Original subtitles

- Oh, hi, dear. - Hey.

- Ya hungry?

- Nah, I'm good. Debra made lunch.

[both laugh]

I'm hungry. Come on.

- Oh, a wonderful sense of humor.

Robbie, I'm gonna do a load of your socks and underpants.

Are you wearing today's underpants or yesterday's?

- They're fine, ma.

- No, no. Let me see. - No, no, no.

No, no, no, no! - No, no, no!

- No. Come on!

- Robert!

You know the most important pants a person has?

Underpants. - I know, ma.

- You remember when you ran out of underpants that time?

- It was the fifth grade, ma.

- And you had to wear

A pair of raymond's underpants to school?

- Ew! You never told me that.

- I'm checking your dresser.

- Hey, ray, you hear my imitation

Of robert's tushy cushion?

"how about a salad, fatso?"

A salad.

Oh, man.

- Talking tushy cushion. That's clever.

- Yeah, you should hear his new bit

About the toilet seat talking to me.

- How do you do it? How do you live with them?

If I were you, I'd be wiping off my fingerprints

And rehearsing my 911 call.

- Well, you get used to 'em, you know?

It's like an impacted wisdom tooth.

Without the wisdom.

- My tv guide is missing.

I left it on armrest of the sofa,

And now it's not on armrest of the sofa.

Where is my tv guide?

- Ma had it last.

- Marie, tv guide!

- Yeah.

Got to have a little fun, right?

- Did you do that yourself?

- They're coming!

- So this is good, huh?

You and me watching the ball game.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is nice.

You know, there's another game next week.

- Shut up. It's back on.

- Hey. Listen, is robert around?

- Marie took him to his doctor's appointment.

- Oh, good, 'cause I want to talk to you guys.

- Ah, good lord almighty. What?

- Now, listen. Listen up.

I've been thinking about

What to get robert for his birthday.

- All right. All I have is a ten.

Can this be for christmas too?

- Hey, can I go halvsies with ya?

- Okay, you know, that's exactly why

We need to do something nice for robert.

Because not only did he get gored by a bull,

But he's had to put up with that kind of stuff

For three months.

- What does she want, another ten?

- Hey, how did robert's appointment go?

- Not good.

- What do you mean? What happened?

- Well, I asked the doctor about the clicking in my jaw

When I chew sometimes...

And he said there isn't much I could really do about it.

- I have a suggestion.

- What about robert?

- Oh, no, he's good. His therapy's going very well.

In fact, he can move

Back into his apartment in three weeks.

- Oh, my god, another three weeks?

- Hey, robert. - Hey, robert!

- Well, I suppose you heard my wonderful news.

- Yeah, three more weeks. - Three more weeks.

- Oh, listen--[in a perky tone] three more weeks.

- Well, if you say it like that.

Here, let me try...

[in a mock perky tone] bubonic plague.

- Hey, what do you got? Is that a new cushion?

Whoo. Boy, I wish I had one of those.

Man, that is...Sweet.

- Robbie, three more weeks is not so bad.

Your father and I will help you with your stretching.

- I just want to say, if you do the one

Where you throw your legs over your head,

All baggage must be completely stowed.

- All right, go ahead and laugh. That's what everyone else does.

- Robert, listen, we were just talking about your birthday.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, my birthday.

Happy birthday to the middle-aged man

Who's back living with his parents.

- [singing] and many more

- Oh, you drank all the coffee.

[muttering]

- Raymond. - Hello, son.

- Hey.

We were just having some coffee.

Would you like me to make you some?

- No, no, thanks.

- Uh, how are you?

- What's going on? - What do you mean?

- Why'd you tell me to come over?

- What? We like you.

Can't we just want to see you? I mean, is that such a crazy--

Robert's killing us.

- I can't take it anymore.

- What are you talking about?

- Your brother. He's a jerk.

- No, he's not a jerk, frank.

- He's acts like it's so horrible

Having to stay here with us.

It's not pony ride for us, either.

- He won't even do his exercises.

He just sits around the house insulting us.

This morning, he told me that my pancakes were...Dry.

- And yesterday, he told me I smelled like a billy goat.

- Which wasn't true yesterday.

Raymond, please talk to him.

- What? No, no. No way.

- Come on. He's your brother.

- He's your son!

- You're gonna throw that in my face?

- Raymond, we don't know what else to do.

- Well, look, he's probably just going stir crazy here, huh?

I have an idea. Why don't you guys move?

- Why would you say that?

- Hmm...

I'll talk to him.

- I don't understand why you would want us to--

- I'm talking to him!

Hey. What, are you stretching?

- No, I dropped a fruit loop under the couch.

- Ah...

So, mom and dad starting to get to you?

- Starting to get to me?

They've burrowed into my head,

And they sit on my brain, poking the backs of my eyes.

- Yeah, they'll do that.

But maybe you should cut 'em some slack.

- What?

- Yeah, 'cause they mean well, you know?

Well, mom means well. Dad's just mean.

- What, they send you in here to talk to me?

- No, no, not at all.

- Come on, ray.

Everybody knows you're ma's little lap dog.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, you know, she gives you treats,

And you scamper around doing tricks like a trained poodle.

I think I'll start calling you princess.

- I'm not a poodle, robert.

- Princess want a fruit woop?

- What, are you just gonna be,

Like, a pain in the ass to everybody?

- Ah, yeah, yeah, there you go. Pain the ass. I get it.

- That's not what I meant, huh? Come on!

- Don't act so innocent, okay?

You were the first one to find humor in my...

Discomforture.

Yeah, yeah, thanks for the laughs, funny man.

- What, so now you're gonna be mad at me now

Just 'cause you got to spend three more weeks here?

- Oh, how could I be mad at you...Princess?

- God, you are a jerk.

- How'd it go in there?

- Yeah, I stuck my fingers in his fruit loops.

- What the hell is that? Get back in there.

- No, no, no. Look, he's out of his mind.

- No, don't leave, raymond, please.

Here, have a brownie.

- One.

- Ah, a tweat for mommy's schnookums.

- Ma, tell him I'm not your lap dog.

- He's not my lap dog, robert.

- I just wan to thank everybody for being such a loving family.

I'm in there with a bull hole in me,

And you're all in here calling me jerk.

That's nice.

- Hey, if you're having such a bad time living here,

Then don't.

- Well, you don't have to finish your rehab here, man.

Just move out.

- That's right.

You're pretty much back on your big clown feet.

- My feet are proportionate to my height,

And maybe I will move out.

Would you like that, ma?

- Whatever makes you happy, dear.

- Okay, fine, I'm going right now.

- I'll be back for my personal effects tomorrow.

- Take your time.

- I'm out of here!

You got to move your car. It's blocking me.

- My pleasure! Marie, move the car.

- I don't have your keys.

- I don't have them. You're always hiding them.

- Nobody hides your keys, frank.

If you'd just put 'em on the hook where they belong.

- Don't tell me to put 'em on the hook.

I hate putting them on the hook.

- Are they in your pants upstairs?

- I don't leave my keys in my pants.

How about the time you left 'em in the front door, senile?

- How about the time you had 'em in your hands?

"where are my keys? Where are my keys?"

- All right. All right, wait. I forgot.

I had 'em.

And here's your tv guide, and here's your big spoon.

[door slams]

- I hope you're gonna boil that spoon.

[knocks at door]

- Happy birthday, robert.

We just wanted to stop-- - we?

- Come back here!

They're just kidding, you know.

Get over here.

[chuckles]

- Hi.

- Hey. What's up?

- Happy...Hello.

- Let's go inside.

- Ooh. - [gasps]

- Aah! Oh, god! What the hell's that smell?

- I left a carton of milk out the day I got gored by the bull.

Apparently, if you leave milk out for 12 weeks,

It goes bad and then explodes.

However, this is lavender bouquet.

- Can we use it to light the apartment on fire?

- Robert, do you have any more candles?

- Or an old sneaker I can bury my face in?

- Make yourselves at home.

Or not.

- I say not.

- I have my perfume.

- Uh, yeah, that's good, ma.

Now it smells like a cow died in a whorehouse.

- Okay, why don't we open a window, huh?

- Yeah. And jump out.

- Oh, is that the cake you made?

- You know, you could've made one, marie.

- The way robert's behaving?

No, he doesn't deserve one of my cakes.

This is perfect.

- Okay. You know what?

I think we all need to be

A little more understanding of robert.

That's what families are supposed to do.

Is that some of your "I'm okay, you're okay" hippy crap?

- No. It's just right.

- Peace, man.

- Oh, you're still here.

- We're not gonna leave, robert. It's your birthday!

And by the way, this is for you.

It's from all of us. Huh?

It's a gym membership.

- Okay, that's it. Let's go.

- Ray...

Wait a minute.

- Ah, pictures of beautiful people

Running and rowing and lifting weights.

- Nice, huh?

- Yeah, yeah, everybody can build up their arm muscles

Pointing and laughing at sergeant chubsy-ubsy.

- Robert, we just thought that it might help you.

- I'll tell you what, deb-- why don't you take it, huh?

You can go and exercise and lose, like, half a pound

And then officially be perfect.

[singing] perfect debra, sitting in a tree

P-e-r-f-e-c-t

- Hey, that rhymes.

- Look, robert, we were just--

- All right, listen, listen, thanks for the present.

Thanks for coming over.

Thanks for everything, everybody, okay?

You may just want to go now, because the birthday boy

Is gonna blow out the candle.

- Just for the record,

I said we should get him a strip-o-gram.

- I'm gonna talk to him.

- Oh, deb, just stop it with the understanding bit.

- It's not a bit, ray.

- You know, if debra really understood people,

She wouldn't serve that cake.

- Hey!

- Okay, robert, listen.

Stop feeling so sorry for yourself.

- I'm not feeling sorry for myself.

- Yes, you are.

Spouting off at the family and insulting everybody.

You just love playing the victim, don't you?

- Okay, thank you, debra.

You can go back to being princess fabulosa now.

- Hey, you better be nice to me, pal,

Because I'm the last person in the family

That doesn't want to climb up there

And strangle you!

- Oh, a height joke. Thank you, your majesty.

Yeah, it's very refreshing

After all the bull-in-the-ass jokes.

- You know what I think? I think you love that bull.

I think you were so happy he found you,

Because he's a two-ton excuse for your life!

That's right, you were a victim before that bull.

You've been a victim your whole life,

Because there's nothing easier

Than playing the victim, is there, robert?

- Why are you picking on me?

- See? Again.

"wah-wah-wah.

My mother doesn't pay enough attention to me.

"I broke up with my girlfriend.

"raymond has a better life than me.

Wah-wah-wah."

- I don't say, "wah-wah-wah."

- You're sounding like that right now.

- That's because I just said, "wah-wah-wah."

Listen, bad stuff happens to me, okay?

I don't imagine these things.

I'm just reporting the facts.

- The fact is, you love to suffer.

That's why you were so mad

About having to leave your parents' house.

- Are you out of your mind?

I couldn't wait to get out of there.

- Oh, really?

You don't seem so happy to be here.

- I have a milk situation.

- Admit it, robert.

You love being at your parents' house,

Because that's the holy land of self-pity.

You weren't unhappy because you had

Three more weeks to stay there.

You were unhappy because

You only had three more weeks to stay there!

- [sobbing] oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

- Robert-- - maybe you're right, debra!

- No, I'm not. I'm not right. Stop crying.

- Sure, I put on a big show

About how ma loves raymond better and dad's an ogre,

But they do take care of me!

- Okay.

- I got a place to sleep,

Laundry,

The food is unbelievable.

Her lasagna. Her pie.

Even something as simple as cream of wheat,

Which you wouldn't think would be different

From one place to another,

I don't know why, but hers is better.

- Robert, I didn't mean to suggest--

- Oh, my god.

You know, maybe I never wanted to move out of there.

What kind of a nut job am I? Nut job! Nut job!

- No, no, no, robert, you're not!

- You're right, debra. You're right.

Maybe I don't want to get better.

I must love being the victim.

Oh, my god! I'm doing it right now.

Look at me. I don't think I can stop, debra.

I don't think I'm ever gonna stop!

Help me out of this!

Please help me out of this.

- Robert, you're crushing me.

- Oh, my god!

I am a nut job!

[blubbering]

- I'm a loser. I am such a loser.

- Oh, robert, no. Come on. Robert, look. No, listen.

You're not so--

Listen, I feel sorry for myself too, sometimes.

- Not like me. I got issues.

- No, I have my moments.

- Yeah, you. Like what?

- Like, okay, for instance,

You know, I grew up in a nice, normal family.

I was used to people being a certain way.

And then I married your brother, which is great, but...

They are over every day...A lot.

"hello, dear." "holy crap." "hello, dear." "holy crap."

I mean, you know, on Friday,

Your mother was over nine times in one day.

Nine times.

And at times like that,

It's hard for me not to say, "why me?"

You know? Why me? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

- Why me? It's one of my favorites.

- You know, that's probably why I've been the only one

Who's been able to put up with you lately--

'cause we're a little bit alike.

- You think so?

- Sure.

Oh, robert. I'm sorry I yelled at you.

- No, no. I deserved it.

I'm sorry I called you perfect.

- It's okay.

Do you feel better?

- Yeah. A little dehydrated.

- Come on, let's get out of here.

- Okay.

Thanks, debra.

You're a good sister-in-law.

- Thanks.

You're a pretty good brother-in-law.

- So we really are kind of alike, aren't we?

I mean, you feel sorry for yourself too

When mom and dad bug you.

- Oh, absolutely.

- Yeah, but then, deep down,

You really kind of like it, right?

- Yes.

Yes, I do.

- Yeah.

You're sick, too.

Hey, everybody.

Just wanted to apologize for the way I've been lately.

Debra talked to me,

And I'm actually feeling better now,

So if you can all forgive me, I'm glad you came over,

And let's have some cake.

- Was that you crying in there?

- Oh, frank.

No, it's all right, robbie.

You're never too big to cry.

- Although you might be getting close

To the cutoff point.

- You know what, robbie?

You need to air this place out overnight,

And tomorrow, I'll come in and give it a good once-over.

So tonight, you'll sleep at our house,

And I don't want to hear any argument from you.

- All right, if that's what want.

- Come on, let's go home,

And we can have the cake there.

- Oh, no, no, no, dear. I have some cake at home.

Why don't we leave your cake here?

It goes so well with this apartment.

- Hurts so good, huh?