Original subtitles

- [singing out of key] me and

Mrs.

Mrs. Barone

Mrs. Barone, mrs. Barone, mrs. Barone

Don't got a thing going on

[sniffs] whoa.

- [gasps] - ah! Aah!

- Ray!

I'm in here!

- I forgot deodorant.

- Get out!

- What is that? - Out!

- You have a mustache.

- Out!

- Sorry!

Sir.

- Ray, why did you walk in on me?

- You have a mustache. - What's the matter with you?

You don't even knock?

- You have a mustache.

- You just gonna barge in on me?

- I forgot deodorant.

You have a mustache.

- It's not a mustache. It's a little peach fuzz.

- Well, how long-- how long have you--

- What? What? How long have I what, ray?

- Been sporting that?

- For as long as you've known me,

And for as long as you've known me,

I've bleached it, and it's not a mustache!

- Let me look at it.

- Would you stop? Don't examine me!

You should be apologizing to me!

- I'm sorry. Nature can be cruel.

- You just don't walk in on somebody.

You weren't even supposed to be here anymore.

- Hey, you walk in on me all the time.

- 'cause you don't close the door.

- That's 'cause I have nothing to hide.

- Trust me. You do.

You know, the bathroom was the last place

I had any privacy, and now that's gone.

- I could build you a tree house.

- I never get to be alone. Never!

You're with me, or the kids are with me,

And when the kids are gone, I'm still not alone,

'cause your parents walk in here all the time.

I mean, you get to leave, you know?

You go to work, and you're alone in your car and the office,

And I just need some time to my--

What are you smiling about?

- I'm just picturing you

Tying a young girl to the railroad tracks.

[maniacal laughter]

- I don't have a mustache!

- All right! All right! All right! Come on.

You want some time alone?

That'll stop the yelling?

- Yes, ray.

- All right, all right. Let's do it.

What do we do?

- You could go, take the kids, and do something.

- The kids? That's more yelling.

- Yes, ray, that's how I get to be alone.

You could take them to the park

For an afternoon once in a while.

- A whole afternoon?

- All right, ray, take them over to your mother's,

And she can babysit all of you.

- All right. We'll do it.

We'll do it tomorrow, okay?

But you got to promise to keep up the maintenance

On the old soup strainer.

Come on.

That's it. That's all I got.

Except groucho, something about groucho.

All right, come on.

Look at the bright side.

The mustache will distract me from the cellulite.

- Hey, ma. - Hi, dear.

- Come on. - Hello, darling.

- Can the kids watch a video over here?

- Oh, certainly. Why?

Your vcr is not working?

- No, no, it's working.

I just thought we could come over here and, you know, hang.

- Oh, how wonderful. Go on in.

Com on. Go watch your videos.

[chuckles]

Frank, the kids are here.

Buckle your pants.

Where's debra?

- Nowhere. She's home.

- Oh?

- Yeah, she just wanted some time to herself.

- Time to herself?

- Yeah. Hey, you got pudding snacks?

- What does that mean, time to herself?

- She just wants time to, I don't know,

Be alone, relax.

- Be alone without you?

- Without everybody.

- I don't like this.

- What the hell is wrong with those kids?

They're always sticky.

- Debra wants time away from raymond.

- It's an afternoon, ma. It's no big deal.

- Oh, but it is.

Raymond, dear, a marriage is about being together,

About closeness.

- [scoffs]

- She's right.

- What?

- It is about closeness,

About how much closeness you can take,

About how close you can get to killing her

Before you kill yourself.

- Well, I did it.

Around the block in 37 minutes.

- He beat your record, marie.

- What am I rushing back to?

Raymond, you need to go home

And put a stop to debra's behavior.

- Aw. - It's not right.

- Look, it's an afternoon.

It's nothing, all right?

She just wants time to be alone.

- Yeah, when I was married to joanne,

She wanted time alone.

She used it to pack up and move out.

- Raymond, whatever happens,

You and I are keeping the children.

- Oh, ma, all right, will you stop?

- Check her credit card statement.

Look for the word "u-haul."

- Look, she's probably over there

Just doing girl stuff.

- What kind of girl stuff?

- I don't know. I don't know.

Bubble bath, trying on outfits,

Walking around with a book on her head.

- Whatever helps you sleep at night, peaches.

- Hey, look, I don't care what you think, all right?

You don't have the facts.

Debra has a mustache.

- Do you mean a lover?

- No! No, no, mom!

And could you please never say the word "lover"?

I mean, she's got a--a--

A lipular forestation...

You know,

Fuzz thing, that's all.

She just needs time for that kind of

Maintenance.

- Hey, I don't want to alarm you, son,

But even if she had a big, woolly lumberjack beard,

She wouldn't need a whole afternoon.

- Raymond, there's something going on.

- All right, I don't care

What she's doing over there, all right?

I gave her some time alone, and whatever she's doing,

It's all right with me, all right?

I totally understand, so let's just drop it.

- It's eating you up alive, isn't it, kid?

- No!

No, it isn't.

- Where you going?

- I'm going outside, all right, huh?

Or do you think you're the king of where I go?

'cause you're not, okay? Nobody is.

- Very good, robbie.

- Team effort.

- [sobbing]

- Hey, robert?

- Yeah?

- What are you doing?

- Physical therapy.

What do you want?

- She--she was crying.

- What? Debra was crying?

- Yeah. - What did you do?

- I did nothing.

I just-- I looked in the window,

And she was sitting on the couch, crying.

- Well, I didn't tell you to go spy on her.

- Yeah, all right.

I already got that lecture from the mailman.

- Well, was she watching a sad movie or something?

- No. The tv wasn't even on.

What's she crying about?

- What are you asking me for? Go talk to your wife.

- I can't talk to her now.

She'll know that I was looking in the window.

- Looking in the window.

All right, so don't ask her.

Just go back over there, and see what's wrong.

You know, be a husband!

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, okay.

- She could have done so much better.

- Honey? Hello?

- Yeah, hi, ray. I'm right here.

- Oh, hi. Hi.

Hey, I'm not here. You're still alone.

- [chuckles]

- That's okay. What's up?

- Nothing.

I just came by 'cause my mom wants her big spoon back.

Yeah, you know how she is about that damn big spoon.

So I'll just-- I'm gonna get that,

And I'll be on my way, then, the spoon.

- Okay. There it is.

- Okay. - Here you go.

See you later. - Okay.

How you doing? You all right? You okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Okay. Good, good.

We're good over there too.

So you're good? You all right?

You didn't, like, stub your toe or anything?

- Stub my toe?

- Yeah, you know, it's, like--

It's, like, an expression.

I made that up.

It's like when you're in a play,

You say, "break a leg."

This is like, you know--

It's like a small--

If you were in, like, a small place--

That doesn't make sense, but that's--

That's what's--all right, let me get the big spoon back.

- Okay, see you later.

- I don't get it.

- She still crying?

- No, no.

She's fine. It was spooky.

What are you doing now?

- Clenches.

- Oh.

Will you stop working your ass for a minute?

- 98,

99,

100.

Yeah.

Let that bull try me now.

I could open a jar of pickles with this thing.

- What's going on?

I mean, why is debra crying?

- Well, obviously, she's upset,

And she doesn't want you to know.

What did you do?

- I don't know. I--

I joked around a little about the old cookie duster.

That's all.

- Yeah, well, maybe you hurt her feelings.

- No. She was a little annoyed.

It was two days ago,

And she made 100 jokes about my big nose, okay?

It's over.

- All right, other than the crying,

Has she been acting differently?

- No. No. She's been acting normal.

Oh, no.

- What?

- Acting normal.

What if the whole thing's an act?

What if the crying is real, and all the rest is an act?

You know, the whole,

"oh, you're a wonderful husband, ray.

"oh, oh, we have such a happy life, ray.

"I love you, ray. Bye, ray.

I hate ray."

- I could see that.

- Come on. No.

I mean, it makes sense.

It makes sense.

She's always complaining about me.

I fall asleep with the tv on.

I don't help out around the house.

She bought me that expensive mouthwash.

I never use it, right?

She can't take it anymore.

- Nah, that's not it.

But I don't want to lie to you.

A couple minutes with the mouthwash

Would be time well-spent.

- She thinks I'm a lousy, bad-breathed husband.

- Look, it's not like debra didn't know

What she was getting.

- Yeah, all right, but after ten years now,

She's sick of it, but she could tell me.

She could talk to me.

She tells me everything else.

Why is she sitting there crying?

- I feel for you, cubby.

- Hi, honey.

- Hi.

- Oh, hey, let me get that for you.

- That's okay. I got it.

- No, I want to put that away for you.

- What's wrong with you? - No, let me do this.

I want to help out around here.

Let me put the laundry away.

Where does it go?

- Would you just let me do it, please, okay?

What's the matter with you?

- Oh, nothing, just trying to pitch in.

That's all.

[exhaling heavily] how are you?

- What?

- [exhaling heavily] how are you?

That's nice, huh?

- Smells minty. - Yeah.

- Trying to prove to me you haven't been drinking?

- I'm sorry I've been kind of jerky the last couple years.

- Who said you were jerky?

- You don't have to say it.

I know.

- What do you mean, you know?

- Look, you don't have to hide your feelings.

I know why you cry.

- What are you talking about?

Were you watching me today?

- Look, it's okay.

- Oh, my god!

Ray, I tell you I need privacy,

So you spy on me?

- It's not spying if you love the person.

- That's what peeping toms say.

- Look, that's not the point.

You regret your life with me.

- I do not!

- Oh, don't insult me, okay? Come on.

We both know that I'm lazy.

I don't help out with the kids,

And until recently,

My breath has been questionable.

- You know, now I almost hope you've been drinking.

- Come on, look, I'm trying to make an effort here!

- Yeah?

Why don't you try not spying on me?

- If you thought I was a better husband,

I wouldn't have to spy on you.

- You are an egomaniac.

- What?

- You think everything's about you.

My crying had nothing to do with you.

You want to know why I was crying?

'cause I was in the mood.

- In the mood?

- Yeah, that's right.

I just felt like it. It's cathartic.

- All right, we have to get a dictionary for in here.

- You know that commercial where the little kid's

Making soup for his sister

And how every time it comes on, I get all choked up?

- Yeah. - Okay, I like that.

Sometimes I just like to cry.

It's like a release.

- So you saw the soup commercial this afternoon?

- No, I was just in the mood, and I made myself cry.

- Well, how do you do that?

- I take my mascara off,

And sometimes I put on a sad song,

And I make a crying face,

And it just comes out.

- What song?

- Theme from "ice castles."

- Really?

- Yes. I was having a good cry.

That's all it is.

You know, haven't you ever

Heard of, you know, somebody singing the blues?

- So all of a sudden,

You're this old blues-singing guy

With a mustache?

- See, that's why I wanted alone time today,

Because, obviously, this isn't something

I can explain to you.

- Okay, so you cry because I'm stupid.

- I eat ice cream because you're stupid.

- Look, I just don't like you crying.

- [sighs]

Ray, listen. Here, come here.

Just sit down, okay?

I just--

I don't know how I can explain this to you.

I want you to understand, but I just like doing it.

It makes me feel good.

- Okay.

- What, haven't you ever just felt like crying?

- Yeah, when something happens, you know?

When I slam my finger in a car door.

I mean, I'm a human being,

But I don't like to cry.

I don't schedule time to cry.

- Maybe you should.

Maybe that would be good for you.

- All right, I'll get my calendar

And put teardrops on Wednesday.

- Okay, ray. Okay, you know what?

I want to just give you something to think about, okay?

Just look at me.

- What? - Look at me.

Look at me!

I just want you to feel some honest emotions,

And then let's see how you do with that, all right?

Okay, the night ally was born. Remember that?

That was this really long labor,

And you were so worried about it.

And then she came, and, oh, my god,

She was just so beautiful.

And then the doctor handed her to you,

And he said,

"here's your daughter."

- [laughs]

- You are a monster!

- I'm not a monster. I'm just--

Okay, then I cried, but you're trying to--

You're trying to manufacture this thing,

And you're making that--that face.

It's just-- it's--it's funny.

- That's fine. That's fine, ray.

- It's funny. It's funny. - All right.

- I feel good, though. I do.

Maybe you should schedule time for laughing.

- Okay. - [chuckles]

- How about the time you were in the fifth grade,

And you came home,

And you found out your parents gave your dog away?

- That's not funny.

- How did that make you feel?

- Shut up. - Uh-huh.

How'd you feel about that, ray, huh?

What was your dog's name?

Shamsky number one, wasn't it?

They gave your dog away.

- [mock sobbing]

- You! - Ah!

Ah! Come on!

Hey.

If you hit me-- I'll cry if you hit me.

Come on.

What? All right, so I didn't cry.

What's the big deal?

- You know, just forget it, ray.

I mean, I'm trying to get you to understand something,

But I guess it doesn't matter.

- All right, how about this?

I got a great idea for tomorrow.

Since you like to be alone and cry

And my mom likes to be with the kids

And I happen to like golf--

- I have a better idea.

Remember how you wanted

To help me with the laundry earlier?

- Uh-oh.

- There's two more loads downstairs.

- No, honey-- honey, listen--

- And then you need to go to your folks' house

And get the kids and take them shoe shopping.

- Oh, my god! What happened?

No! Come on! We were just talking here.

- Oh, yeah. Well, I liked it.

I like that you want to be a better husband.

- Yeah, but I want to do it gradually!

Come on, how about I'll let you cry,

And I won't even look in the window.

- And keep using that mouthwash.

- Oh, come on. No.

This--this--this hasn't worked out well.

- Oh, I think it's worked out very well.

[maniacal laughter]

[somber piano music]

- Please don't let this feeling end

It's everything I am

Everything I want to be

I can see what's mine now

Finding out what's true

Since I found you

Looking through the eyes of love

Now I can take the time

I can see my

[funky soul music]

- Hey, sister

Go, sister

Soul sister

Go, sister

Hey, sister

Go, sister

Soul sister

Go, sister

He met marmalade down in old new orleans

Strutting her stuff on the street

She said, "hello, hey, joe

You want to give it a go?"

Mm-hmm

Gitchi, gitchi, ya-ya, da-da

Gitchi, gitchi, ya-ya here