All language subtitles for The.Marvelous.Mrs.Maisel.S05E01.WEB.x264-TORRENTGALAXY

Ah, come on. No.

No. No.

Where are the...? Damn it.

Why can't anything ever
be where it's supposed to be

when I need to...

- Did you see it there?
- I did not.

I was digging through
this bag for ten minutes,

and you just sat there?

I thought you were
looking for a pen.

Why would I be
looking for a pen?

Because you often
look for a pen...

There's a pen right there
on the table. Two pens.

- when a thought occurs to you.
- You're the one taking notes.

Not everything that happens
to you is somebody else's fault.

Okay. Should I write that
down with one of the two pens?

- Do you remember...
- Yes, I remember where I was.

I should shave my head.

She'd just love that.

I always remember where I was.

I can keep several complex
thoughts in my head at one time.

That's why NASA keeps
begging me to move to Florida.

Four o'clock in the
morning, the phone rings

because that's when
she finishes her work.

Doesn't matter that
the rest of us have

to be in a lab at 8:00 a.m.

I mean, she's just so...

And everything has to be...
Plus, there's the whole...

- Finish the thought.
- What?

You're supposed to be working
on finishing your thoughts.

- I am finishing my thoughts.
- Well, in your head, yes, but out loud...

I'm tired of being
criticized by you.

By her. It's not my fault

that everyone in the
world is slower than I am.

They always were.

The only person I could
ever talk to was Grandpa.

That's it. Are you
staying over there?

I thought we were
doing the couch today.

You said we were
working on proximity issues.

Sure. Sorry.

You're the one
who set the agenda.

I just wanted some Klonopin.

I'm all settled. Good?

- I don't want bangs.
- You don't have to get bangs.

Who calls people at
4:00 in the morning?

Huh? I'm working on my
PhD. That's important, too.

I mean, does the woman not know

that Reno and Boston
aren't in same time zone?

- What are you writing?
- You wouldn't understand.

Well, make me understand.

Molecular kinetic sequencing?

That's what you'd like me
to make you understand?

I thought you were
writing about your mother.

Not everything in the
world revolves around...

I am trying to figure out
how to use DNA mutations

to change the very trajectory
of disease and rearrange it

so we can control the very
basic process in which we...

Wait.

Okay, I did it.

You did? Are you sure?

- Want to check my work?
- No.

I believe you.

My God, Esther, that's amazing.

I mean, what you've
done, right here in my office,

that's a monumental achievement.

Oh, yeah?

Well, tell it to my mother!

How the fuck was I ever
convinced to use a top sheet?!

God.

- Susie somebody's office.
- Susie.

Oh, good. I thought
you weren't there.

- Who is this?
- It's Rose.

Miriam is very ill.

What? No.

No, no, no. She
doesn't get it till the 14th.

- I got it marked on the calendar.
- It's not that.

She came home very late
last night, practically frozen.

What the fuck was she
doing out in a blizzard?

I was hoping you could tell me.

Well, she's your
daughter. You live with her.

She's your client,
and she's never home.

I'm not the one who was
supposed to teach her about snow.

That one's squarely on you.

Well, whosever fault it is,
she got home a block of ice.

Her coat was wool,
so it shrank on her,

and we had to borrow
garden shears from the super

to cut it off her.

We threw her in a hot
shower and put her into bed.

The doctor came.
She's got hypothermia.

- Jesus.
- She's so agitated.

She can't sleep. She
just lies there, babbling.

So we need you to come
over and interpret for us.

You speak Miriam's language

and are familiar with
all that showbiz patois.

- Uh, okay, yeah, I'll be right over.
- Good.

Now, when you get here,
be careful not to mention toes.

There's a chance she
may lose one or two of them.

She's gonna lose her toes?

We're hoping just
the left middle one.

She'll still be able to
walk somewhat normally,

and fitting into narrow shoes

will actually be
easier without it.

So, lemonade.

- We'll see you soon?
- Yeah. Bye.

Hello? I'm here.

- Susie?
- Yeah.

That door was locked.
How did you get in?

- I still have my key.
- Why?

I don't know. It's
on my key necklace.

I just forgot to take it off.

Oh, thank God you're here.

- Let herself right in.
- How is she?

She's still talking nonsense.

She kept the key.
It's now a necklace.

So what?

Hey. Miriam. Update. Please.

No improvement. She's
practically speaking in tongues.

There's a lot of random
words, strange sounds.

She could be speaking bebop.

On the way here, I remembered
she went to Carnegie Hall

last night to see Lenny's show.

Well, at least we're finally
getting some information here.

Carnegie Hall.

So, she didn't
just lose her mind

and wander out into the
snow because it's pretty.

That was my first theory.

Abe, my God. Your shirt.

It's how it came back
from the cleaners.

Well, put on another
shirt. We have a crisis here.

They all came back like this!

Look, I'm gonna go
see what I can find out.

About the shirt?

Because that's not
important right now.

Miriam.

It's me, Susie.

Gone, gone.

What's gone?

The window.

- The window's gone?
- Open.

The window's gone open?

It's closing. A
door. It's closing.

Nothing's closing.

Cheese and crackers.

Tony Bennett.

What about him?

I slept with him.

You slept with Tony Bennett?

When the fuck did you
meet Tony Bennett?

- He went to bat.
- Who?

Get my hat.

Are you trying to rhyme?

Mm.

Miriam?

- So, apparently, she had sex with Tony Bennett.
- - What?

And she wants some
cheese and crackers.

I brought her a perfectly
good manchego.

- She wouldn't eat it.
- How does she know Tony Bennett?

Did she mention a hat?

When doesn't she mention a hat?

And there was something
about a window and a door.

And these are not
helping, by the way.

I thought they
might calm her down.

Ugh, Zelda, what
smells like donkey balls?

Special Polish fish head soup.

It wards off evil spirits.
Makes your hair shiny, too.

Okay. Well, when you are done

driving down the
neighbors' property values,

make some coffee, strong coffee.

This is gonna take a while.

- Miriam.
- Mm.

Miriam, try to focus.

What happened last night?

It was cold. Blizzard.

Yes, blizzards are cold.

Walking, walking.

So, you're walking in the cold.

- Frost crotch.
- What?

I got frost crotch.

Frost crotch? Is that a thing?

My toes. I'm gonna lose my toes.

You know, there's
been a lot of toe talk,

but, frankly, frost crotch
should've been the headline.

I'm sure your
toes are perfect...

Holy shit. Oh.

- Are they bad?
- No.

You put your head
between your knees

to keep from passing out, right?

- Susie, tell me.
- Jesus.

What the hell does
your crotch look like?

Oh, good.

Susie?

Susie? Did you
find out anything?

Should we get the doctor back?

Uh, his house call
rates are astronomical,

- so if we can avoid that...
- I saw the toe.

I told you about the toe.

No. No, Rose, you did
not tell me about that toe.

You told me about a
cute little frozen toe,

pink and white like a cherub.

You did not at all prepare
me for the horror show

I just witnessed back there.

You're overreacting.

It's black.

Her toe is black, Rose.

That's not overreacting.
That thing is a goner.

It's like she was in
a war, an old one.

Never mind.

Okay. I'm going back in.

You know, I can't unsee
that toe now, Rose.

You understand that?

I may never fucking
close my eyes again.

You feeling a little better?

Yeah, you maybe want to
get up? Move around a little?

Hey, your kids are watching TV.
Don't you want to see your kids?

The kids can go fuck themselves.

She just said, "The kids
can go fuck themselves."

- What?
- No, they certainly cannot.

Such terrible talk.

I have to tell you, I don't really
know how to proceed here.

- You know what would help?
- What?

If you gave that key back.

Well, it certainly
couldn't hurt.

Susie.

Mm?

- Susie.
- What?

You're up. How are you feeling?

Okay, I guess.

Hey, did I say my kids
can go fuck themselves?

If it makes you feel any better,

I don't think the
little one heard you.

Oh, good.

So, you want to tell me
what happened last night?

Uh... not much.

I-I was at Carnegie
Hall, there was a blizzard.

I couldn't find a cab,
so I just started walking.

Hey, hey, you think you
can get the Bennett gig back?

Oh, I think that's gone.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

But maybe their second choice
didn't get back to them yet.

Their second choice is ironing
his show pants as we speak.

Me and my stupid manifesto.

"Make me a headliner. No
opening act for anybody."

What an idiotic thing to say.

It wasn't all idiotic.

The part about being able
to say what you want to say,

that was smart.

Maybe I don't
have what it takes.

Maybe I'm not as
tough as I thought I was.

I mean, look at me,

eight inches of snow,
I've become my mother.

I'm in bed, popping
pills, candles everywhere.

Bet I got crystals
under my pillow.

Yep, got crystals
under my pillow.

Three of 'em.

No, no, no, no.

Come on, think of something
happy, think of shoes.

My toe. I'm gonna lose a toe.

Okay, don't think
of shoes. No shoes.

Think of hats. You like hats.

My hat. I loved that hat.

Listen to me,
tomorrow this will all be

a funny bit you
can use in your act.

I'm so sorry, Susie.

God, I'm so stupid.

We had a plan,
then I went rogue.

I-I tried to do it all myself.

I shouldn't have done that.

You are the one person
who understands me.

You're the person who got
me here, got me anywhere.

I promise I will
never stop trusting

the most important
person in my life ever again.

- Six months.
- What?

I got to break
her in six months.

She's got that face.

Harry warned me about that face.

He told me his biggest
regret was not knowing

what that face meant
till it was too late.

They got that face,
they're about to give up.

She's not giving up.
We've come too far.

- And Mike's the key.
- Who's Mike?

I got to go.

Okay. Just one more thing...

I'm not giving you
the fucking key, Abe.

So, Thanksgiving's
coming up in a few days.

What?

Tomorrow? Really?

Why am I still in town?

Yes, Thanksgiving, folks,
a day of food and family.

A day you sit at a table and
look from your father-in-law,

who still hopes his daughter
will come to her senses...

to your mother-in-law,

who still hopes her daughter
will come to her senses,

to your wife, who still hopes
that she'll come to her senses.

Your wife came to her
senses, didn't she, George?

Quite a few of them, actually.

- Yes.
- Always marry a smart woman.

Sooner or later,
she'll leave you.

You know, one of my
favorite Thanksgiving traditions

is to sit in my living room
and watch the overinflated

cartoonish figures
of my youth float on...

by outside without
saying a word.

Then when Grandma and Grandpa

are ready to come on
inside, we watch that

little thing that
Macy's puts on.

Yeah, I love the Macy's
Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Although it really
does let you know

your pecking order
in show business.

I mean, the Gordon Ford Show has

the greatest studio
audience in the business,

and I do really mean that.

But, folks, I'm sorry,

your enthusiasm just
pales in comparison

to any group of kids

when a 12-foot-tall Mighty
Mouse floats overhead.

It's like Elvis with
a tail to those kids.

Another tradition I love
about Thanksgiving is

sitting around the table
and Grandma, of course,

will remind you that
this could be her last.

And then we say,
"Grandma, we know, we know,

but we're all eating
Aunt Rosie's stuffing,

and none of us are
complaining about it."

Folks, we got a great show
for you tonight. Stick around.

- I am not trespassing.
- Oh, no?

I am a tourist,
visiting this city

for the very first time,

and I took a wrong turn.

I was looking for the
Brooklyn Botanic Garden.

Classic mix-up.

Look, I'm a manager.
Big, big talent person.

What's your name,
Willie? Get ready, Willie.

You and I are gonna
become best friends.

- You are gonna speak at my wedding.
- I hate weddings.

Elevator's your
final destination.

NYPD must be kicking themselves
for turning you down, huh?

Hedy, no!

And I said, "That
is not an ashtray.

That is a 19th century
French barbotine vase."

Oh, you just have to laugh.

Otherwise, the stupidity
of people will make you cry.

Zelda, it smells
like it's boiling.

- It's not boiling.
- - It's supposed to simmer.

- It's simmering.
- Do you know the difference?

- I know the difference.
- Boiling is rapid bubbles.

Simmer is slow bubbles.

She knows simmering, Shirley.

Salt, Zelda, salt.

What is this, currency
back in your country?

Use your fist.

Pushy old broad.

- Cheap goy.
- Fight fair, you two.

- Well, my flowers arrived and they're all dead.
- What?

They must have gotten my order
mixed up with someone else's.

- What do we do?
- I guess we won't have flowers.

We can't not have flowers,
Miriam, it's Thanksgiving.

All anyone cares about at
Thanksgiving is the flowers.

I'll figure it out.

He smells the turkey.

He sniffed the air, I
swear he sniffed it.

Rose, look at him sniff.

Astrid, I have scissors here.

If you say something, he'll
turn and look right at you.

Try it, Midge. Here,
here. Say something.

Uh, did you know the
day after Thanksgiving is

- the busiest day for plumbers?
- Oh, look! He turned!

- Oh, Shirley, he turned!
- Astrid.

This is a stove.

Never wave a baby over a stove

unless you're trying
to potty train him.

Get the baby out.
Get the baby out.

I'll take the baby, Miss Astrid.

He's just so aware.

And awake, you know,
like, he's always awake.

You know, never sleeps.

Wait, Shirley, did you just
say you potty train a baby

by dangling them over a stove?

It warms their tush,

that reminds them of
what their tush is for.

I got Joely trained
in an hour and a half.

How often do you all cry?

Where am I?

Aren't you next to Mom?

Oh, actually, I moved
some of the cards around.

I thought it'd be nice
to have the little ones

at the grown-up table so
that Chaim doesn't feel weird.

So, Rose, you're
there. Noah, there.

Moishe, Shirley there, there.

Abe, Midge, and Joel, I
moved you to the kids' table.

- But I'm a grown-up.
- I'll go to the kids' table, Pop.

Oh, no, but it's Chaim's
first Thanksgiving.

You can't abandon him.

Daddy's just being silly.

- Don't be scared.
- Sorry, Pop.

He's asleep. He won't care.

I think he will.

Yes, but you aren't
a great thinker.

Papa, come sit with us.

I brought some extra salt

in case the food
is under-seasoned.

Joel, I'd like that seat.

Why?

Because I am head of the family.

- I should sit at the head of the table.
- The kids' table?

How important is winning
this particular battle to you?

Oh, boy, who killed the flowers?

They came that way.

And you paid for that?

I could have put out
dead flowers for free.

- Hey, watch it.
- Sorry.

I would like to propose a toast.

- What? From there?
- Yes, from here.

A toast should come
from the grown-ups' table.

- But...
- I'll do the toast.

Oh, you're in luck, Chaim.

Once a year, we
gather together...

- Ah! Did you see him point at you?
- Did he point?

- Right at you.
- Do it again.

- Point at Daddy.
- Point at Daddy.

Point at Daddy.

To pointing! Let's eat.

Noah, did I tell you
about the trip I won?

Really?

- From her bank.
- What?

You won the trip from your bank!

I don't know what you
said way over there,

but I won a trip from
my bank to Palm Beach.

The manager called, out
of the blue, to thank me

for my loyalty and
then offered me a trip.

- Fun.
- What?

- Fun!
- Whatever.

Anyhow, we're
going this weekend.

And the best part is,
our daughter has refused

to bring our grandchildren
to the airport to see us off.

Very disappointing.

I'm working that day.

- Wait, how come you can hear him?
- What?

We have a little announcement
to make ourselves.

We were saving it
for the proper time.

Shirley, you want to tell 'em?

No, you go ahead, Moishie.

Shirley and I are
getting divorced.

Stuffing needs salt.

Wait, what?

No. Why?

We just realized we're
not right for each other.

Now? Now you realized?

Once Moishe almost
died, I assumed he'd retire.

He been talking
about retiring for years.

I did, but once
you're close to death,

you realize how short life is.

And I thought, I haven't
done half the things

I set out to do in my business,
so I decided to expand.

And now we're kaput.

How's the turkey? Need salt?

Oh, the turkey's
delicious, Shirley.

It's Thanksgiving.

We're all sitting
down to dinner,

and you just dump this on us?

Relax, Joel, everything's
fine. We're fine.

We're still sharing the home
for now. Nothing's changed.

Yeah, we just put
a piece of plexiglass

down the center of the
bed so we don't touch butts,

but you can still see
if the other person is

choking in their sleep.

So there's still love.

Guys, can't you
two work this out?

Really?

You're the one
asking that question?

Little Miss "One strike
and your husband's out"?

Don't talk to Midge that way.

You and Ma have
to work this out.

Not gonna happen, Joely.

We tried. We talked.

And then Moishe
said something to me

that I never thought I would
ever hear my husband say,

and he can't unsay it.

And in response Shirley
said something to me

I never thought
another human being,

let alone my wife of 34
years, would say to me,

and she can't unsay it.

- Well, I'm on Mom's side here.
- What? Why?

Why? You had a heart attack,
of course you should retire.

Well, thank you for
your loyalty to the gender.

Very nice.

Hey, since we're all
sharing big life news,

you have something to tell
the people, don't you, Joel?

- Really, Pop?
- An announcement.

Something you've been
sitting on way too long.

What announcement?

Well, uh...

This wasn't exactly when I
was going to tell you, but...

Watch it!

- Ethan, switch with Daddy.
- Okay.

Can't believe I
have to... Okay, so,

as my newly single
father just said,

I do have some news.

It's about me and my girlfriend.

- Hey, watch it.
- Esther, kids' table. Move.

- Okay.
- Sorry. Go ahead.

We are gonna get married.

Oh, my God!

- Congratulations.
- Oh, my God. Yes.

And we're gonna have a baby.

- Uh, mazel!
- What? Oh, my God!

W-Well, who is this
girl, thi-this fiancée?

- You know her.
- I do?

- You met her.
- When?

- You played mah-jongg with her.
- Where?

- At the hospital?
- What hospital?

The hospital when
Pop had his heart attack.

- Oh. Did I win?
- Yes. You met her,

you love her, we're
getting married.

A grandchild.
Rose, did you hear?

How dare you keep this from me?

He kept it from you, not me!

You want me to be
miserable, but I won't.

I'll have a daughter-in-law
and a grandchild,

and you will drop dead

in a pile of the men's
spring collection.

What a thing to
say on a holiday.

Enjoy the Zen beauty
and relative anonymity

of this table as
long as you can.

I'm starving.

Impossible.

I think you ate the
entire turkey by yourself.

- Ha, you ate the turkey by yourself.
- - Did not.

- Wânshàng hâo, Mrs. Chou.
- Wânshàng hâo, - Mrs. Chou.

Watch out, watch out.

Put that bag in
the kitchen, Ethan.

A lady already lives here.

What?

Uh, kids do me a favor,

can you go in Daddy's
bedroom for a minute?

- Take my hand.
- No!

- I'm supposed to show you.
- I know where it is.

Why didn't you tell me you
were coming back today?

I missed you.

I didn't know about the kids.

That you had them.
Today, I mean.

It's okay.

You want something to eat?

I have a whole Thanksgiving
meal in the kitchen.

I'm moving to Chicago.

Easing into a conversation's

really not your
strong suit, is it?

Sorry. How was your Thanks...

- Moment's passed, Mei.
- Right. Sorry.

- Sit down.
- No.

- You won't sit down?
- No.

I just need to stand here
and say what I came to say.

I think my residency is
gonna wind up in Chicago.

I like the hospital
and the people.

Uh-huh. Well, I don't
know if you noticed,

but I don't live in Chicago,

and I can't really
move right now.

- I know.
- There's no hospital

in the entire Northeast
that could work?

- No.
- You've looked?

- No.
- Should you?

Because we're having a baby.

No.

No?

We're not...

anymore.

What happened?

Are you all right?
Why didn't you call me?

I would have been
on the next train to...

Nothing happened. I just...

We're...

just not having a baby anymore.

I don't understand.

Oh, shit. I understand.

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna sit down.

All my life I've had one goal.

You knew I never
intended to have

a serious relationship
with anyone,

and this thing with you was...

Daddy! Esther's
pointing at me again!

- I'll be there in a minute!
- Daddy, she won't stop!

In a minute, Ethan! Goddamn it!

Shit. Sorry, Ethan!

- I know you're upset.
- I don't understand.

If you were gonna do this,
why the hell did you tell me

you were pregnant
in the first place?

I mean, since I don't
matter in the equation.

- That's not true.
- Can Jews be monks?

'Cause my fucking
relationship track record...

I know I should have
thought it through better.

But I didn't, because you are...

You're you.

I never saw you coming.

You should be an
optometrist, then.

Might help with that eyesight.

Don't be sarcastic, please.

Okay. Don't be upset,
don't be sarcastic,

- don't give a shit.
- I didn't say that. I just...

I can't have it all, Joel.

The world doesn't work that way.

If I'm really gonna be a doctor,
then I just have to be a doctor.

Please understand.

I really need you to understand.

Okay.

Okay, fuck it.
Fine. I understand.

I do. You're gonna
be a terrific doctor.

- Thank you.
- You got all your stuff?

You must've left
some things here.

Oh, just this sweater.

One sweater.

Boy, I'm really not
very observant, am I?

Girl leaves nothing
but a sweater,

- that's a pretty big fucking sign.
- Please, Joel, I...

I got the kids, Mei.

I really do wish you luck.

I'll send you my new address.

Sure. Send the address.

- Bye, Joel.
- Bye.

You're a turkey leg.

You're a turkey leg.

You're two turkey legs.

Turkey leg, turkey
leg, turkey leg.

Esther, you keep pointing
that finger at Ethan,

he's gonna eat it.

Excuse me, Miss? Uh,
this turkey is very dry.

That's food that someone
brought from home.

I can't help you.

Uh, excuse me,
Miss? More Chianti?

That's wine that someone
brought from home.

Jesus Christ.

I'll be leading the whole
room in saying grace.

You got to say grace at
Thanksgiving, so be ready.

- I don't know grace.
- I do. Great ass.

He got you.

Get it all out now.
You got two minutes.

Susie, be in charge
of this section.

We all say grace together
in just over two minutes.

Sounds fun.

I just don't know
if I'm ready to tour.

It's not a tour. It's a
two-week stint at the Hacienda.

The audience comes to you.

- Sounds intimidating.
- It's not.

You do the show, then
you go back to your room.

I got you a really nice
suite, with maid service.

You ever have maid service?
A girl cleans your room,

makes your bed.
Hell, it's Vegas,

- she'll probably give you a tug if you ask for it.
- A what?

I even got you a
first-class plane ticket.

Plane ticket? I can't fly.

No, the plane flies,
you just sit in it.

I can't go on a plane.
They make no sense.

I mean, what keeps them up?

I don't know, what
keeps a bird up?

- Worries about money?
- Was that a joke?

You set me up,
but I'm not flying.

Oh, yes, you
are. You'll be fine.

You're coming, too, right?

Me? Are you kidding? I'm
not getting on a fucking plane.

Ow! Shit.

I think I just
fucked up my tooth.

Which one of you losers
brought these rolls?

I did. Made 'em
myself. You like?

- No. They're hard as rocks.
- Oh, that's on purpose.

It's an old family recipe.
We call 'em Hard Rock Rolls.

Well, that is the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.

You know, you're supposed
to soak 'em in hot water

for ten minutes
before biting into 'em.

Did you not know that?

No, I did not know that.

Everyone, an announcement!

The Stage Deli
is not responsible

for Grandma's sawdust turkey,
Grandpa's lumpy potatoes,

Aunt Betty's sour
cranberry sauce,

or the raisins in the
goddamn carrot cake.

So stop asking.

- You're dismissed, Fred.
- Okay. Enjoy your evening.

- Hey, Verla, can we get some more hot water for these rolls?
- No!

Wow, looks like there's
already plenty of food.

- Hi, Alfie.
- Are you limping?

Yeah, I almost lost a toe.

Hey, look at my tooth,
does it look weird?

You have spinach
in it, or something.

Oh! It's moving.

It's the goddamn
Hard Rock Rolls.

Fred's rolls? You're
supposed to soak 'em first.

Never mind all that. Listen.

I kissed Bobby's ass,
and I finally got you

a slot at that club on
15th, next Thursday.

- Great. I'm ready.
- And Boise called.

I can't understand you with
your finger in your mouth.

Boise called.

They paid off the right cops
so the Wolford's reopening.

They still want you,
if you're into that.

If you're okay with it, I
am. I've got clean stuff,

dirty stuff, I need a
place to stay sharp.

Okay, everyone, there
will be no group grace

due to an utter lack
of interest in doing it

and an endless
string of jokes about

what to do with the turkey neck.

So, enjoy your food,
happy Thanksgiving.

- I'm not flying.
- Yes, you are.

- I am ready to go, too.
- I'm not flying.

Yes, you are. I got a
lot of irons in the fire.

- I'm not flying.
- Yes, you are.

Ugh, I am gonna kill you, Fred.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Ah! I hate you!

One, two...

I tricked you! Whoa!

Hiya, Mike.

- What are you doing here?
- I'm looking for a tree.

- Did you follow me here?
- I just thought we could talk.

- You thought...
- - Cocoa with marshmallows, now available...

I'm here with my kids.

They're running
around here somewhere.

I'm sorry, you forced my hand.

I... what?

I wanted to talk to
you at the studio...

but suddenly I can't
get through security.

You can't get through security
'cause I gave them your picture

and said, "Under
no circumstances

- "do you let this person in."
- Well, was it flattering?

The photo? Backlit,
little shoulder action?

- I'm holding a saw.
- I have to talk to you.

- Yeah.
- I want you to give my girl

Miriam Maisel another look-see.

Just come and see her do
her thing, you will not regret it.

Oh, I already offered to see
her do her thing, remember?

You flipped out, cursed
me, and stomped off

to the enchanted bog
you slithered out of.

- Well, let's set something up again.
- No.

I don't offer again.

I will not see your girl.

Fine, you don't have to see her.

Send someone from the office.

Uh, one of your women writers.

We don't have any women writers.

Oh, so Gordon Ford's just
one big cock parade, huh?

What's going on with your mouth?

It's my tooth.
Don't worry about it.

- Want me to saw it out of your head?
- No, thanks.

Go away.

Hey, I am being nice here.

I'm sorry, what?

I came all the way up here
to make it convenient for you,

and now you're brushing me off?

Where's a pack of wolves
when you need one?

Hey, who brought you
Sophie Lennon, huh?

I did, and that
interview worked.

It was huge. It single-handedly
drove your ratings up.

And you're strutting
around that studio,

taking all the credit.

I did that for you, Mikey.

You know something?

There is one thing that I
look forward to all year long,

one thing that brings me
pure happiness, and it's this.

Christmas tree
hunting with my kids.

We do it every year,
and it's a fucking joy!

Now you are going
to stay! Right there!

And I'm gonna go
buy cider for my kids

and forget that
you ever happened.

Oh, I already bought
them some cider.

Wanted to keep 'em occupied.

You know, it's weird, none
of 'em really look like you.

I'm giving this place
your picture next year.

Did you promise to
take my kids to a movie?

Maybe.

Spartacus?

- Was it Spartacus?
- Maybe.

The three-hour movie
with all the crucifixions?

That was the movie you
thought would be great

for three kids under ten to see?

I thought they'd
like the horses.

So you've ruined Christmas

and crucifixions for me.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

And because of you,

I picked the worst
tree on the lot.

You got in my head
and you blew my focus.

- Mike, I just...
- You will never set foot in 30 Rock again.

Do you understand?

You won't even be allowed
to stand in front of 30 Rock.

You're gonna make it to 20 Rock,

and then you're gonna
have to turn right.

You even won't be allowed
to walk down 5th Avenue.

You won't be able to
stand in front of Saks,

because it is across the street
from 30 Rock on 5th Avenue.

If you want to go to Saks,

you're gonna have to enter
from the 49th Street side.

- I don't go to Saks.
- In fact, stay out of Midtown.

You're not allowed in Midtown.

My office is in Midtown.

Move your office,

and that goes
for your girl, too.

She doesn't have an office.

She will never set foot

in that building either.

And I'm betting that
she does go to Saks,

so that 49th Street entrance
is going to fucking kill her.

It is miles away from
the fucking elevators.

Hey, kids, isn't that
Santa Claus over there?

- Where? Where?
- Where's Santa Claus?

Oops, made a mistake.

I don't think that that
was Santa after all.

Spartacus! Spartacus!

Spartacus! Spartacus! Spartacus!

Spartacus!

Spartacus! Spartacus!

There is no fucking Santa Claus!

Hello?

Oh, there's a... ow.

There's a ticket to
Vegas, and it... ow.

There's a ticket to Vegas

and it needs to
be picked up! Ow.

- So how's your tooth?
- Shut up.

You know I can't
understand you, right?

I got to get the stupid

magician... ow, ow!

Fuck me.

You have to go to a dentist.

I have to get this asshole...

on a plane!

I'm not going.

Yes, you are. Ow.

No. I'm not going.

- I'm not going. I'm not going...
- You are going. Ow!

You are going,
if I have to tie you

- to a fucking... ow.
- I'm not going.

I'm gonna kill myself.

Susie, this is ridiculous.

I am calling my
dentist right now.

You are heading right over.

But Alfie...

Alfie is not going!

I will take Alfie
to the airport.

- You will?
- Will what?

Yes.

Okay, but you can't just
drop him off curbside.

You got to see him
walk on the plane.

And don't let him
go to the bathroom

'cause he will climb out
a window or flush himself

- down the toilet. He's slippery.
- I promise.

I am calling the dentist.

Bye.

Okay, out of the car.

No. I'm not going.

- Okay.
- I mean it.

I know you do.

I don't think you're
listening to me.

Of course I am.

Why are all these
people leaving?

Is there gonna be
some sort of invasion

that I don't know about?

No gate number yet. Let's sit.

I can just walk out of here,
you know. You can't stop me.

I have your cape, and
I'm not giving it back

until you step onto that plane.

You know, you're being
very silly. Flying is fun.

They bring you
drinks and food...

Oh, good. A last meal.

Here. It's from Susie.

It's used.

It's from Ethan.

So, I got a phone
call the other day,

which was surprising, since
I didn't know I had a phone.

It was from a man...

a talent manager.

And what did he want?

He said he'd seen
one of my shows.

He said he thought
I was very talented

and that I could be bigger
than Houdini, which is ridiculous.

I'm already bigger than Houdini.

Houdini was a very tiny man.

That's why he fit
so easily in a box.

Did you tell him you
already have a manager?

I did.

He said he knew Susie Myerson

and that she was
an elevator operator.

A what?

Someone you meet
going up or going down.

He said if you
want to be on top,

you have to get
off the elevator.

At the top, presumably.

Alfie, do you know why
you're getting on this plane?

Because you stole my cape.

Because you are about to
play a 2,000-seat room in Vegas.

You have top billing,

amazing accommodations,
and you are making

more money than you've
ever seen in your life.

That's not true. I
slept in a safe once.

Six months ago, you were
hustling drunks in a bar.

You were done.

No one cared what
happened to you.

No one except Susie Myerson.

I know that.

It's easy to see a diamond

once it's in the
window at Tiffany's.

It's a little harder
when it's throwing up

in a bucket in your office.

Susie is one of a kind.

You'll never find another Susie.

You just remember that.

Yeah, so that's Gate 4, right?

Hi there. This
is Alfie Zielinski.

He's on the 2:45 to Las Vegas.

All right, wonderful.

It's his first time on a plane,

and he's a little nervous.

I see that noted here.

Don't you worry, we'll
take good care of him.

Hello, Alfie, welcome to TWA.

We're going to be great friends.

Hey!

It's a little sign that tells
everyone who you are.

I won't have to explain a thing.

Call Susie when you
land. Have a great run.

And remember what
we talked about, hmm?

Welcome to the
TWA Flight Center.

Alfie, wait!

I have your cape.

Oh, I got it back an hour ago.

- Right down this way.
- Come on, honey, hurry! Don't lock the gate!

Miriam?

What are you doing here?

Oh, hi. I'm doing

a last-minute favor for Susie.
There was an emergency.

Oh, so for Susie she
could come out here.

For her parents, bubkes.

I'll admit it doesn't
look good, Miriam.

Susie has a client
who's going to Vegas.

She needed someone
to see him off.

I have yet to hear
anything remotely

resembling an emergency.

- Her tooth hurt.
- Should we give you a moment

to come up with a better story?

Why aren't you on
a plane right now?

They canceled our flight.

No, Rose. They did
not cancel our flight.

The flight is happening.

- They canceled us.
- What are you talking about?

They couldn't find our
reservations, and nothing else

was available, so
now we're going home.

We'll be there when you're done
with your very important favor

for the friend with a sore tooth

who did not put you
through Bryn Mawr.

Hey, why don't we
share a cab home?

- No.
- Hmm?

We came alone,
we'll go home alone.

Much like birth and death.

Okay. I'll wave to you
as I drive alongside

all the way back home.

You know, we seem
to be experiencing

a streak of very bad luck.

I don't know about that.

The dry cleaning, the dead
flowers at Thanksgiving,

I had two flat tires this week.

Now suddenly our
plane reservations.

What is it? What's the matter?

Rose?

Nothing. Let's just go home.

All right.

Let's beat Miriam to the taxis.

Yes, I know

the flight was canceled.

What I'm just trying to
figure out is how it happened.

Was the woman who
canceled by any chance Italian,

very intimidating?

Or was it an Irish woman
with a very thick Irish accent?

You know, "That's a
lovely hat by the way."

Yes, that's an Irish accent.

I'm not an
impressionist, forgive me.

Rose! I got a taxi! Let's go!

One minute! Well,
could you hear anything

in the background then,
like screams, perhaps?

Hacksaws or bones breaking?

Rose! Come on!

I'm not joking.

Rose Weissman, I'm
leaving without you!

I have to go. My
husband's having a fit.

Abe, for God's sake!

We lost the cab.

There'll be another cab.

Like there was another flight?!

Now arriving at
Gate 10, Flight 192

from Los Angeles.

Now arriving at Gate 10,

Flight 192 from Los Angeles.

- Hello.
- Hello.

First time traveling?

And carrying things, yes.

Can I, uh...?

Rothstein, Myers,
Friedman and Yabromowitz.

Your rabbis?

My lawyers.

Ah.

Well, you don't
want to lose this.

No.

They charge by the word.

- Mm.
- Double for the bad ones.

So, you're taking a trip?

I am West Coast bound, yes.

- Really?
- Yes.

Gonna see what an
L.A. holding cell is like.

I hear 72 and sunny.

No humidity.

How have you been?

Good. Really good.

Good.

Are you off somewhere?

No. I just forced a
very nervous magician

to get on a plane by
holding his cape hostage.

I did that last week.

The bastard left rabbits
all over my apartment.

Mm.

So, how long are you
gonna be out west?

Don't know.

I've got some gigs lined up.

I rented a house.

Wow.

You're a man with a lease.

It happens to the best of us.

Well... I...

think you'll really enjoy L.A.

With all the... sun and...

oranges and Disneyland.

- All the things you love.
- Oh, I'm sure I'll find

a cloud or two to hide under.

My kid's gonna come
stay with me for a while.

Lucky girl.

Yes.

Well, I should probably go

find a plane heading west.

I'm sorry I didn't call.

Oh, no. We don't do that, right?

Okay.

You take care.

Lenny!

I'm not gonna blow it.

I'm gonna hold you to that.

This is the final boarding call

for Flight 191 to Los Angeles...

This is the final boarding call
for Flight 191 to Los Angeles...

Excuse me. Sorry.

It's a $1.50 cover

with a two-drink minimum.

- Any sign of Joel?
- Nothing.

And he locked the
cash up in his desk.

I'm using my mad
money to make change.

Here you go. Enjoy the show.

Oh! Finally!

Archibald! My
faithful companion.

Okay, so Archibald
is not my name.

Sure, it is. Archibald,
short for Archie.

No. Archie would
be short for Archibald.

Like I said, Archibald,
my faithful companion!

Hey, we should get some horses.

- Uh...
- Get some boots and chaps.

Ride out into the sunset.

- Catch us some varmints.
- Yes.

Something to
consider. Not the chaps,

but the rest we can talk about.
Hey, where have you been?

I just stopped off at a bar.

You own a bar. Why are
you stopping off at a bar?

Variety is the spice of life.

Allow me, pal.

How are you tonight, beautiful?

Thank you.

Absolutely. So what do
you think of the place?

I'm the owner, so, any
problems, you just come to me.

Excuse me, we were
having a conversation.

In here? No.

You want to talk, you
go to a quiet restaurant.

Take a walk on the beach.

You come here to drink, dance,

to get close enough
to smell her perfume.

- Hey!
- Joel!

There's a terrible
martini olive problem

that needs your
immediate attention.

The place falls
apart without me.

I'll be right back.

No, he won't. No, he won't.

Ladies and gentle...
Hey, stop playing.

Jesus.

You see a man is
up here trying to talk?

Fucking musicians.

Hello, everyone.

My name is Joel Maisel,
the owner of the Button Club.

You know, the great thing
about owning a club is that

all the things that made
you look like a loser

before are now part of your job.

For example, right
now I'm not drunk,

I am doing research.

And I am a very hard worker.

Hey, I got a laugh.

See? We don't
need this shitty band.

No way, pal.

I used to want to do
this for a living. Comedy?

Oh, yes. But, turns out,

my ex-wife is the one who
had the talent for comedy.

Ah, you know her.
Yes. She is very funny.

First time I saw her onstage,

she spent ten minutes
talking about my jockey shorts.

That's ten minutes
more than she ever

spent washing my jockey shorts.

And I will admit, as a man

it was a little hard
listening to your wife

talk about you onstage.

But now that I'm up here,

I'm thinking
turnabout is fair play.

Right?

Okay, well...

My wife has great tits.

Really stellar. Right, Archie?

Never seen 'em. Wouldn't know.

He's shy. His wife
has good tits, too.

Not like mine, though.

My wife has Olympic
gold medal tits.

Who else's wife has great tits?

All right, buddy, that's enough!

Come on, get off the stage.

Raise your hand there, man.

Your wife's look pretty good.

Unless that's not your
wife, in which case...

What are you doing
later, gorgeous?

Okay, everybody!
The bar is open.

And next round's on me.

Seriously, Joel,
get off the stage.

I'm just joking around.

Fucking joking.

Fine. Whatever.

Hey, how about some tunes?

He just called us shitty, man.

Hey, tell us a joke!

Hey.

Hey!

You.

You did this, didn't you?

You couldn't just
let us figure it out?

She still would have
been a fucking doctor.

How many goddamn
times do I have to say this?!

Say something! I'm right here!

Go back upstairs.

Hey, there you are.
How'd it go with the dentist?

Mm, yeah. It went great.
Very thorough guy, terrific guy.

She's a woman.

Well, the deep voice fooled me.

You didn't go, did you?

Nope, I'm cured. Amazing, right?

I'll deal with it later.
How's the night going?

- Great.
- Oops. What happened?

I'm so rusty, Susie.

Last set, I was
grasping for a punch line,

and I rhymed
"mittens" with "tittens."

What's "tittens"?

Beats the fuck out of
me. But I said it really loud

and smiley like it was
supposed to be hilarious.

It was not hilarious.

Don't sweat it, this is where
you work out your rustiness.

Go ahead, suck. We'll get
a drink after, compare notes.

Okay.

Hey, can I get some ice?

- For what?
- You want to read my diary, too?

Shit. Is that Gordon Ford?

- Where?
- There! Follow my hand.

Yeah, that's him.

Boy, he's much better
looking in person.

Fuck. Fuck.

What do I do? Should I
go tell Midge he's here?

No. That will fuck
with her head, right?

Or will it light a
fire under her ass?

Fuck. I don't know. Protect
her head or her ass?!

Jesus Christ, I
told her to suck.

Maybe a little nudge is good.

Right? Okay, I got
to think like Midge.

What would she
want? I don't know.

Shit. Shit. Fuck. Cock.
Why are the lights changing?

- Am I having a stroke?
- The number's done.

Oh, it's done. The
universe decided.

Bring me a Scotch with
a whiskey in it, okay?

What the fuck are
you standing there for?

Oh. I just get really
amped up, you know?

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

It's nice to be here.

So...

I am just really full

from Thanksgiving still.

Which is not a joke.

It's more of a disclaimer.

My son, he likes these
weird leftover combinations,

like, like turkey and gravy

between two pieces of pecan pie.

It tastes...

bad.

Does anyone know if
it's gonna rain tomorrow?

Don't say tittens,
don't say tittens.

Wow, that was
a really bad start.

I think I'm gonna start again.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen!

Ignore the woman who
was here a minute ago.

She's gone.

Like your alibi tonight, sir.

Your friend fell
asleep at a strip club.

I'd hate to see what it
takes to keep him awake.

Hey, you know what
I discovered today?

You can take your
kids to the airport,

put them on a plane, and
just fly them somewhere else.

Technology is amazing.

It used to be, for that
kind of peace and quiet,

you had to leave your kids
on the steps of a church.

And the dangerous thing is not

that you're sending
your kids off

with complete
strangers on a vehicle

that has something
called a cockpit.

No.

The really dangerous thing
is that once they're gone,

you have a chance
to remember what life

was like without them.

Right? It all comes
flooding back.

The clean floor.

The calm apartment.

Your goddamned waistline.

Sex.

Sex where you make
it all the way to the end.

Or at least your husband does.

- Ah. Got you, fucker.
- Sex anywhere!

In any room, on any appliance.

Well, almost any appliance.

I'd steer clear of
the cake mixer.

No more turning the
volume on the news up

so when your kid asks
what those loud sounds were,

you can say "Khrushchev
was banging his shoe again."

I am going to admit to you
that, as scary as a threat

of a Soviet takeover is, a
small part of me is thinking,

"Well, that'll cover blow
job Fridays for a while."

All right, my time is up.

I'm wanted in hell.

Please return your friend
to the upright position.

You have been a kind
and forgiving audience.

Don't forget to
tip your waitress.

She's saving up to send
her kids to Pittsburgh.

I'm Mrs. Maisel. Thank you

and good night.

- Again with the arm.
- Get Midge.

- I'm working.
- Quick, hurry, go.

Did you just tip me? Holy shit.

Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Excuse me?

Mr. Ford?

Oh, there you are.

I'm, uh, Susie Myerson.

Of Susie Myerson and Associates.

Okay. Well, hello,
Susie Myerson.

How'd you like the show?

Uh, I didn't see much of it.

Oh, you saw my comic. I
saw you watching my comic.

You were watching
me watch the show?

I didn't even take my top off.

What'd you think? Honestly.

- Your girl's funny.
- She is.

And kind of a looker, hmm? Good
package for TV, don't you think?

- Well...
- Why don't you

put her on your show?
I think she'd be a big hit.

She's not right for my show.

Why not? Too funny?

Too downtown.

I'm playing to the cornfields.
But, yeah, she is good.

She can do cornfields.

Sorry. But good luck.

Okay.

Put her on your staff.

- What?
- Your writing staff.

I know you don't have
any female writers.

You sell soap. You
know who buys soap?

- Laundromats?
- She can help you with those jokes.

How do you know I don't have
any women on my writing staff?

- Just a hunch.
- Well, my wife has been saying

that the show could use
a woman's perspective.

Sounds like your
wife is a smart lady.

- Smarter than I am.
- Susie.

Aha, here she is. Miriam Maisel,

I'd like you to
meet Gordon Ford.

Gordon Ford, Miriam Maisel.

Nice to meet you.
You're a very funny lady.

Well, thank you. I'm
a big fan of your show.

- And you, by extension.
- Want to come write for me?

I'm sorry?

Susie Myerson
and Associates here

has been talking you up.
Says you could be my woman.

Writers' room-wise.

Oh, no. I-I'm not a writer.

- Sidebar.
- What?

Sidebar, sidebar, sidebar.

- What's at the sidebar?
- Do you trust me?

Yes.

Take this job.

- I don't want to be a writer.
- Of course not. No one wants

to be a writer, but this
job gets you in the building.

And once you're in the
building, you will get in his face,

and you will make him fucking
laugh every time you see him.

And finally he will see
you for what you are,

a goddamn star.

This is it.

This is the break.

You in?

I'm in.

Gordon?

We accept your offer and
we are super excited about it.

Okay. We'll start her Monday.

Mike, make it happen.