Original subtitles

- Morning, Roz. - Niles called. He'll be over at seven.

- Thanks. You seem awfully calm today. - Why shouldn't I be?

You're usually anxious in ratings week.

- That starts today? - I shouldn't have mentioned it.

You do this every year. You convince yourselfwe'll have no good callers,

but our listeners always come through.

You're on.

Hello, Seattle. This is Dr Frasier Crane.

I was reminded this morning of a jaunty aphorism

that's credited to the great thinker Spinoza.

Oh, God!

- What's your problem? - Hi. Well, I'm kind ofindecisive.

Well, I'm not. Frasier Crane Show.

I want to change careers. I feel trapped.

It's not a great problem, but hold, please.

Frasier Crane Show. what's your problem?

- It's sort of embarrassing. - Amen.

I was a bed-wetter as a child and I think the problem's coming back.

Great. Hold, please. Career change? I got a bed-wetter holding.

Are you trapped because you're a woman trapped inside a man's body?

- I don't think so. - I can't get you on then.

I really wanted to talk to him. I guess that could be part ofit.

Good answer. Hold, please.

Bed-wetter, I got a transsexual in crisis. You've got to beat that.

Ever wet a bed with anybody else in it? A hooker, best friend's wife?

No.

- Do you want to talk to the doc or not? - OK. I guess the third one.

Hold, please. Hey, transsexual.

- Is that me? - Yeah.

Have you ever run for political office or considered it?

- Like congressman? - Perfect.

Don't get me started on rationalistic pantheism or there go the three hours.

I think it's time we went to the phones. Roz, whom do we have?

A bed-wetting adulterer, unless you'd rather speak to Roger on line two

who's a transsexual running for Congress.

Go ahead, Roger, I'm listening.

Why did you chicken out like that?

She's younger than I am. She probably dates doctors and lawyers.

- She wouldn't be interested in me. - Who wouldn't be interested?

A certain someone had the chance to ask a certain someone else

- from the building on a date. - That would be Mrs Crowley.

And bailed out again.

The Crane men have not enjoyed success in the romance department lately.

We're all a bit gun-shy.

Gun-shy, sensitive, picky. You're all full of excuses.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get you married off and out ofthis house.

Hello? Why, Mrs Crowley, we were just talking about you.

Yes, he's here. Hold on.

Hi.

Really? No, I'm not busy. Dinner sounds like fun.

A certain someone is inviting a certain someone else to dinner.

Yes, and where would the world be

without you Brits and your knack for code-cracking?

Sure, I'd love to. Thanks. And thanks for asking me. Bye.

She's invited me to her place tomorrow night.

Guess my little hard-to-get plan really paid off.

Yes, you should write a book. "How to Get a Date in Two Easy Years".

- Hello, Niles. - Frasier. Dad. Hey, Daphne.

- What have got there? - Patient files.

Frasier's helping me with my couples' group.

Your father's starting a couples' group tomorrow.

Mrs Crowley?

It's ironic. Dad's doing better in that department than either of of us.

Not true. That's what I wanted to tell you.

Maris and I are back on the expressway to love.

Well, if not the expressway, at least the on-ramp.

I owe it all to the best psychiatrist I have ever known.

- That's very flattering. - Dr Bernard Schenkman,

our new marriage counsellor. He's a wizard.

Maris is thrilled with him. It's as if he's discovered the magic elixir

to repair the shattered fragments of her psyche.

- I don't know what to call it. - The words "crazy glue" leap to mind.

Doctor Schenkman's helped me, too. He pinpointed my primary failing.

- Which is? - I'm too predictable.

I don't know if I'd count that as a failing.

I do and so does Maris. But I'm going to do something about it.

In half an hour I'll show Maris spontaneity beyond her dreams.

But we're preparing for your workshop.

You'll have to look over the files yourself.

Every Friday Maris spends an hour meditating.

Invariably she comes back randy as a stoat.

Tonight she'll find me waiting in her bed as randy as

another stoat.

I wonder ifthat's a good idea.

Frasier, I know you mean well and I love you and respect you,

but with your track record in relationships,

you're about the last person who should be giving advice.

Fair enough.

And do look over the files. Those couples really need our help.

Hello, Maris.

Maris?

- Dr Schenkman. - Niles.

Dr Schenkman, what the hell's going on?

It's not what it looks like.

What am I saying? Bear with me.

- I'm sorry. I'm feeling stressed. - You're feeling stressed?

- Put yourself in my place. - I very nearly did.

I'm stunned. How long has this been going on?

Two weeks.

Maris and I were waiting to tell you when I felt that you were ready.

That's despicable. It's unethical. It's... Are those my pyjamas?

Could be. They bind a little in the crotch.

Listen, whatever anger you're feeling

- can't begin to approach my guilt. - Don't bet on it.

That's good. Vent that rage. You have every right to.

You're sleeping with my wife and giving me permission to be angry?

Furious. Livid.

You're dealing with itverywell, bythe way.

- Would you care...? - You could lose your licence

- for having an affair with a patient? - And I deserve to,

but it was a risk worth taking because of love.

I love her, Niles.

I've never known a woman so warm,

so nurturing, so unselfish.

Is it possible this is a case of mistaken identity?

Thanks to our sessions,

Maris has been unafraid to show me the real woman inside.

Damn you. I trusted you. Because you were supposed to be helping us.

And I liked you, too, you bastard.

You betrayed my confidence and my friendship and you seduced my wife.

There's a lot of new issues here, aren't there?

Think maybe we should kick it up to three sessions a week?

- You are 20 minutes late. - Sorry.

Sorry? I've been making small talk with them for 20 minutes.

And for people who have a problem communicating that's tiny talk.

I have a lot on my mind right now

so let's just begin and, you know what, maybe you should take the lead. OK?

Very well.

Evening, all. Sorry I'm late. My fault.

If I know these people, they won't hold a grudge.

I feel as though I do know a great deal about this group.

I've spent a good deal oftime pouring over your case histories.

So, let's begin.

Mrs Buddinger, I see that you're here alone.

- Yes. - Is there a reason Dan's not here?

No, he's just stubborn sometimes. He says he doesn't trust psychiatrists.

- Maybe he's got good reason not to. - Excuse me?

I see what your brother's doing here. Sometimes we role play

and I think he's just saying what my husband might say.

Sounds promising, Janice.

Howwould you respond to whatyour husband has just said?

You know, Dan, I don't think that it's psychiatrists thatyou mistrust.

I think it's me. Why are you so suspicious lately?

I thinkyou knowverywell.

A couple of harmless flirtations at parties?

Did you ever stop to consider how those flirtations might make me feel?

He's empathising with the husband. We call this empathising.

Are you going to tell me you've never looked at anyone else?

Don't you dare bring her into this.

She is clean and pure and decent.

Sometimes empathising involves a bit of dramatic licence.

- At least I've always been faithful. - I've always been faithful to you.

I wanted to believe that more than anything in the world but now...

I don't see how I possibly can.

He's one of the greatest empathisers in the business.

Now I just want to die!

Perhaps now would be a good time to take our 15-minute break.

We've made quite a catharsis here.

Traditionally it is the patients who make the breakthroughs,

but we mustn't be sticklers.

All right, Janice.

Dan and I have never cheated on each other. You've got to believe me.

I do. Remember, no one is here to judge anyone else's behaviour.

What the hell are you doing, you lunatic?

Maris is having an affair with Schenkman.

Schenkman?

Whythe contemptible bastard.

He was waiting at the house for herwhen I got there.

I'm so sorry, Niles. Is there anything I can do?

I don't see how. They're in love. They plan to get married.

He told you that?

And she confirmed it... when she walked in,

once she'd stopped shrieking and we'd coaxed her down off the canopy.

I'm just shocked. Things seemed to be going so well with the two ofyou.

That's what I thought.

Maybe Maris' feelings for Dr Schenkman aren't real.

Maybe this is simply a case oftransference.

Patients often believe they're in love with their analysts.

- It's very common. - It's happened to me.

Get out of town.

- I bet that's what's going on here. - They've never fallen in love with me.

Maris is easily influenced.

Not even that fat lady who brought me fudge.

I'd be a fool to let her go.

Niles, you're just grasping at straws.

I owe it to my marriage to give it one more shot.

- How? What more could you do? - I can talk to her alone.

Make her understand what a mistake she's making.

Let's bear one thing in mind. Sometimes a marriage is just bad, doomed,

and no amount of discussion will save it.

Well, then, shall we resume?

No, Daphne, you have fun. I'll be fine. Yeah. We'll see you tomorrow. OK.

Dad? No, he's not even back from his big date yet.

Maybe I'll see him in the morning, too.

All right.

Yes, it is a very romantic story. Yes, yes.

OK, Daphne.

Yes, they do make a very cute couple.

Anyway...

Right, Daphne, yes.

I suppose they do owe it all to you, don't they?

There's the door. OK.

Niles. I thought you were talking with Maris.

It's over. Let her marry Schenkman.

They deserve each other.

I'm sorry, Niles. What happened?

I reached the front gate and was just about to ring the doorbell

to ask her to let me in when it suddenly dawned on me

how many hours I have spent pleading with that woman through gates,

through windows, through keyholes and through transoms

and, in one disastrous instance, through the pet door.

Yes, I remember dabbing Bactine on those Chihuahua bites.

Well, I decided no more.

I actually looked up at the house and said, "Goodbye, Maris. "

"I hope you have a happy life,

but I don't have to take any more of your crap".

And I turned on my heel and walked away.

That's a courageous decision.

- How do you feel? - Not bad, surprisingly.

I'm glad I went over. I needed the closure.

Now that it's over, I feel a little sad, of course, but also strangely liberated.

I'm very proud ofyou.

Dad, you're back.

How did things go with Mrs Crowley?

Great. Fabulous. Right up to the time she introduced me to my date.

- I thought she was your date. - So did I.

Turns out my date was her mother.

86 years young. I guess there was a miscommunication when she invited me.

I'm almost afraid to ask this. How was "Mom"?

She was very nice.

Sleepy.

Showed me pictures of her great-grandchildren.

Couldn't remember any of their names. She couldn't remember mine either.

We could all use a little something from the bar.

I could use a big something.

- It hasn't been a good day all around. - Maris and I have split up for good.

I'm sorry.

- She's in love with someone else. - Niles, are you all right?

I will be.

Well, this may come as small consolation to you,

but I believe that you each have a lot ofwork to do

to catch up to me in the failed romance department.

Divorced twice,

left at the altar once.

Well, I haven't exactly been burning things up lately.

Thank you, Dad.

Things with Sherry fizzled, then Sleeping Beauty tonight.

I think maybe I deserve the booby prize.

I'll challenge you.

Fifteen years with Maris, I end up in bed with her lover.

I didn't need to hear that.

No, it was an accident. It was pitch dark. I thought he was Maris.

It's a natural mistake. What tipped you off?

The heat from her side of the bed.

Well, I think we have a three-way tie.

Here's to the Crane boys, love's big losers.

I said I needed closure. I won't have it until I do one more thing.

Niles, from this height that can hurt somebody.

All clear.

Goodbye, Maris. You've hurt me for the last time.

Niles, is that your Mercedes parked down there?

Good body shop will be able to pound that out.

Well, it's Saturday night.

Here we are. Again.

Wonder how many women are out there tonight without a date.

Thousands.

Thousands of opportunities for us to humiliate ourselves.

Well, come and get us, Seattle. Three Cranes, no waiting.

We're desperate.

- We're ludicrous. - We're pathetic.