Original subtitles

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Ok, you go to Aunt Honey's with me

I go to your parents' with you

and Jack's stepdad's with him

And then we can go with Karen real quick to visit Stan in prison?

- Why not? - Great

Ok, I figure we each get one hour

We'll set this timer and when it goes off

We're out of there no matter what

We do not respond to guilt shame, tears, or flattery

There's still 40 minutes left on the timer What happened?

There's really not much left to say

after your husband tells you

he wants you to start sleeping with other people

He wants me to be sexually satisfied while he's in prison

I don't know why

He certainly didn't care while he was out

Whatever you do

do not tell my mother that Nathan and I broke up

You haven't told her?

You see how I went up at the end, like I cared?

Look, she always said that I was wasting my time

with him, and there's nothing

she loves more than saying "I told you so."

She's so obnoxious She even has a little

told-you-so dance

It's the one thing I asked you not to do!

The woman was depressed

I felt it was my duty as a fellow thespian

to turn her mask of tragedy into one of comedy

I'm gonna hurt you Right now

Hey! That's enough! It's over!

Ok. fasten your seat belts, folks

You are about to meet my stepdad

A man whose cruelty is exceeded only by his inability to love

Welcome!

I'm so thrilled to finally meet Jack's friends

Hi, how are you? Good to see you

Jackie!

Father

You're looking distant and shaming

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Pick the lady and you win a dollar

Red, black, black

Just follow the lady

- Pick the queen - Uh...this one?

Sorry Jack?

It's that one I know it is

And once again you set me up for failure

Those football players

Their asses are so high

- I'm hungry - I'm thirsty

I could hump a tree

It's...that one

Sorry

All right! You did it

You know what that means, don't you?

You get to keep my lucky cards

No, I can't take these from you

- You said you liked 'em - Yeah, they're great

Come on I want you to have 'em

No, I can't

Oh, just take the cards, Elliot! Take the damn cards!

The man wants you to have the cards

take the cards! And you, man stop badgering the boy!

- You better take 'em - Thanks

All right

Ding

Ding!

What are you doing? What's the matter with you?

Ding the dang bell!

Is there something wrong, Jack?

If you have something to say to me, just say it

Ok. There is something

that I've been wanting to tell you for a long time

Gotta go Elliot!

Well, these last few stops have been a nice warm-up

now brace yourself for real dysfunction

WASP dysfunction

You can't say it You can't talk about it

but you know it's there

Kind of like a fart in church

Just tell them about the code

Oh, yes, the code

"Business trip" is the code

for my father's affair with his mistress

otherwise known as "associate," "colleague," or "client."

I learned that the hard way

last Easter when I talked

about taking on three clients at the same time

If you're feeling remotely full after appetizers

don't undo your top button

You'll need that to hold in your feelings

- Hey, look who's here! - Hey, guys!

What's with the haircut?

Thanks, Paul Nice to see you, too

Hey, Willie.I just mentioned your haircut

You don't have to cry about it

Hey!

Is that the brother you slept with as a substitute for the gay one

you're in love with but can never really have?

No. That's his other brother Sam

Paul, Peggy these are my friends

Karen, Jack, and of course, Grace

Grace, it's so nice to meet you

There's a woman where I get my hair

done in Westport She's Jewish, too

Oh, sure

I've seen her at the meetings

Here you are!

Oh, Will, darling

Let me shut the door I don't want to have to deal

with that gossipy new neighbor

Hello! Mrs. Schaefer

Her eldest has a lazy eye Her youngest is a prostitute

Oh, Grace, dear I was just finishing up the soup bowls

I saw a special on the Food Network

on how to make them out of gourds

Oh, food can be such fun

This is where I'm going to die

Who wants a martini?

and I've gone to heaven!

If you need to change there's a guest room

at the top of the stairs

No, mom This is what we're wearing

Oh, good You should be comfortable

I guess I'm just, what?

Am I old-fashioned I guess?

So, uh, where's dad?

Oh, he had a last-minute business meeting

It seems his...client couldn't wait till after the holidays

Oh, you know your father and his work

Yeah, he's dedicated

Hey... I'm sorry Sam couldn't make it

but I'm so glad you're here I never get to see you

Paul, sweetie come sit next to me

Hi, I'm Grace You must be Uncle Winnie

Oh, don't bother, darling

He's on medication He thinks you're a balloon

Oh, and one more thing

That's three

Could you please come and help me?

I'm having some trouble with the garbage disposal

I called the plumber

but it's a holiday so, you know

Oh! Don't touch the wall, Jack

- Will, I'm a-scared - You should be

I like Will's family They drink

Were you serious about what you said before?

Are you really thinking about having sex with someone?

Oh, for God's sakes stop fishing you big lez

It's not gonna be with you

Oh, shucks

And I made myself all purty

But, you know

if I was gonna do it

it'd have to be just the right situation, you know?

And just the right kind of guy

A big, swarthy, hunky working-class kind of guy

You know

the kind that wears a tool belt but doesn't know how to spell it

I wouldn't hold your breath

That kind of guy only exists in porno movies

Uh, excuse me, ladies

someone needed their pipes cleaned out?

Oh, that sounds like your father's ring

Let's eat

I'll get the soup

Tell everybody to take their seats

Their names are on the artichokes

Now, they're all in a particular order

so no switching!

I'm glad I get to taste mom's soup

before Peggy and I have to take off

What are you talking about?

You're not taking off I'm taking off

Oh, I'm sorry, buddy I have to

No, no, no Not this year

Come on, Will You're her favorite

You should stay

I am not her Even so, I'm going!

Whatcha doing? Fixing things?

Well, this disposal I've got a bolt here that

just won't go in

Oh, well, maybe you should talk dirty to it

I mean, you were saying?

Grace, darling

please tuck this napkin under your chin

The last time you ruined my tablecloth with all your

slopping

Well, gotta go

Paul, could I talk to you a minute?

Will, eat your soup Mom made it

It's in gourds

- Guess I'm finished - Are you?

Or are you just getting started?

What's left to do?

Well, if you poke around a little bit

I bet you could find something

I'm sure I can

Don't talk You'll wreck it

What's going on here?

I'm not sure

Oh!

How dare you!

I'm a married woman!

Sorry, man I've got obligations

So do I!

There is a huge difference

between my obligation to my family

and your obligation to your friends

My friends are my family

Your situation is completely different

and you know it! You made that choice

Choice?! Are you kidding me?!

Look, let's go over this again

My being gay is no more a choice

Paul, don't leave yet I just want to send a little bottle

of wine over to Peg's folks for the holidays

Just a little thank you for forgetting us this year

Well, what's going on here?

Nothing Will's crying

I am not!

Look, we just both have places we need to be

We both feel that one of us should stay

- Mom, you pick - Oh, that is so unfair

Don't make her choose

You know who she's gonna pick

I pick Paul

Of course-- What?

Well, I would like to propose a toast

To our own Thanksgiving

To no longer being at the mercy

of our mothers fathers, brothers

Plumbers

Feels pretty good doesn't it?

I hate the way I left things with my mom

I feel terrible

I feel worse about what happened

between me and my step-dad

Why worse?

Because it happened to me

Hey, what about me?

Stan put me in an awful position

And that plumber nearly did, too

Yeah, well, I feel fine

- No, you don't - No, I don't!

How could she pick Paul over me?!

Well, let's dig into this turkey

Wait! Wait a minute!

Um, doesn't it seem wrong to

enjoy a beautiful uneaten Turkey

when you have all this unfinished

emotional business?

You know what? She's right

Two minutes each We say our piece and we get out

But I'm starved

So? The turkey'll still be here

when we get back

Or whatever

Go!

I'm sorry, Rosario

but we'll try to be as quick as we can

Have a piece of fruit to tide yourself over

Fruit, my ass!

Two minutes Go!

Don't talk

I got something to say to you and I don't have a lot of time

I'm angry with you Stanley

Why do you want me to have sex with other men?

I mean, sure I'm miserable without you

but it's not the kind of miserable

that's gonna go away with a quick tongue

wrestle with a

I don't know 5' 10" maintenance man with a

I don't know musky smell of Paco Rabanne

and dirty metal and a

I don't know Chinese serenity symbol

tattooed on his left bicep

Or something I mean, the point is

I don't want any man but you

I love you Every fold, nook

and cranny of you you two-ton English muffin!

Hey, we still got 40 seconds left What do you want to do?

Ok. Only this time

you stick your boobs on the glass

Come on

Happy Thanksgiving Mr. Walker

I love you

Two minutes-- Go!

Hey, everyone would you mind

if I had a minute alone with my mom?

Thanks

There's something I need to say to you

Oh, and what's that?

You already told me I can't act

Did you come back to tell me I can't sing?

Oh, mom of course you can s--

Let's not get into that right now

Look, I-- I hate what I said to you

I was just upset

But the whole "I told you so" thing

it's just that sometimes it seems

like you love being right even more

than you love me

Are you kidding, dear?

I love you more than anything in the world

That's sweet, mom

I guess a part of me does appreciate

that on some level but the dance

Why the dance?

Well, it's cute, darling

Everybody thinks so

Who is "everybody"?

Look, the point is that it bothers you

so I just won't say "I told you so" anymore

Mom, I want to believe that

but in 33 years you have never been

able to restrain yourself

I promise you, dear

you'll never hear it again

- Really? - Really

Thank you for that, mom

- I love you - I love you, too, dear

I told her so!

Two minutes Go!

I just have one question for you

How dare you be so nice to Elliot!

Where was that guy when I was growing up?!

Well, I was probably

Oh, is that supposed to be your answer?

You are ten times the father

with him than you ever were with me

- No, I don't think you - Don't change the subject!

For my 12th birthday I asked for

a "Beautiful Chrissy" doll with beautiful hair that grows

And what did you get me? A dirt bike?!

What the hell's a 12-year-old boy

gonna do with a dirt bike?!

You don't know me at all!

Hey, you don't know me either

It's not like you took any interest in me

I was a kid I wasn't supposed to

Yeah, you got me there

Yeah, I do, don't I?

You were a tough kid to figure out

It was like having a foreign exchange

student in the house

You spoke your own language and wore a beret

Well, you should have tried harder

You're right I should have

I was a crap father I'm sorry

But, Jack I'm not the same guy

Well, I am I'm still mad

I know But what do you get out

of holding on to something like that?

I'd really like us to get closer, Jack

Well, it won't be easy

I'm very complicated

I am a swirling mass of contradictions

Sometimes I'm happy Sometimes I'm sad

Sometimes...

Well, I guess those are the only two

But... You really want to get to know me?

I do

If you want to take the time to get to know me

I guess I wouldn't be adverse to that

I'll take that present now

- Ok, uh - Right there on the bed

I didn't know what to get you, so I just

put some money in a box

Oh, pop, you do know me!

Ok, two minutes Go

So, what? Paul is your favorite now?

Where is he? Favorite?!

I sent him home

You what?

I just-- I don't know I didn't want him around

But you chose him

You'd obviously rather have him around than me

Oh, William, sweetheart

you know I don't have favorites

But if I did you know who it would be

That's why I could pick Paul in front of you

but I couldn't pick you in front of Paul

Because he would have cried, right?

Because he's the crier

Now, go home Be with your family

I'm giving you Thanksgiving off this year

No, no, look I don't think you

should be alone on a holiday

Honey, I'm not alone I've got Uncle Winnie

Bingo! I win!

Do you hear that? He wins

So stop treating me like I'm some fragile old woman

I'm fine. I mean it would be nice

if your father didn't he to conduct

his business on holidays

but, it's not your job to take care of me

Well, I think it is

No, no, please Go home

I'm busy

I have to go through daddy's closet

pick out a couple of suits he loves

and give them to the Salvation Army

Let's go

We can still make it home in time for dinner

- Great. I'm starved - Me, too

I could use some solids

Well, wait till you guys taste this turkey

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