Original subtitles

Is there a statue of a recently deposed dictator

dominating the discourse of your downtown square?

Got a monument to a wicked white racist

that you want gone by yesterday?

Has an iron and/or marble effigy

to a shameful past

fallen on one of your friends,

smashing them to absolute smithereens?

Oh, no! Ooh!

Then you need to call me, Steven Santelmo,

from Steven Santelmo Statue Removal and Supply.

Me and my adult children will come to wherever you are

to remove the eyesore that you saw before you called me.

We've got the toppling tools you need

to get a fresh start.

Next card.

Why you're, uhh [muttering] or me. You're prob--

So come on down to our showroom,

which is near my family's home.

The home that I have been in a lengthy legal battle

with my siblings over for years.

Let's just say there's no statue of my brother Barry there.

Yeah, right. Barry could even pay

the fucking property taxes where I live.

He's a dud. His kid's a dud. His wife's a dud

Even his fucking dog's a dud. [bark]

That's why you gotta call me.

And even though my rat brother is no longer involved in the company,

this is still a family business. Come on.

Come here. Give Daddy a hug. There we go.

Hey, can you smile?

Jesus fuckin' Christ.

You're on a commercial with me.

♪ cheery music ♪

♪ epic theme plays ♪

MEL BROOKS: History of The World, Part II!

"The Story of Jesus"

[indistinct chatter]

[Irish accent]: I got about nine of them here! Anybody need a cable?

MEL: In 33 AD,

Jesus and his apostles were the hottest group in Jerusalem.

But, with the Romans looking to arrest Jesus,

the group got together

to record what would be

his final sermon. Here we go!

These are "The Last Supper Sessions." Go, baby!

APOSTLE [Scouse accent]: Here we go, here we are.

[studio chatter] Hello, hello, hello.

It's another peace and love. [guitar tuning]

Another beautiful morning.

Another camera morning.

PETER: Peace be with you, lads!

MARK: Ooh, we had a rough one last night.

LUKE: Mm.

Little bit too much of the myrrh.

PETER: You can overdo it on the myrrh.

[Scouse accent]: Hello, lads. Hello. PETER: Judas! How are you?

You guys remember Harry? MARK: Hello, Harry.

Luke. Good to see you, mate. Mark.

Did you, uh, change your hair there, friend?

Oh yeah, I'm just trying this new thing. What do you think?

Uh, can I get away with it?

I don't play that white dread shit, but, uh, you do you.

JUDAS: Yeah. Hey, Peter,

could you get me some milk for my cup of tea?

Judas! That's not what I do around here.

I'm a sound engineer!

I will say it is, uh, half past sand.

Someone's late again. [sighs]

Thinks he's bigger than Jesus Christ.

Well, he is Jesus Christ.

MARK: Right he is, he is. JUDAS: Point taken. Point taken, Luke.

MARK: Oh, speak of the devil! There he is. PETER: Jesus!

[sighs] Sorry, we're late, lads.

We had a little problem with Rolling Stone.

[Valley Girl accent]: We almost got run over by a boulder.

Almost smushed us like a latke.

Well, now that we got the whole band here,

just wondering if we thought about where we were gonna play the concert?

You know, it's a big concert film, so...

You know, one thought that I had was Rome.

You know, we could play Rome. Got a lot of friends in Rome.

[Jesus whistles] LUKE: I-I don't-- I don't know, man.

Nobody likes Judas' idea? MARK: No, it's not that.

It's a tough crowd. I'd love to do the Apollo Temple.

MARK: Oh, Apollo. PETER: Apollo's very nice.

Oh, acoustics are good there. Sure.

You know, we could always go to the top of Masada, you know?

The kids up there are, uh,

they're a little too horny, maybe.

Kids from Long Island... MARK: Kids from Long Island.

Feeling each other up.

[chuckles] Hate to be cliché, but what would Jesus do?

What would He do? What would you do? [Luke chuckles]

JUDAS: Certain people want to know.

Lads, I would just focus on the music.

[Jesus laughs] MARK: Oh.

JESUS: Just write the psalms, you know?

Our message will bring people in.

Well, it's easy to say when you control all the publishing.

Some of us only make money off the live gigs.

That's so materialistic.

We should just play in our souls.

JESUS: We should... MARY: Don't you think?

[both giggling] LUKE: Okay! [laughs]

JUDAS: Alright. Can somebody, uh, just tell me,

when exactly did Mary join the band?

[Luke groans]

JUDAS: I mean, I thought we were the "Fab 12,"

but I guess, it turns out we're the "Fab 13."

That's an unlucky number, isn't it?

I mean, she's one of us, isn't she, mate?

I wrote the chorus for Let It Baah.

JUDAS: Hm, don't remember that psalm.

- [falsetto]: Let it... - Baah!

- Let it... - Baah!

- [higher]: Let it... - Baah!

- [lower]: Let it... - Baah!

Hey, lovely Peter milky maid,

you wanna get me that cup of tea and toast?

JESUS: Ooh. MARY: Unleavened, please.

Thank you, Peter. Now, it's time to make some hit psalms!

JUDAS: And figure out where we're gonna perform!

MEL: Previously, on "The Civil War"...

♪

Ulysses Grant and Honest Abe Lincoln's son.

Any last words?

We are three Union soldiers on a rescue mission.

Hang 'em! DIXON: Shit.

- Nervous about dying? - Nope. Need a drink.

[gunshot] [crowd gasps]

RT: What's going on? GRANT: We're escaping, that's what!

Thought they was gonna save Grant without my help.

[scoffs] Dumbasses.

[bird screeches]

♪

[loud yawn]

General Lee, I, again, apologize. General Grant should be here...

momentarily.

It's just here in the South,

we afford people common courtesy. [laughs]

Not all people.

Mm.

[imitates]: Mm.

Robert E. Lee is not gonna surrender

- to a man in his goddamn skivvies! - I think you look great, sir.

Todd, I put on 20 pounds since Gettysburg.

I need a uniform.

You, Private!

Strip down!

Okay, Daddy!

I need to end this war, so I can get a drink.

[aroused panting] Come on, come on!

Why would you let me take that guy's uniform?

You said to never correct you ever again, sir.

Correction! Not all the time!

Have you been watching anything good recently?

Oh, I've been, uh, binging campfires.

- Mm. - You?

I tried watching rivers, but I just couldn't get into 'em.

Ooh, stay with it. [laughs]

GRANT: Ah! [door bangs open]

[grunts]

Sorry I'm late, but I'm here now, in my uniform.

Why don't we sign this treaty and end this war?

[laughs] Alright? Here we go.

Right here.

Ah, ah, ah, ah. [tap]

Bobby, you're up.

This is truly the most difficult thing I have ever been called on to do.

Uh, yeah. Just go ahead and sign it.

- I pray that this never happens again. - Right next to where I put mine.

As a boy, my father taught me...

Oh, what'd he tell you? What'd he tell you?

[muttering] ...sign to end the war!

Huzzah! Who wants a drink?

I do. You want a drink? You want a drink?

I'm buying. I'm buying--

My God!

This place was impossible to find!

I had to parallel park my own horse.

- Who are you? - Who am I?

[wild laughter] Who am I?!

[chuckling]

Who am I...

Ah, yes! I...

am Maurice Cheeks. Notary Public.

I am the official that makes anything you wanna make official

officially officialized. GRANT: Oh!

I also perform the occasional bris.

Sir, we've already signed the treaty.

♪ dramatic sting ♪

You what?!

You signed the treaty?!

Who told you you can sign?!

You can't sign without the notary public present!

Tell you what, you signed nothing!

This treaty is useless! It's garbage, I tell you!

- No! - Garbage!

The civil war is still on! Ah! [Grant groans]

Jesus Christ, why didn't somebody tell me my ass was this big?

Sir, this is important. What if I said...

"pretty please"?

With sugar on top?

[begging voice]: Please?

- Well, I do have a sweet tooth. - Alright.

Alright, but next time, you two follow directions, get it?

- Yes, sir. - Alright.

- We need a new treaty. - New treaty!

- New treaty.

- New treaty! - New treaty!

On the table, alright.

Now, you, in the oversized uniform, you sign right there.

Yes, sir. Right there. [sighs]

Nicely done, and you, hot Santa, right over there you sign.

♪

[soldiers groan] LEE: Sorry, boys.

Alright, let's make this official.

Goddammit! I brought my mohel bag!

Useless, unless anybody wants

- to take a little off the top. - No, thanks.

Alright. We'll improvise. [throws bag]

Improvising! [spits]

There it is! Official!

The Civil War is over!

And now, we triple kiss!

ALL: Mwah!

- [light music] - Who am I?

I just wanna know why am I the way I am?

Why do I like the things that I like?

I have a hard time eating dairy, and I always wondered why that is.

I love riding horses.

What is that about?

I'll tell you what it's about.

I'm Kublai Khan,

and I had sex with all these people's ancestors.

And you can find out if you are my progeny as well

by signing up for khancestry.com.

When I first heard of khancestry.com,

I thought $600 is a lot of money,

but I've learned so much about myself.

I knew my mom's second cousin was Flip Wilson's wife,

but this is way cooler.

I've always had this overwhelming urge

to conquer and unify Eurasia.

So, you might be asking yourself,

what's all this shit about?

Genghis Khan, AKA my grandpa Gengie,

started the biggest empire the world's ever seen.

And I took that shit to the next level

by creating trade routes to the west, establishing currency,

and balling my brains out.

[arrows popping] My empire even extended into Russia!

That makes sense though because, see, my ma is Russian.

My dad's Italian, though. Hey, yo.

Alright, so a few years ago, I started growing out my ponytail,

and my coworkers started making fun of me.

They asked me if I worked at Guitar Center,

and then I realized that I was related to Kublai Khan,

who also had a ponytail, so fuck you, Corey!

I cheated on my wife for years, but I never knew why.

It's literally in my DNA to spread my seed

as far and as wide as possible.

So, I told this to my wife, Gloria, and she said,

"Nah, that's bullshit."

You know, I'm related to Kublai, too,

but, uh, I didn't fuck the babysitter!

First of all, it's not like a teenage babysitter. This woman is 48.

And second of all, she's a nice lady. She's going through a rough time.

I'm just trying to help her get on her feet.

Yeah 'cause she's spending a lot of time on her back,

with you on top of her, like a big ol' fucking manatee.

After I got my khancestry.com results,

I took dairy out of my diet,

and the rash on my back cleared up within weeks.

Oh yeah, I can't do dairy. Also cashews.

So that means no almond milk?

No, no tree nuts of any kind!

Let me tell you something about little Miss Perfect over here.

She tells everyone that she was in the Rockettes.

She was not in the Rockettes!

You don't listen, Barry.

The Rockettes are a group of my girlfriends

who are fans of the Rocky movies. That's all.

I walk around the street, and I'm like,

"Are you the spawn of Khan? Are you the spawn of Khan?

I'm the spawn of Khan!"

[laughs] Everyone thinks I'm insane!

With the right leader, we could unify the tribes.

The Golden Horde is coming for you.

- Khan! - Khan!

[deep, echoing]: Khan!

Go to khancestry.com and get a testing kit today.

Find out who you are, so you can be the best you, you can be.

Which is me.

- Which is me. - Which is me!

Which is me.

♪

MEL: And now, back to "The Last Supper Sessions."

[instruments tuning] PETER: Oh...

[quiet chatter]

Come on down to the carnival.

It's the carnival!

You know, last night Yoko, was, um--

I'm sorry, who?

Mary. I said Mary.

MARK: You said Yoko, mate.

JUDAS: She's so clearly Yoko.

It's not one-to-one, but she's clearly Yoko.

R-right, but it's not-- just not one-to-one.

So, d-don't try to make direct comparisons. We're not--

Lads, you're distracted from the point, mate. Like, last night,

she was doing her body art on me... MARK: Mm.

...and shrieking in my ear,

I-I just had this divine inspiration, right?

And it was a lyric.

"Lovely Lucy, lovely."

[singing]: Lovely Lucy! [playing guitar]

♪ Lovely Lucy was a pharaoh's daughter ♪

♪ Pushing camels through a needle's eye ♪

[shutter snaps] MAR: Ooh. What if Lovely Lucy

was a little bird, and she flies down,

and she's wearing little wellies 'cause it's raining out,

and she's splashing in little puddles?

And it's-- it kind of, like,

rainbows start kind of-- JUDAS: Yeah.

You see little rainbows in their eyes, you know.

I think keep going, mate. JUDAS: Anything for the chorus?

Do you have a-anything for the chorus? JESUS: What if we, uh, what if we try...

[playing rock guitar]

♪ Give back, give back ♪

♪ Can't just take it with ya ♪

♪ Gotta give back ♪

LUKE: Woo! You're beatin' around the bush too much.

You're talkin' about giving back. You gotta say cash.

You change the verse.

♪ Give cash, give cash ♪

♪ Or you can go to Hell and burn the fuck up ♪

See what I'm sayin'?

JESUS: You're the best marketer I've ever met,

but I just wanna bring people in, innit?

- MARK: It's about peace and love. - Peace and love, mate.

- JUDAS: Peace and love. - Yeah, I get ya.

♪ Get Back -style riff ♪

♪ Lovely Lucy was a pharaoh's daughter ♪

♪ Pushing camels through a needle's eye ♪

♪ She said, give back, give back ♪

♪ If you wanna get to Heaven, gotta give back ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Woo! ♪

[cymbals ring]

- MARK: That was a nice one there. - Yes!

PETER: Oh, lads! Lads, I'm sorry.

[sighs] I recorded nothing.

The shells, they were all turned the wrong way.

JUDAS: Nothing? PETER: I'm sorry!

- JUDAS: Are you fucking kidding me, Peter? - Oh God.

Peter, this is the third time you've gobbed up the shells, mate.

I'm sorry, Jesus! I didn't mean to betray you!

[sighs]

[struggling shofar blowing]

Oh, the fucking shofar is broken, Peter!

Statues, statues, statues.

Steven Santelmo,

from Steven Santelmo Statue Removal and Supply.

Maybe you love statues.

Well, we are the number-one reseller of statues

in the tri-state area.

We have thousands and thousands and thousands of used statues.

When we take 'em down, everybody dances around,

then they go home and w-- these statues just sitting around, like,

I'ma take these statues, you know?

We got Vladimir Lenin.

We got Robert E. Lee.

We got Nicolae Ceausescu.

We got a wax Putin.

And we got the mother of all deposed dictators.

♪ intense music ♪ That's right, ladies and gentlemen,

we got him, Saddam Hussein.

They couldn't find weapons of mass destruction,

but I found his fucking statues, not my brother Barry,

who couldn't find his own thumb if it was wedged up his ass,

which it is half the time.

Hey, Barry, you're not allowed in the commercials.

I don't care what Dad said before he died.

We got more horses... [horse neighing]

I can't even tell you how many horses statues.

And, you know, fun fact about horse statues,

if one leg is up, I don't know what it means.

It's-- Someone told me once, and I could never remember.

Anyways, come on down to

Steven Santelmo's Statue Removal and Supply

for the deal o-of your dreams.

♪ upbeat music ♪

♪

MEL: "Amelia Earhart."

Untouched beauty.

Private beaches.

AMELIA EARHART: Wild birds. [splashing, laughing]

The Bermuda Triangle.

Join me, Amelia Earhart,

in this goddamn paradise,

where we are fully open...

Bar. Open bar.

[laughter] The Triangle is a gift to women like me.

Just ask my roommate,

Bessie Coleman.

It's a pilot's paradise.

Bessie, when did you know that you were a pilot?

I felt my first longing for the air

when I was in sixth grade,

but I didn't realize I was a pilot

until high school.

And now, you're a gold-star pilot.

[ding] BESSIE COLEMAN: That's right.

And this place is swarming with other pilots.

Traveling here is a breeze.

All you gotta do is get your father's permission

to go to aviation school.

EARHART: Take a three-day exam to get your license.

COLEMAN: Overcome your crippling fear of heights.

Get your hands on a bargain barrel plane

that your friends and family will beg you not to fly.

COLEMAN: Then, fly it anyway.

EARHART: Crash land it at the scariest part of the ocean,

thereby faking your own death.

So no one will find you!

Including your husbands.

Not an easy journey, but worth it.

EARHART: The Bermuda Triangle,

where no man dares to go.

And if one makes it here, we kill him.

[bangs bar] I love the Triangle!

[groans]

You hit some turbulence there, Cap?

Nope. I am a pilot in the '30s,

- and I wanna dance. - Let's cut a rug.

[women whooping] Wow.

- Yeah! You see this? - Uh-huh.

All the girls in New York City are doing this.

It's like an illusion.

It's just a short flight to Wonderland. [zooming, explosion]

Now boarding!

MEL: And now, back to "The Last Supper Sessions."

INTERVIEWER: You and your friends

are here at the studio every day. May I ask why?

Um, I like to hang around here

and just to see if I can catch any of the apostles.

Um, I'm totally a Judas girl.

He's just, like, a bad boy, and I like that.

[quiet guitar] MARK: We'll go under water

and have fun with my magic seahorse.

♪ We'll go underwater ♪

♪ And have fun with my magic seahorse ♪

She dropped it right in the fucking toast.

JESUS: Mate, I-I don't think

the "under the sea" theme is working, mate.

- Judas, what do you got? - Okay, I've got an idea. Okay,

how about this? It goes, um, I've got a feeling...

♪ I've got a feeling ♪

That white guys can have dreads.

[strums]

♪ I don't agree with that ♪

You know,

it's not that much of a big deal,

but if my ideas aren't going to be listened to,

then I think I'm just gonna leave. Hm?

- Judas... - I'm leaving the band now.

MARK: It's just like that.

Just walked out.

Mate, who did his hair, mate?

- It's a mess. - And just to be crystal clear,

I'm leaving this band.

Okay?

Leaves me a lot more time with all my side projects.

LUKE: Mm.

[exhales]

But I still wanna know where the show's gonna be.

Sorry, I forgot my keys. Does anyone know where my keys are?

[guitar riff]

Steven Santelmo Statue Removal and Supply

is going out of business, and I'm selling everything.

People that got canceled.

Hillary "Pizzagate" Clinton, I got her.

Christopher Columbus.

Nobody's touching one of those statues.

This guy founded America, and I'll never forget.

[echoing]: Everything must go.

Now, you might be wondering why a profitable business

would be going out of business.

And the answer is simple. Because of this fuckin' turd.

Him, his wicked wife, and his dud daughter

sued me for libel and defamation

because of my previous commercials?

Look at him. I couldn't believe I was related

to this piece of human shawarma.

So then, I pissed into a Snapple bottle

and sent it to khancestry.com.

When I got my results, I realized that I, too,

was related to Kublai Khan.

Just like Barry Santelmo.

Which means that we were actually brothers.

And nothing is...

[voice breaking]: is more important than family. Come on, guys.

- Come on out. - Hey, bro, how you doing?

[Steven mutters]

Finding out that we are both related to Kublai Khan

has brought us closer together as brothers.

And the good news for you is that we are teaming up

to offer you the best Mongolian statues in the... So--

- And the good news for-- Okay. - Stop. Take your time, take your time.

- Don't tell me how to do this. - No, no, no.

I been doing these commercials for years, alright?

We are teaming up as a family to offer you

the best Mongolian statues we can find.

We got 'em all!

- Genghis Khan. - Kublai Khan.

- Scott Caan. - Madeline Kahn?

We also have a statue of Sylvester Stallone. Not for sale.

That's my sister-in-law. She's supposed to be doing the books,

but now, she's on camera? I...

I told you I was gonna be on camera. I told you.

I was with her when she told you, Uncle Steven.

Oh, thanks, "Raven." Please, her Christian name's Samantha.

I don't know when she changed her name...

At least, uh, our daughter

didn't get busted at junior prom for selling ketamine.

- Hello! Your daughter. - Okay.

It was in the paper. It was in The Ledger, Steven.

Okay, first of all, excuse me. It was molly.

Second of all, it was senior prom,

so get your fucking facts straight. BARRY: Oh! Oh, okay.

F-first of all, uh, d-d-don't talk to my wife that way.

- [texting] - W-what? W-who are you texting, Barry?

No, it was, uh, it was a spam caller.

Oh, oh, what? Is that your new girlfriend's name now? Spam?

- Huh? - Oh! Hey! It's in my DNA!

Ah, yeah, your DNA is in every whore in town, Barry!

- Oh! - Okay.

You say that in front of our little girl! Where were you?

Bottom line is Santelmo's Statue Removal and Supplies

is now Santelmo Mongolian Statue Depot.

We got the best deal for you because you're family,

'cause you're likely related to Kublai Khan as well.

We never would Kub-lie to you.

ALL: Our prices "Khant" be beat.

Let me just do the last line myself. Leave me something.

♪ upbeat music ♪

MEL: And now, the grand finale of "The Civil War."

[horse whinnies] LEE: In conclusion,

I pray that I will still be remembered as a man

of great honor and dignity.

Alright, wrap it up and get on your horse.

[grunting]

- You're almost there. - Ye--

[loud fart] [horse neighs]

[laughing]

GRANT: Don't come back now!

[farting]

If I may be so bold. I know the war is over,

but I would love to continue working with you.

- [laughs] Is that so, young man? - Yes, sir. Uh--

If I could just assist you in any way, I'll do it.

Well, if you really wanna help me, there's one thing you could do right now.

- Yes, sir. - Get on the floor,

- and fuckin' dance! - Yes, sir.

♪

♪ One more time ♪

♪ electronic music ♪

[soldiers cheering]

Oh, whoa!

Oh, gimme, gimme. Ooh, thank you.

Woo!

Woo!

♪ One more time, we're gonna celebrate ♪

♪ Oh yeah, alright ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa!

[cheering]

RT: Yeah!

Fucking love you, dawg!

HONEYBEARD: Wow. This party's fantastic.

Well, the war is over, fellas. We can get back to our lives.

Yeah. [party fades out]

♪ poignant music ♪

I gotta say, the last 12 hours with you guys

have been the most fun I've ever had.

And I'm sorry, our show was hot fire.

Yeah, we really pulled it together in, like, three minutes.

I mean, we cut so many bits, we have enough for a season two.

Well, we'll always have those memories.

What if... we kept doing it?

Have memories? Yeah, okay.

No! Performing, singing, comedy.

Oh, my God, I am so in!

- Let's leave right now! - But where do we go?

I've been reading about this place called, uh,

uh, California?

I think it would be perfect for some guys like us.

Oh, I like this.

A career in showbiz would be healthy for an introvert like me.

I only have one question.

Which way to California?

Left until we hit the ocean.

[horse whinnies]

♪ triumphant Western music ♪

[cars honking]

This is insane. It's 2:00 PM on a Tuesday.

DIXON: Does anyone here have a job?

MINGOES: Fuck, I'm gonna miss my audition.

[honking continues]

- What's it for? - Some Mel Brooks show.

- Oh. - Oh.

♪

- I never knew my father. - Neither did I.

- Because you're a virgin, right, Mommy? - Oh, yeah.

Totally a virgin, yeah.

Never... had sex.

NARRATOR: Tomorrow night, the landmark event continues.

Lieutenament Silverman, give us a status update.

I'm single, but looking.

We wanna jump right into it.

[all laughing]

The stars are certainly out tonight.

- Oh! - I mean, we got ourselves a franchise here.