Original subtitles

- Hey, the gears are stripped here.

You let the kids play with this?

- Yeah. Yeah, the kids did that, dad.

It had, uh, nothing to do with you

Plopping your jumbo can in there every day.

- Ahh, there we go.

- Yeah, there's a gift for me--

Two bushels of nose hair.

- Hey.

- Hey. Hey.

- Hi. - This is erica.

- Well, hello there.

- Uncle robert! Uncle robbie!

- Hey, you little monkeys. Hi.

Say hello to erica.

- I've heard so much about you.

You must be ally, and...

This must be geoffrey and michael.

Robert told me about the freckle patterns.

- You know, there's an easier way to tell.

Geoffrey, raise your hand. That's geoffrey.

- Actually, we were on our way to go bowling,

But erica wanted to meet the kids.

- Hi. - Hey, deb.

This is erica.

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

- I'm marie, robert's mother.

Are you two dating?

- Ma.

- Well, we just met last week.

- At emerson savings.

- Wow, open a checking account,

Get a free girl.

I'm going down there.

[laughter]

- Sorry, I was the last one.

- [laughs]

This one's got a sense of humor.

Hey, why don't you come to my birthday party Saturday?

- Well--

- Come on, it's my birthday.

I-I get to say who's invited

And...Who's not.

- Just say the word, frank.

- I'm five.

How old are you?

- 22.

- That's old.

- [laughs]

- All right, come on, erica.

I want to get to the lanes early.

They only have one pair of size 18 shoes.

- Okay. - Bye!

- It was nice meeting you all.

- Take it easy. - Nice meeting you.

Bye. - Have fun.

All right, guys, let's go.

- 22?

- Hot damn. - Oh.

I don't like that, frank.

It's just not right.

- What the hell's not right about it?

- Well, 'cause she's much too young.

- That's what makes it right!

- Oh. [scoffs]

Stop it.

Young women go after older men

For one thing-- she's a gold digger.

- Mom, it's robert. Come on.

What's she after, his vaporizer?

- But I'm just concerned with my son,

And he's not helping by inviting that girl to our house.

- Aw, come on, marie.

First, he snags that italian number,

Now this.

Robert's finally doing stuff I can be proud of.

- I'm going to have a word with him.

- Mom, they're just-- they're going bowling.

All right, just relax.

- Oh, please. Why am I talking to men?

You understand what I'm saying, right, debra?

- Well, actually, marie,

I think robert should do whatever makes him happy.

- Yeah, whatever makes him happy.

- Well, I'm not going to let that happen.

- Everybody sleeping?

- Robert is a jerk.

- Huh?

- I can't believe he's dating a 22-year-old.

- What? What--what happened to

"whatever makes him happy"?

- I was lying!

Anyway, that's not real happiness.

- I don't know. I think it might be.

- Come on, ray.

What could they possibly have to talk about?

- I-- maybe they don't have to talk.

Maybe they're the-- they're the kind of couple

That doesn't have to talk constantly.

- I'm serious, ray.

- [sighs]

- Do you remember robert's first year on the force?

Remember when he helped deliver a baby in the back of that cab?

That could be erica!

- Well, that--

That's something that they can talk about.

- No.

He can't possibly be serious about this relationship.

He's using her.

- Hey, if this bothers you so much,

Why didn't you speak up earlier with my mom?

- Because it's none of my business!

I don't want to be like your mother!

I'm--I'm sorry.

I'm not mad at you.

- Tell that to the vein in your head.

- You know what I think?

- If I say yes,

Do you still have to tell me?

- I-I think that robert is afraid of intimacy,

So he gets involved in a relationship

That is doomed from the beginning.

- Yeah, but what a way to go.

Hey, come on. No, my thing.

- Oh, you really think that's funny, don't you?

[mockingly] "what a way to go."

[sighs]

- Hey.

You know, I really haven't told you

How good you've been looking lately.

- What?

- Really, though.

You're like a-- you're like a hot chick.

- Oh, my god, is that what you think this is about?

I'm worried about how young I look?

No, I am talking about right and wrong here,

A basic sense of decency.

- Okay, but you do look hot.

- Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

- Can I have the remote?

Oh, you're here. I checked your apartment.

- Yeah, ma wanted me to get an olive plate

For dad's party.

- Wow, olives.

This thing's going to rock.

Hey, so how's it going with you and erica?

- Okay, I guess. - Yeah, good.

She seems to like you.

- Yeah, how about that?

- [chuckles] yeah.

Well, is it serious?

- I don't know.

We've only gone out a few times.

- Yeah.

You think it's going to get serious?

- Who knows? We're just having fun,

That's all. - Well, good.

You know what might be the most fun?

Breaking up with her.

- What? What are you talking about?

- Listen, if you're just having fun with her,

You shouldn't bring her around here.

I mean, this is where fun goes to die.

- What? We had fun here.

She made dad laugh.

- Yeah, that could have been gas.

- Yeah, well, if it was gas,

He never would stop laughing. [chuckles]

- Look--

It's making my life hell, all right?

- Making your life hell? How?

- You dating a younger girl

Affects other people,

Especially older people, like the one I'm married to.

- Debra's not old.

- She is when erica's in the room.

- Yeah, but debra seemed to like erica.

- Yeah, yeah. She did, didn't she?

She was pleasant, enjoyable to be around.

Let me tell you something, robert,

There's two debras.

That's right.

There's the debra that you see

That doesn't have a problem with it.

Then when everybody leaves,

There's the debra that I see--

Darth debra.

- Yeah, but she doesn't seem so--

- Hey, hey, remember when you broke up with amy?

- Yeah, she got mad at me, and then it was over.

- Over for you because you left.

I'm just now getting my hearing back.

- Really?

- Yes, yes.

And then you bring a 22-year-old around.

I'm going to be a lonely, deaf, sex beggar.

- So you're serious?

There's two debras?

- Yep.

And neither one of them can cook.

So look, I mean--

I mean, you know, just be cool.

I mean, have fun, but...

Just have it away from here.

- All right, raymond. I-I think I understand.

- Thank you, man. Thank you.

Hey, if it was up to me,

You could parade her around here naked.

I wouldn't say, "boo."

I wouldn't mind at all--

- I understand. I understand. - Okay.

- Frank, don't eat that cake.

- What? What the hell are you yelling about?

- What is wrong with you?

That's for the party.

- It's my birthday.

Look at the name there.

- Hello, everybody.

- Robert. - Hey, raymond.

I'm sure you remember erica.

- Yeah, I sure do, the bowler.

- Hi, ray.

- Hello there, erica.

So, uh, nice to see you again.

- Oh, hello, erica.

I'm so glad you could make it.

Would you like something to drink, maybe some milk?

- Oh, no, thanks. I'm fine.

- Happy birthday, dad. That's from me and erica.

- Why, thank you, erica.

This is very thoughtful of you.

- [speaking loudly] frank, it's time to sit.

I made you a cake.

Would you like some help getting into your seat?

- [laughs]

My wife makes a joke.

Here, erica, come.

You can sit by the man of the hour.

- What the hell, man? Debra's going to be right back.

- Aw, come on, raymond.

I thought about your story, two debras.

All I see is one jealous brother.

- What? I'm not jealous of you.

What are you doing to me? I was telling you the truth.

- Well, I'll give you the truth.

I happen to be going out with a wonderful,

Terrific young woman and na-na-na-na-na-na.

- Hey, hi, erica.

Nice to see you again. How are you?

- Hi, debra. Fine. How are you?

- I'm good, thanks. Hey, robert.

- Hey, deb. Nice to see you.

Always a pleasure.

- I'm not sitting next to them.

I don't need to watch robert cut her meat.

- Erica, what is that heavenly scent you're wearing?

Let me guess what it is.

- All right, frank.

We don't sniff the guests.

- I'm having a conversation.

- Oh, you're embarrassing yourself.

- And you're embarrassing me.

People think I'm with you.

- You want me to leave?

- There's a birthday present.

- Happy birthday, frank.

You are now officially a dirty old man.

- Where are you going with that?

- You don't deserve my food.

- What the hell do you think I stay around here for?

I'll go to the lodge!

- Good! Go! - I'm going!

- Good! - Good-bye!

Nice to see you again, erica.

- Hey, you know what, ma?

We can eat that.

- You? I'll talk to you later.

- Oh, my god, I feel terrible.

Maybe I should go. - No, no, don't.

It's great that you're here, right?

- Sure. No, it's not you, erica.

Well, shoot, I was looking forward

To getting to know you.

- Hey, here's an idea.

We can all go out to dinner.

- Um-- - that sounds great.

- Yeah. Hey, we'll go to nemo's.

- You like nemo's, debra?

- Sure. - Great.

- All right. I'll get the car.

- Okay.

- Hey, uh, you know what?

Why don't you guys go without me?

'cause I'm--I'm really not feeling good here.

- Okay, well, come on, debra, let's go.

- Okay.

- What's the matter, ray?

You have, like, a sore throat or something?

- I got--it's probably-- - get in the car!

- Aah, aah, aah.

Robert! Robert, look!

Look! Look!

- See, it's a nice place, right?

No parents.

All right, well, look,

Why don't we all check out the menus?

And if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hit the bathroom.

- Oh, yeah. Me too.

- What? - Yeah.

Well, you didn't let me go when we were at the house.

- Ray. - I have to go.

- Robert's really sweet, huh?

- Mm-hmm.

- So how long have you and ray been married?

- Oh, gosh, going on 11 years.

- Wow.

That's great.

- Yep, I'm a lucky woman.

- Can I ask you something?

It's just that you've been so nice to me,

And you're so experienced.

- Thank you.

- So...Robert's mother.

She doesn't like me, does she?

- Oh, no, no, no. Sure, she does.

- No. I can tell.

It's because I'm too young, right?

- Uh--

- See, that's why I like robert

Because he doesn't have a problem with my age.

- Yeah, robert's terrific that way.

- I hope he really is because, you see,

Actually...

I'm 19.

- What?

Oh, my god. This is insane.

- What do you mean?

- I mean, you're barely out of high school.

You are out of high school, aren't you?

- Well, yeah, for over a year.

- Oh, okay. All right, all right.

Sorry, it's just that--

My god, you're a teenager!

- All right, let the fun begin.

I'm so hungry, I'm going to order

A pizza topped with another pizza.

[chuckles] right?

Is everything okay?

- Fine.

- Erica?

- Um, I'm not really hungry.

- Hey, I'm not hungry either. Let's just go.

You want to go? - Yep.

- Wait, erica, don't let my parents ruin your evening.

- It's not your parents.

- What is it?

Is it raymond?

- No.

- Um, erica's just a little upset

Because, um,

She's afraid to tell you that she's 19.

- [gagging]

- You're 19?

- Oh, man.

That is shocking.

- I'm sorry, robert. I was going to tell you.

But I was afraid that you wouldn't go out with me.

- 19?

- That's not right. It's not right.

- Come on, so instead of a 13-year difference,

It's 16, but it's still just a number.

- Wait, wait a minute. 16 years?

That would make robert 35.

- Right.

- [laughs]

This is unbelievable!

- What?

Robert, you're not 35?

- I'm 40.

- Robert. - 3.

- 43.

- Oh.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, but, erica, you know,

Like you said, it's just a number, right?

- Yeah,

But that's a big number.

- 35? How old did he say I was?

- Ray, not now. - 37.

- You made me older than you?

- I think I'd better go.

- W-w-- no, wait.

Erica, I'll come with you.

- No, that's okay. You know what?

I'll call you, robert.

- Hey, I'm younger than him.

I'm his younger brother.

- I'll be surprised if she calls.

- Sorry, robert.

- No, you're not. You enjoyed that.

- Enjoyed what? - Destroying my relationship.

I've never seen anybody add two numbers so fast.

- That wasn't a relationship.

That was two people lying about their age.

- And neither one of them had a problem with it

Until you butted in.

You know what? You're right, ray.

She is threatened by younger women.

- Ray told you that?

- No way. No way.

- Well, I am not threatened by younger women.

Why should I be?

I happen to be an attractive woman.

- Amen to that. - I am extremely well-read.

I am a good conversationalist. - Hallelujah.

- I'm proud of my age, and I have never lied about it.

- No reason to. - Shut up, ray.

- All right.

- So what is it now,

Men have to date women 20 years younger than they are?

If ray dies tomorrow, I have to start dating 60-year-olds?

- Whoa, I'm dying tomorrow? - We'll see.

And face it, robert, you're middle-aged. Hmm?

Did she really make you feel younger?

- Yes, she did, and I liked being with her.

Whenever we'd go out, we'd get in the car,

And it felt great.

She'd put on the radio, and she'd tune in

To one of her stations with that really jammin' music.

- Oh, and you liked that? You liked the jammin'?

- Actually, it was a little loud for me,

But that was a bad example.

- Okay, fine, go ahead. Go ahead.

I'm waiting for the part where you're younger.

Look, robert, I know you get lonely,

But didn't you feel a little uncomfortable

Being with that girl?

- She liked me.

It was flattering.

She wanted to talk to me for hours.

The truth is, I didn't even have

Enough phone stamina for her.

Did you--did you see the way she looked at me

When she found out I was 43?

Like I just sat up out of a coffin.

- That girl was less than half our age.

- All right, all right, enough with the numbers already.

You're killing me!

- Did she really think I was older than you?

- Didn't bat an eye.

All right, look,

Let's just order, all right?

Let's get the pizza with sausage and onions.

- Onions? What time is it?

Oh, no, I can't do onions after 8:00.

- It's okay. I got the tums.

- Oh, tums are good. They have calcium.

- Hey, you know what-- you know what I hear is good?

The pepcid's good. - Yeah, that's good.

They have the fruit flavor. They're chewable.

Do you know hey have a nighttime mylanta now?

- I recommended that.

- Really? Is it chalky or--

- No, tropical. Beautiful.

- Can you believe this? I have to pee again.

Hey, what are you doing?

- Uh, nothing, just, you know, putting my hair in a ponytail.

- You don't have to try to look younger, you know.

You look great the way you are.

- All right. Thanks, ray.

- [singing] fairy tales can come true

It can happen to you

If you're young at heart

- Is that singing supposed to put me in the mood?

- You got to do something to get me to shut up.

[singing] and if you should survive

To 105--

I got a lot of songs.

[singing] hey

Did you happen to see

The most beautiful girl in the world?

There she is!

[singing] and if you did,

Was she crying?

- All right, come on.

- Hoo-hoo!