All language subtitles for Guns.Girls.and.Gambling.2012.1080p.BluRay.x265-LAMA

(Snoring)

(Creaking)

(Bird squawking)

(Brake squealing)

Be right back.

(Groans)

(Breathing deeply)

"The angels, not half
so happy in heaven

"went envying her and me

"that was the reason as all men
know, in this kingdom by the sea

"that the wind came out
of a cloud by night

"chilling and killing
my Annabel Lee"

what?

Wrong answer.

(Guns firing)

(Bugle playing)

John: The white man
versus the Indians.

That's what we all
learned in school,

but that's not
entirely accurate.

(Screeching)

It was actually the white man
versus the Indians, versus the Indians.

You see, when the Europeans
first came to the new world,

the Indians viewed them
as just another tribe.

One to trade with, fight with, or
ally with against other Indians.

But the Europeans
brought with them something

that the Indians had never seen
before and had no defense against.

And I'm not talking about
guns and disease and facial hair,

though that was true, too.

No, I'm talking about greed,

and soon, the Indian tribes
were being backstabbed,

and treaties were being broken,

and whole peoples were being
slaughtered and moved onto reservations,

land that was completely
barren and worthless.

And that was supposed to be
the end of the story,

except for the fact that the Europeans
forgot that greed is contagious

and the Indian tribes, along with
smallpox and whooping cough,

had caught it

and learned to wield it against their
conquerors, which is where I come in.

Victim number 299, 458, 327.

There I am now.
Not a bad-looking guy.

No. Maybe that's not
the best place to start.

There we go. Much better.

There I was at an Indian gaming
casino, just passing through.

I was like an old west
gunfighter coming into town

looking to right past
wrongs and make a fortune.

Except of course,
I didn't have a gun

or know the first thing
aboutfighfing.

So I played the slots instead,

before realizing I needed
to try my luck elsewhere.

Name, address, phone number.

You want my social, too?

Sign here.

Good luck, sir.

John: There was an Elvis
impersonation contest,

usually only a Vegas thing.

So on a whim, I joined.

(Soft rock song playing)

John: I did okay. Not
enough to win or anything,

but okay enough to grab the
attention of a beautiful lady at the bar.

John Smith lied
to chief powhatan

about why he came to the
new world in the first place.

That's why pocahontas
had to save him.

Uh-uh. She was in love.
Shewasll.

I'm not11.

No, you're not.

Buy me another drink? Mmm.

John: She seemed
really interested in me

and I was pretty sure I
knew where this was going.

(Bed squeaking)

(Both moaning)

John: Unfortunately, life doesn't
always go the way you think it will.

As it turns out, she was more
interested in what was in my wallet...

It was nice meeting you.

Than what was in my pants.

Which is ironic, considering I
don't keep my money in my wallet.

Thank you.

So instead of a night
of crazy, wild sex,

I ended up playing poker with a
bunch of elvises from the contest.

And not the Texas hold 'em
bullshit you see on TV

where everyone now thinks
they are an expert.

No, no. I'm talking
about good old-fashioned,

back room, cigar smoking,
five-card draw.

Oh, you're going down this time.

I like to go down.

Yeah. I bet you do.

But I'm more worried
about the midget.

It's not "midget," asshole.
It's "little person."

Oh, that's much better.

"Midget" is offensive,
but "little person" is okay.

Who decides these things?

Screw you, bitch!
Are you in or not, huh?

Well, last week my
girlfriend of three years

decided to play doctor
with her doctor,

kicked me out of the house
and stole my dog.

Oh! That is just rude.

She said, "history will
be written without me."

What's that mean?
John: I have no idea.

So I just got my car,
came down here,

got dissed by some chick
at the bar,

lost at slots
and had my wallet stolen.

So, hell, yes, boys. I am in.

Read 'em and weep.
Aces and sixes.

Ha! Unlucky in love,
unlucky in cards, bitch.

Three deuces.

Little person, little hand.

Read 'em and weep, boys.
Straight to the 10.

Yeah! (G roans)

I don't think so.

Hail to the queen, baby.

Yeah, well, this is
a game of elvises,

and we're gonna
hail to the king.

(Men groaning)

First you win the contest,
now you're taking all our money.

You know something we don't?

Yeah. How to play cards.

I thought Elvis was
strictly a Vegas thing.

I mean, what's the deal here.

Yeah, but the chief, he
has a thing for Mr. Presley.

Chief? Who's the chief?

The chief, head of the
tribe, owner of the casino.

He worships the king
almost as much as he does

his ancient apache warrior mask.

This is our hotel!
We're all kings here.

We're vips.
Access to everything.

You didn't stand a chance
in that contest.

Thank you very much.

So are we gonna play some more
cards or is Mr. Miyagi still mad?

(In Chinese accent) He
might chop-chop our heads.

(Men laughing)

Oh, I get it. I get it. 'Cause
I'm Asian, I must be Japanese.

I must do karate. It's really
clever. You got another one?

Yeah. Your driving, it sucks.

Even though flying monkeys
scare the hell out of me,

I don't give you a hard time
about the wizard of oz, do I?

Ooh.

And if whitey, the klan member,
wants to bomb abortion clinics,

I don't try to stop him.

I mean, being molested by a
priest can really screw a kid up.

What about you?

If I bend over, are you
gonna fantasize about my ass?

You're going to "queer eye"
my apartment?

I wouldn't have a problem if you
did 'cause that's the kind of guy I am.

What are you looking at?

What are you? Some kind
of generic European hybrid?

Look, my wallet and ID
got stolen. That's my story.

Now we took your money.
This is just terrible.

John: I now had no girl,
no ID, and no money.

But overall, the elvises seemed
to be a pretty good bunch of guys.

(Alarm blaring)

(Groaning)

John: But of course,
looks can be deceiving.

(Door opens)

Crap. What!

(Men grunting)

John: Guys! Guys!
Guys, take it easy!

Come on, guys, I know I do a really bad
Elvis, but this is a little extreme, huh?

And here we are again.
No use stalling anymore.

Hey, wait!

Wait, I thought native
Americans are supposed to be

peace-loving, philosophy-spouting
protectors of nature!

That's a blatant stereotype.

The apaches are the most
fearsome warriors

the world has ever seen.

(Grunting) Wait! Wait!

Where's the mask?

What mask?

(Coughs)

The ancient apache
warrior mask that you stole.

I didn't steal anything!

Who is he?

He doesn't have any ID on him.

My ID was stolen last night!
My wallet, my ID, everything!

You should really do something
about the security in this place.

You got these two...
(Exclaims) All right!

Smith. John Smith.
Don't hit me again!

John Smith!

Mr. Smith,

an Elvis impersonator just stole
the chief's sacred warrior mask.

You guys saw my performance.

I'm the worst Elvis
impersonator who ever lived!

Where would I be
hiding it? My pants?

The white man has
stolen this mask before

and the tribe has suffered
many hardships because of it.

Mr. Crow: It almost took
a century to recover it.

Before it was learned
that the white man

had once again broken his
word and invaded sacred ground.

(Gunshot)

But this time, the chief
and his men were victorious.

And only then did glory and
prosperity return to our people.

That's a really great story

and I know how it feels
to lose something valuable.

(Elevator bell dings)
I sympathize.

I give you guys all my
support in the world in finding it.

Now, if you'll just uncuff me and get
me out of here, you can go look for it!

$1 million.

That's the price.

I want that mask back here
by tomorrow night.

Mr. Crow: Word's gonna get out.

Call the Indian.

Who's the Indian?

Hear that?

Your friends are in for it now.

(Groaning)

Looks like we're
hunting elvises.

It seems as though
the contest winner

wrote down his address
on his entry form.

(Scoffs) Who'd be that stupid?

Name, address, phone number.

Sign here.

All right, I'll stop talking!

What about him?

Well, he's
an Elvis impersonator.

There's only one way to be safe.

Kill him.

And besides,

native Americans can do
without another John Smith.

Come on! No, no, no, no!
Take it easy.

Guys! Guys, come on. Really!
You don't have to do this.

I'm nothing! I'm nobody!
Ask my ex-girlfriend!

That's why we can do this.

Think the rancher
is responsible?

He's always responsible.
Who's the rancher?

The guy who hired you
to steal the mask.

Nobody hired me. Remember?

The guy who hired the guy
who stole the mask.

In the past, when the government
wanted to screw the tribe,

it was always over money,

and almost always, that money
went straight into the rancher's pocket.

And he hates native Americans.

But you guys are so friendly.

Oh, god! Hey, hey, look!
I can scream!

What's college boy gonna do?

Crush beer cans on our heads?

Which one's yours? Uh...

(Mocking) Uh...

(Car lock beeps)

Thatone.

That piece of crap?

Buy American. Come on,
you guys are native Americans.

I thought you'd be proud.

What are you doing?

I'm copying down this
Elvis' address just in case.

Come on, you think the
guy who stole the mask

put his real address down
on an entry form?

Get in. Where?

(Groans) Redfoot: The trunk.

Announcer on radio:
You're in tune with kzre,

where we play you the
best of yesterday and today.

(Country music playing on radio)

John: I awoke not knowing
where I was,

which was probably a good thing.

(John grunting)

(Groans)

(Gasping)

Come on!

Okay.

(Panting)

(Flies buzzing)

Looks like Elvis
gets to live another day.

You really think
the guy who stole the mask

wrote his real address down
on an entry form?

Let's hope.

Announcer on pa: May
I have your attention please?

This is an announcement for train 135
with service to San Antonio, Baton Rouge...

This train has been delayed
for approximately one hour.

Fuck.

Please remain at the station
for further notices.

All passengers, report...

(Exhales)

(Door opens)

(Footsteps approaching)

(Gasps)

"Once upon a midnight dreary
while I pondered weak and weary

"there came a tapping gently
rapping on my chamber door"

little lady, you better
get the hell out of here

before I pull out
the big gun on you.

(Chuckles)

Baby, your gun
doesn't work on me.

Now where is the mask?

I don't have it.

Wrong answer.

Huh.

He was telling the truth.

Oh, well...

All right, Elvis. Let's see if
this is where you really live.

(Panting)

I'm ready for you.

Hello?

You really did put your
address down on an entry form.

You certainly won't be
winning any thieving contests.

None of you will be.

If I were an ancient apache warrior
mask, where would I be hiding?

I know.

The couch.

(Groaning)

(Knocking on door)

Girl: Hello? Is anybody
home? Who are you?

I'm the girl next door.

Of course, you are.

Can I come in?
No. No, no, no. Go away.

That's not very
neighborly of you.

That's 'cause
I'm not your neighbor.

I've never been in here before.

Neat lamp.

Come on, a cute girl comes in here
and wants to make small talk with you,

and you tell her to leave?
What are you, gay or something?

No, I'm not gay.

It's okay if you are. It's cool.

I'm old enough to be your...
Your really cool uncle.

No, you're right.

You could be my father. It could
have been an accident, you know.

Unplanned, high school,
maybe after prom.

What? What are you even
doing here anyway?

Oh, sugar. I need a cup.
Do you have any?

Seriously?

No, it's not the '503. Hell,
maybe you are too old for me.

See you around, uncle.

Hey, if you need anything,
I'm right next door.

(Exhales)

(Girl screams)

Give me the mask.

I don't have it.

Give me the mask or I kill
your next door neighbor.

She's not my neighbor.
I don't even live here.

Ow! That hurt!

(Groans)

So that's how it feels.

Nice punch. Nice bite.

(Footsteps approaching)

I'm only gonna ask you once.

Where's the mask?

Who are you?

I'm the cowboy.

That was obvious.

And I can shoot the whiskers
off your chin from 50 yards.

That would be pretty weird.

Don't you think the cop behind you
might have something to say about that?

Look behind you? I can't
believe he actually fell for it.

Okay, which one's your
car? I don't have a car.

What do you mean you don't
have a car? How do you get around?

I don't know. Thankfully,
I have a cool uncle.

How did you get here? I walked.

Yeah. You walked?

From where?

Somewhere between here
and the Indian reservation.

What? Even the settlers
use horses.

Trust me. If I'd had a
horse, I would have used it.

Hey, I've seen that
guy before at the casino.

(Gunshot) (Bothgasp)

Wait!

What the hell is going on?

We're running for our lives!

Is there any particular reason
why cowboys are trying to kill you?

And Indians.

Cowboys and Indians
are trying to kill you.

What's the deal with this mask?

It's an ancient
apache warrior mask.

A what? It's a long story.

Give me the abridged version.

Unlucky in love,
unlucky in cards, bitch.

Straight to the 10.

Hail to the queen.

We're gonna hail to the king.

Where's the mask?

(Groans)

It's a long story.

Give me the abridged version.

And here we are. Wow.

You should probably call the sheriff
and tell him what the hell's going on.

Sheriffs.

"Sheriffs," as in plural?

Yup, and they're both corrupt.

The chief owns one.

And the rancher
owns the other one.

Lovely. So it looks like I'm stuck
with you until I find this mask.

I am the girl next door.

My name is Cindy, by the way.

I don't live...

Cool. Never mind. I'm John.

I always wanted an uncle John.

You have the right
to remain silent.

Two perfect kill shots
through the windshield.

Theones?

Don't know.

These Indians are a little
far from the reservation.

Native Americans.

What?

They like to be called
"native Americans" now.

Whatever.

So what are two native Americans
doing away from the casino?

In such a crappy car.

Besides getting killed?

The car's got out
of state plates, too.

What you got?

The car belongs to a John Smith.

(Chuckung)

Two native Americans stole the
car of a guy named John Smith.

There's some irony for you.

I already told you.
We can't call the sheriffs.

I'm not calling
the sheriff. Sheriffs!

Who are you camngthen? Nobody.

Oh, I get it. You're gonna
be like my crazy uncle.

You'll be crazy uncle John.

When I was in the apartment
next to your...

See. I told you we were
neighbors. We're not... never mind.

When I was in that apartment,

I noticed there were some headshots
on the wall of the other elvises.

Now I'm willing to gamble
that in this small town,

there's not too many
takashi toshiros.

I thought you said
you were a terrible gambler.

Nope. I've only lost
in slots, poker and love.

I'm thinking in the day
and age of cell phones,

the pay phone would have
died a horrible death,

and yet some remain
fighting destiny,

marking a simpler time.

Little person Elvis:
That's beautiful!

Now give me the mask!

Midget Elvis.

Little person, bitch.

Ooh, you said he was
a little touchy about that.

Very touchy.

Now give me the mask
or I'll blow your balls off.

She doesn't have balls. You don't
have balls. She doesn't have balls.

I'm not screwing around!

Look, man, I don't
have it. He doesn't.

I would know. He's my neighbor.

I'm not... why does
everybody think I have it?

Because you stole it!

I didn't!

(Pistols cocking)

Lastchance.

What do you think the cop
behind you is gonna say about it?

Do you think I'm stupid?
I'm not falling forthat!

Is everything all right?

Yes. Everything's fine.

Because I just hate it when
people make fun of a little person.

No. Listen, officer, we weren't
making fun of a little person,

we were just asking
for some directions. Really.

Right? Yeah. Yup.

Have a nice day.

Right. Thank you, deputy.

Looks like Elvis
died on the toilet.

Again. Yup.

I don't think he's dead.

Which one? Which one, what?

Which Elvis do you think is still
alive? The real one or that guy?

Both. Both? Really?

Everybody knows that the king faked
his death to get away from the colonel,

lead a normal life,
live happily ever after.

That guy, however,
is an impersonator.

Noshw

no. Actually,
I'm afraid there is.

Don't start with the toilet
humor, all right? Too late.

So, shenfi, you've
determined, in your expertise,

that the dead guy here
is not the real Elvis,

but rather
an Elvis impersonator.

No, shenfi.

I've determined in my expertise

that the dead guy is not
a real Elvis impersonator.

You can tell by the boots.

Any true Elvis lover knows that the
king would never be caught dead in those.

No pun intended.

Yeah, an Elvis impersonator
impersonator.

Hutchins: "John Smith."

The owner of the car
with the dead Indians.

Native Americans.

So what did two dead
native Americans

and a dead Elvis impersonator
impersonator have in common?

John Smith. John Smith.

So this is the luxurious
estate of Asian Elvis, huh?

I guess Elvis impersonating
doesn't pay all that well.

So what's your plan?

My plan? I'm just gonna go in there
and demand that he give me the mask.

That's a popular plan
these days.

Simple and sweet. I like it.

Very popular plan.

Maybe it's the maid's day off.

I'd sure hate to be
the owner of this place.

That's why I rent! (Both gasp)

And here I thought I'd
have to come after you.

Yeah, we didn't see you there.

'Cause asians are sneaky, right?

Starting right off
with the stereotypes.

What? Give me the mask.

Hey, that was your line.

Look, like I'm telling
everybody else, I don't have it!

First you steal the mask,
then you kill Alan.

Awn? Gayens.

Gay Elvis?

Murdered in
a train station bathroom.

They're hunting down all the
elvises trying to find the mask.

Heard on my police scanner that he
was shot on the toilet multiple times.

You have a police
scanner? Of course, I do!

Because I'm Asian, I must
be good with technology, right?

And let me guess. What?

You think every Asian
knows karate.

I bet computers, too.

And I suppose, I must have
gotten really good grades

in school, studied every night,

all while working in my parents'
dry cleaner's store on the weekend.

Well, in my case,
that's just not true.

Except for the karate part.

(Yells) (Grunts)

No one's hunting this Elvis
down, you generic European hybrid.

And who are you supposed to be?

The girl next door?

Exactly.

Well, little girl,
tell me where the mask is

or I'm gonna open up a can
of whoop-ass on you, too.

I don't know where the mask is.
I've never even seen the mask.

Isuppose you think
iwouldn't hita girl.

(Gasps) (G ru nts)

Wrong again!

I can't believe
you just did that!

I know. I'm just breaking
every stereotype today.

Your little white man's brain
must be ready to explode.

You really are an asshole,
aren't you?

Takes one to know one.

Did you really just
say that? Yes, I did.

Now give me the mask!

Yes!

(John groaning)

Look behind you.

Look behind me?

Remember the stereotype,
little girl.

Asians are smart, not dumb.

I'm here for the mask.

Shocker

you better pray
you're not an Elvis.

No, no. I'm a Smith!

John Smith. Yeah.

Aren't you dead?

Uh, I don't think so.

Wait, wait, wait.
You're the Indian.

Do I look like I'm from India?

I meant, native American!

Do I look like
I work at 7-Eleven?

Wait, wait! That's a
little racist, too. Isn't it?

I suppose you think
that this is a tomahawk?

I was gonna say hatchet,
but now that you mention it...

And what? I'm gonna scalp
you, is that it? No, no, no.

That would be racially
insensitive of me to think that.

That's good. You're
not as stupid as you look.

Thank you.

But unfortunately for you,
it is a tomahawk.

And this Indian

is gonna scalp you.

Should have looked behind you.

Come on, let's go.

Never argue with a woman.

"Look behind you." What are
you, three for three with that?

Four for four.

But to be fair, three to four times
there's somebody behind them.

Yeah, okay. Come on. Come on.

(Panting)

That was my first
tomahawking. What about you?

I change my mind. I think
we need to call the sheriffs.

Yeah. That mask
is worth $1 million.

Maybe the sheriffs can
wait a little bit longer.

Not even the girl next door
is immune to greed.

Ah. I caught it from my uncle.

Hey, there's
thatguyagam? What guy?

That guy from the casino.

Hey, you! John, wait!

Iwanna talk to you
for a minute. What?

Who are you? Dude, what
happened to your face?

I just got beat up
by an Asian Elvis.

That is not important right now.

Really?

I saw you outside the
casino. What's your deal?

Dude, unless you also wanna get beat up
by a college kid, I'd walk away right now.

No. I'm not going anywhere, man,
until you tell me why you are following us!

Okay.

(Groans)

Ah!

Stick to fighting elvises,
moron. (Grunts)

Stop it! Get away from him!

What? He was asking for it.

I can't believe it.
The chief's men were right!

He actuallyjust crushed
a beer can on my head!

Just get out of here!

I'd listen to the lady
if I was you, boy.

Yes, sir.

You look good. Thanks.

You broke my nose, asshole.

I know how you feel. Are
there any hispanics in this town?

'Cause right now that's the only
ethnicity that hasn't kicked my ass yet!

Somebody wants to talk to you.

I can't imagine
what that's about.

I already killed me
two Indians today.

Don't make me kill you, too.

I want the mask.

That's refreshing. Usually
people say, "give me the mask!"

You went with,
"I want the mask."

Do you know who I am?

You're the rancher.

Yeah. I was gonna guess
the rancher, too.

I own this town,

several others just like it,
most of the land in between.

Government says I can't
own the Indian reservation,

but that doesn't matter,
it was worthless anyway

until the chief
built his casino.

See that? Whether you're
rich or poor, we all got problems.

It's been very nice meeting
you, very enlightening.

Uncle John, I think
it's time to shut up now.

Well, that's a smart girl.

I'd listen to her if I was you.

Confinue.

This warrior mask is where
the apache gain all their power.

When it was lost in the
battle with the us cavalry,

they were defeated and forced to
live as drunks on the reservation.

When it was found, they became
powerful again and built a casino.

Interestingly, I have
heard this story before,

from the Indians, not with
your colorful descriptions added.

But I bet you don't
know the best part.

The apache don't make
warrior masks. Hopi do.

Hopi? Hopi.

It's another tribe. There's
not many of them left.

Which means that the
chief's tribe originally

stole the mask
from some other tribe.

And now, like all good
European white men,

we're going to
take it from them.

Greed.

Nothing. What?

Now don't feel too bad
for the savages,

they'd kill to get that mask.

When they lost it
the first time,

they killed a whole family
just to get it back.

Careful, it's very old.

Good, just like that.

How did you find it?

His new boss sent him out
looking for old war artifacts,

and he finds this.

All right. Let's wrap it up.

(Guns firing)

Th e ran c h e r:
That family worked for me.

Mother, father,
little boy, all killed.

Except for some old Indian woman,
some sort of code of the savages.

She lives.

Only the white man dies today.

That's horrible.

So where again did you say
the father found the mask?

What's it matter?

He found it, they killed
'em, the chief got it.

Without that mask, that whole tribe
would still be forced to work for me,

if they weren't too drunk to get
off that cesspool of a reservation.

But instead,

they built a casino and now they
make even more money than I do.

So you hired the elvises to
steal the mask for yourself.

You exploit whatever
weaknesses your enemy has.

That casino's a fortress.

Only apache warriors

and Elvis impersonators are
allowed into the chief's inner sanctum.

So what happened?

I don't know.

But that's why I have
your uncle John here.

So, captain Smith,

you and pocahontas have till
tomorrow to bring me the mask,

or I'm going to cutoff
your head and hang it

next to all the other
animals on my wall.

We understand
each other? Yes, sir.

(Groans)

We're right back
where we started.

He just threatened
to cut off our heads.

Well, technically, he only
threatened to cut off my head.

Oh, great,
I feel so much better.

I won't get killed
because of a technicality.

Hell, if it makes you
feel any better,

there's plenty of
other people out there

who are willing
to kill you today.

So how are we going
to find this mask?

All we know is that
an Elvis has it.

That's all we need to know.

There were five elvises.

One of them stole the mask
and betrayed the others.

If you take me out of the
equation that leaves only four.

Midget Elvis, I mean,
little person Elvis,

came after me
looking for the mask.

So we know it wasn't him.

Takashi, aka Asian Elvis, also
demanded the mask the moment he saw us.

So, it couldn't
have been him either.

And before he got
a tomahawk in the back,

takashi told us Alan, aka gay Elvis,
had been killed at the train station.

Which leaves only
the contest winner himself.

Elvis Elvis.

Your neighbor.

But I thought
you were my neighbor.

I'm your uncle.

I'm talking about your
real next-door neighbor.

So where is this Elvis Elvis?

John: So, if I were an Elvis
impersonator contest winner

who had just stolen an
ancient apache warrior mask

worth $1 million,
where would I be?

Hopi. What?

Ancient hopi
warrior mask. Right.

Now I do have an idea. You still
think we shouldn't call the sheriffs?

No. We need to find the
mask, save our heads, get rich,

and live happily ever after.

Hmm. (Guns cocking)

I couldn't agree more.

Midget Elvis.

Little person, asshole. Sorry.

I knew you bitches would
return to the scene of the crime.

Which crime is he talking about?

I don't know, there's been
so many, I've lost track.

It's just a figure
of speech, dickwad.

I meant you finally
came back home.

I don't live here.

She lives next door. Thanks.

You're a sick, twisted
bastard, you know that?

Having all our pictures
taped to your wall.

Jerking off to them at night.

That is pretty sick. What?

It wasn't good enough for
you to just steal the mask.

No, you had to live out your
perverted fantasies and kill all of us.

You get off on that, don't you?

What the hell
are you talking about?

First, you kill gay Elvis,

in a bathroom stall, noless.

Then you kill Asian Elvis, by
thrusting a hatchet into his back.

Hey, wait, it wasn't a
hatchet, it was a tomahawk.

Apparently, there's
a difference.

And now you want
to try and kill me.

Well, asswipe,
it's not gonna happen.

Excuse me,
in uncle John's defense,

he didn't kill
any of those people.

The Indian did, I think.

Uncle John?

So now you're screwing
your niece? Damn.

You are one perverted bastard.

No, no, it's not like that,
she's my neighbor.

Not actually my neighbor.

Shut the hell up.

Now tell me where the mask is
before I cut you both down to my size.

Yes, tell us where the mask is.

Nice outfit.

Thank you. Who the hell are you?

"'Tis some visitor, ' I muttered
'tapping on my chamber door

"'this it is, and nothing more

Edgar Allan poe?

An educated man.

Then you're smart enough to
know who'll be walking out of here

with that duffel bag.

Did you just threaten me?

Because, bhch, this
midget will fuck you up.

Uh, little person. Whatever.

Oh, I've had
about enough of this.

(Sighs) Mmm.

How many assassins
do they have in this town?

Ouch. That looks like it hurt.

(Groaning)

John Smith, I presume.

(Groaning) Yeah.

We just heard gunshots.

We going to find another
dead body up there?

Probably. Imagine that.

We follow the address written
on the hand of a dead Indian...

Native American.

Native American,
lying in a pool of blood,

next to another dead
native American,

in a car registered to you.

And we find your credit card lying on
the body of a dead Elvis impersonator

impersonator in a bathroom
of a train station.

And now here you are.

I haven't killed anybody.

Who said you did? So, upstairs.

We're going to find
a dead Elvis?

Or a dead Indian?
Native American.

Whatever.

Probably an Elvis.

I'm telling ya,
you've got the wrong guy.

Who would the right guy be?
Somebody else.

Oh, I like that. Somebody else.

What about the girl
you were with?

No, no, you don't want her
either. She doesn't know anything.

She's just the girl next door.

Next door to the apartment
that you say you don't live in.

Right.

Okay, Mr. Smith.

We're going to hold you in
this cell for 12... make it 24.

24 hours.

Let's see if any more
dead people show up.

That's not going to
work for me, okay?

A lot of stuff is going to happen
in the next 12 to 24 hours.

Sorryjail's cutting
into your busy schedule.

You can always tell us what's really
going on to speed up the process.

Native Americans, cowboys, Elvis
impersonators and blonde women,

they're all trying to kill me.

Any particular reason?

They don't like me?

Well, we're going to let you
in on a little secret here, John.

We don't like you either.

See you in the morning.

Woman: None of the settlers
liked the real John Smith either.

Neither did the Indians.

But they all needed him
to survive.

Theytned to kill him, too.

You stole my wallet.

Yeah. But it had no money in it.

What are you doing
in here anyway?

Solicitation.

What, you're a prostitute?

Yes, John. I'm a prostitute.

So what's the deal
with this mask?

You know where it is? You, too?

How do you know about it?

Johns like to talk during sex.

We didn't have sex. Not you.

(Grunting loudly)

I was doing this guy
named the cowboy.

Giddyup. Giddyup.

The elvises stole
the chief's mask.

God dog it, mo, I'm a
little busy, can't you see?

They haven't reported in.

The rancher is asking for ya.

Oh, yeah, why didn't you say so?

(Grunts)

That's it? I got to go
find me some elvises.

Pay the gal.

A few minutes later, the
sheriffs came and arrested me.

At least somebody came.

You would've had
a better time with me.

I like girls, John.

So what happened to your face?

You weren't this ugly
the last time I saw you.

There's a lot of bad
people out there.

There's some in here, too.

Aren't you a murderer?
That's funny.

Now they found my credit card that
you stole at one of the crime scenes.

I'll make you a deal.

I'll talk to the sheriffs and
get you off, no pun intended,

if you tell me
where the mask is.

Well, it looks like you and I will be
spending the night together after all.

Because right now, I have
no idea where that mask is.

You were in that Elvis contest,

you played poker with those
guys, I know you know something.

Good night, my sweet love. Men.

John: Iawoke
feeling not too bad.

True, I was in jail.

And a whole bunch of people
were trying to kill me.

But somehow, I felt today was
going to be better than yesterday.

Rise and shine, Mr. Smith.

Or maybe not.

The girl next door
posted your bail.

(Sighs)

Don't I need to be charged
with something first?

I'd stop talking if I were
you, we're letting you out.

It's called a bribe.

Anything new you want to
tell us this morning, John?

(Sighs)

I couldn't get laid
by a prostitute,

you know what that
does to a man's ego?

I can tell you something new
this morning, sheriffs.

I'm listening.

Will it get me out of here?

Depends on what
you tell us, sugar.

The chief's ancient apache
warrior mask was stolen

by a bunch
of Elvis impersonators.

And he knows where it is.

Really? Idonot

deputy over radio:
Sheriffs, come in.

Sheriff Hutchins.
What is it, deputy?

There's a broken-down car
up highway 18.

Unregistered.
No sign of the driver.

There's a cut water hose
and a bone-dry radiator.

Who goes out in the desert
without checking their water level?

Anything inside
the vehicle, honey?

The only thing
is an Elvis trophy.

Hutchins: Say again?

A first-place Elvis
impersonation contest trophy.

Pretty cool.

Keep me posted. Hutchins, out.

Told you. Let's go, Mr. Smith.

Hey, what about me?

When I get back, I'll let you blow
me, and then we'll talk about it.

Wow, you sure know how to make
a girl feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Bye-bye, my love.

(Creaking)

Thank you for getting me
the hell out of there.

It wasn't cheap.

But I didn't want to have
a jailbird for an uncle.

I mean, what would
the other kids say?

Thank you. I owe you.

So what's the plan?

There's a plan? I hope so.

The rancher hired the
elvises to steal the mask,

and then the head Elvis
screwed over the other elvises,

framed you, and took
the mask for himself.

He's probably going to try
to sell it to the highest bidder.

So where do you think he is?

That is the million-dollar
question, isn't it? Literally.

You said you had
an idea, though.

Now I do have an idea.

Did I? Yeah, that was the
last thing you said to me

before a blonde assassin
started killing midget elvises.

"Little person" elvises.
Whatever.

Him again.

Stop. Remember
what happened last time?

I'll take care of it.

Women.

Wise men say
only fools fall in love.

It's not "fools fall in
love," it's "fools rush in."

Oh, you're going to correct
me on my Elvis lyrics now.

Yup. Didn't she just
pay you guys off?

Hey!

Bribery's against
the law, Mr. Smith.

Yeah, we call it
consulting fees.

Know that's her
boyfriend, don't you?

That's her boyfriend?

Ex-boyfriend,
thank you very much.

Are we ready?

Where are we going?

You're going to help us
find that mask.

'Cause I hear it's
worth a lot of money.

That wasn't part of the deal.

We're changing the deal.

Assuming you don't mind
sitting in the back.

Do I have a choice?

You know, I could get
you two into a lot of trouble.

Ooh. Tell it to the sheriffs.

You coming?

(Sighs)

Sorry. Don't worry about it.

Why is your ex-boyfriend
following me?

He's not following you,
he's following me.

But the sheriffs won't
do anything about it.

Now what was he doing
at the casino?

That was before I even met you.

Well, he has a gambling
problem, that's why we broke up.

Well, she said she was
high-classed, but that was just a lie.

See how I got that lyric
correct? You're a genius.

Where we heading, Mr. Smith?

We're looking for
the driver of the car

that your deputy
found on highway 18.

If he didn't die of heatstroke.

There's only one place
he could be.

(Snoring)

(Bird squawking)

Be right back.

I think you guys better
get here pretty fast.

There's a new player in town.

"The angels, not half
so happy in heaven

"went envying her and me

"that was the reason as all men
know, in this kingdom by the sea

"that the wind came out
of a cloud by night

"chilling and killing
my Annabel Lee"

what?

Wrong answer.

(Guns firing)

(Groans)

(Coughing)

(Laughing)

What's so funny?

(Inaudible whispering)

Elvis has left the building.

"For the moon never beams
without bringing me dreams

"of the beautiful Annabel Lee"

what? Nice satellite phone.

Cells don't work out here.

Interesting.

Did you just call
the rancher or the chief?

Both. Really?

I work for the rancher,
but I owe money to the chief.

Playing both sides.

I like that.

Well, give them
a message for me.

(Gunshot)

Hutchins: See, we made it.

Cowley: After how many
hours and wrong turns?

Next time I'm driving.

Like you can find a bus stop in
the middle of the desert any faster.

John: Wow, they don't
take you to all the best places?

Cindy: Whatever happened
to dinner and a movie?

Hutchins: Shut up.

Cowley: Looks like
the cowboy's already here.

The cowboy, he's the one
that took a shot at us.

Hutchins: Did he hit you?

Too bad. No.

It's the sheriffs.

Comeon out of there, boys.

Sheriffs.

What can we do for you?

We're here for the mask, mo.

Well, ain't we all?

Elvis in there? Elvis is dead.

Put down your guns and
step away from the bus.

I told you we didn't
kill the elvises. Shut up.

Sheriff cowley, I understand
the rancher pays you real good.

So I'm going to give you
a little advice.

You take that other sheriff
there and you get in your vehicle

and you ride on out of here. Till
I tell you it's okay to come back.

Yeah, about that.

See, this mask seems to be
pretty valuable.

We're going to be
renegotiating my contract.

He works for the chief.

We work for whoever's willing
to pay us the most for that mask.

Think of it like there's
two new sheriffs in town.

And they're even greedier
than the last ones.

So, like that other
sheriff said,

drop your guns,
step away from the bus.

Careful, sherriff.

I hear he's a pretty good shot.

I'm also a quick draw.

This town wasn't big enough for
the both of them. Either of them.

Hell, any of them.

Mo: John Smith.

The rancher gave you 24 hours
to get us the mask.

(Sniggers)

Cowboys and Indians,
just like the old days.

(Laughs)

We both know
how that turned out.

We need to see
who's on that bus.

The situation's a little volatile
right now, don't you think?

Exactly.

Talk is cheap, white man.

Just like the old days.

(Yells)

(Groaning)

You seem to be as difficult
to kill as your namesake.

John Smith was sentenced to death
three times, twice by his own people.

He was spared each time.

Do you think
you're gonna be spared?

Kill him. Let's get the mask.

Wait. Wait, no, no.

Wait, you can't
kill him. Why not?

Just like pocahontas,
you're not 11, are you?

Because if you want the mask,
you have to bring him.

And the money.

Slight twist on pocahontas.

She's right.

That's what it says in the bus.

Well, you're making the
right choice, chief. Thank you.

Where do we go then?

Station 12.

John: Station 12
was an old west outpost

on the border of
the chief's reservation.

It was once
native American land,

site of a long-forgotten skirmish
between the tribe and the us cavalry.

To keep the peace, no one
was supposed to go there.

Thanks for not killing me
earlier by the way.

You can thank your
girl next door for that.

Thanks for that.

The rancher also wants him dead.

Maybe this rancher isn't
so bad after all, huh?

Being native American,

doesn't it tug at your soul
knowing everyone wants me dead?

Indian. Excuse me?

I'm Indian.

Thought you guys all wanted
to be called native Americans.

No, no, moron, I'm from India.

The chief and his casino are
equal opportunity employers.

Not everyone's a racist
white male like you.

I did not see that coming.

Well, we're here.

The rancher: Glad
you boys all could make it.

Bet you never thought
you'd be back here, chief.

(Gun cocks)

I can kill him right now and
end this war once and for all.

I wouldn't advise that if I was
you, I'm a pretty good shot.

So was the cowboy.

You're outnumbered, rancher.

Not exactly.

Where'd that come from?
Took it from the sherriff.

Just like the Indian did.
Which Indian?

The one from India.

You don't have to do this,
everything's going to be fine.

I know it is.

You just need to choose
what side you're on, uncle.

Pocahontas would never
shoot her father, chief powhatan.

The chief isn't my father.

The rancher is.

That's my girl.

No, no, no. You'rejust
the girl next door.

You don't even live there.

I don't live there either.

So your ex-boyfriend was really
following me around then, huh?

Of course he was.

How do you think I knew
you were in that apartment?

The blonde: "And neither
the angels in heaven above

"nor the demons
down under the sea

"can ever dissever
my soul from the soul

"of the beautiful Annabel Lee"

now everyone drop the guns.

Or no one gets anything.

You can all
kill each other later.

Good. Now I assume you
both brought the money.

$1 million.

$1 million.

How do we know you have
what you say you have?

Ihaveit

so who you gonna sell it to?

Send John Smith in here
with all the money.

And we'll see which side
wants it the most.

I got a better idea.

(Grunting)

(Gunshots)

As I was saying, give
John Smith the money,

and I will give him the mask.

The rest of you,
don't bother getting up.

Head on my wall.

I'm sorry, John.

Me, too.

Why him?

Captain John Smith was friend
and foe of native Americans

and white men alike.

Sentenced to death by both,
killed by neither.

I thought it'd be poetic.

Are you serious?

Never dressed like this
when we were together.

You never turned me on enough.

Ouch.

Hello, Annabel.

Heho, Lee.

I thought you weren't
interested in any of this stuff,

especially being in love
with your doctor and all.

Well, this is a lot of money.

And she isn't a doctor.

She.

Everything that Elvis had
isinthatbag.

You once said that

history would be written
without me in it.

And I was right.

Still you could've told me
that you were coming.

But what fun
would that have been?

You know how I feel about guns.

Suit yourself.

So what are you
going to tell 'em?

Nevermore.

(Coughs)

What are you waiting for?

Nothing. Just enjoying seeing
all you guys down in the dirt.

I am going to kill you.

Not if I kill him first.

I've been dead before.

Thirty years ago, chief.

Your men killed my
entire family right here.

The rancher had sent them to a
place no one was supposed to go.

The burial ground of a battle
your tribe had with the us cavalry.

Just like the rancher guessed,

my family found
the warrior mask.

And also just like
the rancher guessed,

the chief ordered them killed for breaking
the peace and desecrating the ground.

My family had no idea
where they'd been sent.

Or that they were pawns
in a centuries-old fight.

You couldn't have been
a part of that family.

The Indians killed all of them.

The native Americans
killed them all.

Except for a little boy.

A boy who'd been saved
by another native American.

My father's hopi guide.

Go to the highway,
wait for me there.

They were just
student archeologists.

Had no idea they were doing
your dirty work for you.

(Motorbike engine rewing)

That's my ride. Gotta go.

Who is that?

Her?

We'll leave you
a present at the car.

Nice.

Where's my mask?

Your mask, chief?
Elvis destroyed it.

What?

The mask is gone.

I threw it off a cliff.

I guess he thought if he wasn't
going to get paid for it, no one should.

But don't feel too bad, chief.

The rancher's covering this one.

The greedy white man screwed
over your tribe for a long time, chief.

And for the last 30 years, you've
been able to do a little screwing back.

You're just going to have to do it now
without an ancient apache warrior mask.

And I'm taking
the other briefcase

for what happened to my family.

This ain't over.

(Gun cocks)

Be nice. I'd hate to
have to come back here.

(Motorbike engine rewing)

(Chuckles)

(Laughs)

What's so funny, chief?

Greed.

What about the money?

And John Smith, chief?

There's still a million
dollars inthathouse.

John: 80 really, it was the
white man versus the white man,

versus the Indians,
versus the Indians.

The elvises were there at
the casino to steal the mask.

Given the chief's love
for the king,

they'd even been given a
private room right down the hall

from the chief's office.

That casino's a fortress.

Only apache warriors

and Elvis impersonators are
allowed into the chief's inner sanctum.

I gotta use
the little boy's room.

John: So after doing some
hard-core losing, I excused myself

and took care of business.

(Door creaking)

Where the hell is it?

Well, it looks like
we've been set up, boys.

Every man for himself.

John: But only
an Elvis contest winner

could walk out of
that casino unscathed.

Sorry, son.

There can only be one king.

(Groans)

John: And that king
put me in my place.

Crap. What!

Now if you're going to
call an all-in bet.

You better make sure
you're holding all the cards.

And of course, Elvis Elvis
didn't destroy the mask.

I can't believe
they fell for that.

Well, actually I can.

My ex, Annabel,
can be a pretty good liar.

Elvis has left the building.

John: She left me for a doctor.

Yeah. By doctor, you mean
lesbian prostitute.

And they both always had
my best interests in mind.

Hutchins: "John Smith."

John: But luckily, I made sure
and stacked the deck in my favor

before I ever walked
into that casino.

But Annabel did leave me
a present.

The rancher was right
about one thing.

It wasn't an ancient apache
warrior mask that was stolen.

It was an ancient
hopi warrior mask.

And it was the hopi
that should get it back.

But being a greedy white man,

I did take the chief's
treasure. And his money.

Just like the real John Smith.

'Course, I wasn't
John Smith at all.

That random guy was.

(Sniggers)

"John Smith."

That's a good name
for an Indian reservation.

Yep. I was just an impersonator.

A really good one.

Not a bad Elvis either.