Original subtitles

- Let's go, my friend. Bring the beer.

Right on...

(vehicle backing up)

- Okay, Terry. Next time. - Yeah, I'll see you later.

Stick to your word, okay?

- Take care. - Right on!

Sometimes, at parties, you run out of beer.

But that ain't gonna fucking happen today, that's a fact.

Just let her...

(metal creaking)

Going twice!

Fuck...

Fuck me! I'll take it from here.

Tonight, we're havin' a fucking big, big party for fucking Dean.

'Cause it's like...

He decided to celebrate his like... health.

He's been healthy for five years.

So we're havin' a... fucking party. It's gonna be awesome.

Fuck...!

(cheering): Cancer free! Cancer free!

- Whoo! (cheering)

Who wants eyes?

The moustache and hair is fixed.

- I'll take the tip. - Save a piece for Tron.

Well, I guess my dick would be right about here.

Tron can chaw on my nutsack.

Dean, get up! Get up!

- (cheering): Cancer free! - Cancer free!

You looked cancer in the face and you told him to fuck off.

I'm real proud of you. Not many people...

Yeah...

could do what you've done these last five years, son.

You're so gorgeous...

Yeah, I'd like to say a little hi to fucking Farrel there.

He's looking after my fucking remaining nut.

It was so healthy.

It's, like, I take my gaunch off and it's a fucking shining...

beacon of health.

Uh...

Thanks everybody.

You all know about sixty-nine.

(shrill scream)

Violence could come from any direction.

(cheering)

Oh, there's a big step comin'. Oh, there it is.

Take a look.

No, move your fucking blindfold.

- Oh... - (laughing)

Whoa! Fuck, yeah!

Yeah!

We're gonna break out through the ice

Shut up! Stop lookin' at me.

Happy fucking testicle, man!

Right on!

Yeah, my boy and his balls!

(cheering) Tonight!

Whoo!

Long stick goes boom

Toonies for Terry. Toonies for Terry.

See you, boys and girls. Be good.

Yah-ah!

Hi, son.

Hi.

Hey, I was thinkin' maybe you could...

put me up with a little loan.

- This goes for rent. This goes for groceries.

- Absolutely. - Don't spend it on drugs.

- Bye, Ma. - Bye, son.

Let's do this.

A little cancer free...

LSD! (chuckling)

Right on!

Goodnight, darlin'.

- How's your band doin'? - Typical fucking band bullshit.

We need a singer who can fucking sing like so-and-so.

And I'm like, I sing like fucking... Like the Deaner.

I've got a signature sound, you know? That's not good enough for them.

Tron, I told him about it.

He's like, "I'll fucking be there if you're gettin' that much beer".

(loud rap music)

Fucking Deaner! Happy birthday, motherfucker!

Whoo!

You fucking bitch! You fucking birch... Fuck you!

- He's like a 50-50 kinda shower-upper, you know?

- Fuck me, it's fucking Tron! - (cheering)

(cheering): Tron! Tron! Tron!

Let's get him fucking goin'!

- Yeah! That's what I thought. - Fuck, yeah!

Did you make a fucking wrong left turn?

I made a right left turn. Then I made a left right turn!

- Then, you need it. - Don't give a fuck.

Terry, man. How you been?

- Yeah, fucking good, man. - Where's Deaner at?

He's around somewhere.

Oh, yeah...

No, you're fuck...

Oh, fuck. Where are you goin'?

Oh... piss it.

I'm comin' to getcha.

I'm comin' to get ya.

(panting)

How's the fucking Mac?

Haven't seen you since you went up there, fuck.

I don't know if it's the demons that he's wrestling with...

and because I kicked him to the curb.

This is the best way for him to show me that...

he's good without me and he doesn't need me.

But we're hard, man. We're fucking hard in the Mac!

Hard in the Mac? I don't know what that means, man.

Yo, I got gas 'cause I went fucking science jets.

And if you have to ask you're gonna have to guess

And I get no rest when I'm havin' guests.

'Cause the best guest has to stress excellence.

No better enemy than me My bitter enemy's envy.

The enmity I show to anyone who offends me.

I toss more floss... (Stops abruptly.)

- Shit like that, yo. - Holy fuck!

- Do we really give a fuck? - (cheering)

He's turned into a wild animal.

- MC Tron! - Yeah.

It's crazy how you move with your lips.

It's like poetry. But you're fast.

'Cause I got a lot to say and a short amount of time to say it, what!

- How can you talk, you like... - Like what?!

(screaming)

(loud music)

Stop it!

Help me...

Do you feel how high I am?

I'm living in a palace in Fort Mac, man. An ice palace.

I got a fucking guest ice house.

You wanna get out of this shit, you come work for me.

- You can hire me? - By Monday night,

you got 250 bucks a day.

Bring fucking Deaner, man. I'll hook you guys up.

Fuck, the cord...

Yeah, by next year, you'll be like me.

- You're fucking lying to me, man. - I'm not fucking lying, man.

Look at this shit! It's a fucking denim parka, man.

- (ding!) - (panting)

What do you got, man? It's the same pyjamas.

You're right.

Now, your fucking old pyjamas are becoming your new clothes.

- What do you wear for pyjamas? - I'll step it up.

You aren't shit!

(ding!)

(panting)

- Hey, fucking relax. - Yeah.

- This is our last party at our house. We're getting fucking kicked out.

- Okay, you're gett... What? - Kind of evicted a little bit.

It's a fucking eviction party!

Yeah, you fuck! Fuck you all!

Fuck this! (cheering)

Wreck this shit!

(heavy metal music)

Got you an eviction present, man. (chainsaw buzzing)

Whoo!

Don't say it...

Okay, Ronnie.

Don't say it, Ronnie!

Κeep your mouth shut.

(cheering)

Hey... Ronnie.

Terry, Ron and Tron.

Terry, Ronnie, Tronnie.

Tron... (laughing)

(chainsaw buzzing)

(shouting)

Ronnie!

(smoke detector beeping) (chainsaw buzzing)

Hey, fire!

Fire! (shouting)

Dean? Where the fuck's Dean?

(screaming)

Where's Dean?!

- Deaner?! - Dean! Tron! Go...

Dean! Dean!

Get through that wall! Come on!

Dean, come on!

Come on!

Ah...!

Come on!

(screaming)

Fucking...

I feel

Good sensation

(laughing)

And I've been lifted child

Oh no... Oh no...!

By your soul creation

Don't you stop just to look away

Fire!

I want you to listen child

- To what I say - Let's go!

(choking)

Take five!

Take five, Dean.

Can't get it out of me!

(screaming)

Shit!

Calm down.

You're fucking fine.

Saliva's a natural part of the... fucking mouth.

Look at me for a second, fuck.

Tron got us jobs, alright?

So just... fucking... (farting)

Oh, did you just fucking shit?

No, I hope not.

It's an evil smell.

You got any Κleenex?

- We're goin' to Fort McMurray. - (Dean burps.)

LubeTube. Hump Dumper's on LubeTube.

We're fucking movin' on like The Littlest Hobo.

Fuck, the plan is to fucking... - Get there.

attack a job and fucking... make it squeal.

I got two skills: this one and this one.

A good pair of skills.

Will you fucking... Get the fuck down!

Why don't you fucking lie down!

Fucking... You're unmanageable.

- Yes... - Hey!

(knocking)

- (singing) - Oh, wow! It's Dean.

- Hi! How you doin'? - Daddy!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Chazzenator!

Dominating the chazzitude!

Dean's a good father...

in certain regards.

Not the ideal picture,

but he brings his own gifts to the role.

Hey!

- I was really hoping you'd have some money for us.

He's never officially paid any child support.

Tron got us sweet jobs. It's worth 35 bucks an hour.

I'm kinda short on gas money.

The first days' pay, I'll just put it in an envelope and...

(pop!) ... ship her back to you.

By the time the sun go... You little shit!

You know, you do that one more time...

Yeah, I'd say maybe... - Here.

Wow... Maybe 100?

Hey, so, what do you want for Christmas, Chaz?

- Goalie pads? - Done!

- Wade got her some. - Yeah? You know what Wade also got?

A big fat ass.

Dean is gonna get you real pads. Okay, you understand?

Understand.

Oh, sweet!

This should keep you a little warmer.

Here's a picture Chastity drew for you.

Oh, Chaz! That's nice.

It's daddy beating the cancer monster.

Just like for the future though,

the bass guitar's only got four tuning pegs on it.

I'm gonna miss you, little guy.

- Love you, daddy. - Well, I love you too.

I'm gonna send you drawings and this and that and the other fucking thing.

I love Dean, you know?

He's the father of my child and...

I want him to get his shit together.

He's kind of running out of options.

- Hey, fuck! There's a load of pipes.

The kind of shit we're gonna be doin'. - That's what we're doin', fuck!

- I wanna make a quarter mil a year and get what's mine. Ooh!

- Wussy, you and me are gonna go get fucked tonight.

They're not looking for a fucking family, man.

They're looking for someone like you, who shoots blanks.

Girls don't want that kind of shit.

They got their fucking clocks looking to have babies,

and it's not like something you wanna... be like,

"Oh, how about I'll be your man who can't make fucking babies?"

- If I had that fucking power, you know how I would use it?

I'm like Johnny Anti-Seed.

I'm throwin' out sand that don't grow no orchards.

Girls get off on rumbling buses?

I think it's like the Simon turn on.

Εspecially if they wear light-gray tights.

It just looks like... just the tiniest little wet spot.

I've fingerbanged two chicks on the Greyhound.

Εspecially if they're sittin' on the back seat,

you know that they're just waitin' for someone to come back there.

The seat right by the bathroom, that's like twice as long as the rest.

- Yeah? - Like a three seat?

That's the fingerbang bench, man.

- Should we pick him up? - Yeah, yeah! Pull over. Pull over.

Even if he ain't got weed,

we'll fucking smoke his backpack or some shit.

- Hey, man! - Hey, hi! Get in.

Got any weed, man?

- Uh, yeah. - Yeah, where are you goin'?

Uh... headin' up to Fort McMurray.

There's actually like a problem with the economy...

and gas and stuff; that's why I'm going to protest up there.

It takes like ten barrels of water...

- for one barrel of oil. - Water's free, man.

- That's like a fucking bargain. - Yeah, that seems like a bargain.

- You can't drink that water 'cause the oil is actually seeping in...

Perfect! We'll use that water to fucking make oil!

- Right now, where would you be if there wasn't any fucking oil?

You'd be fucking out in the cold, waitin' around.

Yeah, I didn't see you fucking...

whitewater rafting your way up to Fort McMurray, man.

These birds that are flying into these lakes of oil,

and they're drowning.

To get the oil... (stuttering loudly)

- I don't need ducks. Fuck ducks. - Well, I mean...

Now I'm movin' at what?

Fuck, 100 km/hour and you're bitchin' about it?

I'd like to see you push it 10 feet. After, you'd be like, kill all the ducks!

I could push the car for 10 feet. That's not a...

Oh, yeah? 10 fucking feet, guy.

Yeah, let's walk a mile and fucking curse you.

Fucking hop out, man. Push it fucking 10 feet.

Start pushing. Then maybe you'll appreciate.

Are you ready?

Go, go, go!

Woo!

One thing with those hippies, they know their dope, man.

He's gonna lay the smackdown

No need for you to fight

Here comes a rock bottom

It's time for you to say goodnight

Oh yeah

- Holy shit! Look at that fucking smokestack.

- Oh...! - Look at that fucking smoke!

- Holy fuck! It's the northern lights! - No, that's a fucking plant, man.

Site byproducts, man.

That's where they take those dino turds

and fucking turn 'em into gold.

- Smoke stacks sittin' on stacks of money.

Ah...!

I only want some fossiling jobs!

Smoke me! Whoo! (honking)

Yeah

Oh yeah

Woo!

Oh, fuck! There it is, buddy!

There's fucking Fort McMurray, man!

- Right on, man. - Blow our stack in Fort Mac.

- Right on, made it. - Are you sure he can get us jobs?

'Cause seems like there's already a lot of fucking people up here, man.

He said 35 bucks an hour.

Even if we only do fucking half a day, that's like...

- What's four times... - 35.

- 35... four times... - 40. 80... 800 bucks?

Here we come, Fort Mac.

We're fucking on the attack.

Start the car up, man. It's freezing in here.

- Sure this is the right place? - He said Penetron.

I don't know, man. I think he might have been a little loaded.

And he said somethin' like Pentaflacs.

Well, maybe there's two Penetrons. Maybe there's Penetreena.

No. I just don't know what fucking shift he works.

Low-key homies and OGs

Crowd around the block 'cause the talk about me is

Truly madly

That's fucking Tron, man!

(music stops)

Tron! We fucking made it!

- Tronnie leader! - Hey, guys...

Hey, steak eater!

We're fucking here, man.

- Just gettin' to work here. - Whoo!

- Is this your fucking propane? - Terry, Terry! Off the truck.

- So, what are we doin' today? - Dunno. What are you guys doin'?

I gotta go to work here. - Us too, man!

We came here to work.

- Well, you got your work boots? - No...?

- Hard hats, goggles? - Well, fuck...

Come on, Tron! Fuck...

Yeah, you gotta get your safety certificates, uh...

- Just need to see your cards. - Safety certificate?

- I thought you said we were already hired?

Okay, guys. See you tonight.

Is that where the lunchroom is?

(buzzer)

Tron? (door closing)

Well, what the fuck?

We got the fucking day off. I didn't feel like working anyway, fuck.

Let's go get safe. Βeer me.

(engine starting)

Hard hat, safety shades and steel toe boots.

That's an absolute minimum. You can't fake a hard hat.

Rip off the fucking safety tags.

- Cut off the tag. - Look! Yeah, man. We're safety.

Yeah, we got steel toes. Don't need 'em.

- We're gonna be doing that. - Sparky.

(mimicking blow torch)

Check that guy...

Hey...

I'm gonna save my quarters.

So I'm gonna give you a bunch of dimes here, sorry.

One, two...

three, four...

We should like test these out.

- You can do that... - (bang!)

Oh, fuck.

- Look, that guy's taking five. - A 250-pound five.

Not that I'm totally... sure...

what we're gonna be doin'.

Know that we both know that we don't know what we're doin'.

Knowledge of nonknowledge is power.

Alright, listen up.

(motor running on TV audio)

Watch the video.

- (man screaming) - When the video's finished,

fill out these exams.

Pass 'em down.

(TV): It usually starts with a bad idea.

Fuck, nothing could possibly happen with him, he's...

Oh! Check that!

- Good thing he's got his hard hat on. - He's goin' for a quick dip to cool off.

Yeah. Oh, fuck, it's just so hot today.

- I got a bad feeling about this. - (screaming)

- Oh, fuck! - Oh, yeah!

Okay... C-D-C.

I don't need to cheat, fuck! It's A-C-D-C, man.

You know, I ain't fucking bothering writing shit.

- (alarm) - Go! Go!

See? Fuck!

Look!

You fucker.

- (alarm) - (coughing)

Fuck off, chief!

(coughing)

- Fuck you! - Woo!

If this was a real life situation, most of you would be dead.

Here's your certificate.

Right on!

Fucking teeters, man.

Let's go see some fucking titties.

Fucking awesome.

Welcome Platinum Alexis!

(mimicking Indian scream)

You figure an elder knitted that...

and just like gave it to any old peeler? It's fucked up.

You need like a fucking special status card to get that shit.

Way over shot.

Do I get it back if it goes on the bronze? Is it like at the carnival?

(slow music)

Fuck, it's foaming all over the place.

Hurry, go!

We're clear?

I'm keeping you in sight

Here we go.

You're a candle in the window

Hey!

On a cold dark winter's night

Oh, fuck...

- Do you want me to bounce your fucking asses out of here?

It'll happen in two seconds.

- Yeah, it's just... we're down on our luck a little bit.

Give me the fucking beer.

You're lucky that I'm in a good fucking mood today.

Yeah, you look like you're in a good mood.

- Look, we're really sorry about that. - You'll have to order a pitcher to stay.

I would like to order more.

I'm down to my last fucking shrapnel here.

Here, just give me everything you've got, Dean.

A little tip. Here, fuck. You can just have it.

Here you go.

- That's it! That's all we got, man! - Can you bring us our change, please?

You want your change?

You... you can keep the change.

'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore

(laughing)

I've forgotten what I started fighting for

Fucking cranked on the nuts with his spare hand.

Wouldn't want to get a hand job from that guy.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, fuck! Tron!

(together): Tron!

Tron!

- Woo! - (Tron): Holy shit...

- Hey, buddy! Tron! - Fuck!

We got at front row.

- Tron! - Tron!

Fucking, the instigator, man!

- How you doin', buddy? - How's it goin', man?

- How do you know these guys? - I think I know 'em from Calgary.

Fuck, we go way back. Before you had a penis, man!

(laughing)

Every time I look at your mouth,

I just fucking think of you rappin'.

Yeah! Rappin'!

- Rappin'? - Rap's crap, man.

It's not even music. No, I don't rap.

- We got our certificates. - Oh, fuck, yeah!

We're certified, man.

I just don't think we got the room right now, but...

- You said just show up! - You said you had lots ofjobs!

- Just a sec. Guys. - Yeah, right on.

Good to see you, man. - What are you doing here?

You said we could stay in your ice palace.

Do you have any idea where you are right now?

- Fort McMurray. - What?

- This is the Mac. - We took the course. We're good to go.

Yeah, you took the safety course.

So, yeah, you know what to expect in the Mac. Well, you don't know shit.

Not ready to lose a limb out there? I seen guys get decapitated.

Guys walking around with their shoulder bones stickin' out, no arm.

Is that what you guys want? Want no arms?

(whispering): The Mac... She's a cruel mistress.

And she will freeze you

if you don't love her...

the way we all love her up here.

We are the Mac. Are you the Mac?

Yeah.

Introduce us to her.

- So do we got jobs or what, man? - Come on, like...

I ain't goin' back to no fucking shithole.

- I guess so. - Yeah!

Ayo!

Fuck, we got jobs, Terry!

(exclaiming)

You got the first one.

We got you some fresh meat, Trish.

At least it's not a lean cut.

(men): Oh! (laughing)

Cheers!

(cheering)

(laughing)

(chuckling) Don't have too much fun.

We don't really got no place to stay.

Where do people live around here?

- They got a parking lot here. - It's fucking cold out.

- Trish will keep you warm. - (laughing)

Get the fuck out of here!

(Dean): Bad the good moves tonight.

You're drivin' on the wrong side of the road, Terry.

(Dean mumbling.)

(mumbling)

(laughing)

Put her in neutral. Just park it.

Nighty night.

(mixed conversations)

Here, let's go.

Yep.

Thomas... You three.

Do you know when Tron's comin'?

(coughing)

Come on, guys. Let's get to work.

(mimicking rock guitar)

(grumbling)

Well, what the fuck are we doin' out here then, Terry?

- Well, let's fucking go! - Here he fucking is!

There he is!

Fucking glad you fucking made it!

Thanks for stoppin' by!

- Hey, Tron! - Tron!

Tron, what the fuck is the matter with you?!

You're fucking behind on the job and you're fucking late.

Get going and take these two assholes with ya.

- No, get in the back. - This is the back.

No, the fucking back.

(honking)

(country music)

(beep!) (rap music)

- Here you go. - Hey, thanks, man.

Couple double.

Couple double!

Tron, I could go for a fucking coffee too.

Breakfast sandwiches.

- Breakfast sandwich? - Breakfast sandwich.

Flowers that blossom in autumn are doomed

To never bloom

They fluster when the frost hits

Like the frosted tips

On split ends that get snipped

So the root is a rip

My rap stroke back like the hair on my back

My backpack will be attached with a Velcro patch

Seriously! Let's fucking stop!

The fucking Earth is farting.

(coughing) I'm glacier fresh

(rock music)

Hurry up!

Since I was a young man

Terry!

Get that down over there!

Fuck!

Made sacrifices

For the greater good

But I'm just working

(loud machinery)

- Move it out. - (truck beeping)

When the work is gettin' you

Take it back to the country

What is this?!

This is a stack of timber. On the road!

You're fucking up the flow of oil.

Forget it! - Sorry.

Pipe heating. You heat... the pipe.

Whoo!

Yeah...

Jesus Christ!

He's ruining the pipe! You dog fuckin' fairy!

Oh, fuck!

- Woo! (laughing)

(screaming)

- Let him burn, man! Let him burn! - (cheering)

Somebody fucking help! Help me!

That buddy of yours, Damian,

did he get his workman's comp?

He took a bunch of oxys...

and drove over his own hand on purpose...

Fucked his hand for life, but I don't really think he cares.

He's sittin' around making 80%.

Like he just... said, "My hand's fucked up...

- and it was at work?" - Yeah. Workers' comp.

How long did he have to work to get that?

- Kicks in your first day. - Deadly, man.

(vehicle backing up)

I've been up here about a year and two months.

I've already made over $300,000.

And I'm already a spacer.

Basically, my job is to...

line up the two pieces of pipe.

You got a good spacer,

you got a good pipeline crew.

If you can hold your drugs... Oh, yeah.

You know, then you can hold your job,

then, I dunno, maybe it's not a problem.

Terry's a typical green guy, you know?

At least he's tryin'. He's listenin'. He doesn't know shit.

He's holding shit up, but fucking Deaner, man!

I never seen anyone fuck a dog like that.

He's like the master of doggy style.

Fuck, man. I'm tryin' to space, right? It's my job.

And he's in my space. Fuck, Dean!

Hustle!

Fucking freezing. I don't have the clothes you guys got on.

You got a ladies'... fucking snowmobile suit.

Where does that go?! Fuck!

Good job. Right about 20 minutes.

Hey, Dean! Dogfucker! Finish this one up then we're done.

Shut her down, boys!

Alright... Argh!

Eight hours, regular time...

four hours, time and a half, two hours, double time.

So, it's 425 each. Should be... uh... 800.

- Right fucking on! - Whoo!

- Go to Peelers'. - Fucking Terry!

We're wealthy, man!

Show her you love her!

(cheering)

Yeah, let's just...

I'm gonna drown myself.

This is a fucking day's work, guys.

This is a fucking day's net work.

Fucking pound this.

(cheering)

Κeep fucking goin'.

(cheering)

Yeah, he's gurglin'.

(rock music)

Okay. One more.

- Yeah! - (machine): Bingo!

- Here, Tom! - There's one.

Number two!

So, you fucked Trish. Pencil dick,

did you fuck Trish?

- Did you fuck Trish? - (laughing)

Am I seriously the only guy at this table that ain't been down that road?

Oh, you will be.

- Get him! Get him! Get him! - Reload.

You suck!

This gun ain't fucking workin', man.

Yeah, it's workin'. I'm just better than you.

Whoa! Whoa! I'm a deer.

Take your pants down. Just kidding.

Oh! Oh! No, I'm joking.

(chuckling)

We both lie silently still in the dead of the night

Although we both lie close together

We feel miles apart inside

Was it something I said or something I did

Did my words not come out right

Though I tried not to hurt you

Though I tried

But I guess that's why they say

Every rose has its thorn

Just like every night

Has its dawn

Just like every cowboy

Sings a sad sad song

Every rose has its thorn

(laughing)

That number again!

Hmm...

Home sweet home.

Hey, nice fucking big beds, man.

Which one's your bed?

(mumbling)

Just like every night

Has its dawn

- (loud kissing) - Yep...

Ah...

Ah...! (spitting)

Whoa...

This is... fucking...

...so spicy.

Every rose has its thorn

(moaning)

- Come on! Come on! Come on, Mike.

Whoa! Whoa...

Is that clean?

- My dick? - No, man.

I got clean stuff. You need some?

Well, what about weed?

Nobody gives a fuck about weed, man.

(dripping water)

Well, look at this.

Here you go.

Bring it on!

Here you go. And you... Good news: You made the crew.

- Terry! We're part of the fucking crew. - Thanks, boss. Βoss.

- This better be fucking clean, Tron. - It's good piss.

I'll take the entire amount, please.

Come to Deaner!

Aow!

What if there's a fucking fire?

I take a quarter out of every dollar and I put it under my pillow.

Quarters don't burn.

(whistling)

Oh... fuck!

Warlock!

Terry, it's a fucking Warlock, man!

The most evil bass you could possibly purchase with money.

Which one can you purchase without money?

Well, you'd have to talk to Satan about that.

Alright, thanks, chief. Take her sleazy.

(ding! dong!)

- Hey! - Hey, Terry!

- Fuck, you got a lot of shit in there. - I'm a lady.

- I need to bring my potions. - Holy shit!

Dean! Get in the back.

- What are you talking' about, man! - In the back! Trish's riding up front.

- Thanks, Dean. - Argh...

We're gonna fucking get loaded

On the way to Edmonton mall

(chuckling)

(heavy metal music)

- Men are dogs. - Men are dogs and women are?

- Cunts! - How'd you like to be called a cunt?

So you think being a cunt's worse than being a dog?

- Yeah, man! - A cunt is a very beautiful animal.

It's like a wild fucking predatory cat. Like a jungle cat.

I'm gonna fucking buy myself a bow and arrow...

and go cunt hunting.

See if you can bag a couple.

Make a jacket out of one and fucking have sex with the other.

- Holy... - Holy fuck!

- Oh, my God! - Look at that shit!

Now that's a fucking mall!

Edmonton! Edmonton!

Western Edmonton!

Edmonton! Edmonton! Western Edmonton!

Pick her up and take her down!

Bring it on.

- Can we pop this in the trunk, man? - See you later, bassie.

Ahoo!

Ahoo!

(rock music)

(laughing)

- Get some clothes on, you homos! - What's with this fucking Speedo?

- You don't even got pubes yet. - Watch your fucking back.

Faggots!

Wow...

That's like a fucking V-18 or something.

That thing must fucking wail. Don't touch it!

Yoo-ooh!

Oh, fuck!

Oh...

Oh, yeah...

It's like when you get your shit out of the dryer: fuck, it's like a hug.

Sin whores...

Sink you here sink you there

- The Devil will sink you everywhere - Rock and roll, man!

Get him!

Woo!

Fucking blew my load!

(sharp scream)

Holy fuck!

I'm gettin' that bow and arrow for sure.

- Those guns were fucking awesome. - This is primeval.

- A bow is the fucking just way of murdering an animal.

You got one shot.

- That's true. - Click! Click! Βang! Βang! Motherfucker!

(mimicking gunshot)

Trixie don't really... trust me with Chastity on my own.

She fucking touched the hot burner.

Like it was red hot. How fucking stupid do you have to be?

Once burned, twice shy, though. That's how you learn.

Like Trixie didn't really see that as a lesson.

No. Trixie saw it as gross misconduct of the parental kind.

It's not your money, Terry.

Credit's a deadly dragon.

- I got 10,000. - It's too much power.

- Fuck off. - Fucking Lord of the Rings, man.

- You can't handle that. - Go get your own credit card, man.

- He's a grownup, Dean. - Yeah.

The cash, man!

Oh, fuck. Yeah.

- Whoa...! Yeah, that's right on. - It's hot.

- How much is it? - Oh, shit!

- (bang!) - Watch it.

- You have to get me this. Please. - Okay. Yeah, sure.

- Do you like it? - Yeah.

How long do you figure... we're gonna be here, there, Trish?

- Fuck... - I dunno? I'm fucking shoppin'.

What?

You know the 100-dollar rule, right?

100-dollar rule?

Can you spend more than 100 bucks on a chick?

It's your fucking girlfriend. Hang! So fucking watch it.

It's fine, Dean.

Trish? Me and... Terry, we'll meet you in the food court, okay?

You fucking go. I'll catch up with you later.

Are you gonna fucking try on a bra, there, you fucking lady?

Do you like this one?

All the fucking silk in China couldn't fucking... cover that.

- He's a fucking asshole. - Yeah. Sometimes he is.

(mall music)

He's like a lone wolf, you know? He doesn't know when to...

like stick with the pack and when to fucking...

chase his own rabbits.

Maybe you think that he's a lone wolf,

and then you send him out into the woods...

and he's like out there alone, crying.

In the fucking cold, in the dark.

He's my buddy. I don't mean to rag on him...

- He's probably fragile. - Yeah, he is.

And I fucking look out for him the most.

He'll drag me out to a bar, and he'll be like,

"Hey, fuck, Terry? You gotta come see me sing".

And it's a total fucking embarrassment to music.

He can't be all that fucking bad. I mean, he's hilarious.

He's pretty funny, but like, you know, sometimes...

He's so cute when he smiles.

I don't think so.

Maybe he needs you to be a better friend, like he's...

- What the fuck! - he's probably just like... scared.

Maybe he's wondering, like, how you really feel about him.

He's his own fucking machine, you know?

And I... He runs his own way.

And I think he's just fucking jealous

from what's happening between you and I here.

He can feel it too.

(woman): Fuck, yeah! (giggling)

Oh, fuck!

(smacking lips)

- Yeah... - Oh...!

(moaning coming from television)

Oh, yeah...

Oh, fuck...

(moaning)

- Oh, yeah... - Oh, fuck!

Fuck the shit out of me, now!

(waves from the bed) Fucking good... Oh!

Oh, yeah! Oh...

(soft screaming)

Oh, fuck! I want you to come all over my tits!

- (man): Alright... - Oh, fuck.

- Yeah... - Yeah... Let me feel it all over me.

Oh, fuck...

Oh, yeah! I want to see the cum shooting right out of your cock.

- Right around... That's the way, Mike!

Here, try.

Let it get hard, just like you do your pecker.

Surfin' on a pipeline

Crusin' down a lifeline

Okay, that's good.

Whoo!

What the fuck...? Deaner!

What the fuck is that?! What are you doing?

Puttin' the skids in the back of the truck, man.

Fuck that!

How many positions can you fuck the dog in?

You're fucking a doggy in missionary position,

not even doggy style, man.

The dog's a Dean fucker.

Get it out of your ass.

I have a fucking job to do and I fucking do it.

Yeah, your job is to be on break. You do a really good job of that.

I'm fucking... just throwing skids, man.

Throwing skids in your shorts.

Better than the fucking skids that Trish left in the hot tub.

- (laughing) - Whoa...

- Dirty-fuck Trish. - Fuck off!

- You fucking fucked her in the hot tub at West Εd.

- Yeah, well, you were fucking spying on me jerking off.

- I had both my eyes closed and I could still see you in that tub.

I fucked Trish at the Rodeo one time.

- Was she in the competition that year? - (laughing)

- I just boob-laid her. - Michael Βublé?

Yeah. Titty fuck.

- You guys are fucking assholes, man. - Yeah, I fuck asshole!

(laughing)

You can't just fucking talk about my fucking girlfriend like that...

- and not... - Your girlfriend...

- (all): She's our girlfriend. - You dumb fuck!

- She's like one of the kindest persons I've ever met.

(laughter)

Have you fucked Trish yet?

No.

He wouldn't even have a chance if he wanted to.

He'd probably be, like,

"Oh, I'm about to. Oh, I gotta go on break. "

(laughing)

Okay...

Argh...

Phew...

Alright. Alright.

(grunting)

(vehicle backing up)

Oh! Oh!

Oh, fuck!

Ah...

Ah! Ah, fuck!

Oh! Oh...!

Workers' comp hustle.

Tron, man, you gotta fucking help me. I can't fucking handle it out here.

I'll get the paperwork through.

We'll get you your cash.

We go 50-50.

- I dunno, man... Fuck, I... - Okay, you're fired.

- Alright, fuck it. - Fuck it.

- Fuck it! - Yeah!

Now keep it loose so the tendons can stretch.

Don't puss out.

50-50, right?

Yeah, I get half. You get whatever's left.

Just go!

(long scream)

Ah...!

Ah... Jesus-Christly fuck! - Sorry. Sorry.

- Just give me some fucking epidural. - What happened?

I fucking told you: when we were drivin' up, I said,

"My beams are rattling".

An old shit sandwich went fucking comin'...

skiddin' out like a fucking grease leg, and...

I felt the impact... of a 60-pound fucking steel girder...

comin' down on my ankle.

Right before, I kind of... passed out.

I remember writhing in pain.

And I remember... being at work.

Oh... Ouch! Fuck...

Dean Murdoch.

Alright, take her sleazy.

Fuck, man...?

- Argh! - Let's see the cheque.

- There's no cheque, man. - What?!

It's a fucking letter.

It says I gotta go make some bullshit appointment...

with some doctor or something.

Here, make the appointment so we can get the cash.

Fuck, man. You wouldn't think it'd be so hard to get free money.

They always do this shit.

- You ride in the back. - Yeah?

I'll get her goin' and then, you fucking flush out the wild critters.

Well, how will I tell you to go faster or slower?

I'll just give'r all the way.

Whoo-ooh!

Go slow! Oh, fuck!

Oh...

(arrow being shot)

- (meowing) - Come on, Terry!

- What the fuck did you make? - I think it's like a fucking bear cub.

Oh, fuck...

Dean... it's a fucking house cat. You fucking killed someone's pet.

- We're in the fucking wild, man. It's a wildcat.

No, it's got a fucking collar and everything.

Litter box? There ain't no fucking litter box.

Let's fucking go to Peelers', man, let's celebrate.

Whoo! First kill!

I'm hookin' up with Trish tonight.

First blood beers! Let's go, Ter. Come on!

Fuck! Don't point that at me, man.

I told her I'd be home by dark. So I gotta fucking roll.

- What the fuck is it with you and Trish? - What are you talkin' about?

Can't you see with your own two eyes that she's the fucking town pump?

I fucked Trish. Tron fucked Trish.

- What? You... you fucked Trish? - Yeah!

I fucked her at West End.

Right on.

- So let's fucking go to Peelers', man. - Yeah, I gotta go.

Come over here, kitty. Oh, you're still warm.

Come to Dean. Ah...

(engine running)

Terry, it's fucking perfect.

- This has California emissions. - Okay.

- California em... Do you like movies? - I love movies.

That's where movies come from, it's California.

Do you like music?

- Fucking love music. - There is a stereo...

- Okay? - ... that plays music.

Can we knock the price down a bit?

- We can knock it right down to what's written right there.

The price can worry you, when you think about it.

The key is: don't think about it.

Maybe just for now, the truck's good.

You know, I dunno if I need those other things.

We have to have the GPS.

Well...

What if I'm driving the truck when you're at work and I get lost?

- Fucking pull out a map! - Here's a scenario for you.

She pulls out the map, and is wiped out by a semi-trailer.

Do you wanna be known as the guy who let his wife and kids die...

- Okay, fine. - ... on the side of the road?

You want that? You're probably gonna want the clear coat.

What, you fucking work here too?

I don't want the fucking extra stuff.

I'll take the truck and that's that.

Thanks a lot.

- No, you can't fucking have that! We are not getting it!

At some point, I had to say no...

No, no, no. At some point...

At the point where I wanted one fucking thing... Picture this.

I'm driving down the fucking highway.

Some fucking fluid cable busts.

The only fucking thing nearby is a fucking pipeline...

full of horny old fucking men.

Well, yeah! You might like that.

What are you trying to say about me?

That I wanna fucking get gang-banged by the fucking pipeline?

'Cause I thought you thought I was a fucking decent human being.

If you're so decent, then why the fuck did you fuck Dean at the hotel?

"Oh, I'm so decent. I'll fuck your best friend".

Did you have a good time with Dean at our expense?

Was it worth it?

- I thought you were different. - I'm different: I care about you.

If you cared about me,

you wouldn't have fucking brought it up that I fucked Dean.

I've you cared two fucking licks about me,

you wouldn't wanna sit here...

and make me feel like a fucking cheap whore.

I don't want to listen to your bullshit anymore.

Where the fuck are you goin'?

I dunno. I'm all lost and scattered.

Well, maybe if we had a fucking GPS,

we wouldn't be lost, you fucking idiot!

- (door slamming) - Can you just like...

- Stupid. - turn off your bad mood button?

I'll show you a fucking bad mood button!

It's fucking bullshit! I didn't do fucking anything.

"You passed out, so I fucked someone. " People pass out all the time!

I've been passin' out since I was a kid.

If you acted like you liked me, you wouldn't fucking treat me like this.

Just fucking calm the fuck down...

(screeching): Don't tell me... what to fucking do!

Sorry!

Why don't I just fucking get on my knees...

so you can come on my face and leave!

You know what the problem is right now?

The problem is that I am realizing...

- Oh, fuck... - that I am a fucking idiot.

I let myself, for once in my fucking life,

believe some fucking man...

believe that you actually cared about me.

- Oh, fuck. Come on! - I know now that was fucking bullshit.

And I can't believe I let my guard down.

Just havin' a fucking blowout.

Fucking fucked my best friend, and I'm looking past it-

Do you fucking think I enjoyed fucking Dean?

- I dunno? - First of all, he has one fucking nut.

- I know! - It is disgusting!

He is disgusting.

You don't think I feel terrible about that?

Because I do.

- I won't bring it up again. - I feel disgusting.

- I'm fucking sorry. - I feel like a fucking slut...

Look, I'm fucking sorry. Don't cry.

Don't fucking cry. It's alright.

I know, I'm fucking slime.

I can't believe I fucked Dean.

(heavy metal music)

Whale hunter

(singing off-key)

(spitting)

(music playing in the distance)

Fuckin' A, man.

We're fucking totally stoked for tomorrow night.

You comin' out, dude? (He hits bass notes.)

Yeah, I know. I'll totally be there. I just...

Yeah, we kinda need your car tomorrow night.

You can just fucking take it.

What do you mean, "take it?"

- Just fucking have the car. - You're givin' me your fucking Rolls?

Oh, yeah. It's fucking yours, Dean.

Hey, where are you going with the TV, man?

You can have your half when you fucking pay me back.

Have a good fucking jam, guys.

Wanna get the door for me?

- Well, thanks for the car. - Go fuck yourself.

See you at the show.

Can we do somethin' more... like change the sound...

and make it sort of more like a laser at the end?

- (laser sound effect) - Ah, no, that's... like a gay laser.

Something like evil.

(rumbling sounding note)

Yeah, that's fucking awesome.

We're fucking... Night Seeker.

I think a lot of you guys came out for Tit Seeker.

This is our first show on planet Earth. So you guys are pretty lucky.

Give'r.

(rock music)

(singing off-key)

Get her to catch stuff until working through the haze

You just feast You never see

Captain said that big white's for me

- (TV): This is Mantracker. - What?

Fire it up.

His work could be a matter of life and death.

(coughing)

This is totally gonna fucking help my cramps.

No headache for you now

Whale hunter

She'll swallow your harpoon

Get a ride from a fucking truck driver,

and they just want you to give them a blowjob...

while they're driving; it's fucking dangerous.

I fucking look back and there's this fucking crusty ginch...

with pornos, and I was like, couldn't sleep.

Otherwise, he would've sent me to his crusty jerk-off den.

Oh Lucy

(singing out of tune)

Oh Lucy

You still got your heart

And your heart's beating Lucy

You still got respect and dignity

- (cheering) - Give a big hand for Dusty Rhodes!

Night Seeker gets in your fucking head!

(soft music)

Have you seen Terry, man?

- No. He didn't show up. - What the fuck? He didn't show up?

He doesn't seem to be interested in Night Band, or whatever it is.

Couldn't rip himself from the fucking sweat-stained couch he fucking lives on.

Fucking having cuddle finger fuck.

He's gone, man. He's fucking... history.

Well, let's go to his fucking house, man.

Fuck shit up. Let's fucking do it up.

- (ding! dong!) - What the fuck is that?

- I'm comin'. - I'm not buyin' any of that shit.

Hey, dude!

How's it goin', Ter?

- Whoo! - Let's do it!

- Come on in, guys. - (belching)

I'm fucking here to invite you cordially to a party...

that we're having back at our motel.

We checked out.

So I fucking took my shit out, and you can get out too.

- Fu... - I'm done fucking paying. Get out.

- Tron, you gotta go. - Terry, we brought you a lady.

- Take your pick. - He has a lady.

Yeah, he has a fucking battleship, actually.

- Terry isn't goin' anywhere! - Look at me, you fucking...

Was that a fucking whale song in the back...

- Shut the fuck up! - Oh-oh!

Guys...

Get out of here. You wanna fucking go!

Get out!

- Shut up! - (screaming)

- It's alright, Trish. - Tron, you get him out.

- Let 'em go. Let 'em work it out. - Gas pedal.

- Oh! - Yeah! Get in there!

(screeching): Get out of my house!

Oh! Ah...!

- Get out of here! Get the fuck out of here!

Hope you fucking bleed to death.

- What the fuck was that, Terry? - Sorry.

I dunno... I'm sorry. (crying)

We'll have it fucking soak.

What a fucking asshole.

- Fuck that party! - Yeah, right!

- Ouch! - Shh! Shut up!

Check this out. (laughing)

- Shit in his wash... (whispering): No, man.

Gonna shit in the washer.

It'll wash through in the cycle. Go in the dryer.

Get in... (chuckling)

Big warm thoughts.

I need fucking tissue...

I can wipe my ass with this fucking thing here.

- Hi. - Hi.

Uh, Workers' Comp Board.

Take a seat. The doctor will see you in a second.

- No sweatsky. - Okay. Thanks.

Ah...

Just hop down to the second door on your right, okay?

He's on his way.

(phone ringing in the distance)

Hello, Dean.

Come on in.

- What are you doin' here? - Long time no see.

I saw him after the chemotherapy.

And that was it. Uh...

He was supposed to have follow-up.

And we actually had the appointments all set up, but he never showed.

Dr. McArthur, the Workman's Comp lady,

she sent me your file and... they did some investigations.

And... uh...

the cancer's back.

We'll have to take off your left testicle.

The last one.

Fuck off!

Dean... didn't do what he should have.

And worse than that,

he actually did a lot of stuff that he shouldn't have.

In other words: he kept on drinking, carousing,

that's really bad for the liver.

And the liver's trying to...

kill off the cancer cells.

Lots of people live without their testicles.

Yeah, they're called women.

We'll put a prosthesis in.

Can I get big ones?

You'll get big, hairy ones.

The only explanation that makes any sense...

is that, just by a weird stroke of luck,

he had a new onset of cancer in his remaining testicle.

- Oh... - It's okay. Take your time.

- Fuck. - Take a good look.

I've got some definite therapy.

A plan which is workable.

And at the end of it, you'll live.

If you just disappear on me again,

you'll get sick and you'll die.

Am I... am I gonna get tits?

He's never really been a friend.

He's always just been fucking using me, you know?

From day one, when I look back on it,

I'm like... you know,

it was like a one-way street.

He was just taking, taking, taking, you know?

He never fucking gave back.

Where the fuck is he...?

Friendship is something that, you know,

has two sides to the coin.

And right now, there's just one coin spinnin' around,

with fucking Dean's head on it.

Well, there you are, you fucking asshole!

- Hey! - What the fuck did you do?

You shit in my dryer? You fucking...

disrespect my girl, you piece of shit?

Fucking asshole!

Go fuck yourself. You ain't my friend no more.

No way we're ever gonna be friends again, you piece of shit.

If he just fucking died...

and dropped off the face of the Earth, I wouldn't really give a shit.

You know, he's pretty much fucking dead to me.

Jesus Christ

Sent by God above

To save us

From our sins

(choking)

He who weeps

In want of love

Place your faith

In Him

Once, she was small.

All eyes and arms.

Soft as a pair of fuzzy dice.

Now, she's grown.

And that has been known. She's become a predator.

On ice.

Defender of cages, bane of the sniper.

Wise as a wizard, quick as a viper.

Lady Dynasty.

You're the king's only heir.

For his sceptre's empty.

A cave with no bear.

Live long and prosper.

So that all through the ages,

though the king will be gone...

his fire still rages.

Thanks, Daddy. I love you.

I love you too.

(tolling)

- Yeah, I could go with a fucking diamond in my ear.

Wow, look how it sparkles.

Diamonds are very sparkly.

- Do you want somethin'? - No, no, no.

You like that one. I fucking can tell.

I don't like it.

I can't tell whether you don't like it or you don't want it.

I don't want it. Oh!

You like it?

- I love it! I love it! I love it! - Okay. We'll take it.

That'll be 1258 altogether.

Here you go.

Put the 258 on this and the rest on there.

I'll buy whatever I please.

Thank you.

(loud kiss)

Right on!

Bring it down more, fuck!

The price of oil's gone in the shitter.

Just got word from the Head Office. I'm gonna have to let you all go.

(protesting)

- Paid vacation in the Mac. - We get paid?

- You, I... - What does that mean?

It's like 75% of our cheque for up to six months.

- Oh, fuck! How do you get it? - You got it. How long you worked here?

- Just over two months. - Two months, that's it, man.

- Let's fucking rage! - Oh...

- What? - 'Cause it's three months.

Oh...

Just shy.

- They just fired me like that? - Yeah.

- I didn't do nothin'. - And you get nothin'.

No, but Tron, like...

That's the Mac.

(whispering): We out.

What do you mean, you fucking got laid off?

The fucking price of oil... or some shit.

Well, you need to fucking call them back right now...

and tell 'em that you can't fucking be laid off...

- Hey! - and you need a fucking job.

Fucking chill out 'cause I got like six month no interest payments.

Why are you acting so fucking... Just calm down!

What are we... God, Terry! Don't fucking tell me to calm down!

So I'll get another job. So there's no reason to get all mad.

I'm fucking pregnant.

And how did that happen?

You're the one who doesn't like to fucking use condoms

'cause it feels better.

- Shh. - Well, fucking fuck you, Terry!

Just settle the fuck down.

It's not good for your health to be so angry.

What if we can't afford to feed the baby?

We'll feed the baby.

They just eat crackers anyway for the first six months.

I'm gonna be a dad.

(sniffling)

- I love you. - I love you too.

Fuck...

When she told me she was pregnant, you know,

I didn't dare tell her that I'm sterile.

There's a definite possibility that Dean's the father of my child.

That just is a whole other... floodgate of fucking emotions that I...

you know, can't really handle.

(music in the distance)

Tron!

Tron! It's the Deaner!

Tron, what the fuck you doin' here, man?

Tron, man!

Ah, fuck it...

Oh, yeah...

That's right... (inhaling)

(holding breath): It's crack, man!

This is the shit!

This is...

Can... can you keep a secret, man?

(holding breath): Yeah... Sure, man.

(exhaling)

I got no fucking nuts.

The fucking bullshit nightmare came back, and...

they took the other one too.

- (coughing and laughing) - Fuck off, man!

No nuts, man.

Fuck you, man! It's fuck...

A man walking around with an empty sack.

It's like Santa Claus on Boxing Day.

It ain't fucking great to live with no fucking balls, man.

It's fuck... Fuck.

It's not a life, man.

You know, you wanna know a secret?

Keep a little secret for me?

Sure.

I'm on a suicide run. Right now.

I'm done, man.

I'm fucking gone.

I feel like rolling myself into a fucking... brick wall, man.

- Ending it all, man. - Fucking right, man.

When do you wanna do it?

Fucking Boxing Day.

That's nice, man.

One last Christmas.

Suicide on the wish list.

One, two, three... Dead.

Together? Isn't it gay?

It's dead.

If I can't fucking go through with it, you'll do it, right?

I won't fucking puss out and do myself...

before I fucking do you, man.

Fucking deadly, man.

Suicide pact!

Yeah!

Hi, there. Oh, hey!

- Hey! How's she getting there, buddy?

Oh, fuck, not too bad.

Hey, have you heard the news?

- No? What? - That buddy of yours, Deaner?

- Yeah, I fucking know Dean. - Yeah, he's...

He's got no balls.

- He's got one ball. - Ah, no.

He lost his last nut.

That's what the dog fucker gets, eh?

Fill the top up too, there, buddy.

You know, knowing what I know now,

I probably, you know...

I didn't realize what the fuck he was goin' through.

And so, now, I feel bad.

You know, a little.

He's still an asshole,

but I would like to find him, so I can tell him that.

(engine running)

Fuck...

Hey, Dean.

I ain't seen you in a long time, man.

Yeah, I know.

Hey, uh...

I was thinking maybe we should, uh... you know...

You should come by. Come over for Christmas.

Like not... you know, like... you know...

Get you out of here.

- Did you talk to Trish about that? - Yeah, it's...

kind of her idea, really.

Sounds nice.

Get in.

Come on, Dean! Fucking help me decorate the tree!

(vomiting noise)

The sparkly load.

I wanna give you my... Christmas present early.

That's you fucking bass, man. It's your blood bass.

I don't need it where I'm goin'. I'm goin' to fucking Cabo Wabo.

Where?

I'm goin' to Cabo Wabo, man.

- When are you goin' there? - Right after Christmas.

- How long are you goin' for, man? - I dunno.

Who the fuck knows? You might never see me again...

Shut the fuck up, man.

I put a lot of thought into it, man. I fucking...

put the scales in the balance, and...

You know, it came up Cabo.

You know what?

Maybe you guys should go...

and spend a little time together.

Fuck, let's go get a turkey, we'll hit Peelers'...

No Peelers'.

Fine.

(farting)

- Right on! - (gobbling)

Gobble! Gobble! Gobble!

Here you go.

Her name's Lily.

We're gonna murder you, Lily.

(He cackles loudly.)

I've got the bead right on her.

Dean, fucking shoot it! I'm fucking starvin' hungry!

Take it fucking down like the turkey it is.

Go! It's your shot. I'll fucking do it.

I can't do it, man.

- No! Terry, fuck! Don't! - (arrow whizzing)

Fuck... What do you mean, you can't fucking do it?

I dunno, man. I ain't got it in me.

No, come on! I'm your friend, hellraiser. Come to the Deaner.

Come... (smacking lips)

Oh!

Oh...! Fuck...

You wanna go free, don't you, hellraiser...?

It's hard to really get into the mind of someone who's nutless.

I don't think he's the type of person that would actually take his own life.

I mean, I think it's fun for him to think about it a little bit.

You know, a lot of the music he likes,

it's like... they sing about death and stuff.

So, I think he's just like enjoying his own like... dark place,

but you know, when push comes to blow, he ain't gonna do it.

I... I think that he might.

Hey, Dean!

- How you doin', Terry? - Here. Got an electric heater for you.

The exhaust system ain't so great on this car, you know?

I don't want you to fucking croak from carbon monoxide.

Right on, man. Appreciate that.

No problem, but you sure you wanna fucking stay out here?

I think he needs it. He'd really appreciate it.

I think he will. He will too.

- Dean, come here! - What's goin' on?

The trees are alight And the stockings are full

- Daddy! - Oh, Chaz!

Children above close their eyes

Chazzeroo you!

What the hell are you guys doin' here?

- We came to see you. - Oh! Oh!...

Cool!

Hey, Wade.

(women): Hi!

You must be Chastity. Hello!

- Hi, Terry. - Hi...

- Let's close the door so we don't heat the neighbours.

- What's your name? - It's Wade.

Nice to see you.

- Let's enjoy a nice little dinner here. - Yeah.

- Thanks for cooking. - Cheers!

Cheers to you. - Cheers, Trish.

Let me just sniff and make sure no one spiked that.

(electric knife buzzing)

Oh, look at that!

- Hmm! - Nice!

That is a good piece. Me neither!

- Can you smell that? - Wild beast. You know, and like...

it's gonna taste all the sweeter 'cause, you know, we killed it.

Uh...

- Oh, wow! - It's, uh...

I don't think it's quite done yet.

It's pink inside still.

Some turkeys are supposed to be pink. Ah, that's a little cool.

Yeah, it's frozen.

Okay...

- I thought this was fresh? - It's raw.

Hard to kill, hard to cook.

Terry, what the fuck?

It's on for 17-18 minutes.

Have some salad, buns...

We forgot to go around the table and say what we're thankful for.

Well, I'm just so grateful...

to have our family and friends close together.

And I'm really, really grateful for Trish...

and for Terry for having us in their home.

Terry and I...

in not too long from now,

we're gonna have a baby.

- That's right. - (swallowing)

Wow!

- Congratulations! - Wow!

Thank you.

We're gonna have our own... a family of our own.

Me and Trish.

Maybe next year,

at this time, there'll be another, uh...

chair at the table and, you know,

it'll be three families coming together.

Yeah.

- Yeah! Congratulations. - Thank you. Thank you.

- Congratulations. - Great news.

- To family! - Cheers!

(Wade): Every year, on the night before Christmas,

Santa Claus loads up his sled...

with enough toys...

for all the boys and girls in the whole world.

(together): Then how do they fit?

Well, it's a magic sled.

Wade, can I interrupt you for just one second?

Can I just tell you guys the real story about Christmas?

- (together): Yeah. - The cola companies,

they've taken it over and they created Santa.

That's all B-S, okay?

His name...

is Shanto.

He's half... Japanese.

His network of spies is legion.

Every single time you say something,

he's got little microphones everywhere.

That's why at Christmas, you have to be very good.

Because one day,

Shanto might shapeshift into your bedroom...

and carry you back to Japan.

Okay, that's not gonna happen. He's just making that part up.

- He's a shapeshifter. - That's just what Dean believes.

And me.

Shanto lives.

- Hey, Wade? Can I bum a smoke? - Well, yeah. Sure.

- What you got there, man? - Oh, it's, uh...

goalie pads for Chastity.

- I was supposed to get her them pads.

- Well, Trix said that I should get her something.

'Cause she...

Well, Trixie was misinformed.

Well, we could go halves on 'em. We'll put both our names on.

No, no. I, uh... already got 'em.

- Oh- - I just... Yeah. I just gotta wrap 'em.

Considering that, uh...

really dad trumps not-real dad,

maybe you should just tuck these away,

like so she don't never see them again.

- Alright. That's... okay. - Do you know what time it is, man?

- About 20 after 9. - Fuck.

Okay.

Please don't give 'em to her, okay?

Alright. Okay, got it.

Hey, when you're in a hurry, you're in fucking hurry, man.

Just fucking go.

- Go, fuck. Go! - We're goin'!

Just taking down Santa boy

- Hang on! This way. - Sporting goods!

- Yeah... - Sporting goods!

Over here, fuck?

- Here. Go! Go! - Come on.

She is gonna love this!

Sweet, man.

Okay, your total's 302.52.

Can you cover me, man?

Just slice her down on there. Swipe it, stripe it.

We'll be playing them all. You know what I mean?

- Your card's denied. - Just try this one.

I must've missed a payment on that one.

- Right, baby. - Yeah, just doesn't take much, fuck.

- This one's denied. - Okay. That's my bank card there.

Go ahead.

- (beep!) - Fu...

- Insufficient funds. - Fuck...

This is a little embarrassing for everybody.

Maybe you can just do me a fucking Christmas favour...

and ring it through and I'll make sure to...

sort it out by Boxing Day?

You wanna leave me a card that doesn't work?

I wanna get this gear to my daughter Chastity, okay?

You know, it hasn't been that long since you were a child, okay?

- Just fucking take it! - So far...

This isn't a pawn shop.

- I'll shovel your lawn. Do anything. - Fucking take it.

We'll get 'em somewhere else.

We'll get 'em at a business that fucking appreciates business.

- Don't you understand? - I'm sorry.

But I can't let you have it.

I ain't lettin' Wade give her those fucking pads, man.

Fuck that.

I'd rather die than see that chump Christmas morning,

"Oh, Chastity! Here's them pads you asked for".

Fuck you, Wade. Fuck!

Just hold it in! Take a fucking breath!

- I'm the fucking problem. - Then fucking do something about it.

Her fucking real dad is a total fuckup.

- We'll get 'em! We'll get 'em! - He wouldn't even look me in the eye.

- Just relax! - We gotta get those fucking pads, fuck!

- Fuck! - Fuck!

Oh!

What the fuck's goin' on?!

- I'm sorry... - Man, Jesus Christ!

- What's the matter with you? - Get the fuck out of the truck!

What the fuck are you doin'?

(alarm)

Fuck off, Terry!

Cover your face, man. Cover your face.

Just fucking go!

Fuck the truck. Just fucking go.

(alarm)

I was just callin' there to, uh... report a stolen vehicle.

Last time I seen it, it was fucking right outside my house here.

Christmas mornin'.

The world ain't the same at is used to be, fuck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have at it, buddies. Yep.

Oh! What's that, Chastity?

Goalie pads.

Oh...

Looks pretty nice!

Looks top of the line!

- Okay. Yeah. - Wow... Oh, my gosh!

Daddy, did you get these for me?

Shanto built it and brought it.

- Thank you, Shanto. - Pretend there's a puck.

Ready?

- Oh, yeah! - (cheering)

This is fantastic!

Mommy, this is from Santa, but it's half-open.

My chair's still crinkling, Terry.

Shanto done buried another one in here.

It's like friendship:

you give it a good huck sometimes but it always comes back.

Terry! Jingle bell

Jingle bell jingle bell rock

Whoo!

Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring

Whoa!

Whoa!

And bushels of fun

Watch out!

Now the jingle hop has begun

- Oh! - (laughing)

Jingle bell jingle bell jingle bell rock

Jingle bells chime

- In jingle bell time - I'm going with mama!

Too bad!

You owe me one.

So Chastity's like... in grade four now?

No, Dean. She's in grade two.

Okay, so... if like...

while you're here, you and me sort of get back to our old ways.

There's like one less player on the field, you know?

But the game is still on.

- Yeah, I know. - Like...

I know.

What do you mean, "you know"?

Well, I know about... the surgery and that...

you lost another guy.

You fucking know?

Yeah.

That's why we're here. Trish told me.

Fuck, man!

She told me because she was actually concerned about your well-being.

She kinda had the impression that... you were really down.

I mean... suicidal-down.

Everything's tickity boo, man. I'm fucking... Life is deadly.

I can understand that it sucks, and that, you know,

there's a point where you kinda wanna wallow in a little self-pity,

but, fuck, like...

she's a little girl.

That is not an option, right?

Would I do somethin' stupid like that

if I had another fucking baby on the way?

No, I wouldn't.

So... fucking relax.

(kids screaming in the distance)

What does that mean?

I fucking knocked up Trish.

What?

Yeah.

I don't remember. Barely.

Wow...!

That's crazy.

You know, you got stuff to live for, Dean.

- Pass me your plate. - Chickens lay eggs!

Hey, Chris?

Daddy, are you okay?

- Why... why do you ask? Why? - (Trixie): Taking us under their wing...

and they've shown us this really great opportunity.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Good. So... pair of okays.

you order like your household...

Grab that hat there, Chaz. Let's do some karaoke.

Pick someone.

Oh, right to Wade, there. Okay, Wade.

- Okay. - Let's hear it.

O tidings of comfort and joy

Comfort and joy

O tidings of comfort

And joy

Valued effort. Right on!

Chastity, who's next? Who do you think?

- Mm-hmm... - Deaner!

- Oh...! - Please...

- No, I... I ain't singing, man. - Please, Daddy...

Please...

Come on, Deaner. Do it.

Alright.

- What did you get? - More Than a Feeling.

So I'm goin' to Cabo Wabo tomorrow;

you guys probably aren't gonna see me for a really long time.

And I just wanted to say goodbye.

I'll be thinking about you guys out there...

and I just wanted you guys to know that... I love you guys all.

I looked out this morning and the sun was gone

Turned on some music to start my day

I lost myself in a familiar song

(in a high-pitched voice) I closed my eyes

And I slipped away

(karaoke music)

It's more than a feeling

When I hear that old song start to play

I begin dreaming

'Til I see Marianne walk away

I see my Marianne walking away

(exaggerating the note)

What the fuck is goin' on, Dean?

So many people have come and gone

Their faces fade

As the years go by

But I still recall

As I wander on

As clear as the sun in the summer sky

Slipped away

(exaggerating the note)

I can't believe my fucking ears, Dean!

- Whoo! - (applauding)

Do it again!

(exaggerating the note)

It's 'cause of your... ballessness.

A castrati!

(high pitch): Castrati

One more! One more! One more.

Merry Christmas.

You're stayin', man. You're stayin'.

Goodnight, Dean.

- Ahem... thanks for everything. - Goodnight.

- And you have the number to call me if she gets freaked out.

- (whispering): Yeah, you got her. - Thanks, Deaner.

Later, Wader.

Thank you.

Yeah, thanks for havin' us.

- Yeah, take care. - Okay. You too.

Hey, uh... goodnight, Dean.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas, Dean.

Ah...

Here we go, honey.

Oh...

Yeah...

Yep. You see?

Here you go...

- There's no place like Christmas. (echoing)

(bells tolling)

Ah...

Dean!

Farrel!

Farrel, is that fucking you, man?

It's good to see you, man.

Dean, what have you learned this Christmas?

Get the fuck out of here, man. You...

I don't need to be saved, Farrel. I al...

I already found the Christmas spirit...

and the Christmas miracle.

Your voice has wings.

Ah...!

- So use them. - Use them.

- Use them. - Use them...

Use them!

Use 'em...

Use them!

(laughing maniacally)

Use... them!

He's a chubby little fellow with a long white beard

And he brings us Christmas cheer

he's a ruddy little fellow with a bright-red coat

And a sleigh with eight reindeer

He's a happy little fellow with a pack on his back

And a smile that shines so bright

he's the jolly little fellow called Santa Claus

- (muffled screaming) - No! Tron!

He's a chubby little fellow

With a long white beard

It's gonna be okay, I've had a Christmas miracle.

(high pitch): Fuck you!

Come on, die!

Oh!

Oh...

- I'm okay, man! I'm fucking okay!

Stop it.

Fuck man! (screaming)

You fucking pissed yourself, man!

Fuck! Jesus fuck!

What the fuck's the matter with you, man?

- Pissed myself. - (sobbing)

It's okay, man.

Okay...

It's really... It stinks, man.

I need a cloth.

Ah, shh! Chastity's upstairs.

Sorry, kids!

(broken glass)

No one knows this, man.

No one ever fucking hears about this, man.

Oh...

Oh, fuck, man. (broken glass)

I'm gonna go...

I'm gonna go wash these pants nice and clean.

Don't worry.

If you hang up the stockings and you're quiet as a mouse...

Be sure to turn off the lights...

Then the jolly little fellow called Santa Claus...

Will be around on Christmas Eve night

He's a chubby little fellow with a long white beard

And he loves little girls and boys

And he never cares if you're rich or poor

Shanto?

Did you bring me a present?

Then the jolly little fellow called Santa Claus

Will be around on Christmas Eve night

Thank you, Shanto.

You're welcome.

Merry Christmas, Shanto.

Merry Christmas, little girl.

- Yes, sir! - Whoo!

- She looks so good, you know? - Doesn't she?

- Like a deadly little ice dragon. - Yeah.

Just like ready to breathe fire on any opponent.

So you're gonna get the treatment and you know what it is?

No screwing around, you know? I think I learned my lesson.

Yeah, like what am I gonna get? Like a cancer of the penis next?

I'm gonna ride your ass about it.

Just make sure Wade's not around.

Hey, come on, you guys! It's fun!

(honking)

Dean, it's fucking Tron!

Merry Christmas!

I have presents. My list says you were good this year.

Merry Christmas.

I recognize you, little girl.

- Merry Christmas, Tron. - You alright?

Yeah. Did you get those pants back?

Yeah. Thanks, man. They're...

- Cool, man. - crispy clean.

I must admit it, you know,

it's good to just be back at good old hanging out...

with my best bud here, you know, fucking skatin' and havin' a good time.

I was blinded by some love, and... Dean...

I was blinded by anger.

It is fucking weird knowing that Dean's the father of my child,

but Dean's got one more in the bag...

with his bag.

To be honest, I haven't told Trish that,

you know, I can't really produce... living sperm, so...

You know, I don't think she actually knows.

Hopefully, it'll look fucking mostly like her,

and it won't be an issue.

Lotsa babies there, you know,

they don't look anything like their fucking parents.

Lotsa fucking babies look like me and they ain't mine.

- Yeah. - Good shot!

Kicked it right out! That's my little girl!

(high pitch): Bravo!

Oh...!

Was it something I said or something I did

Did my words not come out right

Though I tried not to hurt you

Whoo!

But I guess that's why they say

Every rose has its thorn

Just like every night has its dawn

Just like every cowboy

Sings a sad sad song

Every rose has its thorn

(cheering)

The light shines so bright like beacons in the night

Telling of goodwill and sweetness and cheer

The season has come when we are all as one

Christmas time is here

Here comes the snow

Well let it blow

Your heart's aglow

Well let it show

Because there's no

No no no no

No place like Christmas

Songs that were sung

As a child have become

It's like flickering fire

It's been so long

So let's all join along

Sing like a heavenly choir

Here comes the snow

Well let it blow

Your heart's aglow

Well let it show

Because there's no

No no no no

No place like Christmas

(Dean): The socks have all been...

nailed to the wall.

All them kids are hoping that Shanto

has shapeshifted and filled them all.

Each heart is childlike and warm.

Dreamin' of sweet things to come on Christmas morning.

Here comes the snow

Well let it blow

Your heart's aglow

Well let it show

Because there's no

No no no no

No place like Christmas

Here comes the snow

Well let it blow

Your heart's aglow

Well let it show

Because there's no

No no no no

No place like Christmas

(Terry): Christmas is just the most wonderful time of the year.

You can just sit back and get rip-roared...

and loaded on eggnog...

and mow down on those little tiny oranges.

God bless us everyone!