Original subtitles

[children laughing]

- Okay. All right.

Fine, guys. You win.

Stay up forever!

I'll tell you what.

I'm not gonna sing you any more lullabies.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Oh, yeah. Funny.

How about I call santa,

Tell him how funny you guys are?

Santa calls the easter bunny.

He calls the tooth fairy.

I don't got to buy squat.

- Hi.

- Oh, my god.

How long was this meeting?

- Oh, well, it ended at 8:00,

But I stayed after to talk.

- You know, here's the thing about the twins.

I know that I'm supposed to love them,

But why do they make it so freakin' hard?

- Listen, listen, ray. It was such a great meeting.

Remember all those ideas I had

About fundraising and the readathon?

Well, this is amazing.

I was talking, and all these people

Were really interested in what I had to say.

- The problem is, the twins--

They know I have to love them.

They use that love against me.

Well, you know what, I can't anymore.

- Ray, listen, all these people want me to run for president.

- What people?

- The people at the school.

They want me to run for president

Of the school governing board.

Isn't that fantastic?

- What?

- There is an election next week,

And so far, bill parker is running unopposed.

- Parker. I hate that parker.

- Would you listen?

- He stole our babysitter.

- I'm gonna do it, ray.

- Do what?

- Run for president.

- President of the school? - Yeah.

- But that's, like, a lot of meetings at night.

- This is the perfect thing for me.

Look, I've been waiting for something like this,

Something to get involved in,

Something where I can make a difference

And use my brain and help people.

Listen, I could make a really good president.

- Yeah, but you're already president of this house.

We need you.

Ask not what your house can do for you.

- Tomorrow night, I want you to come with me.

There's a potluck dinner where all the parents

Get to meet the people running for office.

- No, no, I'm not crazy about people.

- Are you crazy about me?

- Oh, boy. Here we are.

You know, I've never been

To a political convention before.

Where are the hookers?

- Ray.

Listen, do me a favor tonight.

Try not to let everything that's in here come out here.

Could you do that for me?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, let's pretend

I'm your secret service agent man,

And I'll follow you around like this.

She's on the move.

- I have a better idea.

Why don't you pretend you're here undercover

As an adult?

- All right. That's it.

I'm changing my code name for you.

It used to be "hot mama."

You want to know what it is now? - No.

- "groucho."

- Hello, debra.

- Hi, bill.

- Barone.

- Parker.

Mary.

- Carrie. - Carrie.

- What did you bring, debra?

- Oh, just some veggies and onion dip.

How about you?

- Beef tenderloin.

- Oh! Wow, huh?

- Yeah, pretty fancy.

- Yeah.

Thanks to my lovely wife. - Yeah.

I'll be getting in on some of that.

The beef, I mean.

- Well...

Good luck, and, uh,

You know, may the best man or woman win.

- No dirty tricks.

[laughter]

- [laughs manically]

- Hey, buddy. How ya doing?

- I don't have a chance.

- What, against parker? - Yeah.

- Ah, I don't know.

That guy-- he's all with the blond hair

And the teeth.

You know, we get it, all right?

We got it.

- Look at you.

Did you even shave today?

- What? Yeah, this morning.

- You're all stubbly.

Come over here. - What?

- Look at your shirt. Tuck this in.

- What? Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! What?

- God. - Come on.

Why?

- Your appearance reflects on me.

Look how carrie parker is dressed.

- Sorry, I didn't know I was gonna be first lady.

- Here, just take this over to the buffet table, okay?

- Where you going?

- I'm gonna work the room by myself.

Hi, maureen.

Stand up straight.

- Groucho.

Hey, how you doing?

Rock the vote.

Hey, anybody see the tenderloin?

- It's all gone.

- What?

Already?

Oh, these people are animals.

Look at this. Crackers.

- Yeah.

- What's this? - Tabbouleh.

- I got to tell you, if I saw this on the floor,

I'd rub my dog's nose in it.

- I made the tabbouleh.

- Hi. I'm bill parker.

I hate this.

- Hey, I'm with you.

These potlucks-- they're always lame.

That's why when I see the one good thing,

I stock up.

- What's that, the tenderloin?

- You know it. - Mm-hmm.

- You want a bite?

- No. Yeah. That's nice of you, though.

Thank you.

So who you think's gonna be president?

- Oh, it's a toss-up.

Bill parker sounds pretty good,

But I'll probably vote for that debra barone.

- Oh, yeah? Why is that?

- She's got a nice little caboose.

- All right, attention, everybody.

Would you all gather over here, please?

We'd like to get started.

- Tenderloin. Excellent.

- Uh, excuse me.

Excuse me. Can we have everybody, please?

Everyone?

- Daddy! - Go to sleep!

- I want water!

- No! No!

First it's water, then, "read me a story,"

Then I fall asleep up there,

And you're down here watching wrestling!

No! No water!

- Yes! Yes! - All right!

- What--what happened?

- They pulled it out! The knicks won!

The knicks won!

- Incredible game!

Knicks were down 14 with 3 minutes left.

- And then sprewell makes a game-winning shot

From 30 feet out at the buzzer.

It was the best game of the year.

- Oh, man!

- And you missed it.

- Come on!

- Tough break, cubby.

[laughs]

- Hello, raymond.

- Ma, what are you doing?

- I'm taking water to the children.

- I said no more water!

- All right, raymond.

But I would never deny my children water.

- Well, robert, I guess that explains

Your bed-wetting problem.

- You know, raymond, to tell the truth,

Debra should have put them to bed before she left.

- Yeah, well, tell her that.

No, no, no, don't tell her that.

- When is she getting home?

- When they count all the votes.

- I don't know why you're letting her

Waste her time with this crap.

- No, no, no. Debra's right.

She said it's important

For parents to get involved in their kids' education.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

- We never got involved in your education.

- That's right.

Pa didn't go in for all that fancy book-learnin'.

- What? What did I pay taxes for?

You think I had time

To tell you what two plus two is?

- Well, maybe if you took more interest,

Who knows how far I could have gone?

- Four!

Two plus two is four!

Go get 'em, tiger!

- Well, I think it's great, what debra's doing.

- You think everything she does is great.

- Not everything.

I think she's a bad marrier.

- Hi. - Here she is!

[hums "hail to the chief"]

- I lost.

- [slows humming]

- No, that's the way it goes.

- My cell phone was in my pocket.

- Lost? - Yup.

Bill parker is the new

Our lady of faith elementary school

Governing board president.

- Oh, wow, deb, I'm sorry. That stinks.

- Stinks? It's an outrage.

You were born to be

The our lady of faith elementary school

Governing board president.

- I don't know.

Maybe I just had too many ideas.

Maybe I talked too much. Did I come off pushy?

- No.

Come on, deb.

Parker bought that whole election, huh?

Putting out the tenderloin

And the horseradish and the rolls.

How could you compete with that?

- Hmm.

That's tough to beat.

- Food's important, dear.

If you had only come to me.

- Come on.

That had nothing to do with it.

- Don't kid yourself, sweetheart.

This is politics.

You got to play rough.

He puts out tenderloin; you put out prime rib.

He puts out prime rib; you go lobster.

He goes lobster;

You start the rumor he wears a bra.

- Yeah, I like that bra thing.

I'll say I saw him in the lingerie department

Going into the fitting room.

- Why don't you demand a recount?

Maybe there was some funny business

Going on with the ballots.

- No. - That goes on.

- Mrs. Wendell, the librarian-- she was keeping

A pretty close watch on the shoeboxes.

- Oh, mrs. Wendell.

I remember her.

"the books are late! The books are late!"

- You know, I think what's really bugging me is,

I thought I had the support.

I thought people liked me.

- People can fool you.

- Come on, I mean, just because you lost

Doesn't mean people don't like you, right?

I'm sure you got a lot of votes.

- Yeah, well, it was very close.

- Sure.

By the way, how close was it?

- Six votes. - See?

So it's not like you lost by one vote.

- What do you mean?

- What? No, nothing.

- Wait, you think it's good that I lost

By more than one vote?

- No.

I mean, well, kind of.

Only because if you lost by one vote,

Then that would be heartbreaking.

- Yes, it would be heartbreaking.

Ray, who did you vote for?

Ray? - What?

What?

- Who did you vote for?

- [sighs]

- Oh, boy.

- We should go.

- I'm right behind you.

- What? What? Where you going?

- It's none of our business. - What? Since when?

You think everything's your business.

- Usually I'd stay and defend you,

But voting against your wife?

- You're a dead man.

- I don't know what to say, but, deb, if you want to talk...

And you...

- You know, you're not supposed to ask people

Who they vote for.

That's why we folded our votes

And put it in the shoebox with the tape around it

And they locked it up

In the school cafe-gym-a-torium...

As our forefathers did.

- How could you do that to me?

- Well, I just looked

At what both candidates brought to the table,

And I just thought that bill parker--

- Bill parker? You hate bill parker!

- I hate bill parker the man,

But I just thought that bill parker the candidate

Had an interesting platform.

- Oh, shut up. I'm your wife.

I don't care if my platform was...Anti-puppy.

You have to vote for me.

- But doesn't it say in the constitution--

- I don't care what it says

In the constitution.

You vote for your wife!

And since when do you know what it says

In the constitution?

- I'm not gonna stand here and let you badmouth america.

- You voted against me.

- I didn't vote against you.

I love you.

I just voted not for you.

I was protecting you.

- Protecting me from what?

- From political backstabbing.

You don't realize

That when you're a political figure,

You're at the mercy of the people,

And the people-- they're horrible.

They stare at your caboose.

- You were against this all along.

You can't support me for one minute!

- Oh, come on. I support you.

When you had 15 meetings this week,

Who took care of the kids, huh?

Putting them to bed and running gallons of water upstairs

Like gunga din?

- First of all, it was two meetings,

And you complained the whole time.

We all know why you didn't vote for me, ray.

Because you were afraid that if I win,

I might get out of this house

And you might have to get off your butt

Once in a while and do something.

You want me locked in this house.

Your vote was a vote for slavery!

- I have always spoken out against slavery.

- Not in this house. Not in this marriage.

You don't even know what a marriage is.

A marriage is two people supporting each other

No matter what,

Being there for each other for better or for worse,

Standing next to each other,

Standing up for each other no matter what.

But you don't get that, and that's why at that potluck,

I had to tell people I didn't even know you.

- What?

You told people you don't know me?

- Of course. You were acting like a goofball.

- I don't care what I was doing.

You denied knowing me at the potluck?

- You were stuffing your pants with food.

- I'm your husband.

You're supposed to support me no matter what's in my pants.

Huh, didn't you just say, "partners for better or worse,

Standing up on each other"--

- Oh, don't even.

It's not the same thing, and you know it.

You embarrassed me.

- I didn't do anything different

At that potluck thing

That I don't do

At any other public place you drag me to.

I have always liked beef!

And I have always tried to get as much of it as I could

At any function!

But even before that happened,

You made it very clear that I embarrass you--

Getting up on me about shaving

And telling me to stand up straight

And tuck in my shirt,

Like--like I wasn't good enough for you.

And now I find out you actually told people

That you don't know me?

I would never do that to you.

- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry, too.

I-I should have voted for you.

- And I should have told people I know you.

- I was acting jerky.

- Yeah, I know I--

I guess I just got carried away, you know,

With the possibility of being

The our lady of faith elementary school

Governing board president.

- Well, listen.

All that power-- it's like a drug.

- You want something to eat?

- Yeah, yeah. What do you got?

- I got some veggies and dip left.

- Oh.

You know what would go good with that?

Tabbouleh.

Got any cookies?

- Cookies. I got cookies.

[phone rings]

- Hello.

Yeah, she's right here.

It's the president.

- Hi, bill.

- What, did he call to gloat?

You tell him we're onto him.

- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, no, congratulations.

Really? Oh!

Well, that's so nice of you to say.

Yes, I would love to help you.

- What? - Yeah.

Yeah, you know what? My nights are mostly free.

- What? No, they're not!

- You know what?

The one thing I really wanted to do

Was get those teachers' luncheons organized.

- Hang up the phone. He's trying to tear us apart.

- And you know what?

- Mommy, I had an accident.

- Accident. Accident.

Mommy's on the phone.

You want to wait for mommy?

Mommy, he--

All right. I'll do it.

- But I want mommy.

- Don't blame me. I voted for parker.

- So I just want to say that I'm looking forward

To a successful year of working together,

But I can only do it with your help.

I only hope that I'm worthy

Of the faith that you've shown in me,

Because at our lady of faith,

It is all about faith--

Faith in our children,

Faith in our faculty, faith in each other.

- [whispers] faith that you wear a bra, buddy.

- [laughing] yeah.

- [mumbling]