Original subtitles

- Sloan: Since the beginning of time,

man has been obsessed with his own image,

and now, with our new body sculpting technique,

that image can be perfected.

What's the secret, you ask?

Does it really work?

As you can see, our results speak for themselves.

This is Debbie before the skin deep treatment,

and this is Debbie three days later.

- Skin deep by Sloan helped change my life.

Now, I'm here to help change yours.

- Sloan: A 100% painless, completely natural procedure,

skin deep by Sloan is the biggest breakthrough

in body management history.

Hi, I'm Dr. Herbert Sloan,

and I promise you'll have the perfect body

that you deserve.

Sloan: Skin deep by Sloan,

feel the miracle and see the difference.

- Wow. You... you're Debbie from the TV.

- May I help you? - I'm Henry quail.

I got an email.

Here you are, Mr. Quail.

We wanna thank you for being such a loyal customer

over the years, it says here you've been

a steady consumer of Dr. Sloan's previous products.

- Well, I've eaten my share of his ginkgo bilobapills.

- Which is why Dr. Sloan knew you would be perfect

to be one of the first presented

with this more effective treatment.

- Okay.

- The doctor will be right with you.

- Male nurse: Mr. Simmons, you can come on back.

- Sloan on TV: Now, with our body sculpting,

that image can be perfected.

What's the secret you ask?

I'm Henry.

- Kelly.

- It's kind of mysterious.

It's like we're gonna meet the real Dr. Sloan.

- I don't care if he's Dr. Seuss,

as long as he can make me look like her.

Man: Here he comes. Ssh.

That's him, that's Dr. Sloan.

- Welcome, everybody.

I'm Herbert Sloan with a skin deep solution

for every... body.

I see what you did there.

- Please, uh, come gather round right over here, friends.

Don't be shy.

- Male nurse: Like magic, Mr. Simmons, it's a new you!

Simmons: That's impossible.

- Woman: Wow, he's so skinny, how is that possible?

- Man #2: How did they do that? - Woman: He looks great.

- Ah. Donuts, anyone?

- I thought this was about losing weight, not gaining it.

- It is, but after signing with me,

you will never have to diet again.

- Hmm. We'll see.

- Well, maybe just one.

One.

- My new procedure will work on you.

And you, and you, and you.

- Really? - Sloan: Trust me.

You've never seen anything like this.

And my success rate is an unprecedented 100%.

- Sloan: Everyone knows there's no fountain of youth,

but it doesn't stop us from looking.

Man has been obsessed with his own image

since the beginning of time,

and now, that image can be perfected.

- What is that?!

- Since 2012, my team and I have collected ten specimens

from a water intake reservoir in South America.

To think, I was combing the Brazilian rainforest

searching for fat-melting berries,

when I discovered something so much more.

Beautiful, isn't it?

From this expedition, we concluded

that a high number of these large female anguiloforms

were effectively trapped in the reservoir,

unable to complete their breeding migration.

- Anguila-what? Is it an eel?

- In a way.

And you'd be surprised to learn how many species

there still are to be discovered on this planet.

We've learned... after extensive testing...

That it's an advanced form of a leech,

but with one major distinction: This one doesn't drink blood.

Once attached, it secretes a fluid that completely numbs

the patient's skin.

Then, the creature painlessly uses its saliva to...

- It eats fat.

-Ah... to put it simply, Kelly, yes.

It completely quuefies and absorbs excess adipose

stored within fat cells.

Nothing else is removed, of course, just fat.

- Ah. Of course.

- Think about it.

Diet and exercise, a thing of the past.

Believe me when I tell you it's indisputable.

Never again in our lifetime will we witness a truer

undiscovered miracle of nature.

Take my money.

Woman: How much does it cost?

- Follow me, please.

- Henry?

- You're not putting that thing on me.

Just hear me out.

Okay? No hard sell, this is me to you.

- What? Why me? - You don't even know me.

- But I do. Look.

I was you once.

And look at me now.

I've got fda approval, I had countless trials.

Look, total transparency?

I have sunk every dime I have into this.

Now, would I put it all on the line

if it wasn't completely safe?

Let me change your life.

-And I'm supposed to believe that no one has come across

this animal until now?

- It's incredibly rare, for starters.

We searched for months and only found ten. Ten.

Still, I braved uncharted territory

and reaped the rewards, but trust me, we all win here.

- I'm sorry.

It's too freaky for me.

I really can't do this.

But, uh... good luck.

- Salesman: Hot press, come and get it!

Alright, here you go, that'll be... that'll be $10.37.

I'll take the next in line. Sir, what can I get for you?

- Wow, have you been working out? You look great.

Salesman: And you're up.

- Just finished working out. - Ah, look.

- Salesman: Would you like a drink with that?

- Kelly: So this is where you disappear to.

- Kelly?

- Is that you? - Kelly: Mm-hmm.

It works.

- It's only been two weeks!

-And Sloan hired me to be a spokesmodel,

can you believe it?

- You look... fantastic!

You really did it?!

What... with the... the worm and the... the sucking?

- Totally painless, just like Sloan said.

A sip here, a sip there, it's a miracle.

Ooh, and he asked me to help introduce it

on "am america" tomorrow.

- You... you're gonna be on the show?

- Yeah, I can get you a couple tickets.

Well, just one ticket, right?

There is no plus one for a plus three.

Salesman: Order up!

- Hey, why don't you come be our volunteer?

Oh, come on, Henry. Opportunity knocks twice.

Henry. Everybody's doing it.

- Salesman: Order number 14! - That's me. Ta-ta!

- Is there anything I can get you? Water, some donuts?

- No, had a box. - We're really happy

you're here, Henry, Dr. Sloan is so excited

- to see your transformation. - Yeah.

- Are you excited? - I'm a little terrified.

- So was I when I did it, but it's nothing, really.

- See that man right there? - Henry: Yeah?

- He owns the station.

He did it, loved it, half the crew lined up.

- Henry: Wow, all these people, that's incredible.

- Director: Quiet on set, we're doing live

in three, two...

- Good morning, it's time for... - "Am america" live.

- Today we have a big show!

After months of secrecy and speculation,

Dr. Herbert Sloan is here to unveil his top secret

body-sculpting technique, due to be made available

to the public in just four days.

- Hmm, maybe I should try it on my love handles.

- Randy: But first, the celestial event

on everyone's mind: The big solar eclipse

happening this morning.

- It's being called the next great American eclipse.

So exciting!

- And we've got our own roving science expert,

Jim Scott, standing by at the horlicks observatory

to tell us all about it.

- Suzy: Hey, Jim! - Jim: Morning, Randy and Suzy,

hope you're not afraid of the dark because

this may be the most spectacular eclipse of our lifetime.

It's estimated to last no longer than 160 seconds,

but during that time, I'm told this will be seen

across the entire United States,

something that hasn't happened for almost a century.

- Now, that sounds spooky. - Anything to worry about?

- Not so much, but if you have pets,

you might wanna keep an eye on them.

Sometimes our furred and feathered friends

get a little jumpy during an eclipse.

- Ah, now, why's that?

- Well, there's been speculation that abnormal animal behavior

results in increased magnetic field flows

during an eclipse of this magnitude.

- I don't know what that means! - Me neither.

Thanks, Jim, let us know when it starts to get dark.

- Well, in keeping with our science theme,

we would like to welcome Dr. Sloan

with skin deep by Sloan.

- Thank you, it's great to be here.

- Now, I understand you're gonna be performing

this miracle procedure right here in this studio

in a matter of minutes.

- Randy, I think it's safe to say that you will be amazed.

- Wow, we will see right after this message.

Man: Clear.

- We're back in 90, folks. - Thank you.

- Okay. - We'll be right over.

- I guess this is it. - You nervous?

- You know, all my life I've struggled

with negative body image.

Diet pills, fat burners, I've tried everything.

And now... with one big slurp,

all my problems are gonna be gone.

I could have a dating life.

- Trust me, I've been swatting them away like flies.

- Hey, you think when this is all...

- Kelly: Excuse me. - Ah.

-Ah, there's my soon-to-be body-beautiful.

- Dr. Sloan... - I never should've doubted you.

- Water under the bridge, my friend.

-Alright, we're going live in three, two...

- Let's check in with another update from professor Jim Scott.

- It's starting to get darker out here,

the shadows are...

- Jim? - You okay, Jim? Buddy?

- I guess my own belly doesn't know what time it is.

Still fighting off last night's lasagne.

Randy and suzv:

- Well, keep us updated. - I hope he's okay!

- I'm sure he'll be fine.

- Well, let's saunter on over to Dr. Sloan

and witness another miracle of science.

Hey, there, Dr. Sloan.

Are you ready to kiss those pounds goodbye?

- Shall we?

- This... is Henry quail. - Hi, Henry.

- Hi, america.

-And this is our little wonder worm.

Randy: That is one big boy.

- A swamp dweller, you say? - Sloan: That's right.

Our ecosystem would collapse if nature

hadn't provided us with an abundance of animals

that play a significant role in mankind's existence...

Ants, termites, bats.

Without bees pollinating the world's food supply,

we'd be goners.

And this is another one of nature's miracles.

- Is it always that active?

- Probably all it wants is breakfast.

- Suzy: - Sloan: Ready, Henry?

- Kelly?

- Let's, uh... let... let's check on Jim.

The eclipse

seems to have...

- Jimbo? - Jim?

- Henry, is there something in my eye?

Ke -ah! Lly:

- Jim: The eclipse seems to have reached its zenith.

We're about at totality.

- Suzy: Oh, he does not look good. Jim?

Randy: You okay, Jim? Buddy?

All:

- Please help! - Henry, make it stop!

All:

All:

- This can't be happening...

Man: They said it was safe.

- They said it was safe.

- No. Stop! Stop!

All:

- I promise, this is safe. - This is not normal.

- Sloan. Sloan!

- You son of a bitch, you knew this was gonna happen!

- You knew! - No.

- You were gonna make millions and let people die like that?

- I didn't know! - You greedy bastard.

You didn't care how many people you killed

as long as you made a profit!

- This... wasn't... it wasn't like that.

Oh, god. Solar eclipses, the magnetic waves,

they affect birds and insects, who would've guessed leeches.

I never did see them reproduce...

- What are you talking about?!

- We... we were the same, Henry.

Unhappy, desperate,

looking in the mirror and... and hating ourselves!

- See, that's the wrong attitude.

- I was close to 300 pounds. - Hmm.

- Always looking for an easy cure, the fast miracle,

but then... then my team discovered the leech.

- You said you tested it... - Over and over and over.

- We did! In every situation imaginable! I just...

We didn't count on a solar eclipse... who... who would?

Oh, god, I'm such a fool, I... I just thought

they would suck it all out of us,

I didn't think they would leave anything behind!

Oh. Ow!

No. No, no, no, no.

Sloan:

Oh!

Damn it.

Glasses. Glasses.

Henry:

Ah!

- I, uh... I changed my mind!

I don't think I wanna do this today.

No, no!

No, no, no, no, no!

Henry:

Henry: No!

Henry:

Suck... that!

Henry:

Jolene: Hey there, neighbor,

this is Jolene Payne coming to you live

on this foggy Columbus day weekend.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, boys and girls,

but parks and rec just faxed over a water travel ban

announcement effective immediately.

But we won't let a little fog ruin our holiday weekend,

will we?

So stick around,

and celebrate with me, Jolene Payne,

on wn2y, the champ, lake champlain radio.

- How are those dishes coming along, there, Joseph?

- Good, momma.

- Male TV reporter: In soccer, the cosmos look

to be well underway to a league championship...

- Did you know on April 8, 1977,

there were 6 sightings of champ in the lake?

- Rose, please.

- The temperature of the water was 20 degrees colder

than normal that day.

Same as today.

- I thought we had an understanding.

We agreed never to bring this up again.

Champy doesn't exist, it's not real.

- But mom, didn't dad use tojoke

that the foghorn was champy yawning before taking a nap?

- Hurry up. - You know how Chet gets

when he's in one of his moods.

TV news reporter:

- What are you doing? - Rose: Thomas is coming.

I can't let him see me like this.

Okay.

- 0h, hi, Ms. Phillips.

Is... is Rose home?

- Thomas, this might not be a great time.

You better go now, honey.

I'll tell Rose you were here.

Chet: Well, well, well.

What do we have here?

Something I can help you with, stud?

- No, I was just... I was just seeing if Rose was...

- It's a nice knife. That Rambo?

With the fish hooks and wire saw?

Matches and shit in the handle?

- Uh, none... none of the matches, I used them already.

- You know, it's one thing to have a knife.

But it's a whole another thing to know how to use it.

Yeah, I learned this in 'nam.

Cut those arteries, it's over fast.

But here.

That's how you make a man suffer.

Just twist it right in there.

Oh, yeah.

You'd bleed out real slow.

I saw it myself.

I killed a vc once.

That's right.

There's only one rooster at this hen house.

Get your ass gone.

And Rambo.

Stay away from Rose.

- Meatloaf's on the table. - Beer.

It's cold.

Is there anything more disgusting than cold meatloaf?

Why don't you just pour me a can of alpo?

- I'm sorry, I thought you'd be in earlier.

- Yeah, well, I was out there all day trying to find work

to support this family.

- You were out at o'reily's drinking.

- Rose!

- Rose: That's what you were doing.

Give it back!

- Oh, Rose.

We know how much this upsets your mother.

You know this is the nonsense that killed your dad, right?

Right where it belongs. Sit down.

- You didn't have to do that.

- You know what?

Fuck this.

I was just trying to help.

I'm not gonna eat this shit.

Gonna go work on my fucking truck.

Rose:

Why do you put up with him, mom?

- After your father died, he made sure we were okay.

- No, mom, he just took advantage of you.

Can't you see that?

He only started coming around when daddy's insurance paid out.

I'm surprised he's still here now that the money's gone.

- Joseph, please go outside and play.

Your dad...

Your dad came home one day spouting off about that thing

in the lake.

He spent his life chasing it,

everyone in town thought he was crazy!

He spent all his time and our money, for what?

He forgot about us, Rose.

He forgot about you.

And where did it get him?

At the bottom of the lake.

-You know, dad didn't care if the whole town

believed him or not.

He went out there every night because he just wanted you

to believe.

- Rose!

- Rose.

Rose, is everything okay?

Thomas: Rose! Rose, wait up!

Rose: Just leave me alone!

Thomas: Rose!

Rose!

Thomas: Rose.

Rose, you're bleeding.

Where the hell did that come from?

- Whoa. That's... that's weird.

I... I don't know.

Joey: Rose!

What is that?

Rose: Weird.

- Rose! - What?

What's the matter?

Oh, my god.

- Rose, what?

What is that?

It...

It looks like some sort of... messed up whale.

- That's no whale. He was right.

Thomas: Who... who was right?

- Rose: My dad, he was right all along.

Look.

It's her. You see?

It's really champ.

- No, no, Rose.

Champy was just...

Made up to sell t-shirts.

- It's smaller than my dad thought.

But it's definitely champ.

Joey: Is it sleeping?

- No.

I think she's dead, Joey.

I think she's some sort of dinosaur.

- A real dinosaur?

- I think this is what killed the poor thing.

Come here, it's okay.

Look. This is champy.

This is what dad was looking for all of those years.

- Holy shit.

Rose, you know what this means, right?

Ah... you're gonna be famous.

- No. My dad found her first. - I want everyone to know that.

We just came along.

I want him to get the credit for this.

- Go and get mom, okay?

Follow the edge of the water until you get to the path

and hurry.

People have been looking for champy for decades

and never found a single thing.

I need to document this, dad would have. Smile.

- Joey: Momma, momma! - We found champy!

Come quickly!

- Rambo.

- One morning, my dad goes fishing.

Ignores all the fog warnings. Doesn't come home.

Mom calls the cops.

They can't turn up anything.

Next morning, when the mist finally breaks...

Ifind him.

Washed up on the beach, unconscious.

When he finally comes to, he... looks at us like...

Like we're strangers, doesn't say anything for days.

Then one night, at dinner, he says his first word.

- What was that?

- "Champ."

He says champy's real.

He tells mom, they argue.

She begs him not to say a thing, that people will begin to think

he's crazy.

He loses everything.

He goes out night after night looking, and searching.

Until one morning, he's washed up on the beach again.

Only this time...

- I'm sorry.

Stay here.

I've got a really dumb idea.

- Can I look now?

- Not yet.

- Better hurry.

Thomas. What?

- It's for your father.

Now nobody can take credit for this.

Rose: It's great.

It's great.

- Take a picture, we'll... get your dad's name

into "national geographic" or something.

Say "cheese," champ.

- Chet.

- The fuck?

- Rose: What are you doing down here?

- Oh, holy shit. - Thomas: Stay away from it.

- Would you look at this. - Rose: Get away.

- Oh.

Guess your daddy wasn't out of his mind after all.

Bless his heart.

Oh. All those years, all that money spent,

looking for this disgusting thing.

It's too bad he didn't pack a snorkel.

But I bet he's looking down right now from heaven,

glad as all hell that old Chet's gotta finish the job.

- What are you talking about? - We found it, not you.

My dad's gonna get the credit for this.

- Girl, your daddy's dead.

So I don't see how that's actually gonna happen.

As far as I'm concerned, this is my ticket.

I've put up with enough shit

from your dumb-ass mom and you idiot kids,

this thing... Is gonna make me rich.

People will pay through the teeth to see it.

To see what I discovered.

Oh, ain't that sweet?

Rose: Give it back!

- Chet: But it's gotta go. - Rose: No.

- No, stop.

- Alright, Rambo. Huh?

Huh? You watch your step, boy.

- No, stop!

Rose found that, not you.

- You better shut your pie-hole before I skin you, too.

Come on, I'll cut your head square off that neck.

- Rose: Chet, stop. - Leave him alone.

- Oh, you wanna fight? - Is that it?

Why don't we make it interesting?

Rose:

Thomas.

- Come on.

Pick it up, Rambo.

- Don't do it, Thomas. - Don't play his game.

Thomas, please don't.

Rose: Watch out!

Thomas:

- Now I'm gonna lay on some hurt.

- Rose: No! - Chet:

- There's this dinosaur! - What?

- Daddy was right! - What are you talking about?

- I saw it, momma!

- Where are Thomas and Rose? - Over there.

- Chet. - Chet:

- Rose.

Come on, come on!

You bit me.

You fucking bit me, you little bitch!

You two little shits are in for it now.

- Run, Rose, go! - I'm not leaving you.

- Chet: Oh, yeah, I'm gonna carve you up

so small, fish are gonna have a feast.

Champy:

- Rose, come on. - Wait.

- No. No, wait.

Thomas: Rose, don't.

- But no one will ever believe us now.

Mom: Rose! Thomas!

What happened? Joey wasn't making any sense,

then I heard Chet scream.

- Champ was here. Dad was right.

It was her, and we all saw her.

- Champ, the lake monster? - Yeah. Dad was right.

She does exist.

- She was right here, momma. - Ms. Phillips, she was here.

- Chet was coming after me and Thomas with the knife,

and... and she saved us.

- There's nothing here, Rose. - She was here, momma.

- We saw her. - Rose: Dad was right.

- Thomas: Ms. Phillips, she... she was here.

- Joey: Where did champ go, Rose?

Rose: Don't you believe us?

Champy:

Rose: Mom?

- Maybe your dad wasn't as crazy as everyone thought he was, huh?

- Come on.

Let's go home.

Champy:

-J "j"