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1
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"Like a mighty army"...
2
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..."Moved the Church of God."
3
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"Brothers, we are treading"...
4
00:01:03.146 --> 00:01:07.561
"...Where the saints have trod."
5
00:01:07.818 --> 00:01:12.188
"We are not divided"...
6
00:01:12.281 --> 00:01:16.446
..."All one body we."
7
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"One in hope and doctrine"...
8
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..."One in charity."
9
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"Onward Christian Soldiers"...
10
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..."Marching as to war."
11
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"With the cross of Jesus"...
12
00:01:39.391 --> 00:01:44.136
..."Going on before."
13
00:01:47.941 --> 00:01:48.941
One basket...
14
00:01:49.651 --> 00:01:50.812
...had very good figs.
15
00:01:51.903 --> 00:01:52.903
But the other basket...
16
00:01:53.196 --> 00:01:55.188
...had very naughty figs.
17
00:01:55.824 --> 00:01:57.531
Then, said the Lord unto me...
18
00:01:57.993 --> 00:01:59.985
..."What seest thou, Jeremiah?"
19
00:02:00.579 --> 00:02:02.992
And I said: "Figs."
20
00:02:03.957 --> 00:02:05.380
My friends...
21
00:02:05.709 --> 00:02:10.124
...for my sermon today, I have
chosen the subject of sex.
22
00:02:12.883 --> 00:02:15.717
The other day, a friend
said to me...
23
00:02:16.303 --> 00:02:18.260
..."Geoff, old chum"...
24
00:02:18.889 --> 00:02:22.348
..."Is there too much
sex around these days?"
25
00:02:22.726 --> 00:02:24.718
"Especially on the television?"
26
00:02:25.646 --> 00:02:27.570
Well, my answer...
27
00:02:27.356 --> 00:02:28.356
...is "Yes."
28
00:02:28.940 --> 00:02:32.604
Oh, I would be the first to
agree that sex...
29
00:02:32.986 --> 00:02:36.320
...in its proper context is a beautiful
and ennobling thing.
30
00:02:37.240 --> 00:02:39.357
But, in its proper context.
31
00:02:39.826 --> 00:02:41.158
And that does not mean...
32
00:02:41.244 --> 00:02:43.611
...when it is thrust at us for
commercial gain.
33
00:02:43.789 --> 00:02:46.623
Thrust at us, in
ever-increasing quantities...
34
00:02:46.708 --> 00:02:49.166
...by the muck-mongers of
the mass media.
35
00:02:49.836 --> 00:02:51.168
The time has come for us...
36
00:02:51.380 --> 00:02:54.544
...to call a halt to this
moral erosion.
37
00:02:55.800 --> 00:02:59.218
To join a crusade for better,
cleaner television.
38
00:02:59.513 --> 00:03:00.513
That crusade...
39
00:03:00.722 --> 00:03:05.638
...is the England Clean,
England Strong Society.
40
00:03:06.610 --> 00:06:13.206
Hmmph.
41
00:03:13.860 --> 00:03:17.399
"Every home should have one."
42
00:03:17.656 --> 00:03:21.366
"Every home should have one."
43
00:03:22.350 --> 00:03:25.904
"Every home should have one,
Every home should have one."
44
00:03:25.914 --> 00:03:29.373
"Every home should have one.
Cool as mountain dew."
45
00:03:29.751 --> 00:03:33.370
"Smooth and swift and super-emollient.
Instant, special new!"
46
00:03:33.547 --> 00:03:35.379
"Plastic free gifts have to be given"...
47
00:03:35.757 --> 00:03:37.464
..."Free!"
48
00:03:37.718 --> 00:03:39.425
"Satisfaction certificated"...
49
00:03:39.428 --> 00:03:41.260
..."Polyvinyl chromium-plated."
50
00:03:41.304 --> 00:03:43.261
"Every home should have one"...
51
00:03:43.306 --> 00:03:45.172
..."In a monster size."
52
00:03:45.225 --> 00:03:46.994
"Sun-ripe, sunkissed, sun-blessed
and bottled"...
53
00:03:47.180 --> 00:03:48.429
..."Super grand surprise."
54
00:03:48.979 --> 00:03:52.188
"Brown and bronzed and bleached
with a guarantee."
55
00:03:52.357 --> 00:04:00.260
"Every home should have one."
56
00:04:00.532 --> 00:04:04.492
"Fresher, cleaner, lighter,
bigger, better, brighter"...
57
00:04:04.536 --> 00:04:06.493
"Sparkling white, and whiter"...
58
00:04:06.496 --> 00:04:08.954
..."Full of every vitamin"...
59
00:04:08.999 --> 00:04:12.618
..."That you will ever hope to see."
60
00:04:24.514 --> 00:04:27.757
"Every home should have one,
Just like mother made"...
61
00:04:28.310 --> 00:04:32.200
..."Silky, sexy, super-deodorous,
Tested by the trade."
62
00:04:32.230 --> 00:04:35.849
"Go to work on this and
you'll walk on air."
63
00:04:36.670 --> 00:04:38.229
"Spread so smooth and easy to
wear and wash"...
64
00:04:38.320 --> 00:04:39.922
..."It's something that you
can share in."
65
00:04:39.946 --> 00:04:43.735
"Every home should have one,
Gives a well-sprung rest."
66
00:04:43.825 --> 00:04:47.409
"High-grade, high-speed, high-definition,
Bigger, better, best!"
67
00:04:47.746 --> 00:04:51.114
"Unrepeatable offer of country fare!"
68
00:04:51.166 --> 00:04:58.710
"Every home should have one."
69
00:04:59.424 --> 00:05:03.338
"Fresher, cleaner, lighter,
bigger, better, brighter"...
70
00:05:03.428 --> 00:05:07.547
..."Sparkling white, and whiter!
"Full of every vitamin"...
71
00:05:07.891 --> 00:05:12.477
..."That you will ever hope to see!"
72
00:05:49.808 --> 00:05:51.490
Ooh!
73
00:05:52.769 --> 00:05:53.769
Oh..!
74
00:05:57.858 --> 00:05:58.939
Oh!
75
00:06:15.792 --> 00:06:17.158
I'm Whizzy, the Alka Vita Kid!
76
00:06:17.210 --> 00:06:19.327
Feeling unwell? Stomach upsets
getting you down?
77
00:06:19.629 --> 00:06:20.629
You tell, em, kid.
78
00:06:20.964 --> 00:06:23.810
"I clean your liver through and through."
79
00:06:23.216 --> 00:06:25.128
"That's the job I do for you."
80
00:06:25.176 --> 00:06:27.133
"See it sparkle, see it fizz!"
81
00:06:27.387 --> 00:06:30.971
"Alka Vita is a whizz."
82
00:06:34.227 --> 00:06:38.517
"For sparkling teeth and
tingly gums"...
83
00:06:39.357 --> 00:06:41.974
..."Use Chlorodent!"
84
00:06:45.238 --> 00:06:51.360
"And remember, Chlorodent gives
you that HALO OF HYGIENE!"
85
00:06:54.205 --> 00:06:55.933
You said you were going to
finish that Saturday night.
86
00:06:55.957 --> 00:06:56.993
Had to watch TV.
87
00:06:57.830 --> 00:06:59.700
"Had to"? A man came in and
forced you at the point of a gun?
88
00:07:00.860 --> 00:07:01.702
You and Dad were out,
so Hildegarde said...
89
00:07:01.713 --> 00:07:04.456
Hildegard's altogether too
easy-going with you.
90
00:07:07.930 --> 00:07:08.550
Dad seeing them again?
91
00:07:09.471 --> 00:07:11.258
That'll be the Jolly Dandruff Giant.
92
00:07:11.473 --> 00:07:14.807
I don't like the Jolly Dandruff Giant.
He's a silly old ponce.
93
00:07:16.186 --> 00:07:17.186
What did you say?
94
00:07:18.480 --> 00:07:19.220
Morning, Rich.
95
00:07:19.356 --> 00:07:21.180
Morning, Dad.
96
00:07:22.192 --> 00:07:23.854
Just tell your father what
you just said.
97
00:07:24.402 --> 00:07:27.691
I said I think the Jolly Dandruff
Giant is a silly old ponce.
98
00:07:28.156 --> 00:07:29.943
- That's interesting, isn't it?
- Mmm.
99
00:07:30.784 --> 00:07:32.678
We've got a very good
identification with the, er...
100
00:07:32.702 --> 00:07:34.568
- ...fourteen to fifteen age group...
- No, the word he used.
101
00:07:34.579 --> 00:07:36.616
- Do you approve?
- Hmm? Um...
102
00:07:36.915 --> 00:07:38.497
...no! Certainly not.
103
00:07:39.167 --> 00:07:41.910
Richard - never let me hear you
use that word again.
104
00:07:42.504 --> 00:07:43.915
Policemen say it.
105
00:07:44.214 --> 00:07:46.877
You've never heard
a policeman say that!
106
00:07:47.175 --> 00:07:49.508
I did, on a TV play on
Saturday night.
107
00:07:49.636 --> 00:07:51.218
Then when the girl came in,
they sai...
108
00:07:51.221 --> 00:07:53.713
No one wants to hear.
Get on with your cornflakes.
109
00:07:53.723 --> 00:07:55.214
I'll have a chat with Hildegarde.
110
00:07:55.642 --> 00:07:56.642
Hildegarde.
111
00:07:57.978 --> 00:07:59.185
Hildegarde!
112
00:08:00.271 --> 00:08:01.853
HILDEGARDE!
113
00:08:02.774 --> 00:08:03.855
My baby?!
114
00:08:04.192 --> 00:08:06.559
Richard? I don't believe it!
115
00:08:06.695 --> 00:08:09.620
From the fathers I expect
this sort of thing.
116
00:08:09.280 --> 00:08:11.567
But from the sons,
it's too much.
117
00:08:11.658 --> 00:08:13.320
Goodbye, Mrs Brown!
118
00:08:49.195 --> 00:08:53.235
You're late.
119
00:08:54.340 --> 00:08:57.118
Because it's McLaughlin's
Frozen Porridge, dear.
120
00:08:58.455 --> 00:09:01.414
Is that why it's so
smooth and creamy?
121
00:09:01.750 --> 00:09:02.750
Yes, dear.
122
00:09:03.840 --> 00:09:05.701
McLaughlin's is made from the
pick of the oats.
123
00:09:05.754 --> 00:09:07.996
Come on - eat up!
124
00:09:09.174 --> 00:09:12.212
He LOVES his frozen
McLaughlin's, bless him.
125
00:09:13.511 --> 00:09:15.127
Take a tip from wee Angus.
126
00:09:15.180 --> 00:09:18.173
McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge
builds bonnie bairns!
127
00:09:18.391 --> 00:09:22.260
"Yes, bonnie boys and bonnie girls"...
128
00:09:22.312 --> 00:09:25.555
..."eat McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge."
129
00:09:33.730 --> 00:09:34.655
You want a considered opinion?
130
00:09:36.493 --> 00:09:37.493
YUCH!
131
00:09:38.328 --> 00:09:39.660
"Y-U-C-H"?
132
00:09:39.704 --> 00:09:40.704
Precisely.
133
00:09:41.390 --> 00:09:42.530
And underlined!
134
00:09:42.791 --> 00:09:44.320
What went wrong, Nat?
135
00:09:44.209 --> 00:09:46.747
Oh, it's, uh... er, excuse me.
136
00:09:47.754 --> 00:09:49.336
Frank, a merchandising error...
137
00:09:49.714 --> 00:09:52.422
Teddy - what did I do wrong?
138
00:09:52.509 --> 00:09:55.172
You forgot to research the
socio-economic profile.
139
00:09:56.221 --> 00:09:58.901
- Socio-economic?
- ... their board, and their head office.
140
00:10:00.141 --> 00:10:01.600
You see...
141
00:10:01.590 --> 00:10:04.803
...er, Teddy forgot to research the
socio-economic profile.
142
00:10:04.854 --> 00:10:05.389
Teddy?
143
00:10:05.522 --> 00:10:07.855
My graphics man -
wonderful young fellow...
144
00:10:07.941 --> 00:10:10.934
- ...oh, he is so...
- Pure Victorian sentimentality.
145
00:10:13.822 --> 00:10:17.236
But Frank, the "love equals
frozen porridge" angle!
146
00:10:17.408 --> 00:10:19.240
We won the prize for
that one, Frank.
147
00:10:19.327 --> 00:10:21.910
The brand-identification factor is
up to seventy-three.
148
00:10:21.955 --> 00:10:23.537
I'll go along with that, Frank.
149
00:10:23.790 --> 00:10:24.997
- Hang on!
- Nat...
150
00:10:25.410 --> 00:10:26.998
...you have fallen down,
on a big one.
151
00:10:27.850 --> 00:10:28.792
McLaughlin's not just one account.
152
00:10:28.920 --> 00:10:30.161
He's a commercial empire.
153
00:10:30.255 --> 00:10:31.291
Um... ooh.
154
00:10:31.381 --> 00:10:32.963
Well, I keep telling that
to Teddy.
155
00:10:32.966 --> 00:10:35.424
He can tell you. Teddy, will you
tell 'em, please?
156
00:10:35.468 --> 00:10:37.130
Motivational research
gave us a...
157
00:10:37.137 --> 00:10:38.489
...survey in depth, Frank.
158
00:10:38.513 --> 00:10:39.594
Mother love is IN.
159
00:10:39.639 --> 00:10:41.158
I go along with that thinking,
too, Frank.
160
00:10:41.182 --> 00:10:42.827
He goes along with that thinking,
too, Frank.
161
00:10:42.851 --> 00:10:45.130
A McLaughlin campaign has
to be important.
162
00:10:45.270 --> 00:10:46.386
Impact, Charles.
163
00:10:46.563 --> 00:10:48.332
- Now, you... play with that sales report.
- Teddy, for Pete's sake...
164
00:10:48.356 --> 00:10:51.690
...say something. I am pleading with
you to say something.
165
00:10:57.115 --> 00:11:00.449
- Morning, Jenny.
- Morning, Mr Brown.
166
00:11:01.119 --> 00:11:02.576
Inject a dignity factor.
167
00:11:02.620 --> 00:11:04.532
- Yes, we can give it more dignity.
- Mmm.
168
00:11:04.581 --> 00:11:06.380
Erm, uh, giveaway campaign.
169
00:11:06.124 --> 00:11:09.333
Free plastic, uh... what are those funny
things Scotties are always wearing?
170
00:11:09.377 --> 00:11:10.913
Oh, they're what we call "sporrans".
171
00:11:10.962 --> 00:11:12.703
Aye, free plastic sporrans!
172
00:11:12.755 --> 00:11:15.372
We lose McLaughlin, we lose
more than agency revenue.
173
00:11:15.425 --> 00:11:17.667
Don't you know his latest factory
was opened by royalty?
174
00:11:17.760 --> 00:11:19.822
- "Royalty equals mother love."
- Terribly sorry.
175
00:11:19.846 --> 00:11:20.802
There's a chance...
176
00:11:20.847 --> 00:11:23.260
...the McLaughlin conglomerate...
McLoughlin foundation.
177
00:11:23.641 --> 00:11:25.883
Sporrans?
178
00:11:28.210 --> 00:11:29.978
What's your view?
179
00:11:30.523 --> 00:11:32.310
- I...
- I agree entirely.
180
00:11:32.650 --> 00:11:34.141
- It stinks.
- Uh..?
181
00:11:34.736 --> 00:11:38.355
The campaign as at present
conceptualised... stinks.
182
00:11:40.658 --> 00:11:43.241
And he, he is the only
one with the...
183
00:11:43.494 --> 00:11:44.610
...with the insight...
184
00:11:44.704 --> 00:11:46.991
...the, the insight, and
the guts, to...
185
00:11:47.332 --> 00:11:50.325
..to... Hmm.
Who is he?
186
00:11:50.877 --> 00:11:54.211
Well, he's one of my boys.
He's on my team, Frank.
187
00:11:54.464 --> 00:11:55.921
His name is Teddy Brown.
188
00:11:56.490 --> 00:11:58.962
He's a product of the old
Nat Kaplan Nursery...
189
00:11:59.100 --> 00:12:01.502
...and I am grooming him
personally, Frank.
190
00:12:01.846 --> 00:12:03.758
- Nat, you're hurting me.
- Oh.
191
00:12:03.890 --> 00:12:04.801
Then, Brown...
192
00:12:04.891 --> 00:12:06.553
...an honest appraisal of
the campaign.
193
00:12:06.893 --> 00:12:09.351
Give it to me straight. Where do
you think we went wrong?
194
00:12:10.438 --> 00:12:13.431
Tell him. Tell him where we
went wrong, huh?
195
00:12:13.858 --> 00:12:14.894
Well, um...
196
00:12:15.777 --> 00:12:16.893
...fundamentally...
197
00:12:17.700 --> 00:12:18.777
- ...we were...
- Yes, yes?
198
00:12:18.905 --> 00:12:20.612
The mistake we made
was, you see...
199
00:12:20.698 --> 00:12:25.113
- ...er, selling porridge...
- A-ha! Ah? Ha, ha, right!
200
00:12:25.245 --> 00:12:27.703
Right? Oh, he hit the nail right
on the head! Oh, gee...
201
00:12:27.789 --> 00:12:32.955
...this good old genius, old Teddy, bay-bee!
I know what's on your mind!
202
00:12:33.378 --> 00:12:35.870
- You do?
- Oh, ho! The classical error...
203
00:12:35.922 --> 00:12:38.756
...we disobeyed Principle
Number One.
204
00:12:38.800 --> 00:12:41.759
You don't sell the steak;
you sell the sizzle.
205
00:12:41.970 --> 00:12:45.259
Now it's getting exciting.
How it's beginning to feel good!
206
00:12:45.390 --> 00:12:47.973
That one creative leap.
207
00:12:50.520 --> 00:12:52.807
All right, Brown.
208
00:12:53.731 --> 00:12:54.812
Set up your team.
209
00:12:55.441 --> 00:12:57.854
You don't take the ball from
the man on top of it.
210
00:12:58.152 --> 00:13:00.314
The new McLaughlin campaign...
211
00:13:00.780 --> 00:13:02.988
...from now on: it's your baby.
212
00:13:03.157 --> 00:13:06.195
- It's not funny, it's disgusting.
- It's just a hobby.
213
00:13:06.286 --> 00:13:07.572
Collecting girls' knickers?
214
00:13:07.620 --> 00:13:09.236
All the chaps in our form are.
215
00:13:09.330 --> 00:13:11.572
You see nothing wrong in
collecting strange knickers...
216
00:13:11.666 --> 00:13:13.328
...and pressing them in your
stamp album?
217
00:13:13.418 --> 00:13:15.330
- Well, it was on television.
- What was?
218
00:13:15.420 --> 00:13:16.786
The play about this old man.
219
00:13:16.921 --> 00:13:20.130
- He went round clothes lines, stealing knickers.
- I don't want to hear!
220
00:13:20.341 --> 00:13:22.319
Goodness knows what your father will think.
221
00:13:30.310 --> 00:13:31.892
- Ready?
- No. I came up with the...
222
00:13:31.894 --> 00:13:33.476
- ...art department...
- Stop being a child!
223
00:13:33.479 --> 00:13:34.540
I'm not being a child.
Look, I've never...
224
00:13:34.564 --> 00:13:36.542
...handled a whole campaign
on my own before, that's all.
225
00:13:36.566 --> 00:13:38.774
That's ridiculous. Believe me.
Trust me.
226
00:13:38.901 --> 00:13:40.608
- Nat, I...
- That really hurts a man.
227
00:13:40.653 --> 00:13:43.566
- Are you ready to order, gentlemen?
- Look, I'll handle this, Teddy.
228
00:13:43.614 --> 00:13:46.573
I'll, er, I'll have my usual, Mario.
229
00:13:46.868 --> 00:13:49.702
My name is Arthur, sir. I don't
know what your usual is.
230
00:13:50.747 --> 00:13:52.613
Oh. Well, then...
231
00:13:53.410 --> 00:13:55.328
...I'll have a little caviare,
I think, and, uh...
232
00:13:55.376 --> 00:13:57.618
...and we'll follow that with
some oysters, I think.
233
00:13:57.670 --> 00:13:59.957
Some oysters? Yes, sir.
Half a dozen? A dozen?
234
00:14:00.480 --> 00:14:01.539
Er, nine.
235
00:14:02.500 --> 00:14:03.500
Nine?
236
00:14:03.468 --> 00:14:04.925
A dozen is so pushy.
237
00:14:05.261 --> 00:14:06.261
Nine.
238
00:14:06.346 --> 00:14:07.882
- Each?
- No, no. No, erm, uh...
239
00:14:08.348 --> 00:14:10.965
...I'll just have a... small
macaroni cheese, I think.
240
00:14:11.100 --> 00:14:13.262
- Macaroni?
- Ta. Grazi.
241
00:14:13.436 --> 00:14:16.474
I come here a lot. The grooviest
people in the whole world...
242
00:14:16.564 --> 00:14:19.307
...showbusiness, writers, photographers...
243
00:14:19.400 --> 00:14:21.687
...it's not easy to become a
member, let me tell you.
244
00:14:22.111 --> 00:14:23.693
Hello, baby!
245
00:14:24.238 --> 00:14:25.695
Oh, hi.
246
00:14:25.698 --> 00:14:27.610
Saw the show. Loved it.
247
00:14:27.658 --> 00:14:29.615
Loved it!
248
00:14:30.912 --> 00:14:33.120
- Know her?
- Know her?
249
00:14:33.998 --> 00:14:36.490
- Ah, come here, come here.
- What? What? What?
250
00:14:36.626 --> 00:14:39.840
What did he mean, "Loved the show"?
251
00:14:39.253 --> 00:14:40.414
What show?
252
00:14:42.340 --> 00:14:44.673
Like a rattlesnake.
253
00:14:44.717 --> 00:14:48.336
- Shew!
- But, Teddy, Teddy, believe me...
254
00:14:48.388 --> 00:14:51.972
...one of the nicest, most genuine
people in showbusiness.
255
00:14:53.351 --> 00:14:56.344
- Nat, about this McLaughlin's campaign...
- Hi, Susie!
256
00:14:57.688 --> 00:15:00.931
Oh... hi! Excuse me, darling,
it's work.
257
00:15:05.321 --> 00:15:07.608
Nat, darling, you're very,
very naughty.
258
00:15:07.698 --> 00:15:09.760
You never called me back about
that dog-food commercial.
259
00:15:09.784 --> 00:15:11.821
Ah, I'm sorry, honey, but you
know how it is.
260
00:15:11.869 --> 00:15:14.828
Nepotism in the office.
They decided to use a dog.
261
00:15:14.872 --> 00:15:16.829
- Mmm-hmm.
- Keep in touch, huh?
262
00:15:16.874 --> 00:15:18.911
- Okay. Bye.
- Mmm-hmm.
263
00:15:21.450 --> 00:15:23.332
A moth to my flame, poor thing.
264
00:15:23.756 --> 00:15:25.622
Ha! Power!
265
00:15:26.500 --> 00:15:27.211
Nat...
266
00:15:27.969 --> 00:15:29.210
...d'you really...
267
00:15:29.804 --> 00:15:31.966
Aren't you married?
I mean, don't you feel guilty?
268
00:15:32.432 --> 00:15:33.468
Yes.
269
00:15:34.580 --> 00:15:37.267
But, y'see... I have this wonderful
understanding with my wife.
270
00:15:38.563 --> 00:15:39.563
She doesn't know.
271
00:15:40.690 --> 00:15:43.410
- Nat, look, about this porridge...
- She's still in the States, see.
272
00:15:43.693 --> 00:15:45.525
I'm fixing up a house so
she can come over.
273
00:15:45.862 --> 00:15:47.694
But you know how long these
things can take.
274
00:15:47.947 --> 00:15:49.859
- If you play your cards right.
- Yeah.
275
00:15:50.199 --> 00:15:52.310
Er, Nat, about the porridge.
276
00:15:52.118 --> 00:15:55.702
Ah... sex is a strange and
wonderful thing.
277
00:15:56.800 --> 00:15:57.696
Yeah... so's porridge.
278
00:15:58.583 --> 00:15:59.869
Look, Nat...
279
00:16:00.251 --> 00:16:01.251
Wait a minute.
280
00:16:03.880 --> 00:16:05.587
- Did you say "porridge"?
- What?
281
00:16:06.900 --> 00:16:07.831
- Sex and porridge.
- What?!
282
00:16:08.900 --> 00:16:10.797
- Sex and Porridge!
- What are you talking about, Nat?
283
00:16:11.950 --> 00:16:12.256
Imagine...
284
00:16:12.388 --> 00:16:15.677
...selling porridge...
with a sex image!
285
00:16:16.476 --> 00:16:19.469
Oh, Teddy, this is new.
286
00:16:19.604 --> 00:16:22.392
And this is our first plus -
and it's good.
287
00:16:22.982 --> 00:16:24.393
Oh, is it good!
288
00:16:24.442 --> 00:16:27.435
And all the time I thought you
were a little weirdo!
289
00:16:27.487 --> 00:16:29.444
Hey, Nat, do you really
think it'll work?
290
00:16:29.530 --> 00:16:31.317
Work? Listen, kid...
291
00:16:31.365 --> 00:16:33.778
...this campaign has to be ready
in two weeks, yeah?
292
00:16:33.993 --> 00:16:36.656
All right. You've got just
fourteen days, hear me?
293
00:16:36.871 --> 00:16:39.409
Fourteen days to do nothing...
294
00:16:39.499 --> 00:16:41.411
...think nothing, but sex, yeah?
295
00:16:41.626 --> 00:16:42.662
Sex.
296
00:16:43.850 --> 00:16:46.374
Sex.
297
00:16:48.174 --> 00:16:48.630
Sir?
298
00:16:48.966 --> 00:16:50.470
Make mine oysters.
299
00:16:55.560 --> 00:16:57.799
"Think dirty."
300
00:16:59.101 --> 00:17:01.434
"Think dirty."
301
00:17:07.527 --> 00:17:10.691
"Ah-ah."
302
00:17:10.821 --> 00:17:13.313
"Think dirty."
303
00:17:13.366 --> 00:17:15.323
"Dirty."
304
00:17:22.917 --> 00:17:26.410
"Think dirty."
305
00:17:26.796 --> 00:17:30.390
"Think dirty."
306
00:18:48.961 --> 00:18:53.126
"Think dirty."
307
00:18:53.466 --> 00:18:55.128
- I'm home, Liz.
- LOOK!
308
00:18:55.426 --> 00:18:57.290
Hey, great, but I've got some work
to do first...
309
00:18:57.530 --> 00:18:58.294
- They're Hidegarde's!
- What..?
310
00:18:58.346 --> 00:19:00.303
She left this morning.
311
00:19:00.598 --> 00:19:02.931
- We, we can post them on to her..?
- She left...
312
00:19:02.975 --> 00:19:06.264
...because your son, Richard,
took these from her.
313
00:19:06.771 --> 00:19:08.888
- While she was wearing them?
- No!
314
00:19:08.939 --> 00:19:10.896
He was keeping them in
his stamp album!
315
00:19:11.484 --> 00:19:12.484
Where?
316
00:19:12.610 --> 00:19:15.230
Between Morocco and Mozambique.
317
00:19:15.780 --> 00:19:17.146
Richard. Um...
318
00:19:18.699 --> 00:19:21.908
...Mummy said that, er... you
got the idea from, er...
319
00:19:21.952 --> 00:19:22.783
...watching TV.
320
00:19:22.870 --> 00:19:26.204
Yeah. It was a play called, er...
"The Fetish".
321
00:19:26.749 --> 00:19:29.412
Er, do, do you know what
a fetish is, Richard?
322
00:19:29.669 --> 00:19:31.410
Greville says it's a kind of hobby.
323
00:19:31.587 --> 00:19:33.874
He... y-yes, yes, yes, I
suppose it's a...
324
00:19:34.600 --> 00:19:36.430
...kind of hobby.
I mean, look, you see...
325
00:19:36.217 --> 00:19:39.510
...collecting knickers is an
unhealthy hobby, because...
326
00:19:39.950 --> 00:19:41.553
...it's involved with sex.
327
00:19:42.980 --> 00:19:43.839
You know what sex is,
don't you, Richard?
328
00:19:44.580 --> 00:19:46.300
Oh, sure. What's "involved" mean?
329
00:19:46.686 --> 00:19:48.302
Well, Richard, you see...
330
00:19:48.729 --> 00:19:50.265
...y'see, a woman's body...
331
00:19:50.690 --> 00:19:52.602
...sh-should be respected.
332
00:19:53.192 --> 00:19:54.933
We respect Clarke's sister's body.
333
00:19:55.111 --> 00:19:56.522
All the chaps in the Club do.
334
00:19:56.612 --> 00:19:58.228
She can touch her ears
with her toes.
335
00:19:58.322 --> 00:19:59.654
She's double-jointed.
336
00:19:59.990 --> 00:20:01.526
Y-yes, yes, yes...
337
00:20:01.575 --> 00:20:03.737
...but, now, you see, that's
not the kind of...
338
00:20:03.786 --> 00:20:05.277
...respect I had in mind.
339
00:20:05.413 --> 00:20:07.905
No. Er, still, I don't want to
confuse you.
340
00:20:08.416 --> 00:20:09.907
That's enough for today, but, um...
341
00:20:09.959 --> 00:20:11.951
...if there's anything you're
still not clear on...
342
00:20:11.961 --> 00:20:13.623
...I mean, please feel free to, uh...
343
00:20:13.713 --> 00:20:15.830
- I don't think so.
- Good.
344
00:20:16.674 --> 00:20:17.835
Oh, yes.
345
00:20:18.551 --> 00:20:19.551
What?
346
00:20:19.760 --> 00:20:20.967
What is a ponce?
347
00:20:21.429 --> 00:20:22.429
Ah.
348
00:20:22.888 --> 00:20:24.400
Ahh.
349
00:20:24.682 --> 00:20:26.140
I...
350
00:20:27.590 --> 00:20:29.259
...I think I can hear your mother
calling, Richard, I...
351
00:20:29.311 --> 00:20:31.351
- She probably wants to get you at it.
- She what..?
352
00:20:31.772 --> 00:20:33.479
There's a whole crowd coming tonight.
353
00:20:36.260 --> 00:20:38.609
'Ere, you tryin' to slag
my bloody bird?
354
00:20:38.696 --> 00:20:40.280
Get bloody knotted!
355
00:20:40.406 --> 00:20:43.230
But this is madness. I mean, all these
people - I mean...
356
00:20:43.750 --> 00:20:44.803
...talk about fetching a
sledgehammer to crack a nut.
357
00:20:44.827 --> 00:20:46.284
Yes, well, I've been proved right.
358
00:20:46.370 --> 00:20:48.703
We've seen it in our own home,
with our own child.
359
00:20:48.748 --> 00:20:50.489
Well, I, I, I talked to Richard.
360
00:20:50.583 --> 00:20:52.519
I talked to him. There's nothing
wrong in what he did.
361
00:20:52.543 --> 00:20:54.340
I did far worse things at his age.
362
00:20:54.860 --> 00:20:55.543
I was filthy!
363
00:20:55.629 --> 00:20:57.291
He's still being corrupted.
364
00:20:57.381 --> 00:21:00.124
It is our duty to help prevent that
corruption from proliferating.
365
00:21:00.134 --> 00:21:01.796
Look, Liz, I've got work to do.
366
00:21:01.844 --> 00:21:03.801
Do you realise I've been
put in sole charge of...
367
00:21:03.846 --> 00:21:05.678
Ooh!
368
00:21:21.781 --> 00:21:23.613
C'mon, then, darlin'.
369
00:21:23.657 --> 00:21:25.944
- Oh, stop it, Ern.
- Why?
370
00:21:26.160 --> 00:21:28.368
- Well, not 'ere.
- Why not?
371
00:21:28.454 --> 00:21:30.696
- Well, people might see.
- People?
372
00:21:31.290 --> 00:21:32.809
... the people!
373
00:21:36.462 --> 00:21:38.875
I'd just like to get that boy
into my Scout troop.
374
00:21:40.382 --> 00:21:42.749
Most of the gang have a bang Saturday.
375
00:21:42.885 --> 00:21:45.200
I mean, what else is there
to bloody do?
376
00:21:45.179 --> 00:21:47.110
It's not for stirring your tea with!
377
00:21:48.390 --> 00:21:51.530
Let's face it - we're all the same.
378
00:21:51.101 --> 00:21:53.580
We're all randy bastards.
379
00:21:53.729 --> 00:21:54.890
Did you get that one, Maud?
380
00:21:54.939 --> 00:21:57.272
- Yes, which column?
- "Bastard", dear.
381
00:21:57.483 --> 00:22:00.317
That's fifteen "bloodys" and
five "bastards".
382
00:22:00.653 --> 00:22:02.190
I only counted four.
383
00:22:02.154 --> 00:22:04.314
There were five - don't you remember,
at the beginning?
384
00:22:04.365 --> 00:22:05.981
That was "bedstead".
385
00:22:06.325 --> 00:22:08.567
Oh. Thank you, Daddy.
386
00:22:08.869 --> 00:22:11.770
I wondered what
a "brass bastard" was.
387
00:22:12.915 --> 00:22:15.770
Well, I suppose that's some
kind of symbolism.
388
00:22:23.425 --> 00:22:28.110
"Think dirty, ah-ah"...
389
00:22:28.180 --> 00:22:30.120
I think he loves me.
390
00:22:30.307 --> 00:22:32.799
Well, he fancies me, anyway.
391
00:22:33.519 --> 00:22:36.808
Still, I suppose we
will get married one day.
392
00:22:37.398 --> 00:22:39.198
Only we can't at the moment.
393
00:22:39.233 --> 00:22:41.233
We're saving up for the abortion.
394
00:22:43.700 --> 00:22:44.950
Stuff marriage for a lark.
395
00:22:45.447 --> 00:22:48.567
Everyone goes on about
love, the vicar and Dad, an' that.
396
00:22:49.760 --> 00:22:51.236
I don't know anythin' about love.
397
00:22:51.453 --> 00:22:52.806
But I know what I like.
398
00:22:52.830 --> 00:22:55.243
He likes McLaughlin's porridge!
399
00:22:55.499 --> 00:22:57.957
Remember, McLaughlin's porridge...
400
00:22:58.200 --> 00:23:00.961
...and you, too, can be
a randy bastard.
401
00:23:01.463 --> 00:23:06.254
Statistics show nine out
of ten randy bastards prefer McLaughlin's.
402
00:23:06.343 --> 00:23:07.903
I think that speaks for itself.
403
00:23:07.970 --> 00:23:09.860
Very nasty.
404
00:23:09.179 --> 00:23:10.966
- The director's sight must...
- Disgusting.
405
00:23:11.150 --> 00:23:12.881
And I only hope the Queen wasn't watching.
406
00:23:12.933 --> 00:23:15.971
Oh, I shouldn't think so, darling.
There's showjumping on the other channel.
407
00:23:16.103 --> 00:23:17.935
I didn't think it was very... healthy.
408
00:23:18.630 --> 00:23:19.645
- Did you, Teddy?
- No, no.
409
00:23:19.690 --> 00:23:21.220
Never is.
Not on a rubbish dump.
410
00:23:21.660 --> 00:23:23.378
- I mean, it's cold enough to freeze...
- Erm, there's plenty of tea for anyone...
411
00:23:23.402 --> 00:23:25.894
- ...who fancies it.
- Thank you, Liz.
412
00:23:26.447 --> 00:23:29.440
Now, Mr Brown, I don't think you've
really met everybody.
413
00:23:29.491 --> 00:23:31.733
- Er, Arthur and Hetty.
- Hullo, Arthur...
414
00:23:31.994 --> 00:23:33.951
- ...Hetty.
- Leonard, his daughter, Maud.
415
00:23:33.954 --> 00:23:34.819
Hello, Leonard and his daughter Maud.
416
00:23:34.872 --> 00:23:36.704
Er, Colonel Belper.
417
00:23:36.957 --> 00:23:38.823
- Our, er, militant.
- How d'you do.
418
00:23:38.876 --> 00:23:40.830
- Hello, militant.
- And, er...
419
00:23:40.127 --> 00:23:42.390
...I hope you'll call me Geoff...
420
00:23:42.870 --> 00:23:43.870
...old chum.
421
00:23:43.255 --> 00:23:46.214
Hello, Geoff... old chum.
422
00:23:47.217 --> 00:23:49.880
Look, I think we've got to move
immediately on this one.
423
00:23:50.220 --> 00:23:52.212
Degrading and un-English. Right?
424
00:23:52.389 --> 00:23:53.505
- Rather.
- Ah, super.
425
00:23:53.682 --> 00:23:56.722
Erm, I think that's the feeling of the meeting.
And I think we should also...
426
00:23:56.769 --> 00:24:01.889
...bear down on the
sex-before-marriage emphasis.
427
00:24:02.691 --> 00:24:03.898
Agreed, Liz?
428
00:24:04.276 --> 00:24:08.737
Oh, well, yes, I don't think that
should be... encouraged.
429
00:24:09.310 --> 00:24:12.820
Right. Then, "Degrading and un-English
sex before marriage" it is.
430
00:24:13.160 --> 00:24:14.822
- Will you call Trufitt?
- Mmm-hmm.
431
00:24:24.838 --> 00:24:25.999
- May I?
- Oh.
432
00:24:26.131 --> 00:24:28.168
Be my guest.
433
00:24:30.427 --> 00:24:32.589
- Who are you calling, the Vatican?
- Our MP.
434
00:24:32.721 --> 00:24:34.587
Good chap. Right behind us.
435
00:24:34.640 --> 00:24:36.723
Our vice-president.
Maud...
436
00:24:36.976 --> 00:24:40.811
- ...the usual letter to the BBC Board of Governors.
- Certainly, Colonel.
437
00:24:41.105 --> 00:24:42.892
And the Archbishop; and The Times.
438
00:24:43.230 --> 00:24:44.889
That's your department, Arthur and Hetty.
439
00:24:45.693 --> 00:24:48.436
You see? It's a question
of organisation.
440
00:24:48.654 --> 00:24:52.443
Making the voice of decency
and normality heard.
441
00:24:53.659 --> 00:24:54.659
Mellish here.
442
00:24:54.868 --> 00:24:56.609
England Clean, England Strong.
443
00:24:56.745 --> 00:25:00.864
Yes. Now, look, it's about that effort
on the television tonight.
444
00:25:02.100 --> 00:25:05.460
Yes, the moral fibre of our island race...
yes, yes, I know the form, yes.
445
00:25:07.339 --> 00:25:10.628
Oh, don't worry. I shall come down heavily
on pre-marital intercourse.
446
00:25:11.760 --> 00:25:12.760
Oh, goodnight.
447
00:25:14.388 --> 00:25:15.388
Now...
448
00:25:15.889 --> 00:25:17.255
...where were we, Elvira?
449
00:25:17.391 --> 00:25:20.429
My name's Janine, Mr Trufitt, sir.
450
00:25:21.311 --> 00:25:23.143
Well, don't let split hairs.
451
00:25:24.189 --> 00:25:25.396
He fancies you, you know?
452
00:25:25.816 --> 00:25:27.398
- Who?
- Geoff.
453
00:25:28.235 --> 00:25:30.670
That long, thin streak of holy water.
454
00:25:30.487 --> 00:25:32.690
Oh, Teddy, he's a priest.
455
00:25:32.281 --> 00:25:34.220
So was Rasputin.
456
00:25:34.740 --> 00:25:36.310
Just because he's masculine and...
457
00:25:36.760 --> 00:25:38.614
...the athletic type, and those nice,
white teeth.
458
00:25:39.580 --> 00:25:40.616
What did you say?
459
00:25:41.810 --> 00:25:43.994
Never mind. I'll, er...
tick it off on Maud's list.
460
00:25:44.209 --> 00:25:45.996
Tick 'em both off, they come in pairs.
461
00:25:46.503 --> 00:25:47.943
You didn't like any of them,
did you?
462
00:25:48.500 --> 00:25:51.169
Well, they're not exactly the
"fun people". I mean...
463
00:25:51.341 --> 00:25:53.778
- ...if you really want to know what I think, Liz...
- It doesn't matter what we think of them...
464
00:25:53.802 --> 00:25:57.910
...personally. It's what they're trying to
do that's important.
465
00:25:57.848 --> 00:25:58.884
Important?
466
00:26:00.392 --> 00:26:02.884
Are those the... sacred writings?
467
00:26:04.630 --> 00:26:07.602
It's the Society's petition. I've promised
to get fifty signatures for it.
468
00:26:08.650 --> 00:26:12.690
"We, the undersigned, are increasingly disturbed
by the amount of programmes on television"...
469
00:26:12.863 --> 00:26:15.401
..."whose tendencies are
licentious, salacious"...
470
00:26:15.574 --> 00:26:18.157
..."blasphemous, lascivious and purient."
471
00:26:18.285 --> 00:26:19.651
Prurient.
472
00:26:21.538 --> 00:26:22.538
So it is.
473
00:26:22.998 --> 00:26:24.739
"Prurient". What's it mean?
474
00:26:25.209 --> 00:26:27.970
I dunno. You're the one that's
collecting fifty signatures against it.
475
00:26:34.900 --> 00:26:36.626
- Do we even know fifty people?
- You don't have to.
476
00:26:36.762 --> 00:26:38.719
I'm going to canvas from door to door.
477
00:26:39.140 --> 00:26:40.140
Ooh-hoo. Door to door.
478
00:26:42.476 --> 00:26:43.887
Liz, Liz.
479
00:26:49.240 --> 00:26:51.232
'Ow about a slice of the ol'
prurient then, eh, darlin'?
480
00:26:51.276 --> 00:26:53.630
Eh? 'Ow about it, now, darlin'? 'Ow
about a slice of the...
481
00:26:53.654 --> 00:26:55.611
- Teddy!
- Fancy a bit of the prurient?
482
00:26:55.864 --> 00:26:57.605
No, not... not...
483
00:26:57.658 --> 00:26:59.240
Not tonight.
484
00:27:02.538 --> 00:27:03.538
Tired?
485
00:27:03.872 --> 00:27:05.909
No, it's not that, it's...
486
00:27:06.792 --> 00:27:08.832
If we're going to do this thing
properly, darling...
487
00:27:09.711 --> 00:27:11.623
...I think... well...
488
00:27:11.880 --> 00:27:14.463
...I think it's got to be reflected
from within ourselves...
489
00:27:15.217 --> 00:27:16.217
..as well.
490
00:27:16.260 --> 00:27:18.100
- I mean...
- Look, love, it...
491
00:27:18.637 --> 00:27:20.549
It's pre-marital they're talking about.
492
00:27:21.560 --> 00:27:24.470
Pre-marital. I mean, post-marital
is all right. Fine. Lovely.
493
00:27:25.102 --> 00:27:26.468
Even the Queen does that!
494
00:27:32.250 --> 00:27:35.268
"Think dirty."
495
00:27:39.908 --> 00:27:42.946
"Think dirty."
496
00:28:32.336 --> 00:28:33.336
Ooh!
497
00:28:38.175 --> 00:28:40.713
"Think dirty."
498
00:28:42.179 --> 00:28:45.422
"Think dirty."
499
00:28:52.439 --> 00:28:54.647
"In the mountains of Macedonia"...
500
00:28:54.775 --> 00:28:57.688
..."where porridge is the staple diet
of the picturesque"...
501
00:28:57.778 --> 00:29:01.397
..."nomad tribes, it's not
unusual for virility"...
502
00:29:01.406 --> 00:29:03.944
..."to continue to a ripe old age."
503
00:29:04.201 --> 00:29:05.942
"What Macedonia can do"...
504
00:29:06.119 --> 00:29:08.327
..."McLaughlin's has done better."
505
00:29:08.872 --> 00:29:13.370
"Yes, bonnie girls and bonnie boys"...
506
00:29:13.126 --> 00:29:19.544
..."eat McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge."
507
00:29:23.720 --> 00:29:25.256
All right, Frank, hit me.
508
00:29:27.391 --> 00:29:30.225
What I read in that - and correct me
if I'm off-beam...
509
00:29:30.394 --> 00:29:32.977
...the general motivational concept
that I detected there...
510
00:29:33.630 --> 00:29:36.227
...deduced - intuited, perhaps - was...
511
00:29:36.316 --> 00:29:38.649
...and don't hesitate to
shoot me down if I'm wrong...
512
00:29:40.700 --> 00:29:41.700
...sex?
513
00:29:41.947 --> 00:29:45.486
Teddy... Teddy, what can you do with a
guy like this, huh?
514
00:29:45.617 --> 00:29:47.358
I dunno. You work.
515
00:29:47.577 --> 00:29:49.990
You research.
You conceptualise.
516
00:29:50.455 --> 00:29:51.991
And, pow! He walks in...
517
00:29:52.400 --> 00:29:54.453
...and lands smack dab in the
middle of the target.
518
00:29:54.501 --> 00:29:56.959
Was it, was it really so
obvious, Frank?
519
00:29:57.254 --> 00:30:00.918
- I mean, would the great mass of ordinary people..?
- No, no.
520
00:30:01.800 --> 00:30:02.544
No, I don't think THEY would.
521
00:30:02.968 --> 00:30:04.834
I just happen to have this...
522
00:30:05.304 --> 00:30:06.715
So you like it, huh?
523
00:30:07.389 --> 00:30:09.510
Well, in principle.
524
00:30:09.516 --> 00:30:11.883
Sex as a function for rationalising the...
525
00:30:11.977 --> 00:30:14.600
...frozen porridge-buying
mechanism, yes.
526
00:30:14.438 --> 00:30:16.771
That has got a visionary quality.
527
00:30:16.940 --> 00:30:19.603
- Thank you.
- But, specifically, not enough yoomph.
528
00:30:19.901 --> 00:30:22.109
- Not enough..?
- Yoomph.
529
00:30:22.279 --> 00:30:23.736
- Y-double-O-M-P-H.
- Yes, yes.
530
00:30:23.905 --> 00:30:26.113
And I use the word in its
testicular sense.
531
00:30:26.199 --> 00:30:26.734
Ah.
532
00:30:27.340 --> 00:30:29.321
What we need is that - but more.
533
00:30:29.494 --> 00:30:31.326
You understand? An equivalent...
534
00:30:31.663 --> 00:30:32.904
...but superior.
535
00:30:33.290 --> 00:30:35.282
Are you getting all this, Teddy?
It's invaluable.
536
00:30:35.459 --> 00:30:38.952
Yeah, look, Mr Chandler, I think maybe
you've got the wrong guy for the job.
537
00:30:39.296 --> 00:30:40.958
Nat! You assured me.
538
00:30:41.340 --> 00:30:42.956
"Wrong guy for the job"!?
539
00:30:42.966 --> 00:30:47.301
He's kidding you, he's putting you...
540
00:30:47.429 --> 00:30:49.295
Aren't they all the same, Frank?
541
00:30:49.806 --> 00:30:52.298
I mean, these really
ballsy ones, huh?
542
00:30:52.476 --> 00:30:54.934
I mean, your true studs.
543
00:30:55.187 --> 00:30:59.602
The strange diffidence. I'm tellin' ya, this kid
reminds me so much of me...
544
00:30:59.691 --> 00:31:02.308
...it's... and may I say it, Frank...
545
00:31:04.237 --> 00:31:05.237
...of you.
546
00:31:05.989 --> 00:31:07.776
And she just walked out on you?
547
00:31:08.575 --> 00:31:11.864
Mrs Brown, I'm sorry, you'll have to elaborate.
I don't like mysteries.
548
00:31:12.162 --> 00:31:14.199
It's not a mystery, it was just...
549
00:31:14.247 --> 00:31:15.829
...a misunderstanding.
550
00:31:15.957 --> 00:31:20.760
Mrs Levin, I was recommended to you by the
mother of one of my son's school friends.
551
00:31:20.337 --> 00:31:21.337
Mrs Rubens.
552
00:31:21.546 --> 00:31:23.538
Oh, Mrs Rubens!
553
00:31:23.673 --> 00:31:26.131
Such a nice woman. A lady.
554
00:31:26.218 --> 00:31:28.961
And her husband a dentist.
What a clever man.
555
00:31:29.120 --> 00:31:31.470
I wouldn't put my teeth in
anybody else's hands.
556
00:31:31.807 --> 00:31:35.175
So... particulars, please.
557
00:31:35.352 --> 00:31:37.912
- Well, the sort of girl I'm looking fo...
- If you don't mind...
558
00:31:38.271 --> 00:31:40.388
...not about her - you.
559
00:31:41.191 --> 00:31:45.260
I have to be very careful the sort of
homes my au pair girls go into.
560
00:31:45.404 --> 00:31:47.566
What part, for instance,
are you living?
561
00:31:47.739 --> 00:31:48.946
Florian Avenue.
562
00:31:49.449 --> 00:31:50.449
I know it.
563
00:31:51.159 --> 00:31:54.243
Quite pleasant. Not marvellous,
but if you're happy...
564
00:31:54.621 --> 00:31:56.578
For myself, I prefer Loxley Way.
565
00:31:57.249 --> 00:31:59.810
- Bedrooms?
- Of course.
566
00:31:59.459 --> 00:32:01.750
- How many?
- Four.
567
00:32:01.962 --> 00:32:03.373
Plus the girl's?
568
00:32:04.631 --> 00:32:05.917
Including the girl's.
569
00:32:06.675 --> 00:32:08.416
And her quarters are comfortable?
570
00:32:08.677 --> 00:32:11.886
Oh, well, it's not exactly "quarters".
A quarter.
571
00:32:13.598 --> 00:32:14.598
A bedroom.
572
00:32:15.225 --> 00:32:18.309
And, and we've only got one
child, Richard. He's eleven, but...
573
00:32:18.478 --> 00:32:20.219
- ...really no trouble.
- Only one child?
574
00:32:20.272 --> 00:32:22.730
Tell me, more you don't want
or you can't manage?
575
00:32:23.525 --> 00:32:25.608
We manage very nicely.
576
00:32:25.861 --> 00:32:27.853
I have to ask - you must understand.
577
00:32:28.447 --> 00:32:31.940
I do only a very superior
type of girl from here.
578
00:32:32.284 --> 00:32:35.152
It's a responsibility, the right
homes for them.
579
00:32:35.912 --> 00:32:36.912
Mrs Brown...
580
00:32:37.581 --> 00:32:41.325
...if I was to tell you,
you wouldn't believe.
581
00:32:41.877 --> 00:32:46.713
If you knew the type of situation an
au pair girl can get herself into...
582
00:32:58.393 --> 00:33:00.851
GO AWAY! GET AWAY!
583
00:33:01.521 --> 00:33:02.807
NO!
584
00:33:04.191 --> 00:33:06.570
Leave me alone!
585
00:33:06.151 --> 00:33:08.630
Leave me! GET AWAY!
586
00:33:16.411 --> 00:33:20.701
"Think dirty."
587
00:33:27.214 --> 00:33:28.625
Not yet, Otto.
588
00:33:28.882 --> 00:33:31.295
I'll tell you when, my beauty.
589
00:33:33.110 --> 00:33:36.220
Back. Back.
590
00:33:46.240 --> 00:33:47.481
To your quarters.
591
00:33:57.827 --> 00:34:00.695
He's a brutish animal, my dear...
592
00:34:00.914 --> 00:34:02.655
...but loyal. Come.
593
00:34:03.250 --> 00:34:04.250
Come...
594
00:34:04.334 --> 00:34:07.293
...you can make an old vampire
very happy, my dear.
595
00:34:07.379 --> 00:34:08.390
NO!
596
00:34:08.880 --> 00:34:10.330
Ah! You find me repulsive,
do you?
597
00:34:11.132 --> 00:34:14.591
I've something here which'll soon
make you change your mind.
598
00:34:21.351 --> 00:34:24.640
One taste of this and you'll be
panting for me touch.
599
00:34:29.859 --> 00:34:34.149
McLaughlin's... the monster-sized
family breakfast.
600
00:34:34.197 --> 00:34:35.197
Mmmmm.
601
00:34:35.824 --> 00:34:37.565
Bloody good!
602
00:34:41.121 --> 00:34:43.363
Think that's all we need.
603
00:34:45.584 --> 00:34:46.290
Hang on!
604
00:34:46.334 --> 00:34:48.291
What d'you think you're doing?
605
00:34:48.461 --> 00:34:50.770
I was just enjoying that.
606
00:34:51.381 --> 00:34:52.381
Enjoying?
607
00:34:52.549 --> 00:34:54.256
Don't be childish, Teddy!
608
00:34:54.342 --> 00:34:56.237
Wh-what you mean, "childish"?
He was just about...
609
00:34:56.261 --> 00:34:58.253
It was just getting to the most
exciting part.
610
00:34:59.472 --> 00:35:01.200
Why can't the Committee go and
watch it at your house?
611
00:35:01.224 --> 00:35:04.240
I haven't got a set. Wouldn't have one of
the damn things in the house.
612
00:35:04.227 --> 00:35:08.688
None of us has. Quite apart from the
moral dangers, we do feel that it, er...
613
00:35:08.982 --> 00:35:10.564
...kills the art of conversation.
614
00:35:10.984 --> 00:35:12.920
- Well, isn't that bloody marvellous, eh?
- Teddy!
615
00:35:12.944 --> 00:35:14.984
No, no. that's all right.
Do converse, by all means.
616
00:35:15.300 --> 00:35:16.737
I'll withdraw. Don't worry.
617
00:35:16.990 --> 00:35:19.357
Excuse me, old chum.
618
00:35:21.494 --> 00:35:22.154
Oh..!
619
00:35:22.203 --> 00:35:25.321
Right, then. Maud - the usual letter
to the Archbishop.
620
00:35:25.749 --> 00:35:27.706
And this time, one to the Chief Rabbi, too.
621
00:35:27.792 --> 00:35:29.283
Might as well conscript the Yids.
622
00:35:29.336 --> 00:35:30.747
It shall be done, Colonel.
623
00:35:30.837 --> 00:35:33.875
Arthur, Hetty - Director General
of the BBC...
624
00:35:33.923 --> 00:35:36.400
...Postmaster General, House of Lords.
625
00:35:36.920 --> 00:35:38.490
- Mellish?
- I'm onto it, old chum.
626
00:35:38.386 --> 00:35:40.930
What's the emphasis, then?
627
00:35:40.639 --> 00:35:43.598
- Sadism?
- Outright sadistic ripping off of clothes...
628
00:35:43.725 --> 00:35:46.342
...and exposing of flesh of a
tied-up girl...
629
00:35:46.978 --> 00:35:48.310
...struggling...
630
00:35:48.897 --> 00:35:50.308
...quivering...
631
00:35:51.149 --> 00:35:52.310
...helpless.
632
00:35:53.777 --> 00:35:54.563
Oh, hello.
633
00:35:54.778 --> 00:35:55.985
It's Mellish here.
634
00:35:56.863 --> 00:35:57.979
Salacious what?
635
00:35:59.157 --> 00:36:00.157
Oh.
636
00:36:00.742 --> 00:36:03.200
Well, yes, yes - of course it's
serious, yes.
637
00:36:04.245 --> 00:36:05.326
No, no, no, don't worry.
638
00:36:05.914 --> 00:36:07.325
I know the drill.
639
00:36:09.334 --> 00:36:10.916
Oh, goodnight, goodnight.
640
00:36:14.890 --> 00:36:15.671
Sorry about that, Elvira.
641
00:36:16.910 --> 00:36:18.299
But my name's Rosie,
Mr Trufitt.
642
00:36:18.510 --> 00:36:20.297
Oh, shut up.
643
00:36:21.429 --> 00:36:23.386
- You behaved disgustingly tonight.
- Mmm-hmm.
644
00:36:23.765 --> 00:36:25.381
- It was quite unforgiveable.
- Good.
645
00:36:25.475 --> 00:36:27.683
Everybody was extrememly
embarrassed and upset.
646
00:36:27.769 --> 00:36:29.260
The evening hasn't been a dead loss.
647
00:36:30.980 --> 00:36:33.973
If films like that get an X-certificate
at the cinema, how can they...
648
00:36:34.250 --> 00:36:36.337
...possibly be shown on television,
where there are children...
649
00:36:36.361 --> 00:36:37.772
For God's sake, Liz.
650
00:36:38.488 --> 00:36:40.946
They're just fairy tales.
That's all horror films are.
651
00:36:41.320 --> 00:36:42.148
Children love 'em.
652
00:36:42.409 --> 00:36:44.526
I mean, it's like trying to
censor Goldilocks.
653
00:36:44.786 --> 00:36:45.786
Well...
654
00:36:46.621 --> 00:36:47.782
...as it happens...
655
00:36:48.810 --> 00:36:49.641
...Leonard and Maud did publish a book.
656
00:36:50.410 --> 00:36:51.953
They called it "Revised Children's Stories".
657
00:36:52.252 --> 00:36:54.995
- Taking the doubtful elements out.
- Out of Goldilocks!?
658
00:36:55.296 --> 00:36:56.912
I don't believe it!
659
00:36:58.591 --> 00:37:00.958
- I love it!
- It's all very well to sneer.
660
00:37:01.428 --> 00:37:03.465
But when you think about Goldilocks...
661
00:37:06.433 --> 00:37:09.517
...bed business... small girl...
662
00:37:09.602 --> 00:37:11.685
- Small girl.
- ...even the very word.
663
00:37:12.439 --> 00:37:13.680
- "Bear".
- "Bear"?
664
00:37:15.660 --> 00:37:17.729
Bed. Small girl. Animals.
665
00:37:18.570 --> 00:37:19.570
Small girl?
666
00:37:19.738 --> 00:37:20.738
Bed?
667
00:37:20.989 --> 00:37:21.989
Goldilocks.
668
00:37:22.866 --> 00:37:23.902
Goldilocks!
669
00:37:23.950 --> 00:37:28.570
"Goldilocks..."
670
00:37:29.581 --> 00:37:34.167
"Goldilocks."
671
00:37:34.961 --> 00:37:38.796
That's it! That's it! That's it! Ha, ha, ha!
Goldilocks does it!
672
00:37:39.340 --> 00:37:41.457
Oh, she doesn't.
673
00:37:42.802 --> 00:37:46.421
Who's been eating my porridge?
674
00:37:48.308 --> 00:37:52.928
Who's been sitting in my chair?
675
00:37:54.647 --> 00:37:58.982
Who's been sleeping in my bed?
676
00:38:01.362 --> 00:38:04.901
It's GOLDILOCKS!
677
00:38:04.949 --> 00:38:06.690
That's it, Bernard, thank you.
678
00:38:09.370 --> 00:38:09.743
Well, now...
679
00:38:10.380 --> 00:38:13.907
...that's the synopsis Literary Department did
for us on the basic Goldilocks plot.
680
00:38:15.919 --> 00:38:17.330
I think it's lovely.
681
00:38:18.463 --> 00:38:20.450
Um... sure.
682
00:38:20.507 --> 00:38:23.716
Uh, however, Teddy here has had
two psychiatrists and...
683
00:38:23.760 --> 00:38:26.503
...four sexual researchers do
a complete analysis on it.
684
00:38:26.679 --> 00:38:29.547
According to them, Frank, the story's
fundamentally... filthy.
685
00:38:29.724 --> 00:38:30.805
Oh, no!
686
00:38:31.142 --> 00:38:33.537
- I never realised.
- Well, why do you think that fairytale's...
687
00:38:33.561 --> 00:38:35.928
...been around so long, Frank?
Goldilocks is a hit.
688
00:38:36.189 --> 00:38:38.550
If you grub around in its
erotic undertones.
689
00:38:38.107 --> 00:38:39.769
I mean, those bears are as
kinky as hell.
690
00:38:39.901 --> 00:38:42.439
- Oh, they're not!
- How about this for over-reaction.
691
00:38:42.529 --> 00:38:43.690
Need any more convincing?
692
00:38:43.822 --> 00:38:46.109
- I think we're on course!
- You bet we are.
693
00:38:46.157 --> 00:38:48.945
And every word of my research
confirms it. Teddy typed it up.
694
00:38:49.350 --> 00:38:52.153
Make something of Goldilocks, you're
onto a sexual gold mine.
695
00:38:52.705 --> 00:38:53.705
Brown.
696
00:38:54.499 --> 00:38:55.910
All systems go.
697
00:38:56.251 --> 00:38:58.288
Laughlin's Porridge one, take eighteen.
698
00:38:59.754 --> 00:39:00.754
Action!
699
00:39:03.216 --> 00:39:05.629
Who's been eating my porridge?
700
00:39:07.887 --> 00:39:10.470
I 'ave, Goldilocks, an' it's great!
701
00:39:11.516 --> 00:39:12.516
Cut it!
702
00:39:13.560 --> 00:39:15.142
Well, what's the matter with that one?
703
00:39:15.395 --> 00:39:16.622
Fought it seemed quite natural.
704
00:39:16.646 --> 00:39:18.541
- Kill the red light.
- What?
705
00:39:18.565 --> 00:39:20.306
Get another two.
706
00:39:20.358 --> 00:39:21.358
Get another two.
707
00:39:22.318 --> 00:39:24.685
Who's been eating my porridge?
708
00:39:24.863 --> 00:39:26.983
I have, Goldilocks, and it's great.
709
00:39:27.615 --> 00:39:28.615
Cut!
710
00:39:28.825 --> 00:39:30.745
What was wrong with that, sweet?
Was I too butch?
711
00:39:31.119 --> 00:39:33.327
- Two bells a moment, please.
- Teddy...
712
00:39:33.788 --> 00:39:35.780
...get another two.
713
00:39:48.678 --> 00:39:51.967
Who's been eating my... porridge?
714
00:39:54.517 --> 00:39:56.179
I have, Goldilocks.
715
00:39:56.269 --> 00:40:01.640
- And it's great.
- "Yes, bonnie girls and bonnie boys"...
716
00:40:01.983 --> 00:40:07.195
..."eat McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge."
717
00:40:14.287 --> 00:40:15.528
Well, Mr McLaughlin?
718
00:40:21.377 --> 00:40:22.663
Uh, if I may...
719
00:40:27.800 --> 00:40:28.374
Let the wee fella tell me.
720
00:40:29.385 --> 00:40:30.385
Sure. Well...
721
00:40:30.428 --> 00:40:32.215
...you see, it's, ah...
722
00:40:33.560 --> 00:40:35.298
...Make Porridge Sexy.
723
00:40:37.310 --> 00:40:38.310
That, that's all.
724
00:40:40.396 --> 00:40:41.396
That's all.
725
00:40:41.940 --> 00:40:42.940
"Sexy".
726
00:40:43.566 --> 00:40:44.773
Mah porridge!
727
00:40:45.193 --> 00:40:46.775
Aye.
728
00:40:47.111 --> 00:40:48.111
Sexy?!
729
00:40:51.532 --> 00:40:52.532
These?
730
00:40:52.909 --> 00:40:55.822
They're about as sexy as the
Loch Ness Monster.
731
00:40:59.582 --> 00:41:00.663
Wee man...
732
00:41:00.875 --> 00:41:03.242
...I want a Goldilocks who's REAL sexy.
733
00:41:03.753 --> 00:41:07.838
I want a lass that'll scorch the sporran
off a dead Highlander.
734
00:41:11.552 --> 00:41:12.821
Well, we could run a competition.
735
00:41:12.845 --> 00:41:15.132
- Competition?
- A competiton, yes.
736
00:41:15.181 --> 00:41:18.845
- Yes, a nationwide competition!
- Ah, ha, ha! Entry fee...
737
00:41:18.851 --> 00:41:20.968
- ...one McLaughlin's box top.
- Twa.
738
00:41:20.979 --> 00:41:21.685
- Twa?
- What?!
739
00:41:21.729 --> 00:41:23.561
- Two.
- I... Oh, twa.
740
00:41:23.815 --> 00:41:26.273
- Yes.
- Are YOU the McLaughlin's Goldilocks girl?
741
00:41:26.317 --> 00:41:28.450
We'll comb the whole of England.
- Ah, ha, ha, ha!
742
00:41:28.690 --> 00:41:29.685
- Yeah!
- What is he thinking?
743
00:41:29.737 --> 00:41:31.715
- United Kingdom.
- The United Kingdom. Let me tell you what...
744
00:41:31.739 --> 00:41:34.447
...in America, in America, it has to be oatmeal.
745
00:41:34.450 --> 00:41:36.442
It'll never sell if it's not oatmeal
in America.
746
00:41:36.953 --> 00:41:39.616
- Please remember that. It's very important...
- You.
747
00:41:39.706 --> 00:41:41.146
The wee one. Here.
748
00:41:42.208 --> 00:41:43.208
- Go.
- Ooh.
749
00:41:46.629 --> 00:41:49.212
And mind, she's to be a
bobby dazzler.
750
00:41:49.799 --> 00:41:50.799
Tall.
751
00:41:51.259 --> 00:41:52.500
Long legs.
752
00:41:52.885 --> 00:41:55.218
Long, long legs.
753
00:41:55.430 --> 00:41:59.219
Great, drowning eyes, a shine
on her hair.
754
00:41:59.350 --> 00:42:01.307
And bosoms...
755
00:42:01.436 --> 00:42:05.976
...bosoms that our wee friend here
could get buried in.
756
00:42:11.863 --> 00:42:14.710
Inga Giltenburg of Stockholm.
757
00:42:14.574 --> 00:42:16.650
From Mrs Levin.
758
00:42:16.659 --> 00:42:17.659
"Giltenburg"?
759
00:42:18.995 --> 00:42:19.995
"Giltenburg"..?
760
00:42:21.622 --> 00:42:24.615
Mount Giltenburg.
761
00:42:27.545 --> 00:42:28.661
Brown...
762
00:42:29.130 --> 00:42:30.871
...I said it would be madness...
763
00:42:30.965 --> 00:42:35.500
...to try to mount the Giltenburg
by the north route.
764
00:42:35.136 --> 00:42:39.471
Keep climbing, McLaughlin.
But whatever you do...
765
00:42:39.557 --> 00:42:41.674
...don't look down.
766
00:42:42.727 --> 00:42:44.810
I can't hang on, Brown.
767
00:42:44.854 --> 00:42:47.346
I'm slipping. Help!
768
00:42:47.899 --> 00:42:53.190
Heeelp!!
769
00:42:53.362 --> 00:42:58.198
Poor devil. Somehow, though, I think
he'd like to have gone that way.
770
00:42:58.618 --> 00:43:00.325
C'mon, man, climb!
771
00:43:00.453 --> 00:43:02.490
CLIMB!
772
00:43:08.252 --> 00:43:11.211
- Why did we do it, Brown? Why?
- Why?
773
00:43:11.255 --> 00:43:11.915
Why?!
774
00:43:12.600 --> 00:43:13.918
- Why?
- Aye, why?
775
00:43:13.966 --> 00:43:16.504
Because... it was there!
776
00:43:24.180 --> 00:43:26.305
Come in.
777
00:43:26.813 --> 00:43:27.813
Come in.
778
00:43:31.250 --> 00:43:32.561
I hope she'll work out.
779
00:43:33.861 --> 00:43:35.272
Course she will.
Why shouldn't she?
780
00:43:35.363 --> 00:43:38.197
Well, she's not exactly... demure.
781
00:43:38.991 --> 00:43:40.903
Hey, Dad - seen the new au pair?
782
00:43:41.350 --> 00:43:42.947
She's fantastic! What a dolly bird.
783
00:43:42.995 --> 00:43:43.735
Richard, eat.
784
00:43:43.913 --> 00:43:46.155
- Just wait till the Club hears about this!
- Eat!
785
00:43:49.100 --> 00:43:52.165
- It's porridge.
- Yeah.
786
00:43:52.505 --> 00:43:53.746
It's just porridge.
787
00:43:54.966 --> 00:43:56.200
"Just porridge"..?
788
00:43:56.717 --> 00:44:01.132
"Where is she?"
789
00:44:01.222 --> 00:44:02.241
Yes, where is she?
790
00:44:02.265 --> 00:44:05.258
Where's the lucky girl who's going to
be McLaughlin's Miss Goldilocks?
791
00:44:05.518 --> 00:44:06.998
Miss Goldilocks could be your wife...
792
00:44:07.103 --> 00:44:08.956
...your sister, your daughter,
your sweetheart...
793
00:44:08.980 --> 00:44:10.187
...or even the girl next door.
794
00:44:10.314 --> 00:44:12.806
As long as she's beautiful.
Simply send us a photograph...
795
00:44:12.859 --> 00:44:16.398
...along with two box tops from a packet
of McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge...
796
00:44:16.445 --> 00:44:19.358
...and help her win fame, fortune,
the prizes of a lifetime.
797
00:44:19.615 --> 00:44:23.359
Remember, McLaughlin's is
searching for... Miss Goldilocks!
798
00:44:25.329 --> 00:44:26.329
Ta, love.
799
00:44:26.372 --> 00:44:27.808
Hey, look, you didn't mind me
coming up here...
800
00:44:27.832 --> 00:44:29.118
- ...to watch that..?
- No, not at all.
801
00:44:29.125 --> 00:44:30.866
Ta. Only I've got...
802
00:44:30.960 --> 00:44:33.577
...Mellish's rat pack downstairs again
in my living room.
803
00:44:34.714 --> 00:44:35.795
Watching BBC Two.
804
00:44:36.716 --> 00:44:38.820
Oh, God. They're still at it.
805
00:44:38.467 --> 00:44:40.254
Sex in Samoa.
806
00:44:40.469 --> 00:44:42.381
Well, Maud, what's the score?
807
00:44:42.471 --> 00:44:44.383
Er, seventeen breasts.
808
00:44:44.515 --> 00:44:46.472
- Seventeen?
- Pairs, I mean.
809
00:44:47.180 --> 00:44:48.930
- Eleven thighs.
- Yes, yes.
810
00:44:48.978 --> 00:44:51.595
Fourteen lower abdomens.
811
00:44:51.856 --> 00:44:55.270
Six miscellaneous, and I couldn't
keep track of the navels.
812
00:44:55.318 --> 00:44:58.686
- I think there were about thirty.
- Thirty-seven, to be exact.
813
00:44:58.863 --> 00:45:02.402
It... er, at a rough guess.
814
00:45:02.783 --> 00:45:04.149
- Mellish?
- Mmm.
815
00:45:04.202 --> 00:45:07.570
Before I telephone I think there's
something else we ought to discuss.
816
00:45:07.705 --> 00:45:10.539
Our two delegates for the
annual conference...
817
00:45:10.583 --> 00:45:11.164
- ...this year.
- Oh!
818
00:45:11.209 --> 00:45:12.666
- Hear, hear!
- Jolly good idea.
819
00:45:20.801 --> 00:45:22.417
Would you like a Swedish chocolate?
820
00:45:22.720 --> 00:45:25.133
Uh... n-n-no, no, thanks.
821
00:45:27.141 --> 00:45:28.141
Delicioius.
822
00:45:34.148 --> 00:45:35.980
- You do not like that one?
- Oh, er...
823
00:45:36.108 --> 00:45:39.943
No, no! No, it's lov... lovely.
It, it, it's a very good likeness.
824
00:45:40.446 --> 00:45:41.446
I, I, I imagine.
825
00:45:41.781 --> 00:45:45.866
- Ha, ha, I imagine it's a good likeness, ha, ha!
- Is it because I am untired?
826
00:45:45.910 --> 00:45:48.118
Uh, er... "un-attired".
827
00:45:48.371 --> 00:45:52.240
Hmm. Only, erm, we don't go in much
for that in England, you see.
828
00:45:52.750 --> 00:45:54.958
Over here, erm, nudity...
829
00:45:55.211 --> 00:45:56.952
...stands for, um...
830
00:45:57.338 --> 00:45:58.338
...sex.
831
00:45:58.714 --> 00:46:01.331
You mean here in England
you stand for sex?
832
00:46:01.550 --> 00:46:03.712
Yee... nnuh... well...
833
00:46:03.886 --> 00:46:08.960
...ah-haah... n-not always.
834
00:46:27.368 --> 00:46:31.362
The pleasures of disporting among the
Swedish flora and fauna...
835
00:46:31.539 --> 00:46:35.408
...have been extolled by
every great Scandinavian poet...
836
00:46:35.459 --> 00:46:39.294
...novelist, composer, and
furniture designer.
837
00:46:39.588 --> 00:46:41.295
Such household names as...
838
00:46:41.340 --> 00:46:46.586
...Bjorn Bjornemann, Gunnar Nyhammer,
Bengt Jensen and Ole Klink...
839
00:46:46.679 --> 00:46:52.971
..and Karl Rutscheggrige-Gronedeljaegerenalospienbrockbandehorle the Younger.
840
00:46:53.811 --> 00:46:57.475
All have sung praises to our
verdant outdoors.
841
00:46:58.357 --> 00:46:59.751
In this Sweden...
842
00:46:59.775 --> 00:47:02.188
...untouched by war for centuries...
843
00:47:02.695 --> 00:47:06.290
...we are rightly proud of our
social services...
844
00:47:06.730 --> 00:47:11.489
...our sexual freedom, our open sandwiches,
and our suicide rate...
845
00:47:11.746 --> 00:47:14.159
...which is the highest in the world.
846
00:47:30.473 --> 00:47:31.964
Ooooh!
847
00:48:38.624 --> 00:48:40.581
Well, that settles it, then.
848
00:48:42.128 --> 00:48:44.620
And very satisfactorily,
may I add.
849
00:48:44.672 --> 00:48:46.789
Are you sure there'll be no objections
from old chum?
850
00:48:47.490 --> 00:48:48.850
Oh, I don't see why.
851
00:48:48.259 --> 00:48:50.171
Harrogate? What do you
mean, Harrogate?
852
00:48:50.261 --> 00:48:53.220
What does anybody mean?
A small Yorkshire inland resort.
853
00:48:53.347 --> 00:48:54.366
Famed for its mineral waters...
854
00:48:54.390 --> 00:48:55.742
- ...two hundred miles from London.
- Don't be cute, Liz.
855
00:48:55.766 --> 00:48:56.847
Don't be cute.
856
00:48:56.934 --> 00:48:59.734
I'm not having you traipsing two hundred
miles on your own with that...
857
00:48:59.854 --> 00:49:02.141
...sex-mad monk!
- Geoffrey is neither sex-mad...
858
00:49:02.231 --> 00:49:04.689
...nor a monk. It is only a
three-day conference.
859
00:49:04.733 --> 00:49:06.753
Richard'll be away sailing, and
Inga can look after you...
860
00:49:06.777 --> 00:49:08.296
...SO WHY ON EARTH
SHOULDN'T I GO?!
861
00:49:08.320 --> 00:49:10.403
Because... because...
862
00:49:10.406 --> 00:49:12.426
...I think you're getting in too deep
with that society.
863
00:49:12.450 --> 00:49:14.567
They're all raving mad if
you ask me.
864
00:49:14.618 --> 00:49:16.575
Ah, THEY'RE raving mad!
865
00:49:16.620 --> 00:49:18.310
- RAVING MAD!
- I think Arthur and Hetty...
866
00:49:18.380 --> 00:49:20.475
...are about the most contented and
affectionate pair I've ever met...
867
00:49:20.499 --> 00:49:22.477
...and if only more married couples
were like that...
868
00:49:22.501 --> 00:49:24.163
They're BROTHER AND SISTER.
869
00:49:24.336 --> 00:49:26.168
She's MISS Soames.
870
00:49:26.255 --> 00:49:28.167
Look at your petition, go on.
871
00:49:28.632 --> 00:49:30.168
- Oh.
- Oh.
872
00:49:34.847 --> 00:49:36.258
Oh, Liz...
873
00:49:37.892 --> 00:49:39.530
Oh, look.
874
00:49:39.310 --> 00:49:40.801
Do you have to go, Liz?
875
00:49:41.312 --> 00:49:43.429
I mean, it's been weeks since we...
876
00:49:44.648 --> 00:49:45.889
...since you and I, er...
877
00:49:48.110 --> 00:49:51.353
Look, do you realise all we do when we go
to bed, is go to sleep?
878
00:49:52.615 --> 00:49:56.484
I, I don't want to sleep with my wife.
I want to sleeeep with her.
879
00:49:56.994 --> 00:49:58.972
- Teddy, it's not because I...
- Oh, I know, I know.
880
00:49:58.996 --> 00:50:02.239
Sorry, love. I'm sorry.
It's not been easy for me, either.
881
00:50:02.666 --> 00:50:03.666
At the office.
882
00:50:04.376 --> 00:50:05.958
Having trouble with Golidlocks.
883
00:50:07.460 --> 00:50:07.786
Goldilocks?
884
00:50:08.470 --> 00:50:08.707
Who's she?
885
00:50:09.600 --> 00:50:11.464
Oh, it's some idea I got from that
nutty children's book...
886
00:50:11.509 --> 00:50:12.749
...that Leonard and Maud wrote.
887
00:50:13.100 --> 00:50:15.710
- I mean, it's a sitting duck, I couldn't...
- You mean you... Oh!
888
00:50:15.950 --> 00:50:16.114
- Of all the...
- Of all the what?
889
00:50:16.138 --> 00:50:17.178
- ...rotten things!
- What?
890
00:50:17.223 --> 00:50:18.950
- Now what will Geoffrey think?
- I don't care.
891
00:50:18.974 --> 00:50:20.994
- And what will Leonard and Maud think?
- I don't give a monkey's.
892
00:50:21.180 --> 00:50:23.260
- I don't give a monkey's!
- OH, EYEBALLS!
893
00:50:23.312 --> 00:50:25.540
- OH, NUN'S KNICKERS!
- Oh, that's nice. That's personal.
894
00:50:25.564 --> 00:50:27.918
- And the greengrocer's delivering this afternoon.
- Yes, I know.
895
00:50:27.942 --> 00:50:30.253
- You've already told me.
- And don't let Inga let the boiler go out.
896
00:50:30.277 --> 00:50:31.880
- I won't let Inga let the boiler go out.
- And if anything...
897
00:50:31.904 --> 00:50:34.508
...comes up, you can get me at...
What's the name of the hotel, Geoffrey?
898
00:50:34.532 --> 00:50:36.444
I've, er, booked us in at
the Temperance.
899
00:50:36.450 --> 00:50:38.692
- The Temperance.
- Yes, I heard.
900
00:50:39.360 --> 00:50:40.447
Without surprise.
901
00:50:40.454 --> 00:50:42.662
We'll be up that M1 in well under
two hours.
902
00:50:42.998 --> 00:50:45.810
She cruises at eighty, and loves it!
903
00:50:45.209 --> 00:50:46.436
[Does she?
904
00:50:46.460 --> 00:50:49.703
- So not to worry, old chum.
- Thanks...
905
00:50:49.797 --> 00:50:51.254
...old chum.
906
00:50:51.298 --> 00:50:53.381
Just keep your grimy hands
on the wheel...
907
00:50:53.634 --> 00:50:54.634
...old chum.
908
00:50:54.760 --> 00:50:57.298
Bye, darling. There's some cold
chicken in the fridge.
909
00:50:57.763 --> 00:50:58.844
Bye!
910
00:50:59.265 --> 00:51:01.473
Yeah... I know just how it feels.
911
00:51:01.517 --> 00:51:02.553
Hmmph.
912
00:53:18.529 --> 00:53:19.940
Are you okay?
913
00:53:20.114 --> 00:53:24.199
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm just, er... finding it
a bit difficult to concentrate on, er...
914
00:53:25.577 --> 00:53:26.237
...porridge.
915
00:53:26.495 --> 00:53:28.765
I thought you perhaps might like some.
916
00:53:28.789 --> 00:53:30.621
Er, very kind of you.
917
00:53:31.291 --> 00:53:32.998
- How many?
- Two.
918
00:53:33.335 --> 00:53:34.871
Er... no, I mean,
I don't... I mean...
919
00:53:34.920 --> 00:53:37.287
...hah! I d... I don't take any,
thank you very much.
920
00:53:38.480 --> 00:53:40.415
- Am I disturbing you?
- Huh?! Oh, no, no-err..!
921
00:53:40.467 --> 00:53:41.736
Oh, no, of course you're not...
922
00:53:41.760 --> 00:53:44.252
...disturbing me.
923
00:53:44.847 --> 00:53:46.429
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
924
00:54:32.227 --> 00:54:32.933
Inga?
925
00:54:32.978 --> 00:54:35.220
Erm... what are you doing tonight?
926
00:54:48.160 --> 00:54:50.260
- Very nice.
- What?
927
00:54:50.370 --> 00:54:51.494
- It's very nice.
- Yeah.
928
00:54:51.538 --> 00:54:52.278
Great place.
929
00:54:52.372 --> 00:54:54.768
Very groovy people. You get a lot
of showbusiness people here.
930
00:54:54.792 --> 00:54:56.749
You know, writers,
photographers, actors.
931
00:54:58.754 --> 00:55:00.791
Saw the show, baby. Loved it!
932
00:55:00.881 --> 00:55:02.420
LOVED it!
933
00:55:03.217 --> 00:55:04.217
Arthur?
934
00:55:05.761 --> 00:55:06.877
Er, we'll have our usual.
935
00:55:06.929 --> 00:55:08.795
- What?
- My name is Mario, sir.
936
00:55:08.889 --> 00:55:10.346
Arthur is my brother.
937
00:55:10.390 --> 00:55:12.382
And I don't know what
your usual is.
938
00:55:12.768 --> 00:55:14.259
My usual's away in Harrogate.
939
00:55:15.687 --> 00:55:17.519
Well, we'll have oysters.
940
00:55:18.273 --> 00:55:19.514
Two dozen.
941
00:55:19.983 --> 00:55:20.983
Each.
942
00:55:22.152 --> 00:55:22.858
Teddy..?
943
00:55:22.986 --> 00:55:25.899
- Yeah?
- Are you sure Mrs Brown will not mind?
944
00:55:25.948 --> 00:55:27.905
Geoffrey..?
945
00:55:27.991 --> 00:55:31.234
- Mmm?
- Could you go a bit slower?
946
00:55:31.995 --> 00:55:34.362
I get... car-sick.
947
00:55:38.126 --> 00:55:39.913
Geoffrey...
948
00:55:40.379 --> 00:55:41.665
...I want to go home.
949
00:55:41.839 --> 00:55:43.501
Home?
950
00:55:43.590 --> 00:55:45.877
- We're nearly there.
- I want to go home!
951
00:55:46.927 --> 00:55:49.169
Now, I just might... mmm...
yes, all right.
952
00:55:53.725 --> 00:55:54.761
He-he-hey!
953
00:55:54.977 --> 00:55:55.977
Teddy!
954
00:55:57.187 --> 00:55:58.849
- Nat!
- Teddy!
955
00:55:59.640 --> 00:56:01.602
- Nat.
- Hey, Teh-dee!
956
00:56:02.526 --> 00:56:03.607
Ha, hah!
957
00:56:03.735 --> 00:56:05.692
- Hello, Teddy!
- Nat!
958
00:56:05.696 --> 00:56:07.278
Ahh, hah!
959
00:56:07.364 --> 00:56:09.356
- How ya doin', kid?
- Great. Lovely to see you.
960
00:56:09.408 --> 00:56:11.365
Now, look, erm, Nat, do you
know Inga?
961
00:56:11.827 --> 00:56:13.363
Inga - Nat Kaplan.
962
00:56:13.370 --> 00:56:15.431
- Nat Kaplan, Inga.
- Delighted to meet you, Mr Kaplan.
963
00:56:15.455 --> 00:56:18.448
Ah, course you are, honey.
Everybody is.
964
00:56:18.750 --> 00:56:21.584
Oh, uh... heel.
965
00:56:22.629 --> 00:56:25.622
- She is a... wonderful person.
- Yeah.
966
00:56:25.674 --> 00:56:27.540
I'm sure she is. Now,
well, look, Nat...
967
00:56:28.930 --> 00:56:29.629
...GREAT seeing you. Y'know...
968
00:56:29.678 --> 00:56:31.544
...GREAT! But, er, Inga and I...
969
00:56:31.555 --> 00:56:34.389
- ...we're just going.
- SURE you're just going.
970
00:56:34.433 --> 00:56:36.150
We're ALL going!
971
00:56:36.268 --> 00:56:37.268
Everywhere!
972
00:56:37.436 --> 00:56:39.268
The Poco Poco Club.
973
00:56:39.605 --> 00:56:41.597
The Afro Dizziac.
974
00:56:41.690 --> 00:56:43.602
Lulu Lorraine's.
975
00:56:43.734 --> 00:56:44.440
Where to now?
976
00:56:44.484 --> 00:56:47.192
One-fifteen Florian Avenue.
977
00:56:47.237 --> 00:56:47.943
Hey!
978
00:56:48.113 --> 00:56:50.696
- I know that.
- You ought to, it's your house.
979
00:56:51.116 --> 00:56:51.651
What?
980
00:57:06.600 --> 00:57:07.747
Has anybody seen a bottle-opener?
981
00:57:08.592 --> 00:57:10.834
Has anybody seen a bottle-opener?
982
00:57:10.886 --> 00:57:13.720
I'm looking for a bottle-opener.
Have you seen a bottle-opener around?
983
00:57:13.960 --> 00:57:14.337
No, man.
984
00:57:17.100 --> 00:57:20.184
'Scuse me. Er, can I borrow
your beer?
985
00:57:24.900 --> 00:57:27.893
Say, kids, I have this dirty joke
I wanna tell...
986
00:57:27.903 --> 00:57:30.145
...so, uh, which one of you is the fella?
987
00:57:32.240 --> 00:57:35.278
Honey, have you heard the one
about the rabbi and the priest...
988
00:57:35.327 --> 00:57:38.115
...and the male nurse, who were
stranded on this tropical isle?
989
00:57:41.208 --> 00:57:42.744
Isn't it dangerous?
990
00:57:44.795 --> 00:57:46.252
Not when you know how.
991
00:57:48.298 --> 00:57:49.664
Say "when".
992
00:57:51.218 --> 00:57:52.218
When.
993
00:57:53.887 --> 00:57:55.253
Have you heard the one...
994
00:57:55.389 --> 00:57:58.177
...about the rabbi and the priest
and the tropic isle...
995
00:57:58.517 --> 00:58:01.550
...who are all stranded on this
male nurse?
996
00:58:02.938 --> 00:58:05.897
Ice, anybody?
997
00:58:09.152 --> 00:58:12.611
Come here, shorty.
There's a priest and a rabbi...
998
00:58:12.698 --> 00:58:16.738
...and a male nurse, and they're
trapped on this tropic island...
999
00:58:26.753 --> 00:58:27.914
C'mon, you dummy!
1000
00:58:27.963 --> 00:58:30.250
There ya go! He-he-hey!
1001
00:58:42.686 --> 00:58:44.455
- Would you like a lift?
- No, thank you, Vicar.
1002
00:58:44.479 --> 00:58:47.313
I'm in a hurry.
1003
00:58:51.987 --> 00:58:53.319
There you go, girl.
1004
00:59:50.870 --> 00:59:51.168
Say...
1005
00:59:52.964 --> 00:59:55.798
...have you ever heard the
one about the rabbi...
1006
00:59:56.259 --> 00:59:57.795
...and the priest...
1007
00:59:58.220 --> 01:00:02.681
...and the male nurse, who are
stranded on this tropic island.
1008
01:00:03.600 --> 01:00:04.600
Hmm?
1009
01:00:05.352 --> 01:00:06.352
Did you?
1010
01:00:39.469 --> 01:00:41.176
Oh..!
1011
01:00:42.889 --> 01:00:43.889
Damn!
1012
01:00:44.599 --> 01:00:45.599
Oh!
1013
01:00:47.180 --> 01:00:48.180
Oh!
1014
01:00:49.354 --> 01:00:50.515
Oh!
1015
01:01:02.750 --> 01:01:03.750
Teddy.
1016
01:01:04.244 --> 01:01:05.244
Teddy.
1017
01:01:17.340 --> 01:01:18.340
Oh.
1018
01:01:20.802 --> 01:01:21.802
Oh!
1019
01:01:22.721 --> 01:01:25.880
Oh, what are you doing?
1020
01:01:25.265 --> 01:01:27.552
I can't breathe down here!
1021
01:01:27.601 --> 01:01:29.843
- I... erm...
- Agh, you... What are you doing?!
1022
01:01:30.854 --> 01:01:33.597
So? Perfect nobody is.
1023
01:01:33.690 --> 01:01:36.603
She was IN BED with
my husband!
1024
01:01:36.902 --> 01:01:39.770
Look, for thirty shillings a week
and all found...
1025
01:01:39.905 --> 01:01:41.988
...you can't expect Mary Poppins.
1026
01:01:42.908 --> 01:01:46.777
Someone should report her to the
authorities as an UNdesirable alien.
1027
01:01:46.953 --> 01:01:50.867
"Alien" maybe, but "undesirable"
it doesn't sound like.
1028
01:01:51.249 --> 01:01:53.992
My husband was too drunk to
know what was happening.
1029
01:01:55.253 --> 01:01:58.462
- He's not used to drinking.
- I don't like the sound of...
1030
01:01:58.506 --> 01:02:00.463
...what he IS used to.
1031
01:02:00.550 --> 01:02:05.900
Mrs Levin. If I have decided to accept
my husband's explanation...
1032
01:02:05.180 --> 01:02:08.969
...the one thing I do NOT need is
anyone undermining it.
1033
01:02:09.226 --> 01:02:10.967
He personally sent her packing.
1034
01:02:11.394 --> 01:02:13.932
So all I want from you is a replacement.
1035
01:02:14.648 --> 01:02:15.666
Oh?
1036
01:02:15.690 --> 01:02:17.306
Of course you do.
1037
01:02:17.525 --> 01:02:21.394
And what's more, a replacement that
won't turn out to be a repetition of...
1038
01:02:21.988 --> 01:02:23.399
Oh, Mrs Brown.
1039
01:02:23.448 --> 01:02:26.782
I've got for you here a girl that's
like the answer to a prayer.
1040
01:02:26.910 --> 01:02:27.946
Whose prayer?
1041
01:02:27.953 --> 01:02:29.910
That you don't have to worry.
When I tell you...
1042
01:02:30.455 --> 01:02:34.916
...that in her last situation she broke
the husband's arm in four places.
1043
01:02:35.585 --> 01:02:37.247
That sounds perfect.
1044
01:03:03.738 --> 01:03:05.980
Mum! They've landed!
1045
01:03:14.400 --> 01:03:15.760
Mrs Brown?
1046
01:03:16.167 --> 01:03:17.328
Lotte von Gelbstein.
1047
01:03:18.211 --> 01:03:19.622
Oh. Hello.
1048
01:03:20.505 --> 01:03:21.505
Er, come in.
1049
01:03:21.715 --> 01:03:24.332
Er, you must forgive Richard.
He thinks you're from Mars.
1050
01:03:24.718 --> 01:03:25.925
No. Hamburg.
1051
01:03:27.220 --> 01:03:28.961
Oh, I see - is a joke.
1052
01:03:30.980 --> 01:03:31.134
Would you like some tea?
1053
01:03:31.391 --> 01:03:32.598
No, coffee, please.
1054
01:03:32.976 --> 01:03:34.933
Do you mind instant?
No. I like instant.
1055
01:03:36.229 --> 01:03:38.471
06:00 every morning, I rise.
1056
01:03:38.648 --> 01:03:40.810
And work will begin at 06:30.
1057
01:03:41.776 --> 01:03:42.983
I will not disturb you...
1058
01:03:43.320 --> 01:03:45.437
...but will carry out my duties
until midday.
1059
01:03:45.488 --> 01:03:46.757
Hello, dependants...
1060
01:03:46.781 --> 01:03:48.210
- However...
- ...I'm home. I...
1061
01:03:49.659 --> 01:03:50.659
Good evening.
1062
01:03:52.620 --> 01:03:55.328
- Herr Brown? Lotte von Gelbstein.
- Yes.
1063
01:03:55.790 --> 01:03:56.997
That's nice.
1064
01:03:57.500 --> 01:03:59.412
I am outlining my work system.
1065
01:04:00.670 --> 01:04:02.457
Er, Lotte's our new au pair.
1066
01:04:02.714 --> 01:04:04.455
Oh... good.
1067
01:04:04.841 --> 01:04:06.173
- Please sit.
- Thank you.
1068
01:04:06.468 --> 01:04:09.836
- Dad, at school today...
- I am outlining my work system.
1069
01:04:10.847 --> 01:04:14.560
From midday every afternoon
I sleep for four hours.
1070
01:04:14.642 --> 01:04:16.304
That sleep I MUST have.
1071
01:04:17.200 --> 01:04:18.181
It is a rule.
1072
01:04:18.355 --> 01:04:20.347
- Is understood?
- Sieg Heil.
1073
01:04:21.660 --> 01:04:22.728
Then everything is tickety-boo.
1074
01:04:23.318 --> 01:04:24.729
Tickety-boo.
1075
01:04:25.570 --> 01:04:26.686
I will wash my hands.
1076
01:04:26.821 --> 01:04:29.108
Ah, yes, Richard, will
you show Herr...
1077
01:04:29.491 --> 01:04:33.235
Miss, um... the young... lady...
to the ablutions.
1078
01:04:33.370 --> 01:04:35.327
Yes, Dad. It's this way.
1079
01:04:40.919 --> 01:04:43.582
So, er... that's what happened
to Martin Bormann.
1080
01:04:44.464 --> 01:04:46.547
I wouldn't advise trying
anything with her.
1081
01:04:46.800 --> 01:04:50.669
Wi... wi... with..?
You... you must be joking!
1082
01:04:51.554 --> 01:04:53.466
Oh, look, Liz, look, look,
I explained.
1083
01:04:53.807 --> 01:04:55.673
I apologised. You
said you understood.
1084
01:04:55.725 --> 01:04:56.725
I did.
1085
01:04:59.479 --> 01:05:01.596
- Wh... wh... what's that, then?
- What's what?
1086
01:05:01.815 --> 01:05:03.681
What... what's...
1087
01:05:05.151 --> 01:05:07.711
- You said it was forgiven and forgotten!
- Why are you shouting?
1088
01:05:07.946 --> 01:05:09.340
Because when you forgive
and forget...
1089
01:05:09.364 --> 01:05:11.856
...you won't let anyone forget you've
forgiven and forgotten!
1090
01:05:13.952 --> 01:05:15.909
Oh, Liz, look, give it a rest.
1091
01:05:15.954 --> 01:05:18.116
Dad, where did Inga go to?
1092
01:05:18.540 --> 01:05:19.906
Back to Stockholm.
1093
01:05:20.125 --> 01:05:21.912
I bought her ticket myself.
1094
01:05:22.710 --> 01:05:23.710
Satisfied?
1095
01:05:30.718 --> 01:05:32.209
What shall I wear
this evening?
1096
01:05:32.470 --> 01:05:35.338
Miss Romaine Dupree.
1097
01:06:02.167 --> 01:06:05.160
Thank you, Romaine.
1098
01:06:08.590 --> 01:06:11.820
Well, Romaine - nearly Miss Tulip
last year, is that right?
1099
01:06:11.176 --> 01:06:13.154
- Yes.
- Ah. Tell me, what are your hobbies?
1100
01:06:13.178 --> 01:06:14.635
- Hi, Teddy.
- Hello, Nat.
1101
01:06:14.762 --> 01:06:16.970
And how is the lovely Mrs Brown?
1102
01:06:18.266 --> 01:06:19.473
Ae we still in the doghouse?
1103
01:06:20.727 --> 01:06:22.663
The, er, competition's going well, Nat.
1104
01:06:22.687 --> 01:06:24.269
Oh, fine.
1105
01:06:24.564 --> 01:06:26.806
Great girls, all hand-picked...
1106
01:06:26.983 --> 01:06:29.145
...with these very hands.
1107
01:06:29.277 --> 01:06:31.690
You help your mother in the home.
Well, that's really commendable...
1108
01:06:31.696 --> 01:06:33.779
...isn't it, folks?
Give her a big hand.
1109
01:06:35.825 --> 01:06:37.441
And tell me, what's
your ambition?
1110
01:06:37.619 --> 01:06:41.780
I'd like to be an all-round entertainer.
1111
01:06:41.164 --> 01:06:43.952
Well, good luck and thank you,
Miss Romaine Dupree.
1112
01:06:46.711 --> 01:06:49.190
And you'll remember that one of the
girls appearing this evening...
1113
01:06:49.214 --> 01:06:51.206
...will become Miss Goldilocks.
1114
01:06:51.341 --> 01:06:55.381
Her prizes will include one year's supply
of McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge...
1115
01:06:55.470 --> 01:06:56.470
...a mini-moke...
1116
01:06:56.513 --> 01:06:58.345
...a kilt in the tartan of her choice...
1117
01:06:58.389 --> 01:06:59.971
...a thousand pounds in cash...
1118
01:07:00.183 --> 01:07:02.391
...and the dream holiday of
a lifetime for two...
1119
01:07:02.560 --> 01:07:05.928
...at Tossa del Mar in Rabjohn's
Holiday Huts.
1120
01:07:06.105 --> 01:07:08.347
My word. Who's gonna be
the lucky girl?
1121
01:07:08.566 --> 01:07:10.419
Will it be one of the lovelies
you've met already?
1122
01:07:10.443 --> 01:07:12.935
Or the next contestant, whose
photo was sent in...
1123
01:07:13.196 --> 01:07:15.233
...by one of you Frozen Porridge
lovers of Britain?
1124
01:07:15.573 --> 01:07:18.691
Come in, Number Eight:
an ex-au pair girl from London...
1125
01:07:18.826 --> 01:07:20.692
...Miss Inga Giltenburg!
1126
01:09:24.577 --> 01:09:26.944
- Please let me in?
- Go away.
1127
01:09:26.996 --> 01:09:29.283
It, it's inconvenient.
1128
01:09:30.410 --> 01:09:31.452
Please let me in.
1129
01:09:31.876 --> 01:09:32.876
No.
1130
01:09:32.919 --> 01:09:35.332
Well, can't you just open
the door for a second?
1131
01:09:36.422 --> 01:09:37.422
All right.
1132
01:09:38.466 --> 01:09:39.627
But only a few inches.
1133
01:09:42.387 --> 01:09:43.387
Nat.
1134
01:09:43.888 --> 01:09:46.960
Liz's thrown me out. I've got
nowhere to sleep.
1135
01:09:46.182 --> 01:09:47.468
Aw, that's tough.
1136
01:09:47.600 --> 01:09:51.184
But remember Teddy, there's millions of
homeless people in this world...
1137
01:09:51.229 --> 01:09:53.221
...and my heart bleeds for them,
but right now...
1138
01:09:53.272 --> 01:09:55.590
...I don't want any of them in here.
1139
01:09:55.108 --> 01:09:56.565
Who's at the door, Nat?
1140
01:09:57.694 --> 01:09:59.435
Oh, it's you, Teddy!
1141
01:09:59.570 --> 01:10:01.436
All right, so come in.
1142
01:10:02.448 --> 01:10:04.280
So, er, what's the, er..?
1143
01:10:04.325 --> 01:10:06.112
- Oh, she's er...
- I won! I won it!
1144
01:10:06.160 --> 01:10:09.730
I'm Miss Goldilocks, I won
the competition!
1145
01:10:09.205 --> 01:10:12.539
That, that, that's all I need, Nat.
I mean, that puts the tin hat on it, now.
1146
01:10:12.583 --> 01:10:15.496
Don't look at me, you're the one
who sent the picture in.
1147
01:10:15.545 --> 01:10:17.411
I didn't send any picture in, Nat.
1148
01:10:17.463 --> 01:10:18.732
I wouldn't do a thing like that.
1149
01:10:18.756 --> 01:10:21.715
You did do send in her picture,
I saw it among the bunch...
1150
01:10:21.718 --> 01:10:23.758
...and I figured you wanted to
give the kid a break.
1151
01:10:23.928 --> 01:10:27.920
And now... I'm giving her
another break.
1152
01:10:27.849 --> 01:10:30.910
Beats a year's supply of porridge,
huh, baby?
1153
01:10:32.895 --> 01:10:35.638
Right, you ought to be comfortable
enough here, Teddy, so...
1154
01:10:36.983 --> 01:10:38.645
Thanks, Nat.
1155
01:10:39.110 --> 01:10:41.898
We'll be in there if you need anything.
1156
01:10:44.407 --> 01:10:47.946
Oh, Teddy, do me a favour?
Don't need anything.
1157
01:10:56.461 --> 01:10:59.780
Tell me more about
this Goldilocks business.
1158
01:10:59.172 --> 01:11:01.380
It was so rotten.
1159
01:11:01.758 --> 01:11:03.875
Even when I'd told him
how shabby it was, he...
1160
01:11:05.344 --> 01:11:08.870
...he's been busy with
this for weeks.
1161
01:11:08.890 --> 01:11:10.970
Oh.
1162
01:11:11.809 --> 01:11:14.597
I have packed them all.
All his possessions.
1163
01:11:14.687 --> 01:11:17.270
We can throw them out in the morning.
1164
01:11:17.440 --> 01:11:20.103
- Oh, no.
- For what you need him?
1165
01:11:20.651 --> 01:11:22.187
We women must be strong!
1166
01:11:22.987 --> 01:11:24.694
I can do the man's work in the house.
1167
01:11:25.310 --> 01:11:26.863
Chop wood, drive the car.
1168
01:11:27.533 --> 01:11:30.196
For money, I can go back to
my old job.
1169
01:11:30.536 --> 01:11:32.368
- Your old..?
- In Hamburg...
1170
01:11:32.413 --> 01:11:34.530
...I used to wrestle in mud.
1171
01:11:36.420 --> 01:11:37.420
Oh.
1172
01:11:37.126 --> 01:11:39.334
Well, there's not much call for
that around here.
1173
01:11:39.629 --> 01:11:41.910
- No, honestly, I don't think...
- Together we can make...
1174
01:11:42.600 --> 01:11:43.247
...a new life.
1175
01:11:56.813 --> 01:11:57.813
Liz.
1176
01:11:59.857 --> 01:12:04.397
Liz, this work of his is the most diabolical...
I mean, I hadn't realised the enormity of it!
1177
01:12:04.904 --> 01:12:07.112
Well, it's something to do with porridge.
1178
01:12:07.156 --> 01:12:09.443
The sooner the Society has
sight of this, the better.
1179
01:12:09.492 --> 01:12:11.470
Oh, no, wait a minute, they're
Teddy's - they're private.
1180
01:12:11.494 --> 01:12:13.451
- We can't just...
- The moment comes...
1181
01:12:13.746 --> 01:12:15.908
...the moment comes for all of us
when we have to...
1182
01:12:16.165 --> 01:12:17.281
...choose our...
1183
01:12:17.959 --> 01:12:19.291
...our priorities.
1184
01:12:19.836 --> 01:12:21.919
Er, can't we just ask him first?
1185
01:12:22.713 --> 01:12:23.669
Please?
1186
01:12:23.714 --> 01:12:25.501
I mean, just put it to him.
1187
01:12:34.892 --> 01:12:35.892
There's no answer.
1188
01:12:37.687 --> 01:12:39.247
Well, he said he was going to be there.
1189
01:12:41.232 --> 01:12:43.224
Hello? Who?
1190
01:12:44.527 --> 01:12:45.859
Yes, but he's asleep.
1191
01:12:46.654 --> 01:12:47.861
This is Inga.
1192
01:12:48.720 --> 01:12:49.859
Inga Giltenburg.
1193
01:12:50.241 --> 01:12:51.857
Hello? Hello?
1194
01:12:54.370 --> 01:12:56.111
I was once stuck in a lift.
1195
01:12:56.330 --> 01:12:59.730
- Daddy, you never told me.
- What a well-appointed situation.
1196
01:12:59.166 --> 01:13:00.623
Expensive but tasteful.
1197
01:13:00.960 --> 01:13:02.246
You made the right choice, Liz.
1198
01:13:02.837 --> 01:13:03.497
I'm proud of you.
1199
01:13:23.983 --> 01:13:26.726
We have an appointment with
Wallace Trufitt, MP.
1200
01:13:27.320 --> 01:13:28.686
Who shall I say, sir?
1201
01:13:28.905 --> 01:13:32.273
Belper-England Clean,
England Strong crusade.
1202
01:13:32.491 --> 01:13:33.698
Ahhh!
1203
01:13:34.952 --> 01:13:36.864
The time has come, Trufitt, for action.
1204
01:13:37.380 --> 01:13:39.997
As our MP, I want you to ask a
question in the House.
1205
01:13:40.124 --> 01:13:41.160
Certainly.
1206
01:13:42.501 --> 01:13:43.867
About anything in particular?
1207
01:13:44.450 --> 01:13:45.707
This has come into our possession.
1208
01:13:46.380 --> 01:13:47.996
It belonged to Mrs Brown's husband.
1209
01:13:48.758 --> 01:13:52.297
It is a document which describes the
practice of sexual titillation...
1210
01:13:52.345 --> 01:13:53.345
...in advertising.
1211
01:13:53.638 --> 01:13:56.597
It's all here; facts, figures...
1212
01:13:56.891 --> 01:13:58.757
- Photos..?
- No photos.
1213
01:13:59.685 --> 01:14:01.347
It's a complete analysis of the...
1214
01:14:01.395 --> 01:14:05.810
...subliminal sexual techniques
used to sell McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge.
1215
01:14:06.192 --> 01:14:09.685
- May I use the little girls' room?
- Please do. It's through that door.
1216
01:14:09.737 --> 01:14:11.694
And to the left.
1217
01:14:12.156 --> 01:14:13.192
Not that one!
1218
01:14:17.745 --> 01:14:19.281
Oh... more evidence...
1219
01:14:19.330 --> 01:14:21.913
- ...much more evidence.
- Let me help you.
1220
01:14:22.410 --> 01:14:25.375
Yes, well...
I expect you're all wondering...
1221
01:14:25.628 --> 01:14:29.668
...how such DISGUSTING things as these could
possibly have come into my possession.
1222
01:14:30.910 --> 01:14:31.923
Well, er, as a matter of fact, I, er...
1223
01:14:34.971 --> 01:14:36.382
Now, where were we?
1224
01:14:36.472 --> 01:14:38.384
We were talking about cleaning
up advertising.
1225
01:14:38.432 --> 01:14:39.764
We want an inquiry.
1226
01:14:39.809 --> 01:14:41.721
We want these advertisements banned...
1227
01:14:41.769 --> 01:14:43.556
...that porridge thrown off
the market!
1228
01:14:43.562 --> 01:14:45.474
There's such a funny mirror in
the bathroom.
1229
01:14:45.523 --> 01:14:46.354
You can see right through it...
1230
01:14:46.399 --> 01:14:48.356
- ...into the bedroom!
- Yes, yes, you can.
1231
01:14:49.902 --> 01:14:51.643
This used to be a nursing home,
you know?
1232
01:14:52.738 --> 01:14:56.527
Well, now, if that dossier contains the
information that you say it does...
1233
01:14:56.617 --> 01:14:58.280
...well, it is dynamite.
1234
01:14:58.327 --> 01:15:00.239
In fact, it is better than dynamite.
1235
01:15:01.122 --> 01:15:02.122
It's news!
1236
01:15:08.379 --> 01:15:12.749
Front page of every newspaper in the country.
Complete national coverage.
1237
01:15:16.929 --> 01:15:18.511
Mr McLaughlin...
1238
01:15:19.306 --> 01:15:21.138
...I feel I owe you an apology.
1239
01:15:21.559 --> 01:15:22.559
For what?
1240
01:15:26.522 --> 01:15:29.140
Our wee miracle-worker.
1241
01:15:30.735 --> 01:15:32.226
Ah, come on, Teddy.
1242
01:15:32.361 --> 01:15:33.943
Getting the product unpaid publicity...
1243
01:15:34.300 --> 01:15:36.967
...on the front page of every newspaper
in the country would've been enough.
1244
01:15:36.991 --> 01:15:41.156
- But this, kid - they wanna have it banned!
- That's an advertising first!
1245
01:15:41.203 --> 01:15:41.738
Beautiful.
1246
01:15:41.996 --> 01:15:44.579
Beauty - the only word for it.
1247
01:15:44.623 --> 01:15:47.240
Don't you know what happens to a
book they wanna have banned?
1248
01:15:47.334 --> 01:15:49.417
A film?
It's blockbuster time, baby!
1249
01:15:49.462 --> 01:15:52.830
- The sales go up like rockets!
- By this time next week...
1250
01:15:52.882 --> 01:15:56.216
...Quaker Oats will be turning that
factory into a bowling alley.
1251
01:15:56.260 --> 01:15:58.343
The pupil has become the master.
1252
01:15:58.471 --> 01:16:01.635
It wasn't me - it was the England Clean,
England Strong Society.
1253
01:16:01.766 --> 01:16:03.723
Teddy... you didn't know?
1254
01:16:03.809 --> 01:16:05.141
Didn't know... what?
1255
01:16:05.269 --> 01:16:07.181
Where that society gets its funds?
1256
01:16:07.229 --> 01:16:09.437
It's endowed by the
McLaughlin Foundation.
1257
01:16:09.607 --> 01:16:14.193
Mah Foundation contributes to every
socially uplifting organisation.
1258
01:16:20.701 --> 01:16:22.943
Hello? Oh, yes, he is.
Frank.
1259
01:16:23.329 --> 01:16:25.446
- BBC.
- BBC!
1260
01:16:26.916 --> 01:16:29.144
- They're potty.
- "Hello, Mr Chandler?"
1261
01:16:29.168 --> 01:16:30.168
"My name's Tolworth."
1262
01:16:30.211 --> 01:16:34.800
I'm sort of, erm, producer on the
"Confrontation" programme.
1263
01:16:34.256 --> 01:16:36.714
Ah, you don't know me
but I expect you've heard of...
1264
01:16:36.759 --> 01:16:39.672
- ...Joanna Snow.
- Yes, of course I know Joanna Snow.
1265
01:16:39.845 --> 01:16:41.131
It's a bleedin' nuthouse.
1266
01:16:41.388 --> 01:16:44.680
Well, Joanna would love you to appear on
her programme this evening.
1267
01:16:44.225 --> 01:16:45.966
- Tonight?
- "Mmm, yes."
1268
01:16:46.180 --> 01:16:47.579
"I think what she had in
mind, really, was"...
1269
01:16:47.603 --> 01:16:50.186
...your group in sort of open
confrontation, really, with a...
1270
01:16:50.314 --> 01:16:52.897
...group from the England Clean,
England Strong Society.
1271
01:16:53.109 --> 01:16:54.896
We'll be there. Can't wait!
1272
01:16:55.903 --> 01:16:57.769
The delegation will consist of you...
1273
01:16:57.822 --> 01:17:02.157
...you, myself and, of course, the
first begetter of it all...
1274
01:17:04.870 --> 01:17:08.489
MAD! MAD! The whole lot of you!
You ought to be in an asylum!
1275
01:17:50.124 --> 01:17:50.955
Where is she?
1276
01:17:51.410 --> 01:17:53.283
- Where's Liz?
- Go away. You are not wanted here.
1277
01:17:53.460 --> 01:17:55.747
We haff vays of making you talk!
1278
01:17:55.796 --> 01:17:57.583
- Where is she?
- Sh-she left.
1279
01:17:57.673 --> 01:17:59.255
- For the Underground.
- Which one?
1280
01:17:59.300 --> 01:18:01.337
I have friends in ze underground.
1281
01:18:01.427 --> 01:18:03.900
Which one?
1282
01:18:08.684 --> 01:18:09.720
Liz!
1283
01:18:10.853 --> 01:18:11.853
LIZ!!!
1284
01:18:12.605 --> 01:18:14.958
- I've gotta talk to you, love.
- I'm going to my solicitor.
1285
01:18:14.982 --> 01:18:15.982
Solicitor?
1286
01:18:16.150 --> 01:18:18.267
- To see about a divorce.
- Oh, Liz.
1287
01:18:18.485 --> 01:18:20.727
- I've taken advice.
- Who from? That sour kraut?
1288
01:18:20.821 --> 01:18:22.733
- Miss "Tomorrow the World"?
- Geoffrey.
1289
01:18:22.990 --> 01:18:24.197
Oh, Geoffrey.
1290
01:18:24.617 --> 01:18:28.110
Geoffrey says there comes a moment
in everyone's life, when...
1291
01:18:28.162 --> 01:18:29.619
- There certainly does!
- Ooow!
1292
01:18:29.663 --> 01:18:30.870
Come on, Liz.
1293
01:18:30.915 --> 01:18:32.281
Just come on.
1294
01:18:32.750 --> 01:18:36.209
Get in there!
Don't argue with me.
1295
01:18:36.378 --> 01:18:38.370
Don't argue!
1296
01:18:39.548 --> 01:18:41.943
It won't do any good. I've made up my mind.
1297
01:18:41.967 --> 01:18:43.727
You have?! You mean, that
lousy Geoffrey has.
1298
01:18:43.802 --> 01:18:45.714
I'll fix that bloody vicar!
1299
01:18:48.182 --> 01:18:50.424
- You were the one that started it all!
- It wasn't...
1300
01:18:50.517 --> 01:18:53.305
...me, it was you with all that
hoo-hah with Richard's knickers.
1301
01:18:53.395 --> 01:18:55.810
This goes deeper than Richard's knickers.
1302
01:18:55.105 --> 01:18:57.472
It's you - you're sex-mad!
1303
01:18:57.733 --> 01:19:00.660
ME?! I haven't had sex
for months!
1304
01:19:00.653 --> 01:19:02.360
What d'you think they're advertising?
1305
01:19:02.446 --> 01:19:06.156
Dunno. Must be new stuff they're
putting in the toothpaste.
1306
01:19:13.332 --> 01:19:14.118
Greetings.
1307
01:19:14.333 --> 01:19:16.700
And, tonight, Confrontation
will be discussing...
1308
01:19:16.919 --> 01:19:19.457
...racial discrimination among
unmarried mothers.
1309
01:19:22.258 --> 01:19:25.422
Thursday's outbreak of violence at
the National Bowls Championship.
1310
01:19:28.180 --> 01:19:30.137
But first, today's headlines.
1311
01:19:30.224 --> 01:19:33.433
The dispute on sex in
television commercials...
1312
01:19:33.769 --> 01:19:38.434
...and the remarkable charges brought by the
England Clean, England Strong Society.
1313
01:19:38.482 --> 01:19:40.439
Stand by, Two.
1314
01:19:40.651 --> 01:19:42.438
And now, to open the batting...
1315
01:19:42.611 --> 01:19:44.443
- ...Reverend Mellish.
- On you, Two.
1316
01:19:44.613 --> 01:19:47.710
Look, let's not make a big thing of this.
1317
01:19:47.157 --> 01:19:49.524
All we're suggesting - all we're hinting...
1318
01:19:49.618 --> 01:19:54.989
...is that there's already too much filthy,
sex-obsessed sewage muck on TV.
1319
01:19:55.499 --> 01:19:58.663
And why should it be thrust at us
in the commercials as well?
1320
01:19:58.752 --> 01:20:00.664
Oh, come, now - that's simply discrimination.
1321
01:20:00.754 --> 01:20:04.430
Balderdash! It's time that sex was
put back where it belongs...
1322
01:20:04.910 --> 01:20:07.505
...in the bedrooms of prostitutes
and decently married couples.
1323
01:20:07.636 --> 01:20:09.956
TEDDY, STILL ON LOUDSPEAKER:
All I want is my normal quota!
1324
01:20:10.264 --> 01:20:13.223
I mean, is that too much to ask,
just my normal quota of sex?
1325
01:20:13.434 --> 01:20:15.221
I mean, that's all any man wants.
1326
01:20:15.477 --> 01:20:17.514
Just a normal sex life.
1327
01:20:17.688 --> 01:20:19.429
Speak for yourself, darlin'.
1328
01:20:19.523 --> 01:20:21.560
Well, would you think it right
to represent...
1329
01:20:21.650 --> 01:20:24.108
...actual intercourse in a commercial?
1330
01:20:24.236 --> 01:20:25.236
Yes, would you?
1331
01:20:25.279 --> 01:20:28.443
I think there should be no copulation
without representation.
1332
01:20:28.490 --> 01:20:29.856
I go along with that.
1333
01:20:30.159 --> 01:20:32.710
It's not me, it's your lot.
1334
01:20:32.161 --> 01:20:33.993
You're pre-occupied with sex!
1335
01:20:34.380 --> 01:20:36.155
Every night, sitting around the telly...
1336
01:20:36.206 --> 01:20:37.868
...totting up the tits and bums.
1337
01:20:37.958 --> 01:20:40.371
I am entirely against censorship.
1338
01:20:40.669 --> 01:20:42.376
I uphold the right of the artist...
1339
01:20:42.421 --> 01:20:45.209
...to express freely whatever he
wants to, providing...
1340
01:20:45.758 --> 01:20:49.593
...he does not put it in a television show or
a film or a play, or anywhere...
1341
01:20:49.636 --> 01:20:51.593
...where the public can see it.
1342
01:20:51.680 --> 01:20:53.158
And as for that au pair girl...
1343
01:20:53.182 --> 01:20:56.675
...don't think I don't know what went
on with you and her in that flat.
1344
01:20:56.769 --> 01:20:58.681
Call that a normal quota?
1345
01:21:02.524 --> 01:21:04.356
Follow that toothpaste tube!
1346
01:21:04.401 --> 01:21:06.170
Right in one's living room...
1347
01:21:06.195 --> 01:21:09.939
...men and women in bed,
shoulders being stroked...
1348
01:21:10.740 --> 01:21:12.612
...noses burrowing into
each other's necks...
1349
01:21:12.701 --> 01:21:16.661
...sometimes you can't work out where the
man ends and the woman begins!
1350
01:21:16.705 --> 01:21:18.662
It's not exactly incandescent, is it?
1351
01:21:18.707 --> 01:21:20.118
Do you find it incandescent?
1352
01:21:28.592 --> 01:21:29.708
Aahh!
1353
01:21:32.540 --> 01:21:35.263
Sorry sir. No admittance to Studio unless
you're taking part in a production.
1354
01:21:35.641 --> 01:21:37.928
Uh... well, I am taking part
in the production.
1355
01:21:38.227 --> 01:21:39.388
What as?
1356
01:21:43.650 --> 01:21:46.580
None of us wants to inhibit
freedom of expression.
1357
01:21:46.151 --> 01:21:48.170
It's just a question of priorities.
1358
01:21:48.112 --> 01:21:50.775
OH! Oh, leave me alone, you...
Take the van!
1359
01:21:52.408 --> 01:21:53.408
Here..?
1360
01:21:53.534 --> 01:21:54.534
You a bishop?
1361
01:21:54.576 --> 01:21:56.936
Well, who do you think I am with
this, then? Bloody Bo Peep?
1362
01:21:57.121 --> 01:21:59.204
- 'Ere - hold on!
- Course I'm a bishop, you twit!
1363
01:21:59.540 --> 01:22:00.576
Ooaaarh!
1364
01:22:02.420 --> 01:22:03.203
Bless you, my son.
1365
01:22:03.752 --> 01:22:05.709
And what is the most important
thing today?
1366
01:22:06.213 --> 01:22:08.170
Well, to my mind, it's the home.
1367
01:22:08.257 --> 01:22:11.750
The sacred and inviolable institution
of marriage.
1368
01:22:12.520 --> 01:22:15.591
You lying bastard!
1369
01:22:17.766 --> 01:22:19.974
You two-face berk!
1370
01:22:20.519 --> 01:22:23.136
All you wanna do is get your
sweaty hands on my wife!
1371
01:22:23.188 --> 01:22:25.508
You don't give a monkey's about
breaking up people's homes.
1372
01:22:25.607 --> 01:22:28.441
With my rod and staff I shall
comfort you, mate!
1373
01:22:28.694 --> 01:22:29.810
Oww!
1374
01:22:31.530 --> 01:22:32.530
No!
1375
01:22:34.908 --> 01:22:37.901
This seems a LITTLE lively.
Stay on the bishop, Four.
1376
01:22:37.995 --> 01:22:40.533
You git!
1377
01:22:41.810 --> 01:22:42.538
Anyone know which bishop it is?
1378
01:22:43.410 --> 01:22:45.954
Er, can we super an attachment
showing his... diocese?
1379
01:22:46.860 --> 01:22:47.952
Kill him, Geoff!!
1380
01:22:53.635 --> 01:22:54.421
Oh, nice.
1381
01:22:54.470 --> 01:22:55.881
Oh, you stinker!
1382
01:23:00.642 --> 01:23:02.383
You bitch! You bitch!
1383
01:23:02.644 --> 01:23:04.351
Silly old clot!
1384
01:23:05.189 --> 01:23:07.897
Nat! For God's sake, do something.
1385
01:23:07.983 --> 01:23:09.724
- For heaven's sake, look...
- Get off!!
1386
01:23:09.818 --> 01:23:10.818
Aaagh...
1387
01:23:11.904 --> 01:23:14.647
And turning to you, Mr Kaplan, what
are your views on violence?
1388
01:23:14.656 --> 01:23:17.364
Listen, I'm an American.
I don't belong in this war.
1389
01:23:20.829 --> 01:23:22.786
Change lens, Three.
1390
01:23:22.831 --> 01:23:24.720
MELLISH!
1391
01:23:25.250 --> 01:23:28.459
D'you know, this is beginning to take
on the quality of real television debate.
1392
01:23:29.213 --> 01:23:30.933
I'm coming for you, Mellish!
1393
01:23:31.131 --> 01:23:32.793
I'll have you!
1394
01:23:32.841 --> 01:23:34.798
You slimy ba...
1395
01:23:35.469 --> 01:23:36.801
All right, Vicar?
1396
01:23:36.929 --> 01:23:39.763
- Look, don't... Look, please..!
- Now turn the other cheek, mate.
1397
01:23:39.765 --> 01:23:40.801
AGH! Ooh!
1398
01:23:45.103 --> 01:23:46.103
Teddy!
1399
01:23:49.858 --> 01:23:51.645
- Teddy!
- Er, pardon me.
1400
01:23:51.693 --> 01:23:53.650
I'm looking for my husband.
1401
01:23:53.820 --> 01:23:57.630
- Do you know Nat Kaplan?
- Why, most certainly.
1402
01:23:57.824 --> 01:23:58.860
Teddy!
1403
01:24:12.381 --> 01:24:13.246
Hello...
1404
01:24:13.382 --> 01:24:14.382
...Nat.
1405
01:24:18.178 --> 01:24:20.386
What is this?
1406
01:24:20.472 --> 01:24:24.216
Come back down here,
ye bobby dazzler, and I'll whisper.
1407
01:24:27.104 --> 01:24:29.312
Teddy, you'll kill yourself!
1408
01:24:31.692 --> 01:24:34.981
Teddy!
1409
01:24:42.327 --> 01:24:43.909
- Elvira?
- Wallace.
1410
01:24:43.954 --> 01:24:45.911
Jack, as a matter of fact.
1411
01:24:46.390 --> 01:24:48.519
Where d'you think you're goin', an'
what're we gonna call this?
1412
01:24:55.465 --> 01:24:57.832
Teddy!
1413
01:24:58.218 --> 01:25:00.756
Oh, Teddy!
1414
01:25:09.855 --> 01:25:10.855
Right.
1415
01:25:23.702 --> 01:25:25.443
Right! Trapped!
1416
01:25:25.495 --> 01:25:28.408
Trapped!
1417
01:25:28.790 --> 01:25:30.998
TRAPPED!
1418
01:25:31.840 --> 01:25:32.996
HA, HA, HA! Ha... ah...
1419
01:25:33.860 --> 01:25:34.860
...er...
1420
01:25:34.379 --> 01:25:35.379
Mellish?
1421
01:25:37.257 --> 01:25:38.464
Mellish?
1422
01:25:40.594 --> 01:25:41.594
Mellish?
1423
01:25:43.555 --> 01:25:44.555
Mellish?
1424
01:25:47.434 --> 01:25:48.434
Mellish!
1425
01:25:49.227 --> 01:25:50.934
I know you're in here somewhere.
1426
01:26:18.340 --> 01:26:19.456
AH!
1427
01:26:19.800 --> 01:26:22.213
Ahh-haa-haah..!
1428
01:26:40.696 --> 01:26:42.280
Mellish!
1429
01:26:42.300 --> 01:26:43.441
Mellish?
1430
01:26:45.242 --> 01:26:46.242
Mellish..?
1431
01:26:49.121 --> 01:26:50.157
Mellish..?
1432
01:27:08.473 --> 01:27:09.133
Oh!
1433
01:27:19.735 --> 01:27:20.735
UGH!
1434
01:27:28.368 --> 01:27:29.404
Yeaahh!
1435
01:27:33.498 --> 01:27:34.330
Oooh!
1436
01:27:48.680 --> 01:27:50.922
Ah, hah, hah, hah!
1437
01:27:51.990 --> 02:55:43.545
Hmm?
1438
01:28:03.904 --> 01:28:05.190
Ha-haaahh!
1439
01:28:21.880 --> 01:28:24.213
YEEAAAAARH!
1440
01:28:43.235 --> 01:28:44.235
Agh!
1441
01:28:48.615 --> 01:28:49.615
Oop!
1442
01:29:02.450 --> 01:29:03.786
Yeuuuurrgh-ooow!
1443
01:29:05.966 --> 01:29:07.200
Missed!
1444
01:29:10.136 --> 01:29:11.593
Never touched me!
1445
01:29:13.932 --> 01:29:15.130
Mellish!
1446
01:29:17.727 --> 01:29:19.930
Yeuuh..!
1447
01:29:20.146 --> 01:29:21.432
Mellish!
1448
01:30:19.831 --> 01:30:23.324
You conduct went far beyond the
bounds of civilised behaviour.
1449
01:30:23.919 --> 01:30:27.754
Your Worship, this is not,
whatever might at first appear...
1450
01:30:27.797 --> 01:30:31.165
...your ordinary run-of-the-mill brawl
between a clergyman...
1451
01:30:31.217 --> 01:30:35.600
...and an advertising practitioner,
disguised as an archbishop...
1452
01:30:35.138 --> 01:30:36.549
...in a television studio.
1453
01:30:36.848 --> 01:30:39.511
No. My client claims that
the plaintiff...
1454
01:30:39.559 --> 01:30:42.643
...was responsible for his wife
starting divorce proceedings.
1455
01:30:42.729 --> 01:30:44.595
No! He wasn't responsible.
1456
01:30:44.689 --> 01:30:45.930
Well, it wasn't me, darling.
1457
01:30:46.107 --> 01:30:47.939
Kindly address your remarks to the court.
1458
01:30:48.193 --> 01:30:50.590
It wasn't me, darling.
1459
01:30:51.529 --> 01:30:52.895
Then who was responsible?
1460
01:30:54.740 --> 01:30:56.566
That Swedish slag!
1461
01:30:56.660 --> 01:30:59.619
Mmm. I have, er... evidence of...
1462
01:30:59.829 --> 01:31:03.118
...Scottish porridge, but, erm...
Swedish slag..?
1463
01:31:03.458 --> 01:31:04.289
HER!
1464
01:31:04.376 --> 01:31:09.292
She is responsible. She spent the
night with him in Kaplan's flat.
1465
01:31:09.547 --> 01:31:12.790
But nothing happened with Mr Brown
that night - I swear it didn't.
1466
01:31:12.926 --> 01:31:15.168
It was Mr Kaplan I was in bed with.
1467
01:31:15.345 --> 01:31:19.305
See, in England, "in bed with" means, um,
it means, um...
1468
01:31:19.307 --> 01:31:21.674
It don't mean "gardening", buster!
1469
01:31:21.726 --> 01:31:24.719
No, I still don't seem to have
any documents on slag.
1470
01:31:24.771 --> 01:31:27.416
If nothing happened, how come you
were in the Miss Goldilocks competition...
1471
01:31:27.440 --> 01:31:30.800
...when my husband said he'd bought
your plane ticket to Stockholm?
1472
01:31:30.110 --> 01:31:31.396
Sir! Sir!
1473
01:31:32.195 --> 01:31:34.152
Please, sir - can I
say something?
1474
01:31:34.739 --> 01:31:36.446
The child of the union, sir.
1475
01:31:36.741 --> 01:31:38.653
Oh. Oh, yes - by all means.
1476
01:31:38.702 --> 01:31:40.659
Please, sir - I entered Inga.
1477
01:31:42.622 --> 01:31:44.204
You entered Inga?!
1478
01:31:46.126 --> 01:31:48.493
- How old is this child?
- Your Worship...
1479
01:31:48.712 --> 01:31:50.499
...I think I can explain.
1480
01:31:51.548 --> 01:31:52.914
On second thoughts, I...
1481
01:31:53.299 --> 01:31:54.915
...don't think I can explain.
1482
01:31:55.301 --> 01:31:58.214
For the competition. I felt I
owed her something...
1483
01:31:58.346 --> 01:32:00.884
- ...because of her knickers.
- Knickers?
1484
01:32:01.933 --> 01:32:05.722
I seem to have a peculiarly inadequate briefing
on this particular, erm...
1485
01:32:06.271 --> 01:32:10.356
...um, Mr Slocombe - do knickers
constitute an exhibit?
1486
01:32:10.734 --> 01:32:12.691
Not to my knowledge, Your Worship.
1487
01:32:12.861 --> 01:32:17.710
Of course... I could ask the young
person to favour Your Worship with a, er...
1488
01:32:17.574 --> 01:32:20.386
- ...glimpse of the, er...
- Oh, no, no, Mr Slocombe.
1489
01:32:20.410 --> 01:32:22.900
The more I hear of this case...
1490
01:32:22.162 --> 01:32:25.781
...the more certain I become that
restraint is necessary on all sides.
1491
01:32:25.874 --> 01:32:31.211
Rarely - to the best of my belief -
have I been subjected to such a catalogue of...
1492
01:32:31.254 --> 01:32:33.120
...violence and licentiousness.
1493
01:32:34.900 --> 01:32:37.800
For the Crown...
110571
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