realized why the computer said they were a perfect match.

Don't read into it that much.

It's just a dumb quiz made by dumb teenagers in a dumb school.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Aneesa.

This awkward hello is courtesy of the following interaction

that has yet to be discussed.

Um, did you just call this quiz dumb?

It was actually developed by Nobel prize-winning scientists at MIT.

Its accuracy is undisputed.

So, educate yourselves.

Sorry, Jonah.

I can't believe I got Gears Brosnan. I didn't even know he filled out a quiz.

- Who'd you guys get? - I got Trent.

Yeah, I got Ben.

Oh wow, Ben. That's so cool

since he's your boyfriend and all.

Hey, Fab, do you feel weird today?

Why? Do I seem weird? Does it seem like something weird happened?

No, I was just wondering 'cause, you know, it's Valentine's Day,

and you must miss Eve.

Oh. Um...

Yeah, yeah, that's... I do. I miss her.

Speaking of relationships,

I don't think all the couples here are gonna make it through Valentine's.

- What? - Why do you say that?

Because I need to dump Trent.

Wait, I thought things were going well.

I mean, it's been fun.

He's just not very deep.

Like, I'm a second away

from bursting into either song or tears at every moment of the day.

Shouldn't I be with another artist or at least another Sagittarius?

Got you, babe.

Oh, hey.

Yeah, I got you too.

Wow, those MIT guys are good.

I guess.

But doesn't this quiz feel kind of creepy? Like, real 1984 vibes.

The Taylor Swift album?

No, Aneesa.

The book by George Orwell.

God, I've gotta get you a little library card, huh?

I'd argue that 1989 has more literary relevance

than anything George Orwell ever wrote.

Is that true? I only listen to podcasts.

Dr. Vishwakumar, your next patient is here.

Hi. Rhyah, what brings you in today?

Oh, I just wanted to say hi.

Also, I have this tiny burning rash going up my arm,

but I mostly just wanted to say hi.

Okay, let me take a look.

- Okay. - How are things with you?

- I'm good. How are you doing? - Good. Good, good.

- Itchy? - Yeah.

- Kind of flaky? - Little bit.

Mmm. Looks like tinea corporis.

- Oh, what's that? - It's basically athlete's foot.

Or in this case, we can call it athlete's forearm.

See, I knew my yoga studio wasn't washing their mats properly.

I stayed late one time and watched them flip 'em over.

Don't worry about it. It's actually fairly common.

I'm just gonna write you a prescription for anti-fungal cream.

It should clear up in a few weeks.

Fungal infection on Valentine's Day. Very sexy.

Do you have any plans tonight?

Nalini had completely forgotten about Valentine's Day.

She had always considered it a stupid holiday.

But now with Mohan gone, it felt different.

No.

Mohan, no.

We agreed last year no Valentine's Day gifts.

This is different. You'll like it.

I spent hardly any money.

You got me a bobblehead of you?

Yeah.

Now you can knock me around when I'm being hardheaded.

Did you give yourself a stronger jaw?

Well...

Maybe.

Nope.

No Valentine's Day plans

other than tending to the many demanding people in my household

who drain me of my money and energy.

Well, you should still celebrate.

Hey, you need to carve out some fun time for you.

Every day.

I already do that for six hours every night when I'm asleep.

That's not what I mean.

What are you doing tomorrow night? Let's have a gals hang.

Oh. Uh...

I don't think I can.

Just really busy.

Sorry.

Okay, no worries.

But I'm gonna leave you my number just in case you change your mind.

- Dr. Vishwakumar. - Mm-hmm.

Your mother-in-law's on the phone.

She's accidentally locked herself in the garage again.

She said it's no rush, but the stove is on.

Good morning, students.

Who knows what this is?

That's a 34C, front clasp, demi-cup.

No, Trent. This is oppression.

Uh, they used to be made of more flammable materials.

The point is,

we are starting our unit on the women's rights movement,

and it will take us all the way till the end of the year.

We're studying the women's rights movement for the next four months?

What about Watergate?

What about Iran-Contra? What about 9/11?

Uh, would you like to tell the women in this classroom

that those events mean more to you than their rights?

We need to know other things for the AP test.

Reclaiming my time.

The first assignment.

I need all of you to break up into groups

and rewrite the Bill of Rights as if it were written,

not by Founding Fathers

but instead by Founding Mothers.

Can you believe this? This is why we need real textbooks.

Well, according to you, I don't read books.

So I guess I'm cool with it.

Excuse me, is this seat taken?

Yeah, actually. My superhot boyfriend. Mm-hmm.

And he's a real psycho, so...

- Damn. The cute ones are always taken. - Mm-hmm.

How's your Valentine's Day going?

It was good at the start,

and then I got Eric on the compatibility quiz.

Mm. He's not so bad.

He's always the first to notice when I get a new haircut.

I guess.

I just kind of wanted to get my smokeshow boyfriend,

but apparently the computer feels like he's out of my league.

Okay. First of all, you're my smokeshow girlfriend.

And secondly,

the computer thinks you're exactly in my league.

Hallelujah.

Who cares if Devi's perfect match was Eric

as long as Paxton's perfect match was her?

According to Nobel scientists,

she was basically the only one in the whole world for him.

So suck on that, Haley.

Oh, it seems as if it is still flammable. Everyone out!

Men and teachers last.

Yo, babe. I have an amazing Valentine's plan.

Picture this, candlelight dinner.

You, me, my Uncle Joe.

Wear something sexy.

Yeah. Um, Trent, I think we should talk.

Oh wow.

Anytime someone says that to me,

it always means great news.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Well, I don't think I can come to Valentine's with your Uncle Joe.

Why? Is it because he hogs the crescent rolls?

Or are you worried he's gonna try to put you in one of his TV commercials?

One of his, 'scuse me, whats?

His commercials. He owns a chain of blinds stores.

Chances are you've seen them while pumping gas.

Wait. Is your Uncle Joe Captain Joe,

the pirate who makes high prices walk the plank?

That's him. Yeah, whenever we have dinner together,

he always ropes everyone at the table into being in his next commercial.

Oh, wow.

But we could always just go out to a restaurant.

No, I'll be there.

Valentine's Day is about family. Thanks for reminding me of that.

Hey.

Something wrong? You kinda bit my head off back there.

Yeah. Well, I didn't love the way you talked to me earlier.

That little library card remark was messed up.

Aneesa, I was just teasing. It was just a joke.

Was it a joke? You seem genuinely embarrassed by me.

Of course, I'm not embarrassed of you.

You're amazing, and pretty, and cool, and fun.

So what if you don't know who some dumb author is.

I don't expect you to know everything that I know.

There it is. Right there.

You're so condescending.

You know what?

Hmm. Think I'm gonna take a rain check on Valentine's dinner.

What? Aneesa, wait.

Oh, come on. I didn't mean it like that.

Here we are again in the old bathroom.

Yeah. Um, Fabiola, about that.

I'm really sorry I kissed you.

Can we just forget about it?

Yeah. Yeah, no problem.

I'm... I'm still getting over Eve, so...

consider it forgotten.

Thank you.

Good talk.

- Whoa! Is that homemade rigatones with... - ...mozzarella?

Yep, as long as you count microwaving a Stouffer's as homemade.

I did cut that sprig of parsley and put it on there.

Uh, I think that's mint.

Nice, refreshing.

Hmm.

Look at us. You know, at first glance, we probably seem like a real odd couple.

Because, you know, you're Paxton Hall-Yoshida.

And I'm just, ugh, nerdy little me with no abs.

What? Don't talk about yourself like that.

Come on, you're awesome. You're beautiful. You're smart.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just saying,

despite that, those MIT scientists know what they're talking about.

- We're really good together. - Totes. Just like marinara and mint.

Sure, or things that more classically go together.

But anyway, we're a good team.

- Yeah, we are a good team. - Mm-hmm.

Hey, speaking of teams,

I'm gonna play paintball tomorrow with a bunch of dudes. Wanna come?

I absolutely do not.

But yet again, I love that we like different things,

because per the computer, opposites attract.

They sure do.

Happy Valentine's Day, Devi.

Oh, shit.

I totally forgot. I bought fancy Parm for this.

Not even the green can. It's like a little brick I have to grate.

So, BRB.

Devi was finally at peace in her relationship.

And though the bar was low,

she was having the most romantic meal of her life.

All she had to do now was lean back

and wait for her chiseled, doting boyfriend

to bring her freshly grated cheese and...

lie to her frickin' face.

What the hell?

Cheers to my most romantic Valentine's Day dinner yet.

- Eye contact. - Mmm. Sure.

Eye contact. Eleanor, eye contact.

Yep.

So, Captain Joe.

You know, I'm a big fan.

I love the commercial where you slash prices and some blinds

with your hook hand.

Thanks. Actually, I didn't mean to rip those blinds in half,

but we forgot to roll sound on the other take, so...

The performances are phenomenal.

Where do you find the actors?

Mmm... Mostly family dinners.

Oh, hey, you know, Eleanor is an actor.

A really good one.

Well, if you want, you can play a salty sea wench.

In your next commercial?

Yeah, sure.

Oh my God.

I'm a working actor.

I'm a working actor. Thank you so much.

Yeah, anything for someone who makes my nephew here so happy.

Oh, not even weed makes me this happy.

Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart.

Oh, Devi. Hi. Hey, do you want to have a little bit of dinner with me?

Your grandmother's having Galentine's with one of her cliques,

and believe I saw your cousin sneak into your teacher's crappy little Honda.

Uh, no, thanks. I already ate. I'm just gonna go up to my room.

Uh, I have a big test tomorrow.

As Nalini envisioned her night

watching a Hallmark movie with an inanimate object,

she started to entertain the possibility

that she might need to broaden her social horizons.

Hi, Rhyah! Still free tomorrow?

This is Nalini Vishwakumar.

Devi hadn't mentioned the card to Paxton,

instead she had spent the rest of dinner pretending to be happy,

like I did when I got runner-up at Wimbledon in 1980.

Not doing a great job there, bud.

Wow, you really weren't lying

about the Parmesan.

- It's delicious. - I know, right?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

I sure can trust you when it comes to cheese.

But obviously Devi was spiraling.

Why did Paxton lie to her?

And, more importantly,

was his perfect match who she thought it was?

Eric, we need to talk about the compatibility quiz. I know you got me.

Shh! Keep it down. You trying to ruin my rep, dork?

Excuse me, nerd?

I've spent the last two years trying to date someone who's hot

and become popular,

so that I'm not just the kid who lost his dad...

Damn. Maybe they were alike.

...at Disneyland.

I had to wait for him near the security desk.

Oh my God.

Ugh. This kid.

Well, I know Paxton made you trade cards with him. So tell me who he got.

- Hmm. Interesting. What's it worth to ya? - Just give me the card, Eric.

Oh, you mean this card?

Well, it is gonna cost you big time.

Haley.

Damn it.

No, I don't. No! I never said that.

- Is she laughing? That's five bucks then. - I'm not laughing.

How'd the rest of your Valentine's go? Did you break up with...

Ah! My boyfriend.

I'm gonna take that as a no.

No, I didn't break up with him. Instead, I used him to get to his uncle.

I'm gonna need you to elaborate on that.

His uncle's Captain Joe.

The blinds guy?

Yep, and I weaseled my way into one of his commercials.

Oh my God, Eleanor, you're gonna be in a commercial?

Yeah, but I feel really gross about it.

So what are you gonna do?

I think I have to let both Trent and the commercial go.

Maybe one of these days I'll meet someone who's right for me,

whose uncle also makes commercials.

And so Eric shows me Paxton's card, and it's frigging Haley.

Are you worried that something is going on between them?

I don't know.

I don't think so.

It's just... Why else would he lie?

Well, it was wrong for Paxton to be dishonest.

But why do you care so much about this test?

It's just...

when I see him talking to Haley, I feel really jealous.

They look so good together.

Like, no one would bat an eye if you said that they were a couple.

And you think you and Paxton are getting tons of eye bats?

I can't help but worry that this is some weird phase for him

where he dates a quirky, smart girl.

And at any moment, he's gonna be like,

"Yo, you know what I miss?"

"Superhot models with six-pack abs and, like, symmetrical boobs."

First of all, girl, nobody has symmetrical boobs.

Everybody's got a Biggie and a Smalls.

And secondly, that way of thinking is selling you both short.

- Like, look at this girl. - Do I have to?

Yes. Look at her stories.

Here she is doing a cool dance, ironically.

And here she is doing Pilates. Probably without even queefing.

And here she is playing paintball.

Wait, she's playing paintball? Doc, I gotta go.

Devi, don't. Let's work through this.

Devi, don't go...

Shit.

 Mmm, an açaí bowl. I never had one of these before.

- Really? - Mm-mm.

Oh, açaí bowls are great.

They're loaded with antioxidants, fiber. They boost brain function.

But really, they're just a way to eat tons of sugar and pretend it's healthy for you.

You sound like my husband. He had a huge sweet tooth.

One time he had three Pizookies.

That's a cookie the size of a pie.

Got very sick to the stomach.

But even in severe abdominal pain, he was still able to make me laugh.

I'm sorry, Nalini. Must be really difficult without him.

Yesterday was harder than I expected, you know.

I always thought Valentine's Day was stupid, but last night...

...I would've given anything for him to walk through the door

with a $5 teddy bear from the gas station.

I wish you could've had that too.

Saw a picture of him in your office. Good for you, girl.

- He was nice to look at, wasn't he? - Mmm.

But that's not what I miss most about him.

I truly just miss having my best friend around.

Well, it sounds like a new friend is just what's needed.

Let's do something fun. Have you ever had a blowout?

I fear this açaí bowl may lead to one.

No. No, no. I meant your hair. There's a blow-dry bar over there.

No, please.

I'm so embarrassed.

Sounds like fun.

What up? Let's get our P-ball on.

Hey, I didn't think you wanted to play.

I changed my mind.

As I always say,

a couple that shoots guns together has funs together...

Ah!

Wow, that is a sensitive trigger.

Dope.

Well, we already picked teams, but Trent's team is down a person.

Oh. Yeah. Sure. I'll be on Trent's team.

All right, cool. Let's go!

Welcome to the squad, Crazy Devi.

Okay, I've given it some thought, and here's our strategy.

If you see someone on the other team, shoot paintballs at them,

and then the second part of that strategy is

don't let them shoot paintballs that hit you.

Oh, and be careful 'cause Haley's a sick shot.

How good could she be?

- Jesus. - Yeah, she and Paxton are gonna smoke us.

Oh, which reminds me. I'm gonna get high before we do this.

As Devi looked over

at the so-called perfect match of Haley and Paxton,

she realized she had let this dumb compatibility test mess with her head,

and the only way to go forward was to let the test go.

But also, she decided the only way she could let the test go

is if she kicked Haley's ass at paintball

proving that she was Paxton's true perfect match.

What? You thought she was gonna be mature about this?

♪ It's not about you ♪

♪ All talk, hold court Oh Lord, I understood... ♪

Wow. Am I amazing at this?

♪ Shut up ♪

♪ It's not about me either... ♪

Ow.

♪ Chill ♪

♪ It's not about you, shut up ♪

♪ It's not about me either ♪

♪ It's us versus the grim reaper... ♪

Oh, I bruise so easily.

♪ I'm gonna ♪

♪ I'm gonna ♪

♪ It's not about you ♪

♪ I'ma kick your arse ♪

♪ I'ma kick your arse ♪

♪ I'ma kick your arse ♪

♪ If you don't drop the facade I said I'll hit the mark on the head ♪

♪ I said I'll bring you back from the dead ♪

♪ I did all that while you were in bed ♪

♪ And still had time To set the next trend ♪

♪ It's not about you ♪

- On your knees. - What?

Bet you thought you could beat me, huh?

I might not be as cute as you or as limber as you,

and my hair might not be as shiny as yours,

but I do have determination and grit

like the noble cockroach.

I don't know what's happening.

But could you shoot me so I can be out of the game and get a soda?

Okay, I'm gonna shoot you when I'm good and ready to...

- Yes! Blue team wins. Let's go! - Whoo!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Aneesa. Neese, wait. You have to talk to me.

I know that I messed up, and I was a dick. I'm really sorry.

Yeah, I don't think this is working out.

What? No. Why?

I don't think you respect me.

And you make me feel stupid,

and I'm not stupid.

I deserve someone who's excited to be with me just as I am

and who doesn't wish I was someone else.

Shit. Why are you in every room I enter?

I don't know the answer to that. Um, I can go, though.

Wait. Are you okay?

Ben and I just broke up.

Oh.

I... I'm really sorry, Aneesa.

It was for the best. He wasn't really right for me.

So I guess the test was wrong for you.

No. No. I lied about getting Ben.

I actually got a random freshman.

Listen, I am sure you will find another great guy soon.

Or, you know, a great girl if kissing me wasn't a fluke.

I'm sure the right person is out there.

Even though the conversation had some mixed signals,

Fabiola felt good about it. It was a start.

Well, in the meantime, I'm here if you want to talk.

Thanks, Fabiola.

You're a good friend.

Watch it, dude.

Nice job, Haley.

I can't believe you shot me.

You saw Haley and I sitting there, and you shot me, and I'm your girlfriend.

She was on my team.

And I thought we were a team.

- What is going on with you? - I know you lied.

I know you got Haley on the test, and you lied to me. Why?

I don't know. Maybe because

I thought you might take it badly if you knew I got Haley.

Why would you think that?

Well, because of how you're acting right now.

And also you've been really weird since Haley and I became friends again,

even though you're the one who made me apologize.

Sorry, but she's so beautiful and good with guns,

and could be Lara Croft for Halloween. How am I supposed to compete with that?

You don't.

Haley and I are just friends. I'm with you.

I know, but I don't understand why.

Why what?

Why I'm with you? Because I like you.

Yeah, but why? No one else thinks we make any sense.

No, you don't think we make any sense.

Because when we walk down the halls,

I know what everyone's thinking.

"Oh, why is he with her? He's too good for her."

Who cares what people think?

I think you're good enough for me.

But I can't keep trying to convince you of that.

What does that mean?

Look, Devi, I-I really like you, but...

I-I don't think we can have a real relationship

until you like yourself.

I'm sorry.

♪ I'll burn down ♪

♪ And sleep in the warm ashes On the ground ♪

Whoa, Eleanor!

Are you here to play paintball too?

Weird. I wouldn't have pegged that as one of your interests.

It's not, Trent. I wanted to talk to you.

- Well, then it's good I was here also. - Uh-huh.

Let me just dive in. There's something I have to confess to you.

I used you to get into your uncle's commercial.

I was gonna break up with you, and then you told me about it,

and I deployed my incredible acting skills to manipulate you.

But I won't take the commercial, and you'll never have to see me again.

We have a lot of classes together.

Okay, well, yeah, you'll see me in those.

But I can wear my veil if that would help.

Eleanor, I knew you were gonna dump me.

I'm not a great boyfriend.

I've been told by many guidance counselors that I'm clinically immature.

- I actually manipulated you. - What?

I dangled Uncle Joe in front of you

like a carrot in front of a person who really likes carrots.

I knew his Hollywood connections would make you stay with me.

Wait, so we deceived each other to get what we wanted?

Oh my God. We're like a real celebrity couple.

I really like you, Eleanor.

I know it seems like I'm knee-deep in tang twenty-four-sevskies, but...

you're actually my first girlfriend, and I'm a little insecure about that.

Devi. Guess what?

I did a gal pal hang today.

Please check out my blowout. I look like a newswoman.

Yeah. That... That's great, Mom.

Is everything okay?

Y-Yeah. Um, I just didn't do well on that test I told you about earlier.

Devi.

What actually happened?

Is this about a boy?

Even though I won't let you date, I do care if you're heartbroken.

Yeah. It's about a boy.

And I really, really liked him.

Come here.

♪ Once upon a time A songbird flew away for good ♪

♪ Every melody went unheard In a concrete world ♪

♪ Now her joyful hum Echoes through trees ♪

♪ That used to grow Where they've paved in the street ♪

♪ Winter's cloak covered The tracks of the tyrants ♪

♪ Spring couldn't bring on The promise of June ♪

♪ With no voice to sing And nothing to bloom ♪