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1
00:00:06,090 --> 00:00:10,594
♪ I adore being dressed
in something frilly ♪
2
00:00:10,636 --> 00:00:14,807
♪ When my date comes to get me
at my place ♪
3
00:00:14,849 --> 00:00:18,978
♪ Out I go with my Joe
or John or Billy ♪
4
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:23,899
♪ Like a filly who is ready
at the race ♪
5
00:00:23,941 --> 00:00:28,195
♪ When I have
a brand-new hairdo ♪
6
00:00:28,237 --> 00:00:31,407
♪ With my eyelashes
all in curls ♪
7
00:00:31,449 --> 00:00:35,494
♪ I float as the clouds
on air do ♪
8
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:39,540
♪ I enjoy being a girl ♪
9
00:00:39,582 --> 00:00:41,584
♪ When men say I'm cute... ♪
10
00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:42,793
Good morning, ladies.
11
00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:44,128
Eighth floor, please.
12
00:00:44,170 --> 00:00:45,546
- Third floor, please.
- Fifth for me.
13
00:00:45,588 --> 00:00:46,964
Thank you, ladies.
14
00:00:47,006 --> 00:00:50,468
- You make it look easy.
- Ma'am?
15
00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:53,137
Operating the elevator,
like it's second nature.
16
00:00:53,179 --> 00:00:55,014
Yes, ma'am.
17
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,724
Although I'm sure it's way more
complicated than it looks,
18
00:00:56,766 --> 00:00:58,142
a testament to your skill.
19
00:00:58,184 --> 00:01:00,019
Third floor.
20
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:04,440
♪ I drool over dresses
made of lace ♪
21
00:01:04,482 --> 00:01:05,900
♪ I talk on the telephone... ♪
22
00:01:05,941 --> 00:01:07,359
Good job.
23
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:09,069
So, how do you like working
for B. Altman?
24
00:01:09,111 --> 00:01:10,696
Well, I've been here
for 16 years.
25
00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:12,448
A ringing endorsement.
26
00:01:12,490 --> 00:01:13,824
How many times a day do you
think that you open this...
27
00:01:13,866 --> 00:01:15,451
Fifth floor.
28
00:01:15,493 --> 00:01:16,577
Ooh, that's me.
29
00:01:16,619 --> 00:01:18,412
Smooth as silk.
30
00:01:18,454 --> 00:01:20,206
Thank you, Darren.
31
00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:23,167
Love the outfit.
32
00:01:23,209 --> 00:01:28,088
♪ Who'll enjoy being a guy ♪
33
00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:31,217
♪ Having a girl ♪
34
00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:33,302
♪ Like... ♪
35
00:01:33,344 --> 00:01:35,221
Good to see you again,
Frank. Take care.
36
00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:36,555
Mrs. Maisel.
37
00:01:37,807 --> 00:01:39,266
Beautiful printing.
38
00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:41,227
I've got a pretty mean
cursive, too.
39
00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,979
Brearley and Bryn Mawr,
I have no doubt.
40
00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:45,606
So, you're prepping
for Christmas?
41
00:01:45,648 --> 00:01:47,691
The display department
always likes to get a nice jump.
42
00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:50,402
Never too early
to scout for Santas.
43
00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,071
Lots of jolly choices out there.
44
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,948
Oh, we screen them
fresh every year.
45
00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:56,951
Make sure they're still plump,
still personable, still sober.
46
00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:58,744
So much to think about.
47
00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:00,246
So, you majored
in Russian Literature.
48
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,248
With a minor in Education.
For a split second,
49
00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:03,666
I thought about being
a grammar school teacher.
50
00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:06,669
- What happened?
- I met some grammar school kids.
51
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,964
No, seriously, I married
straight out of college
52
00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:12,049
and had children of my own.
Two, actually.
53
00:02:12,091 --> 00:02:13,676
Started my own grammar school,
if you will.
54
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:16,053
And you're here for our
elevator operator position?
55
00:02:16,095 --> 00:02:17,012
Yes, sir.
56
00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:19,473
We usually hire men
for that job.
57
00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:21,559
Oh. The ad didn't say.
58
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,060
I just think that
our lady shoppers
59
00:02:23,102 --> 00:02:25,354
- prefer men in the position.
- I get that.
60
00:02:25,396 --> 00:02:26,939
Not a lot of practical
work experience
61
00:02:26,981 --> 00:02:27,982
on your résumé, either.
62
00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:29,942
But lots of volunteer work.
63
00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:31,360
It's all listed there.
I was a candy striper.
64
00:02:31,402 --> 00:02:32,903
And in high school,
I helped raise money
65
00:02:32,945 --> 00:02:35,447
to start a gymnastics program,
the Zion Orphanage in Jerusalem.
66
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,741
- Raised $700.
- Impressive.
67
00:02:37,783 --> 00:02:40,327
Lots of little Jews
tumbling around because of me.
68
00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:42,371
Mrs. Maisel, you are
a very delightful woman,
69
00:02:42,413 --> 00:02:45,040
but I'm not sure that being
an elevator operator
70
00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:47,459
is the right fit for you.
I'm sorry.
71
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,336
Oh, but I-I have such
a passion for it.
72
00:02:49,378 --> 00:02:51,213
I grew up with one
in my building,
73
00:02:51,255 --> 00:02:52,673
my sweet Jerry,
74
00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:54,258
So, in a way,
I feel as if my whole life
75
00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:56,719
- has been leading up to this.
- Your whole life?
76
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,387
And I really hit it off
with Darren on the way up.
77
00:02:58,429 --> 00:02:59,805
Lots of informative shoptalk.
78
00:02:59,847 --> 00:03:00,973
Darren is very personable.
79
00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:02,892
And the uniform.
Picture me in that hat
80
00:03:02,933 --> 00:03:04,935
and the coat with a tapered
waist. I mean, come on.
81
00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:07,021
Thank you for coming in.
82
00:03:07,062 --> 00:03:10,065
Les Tarlow.
83
00:03:10,107 --> 00:03:11,609
Come on in.
84
00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:18,115
Ho, ho, ho.
85
00:03:19,283 --> 00:03:21,493
Ho, ho, ho!
86
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:27,082
Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas!
87
00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:28,959
I just go through periods
where nothing looks good.
88
00:03:29,001 --> 00:03:30,419
Well, that's not true
and you know it.
89
00:03:30,461 --> 00:03:31,837
I guess I can
just stick with red.
90
00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:33,339
Can't go too wrong there.
91
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:35,090
Well, you could try
a dark pink lipstick, too.
92
00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:37,009
That might work better with the
pink you picked for your rouge.
93
00:03:37,051 --> 00:03:39,303
Oh, please. I just worked up
the courage to wear red
94
00:03:39,345 --> 00:03:42,014
in a vain attempt to look
like Leslie Caron in Gigi.
95
00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:43,724
- Oh.
- Red works great with pink.
96
00:03:43,766 --> 00:03:45,142
Pardon me?
97
00:03:45,184 --> 00:03:47,353
And it's terrific
with your complexion.
98
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:49,647
You have some natural rosiness.
Just be sure to pick a tone
99
00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:51,065
that doesn't augment
that too much.
100
00:03:51,106 --> 00:03:52,066
Keep it subtle.
101
00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:53,192
I like subtle.
102
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,902
That's Raven Red.
103
00:03:54,944 --> 00:03:56,070
Try Cherries in the Snow.
104
00:03:56,111 --> 00:03:57,363
That'll get you close to Caron.
105
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:58,739
Oh, I like that.
106
00:03:58,781 --> 00:04:00,407
- A lot.
- I do, too.
107
00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:02,034
You're a dream. Both of you.
108
00:04:02,076 --> 00:04:04,912
Thank you.
Give me three of these.
109
00:04:04,954 --> 00:04:07,081
I'll meet you down at
the register, Mrs. Stapleton.
110
00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:08,999
Wonderful.
111
00:04:11,043 --> 00:04:12,962
Wow. What is your name?
112
00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:14,213
Midge Maisel.
113
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,297
Mary Petrusca.
114
00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:16,548
You should get my commission.
115
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:19,051
- No.
- Really.
116
00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:24,390
How about the makeup counter?
117
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,562
- Good morning, Mr. Weissman.
- Good morning, Zelda.
118
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,606
Listen, I have a faculty meeting
this morning,
119
00:04:32,648 --> 00:04:35,484
and Zed Lieberman
will drone on and on again,
120
00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:37,319
repetitiously, unendingly.
121
00:04:37,361 --> 00:04:39,321
- Do you understand?
- Zed Lieberman is boring.
122
00:04:39,363 --> 00:04:42,074
So I need a copious amount
of coffee to keep me awake.
123
00:04:42,116 --> 00:04:44,576
- In a thermos?
- A thermos? No, not a thermos.
124
00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:47,496
Zelda, right now,
just a big, strong cup.
125
00:04:47,538 --> 00:04:48,706
Yes, Mr. Weissman.
126
00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:51,041
Morning, Mama.
Morning, Papa.
127
00:04:51,083 --> 00:04:53,460
- Aha.
- Mwah. Morning, Zelda.
128
00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:55,379
Good morning, Miss Miriam.
Would you like some coffee?
129
00:04:55,421 --> 00:04:57,047
I'll just grab some
on the street.
130
00:04:57,089 --> 00:04:59,133
Can you watch the kids today?
I'm home by 5:00.
131
00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:01,218
Of course. Where are you
off to in such a rush?
132
00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:03,095
I'm going to work.
133
00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:04,888
What?
134
00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,098
I got a job.
135
00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:07,558
Why?
136
00:05:07,599 --> 00:05:10,185
I need money. My own money,
with no strings.
137
00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:12,271
Strings? -Part-time for now,
but I'll have an employee review
138
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,148
in one month, and if they
like my performance,
139
00:05:14,189 --> 00:05:17,985
I will be a full-time makeup
counter girl at B. Altman.
140
00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:30,039
- You got a job?
- Yes.
141
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,166
- You have no résumé.
- They hired me anyway.
142
00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:34,334
- Do you know how to type?
- I don't need to.
143
00:05:35,586 --> 00:05:37,755
Okay.
144
00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:43,844
I told you to study
something practical in college.
145
00:05:43,886 --> 00:05:46,513
I remember that. -Russian
literature was not that thing.
146
00:05:46,555 --> 00:05:47,890
I know.
147
00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:49,558
Okay.
148
00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:53,312
- And it's five days a week?
- Yes.
149
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,898
If it rains, you still have to go in.
I figured.
150
00:05:55,939 --> 00:05:58,942
- And you know how to get there?
- By multiple routes.
151
00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:00,611
Okay.
152
00:06:02,446 --> 00:06:03,864
- And they're paying you?
- Yes.
153
00:06:03,906 --> 00:06:05,282
- In money?
- Yes.
154
00:06:05,324 --> 00:06:06,450
- By check?
- Every two weeks.
155
00:06:06,492 --> 00:06:07,951
- You'll need a bank account.
- I have a bank account.
156
00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:09,453
- Checking and savings?
- Yep.
157
00:06:09,495 --> 00:06:11,038
Okay.
158
00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:14,792
Your mother can't watch
the kids every day.
159
00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:16,376
Mrs. Fulber will watch them
when she can't.
160
00:06:16,418 --> 00:06:18,253
Okay.
161
00:06:21,090 --> 00:06:23,050
- Mrs. Fulber?
- Yep.
162
00:06:23,092 --> 00:06:25,177
The one that used to babysit you?
The one and the same.
163
00:06:25,219 --> 00:06:26,845
She's still alive?
164
00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:28,347
I think so.
165
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,224
I'll be damned.
166
00:06:30,265 --> 00:06:33,102
- Zelda, I'll need my coffee...
- Your thermos, Mr. Weissman.
167
00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:34,978
Thank you.
168
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:39,316
Okay.
169
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,612
♪ It isn't enough to hope ♪
170
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:47,825
♪ It isn't enough to dream ♪
171
00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:51,370
♪ It isn't enough
to plot and plan and scheme ♪
172
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,372
♪ It isn't enough
to stand here ♪
173
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:55,415
♪ Saying that life
is grand here ♪
174
00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:57,042
♪ Waiting for something... ♪
175
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,919
- Good morning, Jerry.
- Good morning, Mrs. Maisel.
176
00:06:58,961 --> 00:07:00,629
♪ It isn't enough to sit here ♪
177
00:07:00,671 --> 00:07:02,589
♪ Having a purple fit here ♪
178
00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:05,843
♪ Worried to death
the world will burn up ♪
179
00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:08,971
Guess where I'm going, Jerry.
180
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:10,222
♪ It isn't enough... ♪
181
00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:11,682
Doctor?
182
00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:14,017
Nope. I'm going to work.
183
00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:16,895
Work?
184
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:19,356
♪ I've got a better scheme ♪
185
00:07:19,398 --> 00:07:21,859
♪ Why not wish upon a wishbone ♪
186
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:23,652
♪ Pick a four-leaf clover ♪
187
00:07:23,694 --> 00:07:25,070
♪ Rub a rabbit's foot ♪
188
00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,864
♪ And throw a horseshoe over ♪
189
00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:30,409
♪ Your lucky shoulder ♪
190
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,952
Ladies' break room?
191
00:07:31,994 --> 00:07:34,121
Right in there.
192
00:07:34,163 --> 00:07:37,207
♪ A bit of luck
will come your way ♪
193
00:07:37,249 --> 00:07:39,334
♪ Now, isn't that enough ♪
194
00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:40,335
♪ To make ♪
195
00:07:40,377 --> 00:07:42,754
♪ Your day? ♪
196
00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:52,514
Really? You're one of us now?
197
00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:54,516
Makeup department. First day.
198
00:07:54,558 --> 00:07:55,726
Mary, right?
199
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,269
- I'm Midge.
- I remember.
200
00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:58,937
- Mm.
- Grab any empty locker.
201
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,606
- I'm in love.
- Who now?
202
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:02,149
The new guy in men's hosiery.
203
00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:03,942
- What hap...
- He looks like William Holden.
204
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,819
What happened
to Montgomery Clift in shoes?
205
00:08:05,861 --> 00:08:09,364
I'm off him. -She just broke up
with Ernest Borgnine last week.
206
00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:11,074
I'm done with loading dock guys.
207
00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:13,076
I'm Vivian.
This your first day?
208
00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:14,453
Midge. Yes. First day.
209
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,413
Do you like the movies?
I go every night.
210
00:08:16,455 --> 00:08:17,831
I do like the movies.
211
00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:19,833
Be my friend.
I need people to go with.
212
00:08:19,875 --> 00:08:21,835
- I'll be your friend.
- You bring a lock?
213
00:08:21,877 --> 00:08:24,254
- For what?
- Thieves run rampant.
214
00:08:24,296 --> 00:08:26,089
Someone stole my lunch
last week.
215
00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:28,717
Just an egg salad sandwich,
but I got really mad.
216
00:08:28,759 --> 00:08:31,970
- Then I need to get a lock.
- Put your stuff in mine today.
217
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,680
Thanks, Mary.
218
00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:35,265
That's smart.
219
00:08:35,307 --> 00:08:38,310
- We are on our feet all day.
- You'll learn.
220
00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:41,980
Doors open
in five minutes, girls!
221
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,733
- Mrs. O'Toole.
- Our mother hen.
222
00:08:44,775 --> 00:08:46,318
Come on.
223
00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:52,115
Always be on time...
224
00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:53,909
always be polite...
225
00:08:53,951 --> 00:08:55,327
always be pretty...
226
00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:56,578
and...
227
00:08:57,621 --> 00:08:59,373
...don't forget to punch.
228
00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:08,674
Fun.
229
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,905
So, there are a couple of jerks
to steer clear of.
230
00:09:31,947 --> 00:09:33,490
- Van Heflin in housewares.
- She's not gonna know
231
00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,409
who they are if you
keep using movie star names.
232
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:36,910
The boys in toys.
233
00:09:36,952 --> 00:09:38,578
Super grabby.
234
00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:41,164
Camera department...
They'll make you shudder.
235
00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:43,166
- That's funny.
- That was my joke.
236
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:44,751
Tell her that was my joke.
237
00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:46,878
Another compadre, Harriet Owens.
238
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,964
She services
our dark-complexioned clientele.
239
00:09:49,006 --> 00:09:51,383
She is one of us.
Midge Maisel.
240
00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:53,176
- Nice to meet you.
- Harriet's a model.
241
00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:55,012
- Aspiring.
- Neat. Runway?
242
00:09:55,053 --> 00:09:56,221
Not with this skin.
243
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:57,597
She's been in Ebony magazine
244
00:09:57,639 --> 00:09:59,683
a million times,
looking like Lena Horne.
245
00:09:59,725 --> 00:10:02,394
Eight times.
And looking to expand.
246
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,147
Doors
247
00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:08,358
are opening!
248
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:11,153
That's probably what she says
before having sex.
249
00:10:11,194 --> 00:10:13,196
- The new girl?
- Yes, ma'am.
250
00:10:13,238 --> 00:10:15,240
Learn the store.
251
00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:17,117
Ah, I will. Yes.
252
00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:19,828
Agnes Moorehead.
253
00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:21,580
How did I miss that?
254
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,374
I'll give you a map to learn
the store. It's a snap.
255
00:10:24,416 --> 00:10:26,376
My husband loved
Agnes Moorehead.
256
00:10:26,418 --> 00:10:28,045
- Loved? Dead?
- Sad.
257
00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:29,671
No, he left me.
We're separated.
258
00:10:29,713 --> 00:10:31,673
- Separated?
- Like Liz Taylor!
259
00:10:31,715 --> 00:10:34,509
Sad. -And I've got two kids;
oldest is almost four.
260
00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:37,179
- And you work. Modern.
- Sad.
261
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:38,930
You ready to do this?
262
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,682
Good a time as any.
263
00:10:40,724 --> 00:10:42,309
Hi. My name is Miriam.
264
00:10:42,351 --> 00:10:43,894
How can I help you today?
265
00:10:43,935 --> 00:10:47,314
Men's shoes...
Fourth floor, southeast side.
266
00:10:47,356 --> 00:10:50,317
Hi-fi systems...
Eighth floor...
267
00:10:50,359 --> 00:10:53,612
left of the elevators.
268
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:56,365
Right. Okay, it's hi-fi systems
right of the elevators.
269
00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:58,200
Cookware... fifth floor.
270
00:10:58,241 --> 00:10:59,951
Maternity...
271
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,453
third floor.
272
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:12,631
My feet hurt.
273
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:15,258
- Miriam?
- Gonna bring flats tomorrow.
274
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:17,177
Hi, baby.
275
00:11:17,219 --> 00:11:18,512
Mwah!
276
00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:20,680
- That's the key. Flats.
- For what?
277
00:11:20,722 --> 00:11:23,392
- For what? For work.
- You work?
278
00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:26,061
Yes, Mama, you knew that.
I told you this morning.
279
00:11:26,103 --> 00:11:27,938
Oh, that's right. -I'm going
out with some friends tonight.
280
00:11:27,979 --> 00:11:29,606
But Mrs. Fulber
can take the kids.
281
00:11:29,648 --> 00:11:31,650
- I'll get them when I come home.
- That sounds fine.
282
00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:36,488
- Something wrong?
- What would be wrong?
283
00:11:38,990 --> 00:11:40,992
I got you something.
284
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,619
You never have
to get me anything.
285
00:11:42,661 --> 00:11:44,454
I wanted to get you something.
286
00:11:44,496 --> 00:11:47,749
Oh, it must be
around here. Couldn't walk far.
287
00:11:47,791 --> 00:11:49,418
I did, too.
288
00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:52,462
What is that?
289
00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:54,297
It's lipstick.
I thought you'd like it.
290
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:57,759
Where did you get it? -My job.
At the makeup counter. At work.
291
00:11:57,801 --> 00:11:59,344
Oh, yes, that.
292
00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:02,764
It went well, my first day.
293
00:12:02,806 --> 00:12:03,974
Hmm.
294
00:12:04,015 --> 00:12:05,809
It's a brand new color.
295
00:12:05,851 --> 00:12:07,769
It's not officially released
till the end of the week.
296
00:12:07,811 --> 00:12:09,396
So I'm a guinea pig.
297
00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:12,023
No. You're the first woman
in New York to have it.
298
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,775
And it's pretty,
and I thought of you.
299
00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:15,652
Yeah, you don't like
what I wear now.
300
00:12:15,694 --> 00:12:16,987
No, I like it a lot.
301
00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:18,447
I think it looks nice.
302
00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:20,240
So do I.
303
00:12:20,282 --> 00:12:21,825
This smells funny.
304
00:12:21,867 --> 00:12:24,035
But thank you.
305
00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:28,498
You are very welcome.
306
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:41,720
♪ Did you hear
what they did at the WPA? ♪
307
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:44,973
♪ When the banks went belly up,
and the jobs all went away ♪
308
00:12:45,015 --> 00:12:47,267
♪ They reinvested in America ♪
309
00:12:47,309 --> 00:12:51,605
♪ They put the poor to work
at honest pay ♪
310
00:12:51,646 --> 00:12:54,983
♪ They built dams and roads
and bridges ♪
311
00:12:55,025 --> 00:12:59,613
♪ Things that we still
use today ♪
312
00:12:59,654 --> 00:13:03,241
♪ Did you hear
what they did at the WPA? ♪
313
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:07,037
♪ When speculators drove
the market into New York Bay ♪
314
00:13:07,078 --> 00:13:09,498
♪ They gave a corps of citizens
a place to go ♪
315
00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,458
♪ With a chance
to make some hay... ♪ -Hey.
316
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:12,959
Hi. Nice crowd.
317
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:14,169
Take a gander.
318
00:13:14,211 --> 00:13:15,378
My business cards.
319
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:16,838
Got them up to a nice round 30.
320
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,757
- Let me see.
- Hey, are your hands clean?
321
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,425
- Yeah.
- I don't want smudges.
322
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,344
Yeah. You smudged it.
323
00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:25,305
Now I got a nice round 29.
Thanks. -Sorry.
324
00:13:25,347 --> 00:13:27,807
Well, these are gonna be
obsolete soon, anyway.
325
00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:30,519
- Do you want to know why?
- Yes. Why?
326
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,354
I'm getting a phone.
327
00:13:32,395 --> 00:13:33,605
Don't lie to me.
328
00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:35,065
No shit, I'm getting a phone.
329
00:13:35,106 --> 00:13:37,067
Welcome to the 20th century.
330
00:13:37,108 --> 00:13:39,486
Yeah. Then, I'll put
my phone number on the card.
331
00:13:39,528 --> 00:13:41,780
My-my typewriter's missing
its three, eight, nine,
332
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,782
so I just got to be sure
the number doesn't have
333
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,576
- a three, eight or a nine in it.
- Seems doable.
334
00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:49,120
It's gonna have
an answering service. -Wow.
335
00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,122
And some chatty broad's
gonna know all my shit.
336
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,708
It's gonna cost me a fortune,
but it'll be worth it.
337
00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:56,127
Uh... "Susie Myerson's office."
338
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,588
"Yes, may I speak
with Susie Myerson, please?
339
00:13:58,630 --> 00:13:59,923
"It-It's about
some very important,
340
00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:01,675
show-related business."
341
00:14:01,716 --> 00:14:04,761
"Uh, she's not in at the moment,
so go fuck yourself."
342
00:14:04,803 --> 00:14:06,888
You might want to soften
that a little.
343
00:14:06,930 --> 00:14:08,098
Yeah, but pretty cool, huh?
344
00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:10,058
"Susie Myerson's office."
345
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:12,394
"Susie Myerson and Associates."
346
00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:14,396
- What?
- Thinking big, right?
347
00:14:14,437 --> 00:14:16,022
Yeah. I'm thinking big.
348
00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:20,026
All right, thank you,
Ethan Carter and his combo!
349
00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:22,028
Well, that was almost palatable.
350
00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:24,531
Now, get your stuff off and
we'll bring on the next act.
351
00:14:26,116 --> 00:14:28,910
Okay. It's gonna be a comedian.
352
00:14:28,952 --> 00:14:31,329
So hang tight, everybody,
and get ready to laugh.
353
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,831
You good to go?
354
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:33,957
Oh, God, yeah.
355
00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:35,125
Started my new job today.
356
00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:36,710
It was crazy.
357
00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:38,587
So many stories. I hung out
with these young girls,
358
00:14:38,628 --> 00:14:40,171
cute as buttons.
359
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,299
And the customers,
they were hysterical.
360
00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:44,718
Great. You want to run it by me?
A little, uh, practice run?
361
00:14:44,759 --> 00:14:46,219
Oh, no. I don't want
to get stale.
362
00:14:46,261 --> 00:14:47,554
So, "Miriam," right?
363
00:14:47,596 --> 00:14:50,348
Yes, but I'll be using
a nom de plume.
364
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,851
- A nom de what?
- Nom de plume.
365
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,644
- Sounds like a sex toy.
- Yeah, like it goes up
366
00:14:54,686 --> 00:14:56,813
- your ass or something.
- It's a fake name.
367
00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:58,273
I-I don't
want to use my real name.
368
00:14:58,315 --> 00:14:59,774
Fine, then give me
your fake name.
369
00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:02,193
Well, now I can't think of one.
370
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,195
Eh, F-Fanny, I guess.
371
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:05,488
And the last name?
372
00:15:05,530 --> 00:15:06,865
Brice.
373
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,700
- "Fanny Brice"?
- That's taken.
374
00:15:08,742 --> 00:15:10,285
Then Fanny Jones. Uh...
375
00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:11,911
Fanny Jone... that is
a terrible name.
376
00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:13,872
Yeah, like you put
zero thought into it.
377
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,415
Jackie, please, just make up
a last name for me.
378
00:15:15,457 --> 00:15:16,875
I'll come up with
a permanent one later.
379
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:19,836
I like your real name.
380
00:15:19,878 --> 00:15:21,713
I don't want to use
my real name.
381
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,882
Hey, your call.
382
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,718
All right, give it up
for a very funny lady,
383
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,595
whose name you're gonna
want to remember.
384
00:15:28,637 --> 00:15:30,430
Fanny Midge.
385
00:15:30,472 --> 00:15:31,931
Come here.
386
00:15:33,058 --> 00:15:36,311
Thank you, everybody.
387
00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:37,854
That's very nice of you,
388
00:15:37,896 --> 00:15:39,439
seeing as how
I haven't done anything yet.
389
00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:42,901
So.
390
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,778
I started work today.
391
00:15:44,819 --> 00:15:45,987
A new job.
392
00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:48,615
And it was crazy.
393
00:15:48,657 --> 00:15:50,659
Super crazy.
I'm-I'm a makeup counter girl
394
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:53,370
at B. Altman.
Who here's been to B. Altman?
395
00:15:53,411 --> 00:15:54,996
No one?
396
00:15:55,038 --> 00:15:56,831
Really? Or is-is there
one person? I c...
397
00:15:56,873 --> 00:15:59,668
This spotlight is so bright,
I can't see a thing.
398
00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,419
Blinding. Eh, co...
399
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:02,921
Maybe, just...
400
00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:07,300
Well, B. Altman
is a department store.
401
00:16:07,342 --> 00:16:08,802
But I think my favorite thing
I did today...
402
00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:10,261
And this is gonna sound weird...
403
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:14,265
Was punching in
on the time clar...
404
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:15,600
"Time Clark."
405
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:16,935
What is wrong with my mouth?
406
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,145
"Time clock."
407
00:16:19,187 --> 00:16:22,774
Punching in
was just kind of a real
408
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:23,983
powerful feeling, you know?
409
00:16:24,025 --> 00:16:26,319
You know, the-the feel of it.
410
00:16:26,361 --> 00:16:27,904
The sound of it.
411
00:16:27,946 --> 00:16:30,073
M-My interview for the job
was another thing.
412
00:16:30,115 --> 00:16:32,701
They were already getting ready
for Christmas.
413
00:16:32,742 --> 00:16:35,245
It's not even Halloween yet,
and I'm sitting in a hallway
414
00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:38,957
with a couple of dozen
fat fucking Santas.
415
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:41,334
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Picture that.
416
00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:45,338
Me, and a line of big, fat
fucking Santas, and you know,
417
00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:49,217
some of these guys
are fucking fat, and...
418
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,304
They drink.
419
00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:54,597
They are tipplers.
420
00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:56,057
That's what Mr. Stanyon told me.
421
00:16:56,099 --> 00:16:57,851
"Keep them sober."
422
00:16:57,892 --> 00:16:59,894
That-that's actually
not Mr. Stanyon's voice,
423
00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:01,563
that's Mrs. O'Toole.
424
00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:03,982
"Doors are opening."
425
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:07,527
That's what she says
when she's about to have sex.
426
00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:14,033
Lots of really pretty...
427
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:16,411
fun girls at work, too.
428
00:17:16,453 --> 00:17:18,580
Uh, Mary, she's sweet.
429
00:17:18,621 --> 00:17:21,458
Vivian, kind of boy crazy,
with her Van Heflins
430
00:17:21,499 --> 00:17:25,295
and William Holdens and...
431
00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:27,964
All right. You win.
432
00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:30,383
Uh, and then, there's Harriet.
433
00:17:30,425 --> 00:17:33,803
She's our Negro clerk.
434
00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:36,431
And beautiful, like, God,
this woman is beautiful.
435
00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:40,185
She's-she's Lena Horne,
she helps our Negro customers.
436
00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:41,394
Because she's a Negro.
437
00:17:41,436 --> 00:17:42,896
What?
438
00:17:42,937 --> 00:17:44,898
Harriet's a Negro.
Where's this going?
439
00:17:44,939 --> 00:17:47,108
It-it's not going anywhere.
440
00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:50,153
Obviously.
441
00:17:50,195 --> 00:17:52,530
This-this spotlight
is really fucking bright.
442
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:54,157
C-Can you dim that?
443
00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:56,493
I mean, really, really,
it's bright as shit.
444
00:17:56,534 --> 00:18:00,205
Okay, well, now the audience
can't see me at all.
445
00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:02,332
Doesn't matter.
446
00:18:02,373 --> 00:18:04,501
Oh. So he's funny.
447
00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:06,044
Him you laugh at. All right.
448
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,797
Okay, just-just getting
the lay of the land here.
449
00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,006
You want to come up?
450
00:18:10,048 --> 00:18:11,216
Oh.
451
00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:12,801
Yeah, didn't think so.
452
00:18:12,842 --> 00:18:14,093
Really? You're not-you're
not gonna turn
453
00:18:14,135 --> 00:18:15,303
the spotlight back on?
454
00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:17,722
Can't find the switch?
455
00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:21,601
My underwear suddenly feels
very tight.
456
00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:24,604
Well.
457
00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:26,064
Uh, thanks, everybody.
458
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,107
It's been delightful.
459
00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,862
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You still got more time.
460
00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,531
Well, give my time
to someone else.
461
00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:36,699
This isn't fucking Congress.
Get back up there.
462
00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:40,119
No. And fix the fucking mic,
it won't come off the stand.
463
00:18:47,502 --> 00:18:49,754
Sorry about that, everyone.
464
00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:52,715
Uh, we're gonna take a little
break to clear the stink.
465
00:18:54,175 --> 00:18:55,760
And we'll be back in 20.
466
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,262
Jesus.
467
00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:59,097
What is wrong with these people?
468
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,599
Absolutely nothing
is wrong with these people.
469
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:05,144
Nothing? They're unconscious.
They're lying in state.
470
00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:06,604
And who is heckling me?
471
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,147
There was another comic
up there an hour ago.
472
00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:09,440
He killed. Same audience.
473
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,025
No. Uh-uh, no way.
474
00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:13,236
You stunk tonight, lady.
That's all it was.
475
00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:15,655
No, Susie, this fucking audience
could hardly lift their heads
476
00:19:15,697 --> 00:19:17,824
- up off the table long enough...
- The audience was fine.
477
00:19:17,866 --> 00:19:19,576
You bombed.
You took out Antwerp.
478
00:19:19,617 --> 00:19:21,244
- I bombed?
- People were asking
479
00:19:21,286 --> 00:19:22,370
for directions
to a fallout shelter.
480
00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:23,663
You bombed.
481
00:19:23,705 --> 00:19:26,708
- But I'm funny.
- Everybody bombs.
482
00:19:26,749 --> 00:19:29,127
But I've seen Rickles
five times. He's never bombed.
483
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,254
The guys go on Jack Paar,
they never bomb.
484
00:19:31,296 --> 00:19:32,672
Yeah, that's 'cause
they've spent years bombing
485
00:19:32,714 --> 00:19:34,549
and honing their act so
you don't have to see them bomb.
486
00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:35,717
They've bombed, believe me.
487
00:19:35,758 --> 00:19:37,594
Well, I'm not gonna bomb again.
488
00:19:37,635 --> 00:19:39,804
No, you're gonna bomb again
and again and again and again.
489
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,514
Why would anyone do this
if they're just gonna bomb
490
00:19:41,556 --> 00:19:43,141
again and again and again?
491
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:44,767
Because it's part
of the process.
492
00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:46,102
Yeah, well, it's not part
of my process.
493
00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:49,439
Shit.
494
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,733
I've only done this
drunk or stoned.
495
00:19:51,774 --> 00:19:53,401
What-what if that's
the only reason I was funny?
496
00:19:53,443 --> 00:19:55,111
Like, I can't get loaded
every time I come on stage.
497
00:19:55,153 --> 00:19:57,155
You never met a comic?
498
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,406
All right, here.
Go smoke a cigarette.
499
00:19:58,448 --> 00:20:00,408
No, I'm not gonna
go smoke a cigarette.
500
00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:01,951
I feel devastated.
501
00:20:01,993 --> 00:20:03,494
I've never felt this devastated.
502
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,788
You mean, besides
when your husband left you.
503
00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:08,082
- Give me a cigarette.
- Next time, prepare a little.
504
00:20:08,124 --> 00:20:09,626
Spontaneity works
until it doesn't work.
505
00:20:09,667 --> 00:20:10,835
Then you're stuck.
506
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,211
Prepare.
507
00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:14,339
All right.
508
00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:15,798
Right.
509
00:20:20,178 --> 00:20:22,805
So we went to this cabdriver,
510
00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:24,641
and, uh, I don't want you
to think we're like that,
511
00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:26,726
you know, but you must remember
what men are like in war,
512
00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:28,353
it's that kind of a show tonight.
513
00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:30,772
So we went to this cabdriver,
and we said to him,
514
00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:32,231
"Where's the action?"
515
00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:34,901
This kind of masculine, sort of...
516
00:20:34,943 --> 00:20:39,989
So, so he took us to this place
where they fish illegally.
517
00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:42,033
See, now you're not supposed...
518
00:20:47,121 --> 00:20:48,706
♪ Be prepared ♪
519
00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:51,876
♪ And be careful not to do
your good deeds ♪
520
00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:53,586
♪ When there's no one
watching you ♪
521
00:20:53,628 --> 00:20:55,088
♪ If you're looking
for adventure ♪
522
00:20:55,129 --> 00:20:56,798
♪ Of a new and different kind ♪
523
00:20:56,839 --> 00:20:57,966
♪ And you come across
a Girl Scout ♪
524
00:20:58,007 --> 00:20:59,717
♪ Who is similarly inclined ♪
525
00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:00,885
♪ Don't be nervous,
don't be flustered ♪
526
00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:02,387
♪ Don't be scared ♪
527
00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:04,305
♪ Be prepared! ♪
528
00:21:08,518 --> 00:21:09,936
Mm.
529
00:21:09,978 --> 00:21:12,355
That is the most beautiful song
ever written.
530
00:21:12,397 --> 00:21:13,773
Who wrote that song?
531
00:21:13,815 --> 00:21:15,733
Franz fucking Schubert!
532
00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:17,777
Ah, did he now? -Guys, guys,
you're not in your homes.
533
00:21:17,819 --> 00:21:18,778
Sorry, Sal.
534
00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:19,946
Sally. Sally, Sally.
535
00:21:19,988 --> 00:21:21,739
We were conquerors today.
536
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:23,950
- Conquerors!
- Veni, vidi, vici!
537
00:21:23,992 --> 00:21:25,243
- That's Latin.
- Is that so?
538
00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:27,245
Sal, Sal, we sold plastic stuff
539
00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:29,163
to people that don't actually
need plastic stuff.
540
00:21:29,205 --> 00:21:31,582
Yeah. See-see, that's what
salesmanship is, Sally.
541
00:21:31,624 --> 00:21:34,877
Mm-hmm. -Selling things
to people that they don't want.
542
00:21:34,919 --> 00:21:37,088
- It's kind of our calling.
- Two more.
543
00:21:37,130 --> 00:21:40,341
Then you go home.
544
00:21:40,383 --> 00:21:42,343
- Sally's.
- We're not going home.
545
00:21:42,385 --> 00:21:44,512
- I got to go home.
- Then we'll go home.
546
00:21:44,554 --> 00:21:46,431
I think we just wrote
Samuel Beckett's next play.
547
00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:47,598
It's not that hard.
548
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,058
Joel, it's for you.
549
00:21:49,100 --> 00:21:51,477
I love that people know
how to reach you here.
550
00:21:51,519 --> 00:21:53,146
It's so urban.
551
00:21:55,106 --> 00:21:56,733
Hello?
552
00:21:56,774 --> 00:21:58,401
Hey, Pen.
553
00:21:58,443 --> 00:22:01,404
Yeah, a certain young man
did send you some flowers.
554
00:22:01,446 --> 00:22:03,865
Guess he forgot to include a card.
555
00:22:03,906 --> 00:22:06,242
Good, good, I'm glad.
556
00:22:06,284 --> 00:22:07,994
Yeah.
557
00:22:08,036 --> 00:22:09,412
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, stay up.
- ♪ Take out the papers ♪
558
00:22:09,454 --> 00:22:11,289
- All right, bye.
- ♪ And the trash... ♪
559
00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:13,416
No. No, Sal.
560
00:22:13,458 --> 00:22:15,168
Who put this song on?
561
00:22:15,209 --> 00:22:17,295
- It offends my sensibilities.
- I don't pick the music.
562
00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:18,504
Yeah, but you can pull the plug.
563
00:22:18,546 --> 00:22:20,048
This song isn't bad.
564
00:22:20,089 --> 00:22:21,924
Penny likes this song.
565
00:22:21,966 --> 00:22:23,926
Penny's young. Penny will learn.
566
00:22:23,968 --> 00:22:25,470
She's meeting the parents
this week.
567
00:22:25,511 --> 00:22:27,055
Oh! Big stuff.
568
00:22:27,096 --> 00:22:28,681
She's pretty nervous.
569
00:22:28,723 --> 00:22:30,308
She doesn't have anything
to be nervous about.
570
00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:31,934
She's a sweet girl.
Penny's great.
571
00:22:31,976 --> 00:22:33,936
Yeah? -Yeah. Buddy,
everyone loves Penny.
572
00:22:33,978 --> 00:22:35,897
Yeah.
573
00:22:35,938 --> 00:22:38,441
And she's all excited about
seeing The Music Man next week.
574
00:22:38,483 --> 00:22:40,318
Oh, man, we've been dying
to see that show.
575
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:41,527
Especially Imogene.
576
00:22:41,569 --> 00:22:42,612
How'd you get tickets?
577
00:22:42,653 --> 00:22:44,238
I got friends in high places.
578
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:45,531
You're the man.
579
00:22:45,573 --> 00:22:48,201
You know, I scored four seats,
580
00:22:48,242 --> 00:22:50,620
so I don't know, if you and
Imogene want to tag along...?
581
00:22:50,661 --> 00:22:52,872
Are you kidding? Imogene would
cancel surgery to see that show.
582
00:22:52,914 --> 00:22:54,457
Yes, we will go.
583
00:22:54,499 --> 00:22:55,666
You want to know what night?
You may have plans.
584
00:22:55,708 --> 00:22:56,834
Whatever's planned is canceled.
585
00:22:56,876 --> 00:22:58,044
- We're going.
- Great!
586
00:22:58,086 --> 00:22:59,712
God, I can't wait to tell her.
587
00:22:59,754 --> 00:23:02,298
And Penny will be excited, too.
588
00:23:25,196 --> 00:23:28,449
♪ I wonder why nobody
don't like me ♪
589
00:23:28,491 --> 00:23:31,285
♪ Or is it the fact
that I'm ugly? ♪
590
00:23:31,327 --> 00:23:33,955
♪ I wonder why nobody
don't like me ♪
591
00:23:33,996 --> 00:23:35,832
♪ Or is it the fact
that I'm ugly? ♪
592
00:23:35,873 --> 00:23:39,335
Excuse me, I'm looking for a man
with a rose in his lapel.
593
00:23:39,377 --> 00:23:41,003
Isn't that fun?
594
00:23:41,045 --> 00:23:42,547
♪ Don't want me no more ♪
595
00:23:42,588 --> 00:23:45,633
♪ Bad talk inside the house
they bring ♪
596
00:23:45,675 --> 00:23:47,468
♪ And when I talk,
they start to sing... ♪
597
00:23:47,510 --> 00:23:49,762
Excuse me. Herb Smith?
598
00:23:49,804 --> 00:23:52,265
That depends.
Are you with the government?
599
00:23:52,306 --> 00:23:53,266
No.
600
00:23:53,307 --> 00:23:54,642
Then I'm Herb Smith.
601
00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:57,019
- I joke.
- Ah.
602
00:23:57,061 --> 00:23:58,479
- Midge Maisel, I presume.
- You said,
603
00:23:58,521 --> 00:24:00,940
"Find the man with the rose
in his lapel."
604
00:24:00,982 --> 00:24:02,984
And you did.
Welcome to my office.
605
00:24:03,025 --> 00:24:05,319
♪ Mama, look at boo boo, they ♪
606
00:24:05,361 --> 00:24:08,281
♪ Shut your mouth, go away ♪
607
00:24:08,322 --> 00:24:10,533
♪ Mama, look at boo boo,
they... ♪
608
00:24:13,619 --> 00:24:15,580
Ever been to the Stage Deli?
609
00:24:15,621 --> 00:24:17,582
Many moons ago.
610
00:24:17,623 --> 00:24:19,750
I'm a little more
Barney Greengrass.
611
00:24:19,792 --> 00:24:21,502
- You hungry?
- I could eat.
612
00:24:21,544 --> 00:24:23,129
Waitress?
613
00:24:23,171 --> 00:24:26,757
Yep? -Verla, how much
do you love your Herb?
614
00:24:26,799 --> 00:24:28,926
With every bone in my body.
615
00:24:28,968 --> 00:24:31,637
Bring us, uh,
a half pastrami on rye
616
00:24:31,679 --> 00:24:34,015
and a half chopped liver
on challah,
617
00:24:34,056 --> 00:24:35,641
a stuffed cabbage,
618
00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:38,102
some kasha varnishkes,
619
00:24:38,144 --> 00:24:40,730
- and a bit of arugula.
- You got it.
620
00:24:40,771 --> 00:24:42,398
I know what you're thinking.
621
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:44,692
"He's extremely Jewish."
622
00:24:44,734 --> 00:24:47,278
And extremely hungry.
623
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:48,946
Guilty on all counts.
624
00:24:48,988 --> 00:24:51,157
So, tell me why you called.
625
00:24:51,199 --> 00:24:53,242
I'm looking to hone an act.
626
00:24:53,284 --> 00:24:54,452
Great. As what?
627
00:24:54,493 --> 00:24:55,620
A stand-up act.
628
00:24:55,661 --> 00:24:58,247
A comedienne. Intriguing.
629
00:24:58,289 --> 00:25:00,833
- I told you that, didn't I?
- You did. But...
630
00:25:00,875 --> 00:25:02,376
I didn't know
if you were kidding.
631
00:25:02,418 --> 00:25:05,671
Because you're a comedienne.
632
00:25:05,713 --> 00:25:08,633
Anyhow, I've helped
tons of comics
633
00:25:08,674 --> 00:25:11,302
shape acts over the years.
634
00:25:11,344 --> 00:25:14,722
And I've dabbled in TV a little.
635
00:25:14,764 --> 00:25:16,974
Wrote an episode
of Our Miss Brooks.
636
00:25:17,016 --> 00:25:18,935
- Do you know it?
- I love that show.
637
00:25:18,976 --> 00:25:20,728
Eve Arden's a dream.
638
00:25:20,770 --> 00:25:23,105
- Mm.
- A real dream.
639
00:25:23,147 --> 00:25:25,441
So please, talk.
640
00:25:25,483 --> 00:25:27,193
Well, I did a slot
a few nights ago
641
00:25:27,235 --> 00:25:29,528
talking about a new job I got,
as a makeup counter girl.
642
00:25:29,570 --> 00:25:31,113
I thought it was a natural,
643
00:25:31,155 --> 00:25:33,241
and I... bombed.
644
00:25:33,282 --> 00:25:34,617
Big-time.
645
00:25:34,659 --> 00:25:36,327
It was scary.
646
00:25:36,369 --> 00:25:38,537
I'm getting clammy
just thinking about it.
647
00:25:38,579 --> 00:25:40,456
It's also warm in here.
648
00:25:40,498 --> 00:25:42,458
This what I've
been drawing from...
649
00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:44,126
My comedy notebook.
650
00:25:44,168 --> 00:25:46,128
It's just some
random funny thoughts
651
00:25:46,170 --> 00:25:48,172
I've written down
over the years.
652
00:25:48,214 --> 00:25:50,091
I need someone like you
to make sense of it.
653
00:25:50,132 --> 00:25:52,301
Minnie Pearl has
a comedy notebook.
654
00:25:52,343 --> 00:25:53,886
Puts you in a good company.
655
00:25:53,928 --> 00:25:55,805
"I know you're
probably thinking,
656
00:25:55,846 --> 00:25:58,099
"'If I wanted to hear
a woman yapping,
657
00:25:58,140 --> 00:26:00,142
"I'd have stayed home.'
658
00:26:01,185 --> 00:26:03,187
"But there's no way your mothers
659
00:26:03,229 --> 00:26:05,273
are as funny as I am."
660
00:26:05,314 --> 00:26:07,108
Solid joke.
661
00:26:07,149 --> 00:26:08,693
Tell me more about you.
662
00:26:08,734 --> 00:26:10,319
Well, I've primarily been
a housewife
663
00:26:10,361 --> 00:26:11,821
for the last five years.
664
00:26:11,862 --> 00:26:13,823
A funny Betty Crocker...
That's interesting.
665
00:26:13,864 --> 00:26:15,032
Any kids?
666
00:26:15,074 --> 00:26:16,367
- Two.
- Perfect.
667
00:26:16,409 --> 00:26:18,577
The Doyenne of Domesticity.
668
00:26:18,619 --> 00:26:20,162
That could be a thing.
669
00:26:20,204 --> 00:26:21,580
Well, I'd love to help.
670
00:26:21,622 --> 00:26:23,708
And I can dive in today.
671
00:26:23,749 --> 00:26:27,378
It's 15 bucks for the first
five minutes of material.
672
00:26:27,420 --> 00:26:28,587
Sound good?
673
00:26:28,629 --> 00:26:30,047
Sounds very good.
674
00:26:32,591 --> 00:26:33,759
Tell me more.
675
00:26:33,801 --> 00:26:35,553
I went to Bryn Mawr.
676
00:26:35,594 --> 00:26:38,472
Definitely the funniest
of the seven sisters.
677
00:26:40,933 --> 00:26:43,728
Then brush the color
onto the lid, just lightly,
678
00:26:43,769 --> 00:26:45,313
and stop right here,
679
00:26:45,354 --> 00:26:47,732
about half an inch
before you reach the eyebrow.
680
00:26:47,773 --> 00:26:49,734
I'll never be able
to recreate this tomorrow.
681
00:26:49,775 --> 00:26:51,402
No problem.
I'm coming home with you.
682
00:26:51,444 --> 00:26:53,112
Saw this for you
in the break room.
683
00:26:53,154 --> 00:26:55,364
- Thanks, Harriet. Excuse me.
- Mm-hmm.
684
00:27:07,001 --> 00:27:08,836
Is that a pickle?
685
00:27:08,878 --> 00:27:10,629
I believe it is a pickle.
686
00:27:10,671 --> 00:27:13,299
Ladies, will you excuse me
just a quick moment?
687
00:27:13,341 --> 00:27:14,925
Absolutely.
688
00:27:20,973 --> 00:27:22,391
Deli.
689
00:27:22,433 --> 00:27:24,226
Yes, hello. Is Herb Smith there?
690
00:27:24,268 --> 00:27:26,020
Herb? Phone.
691
00:27:26,062 --> 00:27:28,314
- Do they sound angry?
- I'm not your fuckin' secretary.
692
00:27:28,356 --> 00:27:29,815
Just come get it.
693
00:27:29,857 --> 00:27:32,109
- This is Herb.
- Herb, hi. Midge Maisel.
694
00:27:32,151 --> 00:27:34,320
And not the IRS? Thank God.
695
00:27:34,362 --> 00:27:35,988
- Good one.
- You get my package?
696
00:27:36,030 --> 00:27:37,406
Shipped it out this morning.
697
00:27:37,448 --> 00:27:39,325
I did get it.
And I'm a little confused.
698
00:27:39,367 --> 00:27:41,452
I don't know if you got
the five messages I left you,
699
00:27:41,494 --> 00:27:43,329
but I have a slot
at the Gaslight tonight.
700
00:27:43,371 --> 00:27:46,207
The Gaslight?
So you know Susie Myerson.
701
00:27:46,248 --> 00:27:47,666
- She's terrific.
- She is.
702
00:27:47,708 --> 00:27:49,335
But I don't have
a lot of time to prepare,
703
00:27:49,377 --> 00:27:50,878
and I'm just wondering
what the deal is
704
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:53,005
- with the three-by-five cards.
- They're your act.
705
00:27:53,047 --> 00:27:55,424
But... I have no time
to memorize all this.
706
00:27:55,466 --> 00:27:57,134
So you take them up on stage.
707
00:27:57,176 --> 00:27:59,678
It's how all the greats
worked out their acts.
708
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:03,474
Bob Hope, Moms Mabley...
Everybody uses cards.
709
00:28:03,516 --> 00:28:05,267
Yeah, I've seen comics
use cards.
710
00:28:05,309 --> 00:28:08,646
It's fun for the audience to see
a comic working like this.
711
00:28:08,687 --> 00:28:12,066
It can be hit-and-miss at times,
but lots of fun.
712
00:28:12,108 --> 00:28:14,652
- I guess.
- Just have a stool next to you.
713
00:28:14,693 --> 00:28:17,321
You can put the cards
on the stool.
714
00:28:17,363 --> 00:28:19,198
The Gaslight has a stool,
doesn't it?
715
00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:20,658
They do have a stool.
716
00:28:20,699 --> 00:28:22,785
I should have put the stool
in the cards.
717
00:28:22,827 --> 00:28:24,787
The stool is a big thing.
718
00:28:24,829 --> 00:28:26,872
- You see the pickle?
- I did see the pickle.
719
00:28:26,914 --> 00:28:28,207
The pickle's funny.
720
00:28:28,249 --> 00:28:29,375
- The pickle is funny.
- So...
721
00:28:29,417 --> 00:28:30,668
break a leg.
722
00:28:30,709 --> 00:28:32,044
Uh, I will. Thank you, Herb.
723
00:28:32,086 --> 00:28:34,171
Can't wait to hear how it goes.
724
00:28:34,213 --> 00:28:35,172
Bye.
725
00:28:41,595 --> 00:28:43,889
I'm back, ladies.
726
00:28:43,931 --> 00:28:46,058
- Now, where were we?
- You were on the lids.
727
00:28:46,100 --> 00:28:48,060
Ah, yes.
728
00:28:48,102 --> 00:28:50,896
And next up...
729
00:28:50,938 --> 00:28:53,566
we start from the top,
730
00:28:53,607 --> 00:28:57,445
and then slowly work
our way down.
731
00:29:05,119 --> 00:29:08,289
Just had to see it for myself.
732
00:29:10,583 --> 00:29:12,585
♪ La mer ♪
733
00:29:14,003 --> 00:29:16,589
♪ Qu'on voit danser ♪
734
00:29:16,630 --> 00:29:17,882
♪ Le long des... ♪
735
00:29:17,923 --> 00:29:19,925
Flats are making
a giant difference.
736
00:29:19,967 --> 00:29:22,303
I'm glad. -I'm just home
for a quick change,
737
00:29:22,344 --> 00:29:23,804
and then I'm heading out.
738
00:29:23,846 --> 00:29:25,931
I'm meeting a friend for dinner.
Okay.
739
00:29:25,973 --> 00:29:29,435
I'll pick up the kids from
Mrs. Fulber when I get home.
740
00:29:29,477 --> 00:29:31,812
So, I saw them unboxing
some new dresses
741
00:29:31,854 --> 00:29:33,272
on the seventh floor today.
742
00:29:33,314 --> 00:29:34,940
I'm not even supposed
to be up there,
743
00:29:34,982 --> 00:29:36,734
but I just shoot
the security guard a wink,
744
00:29:36,775 --> 00:29:38,027
and he looks the other way.
745
00:29:38,068 --> 00:29:40,571
Some Chanel came in...
To die for.
746
00:29:40,613 --> 00:29:42,490
And there was this pink one
with a little collar
747
00:29:42,531 --> 00:29:44,200
that was just screaming my name.
748
00:29:44,241 --> 00:29:46,160
There was this purply one,
gloves to match,
749
00:29:46,202 --> 00:29:48,120
that just seemed so you.
750
00:29:48,162 --> 00:29:49,622
Hi, Mommy.
751
00:29:51,373 --> 00:29:53,042
Uh...
752
00:29:53,083 --> 00:29:56,420
Mama, Ethan and Esther are
supposed to be with Mrs. Fulber.
753
00:29:56,462 --> 00:29:58,464
Fulber's a drunk.
754
00:30:03,219 --> 00:30:04,929
- Come on.
- Uh, no.
755
00:30:04,970 --> 00:30:07,348
No. He's the storyteller,
not me.
756
00:30:07,389 --> 00:30:09,350
Ma, you're a great storyteller.
757
00:30:09,391 --> 00:30:12,520
If you don't mind 180-degree
turns halfway through the story.
758
00:30:12,561 --> 00:30:13,687
Moishe.
759
00:30:13,729 --> 00:30:14,980
- What?
- Don't tease.
760
00:30:15,022 --> 00:30:16,982
I'm not teasing.
I'm reporting.
761
00:30:17,024 --> 00:30:18,984
What did I tell you?
Greatest show on earth.
762
00:30:19,026 --> 00:30:21,529
You start a story
about a TV repairman,
763
00:30:21,570 --> 00:30:24,782
and then you end it
describing a cruise to Istanbul.
764
00:30:24,823 --> 00:30:26,033
I don't find that normal.
765
00:30:26,075 --> 00:30:27,743
I did love that cruise.
766
00:30:27,785 --> 00:30:30,538
- I would love to go on a cruise.
- We should take a cruise.
767
00:30:30,579 --> 00:30:32,540
Everyone should go on a cruise.
768
00:30:32,581 --> 00:30:34,542
Except Joel...
He gets tummy sick.
769
00:30:34,583 --> 00:30:37,211
One time. -And it
wasn't even on a cruise ship.
770
00:30:37,253 --> 00:30:39,004
It was on
the Staten Island Ferry,
771
00:30:39,046 --> 00:30:41,006
to visit his cousins
in Bulls Head.
772
00:30:41,048 --> 00:30:42,424
Ma, this is a story
you should not tell.
773
00:30:42,466 --> 00:30:43,884
I want to hear it.
774
00:30:43,926 --> 00:30:45,803
He threw up.
That's the story.
775
00:30:45,844 --> 00:30:48,097
- Great story.
- And she got to the end
776
00:30:48,138 --> 00:30:49,974
without talking about elephants
or the Charleston.
777
00:30:50,015 --> 00:30:51,809
Give your mother some credit.
778
00:30:51,850 --> 00:30:54,270
Young lady, we want to know more
about you.
779
00:31:09,785 --> 00:31:11,787
Cutting it close there, gally.
780
00:31:11,829 --> 00:31:13,831
Sorry. Subway stopped
between stations.
781
00:31:13,872 --> 00:31:15,541
We were in pitch black forever.
782
00:31:15,583 --> 00:31:17,376
Pretty sure some guy groped me.
783
00:31:17,418 --> 00:31:18,836
- Well, sometimes you get lucky.
- Just give me
784
00:31:18,877 --> 00:31:20,170
- a minute to calm down.
- You're going on,
785
00:31:20,212 --> 00:31:21,839
you got to get on.
Crowd's gonna thin out.
786
00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:23,591
- Just a quick minute.
- Midge next?
787
00:31:23,632 --> 00:31:24,883
- Midge next.
- What stupid
788
00:31:24,925 --> 00:31:26,802
fucking name are using
this time?
789
00:31:26,844 --> 00:31:28,262
Sadie Morton.
790
00:31:28,304 --> 00:31:30,973
Why not?
791
00:31:31,015 --> 00:31:32,600
What are those?
792
00:31:32,641 --> 00:31:34,268
Just some notes.
793
00:31:34,310 --> 00:31:35,811
You wrote your act on cards?
794
00:31:35,853 --> 00:31:37,438
- Yeah.
- Why?
795
00:31:37,479 --> 00:31:40,232
It's good enough for Bob Hope,
it's good enough for me.
796
00:31:41,900 --> 00:31:44,570
Since when do you pattern
yourself after Bob Hope?
797
00:31:44,612 --> 00:31:48,949
All right, next up
is a really funny comedian.
798
00:31:48,991 --> 00:31:51,577
Give it up for Sadie Morton!
799
00:31:51,619 --> 00:31:53,996
Like that's a real thing.
800
00:31:55,497 --> 00:31:57,916
Hi there, everybody.
801
00:31:57,958 --> 00:32:02,087
Yup. Drink it in...
A woman comedian.
802
00:32:02,129 --> 00:32:03,881
A rare sighting.
803
00:32:03,922 --> 00:32:06,258
I know you're probably thinking,
"If I wanted
804
00:32:06,300 --> 00:32:08,385
to hear a woman yapping,
I'd have stayed home."
805
00:32:08,427 --> 00:32:11,555
But there is no way
your mothers are as funny as me.
806
00:32:13,140 --> 00:32:15,392
All right, all right,
we're having fun here.
807
00:32:15,434 --> 00:32:17,561
So I'm a mother, too,
believe it or not,
808
00:32:17,603 --> 00:32:19,855
of three rambunctious kids.
809
00:32:19,897 --> 00:32:22,941
Okay, I-I have two kids, not three.
Oh.
810
00:32:22,983 --> 00:32:25,694
Uh, one day, my oldest came home
from junior high
811
00:32:25,736 --> 00:32:27,655
and said the craziest thing.
812
00:32:27,696 --> 00:32:29,823
Okay, I'm-I'm 26.
813
00:32:29,865 --> 00:32:31,283
I-I didn't give birth at 13.
814
00:32:31,325 --> 00:32:33,702
I would have had to have
given birth at 13.
815
00:32:33,744 --> 00:32:35,204
Uh-uh. Can-can I borrow a pen?
816
00:32:35,245 --> 00:32:37,748
- Mm.
- Thank you.
817
00:32:40,250 --> 00:32:43,962
When I was a kid, my parents
told me I was their favorite,
818
00:32:44,004 --> 00:32:46,882
and that's not just because
I'm an only child.
819
00:32:46,924 --> 00:32:48,884
I actually have a brother,
820
00:32:48,926 --> 00:32:52,971
so that's another thing
that's not quite... accurate.
821
00:32:53,013 --> 00:32:55,265
Uh... you-you know,
822
00:32:55,307 --> 00:32:57,976
my family fights so much
at the dinner table,
823
00:32:58,018 --> 00:33:02,773
I'm thinking of putting up
four ropes and selling tickets.
824
00:33:02,815 --> 00:33:05,442
- I don't get that.
- It's a boxing thing.
825
00:33:05,484 --> 00:33:06,902
A boxing thing.
826
00:33:06,944 --> 00:33:09,655
Oh. Oh, okay, I get it.
Thank you, sir.
827
00:33:11,073 --> 00:33:13,033
My husband.
828
00:33:13,075 --> 00:33:16,912
Ooh, I get so mad
when he comes home late,
829
00:33:16,954 --> 00:33:19,957
I grab the frying pan,
hit him over the head,
830
00:33:19,998 --> 00:33:22,418
and doink.
831
00:33:22,459 --> 00:33:24,336
Doink?
832
00:33:26,922 --> 00:33:29,550
An-And... and my mother
is so nosy,
833
00:33:29,591 --> 00:33:32,678
I think
she could win a gold medal.
834
00:33:34,263 --> 00:33:38,600
That's M-E-D-D-L-E,
not-not M-E-D-A-L.
835
00:33:38,642 --> 00:33:41,937
It's more of a visual
spelling joke, I guess. See...
836
00:33:41,979 --> 00:33:43,772
Ooh.
837
00:33:43,814 --> 00:33:45,607
All right. Yeah.
838
00:33:47,067 --> 00:33:49,403
Wow. How did Bob Hope
become Bob Hope?
839
00:33:49,445 --> 00:33:50,988
Because he's funny.
840
00:33:51,029 --> 00:33:53,407
Thank you, sir.
841
00:33:53,449 --> 00:33:55,826
Light's on me, not you.
842
00:33:55,868 --> 00:33:58,245
I went to Bryn Mawr.
843
00:33:59,455 --> 00:34:01,415
That's literally all it says.
844
00:34:01,457 --> 00:34:02,958
Next card.
845
00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:04,251
Next comedian.
846
00:34:04,293 --> 00:34:07,045
- Excuse me?
- Bring back the banjo.
847
00:34:07,087 --> 00:34:08,881
You think
you could do better, asshole?
848
00:34:10,424 --> 00:34:12,676
- Probably.
- Oh, great.
849
00:34:12,718 --> 00:34:14,386
Then stand up
and make 'em laugh.
850
00:34:14,428 --> 00:34:17,014
Come on. Let's see what you got.
851
00:34:17,055 --> 00:34:19,349
- What? You leave your balls at home?
- Oh!
852
00:34:19,391 --> 00:34:22,019
Fine.
853
00:34:22,060 --> 00:34:25,522
Um, a Spanish magician
tells the audience
854
00:34:25,564 --> 00:34:27,608
he'll disappear
on the count of three.
855
00:34:27,649 --> 00:34:31,487
He says, "Uno, dos." Poof.
856
00:34:31,528 --> 00:34:33,238
He disappeared
without a tres.
857
00:34:41,246 --> 00:34:43,791
I quit.
858
00:34:46,084 --> 00:34:48,045
Why doesn't this stupid place
have a backstage?
859
00:34:48,086 --> 00:34:49,463
Are you trying to humiliate me?
860
00:34:49,505 --> 00:34:51,632
You're doing a great job
all by yourself.
861
00:34:51,673 --> 00:34:53,342
- What the fuck?
- Don't.
862
00:34:53,383 --> 00:34:55,010
I mean, what the fuck?
863
00:34:55,052 --> 00:34:57,012
I just want
to get the hell out of here.
864
00:34:57,054 --> 00:34:58,430
This isn't even your writing.
865
00:34:58,472 --> 00:34:59,848
Hi, Midge.
866
00:34:59,890 --> 00:35:01,767
What are you doing here?
867
00:35:01,809 --> 00:35:03,393
I came to catch your set.
868
00:35:03,435 --> 00:35:04,853
Nice job.
869
00:35:04,895 --> 00:35:07,105
Nice job?
Were you listening?
870
00:35:07,147 --> 00:35:08,941
The whole time.
871
00:35:08,982 --> 00:35:11,485
You got some good laughs
in the back there.
872
00:35:11,527 --> 00:35:13,779
How far back were you,
Cafe Wha?
873
00:35:13,821 --> 00:35:15,739
Okay, I'm just trying
to catch up here.
874
00:35:15,781 --> 00:35:18,575
- How do you know Herb Smith?
- She answered my ad
875
00:35:18,617 --> 00:35:21,078
in the Hollywood Reporter.
Hi, Susie.
876
00:35:21,119 --> 00:35:23,914
You hired the Stage Deli
bottom-feeder to write your act?
877
00:35:23,956 --> 00:35:26,083
All based on her notebook.
878
00:35:26,124 --> 00:35:27,543
Lot of good stuff in there.
879
00:35:27,584 --> 00:35:29,419
Nothing from these cards
came from my notebook.
880
00:35:29,461 --> 00:35:31,129
Yeah, because he sells
the same crappy jokes
881
00:35:31,171 --> 00:35:32,840
to everyone who hires him.
882
00:35:32,881 --> 00:35:35,133
- He's a fuckin' recycler!
- Didn't say that in the ad.
883
00:35:35,175 --> 00:35:37,970
That would have been
a dumb thing to put in the ad.
884
00:35:38,011 --> 00:35:40,389
I told you it'd be hit-and-miss!
885
00:35:40,430 --> 00:35:42,850
It was all miss, Herb.
Nothing hit!
886
00:35:42,891 --> 00:35:44,977
Please tell me
you did not pay this guy.
887
00:35:45,018 --> 00:35:47,187
- Oh, I paid him.
- Without consulting me?
888
00:35:47,229 --> 00:35:49,398
Hey, Midge, one thought?
889
00:35:49,439 --> 00:35:50,816
Oh, he's got a thought.
890
00:35:50,858 --> 00:35:52,442
The husband joke.
891
00:35:52,484 --> 00:35:54,695
When you hit him over the head
with the frying pan,
892
00:35:54,736 --> 00:35:56,488
it's not "doink."
893
00:35:56,530 --> 00:35:59,324
It's...
"Doy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoink!"
894
00:35:59,366 --> 00:36:02,411
Herb, the thing I'm gonna
hit you over the head with,
895
00:36:02,452 --> 00:36:06,832
your screams are gonna drown out
the doy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoink!
896
00:36:06,874 --> 00:36:09,042
We got to talk.
Good-bye, Herb.
897
00:36:10,836 --> 00:36:12,004
Herb Smith.
898
00:36:12,045 --> 00:36:13,797
- Really?
- I needed help.
899
00:36:13,839 --> 00:36:15,674
So you hire a guy
that'll work for salami?
900
00:36:15,716 --> 00:36:17,009
I didn't want to bomb again.
901
00:36:17,050 --> 00:36:18,343
- Oh, mission accomplished.
- Ha, ha.
902
00:36:18,385 --> 00:36:19,553
Geez. If I wanted
an act like that,
903
00:36:19,595 --> 00:36:21,179
I'd have booked your husband.
904
00:36:21,221 --> 00:36:23,557
Real nice. -I thought
we were doing this together.
905
00:36:23,599 --> 00:36:26,018
- Are we not doing this together?
- I'm here, aren't I?
906
00:36:26,059 --> 00:36:27,936
You go behind my back,
you hire a guy to help you.
907
00:36:27,978 --> 00:36:29,688
I'm here to help you.
908
00:36:29,730 --> 00:36:32,649
How? By rushing me onstage
when I wasn't even ready?
909
00:36:32,691 --> 00:36:34,484
- What are you talking about?
- I hardly stepped in the door
910
00:36:34,526 --> 00:36:36,111
and you were pushing me
to go on.
911
00:36:36,153 --> 00:36:38,572
I wanted you to have a good audience.
Great job.
912
00:36:38,614 --> 00:36:39,781
- So it's my fault.
- Yes.
913
00:36:39,823 --> 00:36:41,325
- Hey, fuck you.
- No, fuck you.
914
00:36:41,366 --> 00:36:43,035
What is wrong with you?
915
00:36:43,076 --> 00:36:44,411
I can't do this anymore.
916
00:36:44,453 --> 00:36:45,621
- Don't.
- I can't do it.
917
00:36:45,662 --> 00:36:46,705
I-I don't want to do it.
918
00:36:46,747 --> 00:36:48,457
We've talked about bombing.
919
00:36:48,498 --> 00:36:50,584
So you get up on stage and bomb.
See how you like it.
920
00:36:50,626 --> 00:36:52,377
- I'd hate it.
- Well, there you go.
921
00:36:52,419 --> 00:36:54,296
But I'm not a comedian.
You're the comedian.
922
00:36:54,338 --> 00:36:55,923
- Not anymore.
- Bullshit.
923
00:36:55,964 --> 00:36:58,383
- Not anymore.
- Oh. Again?
924
00:36:58,425 --> 00:37:00,052
Okay, fine. So you're
not gonna do this?
925
00:37:00,093 --> 00:37:01,136
- Nope.
- You're giving up?
926
00:37:01,178 --> 00:37:02,220
Yeah.
927
00:37:02,262 --> 00:37:03,847
Fine.
928
00:37:03,889 --> 00:37:05,390
Go get your purse.
929
00:37:05,432 --> 00:37:06,975
Go on home.
930
00:37:07,017 --> 00:37:08,852
But this is good-bye, Miriam.
931
00:37:08,894 --> 00:37:11,688
Or Sadie, or Cuntsy Lou Who
or whatever your name is.
932
00:37:11,730 --> 00:37:13,231
Because that's all
you and I are.
933
00:37:13,273 --> 00:37:15,192
Professional relationship.
Not girlfriends.
934
00:37:15,233 --> 00:37:17,069
- I know that.
- And if there's no profession,
935
00:37:17,110 --> 00:37:19,488
there's no relationship,
capisce?
936
00:37:19,529 --> 00:37:20,906
Good-bye.
937
00:37:20,948 --> 00:37:22,366
Uh, don't forget
your comedy cards.
938
00:37:22,407 --> 00:37:23,992
You paid good money for them.
939
00:37:24,034 --> 00:37:25,535
Don't forget to cancel
that phone you ordered.
940
00:37:25,577 --> 00:37:27,162
Unless it's too late.
941
00:37:27,204 --> 00:37:29,456
Oh, don't worry.
I didn't order the stupid phone.
942
00:37:29,498 --> 00:37:31,667
Maybe I can instinctively
smell a loser!
943
00:37:31,708 --> 00:37:33,251
Fine!
944
00:37:35,003 --> 00:37:37,172
So the priest turns
to the nun and says,
945
00:37:37,214 --> 00:37:39,174
"Excuse me,
are you staring at me?"
946
00:37:39,216 --> 00:37:40,717
- Is this a dirty joke?
- Would I tell a dirty joke
947
00:37:40,759 --> 00:37:41,843
- in mixed company?
- Yes. -Yes.
948
00:37:41,885 --> 00:37:43,178
It's not a dirty joke.
949
00:37:43,220 --> 00:37:45,347
Eat that, honey.
Eat it so that I won't.
950
00:37:45,389 --> 00:37:46,765
So, the nun says to the priest,
951
00:37:46,807 --> 00:37:49,518
"I remember you.
We met once at the Vatican."
952
00:37:49,559 --> 00:37:51,603
- This is a dirty joke.
- Not a dirty joke.
953
00:37:51,645 --> 00:37:53,897
And so, the priest says,
"The Vatican's full
954
00:37:53,939 --> 00:37:56,483
"of a lot of priests, all in
robes who look just like me.
955
00:37:56,525 --> 00:37:58,151
How do you know that was me?"
956
00:37:58,193 --> 00:38:00,696
And the nun says...
957
00:38:00,737 --> 00:38:02,114
This is a dirty joke.
958
00:38:02,155 --> 00:38:03,865
- I knew it.
- So did I.
959
00:38:03,907 --> 00:38:05,909
All right. I'll resume
smelling my dessert wine
960
00:38:05,951 --> 00:38:08,495
and acting like I know
what the hell I'm talking about.
961
00:38:08,537 --> 00:38:10,288
Excuse me, everyone,
I'm going to go freshen up.
962
00:38:10,330 --> 00:38:11,999
Because you're stale?
963
00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:14,042
I'll come with you,
because I am definitely stale.
964
00:38:14,084 --> 00:38:16,086
You're gorgeous, too, Shirl.
965
00:38:16,128 --> 00:38:18,088
You're killing m
with that tiny tush.
966
00:38:18,130 --> 00:38:20,007
Oh, Mrs. Maisel...
967
00:38:22,467 --> 00:38:25,053
- No.
- What?
968
00:38:25,095 --> 00:38:27,264
Her. No. -What the hell
are you talking about?
969
00:38:27,305 --> 00:38:28,598
You know what I'm talking about.
970
00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:29,891
How would I know
what you're talking about?
971
00:38:29,933 --> 00:38:31,101
She's young, she's emptyheaded,
972
00:38:31,143 --> 00:38:32,644
she doesn't eat. She's a shiksa.
973
00:38:32,686 --> 00:38:34,771
- So?
- Shiksas are for practice.
974
00:38:34,813 --> 00:38:36,064
Want to say that
a little louder?
975
00:38:36,106 --> 00:38:37,232
I think you heard me just fine.
976
00:38:37,274 --> 00:38:38,233
I don't believe this.
977
00:38:38,275 --> 00:38:39,317
Don't act like a child.
978
00:38:39,359 --> 00:38:40,318
You can't judge her like this.
979
00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:41,361
You don't even know her.
980
00:38:41,403 --> 00:38:42,571
I know enough. That is a girl
981
00:38:42,612 --> 00:38:43,989
that you have on the side, Joel.
982
00:38:44,031 --> 00:38:45,615
It's not a girl you marry.
983
00:38:45,657 --> 00:38:47,367
You don't introduce her
to your fucking parents.
984
00:38:47,409 --> 00:38:49,202
I had Yankees tickets tonight.
985
00:38:49,244 --> 00:38:51,121
She's a good girl. Sweet.
986
00:38:51,163 --> 00:38:52,581
"Sweet." Good.
Sounds like a Danish.
987
00:38:52,622 --> 00:38:53,582
- You'd hate her no matter what.
- Yeah. Convince yourself
988
00:38:53,623 --> 00:38:55,333
of that and then we'll talk.
989
00:38:56,418 --> 00:38:58,336
No.
990
00:38:59,880 --> 00:39:01,882
I'm eating her dessert.
991
00:39:01,923 --> 00:39:03,008
Oh, there she is.
992
00:39:03,050 --> 00:39:05,010
I stole... I stole your dessert.
993
00:39:05,052 --> 00:39:06,261
That's okay, Mrs. Maisel.
994
00:39:06,303 --> 00:39:07,679
Oh, call me Shirley.
995
00:39:07,721 --> 00:39:09,264
- Oh.
- I've got another joke.
996
00:39:09,306 --> 00:39:11,516
- It's gonna be dirty again.
- It's not gonna be dirty.
997
00:39:11,558 --> 00:39:13,769
So, a clown walks
into a laundromat.
998
00:39:13,810 --> 00:39:15,103
This is dirty.
999
00:39:15,145 --> 00:39:16,438
There's nothing dirty about it.
1000
00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:18,231
He told this joke five years ago
1001
00:39:18,273 --> 00:39:19,733
in front of the rabbi.
1002
00:39:19,775 --> 00:39:21,443
Wait, is this
the dirty temple joke?
1003
00:39:21,485 --> 00:39:22,861
It's the dirty temple joke.
1004
00:39:22,903 --> 00:39:24,404
Are you sure?
1005
00:39:24,446 --> 00:39:26,239
It ends with
cabbage up the chimney.
1006
00:39:26,281 --> 00:39:28,366
You're right, it's too
dirty. Funny, but too dirty.
1007
00:39:28,408 --> 00:39:30,202
- Okay. Knock, knock.
- Moishe...
1008
00:39:38,835 --> 00:39:41,213
♪ Life upon the wicked stage ♪
1009
00:39:41,254 --> 00:39:46,802
♪ Ain't ever
what a girl supposes ♪
1010
00:39:46,843 --> 00:39:50,180
♪ Stage door
Johnnies aren't raging ♪
1011
00:39:50,222 --> 00:39:55,102
♪ Over you with gems
and roses... ♪
1012
00:39:55,143 --> 00:39:56,311
- Hi, Midge. -Morning.
- Good morning.
1013
00:39:56,353 --> 00:39:57,729
Morning.
1014
00:39:57,771 --> 00:39:59,981
♪ When you let a feller
hold your hand ♪
1015
00:40:00,023 --> 00:40:04,236
♪ Which means an extra beer
or sandwich... ♪
1016
00:40:06,738 --> 00:40:09,866
Doors are opening.
1017
00:40:09,908 --> 00:40:13,328
- And it begins.
- Good luck.
1018
00:40:15,747 --> 00:40:17,082
Excuse me.
1019
00:40:17,124 --> 00:40:19,251
Where's the kitchenware
department?
1020
00:40:19,292 --> 00:40:20,961
- Fourth floor.
- Thank you.
1021
00:40:21,002 --> 00:40:23,713
No, wait. Sixth.
1022
00:40:23,755 --> 00:40:25,257
- Nope. Fifth.
- Uh, kitchenware's
1023
00:40:25,298 --> 00:40:26,800
on the third floor,
southwest side.
1024
00:40:26,842 --> 00:40:29,469
Thank you.
1025
00:40:29,511 --> 00:40:32,347
- You okay?
- Yeah. I'm just tired.
1026
00:40:32,389 --> 00:40:33,723
You look like you haven't
had any fun lately.
1027
00:40:33,765 --> 00:40:35,559
That's for sure.
1028
00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:37,978
Then you should come to my party
tonight. It's nothing fancy.
1029
00:40:38,019 --> 00:40:40,647
Cheap wine and pretzels
and extremely dull boys.
1030
00:40:40,689 --> 00:40:41,940
Way to sell.
1031
00:40:41,982 --> 00:40:44,276
No, really. It'll be fun.
1032
00:40:44,317 --> 00:40:47,696
- ♪ Life upon the wicked stage ♪
- Maybe.
1033
00:40:47,737 --> 00:40:49,447
- ♪ Ain't nothing for a girl. ♪
- Thanks for the invite.
1034
00:40:57,497 --> 00:40:59,291
- Hello?
- Joel, hi. It's me.
1035
00:40:59,332 --> 00:41:01,543
Hey, Arch.
We were just about to step out.
1036
00:41:01,585 --> 00:41:03,712
We, uh, meeting
in the lobby or outside?
1037
00:41:03,753 --> 00:41:05,547
Joel, sorry,
but we got to beg off.
1038
00:41:05,589 --> 00:41:07,549
What? -We're stuck here.
Babysitter just canceled.
1039
00:41:07,591 --> 00:41:08,925
She canceled?
1040
00:41:08,967 --> 00:41:10,510
Last second.
She's never done this.
1041
00:41:10,552 --> 00:41:12,345
Call another.
You got, like, four of them.
1042
00:41:12,387 --> 00:41:14,055
Yeah. They're all booked.
1043
00:41:14,097 --> 00:41:15,724
Oh. Well...
1044
00:41:15,765 --> 00:41:17,517
I could call Mrs. Moskowitz
and see if she could...
1045
00:41:17,559 --> 00:41:19,102
And Imogene's not feeling well.
1046
00:41:19,144 --> 00:41:20,437
Cold, or something.
1047
00:41:20,478 --> 00:41:22,105
Can we take a raincheck?
1048
00:41:22,147 --> 00:41:23,648
It's a Broadway show.
There's no raincheck.
1049
00:41:23,690 --> 00:41:25,233
I know.
1050
00:41:25,275 --> 00:41:26,443
I feel terrible.
1051
00:41:26,484 --> 00:41:28,111
- Arch.
- I'm sorry, buddy.
1052
00:41:28,153 --> 00:41:30,113
Really.
1053
00:41:30,155 --> 00:41:31,448
I'll see you tomorrow?
1054
00:41:31,489 --> 00:41:33,074
Yeah. See you tomorrow.
1055
00:41:33,116 --> 00:41:35,118
Bye.
1056
00:41:41,541 --> 00:41:43,543
♪ A Be-bop baby ♪
1057
00:41:43,585 --> 00:41:46,171
♪ A Be-bop
baby ♪
1058
00:41:46,213 --> 00:41:48,506
♪ A Be-bop baby ♪
1059
00:41:48,548 --> 00:41:50,884
♪ She's the gal for me ♪
1060
00:41:50,926 --> 00:41:54,095
♪ She got plenty of rhythm,
got plenty of jive ♪
1061
00:41:54,137 --> 00:41:56,598
♪ And when we dance,
it really comes alive ♪
1062
00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:58,808
♪ My love for her's
so tender and sweet ♪
1063
00:41:58,850 --> 00:42:01,478
♪ My heart starts pounding
every time we meet ♪
1064
00:42:01,519 --> 00:42:04,022
♪ A Be-bop baby
still in her teens ♪
1065
00:42:04,064 --> 00:42:06,858
♪ Just as sweet
as she can be... ♪
1066
00:42:06,900 --> 00:42:09,069
Hi, there. Midge, right?
From makeup?
1067
00:42:09,110 --> 00:42:10,695
- Oh, yes.
- Arnie. Menswear.
1068
00:42:10,737 --> 00:42:12,197
- Schlitz?
- Thank you, Arnie.
1069
00:42:12,239 --> 00:42:14,115
- So how you liking the job?
- I like it.
1070
00:42:14,157 --> 00:42:15,617
Lot of nice girls
down in makeup.
1071
00:42:15,659 --> 00:42:17,535
- Very nice.
- It's all men up where I am.
1072
00:42:17,577 --> 00:42:19,329
Comes with the territory.
1073
00:42:19,371 --> 00:42:21,164
- So you like Ricky Nelson?
- What I've heard.
1074
00:42:21,206 --> 00:42:23,166
It's funny how we all grew up
watching him on TV,
1075
00:42:23,208 --> 00:42:24,542
now he's this big rock star.
1076
00:42:24,584 --> 00:42:26,002
- The next Elvis.
- Very funny.
1077
00:42:27,254 --> 00:42:29,005
♪ She's the gal for me... ♪
1078
00:42:29,047 --> 00:42:30,632
Oh, were you hitting on me?
1079
00:42:30,674 --> 00:42:33,218
- Oh, no, I...
- You are. That's so sweet,
1080
00:42:33,260 --> 00:42:34,970
but that's not
why I'm here, Arnie.
1081
00:42:35,011 --> 00:42:36,680
- I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.
1082
00:42:36,721 --> 00:42:38,515
Uh, did you want
the Schlitz back?
1083
00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:39,766
No, it's fine.
1084
00:42:39,808 --> 00:42:42,560
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
1085
00:42:42,602 --> 00:42:44,062
Midge.
1086
00:42:44,104 --> 00:42:45,772
- You came.
- I did.
1087
00:42:45,814 --> 00:42:47,399
- Ah!
- Nice place.
1088
00:42:47,440 --> 00:42:49,609
Eh, it's, uh, it's home for now.
1089
00:42:49,651 --> 00:42:52,904
Uh, Vivian, Harriet,
look what the cat dragged in.
1090
00:42:52,946 --> 00:42:54,322
Oh. Hi, Midge.
1091
00:42:54,364 --> 00:42:56,408
- Vivian's drunk.
- I'm not a drunk.
1092
00:42:56,449 --> 00:42:58,785
I didn't say you were a drunk.
I said you were drunk.
1093
00:42:58,827 --> 00:43:00,704
Honey, you have two cups.
What's up with that?
1094
00:43:00,745 --> 00:43:03,540
I poured myself a vodka and
I forgot, and I poured a gin.
1095
00:43:03,581 --> 00:43:04,916
Guess I could mix 'em.
1096
00:43:04,958 --> 00:43:06,376
Oh, Vivian, no, no, no, no, no.
1097
00:43:06,418 --> 00:43:08,086
You will thank me
in the morning.
1098
00:43:08,128 --> 00:43:10,046
She's not gonna be thanking
anyone in the morning.
1099
00:43:10,088 --> 00:43:11,256
I'll keep Vivian close tonight.
1100
00:43:11,298 --> 00:43:12,424
I'm not a child.
1101
00:43:12,465 --> 00:43:14,009
Hey, we've all done this.
1102
00:43:14,050 --> 00:43:17,053
I once mixed tequila,
absinthe and red wine.
1103
00:43:17,095 --> 00:43:18,763
- Ooh. -Ouch.
- Came out pink.
1104
00:43:18,805 --> 00:43:21,474
I'd never puked
my favorite color before.
1105
00:43:21,516 --> 00:43:23,977
I don't even much like
the taste of alcohol.
1106
00:43:24,019 --> 00:43:25,145
Oh, me either.
1107
00:43:25,186 --> 00:43:26,604
- But I like being tipsy.
- Mmm.
1108
00:43:26,646 --> 00:43:28,231
I mean, I wish
there was a pill...
1109
00:43:28,273 --> 00:43:31,318
I-I guess there is.
It's called "pills."
1110
00:43:31,359 --> 00:43:34,195
Hi, girls. Uh, what happened
to all the guys?
1111
00:43:34,237 --> 00:43:35,864
They're clustered in a corner.
1112
00:43:35,905 --> 00:43:37,532
Why do they do that?
1113
00:43:37,574 --> 00:43:38,950
Why do they cluster like that?
1114
00:43:38,992 --> 00:43:40,952
Because we intimidate them
or because
1115
00:43:40,994 --> 00:43:44,205
they're finally admitting they
don't know anything about cars?
1116
00:43:44,247 --> 00:43:47,292
Lots of tears
and catharsis over that.
1117
00:43:47,334 --> 00:43:50,086
Or maybe they're just hoping to
start a really easily-winnable
1118
00:43:50,128 --> 00:43:53,298
game of tug-of-war.
Or it's just a bunch of guys
1119
00:43:53,340 --> 00:43:55,342
who didn't make their high
school team talking about
1120
00:43:55,383 --> 00:43:58,636
how Mickey Mantle
can improve his swing.
1121
00:44:10,190 --> 00:44:11,691
Hi, Rose.
1122
00:44:11,733 --> 00:44:15,070
Did Midge tell you?
I'm bringing Ethan back.
1123
00:44:18,490 --> 00:44:19,949
See you later, sport.
1124
00:44:19,991 --> 00:44:21,993
Bye, Daddy.
1125
00:44:27,165 --> 00:44:29,167
Your wife is working.
1126
00:44:33,671 --> 00:44:35,215
Your first apartment?
1127
00:44:35,256 --> 00:44:36,716
My very first.
1128
00:44:36,758 --> 00:44:38,760
You know, I never had
a first apartment.
1129
00:44:38,802 --> 00:44:42,097
I lived with my folks,
went to college, got married.
1130
00:44:42,138 --> 00:44:44,140
I've never
killed my own spiders.
1131
00:44:44,182 --> 00:44:45,850
What do you do
if you see one?
1132
00:44:45,892 --> 00:44:48,812
I assume
just get a new apartment.
1133
00:44:48,853 --> 00:44:51,564
Really, three girls
and one bathroom?
1134
00:44:51,606 --> 00:44:53,650
And you haven't
tried to kill each other yet?
1135
00:44:53,691 --> 00:44:55,652
Just... attack each other
with eyelash curlers,
1136
00:44:55,693 --> 00:44:57,570
karate each other
with bra straps...
1137
00:44:57,612 --> 00:45:00,281
What happens here?
It's frightening.
1138
00:45:00,323 --> 00:45:02,492
♪ Would ya like to know what
kind of conversation goes on ♪
1139
00:45:02,534 --> 00:45:04,536
♪ While they're
loafing around at home? ♪
1140
00:45:04,577 --> 00:45:06,579
♪ They'll be tryin' out Bevo,
tryin' out cubebs ♪
1141
00:45:06,621 --> 00:45:09,207
♪ Tryin' out Tailor Mades
like Cigarette Fiends ♪
1142
00:45:09,249 --> 00:45:11,501
♪ And braggin' all about
how they're gonna cover up ♪
1143
00:45:11,543 --> 00:45:13,169
♪ A tell-tale breath
with Sen-Sen ♪
1144
00:45:13,211 --> 00:45:15,338
♪ One fine night,
they leave the pool hall ♪
1145
00:45:15,380 --> 00:45:17,215
♪ Headin' for the dance
at the Arm'ry ♪
1146
00:45:17,257 --> 00:45:18,967
♪ Libertine men
and Scarlet women ♪
1147
00:45:19,008 --> 00:45:20,677
♪ And Rag-time,
shameless music ♪
1148
00:45:20,718 --> 00:45:22,846
♪ That'll grab your son,
your daughter ♪
1149
00:45:22,887 --> 00:45:25,682
♪ With the arms of a jungle
animal instinct, mass-steria ♪
1150
00:45:25,723 --> 00:45:29,310
♪ Friends, the idle brain is the
devil's playground, trouble ♪
1151
00:45:29,352 --> 00:45:31,104
- ♪ Oh, we got trouble ♪
- ♪ Right here in River City ♪
1152
00:45:31,146 --> 00:45:32,939
- ♪ Right here in River City ♪
- ♪ With a capital "T" ♪
1153
00:45:32,981 --> 00:45:35,066
♪ And that rhymes with "P"
and that stands for pool ♪
1154
00:45:35,108 --> 00:45:37,277
- ♪ That stands for pool ♪
- ♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
1155
00:45:37,318 --> 00:45:39,070
- ♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
- ♪ Right here in River City ♪
1156
00:45:39,112 --> 00:45:40,655
- ♪ Right here ♪
- ♪ Gotta figure out a way ♪
1157
00:45:40,697 --> 00:45:42,740
♪ To keep the young ones
moral after school ♪
1158
00:45:42,782 --> 00:45:44,826
♪ Our children's children
gonna have trouble, trouble ♪
1159
00:45:44,868 --> 00:45:47,120
- ♪ Trouble, trouble... ♪
- ♪ Mothers of River City ♪
1160
00:45:47,162 --> 00:45:49,164
♪ Heed that warning
before it's too late ♪
1161
00:45:49,205 --> 00:45:51,458
♪ Watch for the tell-tale
signs of corruption ♪
1162
00:45:51,499 --> 00:45:53,334
♪ The minute your son
leaves the house ♪
1163
00:45:53,376 --> 00:45:56,296
♪ Does he rebuckle his
knickerbockers below the knee? ♪
1164
00:45:56,337 --> 00:45:58,715
♪ Is there a nicotine stain
on his index finger? ♪
1165
00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:00,800
♪ A dime novel
hidden in the corn crib? ♪
1166
00:46:00,842 --> 00:46:02,635
♪ Is he starting
to memorize jokes ♪
1167
00:46:02,677 --> 00:46:04,554
♪ From Captain Billy's
Whiz Bang? ♪
1168
00:46:04,596 --> 00:46:07,765
♪ Are certain words creeping
into his conversation? ♪
1169
00:46:07,807 --> 00:46:10,935
♪ Words like "swell" ♪
1170
00:46:10,977 --> 00:46:15,064
♪ And "So's your old man"?
Well, if so my friends ♪
1171
00:46:15,106 --> 00:46:17,317
- ♪ Ya got trouble ♪
- ♪ Oh, we got trouble ♪
1172
00:46:17,358 --> 00:46:19,027
- ♪ Right here in River city ♪
- ♪ Right here in River city ♪
1173
00:46:19,068 --> 00:46:21,029
♪ With a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "P" ♪
1174
00:46:21,070 --> 00:46:23,448
- ♪ And that stands for pool ♪
- ♪ That stands for pool ♪
1175
00:46:23,490 --> 00:46:25,283
- ♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
- ♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
1176
00:46:25,325 --> 00:46:27,202
- ♪ Right here in River City ♪
- ♪ Right here ♪
1177
00:46:27,243 --> 00:46:29,704
♪ Gotta figure out a way to keep
the young ones moral after ♪
1178
00:46:29,746 --> 00:46:31,414
♪ School ♪ -♪ Our children's
children gonna have trouble ♪
1179
00:46:31,456 --> 00:46:33,625
- ♪ Trouble ♪
- ♪ Oh, we got trouble ♪
1180
00:46:33,666 --> 00:46:35,376
- ♪ Right here in River City ♪
- ♪ Right here in River City ♪
1181
00:46:35,418 --> 00:46:37,504
♪ With a capital "T"
and that rhymes with "P" ♪
1182
00:46:37,545 --> 00:46:39,506
- ♪ And that stand for pool ♪
- ♪ That stands for pool ♪
1183
00:46:39,547 --> 00:46:41,341
- ♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
- ♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
1184
00:46:41,382 --> 00:46:43,051
- ♪ Right here in River City ♪
- ♪ Right here ♪
1185
00:46:43,092 --> 00:46:45,094
♪ Remember the Maine, Plymouth
Rock and the Golden Rule ♪
1186
00:46:45,136 --> 00:46:46,763
♪ Our children's children
gonna have trouble ♪
1187
00:46:46,804 --> 00:46:48,765
- ♪ Trouble ♪
- ♪ Oh, we got trouble ♪
1188
00:46:48,806 --> 00:46:50,475
- ♪ Right here in River City ♪
- ♪ Right here in River City ♪
1189
00:46:50,517 --> 00:46:52,393
♪ With a capital "T"
and that rhymes with "P" ♪
1190
00:46:52,435 --> 00:46:54,604
- ♪ And that stands for pool ♪
- ♪ That stands for pool ♪
1191
00:46:54,646 --> 00:46:56,439
- ♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
- ♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
1192
00:46:56,481 --> 00:46:58,358
- ♪ Right here in River City ♪
- ♪ Right here ♪
1193
00:46:58,399 --> 00:47:00,652
♪ Gotta figure out a way to keep
the young ones moral after ♪
1194
00:47:00,693 --> 00:47:02,153
♪ School ♪ -♪ Our children's
children gonna have trouble ♪
1195
00:47:02,195 --> 00:47:03,780
♪ Oh, we've got trouble ♪
1196
00:47:03,821 --> 00:47:05,615
♪ We're in terrible,
terrible trouble ♪
1197
00:47:05,657 --> 00:47:07,784
♪ That game with the 15 numbered
balls is a devil's tool ♪
1198
00:47:07,825 --> 00:47:09,661
♪ Devil's tool ♪ -♪ Oh, yes, we
got trouble, trouble, trouble ♪
1199
00:47:09,702 --> 00:47:11,788
♪ Oh, yes, we got trouble here,
we got big, big trouble ♪
1200
00:47:11,829 --> 00:47:13,748
- ♪ With a "T" ♪
- ♪ With a capital "T" ♪
1201
00:47:13,790 --> 00:47:15,333
- ♪ Gotta rhyme it with "P" ♪
- ♪ That rhymes with "P" ♪
1202
00:47:15,375 --> 00:47:16,584
♪ And that stands for pool! ♪
1203
00:47:16,626 --> 00:47:20,922
♪ That stands for pool! ♪
1204
00:47:20,928 --> 00:47:22,928
Corrected & Synced by Bakugan
88971