Original subtitles

[tv announcer speaking indistinctly]

- The game started already?

- No, they're waiting for you.

- Hi, guys. - Hey, deb.

- Hey, blubberhead.

- Hi, honey.

Don't fill up on too much junk food

'cause I'm cooking us dinner.

- You call her blubberhead and get a kiss?

- Ha. Yeah.

Yeah, it's funny, I could call her anything, really,

As long as I give it that, you know, spin to it.

"hey, blubberhead."

- Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You couldn't just call her anything.

- Yeah, yeah. No, I could.

She just hears the cute tone, you know?

She doesn't really hear the word.

- How about "fat legs"?

- What?

- You couldn't call her "fat legs."

- Yeah, I could, as long as I cutesy it up.

- No way. - Yeah, no way.

- Hey, I think we--

We drank the last of the chocolate milk, fat legs.

- Okay, I'll pick up some more tomorrow.

- [chuckling] - wow.

- That's unbelievable!

- Let's try another one.

- Yeah, let's see how far you can push it.

- All right, what have you got? I'm telling you, it's foolproof.

- Hey, come on, ray. She's gonna get mad.

- Smelly. How about smelly?

- All right, all right, I'll try smelly.

- No, no. It's too easy.

Trampy.

Try trampy.

- Guys, guys, come on.

- I got it, I got it.

"smelly tramp."

- Oh, boy. - No, no, it can happen.

- Ray, did you pick up the mail?

- Yeah, it's over there.

Nothing but bills today, smelly tramp.

- I know. We always get so much--

- Robert made me do it.

I wasn't trying to humiliate you.

- Oh, so I should be flattered

That my husband calls me a "smelly tramp"?

- First of all, I didn't call you that.

I called you "thmelly tramp"!

Come on. I'm sorry, all right?

- It's just that you're so immature all the time.

- That's not true, all right? It isn't.

- Oh, no?

Who made geoffrey cry at christmas

Because daddy had to try the toy airplane

Before anybody else?

- Hey, it took two hours to put the damn thing together.

I can't get one throw?

- And who does the hysterical nursery rhymes for the kids?

"little jack horner sat in the corner,

Something, something, poop and pee."

- You got to give the people what they want.

- How about setting an example for them?

- I'm a great example, okay?

Yeah, I kid around,

But when it's crunch time, I'm right there.

- Oh, yeah, like the other day

When ally was asking you how babies get here,

And you suddenly had a sneeze attack

And ran out of the room?

- So I should just sneeze on my daughter?

- Whatever. Good night.

- What, you want me to have the sex talk with her?

- Yeah, right.

- What, you don't think I can do it?

I can do it; I'll have the sex talk with her.

- You know what, ray, you can be there,

And I'll explain it to the both of you.

- You know what? I'm gonna do it.

- Ray, this is not something to be competitive about,

So stop it.

- No. No! You stop it, all right?

You say that I'm an immature parent,

And now I want to do something for my child

That's important and it's responsible,

And you won't let me?

- Here.

- What? What's this?

- It's a book I was reading about this.

- Really? A book?

- Uh, yeah. You have to prepare.

You can't just go in there and do a puppet show.

- All right.

Yeah, yeah, this all looks familiar...

Although it's been a while.

Hey, how do you pronounce that again?

- Fallopian.

- Not "fall-ah-pian"?

Right, right. Fallopian, yeah.

[knocking]

Ally?

- Hi, daddy.

- Hi. Whatcha doin'?

- Just playing with my dolls.

- Oh, good.

Good.

Listen, um,

The other day you asked questions

About babies and stuff.

- When you started sneezing?

- Yeah.

Yes, yeah.

Um, anyway,

I was wondering if you wanted to talk about that now.

- Okay.

- [sighs]

Good, good.

Let me try to explain a few things.

All right.

Okay.

Here's what happens.

When a man and a woman love each other very much,

They get married,

And then sometimes they decide to make a baby.

- Why are there babies?

- Right, right.

Okay, I'm gonna get to that.

Okay.

What a man and a woman do is--

- No, I mean, I know that the man and the woman

Have to do something, but...

Why are we born?

Why has god put us here?

- Because...

That's...

What?

- If we all go to heaven when we die,

Then why does god want us here first?

- Um...

Why does god want us here?

- Yeah, why?

Why are we here, daddy?

- Yeah, I heard you, I heard you.

You don't want to talk about sex?

- No.

- You ever hear the word "fallopian"?

Okay. All right.

Okay, you really want to know

Why god wants us here first.

That's a good question.

You see, god is up in heaven,

And, well, honey...

It's very crowded up there.

- It is?

- Yeah. Yeah.

And you don't want to be in heaven

If it's crowded, right?

Remember when we went to disney world,

How crowded that was?

I mean, it was fun, but it was too crowded, right?

So god, he sends us down to earth for a little while to...

Ease the heavenly congestion.

- What?

- [feigns sneezing]

Oh, here we go again! Ah-choo!

I don't want to-- ah-choo!

I don't want you to catch this.

I don't want you to-- ah-choo!

I'll be back in a minute. Ah-choo!

Ah-choo!

- What are you doing?

You were only up there like-- - I got blindsided!

- What? What do you mean?

- Ally didn't want to talk about sex.

She started asking questions about life,

Why did god put us here, crazy stuff like that.

- Wow! So what did you say?

- I told her we're here because heaven is crowded.

- You said heaven is crowded?

- I got ambushed!

- Oh, my god, ray, you've got to get back up there!

- No, you go! You go up there!

- You're the one that wanted to prove he's mature.

Why can't you have this discussion with your daughter?

- Because I studied for the sex one!

I wasn't ready for this!

I don't just have a switch that can make me smart!

- No kidding.

Come on, you couldn't come up with anything?

Just tell her we're put on earth to...

You know, because...

- Well, looky here!

Yeah, little miss smarty-pants!

Maybe it is "fall-ah-pian"!

- Hey.

- Game's on satellite.

- And I made cannolis.

- Actually, you know what,

We're kind of in the middle of something, right, ray?

- What, you only made four?

- Ray!

- I'm sorry, it's just that there's five of us here.

- I made six, but your father got at 'em.

- No.

No, I didn't.

Well, then, I guess two of them had wings,

'cause they just flew away.

- Yeah, well, make another one of those and climb aboard.

- You know, you know, you know what?

This really is not a good time.

- Why, what's going on? What's wrong?

- You two about to shack it up?

- No, we're not shacking it up.

Ally just started asking some questions

About where babies come from,

And ray was going to talk to her about it--

- Wait a minute, you were gonna talk to a child about s-e-x?

- Marie, if she's asking questions,

We have to answer her.

- No, you don't.

My boys had all sorts of questions,

But I had frank wait until they were teenagers

To talk to them.

- Nobody talked to me.

- Yeah, what? Me neither.

- Frank, you told me you'd talk to them.

- Why? What did they need to hear?

No one needs to tell a bee where to go to get the honey.

Am I right, ray?

- All right, dad, all right.

- This is terrible.

You know, robert, this might explain

Why you're still single.

- What?

- Sexual relations can be very confusing.

I should have never left it up to your father.

Do you want to talk?

- You know, I would,

But I don't know what we'd do with all the vomit.

- You know, no,

Can we please stop?

Look, it turns out ally doesn't want to know

How we get here.

She wants to know why we're here,

Why god put us on earth,

And she's waiting for ray to answer her.

- What's wrong with you?

It's simple.

- Oh, okay. Yeah.

We're gonna learn the meaning of life

From a guy who once threw his shoe at a swan.

- That's called protecting your sandwich.

Listen to me.

Here's what life is:

You're born, you go to school, you go to work, you die.

That's it. That's all.

Cannoli, marie.

- Listen, we're not talking about

Wat we do while we're here, dad.

- Yeah, the big question is why we're here in the first place.

You know, I've spent many a night lying in bed

Thinking about this kind of stuff,

Life's...Imponderables.

- You need to find yourself a broad, and pronto.

- Where are we?

Where are we in the big scheme of things?

- Don't got to be a pretty one, just grab something.

- I think ally's too young to be worrying about things like this.

- No, I'm proud of her.

I love it that she's such an independent thinker.

- If she's so independent,

Why can't she figure this out herself?

- Ray, listen, just get up there and tell her

That god put us on earth to help each other.

It's simple. It's direct.

It's a good way for her to live her life.

- What are you talking about?

That doesn't answer anything!

What, are you telling me that god said,

"hmm, earth. Let's see.

What should I put there?"

- That's your god?

- Yeah.

- No way!

It's got to be deeper...

And cool.

[deep and cool] "hello. I'm god."

- Keep going, raymond.

I think you're a wonderful god.

- Thank you.

So what did god say?

"hey, I'm going to put some humans on earth

"so they can help each other.

"or I could just skip humans altogether

And go hit a bucket of balls."

- Oh, I know!

It's all in the bible!

- You ever think about space?

What is it?

Is it really endless?

I mean, if you had a spaceship,

Could you go flying and flying through space forever?

- Why don't you give it a shot?

- No!

I'm not kidding around here.

I mean, how can space go on forever,

And if it doesn't,

Then what's at the end, huh?

- Stop it, robert.

You'll give yourself a tummy ache.

- What about the beginning of time?

What was there before that, before time?

Nothing? I mean, what is nothing?

How could there be nothing?

This doesn't bother anybody else?

- Okay, everybody listen to me.

Sit down.

Listen.

"in the beginning,

God created the heaven and the earth."

Okay, okay, okay.

"let there be light."

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

It might take me a minute more.

- A minute more?

Marie, religious scholars spend their entire lives

Trying to answer this question.

You're not just gonna flip through the bible

And find the meaning of life.

- Oh, ye of little faith.

That's in here somewhere, too.

- Look, if you want to know what's in the bible,

Why don't you talk to father hubley?

- Hey, that's right!

You know what, it's his job to know these things.

- What, are you gonna call him? - Yeah.

What are we putting the money in that basket for?

Oh.

Ah, it's his machine.

Hey, father hubley, hi, it's raymond barone.

- Ask him about space.

What's at the end? What's out there?

- Will you stop it? - What's out there?

- Anyway,

Me and the family were just sittin' around,

And we had a quick question for you.

What is the meaning of life?

So if you could get back to us as soon as possible,

We'd appreciate it, all right?

We're kind of waiting.

Okay. Thank you.

Good-bye.

God bless you.

And us.

And the meek.

- Here it is. Here it is.

"where there are no oxen, the crib remains empty,

"but large crops come

Through the strength of the bull."

- That's got nothing to do with this.

- No?

- No!

- Okay.

- Do you know the fruit fly only lives one day?

- Huh? What? Are you okay there?

- One day.

What's his meaning of life, huh?

Maybe there's no meaning of life for any one of us.

I mean, really,

Am I any different than the fruit fly?

- The fruit part's the same.

- Robert, the fruit fly doesn't question why he's here.

That's what makes us different.

I don't know, maybe that's kind of the meaning of life:

Never knowing the answer, but always wondering about it.

- So god made us smart enough to know that there's an answer,

But not smart enough to figure it out?

- Come on!

- All right, look, what am I going to tell ally?

She's waiting now.

- Tell her to come down here.

I'll set her straight.

No more of this nonsense.

- It's not nonsense, frank!

Haven't you ever heard that the unexamined life

Is not worth living?

- Hey, you know what?

[feigns snoring]

- That's your problem, frank.

You're so closed-minded.

- No, the problem is, you're so open-mouthed.

- No, she's right, frank.

Maybe if you let yourself be a little more open-minded

And let yourself think about some of these things,

Life might be better for all of us.

- Okay, great, you've got answers for everybody

Except your own daughter.

- What? - You heard him.

It's me and him against all three of you.

- No, it's not, dad.

I'm just saying we should be focusing

On what to tell ally right now.

- Oh, we.

Yeah, we, because we solve all the problems

Around this house, right?

Let's face it, ray.

When you say "we," you mean me, the "smelly tramp."

- What?

- Smelly tramp.

That's the nickname your son came up with for me.

- I didn't say that and you know it.

It's "thmelly tramp"!

- Oh, well, that's cute.

- Hey, marie, while you're holding that bible,

I've got a question for you.

Did you eat the two missing cannolis?

- Frank, I'm not gonna let you use the bible like that.

- Answer me, yes or no?

- This is ridiculous!

No, I didn't eat those two cannolis.

- Did you see what she did?

Pick it up!

Pick it up and tell us what happened to those cannolis!

- Oh, shut up!

- Thou shalt not eat the cannoli!

- Never mind the cannolis, ma!

Take this bible and tell me that you don't spend more money

On raymond's christmas gifts than mine!

- That's ridiculous!

- Fifth grade.

Bike, slippers. Tell the truth!

- Those slippers were very expensive, robbie!

- Take the book!

- All right!

All right, thank you for all the enlightenment!

- Wait a minute, what are you gonna tell ally?

- I don't know, but the answer can't be down here!

- Well, neither can I!

- Look, I don't know what I'm gonna say exactly,

But help me, all right?

Don't just stand there and make your faces.

- Can we just do this? She's waiting.

- Ah, ah, ah, ah!

Leave that face in the hall.

[knocks on door]

Ally.

Hey, she's not in here.

- What?

[children laughing and playing]

- Ally.

[ally laughing]

Ally. - What?

- Listen, we wanted to talk to you about your question, okay?

- What question?

- Ally, honey, come on.

- [laughing] get off me.

[children laughing and playing]

- [laughing] get off me!

[glass shattering]

- Hey, guys! - What are you doing?

- It's really something seeing the kids like that, huh?

- Hmm, yeah.

I think we learned a lot from them today, baloney bosoms.

- Ray.

- What?

There's something to be said for childlike innocence.

- Yeah, okay, okay.

- But I can see that you need some help.

Now more than ever,

You need a visit from dopey.

- Oh, god.

No, come on, no, no. Don't, don't, don't.

- I been doing the reading. I know what to do now.

- [squeals gleefully]

Stop, no, stop!