Original subtitles

[BRIGHT, UPBEAT MUSIC]

MEL BROOKS: "The Fall of the Berlin Wall".

[CROWD CHEERING]

GERMAN MAN: People here have been living with the wall since 1961,

and now, it's time to break the wall down, you know?

[CHISELING]

Smash harder, Hans! The other side of this wall is freedom!

- A new life for us awaits. [LAUGHS] - Yes!

- Hans, I have to tell you something. - Ja.

- I'm pregnant! - What?

With your child!

- Mine? - Yes.

But, how...

With your penis.

Mein Gott, that's amazing!

Our baby will be born in a free world!

- With blue jeans on. - [BOTH LAUGHING]

- [HANS GRUNTING] - Oh.

[YELLING]

On the other side of this wall,

there will be McDonald's everywhere!

GRETA: What a momentous day!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Wrong wall.

- O... oh, so sorry. - Oh.

No, no, it happens all the time.

- Sorry. - Auf wiedersehn.

Oh no!

[EPIC THEME PLAYS]

MEL: History of The World, Part II!

MEL: "The Story of Jesus, the Council of Nicaea"

♪

In the year 325, the church gathered

their most powerful bishops at the Council of Nicaea

in order to solidify the story of Jesus.

Their goal?

To make the Bible an international blockbuster.

[THICK MIDWESTERN ACCENT]: Now, we are very familiar

with the story of Jesus,

so let's just jump right into it. How about that?

- MAN: Great. - MODERATOR: Okay. So,

based on these marketing materials,

what do we think about this guy?

Ah, yeah! The J-Man!

That's why we're all here, right? I loved him.

- MODERATOR: Loved him. - Love him.

- He was great. - Yeah, totally, really good.

To be honest, there was something a little off about him.

- MODERATOR: Oh. - Yeah, he wasn't totally relatable

- to me personally. - Mm.

- Yeah. - Say more.

His whole thing is being good and fair, right?

So, maybe, like,

he should be fair...

and fair-skinned?

- Hm... - MODERATOR: I just wanna make sure I'm, uh,

getting this right. You want Jesus to be white?

- BISHOP: Huh. - No. That's not what I'm saying.

Don't you put words in my mouth, lady.

I wasn't thinking that at all, but now that you say it...

- I didn't say it. - I do think that would be worth trying.

I think it really makes a lot of sense.

Yeah, that was a great idea of yours.

You know, you should really give it a try.

Everyone just keeps saying it's my idea. It's not my idea.

- Give it a shot! - That was a great idea.

What did we think of his message?

RED BISHOP: I mean, the message is great,

- but... he seemed kinda wimpy. - Wimpy?

BISHOP: Yeah, I mean, he's the son of God,

but he let them kill him. I mean, didn't his dad teach him Krav Maga

or some shit? Like... [GRUNTING]

Oh. I'm trembling.

If I was Jesus, there's no way I'd let that shit happen to me.

- I would fuck those Jews up! - [LAUGHING]

BISHOP: Always fuck up the Jews, yeah.

Well, oh, uh, you mean the Romans, right?

What?

You know, that's a great point. Who are the bad guys in this story?

- Right? - Yeah. I think it's better

if there's just one bad guy.

- I agree. - Yes.

MODERATOR: Okay, okay. Would you guys rather have

the villains be the Jews or the Romans?

- ALL: Jews. - Oh.

- Make them the Jews, for sure. - Yeah.

Th-they run everything.

- You wanna blame them for that? - BISHOP: Yes.

- Okay. - RED BISHOP: Before we go any further,

can we do the collection basket? I think that's...

Oh, yes! Of course. Here we go.

- Yes, yes, yes. - Yes. Great.

- This looks nice. [LAUGH] - Right?

RED BISHOP: Mangia, mangia.

- Oh, you're just... - [COINS RATTLING, KISSING]

Money, money, money. I want that money. [LAUGHS]

- Hey, hey, don't bogart that basket, pal. - All right, all right, all right.

- [BISHOPS LAUGHING] - MODERATOR: Oh, my God,

you're all gonna roast in Hell. Every single one of you.

Let's talk about... Mary Magdalene.

That really scares me.

Oh, so hot! That was the mom, right?

Nope, the other Mary. Is that confusing that there's two Marys?

- Yeah. I missed that. - Very. Very.

Oh, you did? So maybe, we should change it up.

Do you have a name you prefer for the other Mary?

I don't even know if I know any other women's names.

I do have one idea, just to give a little texture.

- Yes! [LAUGHS] - It's the year 325.

- Let's give her a job. - I love this.

I would just make her a prostitute.

- Oh. - BISHOP: I think that's good. Yeah.

I'm saying that as a father of daughters. I think it's a good thing.

Honestly, not to pat ourselves on the back,

but I do think we're, uh, being pretty progressive

giving Mary a career, right?

Yes, that is the first... word I think of

when I think of all of you, is progressive.

We're breaking the stained glass ceiling.

MODERATOR: You know what? I am gonna get all these good thoughts

to the Pope, he's gonna confer with God,

and then we are gonna have a brand new version

of Christianity coming soon.

If you do see the Pope, please tell him I said hi. He's a friend.

Oh, no. He'd never talk to me 'cause I'm a woman.

[LIGHT DRUMMING]

MEL: "Teddy Roosevelt"

MALE ANNOUNCER: Tired of your pals calling you a pantywaist?

[OLD-TIMEY MUSIC]

Gone from fab to flab?

Then, scrooch up...

[EAGLE SCREECHES] with America's most hard-boiled president.

[CLANG] Not that one.

We're talking about the war hero, boxing champ,

big-game hunting, wilderness exploring,

kept giving a speech after getting shot,

- 26th president of these United States... - [BELL RINGING, WHIP CRACKS]

- Teddy Roosevelt! - [ROARING]

It's your boy, T. Rose,

the trust-buster and the gut-buster,

and I'm here to get you absolutely shredded!

MALE ANNOUNCER: With a brand new series of phonographs

for aerobic athletics and calisthenics,

where you'll learn to...

build muscle!

Roosevelt muscle!

[YELLING]

MALE ANNOUNCER: Burn fat!

I'm not much of a cardio boy,

but you need to get a sweat going.

So, grab your big stick, swing it all around

and give it seven to 800 swings,

or until your rotator cuff turns to chutney.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Self defense!

Find a monopolist...

- Hello, sir. - Oh.

... and then, you want to best him physically.

What's that now? Oh!

Your days of hoarding copper are over!

MALE ANNOUNCER: But wait, there's more!

Telegraph now, and get volume two,

T. Rose's Gut Buster Double Trouble,

featuring the president's own workout partner, Neville.

Neville, how many Australians have you killed?

Australians? Several.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

MALE ANNOUNCER: But wait, there's more! Order now,

and get the president's secret post-fitness tonic for free!

We have lard butter, clotted cream,

a little bit of suet, and the blood of one plump rooster

for iron and for flavor. Here we go.

Mm.

Oh! [STOMACH GURGLING]

Ah! MALE ANNOUNCER: Order now. Only 33 cents,

plus shipping and processing.

[JAZZY MUSIC]

♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, then to DC ♪

♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪

♪ She's Shirley ♪

♪ It's been a long, hard road, but hope was never lost ♪

♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's unbought and unbossed ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

ANNOUNCER: Shirley! is brought to you

by the actual presidential candidate Shirley Chisholm,

and filmed in front of a live Black audience.

[FUNK MUSIC]

CONRAD: Ho, ho, man. I can't wait to get to Miami.

I'm gonna have myself a daiquiri and do the samba.

And support your wife at the Democratic National Convention

in hopes of her being elected president?

- Yeah, and that, too. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hey, is that mole on your face moving around?

- What mole? - CONRAD: The mole right here.

- Conrad, keep your eyes on the road. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

FLO: Shirley, I know you wrote a speech,

but have you considered the song that I...

I'm not doing a damn song!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, look! A churro spot! Should we stop?

BOTH: Shut up, Conrad.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING LOUDLY]

Shut up, audience!

[FUNK MUSIC]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

This is a Howard Cosell impression reporting live

from the Democratic National Convention.

The stars are certainly out in Miami tonight.

[SHIRLEY SCOFFS]

- They stuck us in the loser section! - FLO: Mm-hmm.

No, they didn't! Look, there's Rosa Parks.

- Where? Ooh! - Excuse me. Hi, hi.

I am so sorry. A... a-are you Rosa Parks?

Yes!

I'm so sorry. I-I think you're in my seat.

[AUDIENCE JEERING]

- I am not doing this shit again. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It might take me a while to get to the stage,

but once they hear my speech,

- it will be worth it. - CONRAD/FLO: Mm-hmm.

Hi, Shirley. Sorry, Muskie ran along with his impressions,

so we had to cut your speech.

But thank you for stopping by.

[AUDIENCE AWWING]

I thought we had a chance to win,

but clearly, they didn't take me or my campaign seriously!

Well, Shirley, baby, they may not take you seriously,

- but we do. - Mm-hmm.

And we are here for you no matter what.

- CONRAD: Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

It means so much that you're sticking by my side.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Is-is that Diana Ross?

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Ms. Ross! Ms. Ross!

Those other Supremes ain't shit!

As long as my husband is with me, I'll be fine.

- I'm sorry, baby. - It's okay.

No, I'm sorry. There's a churro guy down there,

and I've always wanted to have a churro!

Amigo! Right over here. Hola!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well, I guess I won't be needing this speech anymore.

MAN: Shirley Chisholm?

Oh, now what?

- [AUDIENCE CHEERS] - [BELL RINGS]

Muhammad Ali?!

Where? Oh.

Yeah, that's me.

And you are someone I greatly admire.

- Really? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So when are you getting up there?

Apparently never, champ.

Might be time for me to throw in the towel.

In this country, you can do anything you set your mind to.

Except dodging the draft. You will go to jail for that.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - So, get up off the mat.

Just go up there and tell 'em who you are.

Well, I am who I am.

I am unbought and unbossed!

- [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - That's it.

That's it! Now, get up there and tell them that.

All right! Thanks, champ!

- Knock 'em dead. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Hey.

You the fellow that kicked Rosa Parks outta her seat?

Uh, w-well, it's just that I'm an a-aisle guy...

Yeah, I'ma need to see you in the parking lot.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Come on.

[JAZZY MUSIC]

[CINEMATIC MUSIC]

[MIDDLE EASTERN VOCALIZIN]

MOVIE ANNOUNCER: In a world where greed is good,

- and God is as good as dead. - [JINGLING]

Jesus is gathering his forces.

He's becoming more powerful.

SOLDIER: Cancel him, Judas.

[EPIC MUSIC]

MOVIE ANNOUNCER: Bear witness to the journey of a man

who's run out of cheeks to turn.

Jesus, the apostles need you for one last mission.

Mark, my savior days are over.

You know who else's days are over? John the Baptist.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Dad damn it.

MOVIE ANNOUNCER: A journey that took him from the mother he loved.

MOTHER MARY: Son, this was your father's.

I never knew my father.

Neither did I.

Because you're a virgin, right, Mommy?

Oh yeah. Totally a virgin, yeah.

Never had sex.

MOVIE ANNOUNCER: And the love he could not return.

Mary Magdalene, I came to check on you and make sure you're safe.

I'm safe now that you're here.

- I can't. - But I won't charge you,

even though I'm a prostitute.

- Who's also the best computer hacker in Jerusalem. - [ROCK MUSIC]

The Romans are 30 klicks away and moving fast.

I'll be back.

In three days.

Vamonos.

[VOCALIZING PRAYER]

Was that other guy here the whole time?

That's fucking creepy.

JESUS: Apostles assemble.

- [BACK IN BLACK BY AC/DC] - ANNOUNCER: It's Jesus

as our white God intended.

Blonde, blue-eyed,

and fuckin' ripped.

- [CROWD CHATTER] - MAN: Get lost, Jesus.

We're lending money,

in a temple, at exorbitant rates!

[GUN COCKS]

Oy, gevalt!

- [YELLING] - [SHOOTING]

[ROCK MUSIC]

[GRUNTING]

[SLOW MOTION SHOOTING]

Ha...

... llelujah.

[BIRDS CAWING]

MOVIE ANNOUNCER: And when all is lost...

Goodbye.

[BACK IN BLACK RESUMES]

MOVIE ANNOUNCER: ... a new type of hero is found.

Miss me?

You're alive!

I came back because I left something.

- W-what? - Your sins.

[MEDALLION WHIRRING]

[BLASTING]

MOVIE ANNOUNCER: This Christmas, get saved or go to Hell.

- [METALLIC THUD] - JC Resurrection.

- [ZOOMING] - Wow. Jesus is bussin'!

You're right. He is bussin'.

Jesus action figure?!

This is the best toy in the History of the World, Part II!

Pew, pew, pew.

[ALL LAUGHING, CHEERING]

That's it.

- Are you kidding me? - That's the money.

- Wow. - I feel like I don't need to ask,

but I will anyway. How's everyone feeling

- about this new version of Christianity? - [OVERLAPPING CHEERS]

I mean, I love that! I mean, we got ourselves a franchise here!

I mean, that is a four-quadrant movie for sure.

Think of the merchandising opportunities alone.

- Also, uh, kinda hot, right? - Oh, my God.

He was hot, he was jacked, he was Caucasian,

he was just like me. Totally relatable!

Well, I guess we gave you everything you wanted.

It's always great when it works out

for white men in power. [LAUGHS]

Yeah, it really is. It really is.

I don't know how I'll sleep at night, but it's fine.

Oh, and don't forget to get your items from the hat check

on your way out. Okay?

Oh, lost my ticket. I don't have my ticket,

but I have... It's that one right there.

BISHOPS [OVERLAPPING]: And this is yours. And this is yours.

- And this is yours. - And this is yours.

- And this is yours. - And this is yours.

I'm sorry, you made a mistake. This is yours.

- BISHOPS: And this is yours. - And this is yours...

That's not mine. Oh, that's mine. That's mine.

- No. You have mine right there. - That's mine. There it is. Okay.

RED BISHOP: And may I get my staff, please?

I wish I could tip, but I only have big stuff,

so I'll get you next time.

♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪

[CROWD CHEERING]

COSELL IMPERSONATOR: It looks like the big winner

is the Motor from South Dakota.

It's over. It's over.

But wait, what do we have here? Ms. Chisholm?

Outta my way, Monday night goofball!

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Ouch.

[ON SPEAKER]: Good evening, delegates. Thank you for having me.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Can you hear me?

[SIGHS] All right. Let's try this.

One, two, three, four!

[FUNKY CRESCENDO]

Mm... Hit me!

[BRASSY FUNK]

Woo! Can you feel it?

This is wildly out of character for my wife.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

♪ This country needs some disruption to the corruption ♪

♪ Too much corruption ♪

♪ That White House could use some Black to cure its blues ♪

♪ Ooh-ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ In the ass, we're gonna kick it ♪

♪ With this sister on the ticket ♪

♪ Honey, get with Mama Shirley, and you can't lose ♪

♪ Baby, you can't lose ♪

♪ I'm fed up with all the jive and exploitation ♪

♪ Let them threaten, let them bully, I don't scare ♪

♪ She don't scare ♪

♪ I don't play nobody's fool ♪

♪ I take them white boys all to school ♪

♪ They don't give me a seat at the table ♪

♪ I'm gonna bring a folding chair ♪

♪ She's unbought and unbossed ♪

♪ I'm incorruptible ♪

♪ Unvarnished and unglossed ♪

♪ I'm indestructible ♪

♪ Unbought and unbossed ♪

♪ Yeah, that's right, I won't relax, I won't relent ♪

♪ I'm gonna be the first Black woman ♪

♪ President! ♪

- [CONFETTI POPS] - [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you, delegates!

Get on the Chisholm Express '72!

[JAZZY MUSIC]

♪ I'm unbought and unbossed ♪

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Ooh-woo!

Oh, Mom, you made me a cake?

Oh no, baby.

That's store-bought.

You came in fourth.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I thought I was gonna get to do a musical number.

I've been pitching that for four episodes.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But you know what, baby? Don't feel bad. You did great.

And we got a free trip to Miami out of it. And you know what?

You have opened up doors for generations to come.

Oh, Conrad, that's the dumbest shit you've ever said.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And that's saying somethin'.

Oh, come on now.

No, but really, baby. You didn't win,

but you opened doors for generations to come.

- Oh, Mama! - [LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE AWW'S]

Fuck that, man! I just said that!

SHIRLEY/FLO: Shut up, Conrad.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

- Shut up, Conrad! - [LAUGHING]

Okay. [LAUGHS] Okay, okay.

You know what? Fuck y'all!

Only reason I did this TV show was to help out your campaign,

and all I do is get treated like shit!

Man, I'm outta here!

- [THEME PLAYING] - I'ma do my own TV show!

You know what, it's gonna be about something I care about.

It's gonna be about law and order!

Now, I don't know what I'ma call it,

but it's gonna have a cool transition, like, "dun dun!"

And it's gonna be the best! The best!

♪

A Black woman will become president before that show ever works.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Can I have a piece of cake before I go?

Fuck you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

MEL: Wait! Where are you going?

Coming soon,

Don't miss History of the World, Part II,

season two.

See... "The Great Fascist Bake Off."

MALE JUDGE: Idi Amin, your cake fell flat, mate.

I thought killing the other contestants would give me an edge,

but there are no shortcuts in baking.

MEL: See... "The Dust Bowl."

- [WIND BLOWING] - [NEWSREEL RUNNING]

REPORTER: And it's a fumble! Oklahoma recovers,

or maybe Kansas does. And they take it to the 10,

to the five, touchdown Kansas!

- Or Oklahoma! Who knows? - [CROWD CHEERING]

I can't see shit! It's too dusty!

[DRAMATIC STING]

MEL: See... "Jews in Space"

- [LASERS BLASTING] - [ZOOMING]

MAN: Captain Mudman, we're in a bit of a pickle!

I know, it's a real half-sour.

Lieutenantman Silverman, give us a status update.

I'm single, but looking!

Well, we're doing an event in the JCC Saturn this weekend.

- Ooh. - I know there'll be

a wonderful guy there for you, but I mean a status update on the ship!

Oh, I can't operate anything until sundown,

which, in space, who can tell? Best I do nothing.

Fair enough. Borowitz, report!

Captain, the weapons system is loxed and loaded,

- but I got no schmear. - MUDMAN: What?!

- Joot! - JOOT: I am Joot.

You were supposed to bring the cream cheese!

JOOT: I am Joot!

I don't understand.

- The deli was closed yesterday. - [MUDMAN GROANS]

Dr. Kaufmanberg, do you have the results of my colonoscopy?

Yes, Captain, and it's not good.

You have ass-teroids.

Oh, no, ass-teroids!

[DROPS CHARACTER]: Wait, Wanda, can you be in this sketch?

I'm an executive producer.

Oh, okay, so you're basically Jewish.

Mm.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Captain, we're being boarded!

Hopefully by a doctor.

At this hour? Dayenu. Okay!

Uh, Dr. Kaufmanberg, you want to, uh...

I know, I know. I go first.

- Thank you, Doctor. - Thank you.

[DOORS WHIRRING]

[ALARM BLARING]

[ZAP]

[WHIRRING]

[MUDMAN GASPS]

It's the most powerful Jewish person in the universe,

Jesus Christ!

MEL: Well, the second most powerful.

Also, I brought cream cheese.

[ALL CHEER]

- BOROWITZ: It's Mel Brooks! - KAUFMANBERG: Oh, he looks great!

[EPIC THEME PLAYS]

♪

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -

[FART]