Original subtitles

- Hey. - Hey.

Help my mom with the bags, huh?

- [sighs] hello, raymond.

- Oh, hey, hey, let me get that for you there, mom.

- Oh, raymond.

I have to say,

I just love hearing you calling me that.

- [laughs quietly]

- Yes, ray, I heard. Very sweet.

I'm just gonna go check on the kids.

- Look, ray.

I bought the doughnut holes you like.

Don't show debra.

- Ah, chocolate. - Mm.

- Thanks, mom.

- Hello, marie. - Hi! Hey!

Hi! Whoa!

Didn't hear you.

Gonna tie a bell around your neck.

- Hello, lois.

I didn't mean to interrupt anything.

- No, no, no.

Raymond's just helping me with the groceries.

He is such a nice boy.

- Yes, indeed.

You know, lois, you're here for such a short time.

Let me unpack those groceries.

You go enjoy your grandchildren.

- Are you sure, marie? - Of course.

Raymond will stay and help me.

- Oh, okay. Great.

Thank you.

- So you and lois are getting along?

- Well, yes. She's all right, I guess.

- You two seem to be very familiar.

- Oh, you mean the "mom" thing?

Yeah, remember, I called her that

At thanksgiving the one time?

I don't know.

I guess she likes it, so...

[chuckles] throw her a bone.

- I think it's wonderful that you're still doing it.

- Yeah?

- Of course.

I'm very happy for you.

You have two moms now:

This new one and the one god gave you.

- Got to get that bell.

- Well, the children are down,

And I think that's gonna do it for me for tonight too.

- Oh, thanks, mom. Good night.

- Good night, dear.

Good night, raymond.

- Good night to you.

[singing] and you and you and you

"sound of music." I love that movie.

- What was that?

- Hmm, what?

- Well, why didn't you call her "mom"?

- I don't know. Why does anybody do anything?

- I mean, you were doing it,

And now you're not doing it anymore?

- Well, I was wondering, do I have to constantly say it?

You know, I don't call you the same thing every time,

My hot little chuckle monkey.

- Yeah, but you know she likes "mom."

- Look, I'm just-- I'm mixing it up.

I'm picking my spots. I'm keeping it fresh.

- I know, honey, but I liked it

That you two were getting closer.

You know, it was nice.

It felt like a family.

- Them's the breaks.

- Ray, come on.

- What? Look, it's just--

It makes things kind of confusing around here.

- Confusing?

You call her "mom." she calls you "raymond."

- Right, and all of a sudden,

This place is crawling with moms, right?

You're a mom.

She's a mom.

There's that one over there.

- Wait a minute.

Did your mom tell you not to call my mom "mom"?

- No, she didn't.

But she caught me saying it today, and

An icy wind through this room did blow.

- What do you mean, she caught you?

Have you been hiding it from her?

- No, I'm just trying to make sure

Everyone in this family is emotionally

Groovy.

- So you're just gonna cave in to your mother again.

- Please?

- [sighs] okay, ray, fine.

But I just thought it was really nice for my mom

And for you too.

Things between you two seemed to be so healthy.

Your relationship's, like, really starting to blossom.

But you want to ruin a good thing?

Fine. It won't be the first time.

- Oh, come on.

Look, it's not like you call my mom "mom."

- [scoffs] yeah.

- No, wait, wait.

What are you scoffing at that for?

Why don't you call my mom "mom"?

- What, are you kidding me?

- Oh, yeah. See, huh?

Yeah, it's easy to use the glue

When you don't have to kill the horse yourself.

- What?

- No. No, I'm staying with that.

That makes sense.

- Yeah, ray, I think things between your mom and me

Are a little bit different.

- Oh, yeah, really? How so?

- Look, I see her every day.

We're together all the time.

- That's right.

That's all the more reason why you should call her "mom."

Things could be much more healthier between you two.

That's right.

Your relationship could really start to blossom.

Ah, nothing to say today?

For you.

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, deb.

- What's going on?

- Nothing. Eating zeppoles.

- Oh!

Is, uh--is marie around?

I wanted to borrow her big spoon.

- Oh, is that it?

- Oh, yeah. Thanks.

- You okay?

- Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I thought I'd-- maybe I'd also say hi to marie.

- Why would you want to do something like that?

- No reason. Just checking in.

- Let me get her for you.

Marie!

- She will be with you presently.

- You know what? Actually, it's not important.

Maybe I'll come back later. Thanks.

- What is it, frank? You need to be burped?

- Here you go, deb.

- Thank you, frank.

- What is it, debra?

- Oh, nothing.

So how are you, ma-rie?

- I'm fine, dear, thank you. How are you?

- Oh, good.

Just, uh, thought I'd say hello and check in.

- Oh, how nice.

- Yeah. So hello.

- Well, hello to you too.

- Scintillating.

- Oh, oh, and I was also gonna borrow your big spoon

If that's okay.

I wanted to make goulash.

- Oh, you're gonna try that again?

Well, that's good, honey.

Get right back on that horse.

- Okay. [chuckles]

Thanks.

So listen--

- Ooh, ooh. I almost forgot.

I picked up a book for you.

- "'a' is for apron: A beginner's cookbook."

- I saw that in the bookstore,

And I thought of you.

Isn't that cute?

- Yeah, that's just, uh, so typically thoughtful.

[chuckles]

I'm gonna go away now.

- Honey, are you all right?

- Uh, just a little headache.

Comes and goes.

And really coming on now.

- Wait, wait. Sit down.

Let me get you some aspirin.

I have three different kinds.

- Sometimes I get those headaches

When I come over too, deb.

Which kind is it,

Dull, pounding, or ax to the back of the skull?

- Here you go, dear.

Okay, here. Here, here.

Oh, I hope you feel better.

- Thanks...

[voice cracks] mom.

[fork clangs]

- So sorry. What was that?

- I said...

[clears throat] "thanks, mom."

- Oh, you don't have to do that, dear.

- No, I-- I want to.

- That's all right.

- My name's not judy!

What's going on? What happened?

- She rejected me.

- What are you talking about?

- Your mother.

I went over there, and I called her "mom,"

And she turned me down.

- Really?

- I told her that I wanted to call her "mom,"

And she just went, "that's all right."

- Huh.

- Why did you make me do that?

- Get out of here!

I didn't-- I didn't make you do it!

I was just trying to win an argument.

I didn't think that you would actually try it.

- I cannot believe her! She's unbelievable!

Your mother is unbelievable!

- I believe you!

- Hey, deb.

- Oh, good. You guys were there.

Was that the most humiliating thing

You have ever seen?

- Brutal, raymond.

- I felt bad for you, sweetheart.

Had trouble finishing my lunch.

- What happened?

After she said no, what'd you do?

- Just sat there like an idiot.

- Us too.

- Marie just went about her business

As if nothing had happened.

- I know how you feel, deb.

That's just how she is.

Only certain people are allowed in the pantheon of affection:

The pope, frank sinatra,

Placido domingo,

And raymond.

You just got to let it go, that's all.

You got to let it go!

- Yeah. Like he did.

- I know what.

Maybe I'll start calling her "marie."

Bet she wouldn't even notice.

"hello, marie."

"hello, robbie.

"have you seen placido domingo?

Or raymond?"

- Hey, I'll tell you what.

If it'll make you feel better, you can call me "dad."

- Thanks.

- How about "big daddy"?

I saw that in a movie once.

- I don't get it, deb.

Why do you want to call her "mom" anyway?

- I don't know. I just thought it would be nice.

I mean, ray is calling my mom "mom."

But the difference is, my mom is good and sweet and kind.

Your mother, on the other hand, is--

- Need some help?

- Well, listen. Look, you tried.

You're off the hook now, right?

You didn't really want to call her "mom" anyway.

- Well, that's before I knew she didn't want me to.

It's just-- I don't know.

I mean, why did she do that to me?

Why doesn't she want me to call her "mom"?

I know we've had our differences over the years,

But I thought we were closer than this.

Maybe she doesn't think I'm good enough.

- I remember the year I took opera lessons.

- Come on, deb, huh? Don't feel sad.

- Thanks for telling me how to feel, ray.

You know, I've got a headache.

I'm gonna go lie down.

- [sighs]

What should I do? Should I go up there?

- What would you say to her?

- I don't know. What do you think?

- That you should never go up there.

- Should I talk to mom?

- [laughs]

- What are you gonna say to her?

- Listen to me.

This is about feelings.

You know anything about feelings?

Of course you don't.

None of us do.

So just sit down, shut up,

Loosen your pants.

What more can we do?

Tv announcer: Fastball inside--

- I've got leftovers.

Hello, dear. I've got the extra zeppoles.

If I leave them at our house,

You father will just eat them till he explodes.

- Mm, yeah.

So I guess you talked to debra.

- Oh, yeah. How's her headache?

- Not good, ma. - Oh.

- Why did you tell her she can't call you "mom," huh?

She's very upset.

- She is?

- Of course!

You couldn't see that?

Even robert and dad could tell that.

Guys, couldn't you--

- Uh, are you telling me

That debra really wants to call me "mom"?

- Yes. Yes, she does.

- I think she's just doing that

Because she wants you to call lois "mom."

- No! No! No! No!

I've said four "no"s. It deserves even more.

- Well, then, why, all of a sudden,

After 12 years, am I suddenly "mom"?

- Well, you know, maybe debra's the kind of person

That takes a while to warm up.

That's all, huh?

You know, she just started calling me "honey,"

Like, two weeks ago.

Look, come--

Just let her call you "mom," huh?

What's the big deal?

- Because it wasn't a real request.

It wasn't genuine.

And you know me, raymond.

I'm nothing if I'm not genuine.

- Yeah, I know.

We all know what a genuine

Person you are.

All right, look. You were right, okay?

Debra did go over there because she likes

When I call her mother "mom,"

And I told her she had to call you "mom" because,

I don't know, I just like to bother her.

But, you know, she did something nice, ma.

And when you turned her down, you hurt her feelings.

- How could I hurt her feelings if they're not real?

- Look, I'm not pretending to understand any of this.

But think about it.

If her feelings got hurt,

Doesn't that mean they were real?

I read somewhere that's, like, the test for feelings.

Remember the tin man guy?

"I know I got a heart, because it's broken."

And then everybody said, "aw, poor tin man guy."

- Hello. - Oh, debra.

- I'm just gonna go get a drink,

And then I'll be out of your way.

- No, debra, wait. Wait.

Debra, I'm sorry.

I should have let you call me "mom."

If that's what you want to do, you should do it,

'cause I want you to.

- That's all right.

- No, no, it's--no.

No, it's not all right.

Raymond told me you only came over

Because he made you.

- No, that's not what I said. - Right.

He said he did it because he likes to bother you.

I had no idea how much I meant to you

That you could possibly be hurt by what I said.

Oh.

That's not what I want.

I want you to think of yourself as my daughter,

Because that's how I think of you.

- Oh, marie.

- Oh, debra. Oh.

So you'll call me "mom"?

- I guess I will.

- Oh, that's wonderful.

[chuckles]

Do it.

- Mom.

- Oh, that's so nice! [both laugh]

- It is nice.

Would you like some iced tea?

- Would I like some iced tea...

- Mom?

- Oh! I would love some.

[laughs]

- Aw.

See? Now it's blossoming.

- Yeah?

- Wait a minute.

What does this mean for me, though?

What am I supposed to call debra's mom?

- What do you think?

- Well, she's not here that often--

I mean, every other christmas, thanksgiving,

A birthday here and there.

All right, you can call her "mom."

- Oh, thanks, mom.

- Oh. [laughs]

That's such a pleasant change from the way boys say it.

Don't tell robbie,

But I always wanted him to be a girl.

- I might have to tell him that.

[kids yelling] - hello, everybody.

- Hi,

Mom.

- Hello, raymond.

- So how was the park?

- Oh, it was fun for the children.

I'm gonna go freshen up. - Oh, okay.

- I ought to get back to the house too.

- Okay, bye, mom.

- Bye, dear. - Bye, dear.

- I think she was talking to me.

- Yeah.

I'm gonna start calling marie "mom."

Isn't that nice?

- Oh?

That is nice.

- You know, like you and raymond.

- Mm-hmm.

- What's wrong? Is something the matter?

- No, no, no, no, nothing.

It just sounded a little strange

Hearing you call her "mom," because I'm your mom.

- Well.

Well, I'm raymond's mom,

And I don't have a problem with this.

- I'm sorry.

I can't explain it,

But just hearing debra saying that,

It just feels wrong.

- Well, pardon me for saying it,

But isn't that a little hypocritical?

I mean, here I am, ready to embrace this.

- I know, and pardon me for saying this,

But maybe in this case, it really isn't up to you.

I mean,

Well, heaven forbid you don't get your way for once.

[laughs]

- [laughs]

Well, may I just ask,

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

- I'm just going by what I see around here.

- Well, at least I'm always here,

Not like some mothers.

- Well, some mothers might say

That you're here a little too much.

- Oh, really?

Well, maybe I should be off

Living some swinging single's life

That's inappropriate for my age.

- Swinging?

- That's right, party girl.

- Okay, all right, all right, that's enough.

That's--that's enough.

You know, I think it might be best

For all concerned

If we just go back to the way it was, okay?

No more "mom" calling.

- Well, maybe that's a good idea.

- All right.

It's fine with me, but if it's too hard for some other--

- Okay!

- Is it okay? 'cause I'm coming out now.

- I think we're fine.

- Okay.

Well, if I'm not supposed to call you "mom,"

Then what should I call you?

- Well, whatever you're comfortable with.

- All right, then,

You.

- Everything's fine now.

Here you go, robbie.

- Thanks, marie.

Ow!

Mom.