Original subtitles

[Robin] Kids, have I ever told you the story of how I met your father?

Well, I'll just skip ahead to the moment I told him I was pregnant.

[Groans] What happened?

Did I pass out?

Not exactly.

I'm pregnant.

Are you sure you're not just getting fat?

[Groans]

Oh, yeah.

So, um, you're pregnant.

- [Sighs] Yeah. - Huh.

Looks like nobody told your boobs. [Chuckles]

[Groans] What happened? Did I pass out?

- Oh, my- - Please stop hitting me!

Okay, are-

Are you sure you're-

Well, no, not positive.

I'm a week late. But I am never late.

It's a point of pride with me.

I'm gonna go see the doctor on Monday to find out for sure.

Until then, not a word of this to anyone.

Not even Kevin?

I mean, it's probably his.

I've spent years training my boys to swim the other way.

Kevin and I haven't had sex yet.

If I'm pregnant, you're the dad.

That's... wonderful!

Huh?

I'm gonna be a daddy!

## [Upbeat Pop]

## [Man Vocalizing]

## [Ends]

Okay, one scotch for me.

One iced tea in a rocks glass for Mommy.

- Stop it. - Sorry, sorry. Keeping it secret.

Ooh, I think I gave you the wrong one. Here, let me just-

- Give it to me. Drop it. Let go. - Ye- I don't- You-

Take it away from you.

Barney, why are you so happy about this?

Because this is perfect! I wanna be a dad.

This is not good news. I have a boyfriend.

Yeah, but if Kevin weren't around-

It doesn't matter!

I don't want kids. I've never wanted kids.

And never in a million years will I ever want kids.

[Robin] Sorry, kids.

I can't have a baby.

Hey, guys. Guess what this is?

One of your socks? Boom! You're huge.

No, it's our unborn son's Christmas stocking.

Grandma Gunderson started knitting it the day Lily and I got married.

She died before she could finish.

Hmm.

I miss stockings.

My stepdad, Clint, made us get rid of anything...

that reminds him of the commercialization of Christmas.

I thought you said he dresses up as Santa.

Yeah, but, uh, to protest gender stereotypes, he plays Santa as a woman.

Though he keeps the beard.

The result... is... disturbing.

Well, we should go.

We have to get to We B Babies so that we can register for our shower.

No can do.

I have a big project that I'm working on.

- This is Richard Holdman's house in East Meadow. - ## [Festive]

Last year, he had the most visited Christmas display in the Tri-State area.

But not this year. You know why?

Because Big Fudge has come to town.

And he brought his two friends-

Mannheim... Steamroller.

Game on.

- [Hiccups] - Are you okay?

Yeah. Uh, it's just, um-

I hate Mannheim Steamroller.

Isn't there anyone else you can use?

Come on. Who am I gonna use if not the Steamroller?

I don't know. AC/DC?

AC/DC.

Robin, do you have any idea...

why they call them Mannheim Steamroller?

Because they rock... so hard, so festively...

that steam comes out of your brain...

as it melts.

So, I have to go to We B Babies by myself?

Robin and I will go with you.

Barney, what are we doing here?

I wanna show you that having a kid is nothing to be afraid of.

- [Chattering, Laughing] - [Crashing]

[Groaning] Kids, stop.

[lmitates Gunshot]

- Okay, first on the registry- nipple butter. - Uh-oh.

As you breast-feed, your nipples stretch out, like, four inches and get all dry and cracked.

The nipple butter stops the bleeding.

My four-inch nipples are gonna crack and bleed!

Yes, but while the baby's gnawing on your bleeding nips...

Iook what she'll be wearing!

Insane Duane?

Barney?

[Robin Narrating] lnsane Duane was your father's best friend...

back in the days before he met me or your Uncle Ted.

Goin' back to her place. Boom!

All right, you win! Here's 20 for picking up a girl with only one word.

And here's another 20 for that word being "boner."

Thank you. I will meet you back here in an hour when I'm done with, uh-

Who cares what her name is? She won't be around long enough for it to matter.

[Laughs] Nice.

- Honey, this is my friend- - Shh.

I can't believe I haven't seen you around.

Well, after Sheila and l had that quickie...

my life's been playdates, preschools and poops.

- I haven't set foot in a bar in years. - You stopped drinking?

Oh, I still drink.

Vaginal numbing spray.

Apparently, after childbirth, your hoo-ha looks like Rocky Balboa's face.

- You can't have a baby! - I can't have a baby!

[Robin Narrating] The next day, we went to the doctor.

Well, Mrs. Scherbatsky, I'm sure that you and your husband-

- Uh, he's not my husband. - Oh, I am so sorry. Your boyfriend then.

- He's not my boyfriend. - [Mutters In Russian]

All right, well, I will just cut to the chase, yeah?

- Wait. Wait. - All right.

- Okay. - All right, we're ready. Good.

Um, you? Not pregnant.

- [Robin Sighs] - Yeah!

- ## [iPod: Dance] - Oh, yeah! That's what I'm talkin' about!

[Yelling]

Yeah! You know! You know!

[Robin] Again, sorry, kids.

Hey, mister. Are you putting up all these Christmas lights?

Oh, kid, by the time I'm done, you're gonna be able to see this sumbitch from outer space.

Cool.

I wanted to put lights on our house, but...

my dad says he's too busy with work and stuff.

Hey, what do you say, uh...

you come back here next weekend and help me out?

Yeah. You've got yourself a deal!

- I'm Scott. - I'm-

Mr. Eriksen.

Thanks, Mr. E!

Mr. E.

Looks like some little scamp just earned the right to put the Vikings helmet on Baby Jesus.

[Robin Narrating] Later that week...

as I was enjoying every second of not being pregnant-

[TV: Male Announcer] Next on Teenage Mommies.

[TV: Girl] But you said you'd watch Bella!

[TV: Girl #2] I have cheerleading practice!

[Chuckles] Sucks to be you, Braces!

[Phone Rings]

Oh. Yello!

Uh, yeah, I can come back in.

Robin, we ran some tests last week.

This is going to be difficult to hear.

[Robin Narrating] And then the doctor said a bunch of medical stuff that-

Well, the gist of it was this.

I can't have a baby?

No, you can't have a baby.

Uh, great.

Uh, well, I mean, um, not-not great.

I mean, I've never wanted kids, so if it has to happen to someone, it-

Robin, is there anyone you can talk to about this?

Perhaps a close friend.

[Robin Narrating] I knew I could have talked to my friends.

But it's just, I already knew exactly how they would all react.

Ted would go into overdrive trying to make me feel better.

You need comfort food. Fried chicken, mac 'n' cheese, mashed potatoes.

Open your present. I'll work on these shoulders.

Okay, just breathe, relax, eat your chicken.

Come on, eat! Breathe! Open it! Breathe! Open it! Eat!

- Robin, why are you so tense? - [Groans]

[Robin Narrating] Lily would just implode.

And here I've been going on and on about babies.

[Sobbing] Oh, I am such a bad friend!

- And I'd wind up comforting her. - It's okay.

You have to punch me in the face!

Marshall would ask me a ton of questions I don't know the answers to.

- Have you thought about adoption? - Um, well-

- Does this kind of thing run in your family? - Uh-

What was the date, duration and consistency of your last period?

And your father would bend over backwards trying to make me laugh.

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar-

No, a barbershop. No, a post office.

No, it's two priests. No, it's two ducks.

No, a priest holding a duck. And he's Polish. The priest, not the duck.

Actually, the duck could be Polish too. Doesn't matter.

Yes, it does. The duck's not Polish.

And when that didn't work, he would actually bend over backwards.

Pratfall! Whoa! [Groans]

The bottom line is I didn't feel like talking about it. So when Ted asked-

Hey, Robin, you okay? You look upset.

I just came up with the first lie that popped into my head.

Yeah, uh...

I just found out I can never...

b- be a pole-vaulter for the Canadian Olympic team.

I'm too tall or something.

- I'm so sorry. - I had no idea.

Can we get some fried chicken over here? Stat!

I am such a bad friend!

Three slutty nuns show up at St. Peter's- Wait, wait. They're not slutty.

Well, they are, but you're not supposed to know that yet.

- [Phone Rings] - Hey, baby. What's up?

Hey, uh, listen, the construction of the Symphony of lllumination...

is taking a little longer than I thought.

Good thing I have Scott here to help me. Right, Scott?

You betcha, Mr. E!

Bad news. Robin's too tall to be an Olympic pole vaulter.

Has she filed an appeal with the l.O.C.?

Have you filed an appeal with the l.O.C.?

Could she make herself shorter by slouching?

Can you make yourself shorter by slouching?

Has she considered going back to school...

and competing at the collegiate level?

Have you considered going back to school-

- I don't want to talk about it! - Sorry.

Okay, I love you, baby. See ya tomorrow.

Okay, I love you too.

Whoops.

[Phone Clatters On Ground]

Scott? Scott, I dropped my phone!

Yep. Found it.

- Could you bring it up here? - You got it.

Hey, while I'm at it, can I get you a beer?

He wants to bring the old man a beer.

Yeah, sure. Uh, there's a whole case in the fridge.

Thanks, son.

Do you- Do you mind if I call you "son?"

You can call me whatever you want...

jackass.

Scott, the ladder fell.

Scott?

## [Stereo: Hip-hop, Loud]

## [Continues]

Scott!

## [Muzak: "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"]

Listen, I know things have been kind of weird between you and me these past couple weeks...

so I just want to say, I'm-I'm glad we're back to where we started.

- Yeah. - Friends with benefits.

- No. - Just like always.

Never been that. Just friends.

With benefits. We'll talk about it later.

- Look at all these babies. - Hmm.

Isn't it crazy how, now that we're not having one, babies are cute again?

Ha-ha! Look at that one.

- I'm good. - No, I'm serious. Look, look.

- [Barney Laughs] - Aw, damn it, that thing's cute as crap.

[Gasps]

[Whispering] Screw you, baby.

- ## [Hip-hop Continues] - Scott?

- Scott! What is going on? - Hey, Mr. E.

Scott, if you do not let me down...

I am going to scream my head off until someone comes to help me...

and then you're gonna have to explain all of this to the cops.

And then you'll have to explain why there's a picture of my ding-dong on your phone.

There is no picture of your-

- There is now. - [Shutter Clicks]

Oh, yeah. That's a beauty.

Scott! Scott!

## [Continues]

[Whispers] Scott!

Marshall keeps asking me...

to text him pictures of my boobies.

After all these years, he sometimes still acts like a teenager.

I'll be right back.

Insane Duane.

It's... Sane Duane now.

You used to be magnificent.

[Sighs Quietly]

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

Yeah, um-

I guess this, um- this pole vaulting thing is finally hitting me.

I don't get it, Robin. Did you really want to be a pole vaulter?

No.

No, I was, uh-

I was always adamantly against having a-

uh, a pole vaulting career...

even though it's what most women want.

Most women want to be a pole vaulter?

In Canada. It's very big up there.

You know, it's meet a nice guy, get married, vault some poles.

But I never wanted that.

Of course, it-it's one thing not to want something.

It's another to be told you can't have it.

I guess it-it's just nice...

knowing that you could someday do it if you changed your mind.

But now, all of a sudden, that door is closed.

What about the one where you ski and shoot at the same time?

That seems like something you'd be good at.

Oh, my God, Robin. Look at this.

O Cana-dorable! Am I right?

Excuse me.

[Mumbling] Yep, this works.

- ## [Hip-hop] - Scott!

When I get down from here, you are gonna be in big, big trouble, mister!

Come on, Mr. E. Didn't you ever cut loose when you were a kid?

That's irrelevant.

But of course I did.

One time, when my parents were out of town...

my brothers and l set the basement on fire...

hosting an amateur wrestling exhibition.

There were some theatrics.

See? You get me.

I don't think of you as some dummy I trapped on the roof.

I- I think of you more like- like my dad.

Can we keep the party going for 30 more minutes? Please?

## [Continues]

Okay, Scott.

Thanks, Pop.

It's fine. The kid just needed to blow off some steam.

- ## [Continues] - [Shouting, Cheering]

No! Grandma Gunderson knitted that!

Scott!

That was crazy.

She just ran out of there crying.

Now she's not answering her phone.

She's been acting really weird for a few weeks now.

Really since the night we discussed the hurricane.

Barney, you split a cab home. Did she say anything?

We really didn't talk much.

Well, lucky for us...

someone at this table is skilled in the art of detection.

Robin's upset.

She and Kevin are having trouble.

- He cheated on her. - [Lily] No way.

Kevin's an honest, decent guy...

who never on his best day could pull a hotter chick than Robin.

Maybe Robin cheated on him.

Maybe Robin is the dirty bird who slept with someone else.

I don't know. This pole vaulting thing seems like a slam dunk to me.

Oh, it is so obvious! Barney!

What is the name of that guy you worked with?

Uh, Randy? It was Randy.

Wait a second. I just cracked this case.

- [Whimpers] - The little maple leaf onesie.

It made her homesick. That's why she's so upset!

She's not going home for Christmas.

She wants me to invite her to Ohio.

That's gotta be it!

Either that or she slept with Barney. [Chuckling]

- [Both Chuckling] - [Laughing]

[Muttering, Laughing]

[Laughing Stops]

[Coughs]

Oh, you must be Scott.

Oh, uh, hello, ma'am.

It's nice to finally see your face.

Well, better go hit those books.

Hold it right there, young man.

This is for helping out my husband.

Wow! Fifty bucks?

Merry Christmas.

Lily!

An airplane ticket to Cleveland?

I know it's not Canada, but it starts with a "C" and it's cold as balls.

So get packed. You're coming home with me for Christmas.

Yeah, nice try, dude.

I wouldn't go to Cleveland for $125 million paid over six years.

Still? Still with the LeBron jokes?

Where's that ring, huh? Where's that ring he's supposed to have by now?

I just- I thought you were...

bummed about not going home for Christmas.

Are you kidding?

I love New York at Christmas.

It's so quiet and peaceful.

Got my eggnog to keep me company.

Robin, what's wrong?

Nothing.

- Just tell me. - Why do you need to know so bad?

- So I can cheer you up. - It's not your job to cheer me up.

Yes, it is. Cheering you up is my job.

Well, then you're fired.

You can't fire me. I'm union, bitch.

- It's not your job to cheer me up. - Yes, it is.

- No, it's not. - Yes, it is!

No, it's not!

Merry Christmas, Ted.

Merry Christmas.

[Robin Narrating] So, kids, I settled in for a Christmas alone.

I appreciated that Ted wanted to cheer me up...

but, honestly, it wasn't necessary.

So I can 't have kids. Big deal.

This way, there 's no one to hold me back in life.

No one to keep me from traveling where I want to travel.

No one getting in the way of my career.

If you wanna know the truth of it...

I'm glad you guys aren't real.

Really glad.

[Sighs]

- [Clicking] - Damn it.

- [Sighs] - ## [Rock: A C/DC]

## [Continues]

## [Continues]

Yes, it is.

You don't wanna tell me what's wrong?

Fine. I don't need to know.

But you can never stop me...

from trying to cheer you up.

It's a fact of life. You're just gonna have to deal with it.

- Ted, l- - Hold on, hold on. This is the best part.

# I'm on a highway to hell#

# On the highway to hell#

# Highway to hell#

[Ted Narrating] Kids, your Aunt Robin never became a pole vaulter...

but she did become a famous journalist...

a successful businesswoman, a world traveler.

She was even briefly a bullfighter.

That's a funny story. I'll get to that one later.

But there 's one thing your Aunt Robin never was-

she was never alone.

# And I'm goin' down ##