Original subtitles

- When are we going to get there?

- I told you to go before we leave.

Stop kicking the back of my seat!

- Ignore him.

He just doesn't like weddings.

- I had a bad experience once.

- Well, I'm looking forward to seeing our old neighbors:

The steadmans and the garinis

And the di vincenzos.

- Which ones were they again?

- You kicked in their Halloween pumpkin

'cause you thought it was a caricature of you.

- Oh, yeah.

- Wait a minute, ma, the garinis are going to be there?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, god.

- What's wrong there, cubby?

- Uh, forget it. Nothing. It's stupid.

- I'm sure it is. Let's hear it.

- I know what it's about.

Raymond and elizabeth garini had a thing

Back in high school.

- Oh, really?

- It wasn't a thing. It was one date.

- Well, it could have been a thing.

Elizabeth had a big crush on you,

But you were so picky... Back then.

- So tell me about this girl, ray.

- She went to a different high school,

And they were having their winter dance thing.

- And I heard that elizabeth thought he was cute

And wanted to invite him.

- Was she the blind girl?

- Hey, how would you know, huh?

You were home in your footsie pajamas

Asking mom for more pudding.

I just remember mom saying,

"if elizabeth garini asks you,

You should go; it'll be fun."

- Oh, so your mom was pimping for you.

- I don't like that, debra.

- So elizabeth calls me and-- and asks me,

And, you know, what am I going to do?

I kind of feel sorry for her, so I-I say yes.

Then when we were at the dance,

It started to snow, and I had dad's car.

I didn't want anything to happen to it.

- Damn straight.

- So we get to her house, and I--

- What? What did you do to the car?

- Nothing, dad.

- Tell me now. Stop the lies!

- Nothing happened to the car, okay?

We were stopped in front of her parents' house,

And she was saying she had a nice time

And all that, but all I can think about

Is getting the car back to the maniac here.

- Damn straight.

- So we're just sitting there,

And then finally elizabeth says,

"okay, bye."

And she gets out and walks to her door

In the snow by herself.

I didn't walk her to the door.

There she was.

All by herself,

Fancy dress,

High heels,

Wobbling up the driveway.

- So did you call her and apologize?

- I wanted to, but then I didn't,

And I kept putting it off,

And then a few days later,

It was too late, so I just--

I never talked to her again.

- You would have been so good together.

Ooh, this place is beautiful.

- Yeah, yeah.

Where the hell's our table?

- I don't know. Let's see.

I'll look for it. 19 anywhere?

- I don't see her.

I don't think she came.

You know, I didn't see her at the church.

- That's 'cause you were hiding.

- I wasn't hiding. I was deep in prayer.

- Whoa, whoa, is that her?

- Who? Where? - Uh, wait, no.

It's an old man with a walker.

Sorry. My mistake.

- You love this, don't you?

- I'm afraid I do, yes.

- Just so you know, there's a part of me

That thinks it would be good if she was here.

Yeah, just face this thing head-on.

Okay? How about that?

- There she is!

Uh, nope, sorry, that's a poached salmon.

Oh, hey, look, there's our table.

- Oh.

Marie, frank, we're over here.

- Oh, okay.

- Hey, there, tablemates. How are you doing?

I'm harry armon. This is my wife marci.

- What are you so happy about?

Don't you see this table placement is an insult?

They stuck us in the corner by the kitchen.

- Come on. It's fine, frank.

- No, it's not fine.

We're at table 19 out of 20 tables,

And table 20 is filled

With embarrassing family nut jobs.

No offense.

- So three couples and me.

On this joyous day of love and togetherness,

The cheese stands alone.

- You're not alone. You have us.

- Super.

- Hey, robert, don't look now.

I think that woman's giving you the eye.

Oh, no, it's the finger, sorry.

- You are a teeny-weeny man.

- Hey, ray, let's dance.

- No, no, come on. We just got here.

- No, come on. One song.

- I can't dance. I didn't eat; I'll faint.

- You danced with that elizabeth.

You can dance with me.

- Oh, come on. - Let's go.

- My father's going to eat your salad.

- All right.

- You got, like, a fuzzy in your hair.

- Mm.

- You got a whole bunch of them.

- Would you please, please stop grooming me?

- Okay.

Sorry I care about you.

- Raymond?

Hi, it's elizabeth... Garini.

- Elizabeth ga-who?

- Garini, from the neighborhood.

- Oh, yes, yeah, hi. Hi, nice to see you.

Okay. Take care.

- Hi, I'm debra, ray's wife.

- Nice to meet you. This is my husband scott.

- Hey, how ya doing? - Okay. Yeah.

All right, well, good-bye. All right.

- Good to see you. Have fun. - Okay.

- Oh, very smooth, ray.

- It's just-- I don't--

It was a shock to see her.

- Yeah, well, she was really broken up

About you not walking her to the door.

- Seriously? Did you pick up on that?

Come on, don't joke around!

- Honey, she was fine.

She came up to you. You can stop obsessing now.

- You're right.

You're right. She came up to me.

Okay. Good.

- What?

- I feel like I should have brought up the incident

And apologized. - All right, so do it.

- Really? No. Yeah? No.

- Ray, you are so annoying!

- No, look, I haven't had time to prepare my remarks.

- You've had 25 years for that. Hi again.

- We've got to stop meeting like this.

- [laughs] - okay.

You know what?

I'll bet you probably don't even remember this.

We went out one time in high school.

- Of course. I remember. - Yeah?

Hey, don't worry, man. Nothing happened.

- That must have been, like, 25 years ago.

- Yeah, I think it was.

I think--I think it was snowing back then.

It was, it was snowing 'cause I remember

I was nervous about the car,

And something-- there was--what happened?

Somebody didn't walk somebody--

I think I didn't walk you to your door, yeah.

Because I was nervous about the car and the snow.

Right? I remember, but that's no excuse.

You know what? I should apologize for that.

I was a stupid kid with the snow.

So listen,

I'm sorry for that.

- Wow.

I don't really remember that, but...

It's so sweet of you to apologize.

Gosh, I hope you haven't been waiting

Since high school to tell me that.

[laughter]

- No, no, no.

No, I mean, couldn't you tell?

It was all coming back to me as I was saying it.

- Oh, gee, well, thanks for being so thoughtful.

- Yeah, well, hey, that's me, mr. Thoughtful.

Okay. Bye.

- And here I mistook you for mr. Potato head.

- I-I saw you talking to elizabeth.

- I did. I did. I did.

I apologized for the incident, and she was fine.

- Oh, that's wonderful.

- Yeah, maybe they can finally work things out.

- You know what?

That wasn't that bad.

I mean, she's happy, right? She's got a husband.

- Oh, yeah?

All that happened in front of her husband?

- Yeah. What?

- Nothing.

- What? What are you saying?

That maybe she was-- she was putting on an act

In front of her husband there?

- Well, I wasn't saying that,

But that's good.

You should run with that.

- No, no, no, no, you bring up a good point here.

- Oh, would you knock it off? She's fine.

- I think she was overly fine.

- Oh, please.

- No, no, come on. This was a big incident.

- Would you stop calling it "the incident"?

It wasn't an incident.

All right, cuban missile crisis was an incident.

My god, if you are this insane

About not walking a girl to the door,

How do you feel about what you do to me?

- What? What do I do to you?

- God, you do jerky things all the time,

Things you should really regret.

- Oh, yeah, well, like what?

- Oh, where do you want me to start?

- At the beginning.

Take your time.

How about not walking me to the car

When I was in labor with the twins, ray?

How about that incident?

- I had to make a sandwich, okay?

I hate hospital food. - God.

Honestly, I-I can't believe you.

- Why don't we go mingle, honey?

Purse-- get your purse.

- All right, don't be mad. I'm sorry, okay?

- I want you to tell me something

That you regret doing to me.

- Come on. We're at a wedding.

- Something you've done to me

That makes you feel as horrible as you do

About your date from 1977.

- Uncle robert, come dance with us.

- I'll go. - Ray.

- Robert, dance with them. - I want to see this.

- Go dance with the children right now.

- All right!

Come on, kids!

- Regret, please?

- Okay.

All right, I regret not loving you more.

Yes.

Yes, you deserve all the love

That can fit in the ocean.

- [laughs]

Oh, man.

- I thought that was beautiful, frank.

Why can't you say something like that?

- All right.

[clears throat]

I would love it if you were in the ocean.

- I want something specific,

Something like when you didn't walk me to the car

When I was in labor.

- Okay, okay, can I use that one?

- No.

- I did it more than once. - No. Come on.

- Okay, all right, all right.

Regret, regret. Um, uh--

Okay, all right, when we were first married,

We went to a party at my editor's house,

And you didn't know anybody, and you were kind of nervous,

And later at dinner, you told a story

That you thought was going to be funny,

But it-- nobody laughed.

- So you regret that I'm a stiff at parties?

Thanks. Feeling better.

- No. No, no, listen.

They didn't laugh, but neither did I.

I saw that you were embarrassed,

And I should have been there for you, and I wasn't.

Yeah, I've-- I've always regretted that.

- Wow.

That--that must have been a long time ago.

Such a small thing.

- Yeah, well, tell that to my conscience.

- I'd ask you what you regret,

But I'd be afraid you'd say

You regret marrying me.

- Aw...

Not all the time.

- Okay, I'm back. I'm back.

What, it's over?

Frickin' bunny hop.

- It's funny, talking about regrets.

I've got regrets.

Probably too many regrets to mention.

- Okay, then.

- I-I've--

I've done things that I just feel terrible about

To all of you.

- All right, ma. - Wait. Let her speak.

- Like to you, debra.

I've always regretted

Not being more nurturing to you

When you first started out as a wife and a mother.

I am sorry.

- Oh, marie.

That's nice.

- Because now at this point, what can I do?

- It must feel good to get that off your chest.

- Yeah, it does feel good.

And-- and, raymond?

I've always regretted

Not toughening you up when you were a boy.

- I'm tough.

- No, you're not.

- And, robert?

- Yes?

- Actually, I don't have any regrets

About how I raised you, dear.

- You've got to be kidding.

- And, frank...

Some regrets speak for themselves.

- Enough with all this crap.

Regret is a waste of time.

My father used to be working on the road

40 weeks a year.

When he'd come back home, you think

He had time for regrets?

He'd have a drink, punish me for whatever I did,

And then hit the road again.

Okay, so what am I going to do,

Ask him to quit his job,

So he can play with me or something?

- Oh, frank.

- What?

- You never told me anything about this.

See, it's good to talk.

Come on, open up to me.

I'm here for you.

- Okay, look, I was lying about my old man.

He was a jolly guy

Who gave me puppies and chocolate coins,

So, uh, just slide back over, okay?

- Ma, are you saying that you have no regrets about me?

- Please, robert, not everything is about you.

- Nothing is about me!

Nothing!

Let me tell you something. I got regrets.

Oh, boy, do I got regrets.

- Come on, robbie, you're bringing everybody down.

- Everybody else got to go. I'm going.

Let's see, regrets.

Hmm, quite a menu.

Where shall I start?

- How about that haircut?

- All right.

There is something I always felt bad about.

When joanne and I were first going out,

I took her to this party at my sergeant's house.

And at dinner she started to tell this joke,

And I guess she thought it was pretty funny,

But nobody else did, and no one laughed.

Which would have been one thing,

But I didn't laugh either.

She just sat there, embarrassed.

I mean, what kind of a guy--

- You used his regret?

You couldn't think of one thing on your own,

So you had to steal his regret?

You stole his regret!

- You stole my regret?

- Well, I definitely have something I regret

Doing to you now, soda pop.

Oh, come on. All right. Look, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Come on.

Stop it. What do you want me to say?

- She's on the move, chief.

- Come on.

Would you stop it? Please stop.

- I'll have another one. - Listen.

All right, all right, I couldn't think of a regret,

But it was like a pop quiz; I panicked, okay?

But you win. I'm a bad person.

- How do I win?

[glasses clinking]

Oh, they're kissing.

You know what would make me happy?

If you recognized a regret before you did it!

- Oh, what, time travel, huh?

You're talking about time travel.

- All right, stop. Stop everything.

I have another regret.

- Oh, ma, enough with the regrets!

- No, no, no, you're yelling at one another.

And it's all my fault. - It's all right, marie.

- No, there's something you don't know

About this whole elizabeth business.

[sighs]

You know how I do things out of love?

- Oh, this is never good.

- When you were in high school, raymond,

You were so lonely.

I just wanted you to be happy.

- What did you do?

- Everything I told you about elizabeth

Back in high school,

Thinking you were cute and having a crush on you

Was a fib.

- What do you-- you lied to me?

- Fibbed.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

She had to like me a little bit

Because she asked me out, right, right?

- See, I ran into elizabeth in the market,

And I asked her if she would please ask you out to the dance.

- [screams]

- At first she said no, but then I told her

That you were polite and kind and a nice dresser.

- A pity date?

All this time, I was-- I was a pity date?

- No, not at all.

- Of course I was! - No.

- I guess I was right, raymond.

When she accepted your apology,

She was putting on an act.

She had to keep from laughing.

[laughs]

- You couldn't walk her to the door

'cause she was running for the door.

[laughter]

- That's very funny. Very funny.

Very funny! Very funny!

[conga music]

No, no, I don't want--

Get off me, you freaks!

- Oh, hi, raymond. - Yeah, yeah.

I just found something out.

You didn't want me to walk you to the door, did you, right?

You weren't acting weird because you liked me.

You were acting weird because you

Were going out with mama's little mutant!

I've felt bad about what I did to you

For 25 years for no reason.

You weren't the pathetic loser!

I was the pathetic loser!

- That's the schmuck who didn't walk you to the door?

- What's wrong with my haircut?

- All right, I'm sorry.

I had a rough night, okay?

- You want to drive to the woods and dump dad out?

- Rub some honey on his ass, and blow a bear whistle.