Original subtitles

Producers

Czech State Fund for the Support and Development of Czech Film

Pupendo General Partner

Starring

A film by Jan H�ebejk and Petr Jarchovsk�

Is it okay.

Your mother's here.

My mom?

Your mom, eh? Say hello... Did you bring the wine?

No...

Let's go.

Written by Loosely based on the work of

Executive producer

Art Director

Costume Designer

Sound

Edited by

Production Manager

Director of Photography

Music

Coproduced by

Produced by

Directed by

"In the eighties"

Morning time... A wet rag to make you feel fine...

God, I'm blind!

A sandwich for the little one... Yes, I'll cut it.

No way! Go change. Everyone will know we're broke.

- Bed�ich, take that inside. - Where do you think it's going?

What an example you are. Know what that's called?

The morning swig stage. You're ripe for treatment!

See that? Your mom wanted to stab me!

You tell me to lighten up but you're flashing that...

- Sorry. ... that knife at my liver

- and then "Sorry. " -I said sorry - Sorry what? Sorry how?

Sorry, gentlemen of the jury, that I left a knife in his gut.

For Christ's sake! Eat...

Him too. First they crucify him, right. Rail spikes everywhere...

Then he rises from the dead...

So they reevaluate things and... It's, "Sorry. "

If they'd drowned him you'd have an aquarium around your neck.

If you really want to get rid of me, just leave a knife

on the nightstand and I'll slit my throat in my sleep.

Please, cut the crap; cut the loafing and the smoking...

Get off your ass and get a job!

I'm not asking anyone for anything.

I don't need anyone's help.

Nothing could help you anyway... Except a miracle, eh?

Oh, Alena... You're my miracle.

Drink... Don't look at daddy.

These're the last pigs we're taking, Mr. M�ra.

- What do you mean last? - Pigs just ain't in anymore.

We'll let you know when there's something else.

- Sounds great, Mr. Sv�rovsk�. - The boys call me Buck...

- What about your ceramics class? - I like helping you.

Hey, what if I asked my mom for something better for Bed�ich?

I don't want to offend you,

I just think he's too good to be putting his name on this.

He's got his pride. They shafted him and now he wants no favors.

I'm afraid he's begun liking his resignation.

I think you're mistaken.

You think a person loses touch after twenty years of marriage?

They're building shipyards; bulldozers were everywhere...

All my tiles... They just popped off the walls.

- Have a look here... - Imported, aren't they?

Well, they had to get them someplace, right?

Yeah, they're fancy imported tiles. How many do you think?

- 20 square yards of damage. - Fifty... - Come on!

Okay, 20 square yards and complete reconstruction.

- What are you doing? - Completely ruined...

What'll it come to?

- Two to three years hard labor. - For us!

Hello.

Hi, kiddo...

- This is daddy. Can you hear me? - Daddy! - That's right, Bobe�.

- Is mommy there? - Mommy! - Get mommy... Do you hear?

Damn!

- Bobe�? This is daddy. - Daddy...

Please, don't hang up. Daddy has to pay for this.

Daddy's calling mommy... A pack of cigs, too.

Put the receiver next to the phone...

- and go get mommy, okay? - Yeah.

Go and get mommy.

Thank you...

That's not a toy.

Bobe�, go get mommy now or you get a spanky!

Okay...

Shit!

Hang the phone up again and I'll tan your hide!

What? What did you say to our little boy?

I've been trying to call and he's playing with the phone.

- Where have you been? - Where do you think?

I'm stuck at home painting pig faces. Where're you?

Me? I'm calling to say I'm coming home.

- So why are you calling? - What?

Why call if you're coming home?

Well, because... I'm coming soon...

Dammit, he hung up on me ten times...

You mean you called ten times to say you're coming?

Bed�ich, you think only about yourself

and you spit on the rest of your fellow mortals!

- Who do I spit on? - Your fellow mortals!

Every year you promise Mat�j we'll go to the sea, and what?

Hello?

She said fellow mortals! Who's winning, gentlemen?

- What'd he say? - That we're going to the sea.

I've brought a fellow mortal home for dinner.

After you...

This is Alena...

Children are sleeping.

- Really? - Enchant...

Come on in, friend, make yourself at home.

An aperitif before dinner?

- Thank you. - Alena!

Tell us, friend, when you were last at the seaside.

Me? At the seaside?

Wouldn't you like to wash up before dinner?

- Oh, no... - I asked our guest.

- Of course. - The bathroom...

Hot... Cold... Soap... Towel...

Thank you.

I'm terribly proud of you.

Who else would bring a suspicious character home?

- Who is he? - I don't really know.

A fellow mortal... We're all equal before God.

You should know... Your Catholic's a mom...

- That was a wedding present. - From a friend... Cheers!

- Here it comes... - It's still warm...

It's Bed�ich's favorite. Enjoy it.

- Thank you. - My pleasure.

Bon appetit.

Thank you.

Hell, aren't we gonna eat?

I already ate and you gave yours to the needy.

I never would have thought it possible.

See how little you know me, darling?

You bring a bum home to your wife and kids,

don't ask if he's got typhoid or robs homes,

or how many little girls he's molested in the park.

You're a good soul and I love you for it.

Is there any left in the pan?

Maybe I could scrape out the stuck bits.

We shouldn't keep our brother waiting...

- Well, did you like it? - Delicious!

- How do you make your living? - I'm a collector.

- People throw everything away. - Not mom here...

She doesn't throw away a thing.

You're right.

Sure, they're a bit big, but if he rolls up the sleeves...

Roll up the sleeves and they'll fit.

- What're you doing? - This one... Leave that there.

Like it?

He can't dig in trashcans wearing Harvard!

- Then he can sell it? - He can't. - Sure he can. - No, he can't.

- Just leave it there... - Got a wife?

A special friend? Or an ordinary one even... Take her a gift...

What are you doing?!

I'm alone. My wife left and took everything.

- Yeah, that can happen... - Oh, a coat! It's old,

- but it hangs well and... - Goddammit, what the hell?

What's gotten into you? Some charity bug, or what?

He already ate; now give him an old shirt so he'll beat it.

Oh, no, I've got to finish this for both of us.

You can't just play with people like this.

You know, getting rid of things makes me feel somehow happier,

- somehow better... - But I don't have a shirt left!

Swim trunks!

- Trunks with nice pockets. - What do you mean trunks?

For swimming, what do you think? We're not going anywhere anyway.

Shorts you can change into... I can see you like clothes...

- Mom... - Take it before I drop it.

My mom...

Sorry, you remind me of my mom...

She had eyes like yours, my mom...

- Your wife is pure gold. - That she is.

Here's something extra from me.

You don't like it. They sell like hotcakes.

Such an artist makes his living selling kitsch.

Sorry, but I had to say it.

- Who are you anyway? - I'm Alois F�bera...

The art historian... Working freelance at present.

Pardon my frankness, Mr. M�ra...

Pardon me, professor, I didn't recognize you.

Delighted... Well, goodbye.

- Wait, you have to take this. - I couldn't possibly.

She'd think I didn't let you have it.

These days people buy such pigs and pitch this.

Take it for your wife.

Thank you, professor.

Thank you as well. Good night.

Good night, professor.

Magda! Magda!

Bed�ich's here...

He won't... You know he won't.

Aha, they're still up.

Recess is over, kids.

- Just a minute. - Don't flush, okay?

Is electricity free? Who was in our room?

- How was it? - Exhausting.

A confederacy of dunces.

- Who was there? - Everyone! - Everyone...

Almost... M�ra looked terrible.

- Bed�ich was there? - Of course not.

Think where he'd be today with his talent...

- Close the door! - Don't flush, dad!

He looked like a ghost.

He went by in that boat like Charon and didn't even come in.

He seemed ashamed.

- Seems like he's pretty bad off. - You're right.

- You eat so late you'll be sick. - Just keeping up my strength.

The garlic will make you reek.

- Have some too, then. - You know I never eat dinner.

Honza, who do you expect to turn the light off?

Dad...

- And your hands? - What about yours?

Pee kills germs. 'Night.

Come, my little stinkers. Your alarm's going to ring soon.

My alarm clock is swell; It's my very best pal...

The early bird catches the worm!

Come out little pig, or I'll huff and I'll puff...

Is dad still trying for the Dorkiest Parent Award?

The birds have been up long singing their happy song.

And you're still abed? Get up, sleepyhead!

- Magda, where'd you put my keys? - There just where you left them.

- They're not anywhere. - Your pockets...

So, youngsters, here's our Wishes and Complaints Box.

Let's have a look what's come up this week...

Quiet everyone!

Pavla writes love letters late at night

and I don't sleep enough to be in peak condition at school.

Honza, when you're in the army,

think what a letter from a friend will mean to you.

And, Pavla, don't leave the light on too late.

And the last one...

Instruct your son in the rules and risks of masturbation...

This is going to be good.

Let's not make a big deal about it. Everyone has masturbated.

And those who say they don't still do.

- What about you, dad? - Gladly, but I've got your mom.

I think the time has come...

Start with the preface; read it slowly, point by point.

What happened?

Damn, I lost an earring.

- That's great. - Don't move... - Where is it? - Somewhere...

- It's in your hand. - That's the other one.

- Where is it? - My God, it's here someplace.

Why not put them on at home? What do you do in the bathroom?

- Just help me! - What am I supposed to do?

Drop on all fours and crawl around?

- Can you just help me? - I can pretend to look for it,

but what I don't get is how...

My God! How? Like this!

Here it is!

Where's the other one?

Well, well, well!

My directive was clear enough: Don't leave slippers over night!

Lose your footwear and you stay after school.

- Those are mine, dad. - You should set an example.

And I'll be expecting an explanation at home!

I'm not deluded about your interest in learning,

but today you'll learn something anyway.

Gravitational acceleration equation: S = g/2t2,

where g is gravitational acceleration, t is time,

and s, or even h, is trajectory or height.

To the window!

A body of mass m will be dropped from height h,

and will fall in time t... Honza, cut the nonsense!

Kindly pay attention... Here we go!

- How long, man? - I dunno, man, go down and look.

Garage!

The garage is sleeping...

Who's got today's current event?

M�ra! Mat�j!

Engineers in the Soviet Union have invented a concrete ship.

That's interesting, Mat�j.

Hold on. A concrete ship?

I never heard anything stupider in my life.

Since when does concrete float, man?

Just settle down! What's your source, Mat�j?

The Truth. Well, then it must be true.

And Sandy, Utah is capital of the Sahara, man.

If you said brick instead of man the principal would have a home.

That's 'comrade' principal!

Hey, dad, is it normal for us to be at the same school?

I have to be fair, so it isn't easy having my son in class.

And do you think it's easy for me?

What should I do? Fail you?

You want to be in that old Communist Svobodov�'s class?

You're a Communist too.

But different. You should know that.

Then why are you whispering?

The fish don't bite but the ducks sure do...

Hey, the fish are biting!

- We caught one. - Yes, we did...

That's right, friend, we caught a fish.

What are you going to do with it?

You set it free...

- Where? - M�ra?

Past the pub, then on the left.

May I come in?

Hello there! I didn't recognize you.

You look great.

Because I found a way back to women.

- Congratulations. - Her name's Vlasti�ka.

She saved me.

I haven't forgotten that you helped me.

Nice... I made some inquiries

and I've got a suggestion for you, my dear master craftsman.

Emigration?

Hey, who's the best head man in this country? M�ra.

Who has a family he can't feed through lone creativity? M�ra.

Who has a teenage son? M�ra.

Who's got a wife and little one dying for a tropical vacation?

M�ra.

You kill the fatted calf once and you can work freely

for a year or two without worrying about a salary.

Who's it got to be?

Gottwald? Djerzhinski? Some bigger swine even?

Lenin? Say Lenin and I'll crack this head over your gourd.

You think I'm some monster who's trying to compromise you?

We'd start at the local school.

Indifferent spring motifs. A mosaic...

Spring motifs?

Of course, spring motifs...

Budding... Nature... Nothing political...

Sports... Burgeoning...

Burgeoning breasts... An allegory of spring...

- I got it, daddy. - Super! Bobe� found it!

You forgot the opener; I mean corkscrew.

He'll grab the bottle opener...

Now you're talking about a bust but before you said a mosaic...

A mosaic of spring motifs would help the school principal.

His wife works for the Fine Arts Union...

- You know Magda B�e�kov�? - Sure I do. - You taught her...

Yeah, so?

- Marshal Rybalko. - Yeah, it's finally here...

Thanks, son... Here's a sausage to roast.

- Don't count on it, professor. - What's the problem?

A soldier... A hero... A liberator from 1945.

Where have you been? We're occupied; Ruskies everywhere.

I'm supposed to shine Rybalko's noggin after starving for years?

How would it look?

- You're the best at heads... - It's burning. - What's burning?

- The sausage. - Okay, lets roast it together.

What did you say?

You're rotting, Bed�ich.

You can't let that happen. You've got to work.

It's the only way to start, the only way to the West.

- Me in the West? - Maybe not you, but your work.

You've got to be kidding...

Bed�ich, the Communists like one thing even more than Lenin...

- Their mommy? - That, too, little one...

And even more than mommy they like hard currency.

We must cultivate a sense of wonder.

Look at this here.

I'm in awe of the simple ingeniousness of a spoon.

How long did it take humans to aspire to such perfection?

That's nonsense. What's ingenious about a spoon?

You can't eat soup with a stick.

When you turn it...

It's reminiscent of the bulb of a spring crocus.

- Or the seed of a shovel... - What?

The seed of a shovel.

Do the spring mosaic, Bed�ich... and you won't fear shovels.

I'm not afraid of shovels.

I'm afraid of hammers and sickles.

Mr. M�ra...

Master...

Bed�ich, let's cut the formality crap!

We've got some cognac... Come on, we're here.

- I'm not staying. - Don't do it for me.

Do it for Vlasti�ka; she's looking forward to meeting you.

I'm waiting.

Now you've got to say the word like I said.

Otherwise Vlasti�ka won't open up. Say it!

- It's silly. - It's just a game. - I'm still waiting!

- Say rhodo... rhododendron. - Rhododendron!

You have to say it three times.

You trying to shit me?

This is Master M�ra...

Think I don't know your drunken voice.

Break out that cognac...

What do you think you had for breakfast?

That's not a toy.

Bedtime.

Bedtime, Bobe�? Yes, it is...

This is how we go to bed...

And here's how we tuck you in...

Where did your head go?

Here's your head...

When will we...

Go to the sea?

Next year...

In three years? Well, I should know.

Look...

A seahorse...

This is... a male, right...

And a female... Beautiful...

So here's the male... and the female...

And there'll be little horses.

Mother...

Aren't you sleeping? Come over here...

Did you see the seahorses? Show him...

- Let them sleep, please. - Know how to say seahorse?

You have to draw it out, right? What's sea?

Okay, time for bed.

Goodnight, gentlemen. I'm off to the front...

Few people know that a seahorse is a fish.

A very strange fish.

In the entire animal kingdom it is the only species

where the male has the babies.

The female lays the eggs inside him,

and with that her parental duties end.

All the trouble of giving birth and caring for the spawn

are accepted by the male.

But a male Mexican swordtail, the species Xyphophorus,

rules a school of females with the sword of his tailfin,

just like a sultan reigning over his harem.

If he dies his place is taken by a dominant female,

who grows a sword and becomes a male.

Maybe you don't know it, Bobe�, but a cow barks meow.

- A cow barks moo. - That's right!

Error, Bobe�, you're living in error.

Everyone knows a sparrow whinnies meow.

Daddy's being silly, huh? Who whinnies?

Who does that, Bobe�?

A pig.

- A pig? Or a goat? - A pig...

I hope he keeps me on his back till we find his elephant shack.

Oh, please, you're always so nervous.

The parquet floor went through, the tiles went through...

So what are you afraid of? Why so nervous?

It's not honest and you know it.

You're playing with fire.

You're counting on a quick signature, then off to the pub.

We're not so poor that we have to cheat like this.

- I made a hole. - You made a hole, eh?

- Where's the tusk gone? - Here.

Don't take it or daddy will cry.

- What's for lunch? - Bread.

- Bread? Alena, it's Saturday... - So spread something on it.

Bread!

- Should I baste the goose? - Yeah, both of them.

Prepare the truffles, I'll open the Bordeaux.

Vintage 1972... Isn't it wasted on the kids?

No...

I'd rather eat dry bread than have you messed up in this.

- You just leave it to Bond. - Bond who?

James Bond, of course.

Suddenly, this gale force wind rips off the roof tiles,

my studio gets soaked...

Six months' work and materials down the drain.

Listen up...

A cute young tapeworm sticks her head out an asshole,

she looks around, crawls back in, and asks her mom:

Mommy, what's blue and ripples so beautifully?

And her mother answers, That's the sea, my child.

Right?

- And the little girl asks... - Girl tapeworm...

Okay, the girl tapeworm asks:

What's round and yellow and so warm?

And mom responds, That's the sun, darling.

So why do we live in here then?

Because this is our home...

up someone's ass.

Yeah, I know that one well...

If you think about it, I'm my father's fastest sperm;

I wonder the one's who finished after me.

- Millions of brothers. - We're all winning sperm.

We had good tail action.

Many people never beat that performance their whole lives.

Even Mat�j led the pack.

Know how to swim?

No, I don't.

- So what'll you do at the beach? - A winning sperm who can't swim.

Don't worry... We'll teach him.

It's best just to throw him in, like my brother did to me.

- Watch it, he can read lips. - Don't worry, we got it wired.

We'll secure the rubber band, give him the other end,

- he jumps, and off he goes. - Man, he's gonna die...

If he doesn't drown he'll slam into the other end.

- Don't worry, I got it wired. - It's on your conscience...

Not at all. Luck has smiled on him.

Pull!

What's going on here? Have you lost your minds?

This is breaking and entering! How did you get in here?

You'll be expelled, all three of you... Let go!

Come on!

Man, you killed my dad...

- He should've let go halfway. - He needs mouth-to-mouth.

Can't we just splash water on him?

You dork, he's drowning!

Well, boys, since you tried to save your principal

you only get a reprimand.

And for wearing the bathing cap yours is reduced to a warning.

Quit speaking for me...

I've got so much work I'm drowning in it.

- Why are you saying this? - Because I'm busy.

There's no better choice than Bed�ich.

I know how good he is.

I was under his care; I studied under him.

I'll talk to my husband.

- Oh, please... - You can't fool me.

I can imagine how you're doing. Say the word and it's yours.

- I'll push it through the Union. - The school can't wait forever.

Children are studying at a job site. Get it together!

Speak for yourself.

Go to the Union or the Academy.

- They're full of experts... - Yeah, but out of our league.

So that's how it is... The comrades have gone up in price.

- Just take it and quit yapping. - My words exactly, Magda.

Who's the best head man in this republic?

- Not only heads... - Low relief, too, right?

I was only ever the best at one thing: Pupendo.

I was always great at pupendo.

Pupendo? What's pupendo?

You don't know about pupendo? She doesn't know about pupendo.

Do you know what pupendo is, professor?

Pupendo is an old initiation ritual.

African Bushmen have to be able to track and bring down a lion.

And Prague's Young Pioneers must stand the test of pupendo.

I'm the pupendo champ of the republic.

Come on. You're such a kidder.

You don't believe me?

Show me. I want to know what it is!

Magda, I'm warning you...

Do you really want...

to experience the magic of pupendo 'in the flesh'?

I want to be initiated and finally come of age.

- Go get me five crowns. - Back in a flash.

Don't screw this up; we've got a whopper of a job lined up.

I'm not imposing myself on anybody... Mr. Solidarity.

Remove your belt.

Pupendo Grande...

- Tummy, tummy, tummy... - Oh, Lord...

Your eyes...

Close them?

For the last time, woman, I ask you...

Do you want to experience pupendo?

Yes... I want pupendo...

Pupendo Grande!

You infantile idiot! You juvenile delinquent!

- So will you do it? - You've got to now.

Thank you, Magda.

Shake on it?

Don't bother. It's dry.

Thank you.

- Alena, why are you here? - To have a drink with you.

You came to check up on me...

I'm here to see you stoop to those insurance crooks' level.

Don't be condescending. They're normal, educated people.

Don't humiliate yourself. I'll stop taking you seriously.

They're here...

Next you'll be a moneychanger.

Just cut the crap!

Bed�ich M�ra?

Academic sculptor Comrade Bed�ich M�ra?

Insurance representative Zdena Gabalov�. May I come in?

Alena...

Please, come in.

Hey, Alena...

- Would you like some coffee? - I don't drink coffee.

A drop of wine?

I never drink, let alone in the morning.

Let's just get to it. Firstly, Mr. Moty�ka and Mr. Krauze,

whom you negotiated with, don't work for us any longer.

- That's too bad. - Indeed.

Their work revealed gross intolerable inefficiencies.

Next, these are meteorological reports

for the date you stated on the form.

Here and, indeed, practically all over Europe,

May 15th was sunny, without any precipitation.

Can you explain why,

in a period of below average rainfall,

your studio was the only thing far and wide damaged by,

and I quote, "A great downpour"? What am I to conclude?

A local storm?

I spoke with your neighbors.

Not one can remember any rain for the past three weeks.

Their vegetables are drying up.

A local cloud?

Insurance isn't a joke.

Nor is this the first suspicious claim.

- Just a moment. - No, not a moment. - No moment?

Look here, ma'am - or is it miss?

Are you trying to suggest that my husband is lying?

I'm not suggesting anything; it's here in black and white.

On that day it rained in Oslo, Riga, and Minsk,

nowhere in Central and Western Europe.

Don't leave...

So our working for a whole day,

our whole family cleaning up the soggy results

of an entire year's work, work our existence depends on,

that was all just a dream?

That's what you're trying to say?

The facts speak clearly.

So do I! You come here waving papers in our faces,

trying to bamboozle us into believing it didn't rain.

But I'm telling you there was a downpour like I can't remember!

Some senile old man says that it didn't rain?

I'll gladly testify that the poor dear

can't remember what he had for lunch! Or if he ate at all!

You request compensation for lost materials in an amount

exceeding 10,000 crowns. What should I think?

My husband's commission is from the Fine Arts Union.

Satisfied? A larger-than-life monumental sculpture.

It may not seem like it but it takes a lot of material.

We tried to cover everything to keep it safe...

But it's completely ruined. It's simply...

mud.

We will compensate you for the destroyed materials.

But don't tell me a Persian rug got wet, too.

- A trowel rusted. - You can't be serious!

You're not going to claim damages on a rusty trowel!

It was a new imported trowel! He had it less than a week.

There is no way we are going to compensate you for that trowel!

- We'll get over it. - You're not going to pay? - No!

Then tell her, Bed�ich, whose sculpture dissolved.

Don't be modest, tell her who you worked on for six months,

- and who melted into mush? - You mean... - That's right!

The comrades will be thrilled to see him like this.

Okay, one trowel. Anything else?

- How much does that come to? - 10,235 crowns.

- Including the trowel? - Plus the trowel. - Thank you.

Congratulations.

Goodbye.

Alena, you were magnificent. I really believed it rained.

I'm going to kill you.

Oh, my girl...

Thanks.

- That was the last time. - Of course it was...

Why do Rumanians, Bulgarians, and Poles get a sea but not us?

Hungarians too.

You mean Balaton?

I didn't say Hungarians, I said East Germans.

Bullshit.

Who cares? The Hungarians have the Balaton Sea.

Since when is Balaton a sea?

Since the Caspian Sea's been a lake.

Where are you going?

Really? Maybe we can meet up.

VOTE THE NATIONAL FRONT

- You're friends; run over there. - Oh, no... - Don't argue.

Honor! Hi there, Mat�j... Elections...

I can't...

Elections!

Parents...

- Mom and dad are sick. - What?

They can't come?

- High temperature! - Not so loud.

Is it serious? They can't come?

Mom and dad have a high temperature.

It's contagious. They can't come in.

They have a contagious disease.

Contagious?

That's enough saluting...

Well, okay, goodbye.

They're gone. Will you go vote?

- When there's elections. - When there are you can go.

Now there's none so we'll stay home.

Let's just play.

They're back. Can't they leave us alone?

There's no law says we've got to vote.

I'll get rid of them.

- A bad time? - No, come on in. - Your husband home?

Evening. It's your lucky day. The boss has work for you.

- We don't do pigs anymore. - Pigs are out.

This time it's something really great.

We thought you had a ballot box.

Great, huh? They're hot. The money goes here.

- Could you manage 100 a week? - Sure. - Let's shake on it.

- Are you nuts? - We'll manage. - It's just a job.

No big art, eh? Not M�nes or Jir�sek, eh?

- It's cute, huh? - Watch out, I spilled it.

Can I bum a cig off you?

You're good, but we all can't hang out like unwanted artists.

I'm different; I have to work.

Comrades like you stop me from working.

We're not all alike.

Some join the Party to soften it from the inside. We sacrifice.

- You're talking self-sacrifice? - Sure.

- You do it for the money. - You envy my money?

No, not your Communist Party ID either.

You talk biblically but you're just licking Bolshevik ass.

If we were all heroes like you your son wouldn't have a chance.

Why're you harping on my kid?

IQ or not, he'd be in a special school.

Man, you think I'm so into it? I just keep my mouth shut.

- But you always speak your mind. - Of course.

- I'm happy to say what I think. - Here, sure; I could too.

Keep it down, man, or you get detention.

- So say something. - What?

- Speak your mind, man. - Gladly. Know what I think?

Communism is the opiate of the masses...

You Communists are all scum, swine and thieves.

Traitors who let the Soviets ruin our country.

Now it's my turn: Listen up!

Communism is crap and the Bolsheviks are swine.

What?

I'm happy to repeat myself if you wish.

Communism is crap and the Bolsheviks are swine.

- I don't really understand you. - I'll jot it down for you.

I'll scribble it down no problem.

Okay:

Communism...

is... crap...

The Bolsheviks...

are... swine...

- Write: Except M�la B�e�ka. - No, but I'll sign it.

- Go ahead. - What will you do with it?

Hide it behind the mosaic as a message for the future.

Good idea; I'll add something. Principal... M�la B�e�ka...

was forced, in the interest of thousands of kids...

to feign loyalty...

although inside...

he was always against it.

Now I'll sign it.

M�la... B�e�ka...

- Now it's your turn. - Why me?

- You said you would. You afraid? - Of what?

Sign it then.

Why not? What would I be afraid of?

I'll stuff it in this pen... to keep it nice.

- Put it in! - I've got to mortar it in...

What? How long have you been here?

I heard it all.

I agree and will undersign all points.

- He's one of us. - Can I have a moment, Bed�ich?

What happened? Dammit, professor, out with it.

Rybalko is ours!

- I'm finished... - No, you're just beginning.

Super civvies. Super Casio. Super Adidas.

Hair wasted...

- How's your sis? - You're single.

- You didn't write for six months - I was in an avalanche.

- What? - I got slammed by an avalanche.

I couldn't write with frozen fingers.

And you survived?

I bounced. All you have to do is bounce.

When you bounce your knees flex.

That way the mid-sized avalanche isn't a real threat.

You can deal, but you got to dig a space around you.

Then you spit to know where you got to dig.

Hi. Something happen?

L��a's coming here.

Come on in.

If you'll help me we can play a trick on him.

Will you help me?

- Hello, Mr. M�ra. - Hey, you're back.

We slept well with you on the watch.

And we never slept much.

- Pavla's not here? - No.

What's it gonna be?

Man, don't even ask.

Oh, right... I get it, Mr. M�ra.

But be careful... I respect this here...

You can trust me, but don't trust nobody...

Like this guy at the barracks, he wore a crucifix

and an officer said, Lose it or it's two weeks in the cooler.

Next day the officer comes and he's still got the crucifix.

I respect that...

But how many of us are there? Like you...

How many... of the proud?

- Where'd she go? - I couldn't tell you.

You ever capsized?

We had this military review once on the water.

And we hooked up with some synchronized swimmers.

They didn't even breathe...

Hi. What are you doing here?

- I came to see you. - How've you been?

I didn't have you there so it was tough, I guess.

Sometimes.

- Yeah... Why didn't you write? - Pavla, we were on alert!

You probably, like, don't know what's going on...

- Like with the SS 20 rockets... - What?

This info ain't, like, public. I couldn't write my family... even.

- You're kidding, right? - No way... But it's over now.

Can I come in?

I've got a friend here from Finland.

- So can I? - Sure, if you don't mind.

I don't.

For me? Thanks.

- She speak Czech? - Not a word.

- Just Finnish and English. - Not a word?

- Afraid not. - I guess we won't chat much.

She's used to it. She's the quiet type anyway.

Golden Czech hands.

And hockey...

And you've got Jeminen, Peltonen, suck-me-then...

That was a joke.

ABBA's from Scandinavia, right?

Watch this...

Speakers here... Wires here... Player here... Now watch out!

Dirty, dirty, dirty... Dirty beautiful girl

Looking at me like a fool...

It's banned.

Cool, huh?

How do you wash it?

Hey, Pavla, if something's happened to us just spill it.

- So I'm, like, going, huh? - I think that's best.

So no beach trip, huh?

Just go... by yourselves.

Bye, ice princess.

Hey there...

Oh, man.

- Say hi to the beach. - What's up with that?

On the one hand it's great work, this marshal, this big doll.

On the other, I tell myself I shouldn't have accepted it.

- Oh, come on. - I shouldn't have.

I know you'll execute a perfect, professional work.

It will stand at the start of a trip around the world.

I myself write.

I've written an extensive trilogy.

But no one here's interested. They just give me the boot.

So what else could I do? I sent it out.

Abroad... Into exile.

What's it about?

Okay... Part One:

Oh, it doesn't matter.

It does.

Be seated!

The lesson topic and goal is the same as last week.

An old joke...

Okay, B�e�ka, to the blackboard.

Dolphins are smarter than many people but you're no dolphin.

The joke will soon be on you... Well, start describing.

Start with what you know best.

This is...

Don't tell me you've never seen one before.

That's... that's that...

I'll wait till I learn something.

That, like, the...

Dick.

Very funny.

- That's the sexual organ. - Right, and it comprises...

Scrotum! Testicles! Glans!

Urethra! Corpus cavernosum!

Quiet in the class!

You can scrawl vulgar symbols but you know nothing about them.

Surprise me now by outlining the female sexual organs.

I'd be happy to, comrade,

but I don't have any chalk.

'F'.

I was on border duty with Brita, my pureblood German shepherd.

All of a sudden I notice Brita's caught the scent!

So I, like, set her loose,

and after about three miles we got to some clearing,

some really weird place, right.

So I'm kind of casually, peripherally looking around...

All of a sudden, peripherally, a watch flashes in the bushes.

You know, like, some guy, a border jumper!

The kind that ain't got nothing to lose; who'll do you ein zwei!

Brita sees him and starts barking...

And guys...

Oh, man...

I had my Scorpion but, like, the guy was quicker.

Brita got it.

- What about the guy? - Clean shots. Here and here.

If I'd had a G8, man, he'd be the headless horseman.

You know me, man; nothing really gets me.

But, guys, I cried like a baby.

I just held Brita and was just, like, crying. I ain't ashamed.

Then all of a sudden there's a chopper right above me.

And who, like, runs over?

Commander of the western army sector, Colonel Sochor.

And he's, like: L��a, what the hell? Are you okay?

I said nothing since I was so wasted about Brita.

Then he saw Brita - he liked Brita and me best, right.

Then he says through his teeth: Where's the swine!?

Man, then the jumper starts whining that,

like, my dog attacked him, man.

Man, that really pissed me off. Totally calm, I lay Brita down,

and land him a 'twisty fifty' right between the eyes.

That's a punch that ends with a twist.

It's called 'fifty' because it's fifty-fifty:

Either you survive or you never get up again.

- Wasn't he already dead? - You saying I'm talking shit?

No, but you said...

Shut up when I'm talking about Brita!

Man, you're dorks, man! Making an ass of me!

No more military secrets, man! You're dorks, man...

- There's a policeman. - A cop!

Good day...

Good day.

What are you drinking? Have a beer.

- No, thanks. - No thanks what?

- I can't. - Why not? - I hit a policeman.

Come on, L��a, that's a bit rich even for you.

I'm not lying... Bro?

It's true! We were doing, like, about 70 or 80.

Around a curve there was a cop and L��a's eyes, like, popped.

At that speed it's hard to tell what rank a cop is...

So we slam into him, and it ain't like nailing a pigeon...

The car was totally for shit, front window gone,

the cop was for shit; I mean really,

his head was in the ditch and, like, no way to identify him.

So we packed up and left. Ain't that right, bro?

L��a...

What's going on here? I'm principal! Who ordered...

The inspection commission did. This is the comrade deputy...

- And it's by my order... - Honor! Honor!

If it's for safety reasons... I said stop immediately!

There's wires there...

Ruin it without the artist's okay?

- My signature's on the order. - But my signature is...

For safety reasons, the wires...

Make sure they're gone when I get back...

Hi, is Bed�ich here?

Hi.

The roof was leaking and I said to fix it but no one did.

But they're in the wires, in the wall with the mosaic.

They're beating apart the spring motif you made.

They're at it now and you know what they're going to find.

- Our message to the future. - Exactly! Where'd you put it?

I don't know where I stuck it. We were all drunk...

You're drunk now too, so tell me where!

You've got to, or it's over. We all signed it. F�bera...

- F�bera didn't. He came late. - Lucky him, but we did.

The result: My days as principal are over.

Some will be glad, that cow of a vice principal delighted.

Rybalko gone; your driver's and fishing licenses are history.

Magda will be fired and have to work for some dolt.

Luckily Pavla's in school but Honza'll be a gardener at best.

Play the hero once and you make a mess of it.

Just tell me where you hide the message for the future.

- Screw the future! - Screw it, huh? You don't care?

Anything wrong?

Nothing. Go and play. Run along.

Okay, I'll change and we'll go get it.

- Going home? - No, to the studio.

I'll drive you and say hello to Rybalko.

I'll walk. Bye.

I don't know who she got her talent from...

You'll never let up... M�la's got talent to burn.

- Doesn't she get in the way? - No, she's always welcome.

I hope you don't train her in pupendo, you dog.

You think I'm a pedophile?

I wasn't much older when you plied me

with current and herb wine.

But I was a lot younger. Anyway...

What could you do? She's of age.

Scratch your eyes out.

She's not as innocent as you think.

- This one's new: "I awake... " - "I awake in fear... "

- "... the formless dump of time. " - Hey, they're just kid's poems.

- "Your wings sleep like angels. " - She's fallen in love.

Oh, my God. Who with?

She'll eventually find some schoolmate...

- with current wine. - I didn't want to.

I've got a lot more.

Relax. You know what I think of poetry.

"Rainbow marble lost in the sand... "

- Damn... It's so sweet. - I just skimmed over them.

- You didn't even read them? - Come on, I want to teach her.

- I don't care about the rest. - I'd be ashamed to say that.

- But not to read her letters? - She's my daughter.

- She kissed this one all over. - Yeah, it looks drooled on.

- How's she supposed to learn? - Okay!

So show me...

Hey, don't go grabbing at it! Watch your manners.

The coat looks a bit thrown together. It needs some work.

- And what about the drapery? - Just stop touching it.

- I'll help you with the suit... - Dammit, get your hands off it!

- Can't I give an opinion? - Watch your manners.

- Come down! - It's really good. Thanks.

- Can I ask a favor? - You want Lenin?

- Do you have hot water? - Sure, help yourself.

- What are you doing? - Our hot water's not working.

Hey, I've decided to forget about it.

I can't hear you.

- I'm not finishing the statue. - But it's already done.

Well, I just won't turn it in. He looks like Vlasov anyway.

- What this crap? Is this a joke? - Screw all of you!

No! I'm not giving it to you, to you or your Union!

I need no one making a fool of me. I feel like a bastard.

What do you mean screw us? You really are a bastard.

I make the calls to get you the commission.

- I prostitute my name... - Tell me about it...

Know how many butts I had to lick?

How many monsters and drunken losers like you?

Just nostalgia... I'm such an ass... All for memories.

Know what? Get this straight: Uncle here isn't yours.

It belongs to me and the Union that ordered it.

Oh, no, that's my statue.

Dammit, this isn't a nudist beach; get something on.

That's just fine, kiddo. No reason to talk about it.

We'll toast the old guy and I'll just come get him,

because Comrade Marshal Rybalko Square is one big blank.

- What's wrong? - What?

That's my question. Who've you got in there?

- Are you crazy? - I can see it in your face.

You think it's the secret police? Come on out, comrades!

The comrade here's determined to burn you at the stake.

Stay there; you're surrounded!

Okay, okay, I'll give you the statue.

The Union will be happy... Don't be hysterical!

Did you forget something?

I envy you.

I'll find my way.

Of course I read them, Pavla.

But don't have illusions about me. I'm just a mummy

who embalms himself with drink so he won't lose it.

A coward...

A depressed coward.

Tomorrow evening, Voice of America we'll once again

look at Czechoslovakia's unofficial cultural scene.

We'll read from Prof. F�bera's essay on sculptor Bed�ich M�ra.

The in-depth essay was published in Sculpture magazine last week.

Prague sculptor Bed�ich M�ra

is an artist the regime chased into an existential trap.

M�ra's promising career, which began in the sixties

with exhibitions in Goteborg, Salzburg,

and his last in Madrid in 1970, is now fading.

This talent of a generation found himself completely outside

the official mainstream, unable to exhibit his work.

Bureaucratic power puts conformists on a pedestal,

while the best find themselves at the very bottom.

Of course we cannot generalize; There are shinning exceptions.

For example, art historian Dr. Magdalena B�e�kov�.

She and those like her try to destroy the system from within.

With skillful diplomacy they try to lobby for discarded artists

within the ossified structures of artistic unions

and various Party selection committees.

In Dr. B�e�kov� words, if former plasterers and cobblers,

with their fake academic titles,

persist in assessing artistic quality, nothing will change.

Lock the door please, Alena.

Why should she lock it?

Don't lock it.

Come, on! Relax.

Hey, I'm as cool as a cucumber. I've just got one question.

- Was he trying to get revenge? - No, no, he wanted to help out.

Then he's an idiot. How could it help?

He didn't write it for Voice of America,

but for a specialized journal. It's not his fault it was found.

But the tone, the diction, the quotations!

Can you control what others write about you?

You know that we're washed up?

- Who asked him for this? - I didn't ask him for anything.

- Why did he have to name me? - As an expression of thanks.

An eager idiot is worse than a class enemy.

Thanks a lot. Where'd you find the psycho?

He foisted himself on me.

Hold on there; you brought him home.

But who fed him? Who dressed him in my sweaters?

You awoke a pathological need in him to return the favor.

So I'm responsible for who you pal around with?

My love, if you'd stop bringing on the existential oppression

I wouldn't have to force myself on anyone.

What's the worst they could do? Pack up Rybalko in mothballs?

At least the kids won't be embarrassed when they walk by.

Hold on, he just might be our ticket out.

What do you mean mothballs? What about the kids?

Know how much work I put into that statue? Are you nuts?

We can forget vacation. I'll put salt in the bath and pretend!

I'm glad you've figured out how to 'preserve' things:

You pack the statue in mothballs and pickle yourself in alcohol,

you'll soak in brine, and they're going to put us on ice.

- Afraid of your own shadow? - Speaking of shadows,

you've made sure our kids will never see the light of day?

That's just how it works. They go after your kids.

- You and your phony altruism. - What phony altruism?

Who was the scraggy specter who floated past the gallery

- like a silent reproach? - What is this crap?

I didn't want to come in! There's a difference, man!

- Scraggy specter! I was happy. - Why were you there?

I was happy not to be inside with you!

And your presence demonstrated that?

- Hypocrite. - I can still hear you:

Did you see Bed�ich? He's so alone.

How underfed he looks. Oh, what can I do for him?

But you were content! He didn't even ask for help!

- When'd you drop your defenses? - So kill me for helping him!

Who can help us now? These two? This is how it'll be:

Comrades, can the husband of a woman lauded by the imperialists

be a principal? Be involved with children? Hardly!

Show good faith by divorcing me.

You make a scene now, for them, but the truth is you really hope

I'll lick someone's ass. But after what's happened, my dear,

my choice of butts is few and far between.

- Go change your diapers. - Quiet!

- Butts all around are clenching. - I'm glad you're having fun.

You've gotten me into this and I can't get out. I admit it.

Sorry to interrupt, but I just want to get something straight.

You were the ones who got Bed�ich into this mess.

What mess?

Spring motifs, the dickhead behind me...

- What? - You mean the general? - Yes. - We call him dickhead.

You found a commission for some fine folk.

Bed�ich could have been selling his banks in peace

and not gotten messed up with you.

Dammit, Alena, be fair. They tried to help me.

That's rich! Hear what she said! Listen, Bed�ich and F�bera,

that bearer of good tidings, came crawling to me!

You're saying you didn't ask me for anything?

Who bombarded me with calls? Who brought up the old days?

Guess who was promised the mosaic? Krutner!

- The Party pig? - Who kept saying:

M�ra's got to work? Who begged me for any commission?

- Don't piss me off! I begged?! - Yeah.

No, you're too sophisticated, you hypocrite!

You had an efficient intermediary: Prof. Trashcan.

Surprisingly efficient.

Where'd all the sudden pity come from, Magda?

Old times' sake?

Maybe I couldn't stand seeing his name on those eared asses.

Better that, than one between my shoulders.

- And if it earns a bit, why not? - Come on, guys...

We all have different standards of taste.

At least I never slept with M�la.

Goddamn, Alena, why dredge up ancient history?

That was really in bad taste. And it does nothing to help.

I'm shaking here, terrified.

I have goose bumps as big as jelly beans.

But what could possibly happen? Look at yourselves!

Look what they've done to us.

Nothing's happened yet but we're so eager to shit out pants!

This is how they want it! They can congratulate themselves!

She's right.

The lot of us makes me sick.

- Me too? - All of us. - You know what can happen?

- No, what? - We have to get the jump on them

List all the Communists and cops whose kids you teach.

Finally, a rational approach.

- In case some kids are failing? - What planet are you on?

Ever heard of any of their kind failing?

Maybe one's hovering between a C and D.

You're nuts. You really think they want to crucify us?

This isn't about you. You'll keep grunting out those banks.

Maybe you're even flattered to hear your name on the radio.

Say hello to your son, Mat�j, for me.

Tell him comrade principal did all he could

so he could go to a normal school,

but then his father, in a stupor,

cried on the shoulder of some psycho graphomaniac.

Okay, that's enough. It's pointless.

Maybe no one will even notice. Maybe it'll just go away.

If not, who can prove anything? It was all F�bera's initiative.

Who else's? I've never seen him in my life.

- What was the name? - Prof. F�bera? - Who's he?

- Where did they read our names? - I never listen to it. - Yuck!

First of all, we've got to get our stories straight...

I'd relax. No one even listens to that art gibberish.

But to the station, yes!

Come and get the stuff tomorrow. And I was never even here.

I never got anything from you, I don't want any trouble.

Oh, and return the deposit.

And stick those asses up you ass, Mr. Artist!

Excuse me...

We go to the same place in Yugoslavia every year.

Suddenly they think we want to emigrate?

Can you explain why you won't give us exit visas?

Where would you go? Your name travels for you.

Hello.

Thanks!

Ursula Konig is president of the Kafka Foundation in West Berlin.

She's interested in a statue of Franz Kafka for the foundation.

Did you see anything you liked, Frau Konig?

Unfortunately, nothing suitable.

We have a concrete idea of what we want.

Prof. F�bera, correspondent for Sculpture magazine,

sent us a parcel with pictures

of works by a sculptor named M�ra.

Bed�ich M�ra?

I don't know him,

but anyway I think he's not part of the Union, is he?

That's a great pity, director.

...Thanks for waiting.

I owe you an explanation. I'm sorry; of course we know...

Hey, Pavla, I think we should talk, you know.

Openly... about us.

Like, not really about what used to be...

But somehow openly now...

I think we should iron things out.

Hey, I know some things are still wrong...

Yeah, even on my side.

But I can let it all go.

I can...

I'm really not trying to blame you for anything.

Remember that time we took off and climbed up on that roof?

And how they almost caught us?

How we made a promise then...

Bed�ich?

Oh, Pavla, is Mr. M�ra here?

Mr. M�ra and Prof. F�bera are fishing.

That's okay, come on in.

Seifert...

Vl��il...

This is just a fraction of his work of the past 15 years.

Some is in private collections, some in galleries,

depositories...

the National Gallery...

Excuse me?

What?

This is...

Those are mine, mom.

These are hers... My daughter... Her friend...

School bric-a-brac...

You know what might suit your purpose?

Two recent works, these two here...

Yes, that's it.

Excuse me?

They're excellent.

Aren't they?

- I'll bring you the �ern�. - That'd be nice of you.

Not a bite.

Thank God. This is Mrs. Konig from West Berlin.

- This is our Alois. - F�bera. - You're Prof. F�bera?

- M�ra. - Good afternoon. - An uncommon pleasure, sir.

Mrs. Konig from Berlin.

Please to meet you...

Something to drink? Come... Come Alois...

These are great. You made them?

Can I have one as a souvenir?

It's a butt...

Vlasti�ka...

Vlasti�ka, don't drink so much.

Alois, what's with you... all of a sudden?

Pour the Bordeaux, bagpiper!

Bordeaux? Warm or cold?

Whatever...

I wouldn't forbid the job since we can tax him nicely later.

It's in our interest... But the trip abroad?

I'd never recommend it.

So, that's settled. Honor!

It's no good, friend, forget the trip.

If it was only up to me you could stay there, but...

It not just up to me... There are others...

You know the one about the guy vomiting on Wenceslas Square?

Some clerk walks by him wearing a gray suit...

a striped tie, a briefcase, and the clerk says to him:

I couldn't agree with you more!

"The Balaton Lake, Hungary, in the off-season"

Hi.

Pavla!

Honza?

Mat�j!

Alena?

Boys!

Bed�ich! Stop this nonsense!

Where's Mat�j?

Bed�ich! Boys!

- It's not salty. - Of course it's not.