Original subtitles

♪ Trailer for sale or rent ♪

♪ Rooms to let 50 cents ♪

♪ No phone, no pool, no pets ♪

♪ I ain't got no cigarettes ♪

♪ Ah but, two hours of pushing broom buys a ♪

♪ Eight by twelve four-bit room ♪

♪ I'm a man of means by no means ♪

♪ King of the road ♪

It's over there.

♪ Third boxcar midnight train ♪

♪ Destination Bangor, Maine ♪

Look at 'em.

Always the same these literary tours.

Book reading psychopaths.

Do you remember Joanna Lumley when she did that

"Places of My Life" tour?

That second day, she barricaded herself in the toilets.

I was slipping her garibaldis through the ventilation grid.

By the time they got her out of there,

she were blinking at daylight like a Chilean miner.

Oh, you'll love this one.

Murder mystery writer David Van Der Clane

is gonna show us where he set all his books.

Mm.

Maybe he can identify the culprit who killed my dreams.

Ready?

What sort of a time do you call this?

We've been waiting so long my leg's gone to sleep.

My good leg and all.

Oh, I'm sorry everyone.

We hit a deer.

Did we?

Oh, goodness, look at her.

She's trembling like a leaf.

I killed a deer once.

That was back when I used to drink.

Threw a brick at its head.

It's Terry I feel for,

he was driving.

Oh, look at him.

He's ashen.

Like he's had all the life drained out of him.

Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

Okay?

Shall we get everyone on board?

I'll help you, ma'am.

Up you get.

Come on, I want a view.

Hi.

Good morning.

You're late.

Hello.

Good morning.

Um, I need the toilet.

No, Kevin, you've already been.

Ah, gotcha.

Already been.

Right.

No...

My brother has some memory problems.

Um, he does things that he can't remember

if he's done them at all.

Tell me about it.

I've got an all-inclusive holiday in Ibiza

that's still a bit of a blur.

Well that's... delightful.

Thank you.

Before we get going, we've got a bit of rain forecast,

so I will be handing out your complementary

Draper's Tours pack-a-macs.

Yellow? We're going to look jaundiced.

Mildred's just got over that.

She's right.

The nurses said I was like a friendly lemon.

And so it begins.

Mr. Van Der Clane,

I was getting a little worried about you.

I'm Gemma Draper, from Draper's Tours.

Welcome aboard my four wheeled chariot

of mystery and intrigue.

Under my command, we shall see all the locations

described in my most popular books.

Who knows where it will take us?

Well we do actually have quite a detailed itinerary.

And Terry's got a sat nav and everything.

And who indeed knows if we will all make it...

To the end.

From the cathedral location,

where I conceived my very first book,

all the way to the scene of my most popular novel,

the Blackpool Tower Ballroom itself.

Ooh!

By some very reasonably priced cafes and gift shops

that I'm able to offer discount vouchers for,

cash only, see me later.

And of course, a copy of one of my books

signed by my own fair hand, for a small fee.

Garibaldis in the toilet looking a lot more appealing now,

aren't they?

Come on, let's get going.

Ben?

What the hell are you doing here?

I bought a ticket for the tour.

Bugger off.

If it's trouble with a man,

I've got a taser in my bag.

And Mildred here's got nunchucks.

I still love you, Gemgem.

Can you get away from our coach, please,

and by the way, I mean at least 500 sodding metres

like the judge said, or I'm calling the police.

Call the police?

Don't think so.

Your mum says if this tour goes badly like the others,

you'll end up bankrupt.

You talked to me mum?

Yeah, don't worry, it was just on Facebook.

And I was pretending to be your niece.

Ugh!

Ow!

Terry, shut the door and drive.

Quick, Terry.

Gemma!

Oh, Gemma!

Terry, just drive!

♪ A little less conversation ♪

♪ A little more action ♪

♪ All this aggravation ♪

♪ Ain't satisfactioning me ♪

♪ A little more bite and a little less bark ♪

♪ A little less fight and a little more spark ♪

♪ Close your mouth and open up your heart, baby ♪

♪ Satisfy me ♪

♪ Satisfy me, baby ♪

♪ Baby close your eyes and listen to the music ♪

Attention please, ladies and gents.

After a slightly delayed start,

we are now winding our merry way to Bartleby Cathedral,

the site of our first murder.

Where I believe they have a wonderful tapestry

of the crucifixion.

So we'll be able to celebrate two fictional killings

at the same time.

Any questions?

That aren't about my ex-boyfriend/stalker.

You're losing the crowd.

Give it here.

Ta.

Welcome aboard.

I only have one rule while I'm driving, and it's this.

The toilet is not, and I cannot stress this enough,

not for solids.

And yes, I'm talking to you, the golden girls.

Ta.

You'll have no issues with me, young man.

The doctor gave me a bag for life.

Thanks Terry.

So sit back, enjoy the views,

and I'll be around with some complementary snacks

for you all momentarily.

You'd better be.

And nothing spicy, mind.

If I'm to follow Terry's only rule,

I'll need something that binds.

Don't worry, Marj.

I brought our boiled eggs for the rest of us.

These shall bung us up good and proper.

Excuse me,

we were promised executive seating.

They are all executive seats.

Really?

There's what I think is a pork scratching

down the side of mine.

Why not try to think of it as

an executive pork scratching?

One other thing.

Do we have to sit across from these people?

They're like zombies in sport tights.

And what about us?

You've sat us over from this snotty woman

and her ferret faced husband.

How did you hear that?

I've got my hearing aid cranked right up, love,

in case folk are talking about me.

Anyway, what have we got to look at?

You, and that gormless lump.

That is eavesdropping.

Your husband's got a head like a sad potato.

It's not his fault, it's the way he's built.

I've got varicose veins you can see from space.

And Mildred here, she's got a hairy back.

You said you wouldn't tell.

And I'm agoraphobic and claustrophobic,

so I'm never really settled.

You've put me in the wrong seat, Laura.

How can I enjoy the view from an aisle seat?

I'm sorry, Moira, I got you one as far as I could.

I don't think I'm strong enough to get you

all the way over to the window.

So your puny body has once more ruined my day.

Honestly, if this coach were to crash,

I wonder if you'd be able to rescue me at all.

I would, Moira, I promise.

Just lay there, dying, wondering where you

and your weak arms were failing to drag me.

Excuse me, ladies.

Are you in need of assistance?

Dr. James Grantling, pleasure to meet you.

Doctor, you say?

Couldn't help but overhear.

Might I be able to help?

Laura, wasn't it?

Splendid.

Now, I might have to put my arms around you-

But I assure you, nothing untoward will happen.

I always buy a lady at least a gin and tonic first.

Oh, permission granted, and I'll hold you

to that gin and tonic.

You don't drink.

Shut up!

There you are.

Oh, thank you so much.

- Pleasure. - Would you like to-

No, no, I'm fine thank you.

Thank you ladies, see you later.

See you later.

And please, no one forget where we're parked.

You get left behind, you're on your own.

You just have to set up a life here for yourself.

Oh!

Why is this cathedral not wheelchair accessible?

Accessibility wasn't really an issue

in the 15th century.

They didn't have you in mind when they built this place.

If they had, we'd be seeing an access ramp on a tapestry.

I'll have you know this country was built

by people exactly like me.

What, post-menopausal killjoys with an attitude problem?

I doubt it love.

They'd have burned you as a witch.

Or just for a bit of peace and quiet.

She will eat those words.

Of course she will, Moira.

Of course she will.

Leave me be.

I heard the man on the coach behind us

say he was a doctor.

I love a doctor.

Snap your legs back together, Mildred.

It's a coach trip, not Love Island.

The doctor?

He's my brother.

At least I think he is.

Ladies, you'll have to forgive Kevin,

he, uh, had a knock on the head,

and he has some memory problems.

- Do I? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, that would explain a lot.

Aah!

My Derek had that.

Very forgetful.

But only when it came to birthdays, anniversaries,

and not sleeping with my sister.

That's... fascinating.

Graham, isn't it?

Hi, I'm Gemma.

Sorry we didn't get to meet on the coach.

Shall I put your bag back in the holdall for you?

Leave the bag!

I'll leave it there.

Graham.

Do you not want to come and look at the first murder site?

It's what you've paid for.

I'd hate for you to miss out

and then see what you're like when you've got a grievance.

No, I'll just sit here.

Calms me down.

Gives me a sense of purpose.

It's like I can hear God telling me what to do next.

Lovely.

Right, well me might just, uh, go.

You know, away.

Murder!

And I'm out.

If you need me, I'll be smoking outside.

With any luck, I'll set myself on fire.

Here, in this very cathedral,

I came up with the idea of a murder so foul,

so horrid, that it would leap from the page

of one of my most popular books.

Take in the heavy silence, as I did,

let it fill your soul.

Take a breath.

Let nothing distract you.

Number withheld.

Ah, it must be Hollywood.

Ooh!

Could you hold for just a second?

Have a look around,

mine wasn't the only crime committed here.

Just there in the cloisters,

six monks were beheaded by barbarians.

Sorry...

So, let's meet back here in 20 minutes, shall we?

Come on girls, cameras out.

Dead monk selfie.

Oh, yes!

Right.

Ooh!

This is nice.

Takes me back to our wedding day, Grace.

You were so beautiful.

As beautiful as that blonde girl

helping the woman in the wheelchair?

I saw you taking pictures of her with your phone.

Delete them, George, it's creepy.

I've done no such thing, that's an awful thing

to accuse someone of.

George, now please.

Yes dear, sorry, won't happen again.

Oh!

Bloody hell, love, don't be lurking round corners.

I'm looking for the lavatory,

and I'd prefer not to have a false start.

Ooh, nice Tupperware.

It's a lifesaver, isn't it?

You, uh, left your phone on the coach.

It had a missed call on it.

From someone cryptically saved as "Bailiffs, Don't Answer."

Guess I'm not getting paid this month, am I?

As soon as this trip is over,

we're in the clear, trust me.

Let's just enjoy this place for a bit, eh?

It's so peaceful, isn't it.

Over here,

come and see where the killing took place.

So, here we are, at the site of my very first murder,

in my very first book.

"I Just Died in Your Psalms Tonight."

But who do we discover behind this very vestry door,

slumped in a chair, with the life choked out of her?

Lady Tuestock, after her torrid affair

with Astrid the bisexual chambermaid.

Yes, very good, Grace.

Lady Tuestock.

Having been throttled,

using the sound of the church bells to hide the crime.

And, as each bell tolled, so the life slipped further

from the body of the lady of the manor.

And everybody had gathered-

Where's Marj?

She's gone off on her own.

She does that sometimes.

She had a difficult birth with her third son,

and it's ruined her-

The doctor said he came out diagonally,

and on his way out he got caught on-

The doctor patched her up, by now the plumbing's all wrong,

so every time she picks up something heavy, she tends to-

Oh, it's awful.

She had to redo her kitchen because of it.

Well that's that cleared up, then.

And the parishioner screamed with horror

when they pushed open this door,

and they knew bedevilment was afoot.

They had a murderer in their midst.

Argh!

Now Mildred, Marj wouldn't want tears.

You know how she hated emotion.

Sorry Peggy.

Oh Marj, if you can hear me, I think you've died, love.

Do you know what killed her?

Classic heart attack I'm afraid.

The discoloration of the face-

No, she's always been quite a sallow woman.

If anything, she looked the healthiest

she's looked in years.

Apart from the breathing, obviously.

Well, a, a sudden flush post mortem isn't unusual.

The blood rushes to the face,

especially after the heart has stopped.

No heart attack.

Asphyxiation.

Proper choked as well.

They were lodged right in there.

She always was a cobbler.

Looks like a bap.

Coronation chicken.

Which is weird, because that's what I was gonna have

for my lunch.

Although, not now.

I don't think these people are interested

in what you're having for lunch, Phil.

Right, sorry.

Bye Marj.

If you see the others, tell them we'll see them soon, eh?

And I know you stole my brown shoes, Marj.

I know it.

Such a shame.

So full of life.

Shut up.

I lit a candle for Marjory.

Oh, thank you.

That'll be a pound, please.

So I suppose in the name of good taste,

that's the tour cancelled then?

It's very sad, when we lose a life,

but, uh, we will of course be getting a full refund.

Refunds?

Grace, darling, our hearts are sad,

and there is only one cure for sadness.

Time.

We should reschedule for later in the year.

Not time.

Fun.

So if we can,

with solemnity,

and due respect,

make our way back to the coach.

Our next exciting destination awaits us.

Come on, girls.

If you want me to organise transport back to the home,

then it's on me.

I know what David said back there,

but I'll sort your refunds in the morning.

Refunds?

Transport?

No, thank you.

We're on the run.

On the run?

From who?

From the home.

We broke out.

We're absconding.

Like Thelma and Louise.

We were two Thelma's and a Louise,

but one of the Thelma's just got taken away in a body bag.

There's guidelines we have to follow.

Please, let us finish the trip, for Marj.

Well they are only guidelines.

Oh!

Get off.

Go on.

We are now people smugglers.

Old people smugglers.

Oh, call the police!

I might have to.

Woman in a book gets throttled,

then woman on a book tour chokes.

Yeah, my murder mystery tour is that good,

we have actual murders on it.

Get a hold of yourself.

I'd better had.

Before somebody else gets a hold of me.

Come back, Joanna, lovely, all is forgiven.

Right, we've all had a shock.

And our hearts go out to Mildred and Peggy,

for the loss of their friend.

But as is the British way,

we're gonna get our heads down, crack on,

and finish the tour.

Yay!

Too soon?

Okay.

But if anyone doesn't want to continue with the tour,

just let me know now.

Right, we can't have this atmosphere the whole way.

Attention everyone.

We'll be at Gorge by lunchtime.

I think we should address what's happened.

Sadly, Marj is no longer with us.

Sadly.

You watch your mouth, or I'll cut you up.

I've got a fruit knife on this keyring.

And so, as this trip was one of great importance to her,

something she wanted to do before she died-

I feel it appropriate that I, her favourite author,

should lead us all in a prayer.

Or perhaps, or perhaps we could lift our spirits

with a good old fashioned sing song, eh?

♪ 99 bottles of beer on the wall ♪

♪ 99 bottles of beer ♪

♪ Take one down, pass it around ♪

♪ 99 bottles of beer on the wall ♪

98 bottles-

George, no!

♪ 98 bottles of beer ♪

♪ Take one down, pass it around ♪

♪ 98 bottles of beer on the wall ♪

♪ 97 bottles of beer on the wall ♪

Come on everyone!

♪ 43 bottles of beer on the wall ♪

♪ 43 bottles of beer ♪

♪ Take one down, pass it around ♪

♪ Ee-eye ee-eye oh ♪

♪ With a neigh here, and a neigh there ♪

♪ Here a neigh, there a neigh ♪

♪ Everywhere a neigh ♪

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪

♪ Here a moo, there a moo ♪

♪ Everywhere a moo, moo ♪

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪

♪ Ee-eye ee-eye oh ♪

♪ She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes ♪

♪ Yee-haw ♪

♪ She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes ♪

Right, we're here.

Come on, everybody up.

Well, at least if this doesn't work out,

you know you can always call X Factor, can't you?

Oh, no. Kevin?

I decided to use this place of beauty

and it's fabulously high gorge

in my second novel,

"Push Comes to Shove Comes to Bloodshed."

Shall we get to the gorge?

I'd like to take a picture of myself

pretending to throw Grace over it,

as in the book.

Well let's hope it's just pretend, eh?

No.

The crime took place at the very top of the ravine,

at the edge of a dramatic precipice,

where you are able to pay a nominal fee

for a picture with me.

But feel free to explore the area.

It has some lovely viewing platforms.

Top of the ravine.

Walking that with my bunions, it's a suicide mission.

No thank you, we'll stay in the cafe,

have a little wake for Marj.

Come on.

Look, can we get on please.

I would like to do a painting of the view

to go with my collection.

The light is changing.

Oh, hang on.

The watercolours, they aren't there.

So you forgot to pack them?

You only had two things to do today.

Massage my hernia, and pack the watercolours.

Yes, Moira, I-I did check when we were on the coach,

but-

But nothing.

You've left them on the coach.

Consider this a verbal warning,

and I have witnesses.

Uncomfortable witnesses.

How many is that now?

12 Moira.

12 verbal warnings.

Three in front on people, and nine in front of the cats.

Leave her alone.

She made a mistake.

Anyone could have a slip of judgement sometimes.

And before you know it,

anything can happen.

I will talk to my staff exactly as I please.

Now perhaps if you tried a little bit harder in life

you would have someone you could discipline.

Or at least join you on this trip instead of that

sad looking bag that you cling to so dearly.

Now return to the coach, and fetch me my watercolours,

and I'll meet you by the gorge painting spot.

Could you open the coach, please?

Are you all right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm all right.

When she's like this, it's best not to push her too far.

Could you open the coach for me?

You'll be all right.

It don't lock, anyway.

I mean it, it don't lock with a key.

We've got an app.

Obviously.

Very high tech, works remotely.

By the time you get there, it'll be open.

I guarantee it.

Oh, back in an hour, everyone.

Oh, thank goodness you're back.

Though it's hardly worth it.

I'm nearly where I need to be anyway.

Just stop me over there.

Laura.

Where are you going?

Is that you?

We're too close to the edge.

It was just a sad accident, girls.

Or was it?

Choking?

Not a way to go.

And on coronation chicken, as well.

Ironic, given how much she hated the queen.

So hang on.

And mind, nothing spicy.

If I'm to follow Terry's only rule,

I'll need something that binds.

So she wouldn't have eaten it anyway, would she?

So how could she end up choking on it?

What are you thinking?

Ignore him, girls.

Terry's letting his mind run away with him.

Terry, Marj died because she was old.

And that is what old women do.

Oh, thanks for the reminder, love.

So, are you saying Marj was the victim of foul play?

I'm not saying she wasn't.

She wasn't, girls.

I promise.

Everything is fine.

Gemma.

Is everything fine?

Yes.

Good.

No, I'm afraid not.

Moira's dead.

Oh, yes. Yes, that.

Sorry, um, no.

What's happened?

Such a shame, isn't it?

I know.

They could've used these foil blankets

for people just finishing a marathon, couldn't they?

She was fine when we last saw her.

Well, I mean, bitching and moaning,

but relatively speaking she was being a delight.

George is right.

She only called me a gold digger twice.

So you were the last ones to see her alive, then?

What are you suggesting?

I'm suggesting nothing.

I feel to blame, I...

I should have stayed with her.

It's just that Kevin wanted to see the drop from the gorge,

and I couldn't deny him his moment.

Oh, is there a gorge?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, we should go and see it.

- Yes. - Yes.

So you can't confirm your whereabouts either?

Oh, I can't confirm anything.

Can I?

- No. - Yes.

Well I was waiting for George and Grace,

who were supposed to be having a photo with me

at the eastern most clifftop,

a photo that I feel I must point out

I still haven't been paid for.

Well I feel I must point out

that means we don't know where you were, either.

Hello folks.

PC Alec Collins.

Just need to take a few details off you.

So, we're looking for next of kin.

Hands up next of kin.

Well, I'm her emergency contact,

so I suppose it's me.

And you are Miss?

Laura Bishop.

Did she not have any family?

Well, she had a sister in Blackpool,

but they didn't really speak, because, you know,

of how Moira was with people.

Yes.

But we were gonna drop by while we were in Blackpool,

so that Moira could have an argument with her.

Well lord knows how she got to the top of that hill.

She was very strong.

She did tell us that hills weren't that much of a problem.

That'll explain it then.

We found a bit of brake assembly for a wheelchair

at the top of the hill.

It probably failed her and, uh, off she popped.

It seems that our culprit was our old friend gravity.

Well look, um, I'm sorry miss.

You get on with your trip, and if we need anything,

we'll just be in touch with Ms. Draper here.

I, I'm sorry for your loss, Miss.

Would you like me to organise a lift home?

I don't suppose I've got a home anymore.

I lived with Moira, and she made it clear

that she the moment she died, I was out the door.

Said I could leave my keys on her coffin

at her funeral.

I suppose I'll just get her things

to her sister in Blackpool.

We'll be there tomorrow, Laura.

If you want to stay with us, we're happy to take you there.

Oh.

That'd be nice.

None of you shout at me,

or, or throw spoons.

Moira used to love throwing spoons at me.

Oh, shush, now.

I'll throw the first spoon I see at you, love.

And that's that, is it?

What's what?

This was our second fatality.

Oh, yes, the old lady who choked.

Bartleby lot haven't done the autopsy yet,

but from the sounds of it,

I think you're just having a run of bad luck, mate.

A run of bad luck?

I'll be driving that thing on my bloody own, at this rate.

We're losing passengers faster than the Titanic.

I'm telling you, something's a foot.

Oh...

It's a foot, is it?

Shall I phone into headquarters?

"Hello, Chief Inspector.

Some shabby little coach driver thinks he's Miss Marple.

Can you send me a foot squad down?"

All I'm saying is,

maybe you can have a nose around.

Investigate.

Try doing some actual police work.

Well I could start by giving your coach

the once over, if you like.

See how many violations you can wrack up in one sitting.

There's nothing wrong with my coach.

Really?

If I so much as waved an MOT at it,

it'd burst into tears and beg for mercy.

Now go on, bugger off.

Yeah?

Well for your information, the MOT on that coach is...

Pending.

Terry.

I think you might be right.

This is getting weird, isn't it?

♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

- It is now. - ♪ That saved a wretch like me ♪

Oh well, it's a sing song of sorts, I suppose.

Let's get going, shall we?

Don't worry.

I know two dead passengers is unusual.

But I'll keep an eye out.

Trust me.

Nothing gets past me.

♪ Amazing grace, how sweet the sound ♪

♪ That saved a wretch like me ♪

And welcome to Clesperley Manor, our luxury hotel.

As long as you don't look to closely on Trip Advisor.

We asked for a superior room.

Does it matter?

Yes it does.

And please, please, please, Miss...

Nobody go anywhere.

It's a lovely summer's evening.

Let's gather for a drink

before tonight's murder mystery dinner begins.

A unique event, where each of you will dress as a murderer

from one of my novels.

Costumes provided.

A league of villains, but who,

who is the cruellest killer of them all?

It's, um, it's quite poor taste, isn't it,

given everything that's happened?

Oh dear, has, has something happened?

Um, I agree it's poor taste, but David did point out

that it is in his contract with Draper's Literary Tours

that we do this.

As long as my costume comes with a bullet proof vest

I'm happy.

We've had a rough day.

I'd be the first to admit that.

But let's remember why we're here.

To celebrate my literature.

And isn't that the best way to take our minds off

today's unfortunate accidents.

Even though those accidents happened

in all the same places that are referenced in your books?

It's like celebrating D-Day with a beach party.

It could be fun?

Indeed, Grace.

And in the light of today's troubles,

I'm going to do all this at reduced cost.

Heart of gold, this one.

Bob Geldof has got competition.

Ah, is that axe the inspiration for the beheading

in "Axe Me No Questions, I'll Tell You Who Dies"?

Yes.

Laura, well sleuthed.

I didn't know you were a fan as well as poor Moira.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know them inside out.

She, she used to make me read them to her.

Said I had the voice of a soothing pit woman.

Ah.

So, to your rooms, we shall reconvene in the piano bar.

And no hanky panky when you're all dressed up.

These costumes have to go back on Monday,

and there is a soiling charge.

Lovely.

It's a Gold Boots Advantage Card.

They don't just give these to anybody.

Do you have any idea how many 3 for 2s I had to buy

to get this?

I've got enough Pantene to last the apocalypse.

Remarkable.

Really?

Oh, I know who you're dressed as, Doc.

You're the killer conman who pretends to be a doctor

from "A Murder in Hand is Worth Two in the Grave".

Sound familiar?

Well, I mean, I...

And I am either a motorbiker, or a gay man.

Or both.

Nobody draw attention to Mildred.

She's worryingly on display.

Right, I think you're done.

Just don't turn around without telling me first,

or we might have to redo your coverage.

There you go.

- Thank you. - Guinness.

Even asked them to put a shamrock on top of it.

Well I asked for a shamrock.

That's looking more like Donald Trump.

Look, could you do me another favour?

Yeah.

Anything.

Name it.

Stop scaring the passengers, eh?

Oh come on.

You said yourself you thought

something strange was happening.

Two bodies at the first two murder locations?

Or two accidents and one coach driver

with a rampant imagination.

If this falls apart, it's the end of Draper's Tours.

Look, we'll get through all this.

Complete the tour, pay the bailiffs.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Nobody is in danger.

What is it, Mildred?

It's Dave.

He's out there.

Oh goodness.

No, David!

Clubbed to death on the patio.

Just like in his own book, "Clubbed To Death on a Patio".

Doc, help him!

I'm afraid he's dead.

'Fraid not.

Great diagnosis, Doc.

Come on, give me a hand with Lazarus, here.

Yes.

The paparazzi will have a field day

if they see me like this, Gemma.

We're in Yorkshire, David.

Round here they think paparazzi's a pizza topping.

Go ahead, that's it.

Now, steady, into the chair, slowly, David, slowly.

- Thanks. Thank you. - There you are.

I just went outside to phone my agent in LA.

The next thing I knew, I was on the floor.

And Doc was standing over me.

Calling me back from the dead with his healing hand.

You've had a fright, David dear.

Get a whiskey inside you.

Is it complementary?

David, give her the four quid.

And where have you been?

Mr. Misery Guts, with your sad little backpack.

Graham did this.

It's obvious, he's the only one without an alibi.

Oh my God!

I bet he was the one that pushed Moira off that gauge,

as well.

What are you on about?

I was in the cigar room, smoking,

trying to get a moment's peace away from you.

You shrill, stuck up harpy!

Can we all calm down, please.

Ah, she won't, not when she's like this.

It's like the John Lewis sale all over again.

Look in his bag.

I bet there's a blood soaked weapon in there.

Karen!

Ooh!

Who do you think Karen is, then?

I'm guessing wife or girlfriend.

Yes.

My wife.

My dead wife.

My Karen!

Oh, poor thing.

I knew a Karen once.

She's dead too.

She was my wife, and her dying wish

was to go on one of these tours

with that nobhead.

Because she loved his books.

I may... have made an error.

Here, here we go, lovely.

We'll help you put Karen back in her pot.

Thank you.

Did she have kidney stones, dear?

No.

Oh, it's probably just a dry roasted peanut.

What are we gonna do?

Uh, you're the tour guide,

you're supposed to be looking after us.

We are under attack.

Right.

Look, r-right everybody.

We'll, um, right...

Gemma.

I'll deal with this.

Now, I don't want to panic anyone,

but I think all our lives are in danger.

I'm gonna call that copper.

Hopefully he'll take me seriously this time,

See if that bloody squad believes me now, yeah?

Just think.

The murderer could be watching us now.

I wish I'd have known I was being spied on.

I'd have put in my good teeth.

Where have you been?

I've got a group of terrified people here.

And I've been worried about you.

I'm sorry.

I got stuck on hold.

Bloody PC Collins.

Right, gather round everyone.

I've finally spoken to our friendly policeman

who says he's coming taking statements in the morning.

Because apparently all we've got is two accidents

and an assault, and that's not classed

as a high priority.

If we were Corrie, we'd be a one hour special.

So what we're gonna do,

until they start taking me seriously, is this.

Gemma and me are gonna walk all of you to your rooms.

Once you're in there, you lock the door

and you don't let anybody in.

Got that?

Right.

Come on.

Chop chop.

Terry's right.

Come on, everyone.

What about the CCTV?

Did that not catch the assailant.

Oh yeah, I don't wanna worry you,

but I spoke to reception earlier,

and apparently the wires to the camera

were cut a few days ago.

Well thank you for the none worrying bedtime story, Terry.

This is us.

Goodnight everyone.

Goodnight.

And, uh, Graham, once again I'm, I'm very sorry.

I can imagine you are.

Oh, I'd take her apology, Graham.

They don't come very often.

She once broke my mother's nose.

I've still not seen a scrap of remorse.

Oh, George, that was a hairline fracture at most.

Laura.

If you don't want to be alone tonight,

we're more than happy for you to come in and share with us.

George, this is why that woman from HR

had to have a word with you at work.

- Stop it. - Yes dear.

Goodnight everyone.

Kevin and I will be here.

If you ladies need anything, just holler.

I'm a very light sleeper.

I have literally no idea what's going on.

Right, well, this is me.

Would you like on of us to sleep in with you, Laura?

Oh, no, I'll be all right.

Sleep well, girls.

Oh, and Gemma dear, if we die in the night,

I'd just like to say this is the best adventure

we've ever had.

Goodnight girls.

Night, night.

Right.

So, do you wanna come in?

Oh...

Yeah.

Suppose I can have a check around.

And have one sleep in my bunk on the coach.

Don't suppose the murderer will brave getting in there.

I've got a fortnight's worth of dirty undercrackers

kicking around on it somewhere.

Oh.

I'm, I'm so sorry.

Oh, God, I've just read this all wrong.

It's just that when you took charge tonight,

I saw you in a totally different light.

No, no, it's just-

And, and I know we work together, and, oh,

maybe I've read the signals wrong,

but I thought you liked me.

And I just saw you as some sort of aimless loser.

Thanks.

Like the last person on Earth I'd ever be attracted to.

Don't spare my feelings.

I mean, I need someone who knows what they want

and goes for it, you know,

and I guess I saw that in you earlier.

I do know what I want.

I've been sitting next to it on my coach

for the past six years.

And if some nutter thinks he's taking that away from me,

he's got another thing coming.

He can kill my passengers-

I'd, I'd really prefer it if he didn't.

But he'll have to get through me first

if he wants to get anywhere near you.

Are-are we doing it now?

Are we kissing?

Yeah.

Okay.

Good.

Begin.

♪ When the day is done ♪

♪ Down to the earth then sinks the sun ♪

♪ Along with everything that was lost and won ♪

♪ When the day is done ♪

♪ Hope so much your race will be run ♪

♪ Then you find you jumped the gun ♪

♪ Have to go back where you begun ♪

♪ When the day is done ♪

♪ When the night is come ♪

♪ Some get by but some get old ♪

♪ Just to show life's not made of gold ♪

♪ When the night is cold ♪

♪ When the bird has flown ♪

♪ Got no-one to call your own ♪

♪ No place to call your home ♪

♪ When the bird has flown ♪

Oh hello.

I see you couldn't sleep either, then?

Do you know, I was sure we were supposed to stay in bed.

Something in the back of my mind...

Buggered if I can remember what it was.

Yes, I know what you're thinking.

Bad habit.

They'll kill me in the end, won't they?

Oh.

That's why I was supposed to stay in bed.

Okay.

Would you mind if I just smoked one last cigarette?

Hi.

Hey.

How long have you been awake?

About an hour.

Just been lying here.

Staring at you.

And occasionally wiping dribble off your bottom lip.

Romantic and creepy.

Well done.

Well, you're a dribbler.

Never would've expected it from such a dainty wee lady.

Well that's rich coming from such an apologetic lover.

Well, you know, you look like that.

And I look like...

Come on then.

Round two.

And unapologetically this time, please.

Oh, for...

Who is it?

It's Doc.

Is everything all right?

Not quite.

I, um, well I can't find Kevin.

If he's alive, I'll kill him myself.

- Kevin? - Kevin?

Yoo hoo, Kevin?

Kevin?

Kevin?

Ooh, you've got a glow on you, Gemma.

Thanks Mildred.

You've had the unmentionable, haven't you?

Kevin?

It's years since I had the unmentionable.

When I get excited, I'm a bit of a grabber.

Puts a lot of men off.

Kevin!

Kevin's come away at the neck.

Oh my god!

Who would do this?

This is no accident.

Heads don't just fall off.

Kevin!

Kevin!

Call a doctor.

I thought you were a doctor.

Of course I'm not a sodding doctor, you stupid woman.

But please, somebody call an ambulance.

I think an ambulance might be a bit optimistic.

George, call the police.

Not a doctor?

No.

And, uh...

Kevin is... he's not my brother.

You see, years ago, I was a conman,

defrauding ladies like Mildred and Peggy here.

I just finished a job,

and I stepped out into the road without looking.

And Kevin knocked me away from an oncoming car,

and the car hit him.

It was hit and run, just like that.

Did it kill him?

No, he lived.

That's why he was able to join me on this trip.

I see.

But he was badly injured, and before I knew it,

there was an ambulance there, and then a policeman,

and... well, I, I panicked.

I didn't want to give them my real details.

I, I'd be rumbled, pretty quickly.

So I said I was his brother.

And then when he woke up in hospital,

he didn't know who he was or where he was from.

And the nurses told him I was family.

He believed them.

I couldn't tell Kevin the truth.

I'm the only thing in his life that he can cling to.

Could do.

Could cling to.

Past tense now.

Oh, God.

What?

I am a writer, language is my tool.

I can't see it used poorly.

Funnily enough, the only thing he had on him

at the time of the accident was one of your books,

It was signed, "To Kevin."

Which is why we came.

A true tragedy.

Just as in my seventh novel, ironically called

"The Beheading of the Fool".

Shut up, you.

We've got someone decapitated here.

And not the someone I might have preferred it being.

What are we going to do?

He could be anywhere, this murderer.

Police said they'd be as quick as possible,

but there's been a sheep waggon rolled over in Skipton.

Reckon it could be a couple of hours

until the excitement dies down and they can get to us.

We could wait for them.

Or, bearing in mind I have been right about this all along,

we could handle this ourselves.

Starting with sacking off the next location.

The Ozzletwizzle Flask Museum?

Scene of my seminal classic,

"Chalice Through the Killing Glass?"

Shut it, David.

The killer will be there waiting for us.

I propose instead we go to the end of the tour.

The ballroom at Blackpool Tower.

By the time the murderer has figured out

that we're not coming, we can be lying in wait.

Then bang, we catch him.

But what if... the killer is one of us.

Looking round here,

I don't see a gang of potential murderers.

I see a group of people that I'm amazed

can function in modern society.

There's not a single person here with the first clue

about setting something up this intelligent.

Oh, thank you for believing in us, Terry.

Oh, it might be dangerous ladies.

If he tries to kill us, at least we'll be in the papers.

I have no objection.

Karen wanted it all to end in Blackpool, anyway.

George, Grace, you can come with us.

Either that, or you can wait here for two hours on your own.

Well, yes, if you put it like that.

Sounds dangerous, Grace, dear.

George.

We're going to Blackpool to catch a murderer.

Right then.

Let's get on the coach and get out of here.

Grab your bags, now.

Come on, chop chop.

But make sure you pay your room service bill

before we leave.

And grab as many little shampoos as you can.

Hello, Blackpool police.

What would you like to report?

Murder.

Oh wait, can I just nip to the loo before we go?

We haven't got time.

Go on the coach.

But it'll break your only rule.

Sometimes, love, rules are meant to be broken.

Go on, Doc.

Just you left, now.

Well, I think I'll stay here with Kevin, thank you.

It could be dangerous.

We don't know where the maniac is yet.

Well then I'll stay and wait for my fate.

It's no more than I deserve for the things I've done.

And maybe it'll slow down the scoundrel

that's doing all this.

Give you time to get to Blackpool.

Kevin loved Blackpool.

Well, he didn't, but I told him he did.

Goodbye.

And drive carefully.

I won't stop you.

Listen, I can't promise you we'll all get through this.

But I can promise you,

we're gonna find out who's behind it all.

You're really taking the bull by the horns today,

aren't you?

Yeah.

I am.

Now come on, let's go.

Right, listen up.

We're gonna be going like the clappers.

So you might wanna cling onto each other.

I wouldn't put much faith in the seatbelts.

They're more for show than anything.

So, Blackpool, as fast as we can.

♪ Like a bat out of hell ♪

♪ I'll be gone when the morning comes ♪

♪ But when the night is over ♪

♪ Like a bat out of hell I'll be gone, gone, gone ♪

♪ Like a bat out of hell ♪

♪ I'll be gone when the morning comes ♪

♪ But when the day is gone and the sun goes down ♪

♪ And the moonlight's shining through ♪

♪ Then like a sinner before the gates of Heaven ♪

♪ I'll come crawling back to you ♪

I told you I'd get us here.

Mm, I can smell chips.

The four most beautiful words in the English language.

Hey up, here's the carpark we're after.

I think things are looking up for us, after all.

Terry!

Police! Open the door!

Anger issues!

Get over there! Get up against there!

You're under arrest for murder.

I didn't kill anyone?

Thought you'd get away with it, didn't you?

The old double bluff.

Pretending to be concerned about these people dying,

but it was you who was bumping them off all along.

I haven't bumped anyone off.

I'm a nice bloke, me, ask anyone.

Hey, ask Joanna Lumley.

You're coming with us.

And I'll ask you a few questions about the murder

of Marj Grimshaw, Moira Colliston, and Kevin...

I don't know his surname yet, but Kevin.

What's going on?

Why are you arresting Terry?

Looks like we may have found your murderer, ma'am.

Terry, no, he can't be.

I'm afraid so.

We had a tip-off this morning from an anonymous source.

Saw him kill Kevin.

It weren't me, Gemma, I promise.

I knew it was him.

Those eyes, too beady.

Like a fat shark.

Take him away lads.

Hang on.

Gem.

You've all had a very lucky escape.

But, uh, we will need you to come down to the station

and, uh, make some statements.

Oh, you'll get nothing out of me, copper,

I'm no grass.

You'll have to strip search me.

Look, I've done nothing.

For most of my life.

Just ask anyone who knows me.

Our source says they saw you murder this Kevin bloke.

That's hardly nothing, is it?

Unless you can prove to me you were somewhere else.

Gemma.

Ask Gemma.

I can testify as to his whereabouts last night.

He was with me.

We slept together.

There you go then.

Alibi.

Afraid not, mate.

And you were awake all night,

so you know exactly where he was?

Well no, when, when I woke up,

he said he'd been awake for about an hour.

Just, watching me, he said.

Oh, no, that doesn't sound good, does it?

She was dribbling.

She's a dribbler.

Come to think of it, I'd like to see my lawyer, now.

You're in luck.

He's already here.

What?

Well, look at this, then.

I'm Gemma's cousin, Barry, by the way,

and I shall be your legal representative.

Murder.

A bit different to the usual speeding tickets I do,

but, uh, let's get it warmest go.

Let's give it our best go, and that,

that's all we can do, really, isn't it?

Right then.

Why did you do it?

I didn't do it.

Well, I was speaking with PC Collins here,

and he and I are pretty convinced you did,

so I think we all find ourselves in a little bit

of a pickle, don't we?

Oh yes.

We do.

Here you go.

Bit of light reading for your cell.

Thought you might like it.

It's all over, isn't it?

I mean, what's Gemma gonna do now?

A new driver'll want wages.

And a coach that's insured.

I'm not having it.

I want my phone call.

Ah, I, uh, I've already used it for you.

But on the upside, I did use it to order pizza,

so I hope you've brought your appetite,

because you'll not be getting pizza in prison.

Obviously you have my number?

Yeah, you're number, your agent's number,

your email address, and your Facebook page.

Right then.

Onward to the ballroom.

I think the tour's over, David.

I think I need to stay here and see what happens with Terry.

Even I'm losing the will.

Nonsense.

The ballroom is the finale.

We're safe now our real life murderer is in custody.

Terry's not the murderer.

I've known him for years, he's not like that.

He's just helping the police with their inquiries,

which is perfectly normal.

And often ends well.

There'll be champagne.

It all feels in poor taste.

David, it, it's over.

I'm calling it a day.

I'm sorry everyone, I'm sorry.

Now look here, Missy.

I have a contract with your company

that states quite plainly that the final destination

of this itinerary is the Blackpool Tower Ballroom.

Now you will either help me get these good people up there,

right now, or so help me God, I shall sue you

so heavily that you'll have the homeless

looking down at you.

Do you understand?

Ha ha, Blackpool.

Gemma.

You all drag me to these romantic places.

Come on, keep up.

What I've got planned is a once in a lifetime experience.

Well this had better be good.

We've walked past four bingo halls and I've not gone in.

It's against my better nature.

I can feel those balls calling me.

And ahead, our final destination.

Evidence?

They didn't have any evidence.

DNA, motive, none of that.

Pretty good of you to ask them about that.

I had nothing.

So, looks like you'll get away with it.

Get away with...

Get away with what?

I didn't do anything.

And the more you keep up that kind of performance,

the more chance we have of getting you off.

A fat lot of good you was.

Where did you go to law school?

Not school, per se, more of an online course.

Dead easy, you can do it in your spare time.

They've got loads of subjects.

I'm also a qualified dentist.

Sort of.

I've got to find Gemma.

Listen, make sure you stay in Blackpool, though,

they might want to ask you more questions.

Give your time to rehearse all that,

"Ooh, I didn't do it" routine, though.

I'm not going anywhere, mate.

I've got to find the bloke

who's trying to kill my passengers.

Nice, method acting, that's the way to go.

Really inhabit the part of the innocent man.

In a moment, we will raise a toast

not only to our fallen comrades,

but also to the books that brought us all together.

But first, let me take you through

some additional merchandise available today

at rock bottom prices.

Now first of all, we have the full set of books, read by me.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here, more like?

You're supposed to be in jail.

And how do you know that?

I called the police.

Told them that you were the killer.

So you tried to frame me?

You're the sodding murderer, aren't you?

I'll murder you for touching my Gemgem.

Oh, come on then.

You come on then.

No, you come on then.

I'm right here.

Do something.

I will do something.

Come on then.

Bring it.

I brought it.

Don't you worry.

Packed it, brought it, and you're about to get it.

So where is it then?

Right here.

But I must warn you, I've had four karate lessons.

And I must also worn you

I've seen every single Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.

Including Kung Fu Panda 2, and Kung Fu Panda 3,

in which admittedly, he's just a voice.

But...

He's still in the credits.

Then let battle commence.

Argh! Not me, not me ears.

We never said ears were allowed.

You're not gonna kill me like you killed all the others.

Killer?

I'm not a killer.

A voyeur, yes.

A stalker, certainly.

But I'm not a murderer.

You bloody are.

You choked Marj, you shoved Moira off of that gorge,

and you beheaded Kevin.

And you knocked out David.

Which, I'm not actually that bothered about.

I did not do any of those things.

And I can prove it.

The old nibble on the earlobe.

She used to love that.

She still does.

Just not by you.

Get to the point.

Hang on.

I'll rewind.

Here we go.

Your man David.

So you're stalking David as well?

No.

He just came outside, so I did some test footage with him.

You know, check the exposure, and all that?

For when I was filming you two.

Biggest problem for a stalker, really, picture quality.

That and restraining orders.

So this is when he was attacked?

It is.

So you've got the attacker on tape.

The real murderer?

Oh yes.

Oh, so he attacked himself?

So we wouldn't suspect him of anything.

He's the bloody lunatic who's been killing everyone.

Yeah.

Some people, eh?

Disgusting.

So why didn't you call the police about him?

Because he didn't kiss my Gemma.

Yeah, but now David's been allowed to walk off

with a whole coachload full of passengers.

Including my possibly future,

and your definite ex-girlfriend.

That hasn't worked out, has it?

And now they're on their way to the ballroom,

so he can do who knows what to them.

Oh.

Yes. Oh.

Now come on, we have to go and rescue Gemma.

The police have got the keys to the coach,

so we're gonna have to run.

Come on.

No, why not just get an Uber?

Okay, I'll run. I'll run.

And so let's raise a toast.

Not only to the fallen, but also in celebration

of those who survived.

Some might say, outwitted the evil intentions

of Terry the coach driver.

He's in his element, isn't he?

Yeah.

I need the toilet.

Girls together, we could freshen up?

I think we'll have time for a mani pedi at this rate.

All right, not the ears, get off the ears!

Murderer!

And creepy stalker man.

No.

Well, he is still a stalker,

but I'm not the murderer.

He's not, he's not the killer.

David.

David's the murderer.

Me?

How dare you.

Ben filmed him.

At the hotel.

He hit himself on the head.

He faked his own attempted murder.

I did not.

I've got you on film, pal.

As clear as every shot I've got of Gemma

through her bathroom window.

Get him!

It's a shame about Terry.

Ah, Terry's not the one doing this, Laura,

I'm sure of it.

Oh, you can see he's not the type.

Mind you, if he was, he would fit in with

the succession of nutters I've gone out with over the years.

There's Ben, my stalker,

before him was Chris, he stole from my purse.

Oh and of course Andy, kept calling me by his mother's name,

even when we were in bed.

And exclusively when we were in bed.

How are there no other ways out of here?

Because, David, this is where they keep the chairs.

And me and these chairs have something in common.

What?

We both know a tired old asshole when we see one.

Nearly got away with it, didn't you?

Bringing everyone here for your last murder.

Thanks to this book the police gave me,

I'm one step ahead of you.

"Toxic Tango in the Butcher's Ballroom".

You poisoned the champagne just like in the book.

It looks like I got here in time to stop you

before anybody drank it.

Oh God.

What?

I drank the champagne.

While you were telling us David was the murderer.

While I was telling you he was the killer,

you drank something that he'd given you.

Well you can't waste champagne,

it's like expensive Prosecco.

Oh, my God.

I've been poisoned.

George!

Grace.

I can feel it.

It's already in me.

Oh, Grace, I love you.

I can't let you go without you knowing the things I've done.

You've done nothing but love me, George.

No, Grace, I've been a bad man.

This is about to get interesting.

The cleaner, Grace, I'm so sorry.

I did pay her to do those things to me.

Oh, George.

I forgive you.

A- and the cleaner's son, who used to do the gardens.

Yes George?

Is he actually your son?

No.

God, no.

I've been buying cannabis off him

and putting it in your muesli.

But why, George, why?

Well just to calm you down, because if I didn't,

I would've killed you myself by now.

Oh, George, why?

Because of all your rules.

No mouth kissing until I've brushed and flossed,

no drinking because you think my laugh becomes nasal.

I don't mean to rain on your parade,

but I want to make it clear I poisoned no one.

What?

Oh, great, she's fine.

You don't want to worry about getting a man, Gemma.

Oh, I know.

What's the alternative?

I mean, I know what the alternative is,

and I've never been attracted to women.

Although I did have an odd fascination with Steffi Graf

when I was younger.

Do you think that counts?

All right, I admit I did hit myself on my head.

But in truth, that was only to refocus your attention

back on me, you were all getting so preoccupied

with the actual killings, you're forgetting why we're here.

Me.

Bollocks.

I'm calling the police.

What kind of arrogant maniac writes a murder series

and then reenacts them?

You're going down, for life.

No, please, please, please don't.

They're not even my murders, I didn't write the books.

Oh my God.

You didn't write "Death Replumbs Her"?

No.

No, I...

I didn't.

I was working in publishing.

Things weren't going very well.

And I, I hadn't had a successful book published in months.

I needed a hit, or I'd be out of publishing forever,

or even worse than that.

Moved to celebrity autobiographies.

And then, one day, a huge pile of manuscripts

landed on my desk.

Ten complete novels,

I mean who sends in ten books, handwritten.

The author, Mary, had sent a note, saying,

"Treasure these. They're the only copies."

I saw my chance.

Since they were the only copies.

No one could prove that I hadn't written them.

And there was a lot more money for the author.

So, I went ahead, and I said they were mine.

Some might say it was the perfect crime.

Almost what she'd have wanted.

Didn't the real writer ever wonder what was happening

when their book started popping up in shops.

Well, she did get in touch, yes.

She came to see me,

and she told me she had a young daughter to feed.

I just saw pound signs.

I threatened her with legal action,

and she ran out of the office, crying.

I heard later that she'd killed herself.

You stole somebody's talent just to get some notoriety?

You're the Milli Vanilli of literature.

Well I, I did write the book's titles.

They're the worst bit about the bloody books.

But that is still no proof of murder.

Mary Bishop, you said I'd get my comeuppance.

Here it is.

It's come up...

... enced.

Right, you nearly done in there?

You've been a while, do you need any help?

My mother killed herself because of what a man did to her.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

He robbed her.

Robbed her of the one thing she spent her life creating.

So he robbed me of her.

Oh my God, that's so sad.

If you want to talk about it, we've got time.

I'm in no rush to get back to David's toast.

Honestly, for such a poor writer,

he does think a lot of himself.

The books are brilliantly written.

Ah, come on, they're nonsense.

The books are brilliant.

All right.

Fair enough, each to their own I suppose.

At least we've got to the last of them now.

No more murders, hopefully.

There is one book we haven't covered yet.

Oh, God, not another one.

What happens in it?

A woman gets stabbed in the toilet.

Could be any night in Blackpool, that.

Bishop.

That name rings a bell.

It's quite a common name, especially in the clergy.

No, I've seen it today.

Or yesterday.

That's it, the passenger list.

One of the passengers is called Bishop.

You are Miss?

Laura Bishop.

Oh God.

It's Laura.

Where is she?

Well, I saw her sloping off to the toilets with Gemma.

Who knows what they're up to in there,

but it's the modern world.

None of my business.

Gemma.

I'm coming!

George.

We need to talk.

Yes.

You're the murderer?

But, but no, you can't-

Can't what, Gemma?

What can't I do?

I think you'll find that when a young girl

has watched a dribbling spilk like David

steal her mother's life's work,

and then watched her take her own life.

When you've seen all that, I think you'll find

there's nothing you can't do.

All right.

It's a bit heavy.

I can see you're still working through some stuff.

I'll just pop out and give you some-

I'll probably just stay here.

Moira was supposed to be my cover.

I met her at one of David's book signings.

Pretty soon she took me on as her assistant.

Let me tell you, after scraping the gunk

from under her big toe every night,

it made me more determined to frame David

and bump Moira off.

But somehow you and your fat boyfriend got in the way.

You're the last one, Gemma.

You're as bad as the others.

Giving him money, sucking up to him

when it's my mother's words.

My mother's books.

Ooh, that looks sharp.

How far are these bloody toilets?

Come on, get a move on.

Don't rush me, I haven't got my orthopaedics on.

I've got to save Gemma.

Then I'm coming too.

You need a chaperone before entering a ladies private area.

Marj was the easiest.

She were easy to choke out.

Voice like a foghorn, but weak as a sparrow.

And Moira.

I don't know if you've ever tipped someone

over a gorge before, Gemma.

No, no no, never.

It's brilliant fun.

I'm gutted I killed Kevin, but someone had to die.

Poor bloke never really knew what was going on, anyway.

I've been planning this for years.

Once I've finished you off, and then David,

this is gonna be all over the news.

Everyone's gonna rush out to buy the books

to see what all the fuss is about.

And then my mother's memory will be honoured.

Is everything all right in here?

We heard a fracas.

Gemma, are you okay?

Run, both of you, get the police.

No, I'm not running anywhere, Gemma.

I've got some pepper spray in here.

Where did you get pepper spray?

Car boot.

I swear, it was in here.

There's no point being a hero now.

Quite right.

We don't know for sure she's the killer, do we?

Innocent until proven guilty.

Yeah, very true.

I never had a problem with her, personally.

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

You go, go.

I love you.

Aw!

Okay.

What?

I, I just don't think we're quite there yet.

Oh, right.

Hashtag awkward.

Now go and get that mental witch.

David.

David!

Coming through!

Whoa, whoa, mate, we're closed for cleaning.

You just, you just go in, love.

I'll have to go, I've had a couple come in.

The woman's caught him cheating, or something.

Oh, hang on, I think it's a threesome.

David.

David, where are you?

I'm next to a large Blackpool Tower ornament.

Or would you classify it as a figurine?

Stay where you are, David.

I'm coming for you.

Laura, you don't need to do this.

Look, I've only known David for 36 hours,

and already I want to kill him.

I don't think you're helping, Terry.

All I'm saying is I know how you feel.

But this isn't the answer.

David drove my mum to suicide over those books.

Look, perhaps we could come to some sort of deal.

I'd happily give you a very generous percentage.

All I want is blood.

David.

Where are you now?

I'm by the two pee machines.

They're all bloody two pee machines.

Really?

All of them?

We're just out of the recession.

It's bloody Blackpool, not Monte Carlo.

Just leave it, Terry.

I don't have to kill anyone else but David.

David.

Help me.

I'd love to, but I think this may be

the opportune time to run away.

Oh, cheers pal.

Only trying to save your sodding life, here.

Oh dear.

Looks like it's gonna have to be you after all.

Welcome to Blackpool, Missy.

Told you.

You did it.

You saved the day.

Have you flossed?

No.

It doesn't matter.

And to think I almost stole one of your bras.

Don't spoil it, George.

Yes, dear.

You dirty old sod, George.

Terry!

Oh my God, are you all right?

I'm fine.

I've had worse things thrown at me by school trips.

How's your hand?

I'll live.

Come here, gently.

Well it seems, uh, I owe you an apology.

Just doing your job, mate.

It's pretty brave, Terry.

You should be proud of him, Miss.

Oh, I am.

I'll be in contact tomorrow, if that's okay.

Let you get some rest.

I'd, uh, take your statements now,

but the Chief Inspector wants to see me.

Address some of the mistakes made on the case.

Oh, that was ever so exciting,

they'll never believe us back at the home.

Marj would've loved it.

Ah, well maybe in some way she was here,

watching it all with us.

No dear, she's dead.

Don't patronise us.

Right.

I think we can call this tour well and truly over.

Well, not quite.

Karen, this is it.

Just like you wanted it.

Back in Blackpool, at the exact spot where I proposed.

Then we had fish and chips.

It gave you food poisoning which you said

ruined the holiday.

Goodbye, love.

Oh, wait.

The wind's a bit gusty.

Don't want blow back.

This sweater's clean on.

Goodbye love.

Bye Karen.

Bye. Sorry again.

Bye Karen.

Don't worry about the postcard.

If you see Marj, say hello from us.

And ask her where she put my brown bloody shoes.

You okay, Graham?

Yeah, fine.

It's done now.

I hope you don't mind me asking, love,

but how did she pass?

I killed her.