Original subtitles

GENTLE SNORING

SCRABBLING

Negatus.

Pete, it's three in the mor...

Hello.

I didn't put that there. That's been moved.

Pete, you're being paranoid.

That's what they want you to think.

Do you seriously think a rat came up the stairs, broke into the bathroom cabinet

and tried to make off with your razor?

Why would it? To sculpt its little "downstairs" into the shape of Australia

That was one time, and it was supposed to be a heart.

I suppose you're right. A rat couldn't lift that up, could it?

Good night, Pete.

Yeah, I'm just being ridiculous.

We've got a ghost. Oh, my God...!

'Far, far ago,

'the ancients wrote upon the scrolls

'that dark forces would sweep our realm,

'until only Yonderland remained.

'But they telled also of a saviour, come from a distant world,

'to save us from the shadows,

'which is nice.'

HE YAWNS

HE SNORES

Weirdo.

Good morning, sir. Up bright and early, I see.

Yeah, yeah. Small talk, banter.

Urgh!

CHEWS AND GULPS

Where's the mint?

Thank you.

Agh...

ALARM SOUNDS

Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Oh...

I must warn you, I have demons.

We've all got demons, mate. My wife made me dress up as a... No, I think he means actual demons.

I know!

Look, just take the cash.

The safe combination is 1, 2, 3... You might want to write this down.

Do we look like common thieves to you?

Well... HE does a bit.

Why? Because I don't wear name brands?

Shut up!

My name is Ellis. Ellis of Woolworth.

Ring any bells?

Is this about child maintenance?

No. This is about my beloved twin brother.

We used to be like two peas in a pod,

bedfellows, bunkmates, double trouble, dual fuel...

Yeah, OK, I get it. You were close.

Oh, that's happened. Like boobies in a bra.

And then you killed him

to make way for your champion in the grand tournament.

And now I shall exact my revenge.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You're Philip's brother! Philip of Woolworth!

I didn't kill him. Maddox did.

-Who? -Debbie. Of Maddox.

You know. The Chosen One.

Where have you guys been living? On the moons?

We have been bravely fighting foul foe in the Afarlands.

My page - Marks. My page - Spencer.

It's an unpaid internship. Shut up.

Negatus. I don't have a page.

Though I do have a guy who cleans my helmet, so...

Well, she may have a name that suggests great legs,

but this Debbie shall still taste the bitter sting of my terrible vengeance.

Look, I hate to be frying your ointment here,

but killing this Maddox woman is kind of my job.

I sort of promised the boss that I would...

Noooooo...

Excuse me? These men will eliminate Maddox.

You're staying here, with me.

The time has come to make some changes.

I thought you were just here -to observe. -Not any more.

-Get off! -But it's my turn!

Ow! I told you to leave that!

Go and get your swimming stuff, quick!

Is this you watching them Mm-hm.

Now, according to Derek Acorah's Ghost Facts... Oxymoron.

He is a bit, but his facts are really good.

He reckons most hauntings occur... Aw, Pete! We've been in this house for six years,

and the only terrifying spirit we've encountered is that stuff your dad brought back from Greece.

We absolutely, categorically -do not have a ghost. -OK, OK.

But there is definitely something weird going on in this house.

Take that cupboard. The light is always...

Although...no-one really knows what's going on with the afterlife.

Who am I to say what does and doesn't exist?

Maybe you do get nice, friendly ghosts.

Like Casper, but older. Needing a shave.

-He hit me! -She broke my car!

Ben, we don't hit.

-See? -Er, we don't hit! -Except for muggers. -Thank you!

Oh, look!

Right, no-one's going swimming. What?!

Actually, you know what? Swimming's back on.

Hooray! Come on. Quick, before I change my mind!

What are you doing here?! It's Sunday!

Don't tell me you've forgotten. SHE GASPS

-Oh, God! -How could you forget?!

Maybe 'cause I've got two lives?

And a husband who thinks we've got a ghost because of the mythical creature that lives on my fridge.

-What is a fridge? -A cold cupboard. How did you get that?

-We need to go. -Where are we going? You're not going anywhere.

And stop taking stuff! But I need battery for projector!

No projector, no message.

What about that? Yes! Even better! Give!

Fine, but put it back before Pete comes home. And stay out of sight.

-OK. Shall we go? -Yes.

Oh, two secs. Let me pop in the shed.

She's going to pop, in the shed?!

Nah. She says that but she never does.

What is all this? What's happening?

Oh, no! Fire!

Surprise! Oh, no.

Whilst it is not our usual custom to mark the incremental journey towards death,

Debbie... The Chosen One!

Yes, felt we would be remiss not to celebrate

the fact that Nicholas here is 400 years old!

Don't remind me.

Well, blow them out, then.

-This is nice, isn't it? -Nice?

I've been kidnapped, reminded I'm ancient,

and presented with the burning effigy of a loved one.

But you do get presents. Look!

-What is it? -Wood preserver.

No. I don't go in for all that nonsense.

I'll just grow moss gracefully and...

Ahhh! That is first class!

Happy birthday, stickhead.

-Ow! -Ha-ha-ha!

Splinter?

NEGATUS:'Right. If you want to find Maddox, there's this tavern that's probably your best bet.

'You can't miss Maddox. Leggy, blonde, attractive...

'if you like that sort of thing.'

Mmm!

'Though I should warn you, you'll need all your guile and cunning to capture her.

'She's outsmarted me on several occasions - if you can believe that!'

WIND HOWLS DOOR CREAKS

'Ahem! Anyway, good luck. You'll need it.'

♪ For he's a pretty good stick

♪ For he's a pretty good stick

♪ And so say all of us

♪ And so say all of us

♪ And so say all of us

♪ For he's a pretty good stick... ♪

CHEERING

SWISH OF METAL

I'm tired.

Like a charm.

Look, I'm all for change, but I need this stuff.

This is all vital to the running of an evil dominion.

What even is that?!

-Destroy. -Goodbye, Toby.

Instructions For A Font Of Oris?

It's a security monitor, but it also doubles as a bath,

so in terms of value for money...

Destroy.

Wooh! That can go. Talk about dense!

Keep.

I'm getting the impression I'm not really being listened to right now, yeah?

And if I'm not being listened to, why am I here?

What a good question!

I'll put it in my report.

What report? I'm merely here to inspect.

I'm just a tool. You said it, mate.

Imperatrix herself will decide your fate

based upon the findings of an objective report compiled by me.

And I don't like you.

Oh!

Wow. Well, er... HE CHUCKLES

..that's out there.

Erm... OK.

No, no, no, no. That's cool, that's cool.

I like a man who speaks his brains.

But I warn you, if it comes down to my word against yours,

I've got a whole legion of loyal minions who would back me to the...

Your tea, O grandest of pianos.

You were saying?

Hmmm...

Aha!

-It wakes! -Hmm?

Ah, you're not the only woman to wake up next to this face.

Because I sleep with women.

Philip of Woolworth? But...you're dead.

A confession! Excellent.

But I'm not Philip. I'm Ellis, his twin.

We were like two peas in a pod,

a fat lady's thighs, clickety-clack, two nuts in a sack.

-What do you want? -In a word, your -life. -That's two words, isn't it?

Nobody kills my brother and gets away with it,

no matter how objectively attractive they are.

Looks her up and down, like you do with girls.

But I didn't kill Philip! It was an accident!

HE CHUCKLES

Nice try, you saucy harridan,

but your fate is sealed.

You shall be taken to the Forest of Chronos, where you will learn a new definition of pain and suffering

as I cast you into the Vicious Circle!

My friends know this realm better than any creature alive.

They'll see I've been taken and, mark my words, they won't rest until they have me back!

DRUNKEN SLURRING So he's the drummer, right,

but he's also the singer!

Yeah, well, how does he...? He's got this headset and...

HE GASPS We should go on a road trip!

-What?! -Me and you!

We could go to the Forest of Chronos, see your family tree...

Oh, no. I'm miserable enough as it is.

It'll be fun! Get back to your roots!

HE GIGGLES

That's a tree joke!

Doesn't matter.

Right, come on. Let's leave these squares to it.

What is it with us?

-Your jokes are racist. -Mmm.

DOOR OPENS Right. Go and shower properly or your hair will turn green.

-Yay! No, that's not a good thing!

Hmm?

My liege, we're being followed! My liege, we're being followed!

Are you sure? Are you sure?

I can hear him!

See? You're in trouble now.

While you stand here blabbering, my friends are already planning their attack.

ELF HUMS But you only just went!

Well, I'm going again!

Ah...

Oh, no. Shoe.

So would you like to go back and vanquish the foul foe, sire?

Oh, yes!

As much as I like to kiss ladies.

But, alas, I have to stay here and guard my quarry,

as the Codes of the Cross dictate.

Or we could look after her for you. What, and break the Codes?!

Don't you remember what happened to Alan of Spar when he broke the Code of the Green Cross?

If only he'd listened... and stopped and looked.

Marks and Spencer, find this harpy's cohorts and take them out!

-Make a meal of it. -No, wait...

Too late! Your friends are about to find out

that nobody closes down the Woolworths!

♪ There's my feet

♪ That's your feet... ♪

TIPSY GIGGLING

HE GASPS

There you go. One last wineapple.

You're so lovely!

Not at all. It's been a pleasure taking you out.

Now, you boys have got a tree to find, eh?

Or we could just...not.

No, come on.

Seriously? You're really letting them go?

Spencer, I will not tell you again.

It was a specific order - "Take them out. Make a meal of it."

Yeah, as in "Take them out and bury them in the woods"!

Why on realm would a perfectly reasonable knight

want us to track down the allies of his mortal enemy,

take them to a quiet spot, kill them and... Oh, God!

HE SIGHS

So... I come back? No. That's what "fired" means.

See ya! Ha-ha-ha!

That's the last of the minions, O biggest of bangs.

Strange. There are three more names on my list.

THEY GASP Right.

No. No!

Those snivelling, two-faced little turncoats are the beating heart of this heart operation -

of this operation.

I mean, how am I supposed to run an outpost without any staff?

I don't think that will be your problem much longer.

Behold, the Vicious Circle!

A fate worse than death,

followed by death.

So, very much the worst of both worlds.

No, no, Ellis! Don't do this. You're not your brother.

How dare you?!

We were like two peas in a pod, a couple of swells, a pair of very tight shorts.

But you're better than him. What?!

My sword was the first thing he noticed...after my bum.

But he was a bad man. You're not like him.

Yes, I am. I love bums!

I meant the sword.

You just don't seem like much of a fighter to me.

Why get dumb and dumber to fight your battles for you?

Like I said, the Codes of the Cross dictate that I...

If you want revenge, why not just take it, right now,

instead of throwing me in there?

Come on. When was the last time you actually killed anything?

I mean you personally.

Ho-ho. Nice try, Maddox.

I would say, "Better luck next time," but there's not gonna be one.

SHE SCREAMS Now go on, get stuck in!

HE LAUGHS

SHE GASPS

SINISTER CREATURE CALLS

Fresh meat! THEY CACKLE

That's taught you, hasn't it, Maddox!

If there's one man around here who likes killing, it's yours truly!

GAGGING Oh, no... Oh, no...!

HE GASPS Oh!

Oh! I'm so sorry!

I... I can't feel my stem.

Look, it was an accident!

I never meant to... Just tell my cuttings I love them.

No! No, not like this!

FLOWER WHIMPERS

I haven't killed anything in four years.

I'm not about to start again now.

Please, just live.

Live!!!

Oooh! Someone's put on a few pounds!

-What? -Still haven't lost that baby weight, have you?

I've been busy! Not busy buying clothes, clearly!

THEY CACKLE Who did your hair? Vidal Baboon?

THEY CACKLE Get him to shave your top lip!

Who'd you inherit your moustache from? Your dad?

THEY CACKLE

I don't know. I was adopted.

SUDDEN SILENCE

-Sorry about that. -Yeah.

She's got weird feet! THEY CACKLE

Seriously? I survived year 10 with Gabby Parker. This is a piece of cake.

Oh, you'll crumble soon enough, angel.

They all do!

THEY CACKLE

-You can tell him. -No, you tell him. That's an order, or you're fired!

Then I resign. No! I order you to unresign!

Erm...

My liege... Erm... His liege.

About this whole taking-them-out thing,

well, it got a bit messy.

No.

-What have you done?! -We...

I... Erm, I messed up.

Long story short, we didn't kill them.

Why, you little...

beauties!

Mwah!

Debbie was right. We're not killers!

We're useless at this!

FAINT SHRIEK

I couldn't even pull a petal off a fl...

Debbie.

Here. Take this.

Whatever you do, don't let it die!

HE RUNS OFF

So where's your babies? Yeah! Why aren't you at home?

Shut up. Don't you dare tell me... Ooh! Now we're getting somewhere!

Shall we take a closer look, ladies?

SNARLING

No, you shan't!

-Ellis! -Agh!

Debbie, you were right. I was just pretending to be someone I'm not.

I was trapped, and now I...

Oh. How ironic.

He could do better!

That's not the husband. You filthy slapper!

Some rescue

I think we've established that I'm a pretty useless knight.

All I used to do was try to be brave - which is a lie -

and flirt with girls - which is a...

-That's it! -What's what?

They're bullies! They want us to hate them! To hate ourselves!

This whole place, it feeds on hate!

So what do we do? The last thing they're expecting.

We show them some love. Oh, yes. Ha-ha!

You've come to the brother of the right guy.

Excuse me! You in the middle!

-Me? -Tell me, did it hurt?

What are you on about? When you fell from the heavens.

-Ooh! -Oh! THEY GIGGLE

And...did you lose your rosette?

-What rosette? -I'm assuming you just won a beauty competition.

THEY GASP AND WHOOP

Do me! Do me! Chance would be a fine thing!

THEY SQUEAL WITH DELIGHT We did it!

I'm gonna ring that fella I know!

We did it.

And as for you, I'd like to run you a hot bath and...

Ellis...

Sorry. Force of habit.

TIPSY VOICE ♪ And so the elves went fiddle-di-diddle-di-di! ♪

Well, here we are.

My family tree!

Let me see. I can take it.

Oh, mate, I'm so sorry.

I know there's nothing I can say but...

Ha...ha...ha...ha...ha...ha...

Nick, are you all right? NICK LAUGHS

I'm better than all right.

I just counted the rings.

I'm only 399!

THEY BOTH LAUGH

I'll drink to that!

MIMICS FRANK SPENCER Oh, Betty! What are you doing here?

You are terrible friends.

What? HE HICCUPS

Oh...

So you're saying we've got a poltergeist...who fixes toys?

Well, not just toys.

What about the spoons? And the TV?

So it's a bit playful. At least it's helping out around the place.

It could be one of those evil spirits that goes around smashing things up.

CRASH

And personal hygiene issues aside,

it is quite clear to me that Negatus is unfit to hold command

and, in my opinion, should be relieved of his duty immediately.

That should cover it.

Unless, of course, you have something to add.

Well? Do you?

Boy?

Well, just popping in to say good...

I may have made a small tactical error.

Subtitles by Ericsson

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