Original subtitles

But I might die tonight

I don't want to work away

Doing just what they all say

Work hard boy and you'll find

One day you'll Have a job like mine

Cause I know for sure

Nobody should be that poor

To say yes, to say no

Because you happen To say so, say so

You say so

I don't want to work away

Doing just what they all say

Work hard boy and you'll find

One day you'll Have a job like mine

But I might die tonight

Hello? Oh Susan, come to my office please. Right away.

As you know, the job pays reasonably well.

And if you work hard, who knows?

You may end up behind this desk one day.

Come in.

This is...Nick.

Michael. - Oh, I'm sorry. Michael

He's new here. Tell him about his duties. He's to start at once.

Turn that off!

Now...you'll get your wages every Saturday.

Good, son? - Thanks a lot, Gov.

None of your "Gov" in this establishment!

It's always "sir". Don't forget!

Please...Thank you, sir. - All right.

There's a storeroom there where you can leave bits and pieces.

Cashier's desk...Down this corridor's the main baths.

Men's on the left, women's on the right.

That's my boxroom down there with the door open.

You've got one on the left.

Your first job? - Yes. I thought it would be all white.

I only left school at Christmas.

You'll be all right here... You can leave your coat there.

I'll show you the pool.

Come on.

- Will I be allowed to swim there? - Yes, anytime you want...

Come on, this way. I'll show you what to do.

Keep going, you won't be so cold.

I'll explain to you about the bath.

That's the toilets there. Both those doors there.

As I said, there's your boxroom on the left...

And that's my section.

Come here, handsome!

You'll get yourself great tips, even better than mine.

What do you mean?

Number 4 hasn't been done out. I'll show you what to do in here.

Well...you know, old chap,

ladies of a certain age tend to favor polite and obliging young boys.

So do some gentlemen.

Yeah...

- First you... - I'm not to wait on ladies, am I?

We'll see.

First, you scrub it up.

I know some women will tip you 10 bob for nothing really,

just for imagining things.

Yeah...

After some of them,

this is quite a job.

Then you lay out a clean towel, soap, a dry brush,

a mat, a bathrobe and a sheet...

- Can I help you do it? - No, it's all right.

And wipe the masterpieces off the wall.

And don't believe everything you read, as the teacher said.

When they're in here they're all supermen.

Right. Can you remember all that?

Towel... No, wash it...Towel...

Bathmat...

Bathrobe...

Sheet...

- And? - And masterpieces.

Right. That's a bit rough, but it'll do.

Right. We'll go and get you changed.

You've got shorts and a t-shirt, and a white coat like mine.

Here you are, your first customer.

I'm sorry...Please, come in.

Number 5 I think please sir... Just down there.

Hang on, I'll get a towel!

What did you say? Number 5? What's the number got to do with it...

No sir, please sir, number 5 is down there. Yes, number 5.

This is number 2.

Come...

Towel, sir, please...

Soap perhaps... - Up yours!

- Soap! - Up yours!

A bathrobe?

Hello? Hold on, I'll see if she's here.

Susan!

I can't find her. Sorry... - Yes?

There you are.

There was a call for you.

Sorry.

- Who? - A man of course.

Of course.

- Mike? - Yes?

Mike, be a dear and look after my section for a bit, will you?

I've got to pop out for a couple of minutes.

There's a customer I know in the waiting room. She's a decent sort.

Put her in...

Cubicle 3.

Yeah, but...

You're not worried, are you? All right?

All right, Susan.

And don't call her "Gov".

The girl attendant isn't here Madam,

but I will show you to your cabin.

Lovely.

Your...

cabin...

You're new here, aren't you?

Yes.

- You keen on football? - Yes, Madam.

Would you get me a shampoo for medium-dry hair?

You'll find it in the girls' boxroom.

Come in.

- Oh, it's you, boy! - Your shampoo, Madam?

- Would you help me with this? - Yes, Madam...I...

The buttons as well.

Yes, Madam.

Careful boy, you're so rough!

I'm sorry, lady...Madam. Will that be all?

No, this is a bloody nuisance as well,

you might as well undo it while you're here.

- Look...no...I don't know how. - All right, if you're so useless...

Thank you, Madam. - Wait a minute!

Here...take this and get out.

No really, thank you, it's okay, nothing really, it was nothing.

Who will be the first in?

Shoes off!

Everybody!

Come on, come come come...

Having a good time?

Help!

Help! I nearly fainted. I think the water was too hot!

I can't get any...

It's just...If I could just rest.

- Look, I'll get Susan. - Wait! Please...

Suppose if something really happened...

I mean, it wouldn't look good, would it...

if you were in here with me...

Just waiting...until I got some clothes off.

Are you...are you keen on football?

All the boys are, aren't they? One way or another.

It's always tackle... dribble...dribble...Shoot...

Yes, but...

Why don't you look into my eyes? Look, boy!

Stop it, stop staring at my tits!

What position do you play in, boy?

Where do you play?

It doesn't matter, they're all the same now, they're all playing all over the pit...

Pushing hard, backing tight, screening the ball...

Tackle, tackle, dribble, dribble, shoot!

Keep your eyes up, boy, it isn't decent!

Did you see Georgey Best score those six goals at Northampton?

Six of them!

The second one when he got his head...

Do it! Just a touch!

It flew in.

Or that other one, when he dribbled across the field...

A dummy-close...dribble... dribble...And shot!

Now he just pushed it in...

Just glided it in...slowly...

just inside the posts.

Oh no! You can't keep Georgey out!

Oh, boy!

Boy...Georgey...Best!

Get out.

I don't need you anymore.

Mike!

Mike?

Mike!

- What are you doing up there? - Is it okay to be up here?

The manager never comes up here.

- What is it? - It's just some birds up here nesting.

Really?

Here, this is for you.

Ten bob?

From that fat beauty.

How was it? All right?

- I don't want the money. - Come on, don't be so childish. You keep it.

- I don't want it. - You keep it!

- Sue, I don't want it! - Mike!

I helped out a bit here while you were busy with her.

Thanks.

You see what I mean?

You can pick up quite a bit, really.

You don't have to do anything for it.

Just go along with the gag, that's all they want.

Do you think we better go down?

I'll...

I'll pick them out and tell you when to swap.

Chop...

That sounds like my dad!

- Chop, Michael! - That sounds like...

Hey, let's have some service here!

Could be my father.

Mom! Dad!

Mom, look...this is for gents only. You'll have to...

Nice welcome we get!

It's your mom's bath night, son.

Mommy's boy!

Better late than never, if you ask me, eh son?

Please Mom, go in the Women's. You'll get the full treatment.

Okay? The full treatment!

- How goes it, son? - Oh, it goes all right.

Sue, Sue! You know that woman you got in there? It's me mum!

So what?

Be nice to her! Give her the treatment.

- It's too late. - What?

I had to put her in her place.

- But why? - She deserves it.

Sue, what are you saying? I told you, it's me mum!

Your mum is a cow.

Sue...Sue!

Don't say things like that! It's not nice.

She's a cow.

Your mother's a silly old cow! Yes!

She can't be, she's dead.

It's too...I'm sorry...

- Good night. - See you at home.

Reading on duty?

Mike, I'll see to things in your section.

There's a lady waiting, will you see to her?

My mum left this for you.

Did she? Go on, go on!

I'm afraid the girl attendant isn't here,

but I'll show you to your cabin, Madam.

- Are you new here? - Yes.

But I don't like football.

Can you fetch me a bottle of shampoo, please? - Yes.

That's no good. I need a medicated one.

If it's no good, it's no good, what can I do?

- It's your medicated shampoo. - Thanks.

Thank you.

Sorry.

Sir!

Mike!

It's good to see you again! How are you? - I'm fine, sir.

You like working here? It's fun, huh?

It keeps me fit, down along in your class.

Does it?

Not bad!

I expect I'll be running into you now and again.

In winter I take a bath here occasionally.

See you around.

Come on, get your clothes off, what are we laying about for? Pete?

Thanks.

- Where do you want it? - Let's sit over here.

- Cheese and pickle, is that all right? - Yes, great.

- Here, look at this! - Great!

It's like the bleeding outdoors!

- We should be swimming! - Look at this lot! Look!

I feel like an organ grinder, look at this!

Look! - All right.

Look at the old one up on the board there!

- Bet you can't do that, Mike. - I never tried.

There's always a first time.

Hey, that's her! That's the girl!

Oh, to be a sandwich, now that spring is here!

Why don't you go change in the mens' room? You can't change out here!

It's all right, she's seen it all before, hasn't she?

Hey, you can't swim like that!

Have you had her yet? Have you been up there?

Got around there? She any good, is she?

Give us it back!

Go and get it!

You bloody sow!

Push him! Come on, push him!

In the water!

- Go get him! - That's it!

Hold him down!

Come on!

Come on then!

Don't let him get away!

Here you are, they're quite dry now.

No good?

You see it's the same every night in winter.

It never starts on its own.

One of these days I'm really going to give her one.

What?

That girl Susan.

Right mate, you jump in the driving seat. And I'll push.

Release the clutch very slowly. Once we're going it's a bit of a lick.

Do you know how many people have made her?

- Yes sir, can I help you? - It's all right, I've already talked to the manager.

Oh great, it's these! Did you read about these?

Can I have one, to put in my room? - Yes, of course.

Thanks...fantastic.

- Did you see it in the paper? - What does it say?

It's that thing from the Family Filing Association.

It's the pregnant man. I think it's a good idea.

- Stupid. - It gives you quite a shock, doesn't it?

- It's completely stupid. - Cheerio! - Bye!

- Why is it stupid? - Because a man can never get pregnant.

That's hardly the point. The point is the shock.

It makes you look at it, and then you think about...

Perhaps you ought to think about...

About what? The whole thing is stupid!

How can a man ever be like that?

You can tell... Look, you can see it...

It's just...wait, you can see it's just a cushion here!

Shut up!

Sit down.

Put your feet up here.

Lie back. Just relax.

Just relax. Relax...

Sue, what are you trying to do?

Lie down.

There. See? - Sue, it's just a poster.

Fantastic! You can be pregnant!

Susan, stop it!

Wait a minute... I've got a better idea.

- Didn't a customer come in? - Hey, stop that.

We can't be arrested for defacing government property, can we?

Defacing... Go ahead, defacing...

Lie down, lie down!

Oh, that's fantastic!

Yes, it's really good! It's very good!

Doesn't that feel nice? Do you feel it kicking?

- What? - The baby, silly!

Stand up.

Yes, it's not bad.

Would you be more careful if it was you that got pregnant?

What?

Would you be more careful if it was you that got pregnant?

Mike?

I can't be more careful than I am at the moment.

What do you mean?

I just mean...that I'm... I've never...

- Never? Really? - No.

Don't you want to?

Of course I want to, but not like some of these people who...

- Don't get embarrassed. - Always going around girls...

- You're all red now. - No I'm not.

- Yes you are. Honestly! - No, why should I be?

You're quite red... There's no reason to be.

You always get so silly when I talk about sex.

- No I don't. - You do.

Would you fancy it with...

Do you think if...

The cashier?

Don't joke.

I'm not joking.

You'll have to stay late one night,

and you'll see her lonely, voluptuous figure.

Standing waiting for you.

Susan, don't joke about this.

I'm not joking.

Give us a kiss. Give us a kiss!

Mike!

- You know what, Sue? - What?

I could see you home tonight if you want me to.

You know what?

My fiance's picking me up tonight.

Nice weather for ducks, isn't it?

I don't want to see this.

- Why not? - No, it's silly. It's dirty.

You're not going to have one of your moodys again, are you?

Come on!

Two...Eight and sixes, please.

17 shillings, sir. Thank you.

Thank you.

- A pack of those chocolate things. - Treats?

- Thanks. - Thank you, sir.

There are surprises even in sexual life.

According to my latest findings,

a woman has 3,267 erogenous zones.

So...

Good evening.

There are many misleading theories about

the subject of women who are so-called "fr�gid".

Books have been filled on the subject.

Many, many books!

But these are pseudo-scient�fic studies.

Therefore I have come to the conclusion that there are no fr�gid women.

Dear friends, it all depends on you.

When properly manipulated... dear friends,

scientifically speaking,

excited, porno,

you can prepare your sexual partner

to the highest level of sexual satisfaction.

So...

What's up?

- This bloody bastard's touching me up. - What?

- I'll get the manager. - Yes.

Sue, you know it's me. It's only a joke.

Sit down!

There, that's him!

Sir, you should be ashamed of yourself! At your age!

Shall we get the police? Do you want to charge him?

- Do you want to charge him? - Of course I want to charge him!

- Of course she wants to charge him! - Well, get the police!

- Go on, then! - Right on it.

- Move up! - Do something.

You're making a bloody fuss, not me!

What's the matter with you?

Shut up.

For Christ's sake, bloody move up!

- What's going on? - Shut the bloody door!

That's him.

Get the light out of my eyes!

Come on, son, get moving!

Get up!

- I hope everything's all right now. - Yes, thank you.

Enjoy yourselves.

What is the matter with you?

Christ!

So you see, a little love goes a long, long way.

What exactly were you doing to her?

I love her.

You perverted little monster!

I'm not a perverted little monster.

Let's get that couple in.

We can't press charges without their evidence.

Get them in. - All right.

- How old are you, son? - 15.

- 15? - 15.

15...And you had no right to be here.

This is an X film.

They're not there, they've left!

- Are you sure? - Yes, I'm sure!

Then there's no charge.

Wait a moment... Maybe there is!

How old would you say this boy is?

About...18.

- 15! How come you let him in? - 15.

- 15? - Yes.

Performing manipulations of this kind at 15?

- But I was... - He looks much older!

I'll have to talk to the cashier!

She had no right to sell him the ticket!

You know if it happens again,

we've got a note of your name and address.

You won't get off so easily next time. Go on. Buzz off!

Now then...

Well, gentlemen... Have a drink?

Gin and tonic.

I only mean that if you want me,

you should understand that others want me the same way.

They like me too. - How can you compare me to him?

He's just a kid. Scaring him is enough.

A kid? Pawing you from behind like that?

That's what you always try to do: Paw me.

Why didn't you charge him in the cinema?

You said you were going to charge him. We got the manager!

When we're married you can look after me.

For the time being just let me take care of things in my own way.

Yes...Come on...

- This man's trying to molest me. - One of those again, eh?

- What? - Just one moment, sir...

Did he speak to you? Did he make any indecent suggestions?

He's trying to touch me.

He was sitting behind us in the cinema. He tried to...

It's all right for now, sir.

Are you charging him, boy, with importuning?

- He doesn't even know what it means! - Yes, I want to charge him.

All right, your name sir, please.

Look, I can explain this situation to you, it's quite... - Your name!

- Is that what...Look, he's gone! - I'd still like your name.

On what are you going to base the charge? What is it?

Importuning, sir!

Why are you always doing that?

I could use the extra bob.

Anyway, I'm bored.

Everything gets boring after a time.

Your fiance seems a good sort of chap.

He's okay.

- He phoned me first thing this morning. - Yeah?

He must have a few bob.

When's the happy day?

Not just yet.

But I might decide tomorrow, as a matter of fact.

Tomorrow? Why tomorrow?

We're going to buy the ring.

Do you think I should have a diamond...or a ruby...

or maybe a sapphire?

Afterwards, we're going to go have something to eat somewhere, I suspect.

A little celebration.

Then we're going to Skol.

Skol? What's Skol?

Mike, what are you doing?

It's a night club...Mike, stop it. Stop wasting my cotton.

Here, give it to me.

It's dirty. Look at what you've done!

Madam, excuse...Could you please, you're not allowed in here.

Could you go...outside?

This is for the attendant only, you know.

Keep an eye on my section, would you Mike?

Somebody get a fire extinguisher! Go on!

What's going on?

Oh my God!

What's going on?

Where's the fire? Who set off the alarm?

Where is he?

Who sounded the alarm?

Just a moment!

Now just a moment!

Who did it?

Ladies!

Ladies, return to your section!

You're not allowed to mix with the men!

- There is no fire. - I know.

I know it was a false alarm. I apologize for any inconvenience.

Return to your cubicles.

I'm going to write to my councillor!

Now then!

Don't think I don't know what's going on here.

Unpunctuality!

Tea leaves thrown down the toilet!

Cigarette ends in the cubicles!

And there was a dirty towel!

Just lying in the main corridor on Tuesday afternoon!

Just see it doesn't happen again!

I can't stop it! I can't stop it!

What are you doing?

That monster goes on forever!

She knows best how to clear this up.

- Take it over here. - Can't stop me going, anyway.

Keeping me out of the way.

Good afternoon, son.

I'd like to know where your...

toilet is.

The toilet? The toilet? Yes, it's...

You see... It's one, two, three on the left.

Thank you.

Mike!

Get out of my way!

Mike!

Stay out of my way. You're crazy!

Hey, it's Sue! Back it up! Back it up!

Susan!

Susan stop, my bike! You've ruined my bike!

Mike?

There's a customer for you in my section.

No! I told you Sue, no more swapping!

No it's not! She asked for you by name.

She knows you.

Kathy, Kathleen something or other. - Kathy!

A girlfriend?

I haven't got one.

Kathy, where are you?

I'm here, Mike!

Don't be so shy, Mike. Come on in.

- What brings you here? - A bath of course.

Your service has become quite famous, you know?

No really, the boys told me you were here.

You had a fight over that girl, didn't you?

Yes. She's not my girl, it's just that they were asking for it.

I was just curious.

You never phone anymore. What's the matter?

Do you still want to...

Look Mike, it's all right now. Since you've left things have happened.

Kathy!

It's all right now, Mike. It's all right now!

Kathy, stop it! I don't know how to explain.

It's not you, you're all right.

It's just that...

I don't know, all that old scene seems so strange now.

As if it were someone else. Not me at all.

I'm sorry, Kathy.

Hey! Don't forget your tip!

Let me take it, Madam.

You'd like some of this, wouldn't you?

Susan, can't you see I'm busy?

I'm very lucky not having a weight problem. I can eat almost anything.

You're very quiet this morning. What's wrong with you?

Just sign.

Excuse me...

Excuse me a moment...

Yes? Can I help you?

Have you seen a couple come in? The girl's a redhead...

very good-looking, you couldn't miss her.

One went in about 10 minutes ago... With a dark, balding gentleman.

Oh no, the bloke's got a lot of hair, sort of horse-faced...

Actually there were two gentlemen...

Good evening, sir...The other man may have been a bit horsey!

- How are you? - Oh fine, thank you.

That could be them.

I'll take a single.

- Are you a member, sir? - A member? No.

In that case I'm afraid you can't go in, sir.

Not unless you want to enroll and pay your membership fee.

- How much is that? - Three guineas please, sir.

Fill in this form, please.

And I'm afraid there's another 12 and 6 for your first drink.

- Hello, darling. - Good evening.

Here we are.

Take this.

Thank you.

Look, couldn't I go in without a drink just this once?

I'm afraid it's not possible under our rules.

Do you still wish to join?

- Can I use your loo? - Certainly, in there.

Hello Angie. How's your love life?

Good evening, sir. And you? Thank you.

This is my fiancee. Not bad, eh?

Here you go then.

I'll see you later!

Thank you!

I'm terribly sorry... - Good evening, Madam.

Sorry...

Step this way, please?

I'm sorry...

It's warmer inside, sir.

Hop in.

- How much is a hot dog? - 1 and 9, sir.

Yes, all right.

With mustard?

- 1 and 9, please sir. - Thank you very much.

Thank you, sir.

Live show, sir? On now.

Only 10 bob. She takes everything off!

Film show too sir, you'll find it very educational!

- Hot dog, please. - With mustard?

Yes.

1 and 9, please.

- Thank you, sir. - Thank you.

Live, continuous strip-tease... Show's on now.

18 lovely girls with nothing on and nowhere to hide.

They're all beautiful, not a stitch on.

It all comes off here, everything's on show!

They move, they dance, everything moves.

It's a beautiful show. A good clean show with lots of lovely...

Birdies in here, sir...

Everyone hand-picked by myself. You coming inside, sir?

Hey, you coming inside? You've got to see the show.

It's worth every penny you've got.

10 bob to get in, sir 10 bob!

What are you doing with that, sir? Put it down!

Hey, put that down!

As naked as the day they were born, only bigger and juicier!

Nothing on and nowhere to hide.

Step inside sir, the show's on now.

Continusous show! Step right inside sir, the show's on now.

Where did you get this poster?

Angelica Continental, born in Manchester.

Why don't you ask her yourself, if you can afford her? A very expensive girl.

Step right inside sir, the show's on now.

18 beautiful girls, nothing on and nowhere to hide!

- Thank you sir. - Thank you.

I say sir excuse me sir, are you coming inside sir?

Try your luck, sir!

Hold on.

- Sorry. - Who is it?

Where's that lulu? Who's stole Angelica?

Hey, where's that Angelica? Have you seen her?

It's me! A customer, yes. A customer.

Can I come in? - Yes, of course you can!

I'll be busy now. Well dear, what can I do for you?

Could I stay for a while, please?

Please do. Welcome! Don't be shy.

- Could I wash my hands? - Yes, over there.

Thank you.

You got a match?

A match? Yes.

You're all trembling, why?

I've been... I've been running a lot.

Have a drink, won't you?

Thanks... Well, how much is it?

Be my guest.

Thank you.

Why don't you take a glass?

Why make it dirty...

Well, I...

What do you do, boy? Are you at school?

- No, I work. - Where?

Come on, sir. Where is she? Where's Angelica?

I'm a public baths' attendant.

Nice job, is it?

Well it could be worse.

Pays well?

Yes, quite well. I got my first 10 quid today.

Today? Any tips?

Yes...10 bob. I got 10 bob once.

10 bob? He must have been a queer. He must have fancied you.

Be careful, boy!

No really, it was nothing like that. It was a lady.

A lady? What did you do for her?

Nothing, really. I think she was a bit soft in the head.

Kept on talking about football.

Oh? We're probably in the same line!

Football, eh? Are you a football fan?

Yes I am...

Hang on. Come here. Let me show you something. Come!

Look! You know him?

Yes! He's great, he plays for West Bromwich.

Yes, well...

I see you're not working, so I'll have to go.

What do you mean, not working? I've never needed work more.

There's no insurance in this kind of business.

Do you know how much I'm worth?

No.

I used to take 5 quid for a short time.

It's 2 pounds 10 now, of course!

Close the door.

Oh, it's Angelica! Do you fancy her as well?

- Do you know this girl? - Depends on what you mean by "know her".

Yes, but you know her name!

What do you do with all your money, boy?

I keep 3 pounds and give the rest to my mother, but do you know...

Seven pounds? You're mad! What do they need it for?

They've no shame!

- Well they feed me... - Well they should!

They brought you into this world, haven't they?

They've had their fun. They can pay now.

They want to have it free?

So you've only got three quid left?

You can't imagine the things we can do for three quid!

- But you said 2 and a half. - Yes, 2 and a half, of course.

Let's not waste any more time. Where do you need her? There?

You just want to see her when you do it, is that it?

It's easier for you, eh? - Stop it, please.

Look, I have to go now.

You think you can just go and leave a girl in this state?

I don't have to pay you, do I?

What do you think? You've had my time, my drink, my emotions?

You made me nervous!

Look, come on, stop it, give it to me!

Give me the thing, give it!

Where's that girl? What have you done with her?

Come on, where is she?

Sod!

Come on, you pervert!

Come on, I want her back!

Come back! Come back!

Come back, you two!

You dirty foreign pervert! Come back here!

- Can I help you, sir? - Did the young couple come out yet?

No, I don't think so.

- But they were here? - I think so.

Excuse me sir, would you please read this? It tells you about Christ.

We want to talk to you today about the Lord Jesus Christ.

There are two things you can be certain of in this life.

One of them is the fact that the sun is going to rise tomorrow morning.

The other is the fact that one day there's a coffin waiting for you.

The Bible tells us there's no way out.

- Where did you get that? - These men gave it to me.

No, not that. The hot dog!

- Just here. Look, I'll show you. - I'd fancy a hot dog.

Do you? They're nice, they're very good.

I've got one, thanks!

Here, look! Over here!

Look.

- Oh, they're lovely! - Two more customers for you.

- I'm ever so hungry! - I'm starving!

Have one!

What are they doing? Do you know what they're going on about?

I don't know. They're giving out...

Do you know what they're going on about?

Here, we're gonna have a hot dog then?

...Sin is death. You are a sinner!

- Smells super! - Go on!

Three hot dogs, please.

- With mustard? - Yes. - Oh, please!

Yes!

It's my debt to follow Jesus...

Don't laugh at them.

Thanks. Is...

Thanks very much!

- 5 and 3 please, sir. - 5 and 3?

- I don't have any change! - No.

You don't? Here.

He's got a quid.

Here, should we sing?

- Thank you, sir! - Thank you very much.

Aren't you going to sing?

Which way did you say Piccadilly was?

Piccadilly...

It's just down there, you can't miss it.

- Ole! - Come on!

Ole!

No sorry, because I've eaten too much.

But please, sir!

- I mustn't, my stomach... - With my compliments, sir!

Yes please, with pleasure, yes! Thank you very much!

- 73 Cornwall Gardens. - Leicester Square tube.

You know we've only got the pad for tonight, haven't we?

Look, we're almost married!

- Leicester Square tube. - 73 Cornwall Gardens!

Wherever you say.

Sir?

Everything's up! Everything's coming!

Want to see the show, Madam? It's a lovely show, Madam!

Come see the show, Madam. It's marvelous!

Hey! Hey!

Come back!

Look Sue, look at this!

Mike! Where did you get that? What is it?

What is it? That's exactly what I'd like to ask you. What is it?

- What do you mean? - I mean it's you, isn't it?

It does look like me, doesn't it?

- It is you. - All right.

- Is it you? - What do you think?

- You're not like this, Sue. - Like what?

Like that! Look at it! Is it you?

I'm much worse than that!

- It can't be you. - Why?

- Because you're not like that. - What am I supposed to be like, then?

Let me sit down.

It's you, isn't it?

You make up your own mind about that.

- If I were one of your... - Yes, what would you do?

What would you do? Would you buy me a ring like that?

How much do you think that cost? Look at it!

- 10 quid. - Ten times that much!

- I'll buy it for you Sue, I'll buy it! - Don't be silly, I've already got it.

- Give it to me. Give me the ring! - You're mad!

Susan, sit down! You've got to tell me whether it's you or not!

Sit down! Susan!

I've just about had enough, stop it!

- What do you think you're bloody staring at! - Sit down and behave yourself!

Go on and look at it! Look at it! Stupid!

Just sit down, for God's sake!

Give me my coat.

I suppose you're gonna see him now?

After you've got engaged to the other one, you're going to see him?

Well you can't, because he sleeps with his wife! It's no good!

Then I'll have to see him some other time then, won't I?

Has he seen the poster?

Has he seen it? Because I'll show it to him tomorrow at the races.

I'll show him this! See what he thinks of you then.

You're not going to the races, are you?

Don't worry, I won't cause you any more trouble.

Hup! Hup! Hup!

Get in line. Now, steady!

Keep them moving, left and right.

Come along. You'll soon be off.

Now get in line, boys!

Get in line!

- Hey you, get back in line! - I've got to fix my shoelace!

On your marks...

Get set...

- Mike, this is a school... - You try and stop me!

Hey you, push off!

Go home!

Come on...

Get off the track! Get off!

Only two more laps to go, come on!

Only two more laps! Come on!

Mike, you little bastard! Come here!

I'll get you for this! You little bastard.

Who the hell do you think you are?

Come here, I've just about had enough of you!

- My tooth! - I'm sorry, Mike.

I'm sorry, I was very angry.

My tooth! You've knocked my tooth out!

You shouldn't have done that to his car, you really shouldn't!

But you knocked my tooth out!

- All right, I said I'm sorry! - Give me a mirror.

Here you are.

Oh my God!

Oh, no!

Oh no, it's not your bloody tooth! Look!

Oh shit!

It's not my tooth!

You spit it out, didn't you?

- Yes, I spit it out... - You didn't swallow it?

No.

Oh God! Help me look for it!

- How big is it? - How big is it? You saw it yesterday!

Do you know how much that cost? - Sue...

- He's going to be really pleased with me. - Sue, it's no good!

- That's just great! - Sue it's no good, stand up!

Stupid!

Look, will you help me look for it, Mike?

Sue, it's in the snow. Stand up!

Oh Christ, yes!

Stay where you are, don't move!

God, this is impossible!

Don't move!

- So stupid! - Stay in the circle, Sue!

Anywhere!

Don't move, I'll be back in a minute!

But Mike!

Oh, God!

Get out! Piss off!

Piss off!

Christ, what's that bloody dog doing there?

I'm trying to...Go on!

What are those for... Yes, I see.

Well then what?

Leave it to me, I know what I'm doing.

I hope you do, for your sake.

- Don't move around, Sue! - I'm not.

I keep thinking I see it.

Look, I'll make a path.

It could be anywhere. It could even be on these.

Now walk in the path!

Now come out.

Hip, hip, hooray!

The last little bit...

- I don't think we missed any. - I hope not.

- You didn't swallow it, did you? - No, I didn't swallow it.

Here, take the shovel. Can you manage?

Yes, come on.

- Where we taking it? - To the baths of course. Go on!

- It's empty! - Yes, I know.

I forgot. They emptied it out for the weekend.

- We can still use the bathroom. - No, everything's locked up!

I'll have a look in the manager's office, that must be open!

Hey Sue, look what I found!

- Where are we going to plug it in? - There's nowhere here I don't think.

Hang on, I'll just try these lights.

What are you going to do with it, anyway?

You'll see. Watch!

Now switch them on!

Right, this will be fixed. Switch on the light.

All right, now come and help me.

Did you lose any on the way down here?

Yes, but I picked it up again.

Now we can start melting it in the kettle. Give us it.

Put some in there.

Careful!

Mind out, if you can't do it properly, I'll do it myself!

Mike, do you think we'll ever find it? It's going to take hours doing it like this!

Don't worry. We'll find it sooner or later. - Will we?

Christ, I'm hungry!

Look, we'll try it under here. Quick.

- What are you going to do? - Pour it down here.

- Will it go right down the grating? - No, this will stop it.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

Now pour it here. It's going to trickle out down there.

If you see the diamond, don't touch it, because it'll be hot.

- Wait, I've got a much better idea. - What?

It's a much better idea. Hang on a minute.

Mike, don't be silly. It's no time to get embarrassed.

Look. Strain it through these.

- Through that? - Yes, come on.

- You'll ruin your tights. - It doesn't matter, come on!

That diamond's worth 1200 pairs of tights.

Come on, you pour it through.

- It's not that valuable. - It is, I told you!

- All right. Ready? - What do you think all of this is for?

- Okay, hold it then. - All right, get on with it!

- Don't let it dribble down. - I'm holding it, aren't I?

- I'm only doing my best. - I know.

Come on.

Don't burn me.

Keep your fingers back. Keep...

What's that? Wait a minute! - No, it's not.

Keep looking for it. Mike? Keep looking for it!

Keep quiet, for God's sake!

Go around...!

If you keep quiet they'll go away.

All right. All right.

Take it up there and get some more snow.

Sue, are you there?

What the hell are you doing there?

I was knocking at the door, didn't you hear me?

Why didn't you answer me? - I'm sorry, I didn't hear you!

What have you done to my car? You punctured two tires!

I can't even remember when I punctured one!

Give me the key!

Give me my cap.

Give me the keys.

- I'm awfully sorry... - Give me the cap, come on!

I don't know where they are. Have you got a spare set?

But I gave them to you!

I said I'm sorry, I don't know what I've done with them. That's all.

Come on, give me the cap.

Oh, your bloody cap!

Now listen. Get your coat and your bag and come here!

It serves me right. Seeing stupid kids!

Hurry up!

Hurry up!

Come on, come on, get a move on!

No, I won't!

Susan, what's wrong with you?

Will you stop ordering me about, that's all.

But I must have my key!

Have you got a spare set of keys or haven't you?

- Yes, I've got a set... - Where are they?

They're at home, I can't go home and ask my wife for the keys.

Not at this time of night. I can't go out again.

That's your problem, isn't it?

If you've got a spare set of keys you're all right. So you can piss off.

Piss off? After all that I've done for you?

Piss off?

After what you've done for me?

After what...I'll tell you what you've done for me!

You spoiled everything, everything!

Why the hell did you have to be the first? I'll tell you why!

Because you have to be the first with everyone, don't you?

You couldn't bear to be second. Then they'd have someone to compare you to!

Then they'd see how bloody hopeless you are!

That's why you're so tinky for schoolgirls!

They don't know any better, do they? Poor little things!

They think you're really quite good, don't they? They think it's exciting!

The way you grope and push and you're so bloody hopeless!

You make me sick!

What do you think you've ever done for anyone?

You're pathetic!

You're pathetic!

How you ever make it with your wife, I don't know!

If you ever do! What about those children? Are you sure they're yours?

Piss off! Piss off!

Bastard!

Pouf!

Susan, this is the end.

What are you doing that one for? We've got all this to do yet!

I thought we could do this one...

- Come on, let's do one at a time. - All right.

Annoying!

I'm sick of being ordered about!

Oh God, I'm dropping bits now...

Come on. Let's turn it on and get this lot.

Bring those down here. Hey, what if you have swallowed it?

- I told you Sue, I haven't swallowed it. - Are you sure? - Yes.

Come on.

God, I'm so hungry! - I'm not.

Come on!

This is going to take hours, isn't it?

I think I'll phone Chris, tell him I'm going to be late.

I think I'll phone Chris. Tell him I'll be late.

Chris? Hello darling, it's me.

I'm going to be late. There's been an accident here at the baths.

It's nothing serious, it's a burst pipe.

How do you expect me to feel? I'm furious!

Because I live near here and the manager's away.

I'll have to stay so they finish.

Don't you believe me?

Well that's great! That's all I needed to hear!

I expected a bit of sympathy, but...

I'm ringing from the manager's office, you can ring me back and check!

5-2...Yes, you know the number.

Right.

I'm not saying I'll definitely be late, I just might be.

There's four of them hard at work, you can hear, listen!

Mike, what are you doing? I wasn't on the phone long!

Couldn't you work without me?

Mike, what is it? Are you ill?

Mike, come on, let's get on with it!

I know you're tired, but come on.

Mike, what's the matter?

What are you doing?

Did you find it?

Mike, did you find it?

Where is it?

Mike, come on, don't mess about. You found it, haven't you?

Where is it? Mike, where is it...

Give it to me.

Come on, give it to me! Where is it?

Don't swallow it, give it to me!

Don't swallow...

It's all right, Mike. It's all right!

Oh, Mummy!

Chris? Hello, darling. Guess what? They just finished.

So I won't be late. I've just got to get dressed now.

I've got to put my coat on!

Yes, me too.

Very much.

Sue, please. Please don't go.

Please Sue, I... - It's all right.

Please Sue, I just want to talk to you about it...

No Mike, I've got to go. Honestly.

Sue, you can't just change like that after being like that...

- Mike, take it easy. - Sue, just talk to me about it.

Mike, just leave it...

- Just stay here... - Stop going on about it, Mike!

Susan, where will you be?

Mike, let me go!

Just explain it to me...

Everything's going to get wet, Mike!

Come on, we'll talk about it tomorrow!

It's all about your bloody diamond!

Yes it is! Come on, give me back the towel!

I won't give you the towel until you stay here and explain it to me...

Just tell me what you want.

Sue, just...

Was it different with the teacher? What about your fiance?

Tell me, Sue. You've got to tell me!

Give it to me!

Mike!

Don't! Please!

Subs by ironhills for KG