Original subtitles

[Ted Narrating] Kids, for years your Uncle Barney...

had reveled in mocking Aunt Robin 's heritage.

To have to grow up in Canada- with America right there.

It's like an entire country without a tailor.

Why? Why do we let you be a country?

But all that was about to change.

Guys, I have a very important announcement to make.

- I was on Facebook- - Nobody cool is on Facebook anymore.

Well, you know who is on Facebook now? Everybody's parents.

And, um, I just happen to be friends...

with Barney's long-lost father- Mr. Jerome Whitaker.

- Me too. - He's gotten really good at Bejeweled Blitz.

And guess who thought my status update about Manitoba...

was so interesting...

because his mother was born in Manitoba.

- What? - Which means your grandmother-

- No. - Which makes you-

- Don't say it! - one-quarter Canadian!

## ["O Canada"]

- [All Laughing] - Welcome to the tribe, hoser.

No. It's not true.

That's impossible!

[Moans]

## [Upbeat Pop]

## [Man Vocalizing]

## [Ends]

[Ted Narrating] Once upon a time at a Halloween party...

I met a girl dressed like a pumpkin- a slutty pumpkin-

and she was extraordinary.

But she gave me her number on a Kit Kat bar...

which was tragically given away as Halloween candy.

So every year, I return to that same party hoping I'd see her again.

But with every passing October, that hope grew a little dimmer.

Then one day, after 10 years of searching-

Oh, my God.

[Whispering] The slutty pumpkin.

This might sound creepy...

but do you have a record of who rented it in 2001?

Hmm.

Wow. That was easy.

You're not the first lovelorn young man to walk through that door.

Three girls got proposals...

off my wife's slutty artichoke costume.

Two others disappeared, but I focus on the positive.

I couldn't believe it. I actually had her address.

I knew I had to play this right.

It's not like I could just walk up and knock on her door.

Hi. Uh, you probably don't remember me, but-

Halloween, 10 years ago.

Now that's a slow play.

The next day, Lily and Marshall headed out...

to Lily's grandparents' for dinner.

Marshall loved it out in the burbs.

Look how many fireflies I caught!

Don't forget to poke holes in the jar this time.

Now we have a nice surprise for you.

Whatever it is, we're saying no.

- What? - You know what.

Every time we're here, my grandparents stick us...

with some big old piece of junk they're getting rid of.

It's like the world's worst Showcase Showdown.

It's a perfectly usable...

- lawn mower! - [Laughing]

We live in an apartment.

Well, but maybe someday, when we move to the suburbs-

We're never moving to the suburbs.

And you also get... this skinny microphone!

Oh!

Before we head out to our place in Florida...

we wanted to give our favorite granddaughter...

a little something.

- Oh! - Ooh, it's so small.

I love it!

- A key? - We're giving you the house.

Lily, I know you've always hated the suburbs, but-

We'll take it!

[Ted Narrating] For my first date with the slutty pumpkin...

I took her someplace special.

Ted, this is so romantic-

- the spot where we first met 10 years ago. - Mmm.

Do you remember the song that was playing that night?

I remember how beautiful you looked.

# It's been one week since you looked at me #

# Cocked your head to the side and said "I'm angry" #

Wow. Is that, uh- The Barenaked Ladies, huh?

# Five days since you laughed at me #

# Saying, "Get that together Come back and see me" ##

[Ted Narrating] Kids, it took me 10 years, but I finally kissed her...

and it was... terrible.

Lily, you hate the suburbs.

I know, but my grandparents giving us a house...

right when the baby's on the way?

- It's perfect timing. - This is great.

I'm finally gonna be able to barbecue with proper ventilation.

[Smoke Alarm Beeping]

Marshall! Oh, my God. Marshall.

- We're moving to the suburbs, baby! - Aw.

- Be right back. - Okay.

- Baby, you're not moving to the suburbs. - Why not?

Lily is only agreeing to all this because of pregnancy brain.

Pregnancy brain? That's not a thing.

It's totally a thing.

Her brain is marinating in a cocktail of hormones...

mood swings and jacked-up nesting instincts.

I mean, yes, right now, Lily is a goddess bestowing the miracle of life...

but damn, she dumb.

Well, I have noticed some stuff.

I can't find my keys or wallet anywhere!

I found them... here in the freezer.

Hey, where are the ice cube trays?

No idea.

Those poor ice cubes!

[Sobbing]

- I guess she has been a little off lately. - A little?

She just texted me wanting directions back from the bathroom.

Oh. We're over here.

You're doing great, sweetie.

That moron should not be making big life decisions right now.

If you let her move to the suburbs...

it would be like taking advantage of a helpless, drunk chick.

What? Where?

[Groans] I got a girlfriend. Right.

Baby, we should put off moving.

- Why? - Because I think the pregnancy is affecting your judgment.

No!

Marshall, this is an amazing opportunity...

that we have to take advantage of.

I mean, just because my body is growing a fungus-

- Fetus. - doesn't mean my metal factories-

- Mental faculties. - are in any way funicular.

No idea.

Mm-mmm. [Slurping]

This is nice. What is this?

Canadian whiskey.

I want scotch...

American scotch...

from Scotland!

Get-Get that swill away from me.

[Hissing]

Why are you doing this to me?

You have been rippin' on Canada...

since Justin Bieber was knee-high to a snowblower...

so now this Canuck's gonna beat on you...

Iike the drummer from Yukon Blonde hopped up on Timbits.

- Hi. - Hey.

Hey, how was your big date with the snuffy tuffkin?

I mean the sniffy napkin. The slouchy foreskin.

- Oh. Lily tie-tie. - Mm-hmm.

It was good... ish.

Look, there's Orion's Belt.

Oh.

[Thinking] Why does holding hands feel this weird?

Should our fingers not intertwine?

What's causing that pinching feeling?

I'll just cup her hand.

There. That's... not great.

- M mm. - M mm.

Her hair's up my nose.

Oh, her shoulder is jabbing into my windpipe.

Maybe if we reposition.

[Ted Grunts]

- [Sighs] - Uh-

I have to say something. She must be feeling it too.

This feels so right.

We fit like two puzzle pieces.

Yeah.

Ted, I know you've waited 10 years for this girl...

but some things just aren't meant to be.

Not so fast.

At the end of the night, when I leaned in...

and somehow accidentally kissed her open eyeball...

there was a slight flicker of something...

I might even call chemistry...

adjacent.

Thank you.

Wait.

Wh-Where is my cash?

Oh! Look.

I did a little exchange for ya, canucklehead.

This Canadian dollar here is called a loonie.

And this two-dollar coin? A toonie.

True story.

It's federal currency, and you people talk about it...

Iike it's a Hanna-Barbara character.

Not "you people," Barney.

- Our people. - [Sighs]

[Ted Narrating] Even though my first date with Naomi was a little awkward...

our second date was a lot awkward.

Mmm.

[Thinking] This is the worst kissing of all time!

- M mm. - How could she possibly be into this?

- M mm! - She sounds like those cows in Temple Grandin's hug machines.

- Do you wanna listen to some music? - Uh-huh!

- ## [Country Pop] - Ted, this is our song.

Let's make love to this song.

[Singing Along To Radio] # Chickity China, the Chinese chicken #

# Have a drumstick and brain stops #

Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom.

#...X-Files with no lights on We're dans la maison ##

## [Radio Continues, Muffled]

Hey, doofus!

It's me- you at age 15.

And we made a deal we would always boink any chick that wants to boink us.

Yes, she's beautiful. It's just there's no connection there.

- I don't feel intimate with her. - lntimate?

Let me remind you of some things you did feel intimate with when you were 15.

A catcher's mitt. An oven mitt.

A glass of warm water.

A half-open hide-a-bed sofa.

A top-loading VCR.

It's not gonna happen.

[Groans] Come on!

It'll take, like, 30 seconds!

- Naomi, listen. - Shh.

Oh.

- You like that, Ted? - [Chuckles]

Do you like it when I caress your hair?

Your hair is so nice to caress.

[Thinking] Why is she saying that word?

I like to caress your hair.

There it is again.

Caress! Who says that?

[Whispering] Caress.

The thing is, I like her.

Okay? I really, really like her.

I just don't seem to like anything she says or does.

I have to break up with her, don't l?

- [Together] Yes! - After you sleep with her, yes!

Marshall, I've been thinking about what you said.

You're right. We shouldn't move to the suburbs.

Let's not make any huge life decisions right now.

Is this because you tried to make waffles with the laptop this morning?

Anyway, I'm gonna call a real estate broker...

to come look at the house tomorrow.

Oh, by the way, I ordered those Minnesota Vikings drapes.

You're right. They're totally gonna class up our apartment.

Babe.

Okay, yes, it's wrong to bang the drunk chick...

but you're an idiot if you don't get, like, a little somethin'.

Yo, Canada.

What? Damn it!

Ha. You answer to "Canada" now.

[Sighs]

Make you a deal.

You wear this costume to the Halloween party tomorrow night...

I'll drop it forever.

[Muttering]

You can't be serious.

Oh, I am as serious as a poutine shortage...

in Chicoutimi during a curling bonspiel.

I don't know what any of those words mean.

Yes, you do.

- [Doorbell Rings] - Oh, that must be the broker. Marshall, will you get it?

Sure. 'Course.

[Together] Trick or treat!

Oh, my gosh. How cute.

I'm sorry. We don't have any candy.

We forgot about trick-or-treaters. We don't get any where we live.

Yep. Only get this kind of cuteness in the suburbs.

Oh, look at how sweet and happy...

and unarmed they all are.

Are you using adorable little children in costumes to manipulate me?

- Bye. - I mean, did you even call a real estate broker?

No.

I've got pregnancy brain like a fiddle...

and I've been playing you like a fox.

# O Canada #

[Whimpering] # Our home and native land ##

[Sobbing]

[Ted Narrating] I knew it would be tough to break up with Naomi...

but when it's just not there, you can 't force it.

Happy Halloween.

And just like that, I was taken back 10 years...

to the hopeful kid in the "hanging chad" costume...

falling head over heels for the slutty pumpkin.

I made you something.

- Ohh! - Your costume from that first night.

Although you do realize that even 10 years ago...

that "hanging chad" reference was, like, almost a year old.

[Chuckles] Wow.

I can't believe you made this.

I can't believe you found me.

[Thinking] Stay strong, Teddy.

We can do this.

- l- - "Have to break up with you." Just say it.

- love- - Wait. What?

No. No, no, no, no! Say sunsets. Pancakes. Anything.

- Just don 't say- - you.

No!

- ## [Stereo: Dance] - Barney, where are you?

You're moving slower than John Diefenbaker...

climbing Mt. Hungabee on Boxing Day.

[Laughing] Those are all real references to our shared homeland.

[Barney] I'll be right there.

Can't wait to see you in your costume, Dudley Do-Right.

[Man On Stereo] # Living in America #

Ow!

# Eye to eye #

# Station to station #

# Living in America #

# Hand to hand#

# Across the nation #

# Living in America #

# Got to have a celebration #

# Rock my soul ##

Ow!

If we move here, you're just gonna have that baby...

and then you're gonna hate me for letting you do this.

I'm gonna love it here.

Oh, we'd have so much room in the suburbs.

You can get that pinball machine you've always wanted.

You can put it anywhere you want.

Stop it. You don't know what you're saying.

Anywhere. Upstairs, downstairs-

You can stick it in the back.

Lily, I wanna be inside this house so bad.

[All] U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Go on!

Okay, so rather than wearing a Mountie costume...

and end this forever...

you show up shirtless to an outdoor party?

It's practically November.

No biggie. I ain't cold.

Huh. Interesting. It's fascinating.

Almost as if your body was accustomed to low temperatures...

after generations of adapting.

- [Whispering] Canada. - No.

Guys, hey. Robin, Barney, this is Naomi.

- Hey. - Hey.

So nice to meet you guys.

I'm gonna go make some Tootsie Rolls. It's a drink I invented.

There's a song and dance that goes with it...

but I have to drink three of them before I can do it.

[Chuckles]

- Oh. - Okay, to your right.

This way.

Sounds delicious, in theory...

but you never know until you taste it.

Ted, have you tasted her Tootsie Roll?

- [Groans] - Of course not.

- Ow. - Wait. Have you?

[Gasps] You had sex with someone you had zero feelings for.

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

- Ow! - Stop it!

Just no part of it felt right.

At first there was too much eye contact, then not enough.

Where do you look during sex?

Uh, into the hidden camera at "future me" watching it.

Okay, wait. How does saying "l want to break up with you" lead into sex?

I didn't say "l wanna break up with you," exactly.

What did you say, exactly?

"l love you."

Classic Schmosby.

Marshall, this house wants you so bad.

"Mow my lawn.

Rake my leaves.

Winterize my pipes."

Yes! Yes!

I'm coming... to terms with this decision.

- [Doorbell Rings] - Ooh!

- [Together] Trick or treat! - [Gasps]

Whee! Okay.

Hmm! Ooh.

Happy Halloween.

- Lily? - Yeah?

You just gave those children a stapler...

a pair of sharp scissors and a pretty decent Pinot Noir.

I did?

Oh, my God.

[Crying] I'm gonna miss that stapler so much!

It's okay.

[Sighs] I'm not doing so great, am l?

Maybe not.

We shouldn't make any huge life decisions right now, should we?

Hey, look, I love you...

and l-I love the idea of raising our kids...

with a lawn and a white picket fence...

but we have our whole lives to decide when and if we want to do that.

Do what?

Let's get you home.

Ooh!

[Child] That's for the stapler!

I hate the suburbs.

- Naomi- - We have to end this.

- Wh- Huh? - I'm sorry.

Tootsie Rolls make me really honest.

Ted...

I know you're super into me...

- but we are terrible together. - Wait. What?

I've been trying...

saying things felt good that didn't, just to-

I thought saying it was good would make it feel good, but...

it always felt off.

[Thinking] Why won't he stop sniffing my hair?

And what's up with the hand holding?

It's like he 's trying to win a thumb war.

Ted, this is our song.

[Thinking] Oh, no. He thinks I'm actually into this song.

Does he not get sarcasm?

Let's make love to this song.

I'll just be even more ridiculous to make it clear it's a joke.

# Chickity China the Chinese chicken #

- l- - Uh-oh. Where you going with this, buddy?

Iove-

Nope. Too soon. Say basset hounds.

- Pretzel Crisps. Anything but- - you.

Oh, God. Just kiss him before he proposes.

Ted, I've been looking for the hot hanging chad for the last nine Halloweens.

I've waded through a sweaty parade of Big Lebowskis...

Harry Potters, Antoine Dodsons...

and that jackass who always dresses as laundry.

Oh, I hate that guy.

That's why once I finally found you...

it was hard to let you go.

Good-bye, Ted.

Let's just not touch ever again.

Probably a good idea. Yeah.

[Ted Narrating] Kids, after spending a decade dreaming of the wrong girl...

I wanted more than ever for the next woman I met to be the real thing.

[Chuckles] Yeah, I don't know, Barney.

She doesn't seem like my type.

I will kill you.

I'll see what I can do.

[Mouthing Words]

[Exhales]

- [Whooshing] - [Groans]

[Groans]

[Canadian Accent] Oh, hey there. I'm Barney. How are ya?

No. I'm Barney.

Whoa. You pack quite a wallop there.

Hope you didn't hurt your hand.

Why are you so nice?

[Grunts]

Oh! Sorry about my thick noodle there.

How about we split the cost of the vase, eh?

[Grunts] Holy Zamboni! [Chuckles]

Oh, you really put your weight behind that one.

- That was a really good one. - [Grunts]

Oh, heavens to Gretzky. That was a real Chiclet rattler!