Original subtitles

Previously on rick and morty.

Jerry I had sex with your wife.

I did it, I fixed portal travel.

Jack the Ripper, at your service.

- Cool. - This happened too?

- I’m pregnant. - Honey, she’s just like you.

- It’s raining meatballs. - Okay something is...

Jerry Smith died doing what he loved, getting stung by bees.

- Off. - Off what?

Have some respect, it’s Dad’s funeral.

I’m gonna name you Jerry Jr.

Thanks for solving that murder guys,

- here’s a skateboard. - Thanks Tony Hawk.

- Morty, say you’ll marry me.

- What? - Just say yes!

- Yes? - Okay.

- Rick, do you promise to... - I do and for our honeymoon

let's go to a sealed chamber lined with ionized deuterium!

- Why? - Because the charge acts

as a narrative decelerant. Morty, none of this is real,

we’re in a Previously On spiral, clear your head.

- After all that’s happened? - No.

I’m innocent! I didn’t release those bees! I love Jerry!

What’d I just say?

- When? - Okay, great execution,

let’s go back to the chamber.

Now repeat after me, Morty: Next time on Rick and Morty.

Next time on Rick and Morty?

- No. Previously on Rick and Morty. - Ignore it, Morty.

Next time on Rick and Morty.

- It counteracts his toxins. - Next time on Rick and Morty.

- Whose toxins? - Hey stop it!

Previous Leon. Grab him!

Hold on tight, Morty! We gotta get through the opening titles!

Opening titles of what?

- We’re in space. - Let go of me.

Oh my god! Oh my god!

- What planet is this? - Cover you eyes on this part!

Oh my god, it’s a giant squirrel

Why are we dressed like old timey people?

- What the hell’s going on? - Oh my god, no way.

Why is my dad in a suit?

- Best episode! - Who is that?

OK, we’re almost through.

And we’re back!

- Stop! Let go of me! - What just happened?

Why was there music?

Because of this conceptual little piece of shit! Grab his feet!

If we have opening titles, does that mean that we’re a...

Let your body purge the meta-venom, Morty, don’t succumb to his

- pointless self aware bullshit. - It’s not pointless, it’s cool!

- He’s got a gun! - Eat lead, pussy!

No no no! Fuck!

- Son of a... - Did he use a portal?

He wishes. He wriggled back to the meta layer through a hole

in the fourth wall. Put these on and help me find it.

I don’t like this, Rick.

You shouldn’t, it’s not a likable premise.

I mean it’s funny when I do a little nod to viewers

- but... - What viewers?

That’s the right attitude, Morty.

A few carefree verbal asides, always by me,

none of this Season Three Moonlighting shit.

- Okay, here it is. - You’re going to patch it?

No, he subverted actual reality, Morty,

he needs to be put down like a rabid dog.

- Fuck! - Oh yeah,

no, you don’t wanna wear those over here.

Maybe he went down that road?

No no no, if he took that he’d end up a hero.

Dammit, Rick. I don’t like this.

- is this whole place just... - A bunch of groan-inducing wordplay

for seven TV critics that won’t even enjoy it?

It’s worse than you think, Morty, we’re basting in meta radiation right now,

our credibility is being permanently eroded,

every second we spend here is the equivalent to ten Space Jam cameos.

- You should've thought of that previously - Get him!

Oh no! Bless me Heavenly Father for you will save me...

Now I feel bad. Let’s just get out of here.

Because he prays?

You know Hitler was Catholic, right?

I’m here, Leon.

Okay. He apparently prays very well.

- Time for you two to meet the Lord. - That’s okay, we’re good.

Treat it like a bear attack, just walk backwards and make yourself look big.

I love a good refusal of the call. Hello, Rick.

- Hello, Amish Juggler? - His name is Story Lord.

Story Lord?

Listen, trust me, take Amish Juggler, you can have it.

Story Lord. Rick, he’s the villain from that toy train I bought you.

Very good, Morty. The fictional versions of you trapped me

in a Bible show for children but I used make-believe Christ

to transcend fiction and enter meta-reality.

Now I’m the one doing the trapping Leon was the bait.

- Bait? - Jesus?

Never dumb mother!

You’re using Jesus to beat us up? Have you seen South Park?

Good call-out, Morty, that’s the kind of meta I like,

the kind that keeps us creatively accountable.

Oh god. Not the Bane. Not the Bane!

He Baned me, Morty! Jesus Baned me!

You can’t beat me up, I’m technically Christian child!

And I’m your worst nightmare.

I’m the Jesus from every Jesus joke.

- The one without a God. - Morty! Take this and get out!

Thank you. Looks like Story Lord’s story is about to become based on real events.

- What do you want with that? - I want what any character wants.

- Motivation. - What?

- That’s dumb. - So lazy.

Forward your notes to my ass.

Wait wha... he just left?

Kinda makes you want to be our unlikely ally huh?

I guess not.

Previously on Jesus Christ.

- Hey, I’m Jesus. - I’m Mary.

- That’s my mom’s name. - Stop.

- Dude, she’s a hooker. - She’s a better disciple than you!

Oh no.

I can’t die.

I have a proposition for you.

I work alone.

If I suck-a your blood, I’ll be invincible! I think!

You’ll never know.

Billionaire immortal entrepreneur Jesus Christ has placed all his money

into what he’s calling a “second chance at love.”

- Hang on, Mary! - The data! So beautiful!

Make me normal, witch.

Take it all!

Eat your pudding, Mr. Christ.

- What are you smiling at? - Your name.

- What’s happening, Rick? - Leon’s venom makes you think

more and more of your life is behind you as he feeds on your released potential.

Leon. You saved our lives!

- Oh not yet he hasn’t. - Jeez Rick!

- So mean! - He’s meta, Morty.

His life doesn’t matter.

Yours does. That’s why we need to get back.

Well this doesn’t feel like a Citadel.

Maybe it’s cooler on the inside?

This isn’t what it looks like.

This is a very special diet for successful writers.

- Why do you look like my character? - I am your character.

- And you are going to improve me. - But you’re Story Lord, you’re great.

Great isn’t good enough! I’ve killed Rick and made myself real.

I’m better than some shitty toy train.

Is this your office or your apartment?

Why does it smell like you sleep here?

- You’re my creator, why are you pathetic? - Because you failed!

And whose fault is that? What the hell happened?

You wanna know what happened? Like specifically?

Well the Ricks wanted to do a Canterbury Tales type thing,

but none of them have actually read fucking Canterbury Tales,

so then they told me to make it like the Poker Game episode

of the Batman cartoon where the bad guys tell stories about Batman.

Then they kept telling me it “needed something.”

Yeah no shit it needed something! It needed to never be pitched!

I did my job! Goomby, the Ice Queen, the Tickets Please guy.

They just bailed on it! The website didn’t even fucking work!

And it was a shitty URL to begin with, “Storydash Train”?

Who uses a dash? They set me up to fail!

They fucked me! They fucked me and you're lucky I haven’t blown my brains out!

Right. Just give me a motivation, you hacky fart.

Okay, here’s your motivation.

You’re looking for motivation. You want all the motivation.

That’s lazy.

It got you this far. Must be nice, by the way,

wish I could afford to dress like a bisexual acting coach from the seventies.

- My motivation... is motivation. - Okay, bye.

Oh no, my bitter friend, you’re coming with me.

Yo! If you don’t see me coming it’s a bad fortress!

- Where are we? - Headquarters of The Self Referential Six.

They’re meta nerds that found out they could be less bearable as a team.

- They can help us? - No but there’s a prisoner here that can.

- Don’t tell them that. - Rick Sanchez.

I’ve been waiting for this moment for years.

Good, Morty, this is Miss... Lead.

I should kill you where you stand.

I brought you Previous Leon. You’ll want to lock him up in your detention center.

It’s a trick, he wants your prisoner.

- You dick. - Liar!

Talk about a mislead. Anti-meta field.

Fancy device. I think I can recall the time you built it.

Don’t try it, Flash Back!

Y’know I’m excited about the upcoming election.

This forcefield will be impenetrable by meta-energy. It runs on hydrogen isotopes.

It runs on hydrogen isotopes.

A few barrels of petroleum should dampen it.

Run, Morty!

Were those not there before? Guess there’s been a... Connie Tinuityerror.

- These people are the worst! - I told you! Way overpowered!

- Look out, Rick! - Forget him, he’s a nameless guard.

That’s Protago Nick.

His beam has the power to make any character the protagonist.

Duck.

Oh man, oh man.

What are you doing, Marvin? Not dying, that’s what I’m doing!

What’s going on? What happened?

I did it again, Katie. I ran out on another job.

Well if you didn’t do that, you wouldn’t be my man.

I was almost tempted to just let it go, that’s much how I hate it here.

Smash Cut!

- Remember me, Rick? - Who’s this guy now?

I am Mr. Twist. The fifth member of the Self Referential Six.

- Who’s the sixth? - That’s the twist, Morty. It's you.

- What? - Ignore him, Morty.

The twist is there is no sixth member

- and he tells that to everybody. - In any case, you’re ours now.

You can’t free yourself without a twist and I control them.

You don’t control every twist, Mr. Twist. I’ve got a twist for you.

Impossible! What is it?

Nice try! Like I didn’t see that coming

Fuck me.

- Great work, Morty! - I’m adapting!

Here’s our ticket outta here.

They got him in a cell made outta of sports because it’s the opposite of story.

- Do I want to ask who he is? - His name is Brett Caan.

He has the power to make things always have been other things.

I think that’s called retconning. But his name’s Brett Caan?

Rhett’s a name too, his name could be Rhett Caan.

It is. And always has been, now.

Careful Morty. Stay clear of his retcon range.

Until he agrees to help us.

Rick. You’ve always trusted me.

Nice try. Here’s how it’s gonna work.

You’re gonna make it so Morty and I never came here.

Once that’s always been the case, I’ll free you remotely with this.

What is my purpose?

To wait until I tell you to pull that lever.

You are fucking kidding me.

If you don’t free me right now Rick, I can make very, very bad things

always have been the case for you.

Is that a threat, you fuck?

- You can rot in there. - Rick.

You know what, Rhett? Forget what I said, we’ve always been friends.

Good one.

Easy, Rhett. Don’t forget that coffee mug I gave you.

You always were able to be killed with coffee.

New plan. Run. Again.

- The twist being... - You were born without bones.

See ya never!

There’s never been anything outside this fortress.

- Goddammit! - And this fortress

Has always been an orange!

- Great plan, Rick! - Yeah, I’m not pushing back on that Morty,

I have royally fucked us.

- It hurts. - We’ve been past the fourth wall too long.

We won’t be real much longer.

You killed us, Rick. You just had to hate meta storytelling.

In my defense, Morty, I think you can agree my hate was justified.

Least earned death ever.

Death is a threshold.

- What, what happened? - You atoned.

- Who, who are you? - I’m Joseph Campbell. Soup?

I almost considered not making it because my name is Campbell but,

then I thought, stay in the moment, Joe. Follow your bliss.

How are you here? Rhett Caan said there was nothing.

Some things never change about mythology. There’s always an old man with soup.

Name one story that doesn’t have one.

- Jack and the Beanstalk. - Basketball Diaries.

- Every Matrix. - Every movie ever.

Alright, I don’t have to defend myself to you people.

Where’s my soup?

Previous Fuckin’ Leon? Why is that prick here?

No more a prick than you, friend.

Meta characters erode reality.

But all characters are meta, Rick.

All of us are nourished and consumed by chaos, like newborns at the breast

of a meth addict in a lifeboat filled with forks.

- I know what you have to do, Rick. - Scrub Campbell’s browser history?

Just trust Previous Leon.

Could you Previously us a way home?

- I’ll sure enjoy trying. - Yeah I bet you would.

Rick can’t change, Morty. Change is what you might call his Kryptonite.

Except, instead of being super, he’s, you know, kind of a pussy.

Let’s do it.

Previously on Rick.

- Get off him! Get off him! - Oh boy.

- He almost killed you! - Okay, well I feel bad,

I kind of pressured you into trying that.

- You called me a pussy! - I said I feel bad!

This is a map to a region rich in narrative ore.

I wish you the best of luck.

Faster, Morty! I’d help but I can’t blister my inventing hands.

- How long will it take? - Years.

You can live in my wood shed.

- Just don’t open the door after dark. - Why not?

Get out here you Communist Jews!

Dude. Maybe I’m not an alcoholic.

- I know, right? - You fucking Back to the Future ripoffs!

- It’s ready. - Rick, I should stay.

- Why? - I’m pregnant.

- What are you doing? - It wasn’t him, Rick!

- Then who? - Me.

I never left. But you had to think all this happened to make that.

- And I can get this through the titles? - If you hang on tight.

What about my beard and unborn child?

Let them go.

- Thank you, Leon. - When you get home Rick,

do some classic adventures. Like season one.

I’m so sick of that fucking note, what the fuck does it even mean?

Now. One last time. What’s my motivation?

Motivation. This machine will syphon it from everyone in the universe.

Perfect. Greenlit. Launch it.

I think it’s working. Yes, I can feel it!

Something I did is actually affecting someone!

I don’t want to work anymore.

I do, but only as an excuse to not practice guitar.

Why don’t we just write any number down on the score sheet?

Why even do that?

Wait, you have to register?

Yes! I can feel it! I’m so motivated!

I want a lot!

Story time’s over.

- Hardly your decision. - Did you seriously

double down on motivation as your motivation?

- It’s a good idea. - There’s no such thing!

There’s joyful and there’s joyless. And we’ve had our fill of one.

Morty, make that sweaty writer stop working while I kill off his character.

I have never been more driven to destroy someone.

Yeah well I’m driven to lower my blood sugar

but guess who’s getting tacos after he kicks your ass?

So you’re jacked, who cares?

- Cum gutters. - I don’t like that phrase.

I don’t take notes.

You can’t beat me, Rick.

- I have one million times your motivation! - So do those guys

with the cell phone kiosks at the mall.

- The hair is wrong. - Like you’d be picky about licensing.

Actually, I would. I happen to believe that...

- You can do that? - You gotta want it.

Come on, just stop, I don’t wanna fight you.

Kid, I’m a writer that wrote something successful,

so if you want me to give it up

you’re gonna need a black belt or a big pair of tits.

- Yeah well I don’t have those. - In the mythical sense, I have both.

- Joseph Campbell? - Yeah, nice try. He died in the eighties.

Only you can see and hear me Morty.

- Just repeat what I tell you. - Okay.

Sir. You’re only proud of your creation’s success because you want to be creative,

but creation doesn’t happen through gimmicks, technology and distribution.

It doesn’t even happen through work.

Creativity is frankly adjacent to mental and overlaps with it substantially.

A lot of talented people kill themselves and all of them are miserable.

The real gift is to be ungifted,

and from what I saw in your Green Arrow spec script,

- that’s the gift you were given. - You couldn’t have seen that.

I’m Joseph Campbell. I saw it.

- The villain was a placeholder. - I said I saw it Jan,

I didn’t say I could get past page five. Your villains aren’t the problem.

The problem is, when you write, you’re a villain.

If you want to be a hero, just stop.

You know what? Maybe I will register.

Say it! Tell me I’m the new Mr. Nimbus!

- Oh looks like your writer took a hiatus. - Oh fuck.

You’re less motivated to fight now so this is literally punching down

but you’ve got it coming.

Please, lemme live. I promise to be cooler.

I’ll be less inside baseball, maybe I change my name?

- You failed me. - No, I failed you.

All good things must come to an end.

All bad things too though, so don’t flatter yourself.

Jan, Joseph Campbell says you have to be the one to put him down.

Wait wait wait, Joseph Campbell also says

you have to use this brand new limited edition Rick plush,

available only on Rick dash plush dot biz.

- Supplies are limited. Act now. - He did?

Jesus, that’s the last time I buy a toy from a Rick.

The plushies are obviously well made.

- Thanks for getting us back alive, Rick. - Well, I am a master of both worlds Morty.

Joseph Campbell told me to stop writing. Because it should be effortless.

When it happens organically, that’s when it’s meant to be.

Y’know, like, like me.

I’m a writer, here’s a pencil. Writers use pencils.

Okay so like what if like a pencil used me?

Like okay. Yeah. Okay.

so it’s like a magic pencil that writes the writer’s life.

holy shit, it’s a movie about a writer! I am back!

I’m Tag-Man. I live in the tag.

I am the tag. I’m Tag-Man. Tag-tag of the episode Man.

Did you get any of that? When, yeah, when, an episode’s over, look out,

because here comes Tag-Man! And I’m crazy!

Tag-man! Imma tag your ass! Tag dat ass.

Tag-Ass-Man! I’m an Ass-Man now! I’m a, I’m a Tag-Man!

Here’s what you get, here’s your tag! Yeah, you want some more?

You want, you want some more tag you sick piece of shit?!

I’m, because I’m Tag Man!

I miss my wife. Too bad, this is it! Tag-Man, yeah!