Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I understand you played an idiotic prank on a senior,

and much respected officer yesterday.

That is just not true, sir. We played the prank on Mr Ackerman, sir.

Oh, I see!

What happened?

We inserted a capsule of the truth serum,

sodium Pentothal, into his asthma inhaler, sir.

Oh!

Which is why he rushed onto the bridge this morning,

apologised for being late,

saying he'd been having jiggy-jiggy with the science officer's wife

and hadn't allowed enough time to change out of his Batman outfit.

Permission to snigger, sir?

Permission refused.

May have to snigger anyway, sir.

(BOTH SNIGGERING)

-Do either of you have anything to say? -About what, sir?

About Mr Ackerman. About him being late and wearing a Batman outfit.

Has he considered being Tarzan?

Costume change would be much quicker.

You two are both serving a two-year sentence in the brig.

Do you wanna get out, ever?

It's that Mr Ackerman's so...

Horrible, sir!

I am not, sir!

I'm extremely nice.

Lovely, in fact. Warm, caring.

But most of all, nice.

Hence, my nickname, Nicey Ackerman.

That's why I entered the service, sir.

So I could share my sunny disposition

with inmate scum who didn't have my start in life.

Sir, he's been horrible from the moment we first met him.

Today, we have a new intake.

To them I say, obey the rules,

keep out of trouble,

and your time here will pass much more pleasantly.

Welcome to Floor 13.

Seems like a nice guy!

(GRUNTS)

If you want to speak, ask my permission.

I was just saying how nice you seemed!

You spoke again!

(GRUNTING)

But I was paying you a compliment, buddy!

I was saying how you seemed to be a fair-minded, okay kinda guy,

not one of these psycho types you sometimes get around prisons.

(SINGSONG VOICE) You spoke again!

CAT: Isn't anyone gonna back me up?

Hang on! Wait!

I get it! I should shut up. If I shut up, they'll stop hitting me.

That is definitely the key.

That is totally untrue, sir!

-What actually happened... -Save it, save it, save it, Mr Ackerman.

I've thought long and hard

about a suitable punishment, and I've come up with this.

You and a team of your choice

will play basketball against a team of guards led by Mr Ackerman.

God bless you, sir!

Where you will be trounced and humiliated

in front of the entire inmate population.

But, sir, if we lose, Baxter and his cronies will beat us to a pulp!

(SARCASTICALLY) You better win then!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

-(PUNCHES) -(GRUNTS)

-GUARDS: Yes! -(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Hey, guys! Way to go!

-Where were you? -Where was I?

You were supposed to be picking up Rice!

I did! We're meeting for drinks on Thursday.

Not that kind of picking up, you ninny!

Buddies, we've gotta stop arguing.

We can't lose this!

Got it all taken care of.

As soon as the guards swig their half-time juice.

Yeah, the skutters managed to smuggle something out of the Medi-Lab for us.

You know that stuff that helps impotent guys

put the zest back in their love lives?

Boing, the virility enhancement drug?

That's the stuff.

And we've Mickey Finned their drinks.

Within seconds, you're harder than a quadratic equation,

and it doesn't wear off for seven hours.

For seven hours those guys are gonna be like catapults.

That's gonna seriously slow them down.

You're not kidding. Try moving fast with a fishing pole in your pants!

Go out there and kill. They're lambs to the slaughter!

Go on. Go get "em!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Come on, Ackerman! Hands up!

Come on. Get your hands up!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Get your hands up!

Don't let them shoot! Don't let them shoot!

(CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Seven hours! Do you know how long that is?

I couldn't remove my shorts until after midnight!

When I wanted a leak,

I had to do a handstand on the toilet seat!

I stopped the lift doors from closing.

I wasn't even catching a lift!

Where'd you get it? The Medi-Lab?

-Yes, sir. -How?

If it was one of those damn skutters, I'm gonna have it crushed.

It was, er... (CLEARS THROAT) It was me, sir,

when the doc's back was turned.

I went into the Medi-Lab for a sick note but the doc said I was feigning illness.

He didn't accept it was possible to have athlete's hand.

First thing tomorrow, you're on spud duty for two weeks.

Now get out of my sight!

Both of yo use.

Ha!

-Sheesh! -Stuck?

Yeah. God, this is hard!

What are you doing, a crossword?

No, join the dots.

What number are you stuck on?

124.

124.124...

Have you tried 1257

I know the number, you gimboid!

It's finding it that's the hard bit. I'm not some brain-dead simpleton.

Ah! There it is!

Look at that! It's a bucket and spade!

It's clever, that, isn't it?

(DOOR WHIRRING)

Ah! Supper!

Are we supposed to tip them? I'm never sure!

(SNIFFS)

(EXHALES)

I've seen things more appetising on the floors of elephant houses!

Only a total idiot would eat this.

They call this meat?

My grandmother's buttocks

deep-fried in old chip fat would taste better than this.

We're on the punishment menu now.

No chips, no ice cream. Just the basics.

-Because we're on punishment detail? -Yeah.

Kill Crazy reckons they give us the cloning experiments

that have gone wrong with some gravy slopped over to disguise it.

You waited until I was swallowing till you said that, didn't you?

He swears blind the other day he got something with two noses in it.

Course he didn't. They can't do that, it's illegal.

His starter sneezed!

Jimbo Steel was a witness.

Kill Crazy's insane. He's got lots of strange ideas.

He reckons every time they flush a loo on a plane, it drops straight out.

And that's why they don't let you go to the lav

when the plane's standing on the runway.

For fear of skid starts!

-He's probably right. -Course he isn't!

Well, why else wouldn't they let you go, then?

I don't know. Maybe they're helping you break up your journey.

If they let you go to the loo first off,

you'd have nothing to do after you've eaten your cheese.

No, Kill Crazy's probably right.

That's why houses on the flight path are always so cheap.

Because of all the flushing planes?

Yeah, well think about it!

You can't sunbathe, you can't have a barbecue.

And every time you go out

you've gotta wear a washable hat and leg it to your car!

It's the noise.

That's why houses on the flight path are so cheap.

-Because of the noise. -The noise?

Yeah.

But they're half a mile up!

You'd never be able hear people on the loo from that distance!

Not unless they were like my Uncle Dan.

-Not eating? -Yeah. Yeah, in a minute.

(TAPPING)

Yeah!

Oh!

Oh, chicken vindaloo!

Nice one, Bob!

What about the poppadoms? You didn't forget them, did you?

(CHUCKLES)

Poppadoms!

Here's a little something for you.

-Same time tomorrow! -(SQUEAKY KISS)

Cheers!

Is that the skutter

who got you the stiffening solution for the basketball game?

Yeah. He can get anything, can Bob.

A claw in every pie!

Tomorrow, we're on spud duty.

And those knives are supposed to be as sharp

as a chemistry teacher's cardigan.

Do you reckon he can get us a couple of good potato peelers?

Hang on. I'm on to something here.

Forget the potato peelers.

What we want is one of those

programmable viruses from the Science Block.

-Programmable what? -Yeah. They used to be on Z-Deck.

I wonder if the nanos have reconstructed them.

You can program them to do anything you want.

Eat potato skins, you name it.

So we could program them to eat the skins off of the potatoes,

and leave the rest intact.

We wouldn't have to lift a finger.

Two weeks of hell would become potato paradise!

I'll get on the blower to Bob's missus. She'll take a message for us.

-Bob's got a missus? -Yeah, Madge. She's amazing.

Nought to 60 in under 10 minutes.

(TAPPING THE POLE)

(EXCHANGE OF RAPID TAPPING)

(QUICK TAP)

(EXCHANGE OF RAPID TAPPING)

-Damn! -Can't he help us?

No. Wrong number.

I got the Chinese laundry.

Do you need anything ironing?

Now, remember, two entire battalions went missing from this ship.

Vanished without a trace.

We must stick together and remain constantly vigilant.

One minute, everything's fine.

Then you lose concentration for a split-second,

and you're all alone and easy pickings for some hostile life form.

(LAUGHS) I know you think I'm a bit of a fusspot

when it comes to safety procedures,

but it's staying alert that has kept us all...

Kept us...

(HIGH-PITCHED WHISPER) Hello?

Oh, Creator! I'm on my own.

Hey, buddy! We're in here.

What is the point of me giving my "Stay alert, everyone" pep talk

if no one is listening?

What?

Look at this.

What are they, Hol?

They look uncannily like something you should be very, very afraid of.

What?

Mime artists/

The ones you get in those trendy town centres

that chase you down the street

and freeze when you look at them

and everyone laughs at you.

I've never seen anything like this before.

A group of men who display all the normal life signs

but seem totally incapable of movement.

Never seen QPR play away, then.

Tempus, that's Latin for "time."

Latin? I didn't even know the Romans built spaceships!

Somehow this device appears to have caused time to freeze.

Obviously, they used it erroneously.

Where did...

You come from? And how did...

You get a hold of that?

It's some kind of tem...

...porary sto... ...rage unit.

-Extraordinary! -Hey!

This could be a great device for settling arguments!

Don't mess...

...with that thing. It can rea...

...Lly screw...

...EW-EW-EeW...

...you up.

It appears to be able to digitise time and then

download it and store it on a hard drive.

This pure time can then be uploaded into objects or places.

-To freeze people? -Technically, they're not frozen, ma'am.

Merely operating in a different time stream.

So you mean, they're moving, just incredibly slowly?

About the same speed as the average Little Chef waitress.

That's why they don't appear to be actually doing anything.

So this device has the ability to make time come to a complete stop?

What else can it do?

What's happened? Kryten, why are you so big

and why do I suddenly feel like a Vimto?

You gotta get me back to normal!

Do something! I can't go back like this!

Why not? You may only be three feet tall

but you're both as cute as buttons!

What happened to my hair?

And what's happened to mine?

You look like the Turkish entry In the Eurovision Song Contest.

It seems to have restored your hair

to a previous time period to the rest of you.

Compensating.

Now it's regressed your outfits to a previous time in your lives.

And you still look like the Turkish entry

In the Eurovision Song Contest.

So here's the question,

can you unfreeze these guys, but take them back in time

so they have no memory of finding this?

I think so, ma'am. Why?

If we can smuggle this thing back on Red Dwarf,

it can make our prison terms pass in seconds.

Leave this to me. I have an excellent place to conceal it.

(BOB WHISTLES THEME FROM THE GREAT ESCAPE)

Nice one, Bob!

It's not working, is it?

Give it a bit of time to get going.

Look. Look!

-It's working on this one. -Yes!

-And here's another. And another. -Yes!

And another! Fan-smegging-tastic. Listy, we're on our way!

They're gonna do the whole damn room in minutes.

Hey, what's happened to your sleeve, man?

What?

Your sleeve. I never noticed that before.

My God! They're eating my clothes.

(LAUGHING)

Well?

It wasn't me, sir. It was him. He made me do it.

You Judas! I thought we'd agreed to refuse to talk.

Just let me blame you first, then I'll refuse to talk.

If I ever,

ever see you in this office again,

then you're in the Hole. Is that what you want?

-BOTH: No, sir. -Well then, get out.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

You haven't been down to the Medi-Bay to get this virus off, have you?

I probably shouldn't have shaken your hand, sir,

that was probably a mistake.

-Big mistake, sir. -I, um, we'll... We'll be going, sir.

Right now!

That's it!

Two months. In the Hole!

Sir, what about me athlete's hand?

Go!

Straight after lunch, we zap the ship with a two-year download of time,

and the records will show

that we've served our sentences and are free to be released.

This machine's amazing!

Do you think it can do boob jobs, too?

Obviously, I'm just thinking about the future.

-You spilt my soup! -Sorry, Baxter, non-bud!

It was an accident!

Hot Bovril!

Ahhh!

(BUTTONS BEEPING)

(GRUNTS)

Look at him. The big lug.

I'd hate to clean the bath out after him!

You'd need a sander to get rid of the tide mark

and a leaf vac to hoover the hair.

Fix him! Fix him with the time wand.

Watch this.

(CLUCKING)

(LAUGHING)

Hello!

Hey! There's someone in here with us.

Yeah, it's that bloke sitting next to you.

Who are you? What's your name?

They call me Bird man.

Oh, aye? Why's that?

'Cause he really likes instant custard! Why do you think?

This is Pete.

He's nine years old, which in sparrow years is, er...

Nine years old!

So that makes him, er...

Nine?

Nine. That's right! You've met him before, have you?

Two months of this! God!

(ELECTRIC SAWING)

What's this?

(BOB WHISTLES THEME FROM THE GREAT ESCAPE)

What happened to everyone?

It's like they're all frozen on the spot.

Yvonne McGruder went like this when I tried to kiss her.

Hey, hey, this'll drive them crazy!

-Hey, guys! -Ah, sirs!

Buddies!

-This is Bird man. -And this is Pete.

We found this machine

that can digitise time and we can release jets of it.

And we reckon it can make our sentence pass in a nanosecond!

Hats off, sirs.

There's something wrong with Pete!

-What? -He's gone all stiff!

He must have drunk the guards' half-time juice!

Not that kind of stiff!

He's dead.

The excitement of being free has killed him.

He really loved that bird.

It was the only thing that kept him going.

I can't guarantee anything, sir,

but I think the time wand could bring Pete back to life,

make him young and strong again.

Watch.

(ROAR)

-Holy... -Smeg!

(ROARS)

Where the hell did Barney's ugly brother come from?

From Pete, sir.

Birds are descended from dinosaurs,

from the theropod family.

I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years.

(ROARS)

There's an old cat saying which has particular relevance here.

It goes something like this,

"We are all gonna die!"

Pete? Is that you, Pete?

Bird man!

(SNEEZES)

Gesundheit.

Do you want some seed?

That's a no, then, is it?

What now, sir?

Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!

(FOOTSTEPS THUMPING)

(ROARING)

Hey! Hey! Pete, eat me! Here!

Bob! Bob, catch!

(POUNDING FOOTSTEPS)

Bob!

(ROARS)

Bob!

(BOB SQUEAKS)

Come on, Kryten, hurry up!

(POUNDING FOOTSTEPS)

Leg it mode, sir!

(THUDDING)

We've lost the time wand.

How the hell are we gonna get rid of that thing now?

We're finished!

Stop yelling, man, we gotta think our way out of this.

(ROARS)

We're finished!

Shut up and get a grip, man!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just I was... Look, I'm better now.

-Can I just say one thing? -Yeah, go on.

We're finished!

Hol, need some advice, mate.

We've been cornered by a 7. rexthat was formerly a sparrow.

And the only thing that can turn it

back into Woody Woodpecker is in its stomach.

What's your take on the situation?

What do you want, the long or the short version?

Ooh... Long.

You're finished.

What's the short version?

Bye.

-Kryten? -Er, yes, ma'am?

How long, in the normal course of things,

will it take for Pete to pass the time wand out of his system?

Well, strangely enough, ma'am,

I don't have that information in my database.

My programmers, for some insane reason,

believed that dinosaur bowel movement frequency tables

wouldn't be required. Imbeciles!

(ROARS)

Why? What's your suggestion?

Well, the quicker we get the time wand back, the better, right?

-Right. -Right.

So, why don't we lure Pete into the Food Bay

and get him to eat some roughage!

Get a 7. rexto eat roughage?

Yeah! All-Bran, prunes, baked beans on toast, that sort of stuff.

We can't get Lister to eat that sort of stuff, let alone a 7-ton dinosaur.

The more roughage, the quicker we get the time wand back.

Have you got any better ideas?

Yes, I have got a better idea actually, I'm gonna kill myself.

(ROARS)

We've gotta keep this dinosaur business quiet or we're dead.

Keep him quiet?

He's rampaging about the food decks,

making more noise than two yodelling champions on honeymoon.

Everyone on the ship will have heard him by now.

But, sir, the crew are frozen, operating on a different time stream.

Now, if we can recapture the time wand and turn Pete

back into a sparrow before the freeze expires, no one need be any the wiser.

He's right. I just listened to everything he said

and I still ain't got a clue what's happening.

(ROARS)

(BEEPING)

Right over, sir. We don't want a gap.

Right over.

Cow vindaloo?

It's not gonna work.

Of course, it's gonna work.

7. rexes don't like curry.

They're hard, aren't they? Of course they like curries!

If a 7. rexwas a bloke, he'd be a Geordie.

The kind of guy who wears t-shirts in the middle of winter

and his nipples don't even get hard.

A 7-ton theropod is not gonna eat Indian food.

They like flesh, preferably living,

liberally coated in blood with a side order of intestines

and an extra portion of blood.

A bit like the French in that respect.

Look, we got nothing to lose.

And if the worst comes to the worst, and the dino doesn't eat it,

I'll scoff it me self.

(ROARS)

That door's not gonna hold out much longer.

If only that damn 7. rex felt like I do now.

He wouldn't even need a curry.

Don't put that stuff in, you're gonna spoil the taste!

Here he comes!

(CLANGING)

(SOFT GROWL)

It's loving it!

Maybe we should have made some poppadams,

gone the whole hog?

The whole hog? Like it wasn't hard enough getting the whole cow?

(ROARS)

I think he wants a lager.

(HIGH-PITCHED ROAR)

It was a hot one, but with it being a dino, I thought it could stand it!

(WAILING)

(SPLINTERING CRASH)

The time freeze on the guards must have...

If only those buttons were more clearly marked!

The rules on dinosaurs aboard JMC mining ships are very clear.

No pets. Am I right?

(SHOUTING) Am I right?

BOTH: Yes, sir.

Have you any idea the damage that thing has caused?

BOTH: No, sir.

It has eaten our entire supply,

2.5 tons of mint-choc ice cream.

I love mint-choc ice cream,

and that damn dino has eaten every last bit.

We were just trying to get the time wand back, sir.

It's also eaten 400 crates of orange ice pops,

and drank all the Coca-Cola.

Guess what?

You love orange ice pops

-and Coca-Cola, sir. -Coca-Cola, sir.

I love orange ice pops and Coca Cola!

Sir, if you could just let us...

And you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo,

and then eats 2.5 tons of mint-choc ice cream,

followed by 400 crates of orange ice pops,

and swills the whole thing

down with 2,000 gallons of a popular fizzy drink?

Do you know what happens?

It burps?

Oh, it burps.

And do you know what happened to the poor brave men

who had the misfortune to get in the way of that burp?

They went, "Phwoar"?

It took out the entire platoon,

hurling them 20 feet across the Cargo Bay wall.

Sir, I hope this one small dinosaur incident

won't tarnish an otherwise flawless service record, sir.

Do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo,

2.5 tons of mint-choc ice cream,

followed by 400 crates of orange ice pops,

and swills it all down with 2,000 gallons

of a popular fizzy drink, after it's burped?

It feels sick?

Oh, no! It doesn't feel sick, Rimmer, it is sick!

Five of our best men nearly drowned!

Two others are in hospital,

concussed by pieces of carrot the size of tree trunks.

We are so... Deeply...

We are really, deeply, deeply, deeply sorry, sir.

Do you know what happens when a dinosaur has eaten cow vindaloo,

then eats 2.5 ton of mint-choc ice cream, followed by...

Oh, God, it didn't?

It didn't what, Lister?

It didn't get a diarrhoea attack, did it?

100% correct!

And, do you know what happened to the battalion

that was sneaking up on the beast

from behind, of which I was a proud member?

Do you know? Do you know what happened?

-I've got a fair idea, sir. -Yes, sir. A fair idea, sir.

A tidal wave.

Fifteen feet high.

I will be in therapy for the rest of my life.

I've had 12 baths and three showers.

Now, do you have anything to say?

Yes, sir, I think you missed a bit up your left nostril, sir.

Nobody knows how to work this thing.

It is sedated in the Cargo Bay. Turn it back into a sparrow!

Sir, erm, what about Bob? Did he show up?

Who the hell do you think landed on my head?

He is in repairs, being oiled.

Bring back the sparrow.

And, if you try anything smart, you're dead.

BOTH: Yes, sir.

And, if I ever, ever, ever, see you in this office again,

you are finished.

See you in 10 minutes?

See you in 10 minutes?

See you in 10 minutes?

See you in 10 minutes?

See you in 10 minutes?

See you in 10 minutes?

Did you get punishment duty, too?

I've got to iron 800 prison smocks. I don't understand.

Oh!

Why do you get punishment duty and I get a reward?

800! Bliss!

Did you see the Captain's report? The one lying open on his desk?

See what it said about you?

He used the word "imbecile" four times in one sentence.

Oh, yeah? What were the other words in the sentence?

Just your name and a dash.

I don't know, you make a couple of tiny mistakes,

you give the Captain a virus that eats all his hair off,

then you accidentally turn a sparrow into a dinosaur

and you never hear the last of it!

(SIGHS) He really thinks I'm an imbecile?

I'm finished, I'm never gonna make it into High Command now.

It's just the people who know you who think you're an imbecile.

Everyone else thinks you're a moron.

He is a good Captain, though, Captain Hollister, isn't he, eh?

On the ball. Quick.

Quick? The only time he's quick is when he's passing a salad bar.

You do admire him though, don't you?

Admire him? A man who has his own cinema pick-and-mix factory in his quarters?

A man who has a walk-in fridge?

Who lists as his hobbies "chewing and swallowing"?

You did tell me once before, though you do respect him, don't ya?

Respect him? A man whose family crest is made up

of two cream buns and a profiterole?

A man whose idea of a light snack...

-He's standing behind me, isn't he? -Yes, he is.

I was just talking about you, sir.

I was saying what a big fat lump of blubber I think you are,

and how that potato virus I contracted yesterday

doesn't appear to have had any strange side effects whatsoever...

(GIBBERISH)

You forgot this.

You left it in my office.

Do you have any idea the damage that this could cause

if it got into the wrong hands?

Look after it!

You're there, I know you're there, you little sod!

Come on, out! Out!

(SIGHS)

There's a mouse under here, it's been scuttling around for about 10 minutes.

It's not a mouse, ma'am, it's Archie.

Archie?

My penis. It must have escaped.

You know, I'm really going to have to get my ears syringed.

Do you know what that sounded like to me?

I made one.

Forget my ears, maybe my whole brain needs syringing.

You made one?

Mmm. Out of an old electron board, a loo roll, some sticky-backed plastic

and an Action Man's polo-neck jumper.

Kryten, why do you want one?

Ah! It's so humiliating, being posted to the Women's Wing

just because I'm genitally challenged!

So I decided to make one like Mr Lister's.

Little rascal must have got bored jumping in and out of his hoop

and made a break for it during the night.

No wonder I couldn't lure him out with a bit of cheese.

This whole thing's making sense now.

Just leave this to me, ma'am.

Here, Archie! Here, boy!

(CHITTERING)

There he is!

(TRILLING)

(TRILLING ECHOES)

Kryten, do you realise what this means?

No, ma'am.

It means you're a real man.

It does? Why?

Because now, like all men, you have absolutely no control over your penis.

I'm so proud! Archie, come back!

All right, girls, new Canary mission.

-What? -Untamed dino on the loose!

We're not going in till we know what we're doing.

That could take years.

You point that thing at yourself by mistake

and you could wind up as a sperm!

Is that what you want?

Hell no! None of my suits will fit!

Well, if that gizmo thing don't work,

Captain says we gotta go in and 'ave that 7. rex.

And we ain't usin' no guns.

Yeah, guns are for wusses. It's gonna be hand-to-hand combat.

A fistfight with a 7. rex?

Yeah, but them 7. rexes, mate, they only got little arms, ain't they?

Ain't got no reach. Yeah, I'll just pick it off.

Bosh!

Can't reach anything with them little arms.

That's probably why they're always a bit grumpy.

-Oh, my God! -What!

-Something's wrong! -What do you mean, man?

Something's inside me and it wants to get out!

Oh, my God!

(SCREAMING) Help!

(TRILLING)

What is it?

I think it's Archie, sir.

It's who?

He escaped earlier, probably followed us.

Must have dozed off in the Cat's pocket and just woke up.

Who the smeg is Archie?

Oh, don't be alarmed, sir. It's just my penis is on the loose.

(CAT YELLS)

(CRYING OUT)

We want a Barney with Barney,

don't want any sane people spoilin' it.

Death or glory. Yee-hah!

Hang on guys, come on, wait a minute.

(GRUNTS)

This thing's useless!

Say goodbye to your teeth.

Argh!

Something's not right.

We're gettin' our butts kicked and it doesn't hurt.

(GRUNTS)

See? Look, I'm not even bleeding.

(GRUNTS)

You're right.

According to this, sirs, they put your bodies

on a different time stream to the rest of you.

Let's go!

(SNAPS)

You lost the time wand?

-We were ambushed, sir. -By whom?

-Well, first of all by Kryten's... -(GRUNTS)

-And then we were jumped by... -(GRUNTS)

Sir.

That's it?

Okay. No more Mr Nice Guy, no more second chances.

You get that time wand back, you get that sparrow back,

and if you step out of line one more time,

one more time, you're dead!

Do you understand?

-(PUNCHING SOUND) -(GRUNTS)

(SHATTERING)

-What was that? -I thi... Oh!

-(PUNCHING SOUND) -(THUD)

What the hell is going on?

The effects of the fight,

-they've caught up with us! -(PANTING)

Get out of here, both of you! Out!

-Oh! -Ahhh!

(SCREAMING)

Getting that time wand back could take forever,

and they could zap us with it and turn us into anything!

I don't think getting it back is gonna be much of a problem.

(GRUNTING)

(CLINKING)

(SNORING)

RIMMER: It's gonna go wrong, isn't it?

Look, all I've got to do is press "Undo",

and the time wand will retrace its steps

and undo everything it's done so far.

This way we'll even get Bird man back.

Something's gonna go wrong, it always does for us.

Will you relax?

Bird man's boots.

Now to get the rest of him back.

Pete ate me. He ate me.

He must be really out of sorts,

he's never eaten me before, never.

-Pete! -(CHIRPING)

-You want some seed? - (CHIRPING)

Now, destroy the time wand.

This machine's priceless!

Destroy it!

(SMASHING)

(CRACKING)

What are we gonna do now?

Now... Rebuild... The time wand.

It's absolutely priceless!

(SQUEAKY ROAR)

Stop that dinosaur!

It's gone in the lift, it's gone in the lift!

Get it back, get it back! Get it back.

Ooh, that coconut milk felt great.

Oh, I'm such a wreck.

(MOANS)

Ah! Oh, that's great.

Oh, there's a certain roughness about your touch that really hits the spot!

(SQUEAKY ROAR)

(BANGING)

The Hole, sir...

# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #