Original subtitles

ARCHER: Are you shitting me?!

How can they do that?!

And do you have to do that

right goddamn now?!

KRIEGER: I actually

don't have to do it ever.

CYRIL: And so I ask again,

why are you?!

KRIEGER: Mm-m.

ARCHER: How can they seize

my penthouse?!

MALORY: Well A, they're the

government, and B, ISIS owned

that penthouse, so -

ARCHER: Since when?

MALORY: Since this new thing

called always?

It never struck you as odd

that you lived there

for ten years and never paid

a dime in rent?!

ARCHER: I just thought it was

because I banged the landlord's

wife when she dropped off

the key.

But I realize now

that I was mistaken.

LANA: Aw, what a scary

new feeling for you.

ARCHER: Not as scary

as having to live

in Casa de Addams Family

with you two!

MALORY: Ugh, no,

I'm just working here,

not moving in.

I was smart enough to put

my apartment in Ron's name.

LANA: We all could've hidden

our assets if you'd warned us

we were about to be

arrested for treason!

MALORY: Oh for the love,

how long are you going to

throw that in my face? !

LANA: Probably at least

through the weekend.

MALORY: Well, then you'll have

to throw it from Miami.

LANA: Wait, no, why,

what's in --

[ BEEP BEEP BEEP! ]

LANA: -- Miami.

MALORY: Besides ninety percent

of all mosquitoes and Cubans

on earth?

ARCHER: That sounds high.

MALORY: A buyer for twenty

kilos of our cocaine.

LANA: Okay, now you sound high.

[ BRAWMP! ]

MALORY: And what did I say

about that horn? !

PAM: Oh, you were serious?

MALORY: Did I not

look serious? !

LANA: Well maybe she

couldn't tell,

because you seemed pretty

serious just now,

when you said you set up

a drug deal.

MALORY: How else are we

supposed to sell it?

It's not like we can have

a yard sale.

ARCHER: Yeah, Lana.

Hello, people would steal it?

LANA: I realize.

We can't have a yard sale.

ARCHER: Plus it's illegal?

LANA: My point.

Is how did you, Malory,

possibly, set up

a major drug deal?

MALORY: Oh,

don't worry about that...

LANA: Kinda feel like I should.

MALORY: Just worry about

not screwing up this deal,

because if it all goes well,

my contact's people may

buy the rest.

And the sooner we sell

this cocaine,

the sooner we'll all be

set for life.

ARCHER: And the sooner we

can move out of this enormous,

Gilded Age mansion.

Which -- where the hell is

Woodhouse?

PAM: In the pool.

WOODHOUSE: Hello?

I've finished!

ARCHER: Jesus Christ,

how long does it take him

to move in?

MALORY: And so, the sooner

you go to Miami...

LANA: Oh, I'm sorry,

lemme eat forty pounds of

coke-filled rubbers,

and we're off.

MALORY: Don't be ridiculous -

ARCHER: Hello, pregnant?

MALORY: -- Dr. Krieger has

devised a way

to transport the cocaine

undetected.

KRIEGER: Oh, you were serious?

MALORY: Wh-? God! Dammit!

KRIEGER: Sometimes it's hard

to tell with you!

MALORY: And since Carol insists

on keeping Ms. Gillette here

as a voice coach...

CHERYL/CAROL: Do, re, mi,

fa, so, la, teeeeee!

GILLETTE: No no no no no!

Again!

CHERYL/CAROL: Do -

ARCHER: And also

since he's crippled...

MALORY: And also since

he's crippled, Pam --

[ BRAWMP! ]

MALORY: will be going with you.

PAM: Kinda like the third

Musketeer, huh? !

MALORY: Kinda.

ARCHER: Hey Pam, relax, breathe

you're doing fine...

But since that, um,

special "plaster" in your cast

can totally be absorbed through

the skin,

you're probably gonna wanna try

to minimize the sweating.

Yeah, just think cool thoughts.

Like eating mint

chocolate chip ice cream.

In your refrigerated drawer.

At the morgue.

CHERYL/CAROL: Do, re, mi, fa --

GILLETTE: No! Again!

MALORY: My God,

how I envy the deaf.

I hope you're a better lawyer

than she is a singer.

CYRIL: I'd have to be.

And I will be,

I'm pretty darn excited

to be practicing law again.

I mean, hopefully I won't have

to defend anybody in court,

but --

MALORY: But there's always

a district attorney

to blackmail,

a witness to coerce,

a judge to bribe...

CYRIL: Bribe with what?

The government seized the

ISIS accounts, we're broke.

MALORY: Hopefully not for long.

And when that drug money

starts pouring in,

you'll be in charge of

laundering.

CYRIL: I'll start looking

for a laundromat.

MALORY: Wh-?

Money laundering, you ass!

Oh, you mean as a front,

because a laundromat

is a cash-based business.

Why don't I just leave that

whole side of the organization

to you?

CYRIL: Only if you promise

to periodically micromanage it.

And emasculate me.

MALORY: Cyril,

I would have thought

that goes without saying.

ARCHER: Ugh!

It smells like a skunk ape!

LANA: Yeah,

I'm hoping the mattresses

are just mildewy, and not...

Mildewy and dead-hookery.

ARCHER: No, not the room.

These.

PAM: Casts smell bad when

thing people know about!

ARCHER: Yeah after six weeks,

not six hours!

LANA: So listen,

about this deal...

ARCHER: Hang on.

Pam, chop chop, torso!

Ugh, this smells like a kennel,

but for dogs that are poor.

LANA: Archer!

ARCHER: What, smell it.

LANA: Shut up, look

your mother's got the time

in here, the place,

price per kilo...

But there's nothing

about her contact,

no picture,

not even a name?

What if this "person" is

really a biker gang?

ARCHER: Who gives a shit?

Hang on.

Legs!

Lana, you and I, more me,

were two of the best

secret agents in the

world...

LANA: We were rogues.

ARCHER: Potato, puh-treason,

whatever, but we've been

up against terrorists,

assassins, the KGB,

the IRA remember, North Korea,

cyborgs, help me out...

LANA: Space pirates...

ARCHER: Oh my God, I forgot

about the space pirates!

But the point is,

we are highly trained

covert operatives with an

extremely dangerous set

of skills --

Pam, legs!

-- and since the government

has unjustly accused us

of treason,

we are now forced to transfer

those skills from espionage

to criminal activity,

kind of like the A-Team,

but we sell drugs.

LANA: And you're okay

with that.

ARCHER: Are you not? !

Lana, it's the A-Team

meets Scarface!

That makes me...

LANA: Hannibal Montana?

ARCHER: What the--? Pam? !

Goddammit, tell me you're not --

Pam !

Stop eating it, dammit !

LANA: Pam?

Archer?

PAM: He's okay!

He's okay don't come in here

don't come in here he's okay!

LANA: Oh shit.

PAM: What,

I said don't come in here!

LANA: No, Leon!

LANA: No, I'm honestly

not judging you...

PAM: Really, so this super-judgy

feeling I'm feeling is just me

feeling like you're super-judgy

and that's me? !

LANA: So, um, are you hearing

your words?

PAM: Are you shitting me?

I can't hear anything over

my har --

tbeat, yerp,

fired back up boop!

LANA: It's just we're like,

two days into this whole

drug cartel thing,

and you're already

addicted to cocaine.

PAM: Oh okay so I should

take life advice from

an unwed mother? !

With a dirty car? !

PAM: Is he dead?

LANA: No.

PAM: He looks dead.

LANA: He's not.

PAM: I think he's dead.

LANA: Pam?

LATINO VOICE: Mis amigas,

por favor!

ARCHER: Unghh...

PAM: Is he a zombie?

LANA: Pam!

LATINO VOICE: Sterling?

Sterling can you hear me?

ARCHER: Ramón? !

RAMON: Sí, mi amigo,

soy yo!

LANA: Wh-?

You two know each other? !

ARCHER: Sh-shut your h-hole,

am I d-dying?

RAMON: No, amigo, estas bien!

ARCHER: But I'm s-so,

c-co -- oh.

Um...

RAMON: She insisted.

PAM: So we could unfreeze

you in the future,

once medical science had

developed a cure for...

headsmash.

ARCHER: And you...

LANA: Acquiesced.

She's all...

coke-strong.

RAMON: So yes,

I am your mother's contact.

After Fidel's hitmen try

to kill me --

ARCHER: Ugh, Charles and Rudi,

those dicks.

I wonder what ever happened

RAMON: Anyway! I go into hiding,

change my name,

buy this business with some

little money I borrow from Mamá,

and --

ARCHER: Hey, how is your mother?

RAMON: Pff, como siempre.

Y la tuya?

CHERYL/CAROL: Do, re --

[ BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM! ]

CHERYL/CAROL: Jesus!

Alright already!

MALORY: Thank you.

ARCHER: Como siempre.

RAMON: So, she telephone me,

ask if I know some maybe people,

I say yes,

I know some maybe people,

and here we are.

LANA: And, sorry,

you're getting out of this

maybe what?

ARCHER: Lana!

He's helping a dear friend!

RAMON: Sí, claro.

And also how you say,

a finder's fee?

Five thousand a kilo.

ARCHER: Oh.

RAMON: Because I want to buy

that place...

EVERYBODY: [ Gasps ]

RAMON: Nice, eh?

Is the best club in Miami.

ARCHER: Uh, duh!

LANA: Archer, what're you --

ARCHER: Lana, we're gonna need

an office in Miami,

and that office is gonna need

to be a red leather banquette!

RAMON: Dios mío,

that would be increíble!

You and me, together at last...

LANA: Implying that you two

haven't ever, cough,

been together, or...?

ARCHER: It was a mission, Lana!

Ramón's Latino,

so he's comfortable

expressing affection!

It doesn't make him gay!

RAMON: Although I am.

ARCHER: So go ahead, Lana,

judge away!

PAM: Right?

LANA: I -- Pam shut up,

and Archer you know better,

I don't care about that.

What I do care about are

these buyers of yours, Ramón.

Who are they?

RAMON: Just some guys.

We'll go see them, they're cool,

dun't worry about it.

LANA: Kinda feel like I should.

ARCHER: Lana, Ramón vouches

for them, I vouch for him,

and you're embarrassing me!

LANA: I am.

PAM: Kachoooo!

LANA: That's flour, by the way.

PAM: I know.

CHERYL/CAROL: Don't you think

I know that? !

I know it's bad,

I'm not ear-crippled!

GILLETTE: Well,

then maybe being a c --

CHERYL/CAROL: Not a,

the number one country music

singer in all of America,

and some of Canada!

what if maybe that goal's

not realistic?

Or even unlaughable?

CHERYL/CAROL: Get out!

ARCHER: Wait, seriously?

RAMON: Yes,

they were very clear,

no guns.

ARCHER: But --

RAMON: I gave mi palabra.

ARCHER: Right, sorry, I --

LANA: Archer.

ARCHER: Lana he gave

his palabra!

LANA: If anything goes wrong

I'm holding you responsible.

ARCHER: Yeah, that'll teach me.

CYRIL: Tough day, huh?

GILLETTE: The high point

was getting shot at.

CYRIL: It's so weird, I mean,

she's a billionaire,

she could be anything,

a world traveler,

an art collector...

GILLETTE: A transatlantic

goddamn balloonist!

CYRIL: So, why does she want

to be a country singer so badly?

Besides being clinically insane.

GILLETTE: Yeah.

Here's to the crazy ones.

CYRIL: Um...

RAMON: Ugh, díos mio,

that stinks!

PAM: It's not that bad!

I mean it's not great, but...

This is still some primo shit.

ARCHER: Pam! Quit eating

all the goddamn cocaine!

CHARLES: Yeah,

save some for us, bitches!

ARCHER: Charles and Rudi? !

LANA: Wait, the hitmen? !

RAMON: Tranquilo, tranquilo!

It's okay!

CHARLES: Yeah,

we're like BFF's now.

ARCHER: What? !

RAMON: Well...

here's your fondue set, and...

was there only one blue fork?

ARCHER: What the hell? !

CHARLES: And how is

that tone necessary?

RUDI: Thank you.

CHARLES: It's a fork.

RAMON: And there were two

of each color and you know this

as well as me because we stood

in my kitchen and counted.

CHARLES: Well then I apologize,

and I'll be happy

to throw in another...

five dollars?

RAMON: Eighty dollars.

CHARLES: For a fork? !

RAMON: You can't buy only one

you have to buy the whole set!

CHARLES: Oh, that is such --

okay okay, ya know what?

Fine.

We'll call it one million

and eighty dollars!

RAMON: Well, there is a small

problem there.

CHARLES: What, we agreed

on fifty grand a kilo!

LANA: I think we're probably

a little closer to

nineteen and a half?

CHARLES: Okay, couple Q's,

I'd love some A's.

One, what the hell

is that thing?

ARCHER: We made a body cast

out of the coke.

RAMON: But I tested it,

it's very pure.

CHARLES: Mmkay, two,

how can you eat a pound of

cocaine and not be dead?

PAM: I've actually

never felt better!

I hope that lasts.

CHARLES: I'm sure it will,

okay here's the dilly

and the sweets.

We're gonna round that down

to nineteen kilos even,

so I'll just take back

fifty grand...

ARCHER: Way to go, Pam.

CHARLES: And since the coke's

in the shape of

a Poppin' Fresh costume,

and taintsweaty,

I'm taking off another fifty...

ARCHER: The hell you are!

CHARLES: Can I finish?

Can I finish?

Since Ramón gave his word

that you people

wouldn't bring any guns...

ARCHER: We didn't,

not even my underwear gun.

RAMON: I gave mi palabra.

CHARLES: Well that's just

terrific.

Because...

we're gonna go ahead and take

the cocaine and the money.

ARCHER: Goddammit.

LANA: And so, right about here

is the part where I hold

you responsible.

ARCHER: Oh my God the burden.

you take the fondue set

CHARLES: Can I finish? !

And I'll take the fondue set.

Because you were a total

b-hole about the fork.

It's not even real Le Creuset!

LANA: Ugh!

RAMON: Right?

Of course it is real.

the outlet store doesn't mean --

ARCHER: Ramón!

RAMON: What?

Sterling, are you angry with me?

Wait, you don't think this is

my fault? !

RAMON: Sterling, please!

This is loco!

ARCHER: No, Ramón,

getting my stolen money back

isn't loco, it's --

Wait, what's the word

for rational?

RAMON: Racional.

ARCHER: Goddammit.

LANA: What was loco

was trusting you!

RAMON: How can you say that? !

ARCHER: To Ramón, Of all people!

LANA: Look, I don't know

what kind of "history"

you two have together, but --

ARCHER: History? !

What're you trying to --

that's crazy,

we didn't even kiss!

PAM: Zip!

ARCHER: Do you even hear

how crazy you sound?

LANA: Do you? !

ARCHER: I dunno, yes, shut up.

Ramón, I'm sorry but this whole

thing is kinda your fault,

so you're taking us to

wherever Charles and Rudi

are having a money fight

with our million bucks.

RAMON: A million and eighty.

ARCHER: Alright, uno rampageeo!

Okay, Lana,

LANA: Votes we cut our

losses and go home.

While reminding you,

seemingly unnecessarily,

that she is pregnant.

ARCHER: Oh my God,

how long are you gonna use that

for an excuse?

LANA: Probably at least

through childbirth.

ARCHER: Oh, you were serious?

MALORY: Alright, I'm going home,

but --

What's her problem?

CYRIL: Scotch.

And also maybe

post-traumatic stress disorder,

from listening to --

CHERYL/CAROL: 40 miles

of mountain road...

MALORY: Carol?

KRIEGER: Yep yep yep!

MALORY: But...

how is that possible?

KRIEGER: I've got the whole

house wired up.

Bedrooms, bathrooms, bathrooms,

other bathrooms,

the swimming pool...

MALORY: I meant! Ass!

KRIEGER: Ow!

MALORY: How is she singing so...

well?

KRIEGER: Probably because

she doesn't know anyone's

watching.

You'd be amazed

what you people do

when you think you're alone.

Cyril.

Dammit Krieger, you -- ow!

MALORY: Turn it up!

CHERYL/CAROL: 40 miles

of Gerogia clay...

ARCHER: Oh my God.

This is exactly

how I pictured their house.

RAMON: Oh, wait until you see

inside, díos mio,

they just redid the kitchen.

LANA: Ahem.

ARCHER: What,

just because you have no taste.

LANA: Or patience,

so if you could hurry up

and get our money --

PAM: And cocaine and cocaine

get the cocai --

[ BLOOP. ]

PAM: Oh my God Lana, Lana,

you know what I could

totally go for right now? !

LANA: Some cocaine?

PAM: Right? !

PAM: Popety, pop pop pop, pow.

RAMON: Did I tell you?

Here, give me your gun.

Now push that button,

right there.

ARCHER: This is the

best kitchen ever!

CHARLES: Aww mercy, thank you...

Ya know, if we could go back in

time there's a few things

we'd change...

ARCHER: Goddammit...

CHARLES: But overall

we're pretty happy.

Even though it's gonna be a

bitch to scrub your brains

out of the grout.

RAMON: Charles, por favor!

You have your cocaine,

just give them their money!

CHARLES: Oh okay sure,

we've got it right here.

ARCHER: Oh! Great, yes,

and we've got about a five hour

flight home, with Pam...

PAM: Poppety pop pop, cocaine.

ARCHER: So can you

throw in a pound of coke?

CHARLES: Can I? !

I only totally insist!

ARCHER: Oh. So,

you're being facetious.

CHARLES: Extra-eemly, yes.

A, the coke is gone...

RAMON: What? !

What do you mean, gone? !

CHARLES: Not gone gone,

you-know-who has it --

ARCHER: Wh-? ! Ramón? !

Who is you-know-who? !

RAMON: I, uh --

CHARLES: You still get your cut,

'cuz you-know who says good

job on you-know-what!

ARCHER: What? !

RAMON: Por qué no te callas? !

ARCHER: Ramón!

[ GUNFIRE ]

ARCHER: Ramón!

RAMON: Sterling...

díos mio,

I'm... sorry.

LANA: Sorry baby

sorry baby sorry baby...

PAM: Lanaaa! get cocaaaaaaine!

RAMON: Oh, Sterling,

I'm s-so c-cold...

ARCHER: What, like hearted?

Ramón, what the hell,

was this all a scam, or --

RAMON: No, I swear,

is just muy complicado.

Sorry,

I cannot explain right now.

ARCHER: Oh really? !

Why, because you're --

Dying, right, sorry.

RAMON: Take the money,

God knows you've earned it.

All I ask,

is one small favor...

Before I die.

ARCHER: Yes, Ramón,

I'll do anything!

LANA: You name it kid,

savings bond, a puppy,

breastfeed you senseless...

just forgive me

for what's about to happen.

LANA: So, um, quick question...

MALORY: Why the hell

were you kissing him? !

LANA: With what appeared

to be tongue...

ARCHER: Because, I --

it was muy complicado Lana!

And the last wish

of a dying man!

LANA: Who you had a crush on.

ARCHER: I -- no, I --

go smoke some menthols!

MALORY: Alright, Sterling,

calm down.

My God, it's not as if I care.

As long --

ARCHER: As long as I brought

back the money!

Is that what you were

going to say? !

MALORY: Yes.

And I don't have time for this,

I have a country music star

to manage.

CHERYL/CAROL: Says you!

MALORY: Says your contract,

missy!

Read it!

CHERYL/CAROL: You read it!

Goddammit.

CYRIL: And, I'm sorry,

the money is where, exactly?

ARCHER: Uh, in your

masturbators, you idiot.

CYRIL: Oh, I'm the idiot?

ARCHER: I mean, historically...

CYRIL: Well I'm not the one

who sold twenty kilos of coke

for... Monopoly money!

EVERYBODY: Huh? What?

CYRIL: It's counterfeit!

Every last bill!

MALORY: Son of a...!

Sterling, you fool,

was this was all just a huge

set up!

ARCHER: For what mother,

a funeral? !

They're all dead!

LANA: Yeah, but...

are they?

LANA: We got out of there

in a hurry...

ARCHER: Ramóoooon!

LANA: Will you come on? !

ARCHER: But the gunshots...

all the blood.

LANA: Blood packs and blanks.

ARCHER: Even Ramón?

LANA: Especially Ramón.

I bet the whole thing

was his idea.

ARCHER: Aha!

You're forgetting a key

piece of the puzzle, Lana!

They'd already stolen our coke,

and they had the money!

Why go to the trouble

of a fake shootout? !

CHARLES: See what I'm saying?

RAMON: But this way,

we have twenty kilos of pure,

uncut, Colombian cocaine.

CHARLES: Holy shit, yes!

Which we had already stolen,

so we still would've had it!

Plus the counterfeit

million dollars,

which now we don't have!

RAMON: Ohhhhh...

CHARLES: Like, fifty times

I tried to explain this!

RAMON: I see now,

what you were saying.

CHARLES: Ta-daaaaa!

Jesus, it's like trying to

explain particle physics to...

a particle.

RAMON: Aha! But this way,

my way, Archer thinks

we are dead,

so he will never think to come

looking for us again!

CHARLES: It was still a stupid,

stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid,

stupid, stupid, stupid plan.