Original subtitles

It's over that way.

Boy, this is complicated.

NETFLIX PRESENTS

I thought it was that way but now it's this way?

I'm confused. Are you sure this is the way?

- I've been following you. - You have to follow the star.

Stop with this star thing!

Last time, we chased a comet for two months!

- We ended up in Greece. - Are you complaining?

Wasn't it worth it? The beaches, Mykonos!

A beautiful and exciting people...

Let's go this way. I've got a good feeling. Come on.

- A good feeling... - That's what scares me.

THE FIRST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST

Are they still living at that manger house?

- Yes. - I don't mean to criticize,

but Joseph could've bought a better place by now.

- With what money? - Isn't he a carpenter?

Yeah, the worst carpenter in the whole world.

I asked him to make me a table once.

It was so uneven that I used it to level my old table.

Seriously, after 30 years, nobody knows the way?

It's too far, Gaspar. It's impossible to remember.

That's why only animals go to their parties.

It's Thelma!

- Thelma! No? Is it her? - Who, Melchior?

- No, it's not Thelma. - Who's Thelma?

A Roman girl I met at a crucifixion.

We made plans to go to Jesus' house together.

You are bringing Thelma to the Lord's house?

Why not? Isn't my name on the list? "Melchior" means "Melchior plus one."

You can't bring someone you just picked up to a family party, Melchior.

Gaspar, no one will notice Thelma in all that chaos.

What chaos? It's an intimate get-together!

It's a very select group.

- That's annoying too. - What?

They only invite us to baptisms, baby showers, bridal showers.

It's like we're a bunch of old maids.

You're starting to sound crazy. Come on, the star, let's go.

- It's tough for me. - What?

The long walk, buying gifts, it's...

Buying gifts? We saw you plucking those back there.

- You've just picked them. - It's the thought that counts.

- The guy is God's son. - What, he doesn't like flowers?

Just so you know, I'm bringing snacks to the party.

- Now let's go. What? - Melchior!

You're a magi, not a caterer.

My ham and cheese roll is so good you'll wanna rub your face in it.

They're Jews and you're bringing pork, dumbass?

Did I say pork?

I said ham!

Nobody has to eat it if they don't want to.

The Shiva worshippers will be there.

- They'll eat it. Now let's go. - Who are they?

- Quit arguing. - All right!

Guys, the place is too quiet.

I'm embarrassed I invited Thelma to such a lousy party.

Judging by the silence, lousy indeed.

- It's boring. - Well, we could...

- Let's get out of here. - No.

Let's go before someone sees us.

No, we go in but say we can't stay 'cause we have other plans.

- Great! Other plans. - Okay?

- Got it, Gaspar? - Yes, it's all good.

- All right, let's go. - Come on.

- Don't you ever knock? - It was open, man.

- It's not here. - It is.

- It's so dark in here. - Hello?

Surprise!

- Holy shit, that must have hurt! - Are you nuts?

- He scared me! - You punched me!

- Oh, Lord, pour your blessing... - What's this?

- No! - That ain't Jesus, Auntie!

You're fucking strong. Goddammit!

Gosh! Are you demented, Aunt?

- Happy birthday to you... - It's not him, Auntie!

Enough, Auntie.

Stop. Clean the shredded papyrus off the floor, will you?

- That's enough. - It was a hard job.

Come on in. Surprise parties can't start late.

I'm late because I was buying him these beautiful flowers.

- Has everyone brought flowers? - But mine has many colors.

- They are all colorful. - No.

- What's up, Three Wise Men? - Hi, Joseph.

- Would you like a drink? - Yeah, sure.

What have you got?

- We've got water. - Water?

From a little waterfall next door.

It's small, but the water is purified by the rocks.

- Very tasty. - But it's water?

There's no wine because Jesus doesn't do miracles yet.

How will Jesus do finding out about being God's son?

- With all the miracles and stuff? - Yeah.

He'll be fine!

- He's so sweet. - You startled me.

He really is sweet.

I'll mention it.

I wrote a speech for the moment, from my heart.

- You wrote it? - It's lovely.

I made some drawings too, so I think he'll get it.

- He's 30 years old, huh, Joseph? - Thirty!

- Time flies. - Is that myrrh?

- Did you bring myrrh again? - Darling.

Wait a minute.

- What's wrong with myrrh? - Someone's gotta say it.

First the flowers, now the myrrh.

- I'll bring nothing next year. - Calm down.

- Does that work for you? - I told you.

- What did you say? - Baltha.

Don't "Baltha" me.

- Respect royalty, Mary. - You've changed.

Mary! He's a king!

- It went to his head. - Don't do that, please!

- I told you. - I brought the food you wanted.

See? He likes me.

- Let's see. It's not pork, right? - It's tasty.

- Smells good. - Is it okay?

Holy shit!

It's delicious. You can't stop eating.

It is delicious. What's in it?

- That's... - Soy! It's soy.

- Melchior made it. - Soy, huh?

- Soy, yeah. - How do you make it?

Well, it's just like a ham roll.

You roll the dough with the soy on it, and that's that.

- Then bake it. - But how do you cook the soy?

Does she think I'm Palmirinha?

I've actually invited her. But can't you tell me?

- Well, soy is about individual taste. - Don't be silly!

Tell me.

- I've never had this. It's yummy. - I...

I personally like to make it... with free-range soy.

Right? It's out in the field, getting exercise,

eating grass, drinking water from the creek.

And when it reaches the right age and weight,

you slaughter it, cut its neck with an axe.

Butcher the soy and that's it. Right?

Yeah, that's it.

Axe the neck? I'm not sure I follow.

It's Melchior's family secret! Right?

It's Mom's thing. You know her.

Didn't your mom use to breed pigs?

- It was soy. - Quiet. Jesus's here.

Get down.

Turn off the lights.

- Surprise! - Surprise!

Fuck!

Dammit, Leonor!

- Are you trying to kill me? - I don't think I'll survive this party.

- Oh, Lord, pour your blessing... - Are you an idiot, Auntie?

- Where's Jesus? - He was spending 40 days in the desert.

But he'll be here soon.

Forty days is too long, honey.

Why? What's wrong?

He's finding himself, leave him be.

I do. I'm just worried, I'm his father, Mary.

We all know that, stop it.

- I'm a father, I feel.. - That's quite an assertion...

- Hey. - Oh, my God.

You've got something here.

Darling, did you really invite him?

Did you want me not to invite his father?

His father? Are you kidding me, Mary?

- He told me he wasn't coming, Joseph. - Wait. What?

- When did you talk to him? - Well...

- "Well" what, Mary? - I don't know. Yesterday.

Yesterday? How? I spent the entire day with you.

- Tell me the truth. - You're so annoying.

- Am I? - Last night, whatever.

- At night. - What? At night?

- Yeah. - While I was asleep?

- Good evening. - Fuck.

- Good evening. How are you? - How are you?

I brought you both a small gift.

- Thank you. You shouldn't have. - Really shouldn't have.

- For both of us. - Wow! Great, thanks.

Beautifully wrapped, I love the fabric.

Look, Joseph!

Didn't I say to you we needed a painting to brighten up the house?

It's our family. Look.

I remember you saying that.

- What? You remember? - It's a figure of speech.

He's been listening to our conversations?

- Don't make a scene. - This is invasion of privacy.

- It's abuse of power! - We love the gift!

Yes, we do.

- Thank you. - I'm glad you like it.

- I'm really happy. - It's beautiful.

Did you see it? I'm only half-painted!

- That's art! - Art?

The artist didn't have time to finish painting everyone.

He didn't have time? Great artist.

- What's his name? - It's me.

Aren't you the Almighty God?

Isn't the Heavenly Father perfect?

But you barely finish a painting?

I had a lot of things to do, Joseph.

He's mocking me, Mary.

I also brought an angel food cake.

But don't worry, no angels were harmed in the making of it!

- Come on. - "No angels were harmed."

- Mary, please! - Have you lost your sense of humor?

That joke is so old that Noah told it.

I'll tell this one to Jesus, so he can spread it.

- Make yourself at home. - Oh, it practically is.

- Is he kidding me? - Are you gonna ruin the party?

Okay. Hey, look! Is your stand-up show over?

Are you done?

Here's your applause. Now go away.

- What's going on, guys? - Son!

- Surprise! - Surprise!

Oh, boy.

Give me a hug, honey!

Wow! We have a full house!

That's nobody. Go away. He's nobody, guys.

- Jay said everyone would be sleeping. - Do I sing again?

- No, Auntie. - She's so cute. I love your outfit.

- Whose birthday is it? - No one. Me.

You monster, you didn't tell me! I didn't buy you a gift!

- Your hair's all messed up. - He's something else.

Who is he? Introduce your friend.

- Who's who? - It's me!

- I'm Orlando. - How are you?

How's it going?

Introductions are not needed, he's leaving.

Where is he from?

From the desert, Dad. You don't know him.

- What do you mean? - From the desert, I...

Auntie Lupita!

Is he a queer?

- 'Cause the other one here is a black. - No!

- Don't mind her... - Let her be.

Eat this.

Take her away. Now!

My aunt says the same thing about lepers and lefties.

Come back later.

Mom, you have to tell me about these things.

How was I supposed to know you were spending 40 days out there?

You didn't tell me! Imagine how I felt.

You're right, I'm sorry. I love the party you threw me.

I'm so sorry, Mom.

How did you know I was coming back today?

- Your uncle... - Hey.

- Uncle Vittorio! I've missed you. - Hey, champ.

- How are you? - I'm fine.

- What about that beard? - Do you like it?

- Yeah, I love it. - It's the desert.

- We let ourselves go a little bit. - You grew it out.

- But why did you shave your chest? - It's... Well, it's for swimming.

- Swimming? - Jesus!

My dear son, my big boy.

The son I have cared for and loved for 30 years now.

I've got you a gift, kiddo.

Dad made you something beautiful.

- Wow! For me? - Yeah, for you!

- How does it work? - Listen, son.

Check it out, just for you.

We get the concept already.

- We see it's a charming little flute. - Thanks a lot.

I've also made you a present. Here it is.

- Check it out. - Oh, my!

You can even play with just one hand. Watch.

Shush!

- What a great sound. - Very good!

Do that on the flute, Joseph!

It's... it's a different beast.

It sure is.

I'll teach you to play the Beatles later.

- What's that? - Jay!

I'm in love with your family.

I was telling Auntie Lupita how we met.

I don't think she gets it.

- No need for that. - It's a great story!

- It's not interesting at all. - It sure is!

Let the man eat.

I was just getting to that part.

No!

Not that! Are you crazy?

- Why? - I was about to tell...

- Nobody wants to know. - Let him talk, we want to know.

- He doesn't know how to tell it. - Don't I?

I was bathing in an oasis.

- I was naked. - And then?

And then I asked for directions.

- I asked and he gave it to me. - You bet I did.

I sure gave it to him.

Aunt Lupita!

Oh, Lord, pour your blessing...

- No, don't pour your drink! - That's not it!

Stop it!

Give it to me. She's naive, she doesn't understand.

- Give me your hand... - Jesus, let me tell you something.

There's a sensitive talk coming up.

Relax, fill your heart with love and get ready.

- Look, keep an open mind. - Keep an open mind.

- Open mind. - All right.

It's so annoying. Okay. What's up?

- Son... - Yeah.

Your father, Uncle Vittorio and I want to talk to you in private.

What is going on?

- It's important. - What is it? Say it.

It's delicate. I've found...

Did you find my diary?

You went through my things!

Do I open your drawers?

There's nothing in my diary!

This is so annoying, I have no privacy in this house!

That's why I'm leaving!

Am I the only one who can't have relationships?

- Jesus... - Is it a crime for a boy to have dreams?

Can't I dream about a cousin? I have blood in my veins!

- What diary? - You didn't find it?

- It's not about a diary. - There's no dairy, you guys!

I don't have a diary! What?

I thought it would be a good time for us to talk.

Oh, that's it? So let's talk right here.

Not here, son. Let's go to our room, please.

- Why? - It's for the best.

- Shall we, please? - Orlando, make yourself at home.

I get along with everyone, you know that.

Lupita and I are besties already.

Plus, I'm in love with this king's bling.

It's gold.

No kidding!

I can't believe it. What rock is that?

My dear, you know we love you a lot, right?

Honey... let me do the talking.

I'll say it, I...

- Okay. - I've been preparing myself...

for 30 years for this moment, so let me say it.

Jesus...

we're here to tell you that...

- I'm your father. - Son of a bitch!

- What was that? - You fucking son of a bitch!

- What? - He knew I wanted to say it, Mary.

He was gonna find out.

But we agreed I would fucking tell him!

What's happening? Uncle Vittorio is my father?

- There's no Uncle Vittorio, I'm God. - He doesn't know how to say it!

I invented speech, darling.

You're so full of yourself, You have no tact.

- Look, son. - Stepson.

He's my son, your stepson at best.

- You're an absent father! - Absent?

I'm omnipresent, I'm always here.

He jerks off, I'm right next to him.

What? That's not right.

- He's so vulgar, he... - That's enough.

Is it over? Are we not respecting each other anymore?

Mom, just to be clear. Uncle Vittorio is God?

There's no Uncle Vittorio!

I'm sorry.

We made that up so you wouldn't get confused.

I'm God and your father. That's what you need to know.

What about Joseph? How are we related?

Joseph is... how can I say this? He's a surrogate father.

He makes me so angry when he says shit like that!

- He's like a babysitter. - I'll throw an armoire at him.

Try to make a curved staircase, an open concept kitchen, bro.

I'll break a plank on your neck, you prick!

- I annihilated dinosaurs with a fart. - Fuck off!

So you and Mom...

- No. - No?

Nothing happened between us.

- Nothing. - Nothing.

Please. Not a all.

I mean...

- What? - "I mean" what?

- Well... - "Well" what?

- Did you forget about the... - What does he mean, Mary?

- What? - What was that, Mary?

- There was... penetration. - What did you say, fucker?

- Repeat what you just said! - Stop it!

- You don't know me! - Joseph!

Are you crazy?

- Chill out, dude. - Show some respect!

- I can penetrate you too. - I'm friends with a Roman!

Mary, calm Joey down.

- Joey my ass, man! - Joey...

- I make axe handles! - Hey!

- Don't mess with me. - Hey! Cut it out!

- The boy's upset. Are you happy? - I don't understand!

Honey, 30 years ago,

archangel Gabriel said I would give birth to God's son, and I said yes.

Then your father...

I mean, your adoptive father, Joseph,

the best man I've ever met, also said yes.

- I'm God's son? - Exactly.

Now I need you to spread the word.

- What word? - Mine.

You say it to one person, who will say it to other two,

who'll say it to other three and so forth.

Like a pyramid scheme?

Relax, son. Life has plans for you.

What about my plans? Huh?

What about my dreams? My calling?

- What is it, honey? - I'm glad you asked, Mom.

I was in the desert doing exactly that, trying to find my calling.

What I realized, with Orlando's help, is that...

I want to specialize in juggling.

- What? - Juggling...

Let's forget about juggling.

You now have superpowers.

What do you mean?

- Let me just... - What? What's up?

Nothing, just...

See this?

Done.

He's crazy, what the...

- Your arm, Joseph! - What have you done?

Joseph, calm down. What is this?

What have you done to my dad?

Stay with me, look at me.

- Stay with me. - Is that my arm?

Look at this! -God's people...

Put it back, work a miracle.

I've never done this. Excuse me, Dad.

Calm down, man!

Easy. Don't...

I think it's in. It should be working.

Fucking asshole!

- That was easy. - It fucking hurts!

- Did I do that? - Never do that again!

If you do that again, you won't...

He did it again!

Why are you doing this? Joseph, stay with me.

Look at his arm.

Joseph? No!

Joseph.

- Put it back, it hurts! - Hold on!

I think I have to twist it, it's not about strength.

See?

- I'm quite liking this. - I told you.

You have to understand that you're God now.

- Okay, but... - Now you can do anything.

Can I go backpacking with Orlando?

Almost anything.

Honey, you have different challenges now.

I don't know. I liked my life before.

I'm not sure I want new challenges, Mom.

But being God's son is a blessing.

I think I'd rather be Joseph's son.

Suck it!

Joseph doesn't have money.

He doesn't have powers, talent,

not even the respect of the community.

He's not even ashamed of these things, but he allows me to be who I am.

Thanks, champ. I love you too.

Did I ever have a choice in my life?

Or was everything decided by those who didn't even check with me?

I know it's a lot to process now, Jesus,

but your life has a greater purpose.

- I need to think. - Leave him alone for now.

- Okay. - Come on.

- Let's go. - Okay.

Let's go. Jesus wants to think about all this.

Sure, you can go.

He wants to be alone.

Yeah, but in my case, it doesn't make a difference.

- I'll "leave" then. - Let me talk to him.

Hey.

I'm sorry, son.

- I spaced out for a bit. - I'm sorry.

Could you maybe snap your fingers like this?

Just raise your hand. Give me your hand, here.

Guys, the water turned into wine!

- Thank you, son. - Joseph.

- Do you hear that? What's that? - I do.

God is very good

He created the world in seven days

And sometime after that

He drowned his kids, hey!

He created Adam and Eve Who had sex with each other

Are we only here because what happened Between a sister and brother?

Let us not dwell on the details We must have faith

God is Almighty But he doesn't make a lot of sense

Jesus Christ, his firstborn He is so fantastic

In the heat of the desert I saw the size of his huge...

Power

- So beautiful! - Bravo!

Thank you!

I'm still working on my rhymes. It'll get better.

I'll sing another one later.

I wrote a very religious song about it raining men.

- You'll love it. - Sure.

- Let's eat. - Let's eat!

Let's eat!

- Wasn't dinner served already? - Can you play this?

This... I can use as a wedge. The keyboard is wobbling.

Joseph, you got this one right!

Guys, this is Thelma.

Hi! It was hard to find the place, but I did and here I am.

- Who's Thelma? - She's a friend.

A friend of mine.

- Would you like a little nibble? - I charge upfront.

Didn't I tell you to dress decently?

- And I did. This is decent. - You must be cold.

- Nope, I'm pretty hot. - No, that's great.

- You're great like that. - You don't feel cold in the bedroom.

- Mary, my pleasure. - One of the Pontius' girls?

No! Mary is the birthday boy's mother.

She's his mother, it's her house.

MILF? Wow, congratulations.

You could make big bucks.

What do you mean?

She's just praising how religious we are.

- Mary is virgin, so please... - Virgin?

- Would she like some work? - Deal with it.

- I'll handle it. - Come here, I gotta talk to you.

My finders fee is 30%. Do you have sparkling wine?

Yes, we have wine.

Leonor, here.

I'm Jesus' father.

- Cool! - I make custom furniture.

If you need anything, just holler.

Shush! Of course she's not a prostitute!

She's just hungry.

She's either a whore or an ostrich. Which one is it?

She's just a person who doesn't want to be oppressed

in a sexist system, in this society you live in.

- Is that so? - So tell her... Oh, my!

Tell her to abide by the rules of this society for today.

Look, Melchior!

You're such a bully!

- Oh, am I? - You are.

You criticize all my girlfriends!

I could punch you in the face.

- Thelma, come here... - Sparkling wine!

- Here! - Take mine!

Try mine, it's sweet.

- Who put raisins in the rice? - I did!

I cooked this entire spread.

- I also added cloves to the turkey. - But why, Joseph?

Apples straight from our backyard to the potato salad. It's delicious!

And there's no chocolate cake this year, folks!

Guess what? The surprise is a walnut cake

with three layers of juicy prunes and rum...

Joseph, tell you what, don't change anything else.

Come on, Baltha, you must try the candied fruit.

- I loved it! - Did you, Orlando?

I did! I only missed cilantro on these dishes.

- I forgot! I have some. - Add it now.

Mary knows where it is. Where's Mary?

- Isn't she with Jay? - Maybe.

- What's that? - Production left it here.

- I'll add cilantro. - There's no need!

- Trust me. - Let's start Secret Santa!

Good call, Mary. Let's start Secret Santa!

Mine's Balthasar.

You can't say who, Auntie

Is it charades, then?

Geez, Aunt Lupita is on borrowed time in this world.

I didn't bring a gift, but I can give a one-hour gift certificate.

Like, let's say my Secret Santa is you.

Cool party, huh?

- It's just incense. - It's me, Mary.

Those folks are cool.

Have you seen Joseph around?

Huh? Have you?

- Are you gonna keep running from me? - Show some respect.

- When, Mary? - Show some respect.

You're no secret smoker, I know you.

- I've been in your head. - This is my house, Vittorio.

I love it when you call me that to tease me.

Stop it, Vittorio.

I love this manger and goat poo smell.

- Stop it. - I've just created a big rock.

- Do you feel it? - I do

And that's how Noah put the animals in the ark.

Cool story, God.

We're looking for...

We're looking for everyone.

Aren't you Melchior's guest?

Yes, Melchior. I wonder...

if he's not there in the bushes.

- No one left the house. - I think I'll take a look anyway.

What for?

Wow, I smell tobacco.

- There he is. - Is he?

- Go straight. - Over there.

I saw him there in the shadows.

- This is crazy. - I know, right?

- Let's leave this place. - What are you doing?

- Let's run away together. - Stop it.

Humanity's already compromised, it may as well explode.

- So? - No.

I'll build us a hotel by the beach. You'll have your own business.

I can't.

You can do anything. I've waited 30 years for this.

What if Jesus doesn't accept it?

I'll find some other idiot.

- Anyone can be in charge here. - Let me talk to him.

- Do you want to go to another planet? - Stop it, Vittorio.

- Let's go to Mars. - Stop it.

- Let's go to Jupiter. - Please...

- Or Uranus. - You'll talk like that?

- Uranus is far away, Uranus is hot. - Don't talk like that.

- But I'll keep you cool with my beard. - Your voice.

You know what it can do.

You don't have to use that voice.

- Stop it! - What's wrong?

Stop it, Vittorio. Are you insane?

- Mary, you're messing with my life. - You're insane!

- You're fucking with my head. - What's going on?

You drive me insane, Mary.

- Come here. - Stop it.

I've just created another rock. Feel it.

- Mary! - Oh, my! It's Joseph.

It's Joseph. He's coming.

Go. He'll see us.

Mary?

Where's this woman?

- Do you want me to make him blind? - Stop it.

- It'll be quick. - Stop.

Want me to give him a limp? It's trendy now.

- There's two on every corner. - Well, perhaps...

- Let's do this. - Stop it! I'm going crazy.

- Promise you'll think about it? - I'll talk to Jesus first.

You deserve a man who values you.

- All right, let me go. - Go.

For the sake of me.

- May I help you? - Excuse me.

- Where are you going? - I live here.

- Jesus is resting. - What?

He was exhausted. But I'll let him know you came by.

Okay? Later.

- I'm his mother. - I know.

- Would you like to leave a note? - Don't tease me, okay?

I know where you came from. I know your type.

I'm know people who had fathers kill their sons.

- It's Mary, right? - Mrs. Mary for you.

I'll call you Maricota. Maricota, Jay is exhausted.

Those 40 days in the desert were entrancing.

He did a lot of things he didn't even know he could.

So shall we let him rest, Minnie?

First of all, "Minnie" my ass.

Okay? Yeah. This is the true Mary.

This is the real Proud Mary, the one who steps on the serpent's head.

And my son won't be manipulated by a desert beggar.

- It's not begging, it's volunteering. - I'll tell you what.

I'll get into that room,

or your next volunteering job will be for an NGO,

rescuing from the bottom of the Dead Sea

your rotten, half-eaten balls.

- Geez Louise! - Excuse me. Thank you.

So aggressive.

Jesus. Did you lock it?

- He probably did. - He never locks his door.

Let your bird fly, Minnie.

Jesus!

He's asleep, it must be the tea.

- What tea? - He was feeling confused.

He said he needed to think, to ease his mind,

so I made him a tea.

- What kind of tea? - I found it hidden in your kitchen.

- Did you use Joseph's tea for glaucoma? - Is it strong?

How much did you use?

Jesus was thirsty, poor thing. He drank it all.

Honey?

This tea is good stuff.

It's Mom, baby.

- Honey? - Orlando?

- Honey? - Orlando!

- Life has other plans for you. - Your life has a greater purpose.

CONGRATULATIONS ADULT JESUS XXX YEARS

Keep an open mind.

Is he a queer?

How Jesus will do finding out about being God's son?

You have to understand that you're God now.

Now you can do anything.

Where am I?

You're inside your head.

Who are you?

We've all been through this dilemma.

I'm Buddha, he's Shiva.

- Who are you? - Tom Cruise will explain it one day.

And there's Jah, but he's hard to reach.

I could eat some beans, if you have any.

There's Allah too. Look.

Allah's gonna be right back, right?

Yeah, he's very shy.

Aren't you supposed to have four arms?

Fuck. Agnaldo!

Hold on, I'm coming. Sorry! On my way.

Just a minute, sorry. I was on my lunch break.

Hello, everyone.

- Take your place. - Calm down.

Jesus, being a God is super fun.

- I had other plans. - We all did.

Do you think I wanted to be here, all painted in blue,

- being rubbed from behind by Agnaldo? - I'm not having fun either.

But why me?

Bottling up anger

is like holding burning coal to throw at someone.

- You get burned. - Cut the shit, Buddha!

What?

Every time you don't know the answer to something,

you make something up to pretend you know it all.

And you know nothing.

- I know more than you. - What's the meaning of life?

Well, the meaning of life...

is a leaf floating down a river,

with no water, no borders, just...

These ridiculous clichés only work with your followers.

- It doesn't pan out here, honey. - Admit you don't know!

I could eat some ice cream.

Guys, let's focus.

What are you afraid of, Jesus?

I'm afraid of failing, of being misinterpreted.

Just write everything down. No one will get it wrong.

But am I the right person for this?

Relax, man!

People are gullible. They'll literally believe in anything.

Look at me!

Look at Shiva! Look at this guy!

Want a drag?

Do you think I have to accept it?

I think this opportunity won't come knocking again, man.

Well, thank you, you've cleared my head.

That's it, Jesus.

Keep on learning and...

- What the hell! - I can't stand him!

- Enough! - What's the matter?

- I can't take this! - I was just saying...

He's fucking annoying!

Calm down, everyone. You don't need to do that.

I'm leaving.

High five.

- Where's the other one? - Hey, bro.

Did you realize you'll be father and son at the same time?

- That shit's dope, bro. - Don't mind him, he's long gone.

I'm high as a kite.

Where am I?

Oh, shit.

Damn it!

I'll name this painting The Baptism of God's New Son.

- Damn it! - No?

- Again? - I can't believe it.

- It'll work this time. - Are you sure?

You tried so many times...

Actually, the red looks a bit...

You know what? It's done.

You're all set.

And you've been baptized. I do this and we're done.

Thanks God!

What's going on?

- Jesus! - Thank you, Lord!

He's back!

He's back!

I knew you'd come back.

- I'm so glad. - Came back from where?

You were gone for a week.

It felt like five minutes.

Joseph's tea is strong, I told you.

We thought you'd given up on your mission.

- No, I was just thinking about it. - Jay, relax.

I told them who you really are.

I told them you're wild. You're a naughty Capricorn,

sometimes too naughty.

Look, Orlando...

The Three Wise Men helped me.

And you're absolutely right, no one can choose your path.

Orlando was a blessing in this household.

- Stop it, you! - He was!

Do the stand-up bit about me telling Abraham to kill his son again.

I'll do it!

On my way here, I ran across Abraham with an axe.

- I said, "Abraham!"... - I know that one.

He didn't write it. You're stealing someone's joke!

- Jeez! - I'm here to say exactly...

Jay, chill out.

- What's up? - You're too late. I'm God's son now.

You can go back to Joseph.

Orlando.

I think it's time you call me Lucifer.

- Holy fuck. - Call me Lucifer.

It was so easy to tempt you back in the desert, Jesus.

What do you mean?

I did it in the blink of an eye.

I can't believe you were someone else this whole time.

Were you using me, bro?

I believed you, dude.

I thought it was real,

I thought I was special.

But, no, you were just using me.

You're toxic, you know that?

You fuckboi!

- Lucifer, I order you... - Out!

My God!

Wow, I like this power!

You're done, grandpa!

God's time is over.

- His son will have to take over. - I said I'll do it if...

I took over his power, I'm his son.

Who will be my first lady?

Gross.

I can't seem to find it... Hey!

Take your hands off my wife right now...

Goddamn!

I'll make the world great again!

It's time for my revenge.

- They can be in Cinderella now! - My godfathers!

Son, I don't know what's happening to me.

Only you can save us.

Orlando.

It can be the easy way or the hard way.

Look at her!

Seriously? Fish?

Sorry, I'm still learning.

Mary, go grab some bread.

I'll show you some real skills.

Oh, my God.

It's useless, Jesus.

You're not strong enough to fight me.

Join me.

Let's rule the world together.

Nobody will be able to stop us.

I'll show you skills.

It's no use trying. I can do whatever I want with you.

That's it. Spin.

Spin, spin, and stop!

Do the Macarena now!

Hand on your head, that's it!

Can you twerk? Go all the way down.

You got it, queen!

All right. Show me.

That's it.

Do the limbo dance, come on.

There you go. Let me see.

That's right. On one leg now.

Run from the dragon! Where is it?

There he is! Run!

You're a hobbit! Get the diamond!

Get it from the cave and run from the dragon.

It spat fire at you! Get down!

Get up! Grab the diamond. Go into the cave!

And... cut! I'm tired.

Come on, Mary. Dance!

Dance!

Mice! There are mice here!

Son, he is among us.

Orlando, you... you're right.

I know.

God's time is over.

That's right.

And there can only be one God's son on Earth.

I like smart people.

And that son...

he can be anywhere.

What do you mean?

He is among us.

I'm not sure I follow.

God is everywhere.

I see him right there with a broken hip.

But he is also inside each one of us,

including you.

How's that? I'm not sure I...

No?

What's this?

What? Where's Jesus?

Forget it, he left. He's a coward.

He knows he can't...

He knows...

I'm feeling... He kno...

I ate something that didn't agree with me.

It's just heartburn.

Fuck you!

- Joseph! - Mary!

- Are you all right? - Yeah.

Look at me.

What's this?

Oh, my God, Balthasar.

Is this jam?

I saw mice around here.

Where are they?

Do you get now why I need you, son?

Yes, Dad.

Evil always comes back.

It's unbelievable.

- Are you all right, Jesus? - I am now, Mom.

Shoo! Go away, mice!

I'm glad you've accepted your mission, son.

I haven't accepted yet, Dad.

What do you mean?

- You just said you understand. - I do, but I haven't accepted it.

I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of everything.

Besides, it's not a good fit for me, you know? I...

I'm not sure I agree with your style.

Getting a father to kill his son just for laughs.

Turning an entire city into stone after killing everyone.

Holding Jonas inside a fucking whale for a whole month.

That's wrong.

I'm into juggling, beads,

music,

poetry...

I know our styles are different.

Sometimes my pranks go too far.

But hear me out.

You just turned 30, right?

So how about we try a three-year internship?

- Is that possible? - Sure.

If you don't want to do it when you turn 33,

I'll find someone else and you go back to your poetry,

your music and all that.

Wait. Is this for real?

If I change my mind three years from now,

everything goes back to how it was?

Absolutely. At 33, you're free to go.

Promise?

I'm God, I don't lie.

Okay. But under one condition.

What is it?

I want to choose the twelve men who'll follow me.

Oh, I see.

You know it doesn't have to be men, right?

They could be women.

I know, but I already have twelve guys in mind.

- Of course you do. - Hey, what happened?

- Son of a bitch! - What the heck!

He's dead.

He scared the shit out of me. He came out of nowhere.

There's no need for that. That's what I was talking about.

Resurrect him already.

- What's that fire over there? - Where?

Mary, come with me.

- No. I can't. - Come quick.

In this house, a fire would spread in a heartbeat.

I want to create a girl with you.

- Where's the fire? - Nowhere. Stop it.

- What? - Nothing.

It's so unnecessary.

There you go.

- Say goodbye to your mom. - Bye, son.

Bye, Mom. Thanks for everything.

We love you.

- Bye, Auntie. - May God be with you.

Sorry about this mess. Wow!

Are we going to Heaven?

Oh, this? No. We're going to Galilee.

I just like a grand, dramatic exit, with light effects and all.

The poor love these things.

- Lord! - What is it, Joseph?

I wanna talk to him.

Hear me out, God.

I was very immature

in this unnecessary fight

over Mary's and Jesus' love.

So I wanted to apologize.

I was wondering if we could...

if we could be friends.

Sure.

- Friends? - Friends.

- Shall we? - What was that for?

- It was just a handshake. - My arm!

It fucking hurts!

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