Original subtitles

Come on, Cass.

Cassandra.

Cassandra.

Come on, Cass. Don't be afraid.

Cassandra.

You're gonna be all right.

All right, that's good pumpkin.

That's good.

Now, just roll the ball.

Episode 37, bowling.

Sport of the people.

Over 100 million people in fact,

in over 90 countries across the globe.

My dad was bowler.

He was bowler my whole life.

All the other girls wanted to marry Zack Morris.

But I loved Pete weber.

Pete accomplished more by the time he was 30

than 99% of all athletes

in any other sport ever will.

Dad idolized Pete.

Maybe in a few too many ways.

Oh, if you're wondering why I'm using the past tense.

Well, my dad...

He died.

Sure, he wasn't perfect.

But I think maybe he was just lonely.

He always had me though, his little girl.

He'd get back from the lanes just so frustrated

or happy or whatever

and just want to spend time with me.

No more pins, no more score sheets.

No more expectations.

Just me and him and the movies.

We had the usual back then of course.

"Airplane," "caddyshack," "blazing saddles."

But as the years went on a clear favorite emerged,

"the big Lebowski."

So in just under a month, just like every year,

I'll break away from my snoozefest

network ad sales job

and cover Louisville's own, Lebowski fest.

So, if you think about it,

maybe make a special point to come say hi this year.

It is after all the first time after 30 years

that my best friend won't be right there by my side.

Because now, he's gone. And I'm just lonely too.

Pete Weber...

This is really all his fault.

My third decade of existence is rapidly coming to a close

and what do I have to show for it?

- Well, look, girl... - I read something earlier.

Oh, no, Cass, please, don't.

It said the average age of marriage

for a female professional college graduate

in the Southern region of the United States is 26.

- You told me. - Yeah. Two-six.

- I mean, between 26 and 30. - That's why I don't read.

Well, you're seeing that one guy.

What's his name? Mister perfect game. Danny.

Oh, Donnie?

Yeah, you said he was pretty dreamy, right?

Forget marriage. Aim low.

- Low. -Easy. Boyfriend status. Okay?

We'll go from there.

Baby steps, best friend. Baby steps.

- Uh-huh. -Plus, you said he's gorgeous.

And he bowled a what? A high bowl... score.

- Right? - Mm-hmm.

You're so pretty.

Of course.

- Barrels all around, sir. - All right then, here we go.

Crunch time, boys. Less than a month to montage it up.

We gotta show that son of a...

Practice practice nonstop

till we're outbowling these jerks in our sleep.

Man, you're taking this awfully personal.

He's the Lando to my Han, shuttle boy.

You're damn right I'm taking it personal.

- Now let's bowl. - You guys bowl in your sleep.

Look, Cassie, the last thing you wanna do is get married.

I've done it like, twice now, trust me.

So, just forget about it, and let's concentrate on getting you

- a date with Donnie again. - You're right, you're right,

you're right, you're right. It's perfect.

I'll just get Donnie to marry me

in the next 29 days before I turn 30.

- Wait, I'm not sure... - Mm-hmm.

- Wow. -Says the girl showing some initiative.

- Give her some credit. - Thanks.

I mean, come on, you two.

The timing's perfect, okay?

And the universe is clearly speaking to me.

It's fate because in the next 29 days

I will not only be way past 26,

I'm gonna be out of my frickin' 20s completely.

So, that's it, that's how much time I have

to find a suitable lifemate.

Maybe it's Donnie, Maybe it's not.

But it's a pretty good start.

So now, I need to fall in love with him,

convince him that he has fallen in love with me

then there's the plot and give some elaborate...

- Oh, my god. - Who the hell is that?

Oh, my god, oh, my god, I can't believe it. It's fate.

I told you. It's him.

You are talking about the attractive one, right?

- Oh, my god, is that... - Pete Weber?

- No. Julie, that's him. That's Donnie. -Huh?

Oh... oh, yeah.

With the guys from the movies store.

- Mm-hmm. - That's weird.

Hey, is that... Is that the chick from TV?

Yeah, I think.

That... that's her.

Oh, wow, yeah.

Come on, pick up your jaw, lover boy.

- It's your turn. -All right, come on, go for it then.

- Okay. - Wait, wait. Hold the phone.

Wait. You're on board with this?

- Oh, hell yeah. -This is... this is the first set

- of goofy guys... - Jules, she's right.

I mean...

Today, all this,

I just feel sort of numb, okay?

So, let's do something fun.

I need it, right?

I don't know. Let's get me hitched.

Okay. All right. Yeah, fine. Yeah.

- Yeah? Great - yeah, sure.

Come on, tits up, ass out.

- Oh, god! -I told you, man, I'm no good at this, dude.

Yeah, well, you better get good.

- You're stressing me out. - I love you, man,

but dude, this is a little too much.

What the hell is he doing?

And what's the deal with anybody says "calm down"

you freak out.

You know how important it is that we just...

You know that...

That we win this thing.

So just, don't tell me to calm down, right?

Or chill out. Or take it easy.

So, all right, who wants a beer?

- What? - Yeah, dude.

How are we still beerless?

Go on, or do you want me

to give that pony a little test ride first?

Oh, uh.

- No. - Okay.

Four, Mike.

I'm sorry. Um...

Well, this might very well come off the wrong way...

Yeah, I'm on television.

Oh, no, I was actually, I think...

Don't... Haven't I seen you?

Me? Oh.

You work at the video store, right?

Oh, right, yeah.

It's just so funny

seeing people outside the store.

Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.

So, you like beer, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, these barrels especially.

Barrels?

- Oh, the beer, it's made in bourbon... -yeah.

So, they used to do in the...

- you know what, never mind, it's dumb. - Oh. Mm-hmm.

So, you guys getting some frames in tonight?

Oh, no, no, no. Just boozing it up.

Ladies' night, you know?

Bad beer, bad service.

Don't people know not to come in here?

- Hey, I heard that. - Oh, no man. No, not you.

It's from "desperado." She was just...

- Quoting. - Thank you.

"Sorrya."

It was either "sorry" or "see ya"

- and then finish. - Could you be any more lame?

I know.

I am the most awkward human being alive.

What are you, starstruck?

Yep, totally her.

- Who's up? - Oh. You, dick face.

Ah.

Look at her. She's emotionally wrecked.

Who knows what's going on upstairs.

I say we ride this out.

I think we need to encourage her.

Look it's gonna be fun, and I bet it'll even end up

being just a little bit good for her.

Maybe even for us too.

- Yes. - I bet you $100

he can go from now through the tournament

speaking in just movie quotes.

- Are you serious? - Think about it. $100.

Can't make it from now till the tournament.

I'd almost feel dirty taking your money, okay?

- Almost. - Don't do it.

"You don't beat the person, you beat the pins."

"Dreamer," '79.

- Man down... i mean, woman down. - Oh, that's gonna hurt.

- Christ on a cracker. - Oh, man, are you okay?

- Jesus, what happened? Hey. - Son of a biscuit.

- Are you all right? - Oh.

What are you doing?

- Brandy. - Oh. Watch where you're going.

Hey, Donnie. Can I bum a smoke?

What the hell is she doing here?

- Shouldn't she be in bed? - Well, friend, it looks like

that is exactly what she's working on.

I have some and you can have them.

Leave. Miss you.

Sorry.

That was my bad all the way.

I spilled my beer there earlier.

No, no, no. It's fine.

Gravity hates me.

So I fall down a lot and um...

- Anyway, my name is Sheldon. - Hi.

- This is Chris. - Hello.

Oh, what was your name? I didn't catch it before.

Uh... Well...

I'm Batman.

Oliver. I'm sorry, his name is Oliver.

Oh. Cassie.

So, do you guys come here often?

We practically live here lately.

Used to. Me anyway.

Donald. It's fancy seeing you here.

Huh. Hi.

Ah. Seems like you two already know each other.

Well, that's great, you guys have all already met.

So, if you'll excuse us

we do have some serious business

- to get back to, so. - Oh, right.

Sure, of course.

- Right, boys? - Gotta bowl it up.

- So... - We're around. All right.

That's what you do

when you're at the bowling alley.

Bowling.

- It's good to see you. - Thank you.

I like your eyebrows.

He's like a child that wanders

in the middle of a movie night.

Donnie!

Hey.

Hey, baby. How's my girl?

Sweetie, what's the matter?

What's the matter? Ah, dad's funeral was today.

Now, come on, now that you're finally home

let's go out and cheer up a bit, huh?

What do you say?

No.

Did you go out to that bowling alley?

Maybe.

- What'd I tell you? - Whatever.

And you're 50 years old. You're not going out.

Mama did tell you not to go to that bowling alley.

It's not my fault you're all extra sad now.

They released a study, mama.

Mm, I read the same paper you do, pumpkin, remember?

I saw it.

I've been waiting on you for years to get married

and all of a sudden it's in print

it's worthy of your attention.

I know.

Anyway, that range went all the way up to 30.

I never married.

Look what it got me. All this.

This is my apartment.

Exactly, sweetie.

I miss him, mama.

Welcome to Heine brothers', where you can now try

one of our delicious pumpkin mocha lattes

for just $2.99.

This is Sheldon, how may I help you?

You all got any beer in there?

It's 7:00 in the...

Got them... Got them bottles in there...

Sir, you have to come in for the beer, okay?

It's drive... we can't... i can't give you a beer in your car.

To go. Get it to go, please.

Super size.

Drive around, chunky.

Look, you play redneck far too well.

I'm a man of many talents.

What are you two guys doing up so early?

Inventory day. How 'bout you?

Still beats unemployment, okay?

Hey, and besides, Marcel Marceau there

has a few crap jobs.

Does he catch this much hell? I think not.

Yeah, I don't know. Señor Marceau over here

wants to know your thoughts

on our new friend from last night.

Oh, well, you know, I've always been

more of a Mary Ann over ginger kind of guy.

No, dude, the other one.

- Clumsy. -She was hot, I guess, for a white girl.

I mean... And she seemed cool, too.

You know, I mean hot as in good looking, cool...

Figure it out.

Well, I'm not sure but I'm thinking maybe

our buddy Ollie here might be sweet on her too.

- Ah. - Bonus oddity,

seems like she's in the store a lot,

and yet somehow I've never met her before.

Hmm. Doesn't seem so strange to me, you know,

because all you do is sit in the back room

and play with yourself.

I'm a manager, I'm managing.

Well, thank you once again for your impeccable service...

I can't hear you. Not sure what you're saying.

Please extend my compliments to the chef.

It's delicious chocolate drink.

Good day, sir.

So, don't forget our retro pick of the week

airing on Wdrb this Friday night,

it's "captain Ron."

That's Martin short, the Caribbean,

and Kurt Russell's best comedic work

this side of "overboard."

So, until next time, everyone remember,

don't ever say pass until you hear from Cass.

You're clear.

Can we go now?

Julie, has she heard the big news?

- Oh. - What big news?

Right. Cass, brace up, okay?

So that guy, you always talk about,

- big bowling guy. - Yeah.

Apparently he's coming to town.

Your boy, Pete "weeber" is gonna be in

the Lebowski fest tournament.

- Wait, Pete Weber? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh! Why? - I just got word from the PBA.

Your little crappy local tournament

- is gonna be the home for their brand-new... -oh, my god.

Amateur world series of bowling event.

There's gonna be a lot of really important

- bowling people there. - And... and...

- Is that real? That's real? - And cherry on top.

- Cherry. -While there aren't as many people

watching bowling as there used to be.

It's still a metric butt ton

more than we tend to get for that time slot

so we're gonna shoot the tourney live

- oh, my god! - For the PBA.

What? Get out!

I'm... I got really excited, I love you.

- I know. - Okay, let's hold hands.

Hi, I'd like to buy a movie...

Can you help me?

Okay, so it has that guy from that movie

with that girl and they were in love.

And they were in love and...

"no, you can't help me" or you don't have the movie?

"Unfortunately it is out of print."

So, can you maybe like, order it for me?

Oh, my god!

"Out of print" means out of effing print!

It is no longer produced for retail sale.

You get nothing. You lose!

Good day, sir!

What? I said, "effing."

Oh, hey. Hey. How's it going?

Hi, not much. Just got off of work.

Oh, down at the station?

Yes. I'm in ad sales.

Oh, oh, creepy. Right.

Yeah, no, we listen to the podcast all the time.

- Big, big fans. - Oh.

You're the only critic we'll actually cite.

Anyway, you talk about where you work a lot

and we just put two and two together

after seeing you out with action news,

Julie Simms, last night.

Yeah. She's a character.

So... well, thanks. But I prefer, anti-critic.

It's silly but I try to play up the good ones

the real critics gave a bad rap.

It's our spin anyway.

Hey, do you guys have video games?

You were saying.

Yeah, I just passed a little girl

bawling her eyes out.

Did you make her cry?

- You? - We only torment the ignorant.

We're simply trying to maintain

a respectful client base.

I mean, I know you understand.

You started buying Blu-rays

- how many years ago? - A while.

Yeah. Plus I've had to work my ass off

ever since that guy clammed up.

Look, just 'cause you pour syrup on it, don't make it pancakes.

- What is that? That's not even... - Wait.

This whole thing

is really starting to backfire.

Is that from, um...

- "Juice." Yeah. - Yes!

- Yeah, one of those hood movies from the '90s. -Uh-huh.

- Lesser known, but definitely one of the finer. -Definitely.

Anyway, the "dork knight" over here

is speaking solely in movie quotes now.

Just a little bet between friends.

He's been impressive so far

but also much, much more annoying

than initially anticipated.

Yeah, we gave him yes and no,

but anything else, he's gotta be ready

with a title and character name

- if questioned. - What we got here

is a failure to communicate.

- Challenge. - "Cool hand Luke." The captain.

- There it is. - Okay.

Neat. Oh.

I came in for new releases, but you don't have any.

Yeah, yeah, no there are some,

but none worth putting on the board.

Oh.

Only goes anymore are the old reissues anyway.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

Really weird, potentially creepy question

- from me now. - Yes, please.

Okay, would y'all wanna get interviewed sometime for the...

Oh, for the Lebowski fest podcast coming up.

Well, no promises, but average Joes movies.

- I don't know yet, but. - You know what,

I'm actually, I'm really glad

that you asked.

- Speaking of creepy town, population us. -Uh-huh.

What are you doing later tonight?

Oh, I don't know. Why, what's going on?

Oh, just our weekly board game night!

- Oh. - Super cool, I know.

But it's actually a pretty laid back good time.

Ollie's mom is actually on house arrest again

so we're short a person this week.

I don't know, yeah.

It actually sounds really fun.

So, let me know and I'll see if I can pencil you in.

Great, yeah, why don't I,

I'll just write down directions

- for you, just in case. - Cool.

Hmm, why do you got that handy?

You know what, why don't you just...

You wanna just text it to me?

Well, well, well,

look at little miss fancy pants.

- With the business card here. - So fancy.

Got your name on it and everything.

- I do, yeah. - That's nice.

Okay, so yeah, just let me know

and you know like, um...

Well, like...

Maybe I'll see you later, okay?

Right, that's what happens.

Check you later.

- Ow. - Dork.

Cass, seriously, they live above the bowling alley?

What? This the address he sent me.

Are you even sure Donnie's gonna be here?

- I hope so. - No more cancellations...

- Hey, what's going on? - Hey.

Tough practice commute, huh?

Ah, yep. Temporary.

Come on in. Make yourselves at home.

- Hello. - Hi.

Chris should be back with Ollie any minute.

Can I get your coats?

- Yes, thanks. - Oh, yeah.

- Yeah. Okay. - Thanks. Okay.

- Okay. - Yes.

Nice... It's a nice place.

- It's a fixer-upper. - Right.

- Thank you. - Sure. Nice.

- So, can I get you anything? - I was...

- Can I use the restroom? - Absolutely.

Right through that door.

Okay.

My name's Sheldon by the way.

I'm Julie by the way.

Nobody put baby in a corner.

Hey, hey... Oh, hey.

- Hi. -Guess I did that right after all, huh?

- What, text? Oh, yes, you did. - Huh?

Well done.

Guys, this is my friend, Julie.

Brought along for the ride, hope that's okay.

- Hi. - Oh, yeah. Random gathering

with some dudes you barely know,

- of course you did. -No! That's not why I brought her.

What did I tell you, worst rape trap ever.

- Nice. He's kidding. - Okay.

Seems like everyone's here, right?

- Oh. Wait, wait. Sorry. - So, shall we?

- This is everybody? -Yeah, why, were you expecting...

Hit me again...

Oh, right, you probably thought

little Donnie would be here.

- Oh, no, i... I mean... maybe. - Hand job.

Hand job?

- Hand job? - So, um...

Chris, Ollie, ladies,

this week, yeah...

It's dominoes.

Two. Two...

Cheers.

So wobbly.

- Thank you. -Cass, I'm gonna take a tour of the house.

- You're serious? - Yeah, Chris, I'm gonna go over to the...

- Right. Take your time. - I love you.

I will, brother.

Miss you.

I...

- So... -I guess they are done playing.

You know, I think I am too.

You guys wanna watch a movie or something?

It's like you're in my head.

Mm-hmm.

Wait, were we supposed to like,

do some sort of interview or...

- Movie first? Great. - Sure.

Let's find one.

Oh, it's a tiny little baby collection.

Yeah... shel's not much of a movie buff.

I keep mine back in the vault.

Hey, let's go, boys. Time is honey.

Oh, I love that movie.

- Oh, I got it. The criterion. - Oh.

- Brb. - Great.

I always say that...

"Can't hardly wait"...

Hands down...

One of the greatest...

Comedies...

Ah...

Ever...

What's the trouble bubble?

Oh...

So, your friend is cool. She's all right.

- Hmm? - I mean, your friend's okay.

Like she's all right. I'm gonna get some shots.

You know, she wasn't feeling well.

She, well, she had something on her face.

And so I helped her.

She just wasn't... You know,

I did... Being a gentleman...

- Cheers. - Cheers.

To new friends.

I'll be back.

I can't feel my legs.

- Ooh, yeah. - Are you okay?

I'm great. I feel really good about it.

- Okay. - Hey, look at your rug.

He's fine.

She's acting weird, man.

Yeah. Hey, Cassie.

Hey, sweetie.

- Hey, you okay? - We own a highlighter.

It rattles. You have a baby rattle?

- Hey, yeah? - I'm just so awake.

Can you hear it sing?

Yo, Chris,

what did I tell you about leaving these things?

- Doggies so smiley. - Oh, my g.

Oh, my god. Uh, Cassie?

Cassie, hey, hey, Cassie.

Hey, look listen.

You might have accidently taken

some experimental hallucinogens,

okay?

Do you remember around what time

you might have taken the dissolving?

Your eyes are so weird.

- You just took one, right? - Look, we gotta get her home.

What else could possibly happen?

Everything's so pretty.

- What's wrong with you? - Aha, no way, come on.

Ricky. "Boyz n the hood."

Dude, what is with you and hood movies?

You know you're white, right?

- I was born a poor black child. - Shut up.

And what do you mean, "what's wrong?"

I mean, look at her.

Man, look, it's just been

a bad past few days, all right?

Remember that little rendezvous

I had the other day?

Turns out that was just the humble beginnings

of an altogether crapsicle of a week.

You mean you want someone to screw on the first date?

- Okay, that is... - "Animal house." Her name was Katy.

No, man look, okay,

sex or no, it just turned out to be

a complete disaster, all right.

Suitorette, this guy's a homophobe.

Homophobe? No.

Dude. I just hate closeted poster boy

with a lisp.

I mean, regular ordinary gay is just fine

you know, what am I, self-hating now?

Anyway, just that, this,

he who shall not be named

coming into our pro shop the other day.

Ollie, I swear to god

if we don't win this tournament.

- I'm really thirsty. - Milk.

- Huh? -Drink nothing but milk for like the next ten hours.

Okay, trust me. It's a base,

it'll balance your system, I promise.

What? I travel a lot.

Hmm.

Hey, why are we even still doing

the whole movie line thing anyway?

You should just be helping me decide how to spend my $100.

I knew you wouldn't make it through the tournament.

Ex-squeeze me, baking powder?

Dude, you totally boned the bet and you know it.

That whole alcoholic etymology speech

- back there. - No, night chef.

- Say that again. - Yeah, "night shift."

Batman, the fonz, pimp hookers from the morgue.

- Ron Howard? - I rule.

You might be the only suitor I will have ever met

for sleeping beauty back there

and that useless random knowledge contest.

- Thank you. - Phone home.

Okay, here we are. Now look.

A few things you have to remember.

Sleep. Do not go to sleep

until you are like really unbearably tired.

- Okay? - Mm-hmm.

Drink lots of milk, nothing but milk.

And don't handle any sharp objects or anything.

- Hmm. - You sure you're gonna be okay?

Mm-hmm.

- Is that highlighter? - Yeah.

- It's moving. - I'm just...

I'm just gonna walk you in.

Oh.

Hmm.

- Hey. - Hi.

Mm.

- Good night, pretty lady. - Mm-hmm.

See ya.

Hey, baby.

- What are you doing? - I'm heading to the club.

- 2:00 in the morning. - So? I'm really early.

What do you say, huh? Come with?

- Yeah. - Yeah! All right.

Okay, let's go. Woo!

These lights are loud.

- It's pretty tame, huh? - S... white taint? Gross.

- What do you want to drink? - Oh, um,

I want a milk.

Yeah, baby, it's a bar.

- Yeah. - No, seriously.

- Hey! Mama D's here. - Hi!

- Hi. -After all, I do have a rep to uphold.

I'm supposed to do... Oh, hi, friend.

What is... mm. That smells like juice.

I wanna drink juice instead.

- Oh. Whatever pumpkin. - Let's have fun.

- One OJ coming up. - Okay.

OJ.

Tastes like oranges.

Sounds like oranges.

Woo.

What up, stud?

- Hey. - Hey.

- Fancy meeting you here. - Yeah, right.

Oh...

Oh, are you, um, I mean with the business?

- What? No. No. - No?

- No. -But you're wearing a bracelet.

It's just crazy hard

to get straight guys to go out to clubs.

I just, all of a sudden realized

that's maybe why we only went on one date.

Well, you know what? Let's fix that.

- I'll fix it. - How 'bout this Saturday?

- At 8:00. - Mm-hmm.

- Really? Sure. - Yeah. Call me.

I have a new number though.

- Mm-hmm? - Yeah. It's 5-5-5...

D-o-n-e.

- Like me. Donnie. - Oh. Okay.

I finally got it. I'm so psyched.

- That's cool. - Okay.

- Till then. - Yeah.

- Should i... - Yep.

Okay.

- That was easy. - Where the hell were you?

Cheers, baby.

Episode 42,

the GBF has a long and storied

cinematic tradition.

Rupert Everett in "my best friend's wedding."

My boy, Ethan embry's Bobby ray

in "sweet home Alabama."

Damian from "mean girls."

I mean, come on, ducky.

Usually both wise and whacky,

the gay best friend can often serve a vital role

in the romantic arcs and escapades

of their lady companions.

Not that they never seem to get

their own fairy tale endings.

- Well, good morning sunshine. - Oh, go to hell.

Wait, we're already here. So, it's fine.

Oh, my god, have you slept at all yet?

I mean, look at me. Just take it in.

Oh, my god. I'm seriously so sorry.

But hey, look, this is where I start to make it up to you.

Right? What are you, what are you drinking?

Oh, no. Sleepy. Drink, bad.

Okeydokey, Mike. Water for her, please.

And just root beer.

Jules. Shel. Bourbon.

- And then people fell down. -Yeah, they got pretty close quick, huh?

Yeah, I'm never touching

a stupid dissolving ever again.

I can't believe I just left her there.

Place blame where it belongs, okay?

It was not the work of any ordinary breath mint

substitute, all right.

It was completely my fault.

Besides, I think that she made out just fine.

If you know what I mean.

- No pun intended. - Last night...

As tired as I was, guess who I saw out.

Yeah, I heard. Are you excited?

- You heard? How? - Social media.

- Wow. - Look, I'm kinda in between

fairy princesses right now.

So, just so you're aware, a position is open.

And you are being considered.

- So... - Thank you.

But I'll be honest, I'm sort of nervous.

I think that Donnie is seeing someone else.

- Seeing someone? - Yeah.

- Other than himself? - Mm-hmm.

Well, last night one of the guys said something,

he was out, because he wasn't there.

So, he was... He was getting...

Come on.

Someone said he was getting a...

I'm not following.

Is this how you do it? I don't know.

- I'm sorry. - He said that...

- Oh, oh, yeah. Oh, okay, no. - Mm-hmm.

Look, Donnie... Donnie is a hand model.

And he was on a job, a hand job.

I mean, are you kidding?

He's... I mean, he's never mentioned

anything about being a hand model.

- Yeah, amongst other things. - Fascinating.

Yeah, he likes to think that he's an actor.

Okay.

It's not as bad as that I might make it sound.

He's actually a pretty decent guy.

I mean, I guess I just assumed

he was on the tour, but he's an actor?

- Hmm, great bowler. - Yeah, go figure.

He's also one premium grade

- piece of man ass. - Yeah, that's true.

- I mean, he's as dumb as a snowman. - Mm-hmm.

But who needs brains when your other columns

are that full.

Yeah, no, it's right up my alley.

- Intended. - Nice.

- How about this one? - Mm-hmm.

Speaking of hard wood,

- mm-hmm. - Let's hit it.

Well played. Let's do this.

So, what's going on with the interview.

Not sure yet, but... Ooh, can you grab that?

Yeah. Of course.

We can talk to you guys about movies, bowling,

stuff you don't really know about.

And then I'm gonna turn it into, like...

Oh. Well, hey buddy.

Long time no see.

Practicing up for the big tourney?

Hey, we're just shooting the breeze here.

It's good to see you again. Where're the guys at?

- Hey, Oliver. - Get out...

Of this bowling alley.

Yeah, man. We're on our way.

See you in a few weeks.

And best to Sheldon too.

May the best man...

Well, you know the rest.

No.

So, what's with pleats McGEE?

So, big night Saturday, huh?

- Just a make sure Donnie doesn't bump into... -what?

Or fall off anything,

at least until after the tournament.

Okay.

I can hear how ugly that is.

Hey, you found your own place yet?

Yeah, mommy's looking, pumpkin.

Mm-hmm.

Ugh, yeah, yeah. Cass pillar.

Just like that.

No kidding. I hate you.

Oh, baby, look, I been...

Come on, sit down here minute, I wanna talk to you.

Okay.

I loved your daddy.

More than I'll ever be able to let on I think.

He gave me the best thing that ever happened to me.

Of course, you two...

Oh, you two had something, that's for sure.

You were everything to him.

He would stand by anything you decided to do.

So if this

mission thing is that important to you,

just go for it.

Okay?

But Cassie, please, just don't get hurt.

That's my girl.

- Mom, answer that. - You're insane, child.

I nearly got this son of a bitch beat.

Hi, oh, crap. I forgot my purse.

Oh, you have no idea.

I came this close to beating

that son of a bitch and...

Hello. Hi.

- Hello. - I'm Cassie's mother, Diane.

- Pleasure to meet you. - You play video games, huh?

- I do, yeah. You? - Okay.

What ya got there?

Fungus thumb. Other part.

- Pleasure to meet you. - Uh-huh, and you.

Okay. Okay, great. Come on, let's go.

- Okay. - Y'all have fun now.

Bye.

So, you live with your mom, huh?

Nope. She lives with me.

So, what's the plan?

- I just love tacos so much. - Yeah. I know.

- That must get annoying. - Well, you get used to it.

- Yeah? -That's the thing though too sometimes like,

I'll forget that it's on.

And people look at me like I'm a real creep ball.

- You know, but yeah. - Yeah.

Anyway, I only do it when I got a gig coming up.

- I do have a big gig coming up. - Wow.

- Big one. -Cool. That sounds real interesting.

I don't know much about hand modeling but...

Oh, cool, you got the same shirt you wore

- the other night. - Oh, no,

it's totally different.

- Why don't I get these. - There's...

- And we'll head out. - There's... are you...

- Do you want this? - I don't wanna waste.

Yep. Um...

So, what did you think of next?

Something fun, wild and crazy or...

- No, it's your turn. - Or sort of fun...

I... I got the tacos.

- Oh, um... - Victory!

Oh, okay.

We could go bowling.

You know, league's just ending

and they don't turn on the silly black lights until at nine.

No. - Really?

- Next. - It's just that

you're such great bowler.

- I'm all right. - All right?

You bowled perfect game which is pretty amazing.

Just, I mean,

- talk about a cuticle ripper, right? -Oh.

And I wouldn't even bowl period

if it wasn't for my cousin, shel...

- Sheldon's my cousin. - Oh.

- Long story. - Didn't know that.

Yeah, I wouldn't be bowling at all

if not... if I didn't owe him so many favors.

- Yeah? -But the guys are okay, I guess.

Mm-hmm. Sure.

Yeah. It's just not really my thing.

I must sound...

Ah. Look, listen to me, I...

I can take it. I'll just put it with the other one.

- Thanks. - That sounds so bad.

I don't know. It's just, like...

Bowling's fine, right?

Just not really my... I don't love it.

Yeah. Okay. That's fine.

I'll just tell my friend that we can't make it.

You got a friend coming to meet us, huh?

- Yeah. My friend Joanie. - Cool.

- It's Julie's sister. - Joanie...

- Julie's sister. - Uh-huh.

- Julie Simms? - Yeah.

- Joanie Simms. - Yeah.

ATL's casting director, Joanie Simms.

- Yeah. -She was gonna come meet us tonight?

- She loves to bowl, so yeah. - Let's go... why don't we just go,

- I'll... we'll just go for a bit. - You want to?

Yeah, I'll teach her some stuff.

- If she loves it. Come on. - Okay.

♪ No bueno

- go ahead. - Oh, no.

- I don't... - What, are you serious?

Yeah, I guess I should've mentioned that.

I don't. Not anymore.

Used to.

I was pretty decent.

Then I broke my wrist cheerleading.

- Oh. - Yeah.

So, that was a thing.

My dad was a pro bowler.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

- What position did he play? - What?

Did he play quarterback or wide receiver or...

Are you... are you... Wait, really?

Or is that... what?

- Ah. - You can have those.

- That's fine. - Neat.

So, I gotta warn you, I do snore a little bit.

Nice. Um... Good night, Donnie.

Well, ah, wait. Third time's a charm.

- Soon? - You know, maybe.

Uh...

Ugh, bye.

Okay, well, um...

So, tell Joanie

that I say hello.

Hey, how'd it go, Cass?

Well, he took me to the exact same taco joint.

And then I may have lied

and said that your sister from actors theater was gonna meet us.

And then I told him I was a cheerleader.

So, I think it went really well.

Okay, I am gonna go vomit now.

Yeah, i... I should've been talked out of it.

- Because I panicked and I said... - okay, no, listen.

Cass, Cass, look at me, look at me.

We have been friends for a long time

and i... you mean so...

If you... I mean, you don't need

to feel like, um...

- Where's that BARISTA? - Jules, it's your boyfriend.

Cass, for my latte. Not for you.

And he's off tonight.

No, he's great, Donnie.

Really I mean, he's not all that bad.

And... I mean, he's obviously gorgeous.

He's definitely kind of fun to hang out with

and he's a really good bowler so I guess that's it.

You know, i... He's the guy.

I just, I don't know.

I guess I thought I would feel something...

Ugh, please, shut up. I am so tired of this.

Look, there's no such thing as the perfect man, okay?

Doesn't exist.

Who or whatever created the female species

knew what they were doing because they knew

what we were in for.

And like it or not, we've longed for the gift

of feminine sexuality.

- But why? - I don't, I don't know.

I don't... Do you know?

They knew we could use it.

There are two things that separate us from men.

No, not those.

The first obviously, the brain.

But come on, everyone knows

women are smarter than men, right?

Where's that gotten us? Nowhere.

- But sex... - Wait, wait, butt sex?

No. Sex is the one thing we have an endless supply of,

that men have an endless appetite for.

- Yeah, that was touching. - Shut up.

Come on, Cass, it's like you're losing the war

and you're still ignoring your best weapon.

Don't look at my boobs.

All right, don't make her uncomfortable.

While I don't completely agree with that,

you don't really expect us to believe

that a girl who has seen as many movies as you have

doesn't know from sexy.

I mean, Cass, look at you.

It's almost insulting to the rest of us.

I mean, look see, no man is gonna be the man of your dreams

without a little training.

You really are evil incarnate.

Tell my boyfriend that.

Which one?

Coming up on the big tournament game,

bowling will surely be intense

and the trivia will be trickier than ever.

But we all know the real question,

what's everybody wearing?

Often overlooked, even my cinephiles,

nothing can make or break or grab someone's attention

- like a sexy costume. - Hi, I'm looking for a movie.

I'm looking for a movie.

Looking for a movie?

Name, name, what is the name of the movie

you're looking for, huh?

How are we supposed to know what kind of movie you want?

You're in a store filled with movies.

So like, could you maybe just be

a little bit more specific with your request

for which movie you'd like before you become irritated

with my good friend and colleague here, hmm?

Well, how 'bout I talk to your manager.

Oh, the manager? Yeah, great idea.

Let me go get him.

Hi, I'm the manager.

Is there something

- we can help you with today? - You're a little shit.

And a happy holidays to you, sir!

Look man, I know you're saving up for school

and everything,

you're way overdoing it

with this whole multi-job thing.

I mean, you're overworked, you're undersleeped.

It's really starting to show on that ugly mug of yours.

Wait a minute.

Unless you really are full-on twitterpated

with miss Cassie Caulfield, aren't you?

No time for love, Dr. Jones.

The tournament's in like, two weeks, all right?

We need to get your priorities straight,

you know.

You gotta want it.

That's your problem.

You just, you don't know what you want.

Yeah, look, you don't want to be in love.

You wanna be in love in a movie.

It's "sleepless in Seattle," I know.

Look, you just, you have to understand,

okay, guys like us never get the girl. Ever.

Think of it this way. Okay, you're the Pullman, right?

Or the Kinnear more recently.

You're the guy in the movie

who has no outstanding flaws, you are sweet,

and by all accounts not in anyway unlikeable,

right?

The whole "ugly mug" thing, obviously a joke

'cause you're a pretty handsome cat.

Somehow, some way,

you're gonna get screwed over in the end, man.

And I... I can't sit back and watch you, you know,

sink into the bowels

of general cynicism, all right.

I'm there. Right now. It sucks. Okay?

I... this is gonna sound really gay,

truth is you're...

You're kind of an inspiration, all right?

No, I mean it.

You're the nicest,

most caring guy I've ever met.

Yeah, you're not rocking Swiss accounts,

but you know, you're a solid guy.

Solidest guy I know.

Look, all those other girls have no idea

what they have their hands on.

All right, I mean, like Emily...

Look, you know what I'm saying.

Hell, if you fish in my pond...

Look, you get me. You're great, okay?

So, just be Ollie again. For god's sake.

And one day you write something

where you do get the girl in the end.

Just I don't know, for right now,

that's all I got.

Just forget it.

You know, just let it flow.

You know, scream it out.

I am average!

I'm losing my hair and I don't have a car.

I'm flawed. I'm lonely.

God damn it, I'm human, right?

And I friggin' love it.

No, no, no, no. So Donnie can have her, man.

All that Donnies can have all the hers in the world.

Just remember, okay, we'll always have the movies.

In there, a happy ending

is just...

A sign of another bad flick, right?

Where's y'all's Hank Williams tapes?

What's going on, fellas?

Oh, just a second.

Speak of the devil, look who just invited us

to a little holiday shindig at her place?

♪ Let's get loaded

♪ let's come party

♪ let's get loaded

♪ I've got mine and you'll bring yours ♪

♪ let's get loaded

♪ we're going for it

♪ I'm so excited

How old is this tape, anyway?

This is dick Weber back in '61.

His first win for bowler of the year.

Oh, you're so smart, babe.

And it's no tape, it's actually on cable,

how cool is that?

Greatest of all time, I say.

Well, when did he die, '05?

Look at that form.

- Hey, hey, Donnie. - Hmm?

Can I sit? Thanks.

How's it going? Are you having fun?

- Not really. - Oh...

- Ooh, your hands are cold. I like it. -

You ever think about you know when,

- with the right girl, the sound... - shh.

Blessed in this respect he gets away with it

because he has very narrow hips.

What's happening?

It's a mint.

Yeah, a friend tells someone when their...

- You know what you are a great friend. - When their breath stinks.

- Yep. - Thank you.

You hit me with a straight ball?

What? Are you serious?

I thought the big curve was the money shot.

- Not so much, huh? - Not back then.

- See back then, the ball was... - Okay! That's it, Cassie.

I'll see you...

Ugh, in a couple days, I guess.

- Later in the week. - Wait, you're leaving already?

Come on, man. We're learning.

You guys learn. I'm good.

Seriously, it's Christmas Eve.

Shel, mom's making her meatloaf.

You coming or not?

- Shel? Shel? Shel. Shel! - I think he's good, don.

Next week, though. 9:00. Be there sharp.

Be there early. All right? Or I'll end you.

Okay, whatever.

Cass, you wanna come for meatloaf?

Oh, um...

What?

You know what, thank you. No.

- I'm fine. - Okay, whatever.

- See you, guys. - Good night.

Oh, you just have to pull it.

- Hey, there. - Hey. Hey...

Yeah, you know what, I don't think that's a bad idea.

- I'm gonna head out too. - Aw, really?

Hey, can we just watch this last matchup,

then we can chipmunks something

- and frosty and... - You guys have fun.

Look, it's Christmas Eve,

and I have got some presents to deliver.

- Thanks for coming. - All right.

- Bye, Jules, be safe. - You too, okay?

Merry Christmas.

Okay, bye.

We're gonna take a shot every time...

That bastard touches his nose.

Oh, this is way more fun than watching

some dumb Christmas movie.

- Mm-hmm. - Hey, you're back.

Hey, Julie, we need to talk.

But give me one of those shots first.

Yeah, take a shot every time that guy

right there touches his nose.

And there you go.

Oh, you're back.

Julie, you're back. Hey.

- What's that? -Take a shot every time that guy touches his nose.

Ah, right now.

God, he's touching his nose, did you see that?

Oh, that. Shot.

- How are you doing? -You think working in a coffee shop is bad?

Like, you should try dealing with all these stupid,

local fans all the time.

I mean, they have mullets and they just follow me around

and I can't even go to like, the mall.

Look, you people, know nothing about work.

Thirty-seven different places of employment for me.

I've been working since I was 12.

I've served food, I've mopped floors,

I've sold cars.

But the most memorable job that I've ever had by far

was at the den.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you have not fully lived until you've been

the inventory captain of an adult toy super store.

Imagine, if you will,

screaming across a room the size of a football field.

"Hey there, Billy. What was the last count

on those pocket rockets?

No, no, no, no. Not that one.

The other one, the one with the rotators.

For her pleasure?"

What is that from?

- Oh, holy crap, Ollie. - I touched the time.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Time, dude. He just called the time, dog.

- Oh, my god. Dude. - Easy, mothersucka!

Hey, guys, I think he passed out.

Wait, let me see, let me see, let me see.

Oh, wow. He lost a lot of weight.

He was a pretty big boy.

Now, he just keeps that in there

for inspiration.

Oh, my god, there's a cab outside.

All right, I'm gonna get the coats.

Hey, hey.

There's something we need to tell our girl

about the dreamy guy

and his fondness for slutty jailbait.

- Wait, are you serious? - Yes.

Okay, he's playing his weight.

- 'Cause maybe it was nothing. - It was something.

Attaboy, head in the game, I like it.

- Bye, guys. - My idea.

- Merry Christmas. - Oh. Hey, hey.

Oh, baby.

Listen, thanks for a wonderful evening.

No bueno.

Every waking second

between now and the tournament is strictly practice.

So, we got a demon to defeat.

- I'm sure you understand. - I'll call you.

She's such a smart girl.

This article has really gotten to her.

Stop it, you and I both know

it's not just about that, okay?

I mean, look,

sometimes the smartest road ain't always the best way

to get where you're going, you know.

Sometimes it's the things we learn along those...

Windy, scary, kinda crazy roads

that make for a good road trip.

Well, well.

Look who's kinda gotten all wise in her old age.

- I will bite your feet off. - I'm sorry.

Look, she's a big girl, she can take care of herself.

Okay? So you just need to stop worrying about it

and get some sleep.

Don't touch my knee.

Quit it.

♪ The snow I fear it's falling down again ♪

♪ and it takes just once

♪ for it to offend the spring ♪

♪ and drive it away

♪ for just a little while ♪

Okay. Okay.

- Ah. - Hey, so I was on my way to, um...

- Church and I think I may have left my... - can you please leave?

- I just need to find my wallet. - It's Christmas, go home.

Look, can I just come in for a minute?

Okay. Just... Quickly, please.

- Just grab it and go. - Okay, I think i...

- I just didn't expect anyone to be here. - It's okay, I left it over...

This place is a mess, it's really early,

and my hair is crazy and I feel disgusting.

- Look, just... - Oliver, I'm sorry.

I'm just hungover and I'm sweaty and I feel really gross

- and I don't know why you're here. - Hey!

Cassie!

I don't know what your problem is

but I can absolutely without a doubt guarantee you

that you are nothing but stunningly gorgeous

right now.

Just... just like you have been

for every second of every day

since the first time you came into our store.

When we met away from the store

the other night,

for the first time, I... well...

I've been wanting to say those words to you

for weeks now.

But I...

I couldn't find the right words.

Movie words.

You're just the most truly beautiful sight

I've ever seen and no stupid little quote

from a movie could ever do you justice.

So, I think my... I might have left...

Take me to bed or lose me forever.

Just...

Just, take me. Take me.

- No, this is on the couch. - Here we go.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, good idea.

- Whoa, can't see. - Ow.

Oh, was that a face? I can't... help me.

- Yeah. - Woo. Sorry.

Ah, sweaty.

Cassandra!

Well, kids, that was it.

Christmas. Every year it's the same.

All that build up of joyful joy

just welling up inside for one little day.

Sure, maybe you got that thing you thought you wanted,

but the next morning you wake up

and it's all back to business as usual.

You gotta refocus, eye on the prize,

resolutions.

A brand-new year is on its way.

- Hey. What are you doing here? - Hey.

Oh, I was just in the neighborhood

and thought I'd bring your wallet.

Oh, about the other night.

The other night or morning?

- Morning. Christmas morning. - Yeah?

- I was waiting to say something about that too. - I just want to say I'm sorry.

- You're sorry? -Yeah, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have...

You know what, if I remember correctly,

I'm the one who ran off, so.

Yeah, it was kinda, it got awkward.

I mean, come on, it was a week ago.

- That's... it's fine. -Yeah, it was still pretty awkward.

- Yeah, you left me there with her. Alone. -Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I'm really... I panicked, you know,

because I sort of forgot

that she gets up early on Christmas.

- She was naked. Your mother. - I know.

- I can't block it out. - Nude.

- -I wish I could forget. Just... it's in there.

I should probably check out what that thing is.

- Anyways. - So, about that...

- Maybe we could... - I have... there's this thing.

You know what, we can't be weird.

- Weird? - Yeah.

- I really... I like you. - Yeah, I like...

I just... I know how friends can be weird sometimes

after one night... morning. Whatever.

- And so let's not be weird. - Okay.

- Plus Donnie and I are sort of... - Donnie? Are you serious?

Oh, okay. Yeah, all right.

No, I get it. We can't be weird.

- You got it. -Great. Okay, I was just sort of worried that maybe...

So, I should probably get back to...

To work.

There's people that want their coffee.

Is that a tumbleweed?

You know what,

I'm sorry I bothered you at work.

See ya at the tournament Saturday?

You know, we'll see.

Sure... but yeah.

Got it. Right.

Well, see you around then.

Hey, Oliver.

Sorry.

Yeah. Um...

"Sorrya."

♪ And I'll love you

♪ as long as you want me to ♪

♪ And I'll love you

♪ as long as you want me to ♪

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the PBA

world series of bowling amateur event,

live from Lebowski fest here in Louisville, Kentucky.

Such a wild event that's been around for years,

built solely on the backs of entertainers.

Fans of one of the greatest films

of all time, and certainly the greatest bowling movie of all time,

"the big Lebowski."

Can the defending tournament champions,

Satan's pinions,

maintain the title with their new lineup?

Only time will tell.

What? What if the idiot doesn't show?

Jesus, would you just calm down,

he'll be here.

Shouldn't I be the one freaking out?

- I am captain. - Really? Calm down?

- Yeah. -Again you're telling me to calm down.

Stop it, okay? He'll be here.

Do you have any friggin' clue how important today is?

- Just let me figure this out. - Dude, I know...

Need I remind you two

of what that sock cucker did to me, hmm?

- "Sock cucker?" - Oliver...

Sweet Oliver, I don't wanna hurt you.

- Mm-mm. -No. But you know that I will, all right?

Do you know have any idea what I had to do

to get us on these lanes, huh?

Do you have any idea what I had to do

to get us on the other side of the bracket

from that pile of crap, huh?

- So go ahead, tell me again that he'll be here. -Hey, guys.

That he'll show.

You sure this looks all right?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Okay. - Oh, seriously, baby.

It doesn't even start until noon.

What? Nine! Mom, what time is it?

- Wait, hold on now. I thought you said that you... - you know what, never mind.

- Bye. I'm leaving. - What about your birthday?

All right, so the way I see it now,

looks like we got a cakewalk through to the semis.

Right? What's up with you?

Probably starting to feel the heat, huh?

Stupid trivia contest.

I mean, who knows the Ralph's card number.

Now, you're our captain, okay,

you wanna start acting like it?

Come on man, chill out.

Donnie, please, don't...

You are so lucky that you're bowling

reasonably well.

Hey, chip. What's up?

Hey, it's busy.

Had to call in reinforcements, huh?

- How long have they been rolling? - About all day.

They ran out of Kahlua a little while ago.

This day hasn't been pretty.

All he needs is a six on the field ball

and that alcoholic ass monkey knocks us

- out of the biggest tournament of our lives. - Dude, serious?

Close one here closing out our semi finals

as Santa's pinions are one roll away

from facing off against their former teammate

in the championship game.

This ragtag bunch of fellas

- has really been busting - hey, you're on the wrong side.

- Their way through the bracket today. - Hey, buddy!

Just this last frame between...

Oh, my goodness.

Look, we've got a confused bowler

- out there, Mike. - Yes sir,

looks like he's had himself

an adult beverage.

Jesus.

- I hope you feel better. - All right, everything's okay now.

Let's see if he can bring it home.

Shutting these pinions out from a chance

at being our new champs.

- Today, junior. - He steps up to the mark.

Here's his form. The release.

They've done it. Santa's pinions move on to the final.

Up next, an all pinions championship match.

Are you ready, sports fans?

That son of a bitch is mine.

- I'll be right back. - Here we go.

- Okay, wish me luck. - Good luck.

Ready to call it a day, boys?

Forgot to wipe, rimjob.

And it's come to this.

Stan Jawolski and the defending champion,

Satan's pinions.

Face off against Stan's former teammates,

the underdog spinoff, Santa's pinions.

This is gonna be one for the ages.

Gotta keep 'em smooth, right?

Oliver better hurry his ass up.

This will end.

- This ends here. And now. - Yeah. Okay.

And here we go, ten frames to glory, Jason.

- Santa's boys up first. - Yeah.

Nice shot there to start us off.

High flush pocket.

Here comes Satan himself,

the prince of darkness toes the line.

A little left off target it looks like it's going...

And the answer.

Looks like we could have ourselves a game here

as Satan drives one home.

Wuss, what are you doing on the floor again?

Hey, friend.

- Hi. You wanna come... - Hey.

- Uh-huh. What are you doing? - Hi.

I just... I don't know.

- Yeah. -Listen the guys are in finals.

- I know, I heard. - Do you wanna come watch?

I'm nervous about it.

- Okay. - I feel like this is safer.

- Oh. - I know.

- I'll think about it. - All right.

- Okay. - Okay.

- You know, just... okay. - Yeah, I'll... okay, good.

- Don't just... - Okay, bye.

Chalk up another for the man in the rubber gloves

and bowling sandals.

Incredible.

Keep strapped in, folks.

This ride's just getting going.

Oh, high flush. Nice shot.

Right through the target line.

- Strike. -Splits the eight-nine, I love it.

And the baby split converted.

Down the second arrow line. It looks like it'll slide in.

Love tap on a dunk in.

Oh, seven stone style.

Nice spare with the one, two, four, eight.

Yeah, all right.

And eight on the landing. Ten on the hit.

Damn it.

And the famous split. Spare conversion.

Interesting little wheelchair celebration there, Mike.

And up high for five. And down low at ten.

High flush pocket

with a beautiful carry over ten pin.

Oh, you know it!

Ooh, really unlucky here for the underdogs, Mike.

- -Don't you start that shit now.

Down by eight pins their final bowler,

in the final frame.

Looks like this could be

the end of the road for Santa's pinions.

I want you to look over there.

Okay? I want you to look at that...

That miserable little pile of horse flop

because that my friend is the face of evil, okay?

- I dropped everything to be with that man. - Late game.

- Did you guys come to bowl? - Because I loved him, right?

And I thought he loved me.

He's a liar. He's a filthy... evil liar.

Oh, he's never even touched a man in his life.

Right? Hmm.

And then suddenly everything that we...

Everything... Suddenly, I'm just,

I'm just some guy that he bowled with.

This is what I need you to do, Ollie,

I need you to go out there, okay,

and I need you to knock down nine of those pins.

All right? Not just for me.

I need you to do it for Santa's pinions, man.

The three original effing pinions.

And we'll show that worthless pile of pus...

Seriously, let's go, guys.

And everyone in here

that we never needed his sorry ass

in the first place.

Huh? Yeah. Yeah. Go get 'em, man.

Go get 'em.

- Come on! - Come on, brother.

You can do it.

Hello, sorry. Thanks, gentlemen.

Hello, ladies, kids.

Choo...

Hello!

- Bless you? - No. Just...

Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah?

Hey. There was a little bit more

that I wanted to tell you the other night.

I left the coffee shop

and sort of realized something.

You know, I've looked and looked

and looked.

And then it sort of hit me.

That no matter how hard I try

I may never find what I'm looking for.

'Cause what I'm looking for may have been

in front of me the whole time.

I suppose this may not be the best place

or the best time but you're the one, Oliver.

I may even like, like you.

You know, it just...

Wait, what's wrong?

- Oh, no. - I'm just... all right.

Oh, no. Dude.

- What do we do now? - Come on, guys, serious,

why don't one of us just bowl in his place?

Should we call a doctor?

- Ow! - Wait, wait, wait.

- What? -Donnie, okay, it's against tourney rules

for any team member to bowl more than one turn

in a frame, okay?

We either need Ollie back or we need a sub, okay?

A sub. Yeah, yeah, yeah, a sub.

- Yeah, yeah. - Okay.

Her. Hey, you!

Yeah, you, you got us into this mess.

- No, no, no, no. - Come here!

- Maybe not the best of options. - Come on!

Okay, come on, man.

Just let us talk to her.

Hello, Cassie.

Hey, Pete Weber.

You know, your mom called me up earlier.

- What? She did? Why? - I know what it's like to live

most of your life growing up in the shadow.

I'm second on the all time money list,

what that means to me is, well, a lot.

But compared to one thing,

it's like the bronze medal

in the lukewarm poop eating contest.

You know, Cass, it wasn't long ago

in this very bowling center that I got to...

You passed your dad in career titles.

Exactly. It's my first time back since.

I'm not gonna lie, it's not easy.

But you're a pretty special lady, Cass.

And your dad, he was a special man.

It's not about being better.

Or average, or above average like I thought.

It's just I don't think

I ever really made him happy, you know?

And that's all I want.

Just to make him proud.

Well, then, Cass,

here's your chance.

- Okay, shall we? - We shall.

Is that Evel Knievel?

Well, why doesn't Pete just bowl for us?

No, Sheldon, she has to do this.

Well, this is a rather unusual finish here, Mike.

Due to sudden illness, Santa's pinions have been

forced to call in an unlikely substitute.

Belmo, it's Cassie Caulfield, local podcaster,

and only daughter of very recently deceased

PBA tour staple, James Caulfield.

Cassie Caulfield is hitting the wood.

She needs nine in this frame to win it all.

And it's not looking good, Mike j.

It's not a promising start, I'm afraid.

Indeed, a gutter ball means that now it really does

come down to this the last ball of the day,

can she do it?

Wait a minute, here comes PBA legend

and hall of famer, Pete Weber to the lanes.

If there's anyone that knows this kind of pressure,

it's PDW.

A quick few words of wisdom here I'm sure.

I'm a big fan.

Okay.

Here we go, for the game. Tenth frame.

Just roll the ball.

Bowling. Jesus, Diane.

It's just so average.

You are better. You are special.

You will be above average.

Got it?

Don't you ever forget it.

All right now, just roll the ball.

Just roll the ball.

- Here we go, for the game. - Just roll the ball.

- Tenth frame. - For the championship.

For everything.

Opted to take the shoes off as well,

it's an interesting tactic.

Two hands? Back to basics.

It's actually got a chance.

It could be... It might be...

It is!

No!

Incredible, the Santa pinions have not lost.

Santa's pinions, holy upset.

I can't believe it.

I mean, I can believe it, I'm watching it.

But I can't believe it, they've won,

Mike, hey, quick, slap me. Tell me this is real.

It's real, Jason, the crowd is on their feet.

Satan's pinions, they're... they can't believe it.

Everyone is just, the craziest thing

I've ever seen in my entire life

just happened right now in front of me.

Oh!

Mike, Mike, Mike,

she's not here anymore, is she?

Yeah, yeah. She's inside. Come on.

- Am i... no way. - Yeah, she's behind the bar.

Okay. Great. I'll lock up.

- Yeah. She's got my keys. - Thanks dude.

You're the best. I'll see you next week.

Okay. This is it.

Oh, I can do this.

Just, I've seen this movie a million times.

People say what they need to say

when they have feelings to someone else.

I just gotta say it, just be real.

It's just me and her.

It's just me

and her.

Hey, Cassie.

I realized there's a lot of things people say

to one another when they need to say

how much they feel.

But I mean, as far as I know,

I'm not very good at any of that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that,

well, I may not be the best with things

that a man says,

when he needs to tell someone how much he feels.

I can at least say this.

I love you, Cassie.

That's it. I love you now.

I think I loved you the first time we spoke

and odds are I'll just keep on loving you.

I just can't seem to stop.

It's pretty weird, I know.

So, yeah. That's it.

I love you.

So, now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go get sick again.

Stop. That was beautiful.

What's it from?

Oh, well, it's not from anything really.

Oh.

I wrote it for you.

I told you no stupid little quote from a movie

could ever do you justice.

Wait a minute, we're stuck inside

a Nora Ephron movie, aren't we?

No, this is way more Cameron Crowe.

Do we have to get married, now?

No. Come on, let's go over the bar.

I think a quote unquote

date is in order.

Hey, yeah. That sounds good.

- But hang on, let me help you get down. -Oh.

- Just... just watch your head. - Hello.

- Okay. - Are you all right?

Okay, here we go. Oh!

Okay. Oh.

Okay, yeah. So... well, I thought,

why don't we... why don't we start with some barrels?

- Yeah. - And then, you know,

- maybe rent like, a movie or two. - Okay.

And, um...

I don't know, why don't we... Why don't we go bowling?

- Oh. - What's your average?

We're talking beer barrells, though, right?

Oh, yeah, of course. I mean, oh, well...

I mean, that got its thing 'cause the old guys...

- What? - And the old tiny cartoons

- nope. Oh. -And they wore barrells around their waists.

- And the... - Nope. I think you should stop.

- I'll stop. - But you're cute.

Sometimes dear listeners,

I found that life can be a lot like bowling.

You see the pins.

You have the ball.

And there's 60 feet of shiny wood

heading straight ahead toward what you want.

But despite the countless invisible obstacles

standing between you and knocking down

those ten bastard pins,

the hardest part can just be

taking a breath.

Putting one foot in front of the other

and letting go.

♪ This unholy habit

♪ seems to feel like butchered self ♪

♪ but that ain't right

♪ no, that ain't right

♪ right

♪ never let the lord in

♪ because we both keep to ourselves ♪

♪ but you know what I heard ♪

♪ everything is something else ♪

♪ a rumor taking pride

♪ always singing in my head ♪

♪ singing in my head

♪ that daddy did

♪ That daddy did that

♪ Oh, table get evicted

♪ and my songs live up to an end ♪

♪ I finally knew that

♪ that these hands were expanding ♪

What? I said "good day, sir."

Where...

♪ I can reasonably slip away ♪

♪ everyone around me

♪ seems to know how to play a game ♪

♪ how to play a game

♪ it doesn't matter to me ♪

♪ why can't I do or say?

♪ Trying to make a record ♪

♪ of my thoughts screaming through my head ♪

I think you're really funny.

- Thank you. - And you have pretty eyes.

- Thank you. I like your... - I...

- Cut. - Toy.

You're gonna like what I lay down.

You're not gonna lay it down.

I'll fold you like a taco.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

When I bowl, it's gonna be so good,

you're gonna shower me with gifts.

Heine brothers are paying, by the way.

Yeah, you can try.

- Yeah. -I'm gonna mail you the receipt.

- For reimbursement. - Oh, okay.

When I bowl...

It'll feel like you're in Africa

while shooting these in thundercat.

We're not in Africa.

Right now.

Yes!

♪ Oh, it appears

♪ there's an end

♪ to this story

hey, the door's broken.

Yeah, I think drew broke it.

- What position did he play? - Um... what?

He's pro like a... Like a bowler.

He's a pro bowl... Like, a bowler.

With a bowl... bowling.

- Do you know... - What we're doing now.

- Yes! - Okay, I get it.

♪ That it is spoken

♪ from you

you're a little shit.

Your vest is tacky!

What? Are you serious?

- Yeah, I mean... - Excuse me.

Do you have video games like the brothers Mario?

Um...

Cut.

Other, same way. Don't stop.

♪ I was searching for some meaning ♪

♪ I can feel through it with my bones ♪

♪ through my bones

♪ it was lost anew

♪ this song has never known ♪

♪ I should probably surrender ♪

♪ and accepted what I am

- ♪ what I am - ♪ just not very cool

♪ but I'll make a cool, nice shadow ♪

♪ just sit back, relax,

♪ have a drink of beer, oh, boy ♪

♪ to the end of the world ♪

♪ the end of the world

♪ till the end of the world ♪

♪ girl

♪ it's gonna be around

♪ till we all wake up again ♪

♪ 'cause every known problem class ♪

♪ no vary of smoke

♪ will be sad

♪ Find a lonely shirt and put it on ♪

♪ don't matter if they're bitchin', ♪

♪ can't go wrong

♪ no one cares if they told her no ♪

♪ everybody, they will be like you ♪

♪ everybody, we're going bowling ♪

♪ everybody will have some fun ♪

♪ every bowler going bowling ♪

♪ every bowler has a one

♪ we'll smoke cigars and drink all of the beer ♪

♪ we'll slap our banjos out of turn ♪

♪ everything that we're so proud of doing ♪

♪ we put the b-o in bowling ♪

♪ every bowler going bowling ♪

♪ every bowler has a one

♪ friends of bowlers going nowhere... ♪

Who do you think you are?

I am!

- Call my friend. - Awesome.

I like it.

That was awesome.