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1
00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:03,971
JOE, YOU'RE GOING TO SEE
YOUR FIRST SNOW.
2
00:00:04,003 --> 00:00:07,375
IT'S SO EXCITING!
I CAN'T WAIT
TO MAKE A SNOW PERSON!
3
00:00:07,408 --> 00:00:08,541
"PERSON"?
4
00:00:08,576 --> 00:00:10,644
WE GOT TO GET HIM
OUT OF THAT HIPPIE SCHOOL.
5
00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:11,811
I DON'T KNOW, JAY.
6
00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:14,182
LAST REPORT CARD,
HE GOT STRAIGHT DOLPHINS.
7
00:00:14,214 --> 00:00:16,917
CHRISTMAS IN COLOMBIA
WAS ALWAYS HOT AND LOUD,
8
00:00:16,949 --> 00:00:19,986
PEOPLE ARGUING,
BETRAYAL, SCHEMES.
9
00:00:20,019 --> 00:00:22,823
SO I RENTED A MOUNTAIN CABIN
FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY
10
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,559
TO CELEBRATE MY FIRST CHRISTMAS
AS AN AMERICAN.
11
00:00:25,593 --> 00:00:27,527
I WANT A WHITE CHRISTMAS,
12
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:30,498
YOU KNOW,
LIKE WHITE PEOPLE HAVE.
13
00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:32,332
HEY, WANT TO HIT
THE PIPE ONE MORE TIME
14
00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:33,600
BEFORE
WE GET ON THE ROAD?
15
00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:35,335
UM, YEAH.
COULDN'T HURT.
16
00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:37,070
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
[ NOTE PLAYS ]
17
00:00:37,104 --> 00:00:40,006
Both: * SILENT NIGHT
18
00:00:40,039 --> 00:00:42,109
* HOLY NIGHT
19
00:00:42,143 --> 00:00:43,543
OH, MY GOD,
WE ARE KILLING IT!
20
00:00:43,576 --> 00:00:46,414
LAST CHRISTMAS, MITCHELL AND I
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN
21
00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:48,781
TO SING A LITTLE CHRISTMAS CAROL
FOR THE FAMILY.
22
00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,618
[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
UNFORTUNATELY, IT DIDN'T GO
23
00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:54,621
SO WELL BECAUSE SOMEBODY HAD
A LITTLE TOO MUCH TO DRINK.
24
00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:58,192
STOP DOING THAT.
I WAS NERVOUS.
25
00:00:58,225 --> 00:01:00,860
Both:
* 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY
26
00:01:00,893 --> 00:01:03,530
* FA LA-LA, LA-LA,
LA-LA, LA, LA *
27
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:06,367
* DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPAREL
28
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:08,034
* FA LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA
29
00:01:08,067 --> 00:01:09,036
[ THUD ]
MITCHELL?
30
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:10,204
[ GROANS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
31
00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:12,873
THE FAMILY HAS BEEN MOCKING US
RELENTLESSLY ALL YEAR.
32
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:14,807
NICKNAMES
LIKE SCREECHES & HERB,
33
00:01:14,841 --> 00:01:17,111
SIMON & GOD-AWFUL,
NICKELBACK.
34
00:01:17,144 --> 00:01:18,978
BUT WE'RE GONNA
REDEEM OURSELVES THIS YEAR.
35
00:01:19,012 --> 00:01:21,248
WE HAVE BEEN REHEARSING
OUR NEW NUMBER FOR MONTHS,
36
00:01:21,281 --> 00:01:23,716
AND WE WILL DEBUT IT
AT THE CABIN
37
00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:26,653
AS A SPECIAL HOLIDAY "SCREW YOU"
TO THE FAMILY.
38
00:01:26,686 --> 00:01:28,322
HEY, MARTY, LISTEN,
39
00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:31,125
IT'S YOUR HOTEL,
BUT A WALNUT CLOSET
40
00:01:31,158 --> 00:01:33,227
IS A PLACE YOUR GUESTS WANT
TO HANG THEIR CLOTHES.
41
00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:35,795
A PARTICLEBOARD CLOSET --
THEY WANT TO HANG THEMSELVES.
42
00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:38,132
ALL THIS CLOSET STUFF
IS DRIVING ME NUTS.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
43
00:01:38,165 --> 00:01:39,500
I WANT TO GET ANNOYED,
44
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,301
BUT IT'S HARD WHEN I FEEL
THIS COMFORTABLE.
45
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:43,337
OH, GOD, HE'S GONNA TALK ABOUT
HIS NEW COAT AGAIN.
46
00:01:43,371 --> 00:01:46,073
IT'S LIKE GETTING A BIG,
WARM HUG FROM A MAMA SHEEP.
47
00:01:46,105 --> 00:01:47,974
NOTHING FEELS
LIKE PURE SHEEPSKIN.
48
00:01:48,008 --> 00:01:49,310
THE GAL AT THE STORE SAID
49
00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:51,179
I LOOKED
LIKE KRIS KRISTOFFERSON.
50
00:01:51,212 --> 00:01:52,513
WE DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS.
51
00:01:52,545 --> 00:01:54,114
[ SCOFFS ] I HAVE
SO MUCH LAB HOMEWORK
52
00:01:54,147 --> 00:01:55,682
TO GET DONE
DURING THIS BREAK.
53
00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:57,151
IF IT WERE UP TO ME,
54
00:01:57,185 --> 00:01:59,587
CHRISTMAS WOULDN'T
EVEN COME THIS YEAR.
55
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,921
ANY CHANCE YOU COULD SOUND MORE
LIKE A CARTOON VILLAIN?
56
00:02:01,954 --> 00:02:05,459
COME ON, ALEX, IT'S THREE
SOLID DAYS OF WINTER FUN.
57
00:02:05,492 --> 00:02:07,427
WE'RE GONNA GO SLEDDING,
SKATING,
58
00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:09,263
ICE-FISHING,
MAKE SNOW ANGELS.
59
00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:11,664
WHO'S WITH ME?!
[ Chanting ] SNOW, SNOW!
60
00:02:11,699 --> 00:02:15,603
Together:
[ Chanting ] SNOW, SNOW, SNOW,
SNOW, SNOW, SNOW, SNOW!
61
00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:17,271
SNOW?
62
00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:18,872
NO, THAT'S A LEAF.
63
00:02:18,906 --> 00:02:20,441
IT'S HOTTER HERE
THAN AT HOME.
64
00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:21,974
GLORIA,
IN YOUR LITTLE DAILY E-MAILS,
65
00:02:22,009 --> 00:02:23,311
YOU SAID
IT WAS GONNA BE COLD.
66
00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:24,777
THAT'S WHAT MY PHONE SAID.
67
00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:26,947
-YOU'RE ON CELSIUS.
-OH.
68
00:02:26,979 --> 00:02:29,616
IT'S GOING TO BE HOT,
GUYS!
69
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:32,652
-- Captions by VITAC --
70
00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:40,760
**
71
00:02:42,094 --> 00:02:44,564
OH, IS THE FURNACE ON?!
72
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:45,899
PHIL,
TAKE OFF THAT JACKET.
73
00:02:45,932 --> 00:02:47,800
YOU'RE MAKING ME HOT
JUST LOOKING AT YOU.
74
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,569
SALESLADY SAID
THAT WOULD HAPPEN.
75
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,572
TRUST ME, I'M COOL AS CUCUMBER.
76
00:02:51,604 --> 00:02:54,307
SOMETHING ABOUT THE COAT
JUST KNOWS WHAT MY BODY NEEDS.
77
00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:55,975
YOU'RE SWEATING
LIKE A HEROIN ADDICT.
78
00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:58,978
OH, HEY, LOOK, A PIANO.
79
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:01,681
MAYBE WE CAN GET A LITTLE SONG
FROM THE CRAPENTERS.
80
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:06,586
-HEY.
-BE COOL.
81
00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:07,987
ANDY'S FIANCéE, BETH,
HAS TO WORK,
82
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,356
SO GLORIA INVITED HIM
FOR CHRISTMAS,
83
00:03:09,389 --> 00:03:11,259
WHICH [INHALES SHARPLY]
IS COMPLICATED
84
00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:13,926
BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN HAVING SEX
AND NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT IT.
85
00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:16,163
I MEAN, WE KNOW.
86
00:03:16,195 --> 00:03:17,897
MY FAMILY
CANNOT FIND OUT ABOUT US.
87
00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:19,500
I'M CERTAINLY NOT
GONNA TELL THEM.
88
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:20,901
I STILL HAVE
THEIR RESPECT.
89
00:03:20,933 --> 00:03:23,503
ANDY, CHOP-CHOP.
JOE'S MAKING HIS BATHROOM FACE.
90
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:25,838
ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST GO HOME.
I MEAN, IT'S HOT.
91
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:28,841
THERE'S NO WI-FI.
-ALEX, STOP BEING THE GRINCH.
92
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:32,413
IF THAT IS THE WORST PROBLEM,
THEN MERRY CHRISTMAS.
93
00:03:32,445 --> 00:03:34,180
OH, THANK GOD YOU MADE IT!
94
00:03:34,213 --> 00:03:37,950
I THOUGHT YOU'D GOTTEN
INTO A HORRIBLE CAR ACCIDENT!
95
00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:39,420
WAIT A SECOND.
96
00:03:39,453 --> 00:03:42,555
YOU'RE NOT TRIP, TAD, LOIS,
DARCY, AND MARLENE.
97
00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:44,758
-NO, WE'RE OTHER NAMES.
-WHO ARE YOU?
98
00:03:44,792 --> 00:03:46,192
FIG WILSON.
99
00:03:46,225 --> 00:03:48,562
MY FAMILY'S BEEN COMING HERE
FOR THE HOLIDAYS FOR YEARS.
100
00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,563
WE RENTED THIS CABIN
FROM THE WILSONS.
101
00:03:50,598 --> 00:03:52,865
THEY ARE IN HAWAII.
-NOBODY TOLD ME THAT.
102
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:55,368
OKAY, WELL, BYE-BYE.
103
00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:56,969
HOW COULD THEY ABANDON ME?
104
00:03:57,003 --> 00:03:59,139
UH, I'M THE MOST CARING ONE
IN THE FAMILY.
105
00:03:59,171 --> 00:04:01,040
I WARN THEM ABOUT CANCER.
106
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:04,312
I BUY THEIR FAT KIDS CLOTHES
IN ASPIRATIONAL SIZES.
107
00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:07,046
I INVITE THEM ALL
TO MY DOGS' FUNERALS.
108
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,216
LAST ONE RAN STRAIGHT
INTO TRAFFIC.
109
00:04:09,248 --> 00:04:10,550
I CAN SEE THAT.
110
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:12,286
IS IT POSSIBLE
THE INVITATION GOT LOST?
111
00:04:12,319 --> 00:04:14,822
I MEAN...
YOU SEEM GREAT.
112
00:04:14,854 --> 00:04:18,826
WELL, I GUESS I'LL JUST GET
MY BAGS AND WALK DOWN THE HILL.
113
00:04:18,858 --> 00:04:21,995
HOPEFULLY, I'LL GET TO THE
BUS STATION BEFORE NIGHTFALL.
114
00:04:22,028 --> 00:04:24,230
IT'S WOLF SEASON.
115
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,399
WHY DON'T YOU STAY HERE
WITH US?
116
00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:28,067
IT'S CHRISTMAS.
117
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:29,769
OH.
118
00:04:29,802 --> 00:04:31,071
FIRST TIME I SAW YOU,
119
00:04:31,103 --> 00:04:33,139
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA BE A PAIN IN THE ASS,
120
00:04:33,173 --> 00:04:36,076
BUT IT TURNS OUT
YOU'RE MY FAVORITE.
121
00:04:36,108 --> 00:04:37,276
[ CHUCKLES ]
122
00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:42,249
[ DOOR RATTLING ]
123
00:04:42,281 --> 00:04:44,084
WHAT DO YOU THINK'S
IN HERE?
124
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,987
NO ONE TOLD YOU THE LEGEND
OF THE FORGOTTEN BOY?
125
00:04:47,019 --> 00:04:50,257
HAPPENED RIGHT HERE
100 YEARS AGO.
126
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,360
A BOY WAS VERY BAD,
127
00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:55,629
AND HIS PARENTS LOCKED HIM
IN THIS SECRET ROOM
128
00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:57,497
AND LEFT HIM HERE
FOREVER.
129
00:04:57,531 --> 00:04:59,199
THEY SAY AT NIGHT,
YOU CAN HEAR HIM
130
00:04:59,231 --> 00:05:01,033
TRYING
TO SCRATCH HIS WAY OUT.
131
00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:02,435
[ SCRATCHING ]
132
00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:04,004
WE GOT HER.
133
00:05:04,036 --> 00:05:06,774
[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]
IDIOTS.
134
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,675
THAT WAS YOU SCRATCHING,
RIGHT?
135
00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:11,444
-OH.
-OH, SORRY.
136
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,480
-NO, YOU GO.
-NO, IT'S OKAY. AFTER YOU.
137
00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:15,382
HERE, I'LL JUST...
138
00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:18,018
OH, WHY DON'T I GO...
139
00:05:18,050 --> 00:05:20,853
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING --
HAVING A STARING CONTEST?
140
00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:21,954
I GOT WINNERS!
141
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:24,190
LATER, THOUGH.
COME HERE.
142
00:05:24,223 --> 00:05:25,826
ANDY...
143
00:05:25,858 --> 00:05:27,528
I'VE GOT A VERY SPECIAL
PRESENT FOR YOU.
144
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,329
DID THIS GUY TELL YOU HE PASSED
HIS REAL-ESTATE-LICENSE TEST?
145
00:05:30,363 --> 00:05:31,564
I KNOW.
I HELPED HIM CRAM.
146
00:05:31,598 --> 00:05:34,067
AH, SHE'S REALLY
DRILLING ME PRETTY HARD.
COOL.
147
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:36,235
LISTEN, WHEN I FIRST
GOT INTO REAL ESTATE,
148
00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:38,372
I WORKED AT ONE OF THOSE
BIG FIRMS WITH THE BLAZERS.
149
00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:39,840
I'D RATHER
NOT SAY THEIR NAME,
150
00:05:39,872 --> 00:05:41,709
BUT IT RHYMED WITH
"CENTURY NOT VERY FUN."
151
00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:44,711
ANYWAY, I SAVED THIS.
152
00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:46,547
I'D LIKE FOR YOU
TO HAVE IT.
153
00:05:46,579 --> 00:05:47,848
WOW.
[ CHUCKLES ]
154
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:50,683
WHEN YOU WEAR IT, REMEMBER
THE VALUES OF OUR PROFESSION --
155
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:54,021
TRUST, HONOR, INTEGRITY,
FIDELITY, AND PURITY.
156
00:05:54,053 --> 00:05:55,389
[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
157
00:05:55,423 --> 00:05:57,356
ARE YOU WORTHY
OF THE BLAZER, ANDY?
158
00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:58,658
-[ SIGHS ]
-I WANT TO BE.
159
00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,860
I DIDN'T EXPECT IT
TO HIT THIS HARD.
160
00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:01,928
ME EITHER.
161
00:06:01,961 --> 00:06:03,730
[ CRYING ]
162
00:06:03,764 --> 00:06:06,033
WHO WANTS EGGNOG?
163
00:06:06,065 --> 00:06:07,100
I'LL TAKE SOME.
164
00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:08,701
I HAD A TOUGH WEEK
AT WORK.
165
00:06:08,735 --> 00:06:11,504
WHAT DO YOU DO?
OH, MY DAD AND I ARE
IN THE CLOSET BUSINESS.
166
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:14,374
I'M SORRY, IT ALMOST
SOUNDED LIKE YOU SAID,
"CLOSET BUSINESS."
167
00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:17,745
I DID -- RESIDENTIAL AND
HOSPITALITY STORAGE SOLUTIONS.
168
00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:19,211
YIKES.
169
00:06:19,245 --> 00:06:21,548
[ SIGHS ] HEY, SPECKS,
I'M DYING OVER THERE.
170
00:06:21,581 --> 00:06:22,582
WHAT ARE YOU READING?
171
00:06:22,615 --> 00:06:24,084
SCIENCE STUFF.
I'M SURE IT'LL BORE YOU.
172
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:26,252
I TEACH ASTROPHYSICS
AT M.I.T.
173
00:06:26,286 --> 00:06:27,620
WAIT A MINUTE.
174
00:06:27,654 --> 00:06:29,589
ARE YOU F.N. WILSON?
-F-N RIGHT, I AM!
175
00:06:29,622 --> 00:06:31,223
WE JUST READ YOUR ESSAY
ON HOW SOLAR FLARES
176
00:06:31,257 --> 00:06:32,725
WILL WIPE OUT LIFE
ON EARTH!
177
00:06:32,759 --> 00:06:35,095
HOPEFULLY BEFORE CLOSET LADY
CORNERS ME AGAIN.
[ CHUCKLES ]
178
00:06:35,127 --> 00:06:36,863
HEY, HEY,
EVERYBODY'S HERE,
179
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:39,632
SO LET'S JUST CASUALLY
MAKE OUR WAY OVER TO THE PIANO.
OKAY, OKAY.
180
00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:41,367
OOH, WHAT ARE WE DRINKING THERE,
MISS SCARLET?
181
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,704
RELAX. IT'S HOT TEA
FOR MY THROAT.
182
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,572
OH, WE SHOULD
HAVE LILY FILM US.
183
00:06:45,605 --> 00:06:47,206
-OH, YEAH.
-HEY, LILY, COME HERE.
184
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,776
OKAY, SO, DADDY AND I ARE ABOUT
TO SING A CHRISTMAS SONG, AND --
185
00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:51,278
-I'M GONNA STOP YOU RIGHT THERE.
-NO, NO.
186
00:06:51,310 --> 00:06:52,579
NO, IT'S NOT GONNA BE
LIKE LAST YEAR
187
00:06:52,612 --> 00:06:55,915
BECAUSE WE'RE PREPARED AND
WE'RE SINGING "SILENT NIGHT."
188
00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,951
THAT'S MY FAVORITE.
CAN I SING WITH YOU?
189
00:06:57,985 --> 00:06:59,620
Both: * UM
190
00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:01,053
AAAAAAH!
191
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:02,622
Both: OH.
192
00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:05,559
[ GLASS CLINKING ]
CAN I HAVE
EVERYONE'S ATTENTION, PLEASE?
193
00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:09,062
I FEEL SO LUCKY
CELEBRATING
194
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:11,564
WITH THE BEST DAMN FAMILY
ANY MAN COULD HOPE FOR.
195
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:12,899
-AWW!
-DAD.
196
00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:14,968
-AND FIG.
-HEY, ALL!
197
00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:17,605
GLORIA AND I HAVE BEEN TALKING
ABOUT THIS FOR A WHILE.
198
00:07:17,637 --> 00:07:20,439
WHAT WITH JOE GETTING OLDER,
I FEEL IT'S JUST THE RIGHT TIME
199
00:07:20,473 --> 00:07:23,442
TO START A NEW CHAPTER,
WHICH IS WHY I'VE DECIDED...
200
00:07:23,476 --> 00:07:24,444
TO RETIRE.
201
00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:25,913
-OH, MY.
-WHAT?!
202
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,581
[ ALL MURMURING ]
MAYBE "RETIRED"
IS THE WRONG WORD --
203
00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:28,848
MORE OF A TRANSITION.
204
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:31,084
SO, WHEN PEOPLE ASK,
"WHERE'S JAY PRITCHETT?"
205
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:32,752
YOU TELL THEM,
"HE'S TRANSITIONING."
206
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,754
-MM.
-OKAY, I HEARD IT, TOO.
207
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,590
LET'S GO BACK TO RETIRING.
208
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:38,290
HEY, WE CAN FINALLY
RENT THAT R.V.
209
00:07:38,324 --> 00:07:40,127
AND VISIT ALL
OF THE MAJOR LEAGUE BALLPARKS.
210
00:07:40,159 --> 00:07:41,629
YOU CAN PROBABLY GO AHEAD
AND DO THAT ALONE.
211
00:07:41,661 --> 00:07:44,096
UH, ANYWAY,
I HAD TO ASK MYSELF,
212
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:46,298
"WHO'S THE BEST PERSON
TO LEAD THE COMPANY?"
213
00:07:46,332 --> 00:07:49,201
AND THE ANSWER IS OBVIOUS.
214
00:07:49,235 --> 00:07:51,103
CHUCK FEENY.
-WHO?
215
00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:54,040
GUTTERS AND SCREEN HOT SHOT
OUT OF CHICAGO.
216
00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:56,375
WITH HIM IN CHARGE,
WE CAN ALL RELAX
217
00:07:56,408 --> 00:07:59,278
KNOWING THAT THE COMPANY
IS IN GOOD HANDS.
218
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:00,980
CLAIRE GETS A GREAT NEW BOSS.
-MM-HMM.
219
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:03,283
AND YOU ALL GET TO SPEND
MORE TIME WITH YOURS TRULY.
220
00:08:03,315 --> 00:08:05,952
-UH...
-WELL, TO THIS ONE'S NEW BOSS.
221
00:08:05,985 --> 00:08:07,187
UH...
222
00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:08,622
CLAIRE,
THAT'S MY GESTURING HAND.
223
00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:10,023
I NEED IT FOR WORK.
224
00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:16,295
I WORK 60-HOUR WEEKS
SO CHUCK FEENY CAN HAVE
225
00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:17,997
THE CORNER OFFICE AND
THE BEST TABLE AT CLOSET CON!
226
00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:19,132
HONEY,
YOU NEED TO SLOW DOWN.
227
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:20,399
THIS COAT
ISN'T QUITE BROKEN IN YET.
228
00:08:20,432 --> 00:08:23,336
LISTEN, YOU HAVE
EVERY RIGHT TO BE MAD.
229
00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:25,338
EVERYONE KNOWS
YOU DESERVE THAT JOB.
230
00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:27,374
AND TO THINK
OF ALL THE WEEKENDS I WORKED
231
00:08:27,406 --> 00:08:29,643
AND THE -- THE FAMILY VACATIONS
WE'VE PUT OFF,
232
00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:32,044
NOT TO MENTION THE STRESS
AND THE INSOMNIA AND --
233
00:08:32,078 --> 00:08:34,014
-COME HERE.
-[ SIGHS ]
234
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:37,650
MM.
CLAIRE, LIFE'S LIKE
A MOUNTAIN ROAD...
235
00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:40,587
WITH A NEW ADVENTURE
AROUND EVERY CORNER.
236
00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:43,056
IF THAT'S THE SLOGAN FOR THIS
STUPID COAT, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
237
00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:44,356
Shh! GET IN HERE.
238
00:08:44,390 --> 00:08:46,693
[ SIGHS ]
239
00:08:46,726 --> 00:08:48,761
-HAVE YOU SEEN CLAIRE?
-NO.
240
00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:51,831
I TOLD YOU THIS CHUCK FEENY
THING WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA!
241
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,200
IT'S A BRILLIANT IDEA.
242
00:08:53,232 --> 00:08:54,500
THERE IS NO CHUCK FEENY.
243
00:08:54,533 --> 00:08:57,037
I MADE HIM UP BECAUSE
OF WHAT HAPPENED TO DON McSORLEY
244
00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:59,239
WHEN HE TURNED HIS COMPANY
OVER TO HIS SON.
245
00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:02,341
SON ONLY TOOK THE JOB
BECAUSE HE FELT OBLIGATED.
246
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:04,745
ONE YEAR LATER,
BUSINESS WENT BANKRUPT.
247
00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:08,615
BROKE MY HEART TO BUY HIS ENTIRE
INVENTORY 8 CENTS ON THE DOLLAR.
248
00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:09,850
[ CHUCKLES ]
249
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,018
I'M DOING THIS FOR CLAIRE.
250
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,686
SHE'D DO ANYTHING
TO MAKE ME HAPPY,
251
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,922
AND THAT'S NOT WHY
I WANT HER TO TAKE THE JOB.
252
00:09:14,955 --> 00:09:16,690
IF SHE WANTS IT,
SHE'LL FIGHT FOR IT.
253
00:09:16,724 --> 00:09:18,357
IF NOT, I JUST GAVE HER
AN EASY OUT.
254
00:09:18,390 --> 00:09:20,427
I CAN THINK
OF 10 BETTER WAYS TO DO THIS.
255
00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:21,961
RELAX.
IT'S GONNA BE PERFECT.
256
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:23,897
SHE'LL COME TO ME,
DEMAND WHAT'S HERS.
257
00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:26,365
I'LL TELL HER THE TRUTH,
BIG HUG, PERFECT CHRISTMAS.
258
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,368
I'M A GENIUS.
-YOU'RE A CRAZY PERSON.
259
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:31,038
IN MY VILLAGE, WE WILL TIE
A TIN CAN AROUND YOUR NECK
260
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,371
TO KNOW
WHEN YOU'RE COMING.
261
00:09:32,404 --> 00:09:33,440
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
262
00:09:33,472 --> 00:09:35,042
[ NOTE PLAYS ]
263
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:38,544
Both: * SILENT NIGHT
264
00:09:38,577 --> 00:09:42,215
* HOLY NIGHT
265
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:45,451
* ALL IS CALM
266
00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:49,221
* ALL IS BRIGHT
267
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:54,461
[ Gratingly ] * 'ROUND YON
VIRGIN MOTHER AND CHILD! *
268
00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:55,895
OKAY, HEY, HEY,
I HAVE A FUN IDEA!
269
00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:58,465
WHY DON'T WE GIVE LILY ONE
OF HER PRESENTS RIGHT NOW?
270
00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:00,833
-OOH, THAT IS A FUN IDEA, DADDY.
-YEAH.
271
00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:02,469
THEN SHE CAN GO PLAY
WITH A TOY
272
00:10:02,501 --> 00:10:05,004
RATHER THAN BEING
WITH US BORING, OLD ADULTS.
MM.
273
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,405
HOW'S THAT SOUND, LILY?
274
00:10:06,438 --> 00:10:08,607
I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE UP
TO SOMETHING, BUT I DON'T CARE.
275
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:10,677
I WANT A PRESENT.
I'LL TAKE THE BIKE-SHAPED ONE.
276
00:10:10,711 --> 00:10:12,846
NICE WRAPPING JOB,
BY THE WAY.
277
00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:14,246
UH, WASN'T THAT FOR JOE?
278
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,750
-WELL, JOE'S GETTING A DOLL NOW.
-ALL RIGHT.
279
00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:18,250
[ DOOR OPENS ]
280
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:19,251
OH, HEY.
281
00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:20,754
HEY.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
282
00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:22,956
GLORIA ASKED ME
TO GET SOME KINDLING.
MM.
283
00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:25,524
WHY ARE YOU WALKING AROUND
WEARING NEXT TO NOTHING?
284
00:10:25,557 --> 00:10:27,027
IT'S 26 CELSIUS
OUT THERE.
285
00:10:27,059 --> 00:10:28,260
AH, I'M NOT SHOWING
ANY SKIN
286
00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:29,663
'CAUSE I DON'T WANT
TO TEMPT YOU.
287
00:10:29,697 --> 00:10:31,431
OH, WELL, YOUR GOLD BLAZER
TOOK CARE OF THAT.
288
00:10:31,463 --> 00:10:33,500
-YOU KNOW YOU'RE INTO IT.
-I KNOW. WHY?
289
00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:35,434
DAMN YOU
AND THAT EAGLE SCOUT SMILE.
290
00:10:35,467 --> 00:10:37,604
I WANT TO TAKE A SWIM
IN THOSE BIG DOE EYES.
291
00:10:37,636 --> 00:10:39,038
THIS IS HAPPENING.
292
00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:40,039
-[ SIGHS ]
-MM-HMM.
293
00:10:40,072 --> 00:10:41,841
-GETTING WOOD, ANDY?
-WHAT?!
294
00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:44,443
MM.
CAN YOU BELIEVE GLORIA
WANTS A TRADITIONAL FIRE?
295
00:10:44,476 --> 00:10:45,946
AS IF IT ISN'T HOT ENOUGH
IN HERE.
296
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,279
-MM.
-COME ON, BRO.
297
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:48,816
OKAY.
298
00:10:56,588 --> 00:10:57,890
Both: HELLO, LILY.
299
00:10:57,924 --> 00:10:59,225
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
300
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:01,061
MOM MADE US PUT ON
OUR CHRISTMAS SWEATERS,
301
00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:02,361
BUT LOOK WHAT WE FOUND.
302
00:11:02,394 --> 00:11:03,429
IT'S A NOTE.
303
00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:09,302
"I'M HUNGRY FOR THE BLOOD
OF A LITTLE GIRL.
304
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,403
SIGNED,
THE FORGOTTEN BOY."
305
00:11:11,437 --> 00:11:12,972
THIS IS TERRIFYING.
306
00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:14,341
IT'S GETTING REAL.
307
00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:17,543
THE SCARIEST THING IS THAT
HE SPELLS LIKE A 2-YEAR-OLD.
308
00:11:17,576 --> 00:11:20,679
WAIT, WHAT?
309
00:11:20,713 --> 00:11:23,182
DUDE.
310
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:24,484
CHRISTMAS, HUH?
311
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,352
WHO THE HELL CAME UP
WITH THIS ONE?
312
00:11:26,385 --> 00:11:27,888
IT WAS
EMPEROR CONSTANTINE.
313
00:11:27,921 --> 00:11:29,188
I LOVE IT!
314
00:11:29,221 --> 00:11:32,024
IT'S NOT EASY BEING THE SMARTEST
PERSON IN THE ROOM.
315
00:11:32,058 --> 00:11:34,161
MY SISTER THINKS QUANTUM THEORY
IS A GAME SHOW,
316
00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:35,261
AND MY BROTHER ONCE TRIED
317
00:11:35,294 --> 00:11:36,897
TO TAKE HIS PANTS OFF
OVER HIS HEAD.
318
00:11:36,929 --> 00:11:39,499
GALS LIKE US, WE SEE THROUGH
ALL THE FAMILY B.S.
319
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,533
WE CALL IT
LIKE WE SEE IT.
320
00:11:41,567 --> 00:11:43,403
SO, IF WE'RE ALONE
FOR CHRISTMAS
321
00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:45,838
AND BIRTHDAYS AND WEEKENDS,
IT'S THEIR LOSS.
322
00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:49,076
GALS LIKE US [BREATHES HEAVILY]
WE DON'T NEED ANYONE.
323
00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:51,443
I'M NOT BIG ON MYSTICISM,
BUT, CLEARLY,
324
00:11:51,477 --> 00:11:53,446
THIS WOMAN WAS
MY GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE.
325
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:56,015
SO, I DECIDED
TO TURN THINGS AROUND
326
00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:58,518
AND JUMP IN
ON THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT.
327
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:00,386
JUMP ABOARD THE FUN TRAIN!
328
00:12:00,419 --> 00:12:02,054
WHOO, WHOO!
329
00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:05,357
THAT WAS A TRAIN.
330
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:06,960
SOMETHING SMELLS GOOD!
331
00:12:06,994 --> 00:12:08,461
WHAT?
WHAT DOESN'T SMELL GOOD?
332
00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:10,129
NO, I-I SAID IT DID.
333
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:12,099
I AM CONFUSED!
WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DON'T LIKE?!
334
00:12:12,131 --> 00:12:14,634
I'M JUST EXCITED FOR DINNER.
I LOVE YOU GUYS.
335
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:16,635
OH, DON'T BE NASTY.
WE'RE TRYING OUR BEST.
336
00:12:16,668 --> 00:12:17,736
YES!
337
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:23,243
HEY, LOOK WHAT I FOUND --
A KEY TO THAT SECRET ROOM.
338
00:12:23,275 --> 00:12:24,411
MY ENTIRE FAMILY IS HERE.
339
00:12:24,443 --> 00:12:26,413
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW DANGEROUS THAT IS?
340
00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:27,815
MEET ME IN TWO MINUTES.
341
00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:31,418
THERE SHE IS.
342
00:12:31,451 --> 00:12:33,552
HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE
MY BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.
343
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:34,721
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
344
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,755
I THINK THAT I GAVE MY ALL
TO THIS COMPANY
345
00:12:36,789 --> 00:12:39,158
AND THAT IF YOU WERE GONNA
HAND OVER THE REINS TO SOMEBODY,
346
00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:42,062
IT SHOULD BE ME
AND NOT SOME HUMP FROM CHICAGO!
347
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,730
WELL, IT JUST SO HAPPENS --
348
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,231
I'M NOT FINISHED, DAD!
349
00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:46,933
THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME
350
00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:49,068
FROM WASTING THE NEXT 20 YEARS
OF MY LIFE
351
00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:52,639
TALKING ABOUT SLATS,
RODS, AND HINGES --
352
00:12:52,672 --> 00:12:54,341
FROM BECOMING
THE MOST BORING PERSON
353
00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:56,609
IN THE MOST BORING INDUSTRY
ON EARTH!
354
00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:57,845
-"BORING"?!
-BORING!
355
00:12:57,878 --> 00:13:01,514
CLOSETS BRING ORDER
TO A CHAOTIC WORLD!
356
00:13:01,548 --> 00:13:03,482
-WHAT HAPPENED?
-I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.
357
00:13:03,515 --> 00:13:05,251
I RAISED A MEAN,
UNGRATEFUL DAUGHTER,
358
00:13:05,284 --> 00:13:07,254
AND I'M GLAD I GAVE THE BUSINESS
TO CHUCK FEENY!
359
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,422
THERE IS NO CHUCK FEENY!
360
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:11,624
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
361
00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:16,996
[ THUD ]
362
00:13:17,029 --> 00:13:19,932
[ INDISTINCT WHISPERING ]
363
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:21,768
MANNY, LUKE, KNOCK IT OFF!
364
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,269
NO ONE THINKS IT'S FUNNY!
365
00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:24,270
[ RATTLING ]
366
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:25,972
-ARE YOU TALKING TO US?
-HUH?
367
00:13:26,005 --> 00:13:27,975
[ THUD ]
368
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:29,275
[ WOOD CREAKS ]
369
00:13:29,308 --> 00:13:32,044
HEY, AS LONG AS EVERYBODY'S
JUST SITTING AROUND, UH --
370
00:13:32,078 --> 00:13:33,379
OH, THEY'RE GONNA
DO ANOTHER ONE!
371
00:13:33,413 --> 00:13:35,982
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
THANK YOU, SANTA CLAUS!
372
00:13:36,015 --> 00:13:37,283
THAT'S HILARIOUS.
373
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:38,784
HOPE YOU'RE HAVING FUN,
'CAUSE THAT'S ABOUT TO END.
374
00:13:38,817 --> 00:13:40,653
OKAY, STICK TO THE SCRIPTED
PATTER, SWEETIE.
375
00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:43,222
-YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
-AND A ONE AND A TWO.
376
00:13:43,255 --> 00:13:45,993
Both: * SILENT NIGHT
[ LILY SCREAMS ]
377
00:13:46,025 --> 00:13:47,726
OH, MY GOD,
WHAT WAS THAT?
378
00:13:47,759 --> 00:13:49,162
-OH, I'M SURE IT'S FINE.
-FINE. IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
379
00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:50,363
SO, MITCHELL,
HERE WE GO AGAIN.
380
00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:52,331
Both: * SILENT NIGHT
[ LILY SCREAMS ]
381
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,801
THAT IS YOUR
DAUGHTER SCREAMING!
382
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,302
[ SIGHS ]
383
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,071
-LILY, ARE YOU OKAY?!
-WHAT'S GOING ON?!
384
00:13:58,105 --> 00:14:00,639
THE FORGOTTEN BOY --
I HEARD HIM! HE'S IN THERE!
385
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,708
OF COURSE HE IS.
ALL RIGHT,
LET'S GET HIM OUT, HUH?
386
00:14:02,741 --> 00:14:05,745
WE'LL MAKE SURE THAT
HE DOESN'T BOTHER -- OH, GOD!
387
00:14:05,778 --> 00:14:08,347
-[ GASPS ]
-OH, GOD!
388
00:14:08,380 --> 00:14:10,017
ANDY?
389
00:14:10,049 --> 00:14:12,052
TAKE OFF THE BLAZER.
-[ SIGHS ]
390
00:14:16,923 --> 00:14:18,658
WE WERE JUST LOOKING
FOR DINNER NAPKINS.
391
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:19,658
WHERE?
IN HER SHIRT?
392
00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,494
I HAVE
SO MANY QUESTIONS.
393
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,495
BOYS, LILY,
GO PLAY WHERE SNOW WOULD BE.
394
00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:25,164
SO, IS THIS A THING?
395
00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:26,698
IS IT THE FIRST TIME?
-YES!
396
00:14:26,732 --> 00:14:27,734
-NO.
-ANDY!
397
00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:29,769
I-I'M SICK OF THE LIES.
398
00:14:29,802 --> 00:14:31,904
WE'VE BEEN HAVING
IMPROPER RELATIONS.
OH.
399
00:14:31,938 --> 00:14:34,673
AREN'T YOU ENGAGED?
OH, SUDDENLY,
YOU'RE CONCERNED ABOUT LOYALTY.
400
00:14:34,706 --> 00:14:36,243
OH, YOU'RE TALKING TO ME.
WON'T THAT BORE YOU?
401
00:14:36,275 --> 00:14:38,445
APPARENTLY, I'M BORING!
-LISTEN, EVERYONE,
402
00:14:38,477 --> 00:14:41,081
LET'S NOT LET THIS RUIN
OUR BEAUTIFUL HOLIDAY.
403
00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:42,749
ALEX, NOBODY NEEDS
YOUR SARCASM RIGHT NOW!
404
00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:44,084
IT'S UGLY, HONEY.
405
00:14:44,116 --> 00:14:46,586
Cameron: THIS IS ANDY
AND HALEY'S PRIVATE BUSINESS.
406
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:49,389
I THINK WE SHOULD BE FOCUSED
ON THIS SPECIAL NIGHT.
407
00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:51,357
THIS SPECIAL
SILENT NIGHT.
408
00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:52,725
-ONE AND A TWO.
-NO.
409
00:14:52,759 --> 00:14:55,128
Both:
* SILENT NIGHT
410
00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:57,697
* HOL--
GUYS, I HAVE A SURPRISE!
411
00:14:57,730 --> 00:15:00,267
IT'S BETH!
412
00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:01,634
OH, MY GOD.
413
00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:03,971
THIS IS ONE
OF MY CHRISTMAS SURPRISES.
414
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:07,474
ANDY, YOU CAN SPEND CHRISTMAS
WITH YOUR FIANCéE AFTER ALL!
415
00:15:07,506 --> 00:15:09,875
-MMM, HI, BITTLE-BATTLE!
-HEY, PUMPKIN!
416
00:15:09,908 --> 00:15:12,211
BETH, YOU MIND IF I HAVE
A QUICK CHITCHAT WITH YOUR MAN?
417
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,879
YEAH, I'LL GIVE BETH
A TOUR OF THE HOUSE
418
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,581
WHILE WE GET GLORIA
UP TO SPEED.
419
00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:16,950
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE
THE HOLIDAYS?
YEAH.
420
00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:19,885
FULL OF WONDER AND MAGIC
AND SURPRISE AND --
421
00:15:19,918 --> 00:15:21,321
Gloria: WHAT?!
422
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:23,090
SIT.
423
00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:24,256
MR. DUNPHY, I AM S--
424
00:15:24,291 --> 00:15:25,958
IT'S NOT YOUR TURN
TO TALK.
425
00:15:25,993 --> 00:15:28,227
THAT'S MY DAUGHTER, AND YOU'RE
ENGAGED TO SOMEONE ELSE.
426
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:30,029
IF THIS IS A FLING, IT'S OVER.
YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
427
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,232
BUT IF THIS IS SOMETHING REAL,
YOU NEED TO BE HONEST WITH BETH.
428
00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:35,235
IT'S TIME TO STEP UP
AND BE A MAN.
429
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,568
I UNDERSTAND.
430
00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:37,669
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
431
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,106
LIFE IS LIKE
A MOUNTAIN ROAD
432
00:15:40,139 --> 00:15:42,142
WITH A NEW ADVENTURE
AROUND EVERY CORNER.
433
00:15:42,174 --> 00:15:44,244
-WOW.
-RIGHT?
434
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:47,080
-DID YOU JUST THINK OF THAT?
-I DID.
435
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:49,149
[ BEETHOVEN'S
"MOONLIGHT SONATA" PLAYS ]
436
00:16:00,393 --> 00:16:01,995
SEEMS TENSE.
437
00:16:03,730 --> 00:16:06,365
YOUR BIG SIS
IS KIND OF A DISASTER, HUH?
438
00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:09,701
FIG, WE ARE A LOT ALIKE,
LIKE YOU SAID.
439
00:16:09,735 --> 00:16:12,272
AND SOMETIMES
WE CAN GIVE OFF
440
00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:14,441
A NEGATIVE VIBE
WITHOUT MEANING TO.
441
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:18,278
WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
WELL, I WAS THINKING
MAYBE WE COULD MAKE MORE
442
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:22,782
OF AN EFFORT TO BE MORE POSITIVE
AND ACTUALLY ENJOY CHRISTMAS.
443
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:23,816
AS A GOOF?
444
00:16:25,052 --> 00:16:26,985
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, NEW PLAN.
445
00:16:27,019 --> 00:16:30,289
WE WAIT UNTIL THE WHOLE
HALEY/ANDY THING BLOWS OVER.
446
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:32,524
EVERYONE GETS
A LITTLE LIQUORED UP.
OTHER PEOPLE.
447
00:16:32,558 --> 00:16:35,628
AND THEN, RIGHT BEFORE DESSERT,
YOU SIT DOWN AT THE PIANO.
448
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:36,863
-Shh!
-YOU --
449
00:16:36,895 --> 00:16:39,165
Alex: * SILENT NIGHT
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
450
00:16:39,198 --> 00:16:42,469
Both: * HOLY NIGHT
451
00:16:42,501 --> 00:16:46,206
* ALL IS CALM
452
00:16:46,239 --> 00:16:50,143
* ALL IS BRIGHT
453
00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:56,216
* 'ROUND YON VIRGIN MOTHER
AND CHILD *
454
00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:58,350
-SON OF A BITCH!
-MOTHER...
455
00:16:58,384 --> 00:17:04,824
* HOLY INFANT,
SO TENDER AND MILD *
456
00:17:04,856 --> 00:17:10,762
* SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE
457
00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:12,932
THAT'S IT.
I'M DRINKING.
458
00:17:12,964 --> 00:17:19,439
* SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE
459
00:17:19,471 --> 00:17:21,574
-WOW.
-AWW.
460
00:17:21,607 --> 00:17:24,076
[ APPLAUSE ]
461
00:17:24,111 --> 00:17:26,278
THAT'S GOT TO HURT!
462
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:31,384
[ SIGHS ]
463
00:17:31,417 --> 00:17:32,852
HEY, ZUCCHINI BLOSSOM!
464
00:17:32,884 --> 00:17:34,554
HEY, POPCORN SHRIMP,
LISTEN.
465
00:17:34,586 --> 00:17:37,624
SOMETHING IS GOING ON,
AND...
466
00:17:37,656 --> 00:17:41,059
AS PAINFUL AS IT MAY BE,
I THINK WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT.
467
00:17:41,094 --> 00:17:42,229
[ SIGHS ]
468
00:17:42,261 --> 00:17:44,364
YOU COULD ALWAYS
SEE THROUGH ME.
469
00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:46,898
-WHAT NOW?
-YES, I MET SOMEONE.
470
00:17:46,932 --> 00:17:49,336
I'VE BEEN DATING HIM FOR
A FEW MONTHS BEHIND YOUR BACK.
471
00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:52,138
AND I'M ACTUALLY
CHEATING ON HIM, TOO.
472
00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:53,373
YOU MEAN WITH ME?
473
00:17:53,405 --> 00:17:54,740
[ Laughing ] NO!
474
00:17:54,773 --> 00:17:56,308
NO.
475
00:17:56,343 --> 00:17:58,044
OH.
476
00:17:58,076 --> 00:17:59,878
POPCORN SHRIMP.
477
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,381
[ WHEELS ROLLING ]
478
00:18:01,413 --> 00:18:03,215
WELL, SLIGHT CHANGE OF PLANS.
479
00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:04,651
I'M GONNA BE GOING.
480
00:18:04,683 --> 00:18:06,553
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE.
481
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,054
All: BYE, BETH!
482
00:18:08,086 --> 00:18:09,989
DRIVE SAFE!
483
00:18:10,021 --> 00:18:11,057
KEEP IN TOUCH!
484
00:18:11,089 --> 00:18:12,592
I DON'T SEE US
KEEPING IN TOUCH.
485
00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:14,727
HEY,
YOU BROKE UP WITH BETH?
486
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,929
SHE CHEATED ON ME.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
487
00:18:16,962 --> 00:18:19,332
-WAIT, YOU'RE UPSET?
-OF COURSE I'M UPSET.
488
00:18:19,365 --> 00:18:20,567
WE DATED FOR 10 YEARS.
489
00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:22,402
I JUST GOT STABBED
IN THE BACK.
490
00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:24,604
-WELCOME TO THE CLUB.
-REALLY?
491
00:18:24,636 --> 00:18:26,005
YOU WERE STABBED
IN THE BACK?
492
00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:28,740
A DAUGHTER MOCKING
HER FATHER'S LIFE.
493
00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:31,443
CLOSETS AREN'T FASCINATING?
SINCE WHEN?
494
00:18:31,478 --> 00:18:33,246
[ Slurring ]
WANT TO TALK ABOUT BETRAYAL?
495
00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:35,281
HOW ABOUT WHEN
SOMEBODY STEALS A SONG
496
00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:37,450
AND TAKES IT
FOR THEMSELVESES?
497
00:18:37,483 --> 00:18:39,818
I HAD NO IDEA THAT YOU GUYS
WERE GONNA SING THAT SONG.
498
00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:41,587
I DID.
I HEARD THEM REHEARSING.
499
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:43,923
I THOUGHT THERE WAS AN ANIMAL
STUCK IN THE WALL.
500
00:18:43,955 --> 00:18:46,159
AND TO THINK WE INVITED YOU
INTO OUR HOME.
501
00:18:46,192 --> 00:18:47,794
WE SHOULD'VE LEFT YOU
OUT IN THE WARM.
502
00:18:47,826 --> 00:18:49,761
Haley: I GET THAT YOU'RE UPSET,
BUT REMEMBER,
503
00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:51,330
I EVEN LIKED YOU
WHEN YOU WERE FAT.
504
00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:53,098
THEY GIVE OUT AWARDS
TO PEOPLE LIKE ME!
505
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,768
I GAVE UP
A THREE-DAY TRIP TO CABO
506
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:57,604
TO CLOSE
THAT BEST WESTERN DEAL.
507
00:18:57,636 --> 00:19:00,440
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU OWE HER 25 MARGARITAS!
508
00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:01,941
-PHIL!
-21!
509
00:19:01,973 --> 00:19:04,211
-21!
-ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH!
510
00:19:04,243 --> 00:19:06,112
ALL I WANTED
WAS A WHITE CHRISTMAS,
511
00:19:06,144 --> 00:19:08,114
AND INSTEAD,
I'M BACK IN COLOMBIA --
512
00:19:08,146 --> 00:19:12,117
THE HEAT, THE BETRAYAL,
PEOPLE STEALING SONGS!
513
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,186
THIS ENDS NOW!
514
00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:18,290
ANDY, STOP WHINING AND BE
GRATEFUL THAT HALEY LIKES YOU!
515
00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:21,728
SHE'S A STONE-COLD 10,
AND YOU'RE A UTAH 7!
516
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:26,199
JAY, IT'S TIME FOR YOU
AND CLAIRE TO KISS AND MAKE UP!
517
00:19:26,232 --> 00:19:27,967
WHY DOESN'T HE
KISS CHUCK FEENY?!
518
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,669
BECAUSE THERE'S
NO CHUCK FEENY!
519
00:19:29,701 --> 00:19:31,804
HE MADE IT UP TO TEST YOU!
520
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:34,973
AND IF SHE DIDN'T CARE,
SHE WOULDN'T BE THIS UPSET!
521
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,976
THERE IS NO
CHUCK FEENY?
522
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:40,512
IT WAS A DUMB IDEA, BUT I SAW
WHAT HAPPENED TO DON McSORLEY!
523
00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:41,881
THE CRACKERJACK
BLINDS GUY.
524
00:19:41,913 --> 00:19:43,915
YOU GOT HIS WHOLE COMPANY
FOR 8 CENTS ON THE DOLLAR.
525
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:45,884
I BOUGHT HIS PHOTOCOPIER
FOR 7 BUCKS.
526
00:19:45,917 --> 00:19:48,421
[ CHUCKLES ]
I ALWAYS HOPED
YOU'D TAKE OVER THE COMPANY.
527
00:19:48,454 --> 00:19:50,155
THERE'S NO ONE I TRUST
MORE THAN YOU.
528
00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:52,090
I JUST HAD TO KNOW
THAT YOU REALLY WANTED IT!
529
00:19:52,124 --> 00:19:55,327
THAT I WANTED TO RUN A COMPANY
THAT GIVES PEOPLE A PLACE
530
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:57,564
TO STORE NOT ONLY THEIR JEANS,
BUT THEIR DREAMS?
531
00:19:57,596 --> 00:19:59,097
-YES!
-HERE.
532
00:19:59,131 --> 00:20:03,736
I GOT YOU A LITTLE
EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT.
533
00:20:03,769 --> 00:20:06,005
"CLAIRE DUNPHY, C.E.O."
534
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:07,038
-OH, YOU!
-WHAT?!
535
00:20:07,073 --> 00:20:08,775
OH!
[ SQUEALS ]
536
00:20:08,807 --> 00:20:10,576
-THAT'S MORE LIKE IT!
-[ LAUGHS ]
537
00:20:10,609 --> 00:20:12,444
WHO CARES
WHAT THE WEATHER IS?
538
00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:15,347
WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS
THAT WE HAVE EACH OTHER!
539
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:17,349
[ GASPS ] SNOW!
540
00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:20,686
GOOD KING WENCESLAS,
THERE IS SNOW!
541
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,855
[ GASPS ]
542
00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:25,557
I TOLD YOU EVERYTHING
WAS GOING TO WORK OUT.
543
00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:28,126
IT'S A PERFECT CHRISTMAS.
544
00:20:29,796 --> 00:20:31,931
-WHAT ARE WE LOOKING AT?
-SNOW!
545
00:20:31,963 --> 00:20:34,366
OUR MIRACLE
FOR CHRISTMAS.
546
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:35,434
THAT'S NOT SNOW.
547
00:20:35,468 --> 00:20:37,703
THAT'S ASHES
FROM A FOREST FIRE.
548
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:39,506
IF YOU'RE QUIET,
YOU CAN HEAR SCREAMING.
549
00:20:46,077 --> 00:20:47,646
PHIL, DID YOU LOOK
IN ALL THE DRAWERS?
550
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:49,316
YEP, AND UNDER THE BED.
GOT EVERYTHING.
551
00:20:49,348 --> 00:20:52,618
-BYE, GLORIA. THANK YOU.
-BYE.
552
00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:54,753
JAY, DON'T FORGET
JOE'S NEW DOLL.
553
00:20:54,787 --> 00:20:58,089
MITCH AND CAM --
ALWAYS PUSHING THEIR AGENDA.
554
00:21:00,626 --> 00:21:02,127
BYE-BYE, HOUSE!
555
00:21:02,161 --> 00:21:04,696
WE WILL MISS YOU!
556
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,102
[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS ]
557
00:21:14,540 --> 00:21:16,275
Luke: HELLO?
558
00:21:16,308 --> 00:21:17,509
HELLO?!
559
00:21:17,544 --> 00:21:19,178
I-IT'S ME -- LUKE!
560
00:21:19,211 --> 00:21:21,247
[ DOORKNOB RATTLING ]
[ SIGHS ]
561
00:21:21,279 --> 00:21:23,349
I THINK
I LOCKED MYSELF IN HERE!
562
00:21:23,383 --> 00:21:25,352
[ POUNDING ]
[ PATTERING ]
563
00:21:25,384 --> 00:21:27,953
UH, I DON'T THINK
I'M ALONE IN HERE!
564
00:21:27,987 --> 00:21:28,988
[ POUNDING RESUMES ]41373
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