All language subtitles for Life.as.We.Know.It.2011

Okay.

Hi.

- Holly. - Eric.

- Messer. - Messer.

Messer. Yeah, everybody calls me Messer.

Well, it's nice to finally meet you, Messer.

- Am I late? - Um, just an hour.

But, you know, I just finished getting ready,

and Alison said it was your m.o., so....

Peter said you'd probably say something.

Ha, ha. Oh, did he? Oh, okay.

- Neat. Should we go? - Yeah, yeah, let's go.

Yeah, let's get some dinner.

I'm super hungry. It's been like an hour.

So l hear you just moved to Atlanta.

Yep.

- How long have you known Pete for? - High school.

Oh, wow.

Oh, thank you.

I've known Alison since college.

We were in a sorority together.

- Where's your car? - Right here.

Here you go.

Come on.

Hold on tight. I promise I won't read into it.

-I'm not really dressed for 40-mile-an-hour-- -What?

I'm not really dressed for 40-mile-an-hour winds.

Sorry. I just--

You know, I don't even think

I could really get my leg up over it, so....

But I'll drive.

My car's right here. And it's new, so l love driving it.

- It's a sweet ride. - Thanks.

Hop in.

All right.

So where shall we go?

Uh, where did you make the reservations?

That you said you were gonna make. You didn't make them?

- I said that? -It's cool. Whatever.

Yeah, it's cool. We can go anywhere, I don't care.

We can-- You pick it.

We'll grab a table and we'll just slide right in.

-Sounds good. -My friend from culinary school is the--

Pull over, that ass is too fat

- It's just my cell phone. - I figured.

- You can answer it if you-- - No, no, it'll go to voicemail.

Okay.

Yeah, well, I was just saying

my friend from culinary school is actually the--

You know what? Go ahead, just answer it, it's fine.

- I'm-- I can wait. - All right. Yeah. It's a little too loud.

Hey, you.

Well, you know me, always in the middle of something.

Yeah, okay, yeah. Eleven?

Yeah. You know what? Why don't we make it 10:30?

All right. All right, later.

Okay.

I'm sorry, it's a.... it's a sick friend.

You know, we don't have to do this.

Really?

- Okay. -Oh, my God, are you serious?

Okay, let's be honest.

You knew the moment you saw me you didn't like me.

But our mutual friends set this up,

so I think we owe it to them to--

To what, spend a few hours faking small talk?

Look, best case, we get drunk and we hook up.

What kind of an asshole are you?

Look, it's a Saturday night. I just wanna have some fun.

I can go see my sick friend, and you can go do...

...whatever it is you like to do on a Saturday night.

You look like you read. You can go read a book.

-Do you blog? -Do my blog? Okay. You know what?

If you wanted to ensure that

this wasn't gonna be a lousy night, here's a tip:

Don't show up an hour late, and don't make a booty call in front of me.

- She's sick. - Oh, right.

Were you going to heal her with your magic penis?

Okay.

Fine. If you wanna go out, we'll go out--

Oh, my God, no.

I'm not going out with you now. What are you, crazy?

Get out of my car. Get out of my Smart car.

- I don't know what Pete and Alison were thinking. - Me neither.

Alison, oh, my God. The only way you can make this up to me...

...is if you promise I never have to see him again.

Really, you are like the most important woman in my life...

...and Alison is the sister I never had.

And I love you so much, and I'm so grateful for you and Peter.

Look at Mess. in back.

Anyway, I was just trying to say how excited I am for you--

I love you. Alison.

Messer, it's my turn.

It's my turn. You already gave your speech.

- Are you maid of honor? - Yes.

Can we switch you guys out? I need you next to the bride.

Get right in here with you guys.

Don't touch me. I knew you were gonna do that.

Don't touch me. Don't encourage him.

Stop it. I swear to God. Stop.

I'm sorry, I can't stand next to him.

Hey, guys. Here we are at the holiday party. Holly, Ben.

Here you go.

How's that first date going, guys?

I mean, what really happened? Tell me.

Yo, Mess. Mess.

- She has work to do. - Dude. Dude.

- Help me. Take the camera. - Give me the camera.

Whoa, check it out.

Come here. Look at Alison's bun in the oven.

Bun in the oven. Excuse me, guys. All right? Honey?

Well, well, look at that.

- She's my daughter. - Won't be long now.

Don't squeeze the belly.

Hey, Holly. What's this?

Come on, just a little Christmas kiss. Just give him a--

Great. Yay, happy holidays.

You are an asshole.

Hi, baby girl.

Hi. Oh, my gosh.

Baby.

Hold on, Messer, I just got her.

- She's with Aunt Holly now. - Dude.

- Careful, Messer. Gently. - I got her. I got her.

- Honey. - I'm just playing.

- It's not funny. - She's fine.

She's like a little football.

Would you stop it? Messer. Messer.

- Okay. - Stop it, seriously.

Cats have kittens

Doggies have pups

Horses have pretty foals

And sheep have lambs

Cows have calves and I bet you didn't know

That elephants have calves too

Lions and leopards have cubs

Which is the proper thing for them to do

She's gonna blow if you keep doing that. She's in a puking phase.

No, she loves it.

She loves it, don't you, Soph?

You're the only girl I'll ever shave for. You know that?

Speaking of, why didn't Liz come?

I thought you were getting serious.

No, we ended that a few weeks ago. It wasn't working out.

- What happened? - I don't know.

I just didn't see us on that long march towards death together.

Oh, my bad. I thought you liked this girl.

That was you. I just thought she was hot.

Honey, don't forget to tip the castle guys.

They show up late and made me do the work.

But, sure, let's tip the castle guys.

So I started taking Sophie to this new family practice.

There's this doctor there. He's so cute.

I may have finally replaced my Anderson Cooper crush.

- Anyway, l noticed no ring... - Scoot.

...so I started a conversation with his nurse.

- No. - I pretended to like her nails.

No. We agreed to a moratorium on setups.

How do you know you won't like him?

You have the worst setup track record ever.

-Like who? -The shoplifter. Adult-braces guy.

Unbelievable. You're still holding that over me.

I'm not even gonna get into the Messer Debacle of '07.

Well, that was Peter. I hardly even knew him then.

You knew he called himself Messer. And you're my best friend.

You can't be like those

women who judge me because l don't wear a ring.

I'm not.

In the meantime, you keep having gorgeous babies...

...and I will keep spoiling them with this.

Seriously, that's better than my wedding cake.

- I made your wedding cake. - It was a little dry.

Don't let any fat grown-ups in while the kids are inside.

Have you guys been smoking marijuana?

-That's illegal. -You're stoned.

What are you holding? Let me see it.

Come on, you want me to call the cops?

Please don't. My dad's a pastor.

All right, I'm taking this. Next time, you guys are gonna be trouble.

- Now go on, get out of here. - That's--

- Go on, get out of here. - Get out of here!

- I bought that stuff. - Totally unacceptable.

Delivery kids show up stoned out of their minds.

- Who needs a dealer? - Aren't you respectable now?

Relax. Once a year, under the right circumstances...

...Alison and I like to relive our youth.

- Once a year? - Yeah--

- Yeah, right. Once a year. - All right, maybe twice a year.

Wanna go? Come on, come on.

Messer, do not bounce her too much.

She's fine. She loves it, look at her.

- Mess, l'm warning you. - Come on, she's fine.

Oh, my God. She--

Oh, my God.

Don't worry, Sophie,

you're not the first girl to throw up on Uncle Messer.

Hey, Sophie, look. Look, that's what bitter looks like.

Messer, go up to Peter's closet

and grab something before everyone gets here.

-Why, what time is it? -It's 11 .

Though it's only 10 in Messer time.

You know, I'm surprised you're even up.

You keep your watch on during sex, don't you?

At least I don't wear my baseball cap everywhere.

You can take it off now, Messer. We all know about the receding hairline.

It's a widow's peak. I don't have a receding hairline.

Hey, baby's birthday. Neutral corners. Take a glass.

First birthday, you can take your hat off for pictures.

- There it is. - Before everyone gets here...

...we wanted to toast Sophie's two favorite people.

And our best friends.

We made it through her first

year with most of our sanity thanks to you guys.

- We love you guys. - Are you crying?

Mother's cry.

- Thank god, the babysitter's here. - Why do you need a babysitter? We're both here

Because she's a genius.

When Sophie goes nuclear, she the only one who can calm her down.

- We call her the baby whisperer. - Oh, the baby whisperer, huh?

- Hey, is she hot? - Totally hot.

- What's wrong with you? - Hey, everybody, this is Amy.

- Hello, Amy. - Look who's here.

Sophie.

Let's go get you changed, hm?

Thank you.

Are you serious? That's the baby whisperer?

Really, if she was old

enough to have sex with Peter, I'd be obsolete.

You'll never be obsolete, babe. Come here.

Oh, my God. Could you step away? You reek of baby puke.

Oh, really?

- You do. Get away from me. - Excuse me.

You've all met before.

You met before. Remember Sophie?

I can't believe you guys have four now.

- Did she have any tearing? - Oh, yeah, stem to stern.

They had to crack that woman open like a lobster.

Excuse me. Excuse me, miss, are you the caterer?

Yes, and Alison's friend.

Okay, because you need to come and sit here.

Okay? You need to come over here right now and sit down.

Someone is in trouble...

...because you make food to die for.

Thank you.

- I was a real jock back in college. - Yeah?

A sprinter.

- Really? - Yeah, ran a 4.2 40.

- Wow, that's fast. - Yeah, it's fast.

How else do you think l snagged Miss Pennsylvania here?

- Who's talking about me? Okay. - Oh, here she is.

Okay, that's good for now. So who is this? Hi, I'm Beth.

- Messer. - Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you. - We have not met before.

I would remember this face of his.

If you've got a loving partner,

you can get through anything. Hey, Scott!

- Yeah, I'm-- - Scott!

- Hold that. Hold on. - Hey, Scott.

- I was trying to get the boys fed. - Okay.

I think Conner may have gotten

himself into a little trouble, you know what I mean?

- Okay, okay. - This is my husband, Scott.

- Hi, how are you? - It's nice to meet you. Holly.

Okay. I left those diapers in the car.

We used to have sex.

We used to have sex all the time, you know, everywhere.

Everywhere.

Then the baby needs to be fed, the kids need to be asleep...

...and they have to have

slept the night before or else you're exhausted.

- Hi, I'm Ted's partner, Gary. - Busted.

No, I'm actually single, I'm....

- It's just me. - Okay, okay.

Well, you serve good meats and cheeses.

- I think we were all talking about that. - Thank you.

That's something. I think that's good to have as a skill.

- Did you wrap those? - Yes, I did.

Look at that. She wraps. I don't touch meat.

Only with my lips.

Happy birthday, dear Sophie

Happy birthday to you

Guys, l want a picture of Sophie with her godparents.

Okay.

- Amazing. - She looks excited.

Picture.

All right, on three say, "Messer has a widow's peak."

One, two....

- Cheese. - Sophie.

Is it a good party? You want some cake?

You wanna get a late breakfast?

No, I can't. I got a game in an hour. I gotta go shower.

- Mm. Are you sure about that? - Yeah, I'm sure. There's coffee.

Oh, and mugs are in the cabinet.

- Ooh. This looks delicious. - It's not ready.

- I'm just taking a bite. - The crumb is too fine.

- I should've gone with Ceylon cinnamon. - Oh, my God.

- Cassia's just wrong. - You're a genius. You are.

You may be bipolar, but you're a genius.

I swear, l would eat them out of the trash.

- I would, they're so good. -That's nasty.

Hey, Free-Range Turkey's here.

Where you going? See, l knew it.

You do this every time he comes in.

- I know you get excited. - I'm just trying to be responsible.

I'm gonna take over here. Thank you.

You don't act like this when Old Man Johnson comes in.

- Don't be a smart-ass. Go fix your cookies. - Okay.

Let me guess.

- Free-range turkey on baguette? - I'm getting predictable, huh?

Well, I like to think of it as dependable.

It's been 35 of the same sandwich.

- Hm. You're counting? - Ish. Thirty-five-ish.

You know, there are other things

on the menu if you'd like to try something else.

- Surprise me. - Okay. All right, great.

- Do you like croissants? - I do, yeah.

Good, then I've got just the thing.

How come you don't wear one

of those white coats with your name on it?

So l'd know what it is.

- It's Holly. - Holly. Sam.

- Nice to meet you. - We met 35 sandwiches ago.

Thirty-six now.

- Thanks. Keep the change. - Oh, thanks.

Sure you don't wanna throw your card in the bowl?

Winner gets a free lunch.

How about a free dinner on me?

Be cool, be cool. Let him get out the door. Damn.

- Go. - Okay. Oh, no.

Which one was it? Okay, that's a Benjamin. Oh, there's a Sam.

I could pick one for you.

How many Sams are there in this city?

And the Atlanta Hawks trying to work it out over the other side.

Come on, people, let's bump up the energy.

It's an exciting game here. Come on. Ready 7.

- And he scores. - Go 7.

Simon, I need shooting percentages.

Ready 8. Let's zoom in on 8.

More, more, more. Yep, right there. Go 8.

Ready 2. And go 2. Ready 6. Where's my 6?

The Hawks are about to press. We should stay in the backcourt.

...pass inbound. Stolen by Bibby to Smith underneath.

Nice. Good call, Mess.

Simon, I asked for shooting percentages.

Let's go. You're too ugly not to be smarter. Come on, let's go.

-I hate him so much. - Ready 4.

I wanna frame somebody's murder on him, you know?

- Fingerprints, scene of the crime. - What's that, Simon?

Shooting percentages coming up, sir.

Hi, Sam, this is Holly Berenson from Fraiche.

I think you left your card in my bowl today for the free lunch.

I hope you did,

because you're one of four Sams who did this week.

And if it is you and you asked me out, I accept.

- If it's-- - Hello?

- Hello? - Why are you calling my husband?

Right, you're his wife. Of course.

We're very happily married.

I understand that you're happily married.

Really, I didn't mean anything by it. I'm so sorry. Okay.

You take care. I'm sorry.

- Hi, Sam? - Yes, Samantha.

Oh, Samantha. Oh, it's a Samantha. I'm sorry, I have the wrong--

Maybe not. You single?

I am single, yes.

Hi, Sam Nelson. Dr. Sam Nelson.

This is Holly Berenson from Fraiche...

...and I am really hoping that you're the Sam I talked to today.

If not, I'm screwed

because you're the last Sam who put his card in the bowl

for a free lunch.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Call waiting.

Hello?

Yes, this is she.

Excuse me. I'm looking for an Officer Young.

The officer at the scene found your name and number...

...on an insurance contact card in her wallet.

Now, we need numbers for the nearest next of kin.

Can you supply those?

Yeah. Pete's dad, um....

How did you say the car flipped? It flipped when it hit the...?

Are you sure you wouldn't like to sit down?

They have a baby girl.

Sophie. Was she in the car? Was she in the car with them?

No. She was in the care of a minor,

a babysitter, at the time of the accident.

So the officers placed her with CPS for the night.

- She's perfectly fine. - CPS?

Child Protective Services.

Where they take cases like this.

Cases like this?

Orphaned children.

Messer.

No, no, no. I just don't understand why we can't see her tonight.

No, ma'am, I don't care about your protocol. This is--

Yes, I will be here at this number. Yes.

They won't do anything, not till 8 a.m. tomorrow.

Okay, okay. I'm sure that she's fine.

You know, why don't we sleep here tonight?

That way we're here if they call early. All right?

- Okay. - Why don't you take the guest bedroom?

Okay, you can take their room if you want.

No, thank you. I'll sleep over here.

- See you in the morning. - Okay.

- Thanks, Messer. - Okay.

Anyone call?

Just their lawyer.

He's coming over now. He wants to talk to us.

I'm sure this is a very difficult time for you, obviously.

Everyone at the firm, we will miss Peter very much.

Now, you must have many questions.

Well, Sophie. I think that's who we're both thinking of.

- Yes. - What will happen to her now?

Okay, well, I have already arranged for her transfer.

The foster family she was with will bring her to CPS.

They feel she'll adjust best in her own environment...

...so first she needs to be picked up and brought here.

Okay, and who does that?

I'm sorry, did Alison and Peter

talk to you about their guardianship arrangements?

- No. - No.

Well, in preparing their will,

we talked about who would take care of Sophie...

...in the unlikely event that they should both die...

...and they named you.

Both of you.

- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.

They picked us together?

I'm sure this isn't exactly how you wanted to start a family.

There's been a misunderstanding. We are not married.

No, no no. They tried to set us up on a blind date,

and we never made it to the restaurant.

- I don't even know if you'd call it a date. - He was such a dick.

I know this is overwhelming.

Okay, and believe me, I tried to advise them against it.

But there are options. You can say no.

Because this is a big deal. This is a child.

Big commitment.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Sorry. - Options.

You mentioned that there were some other options?

Yes. We have Peter's father.

- Oh. Perfect. He'd be perfect, I think. - There you go.

And there's a few cousins.

- You know what, I'm sorry, can I stop you there? - Cousins are always...

Yeah.

What if one of us, on our own, by ourselves...

...chose to honor Alison and Peter's wishes on our own?

Or both of us, hypothetically.

They named you, so I just set up a court hearing...

...to grant you temporary custody, and that's it.

Now, the finances...

...the estate will cover the mortgage, but that's about it.

They didn't have much in the way of savings.

They bought this house as an investment

after Alison's mother passed away.

But, you know, let's not get ahead of ourselves, okay?

Let's just focus on Sophie.

- Yes. - Right.

So I suggest the two of you

move in here in the interim, for Sophie.

You want us to live together?

Yeah. For Sophie, for now.

Until you decide what you wanna do.

But it's best.

Okay. Sign here, Ms. Berenson.

And here, Mr. Messer.

- Thank you. - Oh, there she is.

Hi, sweet girl.

Oh, honey, it's so good to see you.

I know, I know.

I know. Hey, look. Hey, look.

You want Uncle Messer? Here. There's Uncle Messer.

Oh, God. Okay. We should get her home.

They definitely didn't think this through.

We need to establish a sleep schedule.

- It's very important. - What?

I guess.

- What did you say? - I said they didn't think this through.

Did Peter say anything to you? Or Alison?

- 'cause they didn't tell me anything. - Nope.

This is not the kind of thing you forget to mention.

"Hey, Mess, you see that game where Kobe put the juke on that dude...

...then hit the fadeaway jumper?

Oh, and by the way, if I die, I'm gonna leave you with my kid."

- It's messed up. - Alison was a planner.

We are part of a plan.

You wanna walk me through this plan?

Are we supposed to live in this house together?

Share the place, both sleep-deprived?

Because I sounds like a compelling psych experiment.

Assuming you and I can even afford to pay for this place.

Dunn said the mortgage is covered.

Well, what about the upkeep? Or the utilities or the taxes?

You have any idea what the nut on the place like this?

Peter was a junior partner at a law firm.

I don't make this kind of cash.

And what do you do? You bake scones for a living?

I run a successful business, my sir. I do pretty well actually.

Yeah? Well, running a baby is not like running a bakery.

I didn't say it was.

They're a mess. They pee on things.

They bite. They're basically dogs.

Except at least a dog knows not to lick the electrical sockets.

She's up. She's up.

- Okay, honey. Hey. Hi. - Hey. Hey, look at the sleepyhead.

- Hi, honey. - Here we go.

Hey, come here.

- No, no, don't pick her up. - Why?

Because she needs to learn how to self-soothe.

- She needs to what? - Self-soothe. Soothe herself.

I just read it, Messer. It's important.

Let's just give it a minute.

Everything's okay. Happy, happy girl.

You know what? Let's just sing a song. We'll sing a song.

The wheels on the bus go round and round

Round and round Round and round

The wheels on the bus go round and round

All through the town

The-- I don't know.

- And then Keanu Reeves saves the bus - Nice.

Saves the bus Saves the bus

And then Keanu Reeves saves the bus

- And then he dies - That's all I got.

Does he die? I don't know.

Okay. Maybe she's hungry.

I think she's hungry. I'm gonna feed her.

Come on, let's go eat. Come on.

I thought we weren't picking her up.

Okay, Sophie girl, I'm almost done, hold on.

She's not a food critic. She's a 1-year-old.

I'm not gonna feed her just anything.

We're gonna feed you something today, Sophie, I promise.

Hopefully before you're 2.

So tell me,

what does Sophie do to your dreams of ever meeting a guy...

...and having your own baby? Thought about that?

A woman your age already has a hard time

competing for the few guys who don't suck.

I'm sorry, did you just say a woman my age?

In the dating world, you wouldn't be considered single.

You know what you'd be? Complicated. Beyond complicated.

You don't know anything about me, Messer.

Well, I know that you can't open a childproof drawer.

Oh. There it is.

Why are you trying so hard to convince me not to help her?

I'm not trying to. I'm just trying to do what's best for her.

You're trying to do what's best for you.

I'm trying to do what's best for her.

OK. You know what. We're not it.

They loved Sophie

more than anything in the entire world and out of everyone.

Messer, they picked us.

They picked us.

I'm coming.

Check this out. I think you're gonna love it.

Taste sensation. Ready?

No? Come on. Just try it, Soph.

Just try it. I think you're gonna love it.

Just try it.

Come on, Soph, give it a try.

Oh, please? I've seen you eat things like this.

I think you're gonna love it. Come on.

Mmm. Mmm. Yum, yum, yum.

There you go. Good girl, Soph--

So you honestly think we're the best thing for her?

- Well, it was a beautiful service. - Yeah.

- I did not know that's how they met. - Oh, that story about Paris?

- Are you kidding me? - Yeah.

What is gonna happen with the baby? Do we know?

- Oh, yeah, you didn't hear? - No.

They named one of their friends, yeah. The single girl who bakes.

And the super-hot one that always smells,

like, so good and sweaty.

- That guy. - That's interesting. So he'll be around.

"Good"? What do you mean, "Good and sweaty"?

Mom, thank you for being here.

I couldn't have done it without you.

You're welcome, honey.

Do you mind watching her for another minute?

- I gotta talk to Messer. It's family members. - Okay.

Mess.

There's a lot of them.

Well, we just need to find one.

So I understand you're Peter's cousins?

Hey, don't climb on that. Hey, hey.

- Who is that, Tyler? - Mason.

Mason, take a seat right now. Let's go.

- Eight kids. - Eight kids? You guys have eight kids?

- Nine, dear. - Nine, right. Baseball team.

- I had to come for Alison. - Yeah, thank you.

- And I was on tour through Atlanta, so.... -Oh, on tour.

Are you performing anywhere that I would know?

I'm dancing at Juggles tonight...

...and then Bush League Thursday through Monday.

Oh, how exciting. That's really exciting. Yeah.

It's really good for Sophie to get to see her grandfather.

She looks just like Peter.

I think she looks just like you.

So you have a house in Miami now?

Yeah, because we, you know, were hoping...

...given that Sophie is your only grandchild, that....

Well, it seems to make the most sense that you'd be--

Okay, okay, okay.

Sophie, no, no, no. Over here.

Oh, I am so sorry. Okay.

You okay? Okay.

- Good as new. - Still breathing.

Well, we could go with the nine-kids family.

I mean, they clearly know how to keep a child alive.

Stripper seemed nice.

And the grandpa's a definite no?

We're screwed.

Next case, the matter of Sophie Novak, Index Number 05893-01.

All right.

I've read your submissions, along with the will.

Given that you folks were named as guardians...

...I see no reason to countermand the parents' wishes.

However, permit--

- Just leave it. - No, no.

- They're gonna get ground into the carpet. - Guys, guys, okay.

Let's leave the Goldfish. What do you say we stand up?

- Okay. Okay. - Stand up. Leave them.

Sorry.

- I'll pick these up. - Just...

Until that time, I hereby

grant joint legal and physical custody...

...of Sophie Christina Novak to Holly Berenson and Eric Messer.

That's it? You're not gonna ask us anything?

How do you know we're not dealers or pimps?

- Are you drug dealers or pimps? - No, ma'am. No.

Let's go.

Boom. "Done, next case.

Here, take a kid. No, take two, we got extra."

Where is that stupid duck that she loves that drives me crazy?

I don't get it, man. I've been good. Some chick says:

"Messer, you can forget the condom,"

I say no, and I still end up with a kid.

We need to figure out a schedule. I need to work tomorrow.

- Do you smell that? - What?

Oh, maybe she finally pooped.Did she?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think she--

What? It's not that bad.

Oh, Soph.

- It's a weird smell, right? - Okay.

Go ahead.

What? Why me? Because I'm the girl?

- Yeah. - No. Uh-uh.

I am not changing diapers for the next two years.

- Get in there. -Okay, fine. Easy. It's not that....

Something you can take off the checklist. Check.

What are you doing?

I don't know. It's not a bra that I'm taking off a chick,

it's a diaper taking off a baby.

- It's not rocket science. - Is there a box I can read?

Just take the tabs off.

See those little tabs? Undo them.

Oh, God. Don't do that. You're gonna make me throw up.

It's like Slumdog Millionaire in there.

You're gonna make me throw up.

She didn't eat enough to produce that.

- She's getting it in her toes. - Okay, give me the wipes.

Give me another one.

Hurry. Get it out of her toes.

What, it's like a poop suit.

Oh, I got it.

Messer. Don't leave me in here.

Oh, God.

Oh, it's burning my eyes.

I'm getting the feeling this is a reconnaissance mission.

No one else is thinking that.

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

- Hi. - Hello.

- Surprise. - The athlete.

- Yeah, how's it going? - My Two Dads.

- What's up, buddy? - Here comes the block.

What's going on?

Just, you know, bringing you some covered dishes and whatnot.

New parents, gotta stock the fridge.

One, two, three.

Just because. Ha, ha!

- Come on in. - Oh, how unexpected.

Hope it's not a bad time.

Okay. Look at that, all clean.

Hey, the neighborhood watch is here. They brought us some--

What? She's perfect, no thanks to you.

Holly, you have a--

Save it, Messer. You big coward.

Okay. Come on.

- Hey. - What a surprise.

Hey, guys, we weren't expecting you.

What a surprise.

What?

Sweetie, you have shit on your face.

- So.... - Yeah.

- Who's hungry? - I am.

- This one. - Should we dive in?

- You got a little more, on the right. - Just shut up.

- Okay. - I swear.

I'm just trying to help.

You guys doing okay? You look a little tired.

That would be the not sleeping.

- Doesn't show. - You don't look tired.

Don't worry, because you're not gonna sleep for 1 0 years.

Surprise.

And you're never gonna get used to children's music.

- Oh, God. - No.

If l knew where The Wiggles lived,

and I'm working on it...

I would murder them with an AK-47.

- I'm very serious. - No new parents--

I don't think any of us knew what we were doing.

- Not a clue. - Not a clue.

I mean, we had nine months to get ready

and we still screw up about half the time.

- He sure does. - No, I said "We," Actually.

Do you know what? I'm gonna get real serious.

You gotta get two things straight.

One, get a sitter.

- And a backup. - Absolutely.

- Yeah. - Next, important:

You can never have enough paper towels.

And don't shop at shop now.

They're always out of milk and don't carry unscented wipes.

When you order Motrin, get the dye-free.

Oh, no BPAs. Sippy cups, any plastics.

You don't want those chemicals.

Alison wanted Sophie to go to Big Wagon Preschool...

...so you may wanna think about making donations.

Like, yesterday.

Okay, maybe we should start to write this down.

One bite, one bite, one bite.

- The week. - Can't do that.

- You're writing my name. - I already did--

There we go. Okay, Sophie girl.

Your bath time, your bath time.

Oh! Okay, get the baby.

- Your bath time, your bath time. - All right.

All right, how about that?

No?

How about this one?

No?

Patterson with the turnaround.

Yeah!

What? You wanna watch something else?

He shoots--

No, come on, missed the....

It's time to wiggle.

There we go.

You okay? You okay? Good. Okay. I'm sorry.

Please?

- She's making the poop face. - What do you mean?

Poop face. Oh, God, she's gonna poop in the tub.

Hurry up, hurry up. She's gonna poop on me.

- I don't know how to do this. - She's gonna poop on me.

You know what? Move, move.

Let me do it. Here. Just take her. I got it.

- Come on. I hate this thing. - There's a latch. Pull the lever--

Okay. Don't start. Sorry.

No, no, no, not the hat.

Oh, my God, that's my hat.

That's my-- I've had that hat since high school.

- I'll wash it. - Oh, yeah. Oh, it's funny.

Yeah, laugh it off. Laugh it off.

Okay, that's real funny.

Oh, God.

Um, I think we should just....

- Hey, what is that? - What?

That lump. What's that?

- That's her bellybutton. - No, it's not.

That wasn't there. That was not there a few days ago.

It's just an outie, isn't it?

No, it's not an outie.

I don't think.

How does this...?

What are these numbers on here? What does that mean?

Why is this...?

No one's gonna steal a stroller.

We can't afford to be snobby.

It's our biggest event.

Bring out all the crowd pleasers.

Anything wrapped in bacon, and the mushroom vol-au-vent.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

- I gotta call you back. - Holly.

Free-Range Turkey.

- Dr. Free-Range Turkey. - Yes, Sam. I remember.

I heard about the accident.

I am so sorry about your friends.

Thank you.

Hey, you left me a half-message,

only it was the half without your number.

Yeah, something-- Someone came up.

- How we doing? - It's all right, sweetheart.

Is she sleeping okay? Regular bowel movements?

Not at first, but now very regular.

But she does have this protrusion on her stomach.

I don't know, you know, what it is.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to look for.

I don't really know anything about kids.

Alison was the first of my friends to have a baby...

...and she was amazing with Sophie.

And she would be the first person

I would call about this, you know?

I mean, she was the first person

I called about everything and....

God. It is killing me.

It is killing me right now

that I can't call my friend.

She just....

And I'd really like to say, "What the hell were you thinking?

You could've left me your pearls or YSL clutch.

I mean, this is a little much.

It's really, really hard, and I don't know what I'm doing."

I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm sorry.

No, I think you're doing pretty well, considering.

Sophie's got an umbilical hernia.

It's nothing to worry about.

Most go away on their own. We'll watch it.

Then I didn't do it?

No, you did not do it.

Okay.

I thought you said it goes away on its own.

That's for you.

"One bottle of Pinot Noir, one to two glasses as needed."

Or white. Same dosage, though.

Look, what you're doing is pretty incredible.

Give yourself a break every now and again.

- Thank you. - I'll have my nurse set you up in a week?

- Okay. - All right.

Bye, Sophie. You're gonna be okay.

- Nice to see you. - You too, really.

So I'm at the drugstore...

...and it dawns on me that women stare at men carrying a baby...

...like a guy will stare at a woman with a great rack.

You know what I just realized today?

I am never gonna take a great bath in this house.

This is a shower house. You never brush your hair, do you?

It must save so much time. That's so handy.

How's that wine treating you?

- Did you want some? - No, no, no.

Because I can share. I'm a good sharer.

No, you don't need any, because you never worry.

That's what Alison told me, you know, when she set us up.

She said, "Honey, you just got

your ass dumped by your boyfriend of three years.

You need to go have a good time." And then, ta-da, you show up.

Your charming self shows up...

...and you don't even wanna go to the restaurant.

My first date in three years,

and it's a total asshole at the door.

And now I'm raising a kid with that asshole.

God, the irony.

Come on, off to bed. Up, up, up.

You are, you know that, right? An asshole?

It feels good to say that to your face.

Been saying it behind your back for years.

A belligerent drunk. Great.

That'll be a fun next 18 years.

Everybody thinks I'm a fun drunk.

Someone's at the door. Who is it?

It's probably a neighbor.

- Yes? - Hi, I'm Janine Groff.

Your caseworker from Social Services.

Yeah.

You were told we'd be making a few unannounced visits.

Yeah, well, this is definitely unannounced.

- Just give me one minute. - May I come in? No?

- Who is that? - Social Services.

You got five minutes to shower...

...and start acting like the

responsible pain you've been since we moved in.

- Okay. - Go, go, go.

Upstair-- Upstairs. Your room is up here, remember?

- I'm sorry. - Go, go, go.

- I'm going. Stop pushing me. Don't push. - Just-- I didn't....

You sure you don't wanna see the garage again?

Nope, twice is my limit.

I have a whole area of tools you didn't even get a chance to see.

I'm good. I'm usually wrapping up by now and--

Hello. I'm so sorry. I had to get the little one down.

And you can see why.

Take your eyes off her for one minute and, zoom!

You know? Just "Tee-tee-tee-tee-tee" On her little legs.

Okay, well, let's get started, then.

Okay, so let's just talk.

You know, I just wanna

get a sense of the both of you, your plans.

Where do you see yourselves in five years?

- Ask me. I know. Great answer. - You don't--

No, I'm good, I'm good.

I own a small gourmet-food store,

soon to be a small gourmet restaurant.

We're expanding.

New flooring, I'm thinking hexagonal tile.

New flooring. That's part of everyone's five-year plans.

Flooring, right?

Anyway, I'm also hoping someday to have my own frozen-food line.

Organic. But that's the 10-year plan.

You asked about the five-year.

Oh, God, l didn't include Sophie.

- You didn't. - Let me just take it back.

She is a big part of my plan.

That's fine. Thank you.

- Okay. - Eric.

- Yep, Eric's good. Eric will be fine. - Okay, Eric.

Well, I'm the technical director on all Hawks broadcasts.

- Okay. - Yeah.

So, what does the technical director do?

Well, when the director says,

"Ready, go Camera 1 ," I'm the guy that--

- I push the button that goes Camera 1 . - He pushes the button.

And I guess in a couple years...

...when the boss gets kicked upstairs

or gets pinched with a tranny hooker...

...I'll get my shot in the director's chair.

Okay. So Mr. Dunn tells me that you're both single...

...and presently not engaged in a relationship.

- Not sleeping together? - God, no.

- Okay, good. - Oh, my God, no.

- No, no, no. - Not a chance.

Okay, that's great, because this situation...

...two single people living under the same roof...

...raising a recently orphaned child,

well, it's complicated enough...

...without the added complication of, you know, that.

Oh, trust me, Janine,

we will not be complicating anything with that.

Yeah, I get plenty of that elsewhere.

- I'd get plenty of that in my day as well. - Way back in the day.

Listen.

You two both seem like two sweet, doe-eyed people...

...about to have the worst year of your lives.

I'll be honest with you.

Wanna make jokes about tranny hookers?

Go for it, I don't care.

You have no idea the types of families that I deal with.

Tranny hookers? They're my good cases.

The only obstacle here is you two...

...and whether or not you're both cut out to be parents.

What we want to avoid is

Sophie losing more people that she's close to.

You know, your friends

thought you could do this, but I'll be honest...

...I'm not so sure.

How can I be hung-over if I haven't even gone to sleep yet?

Look, all we have to do is put her down. We just gotta put her--

She's not warm. She doesn't have a fever. She's just overtired.

What time is it?

It's okay, Soph. Come on, honey.

I don't know. Start wearing a watch.

There's gotta be somebody we can call, right?

- Hey, thank you for coming over. - It's okay.

Sorry about your dad. He's a pretty scary dude, huh?

- Come here, Sophie. - The baby whisperer.

- It's okay. - Yeah.

Thank you, Amy.

I don't know why, but this fan always helps.

- Beats having to take her for a drive. - Yeah.

Anyway, big math test tomorrow, so....

Give her some money.

Oh, Amy, Amy.

It's okay. Doesn't feel right to take it anymore.

Okay.

- Give her the money. - No, I insist.

- Thank you so much. - Thank you.

- Good luck on your math test. - Okay, bye-bye.

- Oh, thank God. Whew. - I know.

- Oh, no. - No, no, no.

Too close. You're holding her too--

Look, you're gonna chop her head off.

- That's what the babysitter was doing. - She wasn't.

No, she was soothing her down here.

We're gonna go for a drive. We're gonna drive around the block.

- Just go. Just go. - Nice and quick. Nice and quick.

All right, we're just gonna go for a ride around the block.

We'll get back in time for the game, huh?

Hi.

Mm-hm. Absolutely. Yeah, I'm on my way now. Okay.

Yeah, really, thank you so much. All right, bye-bye.

Yes!

Yes. Burke's out,

and I finally got the call to direct today's game.

Today is my Riverside event.

- I told you. - You never told me that.

You just don't listen to women who won't sleep with you.

See it there on the board? I'll be home at 7:30.

Come on, I can't. There are no kids in the booth.

- Come on, work with me here. - It's on the board.

You have any idea how big a game this is?

The Hawks are a game out of the eighth seed in the East.

- Don't walk out that door. - You're speaking Mandarin.

I've been planning this for months.

There are plenty of mommy and daddies who are in love with you.

Call them.

Hey, Beth. It's Messer, from a-- Yeah.

Hey, I was wondering if maybe

you guys could watch Sophie for a bit today.

I got a huge break.

I get to direct the Hawks game today.

Nope, Amy can't. She's got a big math test.

Yeah, I tried Josh and Beth too.

They're all busy. Bye-bye.

Son of a....

It's a healthier meal if you don't fry the shell.

You know what I'm saying?

I like my taco shells baked.

Yeah, I like them soft.

All right, thank you for the ride, Walter.

Well, you called, I came.

That's how a man makes his money, baby.

What's up with my floor seats?

I'm gonna give you two floor seats.

All you gotta do is keep that meter running for me.

- Okay. - My man.

- We making another stop, baby? - Yep.

- Okay. All right. - Just not yet.

Not yet, not yet. the baby's in here.

You left the baby...you left the baby!

You left the baby! you left the baby... you left the baby.

You left your baby.

Look, Walter, please, I got no choice.

I need your help, as a friend.

No, no, no. you can't leave me with your baby.

Are you on crack? I could be the baby cab killer.

I know all about you, man.

I know you keep a clean cab, you drive the speed limit...

...and you got three kids you love to death.

You know why? because they're my kids.

I hate other people's kids.

that's your baby in there.

Whatever the meter is, triple it.

You'll be the best-paid babysitter in the state.

Please.

What if she wakes up?

She's not gonna wake up, I pro... Oh!

Look. It's her ducky.

ln case of an emergency.

Better not be no emergencies.

- There won't be. - Better not!

The final seconds of this first half....

Ready Camera 3. and go 3.

feeding it off, and the basket....

Simon, give me the scoring leaders, please.

No one's ever said "Please" to me before.

- Who's calling? - It's the new sitter.

The baby woke up! the baby woke up.

Hey, there's this great game going on. you should check it out.

Cameras 4 and 6,

4 ready by the ball, 2 by the basket.

Okay, sniff her butt. see if she needs to be changed.

I'm not sniffing this baby's booty.

Man, what are you feeding this girl?

It's like a dirty bomb.

It's like eggs and peanut butter.

l'll be down at halftime.

Halftime? are you crazy?

Halftime!

Okay, okay, okay, here we go, man. Okay, okay. Oh, my God!

Okay. Okay. all right. all right, we're halfway there, Walter.

- All right, here we go. - No, no, no.

No, please, listen. Walter, please.

Know what? here. take the whole wallet.

l don't want your wallet.

You know what I want?

I want a nice, comfy seat inside......next to some big-screen TVs..

No kids in the booth. I'm sorry. you gotta sit out here.

- Baby wanna see game? - Baby doesn't wanna.

Wanna see game?

Baby wanna see game.

Hey, everybody.

This is Sophie and her nanny, Walter.

Say hi.

All right, here you go.

Big cushy chair, new monitors. drinks are in the fridge.

No beer till after the game, okay?

Nice.

I never seen a game like this before. now we're talking.

- So you're good? - l'm good.

All right.

All right, people, second half. let's do this.

- Did you get him through a service? - Uh, yep.

He's your cab driver, isn't he?

Twenty seconds to go, Hawks down by 1 .

No doubt they'll play for the last shot.

All right, Camera 4, stay with Johnson.

Liz, tell Camera 4 to stay with Johnson. come on.

l can barely hear you, Messer.

A foul? come on, man!

Okay, ready Camera 6.

Walter, she's crying.

I know, l'm trying to watch the game.

You are the worst babysitter of all time.

Because I'm not a babysitter.

Do something. please, I'm dying over here.

All right, Camera 2, stay with Bibby Johnson.

All right, stay with the shooter on Camera 2...

No, I mean, Camera 1 .

Stay on 1 , 1 , 1 .

Camera 2, stay with the... Camera 1...

Alley-oop, and the Hawks win.

Unbelievable play by Atlanta. Hawks win by 1 .

Hands down, the best game of the year.

Too bad you all couldn't see it.

But I'm a creep

I'm a weirdo

- What the hell...? - What are you singing to her?

Everybody likes Radiohead.

Do you mind?

What the hell am I doing here?

I don't belong here

See?

Told you it works.

Would it kill you to...?

Would it kill you to brighten the mood around here?

- Yeah, it might. - Come on.

Why should I pretend to be happy?

I'm miserable. let me be miserable.

- lt's depressing. - l don't care.

Know what? I am so sick of all your dark little comments.

I ruined my life for her.

I'm so sorry parenting

isn't as fun as you thought it was gonna be.

Yeah, you're happy because your old life sucked.

- My old life didn't suck. - It did.

My life was great.

I was my own boss,I made my own hours.

I had free time.

To do what? Bake more?

You have no idea what a great life is.

I had a great life. I went to games for a living.

Okay? girls would buy me drinks and throw themselves at me.

You see this shirt? I slept with the girl who sold me this shirt.

You're disgusting.

People say you can't have it all. I had it all. It was awesome.

Of course you think that's awesome,

because all you care about is getting laid.

Even Peter was embarrassed by you.

He just never said anything to your face because he was twice the man you are.

You should get laid yourself.

Except to have sex...

...you gotta find somebody who can stand you first.

Fuck you.

You shouldn't ride a motorcycle.

Your kid's parents died...

She is not my kid.

She's not my kid.

Then whose kid is she?

We'll do this again. One, two--

I'm sorry, Messer.

- l didn't mean it. - lt's all right.

You know, I broke my back when I was 1 7. I was almost paralyzed.

And Pete spent that whole summer with me in my room...

...watching movies every day.

All my friends went out to the beach or went off to chase girls...

...but he just sat there with me the whole time.

I can't leave him alone when he needs me.

Even if he's gone.

I dug up some of their old home movies because, you know, l was just....

I just wanted to hear their voices, see them a minute, you know?

And l found this one, and you've gotta see this.

Pretty great, huh?

I went with the lavender and then the blue sky,

like we talked about.

When did you paint this room?

I did it when you were at the hospital.

You were supposed to do it three days ago.

It smells like paint fumes in here.

It's been drying for 12 hours.

It has not been drying long enough.

You're getting so critical.

She can't sleep in the bedroom tonight.

It's not even wet.

I wouldn't bring a baby into a wet room.

Of course it's not wet,

but you think it doesn't smell for days afterwards?

It doesn't. It's totally aired out.

You know how much work I put into this?

You didn't do any of this.

When have you painted a cloud in your life?

l oversaw the work that was being done.

You oversaw it?

The one thing you said you would do, you oversaw?

I got creative. the guy came in,

and I said, "Let's do the clouds."

This is ridiculous. she can't sleep here.

Of course she can.

Move the crib.

This is her room. where else...

So you're saying it's okay that we're horrible parents...

...and wanna kill each other half the time.

Two-thirds, actually.

I think we have to just stop trying to fit ourselves into their lives.

You know, I hate this place. It's like a mausoleum in here.

You know, there's pictures of them everywhere.

And l really hate that cowboy painting.

He's really creepy, right?

Yeah. I want it out.

If we're gonna live here,

we have to stop tiptoeing around...

...like they're coming back soon. They're not coming back.

This side has to... no.

- That good right there? - No.

- Looks good right there. - Okay, like that.

Morning, Messer.

Morning...

Jill.

Oh, and thank you for dinner.

- And next time it's my treat. - Oh, God.

Right foot, left foot. Right foot, left foot.

- Let's see some walking. - Would you stop that?

She'll walk when she's got somewhere to go, all right?

All the books say she should be walking or talking by now...

...and she's not doing either.

All the books also say that you should be married with 2.2 kids...

...and look at your life.

That poor girl thinks that she's going to dinner with you.

What's the alternative? "Bye, l'll never see you again"?

- That would be mean. - Where do you meet these women?

I mean, if you're not with me and Sophie, you're at work.

- l have my methods. - Huh. interesting.

Switch it up. there we go. Oh, there it is.

Okay. Oh, like a rubber band.

- Limbering up? - How you doing, good-looking?

Oh, right back at you.

- Hey, big man. - Hey, Ted.

- Hey, you see that game last night? - Which game?

Oh, my God.

I didn't mean to scare you.

l didn't know you were a runner.

We should train together. Yeah.

Well, l like to use this time to think.

Oh, yeah, me too. I like to think.

Is this the pace we're gonna keep up? It's a little brisk.

l still don't understand all these extra costs.

The job's been more complicated than we anticipated.

Oh, more complicated than anticipated, yeah.

My life has been more complicated than anticipated.

I didn't anticipate somebody handing me a baby...

- Ms. Berenson? - Yes?

Ah. Sorry. Hello, lady. What you doing?

Can you just give me one minute?

Hey, Lonnie? Keep a better eye on her.

She's crawling around back there.

- lt's a construction site. - A baby that crawls?

- Just take her. - l can't. doing something.

- Please. - Can't. Big basket.

Can you help me out? -

You look beautiful with the baby, though.

Doesn't she look good with...?

That's a beautiful baby. like an accessory.

Smooth.

Go, Wonder Pets. Yay!

Wow, that was a really good episode.

What I like about Ming-Ming is that even though they lost the game...

...she really learned something valuable about teamwork, you know?

I didn't see that one coming. How about...?

Holly. stay right... You stay right...

Holly, Holly, Holly! She's standing!

She's about to walk! Get down here!

- What? Now? - Hurry up!

She can't walk now! she can't walk now!

She's about to. get down here.

Okay, wait. stay right there.

- Wait, l'm coming. - Hurry up!

She's walking! hurry up!

Stall her. I'm coming.

l'm coming! Just stall her. sttall her!

l can't... How do you want me to stall her?

- How do l stall her? - Just stall her!

Don't you take that step. Please, don't take...

What do you want me to...?

Ow! Oh, God, oh, God, I'm coming.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, l'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Okay. What did you do?

You told me to stall her, so l just-- I gave her a little shove.

I asked you to stall her, Messer, not traumatize her.

- Now she'll never walk. - Okay, this is not my fault.

What did the bad man do, huh?

Pretty sure it was your fault.

Hold on. Okay, go ahead.

- Are those homemade noodles? - Yes.

She's the only person who doesn't like my cooking.

Now it's personal.

Come on.

One bite.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I did it! She ate it!

She ate my cooking, she ate my cooking, she ate my cooking!

I'm that good.

- Oh, my God. - What?

This is why you are always so happy to run to the store.

This is where you pick up women. You use Sophie to get laid.

She's gotta pay back somehow. Isn't that right?

No free lunch, right, Soph?

I wanna see it.

- See what? - I wanna see you work your Messer magic.

You want me to pick you up? Here?

Yes. I want you to loop around and pretend l'm one of those gym girls.

I'm not gonna pretend to pick you up.

- l wanna get home. - Uch. You're such a killjoy.

You know what? I read about these.

They're really good for kids, but l can't...

- How do you pronounce it? "Acyi?? -"Acyi?"

"Acyi?"

You must really have an ear for languages, huh?

No, not really.

I took Spanish all through high school.

I did pretty well. got good grades.

Oh, you're good. you're very good.

- You see that? - l see how this works for you.

Holly?

Oh! It's Sam. It's Sophie's doctor, Sam.

- Sam? you call him Sam? - Hey, Sophie.

- Dr. Nelson. - Hi. Sam.

Hey, l'm Messer. nice to meet you.

Messer, nice to meet you too.

- ls this your...? - No, no, no.

- No. - We're not.... We just....

Sounds complicated.

- We raise Sophie together. - Yes.

You know, Holly's mentioned how much she really likes Sophie's doctor...

...A few times, actually.

So l thought she meant you were good with kids, but now...

Can you just walk away? can you just give me a minute?

- l'm all right here. - Give me a minute. Thank you.

Sometimes Sophie is more of a grown-up.

So how's this work between you two?

You split up most of the work?

Yes. We have charts. a very big chart.

- Chart? - Yeah.

That chart give you any time off?

Yes, Monday, Wednesday and every other Friday.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

- Will you have Sophie this Friday? - No.

- Eight o'clock Friday? - Great.

- My office has your information? -They sure do.

- l'll call you up. - Perfect. Okay.

You are so right, this is such a great place to meet people.

What time does Dr. Love get here?

Any minute. stop calling him that.

I can't believe he asked you out.

Doesn't that defy some doctor-patient thing?

He's a pediatrician, so if

he's dating a patient, there'd be a problem.

If you have sex, is he gonna tell you what percentile you're at?

- Hi. - Hey. Wow, you look....

Oh, l'd better not say anything.

Best to keep a couple of cards off the table.

-Hey, Messer. -Hey. How you doing, doc?

-Thanks for giving her the night off. -All right.

You know, she tried on everything in her closet.

Pretty much impossible to blow this one.

Okay, Messer. We'll just go.

-She hasn't had any for a while... -Oh, my God, stop it.

Call me if you need me.

You know, if you wanted to kill me there were

dumpsters on my side of town that were a lot closer.

You don't like to be surprised, do you?

Well, l'm a little bit of a control freak, so....

- There we are. - Okay. Backstage at a concert.

- l'm just not that cool. - No?

We're not going to Aerosmith or Justin Bieber?

This is...

Le Mare.

The owner and executive chef has three girls, so....

- You treat Phillipe Le Mare's kids? - l do.

- Oh, my God. - Dr. Nelson.

- Phillipe. - Sam, hey. Phillipe Le Mare.

- Such a pleasure. - No, no, pleasure's mine.

Special setup right here. Come on.

So how are the beautiful girls?

They're very healthy. They have a good doctor.

You know, I don't do a lot of dinner dates, really.

What about you?

No? You know what?

Why don't we just relax

and get to know each other? What do you say?

So you live around here?

Upstairs?

I just live right around the corner in the TV room.

You know, I knew l'd seen you somewhere around here.

Excellent choice in the crushed watermelon, by the way.

I'm sorry if l'm a little nervous.

It's just that l don't usually meet babies like you.

To be honest, l...

Well, l like older women.

Well, not that much older.

You are getting warmer, kiddo.

l can't believe you've never come here.

l never used to eat out much.

My ex-wife, she would cook, so we stayed home a lot.

- You were married? - You like how l snuck that in there?

Mm. Clever.

-l'm so sorry. I thought l turned it off. -That's okay.

Messer, l get one night off.

Look, l'm not calling for you, I'm calling for Dr. Love.

Okay. All right, hold on.

I'm sorry, he wants to talk to you. It must be a Sophie question.

Hey.

It could be a couple things.

Take her down to the ER at St.Augustus.

It's Friday, so Dr. Mooney's on call.

I'll tell him you're on your way. You won't have to wait.

We'll see you there in about an hour.

Okay. Sophie's temperature spiked.

They're gonna need an hour, so l was hoping...

We gotta go.

Or we could go.

Great. Thank you.

So Sophie's got a urinary-tract infection.

We're gonna put her on an antibiotic drip.

That gets the medication into her system a bit faster.

I'll stop back by first thing in the morning and check up on her.

- Thanks. - Thank you so much.

Yeah, l was kind of looking forward to dropping you home.

I had rehearsed this whole thing in my mind.

That was even better than l rehearsed it.

- l'll call you later. - Okay.

Thank you again.

Hey, her temp's coming down.

Clothes, daycare, monthly food bill...

and now a $1 200 bill from the emergency room.

If something happens to the car,

one of us is gonna sell a kidney.

Having a kid is expensive. We talked about that.

Having kids and an expanding shop, it's a bit much.

Where'd you get the flowers?

Oh. Sam sent them today. I haven't even called him back yet.

I mean, how can I? I'm a disaster.

I can't be this girl on the second date.

This is what you save for marriage. Like 10 years in.

Don't stress about the money. We'll be fine.

I'll just call Lonnie and we'll patch up the wall...

and maybe in a few years, we can rebuild it or something.

Wait, so you're gonna pull the plug on the remodel?

I can't increase the construction loan. It's okay, you know?

I'll just have a shop and not a restaurant. It's fine.

It'll be okay.

You know, I can give you the money.

-l have savings. -No. No, I can't let you do that.

-l would never take your savings. -l want to.

We're raising a kid together. We have this house together.

This is just part of it.

Look, having somebody help you doesn't mean that you failed.

It just means that you're not in it alone.

Okay, but it can't be a gift.

I won't take it unless it's an investment.

Fine. I'm an investor in Fraiche.

You're...

You're an investor in "Fraiche."

- "Fraiche." Sorry. - "Fraiche."

That entitles you to 2 percent of profits.

- Three percent. - Two.

And, hey, a discount on food and wine.

- Discount? - Ten percent.

- Fifteen percent. - Ten percent.

It's a great discount.

- Then you throw in dinner. - Oh, deal.

- All right. - Awesome. Okay.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much. That's huge.

Okay, dinner, tonight, on me. You and me.

Hello.

- You look so pretty. - Oh, thank you.

Oh, my God.

- Hey. - Hey.

So here are all the numbers.

My cell phone, his cell phone,

the restaurant and the pediatrician.

Yep.

You know you actually

have to leave the house for me to do my job?

- Yeah. - Yes.

- Okay. All right. - Okay. All right.

- Okay, have fun. - Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

This place is amazing, Holly.

I can't believe l haven't been here before.

Look at you. You're a kitchen ninja.

- You don't follow any kind of a recipe? - No.

This is the only place in life where l do not follow a plan.

You got under five minutes. No.

I was technically awake.

- Are you sure you wanna do this? - A bet's a bet. I can do this.

- You don't have to. - You know what l'm not sure about?

The helmet.It's lame. I want something with thunderbolts on it.

We're gonna pull out the choke.

-The what? - The choke.

- Okay. - All right?

Turn on the ignition, pull in the clutch.

Here. Hold that in. Hold that in.

- Okay. - Push the starter button.

All right, there we go.

All right, left hand is the clutch, right hand is the throttle.

- Okay. - All right, let's get your kickstand up.

Oh, l'm on a freaking motorcycle!

Easy there, Rain Man. We're not done? Now we're in first gear.

- Okay. - Hold that.

- Don't let go of that clutch till I get on... - Let go?

- Oh, my God. - No.

Oh, my God. Oh, Messer. Oh, Messer, I'm so sorry.

- No, it's okay. Are you all right? - Yeah, yeah.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Are you mad?

No, I'm just... I'm gonna sit down.

I thought you said, "Let go."

Do you want me to go talk to the bus driver maybe?

- God, l am so sorry, Messer. - Don't worry about it.

- l'm gonna pay for it, I promise. - l'm actually in awe.

You didn't even drive it a foot before you destroyed it.

- l feel so bad. I'm really sorry. - lt's fine. Okay?

It's just a bike.

Do you mean that, or are you just saying that...

because you think if l keep talking, you're gonna cry?

Get inside.

- Hi. - Hi.

I didn't wanna move her.

That's okay.

Amy, wait a second.

Here you go. Now, come on, no backsies.

-Thanks, Amy. -Thank you. Bye-bye. Have a good night.

I think you guys make a really cute couple.

She said the same thing about Taylor Swift and that Twilight kid.

Oh, my God, we're in their room.

It's not so scary.

- This room is beautiful. - Yeah.

- How come we haven't used it at all? - l have no idea.

What thread count are these sheets? Ooh!

You think they planned this?

What?

Us? No. No.

They tried that once before. We know how that worked out.

Well, l kind of get it now.

What, why they set us up?

Yeah, l never understood it before,

but now that I know you better...

I can see what Alison was thinking.

You have a lot in common with her.

- With Alison? - Yeah.

You'd think it would be Peter,

but it's her you remind me more of.

She was just so fun and easygoing, you know?

- l have a surprise. - What?

- Something I found earlier. - What?

- A little contraband. - Oh, my God, no.

- What do you mean, no? - We can't.

- Sophie is asleep in the next room. - She's asleep.

Come on, it'll help us stave off glaucoma.

- No. - Come on.

No. Absolutely not.

We cannot smoke that.

Don't.

- Why are you leaving them? - l'm just taking a few.

We're not gonna eat all these.

All right. Come on, let's go. What are we watching?

Jump in the car

And buckle up

You know there was five Wiggles originally?

I was the fifth Wiggle.

Jump in the car

Put on my seat belt

And we can ride the whole day long

- Oh! That's neat. How do you do that? - Like a wiggle.

- Am I doing it? Am l doing it? - That's good.

This is inappropriate for children.

The shining moon sees no sunlight

The sun sees no moonbeams

- So the moon and the sun are friends? - They're best friends.

They're in each other's dreams

What? Who?

- Hello? - That's the baby monitor.

Oh, where's the phone?

- l think it's the door. - l'll get the door.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Messer.

I hope this isn't too inconvenient a time.

No, no, no, this is perfect. Just give us one minute.

Actually, it's rather warm outside. I'd love to...

- Hey, Janine is here. - What? Now?

- God, that lady has the worst timing. - Come on.

You take Sophie. I'll clean upstairs, you clean downstairs.

- And get the illicit drugs. - Okay.

Okay, okay, okay. We didn't smoke it.

- l got a little carried away. - You ready? Okay.

- Where's Sophie? - Where's Sophie?

So...?

There we go. All right, there we go.

Well, you seem more settled in your roles.

Yeah, yeah. We have learned a lot.

And so has Miss Sophie. She's walking now.

So how are you two getting along? Is there any tension?

-Us? -Why would there be tension?

-Everything's fantastic. -Everything's all good, good, good.

Have you thought about how you're gonna make this work...

or what your plans might be together?

We hadn't really gotten that far. It's still pretty new.

And some things just happened with no plan at all.

Really? Because I kind of had a plan in mind.

Really? It just never occurred

to me that you had any interest in my plans.

How could you not know I wanted to plan with you?

Maybe I'm not as experienced a planner as you.

l think you're a good planner.

Oh, come on, people, you had sex.

We have no intention of letting

our personal lives affect our parenting, l promise.

You gonna get married?

This happened, what, six hours ago?

That's a little specific. I don't know if she...

What if it doesn't work out? Are you gonna sleep in the garage?

Sex in this situation, it's like termites.

It makes for a very unstable household.

You were supposed to be my easy case.

I got a nice coffee on the way here.

I thought, "Gonna deal with my easy case,

gonna make it like a little vacation. Yay!"

- Look, Janine, it... - Now, oh, my God.

We have one more meeting scheduled.

Before then, work out your personal issues.

Whether you decide to get engaged or pretend it never happened...

I don't care.

Just work your shit out, okay?

- Okay, okay. - Okay, okay.

- Do you mind if l snag a brownie? - Oh, God, no. No, no, no.

Oh, really, l'm so sorry.

It's a bad batch, and l'm a professional baker.

No, it's okay. Your house, your food.

Anyway, so l'm sorry. I'm out of here.

- Thank you. - l'm sorry.

- Are you...? - lt's okay. Thank you.

You're my last single friend.

Without you, I have no link to the outside.

Look, l don't know why we did it. We just... We just did.

Do you know what marriage is like? Imagine a prison.

- And then don't change anything. - We're not married.

You guys are raising a kid together.

That's the most married you can get.

Messer.

- Minute? - Oh, yeah.

So l gave you a nice big fat break.

That didn't go so well.

Should I learn my lesson with you,

or should l give you another shot?

Given a choice, I'd go with that one, the shot.

You get it better than just about anybody here.

Sports isn't just about stats and memorizing plays.

It's about insight, it's about feeling.

You got the talent, but you are all over the place.

I can be in one place, Alan.

- Can you? - Yeah.

Can you be in Phoenix?

A spot opened up directing for the Suns.

They called, asked who l thought was right for the job.

I'd like to tell them you.

Let me know.

Every time l think of you

I always catch my breath

And l'm still standing here and you're miles away

Somebody's getting along pretty good.

Mmm. Two cats in heat.

Ooh. Look at her. Frisky kitty.

That's too casual. I'll tell you this, they totally did it.

I don't think so. I honestly don't think so.

She bet me $400 that they were gonna sleep together by Labor Day.

That's why you're saying that.

l feel like l'm watching CSI: Relationship.

If me at any age of my life could see me,

he would kick my cat ass, you know that?

Uh-oh. Messer owes you a quarter, he does. He said a bad word.

Messer. I heard you lived around here.

Ben, hey.

Sweet move, landing Phoenix.

We're gonna miss you around the arena.

We're still talking about that.

Alan said it seemed like a done deal.

We're probably gonna be over at the band in a bit.

Meet you there.

Nice whiskers though.

What was that about?

Nothing. Come on, let's go, let's go.

Thank you.

Come on, Messer, out with it.

It's just something Alan and I talked about the other day.

He put me up for a directing job. It's....

- In Phoenix. - For the Suns.

Running their whole crew for the season.

You said no, though, right?

Well, I didn't wanna be rude

and just turn it down right on the spot.

So why didn't you tell me about it?

Because I didn't-- I don't know, I didn't want it to be a thing.

It's not like I can take it anyway.

- But you want to. - Well, of course I want to.

- It's a huge opportunity. - So you're thinking about it.

- No. - No?

No, I'm not thinking about it.

I don't understand why you didn't just mention it to me.

Because I didn't want you to get upset,

which you obviously are.

Why would I be upset if it's not even a possibility?

Know what, Mess?

Can you just stop with the food for one minute?

Can you just tell me honestly,

are you thinking about taking this job?

Yeah. I'm thinking about it.

This is something that I've been working for, okay?

I would've jumped at this opportunity before.

Before Sophie and before me?

I get it. Come on. Come here, bugaboo.

- Holly. Holl-- - Hey, bugaboos. Hello, bugaboos.

How was this gonna work exactly?

Were we gonna go with you, or were you gonna leave?

I don't know. I never had to think for three people.

I barely had to think for one. It's just a job offer, okay?

No, it's not, it's exactly

what you've been waiting for, a clean out.

- That's not true. - You have never wanted to be here.

And after everything, you still think of us as temporary.

You think that I'm not in this?

I gave up my place, I gave up my motorcycle,

I gave you money for your restaurant.

- I never asked you for money. - I did it to make you happy.

I gave up everything to play this frigging part.

"Play this part"?

That's what this is to you.

Well, we're living in their house,

we're sleeping in their bed, we're raising their kid.

We're acting like we're married, but we're not.

Have you been pretending with Sophie?

No, I love Sophie.

So just me, then.

You should take the job, Messer.

I know. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm coming, Soph. I'm coming, honey, hold on.

I knew you'd be up to your eyeballs in egg whites,

so I just grabbed her.

- Thanks. - There you go.

Good morning, Miss Soph. I missed you.

You slept so good last night. Can you say "Apple"?

Apple.

Banana.

Why do I always sound like Antonio Banderas when l do that.

Banana.

I'd love to sit and eat,

but I got the Finister twins coming in this morning...

...and if I'm even a minute late,

they will redecorate my waiting room, again.

I'll see you later?

Wait, take a muffin.

Thanks. Bye, Sophie.

- Bye. - Bye.

And the Phoenix Suns' Steve Nash to a....

Greg, ready that cutaway. Roll it.

Take it.

...Weirdo, what the hell am I doing here?

- Thanks. - Oh, look.

Oh, look at you. My goodness, you're getting so big.

- She's huge, right? - That iChat doesn't do her justice.

- "Messer." Can you say "Messer"? - Oh, good luck with that.

- Still no "Holly," Huh? - Nope.

You know what it's like to

be outranked by "Cup," "Pool," And "Giraffe"?

Okay, so we are all set for Monday.

Janine actually broke tradition and scheduled something.

So you really did kill the expansion, huh? That's too bad.

Yeah, we were like this before and we were fine, so....

All right, you ready?

See you.

- Have fun. - Okay.

- Hey, Mess? - Yeah?

I don't know if you have any plans or not...

...but, well, Sam and I are hosting a Thanksgiving dinner...

...and the neighbors are gonna be there.

They keep asking about you,

so I don't know, maybe you wanna join us.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

- Yeah, what the hell. - Okay.

- All right. You're cooking? - Yes.

- All right. I'll see you there. - Great.

Say goodbye. There we go.

You think?

You don't think it needs more nutmeg?

You are no help.

I'll get it.

Whoa, settle down.

- Hey. - Hi.

- Happy Thanksgiving. - Yeah, you too.

- I got you a little wine. - Thanks.

Nine bucks.

- Where's Soph? - She's back there.

- Okay. - Come on in.

Hey, sweetie.

- That was a wave to me. - Okay.

So, what else you maniacs been up to?

I'm gonna tell you

Gary and I are taking a couples' karate class.

Fun.

I just figure out

I'm not gonna be around to defend him all the time.

- Toughen him up. - Yeah.

What a great opportunity to get

to kick your spouse in the face once in a while...

...in a controlled setting where it's okay and it's expected.

Messer.

- Hey. How you doing, doc? - Good, good.

- Glad you could make it. - Appreciate that.

Although, technically, this is my house,

so I'm glad you could make it.

You know, I know this is a little weird.

- No, it's not weird. - It's a little weird.

The house, we're all a part of it, especially you.

Yeah, we're all fans of the house.

Hey, dinner today is a great way for us

to say goodbye, right?

Absolutely.

I'm sorry, am I missing something?

You're selling the house?

When were you gonna tell me about this?

After our meeting with CPS.

It's just too big, Messer.

The upkeep's a fortune. You know that.

- I'm paying my half. - I appreciate that,

but it's still not enough.

You should've asked me, Holly.

Oh, like you asked me about moving to Phoenix?

You're not selling the house.

They wanted her to grow up here.

What they wanted was you and I to raise her together,

but you walked away from that obligation.

You sure didn't waste any time finding somebody else

hold diaper bag, did you?

Oh, really? Are you gonna try to make me feel bad

because you walked away?

I do get you wanted to do it all on your own,

but you never could've done it without me.

That's why ten seconds after I was gone,

you found you self a Replacement Messer.

He is not Replacement Messer.

Sound really travels in here, don't you think?

You know what? He is nothing like you.

Sam is nothing like you.

He is warm and kind, and he

doesn't run away at the first sign of something real.

Yeah, I ran. My best friend died,

and overnight I had a house and a baby.

- I'm sorry if-- - If what?

- I was scared. - You don't think I was scared?

It was easier for you. You wanted this.

You wanted the life that they had.

But not the way I got it. Jesus, not the way I got it.

And surely not with somebody who didn't love me back.

But I did.

Holly, I still do.

No, you're right.

We were just....

We were just pretending to be them.

We needed each other to get through everything.

And now that's done, and we

don't need to pretend anymore, Messer, okay?

I don't wanna fight with you, please.

I'm gonna go back to Phoenix.

You can handle Janine on your own.

Looks like you got things covered here without me.

Oh, damn it.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

It was great to see you all.

If you're ever in Phoenix, don't be afraid to look me up.

Okay, dinner is served.

You guys all should try the stuffing. Really, it's amazing.

There's an andouille-sausage thing going on,

so you'll love it.

Go ahead and dig in. Come on, everybody, just....

Eat, now.

- All right, thanks for coming. - Good night, sweetie.

Yeah, okay, that was bad.

Yeah, maybe we did go too fast.

You're clearly have unresolved feelings for him, Holly.

Messer and I barely got along under the best circumstances...

...and there weren't very many of those either.

If my wife and I fought like that...

...well, we'd still be married.

You know, before anything happened to Peter and Alison...

...you were exactly the guy I wanted to be with.

I would lose time thinking about you,

and I didn't even know your name yet.

I'll miss you guys.

"Leonardo was a terrible monster.

He couldn't scare anyone.

He didn't have 1642--"

Mama.

No, Holly.

- No, I'm Holly. - Mama.

Yeah, baby girl. I'm your mama.

The truth is, you know, sometimes it works better...

...with one person doing everything, you know?

No charts, no arguments.

I know it's not ideal.

But since when do parents get the ideal, right?

Right? Right, pretty girl? Huh? I know, I know.

I'm sorry.

I can't do this. This isn't right.

- Is there a problem? - Yeah, I'm an idiot.

I gotta reschedule. I'm sorry. I need to get to the airport.

- Come on. - What?

All right, come on. Pick up, pick up, pick up.

Hey, this is Messer.

Leave me something dirty.

You know, I could have come back for you.

Well, this is our last meeting,

and I'm booked up for the next month.

- One way or another, we're finishing it. - Okay.

If you wanna get there quickly,

you might wanna drive faster than other cars.

But you're observing me, so....

- I'm observing you miss the flight. Move it. - Okay.

Come here.

July 22nd, 2010. First steps.

Where you going? Come back.

You have a beautiful family.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...Flight 722 to Phoenix will now begin boarding.

Hi. Hi. I need two tickets

that will get me anywhere near Terminal T...

...as fast as possible, please.

Three. I'm not waiting in the car.

The baby's shoes too, ma'am.

Are you kidding me? They're baby shoes.

Just give her to me. Give her to me. Go.

Here. Okay, thanks.

It's just, you ran all the way there...

...and I thought when I took Sophie,

it would be, you know, okay.

I know. You know, you did great, you did.

Don't worry about me. I'll be fine, I will.

- I've got Sophie. - Yeah.

And maybe this is the way things were meant to be, so--

You're just gonna be so unhappy.

I'm not gonna start crying again.

I should get Sophie inside.

Yeah, sure.

- You're gonna be a great mom. - Thanks.

- I'll let CPS know you passed. - Thank you. Thanks.

- Chin up. - Okay.

I'm really sorry that I cried.

- No problem. Used to crying. - Okay.

Wanna play with the keys?

Just don't lose them like last time.

Oh, my God. Messer. Oh, my God.

I didn't mean to scare you, all right?

I had my key, and I thought that you'd be home for Janine.

Messer--

Look, please don't say anything. Just listen.

I finally figured out why Peter and Alison picked us.

And it's not because we knew them best.

It's because you and me together, with Sophie...

...somehow, we're a family.

Like they were. And that's why they picked us.

And when I'm gone, I don't just miss her or you, I miss us.

I miss our family.

I know we got it all backwards.

You're supposed to meet, fall in love,

then have a baby, but I don't care.

I don't care how it happened, because I fell in love with you.

- I fell in love with our family. - Messer.

I was at the airport.

Did you plan some kind of a trip that I'm not aware of?

No.

Well, did you hear me say I loved you?

Because I can say it again.

Okay.

I love you.

When I found out that I was pregnant again,

I just cried and I cried and I cried.

And I said, "Scott,

can we be this blessed? Can we?"

We can't repeat what I said. It was not polite.

We cannot. We were--

You know what? I think Campbell needs a new diaper.

- Okay. - Thank you.

- Me, huh? - Yeah.

- All right. - Look at him go.

Oh, Scott, could you get me

maybe a little glass of ice water or something?

Of course. Why haven't I done that already?

Oh, I don't know.

Coming through.

- Hey. Cookie? - Uh-oh. I don't know what's more delicious.

- Oh, no, thanks. Trying to cut back. - Okay.

Give me that back. I'll take one of these. Mostly raisins.

- It's like a salad. - Yeah. It's a great salad.

It's all about the sleep schedule, man.

You've gotta put those babies to sleep.

Hey, Sophie has a request for the caterer.

- Cake. - Yeah.

Cake? Do you like cake?

It's simple, it's understated, it's....

Yeah, you know me. That's how I roll. Simple, understated.

- Ah. Okay, okay. - Ah. Yes.

You're never gonna get any easier, are you?

Nope. And I have another one.

- What? She's 2. - It's for us, because we made it a year.

Okay, babe.

- All right. - Ready?

- Here we go, Soph. Alrighty. - Here we go.

Here we go. We're going to the birthday party.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Sophie

Happy birthday to you