Original subtitles

All right.

- Toast time. - All right.

This is, amazingly enough, to us.

Five incredible, incredible years.

Cheers.

Come here.

Woman: Brendan!

Leaving in five minutes, sweetie.

- Samuel? - Yeah?

Do you want more?

No, thanks. No, I've had lots.

No, no. Not lunch. I mean more for us.

By which you mean...

- the big M, marriage, huh? - Well, yeah.

I'm over 30, and I feel

like something's missing.

Okay.

What could possibly be missing? Let's look at that.

Because, you know, we live in a fantastic apartment,

my practice is really good, it's thriving as they say.

We get on, I think, better than most married couples.

Sure.

I'd say life was dangerously close to perfection, actually.

So why would you want to change things?

Why change what's perfect? You know?

Right.

Okay.

New toast:

To stability.

Honey!

- Oh, God! - Shit, honey. I hit a guy. Come on!

- Are you all right? - Excuse me, ma'am. I know CPR.

Okay.

- Oh, you're conscious. - Yes.

I thought you were trying to French kiss me.

- I was trying to scream. - Don't get up.

Don't get up. You may have a concussion.

Sir, I think he's all right.

I've got it under control, madam. Thank you, though.

- Does your head hurt? - Yes.

- Are you nauseated? - Very.

Okay, open your eyes. Open your eyes!

Wide. Wide. Okay. Okay.

Your pupils aren't dilated. All right, you're okay.

- I brought you back. - Rebecca: Sir.

- I brought him back, everybody! - He's okay.

- Let him up. - Oh, sorry, buddy.

- Careful with him. - No lawsuit.

- Good. No lawsuit. - Okay.

- Yeah. Marty Dwyer. - Samuel Faulkner.

How you doing, buddy? Good to meet you.

Listen, I'm sorry. We were over there flying a kite,

and a big wind came along and bam...

cracked you right on the noggin.

But I guess you'd know that, since you're...

Kids! Stop that! Your manners!

Oh, no, there's plenty. It's fine. Help yourselves.

This sucks! It tastes like poo.

- Oh, bloody hell. - Marty: Hey, hey.

What did I tell you about spitting in other people's food?

No! Please. Here, eat this.

Eat that, honey.

- You know, I know you. - I don't think so.

You're Sean's friend,

the kiddie, you know, shrink.

Yes, I'm a psychotherapist.

Would you like some help with your children?

I met you last year at Sean's loft. I'm his sister, Gail.

- Oh, hi. I'm Rebecca. - Nice to see you again.

Look, I'm sorry. That's beluga. It's $64 an ounce.

- It's not dog food. - Oh, sorry.

- I'll write you a check. - No, it's fine.

Okay.

Gail: Kids, let's say thank you to the man

for the nice cheese and give him a big hug.

Thank you!

Pleasure. Pleasure.

Marty: Kids, kids, break it up. Come on now.

- Come on, we got stuff to do. - Thank you!

- Have a little bit. - No, no! Honey.

- No, no. Come on! - All right.

Come on, Sprinkler, let's go.

Hope we didn't ruin your picnic.

Oh, no. Why would you think that?

You guys take it easy. We'll see you around.

Okay, bye.

You see? Breeders.

Perfect example of the product of change.

The swelling's gone down.

It's still quite painful, actually.

All I'm saying is that there should just be two areas on the beach...

one for adults and one for children.

And then, you know, everyone's happy.

Is that any better?

Yeah. That's much better.

You're too tense.

You need to loosen up.

Come on.

~ There is no past ~

~ There is only future ~

~ There's only here ~

~ There's only now ~

~ Oh, your smiling face ~

~ Your gracious presence... ~

I love you.

I adore you.

~ These are the days ~

~ By the sparkling river ~

~ His timely grace ~

~ And our treasured find ~

~ This is the love ~

~ Of the one magician ~

~ Turn the water ~

~ Into wine. ~

My dad's an asshole.

Okay.

Good. Interesting.

Is that something you can maybe

elaborate on a little bit for me, Truman?

Okay.

Great.

My dad's a giant asshole.

Yeah.

One... two... three.

Okay now, when you bring your arms up round, like this...

Okay, Eleanor? Round. Round.

- Like this, Miss Rebecca? - Look. Look at that.

I don't know about Truman. I mean, I'll get him to open up.

But, you know, he's got very severe problems.

And we know who we can thank for those problems, don't we?

- Huh? - Hmm?

- You know, his parents. - 32.

It's so incredible that the state requires you to take a written test to drive a car,

but any complete moron can become a parent

and just destroy a child's life.

It's like people just have babies on a whim.

- 34. - I mean...

surely to be a parent,

- you have to plan ahead a little bit. - 36.

Say to yourself, "Do I really want to become a parent?"

- 38. - "Am I ready for that responsibility?"

I'm pregnant.

What? Pregnant?

Oh, Jeez. Watch out!

Watch out!

Watch out!

Rebecca: Well, I guess you don't want the baby.

Sir? Your car will be ready in a minute.

- You're lucky the engine's in the back. - Right.

Hi.

- Ready in a minute. - Good.

So...

we are absolutely certain about this, right?

- Well, my period's 10 days late. - Right.

And there's no way you could've had it and just not noticed?

Sorry. Ridiculous. That's stupid. Stupid.

Could you be a little more positive about this? More supportive?

I'm trying to be positive.

Killing us in a head-on collision is not what I call positive.

I suppose it must've been shock.

You know, just out of the blue, you say you're pregnant.

I think it was just a little bit unexpected.

- No kidding. - That'd be the reason for the crash.

I thought you were using birth control.

- I was. - Yeah. Right.

- Your car's ready now, sir. - Great.

Oh.

- You don't believe me. - No.

You think I got pregnant on the sly, behind your back.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Do you think I planned this?

Because I'm as flipped out about this as you are, Samuel.

Yeah, yeah. I suppose I just thought that birth control

had a little teeny element of actual control about it.

I thought it was supposed to be foolproof.

Well, yeah, nothing is foolproof.

It's only 97% effective. It says so right there on the box.

Yeah. Right. 97% effective.

So therefore, 3% completely bloody ineffective.

They should put that on the box.

- Here you go. - Thanks.

We're off.

- Hey. Hey. - Samuel: Sean.

- Who's the blonde? - No idea.

- Oh, my God. - Hi.

- Jesus. - Hi.

Hey. How are you? This is Bobbie.

- This is Rebecca and Sam. - Hi.

I was getting worried about you guys. What happened to this car?

Oh, long story.

Look at that.

- What happened to Christine? - Oh, long story.

Sean: This is where you two are gonna stay.

- Like it? - Samuel: Yeah. Lovely.

So, what do you think of her?

- You mean the blonde? - Yeah.

She's attractive. She's very attractive.

Sam, she's 25 years old.

Her skin is like ribbon candy.

Breasts like sponge cake.

Her calves are like calzoni.

I mean, highly edible. Highly edible.

She's crazy about sex.

This is somebody who can get me over the rough spots.

I'm telling you.

What do you mean? What rough spots?

Oh, Christine left me.

- Shit. - Yeah.

When?

Oh, a week ago.

- What happened? - Well...

she wanted a child.

- I'm sorry. - Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah. What an idiot.

No, no, leave that.

- Got it. - Jesus. Here. Take this.

She was... so she wanted... she...

Christine wanted a baby?

She was hungry for seed.

So I closed the iron door.

Denied her my essence.

You know, I'm not ready to be biologically extraneous.

She would have devoured me from the head down,

chewed up my manhood, swallowed my youth,

and gobbled me up like some praying mantis. Not for me.

What do you mean, praying mantis?

The female mantis, after she has sex with her mate, she eats him.

Oh, yeah.

But Christine wasn't pregnant or anything like that?

No. What do you mean? Like, on the sly or something?

On the sly, or just, you know, in the run of things?

On the... no.

I mean...

Christine has her faults,

but I don't know who would do that.

- That's a knife in the back. - Yeah.

That's certain... no, of course not.

That's some voodoo woman who stays up at night

and puts pins in her diaphragm.

Spooky, Sam. Jesus. That's a she-snake.

That's the most hateful, cruel, sneaky,

horrible thing you can do.

Who would do that?

No! No!

They eat the father! They eat the father!

- They eat him! - Honey... what, honey?

Honey, what? Who eats fathers?

- No one. - What?

Sorry, honey. Sorry. Just a bad dream.

- Silly, silly dream. - Okay. You worry too much.

Just relax. Lie down.

Okay? Lie down.

It's okay, baby.

Whatever happens, we can work it out.

- I know. - I love you.

I've loved you since the first moment I saw you.

You're the only one I want to be the father of my children,

whether it's now

or later.

Okay?

Oh.

- I love it when you do that. - Do what?

That thing you're doing with my knee.

- That is so good. - Samuel?

Stop it. I love it. Go on.

Samuel?

Wow. Yeah?

I'm not doing anything with your knee.

What?

What is it?

I found her. Come here, kiddo. Where you been?

- Come here, you. - Sweetie! Sweetie!

I'm sorry, folks. I'm sorry. Come on, get away from him.

Go, go, go. I'm sorry, folks.

She's going through a hiding phase. It's something kids do for attention.

Hey, honey, off the bed. Off the bed.

You're gonna get it dirty. And God only knows what's on there.

Hey, honey, it's the people from the beach.

- Oh, hi! - Hi.

This is great. Don't worry, we didn't bring a kite this time.

But how about another one of them kisses?

- Oh. What's going on? - Yeah, we found her.

We've been looking for her for an hour.

Here, quit reading that book. Go call the neighbors.

Tell them to call off the search party. Please, please, go.

You, please call the sheriff before the choppers go up.

Folks, we're real sorry.

Looks like it's gonna be a full house this weekend.

Party time then! I'm sorry. Get back in there.

Listen. Sorry. And I'm gonna take off.

You guys are gonna be here all weekend, right?

- Yeah. - Sounds great. Good to see you.

You didn't tell me they were coming for the weekend.

My sister and her husband, they didn't tell me, either.

They always show up uninvited.

- I hope they don't spoil your weekend. - Oh, no. We'll be fine.

- The kids seem adorable, really. - Oh, they're monsters.

They're monsters.

See, this is why I don't want kids.

Because of this nonsense.

Sean: No, what I'm saying is that I just think

it's such baloney and such a cliché

that the artist has to be messed up

and have a life of deprivation...

being an alcoholic or being deprived in some way.

It's how you... it's how you use,

obviously, with imagination and passion whatever it is...

I love you.

Well, that's nice.

I think you're great.

Marry me, Captain Renaldo.

Well...

- Who's Captain Renaldo? - Marry me. Make me your wife.

We'll honeymoon in Paris.

Well, I'd... I'm not sure.

It's King Stanislaw's daughter, isn't it?

- You're madly in love with her! - Who's King Stanislaw?

Don't deny it! I saw the two of you kissing!

Brute!

- You betrayed me. - She just hit me incredibly hard.

- Shannon, no hitting. - Gail: Shannon.

Okay, you run along. You go play with your sisters, okay?

- We're gonna talk about it later. - You weasel!

Gail: God, I am so sorry about that.

She's been reading these Harlequin romance novels

- and she's just obsessed with it. - Marty: It's kinda cute, really.

Isn't it cute? Yeah, lovely.

Not many teeth left in the left-hand corner of my mouth, but cute.

What a puss.

All right, everybody.

I've got an announcement to make.

Gail and I...

are gonna have a new baby.

Shit. Another one.

So I'd like to make a toast...

to my wife,

the most beautiful pregnant woman in the whole world.

Gail: Oh, that's so sweet.

Marty: You can be the toughest guy in the world,

but when you see your child look into your eyes

and you know that that child knows that you're their dad...

- Suddenly, it smiles. - It's like... I just cannot explain it.

It's like magic.

Is it magic when they do that little dribble of vomit down your shoulder?

- I'm sorry if we're boring you, pal. - Just a joke.

Okay, just forget it.

- The guy is rude. He's rude. - Drop it.

- Sorry. What did you say? - You are rude.

- Rude? You think I'm rude? - Yes. Yes, I do.

- Sam. - I'm sorry. For a moment...

It's all right, honey. It's fine. It's fine.

Let's just deal with this accusation of rudeness.

Because like an idiot, I was under the impression

that you were the one monopolizing the conversation.

Well, I'm sorry, too, if I'm a little excited

about my wife and I having another baby.

I know it might not be a big thing to you.

Yeah, and is that a reason to exclude other people from the conversation?

I didn't realize this was a frickin' group therapy session, Doctor.

How much do I owe you for four minutes?

You didn't realize that your dog was a menace.

You didn't realize that you were a crashing bore.

I would walk over there and kick your bony little ass

if I wasn't gonna have my five-year-old daughter do it!

Okay, let's drop the whole thing.

Yeah, Marty, that's it. After all, he does have a point.

- But, you know, just drop it. - Sean, he's a dick.

And you're an even bigger dick for taking his side over family.

No, it's just that you and Gail used to be interested

in all kinds of other things... politics, music, art.

Now it's just nothing but kids, kids, kids.

Well, my kids happen to be very meaningful to me.

When my first was born,

it was one of the most exciting moments of my life.

I felt like I really made a contribution to this world.

Absolutely. Congratulations. Absolutely.

And the world is overpopulated.

Our society has too many starving children.

Well, I would say our society has too many starving artists.

It hasn't been lucrative, that's true.

But that doesn't mean that what I do isn't respectable.

Look at Van Gogh. He, while he was living,

didn't sell one painting, and now his stuff goes for $40 million.

Sean, I got a quick question for you.

How long are you gonna have to be dead before you can pay that phone bill?

Why do you guys really come here?

Is it just to ruin my weekends

and embarrass me in front of my friends at my home?

Your home? This isn't your home.

It was our parents' home.

But I don't see you making any contributions.

You've got no wife, no kids.

You insult the only family you have.

You keep this up, you'll die alone, like a dog.

Like a bum. Like Van Gogh.

Hey, Doc. You all right?

Are you okay?

Yeah. What?

You don't look so good.

You look like you're gonna puke or something.

No, I'm fine. I'm fine. Thank you, Truman.

I was just listening to what you were saying there.

That was interesting. That was a key sentence.

Would you mind repeating it just so I can get it down?

You're an asshole.

Right.

And Dad's a bastard.

Yeah.

Right.

I can't be a father.

I can't.

Why would I want to have a child?

So he can call me a bastard in 10 years' time?

I mean, we'd have to move out.

We don't have space for a child.

Rebecca and me, we're wonderful together.

It's just insane to spoil it.

Just the two of us... that's how it should be.

This baby is not a good idea.

That's what I'll tell her.

- Bec? - Hi. I'll be right there.

- Just stay back, okay? Bye-bye. - Bye!

I'll tell her now.

- Hi. - Bec.

- Listen, Bec... - Samuel...

- No, wait. Wait. - I've been thinking.

This pregnancy was an accident. It took us completely by surprise.

Right.

We've been doing really great together,

and a baby would change everything.

Yeah, I suppose it could.

Our apartment's not ready for a baby.

- No. - I mean, we'd have to redecorate.

- Yep. - I'd have to quit my job.

Nobody wants to take dance class from a big, fat pregnant lady.

I mean, we're not ready for a child.

There's not one good reason that we should keep this baby.

But I still want to.

Right.

Maybe it's crazy, but I feel it living inside me.

And I really want this baby.

Okay.

What about you?

What ab... you mean what...

- What do I think? - Yeah.

I'm just saying how I feel.

So what do you feel?

Right. How do I feel on that one?

Well...

I feel...

I...

feel exactly the same as you.

Really?

Yeah.

- We won't let it change us. - No.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Can you wait here for just a minute? I have to go to the bathroom again.

It's one of the many, many joys of pregnancy.

Okay. Oh, gosh. We're gonna have a baby.

Oh, gosh.

I'm such a...

I'm such a coward. Sorry.

It's nothing to do with you.

Oh, baby, you were incredible.

Not bad, eh?

That was the single most satisfying sexual experience of my life.

Well, I aim to please.

And now...

now it's time for dinner.

Dinner?

No!

Samuel!

Time to get up.

Today's our first doctor's appointment.

- Today? - Yeah.

I told you about it two weeks ago. And then last week.

Three days ago. And twice, I think, yesterday.

Sorry, honey. I completely forgot.

Yeah.

Figures.

I swear I won't forget the next time.

- Hi. - Hi.

I'm Rebecca Taylor. I'm here to see Dr. Green.

Oh, Dr. Green's been out with pneumonia.

You can see his associate, Dr. Kosevich.

- Or you can reschedule. - Yes. Just reschedule.

No. We can see Dr. Kosevich.

Are you sure?

- Why, is there a problem? - No, no. Oh, no, no.

It's just that Dr. Kosevich is new. From Russia.

He's a little nervous.

Oh, but very sweet.

Well, we're already here. We may as well see Dr. Kosevich.

- Okay? - Okay.

Okay.

Thank you.

Please, come sit down. One moment.

Little family business.

It's not one thing, it's your mother.

Please. Please, sit down. I'm very sorry.

- Hello. - Hello.

So we hear you're from Russia.

- You have a problem with that? - No, no.

I am not a communist. Well, I was briefly member of party,

but it was not a party for me.

It was only for medical reasons.

I was a scientist. In Russia I was chief of obstruction.

- Obstruction? - Abstraction?

- Abstraction? - Obstetrics, I think you mean.

That's it. Obstetrics.

Hold on a moment here. Not obstruction. It's obstetrics.

Yes, I was head of obstetrics research

at Pasklovansky Hospital in Leningrad, now St. Petersburg.

Oh, yes. What brings you here, then?

Well, I never get a chance to work with people in Russia.

Oh, more of the sort of technical side.

No, animals.

- Animals? - Only rats and monkeys.

- Rats? - I like a little change of scenery.

After 10 years, you've seen one rat ass, you've seen them all.

I also want a patient who won't bite me.

And last month, I received my new license,

and now I'm able to deliver human babies.

Okay, now,

I have a computer program here that I have written myself

that will calculate your due date very accurately, okay?

Fine.

When was the first day of your last menopause?

- Menopause? - Menstruation.

- Menstruation. - Period.

End of sentence.

- March 11. - March 11. March 11.

Three-one-one. Okay.

Here it comes.

The baby will be due December 8.

- Okay. - Congratulations.

And the baby was conceived March 17.

Oh, that's clever.

Most people know that,

but some people are too drunk, they don't remember.

- Oh, my God. - What is wrong?

- I'm not the father. - What?

- Samuel? - Oh, my God.

On March 17,

I was away at a child-psychiatry conference in Boston, remember?

- Samuel, what are you saying? - Maybe I should leave you two alone.

- That's fine. I'm going. - No, wait!

Come back. Sit down! Samuel, sit down!

Now check your computer again.

- The computer is very accurate. - No, now.

Check the goddamn computer.

- Check it! - Check it!

Don't yell at me! Please don't do this to me.

I spent a year in Afghanistan.

I have sometimes very low tolerance for pressure.

- Well, come on! - One moment. I will check it.

What is wrong with the thing?

Fuck me! It's not working.

Hold on. Okay. What is wrong?

Oh, okay. Okay. Excuse me.

This is the problem. It is feces flying into the fan.

Here's the problem. There are function keys.

One is for humans and one is for simians.

- You're not a simian. - No, I'm not.

- I had you as a baboon. Okay. - Sorry.

- I didn't... - Hold on, I have figured it out.

There you go. Were you here March 23?

- Yeah. - With her?

- Both: Yes. - Okay.

Everything is fine now. We're all back online.

And your baby... your baby

will be born on December 15.

Okay, now it is time for the physical examination.

Let's go take a look at your Volvo, okay?

Come with me into here. I warm my hands up for you.

Please, come in.

All right, madam. If you would take off your clothes

and get undressed, we will begin, okay?

You may stay in the room, sir, if you like.

That's fine, I'll wait in...

Don't you dare leave me alone with him.

- I'll stay. I'd like to stay. - Very good.

Okay. Let me get it ready for you.

Okay. I think we've worked out all the insects.

Giddyup.

Run.

- That lunatic is not delivering me. - That's fine, he won't.

He's just a replacement. Dr. Green will be the...

Let me help you, honey. Just be gentle!

Honey, listen. I'm just thinking, about the baby...

let's just keep it to ourselves, huh?

Yeah, all right.

Talking about it before the third month is bad luck anyway, right?

- I think so. - Yeah.

- Marty! Look who's here. - Hey, look who's here!

- Hey, guys! What the hell? - Hi.

- Good to see you. How you doing? - Fine.

- Wow! When are you due? - Yeah.

- Oh, I'm not pregnant. - You're not pregnant?

- No. - Yeah, right.

Huh. What are you doing on the maternity floor?

Are we on the maternity floor? Good grief, we're completely lost.

Poor old Bec. She just had some bad Chinese.

Last night.

We're here to see the gastrointestinal specialist.

- What's his name? - His name?

Yeah, if you tell me his name, I could tell you what floor he's on.

That's right. She volunteers here. I've sold cars to almost every doctor.

I don't want to brag. What's his name?

- Bec, what's his name? - It's "Doctor" something, isn't it?

- It's Doctor... - This is ridiculous.

Excuse me.

Oh, gosh, thanks. I didn't even realize I'd left it.

Thank you very much.

You have a small pussy.

- What? - I found the little hairs on the bag.

- What? - You know, the koska.

You know, the...

- Oh, cat! - Yes, we have a cat.

- Well, you must get rid of it. - What?

Well, the cats, they spread the disease.

Oh yeah, yeah, with the small worms.

- Small worms, yeah, in the... - In the poop.

- Toxoplasmosis. - Toxoplasmosis. Thank you.

Thank you both very much, but Skippy is old and clean.

I don't think there'll be a problem in that direction.

Okay, well, it is your choice.

The cat or the baby.

Sorry to bring you that news.

- Baby. - Congratulations, guys.

- It's so exciting! - All right. Congratulations.

- Thank you. Thanks very much. - Wow. That's great.

- Hey, buddy. - I'm sorry.

That's all right, man. I've been lied to before.

You're pretty good at it, though.

We could use a man like you down at the car lot.

- Gail: Well, it's so exciting. - Marty: We're happy for you.

- How are you feeling? - I'm okay. I've been a little tired.

Everybody gets tired, you know?

It's just that the whole thing is just such a life-changing event.

- I'll give you my number. Call me. - I'd like that.

We can go baby shopping. Have lunch.

You've got to get that book "What to Expect When You're Expecting."

We got some great videos you can watch,

because we filmed every one of her births.

You've got to film your first one, 'cause that's the best, it's the bloodiest.

Blood everywhere, things are shooting in and out,

people are screaming, stuff's getting torn apart

- and sewn back together. - Oh, honey.

It's like a really good World War II movie.

- Let me give you my number. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

- So you gonna keep the car? - Yeah, it's fine now, thanks.

Cost a bit of money, but it's only three months old.

- But it only seats two people. - It always did.

Right, but you're gonna have a baby now,

so you're gonna need something bigger.

Yeah, you could never fit a car seat in there.

- You don't even have seat belts. - I don't even know where the trunk is.

Listen, stop down by the lot. I'll make you a good deal.

- All right? - Great.

- Honey, we gotta go. - Okay.

Bad Chinese. Buddy!

Come on, baby! Let's roll!

- See you guys! - Okay.

I hate him. I loathe him. I detest him.

You know, he just tried to sell me a new car. Can you believe that?

- Tacky or what? - Yeah, but he's right.

We're gonna need something bigger, something with four seats.

But, hon, you know how much I love my car.

And I've worked pretty hard for it.

Well, what do you suggest we do?

Tie the baby to the hood like a deer?

Well, no, but maybe you could get your own car.

On my salary? Come on.

Well, put it this way: I'm not getting rid of the car. Simple as that.

What about the cat?

Huh?

You believe Dr. Zhivago in there?

- The monkey doctor? - He's right about the cat.

I've read about it. Cats can be dangerous for a baby.

Not only can they give a baby toxoplasmosis,

but they can suffocate the baby, they could claw the baby.

Skippy is 16 years old. He can barely move.

He's half blind. He hasn't got the strength to suffocate anyone.

What about hygiene? You know, in the kitchen.

You get cat hair on a baby bottle, a cat can lick a baby's dish,

- you get cat saliva everywhere. - Now just wait.

You said that this baby wouldn't change our life!

Now suddenly I have to sell the car I love,

I have to get rid of the cat I've had for 16 years.

I mean, this is the second month

and our lives are practically unrecognizable!

I really appreciate your asking us to come along.

I'm kind of hoping that this will get Samuel excited about having a baby.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Yeah, because if things don't change, then...

I'm thinking about leaving him.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure, you are.

I thought about leaving Marty all the time.

But this is his first time. You've got to give him a chance.

No, you don't understand. He's completely uninvolved.

This whole baby thing really scares him.

Yeah, he's just probably having trouble facing it.

See, if you have a baby, that means he's gotta grow up.

That's what he's really afraid of. The baby's the fun part.

That's fun.

You know? I mean, look at all this stuff.

Yeah! Whoo!

Boy, he's gonna love this.

So you know you're having a boy, right?

Yeah.

- Gail took one of those amnio tests? - No.

- Well, how do you know, then? - I just know.

How?

I can tell it's a boy by the way she's carrying it all in the front.

They don't often carry them at the back, do they?

No. Okay, if it's a boy,

you carry him low down, like this. You know?

If it's a girl, it's up like this. If it's a boy, it's down like this.

Right? Okay?

Plus, there are special ways to ensure that it'll be a boy.

What do you mean special ways?

Well, when we made love...

- Yeah? ...we used special positions.

Please, that's an old wives' tale, that stuff.

You'll see.

Sometimes I'm not sure I want this baby.

Missy, of course you do.

It's just such a privilege.

There's hundreds of women

who spend thousands of dollars every day trying to get pregnant.

It's like our profound biological right.

It's something men can never experience.

It has to be at the right time for you, but really it's a miracle.

And then when the baby comes,

there's moments of sheer happiness.

Even if you're alone?

I mean, I know that it's fashionable, PC, all that,

to be a strong, independent single mother,

and I'm prepared for that.

You know, I can do that.

But I would love this baby

to have a mother and a father.

I would love to have a family,

and I would love to marry Samuel.

All he has to do is ask.

Oh, missy.

Okey-dokey.

Okay, girls, you tell your mommy if she loves you,

she'll buy you the whole Arnie collection.

Thank you, Arnie!

- Okay, who loves you, girls? - Arnie.

You know it. Bye-bye.

Hey, there, fellers.

How about taking home a new Arnie doll for the kiddies?

No, thank you, buddy.

Hey, mister, you'd look great in one of my "Arnie Loves You" t-shirts.

They come in extra-extra-extra large.

I bet they do, but no, thank you.

How about one of my new "Arnie Loves You" videos?

- ~ Love is for you and me... ~ - No, thanks! Okay?

- ~ We are one big family. ~ - Shut up, okay?

- I'm not gonna buy your damn video! - But the kids will love it.

No, my kids will hate it because they think your show sucks.

- Oh. - But, thanks. Thanks anyway.

Well, sure. Hey, no hard feelings, okay?

- All right. Sorry. - That's okay.

- So long. - So long.

You cheap shit.

- What did you say? - Huh?

Gee, I didn't say nothing, mister. You must be hearing things.

- He didn't say anything. Forget it. - Bye-bye.

Arnie loves you. You penis-head.

- Now, I heard that! - Heard what?

- I heard what you said! - Come on, Marty, forget it.

He's someone pathetic in a dinosaur suit.

There's children around here, for God's sakes.

Forget it. Forget it. Come on, let's go.

So long, you fat-ass pussy.

- That's it! - No.

- Yes! - Uh-oh.

No, no, Marty!

Come on. Come on, you little wiener!

Come on, you bitch!

Here's one for the queen.

Hey! I'll get him, Sammy!

Hey, cut it out.

Arnie: You hit like a girl, you flatulent butthead.

I'll take both of you wieners on.

- You and that pussy boyfriend. - Right, you bastard!

- You scum-sucking bottom feeders. - Come on!

Hey, tell your sister to let go of my tail,

you weak-wristed nancy-boy!

Get off me, you fat bastard!

I'll shove an "Arnie Loves You" lunch box up your ass!

- Right! - That was nothing.

- Marty! - Samuel!

- Hi, honey! We'll be right with you. - He is such a jerk.

- Shit, we're in trouble. - Oh sure, run to Mommy.

- He started it. - I'll wipe the floor with you.

Wow. That's quite a breakfast you've got there.

Mm-hmm.

You certainly got your appetite back.

Mm, boy.

I don't know if you noticed,

but the first three months were really tough on me.

But now my breasts don't hurt,

no more nausea, no more insomnia. I feel great.

Oh, good news.

So I was thinking, you know,

I know it's been two months since we made love,

but maybe we could fool around tonight.

Check! Leave the breakfast.

No, but I haven't finished the food.

- I'll be right back. - What?

I'll be right back.

- Wait here for me. - Yeah, right. Right.

Ready when you are.

Ah!

Ready.

~ I've been really trying, baby ~

~ Trying to hold back this feeling for so long... ~

Oh, my God.

~ And if you feel ~

~ Like I feel, baby ~

- ~ Then come on... ~ - Oh, wow.

~ Oh, come on, whoo ~

~ Let's get it on ~

~ Oh, baby ~

~ Let's get it on ~

~ Let's love, baby ~

~ Let's get it on ~

~ Sugar, let's get it on ~

~ Whoo-hoo... ~

- What is it? - It moved.

Huh? What moved?

The baby, it moved.

Oh.

- Oh, right. - Here. Put your hand here.

It's like bubbles.

- I don't feel anything. - No, just wait.

Oh, it stopped.

- What a shame. - Yeah.

- It's an incredible feeling. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Well...

I guess I got plenty more time to feel it.

Yeah. Yeah.

Honey, do you think we're hurting the baby?

No. No.

Because if I can feel it, then it can feel me.

No, I don't think so.

- I don't think so. - Yes. Yes.

Yes, it can.

What if the baby can see?

Um, see what, my love?

Your penis coming toward it.

That could scare the hell out of a baby.

Rebecca, I...

What if your penis hit it in the head and caused brain damage or something?

- Are you serious? - I don't know. I don't know.

I just don't think we should make love until we talk to the doctor.

Please?

We don't know what could happen, hon.

Okay.

Fine.

Fine. Fine. Fine.

But you know what?

I bet if we wait a while, we can feel the baby move again.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That'll be just as much fun.

- That's my game. - Fuck! Shit! Shit!

- Hey, hey, Sam. - Fuck!

Okay, that's it.

No more tennis for today. That's it.

What happened to your British etiquette?

This John McEnroe thing is scaring me.

Sam, what's the matter? What's the matter?

I am in the middle of a nervous breakdown.

I can see. You're gonna have a thrombo.

What's the matter? Why?

Okay. Rebecca is pregnant. There.

What?

I am completely sexually frustrated. I do not sleep at night.

I have these appalling nightmares all the time.

About what?

The latest nightmare is that the baby is deformed.

You know, it's missing an arm or it's got little cauliflower ears

or an eye in the middle of its forehead.

I can't stand it. I don't know why.

Do you want the baby?

I don't know what I want anymore.

Well, what about an abortion?

No, we're in the fifth month. It's too late.

Absolutely. Sit. Sit. Sit. Relax.

Let's talk about this for real. My God.

Jesus. I mean, you love Rebecca, right?

- Yeah, I adore her. - Okay, okay.

You've gotta be honest with her, you know?

Always let her know how you're feeling. You've gotta talk to her.

Talk to her. Christine and I never talked.

We were idiots. We threw it all away, and now look at me.

Look what I've become.

What do you mean? You have a wonderful time dating young girls.

Sam, my life's a pile of shit.

It's a pile of shit.

It's empty and pointless, all those women.

My sister Gail is right. If I continue this way,

I'm facing a lifetime alone

without a family.

I don't want to die like Van Gogh. It's terrifying.

If you want to know the truth,

man, I'd give anything to have Christine back.

That's the truth. And sometimes...

God strike me dead for admitting this,

sometimes I think I'd like to be a father.

Sorry. Right, you're serious. You'd probably make a good dad.

Well, you know, whatever.

But me and you, we're getting older.

I think it's time for us to face our responsibilities.

But don't lose Rebecca.

She's the best thing that ever happened to you.

Hey, guys. It's the 30th.

- Your membership fees are due. - My sister takes care of that.

- Oh, really? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait. Did she just say it was the 30th?

- Yeah, why? - Shit.

- What's up? - Shit.

- What's the matter? - This isn't happening. No.

What?

Today's our second ultrasound. I've missed it.

I swore I wouldn't miss it. I've missed it.

Uh-oh.

The appointment was at 11:00. I can make it.

- Go. - Yeah.

Shit.

Oh, shit.

Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Sorry.

- Dr. Thatcher, please. - She's in there.

Sir, do I have you down for an appointment?

Sir?

- Mr. Faulkner? - Yeah.

She left about 15 minutes ago.

Thanks. Thank you.

Would you like to know the sex?

You mean the sex of the baby?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

- Does Rebecca know? - Yes.

Okay, then.

It's a boy.

A boy.

Thanks.

- Thanks very much. - Mm-hmm.

Great.

So...

that means, presumably, you can actually see his whatnot.

- Penis. - Penis. Yeah.

And it's fine, is it?

I mean, size-wise and all that kind of stuff?

Perfect.

Right. Lovely.

And I assume everything else is as it should be.

You know, the lip and eyes in the right spot?

And nothing whatsoever here?

Everything looks fine.

Here, watch this with Rebecca. She forgot to take it.

Yeah. Okay, good.

This is... that's actually him? That's my son?

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

- Mr. Faulkner? - Yeah?

Pregnant women need a lot of support.

Be affectionate with her. Kiss her a lot.

She was pretty emotional earlier.

Right.

Thanks.

Bec?

Hi.

What are you doing?

I'm leaving.

Bec, wait.

I mean, I know I've missed a few appointments, but...

Look, you don't care about me.

You don't care about this baby.

You're too wrapped up in your own feelings to deal with this pregnancy.

You're just not ready to be a father.

- Where will you go? - Marty and Gail's.

Marty and Gail's?

I don't wanna move in with my parents

and all my girlfriends are single.

They don't need some pregnant person living with them.

Gail and I have gotten to be really close.

She knows what it's like to be pregnant,

and she'll get me through this.

- And the baby? - I'll raise the baby.

Alone?

Yeah.

I'll get an apartment. I can do it by myself.

Bec.

His little heart's beating.

- Marty, hi. - Hi.

Is she here?

She said she never wants to see you again.

Please, please, just let me talk to her for two seconds.

I feel for you, buddy. But if I let you in here,

I'm gonna be in the dog house big time and I'm gonna have to live with you.

- You're a great kisser and all, but... - Gail: Marty, who is it?

- It's my mom, honey. - But your mother's dead.

- I know. It's really weird. I'm sorry. - Marty, please. Please.

Look, at least just tell her one... just...

What do you think of this? Take a look at this.

You're aiming specifically at the hotel-room market now, huh?

You're right. It's a hotel-room painting.

That's what it is. It's terrible. Look at that.

- What happened to the nudes? - They weren't selling.

It's cheaper for guys to buy a copy of "Playboy."

This is terrible. Here. Bon voyage. Goodbye.

I deep-sixed it. There. Sleep with the fishes.

You're absolutely right.

I can smell the room service on that painting.

It's terrible. But it's you.

It's that you're around.

That's why I'm painting this way. You're very unhappy.

You're like the antidote to exhilaration.

If I take any more of this in, I'm gonna be painting cats and clowns.

Is it Rebecca? You haven't heard from her?

No, I haven't heard from her.

I've told you so many times, she refuses to see me.

She won't answer my calls,

reply to my letters.

It's a total shutoff.

I've thrown away the most important thing in my life.

Just like that.

You need a new outlook.

No, no, don't scoff.

Listen, forget about Rebecca.

How could you say that to me? You were the one who pointed out,

reminded me that she was the most important thing

in my life only just weeks ago.

I never said that.

You said it at the tennis court.

Oh, yeah, I did.

Well, so what if I did? That was then, but now it's over.

You gotta get on with your life.

Listen to this: Buy some new clothes.

I'm telling you, we'll learn a new sport.

I'll throw a party, and you'll meet some new people.

Come on. We'll have some fun.

I don't think so, Sean.

Start with a smile. Just smile, for heaven's sakes.

Well, that's hideous.

But, you know, that's the idea.

- Ah! - ~ Oh, darling ~

~ I'm so lonely without you ~

~ Can't sleep at night ~

~ Always thinking about you... ~

That's okay. There you go.

~ But if I had the chance... ~

- Hey, Sean. - Stephanie.

~ I would be wishing today on a four-leaf clover ~

~ And leaving would be the last thing on my mind ~

~ If I could turn back the hands of time... ~

Sean!

~ Oh, baby ~

~ I would turn back the hands of time ~

- ~ Oh, darling... ~ - Aren't you a little old for this?

You want an ambulance?

Watch your step.

~ But the pain is getting deep ~

~ Oh, the hurt keeps getting stronger ~

~ But if I had just one more try ~

~ I would be yours alone ~

~ Until the day I die ~

~ And we would have a love so divine ~

~ If I could turn back the hands of time ~

~ If I could turn back the hands of time ~

~ Oh, baby ~

~ If I could turn back the hands of time ~

~ Mmm, remember, girl ~

~ That I love you ~

~ Oh, darling ~

~ I'm so lonely without you ~

~ Can't sleep at night ~

~ Always thinking about you... ~

- You wanna dance? - No.

Come on. Don't be such a stiff.

~ I would be wishing today on a four-leaf clover ~

~ And leaving would be the last thing on my mind ~

~ If I could turn back the hands of time ~

~ If I could turn back the hands of time ~

~ Oh, baby ~

~ If I could turn back the hands of time ~

~ I love you ~

~ If I could turn back the hands of time ~

~ Girl, I need you. ~

- Thanks for the ride home. - Pleasure. Pleasure.

Wanna come up for coffee?

No, thanks. No. I'm just gonna shoot off.

Oh.

Do you wanna come up for sex?

Wow.

That's pretty direct.

Um...

No, the thing is, Lili, I think...

I mean, you're incredibly attractive,

but I think it's just a bit early for me to get involved.

So I'll take a rain check on that. Another day.

Marty: All right, seriously folks, if you guys travel a lot,

this is the perfect vehicle 'cause you got a lot of room in the back.

You can actually put a queen size waterbed in the back.

- You ever been on a waterbed? - I love waterbeds.

- Can I help you, sir? - I'm looking for Mr. Dwyer.

- He's right over there. - Thanks.

That's nice on a cross-country journey. Listen, I'll be right back.

Okay, just enjoy the car.

Thanks for coming down, man. I missed you.

Thanks.

Well, this is very painful for me,

but I want to buy a new car.

Buddy! It's about time.

We happen to have a few around here, you know.

Listen, how's Rebecca?

- She's great. - You're taking good care of her?

Yeah, Gail's taking her out shopping and they're exercising and stuff.

Then I make them dinner every night.

Right. She's really doing okay?

Yeah, she is. The first month was bad, crying a lot.

But she hasn't even mentioned your name in the last two weeks.

I think she's getting over you.

Come here. This is the car for you.

Listen, Marty.

- Yes? - I need to see her.

- She doesn't want to see you. - I know, I know.

But I really have to speak to her, okay? I want her back.

That's gonna take a lot of convincing.

Please, do something for me. Just organize a chance meeting.

Like you bring her to a grocery store

or a restaurant or something and I just happen to be there.

- I don't know. - I know, I know, I know.

Ask Gail if I could babysit your kids on Saturday afternoon.

- You want to babysit for my kids? - Yes! In fact, it's brilliant,

because then it will convince Rebecca that I like being around children.

No, no, no. That's gonna get me in big trouble with Gail.

You know how mad she gets. No.

Marty, please do this for me!

Okay. Okay, I will.

Thanks. Excellent. Excellent.

Excellent.

Oh, there we go.

- This is fun, isn't it? - Yeah.

Isn't this jolly, Molly? Yes.

Listen to this.

"I removed the victim's brains with an ice-cream scooper."

Awesome, huh?

Shannon, there are other children here,

and they really don't want to hear all that beastly stuff, all right?

So you just be quiet, hmm?

- Higher! - Yes, higher.

Patsy, no. That's not funny, my love.

Don't strangle the little boy.

But he likes it. Say uncle!

- Yes, that's it. - Hey, Sam!

- Just put him down. - Sam!

Shit.

- Sam, are you okay? - All right. Fine.

- Are you all right? - Yeah. Yeah. Good.

We're all getting on well here.

- Is Rebecca coming? - No.

- No? Marty, we had an agreement. - She's in the hospital, Sam.

- The hospital? - Yeah.

Why? What's wrong?

There might be a problem with the pregnancy.

What kind of problem? What are you talking about?

The doctors don't know yet, but she's with them.

- And they're good doctors. - Jesus Chr...

Be careful, Sam.

- Which room is Rebecca Taylor in? - 615.

- Where's that? - Just around the corner.

Gail.

- Hi. - So is she gonna be all right?

- Yeah, she's gonna be fine. - Oh.

She just started having some contractions

and she started dilating a little,

so they just want to keep her here overnight,

restrict her movement.

It just sometimes happens in the seventh month.

- The baby's okay? - Yeah, baby's great.

So, can I see her?

- Don't upset her. - I won't.

- Promise? - Yeah, promise.

Okay.

Thanks.

- Hi. - Hi.

What are you doing here?

Well, you know, I was worried about you and the baby.

We're gonna be fine.

Yeah, that's what Gail said.

Is this... is this noise...

- Is that the baby's heartbeat? - Yeah.

- Strong. - Yeah.

Bec, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I was a disgrace.

I mean, I know...

I know now exactly what a bastard I was.

I was... I was completely selfish,

and you had absolutely every right to walk out on me.

But I just want you to reconsider.

- Sam, please, no. - Let me just explain.

I think...

I know that I've changed.

You don't believe in change.

No, I do. I do now.

Change is great. Change is what it's all about.

Anyone who doesn't believe in change is a coward,

which is what I was.

I was scared.

I was scared of losing control

and of losing you

or what we had together, and losing my youth.

- Aren't you now? - No, especially not my youth.

I mean, my youth is here, doing well.

I'd really love to believe this.

Listen, I've seen the second ultrasound,

the one you left at Dr. Thatcher's the day I was late.

The point is...

I don't care what I think or don't think anymore.

I don't give a damn about me.

- I'm in love with my child. - You are?

And I'm completely in love with you for having it.

Samuel, you almost ruined everything, and I...

Please. It's the seventh month.

The baby can hear you.

How do you know that?

Because I know about babies now. I've been reading up.

You know, Dr. Brazelton.

"What to Expect When You're Expecting."

Penelope Leach. I've been to a Lamaze class.

- I was the only single father there. - Really?

And I sold the Porsche.

Oh, I don't believe that.

Yep. Marty gave me a terrible deal on a big family car.

- He did? - Yes, it's parked outside.

Car seat, family extras.

It just needs a family.

And...

there's this.

Open it.

Would you be my wife?

Yes.

Yes!

On one condition.

Okay.

Lose the earring.

Okay, it's gone.

~ Have I ever told you ~

~ How good it feels to hold you? ~

~ It isn't easy to explain ~

~ And though I really keep trying ~

~ I think I may start crying ~

~ My heart can't wait another day ~

~ When you kiss me I've just got to say ~

~ Baby, I love you ~

~ Come on, baby ~

~ Baby, I love you ~

~ Please, baby ~

~ Baby, I love you ~

~ Come on, baby ~

~ Baby, I love you. ~

Thank you. I've always wanted to be carried over a threshold.

- Good. - Are you all right?

Yeah.

- I've got something to show you. - Yeah?

Oh, Samuel.

It's...

it's beautiful.

You did this all by yourself?

Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you.

It's perfect.

- How are you feeling? - Okay.

But my feet are really swollen and my back's killing me.

Well, look, leave this to me.

I'm going to pull a few strings.

All right.

Hi. Look, I'm sorry to bother you, but my wife's pregnant.

In fact, she's due in two weeks, and I was just wondering...

Lili.

- Samuel. - Hi.

- Hi. - What a coincidence.

How long have you been working here?

- Three weeks. - Three weeks?

How are things?

Busy.

Obviously.

So listen, Lili, how long is the wait for a table gonna be?

Give me a few minutes. I'll seat you right away.

Okay, great.

Great.

Well, succès.

- She's just setting the table now. - Do you know her?

- Who? - The hostess.

- The hostess? - Mm-hmm.

I've never seen her before in my life.

Samuel.

- She called you Samuel. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's my name.

Yeah, but you're on a first-name basis

with a woman you've never seen before in your life?

She took my first name. See?

Some places, they do that. They take the first name.

Some places they use last names. Here, they use first names.

- You're silly. - Yeah.

You're paranoid.

- Well, sorry. - Go on.

- What is it? - I think that...

- Shit! - What? What?

- I cut my hand. - Wow, that's bad.

- Samuel. - Hang on. This is quite serious.

- Samuel. - That is going to need stitches.

- Samuel. - What?

- My water broke. - We'll get you another.

No, my water broke!

- This water broke? - Yeah.

- That means it's time, doesn't it? - That's right, it's time.

- Then we've gotta go to the hospital. - Right.

Go! Go! Go!

Wait. Wait for me!

I got the doctor's machine again.

Where could he be? At some bloody doctor's party?

The bastard. Come on. Please go faster.

When did you sell the Porsche?

I knew it!

- What, hon? - You slept with her, didn't you?

- While we were apart. - Listen, it was completely innocent.

Nothing happened. I was completely faithful to you.

Lili, tell her. Wasn't I completely faithful?

- Completely faithful. - There. See?

No. I don't believe you. If it was all so innocent,

then why did you lie about knowing her?

Only because I didn't want to upset you because you were in a fragile state.

I'm in a much more fragile state now.

Listen, I swear to you, on the life of my child,

I did not sleep with this woman!

Samuel, stop!

Jesus.

Jesus.

- I'm sorry. Are you all right? - You stupid son of a bitch!

- He has a heart condition! - My wife...

- Learn to drive! - I'm sorry.

What? George! Are you all right?

- I'm having chest pains. - I'll call an ambulance.

Look, I'm on the way to the hospital, if you'd like a ride.

Samuel: Where is Dr. Green?

Get off the phone and drive, limey scumbag!

Would you leave me alone? Leave me alone, you mad witch!

Get off! Sorry.

Where is Dr. Green?

- Did you try his home number? - Yes.

- What about his beeper? - Yes. No.

- Do you have that number? - Yeah, it's around here somewhere.

Where is that bloody number?

Samuel.

- I got it. - The bicycle!

Jesus.

- I'm sorry. Are you all right? - My leg is broken.

- Shit! - Help me.

- Yes! Help! - Help me.

Just stay there. Just stay there.

Are you trying to kill everyone in San Francisco, you asshole?

We don't have time for this.

My husband is having a heart attack!

- Where are you taking me? - Shut up, or I'll break the other leg!

You! Over here.

I've got stitches, heart attack, woman in labor,

oh, and broken leg.

- Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. - Oh, my God.

Come! Quick!

Gently, gently.

There we go. Got it. Got it.

Please. Please. Please. Please.

She's... please!

Lady, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

- It's all right, honey. - I beg your pardon.

Hi.

Shit.

- I'm sorry. Are you all right? - Get me out of here.

You all right?

- May I help you? - Yes. Rebecca Faulkner for Dr. Green.

- Her water's broken. - I'll get the doctor for you, sir.

Okay. Come on! Move!

- Hey, don't push me! - Okay, I beg your pardon.

- I'll get the doctor. - Honey, how are you feeling?

- The baby's ready. - What do you mean ready?

To come out!

Jesus Christ Almighty. Where is the bloody doctor?

Here I am.

Please, don't do that.

No! No! Hi.

Where's Dr. Green? Where's our doctor?

- Miami. - Miami?

He is on vacation. You are two weeks early.

You're not the replacement doctor, are you?

- Yes, I am. - No.

Oh, no. I want someone else.

- There is nobody else. - There must be.

There must be someone else. Find me another doctor!

There's no one else! All right?!

It is a full moon. Everybody is going into labor.

Look around you. There are not enough doctors.

There are not enough nurses and not enough delivery rooms, okay?

So unless you want to deliver this baby yourself, follow me!

Ow!

Oh, God. I'm okay.

I'm a little nervous, okay? It's my first delivery.

If there aren't any delivery rooms, where is she having the baby?

I'm gonna put her in with another one of my patients.

You mean we're sharing a room?

I'm sorry. We're a little overbooked, okay?

Let's go!

We must get this woman on the delivery table immediately, if not later.

- Come on. Let's go. - Where are you taking me?

You're looking good. You're dilated to seven centimeters.

- How much is that? - Like that. Okay? Got it?

Very good.

You look uncomfortable. I'm going to raise you down.

- No! Don't touch anything! - All right. All right.

Hey, buddy.

What are you doing here?

I'm cruising for chicks. Come on, I'm having a baby, for God's sakes.

Hi. Hi. How are you feeling?

You look terrible. Just terrible.

- All good. Sounds very good. - Where's my husband?

- She wasn't due for three weeks. - I know, but it's a full moon.

Women are spouting them out like crazy.

Oh, good, everybody's old friends. Back to work!

Smile, Doc. How's she doing over there, Doc?

She's great. God bless America, okay?

Honey. Honey, smile.

Smile for me, honey. I love you so much. Smile.

You're so beautiful. It's not bad, is it? It doesn't hurt.

- I need something for the pain. - Okay, I'll get you something.

I need something. Knock me out!

Knock me... ow!

Can't you give her something for the pain?

- You don't want natural childbirth? - No!

- Okay. You want Anastasia? - What?

- Drugs, yes? - Yes!

Okay, give me a moment. I'm thinking.

- You mean you don't know? - Kind of.

Well, think, you commie bastard!

- Shut up, you limey bitch! - Sorry.

I can't take the pressure. Don't yell at me.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. It's fine. It's fine.

Valium!

- Valium's no good for her. - No, for me.

No!

- I've got it! - Oh, thank God.

- Nurse. - Yes, Doctor?

Call the anesthesiologist. This woman needs an enema.

- An enema? - Enema?

- Enema? - No. She needs a pedicure.

- Pedicure? - This ain't no goddamn beauty parlor.

- Epitaph! - She's not dead, you moron!

Epidermis? What is it? Epilady?

- Epidural, asshole! - That's right!

Yes! That's what I mean.

- Go on, then! - Epidural. Epidural.

I always get those confused... enema, pedicure, epidermal.

I should buy myself a clitoris.

Clitor... you need a thesaurus is what you need!

A clitoris. Don't even know what he needs.

What are you doing? Go away from here.

Honey, I'm so proud of you and I love you so much.

I hate you. You did this to me!

You miserable piece of dick-brained horseshit!

Slime-sucking son of a whore bitch!

That's perfect, sweetheart.

I got it all on film. The kids are gonna love it.

Maybe I'll put it in the...

Get out! Get out!

You're the one! You are the one!

Hi, everyone. Hi, I'm Dr. Newsoe. I'm here to administer the epidural.

Rebecca: Oh, yes! Thank God!

You're going to inject that thing into my wife?

Mm-hmm. Right into her spine.

Uh-huh. Good. Excellent.

- Hey! - Where are you going?

Look, you see? That is why women have the babies.

You see? Because men can't handle the pa...

- Hey, you guys! - Nurse!

Get some smelling salts and get these men up off the floor!

- It's okay, honey. - Help me. Help me.

Breathe. We'll help you.

- I need some help. - Take a deep breath.

I need some help.

- No time for an epidural. - No? Why?

- Where are you sending him? - There's no time for an epidural.

I checked her cervix. She's dilated to 10.

Doctor, this woman is also dilated to 10.

Hi, everybody. Smile big!

- Give me a smile. - What are you doing?

I'm recording history. I'm making you guys a souvenir.

- Isn't it great? - Get that thing off her face now!

- We watch them at Christmas. - Give it to me!

- Whoa, I got a great shot of the head. - I don't give a...

- Asshole! - You broke my camera.

- Yeah. - Sam, I'm sorry.

Listen, I'm sorry, man. I got a little carried away.

You bastard!

What? Wait there.

It's too late for the medication. Hold on. I'm coming.

Whoa!

Keep breathing. Breathe, breathe.

I cannot believe you're fighting now!

This is my moment.

- It is your moment. - This is my miracle.

Samuel!

Four, five, six, seven...

Now we're ready for the final push, all right?

And you push!

There you go. There!

And she's out!

I will get the clamp. There we go. And the scissors.

There we go. And she is free from you.

You have a girl. Unless I cut the wrong cord.

Bad joke. I'm very sorry.

Dr. Kosevich: We go see Papa.

Okay. Hey, congratulations, Papa.

You have a big, beautiful girl.

Can we still call her Samuel?

- She's not yours. She's yours. - No, she's not.

No, she's not. I've already got three girls.

- Four, actually, counting this one. - Holy shit!

Jeez. Good luck on your new baby.

What's going on here, honey? I bought all that cowboy stuff.

I bought all that cowboy stuff and I bought the sports stuff

and I bought all the other stuff.

Is there another one in there, honey? What happened?

- Isn't she beautiful? - Yes, she is, honey.

But how's she gonna play for the 49ers?

- She could play. - No. You think so?

- Yeah, she could do anything. - She's got a pretty good arm.

Push. One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

Come on. Work for your baby. Work.

All right, I know it hurts, but you have to come back now.

Listen to me. Okay?

I don't want you to tear. You have to control your push.

It's burning. It's burning.

Here you go! The baby's head is out. Syringe.

One more push and you will see your baby.

Time for the final push.

You ready? Here we go. Ready?

Easy, easy, easy. Easy. Easy.

You have it.

Another clamp, please. Another clamp.

Open your eyes. Take a look at your son.

- You have a boy, a beautiful boy. - Oh, my God.

Say hello to Papa.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

Thank you for choosing me.

He's very handsome. He's got very big testicles, too.

Well, yes, he would have.

All right, okay.

- Goodbye. - Thanks.

- You see this? - I know. It's great, isn't it?

We're a family.

Thanks.

Hey.

She's looking at me.

She's got your eyes.

- Think so? - Yeah.

- And your hair and your figure, in fact. - Shut up.

I guess having another girl's not so bad.

Yeah. I mean, you'll just have to keep trying for a boy.

- Yeah. - Think of all the new positions.

Yeah.

Jesus, poor Gail.

Listen, I'm sorry about your camera.

Oh, no. I was out of line. It's my fault.

Mart...

I just want to say thanks.

For what?

Well, for today. For...

Without you and Gail, I just probably wouldn't be here

and probably wouldn't be a dad, so...

You're welcome, buddy. I love you.

And I love you, big guy.

- Hey! - Hey, we did it, huh?

- I'm sorry about what happened. - Oh, no.

No, really. We underestimated you.

Oh, please. Without you, come on. Hey, we make a great team.

Hey, Doc, have you been celebrating a little bit there?

Oh, just a little.

Come on, we'll crack another bottle, okay?

I'll be right back. First, I have to circumcise your son.

Okay. Huh?

- What? Dr. Kosevich! - Shit!

I'll go.

Aw, poor baby. Shh.

~ These are the days of the endless summer ~

~ These are the days, the time is now ~

~ There is no past ~

~ There's only the future ~

~ There's only here ~

~ There's only now... ~

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

Sorry if we woke you.

He was a bit tense, so I thought we'd have a bit of dancing here.

It's very good for tension.

~ Oh, the radiant heart ~

~ And the song of glory ~

~ Crying freedom ~

~ In the night ~

~ These are the days ~

~ By the sparkling river... ~

You wanna dance with Mommy?

She's a professional. She's better than me.

~ This is the love ~

~ Of the one magician ~

~ Turned the water ~

~ Into wine, all right ~

~ These are the days. ~

~ Whoa-oh, whoa-oh-oh-oh ~

~ Have I ever told you ~

~ How good it feels to hold you? ~

~ It isn't easy to explain ~

~ And though I really keep trying ~

~ I think I may start crying ~

~ My heart can't wait another day ~

~ When you kiss me I've just got to say ~

~ Baby, I love you ~

~ Come on, baby ~

~ Baby, I love you ~

~ Oo-whee, baby ~

- ~ Baby, I love you ~ - ~ Baby, I love only you ~

~ Whoa-oh, whoa-oh-oh-oh ~

~ I can't live without you ~

~ I love everything about you ~

~ I can't help it if I feel this way ~

~ Oh, I'm so glad I found you ~

~ I want my arms around you ~

~ I love to hear you call my name ~

~ Oh, tell me that you feel the same ~

~ Baby, I love you ~

~ Come on, baby ~

~ Baby, I love you ~

~ Please, baby ~

~ Baby, I love you ~

~ Come on, baby ~

~ Baby, I love you ~

~ Oo-whee, baby ~

~ Baby, I love you. ~

~ This is the time of your life ~

~ What you gonna do with it? ~

~ Don't fool with it ~

~ This is the time of your life ~

~ You better face it ~

~ Don't waste it ~

~ Don't think about the future ~

~ Don't think about the past ~

~ There's just this moment ~

~ Better make it last ~

~ Yeah, you better get it right ~

~ 'Cause this is the time of your life ~

~ Oh, yeah ~

~ I'm looking down on the rooftops ~

~ The changes are coming too fast ~

~ Don't have no answers ~

~ Don't even know what questions to ask ~

~ I'm better off saying nothing ~

~ Than telling you lies ~

~ Trying to ride out the fire ~

~ And a kiss goodnight ~

~ I'm lost if I don't see myself in your eyes ~

~ Oh ~

~ This is the time of your life ~

~ What you gonna do with it? ~

~ Don't fool with it ~

~ This is the time of your life ~

~ You better face it ~

~ Don't waste it ~

~ Don't think about the future ~

~ Don't think about the past ~

~ There's just this moment ~

~ You better make it last ~

~ You better get it right ~

~ 'Cause this is the time ~

~ Of your life ~

~ This is the time, baby ~

~ The time ~

~ This is the time of your life ~

~ What you gonna do with it? ~