Original subtitles

Yeah! That's all I ever get from you guys--

a lot of hard luck stories.

You come back here and I'll give you an assignment.

It'll be your last interview with the cashier.

Stew. Stew Smith!

Mr. Conroy, give me a crack

at that Schuyler story, will you?

If you ever get your foot into a drawing room,

you'd step on a sliding rug.

Stew's the only man

that's got brains enough to handle this. Scram!

Did you find Stew?

Not yet.

Well, did you look in the--

First place I looked.

Not there, eh?

Well, for crying out loud where is that--?

Go and dig him up.

Stew!

Stew Smith!

There it is...

Pray for me, Gallagher. Pray for me.

Hold everything.

Stew, your hands are shaking.

You've been drinking again.

Come on, come on. Here it comes, Gallagher.

Stew! Stew Smith!

The boss is getting hoarse.

And the third one.

If I don't get the last one, there's a sob sister I know

is going to get a kick right in the-- Whoa! Almost had that.

Oh, Stew! Stew Smith! Stew--

What?

The screen?

Here it comes...

Gallagher, I've made it!

Ooh!

Come over here!

Look, I quit.

Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

You're always picking on me.

It took me three hours

to get those little gadgets in those holes,

and you screw it up in a minute.

Here, look.

Not as easy as it looks, is it?

No wonder you're batty.

Would it be imposing too much upon you

if I asked you to do a little work today?

Just to sort of break the monotony?

With me, you can always do business.

Do you know what to do in a drawing room?

It isn't the question of knowing what to do.

It's knowing to get in one that counts.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay.

Now, listen, we've got a tip.

The Schuyler family finally made a deal

with that chorus dame.

Gloria Golden?

Yeah, little Gloria.

The human cash register.

Got her hooks in the Schuyler kid, eh?

Right.

For the first time this year.

Well, it's only April.

Oh, come on, get going, get going.

Get going where?

I can write that story without stepping out of the office.

Yeah, and you can get us

into a million dollar libel suit.

It wouldn't be the first time.

Get a statement out of the old lady,

the sister or the kid, any of them, but get it.

All right.

Give me a voucher for expenses.

What expenses? Well...

All you need is carfare to Long Island.

You'd better get a shave and a shine because you--

you're going to have

a tough time getting in there as it is.

I know those blue-noses.

Their ancestors refused to come over on the Mayflower

because they didn't want

to rub elbows with the tourists,

so they swam over.

Dexter Grayson,

if you're any kind of lawyer,

you'll get those letters back.

But I keep telling you

how difficult it is, Mrs. Schuyler.

The last time I asked her for those letters,

she made very uncouth noises with her mouth.

I don't know why you're making all this fuss.

I only sent her six of them.

If you had to make a fool of yourself,

why didn't you tell it to her instead of writing?

Because I couldn't get her on the phone.

Imbecile!

You should have known better than to write, Romeo.

I found that out a long time ago.

I should say you had.

At the rate you two are going,

we'll have to leave the country to save our faces.

Splendid, mother.

Let's hop over to Monte Carlo.

It's a great place to save a face.

Oh, shut up.

What is it, Smythe?

Pardon me, madam,

but what am I to say to the newspapermen?

Dexter, go out and tell those ruffians

I have nothing to say.

You can't do that.

Leave it to me.

I know how to handle reporters.

All right then, get it over with.

We've decided to see the reporters.

Send in the man from the Tribune first.

Very good, sir.

Smythe, some bicarbonate of soda,

double strength.

I know those newsmongers will upset me.

I anticipated it, madam.

The bicarbonate is ready.

Hey, Bingy,

you'll find the silverware in the dining room.

Much obliged.

Mr. Grayson has decided to see you.

The gentlemen from the Tribune first.

There are no gentlemen on the Tribune.

I understand, sir.

Hey, take it easy, take it easy.

Oh, listen, my boy, no use you hanging around here.

Just buy a copy of the Tribune, read it over,

then make a rewrite for your last edition.

Never make the last edition.

It'd take me four hours

to translate your story into English.

Oh, is that so?

I'm afraid.

Take off your hat,

you might make an impression.

Impossible. Put it on again.

Hey, make up your mind, will you?

Hiya, folks.

Achoo!

What's the matter,

ain't there a "bless you" in the crowd?

You're the Tribune man?

Yeah. Hello. How are you?

Fine.

Have a seat.

Thanks, I will.

This way.

Oh, boy.

Fine newspaper, the Tribune.

Well, I should say.

I knew your managing editor well.

Is that so?

Yale. '21, I believe.

Huh?

We were classmates.

Ahem.

What's the matter, she got a cold?

I got him his job on the paper.

I'm a stockholder, you know?

Oh, is that so?

One Tribu man to another.

Yeah!

But right now

I'm acting in the capacity of Mrs. Schuyler's attorney.

That's all right with me.

I won't hold it against you.

But I'm over here to find out--

I know, I know.

But there's no truth in the story whatsoever.

Oh, yeah?

However, I've taken the trouble

to prepare a statement.

Here it is.

Here.

So you see how silly that rumor is.

Why, sure. It's a lot of hooey.

That's what I wanted to say, but I couldn't think of it.

Thank you very much.

All right, all right, don't mention it.

Give my regards to your managing editor.

I certainly will.

Well, so long folks.

Achoo!

Bless you.

Bless you.

Thanks.

So long.

Smythe, bring in the other reporter.

Yes, sir.

Schuyler's the name, I presume?

Yes, thank you, thank you.

My name is Smith. Stewart Smith.

No relation to John, Joe, trade or mark.

Of course, you can't have everything.

Nice set of Conrads you have out there,

Mrs. Schuyler.

I was just glancing through this one.

What's Michael tearing the paper about?

Just a habit.

Mr. Schuyler's a bit put out

by all these rumors going around.

Rumors? Rumors?

Since when

is a breach-of-promise case a rumor?

No breach-of-promise case has been filed.

The matter has been settled out of court.

Oh, I see.

Gloria isn't exactly satisfied

with the $20,000 dollars.

Dexter Grayson, you told me it was only 10,000,

and you didn't even get

those letters from that jezebel!

So you did give her 10,000 dollars, eh?

And there are letters.

Well, that takes it

out of the rumor class, doesn't it?

We admit nothing.

However, I've a little statement all prepared.

A statement? Good.

I have it here.

Good.

50 bucks, eh?

Don't you know

you should never offer a newspaperman

more than two dollars?

If you do, he'll think it's counterfeit.

I don't need $50.

Matter of fact, I've got $50.

The man from the Tribune seems perfectly satisfied.

Who, Bingy? Yeah. Bingy would.

He never saw $50 before.

You could have bought him for six bits.

Funny thing about Bingy,

the more he gets, the more he prints.

He looks stupid, doesn't he?

But, oh, how smart he gets

when he bends over a typewriter.

So 10 grand was the amount you gave the girl?

Any other statement you folks would like to make?

That's not so.

We have nothing more to say.

Don't get excited.

Nothing to worry about.

A little publicity never hurt anybody.

Dexter, have this person leave immediately.

I think you'd better go.

Go, huh?

Wait a minute.

That's a great story.

"Newspaper reporter was forcibly ejected

from the Schuyler mansion--"

Oh, wait a minute.

Don't mind Mother.

I don't mind her if you don't.

Anne?

I'm sure you're quite willing to be decent about this.

Decent? Why, Miss Schuyler, I want to be noble.

You're not going to print this silly thing, are you?

No? Why not?

Because my name's Schuyler too,

and I haven't done a thing,

but I'll have to suffer with Michael,

and so will Mother.

Mother's suffering already.

As a special favor to me,

you won't print that story, will you?

Please?

You know something, lady,

if you sold life insurance

I'd go for a policy in 60 seconds.

Oh, thank you.

I knew you'd understand.

May I use your telephone?

Certainly.

Right over there.

You're all right.

Hello?

Beekman 1300.

Beekman 1300.

That's an unlucky number.

You know that, don't you?

Hello? Hello, Toots?

Is Conroy in? Let me have Conroy.

He isn't? Try the washroom, will you?

Say I interviewed a swell guy the other day.

Einstein. Swell guy.

A little eccentric but a swell--

Doesn't wear any garters.

Neither do I, as a matter of fact.

What good are garters after--? Hello?

Yeah, Conroy. This is Smith talking.

I'm up at the Schuylers.

No, I'm not having tea.

That is, not yet.

Is she beautiful?

Oh, boss, her pictures don't do her justice.

If I were that guy, Ziegfield, I--

Yeah?

Oh, yes, you can see where her beauty comes from.

From her mother.

No, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Keep your shirt on. I'll come to that in a minute.

The Schuylers admit the story is true. Right.

Now, they gave the gal 10,000 bucks,

but she's got some letters,

and she's holding out for more dough,

and it looks to me like she's going to get it.

Right, boss, I'll be right over.

Right.

No, I don't think I can get any pictures now.

All right.

I've met some rotters in my time,

but, without a doubt,

you're the lowest excuse for a man

I've ever had the misfortune to meet.

Well, if you feel that way about it,

here's your nickel for the phone call.

Oh. How are you, Mr. Clark? Come right in.

How are you? Fine.

And she walked up to me,

and put her hand on my shoulder

and said,

"Mr. Smith, you wouldn't print that story, would you?"

No. I wouldn't print it. Read it.

You're sure going to be poison

to that Junior Leaguer from now on.

Gosh, I hope not.

I've got to call on her this morning.

You what?

Sure. I must drop in and see the wench.

Her wounds need soothing.

For heaven's sake, Stew, are you completely bats?

What for?

I thought that story was cold. You can't go back there.

The story's cold, but I'm not.

I'm sizzling.

Look. Psst!

Oh, came the dawn, came the dawn.

And with it came love.

Oh, Gallagher, you've got to meet her.

She's it.

And that.

And those and them.

Well, I've seen her pictures. I don't think she's so hot.

Oh, you don't appreciate her.

Pictures don't do her justice.

Oh, Gallagher, she's queenly.

She is queenly, and I know queens.

And, oh, has she got herself a nose.

And I know noses too.

That little schnozzle of hers

is the berries, I tell you.

And is it cute

when she throws

that little schnozzle to the high heavens.

Of course, I haven't got a nose.

Sure, sure, you got a nose, Gallagher,

you've got a nose, but that's different.

Women are different, Gallagher.

You know--

like brewery horses and thoroughbreds.

Oh, now, Stew, I wouldn't be too hard on her.

I wouldn't call her a brewery horse.

Gallagher, she's the real McCoy.

And the rest of us are truck horses.

There you go, talking like a woman.

Well...

Well, you're my pal, aren't you?

And don't turn female on me.

Pay that check, will you, Gallagher?

I'll give it back to you sometime. Maybe.

I go.

I go with Conrad in quest of my youth.

Fry those tomatoes, will you, Gallagher?

Ah, ah, ah. Now, now, Jeeves.

Now, Jeeves, was that nice?

Was that being a gentleman, Jeeves?

Your name is Jeeves, isn't it?

The name is Smythe.

Smythe?

Well, well, well. With a Y, huh?

Congratulations for a small world.

Brothers under livery. Now, as Smith to Smythe--

Mrs. Schuyler is not at home.

I know, I know.

I waited outside until she went out.

She's a nice lady, she's all right,

but we don't vibrate well together.

No one's at home, sir.

Now, Jeeves, would you call this no one?

What's wrong?

Mrs. Schuyler left orders, miss,

that if this person came again,

I was to call the police.

That's a good idea.

Telephone the police.

The number is Spring 3100.

Get a couple of cops over,

and we can have a rubber of bridge.

You may go, Smythe. But I--

Now, the lady said you may go.

What do you want?

When I was here yesterday,

I had one of your books in my hand,

and when I got outside,

I realized I still had your book in my hand.

So as long as I had your book in my hand,

I thought I might as well take it home and read it.

This morning, I got up and put your book in my hand,

and here's your book in your hand.

That's considerate of you.

That's considerate of me, yeah, I recommend you read that.

I'm not interested in your literary recommendations.

Well, perhaps it would be a little heavy for you.

If you'd like something lighter,

something with a touch of romance,

just listen to this.

"Adorable Babykins,

"does her miss her baby?

"Him sends his booful little sweetums

"a billion oceans full of kisses.

Bobo is so lonely--"

Just a moment.

I don't see how that trash can possibly concern me.

But you don't know who Bobo is.

And you don't know who Babykins is.

I'm not interested.

Smythe will open the door.

Smythe will open--

But Bobo is your brother Michael,

and, of course,

nobody would ever guess who Babykins is.

Where did you get those letters?

I stole them

when I was interviewing Babykins about Bobo.

I suppose you're going to print them?

No.

Give you another guess.

Oh, I don't need another guess.

It's quite obvious.

Oh, it's obvious, huh?

Will you step into the library?

Sure. I'll take a chance.

You know, the Indians used to walk like this,

except the squaw always walked in the back.

You know why that was?

That was in case of an attack from the front.

Of course,

if the attack was from the rear,

she had to depend upon her papoose.

Oh, yes, papooses always had bows and arrows.

Of course, if she wasn't married,

then she'd have to protect her own--

What country is this library in?

Ms. Schuyler, how about carfare back to the front door?

What are the initials, Mr.--

Smith, Stewart Smith.

My friends all call me Stew.

It's an injustice, too,

because I hold my liquor all right.

Will 5000 be enough?

For what?

For the letters, of course.

You shouldn't do that, Miss Schuyler.

That's all right for your lawyer friend,

but you shouldn't go around

thinking you can buy people.

There are your letters.

I don't know how to thank you.

Mother'll be so grateful,

she'll probably want to kiss you.

Your mother will want to kiss me?

Give me back my letters.

That's the breaks I get.

It's the mothers

that are always grateful to me.

Here.

You're a peculiar person.

Why, the other day, I pleaded with you

not to send in that story, and--

I know, but that was news. This is blackmail,

and I don't like blackmail.

I won't even pretend

you haven't done me a great favor.

I wish there was something I could do for you.

Well, you could make this table a little...

a little less wide.

There is something you can do for me, Miss Schuyler.

I haven't had any lunch.

You got anything in the ice box?

Oh, you fool.

After years of research,

I finally discovered

that I was the only guy in the world

who hadn't written a play,

so, believe it or not,

in my spare time, I am now writing a play.

Really?

Yeah.

I haven't figured out the plot yet,

but it's laid in a Siberian Village.

You're a bit eccentric, aren't you?

Me? No.

Most ordinary guy in the world, me.

Only one thing wrong with me.

You don't wear garters.

No.

No, that's just a symbol of my independence.

I know what's wrong.

I'm color blind.

That's what's wrong, I'm color blind.

I've been sitting here

for a half hour looking at you,

and I don't know yet

whether your eyes are blue or violet.

I'm just beginning to believe

that something could be done with you.

Say, you could do anything with me

you wanted to.

Putty, just putty, that's me.

But getting back to those eyes of yours,

would you mind if I...um...

if I kind of got closer,

so I could see them?

Not if you're going

to lose any sleep about it.

Now, how would you like them, open like this?

Close them both.

Something tells me I'd better leave.

That's an excellent idea.

Oh, hello, Mother.

Oh, hello.

Hello, Mrs. Schuyler. Come right in.

Will you have a slug of tea?

What is this person doing here?

Well, as a matter of fact,

I was just trying to decide

the color of Anne's eyes.

I can't tell whether they're blue

or whether they're violet.

What would you say, Mrs. Schuyler?

Why--

Oh, don't say it, Mother, please.

Mr. Smith came here today to do us a great favor.

Indeed? Perhaps he will do me a great favor?

With pleasure, madam.

Get out of here.

Oh, Mother.

It's all right, it's all right, Anne.

I can take a hint.

It's a little subtle, but I get it.

Please go. I'll explain to Mother.

All right.

The caviar was lovely, madam.

You must come over and see us sometime.

Where were you yesterday?

Oh, Stew and I went for a long ride.

Dexter, is there any finishing school

we could send him to?

Yes, Sing Sing.

Well, just the same,

he's going to be a different person

when I get through with him.

When you get through with him?

Yes. It's a very interesting experiment.

To make a gentleman out of a tramp?

Exactly.

Now, Anne, you remember how much it cost

to get rid of that baseball player?

You don't seem to understand

that this one's different.

He has brains.

But what about me, Anne?

You? Don't go serious on me, Dexter.

Hello, Natalie. Hello.

Miss Montgomery, Mr. Stewart Smith.

Mrs. Eames.

Mrs. Radcliff and Mr. Radcliff.

How do you do?

Hey, who's Anne's new boyfriend?

Well, if my ears don't deceive me,

I believe his name is Smith.

Smith! He can't be one of the brothers.

He hasn't a beard on.

Well, he must have something

or Anne wouldn't have her clutches on him.

Oh, Anne, pinch me, will you?

Throw me out of here. Give me the air.

Throw me out of this joint, will you?

Why should I?

Haven't we been happy, darling?

I know, but you should throw me out,

because I begin to get goofy ideas,

and they concern you, Anne.

None of your ideas could be goofy, Stewart,

if they concern me.

Well, my name is Smith.

That you seem to have been able

to stand for the last month.

I'm white, male and over 21.

I've never been in jail--

that is, not often,

and I prefer scotch to bourbon.

I hate carrots, I hate peas.

I like black coffee, and I hate garters.

I make 75 bucks a week,

and I got $847 bucks in the bank...

and I don't know yet

whether your eyes are blue or violet.

That's because you're too far away, Stew.

Yeah.

All right. Right.

Yeah, sure.

I got a new dress. New hat too.

Well, I'll try and get Stew to come with me.

Yeah. Yeah, he's all right.

Yeah, you know,

he thinks he's stuck on some society girl.

No, it won't last. It'd better not last.

What? Oh, I'll be surprised, eh?

Well, listen, if there's any news in that sheet

that I haven't thrown in the wastepaper basket,

I'll eat it.

Hey, Stew!

Stew Smith!

Me?

You double-crossing hound.

Come over here!

Oh, dear--

Now, listen, boss,

if you're going to kick about that expense account--

Do you call yourself a reporter?

Well, it has been alleged, yes.

Why, you wouldn't know news

if you fell into a mess of it, nose first.

So you're the bright lad that's never been scooped.

Not on my own beat, no.

No?

Well, where were you when that happened?

I've heard of people

being scooped on their own funerals,

but this?

Holy mackerel.

Why, it's news when Anne Schuyler

gets her fingernails manicured,

but this--

She gets married to one of our own reporters,

and the Tribune beats us to it.

Well, what do you guys want?

Go on, get back to your desks.

Go back to your work.

Now, don't tell me you were drunk at the time

and don't remember,

or is it one of Bingy's snowstorms?

No. No, it's true, all right,

only we didn't want it to get in print yet,

that's all.

Why not?

Well, you see,

I've acquired one of those new mother-in-laws,

and we were afraid she wouldn't understand,

so we were going to wait till she went to Europe.

Well, what do I care about your mother-in-law?

You're still working for this paper, aren't you?

Or are you?

Yes, sir.

Well, it's your business to get news,

and you let the Tribune scoop us on it,

making a first-class, grade-A monkey out of me.

Well, if it ever happens again,

just don't bother about coming back.

That's all. Yes, sir.

Thanks for your congratulations...

Hey, Stew!

How much is she worth? Is she good-looking?

Wait a minute.

Can't a guy get married without all this?

How about that 10 you owe me now?

Gallagher? Anybody seen Gallagher?

No.

Hello, Stew.

I fooled you, didn't I? You thought it was me.

Hi, Stew. Hi, Joe.

Hello, Stew. Congratulations.

Have a drink on the house, huh?

Come on, grab a drink.

Why, I'm going to have a lot of drinks.

You don't think I'd settle for one drink--

Oh, wait a minute. Excuse me. Be right back.

Well, well, well. Gallagher, old pal.

So there you are.

What did you run away for?

I didn't run away.

Sure, you ran away.

Aren't you going to congratulate a guy?

Sure. I wish you all the luck in the world, pal.

Thanks, thanks.

I hope you'll be very happy.

We'll be happy. What's the matter with your eyes?

It's the smoke.

Joe? A little snifter.

Say, was I a lucky guy

to fall into a girl like that, hm?

What have you got?

I don't know how I rate that, Gallagher.

Gosh, that's a swell girl. I want you to meet her.

Who, me? Yeah.

She wouldn't want to meet me.

I'm just an old load of hay.

Thank you, Joe.

We'll have a party down at your house,

one of those spaghetti parties.

We haven't had one in a long time,

have we, Gallagher?

Not since you broke into society.

Remember the time we had a spaghetti party,

and while I was serving the spaghetti,

I dropped it on the floor,

and while those mugs weren't looking,

I served it to them anyway. Remember that?

Yes, Anne would love that.

Do you think your wife

would walk up three flights

just to eat out of paper plates?

Anne? Oh, sure.

Anne would love that.

Remember, she's a Schuyler.

Now, get this, Gallagher. Smith, that's the name.

My error.

Hello, chief.

Cut that out.

Just because I'm married, no reason for that.

Ix-nay, the oss-bay.

Well, what's the benedict looking for in the newspaper,

his lost freedom?

Well, if it isn't old Fagan himself.

Gallagher and myself just came over

to do a little work on a story.

Baloney.

Joe, bring me a special.

Isn't it swell about Stew's marriage?

Is it?

Well, when are you quitting?

Quitting?

I'm not thinking of quitting.

I take it you don't have to work for a living anymore,

Mr. Schuyler.

Now, get this, Conroy. My name's Smith.

Always was Smith, always going to be Smith.

Is that so?

That's so.

Anne Schuyler's in the blue book.

You're not even in the phone book.

Think that one over, sucker.

Well, that doesn't make any difference,

if they love each other.

Blah.

He's like a giraffe marrying a monkey.

A what?

Listen, you'll never be anything

but just the reporter

that married the Schuyler's millions.

Stew Smith is dead and buried.

From now on,

you'll be just Anne Schuyler's husband.

A rich wife's magnolia.

If you can smoke that without getting sick,

you're welcome to it. Mm.

But that's perfectly ridiculous.

Wait a minute. Let me do the talking.

Get this, Conroy.

Anne Schuyler has a lot of dough, all right.

I married her, all right.

But her dough and me, no connection.

Just a bird in a gilded cage.

What? You heard me.

A bird in a gilded cage.

You've been reading a lot of cheap tabloids.

Anne and myself are going to move downtown

in a nice little flat.

We're going to forget all about this social stuff

and be known as Mr. and Mrs. Stew Smith.

Now, how do you like that?

And live on your salary, I suppose?

Live on my salary. Yeah.

That is until I finish writing my play.

What play? My play.

The one about the Siberian bloodhound?

Siberian bloodhound?

Oh, no, it's been all re-written.

It's laid in Araby now.

Araby? Sure.

Araby, my--

Well, I'm sorry to see a good reporter go blooey.

Let me know when you're quitting.

I'm not quitting.

No? No.

* For he's only a bird In a gilded cage *

* A beautiful sight To see *

* Tweet-tweet *

Go on, laugh, you hyena.

Don't pay any attention to him.

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

I ain't paying no attention to him.

Think that guy can get me upset? Not that mug.

He's a tough mug. Hard, cynical.

He doesn't know there's any fine things in life, that guy.

It's getting so now

if a guy steps out, he's called a magnolia.

Stew Smith, a magnolia!

Stew Smith is not going to hang around and be a speakeasy rat.

Not me. Not me.

I'm going to step out and mean something in this world.

You watch me.

I'm a lucky guy

that I can even be near Anne Schuyler.

I've been hit with a carload of horseshoes,

and, believe me, I know it.

Lucky, I'll say I'm lucky.

Don't you think I'm lucky, Gallagher.

Sure, I think so.

Sure you would, pal.

A bird in a gilded cage, huh?

How is her family going to feel about it?

Her family?

Oh, they'll be all right. I'll bring them around.

Gilded cage?

Besides, I ain't marrying her family.

Gilded-- Stew Smith, ha! Gilded cage.

That mug. What does he know.

I don't know what you need me here for.

It isn't my funeral.

You stay right here, Michael.

Someday you'll be head of this family,

but thank heaven

I shan't be here when it happens.

And I hope you never have a daughter

who gives you gastritis as Anne has me.

Oh, now, Mother, calm yourself.

There's no use in getting excited.

Oh, isn't there? Sit down.

Smythe, some bicarbonate, quick.

Double-strength.

Mother, if you keep this up,

you'll have a breakdown before you go to Europe.

Oh, it's a good thing your father passed away

before he saw insanity ravage the family.

I can't imagine

what made you do such a thing.

A reporter. Of all things, a reporter!

A barbarian who lets his socks come down.

Mother, I promise you

that he won't be a reporter much longer.

Once I get him away from that atmosphere

and get him away from a man named Gallagher.

Sit down.

Drink hearty, Mother.

Anne. Anne.

Mr. Grayson.

You.

Mrs. Schuyler.

Well, what's to be done?

He's here now.

Nobody seems to want to do anything.

Why not ask me?

Perhaps I could offer a suggestion.

Do what about what?

About what? Your marriage to Anne.

Oh, my marriage to Anne.

Now, Mrs. Schuyler,

we don't want you to go to any trouble about that.

We just want the usual your blessings, that's all.

Young man, I want you to know

that I object violently to this whole affair.

Mother, your attitude is perfectly ridiculous.

It's done now.

Stewart and I are married.

Yeah, I'm afraid she's right, Mrs. Schuyler.

I'm really very sorry you feel this way.

I was in hopes that you'd like me.

I'm not the burglar that you think I am.

After all, we're married.

I think the thing to do is to kiss and make up, Mother.

Stop calling me mother.

All right, Grandma.

This man's impossible.

I can't talk to him.

Grayson. Let's go where we can think.

See what you've done to me.

Oh, got it too, huh?

Who won that round?

I'm afraid your mother won that round.

That is, she got the last blow in.

I don't feel the way they do.

You're really not as bad as everybody thinks.

Well, began to appreciate me, eh?

Come on upstairs. I'll give you a little--

A little-- I'll be right up.

He's all right. I like him.

I'm glad.

He can bend.

Come here, baby.

I haven't seen you for three hours.

You're neglecting me already.

What's the matter?

Something I ate, no doubt.

Egg marks the spot.

You ought to get some new ties, Stewart.

I don't need any new ties.

I've got another tie.

I've got another beside this one.

It's a pip too.

Only one thing wrong with it.

You know what that is?

It has a little weakness for gravy,

and, once in a while,

it leans toward ketchup.

Of course, that's only in its weaker moments,

and when you move down to my place,

I'll show it to you.

Your place? Yeah.

Oh, it's great.

Of course, it doesn't compare

with this coliseum of yours,

but 'twill serve, milady, 'twill serve.

The architecture

has a little feeling of Missouri Gothic,

and the furniture

sort of leans toward Oklahoma Renaissance,

with a tiny touch of Grand Rapids.

Don't you think it's silly of us

to think of living there

when we have this whole big house?

When we have--

You'd like to have me live here in your house?

We can have the left wing

and be all by ourselves all the time.

Oh, we could have the left wing?

Would that be room enough for us?

Oh, darling, of course. If it isn't,

there are six rooms and two baths,

but if that isn't enough,

why, Mother will give us the blue room, I think.

Oh, Mother will give us the blue room?

You haven't a red room, have you?

Well, bless her heart, wouldn't that be nice?

Six rooms, two baths, and a blue room.

I guess she would let us have the right wing

if we needed it.

Oh, but we don't need it, I'm sure.

Oh, I see.

We won't need that. Plenty of room...

Look, Anne... Now, never mind.

You're not serious about this, are you?

Of course I am, Stewart.

Now, let's get this settled.

You have the cutest nose I've--

Never mind. Never mind my nose.

What kind of a chump do you think I am?

You don't think I'm going to live here

in your house on your dough?

What do you think my friends would all say?

Oh, don't be silly.

I'd get the razzing of my life for that.

A bird in a gilded cage, that's what I'd be.

Not me. No, no. Not me.

What do you think my friends would say

if they found me in a little cheap flat?

It isn't cheap. It's nice.

Let's not talk about things like that now.

I'll do anything you ask me to do,

but I will not live in here.

I love that nose. Oh, it's such a sweet nose.

Nevertheless,

whether the nose is sweet or not,

I'm not going to live in your house.

You might as well get that straight.

You want me to be happy, don't you?

Mm-hm.

Then I'm not going to live in it.

Mr. Smith, sir?

Mr. Smith, sir?

Mr. Smith, sir?

How do you like your bath, sir?

I like my bath all right.

How do you like your bath?

Who are you?

I'm your valet, sir.

Dawson is the name, sir.

You're my what?

Your valet, sir.

My gosh.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'll do that for you some time.

That was very sweet, now.

Say, listen, what did you say the name was?

Dawson, sir.

Dawson, was I very drunk last night?

Drunk, sir? Yeah.

I must have been plastered

if I hired a valet.

Oh, but you didn't engage me, sir.

Who did engage you, then?

If I didn't engage you, what are you doing--

Did you take anything out of those pants?

Oh, no sir. No.

What are you doing fooling around in here?

Miss Schuyler-- I mean Mrs. Smith--

She engaged me this morning, sir.

Oh, I see.

So Mrs. Smith engaged me a valet, eh?

That's very nice of Mrs. Smith,

to engage me a valet.

Say, you know, you're nice.

You're all right.

You'd make a good wife.

Thank you, sir.

But not for me. Just...

If anybody liked you...

You're a nice fellow, you're all right,

but I'm sorry,

I don't need any valets today.

Oh, indeed, you do, sir.

If you don't mind my saying so.

A gentleman's gentleman as it were.

Someone to draw your bath,

lay out your clothes, help to dress you.

It's really most essential, sir.

You're trying to tell me

that I need someone

to help me put on my pants and button them up.

Quite, sir, quite.

I'm sorry. I appreciate your efforts,

but I don't need anybody to help me button my pants.

I've been buttoning my pants for 30 years all right,

and I can button them with one hand,

as a matter of fact.

But, Mr. Smith, now, please.

You've got a nice face.

You wouldn't want anything to happen to your face?

Oh, no, sir. All right, outside.

I beg your pardon? Outside.

I think I understand, sir. You mean you want me to go?

There you are. You caught on.

You see? You're nice and you're smart too.

You caught on right away.

Outside. Go on. Outside.

And don't come back. No, sir, no.

Hey, wait a minute.

What's this?

Oh, that's a canary, sir.

That's a-- Who brought that in here? Cana--

Yeah... Canary, huh?

Go on, now. Get that out of here.

Yes, sir. Very good, sir.

A bird in a gilded cage.

Get that thing out of here.

Yes, sir.

Good morning, darling.

Oh, Dawson,

see that all Mr. Smith's clothes

go to the cleaners this morning.

Very good, madam.

Hey, who is this mug?

I got a present. Shut your eyes.

Now, keep them closed.

I know you're going to love them. There.

It's little.

Couldn't be an automobile, could it?

Well, well, well, ain't that nice?

Do you like them?

Got my initials on them, too.

They're cute.

What do you do with them?

You wear them, of course, silly.

No, no, not me.

I haven't worn these things for years.

Yeah, I know that. I'd be foolish.

I couldn't look Gallagher in the face.

Darling, I don't care whether you can

look Gallagher in the face or not,

but you're going to be a good boy and wear garters.

I love you, dear,

I'll eat spinach for you,

I'll go to the dentist twice a year for you,

I'll wash behind my ears for you,

but I will never wear garters.

* Oh, yes, you will, my dear Oh, yes, you will, my dear *

* You'll wear garters And you'll like it too *

* Oh, no, I won't, my dear Oh, no, I won't, my dear *

* I'll wash behind the ear But no, I won't, my dear *

* Oh, yes, you will, my dear Oh, yes, you will, my dear *

* You'll eat spinach But you'll wear garters too *

* Oh, you can't carry a tune You can't carry a tune *

* All you are good for Is to sit and spoon spoon *

* Oh, no, I won't Wear garters *

* Oh, yes, you will so too Yes... **

Is it real?

Of course it's real.

Any diamonds on them?

Must have set him back at least six bits.

One just can't wear those and be decent.

Yes, you can,

if you belong to the 400.

I wonder what number he is.

Come on, get out, get out!

What's the matter with you mugs?

Didn't you ever see a guy with garters on before?

What do you suppose he wears them for?

Can it be possible to hold his socks up?

Yes, that's it.

You know one's hose looks horrible untidy

when they hang loose-like.

Don't you think so, Percy? Is that so?

Oh, my dear. They look ghastly.

They look ghastly. Come on, get out of here.

Stew, your policeman.

Yeah.

Hello?

Oh, hello, dear. Uh...

Wait just a minute. Go on, beat it.

Go on, screw. Screw, will you? This is my wife.

Go ahead.

Pardon me.

In your respective chapeau and over your cauliflower ears.

Hello, dear.

It's nearly 6:00,

and you know how long it takes you to dress.

But the ambassador is coming at 8

and you've got to be ready by the time he gets here.

I'd like to see Miss Wilson, please.

Whom shall I say, miss?

Miss Gallagher of the Post.

Miss Gallagher of the Post.

Oh, yes.

Miss Gallagher? Yes.

I'm Miss Wilson,

Mrs. Schuyler's social secretary.

I was sent from the Post

in place of our social editor.

Yes, of course. Miss Ramsey telephoned me.

Well, what would you like to have?

A list of the guests.

That's the usual thing, isn't it?

Yes, of course. I'll get it for you.

In the meantime, would you like to take a look around?

Yes, thank you.

It's a lovely dress.

Thank you.

Where is Mr. Smith?

Mr. Smith?

Oh, you mean Anne Schuyler's husband?

He's probably very tired.

You see, he's had to meet all these people personally.

Oh, yes, I can imagine.

You newspaper people have a lot of fun with him.

What is it you call him? The "Cinderella Man"?

There's the Spanish Ambassador.

He looks like one.

Miss Wilson? Yes?

Mrs. Smith would like to see you.

Will you excuse me?

Make yourself at home for just a moment.

Mr. Smith, I've read some of your plays,

and I'd like an autograph.

Well, well, well, if it isn't my old pal!

Turn around, gal. Let's get a look at you.

There you are.

Well, daughter of the slums,

how'd you get out of the ghetto?

Well, I'm pinch-hitting

for our society editor tonight.

I wanted to see some life in the raw.

You want to see life in the raw, huh?

Well, gal, I'm afraid

we ain't got no raw life up here.

I'll have to go someplace else then.

Maybe we could interest you

in some well-done butterflies,

or perhaps some slightly fried pansies,

or, better still, some stuffed shirts,

and guaranteed,

every one of them

will give you a good stiff pain in the neck.

Say, who's been tying your tie lately?

It looks rotten.

Gallagher, do you look good.

What have you done to yourself?

What did you do to that hair?

And where did you get that dress?

I dyed one and washed the other.

Oh, you dyed one and washed the other?

You certainly look good.

Don't turn around now,

but there's a very beautiful girl up there

who seems to be staring at us.

Staring at us?

My mistake, she's glaring.

Must be my wife.

It is my wife.

Hi, Anne.

Don't go away.

You must stay right there, because I'm going

to bring a friend up I want you to meet.

Anne, prepare yourself for the treat of your life.

This is Gallagher.

Gallagher?

Sure, my pal on the paper.

She's subbing for the society editor tonight.

Oh, yes, of course. How do you do?

Gallagher, Mrs. Smith.

How do you do?

You know, Stewart, you failed to mention

that Miss Gallagher

was a very beautiful young girl.

Gallagher?

Yes, as a matter of fact,

you failed to mention that Gallagher was a girl.

I failed? Well, now, that's--

That's funny, isn't that funny?

Yes, isn't it? Well, you see, I...

We never look at Gallagher as a girl.

No? What do you look upon her as?

Well, down at the office, we always just look at--

Gallagher, that's all.

You see, they all consider me just as one of the boys.

Right. Indeed? How interesting.

Yes, isn't it?

Miss Wilson will give you the guest list

and any other details you need,

Miss Gallagher.

Well, thank you.

I'll go and look for her at once.

Goodbye, Mrs. Smith.

Goodbye, Miss Gallagher.

Goodbye, Stew.

That was kind of a rotten thing to do, Anne.

After all, Gallagher is my friend.

The least you can do is be courteous to her.

I thought I was very charming, Stewart.

You did? That's a lot of hooey.

I'll go and apologize.

Oh, Stewart, please.

I'm sorry, Gallagher. Really, I am sorry.

Oh, that's all right, Stew. Forget it.

Why, as far as she's concerned,

I'm just part of the hired help.

Oh, no. No, no.

Strange. I've never seen Anne

act that way before.

It's funny I never thought to tell her

that you were a girl, isn't it?

Yes.

Hello there, Meadows.

Who is it you wish to see, sir?

I want to see Stew Smith.

Oh, excuse me. I mean, Mr. Smith.

Pardon me. Mr. Smith is engaged.

We are having a reception here this evening.

Oh, a party, great.

Jolly times and merry pranks, that's me.

I'm a guy who loves parties.

You know what--

Beautiful pair of shoulders.

Listen, now, as a favor,

will you please make it snappy,

and tell Stew Smith I've got to see him,

because if you don't,

my whole family's going to die.

I'll tell Mr. Smith at once, sir.

Have a seat.

Well, I've got a seat,

but I have no place to put it.

Pardon me, sir,

but I've heard that one before.

Excuse me, just want to be sure

that he doesn't take away any of the vases.

Well, well, well.

My little pal, Gallagher, is a gal, huh?

That's just to give you an idea

that I know how to treat a gal.

Get fresh with me,

and I'll sock you

in that little nose of yours.

Excuse me. I'll be right back.

What's the matter, Bingy?

A little clumsy to get in your pocket?

I was just looking at it. Pretty, ain't it?

I was just looking for the price tag.

What do you want?

Oh, nothing, nothing. I just blew over.

I wanted to see how the old newshound looked

made up for a gentleman.

Would you like to have me turn around for you, Bingy?

Oh, boy, I'd love it.

How's that?

Not bad.

Not good, but not bad.

You ought to be able to fool about almost anybody.

Is that so?

Well, have you seen enough,

or would you like a photograph?

A photograph?

What's the matter,

hasn't Mama had you done in oils yet?

* Just a gigolo Da, da, da, da, da **

Now, get this, mug,

you've got the kind of chin I'd just love to touch.

If you don't get out of here,

I'm gonna hang one right on it.

Take it easy, Dempsey. Just relax, my boy.

Relax and open your pores.

I bring a message from Garcia.

Yeah?

The boss sent me over to offer you a job.

He wants you to write a daily column on the Tribune.

Go on.

Well, it's all right.

You can write your own ticket.

$150 bucks a week.

All right, I'll bite. What's the catch?

There's no catch. This is on the up and up.

Of course, all you have to do

is just sign the article

"By Anne Schuyler's husband."

Well, how does the old Cinderella man

feel about that?

Well bowled, sir, very neat.

That's what I think of it, Bingy.

Smythe, the gentlemen is leaving.

Yes, sir.

Good morning, Mother.

Didn't I tell you he'd be marvelous?

Everybody thought he was so charming last night.

I was so worried

he'd knock over a vase or something.

I must have acted like an idiot.

What does it say about the reception last night?

Oh, the usual thing.

"Blah blah blah

"attended the blah blah reception

"and wore the same blah blah things.

Stop it, Anne.

You're behaving like

the person you're married to.

Oh, you don't have anything to complain about, mother.

He was all right last night, wasn't he?

I told you not to worry about him.

It was a miracle.

The man was ill or something.

Mother!

Look. Look.

The front page.

I knew it. I knew it. I felt it in my bones.

Did you see the papers?

"Cinderella Man grows hair on chest."

This is the most terrible kind of publicity--

Don't you think I know it, Grayson?

Smith, send for Mr. Smythe.

Smythe, send for Mr. Smith.

Double-strength.

"Cinderella Man grows hair on chest."

"'I wear the pants,' says Anne Schuyler's husband."

Good morning, everybody.

Maybe it isn't good morning, huh?

Anne, did you ever get a feeling

there was somebody else in the room with you?

Have you seen this?

Yeah, the worm.

I beg your pardon?

He's a worm, and I'm going to step on him.

To engage in a brawl, a cheap, common brawl

in my own home.

"I wear the pants".

"The pants." Not even "the trousers."

I've tried to stop the evening papers,

but it's useless.

You quit trying to stop anybody.

Well, at best, you might deny it.

Why deny it? The more you deny, the more they print.

Let them alone. The thing to do is to sit still.

Keep your trap shut. Trap shut?

I'll take care of this guy, Bingy, myself, personally.

Now, what are you crying about?

Oh, is this true, Stewart? Did you really say it?

Yes, I said it. I didn't say it for publication, however.

And you struck him right here?

Yes, I'm sorry.

I struck him right here in your house,

and I'll strike anybody in anybody's house

that calls me a Cinderella Man.

Well, what else do you expect them to call you?

Dexter.

That's the 14th crack you've made to me.

I'm keeping count of them. When they get to 20,

I'm going to sock you right in that nose.

As a matter of fact,

I ought to sock you right now.

Anne Schuyler, are you going to sit there

and watch this man insult us?

Haven't you any decency left?

Well, why doesn't Dexter show some decency?

And you might show some too, Mother.

What do you expect a man to do

when he's called such names?

I'm glad you hit that reporter, Stewart,

he deserved it.

All right, all right.

It's your funeral, Anne Schuyler.

Go on, beat it, shadow.

Cinderella Man.

That's 15.

Pardon me, madam,

they've phoned through from the mayor's reception

to remind you

it's past the hour for the reception.

Are the cars ready?

They have been ready for the last half hour.

I hope I don't have to make any speeches tonight, Anne.

Oh, you can't disappoint all those women.

You know, it isn't every day

they get to see a famous round-the-world flier.

Yes, I know, but they scare me to death.

You know, this is the fourth dinner

you've taken me to this week.

I'm running out of material.

Are you complaining?

Yes, there's always too many other people around.

Anne, it's getting late.

What are we waiting for?

You're waiting for my husband.

If you'll excuse me,

I'll run up and see what that slowpoke's doing.

I'll be right back.

Stewart, we're all waiting for you.

Where's your valet?

I poisoned him.

Stop trying to be funny and get ready, will you?

Oh...

I'm not going.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about I'm not going.

What am I going downstairs and tell those people?

Go downstairs and tell them-- Tell them anything.

Tell them I'm not going. Tell them I'm not at home.

Stewart, would you mind telling me why you're not going?

Yes, I'll tell you. For the same reason

I've never wanted to go out with those social parasites,

those sweet-smelling fashion plates.

I don't like them. They bore me. They give me the jitters.

Do you know you're talking about my friends?

Yes, I'm talking about your friends,

and they still give me the jitters.

Well, are you going or aren't you?

Anne, come here.

Look out for my lipstick, Stewart.

I tell you what let's do.

Let's you and me sneak out all by ourselves.

Are you crazy?

Think of the fun we can have.

We'll sneak down the back stairs

and get in the valet's Ford--

Will you stop being silly, Stewart?

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll introduce you to all my gang, would you like that?

But I don't want to meet your gang.

I don't mean the newspaper fellows you don't like.

Another gang I know.

You'd love them.

They're writers, they're musicians,

they're artists.

Great crowd of people. Do great things.

People worthwhile.

Meaning that my friends aren't worthwhile, I suppose?

Oh, they're all right-- That's what you mean.

Heaven knows, you've made that clear to me often enough,

and I'm sick and tired of it.

I've given you party after party.

I've taken you into the best homes in this town

and introduced you to people of importance,

and are you grateful? No. Well--

You insult them and act like a boor.

I'm sick and tired of making excuses for you

and the things you've done.

Perhaps it's just as well you're not coming tonight.

Maybe I can enjoy myself for once

without having to worry about you

and what you're going to do.

And that, my friend,

is what is known as, "Society belle

"telling ex-star newspaper reporter to go to--

How have you been, Mr. Smith?"

Did you call, sir?

Smythe. Yes.

Smythe, come here.

I want to talk to you.

Smythe, come here.

Come on, Smythe, talk to me, will you?

Smythe, I'm going nuts!

I'm going nuts in this house!

This big-- Come here.

I'm not going to hurt you.

Come on, come on.

Come on, what's the matter with you?

Come here.

Shh.

Do you hear something?

Yes, sir. You try it.

Me, sir? Yes.

Give it more volume.

All right. No, no, that's enough.

I just wanted to give you an idea.

Now you know. This house is haunted.

No, sir. Yes, sir.

Have you looked in the closets?

Yes, sir.

Found no skeletons? No, sir.

It's haunted just the same.

Yes, sir. House is-- Here.

Smythe, what do you do with yourself?

I mean, when you're not carrying

those double-strength, what do you do?

Well, sir, I putter.

Smythe...

when you're alone and want to amuse yourself,

then what?

I just putter.

You putter, huh?

Do you have to have a putter to putter?

No, sir. I putter with my hands.

Well, isn't that nice.

You just go right ahead with your... That's all right.

How do you do that?

Well, sir, I'll show you.

That's puttering, sir.

No. That's--

Well, well, it's all right if you like it. What--?

Can anybody--? Anybody can do that?

Oh, no, sir.

Some people are natural putterers,

others can never master it.

Oh, my. You mean some people are born

and never would become putterers?

Yes. Oh, my.

Wouldn't that be tragic,

to know that you could never be a putterer?

Yes. How about me?

Do you think if I concentrated

and put my whole soul into it,

that some day, I might be a putterer?

You, sir?

You could never be a putterer.

Not a good putterer, sir.

I don't want to putter. If I can't be a good putterer--

Why? What makes you think I couldn't be a good putterer?

Well, sir, to be a putterer,

one's mind must be at ease.

A person with a problem could never be a putterer.

For instance,

a fish can putter in water but not on land,

because he'd be out of place.

An eagle can putter around the rugged mountaintops,

but not in a cage,

because he'd be restless and unhappy.

Now, if you will pardon me, with all respect,

as a Smythe to a Smith, you are an eagle in a cage.

A bird in a gilded cage?

Yes, sir. That's all I want to know.

Hello.

Hello, Gallagher.

Hello, Gallagher, old pal. How are you old pal, huh?

Oh, hello, Stew.

I'm pretty good. Can't complain.

How is our gentleman of leisure?

I'm on the coast of Norway, and I can't get out.

Will you come get me out of the coast of Norway?

Oh, your play.

Hmm. Yeah, "Act 1, Scene 1.

Coast of Norway" and then a lot of blanks.

Is that it?

Eh? Come on.

Oh, don't be silly. All right, all right.

If you feel like you need a chaperon, call up...

Call up Hank.

Yeah, you'll find him at Joe's, no doubt.

Yeah. Hank would be my idea of a perfect bodyguard.

Sure you would. I knew I could depend on you, old pal.

Snap it up, will you, Gallagher?

Okay.

Smythe, I'll get this.

I'm expecting some friends.

Very good, sir.

Well, Gallagher. Come in, come in!

I'm glad to see you.

Hello, Hank. How are you?

Fine, but kind of thirsty.

Come right in. I'll get you a drink.

Oh, say. You remember Joe. Sure.

Well, I sort of invited him along to bend an elbow.

It's all right. Bring him in.

Come on, Joe. It's all right.

Hello, Joe. Hello, kid. How are you?

Glad to see you.

Just a minute. Johnson's outside.

You don't mind

if he comes in and dips the beak, do you?

No, no. Bring him in, the more the merrier.

Hello, Johnson.

Hello, Stew, old pal. How are you?

Look, wait a minute.

I got two of the boys I brought along.

You don't mind if I bring--

You brought two? Yeah.

That's all right. Bring them in.

Ned, Fred, come on in.

Hello, boys. Stew.

Come right in. Hello.

Hello, Stew.

Stew, old boy.

Hello, Stew.

Hello, sonny-boy.

Hi, Stew, how's the boy?

Hello, Stew. Well, Stew!

I'm sorry nobody could come.

Well, my old pal Stew.

If it isn't Sweetheart. Hello.

Why didn't you bring your family with you?

The rest of the gang

had to get out the morning edition,

but they'll be down later.

Now Hank, are you sure they're coming?

It will be lonesome without them.

Smythe, take this crowd in and give them a drink,

and find out what the boys in the back room want.

I say there, Smythe, don't be holding out on us.

We're willing to help you.

It isn't done, gentlemen. It isn't done, I said.

It isn't done. I'll be right with you.

Well, Gallagher, you certainly took no chances, did you?

I'm sorry, Stew.

I asked Hank, and, well, Hank did the rest.

I see. Hank brought them all? That's all right.

We'll give them a drink, and we'll throw them out.

Holy--

Is there a green elephant standing beside that fella?

No. This is just little Bingy Baker.

Bingy-- Ah, ah, ah.

Ah.

Big Chief Bingy

come to white man's tepee to make friends.

Big Chief very sorry.

To show how sorry will bend over

and let white man kick Big Chief

where sun never shines.

Excuse me, Gallagher. I wouldn't miss this for--

Mm.

Firewater all right.

Well, Stew, that's all thrashed out.

By golly, I'm certainly glad

you're not really sore.

You know our racket.

After all, news is news.

Sure. It's all right.

That was a great story. I wished I'd printed it.

Well, I gave her the breaks, didn't I?

That was the hairy-chest story.

You raised it up to the chin, I see.

Go on in the other room and get yourself a drink.

Hey, Smythe!

Smythe!

Give them one drink and throw them out.

Yes, sir. We're gonna give him one.

You know what I should do with you?

I should sock you right in that funny nose.

Yes, and I'd love it. Sure, you'd love it.

How far have you gotten?

Just been able to get off of that Norway coast so far.

"Act 1, Scene 1. A street in Old Madrid."

Well, you're not getting your play done,

but you're certainly covering a lot of territory.

Haven't I covered some territory?

Feel like I've been on a cook's tour someplace.

Stew, have you ever been to Old Madrid?

Been where?

To Old Madrid?

No. I never even been to new Madrid.

Then how do you expect to write about it?

Oh, I'll draw on my imagination, I suppose.

Ah, did Conrad draw on his imagination?

Did who? Conrad.

What do you know about Conrad?

I don't know a thing about him,

but isn't he the one you're always yelling about?

Gosh, you look cute.

Isn't he the one that always writes

only about the things he knows about?

Then why don't you write about something you know?

Write about yourself and Anne.

The poor boy who marries a rich girl.

Now, there's a swell theme.

Gee, that's an idea there, Gallagher.

That's an idea there. I wonder, now.

Oh, sure.

She'd make a beautiful heroine.

And there's her mother.

And oh, what a character that old dame would make

with her double-strength.

And that lawyer friend of theirs.

He'd make a great villain. Sure.

And there's you.

What could I be?

I don't know. You could be something...

Come on, scram. We got an idea. Let's get this set.

It's a great idea, now. A great idea for a play.

Get me a cigarette, will you?

Let's don't lose this. Just...

Here you are.

All right, thanks.

Now, let's see. Uh...

How will I start?

Hey, pal, how would you start, huh?

Smythe, you're a slave.

What's the difference between a king and a butler?

Say, you can't come in here.

This is a private party.

Hey! Hey!

My old classmate from Harvard.

Whoopee! Harvard. '98. Hello, Mama.

And I know who's the cause of it all.

Oh, Dexter.

Smythe!

Smythe!

Who are these people?

Friends of mine.

Very lit-- lit-- Very literary people.

He's drunk.

Smythe, you've been drinking.

I have, double-strength.

Very drunk.

Where is Mr. Smith?

Well, for crying out loud, I don't know.

And I don't care.

Ha, ha, ha! Whoopee!

Very, very drunk.

Now, Gallagher,

if we could only get a great scene,

a tremendously emotional scene,

something to just

wring the hearts out of the public

to bring the curtain down in the second act,

we'd be okay.

Couldn't dig one out of your hat, could you?

Afraid I'm all out of tricks tonight.

Now we've got them

right up to where the boy's wearing his white spats,

and going to pink teas, and the frau enters.

How's that? Very good.

Now, if we could get where--

Oh, hello, Anne.

Good morning.

What does this mean? What does what mean?

Oh, that mob downstairs,

I got so interested in the play,

I forgot all about them. Oh, I see.

And we got a play, Anne. Have we got a play!

Of course, most of it's Gallagher's.

She did most of it.

That brain of hers

just snaps like that all the time.

Well, I'm not interested in the way her brain snaps.

I think I'd better go, Stew.

I think you should, Miss Gallagher.

Wait a minute, Gallagher.

What's the idea, Anne?

The idea is simply this,

that I want these people to leave here immediately.

Wait. Aren't you being a little unreasonable?

Unreasonable? Have you any idea

what the place looks like downstairs?

Do you expect me to stand here

and see this house turned into a cheap barroom?

Now, Anne, don't get excited.

Perhaps the boys have had a little too much to drink.

That's all right, I'm sorry. I'll go down and throw them out.

That's no reason for you to take this attitude.

I certainly have a right to invite a few of my friends

to my house, haven't I?

Your house?

Oh, I get you.

It's all right, I don't blame you.

I kind of forgot myself for a moment there.

That's what I call "getting me told,"

isn't it, Anne?

I suppose I've been boarding out this last year.

All right, I'll tell you this.

I don't like your boarding house, lady,

and if it's all the same to you, I'm moving out.

Stewart.

It's something I should have done a long time ago,

only I didn't have sense enough to do it.

No, I had to stick around here

and try to make a success of something

that I knew darn well was a failure

from the very beginning,

but no more.

No more. So that's that.

Oh, you can't walk out of here like this.

Who's going to stop me? I'd like to see somebody stop me.

You don't think I'm going to stick around this joint,

just to look at this mausoleum? Not on your life.

You're going to make no stuffed shirt out of me.

Now, what do you think of that?

What's going on here?

Who's this woman?

Joan of Arc. What's it to you?

Heavens, the man's insane!

Sure I'm insane.

But I've got some good news for you.

This magnolia is leaving your sweet-smelling vanilla joint.

This bird in a cage

is going to button his own pants from now on.

And that is what's known as "telling the mother-in-law."

Eurek--

You've done nothing but watch me ever since I've been here.

Treated me like a thug,

watched me like a hawk, mistrusted me.

Every time I leave the house,

that dame counts the silverware.

That's ridiculous.

It's all right! I don't blame her.

I know I'm out of my own crowd.

Should have had better sense from the beginning,

but I'll stay in my own backyard from now on.

You're acting like a child.

All right, I'm a child.

Have it any way you want,

but I'm going back to my own apartment,

where I should have lived in the first place,

but no, I listened to you and move here.

If you want to live with me, Anne, okay,

but the sign outside will say "Mr. Stew Smith"

and you'll have to be Mrs. Stew Smith,

or there's nothing doing.

No more Anne Schuyler's husband.

Here's some more news for you.

You can take your red room, your green room,

your left wing, your right wing,

and you know what you can do with them.

Come on, Gallagher.

Oh, Stewart!

Could you spare a dime for a cup of coffee.

Coffee?

How would you like to be the Knight of the Garter?

Not now. Just coffee.

It's all right. Wait just wait a minute.

Entertain the gentleman, Gallagher.

There you are, my man,

with those, you can eat for a couple of months.

How about the socks?

I wouldn't worry too much about it, Stew.

She'll see it your way.

I'm not worrying about her.

I'm worrying about that second-act curtain,

that's all.

Oh, you're just a first-class chump.

You just staged a scene

that would play like a million dollars.

How about that declaration of independence

for the second-act curtain?

That's an idea. It's a great idea.

Hey, Gallagher?

Gallagher?

Yeah? How about my breakfast?

How do you expect me to bring a curtain down

on an empty stomach?

It'll be ready in a minute.

If you can't get my breakfast ready,

can't get here on time,

then you can go get yourself another job.

Sorry, boss.

Don't be sorry, just get the breakfast, that's all.

Hello, Smith.

Holy jumping swordfish.

I suppose you know why I came?

No. I have no idea,

unless some of the silverware's missing.

No. Don't be absurd, Smith.

May I come in?

Surely. Come right in.

Thanks.

May I sit down?

Surely. Sit down.

If I'd known you were coming,

I'd have thrown you up a waffle.

I don't eat waffles. You don't?

Anne asked me

to come see you about the divorce.

She did?

She wants me to arrange the financial settlement.

Listen, Grayson,

I've got $106.75 in the bank.

Now, Anne can have any part of that she wants,

but she'd better hurry,

because I'm spending it awful fast.

You don't seem to understand.

Anne doesn't expect anything from you.

We would like to know how much you would want--

Wait a minute.

Do I get from you

that she wants to pay me alimony?

That's putting it crudely, but--

Remember what I told you about that 20th crack?

Perfectly. You've just made it.

Before you go unconscious,

I want you to get this through your nut.

I beg your pardon? Unconscious.

You know, when you don't know anything,

your natural state.

There are some people you can't buy their self-respect.

I happen to be one. We just thought that--

Don't think. Let me do the thinking.

Now, go back to that Schuyler outfit

and tell her I didn't marry that dame for her dough,

and I don't want any of her dough now.

I was too poor to buy her a wedding present,

so I'll give her a divorce for a wedding present.

Now stand up.

And now for that 20th crack.

Now, get.

Who was that?

The Schuyler lawyer.

What did he want?

Gallagher, that guy just dropped by

to give us the opening for the third act.

What was the idea he gave you?

Mmm.

Swell idea, Gallagher. How's this?

The family lawyer comes to see the kid

to talk over the divorce, you know?

Then they insult the poor but honest boy

by offering him alimony.

So the kid gets sore,

socks the lawyer in the nose, and throws him out.

How's that for

the beginning of the third act?

Well, from now on, the play will be easy.

All you have to do is bring the wife back,

have her say she's sorry,

and then your play's over.

Do you think I'm going to let that guy

go back to his wife?

Not on your life.

He's got to go to the other gal.

What other girl?

Little O'Brien girl, of course.

The one you suggested in the story.

But that's ridiculous, Stew.

You can't make a sudden change like that.

Gallagher, what are you going to do?

Tell me how to write a play?

No. Nothing sudden about that.

He's always loved the girl,

but he was such a sap,

he didn't have sense enough to tell her.

That's all right. We can fix that.

He'll go to the gal and--

Here, I'll show you.

He'll go to the little O'Brien gal,

and he'll say,

in some pretty words of some kind, he'll say--

Something you can write,

he'll say, "Darling, I'm sorry.

"I've been a fool all my life.

"I've always loved you,

"only I didn't have sense enough to see it.

"As quick as I get a divorce from my wife,

I want you to marry me."

She'll look at him,

and then she'll say,

"Yeah."

And they'll... they'll embrace...

or something like that.

Then he'll kiss her or something.

What's the matter, Gallagher, hm?

What's the matter?