All language subtitles for Amateur.Night.2016.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

(DOGS BARK AND YAP IN DISTANCE)

(CHILDREN SHOUT AND PLAY)

(NUM BERS BEEP ON KEYPAD)

(RINGING TONE)

-(BEEP! )
- MAN: Hey.

Uhh, it's Guy Carter.

I just, um. . . I just
wanted to touch base

and let you know that it was...

. .it was amazing
meeting you last week.

I felt really good about it

and, um, I hope you did too.

So, uhh, I look forward
to talking to you soon.

OK, 'bye.

(RINGING TONE)

-(BEEP! )
- GUY: Hey there!

Uhh, it's Guy Carter again.

Just wondering
if there's any news.

You said I'd hear
by Monday at the latest

and it's now Friday.

-(CHUCKLES)
-(BEEP! )

I don't mean
to keep bugging you,

but you. . .you basically
said I had the job.

-(BEEP! )
- Hey. Hi.

Um, I just. . . You know,
I was thinking.

And if it's easier for you
to text or to email,

that's totally cool.

-(BEEP! )
- Hey, it's Guy Carter.

-(BEEP! )
- It's Guy Carter again.

-(BEEP! )
- Oh, it's Guy Carter.

I don't want you
to lose out on getting me.

- I'm still at the same number.
-(BEEP! )

COM PUTERISED VOICE: Recording
has been paused due to silence.

-(BEEP! )
- GUY: OK, OK! Now I'm pissed.

How do you not call someone back
who interviewed three times

and who you said
was a shoo-in, huh?

How do you not hire someone

who you said had the best book
you'd ever seen?

- I deserve this job!
-(BEEP! )

I can only assume the reason
you're not calling me back

is because you're too busy. . .
chomping on huge dicks.

It's just a big
dick breakfast over there.

Dick omelettes
and dick pancakes.

Scrambled dick. Dick Benedict.
All you can eat dick.

Would you like another
mimosa with your dick?

There's a dick carving station.

You're just grabbing
as much dick...

No, that's OK.
I'm fine with my dick.

Your plate is filled with dick
and then your mouth is filled...

(lM lTATES GAGGING)

In fact, it's so full of dick

that I cannot pick up the phone
and make a simple...

-(PHONE LINE CLICKS)
- MAN: Guy? Rob Eckmann.

The reason I didn't call you
is because my wife's

been ploughing
my business partner.

They took over the company
and fired me.

Oh, man.

Oh, that's...

Wow. I had. . . I had no idea.

Yeah, there's a lot
you don't know. Dick.

-(CLICK)
- Rob?

Rob?

(SIGHS)

WOMAN: You alright
in here, chief?

(SIGHS) How long have you
been standing there?

Uhh, long enough
to hear the dick buffet.

Guy. . .you're making
yourself crazy.

(EXHALES)

How's the crib coming along?

It's getting there.

You know,
not assembling that thing

isn't gonna stop her
from coming out of me.

(CHUCKLES) Why would
I want to stop her?

Although, I mean, I guess
I wouldn't be totally upset

if she held off
another eight months.

That's funny.

I was thinking
if she came sooner,

like, say, before Tuesday,

we'd still have
health insurance to cover it.

What. . .what is that
supposed to mean?

Um, well, pretty much
what it sounds like.

Wait. Are you. . . You're serious.

Anne, how are you
just telling me this now?

I don't. . . You just. . .
You were so stressed out.

I didn't wanna make it worse

and then it looked like
the Resource thing was happening

so I didn't mention it.

But now I'm mentioning it.

They have to give you some sort
of, uhh, grace period, right?

- I mean. . .
- They did. It ends Tuesday.

Oh, my...

I mean, I assumed
you'd be working by now.

Yeah, well, we dropped
the ball on that one.

I'm sorry.
We? Meaning me?

You quit your job.

Because WE got pregnant.

I can't talk
about this right now.

I'm gonna make a tea.

Anne...

('60s DOO-WOP M USIC)

SONG: ♪ To be loved

♪ And to be loved forever

♪ Let's make a vow

♪ To never

♪ Ever part. . . ♪

ANNE: Here.

What is this?

I found it on craigslist.

It's the only thing
remotely realistic.

Now, if you studied
dental hygiene,

that would really
open up our options.

You want me
to be a delivery guy?

I want you to be anything
if it pays the insurance by Tuesday.

That will buy us another month.

Unless, of course,
you want me to call my parents

and ask for more money again.

- It is an option.
- No.

No, it is not an option, Anne.

I don't wanna go into labour
and find out the repo man

towed my car
out of the driveway.

There's no such thing
as the repo man.

Of course there is.

Have you ever seen a repo man,

not counting
the Emilio Estevez movie?

Guy, I'm not gonna argue

the existence of repo men
because they're real.

What do they come with,
a tow truck

or a fleet of unicorns?

My half-brother's mom Sandy
said that she had her car taken

and I believe
it was by a repo man, OK?

What? They are not...

I might throw up on you.

You're not gonna throw up on me.

A little bit.

Why don't you go lie down
and I will bring you something, OK?

-(GROANS)
- Go. Go lay down.

I'll bring you something.

ANNE: They're real.

Here you go.
For your tummy.

Sorry for being such a baby.

- I know you're frustrated.
- Huh.

Ugh. . . It's just so stupid.

I'm supposed to have
my ducks in a row by now.

Maybe it's OK to not
have your ducks in a row.

No, it's not OK.
Ducks have to be in a row.

Have you ever seen ducks?
They're sort of crazy.

They like to run around
and do shit...

No, I don't. . . Not my ducks.

My ducks are different
than your ducks.

Mine are not running
around and crazy.

They have an objective,
they have a plan.

They. . .they wanna
get somewhere in life.

And they're, like,
walking in a line,

otherwise known as a row.

Honey, ow!

Then call the number.

(SIGHS)

-(RINGING TONE)
-(CLEARS THROAT)

- MAN: Word up!
- Oh, hey.

Um, I am, uhh,
calling about your ad.

- You got a car?
- Yes.

- Does it run?
- Yes.

Meet me at Fatburger
in West Hollywood.

Um. . . OK.

Oh, question -

this might be
a little premature,

but, uhh, are there benefits?

Plenty! (CHUCKLES)

P-L-E-N-T-Y, my man.

(LINE CLICKS)

(UPBEAT ROCK M USIC)

(DOORBELL DINGS)

(MAN CHUCKLES IN DISTANCE)

(MAN CHATTERS lNDISTINCTLY)

MAN: Yeah. Mm-hm.
What did he do?

Mm? Mm.

Scraping a guardrail doesn't
necessarily mean he was wasted.

Oh. . . You got me there.

OK, yeah, no.

I will tell him, "No more
shootin' up in the car."

But fret not.

I got a buddy
that will drive you.

Mm-hm, about six foot.

Serious, clean, like a cop.

No, he's not a real cop.

I can promise you
he will not hit on you.

How do I know?
'Cause. . .he's gay.

Gay as fuck. Real gay.

No, he got a sweet ride.
A Volvo.

Yeah, yeah. No...

Don't get pissy with me.
I'm trying to hook you up! Sit.

OK, 'bye.

You O negative?

GUY: No, I'm...

I'm not talking to you. Uh-huh.

Right. Are you O negative?

- No, I'm. . .
- I'm not talkin' to you.

Hold up. Alright,
I love you too. 'Bye.

- You the one that just called?
- Yeah, I'm Guy.

I'm Zoley. Congratulations.
You're hired.

OK.

Uhh. . . Well, what am
I gonna be driving?

Pizzas? Dry cleaning? What?

Girls. And the first one's
named Nikki.

Huh. Uhh...

You didn't mention that
in your ad.

It's all above board, man.

You're not doin'
anything illegal.

You're just drivin' a car,
pickin' up and droppin' off.

Easy as cake.

What are the benefits?

Well, you play your cards right,

there could be all
kinds of benefits.

You know what I'm sayin'?
(CHUCKLES)

Guy, you about this life
or what?

No, no, no, no. Yes.

I'm. . . I'm about this life.

OK, alright. Mm-hm. OK, sweet.

Here's where she's at.

Oh, whoa. Now?
You want me to start now?

Right now, yes. Nikki is waiting
and Nikki do not like to wait.

(UPBEAT ROCK M USIC)

Hi. I'm Guy.

Guy with the sweet ride Guy?

That'd be me.

Call me Nikki,
Nikki Winters.

And next time
don't be late.

(GRUNTS)

So where are we going?

Bel-Air.

COM PUTERISED VOICE:
Please proceed

to the highlighted route.

You want music?

Smooth jazz is good.

Not what I would've guessed.

NIKKl: My life is hectic enough.

I don't need my music to be.

(SMOOTH JAZZ M USIC
PLAYS ON RADIO)

(CAR HORN BLARES)

You realise we're still late.

Yeah, well, I got a ticket
going through a yellow.

So now I just stop.

So about this client, I've been
with him before. He's a doctor.

It's pretty basic -
just walk me to the door

and let him know
you'll be outside in the car.

I thought the job was just
dropping off and picking up.

The job is being my driver.
That's a ride and protection.

You carry a weapon?

Me? A weapon?

No, I do not carry a weapon.

What about karate?
You know karate?

I have zero skills
in the lethal arts.

I'm an architect.
I know how to draw.

Never mind. I got my own
protection right here.

Great. I'll let you handle
that part of the operation.

And what about you?
How did you get into this line of work?

Well, it's not exactly
an everyday job.

Well, that depends
where you spend every day.

I grew up in the Valley.

Every girl I know did a porno

by the time she was 18
or at least a stripping gig.

- But you're still doing it.
- Yeah, 'cause I'm good at it.

I don't get
what the big deal is.

Nobody asks a carpenter
why they became a carpenter.

Fair enough.

(FUNKY M USIC)

(BIRDS CHIRP)

Hello, stranger.

It's been too long.

- My driver.
- Great house.

Paul Williams?
Paul Williams, right?

He was kind of a pioneer of
the California Regency movement.

Really great designer.

Designed a lot in the '50s,

which is when
it looks this house is from.

And black, incidentally,
which doesn't really...

Sorry. Do I care about anything
you're saying right now?

NIKKl: No, you don't.

Don't you have somewhere to go?

Yes. He does.
He'll be in the car.

- Right, Guy?
- Right. Of course.

I'll. . .be in the car.

See you in an hour.

(ROCK M USIC)

SONG: ♪ I've been wasting
all my time working. . . ♪

Fuck this.

(RINGING TONE ON PHONE)

ANNE ON SPEAKER: Baby?

So guess what.
I'm not driving pizzas.

What are you driving?

- Hookers.
- Shut up.

I'm serious. I picked up
this lady called Nikki Winters.

- You're fibbing me.
- I fib you not.

You know that's not
her real name, right?

- No way!
- Oh, my God.

What was she like?
Was she hot?

Did she have an amazing body?

Did she look like Julia Roberts
in 'Pretty Woman'?

No. This was not a happy hooker.
This lady was mean.

Mean? Well, can you blame her?

I guess not.

So where is she now?

At some doctor's house.

And you're just sitting out
in the driveway or something?

- No, I left.
- What do you mean, you left?

You just ditched her?

Babe, this guy,
he totally insulted me.

So I told him his house
was a Paul Williams

and he looked at me
like I was an idiot.

I mean, hello, I have a master's
in architecture from Yale.

I think I know
what I'm talking about.

Guy, what if something
happens to her?

- Like what?
- I don't know. Was he creepy?

He hired a hooker to come
to his mansion in the daytime.

- Of course he was creepy.
- Plus he's, like, a doctor.

They're the worst
kind of psychos.

He's her regular.
I'm sure it's fine.

ANNE: You don't know that.
You have to go back.

Anne, you. . .you're crazy
talking. I'm almost home!

If something happens,
you will never forgive yourself.

- Go back now.
- Anne...

This is someone's daughter
we're talking about.

(SIGHS)

Ugh!

-(BRAKES SQUEAK)
- Oh, sorry!

-(HORN HONKS)
- GUY: OK, I see you.

-(HORNS BLARE)
-l. . . Alright!

One sec. I just gotta U-turn.

MAN: Man, move it!

MAN 2: Jesus!

(FUNKY HIP-HOP M USIC)

(SIGHS)

-(PHONE TRILLS)
- Oh.

Word up!

ON PHONE: Hey, uh, it's Guy.

Yeah, you with Nikki?

She's in a house with a client,

said she'd be out, like,
20 minutes ago, and she's not.

Nikki's never late.

Hey, hold on. I'll try her cell.

(HUMS CHEERFULLY)

(EXHALES)

ZOLEY: She's not pickin' up.

Damn, that's all I need,
is another Nikki problem.

She's, like,
50% of my business.

I lose her,
then I'm out on the street!

- Spoken like a true pimp.
- Spoken like a true white boy!

There are no more pimps.
Pimps got killed by craigslist.

I'm a dispatcher.

I work for Nikki,
not the other way around.

She needs a ride, she calls me.

If you screw this up
then she's not gonna call me.

- OK, so what do I do?
- Let me think. Let me think.

- You got a gun?
- What? No.

Why does everyone keep
asking if I have a gun?

Calm down, alright?
It's an honest question.

- You know karate?
- I'm an architect.

- Architects can know karate!
- Well, I don't.

You gonna have to go in, man.

Pretend you're not wearing
a pink shirt and go in.

(LINE CLICKS)

Fuck.

(RATTLING)

Hyah! Hah!

(GRUNTS)

Huh! Shit.

-(CAN H lSSES)
- Psst! (COUGHS)

(GATE RATTLES)

(GRUNTS)

Oh, shit.

(DOOR CREAKS)

(M USIC PLAYS FAINTLY
IN DISTANCE)

-(WOMAN GROANS)
- MAN : That's right.

That's it. Go ahead, go ahead.
Struggle all you want.

('LN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN
KING' BY GRIEG PLAYS)

- WOMAN : Mmm!
-(MAN GIGGLES)

(WOMAN GROANS AND WHIM PERS)

MAN : You're not
getting out of this, honey.

You're never
getting out of this.

-(MUSIC BU lLDS)
- MAN: Helpless right now, huh?

Pretty vulnerable?

Oh, there we go. That's tight.

Ooh, not too tight.

Mn-mn. Mn-mn.

Shh!

Mn-mn! Mn-mn!

Huh?

(SCREAMS AND MOANS)

- Ohh!
- GUY: Oh, shit!

Oh, Oh!
Shit, shit, shit. Shit.

OK, here we go, here we go.
I'm here. I'm sorry.

What the fuck
is wrong with you?!

What do you mean?
He was. . .torturing you. l...

- It was role-play, you dumb-ass!
- What?

I was teaching him
how to tie bondage knots!

He pays me extra
if I let him wear the dog mask.

Or at least he was gonna.

- Just untie me, OK?
- Uhh. . . Jesus. How? How do...

Oh, my God. Is this guy
a fucking Eagle Scout?

Hold on. I took
sailing camp one summer.

I think this is. . .
What do you call this knot?

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Sorry. I'm try...

OK, hold on. It's like
a spaghetti factory.

I don't even know
where to begin.

- Under.
- Under what?

- Under, over.
- Under. Under, over.

- Under, over. Yeah, yeah.
- Pretty simple.

I think I got it. I think. . .
Got it, got it, got it, got it!

Is that good? Is that good?
OK, OK. Phew! Yes!

Yeah, that's it.

I knew it, I knew it!

- Idiot!
- Ow!

-(MAN MOANS)
- GUY: Shit.

N lKKl: Here.
Put this in the case.

Jesus. What the hell
is wrong with you people?

Um. . . Hey, does this
go a certain way?

Now, look,
I still gotta get paid,

but I'm gonna
give you half price.

-(MOANS LOWLY)
- Oh, and good work today.

GUY: What the. . . Ow! Fuck!

- Guy, come on.
- Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Got it. Got it. Got it.

- NIKKl: Guy, come on!
- Fucking got it.

Sonofa...

NIKKl: I can't
fucking believe this.

(TYRES SQUEAL)

What. . .
You think this was my fault?

- Well, whose fault was it?
- You said an hour!

He was stuck on the Bachmann hitch.
It's a really hard knot.

The rabbit has to go
around the tree three times

before he goes down the hole.

You know what - if I'm gonna
be late I usually text,

but you said you were
sticking to the driving

and I was handling
the protection,

which there was no need for
until you decided there was.

I cannot believe
that this is my life right now.

We committed a crime, Nikki.
An actual crime, OK?

I broke and entered.
I assaulted.

What if he's dead?
What if he is dead?

What if I just
murdered a doctor?

Don't flatter yourself.
It's a bump on the head at best.

- What if he calls the cops?
- Trust me.

The doc is not gonna
tell anyone about this.

And besides him,
I'm the only one

that knows about
your retarded heroics.

Suffice to say, I'm not paying
your percentage on that stop.

- My percentage?
- You get 20% of the take.

What take?

Everything we make,
you get 20% of.

- How do you not know this?
- I don't know.

I guess everything
happened so fast,

I forgot to ask about the money.

Never forget
to ask about the money.

Well, how much exactly
are we talking about?

It's a Saturday night -
a couple of stops,

plus the two girls we're picking
up for the bachelor party,

all in, you could walk away
with a grand, maybe two.

Two. . .two thousand dollars?
Two thousand dollars?

Just to be clear,
I'm not doing you any favours.

You're gonna have to earn it.

(UPBEAT FUNK M USIC)

NIKKl: Grab my bag.

-(PUNK ROCK M USIC PLAYS)
- Ladies, shake a leg!

Hey, make yourself at home,
why don't you?

I always do.
Where's Jaxi?

Gettin' dolled up.

- Who's he?
- Hi, I'm Guy. I'm new.

Nikk, what the eff?

(DOG WHINES)

Most people do that
in the shower.

I'm not most people.

This is a huge night.
We can't be breaking in a new dude.

Zip it, OK?
He's got a sweet ride. A Volvo.

(WOM EN SCOFF)

- This him?
- NIKKl: Uh-huh.

Hi. I'm Guy.

He don't look like no driver.

Look, we have a party
at the penthouse at the Teal.

- We need a guy who's on point.
- He's up for it, OK?

And to prove it. . .
he's gonna wash the hardware.

- WOMAN: Ohh!
-(LAUGHS)

NIKKl: Right, Guy?

- JAXl: Oh, shit!
- What...

Oh, that'll be fun.
They've been cooking.

- GUY: Is that. . .
- JAXl: Scrub-a-dub-dub.

- GUY: Ohh. . .
- WOMAN: It's leaking. (LAUGHS)

- Yeah.
- You're kidding, right?

- The den mother don't kid.
- WOMAN : No.

- WOMAN: Go, go!
- Get it done, son.

- OK.
- WOMAN: Chop, chop.

- Mine's the purple one!
- Have fun.

- It's dirty.
- JAXl: Ooh-ooh!

Eugh!

Oh...

Oh, God!

Ugh! Oh...

(GAGS)

(GRUNTS)

(DILDO SQUEAKS)

Ugh. . . (EXHALES)

Ohh. . . (GROANS)

Eugh! What the. . .?

(PHONE RINGS)

Ohh...

- GUY: Hon.
- Baby, why didn't you call me?

What happened with the lady
and the doctor?

No, she's. . .she's fine.

I picked her up and now we're
at this house in the Valley

with two other girls...

- Wait. Two other hookers?
- It looks that way, yeah.

ANNE: So you're with
three hookers now?

- Yes.
- Uh-huh.

It's just you and three hookers
at a house in the Valley?

Uhh, yeah, but I'm about
to drive them to a party

where there'll
be a bunch of guys.

(SCOFFS) Is that. . .is that
supposed to make me feel better?

What do you want me to say?

You're the reason
I'm here at all.

Remember, "Somebody's daughter"?

Yeah, well, it seems like
everybody's safe and sound now.

A few hours ago, you wanted me

to do anything
to keep our insurance.

Well, baby, a few hours ago,
there weren't half a dozen

silicone tits
staring you in the face.

That's not quite what's staring
me in the face right now.

-(KNOCK AT DOOR)
- You still alive in there?

WOMAN: You're just supposed
to be washing those.

NIKKl: Go give yourself CPR.
We'll be tardy to the party.

- GUY: OK. Alright.
-(DOOR THUDS)

Babe, I have to go, OK?
Um, I gotta clean the hardware.

I'll talk to you in a little
bit. I love you, OK? 'Bye.

Hardware?

GUY: OK! Good to go.

- You missed a spot.
- What?

L. . . No. I scrubbed
with antibacterial.

On your face.

- WOMAN : Ooh!
- JAXl: That's nasty.

Oh, God. Eugh! Oh, get it off.

Is there a. . . Can l...

Come here.

Don't be such a wuss.
It's just lube.

- Eugh!
- OK, let's go.

- WOM EN: 'Bye, Nicky Hilton!
-(DOG BARKS)

- JAXl: I call shotgun.
- No, bitch, I got shotgun.

'Bye, Nicky Hilton.

(UPBEAT FUNK M USIC)

(FUNK M USIC CONTINUES)

♪ Let us entertain you. . . ♪

JAXl: Whoo-hoo!

- Breath mints, anyone?
- Uh-uh, uh-uh.

- Put that shit away.
- What is your problem?

I'm not doin' another party with
you about to be poppin' those.

And why the hell not?

Last time you ate my pussy,
you had one in your mouth.

- I was numb for a week.
-(LAUGHS) Numb, but minty fresh.

Bitch, I am always minty fresh.
Act like you fucking...

Hey, our driver doesn't
wanna hear your gory details.

- JAXl: Whatever.
- Oh, no, don't mind me.

- We won't.
-(CHUCKLES)

Mmm...

Oh, that...

That's, um...

That's an open container
right there.

Yeah, it sure is. How else
do you get the liquid out, huh?

Uhh, well, I don't really think

that's a good idea
to have in the car, right?

I mean, lots of cops.

What is with this guy? (LAUGHS)

Tell me he's not for real.
Please tell me.

I'm sorry, but do you want us

to buckle our seatbelts
back here too, grandpa?

-'Cause we can.
- You know what? Go easy on him.

He's sensitive, I mean,
being a gay and all.

- Ohh!
- Oh, you like boys?

- Oh, my God. that's so cute!
- It's all good.

We've never had
a homo driver before.

No wonder he took so long
washing the dildos.

- Ohh!
- Ooh, she got your number!

-(LAUGHS)
- Hah!

- We're open-minded.
- Yeah, always.

WOMAN: Oww!

SONG: ♪ This is
rock'n'roll, yall

♪ Let's do this thing

♪ There's a modern-day teacher

♪ There's a modern-day babe

♪ You're so good, I could eat ya

♪ You're so good, you're a rave

♪ Looking good in black leather

♪ Looking good in high heels

♪ Really good to meet you, babe

♪ Now tell me
what's the real deal

♪ Hello, Mrs Vain

♪ Step out from the rain

♪ Take you to a higher plain

♪ Gonna worship
in your name. . . ♪

-(KNOCK AT DOOR)
-(HIP-HOP M USIC PLAYS)

Oh, yeah, my brothers!

The ladies are in the house!

(M EN CHEER)

- Yo, you the pimp?
- Uhh...

You don't gotta front, bro.
I know what's up. Got that Gat?

You're the third person to
ask me that tonight and l...

You know what?
You don't wanna know, actually.

MAN: Oh-ho! I bet
he knows karate.

What's up, bro?
I'm Dan, the Best Man.

- Hey, Best Man Dan.
- I think we spoke on the phone.

All the stuff in the rider
is in the room,

including the Tabasco.

- Cool. Let us get ready.
- Um...

JAXl: Hey, boys.

I need these guys to have
the night of their lives.

I went all out and got them
custom hats and everything.

Um, in terms of extras after
the show, how does that work?

Uhh. . . Look. You know what?

We can discuss that, I'm sure.

Awesome, dude. Awesome.

- Cool.
- Just say the word.

- OK.
-(ALL CHEER)

MAN : Everyone,
take your dicks out!

Whoa, whoa! Guy?

Guy fucking Carter?
In the flesh!

Yah! What the fuck?

- Devon.
- Yeah, man.

Wow. How long has
it been there, hustler?

Uhh, l. . . I guess,
like, grad school.

Oh, wow. That is,
like, a lifetime ago.

You. . .you heard I made partner
at Pivot Point?

- No. Wow. That. . .
- Yeah.

You made partner?
Wow. That's. . . Congratulations.

- That's amazing.
- It's rad.

Me of all people
designing cell phones?

And here's the secret
about it, man.

You just keep
making 'em thinner

and they keep making
my pockets fatter.

What about you, man? How's it
shaking with old Guy Carter?

Oh you know, um, it's good.

Yeah, man. It's good.
I am, uhh, solid.

- Oh, uhh. . .
- JAXl: Hey, driver.

- WOMAN : Hey.
- NIKKl: Guy, get in here.

Pour yourself a drink.

It sucks when
the civilians spot you.

JAXl: That never used to happen.

Now I can't even
go to a grocery store

without some jackhole being all,
"Weren't you in such and such?"

Used to be if you took
a really nasty job...

Like when you did
'Black Cock Down'?

WOMAN : And you did
'Weapons of Ass Destruction'?

You know, the only way
someone would see it

was if they went
to an equally nasty video store,

paid actual money,
watched it in a VCR,

returned it and never
gave it another thought.

Not only is everything
fucking free now,

they watch it over
and over and over...

You guys done with
the grass-is-greener shit?

We gotta bring Guy up to speed.

You ready for your
15 minutes, Big Daddy?

Oh, I'm not sure I follow.

They think you're a pimp, right?

I thought there were
no more pimps,

you know, 'cause of craigslist.

There aren't, but those fools
out there don't know that.

So run with it.
Act like you're Willie Dynamite.

Been beating chicks down
for years.

That way, they feel sorry for us
and they tip harder.

- JAXl: That's right.
- How many ones you got?

- Uhh, a hundred.
- Here's what we're gonna do.

Sell 'em, collect 'em again,
sell 'em again.

If they're not sticky
by night's end,

you didn't turn 'em
around enough.

And collect the panties
'cause they'll steal 'em.

- That shit's costly.
- Amen.

The most important thing -
learn your script.

What? I have to read this?

NIKKl: You have to perform it.
You're a pimp, remember?

Come on, you gotta
bring out that big boss,

Mack daddy, fur-coat-wearin'

motherfucker
that I know is in you.

- WOMAN : Yeah.
- JAXl: Bring it out, boo-boo.

- OK, no.
- WOMAN: What?

- JAXl: No?
- No, no, no, no. I, uhh...

- JAXl: Excuse me?
- I can't do this.

- WOMAN: Are you kidding?
- I can't do this.

- JAXl: Oh, God.
- WOMAN: Nikki?

There are people out there
that l. . . I'm sorry.

L. . . I thought I was gonna

be delivering pizzas
tonight, honestly.

I mean, I'm in way
over my head here.

L. . . This...

I understand, Guy.

WOMAN: What?

- You. . .you do?
- Mm-hm.

Yeah, 'cause it's. . . Thank you.

We get it.

Thank you. Because this. . .
It's just. . .it's not me.

But you know what?
I'll pay for your cab.

- I mean, it's only fair.
- NIKKl: We got it, Guy.

Just one thing, though.
You know, you got a long drive.

You might wanna visit
the little boys' room first.

Smart thinking.

I do kinda have to go.
So excuse me.

JAXl: Huh! Mn-mn-mn.

Who said, "Don't break a guy in
on a Saturday night"?

Who said it?

Get your gear on
and shut your faces.

-(SIGHS)
-(DOOR RATTLES)

Oh, sorry. It. . .it's all yours.

I'm not here for the bathroom.

So you going home
to your boyfriend?

- Huh?
- Well, you're still gay, right?

Oh, uhh, yeah. Yeah, I am.

I'm gay. See?
Pink shirt. I'm gay.

- Huh. . .
- Hmm.

So...

. .you don't like it
when I do this?

Um. . .
Not. . .not really.

- Or this?
-(ZIPPER BUZZES)

Nope.

Or this?

Um. . . Ohh!

(CAM ERA CLICKS)

Homos don't pop boners
when girls touch them.

You know who does?
Husbands.

Uhh...

Look, can I have my phone,
please? Please?

- Is this your boyfriend?
-(SIGHS)

That is Anne.
That is. . .that is my wife.

I wonder what Anne
would think of this.

Let's see. Contacts.
Anne Carter.

- Attaching file.
- OK, Nikki? Nikki?

Please. Please.

She is 37 weeks pregnant.
She's very fragile right now.

She will not
understand this, OK?

- Not in a million years.
- I'm sure she wouldn't.

I wouldn't. I mean,
nobody likes a cheater.

OK, please.
Anne will leave me.

She will leave me, OK?

You don't understand
the stress that we are under.

- Both of us out of work and. . .
- Oh, cry me a river, Volvo Guy.

Yeah, things sound
really desperate

with you turning your back
on an easy grand.

Look, l. . . I told you.
I can't do this job, OK?

It's too much for me.

Everything's just...

It's too much for me.

I got two words for you, mister.

Buck the hell up.

Now I'm gonna keep hold of this
and you're gonna learn these

and you're gonna get
your non-gay-ass into that room

and you're gonna
do your job, OK?

-(WOMAN HUMS)
-(DOOR OPENS)

-(MEN CHANT)
- He was uncool with it.

Now he's cool with it.

Ahh! Let's go, let's go.
Let's go.

(M EN CHANT) Bring them out!
Bring them out!

Bring them out!
Bring them out!

- Bring 'em out!
-(M EN CHEER AND CLAP)

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Alright.

- Shit.
- MAN: That shirt is so pink!

- Hi.
-(M lC FEEDBACK SQUEALS)

- MAN: Hi.
- Hello. Hi.

- You suck.
- Um, OK.

- GUY: OK.
- MAN: Sit down.

- Come on, get on with it.
- You want me to bring the ladies out?

- Yes.
- We gotta learn a few basic rules.

- M EN: Boo!
- Bullshit.

-(MEN JEER)
- MAN: Fuckin' rules, yeah.

First and foremost,
no kissing the ladies on the mouth.

- Huh?
- They don't like it.

(M EN BOO AND HISS)

- Sorry, it's. . .
- MAN: Can I kiss you?

That's what it says.

- Second. . .second rule.
- Take off your top!

No fingers in any holes.

-(M EN BOO)
- GUY: That's a deal breaker.

That also goes for
remote controls,

uh, Cheez Doodles,

action figures...

(GUY WHISPERS) Action figures?

MAN: ls my dick
an action figure?

Anything other than a sanctioned
toy goes in the holes,

show's over.

(M EN JEER)

One last thing.

You want a hot show,
you're gonna have to tip.

- MAN: I'll show you my tip.
- MAN 2: Bitch, please.

I will be selling ones
all night, alright?

- So, anyone?
- MEN : Yeah!

(M EN CHEER AND CHATTER)

MAN: Fuck, yeah!

GUY: Put your hands together
for the owner and founder

of Bad Gurls party services,

Miss Nikki Winters and
her BFFs Jaxi and Fallon!

-(ROCK GUITAR M USIC PLAYS)
-(MEN CHEER)

Take it off.

-(M EN CHEER)
- Yeah!

- Come on!
- Work it!

(M EN CHEER)

(ROCK GUITAR M USIC CONTINUES)

-(LAUGHS)
- Oh, yeah!

Ooh, yeah. Ooh!

Oh, shit.

MAN : Work that.
Shake it out right!

Ooh!

Ohhh!

(M EN CHANT)

(WOMAN SQUEALS)

Good work, Guy.
You get your phone back.

Thanks.

-(ROCK M USIC CONTINUES)
- You like that, Daddy?

Hold on, darlin'.
There you go. Mm-hm.

- JAXl: Mm-hm.
- Yeah!

NIKKl: I'll take that.

Hey, Hey!
Hey, bullshit on that shit!

- M EN: Oooh!
- Hey!

Your chick just lifted
all my ones!

Now, that. . .that is
fuckin' unacceptable.

Is this how you run
your business, bro?

- No, no, no, no.
- No, no, no!

- I'm sorry. I'll get
your ones back. -Yeah.

Watch and learn.

Oh! Yeah! Oh! Ah!

(ROCK M USIC CONTINUES)

(M EN CHANT)

JAXl: Make it rain, baby!

Yeah, Daddy!

-(PHONE RINGS)
- JAXl: You like that?

- JAXl: Give me more.
- Hello?

- JAXl: I'll keep giving
you more. -Anne. l...

Hold on, hold on.

- Oh!
- Man! Oh!

(M EN CALL OUT)

Hon? Everything OK?

(M UFFLED ROCK M USIC
AND YELLING)

What? Wait. Now?

That's impossible.
You're still three weeks away.

This is what marriage
is gonna feel like.

-(WHIP STRIKES)
- Ahhh!

(WHIP STRIKES)

Holy Christ. OK.

Well, um, uh,
w-what should we do?

What do you want me to do?

OK, I'll be there.

Ow!

-(M EN YELL)
- Ow!

- Hey, it really hurts.
- It's supposed to.

Nikki, Nikki, Nikki,
I gotta talk to you.

I'm kind of in the middle
of something.

It's an emergency.
Please?

Go to town.

MAN: His ass is bleeding, dude!

It actually really hurts.

NIKKl: What's the problem?

I gotta go.

Haven't we been through
this already tonight?

This is different.
I'm having a family crisis.

Yeah, well, you leave,
I'm having a financial crisis, OK?

- Party games are next.
You really wanna miss the fun? -No.

We're gonna put liquorice
up our pussies

and they're gonna
eat it out.

Then we pour tequila in our pussies
and they drink it out.

Then we put whipped cream
in our pussies and they lick...

I get it, I get it.
Lots of stuff going into the...

- FALLON: That's what we do.
-. .pussies.

I need you here to cut the deals,
keep supplies coming.

Tequila, candy, whipped cream...

Nikki, my wife just called.
She's having the baby.

- Are you fucking with me?
JAXl: Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

- I wish I were.
- Fine. Go have your damn infant.

Just don't expect to get paid.

- JAXl: You didn't do shit.
- I don't. It's. . . I don't. Um...

'Bye, loser.

JAXl: I thought he was gay.

(CAR REVS)

-(GENTLE ELECTRONIC M USIC)
-(SIGHS HEAVILY)

(SIGHS) Breathe, breathe.

GUY: Sorry.

Hi. Uh, Maternity?

Sorry.

Hi.

What's. . .what's happening?

Baby, this is Dr Siegel.
This is my husband, Guy.

Hi. Is it coming out?

Uh, it is, but not today.

He says I'm not even dilated.

But. . . OK.
But what about the pain?

Well, your wife was
experiencing false labour

which is not uncommon
during a first pregnancy.

Could be brought on
by anything, really -

dehydration, stress.

We started a saline drip just
to kind of settle things down.

I'm already feeling better.

Oh, thank God. Oh!

Oh, thank God. (LAUGHS)

I cannot have this kid yet.

(LAUGHS) Well, she is coming out
sooner or later.

I'm gonna go make a note
in your chart.

I'll be back in a bit
to take that drip out.

ANNE: Thank you.

You know, it really hurts
my feelings

when you say things like that.

Oh...

I don't mean to upset you.
I'm just...

I'm just being honest.
I'm not ready.

What if I just suck
at being a dad?

Really.

What if I'm a bad provider,
financially and emotionally?

I mean, think about it, Annie.

We are bringing an actual human,
a real human life,

into this world.

She's gonna be a person.

And everything that she is
and is going to be

depends upon us.

What made us think
we can do that?

What if we're not up to the job?

I just spent two hours
with three women

whose parents clearly
did something wrong

because there is no way
that a well-adjusted person

would stick liquorice rope
up their...

Liquorice rope?
I love liquorice rope.

Yeah, me too.
I was. . . We were just...

Just saying
how I wish I had some.

Well, I can't help you there,
but you're lucky

you got a doctor
with a sweet tooth.

Would you care for
a Fruit Burst?

Oh, no, thank you.

ANNE: Baby,
what if you're right?

What if she hates us?

Why wouldn't she?
I mean, I hate my parents.

- You do not hate your parents.
- Well, I do.

I mean, I don't totally
love my parents.

I wouldn't choose to hang out
with them.

What if she feels about me
the way that I feel about my mom?

Oh, my God.

I mean, like, I'd kill myself.

Sign here and here.
And pay that much now.

And then mail this form in
to the insurance

to get your reimbursement.

If we still have insurance
by then.

Oh, man.

That's about how much
Nikki said I'd make tonight.

- With the hookers?
- Yeah.

There was a lot of money
flying around.

But I'm done.

Thank you.

- Come on.
- Thank you.

Let's get you home and into bed.

You should probably
come with me.

No, I don't want to leave
my car here. I'll drive.

- Are you sure.
- I'll meet you there. Yeah.

- I love you.
- I love you.

Alright, I'll meet you at home.
OK.

(SIGHS)

Ma'am, is there a water fountain
around here?

Right around the corner,
to the right.

Thank you.

(WATER FOUNTAIN GROANS)

(lNDISTINCT P.A. ANNOUNCEM ENT)

('lN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN
KING' BY EDVARD GRIEG)

You?

You. (LAUGHS)

('lN THE HALL OF THE
MOUNTAIN KING' CONTINUES)

- Doctor?
- Yeah?

- Dr Kurtz?
- Yes.

- Is he. . .? The. . . -No.
- Is that a patient?

- Hey! Uh, code grey! -Code grey?
- Code grey!

Oh, shit.

(GROANS)

WOMAN OVER P.A. :
Dr Grey, Dr Grey. North wing.

Dr Grey, Dr Grey.
North wing.

(GUY PANTS)

('lN THE HALL OF THE
MOUNTAIN KING' CONTINUES)

(DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN)

-(DOOR CLOSES)
-(FOOTSTEPS)

WOMAN OVER P.A. :
Dr Grey, Dr Grey. North wing.

- Dr Grey, Dr Grey. North wing.
-(SIGHS)

- Oh, jeez.
- Shh! Shush!

OK.

I just filled this syringe with
1 . 1 millilitres of Anectine -

enough to paralyse you
for several hours.

It's a very disagreeable
experience.

So what do you say
we go look up Nikki, huh?

- OK.
- Yeah.

Come on.

(EASY-LISTENING M USIC PLAYS
ON RADIO)

What are you planning on doing
to her?

I don't know yet.

You really are starting to
sound like a creepy doctor,

you know that?

Yeah, you know what?
Just keep driving.

What happened wasn't her fault,
OK? It was mine.

L. . . I'm new to this.

I thought she was
being tortured.

- Well, I pay extra for that.
- Yeah, well, I know that now.

But I think you can appreciate
the misunderstanding.

I mean, if you heard
what I heard,

it sounded pretty extreme.

You know, obviously,
you have issues.

Maybe you should
consider therapy.

Or, you know, you might want to
rethink the missionary position.

It still works, you know?

Rather well,
as a matter of fact.

And it leaves a lot less room
for confusion.

Yeah, shut the fuck up.

You know, I don't think
you realise how lucky you are.

I mean, you are a doctor.

You're getting to do

what I imagine
you've always wanted to do

and getting paid for it.

Do you know how rare that is?

Most people work
their whole lives

and never get that chance.

You go in there half-cocked,
you are throwing it all away.

Your medical licence? Gone.

- And for what?
-(M EN CHANT)

(M EN CHANT) Go, go, go, go!

Another thing, Doctor,
I googled your house.

It is a Paul Williams. 1953.

You know, preservation boards
go, uh. . .go crazy for him,

you know, because he was black

working in
an all-white hierarchy.

- You could get landmark status.
- Are you fucking kidding me?!

- What?
- GUY: Nikki.

- Shit.
-(M EN EXCLAIM)

GUY: Nikki, don't move. Just...

Doctor, please don't.

Listen to me, think about it.
Think about all of it, OK?

You get landmark status.

Which. . .which, on your house,

I mean, that means no. . .
no. . .no property taxes!

That's huge cash savings.

-(PUNCHES)
-(M EN GROAN)

Ohhh! Oh!

- Holy shit. -Why the fuck
did you bring him here?

What? l...

Did you not just see. . .?
He kidnapped me!

-(MOANS)
-(M EN GROAN)

Dr-fucking-Strangelove,

he. . .he works at our hospital.

He was, like, hell-bent on
getting revenge or something.

NIKKl: I guess
he's shit outta luck.

GUY: Yeah, it looks that way.

- I hope to fuck he's not dead.
- Huh? No.

He's just paralysed
for a couple of hours.

It's. . .it's a. . .thing.

It's Aneck. . . Whatever.

Awesome. So what's the deal
with your baby?

False alarm.

Well, since you're here,
you want your old job back?

('FREAKY'
BY KANARY DIAMONDS PLAYS)

-(MOANS) -MAN: Alright.
Come on, Doc. I got you.

- Look what the cat dragged in.
- Hey!

Now the party's gonna
get really crazy!

Pull up a bottle, 'driver'.
We're in the home stretch.

Oh, hey, can you, uh,
hook that for me, love?

Oh, yep.

That's not one of the
regular KISS guys, is it?

No, it's Eric Carr.
He's the best.

He replaced Peter Criss
on the drums.

- GUY: Huh. Good to know.
- Yeah, he's a fox.

How can you tell?
He's got paint over his face.

No, I mean, literally,
he's a fox.

Like, that's his character.

Her mom slept with him once.

That's Fallon's
big claim to fame.

She could have been
the KISS drummer's daughter.

OK, this is it.

The big finale.

We're lookin' to get five bills.

It's up to you.

At this point, there's pretty much
nothing that'll shock me.

Except this.

We're looking to get
every single motherfuckin' dollar.

FALLON : Yeah!
Work it down to the bone.

-(WOM EN SQUEAL)
- I'm ticklish.

Balls out.

MAN: This guy?

- OK. Alright, everybody. . .
-(M EN CALL OUT)

OK. Alright, alright.

(MOANS)

- Boing!
- Listen...

This is the moment
you have all been waiting for.

(M EN HOLLER)

It's time for
the girl-on-girl. . .on-girl

sex show.

-(MOANS)
-(M EN HOOT AND HOLLER)

Now, now, listen, this. . .
this is one hot, sick show.

- Everything you see is real.
- MAN: Bullshit!

I'm serious.
Everything. 100%.

None of it is fake. No, no, no.
Listen, listen, listen.

(M EN HOLLER)

Alright, alright. Stop it!

- You want proof?
- MAN : Bullshit.

Our girl Fallon,
oh, she's gonna prove it.

There's no way to fake
what she's about to do.

- OK, it is the real deal.
-(M EN CALL OUT)

Now I don't wanna ruin
the surprise,

but suffice to say...

. .you might not wanna sit
too close.

- M EN: Ohhhh!
-(OTHERS LAUGH)

Now, I need to see the money.

Help me out,
'cause I can't...

We can't go forward
without the money!

So what do you say?
How about some money?

(M EN CHEER AND CALL OUT)

You guys are very smart,
'cause you just bought yourself

a memory that you will
never, ever forget.

- Ohh!
- Boom!

(GRITTY DANCE M USIC PLAYS)

(M EN HOOT AND HOLLER
CONTINUOUSLY)

(GRITTY M USIC CONTINUES)

(GRITTY M USIC CONTINUES)

(PHONE RINGS)

ANNE: Where'd you go?
I thought you were right behind me.

- I got sidelined.
- By what?

It's a long story.

Try not to be mad,
but, um, I'm back at the hotel.

Now you've got me thinking
about this baby.

What if I hate her?
What if she's ugly?

What if she has one of

those giant raspberry birthmarks
on her face

and I can't bond with her

because I can't even
look at her?

What if I hate her
because she's beautiful,

more beautiful than I am?

And I get super-jealous of her
and resentful and competitive

because she has six-pack abs...

NIKKl: Guy, come on.

. .While I bust my ass
at CrossFit every week

and still have this weird
inner tube around my waist?

Oh, my God, Guy!

Guy, I feel the postpartum
already setting in!

Does California have a law

where you can drop a baby
at a fire station?

Babe, babe, babe, babe.
You're spinning.

I know! That's why I need you
to come home right now!

The. . .the party,
it isn't over yet.

We need to clean up
and get these girls home.

Look, just try to relax, OK?

Try to lay down. Lay down.
Make some chamomile tea.

- And just calm. . .
- I can't calm down!

- You know why?
-(FALLON MOANS)

Because I don't have a me to
calm me down like I do for you!

The one time I need a me,
you're not here!

-(FALLON MOANS)
- Babe? Babe?

FALLON: Oh, yeah! Mmm!

(MOANS CONTINUOUSLY)

(HIP-HOP M USIC PLAYS)

(FALLON MOANS CONTINUOUSLY)

FALLON: Oh, yeah!

-(M EN CHANT) Go, go, go, go!
-(MOANS CONTINUOUSLY)

M EN: Oh!

Oh, my God!
That is so wrong!

MAN: Bro...

MAN 2: She's dripping.

Go clean yourself off.

What is that stuff?

Nobody knows.
But you should clean it off.

(GIGGLES)

MAN: I think I'm in love.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, shit.

(GENTLE ELECTRONIC M USIC)

We got robbed.

Robbed?

As in, someone came in here
and snaked all our cash.

- Wait, are you sure?
- This was full. Now it's not.

Who would do something
like that?

One of those limp-dick
fuck boys.

You guys killed yourselves
for that money!

I wouldn't go that far,
but, yeah, it took some effort.

Hold on, wait.
Maybe. . .maybe...

Maybe it, like,
just fell out or something.

It didn't.

Well, we should at least

look around for it,
don't you think?

I agree.

Let's look for it.

- Motherfuckers.
- Somebody's about to get fucked up.

-(DOOR OPENS)
- It's not under here.

Where. . .? Ladies?

(M EN CHATTER)

Hey, party's goin' great, man.

- That show was a mind fuck.
- Yeah, sure was.

We gotta talk about that thing
we were talkin' about. Extras?

Oh, yeah, that's not happening
right now.

What the fuck?
You said we'd get extras.

You gave me your word.

We got robbed, motherfucker.

Now, either you make up
the difference

or we don't let anybody
out of here.

You're high.

None of these guys would rob you.
They're all agents.

Suit yourselves.

Ladies, lock the doors.

This is ridiculous.
I'm calling security.

No, you ain't.

Uh-oh.
Shit just got real.

Wha. . . Uh, Nikki, whoa. Nikki!
Nikki, you never mentioned guns.

- I thought we were gonna talk.
-(MAN SHRIEKS)

We ARE gonna talk.
This helps them listen.

OK, people.
We got a situation here.

One of you boners
stole my money.

Now, nobody is leaving
this fucking hotel

until I get it back.

I want all of you cunts
on the carpet.

- Now!
-(M EN EXCLAIM FEARFULLY)

JAXl: Yeah, who's taking
their dicks out now, bitch?

He gets a pass.

You can take whatever I got.
Take my wallet. Take anything.

I don't want your wallet, prick.

I want my money.
The money I earned.

FALLON: The money WE earned.

- Guy, check 'em.
- Check 'em.

-(MEN GIBBER)
- JAXl: Aren't you two cosy?

Fucking guys spooning.

- FALLON: This one's clean.
- JAXl: This guy's clean.

(GIBBERS) I don't even know
these people.

NIKKl: Check these guys.

- JAXl: Clean. Move!
- Clean here.

- FALLON: Ooh, library card.
- JAXl: Clean.

- FALLON: Munch some carpet.
- I touched his penis.

Sorry. Clean.

- JAXl: Clean.
- Check his pants.

- Help!
- Congratulations, dude.

- Thank you.
- Sorry. Clean.

What about him?

Hey, man, you don't have
to worry about me.

- I mean, you know I'm cool.
- JAXl: Clean.

FALLON: Clean.

JAXl: Clean.

Hey, man.
I got laid off six months ago.

I had to do it.
I'll split it with you.

NIKKl: I know one of you boners
stole this shit!

Come on, man. Help out a bro.

It's this one.

- You dick.
- We got a runner.

- NIKKl: Get him!
-(FALLON TRILLS)

- N lKKl: Get him!
-(ENERGETIC ROCK M USIC)

- SONG: ♪ Here we go. . . ♪
-(PANTS)

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

- Ow!
- Move your pink ass, Guy.

- Elevator's not coming, bitch!
- DEVON : Fuck.

FALLON: Get over here, fucker!

-♪ She's looking good. . . ♪
- Stop right there.

- Whoa.
-♪ From head to. . . ♪

- JAXl: Please jump.
- Hey, man. (CHUCKLES)

- JAXl: Make my fucking night.
- Oh.

I was messin' with you guys.
I was totally gonna give it back.

You idiot.

It's right here. Every cent.

- Frisk his ass.
- That's just. . . Wait. Hey.

JAXl: Homeboy is doughy as fuck.

- FALLON: Oh, lookee here.
- I forgot about that. Sorry.

OK, well, I told you,
I was gonna give it back.

- I was just bustin' your. . .
- Turn around.

- And get on your knees.
- What?

On your knees, fuck-tard.

JAXl: You like to
play games, right?

- What are you gonna do? Guy?
- Someone's gonna get fucked up.

Please, please, don't let them
hurt me, please. I am so sorry!

I am so, so, so, so sorry!

- Please don't hurt me.
- GUY: Nikki, Nikki. Hey, listen.

Ladies, piss on this fucker.

- What?!
- JAXl: Hell yeah!

Nikki. Hold on, Nikki,
that's just plain gross.

You cannot pee-pee on me.
Guy, please.

Please, please, don't let them
do this to me!

Honey, my bladder's about to burst.
(UNDOES ZIPPER)

NIKKl: Do you wanna go first,
or should I?

You filthy bitches!

No, don't, don't, don't!
Seriously, stop.

-(WOMEN SIGH)
- GUY: Yeah, pee on him.

-(DEVON GRUNTS)
- FALLON: Oh, that's good.

- DEVON: Oh, God, stop. No!
-(BEER TINKLES)

- JAXl: Rainbow kiss.
-(DEVON GROANS)

It's in my mouth! Argh!

Fallon, what the fuck
are you doing?

- You said pee on him.
- NIKKl: And he's blindfolded.

You know? Like, he can't tell
the difference.

- Well, I really had to go.
- Ooh, you nasty, filthy bitches!

Wait. Why does she get to
pee on him and I don't?

(ZIPPER ZIPS)

FALLON: Give it back to me,
mother-fucker.

JAXl: Bitch.

- NIKKl: Smells like asparagus.
- FALLON : It's the paleo diet.

Hey, man.

Good thing she didn't have to
poop, huh?

What?

(SIREN WAILS)

-(SIREN FADES)
-(CLEARS THROAT)

Having fun yet?

Is this what
every Saturday night is like?

Pretty much.

How do you survive?

Smooth jazz helps.

I think I might need
something stronger.

Smooth metal.

Why are you such a stress case?

Oh, I don't know.

Um, because I'm about
to have a kid

and I don't have a career.

Your kid doesn't need you
to have a career.

Really? What does she need?

For you to basically do
what you've been doing tonight

with us.

(LAUGHS) OK,
I think you and I have

very different philosophies
on how to raise kids.

I don't know.

No, I think it boils down
to a ride and protection.

Sure, you can throw in
washing their stuff

and picking up after them

which, incidentally,
you also did tonight.

But. . .but, mostly,

kids just need a ride
and protection.

It doesn't matter if you drive
a Porsche or a Pontiac.

As long as the kid knows that
you're gonna be there on time

and they're gonna be safe,
it's a job done.

We both know you can do that.

You can do that like a champ.

Now, look. Now.

Before we clear out of the room,
do an idiot check.

Come on.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, ladies, hold up.
(BREATHES HEAVILY)

I've got something of yours.

Oh, my God.
These are my favourites.

Someone was supposed
to collect all the panties.

MAN : They were
right under the couch.

I'm just glad I was able
to get 'em back to you.

Well, thanks.

Um...

It really was a dynamite show.

And I'd also like
to say I'm really sorry

for what happened back there.

You know, some guys,
they just don't say a lot

for the male gender,
now, do they?

Yeah, well, if it wasn't
for the male gender,

we wouldn't have jobs, so...

That is true, which leads me
to my next point.

Now, I know you said
you guys were done.

- Here we go.
- Dude, go home.

Bust a load off in your sink.

I got two hundy
burnin' a hole in my pocket.

And my truck is right
in the corner.

So, uh, what do you say?

- What the hell.
- Awesome.

This will just take
a few seconds. No offence.

- Come on.
- Ah, some taken.

- But yeah. Shall we?
-(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)

My cousin made over a million
bucks selling vitamins.

- FALLON: Maybe coke vitamins.
- JAXl: No, bitch.

Real fucking vitamins.

- Nuh-uh.
- Yeah-huh.

FALLON: OK, that was
so black-ish of you.

Bitch, I am black. Stop playing
with me like that, Fallon.

So is she just gonna, like, go
all the way with that guy?

- Right over there?
- What are you, 12?

- I'm just sayin'.
- Oh, he's worried.

You worried about her, pops?

Well, when you actually think
about it, it is worrisome.

JAXl: OK, here's what they don't
teach you when you buy a ticket.

Pros do the absolute minimum.

That means we dance a little,
talk dirty.

- Finger ourselves.
- Yeah, maybe a hand job.

If he can get it up, which,
more than likely, he can't.

Exactly - these guys are
so full of vodka and whatnot,

it's mostly babysitting.

That's why they call it a trick.

Professionals, rarely, if ever,
give up the cookie.

No fucking way.

Oh, my God, this cannot be
fucking happening.

- What? What's not happening?
- The guy from the party.

- He's busting Nikki.
- He's a fucking cop.

- We gotta get out of here.
- FALLON: Yeah. Guy, drive!

OK. What about Nikki?

Nikki's going to jail right now
which is not where we're goin'.

So you need to drive
this fucking car

before I do it for you.

- We can't leave.
- Why, 'cause of Nikki?

- Fucking drive the car!
- Come the fuck on.

FALLON: Let's go!

- JAXl: What the fuck?
- FALLON: What are you doin'?

- What the fuck? What the fuck?
- FALLON: Come on, dude.

- JAXl: What the fuck?
- FALLON: Why are you stopping?

- JAXl: What are you doing?
- FALLON : Keep going!

- Drive forward! What the fuck?
- FALLON : Move forward.

Press the fucking pedal!

(TYRES SCREECH)

JAXl AND FALLON: Shit! Shit!
Come on. Come on.

- MAN: Whoa! Whoa, hey!
-(N lKKl GROANS)

- Go! Go! Go!
-(TYRES SCREECH)

Hey!

- Whoo!
-(WOM EN SQUEAL)

What the fuck!

Argh! Fuck!

We did not just do that!

- What the fuck, 'Tokyo Drift'?
- I don't see him in the back.

N lKKl: That's because
there's nobody behind us.

-'Tokyo Drift', you did it!
-(WOMEN GIGGLE)

(SMASH! )

(GUY GROANS)

- NIKKl: Oh, fuck!
- JAXl: Oh.

Oh, fuck.

Ah. Are you. . . ls everyone OK?

- Not really.
- Are you. . . What?

- Are. . . (STAMM ERS)
- We're fucked.

Oh, fuck. Oh, my God, you guys.
Jail fucking sucks.

JAXl: But on a Saturday night,
jail sucks donkey dick.

Hold on. Stop it.

We're not. . .
No-one's going to jail.

- JAXl: Unless you can fly. . .
- Let's go.

- FALLON: What? What?
- Come on, come on. Let's go!

(SIRENS APPROACH)

Alright. Guys, come on.

NIKKl: Even if you leave
the car,

they're still gonna arrest you
at home.

But they're not gonna
arrest you. Come on! Come on!

- N lKKl: This way.
- FALLON: Down the alley.

- Go! Go!
-(TYRES SCREECH)

(SIRENS WAIL LOUDLY)

-(SIRENS STOPS)
- JAXl: In here!

MAN : Adam 12 to dispatch
of the 29th alleyway of 3rd and 4th,

requesting additional units,
over.

Let's head 'em off at Temple.
Let's move, let's move.

-(lNDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
-(CARS DRIVE OFF)

(SIRENS START WAILING)

Come on!

FALLON: Hey, wait for
the white people.

(ENERGETIC FUNK M USIC)

JAXl: Oh, watch out
for that thing.

-(HELICOPTER WHIRRS OVERHEAD)
-(SIRENS CONTINUE WAILING)

Hey, hey, hey!

(BUS PULLS UP)

(BRAKES SQUEAK,
DOORS HISS AND OPEN)

(SIREN WAILS AND PASSES)

(WOM EN SIGH)

(NIKKl GIGGLES) We lost 'em.

JAXl: Who are the baddest
bitches on the planet?

We are!
Nobody's fucking with us!

You know I would hug you
right now if I had arms.

I guess I got
a little carried away, huh?

Just a teeny tiny.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, do you have a bobby pin?

- Oh. Sparkly or regular?
- Fallon!

- Jeez.
- Give it here.

Wake your ass up, ho.

NIKKl: Huh? Oh.

This is my souvenir.

Ah. Wait. Aren't you
forgetting something?

Oh, yeah. My money.

For such a bad night,
it was actually pretty good.

And we have Guy
to thank for this.

You rocked harder
than Eric Carr.

The Fox.

You're a stand-up guy, Guy.

Hey, you too. Well...

-I get it.
- GUY: Yeah.

Alright, I gotta get this one
to bed.

FALLON: 'Bye, guys.

Guy, you can drive me anytime.

As soon as I get out of jail.

FALLON: Ahh, hold me.

(DOG BARKS)

JAXl: You're taking the dog out.

Ah, can you wait for a bit?

It'll just be a sec.
I have to take her bags up.

Well, actually,
it might be more than a sec.

I wanna show you something.

After all you've done,
you deserve a reward.

(DOOR OPENS)

-(DOOR CLOSES)
- Can I get you a drink?

Ahh. No, thank you, I'm good.

I'll be right back.

(RUSTLING)

GUY: Wow.

This is, uh,
an impressive amount

of teapots you have here.

NIKKl: Thanks. Yeah, I've been
collecting 'em forever.

They're mostly vintage.

I'm really into the animal ones.

I've gotten some
sick deals on eBay.

(ZIPPER ZIPS)

You see that elephant one

with the pink flower?

Guess how much I paid for that.

Uh, $15?

99 cents. Plus shipping.

You can't beat that
with a stick.

Wow. No, that is a sick deal.

Wow, yeah.

Your, um, your place

is. . .is very tastefully done.

(TURNS ON SULTRY
CHILL-OUT M USIC)

I'm glad you're noticing
these things.

It's good, considering
why I brought you here.

I want to show you something.

Something...

. .very personal.

It's mine, that land.

The only thing it's missing

is a house.

A tasteful house.

You realise, um,

building a house from the ground up
is incredibly expensive.

I mean, it could be hundreds
of thousands of dollars.

Guy, what do you know about me?

Not much.

What's one thing you do know?

You like money?

And do you think
I spend it or save it?

(CLEARS THROAT) Save it?

And if I've been saving
for 11 years,

how much do you think I have?

A lot.

Try a fuck of a lot.

So when can I see
those drawings?

Next week. Definitely.

I expect a friends and family
discount.

Oh. Yeah, without a doubt.

And let me give you
my lawyer's details.

Have your wife call as soon as
the police arrest you.

Tell her Patricia referred you.

That's your real name?
Patricia?

Patricia Cornbluth.

Now beat it.
I need my beauty sleep.

Thank you.

Patricia. . .Cornbluth.

NIKKl: Oh, and, Guy?

When you come back
with those drawings,

these will be waiting for you.

(HALF-LAUGHS) I can't wait.

(POP ROCK M USIC)

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

Hmmm. You came back.

Anne, um, I am so sorry

that, uh, I got us
into this mess.

But, um, Nikki,
she has this lawyer

who will handle
the entire thing,

and she might not charge us,
you know, as a favour to Nikki.

And I think. . .
I think if I just...

if I go peacefully,

then maybe they won't come down
too hard on me, you know?

What are you talking about?

Weren't. . .weren't they here?

- The police?
- No.

Did they call?

No, Guy, no police
have come or called.

What the hell is going on?

Maybe I dreamt the whole thing.

Are you in some kind of trouble?

Maybe not.

(EXHALES)

I'm glad you're back.

I didn't think
you were coming back

after my mini meltdown.

You're allowed to have
a meltdown.

Of course I was coming back.

How else was I gonna be able
to give you this?

Ahh!

What did you have to do
to get all this?

- You don't wanna know.
- Actually, I do.

OK.

I'll tell you everything.

Because. . .because the police

are probably going to come here

and take me away.

- So, um. . .
- What?

But I want you
to know that, um...

. . I don't care anymore

about ducks being in a row.

I don't.

Ducks be damned.

As long as I have you
and our daughter...

. .ducks can go fuck themselves.

I don't think that
would be a good idea.

Then there'd just be more
to take care of.

Is that. . .is that a siren?

No.

That is the John Lennon mobile
I attached to the crib.

I assembled it myself
and a few other things.

(UPLIFTING M USIC)

(SNAPS)

(GROWLS PLAYFULLY)

(SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE)

isn't this that Volvo
we were lookin' for?

It is that Volvo
we were lookin' for.

Mother-fucker's, like,
behind on six payments.

(LAUGHS)

Let's go repo that shit, man.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

('l'LL FIND A WAY' BY ROYAL RIZOW
FEAT. TY REYNOLDS)

SONG: ♪ Oooh, oooh

-♪ Oooh
-♪ Yeah, yea-yeah

♪ When I woke up this morning
Fresh from my dream

♪ Took a shower, got dressed,
got fresh on the scene

♪ Money on my mind
'cause I want nice things

♪ I continue my growth
Don't defer my dreams

♪ To some it'd seem
ain't made it too far

♪ 'Cause all they ever judge
is the price of a car

♪ What I got to spend?
What I drink at the bar

♪ And jewels on the wrist
only get you so far

♪ So I ain't gonna trip, man
Never gonna let up

♪ Just like boxing
Gotta keep my head up

♪ Mind under siege
Try not to get fed up

♪ Gotta go hard
I gotta go harder

♪ A little strapped for cash,
man, well, we can barter

♪ They died overseas
just to become a martyr

♪ I wanna live life
just to be a great father

♪ And do it all again but
some would say, "Why bother"?

♪ So I ain't got time
for ya negative forces

♪ Forget about my face, man
I ain't gotta prove it

♪ Mind on my money
so I gotta keep it movin'

♪ I'll find a way so we. . .
How's he do it?

♪ I'll find a way
to make a way

♪ For a better day

♪ There's no need to worry

♪ I'll fly away

♪ I'll find a way

♪ I'll fly away

♪ I'll fly aw-a-a-a-y

♪ Hello, did they know
I was on my way?

♪ Success on my mind
Gotta live for today

♪ Down on my knees
To the Lord, I pray

♪ Stay chasin' my dreams
Just to live a better day, ay!

♪ Ain't gonna lie, man
Times I wanna give up

♪ But long as I try, man
I'm never gonna give up

♪ Straight to the top
This life I'm gonna live up

♪ Oh, my crack
Success is like a mirror

♪ if you can't see it
then you're never gonna get it

♪ Dressed to impress
You gotta stay fitted

♪ Look 'em in the eyes
Tell 'em they need to quit it

♪ if we ain't on the same page
You can't roll wit' it

♪ Not a soul in this world, man,
can tell me different

♪ I play with persistence
Trained to go the distance

♪ Give it all you got, man,
and never look back

♪ I was born a great man
and that's a known fact

♪ I'll find a way
to make a way

♪ For a better day

♪ There's no need to worry

♪ I'll fly away

♪ I'll find a way

♪ I'll fly away

♪ I'll fly aw-a-a-a-y

♪ I've turned a page today

-♪ Blue sky's no longer grey
-♪ That's right

♪ A little breeze under my wings
help me out the gutter

-♪ So I can fly away
-♪ Yo!

♪ Ain't going back
to the nest no more

♪ Spread my wings
To the top, I go

♪ Success in our work
This is all I know

♪ I'll find a way
so we all just...

♪ I'll find a way
to make a way

♪ For a better day

♪ There's no need to worry

♪ I'll fly away

♪ I'll find a way

♪ I'll fly away

♪ I'll fly aw-a-a-a-y

♪ Yeah

♪ Ooooh, ah, ah, oooh

♪ Oh, hey, yeah

♪ Hey

♪ Yeah

♪ Ohhh ohhh ohhh

♪ Ohhh ohhh ohhh ohh-ohh, yeah

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Oh oh-oh oh-oh oh

♪ I'll find a way

♪ Yeah. ♪

(HIP-HOP M USIC)

SONG: ♪ Check it
Holler, holler, holler

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on

♪ Gotta make
that dollar, dollar, dollar

♪ Yeah, yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh

♪ Holler, holler, holler

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Gotta make
that dollar, dollar, dollar. . . ♪