Original subtitles

[Ted Narrating] Kids...

once your Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily found a nanny for baby Marvin...

they were excited for their first day out together in five months.

- And so were we. - [All Shouting]

- Mama! Dada! - Oh.

Hey.

Ah. So, now that there's no screaming baby to distract us...

what have you guys been up to lately?

[Ted Narrating] This was a surprisingly loaded question.

You see, right after Marvin was born, Lily and Marshall had issued a decree.

New rule. You can't come to us with any issue...

unless it's an eight or higher.

And we were doing our best to abide.

Ted, how are things going with Victoria?

My dad made the funniest joke.

He said that since you're the reason I left the wedding...

you owe him the $70,000 he paid for it, or else.

[Laughing]

You know, he's not usually funny like that.

[Ted Thinking] Not promising, but not an eight.

Everything's great.

And, Robin, how's everything with Nick?

Finally ready for a ride on the bike?

Who, me?

Let's ride, big daddy.

Oh, yeah.

Mama likey.

- Robin. - Hmm?

Over here.

Eco-friendly.

She runs on corn.

[Robin Thinking] Total lady-bone killer...

but not an eight.

Everything's great.

And how are things for the old Barnacle?

Oh. [Panting]

[Thinking] Not an eight.

At best, she was a six, six and a half.

More like a four by the time I was done with her.

- Mental self five. - [High-five Slap]

Everything's great.

To the long-awaited MacLaren's return of Marshall and Lily.

- [Cheering] - Yay!

- Mmm. - Mmm.

I've missed this. Okay, we gotta go.

What... You just got here.

I cleared my whole night for you guys.

I didn't even bring my booty-call phone.

Oh, I'm sorry, but we just really need some time to ourselves.

I promise we'll hang out soon.

- See you guys. - All right.

[Man] ♪ Booty, booty, booty, booty rocking everywhere ♪

♪ Booty, booty, booty, booty rocking everywhere ♪

- ♪♪[Continues] - Yeah, like I'm gonna leave this at home.

Barney Stinson. How may I direct my penis?

It is so nice to be out in the fresh air.

- You smell that? - Oh.

That's the smell of urine that isn't Marvin's.

Oh, God. I miss that smell.

You know, I thought we'd spend the whole time worrying about Marvin...

but it's actually nice to be out in the world, living life.

Yeah.

[Tires Screeching]

- [Horn Honks] - [Gasps]

Death is all around us.

Wow. That urine smell just got a lot stronger.

♪♪[Upbeat Pop]

♪♪[Man Vocalizing]

Ripped By mstoll

♪♪[Ends]

So, you guys spent your first night out in five months...

sitting at home, planning for your own deaths?

Yep, we found this Web site that helps you make a will.

- "In the event of your death"... - [Yelps]

I'm sorry. I-It's just real sad to think about.

Oh, I know.

- "In the event of your death"... - [Sobs]

Okay. You know what? Let's just start with something easy, okay?

Yeah. "Please enter your zip code."

[Sobbing] We'll never get mail again.

I keep reassuring Lily that this is all hypothetical.

Relatively speaking, New York City is very safe.

Please! Faulty elevators...

exploding manhole covers, jealous husbands.

This place is a coroner's paradise.

Oh, my God.

They are way more likely to eat it...

in a mugging gone wrong.

There was a double "homi" on your block a week ago.

Caught it on the scanner during lunch.

Knife job. Guy made a real mess of it too.

Oh! [Crying]

Anyway, then we got to the section...

about picking a guardian.

"Sometimes couples choose one of their parents as a guardian."

That makes it simple. My mom.

- Your mom? - What's wrong with my mom?

- Are you... - [Voices Speed Up]

Fine! All right!

Marvin won't go to my loving mother.

- But he's gotta go to somebody. - Fine.

- What about my mom? - [Scoffs] Your mom?

- Um, excuse... - [Voices Speeding Up]

Fine! Not my mom.

- What about my dad? - Your dad?

[Voice Speeds Up] Okay, yeah. He's out.

Wait a minute. You know who would be good?

My brother, Marcus. He's, like, a great dad.

Do you remember his Christmas card?

♪♪[Male Chorus Vocalizing]

Questionable denim choices aside...

Marcus is a good dad.

I guess if Marvin has to go to anyone, it should be family.

Okay, great.

Okay.

Marcus. Hey, how's it going?

Pretty freaking sweet, butt wipe.

I packed up all my crap.

I said, "See ya" to Sarah and the kids...

and I finally got my dream job as a mixologist down here at Carnalism 2.

Hold on.

Some punk's trying to use his snorkel rental as a bong.

Hey! [Jamaican Accent] You be packing that bowl too tight, mon!

So now we don't have a guardian.

You know, as your best friend...

if called upon, I'd be honored to raise Marvin.

If you want him to be raised by his underwear on a flagpole, Ted's your guy.

If you want him pulling the cord on some other nerd's panties, I'm your guy.

I'll teach that kid how to be awesome in ways you and Lily never could.

It's going to be legen... Wait for it.

No, I won't wait for it. And neither should little baby Marvin...

so maybe it's better if you two just die right now...... dary.

[Ted Narrating] And so began the longest week of Lily and Marshall's lives.

Huh?

Huh?

♪♪ [Note]

♪ Bro MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-bro ♪

♪ And on that farm he had some chicks ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-bro ♪

♪ With a hot chick here and dumb chick there... ♪♪

Huh? Huh?

♪♪ [Note]

♪ Bro, bro, bro your broat gently to the bar ♪

♪ Hit on sluts then do 10 shots and... ♪♪

Huh?

Huh?

Oh!

♪♪ [Note]

♪ The boobs on the bus go up and down ♪

♪ Up and down, up and down ♪

♪ The boobs on the bus go up and down ♪

♪ All through the town ♪♪

What, you think you can bribe them with a stroller?

They've already got one, fool.

Oh, this is no stroller, Robin.

I call it the broller. Go ahead. Look inside.

[Sighs]

I don't get it. I don't see anything.

Yeah, but Papa does.

Are those Robin's boobies?

When nubile hotties lean in to inspect your bundle of joy...

you can inspect their bundles of joy.

The broller. God! I come up with a lot of good stuff!

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

- Hey. - Lily and I need you to come upstairs.

This is an important decision, and we can't have you constantly interrupting us...

with this childish competition.

Which is why we're gonna make it an official competition!

We're gonna play Who Wants To Be a Godparent?

Right after this word from our sponsors.

[Whispering] Why is he talking to the wall?

Wait. This is how you're gonna choose a guardian for Marvin?

Why don't you just put us in a three-way cage match...

and go with whoever's left standing?

We talked about that, but it gave Robin an unfair advantage.

- [Marshall] Yeah. - You see, guys, we were really struggling with this decision.

♪ All through the town ♪

[Sighs]

Babe, I know these guys have been a little over the top lately.

"A little"?

But we still have to pick a guardian, just in case.

- In case of what? - Don't make me say it.

Say it. I can handle it. Say it.

- In case we die. - [Crying]

How can you even say it?

[Marshall] And then I thought, "What do you do if you've got a wife who won't stop crying...

three idiots who won't stop bribing you...

and a universally beloved skill for gamesmanship?"

You take a bunch of guardianship scenarios, throw 'em on a wheel...

buy your wife an expensive dress so she'll participate.

I'm pretty again.

Bottom line is I just wanted to make the idea of me and Lily dying...

- Oh. - Fun.

Now, if you'll step behind your podiums, we'll get started.

[Clears Throat]

Contestants, here's how the game works.

Lily will spin that wheel. Not yet.

When it lands on a parenting issue...

you'll each describe how you would handle it with Marvin.

The contestant with the highest score gets to be his godparent.

Ready to play? Great. Lily, spin that wheel!

See, now, see, um, enthusiasm will factor into your scores.

- So, I say again, Lily... - [All] Spin that wheel!

Ooh. Our demise.

- Oh! - [Clears Throat] Barney.

How would you explain to little Marvin...

why we're not around anymore?

No!

Easy. All I'd have to do is change a few words to one of my classics with the ladies.

The president of the world has called your parents away...

on a super-secret space mission.

For the sake of the planet, you will never see them again.

Now, pick up your toys and say good night to Daddy.

What do you know? The last line stays the same.

- Judges? - [Raspberry]

Okay, Robin, what would you do?

Remember, "president of the world called parents away for a super-secret space mission"...

has already been taken.

Well, my dad was always up-front and honest with me...

so that's how I would be.

All right, kid. Here's the deal with the deal.

Your mom and dad are done-ski.

Belly flopped off a subway platform.

Mom busted open like a piñata.

What was left of your dad hung around for a few days.

Anyway, plug's pulled, organs donated.

Long story short, I'm your new mommy now. [Chuckles]

So-wish!

[Crying]

I... I was saving these for the showcase.

Here, hang on.

- Hey, Lily, look, baby. Look. His and her watches. - Oh!

[Clears Throat] Ted.

Category's all yours.

Okay, here's what I would say.

Well, Marvin, explaining where your parents are isn't gonna be easy.

Even I, Lily and Marshall's best friend...

for almost 20 years...

will have a hard time doing it.

But I do know a guy who's very good at this sort of thing.

Professor Infosaurus!

[High-pitched Voice] Hey there, squirt.

Death is a difficult yet unfortunate certainty.

- Good enough! - ♪♪ [Note Chimes]

- Ted wins the round. - Yes! Yes! You will see.

Professor Infosaurus will be a big, big hit with children.

Isn't that right, kids? Hmm?

[Ted Narrating] Moving on.

[Marshall] Discipline.

How would you handle Marvin taking another kid's toy?

- Barney. - [Scoffs] That's easy.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - I'm calling Child Services.

Wait for it.

I'll return your $1,900 alligator-skin belt...

when you return that toy.

- Until then, you can wear this disgusting... - [Gasps]

Black-and-brown reversible belt.

- [Crying] - Hey.

[Sobbing] I don't like it any more than you do.

Ted, how would you discipline little Marvin?

I would be firm.

Fair, but firm.

You, sir, just lost your television privileges.

Okay, you can watch TV, but nothing violent.

Okay, it can be violent, but you have to do the dishes first.

Okay, I'll do the dishes. You watch TV.

Hey, let's go get some ice cream! Come on!

But no sprinkles.

- Robin. - Okay, sprinkles.

Um, I would do what my dad did.

Tough love.

You know where you're headed, chief?

The British Columbia Military School for Boys.

Of course, you're actually a boy...

so at least you won't have to shave all your hair off...

and burn your "girlie clothing" in an old oil drum...

while your father stands there and laughs at you through the flames.

- Oh, my God! - ♪♪ [Note Chimes]

I think that Robin wins this round...

because we love her, and she's in a safe space.

Right, guys?

- Robin matters! - Yay, totally.

Now that's just one point, right?

- Lily. - [All] Spin that wheel!

Oh. Oh. Oh!

Birds and bees.

Barney, how would you teach young Marvin about the facts of life?

Hmm.

You're gonna love Amsterdam, little bro.

[Both Sighing]

Okay, Barney's out of this round.

Ted, how would you handle the talk?

Well, Marvin would be a young adult...

so you wouldn't wanna talk down to him.

But that doesn't mean you can't... get down with him.

[High Voice, Rapping] ♪ When two adults wish to procreate ♪

♪ They lay together and copulate ♪

♪ Male gametes or spermatozoa ♪

♪ Implant themselves in the lady's ova ♪

♪ Break it down ♪♪ [Beatboxing]

I'm sorry. Don't you need to actually have had sex in order to explain it?

Professor Infosaurus also has a rap about ignoring bullies.

Robin, birds and bees?

Well, yeah, I, for one, don't think you have to teach Marvin a thing.

If he's anything like his dad, he's a natural-born stud.

Lily got a little braggy at a cucumber stand once, big guy. [Clicks Tongue]

- ♪♪ [Chimes] - Robin wins again.

- Oh, come on! - What? That's clearly pandering!

- Spin... that... - [All Shouting]

Wheel!

[Ted Narrating] We played long into the night...

- eventually making it to the dreaded... - Lightning round.

- First word. - [Tambourine Rattles]

Beam.

Actually, that's a joist...

which carries the stress of the ceiling...

versus the primary architectural load.

- But that's my boy. - [Toy Squeaking]

- Nerd. - [Gasps]

That's my boy!

- [Marshall] First heartbreak. - [Toy Rattles]

I know this hurts, little buddy...

but you'll love again someday.

Because time will heal a broken heart...

but not that bitch's window.

Run!

Yeah, right. I've seen Barney throw.

He's no Vinnie Pestano. Am I right?

Beloved Indians middle reliever.

Cleveland sports are still relevant.

LeBron who? Right, guys?

Ted, neither you nor Cleveland...

knows how to get over someone leaving them.

Here's how you'd handle heartbreak.

Cheer up, squirt. There are plenty of other wonderful women out there.

[Sobbing] But I thought that she was the one!

I'll be at Uncle Barney's.

This is ridiculous.

I've known you for 16 years. I'm the obvious choice.

Oh, come on. If Ted raises him...

the poor kid's still gonna be a virgin when he's 13.

I'm the obvious choice.

Hey, look, as the only one of us packin' a vag...

I've got a natural instinct for nurturing and crap like that.

Plus, I could teach him how to bow hunt. Yeah, I can do that.

- I am Barney Stinson. - Bow hunt?

- If there is any man in the world... - That is your problem!

Guys, guys, guys! Okay! All right!

Obviously, none of you knows what it really means to be a parent.

Whoa.

Obviously, neither of you know what it means to be a friend anymore.

What are you talking about?

Think about it. This is the most we've seen you two in five months.

You don't seem to care what's going on in our lives unless it's an eight or higher.

Well, what do you expect? We have a baby now.

Yeah. The days of closing down MacLaren's are over.

Unless you wanna get up with us at 5:13 in the morning with a screaming baby.

So that's it?

The end of an era, just like that?

Look, we're sorry if... if we don't have time to sit around the bar...

listening to silly little dating problems.

When you have a baby...

it's not just the most important thing in your life.

It's the only important thing.

When are you guys gonna get that?

I think we get it.

[Door Closes]

I can't believe they just walked out.

Yeah. Maybe it's for the best.

Barney was starting to pull ahead.

I mean, how selfish can they be?

We're trying to raise a child here.

I'm sorry if I don't have time to deal with Ted's, um...

Or Robin's, um...

Or Barney's, um...

Huh.

You know, we were about to name one of them Marvin's godparent...

and I can't tell you what's going on in any of their lives.

[Sighs]

Do you think that maybe we've been a little crappy as friends lately?

♪♪ [Chimes]

Do you really know how to bow hunt?

Um, yeah.

At the British Columbia Military School for Boys, we called it "making lunch."

[Lily] Hey, guys.

We asked Mickey to watch Marvin...

so we could come down and talk.

I know that we didn't get to finish the game...

but... we've reached a decision.

Lily?

We've decided...

to revoke the "eight or higher" rule.

[Robin, Barney, Ted] What?

We wanna know everything that's going on with you guys.

- Really? - You're our best friends.

Everything is an eight or higher.

Oh.

[Ted Narrating] And for the first time in almost half a year...

[Chattering, Laughing]

Lily and Marshall closed down MacLaren's.

Anyway, Victoria's dad and I are working out a payment plan...

with a very reasonable interest rate, so...

But you... At least Nick's bike's fuel-efficient.

We're getting, like, 30, 35 miles to the cob.

Really?

You know, I should've told you about that six and a half sooner.

Barney Stinson banging anything less than an eight, that's, like, a 15!

[Ted Narrating] And it was a great night.

Until...

[Marvin Crying]

Go back to bed. We got this.

And Lily and Marshall finally decided on a guardian.

- You sure about this, baby? - Yes.

No matter what happens, I want Marvin to stay in the family.

- Oh! - Oh, God.

Is that a bowling ball in a onesie?

Run!

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