Original subtitles

Previously on doom patrol...

- Where am I? The year? - Cloverton.

2021.

Niles caulder, I'm coming.

- Who in the sweet mercy of fuck are you? - Good question.

There are mysterious things

in this world that bear keeping an eye on.

I'm sure it was nothing important.

But last I checked, robots don't get Parkinson's.

Just think you need to get it checked out.

I think there's something he needs to show me.

Where'd you go?

- Mom? - Come on, Victor.

What did you mean when you said dad chose to make me into a weapon?

He said he had no choice at all.

The butts are loose!

It's just vomit!

Smile, caulder. The world ain't done with you yet, old man.

I was born in Houston

life was full and good

Got a yen to travel

no one understood

took my things and said goodbye

left my family...

Don't you look pretty as a picture?

And wonder just what this life holds for me

On my own in Seattle

city by the sea

there, a lovely woman

gave her love to me...

What's going on? Where am I?

Morning, sunshine.

Willoughby? What have you done?

Would you believe I just fancied a chat with an old friend?

Hardly.

Well, before you get all holier-than-thou,

if the tables were turned, you'd have done the same thing.

Rabbi loew animated his creature

to protect his people from slaughter.

I doubt you have such lofty intentions for me.

That hurts my feelings.

I've got loads of important shit for us to do.

And old friends to see.

Dear god, poor niles!

Whatever has happened to you?

Baphomet.

Hello, love.

I'm perfectly well. Just lost a little weight, that's all.

How are you?

_i__ -well, that's great!

Listen, can I ask you something, head to head?

What do you think of my pal, Willoughby?

Is he the kind of chap you could see yourself settling down with?

Willy, how could you do this dreadful thing to your friend?

Whatever do you mean?

I think I look top shelf.

I have no interest in these baby games.

Don't summon me again unless you decide to grow up.

Baby, wait!

Fuck!

I'm sorry, Willoughby,

but that was pathetic, even for you...

Wrong room, dickhead.

Oh, fuck me.

80, are you gonna tell us who you are

or does someone need to jam a foot up your pee-hole?

Oh! Aren't you charming? Now, would you mind telling me

when are you expecting niles caulder back?

- Well... - Look, lady.

- You're in our house... - Mmm-hmm.

Wearing our clothes and drinking our tea.

Yeah.

Now, answer our questions.

Then maybe we could talk about niles.

- How were you made? - Excuse me?

Is that aluminum?

You know, how does it... How does it stick to your face?

Uh, that is his face.

That is his face! Wow, okay.

- Stop doing that! - Okay, in a minute. Whoa!

- It's fascinating. - How long have you been in our house?

Well, long enough to see bandages over here

play dress-up with your dead bodies.

- No! - The fuck?

I was at a low point and wasn't making great decisions, okay?

Okay, tell me, why are you all scratching like circus animals?

Your name, now. Or I'm dragging your ass out of here.

Okay, well... I'm not being coy. Um...

The truth is, I can't remember.

- Why are you looking for chief? - Can't remember that either.

But when I think of him,

I am filled with an oven/vhelming and immediate urge

to punch him in the face.

- That's him. - Yup.

- Word. - Sounds about right.

But here's what I do know.

I seem to have traveled here via a sort of a time-travel capsule.

Ugh...

As a result, I have a moderate

to more-than-moderate degree of memory loss.

And that I need to find a certain niles caulder.

Bullshit!

There's no such thing as time travel.

'Cause if there was,

a certain sixth-grade assbag named Jimmy Decker

would've never pulled my pants down in assembly.

And I never would've had the nickname "cheeto dick" for six years.

That's what you would go back in time and fix?

Fuck yeah! But like I said, time travel doesn't exist.

You were saying?

What year did you come from?

Um...

If you saw us dead, that means that you were here at least since yesterday.

- Hey, Rita? - Hmm?

When did your super-secret alarm thing go off?

Uh, the day before we went to codsville, I think, ahem.

Which you completely ignored.

Well, the important thing is... oh, shut up.

She's here now, isn't she?

Right, yes. And now it's time for you all to answer my questions,

starting with, "where is niles caulder?"

He's deader than shit. God damn, I love saying that.

I see. How long?

About two weeks.

Two weeks. Right.

Well, then I shall just time-travel back to then.

Then. You can do that? And actually talk to him?

It's a time machine, dear. So I can, you know, travel back

and have a wee chat with Adam and Eve, if I want to.

Mmm, I don't know.

Things were a little hairy around here two weeks ago.

Kaiju candle-demon on the loose.

You might wanna go back a little further.

Right. Well, I shall go back three weeks, then.

Ooh, yeah.

This place was lousy with sex ghosts around then. I don't recommend it.

- True. - That's right.

- Well, four weeks? - No, no, no.

Okay. Well, how about five?

Hell, no.

Seven? What about seven? Give me seven.

Anyone for seven? You want to give me seven?

- Seven, anybody? - I think you're good.

Good, all righty. Bon voyage!

Send chief our love.

Tell him I said... He'll know what it means.

Okay, well, this is goodbye and has been a truly infuriating experience.

And I only hope that in your time of need, you will be met one day

with the same ineptitude and uselessness which you have shown me here today.

So, I bid you adieu.

Peace. God.

Come on, come on. Let's go.

Come on, come on.

Who's good with machines?

Lady, I only knew time travel existed ten minutes ago.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh! Thank you.

I can't fix your machine.

No. Well, not with that attitude, you can't.

What about cliff?

He knows everything about fixing cars.

Oh, I know more than everything.

Thing is, I don't give a shit about any of this.

So you kids have a party. I'm out of here.

Wait. We're just gonna let some crazy lady stay in our house

and put her crazy lady fingers on all our stuff?

Because there's nothing weird about some nutball traveling through time

to see chief?

- Yup. - Pretty much, yeah.

We've got our own crap to take care of, remember?

We agreed to get help with our shit?

- You were serious about that? - Yup. You should be too.

Well, you should mind your own fucking business.

Okay, right. Um, you. Take me to this secret alarm.

I would like to have a look at it.

- I would be happy... - No.

Oh, god.

Oh, god!

Shall we?

Okay. Well, I'll be back to check on your work later.

Oh, I'm not...

Oh, god.

Oh, god.

Well, first, my leg started fucking up.

Then my hands started shaking like fucking jell-o.

I thought that it was just shitty craftsmanship

by the shitty scientist that built my body.

But then my buddy cyborg scanned my shit and said

it might be my brain that's fucked.

Cyborg's not really my buddy. I don't know why I just said that.

He's more like this lesser version of me who lives in my house.

Anyhoo, my daughter-in-law thinks I might have Parkinson's.

But she's not a doctor. She's a graphic designer.

But you're a doctor. So what do you think?

Goddamn tiktokers. I don't have time for this.

Oh, fuck me.

Fuckit

Shit!

What the hell?

Which of niles' nonsense are you mixed up in now?

It's a time machine.

And for some reason, I've been tasked with fixing it.

Also, it's not niles.

I hope you didn't ask me here to help.

Time travel's fringe, experimental, dangerous.

Few human trials that I know of have led to neurological damage and memory loss.

Fringe and experimental?

As opposed to the body tech which was thoroughly vetted

before you put it in my body?

I did it to save your life.

And if I'm not mistaken, it seems to have worked out okay.

Alive and okay aren't the same thing. You know that, right?

Maybe you'd have more body positivity if you'd made better choices

for how you used your tech...

I didn't choose to put this in my body. You did.

What's going on here, Vic?

Where's this coming from?

I've just been wondering, is all,

if there was another choice,

if body tech was the only way to save my life.

Okay, let's talk about choice.

Like your choice to abet roni evers in evading authorities,

a choice that cost me my job.

What?

Technically, I'm on administrative leave.

- But it's not looking good. - But that's not fair!

You had nothing to do with it.

You used s.T.A.R. Labs tech I designed to help a murderer!

But she's not a bad person, dad!

If you know what she went through,

you'd understand where she's coming from.

She deserved a second chance, and I gave her one.

So that's it?

You take zero responsibility for your actions?

I can't believe I'd ever feel this disappointed in you, son.

But here we are.

Do you want to know why I asked you over?

Two days ago, I died.

What?

I went to the afterlife and I talked to mom.

Oh...

Finally happened.

You've been hanging around these nuts so long, you done lost your mind.

No. She told me that there was another way you could have saved me.

Yeah. And I want to know what it was.

Was there another way or not?

Well...

We had, uh, developed a prototype

for synthetic skin.

Oh, god.

So, I could've looked normal.

- It was still very... - Experimental.

Like the cyber tech?

Just like this?

Why would you do this to me?

You couldn't do human trials, so you used your own son as a Guinea pig?

Is that what this is?

I cannot keep explaining myself.

You can't or you won't?

Everything I did was to protect you.

I don't care what you hear or who you talk to.

It won't change that.

I must apologize for my housemates' less-than-warm welcome.

It's just, most of them are trying to move on from niles caulder,

so a mysterious stranger dredging him back up was probably a bit triggering.

Oh, yeah? Why is that?

Was he a bad man?

Yes.

And no.

He was a complicated person.

Yes. Well, aren't we all?

Oh, shitting hell!

Perhaps it was completely pointless coming here.

Well, how can you possibly know what to look for

when you don't know what you're looking for?

Well, the mind may forget, but the gut may not.

It is the elephant of the body,

and it will tell me when I am onto something.

It just occurred to me that I... I don't know what to call you.

Well, that makes two of us.

What about Shannon?

I've always liked that name.

Very well, Shannon it is.

Why don't you tell me, um, what your name is?

It's Rita. Rita farr.

Ah, well, Rita.

I don't know why you have attached yourself to me like a black-legged tick,

but it is distracting and quite bothersome.

And I don't mean to be unkind, but it's really annoying!

Oh, I didn't mean to be any of those things.

Do you have a question for me,

or is your neediness some kind of holistic condition?

Actually, I do.

Do I look at all familiar to you?

My body elephant has the strongest feeling that we know each other.

No one looks familiar to me, not even me.

Or do you... Do you not know how amnesia works?

Maybe try taking a nice long look at me for a minute.

Maybe it'll helpjog something loose. Hmm?

Oh, you got schmutz on your face there.

Ah!

Hotdog!

Okay.

That's the stuff.

Wow.

Whatcha doing?

Playing frisbee golf. What does it look like, dipshit?

Like you're making creepy Bob Ross fan art.

You made me feel like shit for not honoring our stupid pact or whatever,

so I tried making something out of my pain, like abuelita told me to.

But it didn't work.

And now I feel like an even bigger dick,

so I'm going to get high as fuck and then light it on fire.

- Wanna watch? - Definitely.

Only... maybe before you flick your bic,

you might wanna, I don't know, try talking to creepy Bob Ross.

- About what? - Whatever you want.

Maybe saying some shit you didn't get to before he died

will give you some closure.

Who crawled up your ass and made you Dr. Phil?

When we were in the afterlife, I got to tell off my asshole dad,

and it felt awesome!

I'm talking top ten best moments of my life, or afterlife.

At least it was great till he shoved his

"grandpa of the year" mug up my butt.

Not literally.

And I got to tell niles to suck a bucket of vaginas,

which also squeaks into my top ten.

Wait, when did that happen?

Oh, uh...

Probably about, ooh, sometime after he died.

He was a ghost, and he wanted me to burn his body so his soul could be at peace.

But I didn't do it because fuck him.

So I could've talked to him?

That's what I'm saying! You still can.

I'm sorry it has to end this way, old friends.

I'd like to think you'll do well out here.

But my guess is, you'll be dead a week after I am.

I'm in crisis, Larry, and I need a sympathetic ear.

Uh, not really a good time, okay?

There was another me at codsville.

How do you mean?

I mean, there was another me. As in, instead of just one of me,

there were two.

It happened right after that ghastly red creature started shooting.

I almost escaped, when "she"

shoved me back into the lounge.

What's more is, she was wearing the exact same flight suit

I found in Shannon's time machine.

- Who's Shannon? - Our mysterious time traveler.

It's what we're calling her now.

She remembered her name?

No. It's just what we're calling her.

Please, Larry, try to stay focused.

And if that weren't enough,

there's that strange creature in the afterlife

who not only seemed to know me, but to like me.

But I couldn't get any answers or even a little common courtesy out of Shannon,

so I am left to put the pieces together on my own.

But what does it all mean?

I mean, the two seem unrelated to me.

Ha! Larry...

What if I'm a world-renowned time traveler?

Uh, look,

after all the weird crap we've been through,

I can buy the time traveler piece.

But where do you get "world-renowned"?

Since I am one of two known time travelers,

one could extrapolate my elevated status.

Or maybe you're trying to find

some specialness inside you that isn't really there.

How could you say that to me?

I'm dying, Rita.

- Again? - Yeah.

What's happening?

I've been puking up blue crap all morning.

Since I don't eat or drink,

I don't think that's a good sign.

Oh, Larry.

Yeah, apparently, life without the spirit has its limits.

I think that's why he brought me into space,

so I could see it one last time.

Anyway.

I love you too much to not be honest during my last days.

Now, you see here, Larry trainor, I...

What's on your bandages?

Ugh!

What fresh hell is this? Oh!

You know, you... smell delicious.

Do you have ham in your pocket or something?

Um, not that I'm aware of, no.

-[Gasps} -Uh... did, um... did you just lick me?

Oh, I... I have no idea.

The sisterhood of dada presents.

Doesn't ring a bell.

Well?

Not a flicker.

Larry!

Rita...

My body elephant!

I'm telling you, this is that crazy spider lady's puke or something.

It's like a curse!

Bless you. Oh, my fuck!

I don't feel so good.

You don't look great either.

Jane? Jane?

Oh!

Oh. Everybody...

Everybody, come, I know who I am!

Pmanm!

And I can fly... I think.

Brains!

Brains!

Brains?

What happened to you morons this time?

Brains.

Are you the one who zombified these tits?

I don't think so. I couldn't swear to it, though.

Who's she?

Uh-huh. Okay. Um, could somebody tell me what's going on here?

- 'Cause I'm... - What happened to you lot?

Sure thing. I need an axe, gallon of petrol and a match.

Got it in one, bubba ho-tep.

Find me a VCR in this pit, and all will be explained.

Brains.

Is that niles caulder?

More or less. Shorter than you imagined, I bet.

You're funny.

Listen up, freaks. I got your dead leader's head.

If you want it back, you'll come and see me.

But don't keep me waiting or! Will make him pay for it!

Don't do it. Don't come here. Save yourselves!

Shut up!

I'll see you real soon.

I had niles' head first.

Darren stole it off me. Took my coat too.

Calm your festering arses down.

Do you know how much arcane mystical knowledge

is swimming around in that man's noodle?

Better I have it than some other crazy bastard.

Oh, right.

So you pilfered it in order to protect it?

That's right.

Not because its inherent magical value would fetch a fine price?

I'm sorry, who the fuck are you again?

Pmamm. And my name is Laura de Mille.

And that head may be the key to unlocking my memory,

so we have to rescue it.

I did have a plan.

A bloody good one.

But as per usual, your dumbfuckery

jammed a spanner up my arse and now you're zombies.

Is it too much to ask for you twats

not to fuck yourselves up so spectacularly?

Well, I may have an idea there.

We just need to keep this undead brood

from feasting on our brains till we put it into action.

Got it covered, love.

This was in James Dean's car the night he bit it.

It covers the smell of brains.

And the, urn... and the hats?

Keep our heads warm. It's cold without my coat.

Yeah.

Come on.

Look, you muppets. Delicious brains.

- Yummy, yummy. - Brains!

Brains!

Look, I don't know you.

And I'm not sure this plan's going to work.

But fuck it. Here.

Be very careful with that.

- It's petrified dragon's piss. - Mmm-hmm.

Most people worry about the fire, but it's the piss that'll get you.

Should pop his head like a balloon.

See you on the other side.

This way, solomons grundy.

There you are, my beauty.

He kept a serial killer diary.

I thought I smelled abominations.

Brains?

I'm so glad you sons of bitches are here.

I got one hell of a tale to tell you.

It's about a man who was on top of the world...

He had it all. A career,

a beautiful wife and children,

a home that would make Martha Stewart shit through her mouth with jealousy.

Shut up, freaks!

You destroyed my life, and god damn it, you will listen to me!

Okay, this is... this is good.

You've a mission and a plan, and...

And you're a bird.

So you've learned so much about yourself already,

you are almost there.

You are going to, uh, fly down there

like you have surely done a thousand times before

and, uh, place this magical, disgusting doodad thing

on that psychopath's head.

Okay.

Transform!

You probably haven't thought twice about your little visit to the ant farm,

but it has haunted me every second of every day since.

Do you have any idea what it's like to be attacked by hundreds of butts,

who tear into every inch of your flesh,

and then later, at dinner,

at church,

at my daughter's softball game,

something happens.

And then your wife tells you she can't stand you,

that you're not even a man anymore.

- I'm sorry, what? - She wants to see the head.

Oh.

My god, what's happened to you?

They're zombies, you berk.

Transform!

Trans... damn you! Damn it. Trans...

Fuck me, it's a dud.

I am gonna kill you all so fucking hard!

Fuck off hard. You were gonna try that anyway.

You know, usually when I tell that story

right when I come to the "something happens" part,

somebody usually asks me what made my wife leave.

Come on!

Eh, fuck it. What happened?

I'm so glad you asked.

Good shitting Christ, we're all the way through the looking glass now.

Shit!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah, there's some stuff that I really wanna do

yeah, badass people I wanna show you

oh, wait for it here it comes

Ignore the butts. Ignore the, um... the zombies.

Hey, yeah.

You're here for the head. The head. And you will get the head.

There is no failure, only death.

And you will not die today, sister!

Fuck you, asshole!

Fuck!

Don't worry, tweety.

You'll get your seven minutes in heaven.

Brains!

- Oops. - Legit

Them?

- Fuck 'em. - What?

Wait, I can save them.

You bleeding heart bastard.

Now's as good a time as any to cut the cord.

Like you did with my daughter?

Damn, you sentimental fool.

All right, Walt Disney, what's the plan?

Years ago, ldiscovered that zombies crave human brains

because the brain produces a rare chemical

that can actually cure the affliction.

Unfortunately, the truth was bastardized by filmmakers

who believed it made for better cinema.

Thanks for the history lesson, but my head guy in Paris

isn't taking my calls at the moment, so I have no idea on...

Huh.

You want me to feed you to that pack of morons?

They're my family.

It's all I have left to give them.

Fine. Thing of it is...

I don't think I can.

Um, well, that's okay, I'll... I'll take care of him.

We've had some times, haven't we?

The best of them.

So long, you bearded twat.

Hope they choke on you.

Goodbye, Willoughby,

Baphomet really does love you.

Stop trying to smother her.

Mr. Caulder,

I am so sorry to ask anything of you at a time like this,

but I am in some need.

I know my name is Laura de Mille,

and that I am associated with the sisterhood of dada

and that I am a bird and an ottoman.

The only other thing that I am aware of is that I need to find you,

but I have no idea why.

- Do you know me? - I know you.

All too well, I'm afraid.

Oh, I see.

Well, I gather we weren't on friendly terms, then?

Can you tell me why?

You heard me.

Yes, I... I heard you.

- But why? - I'll make you a deal.

I have documents with information about you.

Give me your word that after you feed my head to my people,

you'll stay the hell away from them,

and I'll tell you where the documents are.

Though I must be out of my mind to trust you.

Mmm-hmm.

You know, I do not understand why you have so much venom for me.

I'm not a bad person.

I don't feel like I'm a bad person.

Surely that's not the kind of thing that can be erased with one's memory.

Deeds have a way of leaving indelible marks on the soul.

Do you agree or not?

Brains!

Oh, Jane.

My dear, dear Jane.

It's okay. I love you, Jane.

I want you to eat me.

Eat me.

Eat me.

Eat me.

Eat...

So, are we, like, cannibals now?

- Shut the fuck up. - Don't.

Technically, since 99.99999% of my body is metal,

I'd have to eat a buick skylark to be a cannibal.

- Come on, man. - Stop saying that word.

Please stop talking.

Will someone at least tell me what it tasted like?

Enough already.

I will stomp your brain like a jelly-filled balloon.

I will say this.

The one upside to being a zombie was

the only thing I worried about was finding brains.

It was sort of, I don't know, peaceful.

Anyone feel like that?

Okay, just throwing it out there.

"Laura de Mille is a disloyal

and self-serving cancer to be excised.

It is my strong recommendation

that she be terminated immediately."

"Eat me."

"Eat me!"

What's this?

"Online pharmacy."

"No prescription necessary"?

Fuck yeah!

What the hell?

My god!

God!

Oh, shit.

So, what happened with niles?

Did he give you the answers you were looking for?

Will you be leaving us soon?

Ugh, now see here, you.

You are a guest in our home.

And though you did help save our bacon...

It doesn't give you the right to ignore my questions.

We know each other. I am certain of it, and...

Perhaps this isn't a good time.

Oh. I just made some oatmeal cookies.

Would you like one?

That would be nice.

Thank you.

Brains!