Original subtitles

Did you knock 'em dead Corky?

I did everything right.

You mean it went perfect?

You're first time on your own.

Me not there to see.

Don't make it more than it was.

Now don't give me that inferiority crap.

Now, did the lift go okay?

I never did it better.

Open.

Now, when you're rich and famous,

don't you forget me.

I'll never forget you.

Open.

There are not three guys alive

that can do what you can with those cards.

I'm tellin' ya kid,

you're as good as the game.

Sure, sure, sure.

Another Houdini.

Where you scared?

I sure was when I started.

Well I wasn't calm.

But then,

I wasn't all that worried.

I figured I'd uh...

done all the practicing I could so what the hell.

Were you the only magician?

Yes sir.

The men all wanted to be Bob Dylan

and the girls did mostly Barbara Walters imitations

or sang Dolly Parton songs.

Some of them panicked

before they got up to perform.

Not you though?

No, not me.

See, the guy who was in charge of everything

ran things so well.

He had one of those hourglass egg timers

and when he turned it over you started,

and when the sand was finished

so were you.

Good evening.

Tell me kid,

did you begin with some flourishes?

Yeah.

You always taught me

that they were the best attention grabbers.

Was I, was I right?

It was amazing.

Everybody quick shut up and watched.

No more whispering.

Nothing.

And once you had 'em Corky,

then what did you do?

Well I quick told this pudgy lady at the ringside

to please pick any card she wanted

as long as it was the big casino,

the ten of diamonds.

Okay, would you please show the card to the audience?

And I forced it on her perfectly.

Everybody loved it a lot and laughed.

And then I went straight into rising aces.

Did the lift work great?

Yes sir.

The sand was really running out of that hourglass.

And I told myself to forget it

and just concentrate on the moves.

So I took my time and made it work

and everybody applauded like crazy.

So I just took a couple of bows

and I got off.

Oh kid.

Don't bullshit me.

I really did do everything right.

Really.

Only nobody much cared.

And?

And?

Go on.

I guess I just cracked.

"You stupid sons of bitches, "I said,"

"Don't you know how hard that was?"

"That's a thousand hours of my life you just saw."

They don't care from heart kid.

They just want to be entertained.

I guess I didn't do you proud all in all.

But did you talk to the people?

Did you use your charm?

I can't, and you know that.

Corky?

You want to be

as good as the game.

Don't you?

You know I do.

Then you gotta find yourself

some charm kid.

How?

You'll think of something.

Hey man, why don't you...

Hi, I'm George Todson, NBC.

I'm to meet Mr. Ben Greene.

Oh, yes sir.

He's right inside.

Thank you.

Say my man, how come he goes ahead of us?

I guess this boy Withers

is your latest sensation, hmm?

Oh yeah, sit down.

Yeah, since you booked him into a very classy spot Ben.

And I found him here.

You know, it's not easy getting him to move.

You want a beer?

It's safe.

Sure.

He likes this place?

Well, he bombed here

his first time out, you know?

But he didn't get...

hey, get him a beer garcon.

Sure, Budweiser?

But he didn't give up.

He just worked his ass off for a year.

He come back.

And he hit it big.

There's never been a magician like him.

You dragged me down here for a magician?

Come on Ben.

I run a goddamn network.

We can't book those guys

on kiddy shows anymore.

Now listen,

your old man got his start working for me

you little fart.

Don't tell me what bombs.

Magic is misdirection.

That's all it is.

And misdirection is getting the people to look

in the wrong place at the right times.

So?

So naturally,

magic has had a little trouble on the tube.

Why?

Because you can't misdirect

the goddamn camera.

Ladies and gentlemen,

a warm welcome for Mr. Corky Withers.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Ordinary deck of cards.

Loaded with stage presence.

I can't decide,

does he remind me more of Errol Flynn

or Valentino?

Thank you.

Young lady, would you please pick any card you want?

As long as it's the big casino,

ten of diamonds?

Will you show the audience please?

Dynamite opening Ben.

Does he actually get better?

That's hard to believe.

Well he got a little nervous

on account he knows we're here.

My teacher was a great man.

His name was Merlin, and uh...

No, seriously his name was Merlin, Jr.,

and this is his version of the rising aces.

And here were are, here are the four aces.

One,

two,

three,

four.

I'm going to place them back on top of the deck.

And would you please pick any card?

Just pick any card.

Good.

Look at the card, remember it,

and cover the aces.

Thank you.

All right uh...

I'm sorry, I did that wrong.

You're not supposed to cover the aces in this trick.

Um, I'm sorry.

One sec.

He's gonna pull a five card left.

Watch him,

just watch him, will ya?

Goddamn drunks.

He's not liftin' just the top card.

He's gonna grab five.

Sir, if you think you can do better,

you're welcome to try.

Just gimme a hand getting up there schmucko.

And step aside.

Okay, you're on.

Okay.

What's going on.

Thank you.

You really think you're that good do you?

I'll guaran-fuckin'-tee ya I am.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Ahhh...

You ruined the rising aces.

So what, screw it.

You see the broad with the big jugs?

You mean the ah, young lady in the feathers?

Yeah, I see her so what?

Wonder if she'ld like a roll in the shavings with me?

I don't think you're very funny.

Well they do.

Thank you.

Thank you.

A nice gimmick, the dummy.

What's his name?

Fats.

Don't encourage him.

I will now change a diamond into a heart.

I guess the reason I'm such a great lover is um...

I don't want to hear about your sex life

if you don't mind.

Tell us all about yours then.

Everybody likes short stories.

Shhh, Don't encourage him please ladies and gentlemen.

That's really a clever shtick.

Thank you.

All right,

pick a diamond.

Huh?

I said pick a diamond.

All right.

It can change into a heart while I'm holding it.

Well, go on, show the audience.

If you're so great,

change it while I'm holding it.

You won't give it back to me?

Well that's another trick you've ruined.

Let's see,

I'll just have to think of something else.

You mean you're not gonna change my diamond into uh...

Jesus Christ.

What?

It turned into a heart

while I was holding it.

How'd he do that?

How'd he do that?

How did he do it?

How many times do I have to tell you.

Do you want to get out of here alive?

The kids good, I'll give him that.

Sure he's good.

I got me maybe the best magician in 50 years.

Team'd with the first X-rated dummy on the block.

Eat your heart out.

You say he really bombed here first time?

Yes.

Of course he didn't have the dummy with him then.

The dummy helps.

No question.

Right.

Local talent?

No.

He was brought up near Grossinger's in the Catskills.

I think his old man was a limey.

Came here to work in a health club

and gave massages.

Somethin' like that.

It's me.

Chick, It's old Gangrene.

Gangrene.

That's funny.

Quick into.

Corky, our visitor from New York, George Todson.

How do you do sir?

You have a lot of potential.

Hey what about me?

You're terrific too Fats.

Thanks Mr. Wigston,

I mean Tubeston.

Todson.

Todson.

Now that's what I call funny.

Hey, you'll strain your pacemaker.

Behave yourself.

Come here a second, will ya?

Ah, by the way,

how did you change the diamond to the heart?

I'm the misdirection dummy.

While we're bullshittin',

you could bring an elephant on to the stage.

Which is why this magician

will not bomb on the tube.

Why?

Because the goddamn camera watches their faces

and not Corky's hands.

So you live and you learn.

See ya.

Bye.

Yeah, all right.

How'd it go?

Sen-fuckin'-sational.

See I'm catching.

What happens next?

Well, we reel 'em in slow.

The same kind of low key build up

we gave Steve Martin last year.

I'm not lettin' you near New York,

till we're close to making a deal.

So I just stay here?

No, first, I'd like to book you

in a small lounge in Vegas for the experience.

Then the area talk shows.

You know, Tom Snyder, Mike Douglas.

All leading to Carson.

And if he asks you to come back,

I think he will,

that should do it.

So, you keep motor mouth here in line,

while I work on them

droolers at the network.

It should take five, maybe six months.

Now, when I buy you a free lunch

at the Four Seasons in New York,

you'll know you're home free.

Sound okay?

Yes sir.

You're a good kid Corky.

Hey, you know what I think?

No, what do you think?

We're gonna be a star.

Zachary!

Seems like I'm breaking the law.

I'll see that no one touches it sir.

No one must ever touch a Rolls, but a Rolls man.

Yes sir.

Margo, will you show this gentleman

to Mr. Greene's table please?

Hi.

Hi.

Is everything all right?

They want me?

The uh, network people I mean.

May I?

Yeah, thank you.

Have a cigar for later Corky.

Take two, they're are big.

I invented conspicuous consumption.

Don't you forget that.

If you're trying to get my attention you got it.

Will you do me a favor kid,

will you try not to turn shit heel.

It's almost an automatic

once a guy makes it big.

I'd love to see you beat the odds.

Maybe I won't make it big.

Come on, tell me.

What is it.

Two years ago, you couldn't get arrested.

Two years from now

you are going to have it all.

Corky, NBC wants a pilot special.

What's that?

What's that,

it's what they gave Rich Little a while back.

Menu sir?

Ah, you see, when they're hot for somebody

like they're hot for you,

they make a contract which hinges on the first show.

And if it hits,

you're off and running for a bunch more.

Terrific.

That's why they call me the Postman,

I always deliver.

Is it set and, everything?

It's set but it's not set, set.

There's agent stuff like who pays how much for publicity,

how much for the guest stars.

You'll have to take a medical exam

and stuff like that.

Now what's wrong.

Um...

I don't think I'm going to take the medical exam.

Any particular reason.

Principle.

What the hell does that mean, principle?

Do you remember that first night

when you came backstage at the uh, Stardust

and you said, you wouldn't mind representing me.

Do you remember what I said?

You're goddamn right.

You said that I could represent you

but you didn't want to sign.

That was principle too.

Because if we're happy with each other,

our word should be enough.

To hell with signing some piece of paper.

Why is this with the medical exam principle?

Because they're saying something wrong with me.

And I say I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I don't need any doctors

poking around inside me that's all.

Are you serious about this?

I mean is this a deal breaker?

Yeah, I guess it is.

Sadie, Sadie.

I have to put you on hold.

Sadie, what's the first rule for being an agent?

Never forget an act that killed Lincoln.

Head of the class.

Get me Bernstein in Legal.

Corky has turned impossible.

I don't believe it.

Well, I should have been a cesspool cleaner

like my mama wanted.

Corky's so cheap,

last night he sent his girlfriend out to hustle.

It's not true, not true.

Just ignore him.

When she came back this morning,

he asked how much she'd gotten and she said

"Sixteen dollars and ten cents".

Corky said "ten cents?

My God, who gave you ten cents?"

And she said "Everybody".

Dammit.

Everybody, she said,

Body, body, body.

Dody, dudy, duny.

And she said...

And she said...

and she said everybody.

Hello?

I've been having meetings for hours.

I couldn't budge 'em Cork.

I thought you said they wanted me?

Well they do Cork, but...

Didn't you explain about the principle?

Now kid, this is network policy.

It's legal policy.

Now I'm sitting here

with three of our genius lawyers,

my God, their IQ's alone

must total up to 100.

Now we have called NBC a dozen times

and they are not,

I repeat not about to spend

a half a million bucks

only to find out on taping day

that there's some kinda health problem.

There's no problem.

Corky!

Make 'em understand.

Well...

shoo will you fellas.

Let me handle this alone.

Yep.

Good luck Ben.

Yeah.

Now kid I don't have to ask you

what the trouble is.

'Cause I know what the trouble is.

I've told you once before.

It's just success kid.

Please believe me.

You want success

but you're afraid of it.

Now that happens to everybody at this stage.

I'm not afraid.

Now you stay right there.

and I'll be right over

and we'll talk it through.

I'm not afraid.

Hang tight kid.

I'm on my way.

I won't be here.

We should hit Grossinger's inside another 20 minutes.

Never mind that.

Take your next left.

Here.

Keep going into town.

Your place?

I was brought up here.

Must remember it being a whole lot bigger huh?

No.

Wanna look around.

No point.

Family all gone huh?

Yeah.

Ah, you're lucky.

I live with four brothers.

All assholes.

I don't want to come on like some ghoul, but uh...

do you got people in there?

People?

Just family.

You look a lot like yourself, you know that?

Yeah, I caught you on the Carson Show a couple times.

You must make a ton for that huh?

How'd you luck into that?

You know?

See, I sing great.

I know they'd cream over me.

My agent, William Morris, arranged it.

Is this Morris guy

a personal friend of Carson?

Is that how that works?

William Morris is the name of a agency, not a guy.

Oh.

Hold it, right here.

Pull over to your left.

Fine.

Hey, this is Lake Melody ain't it?

I'll be right back.

Anybody?

Anybody home?

What do you want?

A cabin.

We're kinda closed.

Something above the lake is what I'm after.

It's just the kind of place I'm looking for.

I won't be disturbed here.

That's for sure.

But like I said,

we're kinda closed.

$50 bucks a night.

In advance.

We just re-opened.

If you don't want me waitin'?

How you gonna get to Grossinger's?

I'll call a local cab when I need one.

How much?

$80 bucks,

not countin' tip.

Okay.

Uh...

Here's a hundred for the driving,

and another hundred,

for a favor.

Name it.

You didn't bring me here, okay?

Okay.

Good.

Thanks.

What you see is what you get.

The um, the bedroom's back there

and the kitchenette and the bathroom across.

Fine.

Here's your key.

Help!

Help!

Calling all schmucko's.

Save me.

Hi.

Hi.

Jesus Christ.

This is Grossinger's?

I wonder if her ass is on ball bearings.

Shut up.

Oh, sounds like I stepped on a corn.

Sorry.

It's just that I carried her picture all these years.

And she didn't remember me.

Aw...

He didn't remember me.

Hello?

Sorry to bother you.

Oh, that's all right.

No soap.

I didn't think you'd like it.

You leaving now?

No I didn't mean no soap that way.

I meant there wasn't any soap,

or towels either.

Oh, come on in here and grab one.

Oh, oh my God,

you brought Fats.

You thought Peg didn't remember.

Aw...

You knew who I was too?

Yeah.

Well why didn't you two

at least grunt at each other?

He's just as cute as he is on the tube?

Cute?

Virile yes.

Sexy yes.

Ronald Reagan is cute.

Oh please, could I hold him,

I'll be careful.

Oh, he's heavy.

Husky you bimbo.

His lips didn't move.

That's because you're not stroking my levers sweetheart.

Right in there.

Oh, she goosed me.

Ignore him, go right ahead.

Okay.

There.

And there.

I see.

I love it.

Hey, she hugged me to her bosom.

I suspect she found me irresistible.

Don't we all?

She asked you over for dinner, huh?

How long are you going to stay?

I don't know, why?

If you stayed late, that might mean

you was getting hugged to her bosom too

which just might make old Fats jealous

and we wouldn't want that,

would we now?

Hmm?

You never really told,

why you were here.

I'm hiding.

Gotta get my head on straight.

My agent,

he looks like the Ancient Mariner

in that poem we hated in high school.

He's negotiating for a shot for me

to maybe make it big.

We argued.

But I thought it was just principle.

The truth is probably I'm scared of success.

That's all.

You always were this

weirdly timid person Cork.

That's for sure.

Your folks still run this place?

No, they took a motel in Florida.

Gave this place to me.

But I just couldn't make a go of it.

Too bad.

The Catskills are dying and that's the truth.

Me and Duke are lookin' to sell.

God, you're beautiful.

Don't I wish.

I had such a crush on you.

No one ever accused you of having good taste, Cork.

When I moved away I whittled you a present,

a wooden heart.

You never gave it to me though.

I lost it before I got it finished.

I knew you had a crush on me.

I was always pretty for you.

I didn't say pretty.

You didn't pick up on my Duke mention either.

After all, he is my consort.

My spouse.

I'm very big on enlarging my vocabulary.

Are you very big on Duke?

We seem to separate what seems like,

every full moon,

it hasn't been your everyday

Walt Disney type marriage.

Where is he?

Quick business trip.

I'm sorry.

Tell me, does he...

does he still look like James Dean?

Hey.

Hey.

Hearty burgundy.

Very medicinal.

Peg?

Admit it, now I'm beautiful.

How was the orgy?

Did you score?

The high point of the evening

was when I reduced her to tears.

That-a-boy schmucko.

Hey, when are we movin' on?

Tomorrow.

The day after.

Soon.

Peggy Ann Snow, Peggy Ann Snow,

please let me follow,

where ever you go.

Why'd you close the door?

I'm contemplating taking a piss,

do you mind?

Ooh, fancy yancy.

Hey stick your head out here one sec.

Was you thinkin' about her?

...stuff like that.

So how long did you work with this Merlin guy?

I worked for him, years.

But uh, he taught me everything.

But I never performed.

Never on my own.

Why not?

Probably afraid I'd fail.

Dope.

It wasn't 'til the week he took really sick.

And uh, he begged me

that I got the guts to try.

Did you bring any tricks up with you.

No.

I don't do tricks.

Tricks means something set up beforehand.

A box with a fake lid.

A stacked deck of cards.

I don't do that.

Will you just use whatever's available?

Yeah.

Ah.

Here.

Amaze me.

A stone?

Oh come on will ya.

Well that was available.

Oh, do it again.

Do it again.

Certainly.

Oh, come on.

Okay.

You bastard.

You bastard.

I really love magic.

No magic, it's just skill.

All explainable.

I don't think I want to believe that.

Can you explain everything?

Pretty much.

What can't you explain.

Look I don't want to get into this.

Magic's just to entertain.

You're not supposed to take it seriously.

What can't you explain?

Merlin, his wife was his assistant before me.

They were close.

They really cared.

Those last days in the hospital with her

he claimed he could read her mind.

You believe that don't you?

I don't know.

I want to I guess.

See in their act,

they used to do a lot of phony telepathy crap.

Mostly cards.

Then at the end they both wanted to do it for real.

To prove to each other how much they cared,

is how he put it.

Do you know

the exact procedures they did and everything?

Sure.

Look, I don't want to get into this.

Oh, it'll be fun.

Come on.

I'd fail.

So what.

I don't want you thinkin' bad of me let's say.

Okay.

Forget the whole thing.

I'm trying to get away from pressure, please.

So who's putting you under pressure?

Not me.

Just thought it might be a kick.

But it's forgotten.

Now we've each shuffled a deck, okay?

Now you take mine.

So...

just spread your cards like this.

Fine.

Okay.

Now take one card, any card.

Look at it.

And remember it.

Now what?

Now come on, you must really look at it.

I'm looking, I'm looking,

don't be mad.

Okay.

Just concentrate on that one card.

Now gather your cards up.

Place the card back face down.

Good.

Just cut the cards once.

Just take my deck.

Look for your card.

When you find it,

take it out.

Tell me when you've found it.

Okay.

Okay?

What happens now?

What happened with Merlin was uh,

she put the card next to her heart.

And uh, he went through her deck kind of like this.

Uh...

What's my card?

I don't know.

You must really think hard.

Okay.

Okay, I'm thinking really hard.

Well?

I'm sorry.

Well don't stop.

I'm concentrating my ass off.

Okay.

My God it's red isn't it?

It's red.

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

I give away nothing.

Come on concentrate,

just concentrate.

Hey.

Show me.

We came close, what the hell.

Sit down Peg.

Get back down.

That was your fault.

You started out fine.

But then you let me drift.

Jesus Cork, forget it.

I was in bad shape in New York, Peg,

and I had to run.

Where do you go when there's no place to go?

You go home.

Except there was nothing but empty houses

and old cemeteries.

And I figured I'd stop by here

and ask your folks about you.

Where were you living, what city, how many kids?

Never expected to find you here.

I've loved you all my goddamn life.

I needed a piece of good news about Peggy Ann Snow.

Shuffle the goddamn cards fast.

We're gonna do it right this time.

I just know we will, because we both want it a lot.

Give me your deck.

Take my deck.

Spread the cards.

Take your card.

Pick it out.

Look at it.

Put it back on top.

Now, cut the deck once.

Take my deck, look for your card.

When you find it tell me.

Look at me.

Should I think now.

Yes, very hard.

I am.

You're not, I can tell by your eyes your not.

Well I'm frightened is why.

Nothing to be afraid of.

If it goes bad.

It won't go bad,

not if two people want something as much as this.

There must be nothing in your mind but your card.

Nothing in your mind but...

What?

My card.

Concentrate.

Just think, think hard.

Is it...

Please is it...

Is it the three of clubs?

The three of clubs?

I didn't fail.

I didn't fail.

I didn't fail.

I didn't fail.

I'll bet they don't give

service like that at Grossinger's.

Drop in again in 15 years.

Why the jokes?

I'm kind of feeling my way along.

I never fooled around before.

True.

I guess sex wasn't that big a deal in my life.

What about Duke?

Mainly he blew in my ear a lot.

True.

I deceived him into thinking it drives me mad.

He tongues away at me

and I moan a lot but...

secretly I'm making a grocery list.

Oh, I can be a very crappy lady

if I put my mind to it.

Come here.

Let's you and me take off.

Just us.

You don't care for Duke and you know it.

I dump Duke,

and you'd leave Fats,

that's your offer?

Yeah, just say the word and we'll go.

A man appears after 15 years.

Says run away with me.

A girl ought to at least

be able to take a bubble bath.

Think about it, right?

Why in the hell were you so shy all those years ago, huh?

Hey what do you say sports fans.

What's the matter?

Getting your period?

Feeling kinda blue.

I miss the city bad.

Oh the country grows on you.

So does fungus.

I told you once already we'd leave.

When?

When I want to, now drop it.

What's so great here?

Tell me that.

Simmer down okay?

Okay.

Hey, how's this for a solution?

You stay around here and turn hayseed

and I'll head back to Manhattan.

I take it the silence means no?

Discussion's over.

That's all.

I want out of here!

Simmer the hell down!

Just because...

Watch it mister!

Just because some...

You've been warned!

Just because some sagging bitch of an ingenue

drops her pants for you!

Shut up!

Corky, you do it so good.

You're even better than the garbage men.

Hey Ben,

how do you like it?

I think it's going to be terrific.

What's with Gangrene?

Blue Cross repossess your tongue?

Come on in, shut up.

Come on in Ben, I'll do the whole routine for you?

How the hell did you ever find me.

You're amazing.

I'll bet it was that kid cab driver.

He must've called the office and found ya.

Is that right, that's it?

Yeah, I told him I was with William Morris.

He looked like a hustler,

so I gave him a hundred to shut him up.

How much did you give him to talk.

Doesn't matter.

Right, right, right, right, right.

Right, you're here, that's the main thing.

That's it, right.

Come on, grab yourself a seat.

And uh, watch.

Just remember that I haven't got this

anywhere near performance level yet.

How long ya been like this kid?

Like what?

Oh my God, you don't think that was for real?

How'd you think I rehearse?

It's no good.

It's for the act for Christ sakes!

Watch now.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

for your viewing pleasure.

My version of the Miser's Dream.

Was it a wet dream?

Shut up.

Imagine if you will.

When I have a wet dream all that happens

is I wake up covered with sawdust.

If you don't stop interrupting

I'm going to put a contract out on you

with a mafia woodpecker.

Oh, what I wouldn't give for a woodpecker.

Would you be quiet.

Don't encourage him, ladies and gentlemen.

It's really a great beginning, isn't it Ben.

Is this why you wouldn't take the medical exam?

You figured somebody'd find out?

Bullshit!

I'll take the stupid exam!

I was afraid of success like you said.

I needed to get my head on straight.

I'll take the exam,

do the show,

whatever you want.

What I want kid?

What I want is for you to see somebody.

Who would I see?

Quit with the games!

Quit with the yelling!

Shut up!

He should show a little grati-fuckin'-tude.

You been slavin' away,

comin' up with the great new stuff.

That was blockbuster material mister.

When I come back with Woody the Woodpecker,

they'll plotz in Vegas.

That's funny.

Nothin's funny.

Not anymore.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna make a few phone calls.

Tell people you mean?

Corky, you ain't in control!

Ben,

you owe me a listen don't you think?

Yeah, I was kind of out of control back in the city.

I uh...

I could feel myself

starting to slip down the iceberg.

So you took off,

and now you're fine?

Sure.

On account of Peg.

The local town pump, terrific knockers.

Look Fats, please.

Come on will ya?

Sorry.

Um...

I've known her ever since high school.

I never figured I'd have a chance with her, but uh,

now everything's changed.

She believes in me.

Listen...

girls are for down the line kid.

Right now, you gotta let me help you.

I know a lot of people.

Beautiful doctors.

He means headshrinkers.

He just thinks you're a fruit cake.

He doesn't, he never said that, he's on our side.

He's the villain.

Don't forget that.

Never forget that.

Hey kid.

I'm gonna ask you to do something.

It's a little something

anybody ought to be able to do.

Now if you can do it, fine.

We'll forget this whole thing.

But if you can't,

we'll think about getting you to see somebody fast.

Is it a deal?

Name it.

Make Fats shut up

for five minutes.

Five minutes.

I can make him shut up for five years.

Wonderful.

I feel like the village idiot

if you want to know the truth.

Can we talk or is it going to be strictly semaphore?

How long so far?

There's 30 seconds.

Gosh, that's uh...

four and a half minutes to go.

Think I'll make it?

Don't happen to have another of those do ya?

Thanks.

Take two they're big.

Remember when you said that Ben?

A pro never forgets his good lines kid.

How long now?

Coming up to a minute.

Do you think we'll laugh about this some day?

We might.

Make a terrific scene

if you ever decide to write your autobiography.

Hey I know what you should call it, um...

"Failing Upwards",

or, "How to Succeed in Show Business,

by Outliving Everybody".

Two minutes yet?

A minute fortyfive.

This is very cruel of you, you know that?

I don't mean it to be.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you.

Well, that would be sad.

Time?

It's uh...

two and a half minutes to go.

I can't make it.

Well, I didn't think you could.

Hello everybody.

This is Mrs. Norman Main.

My mother thanks you, my father thanks you,

my sister thanks you, and I thank you.

You have nothing to fear but fear itself.

Nothing to give but blood sweat and tears.

Nothing to lose but your change.

Here he is boys.

Here he is world.

Here's Fats.

You're not lettin' him outta here.

He's the villain, don't forget that.

Hey, I think you better sit down.

Hey kid,

I have lived through Tallulah Bankhead

and the death of Vaudeville.

I don't scare easy.

I need my chance.

Your only chance is to get help fast

and that's what I'm going to see happens.

Don't, ever raise a hand to me again.

You're taking my one chance.

I'm your one chance.

He's right.

The Postman's right.

You're crazy.

I tried to stop him didn't I?

Tried, tried?

You failed.

God damn it.

Look at me.

You know it's the hatch for you.

There's nothing wrong with me.

I know that,

and you know that.

But all those piss ant dolts who run the world,

they hate us because we're special.

They'll put you somewhere deep and moody.

Don't talk that way please.

Cut the migraine shit.

Don't you care about anything?

Christ, don't you care about the girl?

Peg?

I love Peg.

I hope she loves you too.

So on visiting day she can bring crayons

and the two of you's can color together.

What do you want from me?

You know goddamn well what.

I don't!

Liar.

Tell me!

Weakling.

I'm not, I'm not!

Stop the Postman!

I can't!

Gutless fuck!

I can't!

Stop the Postman!

How, how with what?

Me, me, me, me, me!

Cork?

What's up, what is it?

Oh, I meant to ask.

Do you want me make unthaw the asparagus tips,

or the French-cut green beans?

Either.

No fair.

You're the man

you've got to make the decision.

Asparagus tips.

Hey what are you doing in the woods?

Walkin', thinkin'.

About me?

You changin' your mind about me?

Jesus no.

Better not you bastard.

Well what is it?

My head, you broke it.

Well what'll I do?

Can't think, help me.

I will don't worry.

I'll take care.

Ahh...

You're hurtin' me.

Sorry.

There you are, that should do it.

That better?

I guess.

Good.

All right.

Does it show.

Uh...

Well, I'll slip you into your overall outfit with a cap.

And uh, nobody will be able to tell a thing.

Hey Fats?

Yeah.

I've been doin' some thinking.

Yeah.

What would you say if I uh...

if I called the police and told?

You ain't being logical.

Look, Gangrene was taken care of

because he was going to have you put away.

If you tell the cops,

they'll have you put away.

Well what'll we do with him?

Bring me any identification he's got on him.

Why?

Time for a little dip.

After dinner get yourself some stones

and stuff 'em in his pockets.

But I'm not that strong a swimmer.

Just dog paddle out to the middle

and drop him down.

I know this lake.

There's snapping turtles out there.

Everybody said that.

Once there was a water moccasin scare.

I don't care if the Loch Ness monster's out there,

and he's ravenous.

Do it beautifully.

Hello?

Good morning.

Coffee's on.

Coffee's ready.

Good.

Careful.

Uh, Duke got home very late last night.

He didn't much like the idea

of me being here alone with a man.

He's watching us now.

Uh, do you think it's wise

for me to come up there now?

I think he wants to watch us together.

Oh.

Give me five minutes.

Hey.

Has he got a telescope?

Because if he doesn't,

I'd like to say that

going to bed with you is maybe

the best three things that ever happened to me.

And I'd love some coffee.

And I adore you.

And I take it with cream and sugar.

And your breasts belong in the Louvre,

which is a museum in Paris

that I plan on visiting with you

once you get wise

and decide to leave the old ear blower.

Are you ever somethin'.

Hello?

We're in the kitchen.

Hi Duke.

How are you?

Come on in, sit down.

Yeah, thanks.

Doing okay.

You take your coffee how?

Everything.

Sorry I wasn't here to greet you.

Help with the entertaining and all.

But somebody's got to earn a living.

You're still in real estate right?

No, I gave that up.

It was dull.

What I really like is the out a doors.

Go fishing, hunting.

That probably seems dull to someone like you.

No, not at all.

Fine, thanks.

And I do a little sellin' nowadays.

Sundries, like that.

I'm surprised Peg here didn't bring you up to date.

Well she may have.

The truth is,

once I start drinking wine,

you can forget about me.

Hey Duke, that stuff you sell?

You don't happen to have a penis do you?

My last one caught Dutch Elm Disease

and it's murder getting an erection.

God damn, that's clever.

Don't tell schmucko.

Tell me.

'Cause I'm the talent.

Shhh...

Do you travel a lot in your work?

How do you do that?

I mean that's terrific.

I'm really glad you're here for me to see this.

Are you going to be good?

I mean it.

You promise?

Okay.

Ask him if he's glad I'm here too?

Yeah, the both of you.

Thank you.

How long are you going to be?

Quick as I can.

As long as it takes me to board up those far cabins.

Don't stay out too long.

You'll get soaked.

How'd I do.

Just unbelievable.

Too bad Fats wasn't here.

He might of been a little help.

Gotten a couple of laughs.

You're always unbelievable.

Oh, brains as well as boobs.

Corky, do you drive a Rolls?

No.

Well there's somebody's white Rolls parked down there.

Shit.

It's gotta be Gangrene's.

Why would he leave it though.

Who's is it?

My agent.

He's rich as hell.

But still you just don't leave an $80,000 car and walk away.

He must have come looking for me.

Looking for you?

Yeah.

He's left the keys.

Yeah, look if I level with you,

you won't let this get around?

I'm in hiding.

A lot of career problems.

I haven't been behaving all that normal.

Well can you find out what's happened to him.

This cars been here a couple of hours.

Yeah, I'll sure as hell try.

Hey, would you mind getting it unstuck?

Me driving an $80,000 car,

I'd mind that a lot.

Sadie?

Sadie?

It's me.

Is he in?

Please.

Don't yell at me Goddamn it.

I'm sick of hearing about my erratic behavior.

How the hell did you ever find me.

I tipped that bastard cabbie

so he wouldn't tell.

We were on a long walk

is why you didn't find anybody.

Never mind who the we is,

finish about the car.

Ha, ha.

I'd love to have seen that.

You hitchhiking a ride to Grossinger's.

Why didn't you have 'em come and un-stick the car.

Quit yelling.

I should a known,

nobody touches your Rolls but a Rolls man.

Sorry.

Duke's on his way.

Yes sir.

That was the we.

Yes sir, a lot.

It's not ridiculous.

We grew up together.

Yes she's married.

But I think she's leaving him for me.

The marriage was over.

I'm not talking about puppy love Ben.

I'm talking about salvation.

Some fish.

Some fish he takes me for.

Your old pal I'm talking about.

I suspected.

His story's so full a holes.

Why do you keep repeating that?

So a car is here, who care?

Besides, Corky agrees with you.

It's a crazy story,

but there it is.

Some happy coincidence.

A guy drives 90 miles

and you and Corky just happen to be

off in the woods when he's snoopin'.

You put out for him in the woods did ya?

I love it when you're drinking.

Well why didn't you tell me

about this Goddamn legendary walk before?

No comment.

Listen,

I know his story's bullshit

because I got the car out of the mud

and it was nothing.

If I can do it, anybody can.

Maybe he tried.

Maybe he couldn't.

He's old.

Corky never said he was old.

He must of to me.

When?

When we were having dinner, probably.

He got squiffed fast and flaked out.

That's what he said earlier.

And how did you know he was old, did you see him?

Answer me, I'm talking to you!

No, I didn't see him.

Why not?

He must've wrung the bell.

I mean the guy drives 90 miles,

he's gonna ring the Goddamn doorbell, wouldn't you agree?

I didn't hear any bell.

Now quit this.

Why not?

What were you doin' that was so...

Did he ring while you were screwin', is that it?

That is it isn't it?

No it isn't.

Why didn't you invite him in to watch?

Shut your dirty mouth.

Did you screw Corky?

No!

I'll pound you all day, you keep lying!

I'm not lying!

The truth, the goddamn truth!

Did you fuck him?

No I didn't!

But I wanted to.

Come on, it'll be fun.

If you don't like fishin'

I'll let you row.

Just had a good talk with Peg.

Like to have one with you now.

I'll grab a jacket.

Where is Peg?

She's in town making a decision, she said.

Oh.

What are you doin' that for?

Uh, habit.

Hey, we trust each other don't we?

Of course.

You seem upset.

Should I be?

Get in the front.

What are you lookin' for?

Nothin'.

You're the one wants to fish.

Why don't you try over there.

Here I'll do the rowing.

I know the best holes.

When I get us there you can take over.

I'm not much on booze.

I told you that.

You told me a lot of things.

What's that supposed to mean?

Peg said you screwed her last night.

Damn.

I told her to keep it a secret.

You think it's funny do you?

Is that why you brought me out here?

Try to get me to admit to something that never happened?

If it is I'd like to go back in now Duke.

What she said was,

she wanted to go to bed with you.

I'm loosin' her Corky,

And I don't know what to do.

All she does is talk about you Duke.

You're not losing anybody.

What I said before,

about quitting the real estate business,

there was never any real estate business to quit.

She came in when I was on top.

And she stuck with me all the way down.

Goddamn it.

Oh, that's heavy.

Duke, I said I'd like to go back in now.

This feels like a whale.

God, I'm cold,

let's get the hell in.

It's comin' loose.

Hey you're breakin' my pole.

I'm trying to help you, that's all.

Well don't help.

It's comin' now.

It's comin'.

Goddamn log.

Any of that scotch left?

Thought you didn't like booze?

I'm freezing my nuts off, that's all.

Thanks.

Thanks.

I wonder who he is.

See what his wallet says.

Jesus Christ,

I was thinking' he might be your Rolls Royce guy.

Gangrene?

You must be kidding' me.

He's about 6'3".

Nothin'.

He's stripped clean.

It doesn't make sense.

Must be some identification.

Jesus Christ, he might still be alive.

Fantastic.

I'll do the kiss of life.

You run up to the house, call Normandy Hospital.

Tell 'em to get over.

Right.

And stay at the house 'til they get there

so you can direct 'em straight here.

Gotcha.

Ben Greene.

Gangrene.

Son of a bitch.

He is the Rolls guy.

Oh.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Don't panic.

My God, what have you done!

I said don't panic.

My God, what am I going to do?

Well pick me up dumb dumb and I'll tell ya.

Listen to me.

Listen to me.

Well sit down then dummy.

Alright.

You're gonna zoom to my suitcase

and whip out one of those

nice long pieces of canvas.

Well clean my face and you won't throw up.

Okay.

You're gonna take the canvas

and you're gonna wrap part around Duke here,

and part of it around Gangrene.

Then you're gonna get a nice big rock

and wrap the rest around it.

Take that out a my mouth.

Then you're gonna row out

and dump the bundle over the side.

And if you do it right,

I'll be able to say atta boy schmucko.

Two birds with one stone.

Hi.

Hi.

You've had quite a day I guess.

Whatever.

Where's Duke.

We had a blow out.

He tried to get me to admit we'd gone to bed together.

But uh...

when he couldn't he told me he was going to go hunting

and I should get the hell out

by the time he got back.

Are you coming with me?

Are you coming with me?

I gotta know.

Who wins,

me or Duke?

If I'm a prize,

then you're the winner.

And as soon as Duke gets back

and I can tell him in person that I'm leaving,

we can take off.

Gee you know I, I...

I don't think you should put yourself

through a big emotional scene like that, do you?

Well, I gotta leave Duke with his pride.

We spent a lotta years together and uh...

he's gotta understand that he didn't fail.

We failed together.

So let's the both of us pack okay.

Don't try arguing me out of this.

He's got to be home soon.

He can't hunt at night time right?

Okay.

Oh, my God.

She's leaving Duke for you.

Fan-fucking-gradly, fan-fucking-tastic.

Thank you sports fans.

Well where are we off to?

Now don't get emotional about this.

About what, about what?

I think maybe there's just going to be

two of us on the honeymoon.

What's the punch line?

You're gonna leave me behind?

Come on buddy, quit the kiddin'.

My head's on straight on now.

I want to get to know her, that's all.

Take her places.

Show her things.

Paris, maybe, like that.

The Eiffel Tower.

The Louvre.

You know?

Schmucko, you've never been to Paris.

What's this show her routine?

I'll be good.

You'll see.

I wanna see Paris too.

You want me to come crawling?

You want me to beg?

Okay, this is me, Fats,

and I'm beggin'.

It's not easy for me either.

It is.

It is easy.

You wont be alone.

I'll tell.

What will you tell?

Everything.

I will.

I swear.

In the middle of the act,

one night, when you don't expect it.

I'll scream, there's bodies in Lake Melody.

I don't see that happening.

I'm doing a single now.

Duke?

Duke?

How'd it go?

Duke understand.

We haven't talked yet.

You mean he isn't back yet.

Christ Peg.

Got kinda scary up there.

And I wanted a drink,

but I didn't much wanna drink alone.

Well let's just go.

Let's get the hell out.

Send him a telegram.

I'm sorry, my mind's made up.

Besides, he can't be much longer.

You don't know that.

He was drinking heavy when he left here.

Did he take a flashlight with him?

Did you notice?

All I noticed

was that big Goddamn elephant gun he was carrying

when he hinted I vacate the premises.

Come on,

it's stupid waiting around.

Then I'm stupid.

I didn't say you were stupid.

I said waiting was.

I'm aware of your opinion on the subject.

Well try agreeing with me for once.

Instead of being stubborn.

Give it a rest Cork.

Aaah...

Sweet mystery of life

at last I've found you.

Fasten your seatbelts everybody.

It's going to be a bumpy night.

I'm here to save you two from yourselves.

Want me to do something dazzling.

You do magic too?

Corky does magic.

I only do tricks.

Hey I got just the thing Peg.

Bring me a couple a decks of cards

and I'll read your mind.

What do you mean?

I'll pull the same card from your deck

that you pull from mine.

That's not a trick.

You can't do that.

Sure.

You just peek at the bottom card after shuffling

and it's easy as apple pie.

Corky makes a big deal production number out of it sometimes.

Like when he's got some bimbo stewardess he wants to screw.

He makes him think their minds have touched.

Never fails.

You'll never know how many people

want to believe in magic.

Oh shit.

Peg.

Peg please.

Please, please come...

Were you laughing every second.

Please, please.

Was I funny you bastard son of a bitch?

Oh...

Let me explain.

Hey, hey.

Jesus.

Listen to me you schmuck.

You gotta please just answer me one small question?

Why'd you think I blew the whistle?

Ah, because I was leaving.

Because you were jealous.

Wrong schmucko.

I did it because I could.

See?

Why didn't you stop me?

Answer, you didn't because you couldn't.

Look at him.

He still doesn't understand.

Better sit down kid

while I hit you with an explanation.

Ever since we got together,

I laid low.

It was best for the act.

I let you share the limelight.

If there's one thing about me, I'm big.

But then earlier today,

when I begged ya,

pleaded not to be left behind

and you pissed ice water all over me,

well, that tore it.

If I'm boring you,

please walk around.

I don't care.

Fats don't start in on me.

Please don't.

Listen, I took a failure.

With the charm of Tricky Dickey Nixon.

I made us skyrocket.

It's not gonna be you and her,

it's gonna stay you and me.

Except from now on even that's changed.

It's me and you.

You said I've got a weak stomach.

You look tired.

I'm not.

Then what are you yawning for?

I'm not yawning.

You gotta wake you up.

Crawl around.

That should help.

You think?

Hey yeah, it does help.

Say thank you Fats.

Thanks.

Thanks Fats.

With feeling, like I'm doing.

I'm filled with greatest fucking joy.

Gee you've got talent after all.

Let's see what else you can do.

Fats says smile.

Fats says frown.

Fats says touch the ceiling.

Fats says spin around.

Fats says get a knife.

What?

Get a knife.

Come on.

From my suitcase.

Yeah.

I know where it is.

I wonder what we could do with it?

Hey, I could whittle something.

I'm good at that, and fast too, name it.

No.

I'm looking for something with a little more pizzazz.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't do it.

You really love old Peg don't ya?

Oh please, don't kill her.

Schmucko easy.

I wouldn't dream of

depriving you of that pleasure.

No, I can't do it!

There's that old bug-a-boo of yours again.

lack of confidence.

I won't and you can't make me!

Wow, I really stepped on a corn that time.

If I can't make ya, I can't make ya.

How's your head Cork?

Fine!

Thought you might be getting' a migraine.

No!

Shows how wrong you can be.

Open those baby blues.

Looks to me like one of those gut wrenchers.

It's getting bad fast.

Please!

Drilling right into the brain is it?

Surprise.

Came fast.

It can go fast.

Yeah.

Oh yes.

Not so deep anymore?

No, not so deep.

It'll all be gone soon.

Uh... Thanks Fats.

Want it a hundred times worse,

and a hundred days long?

No.

Then take the knife on up the hill lover.

And kiss the girl goodbye.

Duke?

I left schmucko down at the cabin.

Open up huh?

You and me gotta have a quick palaver.

Corky there's nothin' to say.

I told ya,

he's at the cabin.

You and me are the only ones can straighten this out.

Go away Cork.

Fats.

All right, go away Fats.

That's better.

At least we know who we are now.

Hey, I've got a present that'll make you smile.

Promise it will.

He made it for you Peg.

For you to remember him by.

See, he's leaving now

and he wants you to have this.

Have what?

A wooden heart.

He whittled it for you

before he sent me up.

He's quick with his hands.

Leave it outside the door.

Take his heart Peg.

So he'll know you don't feel contempt for him.

Oh, I never felt that.

At least that's something.

I'll leave it by the door.

Bye.

Wait a minute, you didn't leave.

Brains as well as boobs.

Anytime you feel like

playing with my levers you'll call?

Sure, sure.

Peggy Ann Snow,

Peggy Ann Snow,

please let me follow

wherever you go.

She liked my heart.

She smiled when she picked it up.

She looked so pleased and everything.

I made her happy.

Me?

No tricks or anything.

What's wrong.

I don't know how to say this,

since I haven't got a stomach,

but my stomach hurts.

Bad?

Gettin' bad.

Gettin' real bad.

Yeah.

What's goin' on?

We're dying I think is what it is?

Dyin'?

Yeah,

I put the knife deep in me.

Christ it's spreadin'.

Yeah.

Don't leave me here alone.

Don't worry.

Can you get over here.

I'll try.

Put me flat.

Here.

Why didn't you leave?

Go with her when you had the chance?

She'd never of gone with me.

She'd have turned me down.

I couldn't even get her to open the door by myself.

It was never me.

Always us.

Schmucko.

Us was you.

What?

It was you all the time.

I hope I don't die first is all.

I think we'll go together.

Chances are.

Hey Cork?

Hey it's me.

I changed my mind.

Let's give it a whack okay?

See how it goes?

What do ya say.

I'm warning you Cork,

don't play hard to get with me.

'Cause I'm a woman see,

and I can always change my mind again.

You may not get this oppor-fuckin'-tunity tomorrow.