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1
00:00:35,168 --> 00:00:37,171
[MUSIC PLAYING]
2
00:00:47,747 --> 00:00:50,227
# Get your hopes up
Get your hopes up #
3
00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:53,626
# It's gonna be great
It's gonna be awesome #
4
00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:56,232
# Get your hopes up
Get your hopes up #
5
00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:59,131
# It's gonna be great
It's gonna be awesome #
6
00:01:09,869 --> 00:01:11,746
# Better than a diamond ring #
7
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:14,215
# Get your hopes up
Get your hopes up #
8
00:01:14,374 --> 00:01:17,719
# It's gonna be great
It's gonna be awesome #
9
00:01:17,877 --> 00:01:20,448
# Get your hopes up
Get your hopes up #
10
00:01:20,613 --> 00:01:23,719
# It's gonna be great
It's gonna be awesome #
11
00:01:23,883 --> 00:01:26,261
# Get your hopes up
Keep your mouth shut #
12
00:01:26,786 --> 00:01:29,767
# It'd be so good if you
Just kept your mouth shut #
13
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,301
# Get your hopes up
Keep your mouth shut #
14
00:01:32,459 --> 00:01:35,406
# It'd be so good if you
Just kept your mouth shut #
15
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:38,307
# Get your hopes up
Keep your mouth shut #
16
00:01:38,465 --> 00:01:41,344
# It'd be so good if you
Just kept your mouth shut #
17
00:01:41,501 --> 00:01:44,277
# Get your hopes up
Keep your mouth shut #
18
00:01:44,437 --> 00:01:47,748
# It'd be so good if you
Just kept your mouth shut #
19
00:01:47,907 --> 00:01:50,319
# Get your hopes up
Keep your mouth shut #
20
00:01:50,477 --> 00:01:53,856
# It'd be so good if you
Just kept your mouth shut #
21
00:01:54,013 --> 00:01:56,255
# Get your hopes up
Keep your mouth shut #
22
00:01:56,416 --> 00:01:59,261
# It'd be so good if you
Just kept your mouth shut #
23
00:01:59,419 --> 00:02:02,264
# Kept your mouth shut ##
24
00:02:02,422 --> 00:02:05,369
MAN [ON TV]:
Tonight, at long last,
the city of Los Angeles...
25
00:02:05,525 --> 00:02:08,370
...and corporate sponsor
the Fluffy Time Biscuit Company...
26
00:02:08,528 --> 00:02:12,203
...will finally unveil the new,
improved Hollywood sign.
27
00:02:12,398 --> 00:02:16,403
[MAN GRUNTING THEN SCREAMING]
28
00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:18,276
[MUSIC PLAYING]
29
00:02:18,438 --> 00:02:19,644
[GRUNTS]
30
00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:23,821
[BOTH GASP]
31
00:02:24,544 --> 00:02:25,545
[SCREAMING]
32
00:02:31,551 --> 00:02:33,053
MAN: Hey.
33
00:02:33,219 --> 00:02:34,721
Wake up.
34
00:02:34,921 --> 00:02:36,195
[SNORING]
35
00:02:36,356 --> 00:02:39,303
- Elliot, wake up.
- Aah! Oh, it's dick titty.
36
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:43,368
Oh, blargh, sorry. Morning, John.
37
00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:45,169
Morning, Elliot.
38
00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:47,971
You might want to wish me luck today.
39
00:02:48,134 --> 00:02:49,977
Okay. Well, here it comes. Good luck, John.
40
00:02:50,136 --> 00:02:53,379
Ugh. Don't you wanna know why
you're wishing me luck today?
41
00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:55,247
Did you ask me to wish you luck?
42
00:02:55,441 --> 00:02:58,889
I happen to have a very important
meeting this afternoon...
43
00:02:59,045 --> 00:03:00,456
...with Brett Anderson.
44
00:03:00,647 --> 00:03:01,921
[LAUGHING]
45
00:03:02,081 --> 00:03:03,822
- Bullshit.
- I do.
46
00:03:03,983 --> 00:03:06,088
- Really?
- I'm meeting Brett Anderson.
47
00:03:06,252 --> 00:03:08,391
You're gonna meet Brett Anderson?
48
00:03:09,756 --> 00:03:13,704
You're meeting the actor
Brett fucking Anderson?
49
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:16,731
The star of
Murder Games,
Middle Name: Danger...
50
00:03:16,896 --> 00:03:18,967
...and
Rock Paper Scissors Murder. Seriously?
51
00:03:19,165 --> 00:03:20,610
[CHUCKLING]
52
00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:22,440
Could be our ticket to the big time.
53
00:03:22,602 --> 00:03:23,672
[WATCH BEEPS]
54
00:03:23,836 --> 00:03:26,544
- Oh, better not keep him waiting.
- All right. All right. Hey, you...
55
00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:28,948
You go knock him dead, Mr. Fancy Pants.
56
00:03:29,108 --> 00:03:30,951
I'm gonna get some writing done
before my shift.
57
00:03:31,110 --> 00:03:34,421
Ah. Slave to a fickle muse, eh?
58
00:03:34,581 --> 00:03:36,894
I leave you to it, my friend.
59
00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:39,495
[SIGHS]
60
00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:42,760
[SNIFFS]
61
00:03:42,922 --> 00:03:44,697
Okay.
62
00:03:45,758 --> 00:03:46,793
[SIGHS]
63
00:03:47,026 --> 00:03:48,562
Mocking white rectangle.
64
00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:51,766
Agony of spinning yarns from nothing...
65
00:03:51,931 --> 00:03:54,434
...but sheer imagination.
66
00:03:55,368 --> 00:03:56,369
And for what?
67
00:03:56,536 --> 00:03:58,106
For what?
68
00:03:58,271 --> 00:04:00,877
Will anyone ever begin...
69
00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:02,451
...to appreciate my genius?
70
00:04:02,609 --> 00:04:04,555
Will they ever be worthy of it?
71
00:04:05,111 --> 00:04:08,422
Don't think about that. Do your pages.
72
00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:10,220
Do your pages.
73
00:04:10,383 --> 00:04:11,657
Here we go.
74
00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:15,391
Int. Strip Club. Day.
75
00:04:15,555 --> 00:04:18,058
Naked ladies gyrate.
76
00:04:18,224 --> 00:04:20,136
Y-R-A-T-E.
77
00:04:20,293 --> 00:04:22,671
Their huge boobs are bouncing.
78
00:04:23,029 --> 00:04:25,441
Oh. No, no. Da-da-da-da-da.
79
00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:27,976
Their bosoms.
80
00:04:28,434 --> 00:04:29,572
Yes.
81
00:04:29,736 --> 00:04:33,309
"Bosoms." Much classier.
82
00:04:33,473 --> 00:04:37,319
Their bosoms bounce like great jiggly melons.
83
00:04:37,477 --> 00:04:40,481
An angry old man enters the club.
84
00:04:40,647 --> 00:04:43,924
This is Rip Van Winkle.
85
00:04:44,083 --> 00:04:48,691
Van Winkle wears olden time clothing
and... And a sleeping cap.
86
00:04:48,855 --> 00:04:52,667
Yeah. Okay. His long, white beard
reaches to the floor.
87
00:04:53,159 --> 00:04:55,469
He brandishes a large...
88
00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:56,834
...blunderbuss.
89
00:04:57,330 --> 00:05:01,108
What kind of filthy, sinful world
have I awakened to?
90
00:05:02,435 --> 00:05:03,812
ELLIOT: Van Winkle opens fire:
91
00:05:04,003 --> 00:05:05,710
Boom! Boom!
92
00:05:06,005 --> 00:05:09,475
Okay. That's... That's enough for today.
Stop when you're hot.
93
00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:13,818
Ladies and gentlemen,
the muse has left the building.
94
00:05:14,847 --> 00:05:16,850
[WHISTLING]
95
00:05:22,221 --> 00:05:23,962
[MUSIC PLAYING]
96
00:05:30,963 --> 00:05:34,843
[IN STRAINED VOICE] Won't be long now, Mo.
97
00:05:35,134 --> 00:05:39,344
The teats are full inflatable.
98
00:05:39,505 --> 00:05:41,314
[GRUNTING]
99
00:05:48,414 --> 00:05:50,656
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
No time for romance today, I'm afraid.
100
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:53,391
- It'll just have to be a...
- WOMAN: Hello. Elliot?
101
00:05:53,553 --> 00:05:54,862
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
102
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,661
It's Mrs. McCullers from next door.
103
00:05:57,824 --> 00:06:03,274
John said you're home, and I've baked
you my famous Lady Baltimore cake.
104
00:06:03,563 --> 00:06:07,067
You baked...? You baked a cake?
Oh, okay. Well, I'm...
105
00:06:07,233 --> 00:06:11,079
I'm a bit indisposed right now,
Mrs. McCullers.
106
00:06:11,237 --> 00:06:13,911
Can...? Can you just leave it
on the doorstep right there?
107
00:06:14,073 --> 00:06:15,382
MRS. McCULLERS: The birds will get it.
108
00:06:15,942 --> 00:06:17,080
- What?
- Aah! Penis.
109
00:06:17,243 --> 00:06:18,722
[MUTTERING]
110
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,683
[MUSIC PLAYING]
111
00:06:30,857 --> 00:06:33,804
Uh, Brett, this is John Truman.
112
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,907
Yeah, yeah. Nice to, uh... Nice to meet you.
113
00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:39,407
Five minutes, Mr. Truman.
114
00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:41,272
Well, let's get down to, uh...
115
00:06:41,601 --> 00:06:44,081
To brass tacks, then.
116
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,217
Shall we? Okay. So...
117
00:06:46,672 --> 00:06:48,777
...uh, question one:
118
00:06:48,941 --> 00:06:51,615
When you, yourself, go
to the movies, Mr. Anderson...
119
00:06:51,778 --> 00:06:53,553
Uh... Or Brett. May I call you Brett?
120
00:06:53,713 --> 00:06:55,556
Yeah. Yeah. You know what?
121
00:06:55,715 --> 00:06:58,127
I, uh... I prefer you didn't.
122
00:07:01,487 --> 00:07:04,764
I see. Well, as I was saying.
123
00:07:05,124 --> 00:07:07,263
When you, yourself,
attend a moving picture...
124
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:10,169
...what would you say is
your favorite fountain drink?
125
00:07:10,329 --> 00:07:11,808
- Pardon me?
- Which beverage...
126
00:07:11,964 --> 00:07:14,672
...do you find most refreshing,
as a rule of thumb?
127
00:07:14,834 --> 00:07:19,840
Uh... You know, I'm not really sure
what this has to do with my new movie:
128
00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:22,282
Rock Paper Scissors Murder...
129
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:25,787
...but you know,
if you have any questions about this...
130
00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:28,482
...gripping, psychological thriller...
131
00:07:28,648 --> 00:07:30,457
- ...I'm glad to answer them.
- Of course.
132
00:07:30,616 --> 00:07:33,153
Moving on. Question two:
133
00:07:33,319 --> 00:07:35,822
As both an artist
and an aficionado of the cinema...
134
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:39,193
...do you prefer popcorn with
or without butter-flavored topping?
135
00:07:39,358 --> 00:07:42,771
Mr. Truman, exactly which, uh,
publication do you represent?
136
00:07:42,929 --> 00:07:45,034
I'm employed by
Concessionaire Monthly.
137
00:07:45,231 --> 00:07:47,006
Magazine of the theatrical
food-service industry.
138
00:07:47,166 --> 00:07:50,773
- Okay. You'd better come with me.
- Okay. Yes, but you know what?
139
00:07:50,937 --> 00:07:52,348
- If I could have one moment.
- Please.
140
00:07:52,505 --> 00:07:54,542
- I've got a screenplay you're perfect for.
- Security.
141
00:07:54,740 --> 00:07:56,515
- Oh, God.
- Now, I didn't write it.
142
00:07:56,676 --> 00:07:58,053
My roommate Elliot did.
143
00:07:58,244 --> 00:08:00,850
But it's a real page-turner.
It's a tad long, all right?
144
00:08:01,013 --> 00:08:04,859
Four hundred pages,
but it's dramatic and touching.
145
00:08:05,017 --> 00:08:07,361
It's laugh-out-loud funny. Funny yet real.
146
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:11,024
It's about a UFO investigator
played by you, who... Spoiler alert.
147
00:08:11,190 --> 00:08:13,636
- Falls in love with the alien he's chasing.
- Time's up.
148
00:08:13,793 --> 00:08:15,739
- Sweat outside, please.
- Yes.
149
00:08:15,895 --> 00:08:18,899
Brett, I'm not only a reporter,
I'm also a fellow actor.
150
00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:22,478
There's a part in the script.
It's the investigator's skeptical sidekick.
151
00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:24,911
These headshots will
give you an idea of my range.
152
00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:28,348
Listen, I have to ask...
Ooh. I'll get those. Oh.
153
00:08:28,541 --> 00:08:30,020
[WOMEN LAUGH]
154
00:08:30,543 --> 00:08:31,988
[FARTS]
155
00:08:33,412 --> 00:08:35,085
[ALL LAUGHING]
156
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:36,850
[CAMERAS CLICKING]
157
00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:39,863
Thank you, Brett. My number's
with the materials. Call anytime.
158
00:08:41,153 --> 00:08:43,565
ELLIOT: Fired from separate jobs. Both of us.
159
00:08:43,723 --> 00:08:45,532
On the exact same day again?
160
00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:48,900
What are the odds of that
happening three times?
161
00:08:49,061 --> 00:08:51,564
Astronomical. But how could he
have fired you, Elliot?
162
00:08:51,731 --> 00:08:52,903
- I mean, why?
- Who knows?
163
00:08:53,065 --> 00:08:57,343
That sadistic son of a bitch has had
me in his crosshairs since day one.
164
00:08:57,603 --> 00:09:01,016
It could've been any of a hundred
imagined transgressions...
165
00:09:01,173 --> 00:09:02,379
...in that lunatic's head.
166
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:06,923
Dude, I've been fired from a video store,
a bowling alley, a comic-book shop.
167
00:09:07,079 --> 00:09:08,422
And an ice-cream parlor.
168
00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:10,254
I'm running out of dream jobs.
169
00:09:10,416 --> 00:09:11,952
Know what would lift our spirits?
170
00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:14,598
Us brightening the girls' day
with a surprise visit.
171
00:09:14,754 --> 00:09:16,256
[MUSIC PLAYING]
172
00:09:19,358 --> 00:09:20,962
# I'm deluxe #
173
00:09:21,460 --> 00:09:23,235
# Baby, I'm printin' them bucks ##
174
00:09:24,196 --> 00:09:27,871
How can this many people be shopping
in the middle of the week?
175
00:09:28,034 --> 00:09:30,708
What are they all,
welfare cheats and screenwriters?
176
00:09:30,870 --> 00:09:32,816
Thought the economy's in the toilet.
177
00:09:32,972 --> 00:09:35,418
Doesn't anyone have a job anymore?
178
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:37,314
Takers.
179
00:09:37,476 --> 00:09:38,887
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
180
00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:41,990
SALLY: Hey, I heard we might
discontinue the all-cotton knee-high.
181
00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:44,993
- What? Why? No way. Who said?
- Mm-hm. Yeah.
182
00:09:45,151 --> 00:09:46,630
Hey, but just keep it under your hat.
183
00:09:46,786 --> 00:09:47,821
- Okay?
- MAN: Um, ahem.
184
00:09:47,987 --> 00:09:50,729
Mr. Kelly told me
in the strictest of confidence.
185
00:09:50,890 --> 00:09:52,995
Oh, it's such a sad day.
186
00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:54,331
What are we gonna do tonight?
187
00:09:54,493 --> 00:09:57,770
- Mmm. Is
Celebrity Jousting on?
- We're DVR'ing it.
188
00:09:57,930 --> 00:10:00,410
Yes. Good. Okay. All right. What about this?
189
00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:03,479
We make-over our busty lesbian avatars,
go virtual clubbing...
190
00:10:03,636 --> 00:10:05,582
...and watch the pervert feeding-frenzy.
191
00:10:05,738 --> 00:10:07,809
AKA "Wednesday." Genius.
192
00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:09,578
[BOTH LAUGHING THEN GASP]
193
00:10:10,142 --> 00:10:11,985
- Eww.
- Oh, God.
194
00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:14,618
Afternoon, ladies. Heh.
195
00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:17,488
- What's...? What's up? Hi.
- Yeah. Hi.
196
00:10:17,650 --> 00:10:19,493
Hello, Linda.
197
00:10:19,652 --> 00:10:22,997
You...? You girls working hard
or hardly working?
198
00:10:23,155 --> 00:10:24,964
[LAUGHING]
199
00:10:25,157 --> 00:10:26,192
- Oh...
- Excuse me.
200
00:10:26,392 --> 00:10:29,168
Sorry to walk in and interrupt...
201
00:10:29,328 --> 00:10:32,798
...everybody talking to each other,
enjoying... Ahem.
202
00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:34,942
Linda...
203
00:10:35,101 --> 00:10:36,136
...register.
204
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:38,111
- LINDA: Ugh.
- Thank you.
205
00:10:39,839 --> 00:10:41,682
I... I didn't see you here yesterday.
206
00:10:41,841 --> 00:10:43,286
That's because I wasn't here.
207
00:10:43,442 --> 00:10:45,615
You know what you should do?
You should make a...
208
00:10:45,778 --> 00:10:47,485
You should Xerox your schedule.
209
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,991
Make a copy of it, and I'll have it
with me so I'll always know...
210
00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:51,822
Ha-ha-ha. No. Mm-mm.
211
00:10:51,984 --> 00:10:55,193
I'm helping customers. I can't
stand around, talking to some random...
212
00:10:55,354 --> 00:10:58,529
Oh, no problem.
I'll just... I'll just do some shopping.
213
00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:06,169
Ahem. So, um...
214
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:09,507
- I was chilling with Brett Anderson today.
- Oh, that's awesome.
215
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,308
Yeah. He's great. He's a great guy.
216
00:11:11,470 --> 00:11:13,973
Really... Really nice.
He's a little full of himself...
217
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:15,346
[CAMERAS CLICKING AND PEOPLE LAUGHING]
218
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:16,543
...to be honest.
219
00:11:16,709 --> 00:11:19,383
And short. Shorter than
he looks in the movies, for sure.
220
00:11:19,545 --> 00:11:22,151
He stands... He's probably like 4'...
221
00:11:22,314 --> 00:11:26,524
Like 4'2". Anyway, you know, he and I
are considering taking a project...
222
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,963
- ...into active development together.
- [SOFTLY] I don't care.
223
00:11:30,156 --> 00:11:31,567
Uh, yeah. Hey, before you...
224
00:11:31,724 --> 00:11:35,399
Before you flee, I have a question.
I was just wondering... Um...
225
00:11:36,095 --> 00:11:37,506
Oh, God, I'm not good at this.
226
00:11:37,663 --> 00:11:38,972
[CHUCKLES]
227
00:11:39,165 --> 00:11:41,077
What I'm trying to say is, uh...
228
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,004
You know what? I would love to...
229
00:11:43,169 --> 00:11:44,705
[SQUEAKS]
230
00:11:45,071 --> 00:11:46,482
Oh.
231
00:11:47,673 --> 00:11:50,518
I finally cracked that horror script
I was telling you about.
232
00:11:50,676 --> 00:11:52,519
Remember that one:
Van Winkle?
233
00:11:52,678 --> 00:11:55,090
It's... It's a present-day retelling...
234
00:11:55,247 --> 00:11:59,059
...of Washington Irving's classic tale
of Rip Van Winkle...
235
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:02,791
...which is public domain,
but when he wakes up in my version...
236
00:12:02,988 --> 00:12:06,094
...he finds modern society
so objectionable...
237
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:12,035
...he starts killing everyone.
I find it to be sort of a post-modern...
238
00:12:12,198 --> 00:12:15,202
- $15.32, please.
- You know what, Linda?
239
00:12:15,367 --> 00:12:17,870
When are we gonna get together
for another double-date?
240
00:12:18,037 --> 00:12:19,209
That's what I wanna know.
241
00:12:19,371 --> 00:12:21,817
We can't have another double-date
because we never had one.
242
00:12:22,007 --> 00:12:25,147
You just followed us to the movies
and sat behind us.
243
00:12:25,311 --> 00:12:28,383
Listen, Linda, I... I realize I'm no prize.
244
00:12:28,547 --> 00:12:31,494
I... I mean, look at me, but...
245
00:12:31,650 --> 00:12:35,063
...I want you to know,
just maybe, one of these days...
246
00:12:35,221 --> 00:12:37,292
...John and I are gonna do something special.
247
00:12:37,456 --> 00:12:39,231
We're gonna make a name for ourselves.
248
00:12:39,391 --> 00:12:42,566
- Will you go away now?
- Anyhow, nice...
249
00:12:42,728 --> 00:12:44,435
Nice seeing you. Bye.
250
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,602
[MUSIC PLAYING]
251
00:12:57,810 --> 00:13:02,316
No. Yo, you decide because every time
I pick it, you don't like the place I pick...
252
00:13:02,481 --> 00:13:06,691
- ...and it's a whole thing, so just...
- No, no, no. Go on, really. It's fine.
253
00:13:06,852 --> 00:13:09,196
- I'll settle for anything.
- For any...? Oh, okay.
254
00:13:09,355 --> 00:13:11,528
Well, how about Hamburger Junction?
255
00:13:11,690 --> 00:13:14,193
Oh, seriously? Hamburger Junction?
256
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,967
We always eat at Hamburger Junction.
I'm sick to death of Hamburger Junction.
257
00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:19,439
What about Der Noodle?
258
00:13:19,598 --> 00:13:20,941
No, we had German yesterday.
259
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:22,101
- Clucky's Chicken?
- No.
260
00:13:22,268 --> 00:13:23,372
- Snack World.
- Oh, no.
261
00:13:23,569 --> 00:13:24,673
- Pancake Brothers?
- No.
262
00:13:24,837 --> 00:13:26,441
- Just Soup.
- Fuck, no.
263
00:13:26,605 --> 00:13:27,606
Finger Food Connection...
264
00:13:27,773 --> 00:13:29,480
- ...where good food is at your fingertips.
- Uh-uh.
265
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:30,951
- Pita, Paul, and Mary.
- No.
266
00:13:31,110 --> 00:13:32,453
- Jim Dandy's.
- Negative.
267
00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:35,456
- B.J. O'Williedoodle's.
- No. I got diarrhea last time.
268
00:13:35,614 --> 00:13:36,786
- Jolly Onion.
- Nope.
269
00:13:36,949 --> 00:13:38,394
Fondue Hut. Chop-Chop Chinese.
270
00:13:38,584 --> 00:13:40,621
- Unidentified Flying Pizza. One of those.
- No.
271
00:13:40,786 --> 00:13:43,198
ELLIOT: Lasagna Barn. The Italian Goose.
272
00:13:43,355 --> 00:13:45,835
- Fiddle Stix.
- What was the name of that place?
273
00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:48,801
- The one place we went to that one time?
- The Dutch Omelet.
274
00:13:48,961 --> 00:13:52,374
No, but that sounds interesting.
Where is that, Burbank or Glendale?
275
00:13:52,531 --> 00:13:54,534
- I'm sorry. That sounds interesting?
- Yeah.
276
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:56,822
ELLIOT: I... I made that one up.
277
00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:58,506
[MUSIC PLAYING]
278
00:14:02,975 --> 00:14:06,320
Welcome to Hamburger Junction.
Would you like to see our specials?
279
00:14:06,478 --> 00:14:09,755
- Choo-choo.
- We'll need another minute. Thanks.
280
00:14:10,549 --> 00:14:11,994
Do you know what this is?
281
00:14:12,151 --> 00:14:16,691
It's a birthday card from my parents.
I'm 30 years old tomorrow.
282
00:14:16,922 --> 00:14:18,060
Happy birthday.
283
00:14:18,224 --> 00:14:20,864
No. Unhappy birthday.
284
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:23,268
After tomorrow, we're both 30, Elliot.
285
00:14:23,762 --> 00:14:26,242
Do you know how old 30 is in Hollywood?
286
00:14:26,398 --> 00:14:29,402
When you're in your 20s,
being an aimless loser is forgiven...
287
00:14:29,568 --> 00:14:32,378
...it's even encouraged,
but not when you're in your 30s.
288
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:34,575
Oh, man, you can't give up.
289
00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:38,449
I mean, 30 is the new 12.
Think of it that way.
290
00:14:38,644 --> 00:14:41,716
I mean, you just... You just
have to believe in yourself.
291
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,521
Oh, please.
That's something your parents tell you.
292
00:14:44,683 --> 00:14:46,856
Because if you think you can
become president...
293
00:14:47,019 --> 00:14:49,693
...maybe you won't be a drug dealer
or a pimp.
294
00:14:49,855 --> 00:14:54,600
Every time... Every time, John, there's
the slightest setback, you get like this.
295
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:58,435
I can... I can set my watch by it, man.
Remember your acting instructor?
296
00:14:58,597 --> 00:15:01,806
Remember when he said there was
absolutely nothing he could teach you?
297
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:04,072
Remember that? You're damn right he did.
298
00:15:04,236 --> 00:15:08,082
Didn't he practically throw you
out of his class that day?
299
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:09,549
That was his way of saying:
300
00:15:09,708 --> 00:15:13,212
"Go. Get out.
Get out there and start acting."
301
00:15:13,379 --> 00:15:17,225
And your screenwriting teacher, I mean,
he did call you his greatest student.
302
00:15:17,383 --> 00:15:20,057
He spent all of those long
hours working with you.
303
00:15:20,219 --> 00:15:22,893
Nights, at his condo, on his own time.
304
00:15:23,055 --> 00:15:24,762
He'd still be mentoring you...
305
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:27,302
...if he hadn't been jailed
for providing alcohol to minors.
306
00:15:27,459 --> 00:15:30,133
Exactly. Talent is not our problem.
307
00:15:30,296 --> 00:15:33,573
You and I, and not to sound
a little pretentious here...
308
00:15:33,732 --> 00:15:37,180
- ...we have got ass-loads of talent.
- That doesn't sound pretentious.
309
00:15:37,336 --> 00:15:39,816
What we need is opportunity.
310
00:15:39,972 --> 00:15:41,451
Yeah. Hello, world.
311
00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:43,712
- Here we are. Thank you.
- You're fucking up.
312
00:15:44,510 --> 00:15:46,456
Look at the guy who created
The Bloops.
313
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:49,092
He turned homemade
cartoon videos on the Internet...
314
00:15:49,248 --> 00:15:52,093
...into an empire. The Bloops
are everywhere.
315
00:15:52,251 --> 00:15:55,494
Now there's even a Bloops charity
for disadvantaged kids.
316
00:15:55,654 --> 00:15:57,600
God, I hate
The Bloops.
317
00:15:57,756 --> 00:16:01,966
What will it really take for us
to get a little face time with America?
318
00:16:02,127 --> 00:16:04,698
I mean, nowadays, everyone's
posting videos online...
319
00:16:04,863 --> 00:16:07,002
...of their dog farting or their kid burping.
320
00:16:07,232 --> 00:16:08,267
[LAUGHING]
321
00:16:08,434 --> 00:16:12,974
I love the one where
the burping kid's riding the farting dog.
322
00:16:13,872 --> 00:16:16,443
Millions of folks around the world
are on the Internet...
323
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:18,315
...watching those infantile videos...
324
00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:21,856
...on LOL WTF Tube and WoopsieDoopsie.com.
325
00:16:22,014 --> 00:16:24,494
What's been missing
in everything we've attempted?
326
00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:26,562
- Success.
- Newsworthiness.
327
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,858
TV and movie stars aren't enough anymore.
328
00:16:29,021 --> 00:16:32,025
People love this kind of stuff.
They think "Maybe I'm next.
329
00:16:32,191 --> 00:16:35,001
Maybe I'll fend off a criminal,
you know, or win the lottery...
330
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,538
...or have a single-engine plane
crash in my backyard."
331
00:16:37,696 --> 00:16:40,006
If we were to give
the celebrity-obsessed masses...
332
00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:43,237
...something really worth watching,
I mean really worth watching...
333
00:16:43,402 --> 00:16:45,905
...we'd also be launching our careers.
334
00:16:46,071 --> 00:16:48,745
And I'll tell you another thing.
You and me plus fame...
335
00:16:48,907 --> 00:16:51,547
...equals Sally and Linda
fall head-over-heels for us.
336
00:16:51,710 --> 00:16:54,122
Multiplied by "Fuck, yeah."
337
00:16:54,313 --> 00:16:56,589
So why not us?
338
00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:58,592
And I mean today, not tomorrow.
339
00:16:58,751 --> 00:16:59,923
Yeah. Today.
340
00:17:00,085 --> 00:17:03,863
Let's become common men
in uncommon circumstances.
341
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:06,401
- Let's go be heroes.
- Count me in.
342
00:17:06,558 --> 00:17:08,197
Today, we make our own opportunity.
343
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:10,431
- It's a new beginning.
- It's a bold adventure.
344
00:17:10,596 --> 00:17:11,768
Ready to order?
345
00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:14,376
Yes, I'm gonna have
the Caboose Burger with cheese...
346
00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:16,445
...and the Wagon Wheel fries.
347
00:17:16,602 --> 00:17:18,912
I'll have the same. No pickles.
348
00:17:19,104 --> 00:17:20,413
[MUSIC PLAYING]
349
00:17:20,572 --> 00:17:22,449
[FLIES BUZZING]
350
00:17:27,913 --> 00:17:30,894
ELLIOT: Hello, America,
watching on your computers.
351
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:34,225
Here we are behind Hinckley's Shop-o-Mart.
352
00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:39,131
My name is Elliot Alexander,
and this is Archie.
353
00:17:39,291 --> 00:17:40,463
Hello, America.
354
00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:43,630
And if I may ask,
what is your last name, Archie?
355
00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:46,242
That's a good question, man.
356
00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:50,312
Okay. Terrific. And how long
have you been a hobo?
357
00:17:50,469 --> 00:17:54,076
- What's that?
- Elliot, ix-nay on the obo-hay.
358
00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:55,616
Ahem. Um...
359
00:17:56,141 --> 00:17:58,644
Yes. Greetings, Internet enthusiasts.
360
00:17:58,811 --> 00:18:00,313
I'm John Truman.
361
00:18:00,479 --> 00:18:04,120
Elliot and I are proud to announce
that this is Archie's lucky day...
362
00:18:04,283 --> 00:18:06,593
...because no longer
will Archie have to search...
363
00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:09,096
...in these nearby dumpsters
for his next meal.
364
00:18:09,254 --> 00:18:10,289
I won't?
365
00:18:10,456 --> 00:18:14,165
No longer will Archie have to sleep
in the gutter like a common animal.
366
00:18:14,326 --> 00:18:16,704
What are you saying, man?
Who are you guys anyway?
367
00:18:16,895 --> 00:18:18,340
Shut up. Let me finish.
368
00:18:19,198 --> 00:18:22,373
Archie, we'd like to present you
with this cashier's check...
369
00:18:22,534 --> 00:18:24,138
...we've had specially prepared.
370
00:18:24,303 --> 00:18:28,183
It's for $144.57.
371
00:18:28,340 --> 00:18:29,512
Our gift to you.
372
00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:30,881
- Oh, really?
- That's correct.
373
00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:33,614
Cash this check, Archie,
and before you know it...
374
00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:36,817
...you will be pulling yourself up
by your bootstraps.
375
00:18:37,483 --> 00:18:40,555
Or your plastic bags,
whichever the case may be.
376
00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:42,722
This is really mine? That...
377
00:18:42,921 --> 00:18:45,925
Shit, well, that's awfully
nice of you boys, man.
378
00:18:47,659 --> 00:18:50,663
- Maybe you're not so bad.
- No, we're not so bad, Archie.
379
00:18:50,829 --> 00:18:53,139
- We're good because...
- That's really nice of you.
380
00:18:53,298 --> 00:18:54,971
- ...John and I feel...
- Shit.
381
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,808
...we were put on this earth
to help those less fortunate.
382
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,917
What the hell?
Oh, the damn tripod screwed up.
383
00:19:01,073 --> 00:19:03,553
Was it like that while we
were awarding the check?
384
00:19:03,709 --> 00:19:05,018
This whole thing's ruined.
385
00:19:05,177 --> 00:19:06,816
Calm down. We'll just do it over.
386
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:11,189
Okay. Yes. All right. You're right.
You're right. Hang on. I'm letting it run.
387
00:19:11,350 --> 00:19:14,559
- Okay. Let's take it from the top.
- Alrighty, Archie. Here we go.
388
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:17,064
Like before. If you give me
the check, then we'll...
389
00:19:17,222 --> 00:19:19,725
Give you the check? But you gave it to me.
390
00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:22,429
Yes, and now we're gonna
give it to you all over again.
391
00:19:22,594 --> 00:19:24,096
I already have it, man.
392
00:19:24,263 --> 00:19:25,708
Yes. No. I know.
393
00:19:25,864 --> 00:19:29,073
We must have our altruistic act
of charity captured on the video.
394
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:32,044
- You understand.
- What I understand...
395
00:19:32,204 --> 00:19:35,242
...is you're trying to take my check,
but it's mine, man.
396
00:19:35,407 --> 00:19:37,046
You and your ugly friend said so.
397
00:19:37,209 --> 00:19:40,554
- I'm sorry. Who's ugly?
- Oh, look, enough of this.
398
00:19:41,246 --> 00:19:44,591
- Let go, you filthy vagrant.
- No, man. You let go, man.
399
00:19:45,217 --> 00:19:48,027
- Damn it, Archie.
- Come on. Don't just stand there, Elliot.
400
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:50,064
Help me. He's surprisingly powerful.
401
00:19:50,222 --> 00:19:53,294
Yeah. One step closer, ugly man,
and I will brain you.
402
00:19:53,492 --> 00:19:55,404
This is crazy, Archie. We're your friends.
403
00:19:55,561 --> 00:19:59,270
No, man, you're some kind
of thieving tricksters, that's what.
404
00:19:59,431 --> 00:20:02,412
You're goddamn con men and carpetbaggers.
405
00:20:02,568 --> 00:20:04,377
That's what you are, man. You...
406
00:20:04,570 --> 00:20:06,015
BOTH: Oh!
407
00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:08,142
ARCHIE: Nertz to you, man.
408
00:20:09,074 --> 00:20:10,815
Nobody takes my check. Nobody.
409
00:20:11,009 --> 00:20:12,044
[JOHN SOBBING]
410
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:13,656
Con men and carpetbaggers.
411
00:20:13,812 --> 00:20:14,882
[HORN HONKS]
412
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,526
Hey, I'm rolling here, man.
413
00:20:22,821 --> 00:20:25,802
It's important because
it's my job application and résumé.
414
00:20:25,958 --> 00:20:29,098
- You have
The Bloops Fun Time Digest?
- I don't know. Do you have money?
415
00:20:29,261 --> 00:20:30,900
It didn't seem
Iike you dialed enough numbers...
416
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:33,134
- ...for international...
- I assure you I did.
417
00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:35,608
My dad's next door at the...
418
00:20:35,767 --> 00:20:38,976
The Bloops Fun Time Digest, Volume 1 Issue 3.
419
00:20:39,171 --> 00:20:43,347
- Mm. Okay, but...
- I'll be keeping an eye on you.
420
00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:45,316
- Ugh.
- Your fax went through, ma'am.
421
00:20:45,477 --> 00:20:46,854
I promise you. Eight dollars.
422
00:20:47,045 --> 00:20:48,524
You keep calling me "ma'am"...
423
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:52,184
...and I'm pretty sure I'm a lot
younger than you. Okay?
424
00:20:52,351 --> 00:20:55,662
- So annoying.
- How's it going, Edward?
425
00:20:55,821 --> 00:20:58,825
I mean, how is the king today?
426
00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:03,838
The king grows weary, for his subjects
are imbeciles and unappreciative.
427
00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:06,704
No one seems to grasp just
what kind of Herculean effort...
428
00:21:06,865 --> 00:21:10,608
...it takes to keep a brick-and-mortar
collectibles emporium afloat in this age.
429
00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:13,716
- We need your help.
- Of course you do. Come with me.
430
00:21:13,872 --> 00:21:15,317
Mind the store, Becky.
431
00:21:15,474 --> 00:21:17,511
Yes, Your Majesty.
432
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:25,160
[PLAYING LIVELY TUNE]
433
00:21:25,317 --> 00:21:27,354
[MUSIC PLAYING]
434
00:21:38,397 --> 00:21:41,537
And what is it exactly
you require, gentlemen?
435
00:21:41,700 --> 00:21:43,009
European triple-X cartoons?
436
00:21:43,168 --> 00:21:45,148
She-male face-sitting short subjects?
437
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:48,149
Paul Lynde's Halloween Special
on VHS? What's your pleasure?
438
00:21:48,507 --> 00:21:51,181
Um, actually, Ed, we're kind of wondering...
439
00:21:51,343 --> 00:21:54,552
...if we could borrow your
Iittle digital video cam.
440
00:21:54,713 --> 00:21:56,750
Our camera got misplaced.
441
00:21:56,915 --> 00:22:00,829
Why don't you use your phone like every
other person in the entire human race?
442
00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:03,330
Well, it's a bit of an older model.
443
00:22:03,488 --> 00:22:05,092
What is that?
444
00:22:05,257 --> 00:22:06,566
A phone.
445
00:22:06,725 --> 00:22:09,763
My phone doesn't have a camera.
446
00:22:09,928 --> 00:22:11,840
Or a keyboard. Unbelievable.
447
00:22:11,997 --> 00:22:14,568
- What about yours?
- Uh, yeah. Um...
448
00:22:14,733 --> 00:22:19,079
Well, we share that one, heh, to...
You know, to economize.
449
00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:21,374
How thrifty.
450
00:22:22,641 --> 00:22:25,247
When you say you'd like
to "borrow" my mini-camera...
451
00:22:25,410 --> 00:22:28,880
...I assume what you really
meant to say is "rent."
452
00:22:29,047 --> 00:22:30,890
JOHN: You know what?
We need to be courageous.
453
00:22:31,049 --> 00:22:33,757
- We need to be heroic.
- We're gonna be heroes.
454
00:22:33,919 --> 00:22:36,263
This can't be about us. That was our mistake.
455
00:22:36,421 --> 00:22:38,230
- Yeah. We're being selfish.
- Exactly.
456
00:22:38,390 --> 00:22:41,030
We need to be touching
other people's lives meaningfully.
457
00:22:41,193 --> 00:22:43,799
- Making a difference.
- We've got to be selfless.
458
00:22:43,962 --> 00:22:46,704
Oh, you said it there.
How do you zoom with this thing?
459
00:22:46,865 --> 00:22:51,712
Sometimes, being a hero simply means
being in the right place at the right time.
460
00:22:51,870 --> 00:22:53,474
ELLIOT: Ten-four, good buddy.
461
00:22:56,975 --> 00:23:00,923
Testing, testing, one, two, three.
Okay. I think the camera's working.
462
00:23:01,079 --> 00:23:03,423
Great. Now we just need to be
first on the scene...
463
00:23:03,582 --> 00:23:06,153
...at some quick horrible emergency
where we can be saviors.
464
00:23:06,318 --> 00:23:09,390
Like maybe a traffic accident.
We pull the victims free.
465
00:23:09,554 --> 00:23:11,761
JOHN:
Or even a suicide jumper
that we talk down.
466
00:23:11,923 --> 00:23:15,098
- We'll say, "Get down. It's not worth it."
- Let's keep our eyes peeled...
467
00:23:15,260 --> 00:23:18,173
...because people abandon babies
in Los Angeles all the time.
468
00:23:18,330 --> 00:23:19,832
If we lucked into one of those...
469
00:23:19,998 --> 00:23:21,807
- That would be sweet.
- The best.
470
00:23:21,967 --> 00:23:24,311
WOMAN [OVER RADIO]:
All units be
advised. 5500 block, Vermont Avenue.
471
00:23:24,469 --> 00:23:27,917
Hey, whatever that is,
it's right near here. Let's roll.
472
00:23:28,106 --> 00:23:30,109
[MUSIC PLAYING]
473
00:23:31,443 --> 00:23:33,218
[HORNS HONK]
474
00:23:36,748 --> 00:23:38,751
[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]
475
00:23:40,919 --> 00:23:41,989
It's a fire.
476
00:23:42,154 --> 00:23:44,157
Sweet. I wanted it to be a fire.
477
00:23:44,322 --> 00:23:45,995
Is that bad? I wanted it to be a fire.
478
00:23:46,158 --> 00:23:49,333
Somebody call 911.
479
00:23:49,528 --> 00:23:50,837
[GRUNTING]
480
00:23:51,463 --> 00:23:53,306
- Is everyone out?
- I don't know.
481
00:23:53,465 --> 00:23:56,002
Are you all right?
Oh, what happened to your head?
482
00:23:56,168 --> 00:23:58,045
OLD WOMAN: Help.
483
00:23:58,236 --> 00:24:00,341
Someone help me.
484
00:24:00,539 --> 00:24:01,609
[CROWD GASPS]
485
00:24:01,773 --> 00:24:03,685
- Somebody do something.
- It's too dangerous.
486
00:24:03,842 --> 00:24:05,446
[SCREAMS]
487
00:24:05,644 --> 00:24:07,886
- Oh, where'd she go?
- This is our chance.
488
00:24:08,046 --> 00:24:10,049
- This is our chance.
- Do some good.
489
00:24:11,349 --> 00:24:13,352
What the fuck is wrong with them?
490
00:24:17,389 --> 00:24:19,198
[SIREN WAILING]
491
00:24:19,391 --> 00:24:21,633
Go, go, go. Let's move, people.
492
00:24:21,793 --> 00:24:23,136
Get down. Get down.
493
00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:25,400
Watch your back. Through those doors.
494
00:24:38,009 --> 00:24:41,013
What is a hero? Am I a hero?
495
00:24:41,213 --> 00:24:43,716
Some may think so. These two young lives...
496
00:24:43,882 --> 00:24:46,328
Look at that old witch. Showboat!
497
00:24:46,485 --> 00:24:48,897
Hot dog. Big whoop.
498
00:24:49,054 --> 00:24:51,762
- She did save your life.
- Oh, I don't care.
499
00:24:51,923 --> 00:24:54,665
I mean, I was doing fine
till I breathed all that smoke...
500
00:24:54,826 --> 00:24:56,738
...and took a header down the stairwell.
501
00:24:56,895 --> 00:24:58,431
How do I know she didn't push me?
502
00:24:58,597 --> 00:25:01,100
We might not be the heroes,
but we'll still get publicity.
503
00:25:01,266 --> 00:25:03,405
Here's an old acting tip for the interview.
504
00:25:03,568 --> 00:25:05,912
Rub a little dirt in your eyes.
505
00:25:06,071 --> 00:25:08,881
The more we cry, the more newsworthy we are.
506
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:12,078
- Oh. Here they come. Get ready.
- Wait. They're leaving.
507
00:25:12,310 --> 00:25:15,052
Uh... Excuse me. Excuse me. Miss.
508
00:25:15,213 --> 00:25:17,193
My friend and I were pulled from the inferno.
509
00:25:17,349 --> 00:25:20,762
- No time, guys. We're out of here.
- No. Look, you don't understand.
510
00:25:20,919 --> 00:25:22,865
We almost died in there.
511
00:25:23,021 --> 00:25:26,662
It was like we were standing
at the gates of Hades.
512
00:25:26,825 --> 00:25:29,328
My friend is crying, you ghouls.
513
00:25:29,494 --> 00:25:32,373
Sorry, fellas, but there's
a hostage situation at Dinkle's Donuts.
514
00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:34,568
Thirteen people are being held
by a disgruntled pie man.
515
00:25:34,733 --> 00:25:37,111
You know, real news. Let's go!
516
00:25:37,302 --> 00:25:38,548
[TIRES SCREECHING]
517
00:25:41,006 --> 00:25:43,748
MAN [ON TV]:
This is the latest
in a series of rampages...
518
00:25:43,909 --> 00:25:47,379
...by gun-toting bakery employees.
Many wonder if these acts of violence...
519
00:25:47,546 --> 00:25:50,083
...aren't a reaction to the high-pressure
demands of baking...
520
00:25:50,248 --> 00:25:53,525
...with its Sysiphusian workload
and taxing predawn hours.
521
00:25:54,085 --> 00:25:55,962
Aren't you scrubbed up yet?
522
00:25:56,588 --> 00:25:59,364
- They sure taught us a lesson.
- What are you talking about?
523
00:25:59,524 --> 00:26:01,367
Elliot, we've been idiots.
524
00:26:01,526 --> 00:26:05,030
We've been going about it all wrong.
You want attention, press coverage?
525
00:26:05,430 --> 00:26:07,376
You think you do that by doing good works?
526
00:26:07,532 --> 00:26:10,536
No way. Take a look.
"Exclusive interview with a mad bomber."
527
00:26:10,702 --> 00:26:12,409
I mean, what would we have to do...
528
00:26:12,571 --> 00:26:14,608
...to get on the cover of
News Time magazine?
529
00:26:14,773 --> 00:26:16,150
Look. Anywhere.
530
00:26:16,341 --> 00:26:19,322
"TV Peeper Online: Confessions
of a Congressional Masseuse."
531
00:26:19,477 --> 00:26:22,617
"Info Week. The Seattle Panty Bandit
tells his side of the story."
532
00:26:22,781 --> 00:26:25,159
Even
The New York Times. The New York Times!
533
00:26:25,884 --> 00:26:28,490
What's their top story? "Pervert Rapes Self."
534
00:26:28,653 --> 00:26:31,065
What does the depraved
American citizenry want?
535
00:26:31,222 --> 00:26:34,101
All things lurid and unexpurgated.
536
00:26:34,259 --> 00:26:37,798
Prison diaries, tell-alls,
fully illustrated erotic cookbooks.
537
00:26:37,963 --> 00:26:41,467
They can't get enough reality
programming and TV talk-show scandals.
538
00:26:41,633 --> 00:26:44,079
- We've been so naïve.
- Whoa, Johnny, slow down.
539
00:26:44,235 --> 00:26:45,805
It's not fame we need, Elliot.
540
00:26:45,971 --> 00:26:49,111
It's infamy. That's what gets rewarded.
541
00:26:49,274 --> 00:26:52,619
Look at them. Right there.
Look at all the attention they're getting.
542
00:26:52,777 --> 00:26:55,781
However, you are overlooking
one small detail...
543
00:26:55,947 --> 00:26:58,757
...which is we do not want
to go up the river...
544
00:26:58,917 --> 00:27:00,328
...as they say in the criminal parlance...
545
00:27:00,485 --> 00:27:05,093
...because that's where unwelcome
things often go up a person's rear end.
546
00:27:05,256 --> 00:27:06,462
Yes. Granted.
547
00:27:06,625 --> 00:27:09,765
I understand we shouldn't risk
more jail time than is necessary.
548
00:27:09,928 --> 00:27:11,305
Maybe a night or two at most.
549
00:27:11,496 --> 00:27:13,772
- Um, heh. How's that again?
- I'm sorry.
550
00:27:13,932 --> 00:27:15,377
You still wanna hit the big time, don't you?
551
00:27:15,533 --> 00:27:17,342
Well, yes, sure. Except...
552
00:27:17,502 --> 00:27:21,974
Wouldn't you spend a night behind bars
if that's what it took to change your luck?
553
00:27:22,941 --> 00:27:25,148
To change your life.
554
00:27:25,343 --> 00:27:27,016
[MUSIC PLAYING]
555
00:27:32,017 --> 00:27:33,656
JOHN: Welcome to cyber century, friend.
556
00:27:33,818 --> 00:27:35,457
We're going to make a name for ourselves...
557
00:27:35,620 --> 00:27:37,862
...without setting foot into the real world.
558
00:27:38,023 --> 00:27:40,060
How are we gonna manage that?
559
00:27:40,291 --> 00:27:43,136
JOHN: Um, uhh... Have you ever
heard of computer hacking?
560
00:27:43,294 --> 00:27:46,798
Yes, I have. What do you
know about computer hacking?
561
00:27:46,965 --> 00:27:48,501
Well, I dabble, mostly...
562
00:27:48,667 --> 00:27:53,048
...but there's plenty of DIY advice
on all my favorite conspiracy sites.
563
00:27:53,304 --> 00:27:55,409
What do you think
I'm doing in here all the time?
564
00:27:55,573 --> 00:27:57,985
- Role-playing and masturbating?
- No.
565
00:27:58,143 --> 00:28:01,249
- I don't think you're role-playing.
- The sport of geeks:
566
00:28:01,446 --> 00:28:04,393
Secretly cracking into corporate
and government networks.
567
00:28:04,549 --> 00:28:07,962
Peering back through the chemtrail haze,
watching the watchers.
568
00:28:08,319 --> 00:28:12,199
I never dared leave my calling card
until today.
569
00:28:14,325 --> 00:28:16,237
Oh, God, this is exhilarating.
570
00:28:16,394 --> 00:28:18,874
MegaSoft, though. That...
571
00:28:19,030 --> 00:28:21,533
Shouldn't we be cutting our teeth
on something a little...
572
00:28:21,700 --> 00:28:25,079
...not quite so gigantically huge?
573
00:28:25,236 --> 00:28:28,877
JOHN:
It's precisely because MegaSoft's
the largest corporate empire on Earth...
574
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:32,078
...that they deserve to feel the sting
of my everyman's lash.
575
00:28:32,243 --> 00:28:33,278
[CHUCKLES]
576
00:28:33,478 --> 00:28:37,392
First, we merely insert a little
protest message on their home page.
577
00:28:37,982 --> 00:28:39,894
We're in. Yes.
578
00:28:40,051 --> 00:28:43,055
All right. Now my merciless missive.
579
00:28:43,388 --> 00:28:44,423
[POPPING]
580
00:28:45,023 --> 00:28:49,870
"Megasoft fat cats. Anything to make a buck.
581
00:28:50,028 --> 00:28:52,634
Gentlemen, you suck."
582
00:28:52,797 --> 00:28:54,640
- That's not bad.
- Yeah.
583
00:28:54,799 --> 00:28:58,747
Well, I gotta tell you, nothing hits
the mark quite like a satirical haiku.
584
00:28:58,903 --> 00:29:00,644
Millions worldwide will see it.
585
00:29:00,805 --> 00:29:03,149
And once we've come forward
to claim responsibility...
586
00:29:03,308 --> 00:29:06,881
...you and I are going to be hailed
as 21st century Robin Hoods.
587
00:29:07,045 --> 00:29:10,493
What screen name do you want?
I'm gonna go with "Deadly Jester."
588
00:29:10,648 --> 00:29:12,287
[CACKLING]
589
00:29:12,517 --> 00:29:14,326
You know what? Put me down as...
590
00:29:14,519 --> 00:29:15,554
..."Boobmaster."
591
00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:18,599
- B-double-O-B-M-A-S-T-E-R.
- T-E-R.
592
00:29:18,757 --> 00:29:20,327
I figured that's how it's spelled.
593
00:29:20,525 --> 00:29:22,004
It's not menacing enough.
594
00:29:22,160 --> 00:29:23,935
I mean, what's it even supposed to mean?
595
00:29:24,095 --> 00:29:27,736
Ah... Okay. Fine. All right.
"Fistofsatan." All one word.
596
00:29:27,899 --> 00:29:30,971
Here we go. Moment of truth.
597
00:29:31,136 --> 00:29:33,139
[MUSIC PLAYING]
598
00:29:36,908 --> 00:29:40,447
No, no, no!
599
00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:42,819
Okay? That is all wrong.
600
00:29:42,981 --> 00:29:45,928
We'll do it again. We're trying it again.
601
00:29:46,084 --> 00:29:48,360
As you wish, sir.
602
00:29:48,553 --> 00:29:50,590
Oh, good show.
603
00:29:50,755 --> 00:29:53,292
Oh, Jesus Christ, it's out.
604
00:29:53,458 --> 00:29:57,600
Okay? Now, look, DuPont,
you're a goddamn idiot. Okay?
605
00:29:57,762 --> 00:29:59,799
Look at me. You're a goddamn idiot.
606
00:29:59,964 --> 00:30:02,342
Remember what I showed you. Okay?
607
00:30:02,500 --> 00:30:06,972
Get on your toes like a ballerina,
and do tippy-toes. All right?
608
00:30:07,138 --> 00:30:10,176
Tippy-toes. Tippy-toes. Tippy-toes.
609
00:30:10,341 --> 00:30:13,015
This is you. Flat foot. Flat foot.
610
00:30:13,178 --> 00:30:16,626
- Sincerest apologies, sir.
- Can you believe these losers?
611
00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:17,885
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
612
00:30:18,082 --> 00:30:19,117
[CHUCKLES]
613
00:30:19,284 --> 00:30:21,196
I don't understand that.
614
00:30:21,352 --> 00:30:23,662
[CRYING AND PHONE BUZZING]
615
00:30:24,522 --> 00:30:28,026
Okay. Go get that.
What is it? What do you want?
616
00:30:28,193 --> 00:30:31,003
Mr. Masterson, this is Daniels in Security.
617
00:30:31,162 --> 00:30:33,301
Someone's trying to hack
through the firewall.
618
00:30:33,464 --> 00:30:35,671
Holy shit. You must be joking.
619
00:30:35,834 --> 00:30:37,973
- We'll take care of it, sir.
- No, no, no.
620
00:30:38,136 --> 00:30:39,137
You won't do anything.
621
00:30:39,304 --> 00:30:40,977
I've been wanting to test
a new countermeasure.
622
00:30:41,139 --> 00:30:44,484
This is the perfect opportunity.
623
00:30:44,642 --> 00:30:49,421
All right, Deadly Jester
and fistofsatan, you little pricks...
624
00:30:49,614 --> 00:30:56,156
...allow me to introduce you
to the Reverse Corkscrew 1.0.
625
00:30:56,721 --> 00:30:58,166
Enjoy.
626
00:31:01,326 --> 00:31:05,365
- The haiku's uploading as we speak.
- I gotta tell you, this is exciting.
627
00:31:05,530 --> 00:31:09,706
Exciting? We're revolutionaries, baby.
We're storming the cyber Bastille.
628
00:31:09,868 --> 00:31:11,905
The emperor has no clothes!
629
00:31:12,070 --> 00:31:16,519
No, not only is he nude, he's about
to receive a swift kick to the...
630
00:31:16,674 --> 00:31:18,449
- Whoa, what's that? What's that?
- I don't know.
631
00:31:18,643 --> 00:31:19,678
[CLICKING]
632
00:31:19,844 --> 00:31:21,255
It's never made a sound like that before.
633
00:31:23,414 --> 00:31:25,189
Oh, God, no. No, no, no.
634
00:31:25,350 --> 00:31:27,523
Should we leave the house? What do we do?
635
00:31:27,685 --> 00:31:29,255
It's siphoning off my pornography.
636
00:31:29,420 --> 00:31:31,730
All my meticulously alphabetized pornography.
637
00:31:32,457 --> 00:31:35,370
Oh, it's already up to the L's.
638
00:31:35,526 --> 00:31:39,065
Oh, bad news, bad news.
No, no. Why did we do this?
639
00:31:39,264 --> 00:31:41,369
Aah! Aah. No.
640
00:31:44,769 --> 00:31:47,773
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING
AND COMPUTER POWERING DOWN]
641
00:31:56,381 --> 00:31:58,088
I think it's over.
642
00:32:00,184 --> 00:32:05,498
They... They sort of turned the tables
on us, huh? Heh. Flipped the script.
643
00:32:05,690 --> 00:32:07,397
Suck it, bitches.
644
00:32:07,592 --> 00:32:09,595
[MUSIC PLAYING]
645
00:32:11,229 --> 00:32:12,731
All right, all right.
646
00:32:12,897 --> 00:32:16,572
You want infamy, Mr. John Q. Public,
you perverted bastard...
647
00:32:16,734 --> 00:32:17,974
...we'll give you infamy.
648
00:32:27,111 --> 00:32:30,115
Go ahead. Open it.
649
00:32:36,654 --> 00:32:39,157
This is madness. They'll hurt you.
650
00:32:39,324 --> 00:32:42,499
Sure. Once I've badged
them into attacking me, it'll be a cinch.
651
00:32:42,660 --> 00:32:46,802
There's nothing cops hate more
than stinking, free-loving hippies.
652
00:32:46,965 --> 00:32:49,445
- What world are you living in?
- Hey, wait a minute.
653
00:32:49,600 --> 00:32:51,842
Didn't you say whatever it takes? You did.
654
00:32:52,003 --> 00:32:55,178
All right? Now, people love
police-brutality videos.
655
00:32:55,340 --> 00:32:59,618
They get really worked up over
easily digestible injustices. All right?
656
00:32:59,777 --> 00:33:02,121
The news is gonna play
this thing a million times.
657
00:33:02,280 --> 00:33:07,127
If you want a proper beating, you should
be portraying a graffiti artist or a rapper.
658
00:33:07,285 --> 00:33:08,730
Let's just focus. All right?
659
00:33:08,886 --> 00:33:11,059
When the bludgeoning begins,
I'll play possum.
660
00:33:11,255 --> 00:33:13,360
Once they think I've lost consciousness...
661
00:33:13,524 --> 00:33:15,333
...they'll lose interest and move on.
662
00:33:15,493 --> 00:33:17,370
That's when you drag me to the hospital.
663
00:33:17,528 --> 00:33:19,508
Oh, well, so long as there's a blueprint.
664
00:33:19,664 --> 00:33:22,804
Just get the golden footage, man. Okay?
I'm going in.
665
00:33:23,067 --> 00:33:26,571
[SINGING GIBBERISH]
666
00:33:26,804 --> 00:33:28,841
Oh, I'm flying, man-child.
667
00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:32,511
Flying high as a kite, man. Freedom!
668
00:33:32,677 --> 00:33:33,849
Hello, piggies.
669
00:33:34,012 --> 00:33:38,222
Ooh. Wait, wait, wait. Let me put that in
a language you can understand. Ready?
670
00:33:38,416 --> 00:33:40,896
Oink oink oinky oink!
671
00:33:41,052 --> 00:33:42,827
Ha, ha. Piggies.
672
00:33:42,987 --> 00:33:44,728
I'm gonna have to ask you to move along.
673
00:33:44,889 --> 00:33:47,893
Hey, don't try to stifle my free speech, man.
674
00:33:48,059 --> 00:33:50,062
Sir, please cease and desist.
675
00:33:50,228 --> 00:33:51,832
Ooh. Ooh, what? What are you gonna do?
676
00:33:51,996 --> 00:33:54,704
You gonna beat my brains in
with your big batons?
677
00:33:54,866 --> 00:33:58,746
Or should I say your big surrogate penises?
678
00:33:58,903 --> 00:34:01,509
That's enough of this.
I'm writing you up for littering.
679
00:34:01,672 --> 00:34:04,278
That's a $25 citation, young man.
680
00:34:04,442 --> 00:34:07,855
Hey, you know what? Screw off. I'm stoned.
681
00:34:08,446 --> 00:34:12,087
Oh. Wow. The sky's a cotton-candy rainbow.
682
00:34:12,583 --> 00:34:15,189
The sun's a bowl of lemonade.
683
00:34:15,353 --> 00:34:18,232
I can hear the grass grow.
684
00:34:18,389 --> 00:34:19,868
Get down from there, sir.
685
00:34:20,091 --> 00:34:21,434
[CAMERA BEEPS]
686
00:34:21,592 --> 00:34:23,128
- COP: Howdy.
- Hmm? What?
687
00:34:23,327 --> 00:34:25,830
Man, that's a heck of a nice camera, son.
688
00:34:26,130 --> 00:34:27,473
Oh, this? I, um...
689
00:34:27,632 --> 00:34:29,271
You mind if I take a look?
690
00:34:29,434 --> 00:34:31,277
Sure. Yeah. I guess.
691
00:34:31,436 --> 00:34:34,417
Oh, that is a fine piece of equipment.
692
00:34:34,572 --> 00:34:35,881
It's digital, right?
693
00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:37,451
Oh, that's right. Yes.
694
00:34:37,608 --> 00:34:39,781
Yeah. The wife and I are
thinking of buying one.
695
00:34:39,944 --> 00:34:43,551
This little baby would be perfect
for the family vacation. Wow.
696
00:34:43,714 --> 00:34:45,717
We're heading to Florida to see the in-laws.
697
00:34:45,883 --> 00:34:48,591
And every damn amusement park,
ha, ha, for the kids.
698
00:34:48,753 --> 00:34:50,756
- You got kids?
- Uh... Uh...
699
00:34:50,922 --> 00:34:52,060
None that I know of.
700
00:34:52,223 --> 00:34:53,600
[BOTH LAUGHING]
701
00:34:53,758 --> 00:34:55,965
Keep it that way, I tell you what.
702
00:34:56,127 --> 00:34:57,731
Yeah. They're great, but they're...
703
00:34:57,895 --> 00:34:59,238
- Boy, are they expensive.
- ELLIOT: Help!
704
00:34:59,397 --> 00:35:01,775
I know. I know. I have
friends that have children...
705
00:35:01,933 --> 00:35:03,606
...and they just say they eat.
706
00:35:03,768 --> 00:35:07,409
Yeah. They eat a lot. They eat a lot.
I got one that won't stop eating.
707
00:35:07,572 --> 00:35:09,916
This guy, he eats three hotdogs in a sitting.
708
00:35:10,074 --> 00:35:11,417
- He's 5 years old.
- My goodness.
709
00:35:11,576 --> 00:35:14,284
I film it all. I film it all.
I got some here on my phone.
710
00:35:14,445 --> 00:35:16,652
Let me see if I can look this up.
711
00:35:16,814 --> 00:35:18,157
JOHN: Yeah. That's pretty big.
712
00:35:18,316 --> 00:35:20,421
- That's a good-sized kid.
- COP: Yeah.
713
00:35:20,585 --> 00:35:21,620
[BOTH LAUGH]
714
00:35:21,786 --> 00:35:22,821
[ENGINE STARTS]
715
00:35:22,987 --> 00:35:24,694
Gotta run. Thanks, son. Terrific camera.
716
00:35:24,889 --> 00:35:27,495
Oh, no problem, officer. Hey, do me a favor:
717
00:35:27,658 --> 00:35:29,262
Have a great day. Okay?
718
00:35:29,427 --> 00:35:31,270
[ELLIOT GROANING]
719
00:35:31,462 --> 00:35:32,839
Elliot?
720
00:35:33,331 --> 00:35:35,971
ELLIOT: Are you sure you didn't
get any of it on camera?
721
00:35:36,134 --> 00:35:37,943
I'm sorry, Elliot. I really am.
722
00:35:38,102 --> 00:35:41,811
It's okay. Really. Between kicks, they
were mostly slapping with open hands.
723
00:35:41,973 --> 00:35:45,512
Oh, I just... I feel so awful.
I can't apologize enough.
724
00:35:45,676 --> 00:35:48,020
ELLIOT: It was more about humiliation
than anything else.
725
00:35:48,179 --> 00:35:53,060
Nothing 97 ounces of highly caffeinated
soda beverage can't put right.
726
00:35:58,156 --> 00:36:00,500
[WHISTLING]
727
00:36:00,725 --> 00:36:03,365
Halfway there.
728
00:36:27,185 --> 00:36:29,028
Okay. It's your turn to brainstorm.
729
00:36:29,387 --> 00:36:30,559
My brain's empty.
730
00:36:30,721 --> 00:36:34,760
Come on, mister 30-something.
We need a plan of action.
731
00:36:34,959 --> 00:36:36,598
An instant fame plan.
732
00:36:36,761 --> 00:36:40,607
JOHN: Yes. What will it take to hurdle us
headlong into the zeitgeist?
733
00:36:40,765 --> 00:36:44,178
Oh! Watch out. Nearly spilled my Treacle.
734
00:36:48,773 --> 00:36:53,279
I mean to say, please, excuse me, sir.
My fault entirely.
735
00:36:53,477 --> 00:36:55,582
[SOFTLY] Help me out here, Johnny.
The man's a lunatic.
736
00:36:55,780 --> 00:36:58,920
Uh, ahem. You dropped
your little wool hat, mister.
737
00:37:03,221 --> 00:37:06,066
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, my God. Psycho eyes. Yikes.
738
00:37:06,224 --> 00:37:08,932
Let's get out of here.
I'd hate to cross paths with him again.
739
00:37:09,093 --> 00:37:12,040
Well, let me tell you something.
That is never gonna happen.
740
00:37:12,196 --> 00:37:14,073
No, sir. It's pretty safe to say...
741
00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:17,407
...that that's the last
we're ever going to see of him.
742
00:37:19,303 --> 00:37:20,873
# We are Bloops
You are Bloops #
743
00:37:21,038 --> 00:37:22,984
# Shut up, we are Bloops #
744
00:37:23,140 --> 00:37:24,813
# Scooba-dooba-da
Bloop, bloop, bloop #
745
00:37:25,009 --> 00:37:26,716
# Shut up
We are Bloops #
746
00:37:26,877 --> 00:37:28,447
# We are Bloops
You are Bloops #
747
00:37:28,646 --> 00:37:31,957
More Bloops. Bloop you, motherblooper.
748
00:37:32,550 --> 00:37:33,654
# Shut up
We are Bloops #
749
00:37:34,018 --> 00:37:36,396
Look at that poor bastard.
750
00:37:36,554 --> 00:37:38,397
# Shut up, we are Bloops #
751
00:37:38,556 --> 00:37:40,058
# Scooba-dooba-da
Bloop, bloop, bloop #
752
00:37:40,224 --> 00:37:41,965
# Shut up
We are Bloops #
753
00:37:42,126 --> 00:37:43,765
# We are Bloops
You are Bloops #
754
00:37:43,928 --> 00:37:45,082
# Shut up, we are... ##
755
00:37:45,162 --> 00:37:46,232
[MUSIC PLAYING]
756
00:37:46,397 --> 00:37:49,071
ELLIOT: Gotta be famous.
Here we go. What do we do?
757
00:37:49,233 --> 00:37:53,147
What does one do? Let's see. Let's see.
Fame and glory is what we seek.
758
00:37:53,304 --> 00:37:57,446
Famousness, fame-tasticness, fame-ocity.
759
00:37:57,608 --> 00:37:58,985
I got nothing here.
760
00:37:59,777 --> 00:38:01,086
Desperation.
761
00:38:01,245 --> 00:38:02,280
[BOTTLES CLATTERING]
762
00:38:02,446 --> 00:38:04,085
Huh? What? Sorry. What did you say?
763
00:38:04,248 --> 00:38:09,163
Desperation. I've known desperation
for as long as I can remember.
764
00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:11,357
I always thought it was a bad thing.
765
00:38:11,555 --> 00:38:12,590
Isn't it?
766
00:38:12,757 --> 00:38:18,002
I've got the solution to
all of our problems right up here.
767
00:38:18,162 --> 00:38:20,108
Plenty of great men built their lives...
768
00:38:20,264 --> 00:38:22,642
...on foundations of courage
and noble intentions.
769
00:38:22,800 --> 00:38:27,340
But how many more success stories,
truly American success stories...
770
00:38:27,505 --> 00:38:31,180
- ...grew out of pure blind desperation?
- What are you getting at?
771
00:38:31,342 --> 00:38:34,323
What I'm getting at
requires we stop thinking small-time.
772
00:38:34,478 --> 00:38:36,788
Yeah. Okay. Sounds good. So...?
773
00:38:36,947 --> 00:38:39,621
You do know what I'm getting at, don't you?
774
00:38:40,117 --> 00:38:41,892
Well, um... Uh...
775
00:38:42,119 --> 00:38:45,567
Yeah. Yeah. You're way ahead of me. Oh-ho-ho.
776
00:38:45,723 --> 00:38:47,566
You know exactly what I'm gonna say.
777
00:38:47,725 --> 00:38:49,500
Okay. Yeah.
778
00:38:49,660 --> 00:38:51,469
Yeah. I think...
779
00:38:51,629 --> 00:38:55,475
You and me. Come on, buddy.
Say it with me. Come on. Say it with me.
780
00:38:55,633 --> 00:38:57,135
- We...
- We...
781
00:38:58,002 --> 00:38:59,140
Go on.
782
00:38:59,303 --> 00:39:01,146
Go on... Uh...
783
00:39:01,906 --> 00:39:04,011
Yes. Uh...
784
00:39:04,208 --> 00:39:07,519
- We go on...
- Go on... Ha-ha-ha.
785
00:39:07,678 --> 00:39:10,056
- ...a murder spree.
- Whoa, what?
786
00:39:10,214 --> 00:39:12,751
- A murder spree.
- Wait. What did you say?
787
00:39:12,917 --> 00:39:16,695
A killing rampage. Now, listen,
I know it sounds fairly extreme.
788
00:39:16,854 --> 00:39:18,857
- Fairly extreme?
- Hear me out.
789
00:39:19,023 --> 00:39:20,161
The idea would be...
790
00:39:20,324 --> 00:39:24,102
...what we would do,
is we would kill a couple of people...
791
00:39:24,261 --> 00:39:27,436
...a handful at most. Not many.
Preferably strangers.
792
00:39:27,631 --> 00:39:30,111
And the toughest part
will be us surrendering alive.
793
00:39:30,267 --> 00:39:31,439
ELLIOT:
Um...
794
00:39:31,669 --> 00:39:35,208
And no suicide pact either.
That's just plain shortsighted.
795
00:39:35,373 --> 00:39:37,285
I don't know. Johnny, for one thing...
796
00:39:37,441 --> 00:39:40,445
...whatever happened to us avoiding
significant jail time? Remember?
797
00:39:40,644 --> 00:39:42,886
We'd end up instantly famous
across the board.
798
00:39:43,047 --> 00:39:45,550
I'm talking guaranteed worldwide fame.
799
00:39:45,716 --> 00:39:48,390
Fame like we haven't even begun to imagine.
800
00:39:48,552 --> 00:39:50,691
- ELLIOT: However...
- This is our chance.
801
00:39:50,855 --> 00:39:52,129
It's just...
802
00:39:52,289 --> 00:39:54,030
Our only chance.
803
00:39:54,191 --> 00:39:58,697
I'm not quite sure you're thinking this
all the way through.
804
00:39:58,863 --> 00:40:02,311
We made a pact that we were
going to get famous today.
805
00:40:02,466 --> 00:40:03,604
Didn't we?
806
00:40:03,768 --> 00:40:05,247
- Didn't we?
- Did we?
807
00:40:05,403 --> 00:40:10,409
And for once in my stupid, miserable,
Iosing life, I'm not waiting until tomorrow.
808
00:40:10,574 --> 00:40:13,487
That's what I'd normally do,
but not this time. No.
809
00:40:13,911 --> 00:40:16,391
This'll put us on all
the evening-news programs.
810
00:40:16,714 --> 00:40:19,217
There'll be books, even movies,
about our lives.
811
00:40:19,383 --> 00:40:23,161
Our names will be household words.
Women will talk to us.
812
00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:26,597
We'll finally be somebodies. So, come on.
813
00:40:26,924 --> 00:40:28,836
You're with me.
814
00:40:28,993 --> 00:40:30,563
Aren't you?
815
00:40:31,262 --> 00:40:32,764
Don't leave me hanging, Elliot.
816
00:40:32,930 --> 00:40:37,242
You and me, through thick and thin,
our handshake is our bond.
817
00:40:37,435 --> 00:40:39,438
[MUSIC PLAYING]
818
00:40:58,289 --> 00:41:00,929
I'm sorry, buddy. I just...
819
00:41:01,091 --> 00:41:04,300
I don't think so. I... I can't. It's just...
820
00:41:04,462 --> 00:41:07,375
I don't know if I've got the...
821
00:41:08,032 --> 00:41:09,602
The killer instinct.
822
00:41:09,767 --> 00:41:11,371
Yeah. No. I...
823
00:41:11,535 --> 00:41:12,844
No, I understand.
824
00:41:13,003 --> 00:41:14,642
I wish I did.
825
00:41:14,805 --> 00:41:17,684
No, hey, it's... It's fine.
826
00:41:17,842 --> 00:41:20,288
Actually, it's no problem.
827
00:41:20,978 --> 00:41:23,618
Well, maybe I should, uh...
828
00:41:24,148 --> 00:41:26,628
I should probably...
829
00:41:26,784 --> 00:41:27,956
...go get started.
830
00:41:28,452 --> 00:41:31,661
Sure. Sure. Probably.
831
00:41:31,956 --> 00:41:36,803
Uh, good luck with the murdering
and everything.
832
00:41:37,194 --> 00:41:38,332
Thanks.
833
00:41:38,529 --> 00:41:39,974
Um, I'll...
834
00:41:40,130 --> 00:41:41,200
I'll be seeing you.
835
00:41:41,365 --> 00:41:43,368
[MUSIC PLAYING]
836
00:41:46,670 --> 00:41:49,879
# Why do you have to go #
837
00:41:51,542 --> 00:41:57,220
# And leave me here to die #
838
00:41:57,381 --> 00:42:02,763
# 'Cause you had me at hello #
839
00:42:02,920 --> 00:42:06,891
# Then you killed me #
840
00:42:07,057 --> 00:42:10,835
# You killed me at goodbye #
841
00:42:11,729 --> 00:42:14,767
# Ah, ah #
842
00:42:14,932 --> 00:42:18,072
# Yeah, you killed me #
843
00:42:18,235 --> 00:42:23,514
# You killed me at goodbye ##
844
00:42:26,744 --> 00:42:28,747
[MUSIC PLAYING]
845
00:42:37,254 --> 00:42:39,894
John, wait.
846
00:42:40,057 --> 00:42:41,229
I can't let you do this.
847
00:42:42,593 --> 00:42:44,800
By yourself.
848
00:42:44,962 --> 00:42:48,774
I couldn't do it, buddy. I couldn't let you
go on a killing spree all alone.
849
00:42:48,933 --> 00:42:50,776
I knew I could count on you.
850
00:42:50,935 --> 00:42:52,778
I knew it.
851
00:42:53,137 --> 00:42:55,117
It would've been meaningless without you.
852
00:42:55,272 --> 00:42:58,253
It's just, I'm afraid I'll screw it up.
853
00:42:58,409 --> 00:43:01,879
You know, I don't know if I can do it.
I don't know if I've got it in me.
854
00:43:02,046 --> 00:43:04,151
Hey, what, you don't think I'm scared too?
855
00:43:04,348 --> 00:43:06,055
Look at me.
856
00:43:06,383 --> 00:43:07,953
I'm just as scared as you are.
857
00:43:08,385 --> 00:43:09,921
- Really?
- Of course I am.
858
00:43:10,087 --> 00:43:13,159
What am I, a professional? Come on.
859
00:43:13,357 --> 00:43:16,566
The murdering's not gonna be easy,
but we'll figure it out.
860
00:43:17,094 --> 00:43:18,937
Together. Huh...
861
00:43:19,263 --> 00:43:21,175
- Good enough. Let's go kill people.
- Okay.
862
00:43:32,576 --> 00:43:34,579
- How may I help you, young man?
- Uh...
863
00:43:34,945 --> 00:43:35,980
Oh, yes.
864
00:43:36,146 --> 00:43:38,353
I need some chloroform.
865
00:43:38,515 --> 00:43:40,654
- Did you say "chloroform"?
- Yes.
866
00:43:40,818 --> 00:43:43,993
Chloroform is a very powerful anesthetic,
you know that?
867
00:43:44,154 --> 00:43:47,033
I also need some heavy gauze pads.
868
00:43:47,191 --> 00:43:50,331
A little larger than my hand, I'd say.
869
00:43:50,494 --> 00:43:52,838
There's a mandatory
five-day waiting period...
870
00:43:52,997 --> 00:43:55,842
...and background check for
the purchase of chloroform.
871
00:43:56,000 --> 00:44:00,506
- Seriously, there's a... Five days?
- Mm-hm. I'm afraid so.
872
00:44:00,671 --> 00:44:03,345
Damn it. I was kind of
counting on getting it now.
873
00:44:03,507 --> 00:44:06,283
- See, we really, really need it today.
- Ha-ha-ha.
874
00:44:06,443 --> 00:44:10,016
I'm sorry. I do that all the time.
I'm sorry. The look on your face.
875
00:44:10,180 --> 00:44:11,489
I do apologize.
876
00:44:11,649 --> 00:44:15,722
- There's no waiting period for chloroform.
- Oh. Ha-ha-ha.
877
00:44:15,919 --> 00:44:17,330
Okay. So, uh...
878
00:44:17,488 --> 00:44:18,899
Well, great. All right.
879
00:44:19,056 --> 00:44:22,504
Comes in half or full-gallon jug.
I suggest the full gallon, price break.
880
00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:25,300
Oh, then full gallon it is.
881
00:44:25,729 --> 00:44:27,368
And the gauze pads.
882
00:44:27,564 --> 00:44:28,804
[MUSIC PLAYING]
883
00:44:28,966 --> 00:44:32,141
- What are we back here for?
- Follow me. You'll see.
884
00:44:32,302 --> 00:44:33,337
[BEEPS]
885
00:44:36,040 --> 00:44:39,544
The Royal We is in his office.
886
00:44:40,844 --> 00:44:41,982
ELLIOT: Mm-hm.
887
00:44:42,146 --> 00:44:44,149
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE]
888
00:44:45,015 --> 00:44:47,325
THE KING: Ah, yeah.
889
00:44:47,484 --> 00:44:48,690
Yeah.
890
00:44:48,852 --> 00:44:50,229
Up, up, and away.
891
00:44:50,387 --> 00:44:51,730
[IMITATES LASER FIRING]
892
00:44:51,955 --> 00:44:56,563
This cape is looking good.
Cape is looking good. Cape is...
893
00:44:56,727 --> 00:44:58,730
- Hello.
- Hey, what a... Hey.
894
00:44:58,896 --> 00:45:00,341
Forgot to lock the door again.
895
00:45:00,497 --> 00:45:01,737
It's all right.
896
00:45:01,899 --> 00:45:03,401
I'm surprised you're back.
897
00:45:03,567 --> 00:45:05,604
Couldn't resist the enema video, huh?
898
00:45:05,769 --> 00:45:07,840
There's no time, so I'll come out with it.
899
00:45:08,005 --> 00:45:12,750
John and I need to get
ahold of a copy of Video X-V.
900
00:45:14,912 --> 00:45:19,088
What? What do you think you're doing?
I said never speak of that item. Never.
901
00:45:19,249 --> 00:45:20,284
I'm sorry.
902
00:45:20,484 --> 00:45:24,956
For your own safety, I can't really
explain why, but it's just very important.
903
00:45:25,122 --> 00:45:30,231
Important? You were sworn to secrecy,
you filthy motherfucker.
904
00:45:30,494 --> 00:45:33,703
- Um, I... I don't understand.
- Let me tell him.
905
00:45:34,698 --> 00:45:38,077
Please, it's just us three.
You know that John can be trusted.
906
00:45:39,903 --> 00:45:45,649
John, Video X-V is the holy grail
of underground videos.
907
00:45:45,809 --> 00:45:51,885
Those few who've heard rumor of it
speak of it only in whispers.
908
00:45:54,451 --> 00:45:59,457
It's the king's magnum opus, although
he's the only one who's ever seen it.
909
00:45:59,623 --> 00:46:03,127
- Because it's not ready.
- You've been editing it for eight years.
910
00:46:03,293 --> 00:46:05,933
It's incomplete, flawed, a work in progress.
911
00:46:06,096 --> 00:46:08,941
And you're a perfectionist,
we understand that, but maybe...
912
00:46:09,099 --> 00:46:11,409
...just maybe, it's time for you to let go.
913
00:46:11,568 --> 00:46:12,979
No.
914
00:46:13,137 --> 00:46:14,810
JOHN: I still have no idea
what you're talking about.
915
00:46:14,972 --> 00:46:19,478
Just... What could it hurt
if we were to borrow a copy?
916
00:46:19,643 --> 00:46:21,145
Just for tonight.
917
00:46:21,311 --> 00:46:23,917
Please, if there's anyone, anyone...
918
00:46:24,081 --> 00:46:29,156
...on this disgusting wet ball
of excrement circling the sun...
919
00:46:29,319 --> 00:46:31,322
...who could appreciate your masterwork...
920
00:46:31,488 --> 00:46:33,991
...oh, king of the nebbishes...
921
00:46:34,158 --> 00:46:39,107
...I avert my gaze, and bow my head
when I say that it is us...
922
00:46:39,263 --> 00:46:43,712
...fellow undeserving nincompoops.
923
00:46:47,437 --> 00:46:52,443
ELLIOT: X-V. Extreme violence. Pure genius.
924
00:46:52,609 --> 00:46:53,986
But surprisingly simple.
925
00:46:55,879 --> 00:46:58,359
A collection of any and all
of the most violent...
926
00:46:58,515 --> 00:47:02,861
...R- and NC-17-rated movie moments,
not scenes, mind you, moments.
927
00:47:03,020 --> 00:47:06,661
Edited together, non-stop.
Nothing else. Only the best parts.
928
00:47:07,157 --> 00:47:09,137
Shootings, stabbings, gougings,
dismemberments...
929
00:47:09,293 --> 00:47:13,002
...crocodile and zombie attacks. You
name it, if it's reprehensible, it's here.
930
00:47:13,163 --> 00:47:17,043
Holy fuck. Watching it would be like
exposing yourself to years and years...
931
00:47:17,201 --> 00:47:20,205
...of the most gratuitous violence
Hollywood has to offer.
932
00:47:20,370 --> 00:47:22,145
- All in one sitting.
- Exactly.
933
00:47:22,306 --> 00:47:23,580
For the aspiring murderer...
934
00:47:23,740 --> 00:47:25,982
- ...it's what the doctor ordered.
- It's perfect.
935
00:47:26,143 --> 00:47:28,680
Everyone knows that
violent movies and video games...
936
00:47:28,846 --> 00:47:32,191
...are the direct cause of so many
of today's societal problems.
937
00:47:32,349 --> 00:47:34,488
Are we ready for this?
938
00:47:34,651 --> 00:47:36,392
Could we ever truly be ready?
939
00:47:44,428 --> 00:47:46,431
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
940
00:48:57,134 --> 00:48:58,636
[DOORBELL RINGS]
941
00:49:06,643 --> 00:49:10,648
Oh, my. Hello, boys.
942
00:49:10,814 --> 00:49:12,316
What brings you here?
943
00:49:17,287 --> 00:49:19,290
Help yourselves.
944
00:49:19,456 --> 00:49:21,959
Make yourselves at home.
945
00:49:23,860 --> 00:49:25,931
Right. Yeah. No. This is good. This is good.
946
00:49:26,096 --> 00:49:28,167
We'll be comfortable
starting with someone we know.
947
00:49:28,332 --> 00:49:30,005
I'm feeling pretty confident.
948
00:49:30,167 --> 00:49:33,478
So after her, we'll ease into the spree.
You know?
949
00:49:33,637 --> 00:49:37,050
Branching out into random killings
that'll leave the authorities baffled.
950
00:49:37,240 --> 00:49:38,617
You're the boss.
951
00:49:38,775 --> 00:49:43,520
It certainly is a delightful diversion
having company for a change.
952
00:49:43,680 --> 00:49:46,786
- Eh, thought we'd drop by.
- We're just being neighborly.
953
00:49:46,950 --> 00:49:50,659
I admit, it can be lonely
ever since Charles died.
954
00:49:51,521 --> 00:49:54,730
There must be, like, times when...
955
00:49:54,891 --> 00:49:59,340
...you get so lonesome, sometimes,
you might even wish you were...
956
00:50:00,364 --> 00:50:01,866
...with him, right?
957
00:50:02,032 --> 00:50:06,071
Oh, heavens, heh, don't be morbid. Heh, heh.
958
00:50:06,269 --> 00:50:11,048
What he means is it must be comforting
to imagine that when you finally do...
959
00:50:11,208 --> 00:50:12,346
...pass on...
960
00:50:12,509 --> 00:50:15,547
...your husband will be waiting
to greet you at the pearly gates.
961
00:50:15,712 --> 00:50:21,492
Well, please don't misunderstand,
I did care dearly for my Charles...
962
00:50:21,651 --> 00:50:26,100
...and kept my vow, but he was
an angry and spiteful man...
963
00:50:26,289 --> 00:50:28,326
...and I'm fairly certain he's in hell.
964
00:50:29,826 --> 00:50:31,738
- BOTH: Aah!
- MRS. McCULLERS: Will you care...
965
00:50:31,895 --> 00:50:33,534
...to cut the cake, Elliot?
966
00:50:33,730 --> 00:50:34,868
[MUSIC PLAYING]
967
00:50:35,032 --> 00:50:39,879
Oh, I think maybe John should cut this cake.
968
00:50:41,038 --> 00:50:43,075
JOHN: She asked you to do it.
969
00:50:43,807 --> 00:50:45,218
[MOUTHS]
You.
970
00:50:46,410 --> 00:50:50,290
Yes, but you're the one with the sweet tooth.
971
00:50:50,447 --> 00:50:54,862
So you go right ahead,
and I'll cut the next cake.
972
00:50:56,186 --> 00:51:00,794
Fine, then. No problem. I'll sh...
I'll cut the... I'll cut the damn cake.
973
00:51:00,957 --> 00:51:03,062
It's easy. I'll show you. It's no big whoop.
974
00:51:03,226 --> 00:51:05,832
Especially if you do it quickly
and get it over with.
975
00:51:06,029 --> 00:51:07,941
[MUSIC PLAYING]
976
00:51:11,768 --> 00:51:14,772
MRS. McCULLERS: Who wants elderberry tea?
977
00:52:10,961 --> 00:52:12,804
- Hey, uh...
- This is crazy.
978
00:52:12,963 --> 00:52:14,909
We can't do this. We're not murderers.
979
00:52:15,098 --> 00:52:17,203
- Uh... Guess not.
- No matter how much we try...
980
00:52:17,400 --> 00:52:19,312
...to psych ourselves up,
we haven't got the instinct.
981
00:52:19,469 --> 00:52:22,973
We know right from wrong.
We know what guilt is, and remorse...
982
00:52:23,140 --> 00:52:26,019
- ...and the worth of a human life.
- Whew. Well spoken. Absolutely.
983
00:52:26,176 --> 00:52:28,782
- I mean, really, what were we thinking?
- I blame myself.
984
00:52:28,945 --> 00:52:31,152
You know, I'm the one that
talked you into this.
985
00:52:31,314 --> 00:52:35,023
- No, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes, I did.
986
00:52:35,185 --> 00:52:38,132
Your heart wasn't in it from the start,
but, oh, I wouldn't listen.
987
00:52:38,288 --> 00:52:42,134
Okay. You're too hard on yourself. All that
counts is you realize you were wrong...
988
00:52:42,292 --> 00:52:43,737
...so let's get out of here.
989
00:52:43,927 --> 00:52:46,999
You're right. You're right.
990
00:52:47,164 --> 00:52:49,576
Let's thank Mrs. McCullers,
and we'll be on our way.
991
00:52:49,733 --> 00:52:52,475
But...? But why...?
Why bother her any further?
992
00:52:52,636 --> 00:52:55,139
We can't leave without saying goodbye.
That would be rude.
993
00:52:55,305 --> 00:52:56,875
A minute ago we were gonna kill her.
994
00:52:57,040 --> 00:53:00,510
Letting her live seems like
a huge leap up the politeness scale.
995
00:53:00,677 --> 00:53:02,657
- All the same.
- John, wait.
996
00:53:03,146 --> 00:53:04,853
[MUSIC PLAYING]
997
00:53:05,015 --> 00:53:07,359
Oh, my God. What have you done?
998
00:53:07,517 --> 00:53:09,997
- I only wanted you to be proud of me.
- Proud?
999
00:53:10,153 --> 00:53:12,497
- It was the peer pressure.
- You murderer.
1000
00:53:12,656 --> 00:53:14,761
- No.
- Oh, my God, you're a murderer!
1001
00:53:14,958 --> 00:53:17,666
- John.
- No, no. You... You keep away from me.
1002
00:53:17,827 --> 00:53:19,033
No, please, listen.
1003
00:53:19,196 --> 00:53:22,234
Hey, think of all the good times
we've had, buddy. You know?
1004
00:53:22,399 --> 00:53:24,845
All the laughs?
You know, you don't have to kill me.
1005
00:53:25,001 --> 00:53:27,208
I'm not gonna tell.
I promise. I swear to you.
1006
00:53:27,370 --> 00:53:30,374
I didn't kill her. I didn't kill her.
Okay? I didn't kill her.
1007
00:53:30,740 --> 00:53:32,982
I knocked her out is all.
I used one of our...
1008
00:53:33,376 --> 00:53:35,481
...pre-moistened chloroform pads.
1009
00:53:36,680 --> 00:53:38,250
I wanted so badly to impress you.
1010
00:53:38,415 --> 00:53:41,624
To show you I could get things started.
I got a little over-eager.
1011
00:53:41,785 --> 00:53:45,392
- She's alive?
- Yes. Yes, she's... Oh, she's resting.
1012
00:53:45,555 --> 00:53:47,865
It's like she's taking a nap.
1013
00:53:48,024 --> 00:53:49,867
Mrs. McCullers?
1014
00:53:50,427 --> 00:53:52,066
Mrs. McCullers!
1015
00:53:52,729 --> 00:53:55,904
JOHN: Dear Mrs. McCullers,
Mrs. McCullers... Ahem.
1016
00:53:56,066 --> 00:53:57,705
"Dear Mrs. McCullers...
1017
00:53:57,867 --> 00:53:59,437
...thank you for your hospitality.
1018
00:53:59,603 --> 00:54:03,051
I hope you weren't offended when we
refused to play your drinking game.
1019
00:54:03,206 --> 00:54:05,880
Once you passed out,
we placed you in this chair...
1020
00:54:06,042 --> 00:54:07,885
...to prevent you from choking on your vomit.
1021
00:54:08,044 --> 00:54:09,546
Sincerely, John and Elliot."
1022
00:54:09,713 --> 00:54:11,886
- Perfect.
- Yes.
1023
00:54:12,048 --> 00:54:14,585
It only requires she somehow
have no recollection...
1024
00:54:14,751 --> 00:54:17,231
...of you smothering her
into unconsciousness.
1025
00:54:17,387 --> 00:54:19,094
Other than that, perfect.
1026
00:54:19,256 --> 00:54:20,895
Look what we're reduced to.
1027
00:54:21,057 --> 00:54:24,436
Are we willing to go to any lengths
to fulfill our selfish desires?
1028
00:54:24,594 --> 00:54:25,903
ELLIOT: It certainly appears so.
1029
00:54:26,062 --> 00:54:28,474
Look how we treated this kind,
goodhearted woman.
1030
00:54:28,632 --> 00:54:31,772
She lavishes baked goods upon us,
and how do we repay her?
1031
00:54:32,402 --> 00:54:34,439
We're lucky. This is a wakeup call.
1032
00:54:34,604 --> 00:54:36,914
Because maybe getting
what you want at any cost...
1033
00:54:37,073 --> 00:54:40,282
...maybe that doesn't make you
a success. Maybe just the opposite.
1034
00:54:40,443 --> 00:54:43,481
Is there really any worth
to something if you don't earn it?
1035
00:54:43,647 --> 00:54:45,024
- John.
- If you treat people...
1036
00:54:45,181 --> 00:54:46,990
...Iike dirt to be trampled underfoot.
1037
00:54:47,150 --> 00:54:49,426
- John, look. We're on TV.
- Say what now?
1038
00:54:49,586 --> 00:54:51,759
- ELLIOT: That's us.
- Turn it up.
1039
00:54:51,921 --> 00:54:56,302
MAN: ...
two mystery witnesses exiting
the Los Feliz convenience store.
1040
00:54:56,459 --> 00:54:58,666
Moments later, the same camera captured...
1041
00:54:58,828 --> 00:55:00,671
...this image of the alleged criminal.
1042
00:55:00,830 --> 00:55:05,142
Anyone with information is asked
to contact the L.A.P.D. immediately.
1043
00:55:05,302 --> 00:55:07,839
And so the question on everyone's lips:
1044
00:55:08,004 --> 00:55:11,577
Who are the mystery witnesses?
1045
00:55:13,343 --> 00:55:14,822
- Donna.
- We'll be right back...
1046
00:55:14,978 --> 00:55:19,120
...with the local scientist who claims the
Loch Ness monster is here in America.
1047
00:55:19,282 --> 00:55:20,317
We're the...
1048
00:55:20,483 --> 00:55:22,190
We're the mystery witnesses.
1049
00:55:22,352 --> 00:55:25,891
We're the mystery witnesses.
We're the... We're the mystery witnesses.
1050
00:55:26,089 --> 00:55:29,696
BOTH: We're the mystery witnesses.
We're the mystery witnesses.
1051
00:55:30,293 --> 00:55:31,863
[LAUGHING]
1052
00:55:32,095 --> 00:55:35,372
BOTH: We're the mystery witnesses.
1053
00:55:35,532 --> 00:55:36,533
ELLIOT: Whoo!
1054
00:55:36,700 --> 00:55:39,875
BOTH [IN SINGSONG VOICE]:
We're the mystery witnesses.
1055
00:55:40,036 --> 00:55:43,484
We're the mystery witnesses.
1056
00:55:43,640 --> 00:55:47,213
We're the mystery witnesses.
1057
00:55:47,377 --> 00:55:51,325
We're the mystery witnesses.
1058
00:55:51,481 --> 00:55:54,985
We're the mystery witnesses.
1059
00:55:55,618 --> 00:55:59,122
We're the mystery witnesses.
1060
00:55:59,556 --> 00:56:03,504
We're the mystery witnesses.
1061
00:56:05,328 --> 00:56:07,740
MR. KELLY: So a fat guy comes in.
1062
00:56:07,897 --> 00:56:09,433
Real fat guy.
1063
00:56:09,632 --> 00:56:10,941
He comes in the store.
1064
00:56:11,134 --> 00:56:14,673
I know we got nothing his size.
You know what I said?
1065
00:56:14,838 --> 00:56:17,341
Too fat. I mean, it's just too fat to be...
1066
00:56:17,507 --> 00:56:21,080
Sometimes, it's just too fat,
and I don't wanna deal with it.
1067
00:56:21,244 --> 00:56:23,417
- And I'm not gonna.
- No way.
1068
00:56:23,580 --> 00:56:26,083
- No way... No way.
- Mr. Kelly, you're so wicked.
1069
00:56:26,249 --> 00:56:30,425
- How fat was he?
- Believe it or not, I used to be fat.
1070
00:56:30,587 --> 00:56:35,434
I was. I used to... I used to have a weight
problem, so watch out, or you'll be fat.
1071
00:56:35,592 --> 00:56:39,973
- That's what I'm saying.
- Ha-ha-ha. That's a good one, Mr. Kelly.
1072
00:56:40,930 --> 00:56:43,137
- What is going on up there?
- MAN [ON TV]:
Good evening.
1073
00:56:43,299 --> 00:56:47,406
We are interrupting our 7:00 news hour
to bring you even more important news.
1074
00:56:47,570 --> 00:56:48,913
- Cathy.
- Yes, Greg.
1075
00:56:49,072 --> 00:56:51,917
I'm standing here with two men
who have come to the station...
1076
00:56:52,075 --> 00:56:54,385
...claiming they are the mystery witnesses.
1077
00:56:54,544 --> 00:56:58,890
Oh, we are the mystery witnesses, Cathy.
Believe you me. Heh, heh.
1078
00:56:59,082 --> 00:57:01,119
I'm John Truman...
1079
00:57:01,284 --> 00:57:04,788
...and this is Elliot Alexander.
1080
00:57:04,954 --> 00:57:08,129
You may not recognize us
because we were in disguise earlier.
1081
00:57:08,558 --> 00:57:09,628
[GASPS]
1082
00:57:09,793 --> 00:57:12,399
Elliot told me they were gonna
get some attention today.
1083
00:57:12,562 --> 00:57:14,132
What? He wasn't kidding.
1084
00:57:14,297 --> 00:57:17,574
Can you explain for our viewers
why you were disguised as hippies?
1085
00:57:17,734 --> 00:57:20,806
ELLIOT:
Well, that's... That's a long story.
1086
00:57:20,970 --> 00:57:22,074
- Donahue.
- What?
1087
00:57:22,238 --> 00:57:23,308
Better get in here.
1088
00:57:23,473 --> 00:57:26,921
- Can you walk us through the incident?
- We were leaving the store...
1089
00:57:27,076 --> 00:57:30,922
- ...and this big redheaded jerk...
- It's the mystery witnesses.
1090
00:57:31,080 --> 00:57:35,995
...just pushes past me, and spills my
97-ouncer, so I say... Remember, John?
1091
00:57:36,152 --> 00:57:41,363
I go, "Pardon me, you big ape,
but I believe you owe me an apology."
1092
00:57:41,524 --> 00:57:44,266
We're really on TV right now, right?
1093
00:57:44,427 --> 00:57:46,873
- Hello, everybody out there in TV land.
- Hi.
1094
00:57:47,030 --> 00:57:49,772
- ELLIOT:
Elliot and John in the tiz-ouse.
- Oh, my goodness.
1095
00:57:49,933 --> 00:57:51,640
- Oh, do the British accent thing.
- Ahem.
1096
00:57:51,801 --> 00:57:54,680
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Well, it's
wonderful to be here on your television.
1097
00:57:54,838 --> 00:57:57,318
[IN NORMAL VOICE]:
By the way,
we never did hear, what did we witness?
1098
00:57:57,474 --> 00:58:00,182
The suspect in police custody is accused...
1099
00:58:00,343 --> 00:58:04,189
- ...of armed robbery.
- [IN BRITISH ACCENT] Not too shabby.
1100
00:58:04,347 --> 00:58:08,193
Yes, by the way,
Cathy, did I mention that I am an actor?
1101
00:58:08,351 --> 00:58:11,332
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Yes, he is, and I am a screenwriter.
1102
00:58:11,488 --> 00:58:12,865
[CHUCKLES]
1103
00:58:13,022 --> 00:58:16,731
Um, we'll be back with more
of our exclusive interview...
1104
00:58:16,893 --> 00:58:19,135
...with the mystery witnesses after this.
1105
00:58:19,295 --> 00:58:22,367
Linda, Sally, don't you know
those two guys right there?
1106
00:58:23,132 --> 00:58:25,135
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
1107
00:58:25,301 --> 00:58:28,874
Oh, my God. Yeah. We totally know them.
Elliot and Jim, I totally remembered.
1108
00:58:29,038 --> 00:58:32,042
Yeah. Of course we know them
because they are our boyfriends.
1109
00:58:32,208 --> 00:58:36,054
- Those are your boyfriends?
- What? They're your boyfriends?
1110
00:58:36,212 --> 00:58:37,657
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Our boyfriends.
1111
00:58:38,047 --> 00:58:40,084
Those guys are our boyfriends.
1112
00:58:40,984 --> 00:58:43,089
They're totally our boyfriends.
1113
00:58:43,520 --> 00:58:45,523
Yeah. Our boyfriends.
1114
00:58:45,688 --> 00:58:47,327
- Our boyfriends.
- Boyfriends.
1115
00:58:47,490 --> 00:58:49,493
[IN DISTORTED VOICE]
Our boyfriends are on TV.
1116
00:58:49,692 --> 00:58:51,695
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1117
00:59:07,010 --> 00:59:11,186
DONAHUE: As near as we can figure,
at 4:47 p.m. this afternoon...
1118
00:59:11,347 --> 00:59:15,125
...Mickey "The Redhead" Barns entered
the Extreme Shop on Franklin Avenue...
1119
00:59:15,318 --> 00:59:17,264
...ate a soft pretzel, shot the clerk...
1120
00:59:17,420 --> 00:59:20,959
...and emptied the cash register.
Although not in that order.
1121
00:59:21,124 --> 00:59:23,866
Hey, say, do you think
they could turn on their siren?
1122
00:59:24,027 --> 00:59:28,203
DONAHUE: I'm not certain you two grasp
the seriousness of this situation.
1123
00:59:28,364 --> 00:59:29,638
Oh, no, we grasp it, sir.
1124
00:59:29,832 --> 00:59:32,244
We couldn't be grasping it
more than we already are.
1125
00:59:32,402 --> 00:59:35,474
DONAHUE:
Mickey Barns is
the third cousin of Charlie O'Petrovich...
1126
00:59:35,638 --> 00:59:38,710
...the head of Cleveland's ironfisted
Russian-Irish syndicate.
1127
00:59:38,875 --> 00:59:39,945
Cleveland?
1128
00:59:40,109 --> 00:59:44,251
They may not get the kind of publicity
the larger, popular crime syndicates do...
1129
00:59:44,414 --> 00:59:46,951
...but the O'Petrovich family
is nothing to sneeze at.
1130
00:59:47,116 --> 00:59:50,723
Anyone who's crossed them has been
found beheaded, if found at all.
1131
00:59:51,220 --> 00:59:55,134
Really? Well, that's...
That's not good because...
1132
00:59:55,291 --> 00:59:57,635
...once the head's off
even for a split second...
1133
00:59:57,794 --> 00:59:59,637
...it's almost always fatal.
1134
00:59:59,862 --> 01:00:01,865
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1135
01:00:08,938 --> 01:00:10,941
[FLY BUZZING]
1136
01:00:11,641 --> 01:00:13,314
Oh, yeah. That's him.
1137
01:00:13,476 --> 01:00:15,854
He looks like a mean clown.
1138
01:00:16,012 --> 01:00:18,458
Authorities have been after him
since the old days...
1139
01:00:18,615 --> 01:00:21,790
...for extortion, drugs, even murder.
Except for small collars...
1140
01:00:21,951 --> 01:00:24,454
- ...he's slipped free.
- ELLIOT: What's he doing in Los Angeles?
1141
01:00:24,621 --> 01:00:26,658
DONAHUE:
He rose slowly within
the family hierarchy...
1142
01:00:26,823 --> 01:00:29,201
...but gave it up years ago
and came to Hollywood...
1143
01:00:29,425 --> 01:00:32,770
...to pursue his lifelong dream
of becoming a human cannonball.
1144
01:00:32,929 --> 01:00:37,105
He's quite completely insane
in case you can't tell by looking at him.
1145
01:00:37,266 --> 01:00:39,439
He's an adrenaline junky.
1146
01:00:39,802 --> 01:00:41,441
[NECK CRACKING]
1147
01:00:44,841 --> 01:00:47,117
Couldn't keep his hand out of the cookie jar.
1148
01:00:47,276 --> 01:00:51,190
Graft, petty larceny, armed robbery,
the occasional burglary.
1149
01:00:51,347 --> 01:00:53,293
This will be three strikes for him.
1150
01:00:53,449 --> 01:00:54,894
Thanks to you.
1151
01:00:55,051 --> 01:00:57,554
ELLIOT: Sure is one ugly son of a bitch.
1152
01:00:57,720 --> 01:01:01,532
- JOHN: A face only a mother could love.
- Who do you think gave him that scar?
1153
01:01:01,724 --> 01:01:04,432
- Ew.
- Oh.
1154
01:01:06,462 --> 01:01:07,497
[BOTH GIBBERING]
1155
01:01:07,697 --> 01:01:09,301
Who's got a big tummy?
1156
01:01:11,134 --> 01:01:12,670
[BLOWING RASPBERRIES]
1157
01:01:12,869 --> 01:01:14,348
Hi.
1158
01:01:14,504 --> 01:01:19,078
- Ha, ha. It's almost like he can see us.
- These one-way mirrors are incredible.
1159
01:01:19,242 --> 01:01:21,415
That's not a one-way mirror.
1160
01:01:21,577 --> 01:01:23,523
- That's a window.
- It's a what?
1161
01:01:23,713 --> 01:01:25,386
Uh...
1162
01:01:26,649 --> 01:01:29,562
I could swear I saw a skull
and crossbones in his eyes.
1163
01:01:29,719 --> 01:01:32,199
What were you thinking?
Why would you let him see us?
1164
01:01:32,355 --> 01:01:36,201
See you? You were on television
in front of tens of thousands of viewers.
1165
01:01:36,359 --> 01:01:39,499
There's a TV in the holding area,
so Barns is probably one of them.
1166
01:01:39,662 --> 01:01:43,041
Okay. Big whoop. Let's just get
this over with, right? Let's...
1167
01:01:43,199 --> 01:01:46,146
What's next? You interview us,
we fill out some paperwork and...
1168
01:01:46,302 --> 01:01:47,303
[WHISTLES]
1169
01:01:47,470 --> 01:01:49,712
- ...we're out of here?
- Haven't you heard a word I've said?
1170
01:01:49,872 --> 01:01:52,216
It doesn't matter that Barns
is a distant relative.
1171
01:01:52,375 --> 01:01:54,946
His family will demand
your heads on silver platters.
1172
01:01:55,111 --> 01:01:56,681
I mean that literally.
1173
01:01:58,414 --> 01:02:01,054
You're going into
the witness-protection program.
1174
01:02:01,284 --> 01:02:03,730
Oh, no. No, no, no.
1175
01:02:03,886 --> 01:02:07,265
Wait a minute. You want us to move
away, and change our names?
1176
01:02:07,423 --> 01:02:09,630
And never see our family
and friends ever again?
1177
01:02:09,792 --> 01:02:12,432
Never see them, never contact them.
1178
01:02:12,595 --> 01:02:16,805
I'm sorry, boys, but you must live
the remainder of your lives in anonymity.
1179
01:02:17,033 --> 01:02:18,569
There's no other way.
1180
01:02:18,735 --> 01:02:21,773
Thanks all the same,
but that's not gonna work for us.
1181
01:02:21,938 --> 01:02:23,542
See, I'm sure you'll understand.
1182
01:02:23,706 --> 01:02:26,277
We've got our movie careers to consider.
1183
01:02:26,442 --> 01:02:30,322
If you had come in with our cooperation,
we could have shielded you.
1184
01:02:30,513 --> 01:02:32,220
But the moment you went on TV...
1185
01:02:32,381 --> 01:02:34,952
...witness protection became
your only option.
1186
01:02:35,118 --> 01:02:38,099
This man is an unrepentantly violent felon.
1187
01:02:38,254 --> 01:02:41,667
He was captured fleeing the scene,
but we can't hold him without evidence.
1188
01:02:41,824 --> 01:02:45,465
Only your eyewitness testimony
will keep him off the streets.
1189
01:02:45,628 --> 01:02:49,576
You two seem awfully anxious
to be heroes, here's your opportunity.
1190
01:02:49,732 --> 01:02:51,575
You're right. You're right.
1191
01:02:51,734 --> 01:02:54,579
We have a responsibility to the community.
1192
01:02:54,737 --> 01:02:57,274
- A solemn responsibility.
- I don't know.
1193
01:02:57,440 --> 01:02:59,420
But you do know, Elliot.
1194
01:02:59,575 --> 01:03:03,079
You do know, if we don't testify...
1195
01:03:03,246 --> 01:03:05,692
...how could we live with ourselves?
1196
01:03:05,848 --> 01:03:08,158
We'd be haunted by the guilt and shame.
1197
01:03:08,317 --> 01:03:12,823
Okay, I'm... I'm with you. Right.
1198
01:03:12,989 --> 01:03:14,593
We're at your disposal, detective.
1199
01:03:14,757 --> 01:03:16,532
Take a seat, we'll begin.
1200
01:03:16,692 --> 01:03:17,693
Great.
1201
01:03:17,860 --> 01:03:20,204
Oh, but were those vending machines...
1202
01:03:20,363 --> 01:03:22,309
- ...I saw down the hall?
- That's right.
1203
01:03:22,465 --> 01:03:24,536
You don't mind if we get refreshments,
do you?
1204
01:03:24,700 --> 01:03:26,942
We're bound to get thirsty
giving our lengthy...
1205
01:03:27,103 --> 01:03:28,673
...incredibly detailed statements.
1206
01:03:28,838 --> 01:03:30,818
Right, and I'm hypoglycemic, seriously.
1207
01:03:30,973 --> 01:03:32,179
Make it snappy.
1208
01:03:32,341 --> 01:03:33,513
Back in a jiff.
1209
01:03:33,776 --> 01:03:35,278
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1210
01:04:00,303 --> 01:04:02,112
[HORNS HONKING]
1211
01:04:03,306 --> 01:04:05,149
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1212
01:04:07,376 --> 01:04:10,221
REPORTER:
The mystery witnesses
John Truman and Elliot Alexander...
1213
01:04:10,379 --> 01:04:12,484
...are still wanted for further questioning.
1214
01:04:12,648 --> 01:04:15,390
The authorities ask that anyone
with any information...
1215
01:04:15,551 --> 01:04:19,226
...as to the whereabouts of the mystery
witnesses, alert your local precinct.
1216
01:04:19,622 --> 01:04:22,569
- Back to you in the studio.
- Thanks, Sassy.
1217
01:04:22,725 --> 01:04:24,705
The moment everyone in the world...
1218
01:04:24,861 --> 01:04:27,273
...and in the entertainment capital
of the world, has been waiting for...
1219
01:04:27,430 --> 01:04:29,205
...is now only hours away.
1220
01:04:29,398 --> 01:04:30,570
[DOORBELL RINGS]
1221
01:04:33,569 --> 01:04:37,017
- Oh, my gosh!
- Hi. Sorry for the intrusion, ladies.
1222
01:04:37,173 --> 01:04:40,677
- May we come in?
- Yes, yes. Come in.
1223
01:04:40,843 --> 01:04:41,913
Hello, Linda. Hello.
1224
01:04:42,078 --> 01:04:43,853
What? What? What?
1225
01:04:44,013 --> 01:04:45,424
It's you.
1226
01:04:45,781 --> 01:04:49,024
- Hello, Sally.
- You are the mystery witnesses.
1227
01:04:49,185 --> 01:04:50,255
Can you believe this?
1228
01:04:50,419 --> 01:04:52,797
The mystery witnesses are here
in our living room.
1229
01:04:52,955 --> 01:04:56,698
Could you maybe not be shouting that
so much at the top of your voice?
1230
01:04:56,859 --> 01:04:59,567
They say you're on the run.
Everyone's looking for you.
1231
01:04:59,729 --> 01:05:00,969
- Everyone.
- JOHN: Yeah. We know.
1232
01:05:01,163 --> 01:05:03,700
Yeah. Listen, we realize that
we're not welcome here.
1233
01:05:03,866 --> 01:05:05,641
But we don't have anywhere else to go.
1234
01:05:05,801 --> 01:05:07,940
Not welcome? What are you talking about?
1235
01:05:08,104 --> 01:05:11,108
- You are always welcome.
- Yes. Yes, please come.
1236
01:05:11,274 --> 01:05:13,914
Make yourselves at home.
You guys must be exhausted.
1237
01:05:14,610 --> 01:05:17,591
- Wait. How do you know where we live?
- Yeah. Funny thing is...
1238
01:05:17,747 --> 01:05:20,887
...I happened to be in
the neighborhood once...
1239
01:05:21,050 --> 01:05:24,156
...driving by just once,
and then I glanced up, you know...
1240
01:05:24,320 --> 01:05:27,392
...and happened to see you in your
bedroom window, Linda, so... Ha, ha.
1241
01:05:27,590 --> 01:05:31,231
- Cool. That makes sense.
- Sit down, put up your feet, relax. Yeah.
1242
01:05:31,394 --> 01:05:34,102
We just need to lay low till
we can collect our thoughts.
1243
01:05:34,263 --> 01:05:35,298
Yeah. Of course you do.
1244
01:05:35,464 --> 01:05:37,637
The police are watching
our apartment building.
1245
01:05:37,800 --> 01:05:39,905
- A stakeout?
- Oh, how thrilling.
1246
01:05:40,069 --> 01:05:44,745
Hey, but you managed to slip
through the dragnet. Wow.
1247
01:05:45,308 --> 01:05:46,947
You were really on TV.
1248
01:05:47,109 --> 01:05:48,588
Just like you said you'd be.
1249
01:05:48,744 --> 01:05:52,783
Yeah, but that's not been all
it's cracked up to be just yet.
1250
01:05:52,949 --> 01:05:54,121
You looked good, John.
1251
01:05:54,283 --> 01:05:57,753
- Like, really ruggedly handsome.
- You think so?
1252
01:05:57,920 --> 01:05:59,593
SALLY: Is there anything we can do to help?
1253
01:05:59,755 --> 01:06:01,325
LINDA: Anything at all?
1254
01:06:01,490 --> 01:06:06,132
Well, I... I don't know about you, John,
but I'm... I'm a little hungry.
1255
01:06:06,295 --> 01:06:07,467
I could eat.
1256
01:06:07,630 --> 01:06:09,439
If it's not too much trouble, I mean.
1257
01:06:09,598 --> 01:06:12,135
No, no, no trouble at all. Wait right here.
1258
01:06:12,301 --> 01:06:15,180
We'll be right back with a delicious
and nutritious snack...
1259
01:06:15,338 --> 01:06:17,944
...for our desperate, perspiring fugitives.
1260
01:06:18,107 --> 01:06:19,177
[BOTH LAUGHING]
1261
01:06:19,342 --> 01:06:20,548
Carrot sticks.
1262
01:06:20,776 --> 01:06:22,619
You got one thing right, man.
1263
01:06:22,778 --> 01:06:25,384
Infamy is a panty-dropper.
1264
01:06:25,548 --> 01:06:27,187
A musky pheromone.
1265
01:06:27,350 --> 01:06:29,626
I never thought an ugly guy
could make me so wet.
1266
01:06:29,785 --> 01:06:34,700
Yeah. I know. I have been wet for hot
guys before, but never for ugly guys.
1267
01:06:34,857 --> 01:06:36,894
- I know.
- "Ugly" wet is different.
1268
01:06:37,059 --> 01:06:40,871
Oh, Jesus, we're on every channel.
How do we get out of this mess, John?
1269
01:06:41,030 --> 01:06:44,170
My life may suck, but I'm not ready
to flush it down the crapper.
1270
01:06:44,333 --> 01:06:45,903
Yeah. I know. I agree.
1271
01:06:46,068 --> 01:06:49,880
Not with your exact choice of words.
You know, there's only one thing for it.
1272
01:06:50,039 --> 01:06:54,146
We... We have to devise and execute
our greatest, most elaborate...
1273
01:06:54,310 --> 01:06:55,721
...ingenious scheme ever. We...
1274
01:06:55,878 --> 01:06:57,881
[SIGHS]
1275
01:06:59,015 --> 01:07:02,554
I've got it. We have to kill
the mystery witnesses.
1276
01:07:03,052 --> 01:07:05,055
Fuck, yeah.
1277
01:07:05,554 --> 01:07:10,936
Well, thank you, ladies, for the bountiful
feast of celery, saltines and ice.
1278
01:07:11,093 --> 01:07:12,868
Oh, you're not still hungry, are you?
1279
01:07:13,029 --> 01:07:14,941
How could we be?
1280
01:07:15,097 --> 01:07:17,543
- Yummy.
- We'll be back as soon as we can.
1281
01:07:17,700 --> 01:07:21,045
- Oh, guys, won't you tell us your plan?
- No. We can't do it.
1282
01:07:21,203 --> 01:07:23,843
I keep telling you, it's for your own good.
1283
01:07:24,006 --> 01:07:26,350
We're giving you the gift
of deniable plausibility.
1284
01:07:26,509 --> 01:07:28,352
Wow, thank you.
1285
01:07:28,511 --> 01:07:31,754
Well, be careful out there.
1286
01:07:31,914 --> 01:07:33,359
[LINDA MOANING]
1287
01:07:37,353 --> 01:07:39,196
Good luck.
1288
01:07:39,855 --> 01:07:41,266
[BOTH MOAN]
1289
01:07:47,596 --> 01:07:48,870
[GRUNTING]
1290
01:07:49,532 --> 01:07:51,068
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1291
01:07:53,135 --> 01:07:54,705
Here you go.
1292
01:07:55,538 --> 01:07:56,608
Ow.
1293
01:08:08,918 --> 01:08:10,659
[GROANS, THEN LAUGHS]
1294
01:08:10,886 --> 01:08:11,956
Don't do that.
1295
01:08:12,121 --> 01:08:15,261
- Dude, I'm sorry.
- The cops are out front, they'll hear.
1296
01:08:15,424 --> 01:08:18,963
Yeah, they'll call in an urgent 10-42:
female in distress.
1297
01:08:19,128 --> 01:08:20,383
Shut up, ass.
1298
01:08:20,463 --> 01:08:22,466
[CLATTERING]
1299
01:08:24,300 --> 01:08:26,803
- Is this it?
- Bingo. Let's get out of here.
1300
01:08:29,138 --> 01:08:30,947
[MOANING]
1301
01:08:31,140 --> 01:08:32,642
Take it off.
1302
01:08:35,744 --> 01:08:36,745
Yeah.
1303
01:08:36,946 --> 01:08:38,482
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
1304
01:08:42,751 --> 01:08:44,321
ELLIOT: It's an emergency.
1305
01:08:45,988 --> 01:08:47,297
We're begging you.
1306
01:08:48,624 --> 01:08:49,796
Impossible.
1307
01:08:49,959 --> 01:08:54,135
Absolutely, positively,
phantasmagorically impossible.
1308
01:08:54,296 --> 01:08:56,139
Please, we're in dire straits.
1309
01:08:56,298 --> 01:08:57,834
We've got nowhere else to turn.
1310
01:08:58,000 --> 01:09:01,812
Even if I could procure what you need,
and I'm not saying that I could...
1311
01:09:01,971 --> 01:09:04,679
...it would take weeks to arrange,
possibly months.
1312
01:09:04,840 --> 01:09:06,547
We're willing to pay you handsomely.
1313
01:09:06,909 --> 01:09:09,355
[LAUGHING]
1314
01:09:09,979 --> 01:09:12,687
What with? You've never seen
the kind of money...
1315
01:09:12,848 --> 01:09:16,227
...it would take for me to scrounge
something of this nature.
1316
01:09:18,120 --> 01:09:19,622
You have my attention.
1317
01:09:21,724 --> 01:09:23,294
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1318
01:09:29,198 --> 01:09:31,974
Dear God, does my eye deceive me?
1319
01:09:32,134 --> 01:09:35,513
Robo Wizard.
Do you realize what this is worth?
1320
01:09:35,671 --> 01:09:40,677
Unopened, unblemished packaging,
perfect corners, mint on card.
1321
01:09:40,843 --> 01:09:43,915
Accidentally transformed when
his magical time machine...
1322
01:09:44,079 --> 01:09:45,490
...was struck by lightning.
1323
01:09:45,648 --> 01:09:50,063
He's now half-robot, half-wizard.
He is Robo Wizard.
1324
01:09:54,256 --> 01:09:55,565
[SCREAMING]
1325
01:09:57,226 --> 01:10:00,469
Oh, how you take me back
to the heady days of my youth.
1326
01:10:00,663 --> 01:10:03,269
Saturday mornings,
when I could depend on the sound...
1327
01:10:03,465 --> 01:10:06,776
...of your inappropriately violent exploits
to drown out the sounds...
1328
01:10:06,969 --> 01:10:09,040
...of mother berating father
in the next room.
1329
01:10:09,205 --> 01:10:10,707
Oh, and all those summer nights...
1330
01:10:10,873 --> 01:10:14,013
...I spent entwined in a stifling
tangle of bed sheets...
1331
01:10:14,176 --> 01:10:18,283
...dreaming of the day when I too
might ride my faithful pterodactyl...
1332
01:10:18,480 --> 01:10:20,892
...on a quest to rescue the fair maiden.
1333
01:10:23,485 --> 01:10:24,555
So...
1334
01:10:24,720 --> 01:10:25,858
...is it a deal then?
1335
01:10:26,021 --> 01:10:28,126
You'll have what you need within the hour.
1336
01:10:29,091 --> 01:10:31,196
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1337
01:10:39,235 --> 01:10:42,648
There she lay, our wanton mistress.
1338
01:10:42,805 --> 01:10:45,285
Beautiful, though, you have to admit.
1339
01:10:45,441 --> 01:10:48,149
Well, she sure had her way with us.
1340
01:10:48,310 --> 01:10:51,155
Raped us six ways from Sunday.
1341
01:10:55,251 --> 01:10:56,662
[TIRES SCREECHING]
1342
01:11:00,756 --> 01:11:02,167
As promised.
1343
01:11:02,324 --> 01:11:05,328
Meet John Truman and Elliot Alexander.
1344
01:11:05,494 --> 01:11:06,495
- My goodness.
- Oh, God.
1345
01:11:06,662 --> 01:11:09,404
I got them from a buddy who works
at the med-school morgue.
1346
01:11:09,565 --> 01:11:12,637
Compared to what was in store
for these two, this is a picnic.
1347
01:11:15,604 --> 01:11:17,243
They're older than Methuselah.
1348
01:11:17,406 --> 01:11:19,409
How is anyone ever gonna believe they're us?
1349
01:11:19,575 --> 01:11:23,079
Gee whiz. Surprisingly,
these are the only dead bodies...
1350
01:11:23,245 --> 01:11:26,283
...I could scare up at a moment's notice.
Take them or leave them.
1351
01:11:26,448 --> 01:11:28,655
It's no skin off of my rosy-red hindquarters.
1352
01:11:28,817 --> 01:11:30,558
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
1353
01:11:35,624 --> 01:11:38,127
Having just dressed a naked corpse...
1354
01:11:38,294 --> 01:11:41,707
...I can now place that very high
on my list of least favorite things.
1355
01:11:41,864 --> 01:11:44,811
Oh, I really wish there was somewhere
we could wash our hands.
1356
01:11:45,501 --> 01:11:47,003
You think this will work?
1357
01:11:47,369 --> 01:11:50,441
I don't know. They do it at the end of,
Iike, every third movie...
1358
01:11:50,606 --> 01:11:52,609
...and TV show, so why not?
1359
01:11:53,342 --> 01:11:55,845
Maybe we should say a few words.
1360
01:11:56,011 --> 01:11:57,684
Yeah. Probably.
1361
01:11:57,846 --> 01:11:59,348
All right.
1362
01:12:00,015 --> 01:12:02,495
O Lord, um...
1363
01:12:02,651 --> 01:12:07,828
...we hope that you welcome
these two unfortunate...
1364
01:12:07,990 --> 01:12:11,460
Oh, fuckballs, I just remembered
we're missing the
CJT.
1365
01:12:11,627 --> 01:12:12,970
- What?
- Celebrity Jousting Tournament.
1366
01:12:13,128 --> 01:12:14,198
I forgot to record it.
1367
01:12:14,363 --> 01:12:15,967
Oh, right. Oh, shit.
1368
01:12:16,298 --> 01:12:18,505
Let's get this show on the road.
1369
01:12:20,102 --> 01:12:21,638
[GRUNTING]
1370
01:12:27,609 --> 01:12:30,317
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1371
01:12:31,480 --> 01:12:33,483
[ALL GRUNTING]
1372
01:12:48,664 --> 01:12:50,405
[WOLF HOWLS]
1373
01:12:50,632 --> 01:12:52,441
Wha...? It... It didn't explode.
1374
01:12:52,634 --> 01:12:55,513
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, this is really... This is very bad.
1375
01:12:55,671 --> 01:12:57,548
- Didn't you fill the tank?
- We did.
1376
01:12:57,706 --> 01:12:59,845
- We filled the tank.
- All right. Quick.
1377
01:13:00,008 --> 01:13:03,080
We gotta get our story straight.
You and I were driving along...
1378
01:13:03,245 --> 01:13:06,226
...two old men carjacked us
and they seemed...
1379
01:13:06,382 --> 01:13:08,794
...suicidal. They took all of our clothes...?
1380
01:13:09,952 --> 01:13:11,454
Whoa!
1381
01:13:11,687 --> 01:13:13,633
- Yes.
- Ha-ha-ha.
1382
01:13:13,789 --> 01:13:16,031
- Yes. Yes.
- Wow.
1383
01:13:16,191 --> 01:13:17,465
- Oh, man.
- Yeah.
1384
01:13:17,659 --> 01:13:19,639
- Yeah.
- Oh, man, that's so hot.
1385
01:13:19,795 --> 01:13:22,037
- THE KING: Yes.
- JOHN: It feels hot on my face.
1386
01:13:22,231 --> 01:13:23,710
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1387
01:13:29,371 --> 01:13:33,945
Listen, I'm not good with sentimental
goodbyes, but we'd never...
1388
01:13:34,243 --> 01:13:38,282
THE KING:
I got the
Robo Wizard. Yeah! Ha-ha-ha.
1389
01:13:38,480 --> 01:13:40,790
- Con man and carpetbagger.
- Unh. Oof.
1390
01:13:40,949 --> 01:13:45,295
Archie? Elliot. Are you all right? Ooh!
1391
01:13:45,921 --> 01:13:50,233
You goddamn con man and carpetbaggers, man.
1392
01:13:52,394 --> 01:13:55,842
You know, Elliot, this could actually be
our chance to re-invent ourselves.
1393
01:13:55,998 --> 01:13:57,443
To become better people.
1394
01:13:57,599 --> 01:13:58,976
Let's win the girls' hearts.
1395
01:13:59,134 --> 01:14:00,579
For real this time.
1396
01:14:00,736 --> 01:14:04,081
And I'll tell you what else, no more
fame for me, thank you very much.
1397
01:14:04,239 --> 01:14:06,651
Yeah. I agree. I've learned my lesson.
1398
01:14:06,809 --> 01:14:10,348
I never imagined we'd be so desperate
to become un-famous.
1399
01:14:10,512 --> 01:14:12,583
The irony is not lost on me.
1400
01:14:12,748 --> 01:14:15,160
We'll hide out with the ladies
for however long...
1401
01:14:15,317 --> 01:14:18,765
...and then we'll start rebuilding
our lives on our own terms.
1402
01:14:18,921 --> 01:14:19,991
You know?
1403
01:14:20,155 --> 01:14:22,192
If we ever did wanna reconsider showbiz...
1404
01:14:22,357 --> 01:14:25,338
...there's always massive
reconstructive plastic surgery.
1405
01:14:25,527 --> 01:14:27,769
Might not be a bad idea either way.
1406
01:14:27,930 --> 01:14:31,776
Right now, though, what I'd like
is a simple job for a change.
1407
01:14:31,934 --> 01:14:33,777
Working with my hands, maybe on a farm.
1408
01:14:33,936 --> 01:14:35,848
Yes. Nothing could appeal to me more.
1409
01:14:36,004 --> 01:14:38,450
Wholesome, honest work, like...
1410
01:14:38,607 --> 01:14:41,110
...I don't know, washing things.
1411
01:14:41,643 --> 01:14:43,850
- Picking apples.
- Washing apples.
1412
01:14:44,012 --> 01:14:45,218
Here's to being dead.
1413
01:14:45,380 --> 01:14:46,689
Reborn.
1414
01:14:46,849 --> 01:14:50,024
A "new" new beginning.
1415
01:14:52,654 --> 01:14:54,065
MAN 1: Hey, John and Elliot.
1416
01:14:54,256 --> 01:14:57,135
- Hey, over here, over here.
- MAN 2: We're broadcasting live.
1417
01:14:57,292 --> 01:15:00,398
- The mystery witnesses have returned.
- Where's your clothing?
1418
01:15:01,330 --> 01:15:02,468
- Sally?
- Linda?
1419
01:15:02,631 --> 01:15:04,907
We were so scared,
but then we were so excited...
1420
01:15:05,067 --> 01:15:07,138
...and we knew we had to call the TV station.
1421
01:15:07,302 --> 01:15:09,509
- And the newspapers.
- Yeah, and the... The cops.
1422
01:15:09,671 --> 01:15:11,048
What else are we gonna do?
1423
01:15:11,206 --> 01:15:14,517
Is it true that you two girls
are professional models?
1424
01:15:14,676 --> 01:15:16,815
Oh, how flattering. Heh, heh. No.
1425
01:15:16,979 --> 01:15:19,391
But we do work at Fashion Urge
in the Galleria.
1426
01:15:19,548 --> 01:15:21,425
There's this sale going on on Tuesday.
1427
01:15:21,583 --> 01:15:23,062
Mr. Kelly, what up?
1428
01:15:24,520 --> 01:15:28,400
Okay. We're hoping to become actresses
very soon, just FYI, world.
1429
01:15:28,557 --> 01:15:30,730
Wh...? What have you done?
1430
01:15:30,926 --> 01:15:32,838
[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
1431
01:15:33,729 --> 01:15:38,440
DONAHUE: Boys, we're taking you into
custody, for your own protection.
1432
01:15:38,600 --> 01:15:40,512
- In a shocking twist of fate...
- Wait.
1433
01:15:40,702 --> 01:15:42,944
...the mystery witnesses are being arrested.
1434
01:15:43,105 --> 01:15:46,609
Oh, you... You thought we ran away.
1435
01:15:46,808 --> 01:15:49,084
Oh, no, no, no.
1436
01:15:49,244 --> 01:15:52,817
We were getting fresh air.
Clearing our heads.
1437
01:15:53,015 --> 01:15:56,360
We were on our way back to
the police station, but we got lost.
1438
01:15:56,518 --> 01:15:58,930
- Let's go. Keep moving.
- What will happen to them?
1439
01:15:59,087 --> 01:16:00,361
You're stepping on my foot.
1440
01:16:00,522 --> 01:16:02,729
Is it true they're going into
witness-protection...
1441
01:16:02,891 --> 01:16:05,633
...and can you give us some idea
of where they'll be relocated?
1442
01:16:05,827 --> 01:16:07,773
- Sally!
- Linda! Wait. Please...
1443
01:16:07,930 --> 01:16:09,637
...Iet us say goodbye to our ladies.
1444
01:16:09,831 --> 01:16:12,107
- Have a heart, detective.
- Hold on.
1445
01:16:12,267 --> 01:16:14,907
Here come John and Elliot now.
1446
01:16:15,070 --> 01:16:18,574
- Oh, hi, guys.
- Hey.
1447
01:16:18,740 --> 01:16:19,741
Hi.
1448
01:16:19,908 --> 01:16:22,479
- Uh, listen...
- Look...
1449
01:16:22,644 --> 01:16:24,283
...we're sorry.
1450
01:16:24,446 --> 01:16:25,925
No, no, no. We get it.
1451
01:16:26,081 --> 01:16:29,256
- We don't blame you.
- Well, yeah. It's not our fault...
1452
01:16:29,418 --> 01:16:32,422
...but we feel kind of bad about how
this worked out for you.
1453
01:16:32,588 --> 01:16:34,500
Well, here's the thing, girls.
1454
01:16:34,656 --> 01:16:38,399
We'll most likely end up testifying,
us being good citizens and all.
1455
01:16:38,560 --> 01:16:41,632
Frankly, that's gonna mean a heck
of a lot of changes in our lives.
1456
01:16:41,797 --> 01:16:43,242
Oh, yeah.
1457
01:16:43,398 --> 01:16:46,504
Elliot and I, we're gonna have to disappear.
1458
01:16:46,668 --> 01:16:49,114
We'll get new names, new identities.
1459
01:16:49,271 --> 01:16:52,741
We're needles starting at zero
and going the other way.
1460
01:16:52,908 --> 01:16:58,483
And what we were hoping was, well,
what if you two came with us?
1461
01:16:58,647 --> 01:17:01,787
We wouldn't need anything else.
I mean, nothing would matter.
1462
01:17:01,950 --> 01:17:05,762
It would all be worthwhile in the end
so long as we were together.
1463
01:17:05,921 --> 01:17:07,798
You and us. What do you say?
1464
01:17:07,990 --> 01:17:10,630
- Uh...
- Uh... Um...
1465
01:17:10,926 --> 01:17:11,961
- Well...
- I...
1466
01:17:15,897 --> 01:17:18,104
Everybody! Hey, hey, look.
1467
01:17:18,266 --> 01:17:21,179
- It... It's happening!
- MAN: They're unveiling the sign.
1468
01:17:21,336 --> 01:17:22,474
Hurry. You'll miss it.
1469
01:17:22,638 --> 01:17:27,485
After countless man hours and millions
and millions of tax payer dollars...
1470
01:17:27,643 --> 01:17:30,283
...the moment has finally arrived.
1471
01:17:30,445 --> 01:17:33,722
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Fluffy Time Biscuit Company...
1472
01:17:33,949 --> 01:17:37,658
...is proud to present the one and only...
1473
01:17:37,819 --> 01:17:41,232
...new and improved Hollywood sign.
1474
01:17:42,157 --> 01:17:45,002
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1475
01:18:38,547 --> 01:18:39,856
That...
1476
01:18:40,015 --> 01:18:42,018
That's just...
1477
01:18:42,184 --> 01:18:43,788
Oh, God. It's awful.
1478
01:18:43,985 --> 01:18:45,988
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1479
01:18:53,195 --> 01:18:55,072
# I'm deluxe #
1480
01:18:55,263 --> 01:18:56,765
# Baby, I'm printin' them bucks #
1481
01:18:57,499 --> 01:18:58,773
# I'm deluxe #
1482
01:18:59,735 --> 01:19:01,544
# Haters be giving a fuck #
1483
01:19:01,737 --> 01:19:04,013
# 'Cause I'm deluxe #
1484
01:19:04,272 --> 01:19:06,582
# Baby, I'm printin' them bucks #
1485
01:19:06,775 --> 01:19:08,277
# I'm deluxe #
1486
01:19:08,510 --> 01:19:10,387
# Haters be giving a fuck #
1487
01:19:10,946 --> 01:19:13,256
# Haters wanna race
But they can't catch me #
1488
01:19:13,448 --> 01:19:15,223
# Cruisin' down the block
In my new Benzy #
1489
01:19:15,417 --> 01:19:17,420
# Ho's all know I'm never thirsty #
1490
01:19:17,619 --> 01:19:19,963
# Sipping that Dom
With a toast, sexy ##
1491
01:19:20,155 --> 01:19:22,294
Robo Wizard
is an incredibly rare...
1492
01:19:22,457 --> 01:19:25,302
...and valuable piece
of collectible Americana...
1493
01:19:25,460 --> 01:19:28,737
...of nearly inestimable
historical significance...
1494
01:19:28,897 --> 01:19:31,742
...the likes of which you're unlikely
to have the privilege...
1495
01:19:31,900 --> 01:19:35,245
...of laying eyes on again in your lifetime.
1496
01:19:35,537 --> 01:19:38,074
Ah, I'm so bored.
1497
01:19:38,240 --> 01:19:41,312
- What should we do tonight, Sal?
- I don't know, Lind.
1498
01:19:41,476 --> 01:19:43,979
Could go to the fashion show
or the movie premiere...
1499
01:19:44,146 --> 01:19:46,922
...but I'm feeling like maybe we should
rent cow costumes...
1500
01:19:47,082 --> 01:19:48,618
...and crash the grand opening...
1501
01:19:48,784 --> 01:19:50,991
...of celebrity chef Zechariah's
new vegan restaurant.
1502
01:19:51,153 --> 01:19:53,326
- Ha-ha-ha. Hilarious. Ha-ha-ha!
- Ha-ha-ha!
1503
01:19:53,488 --> 01:19:58,096
Ladies, do you think you
could find it in your heart...
1504
01:19:58,260 --> 01:20:02,436
...to maybe go back
to work for a little while?
1505
01:20:02,597 --> 01:20:05,669
- Um, we are working, Mr. Kelly.
- See?
1506
01:20:05,834 --> 01:20:07,939
Oh, and Mr. Kelly, unfortunately...
1507
01:20:08,103 --> 01:20:10,709
...you'll need to switch
our schedules to part-time.
1508
01:20:10,872 --> 01:20:14,012
Yeah. Thanks, because next season,
we're supposed to have babies...
1509
01:20:14,176 --> 01:20:16,622
...or marry conjoined twins, or something.
1510
01:20:16,812 --> 01:20:18,348
# We are Bloops
You are Bloops #
1511
01:20:18,513 --> 01:20:20,220
# Shut up, we are Bloops #
1512
01:20:20,382 --> 01:20:22,055
# Scooba-dooba-da
Bloop, bloop, bloop #
1513
01:20:22,217 --> 01:20:23,787
# Shut up, we are Bloops #
1514
01:20:24,219 --> 01:20:25,823
# We are Bloops
You are Bloops #
1515
01:20:26,021 --> 01:20:27,830
# Shut up, we are Bloops #
1516
01:20:27,989 --> 01:20:29,696
# Scooba-dooba-da
Bloop, bloop, bloop #
1517
01:20:29,858 --> 01:20:31,531
# Shut up, we are Bloops #
1518
01:20:31,793 --> 01:20:33,500
# We are Bloops
You are Bloops #
1519
01:20:33,695 --> 01:20:35,470
# Shut up, we are Bloops #
1520
01:20:35,630 --> 01:20:37,303
# Scooba-dooba-da
Bloop, bloop, bloop #
1521
01:20:37,465 --> 01:20:39,138
# Shut up, we are Bloops #
1522
01:20:39,401 --> 01:20:41,040
# We are Bloops
You are Bloops #
1523
01:20:41,236 --> 01:20:43,045
# Shut up, we are Bloops #
1524
01:20:43,205 --> 01:20:44,980
# Scooba-dooba-da
Bloop, bloop, bloop #
1525
01:20:45,140 --> 01:20:46,847
# Shut up, we are Bloops ##
1526
01:20:48,844 --> 01:20:50,255
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1527
01:21:01,056 --> 01:21:03,366
# Get your hopes up
Get your hopes up #
1528
01:21:03,558 --> 01:21:06,698
# It's gonna be great
It's gonna be awesome #
1529
01:21:06,995 --> 01:21:09,339
# Get your hopes up
Get your hopes up #
1530
01:21:09,531 --> 01:21:12,569
# It's gonna be great
It's gonna be awesome #
1531
01:21:14,402 --> 01:21:16,279
# And everybody you know #
1532
01:21:18,673 --> 01:21:21,552
# Lobster dinner
Oysters on ice #
1533
01:21:21,710 --> 01:21:24,691
# Your lipstick's smudged
But you still look nice #
1534
01:21:25,080 --> 01:21:27,185
# Get your hopes up
Get your hopes up #
1535
01:21:27,382 --> 01:21:30,852
# It's gonna be great
It's gonna be awesome #
1536
01:21:31,052 --> 01:21:33,259
# Get your hopes up
Get your hopes up #
1537
01:21:33,455 --> 01:21:36,664
# It's gonna be great
It's gonna be awesome #
1538
01:21:36,958 --> 01:21:39,404
# Your eyes are wandering
They should be on me #
1539
01:21:39,694 --> 01:21:42,539
# Oh, nice shot, see
The paparazzi #
1540
01:21:42,731 --> 01:21:45,405
# Don't you know
I can get you anything #
1541
01:21:45,934 --> 01:21:49,074
# A pearl necklace
Is better than a diamond ring #
1542
01:21:59,180 --> 01:22:01,126
# Better than a diamond ring #
1543
01:22:01,316 --> 01:22:03,296
# Get your hopes up
Get your hopes up #
1544
01:22:03,485 --> 01:22:06,796
# It's gonna be great
It's gonna be awesome #
1545
01:22:07,122 --> 01:22:09,432
# Get your hopes up
Get your hopes up #
1546
01:22:09,624 --> 01:22:12,799
# It's gonna be great
It's gonna be awesome #
1547
01:22:13,194 --> 01:22:15,970
# Get your hopes up
Keep your mouth shut #
1548
01:22:16,197 --> 01:22:18,837
# It'd be so good
If you just kept your mouth shut #
1549
01:22:19,067 --> 01:22:21,638
# Get your hopes up
Keep your mouth shut #
1550
01:22:21,836 --> 01:22:25,079
# It'd be so good
If you just kept your mouth shut #
1551
01:22:25,273 --> 01:22:27,617
# Get your hopes up
Keep your mouth shut #
1552
01:22:27,776 --> 01:22:30,916
# It'd be so good
If you just kept your mouth shut #
1553
01:22:31,112 --> 01:22:33,615
# Get your hopes up
Keep your mouth shut #
1554
01:22:33,782 --> 01:22:36,763
# It'd be so good
If you just kept your mouth shut #
1555
01:22:37,118 --> 01:22:39,598
# Get your hopes up
Keep your mouth shut #
1556
01:22:39,754 --> 01:22:42,758
# It'd be so good
If you just kept your mouth shut #
1557
01:22:43,124 --> 01:22:45,604
# Get your hopes up
Keep your mouth shut #
1558
01:22:45,794 --> 01:22:48,673
# It'd be so good
If you just kept your mouth shut #
1559
01:22:48,863 --> 01:22:50,137
# Kept your #
1560
01:22:50,298 --> 01:22:51,572
# Mouth shut ##
126664