All language subtitles for Evolution.2001.WEBRip.x264-RARBGEng

** [ Car Stereo: Rock ]

** [ Stops ]

** [ Humming ]

[ Thud ]
Ow.

[ Straining ]

[ Squeaks ]

Despite all the warnings,
she was smoking in bed.

Fell asleep. Bad move.

[ Liquid Pouring,
Metal Clanks ]

And the fire begins.

Show time.

[ Screaming ]

Don't worry, ma'am!
I'm here to save you!

Keep those people back!
This is an emergency!

[ Thud, Squeak ]
Don't you dare
die on me!

Breathe, damn it, breathe!

She's gonna make it!
She's gonna make it!

[ Whooshing ]

What the--

[ Screams ]

Oh, damn!

[ Man ]
Rick, wait up!

Okay, I'll check it out.

Though it may be
hard to believe that
a single biology professor...

making in excess
of $17,500 a year...

could manage to find time
to grade your first biology
research papers, I did.

As you can see,
there was a shocking
statistical anomaly.

Pretty much all of you got A's.

[ Cheering ]

You deserve
to congratulate yourselves.

I've got a real good feeling
about this group.

I think that the parade of A's
is gonna continue...

straight through
to the end of the semester.

So much for the bell curve.
Bell curves suck, man!

[ Applause ]
Mr. Kane!

Dr. Kane,
seems to be a mistake here.

You see, you see,
my brother and I each got
a C-minus on our reports.

C-minus. Me too.

Allow me to share something
with the entire class.

Um, last night,
as I was grading papers,

I came across two gems,
both entitled "Cells are Bad."

Both with just
one paragraph,

which I unfortunately
committed to memory.

"Cells are bad.

"My uncle lives in a cell.
It's 10 foot by 12,

"and he has to read
the same old boring
magazine every day.

The end."
[ Laughter, Applause ]

You're talking about our papers,
aren't you, Dr. Kane?
Yes, I am.

Although my standards
are nowhere near
where they used to be,

I still could not bring myself
to put an "A" on top
of those beauties.

I hope you understand, guys.
Sure.

Yeah, okay.

Let's get back to work
at the periodic table here,

which is not,
as some of you suppose--

A meteor? Where?

Uh-huh. Route 89-A.

Yeah, yeah, got it.

[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, rest assured,
I will be there.

Okay, bye.

So how does it look,
Professor?

It's tight.

Uh, really, really tight,
Nadine, but not too tight.

You just don't have
the points. I'm sorry.

But don't take it too hard.
Geology's a lot tougher subject
than people think.

Are you sure?
Couldn't you just
check again?

I really need this credit
to get into nursing school.

Nursing school?

Wouldn't you be more comfortable
in a different profession,

one where people's lives
were not dependent on you?

Actually, what I really
want to be is Miss Arizona,

but my pageant consultant
says that nursing school will
really impress the judges.

Makes me look like
I want to help people.

Ready for lunch?

Or... have you
already eaten?

I was just concluding
a teacher-student
conference...

with Nadine here, Ira.
Harry,

your dedication to your job
is an inspiration to us all.

Regrettably, Nadine, I have
a prior lunch engagement
with Professor Kane.

We'll talk about your
extra credit later, okay?

Cheer up.

Let me grab my stuff.
[ Coughs ]

Where you taking me?
Meteor hit last night.

Oh, that's what that was.
Yep.

As the Glen Canyon
official representative of
the U.S. Geological Survey,

I have been assigned
to check it out.

I'm taking you along
in case I actually have
to do something scientific.

Then we eat.
You're an official
representative of the U.S.G.S.?

Signed up
over the Internet.

What, were you on
some cheerleader site...

and you accidentally
got linked over
to the U.S.G.S. site?

Something like that.

Watch her, now.
Take it easy.
That's my baby.

There you go.
Take it easy.

Whoa! Whoa!
Come on!

Be careful! Who's gonna
pay me for the damage
to my goddamn car?

Son, I told you,
we don't do that.
It's force majeure.

Force majeure, my ass!
That car's a classic
'73 Buick Riv.

Hey, now, who are you?

Harry Block,
United States
Geological Survey.

This is my secretary,
Ira Kane.

We're here to investigate
the meteor if, indeed,
that is what it is.

Of course it's damn meteor.
It almost blew up my damn car.

I'm still fuzzy on what
you were doing there
in the middle of the night.

Yeah,
with Betty Lou here.

For the thousandth time,
I was practicing
for my fireman's exam,

which, for your information,
started about seven minutes ago,

so I would really appreciate it
if you'd let me get outta here.

So you and the blonde
found the meteor?

Yeah, I found it.
It bounced my car
200 feet in the air.

Okay, can I go?
Bob, get him out of here
right now.

Don't leave town.

Sheriff, is this the, um,

the point of penetration?

Yeah. It punched through into
a cavern about 80 feet down.

[ Whistles ]

Now, that's a hole.

[ Groans ]
Damn it! Next time,
you're carrying this case.

Hey, you're the U.S.G.S.
representative.

I believe
that responsibility
comes with the badge.

Oh, my God.
Look at that.

I believe
we've located the target.

All right,
two big smiles, fellas.
Cheese!

Okay, hold it up now.
All right?

Ohh!
Got it.

Ooh, it's hot.
It's really hot.
I'll hold you up, okay?

Show me a little more
nightstick.

Look at these jackasses.
Muscles. Muscle pose.

Give me big smiles, fellas.
Looking good, fellas.

At ease, gentlemen!
The Feds are here.

Feds? What Feds?

Who let you down here?
Let's not get combative,
Lieutenant.

The U.S.G.S.
and local law enforcement...

have a long history
of cooperation.

We're just down here to get
some scientific samples,
if that's okay with you guys.

Uh, yeah, sure.

We got all the, uh,
photographic evidence
we need. Carry on.

Thank you.
Keep up the good work.

Wow.

It just hit last night,
and it's got...

stuff growing on it.

Could be cave moss.

Cave moss after
just a few hours?
That's peculiar.

Let's get a sample
and get out of here.

Ooh.

[ Harry ]
It's bleeding.

It's a rock that... bleeds.

Now that's
really peculiar.

Let's bag it.

I don't know if this whole
Geological Society gig
is all it's cracked up to be.

I mean, yeah,
it pads on my résumé,
but am I growing as a person?

Am I growing
as a Division Three
women's volleyball coach?

Hmm?

Are you gonna do
those spectro-thingie tests
it says to do in the guidebook?

Spectrograph.
Yeah, I will do a full
spectroscopic analysis.

Your résumé will shine.

Good. I gotta get to the game.
Let me know if you
find anything.

Ira, are you sure
you can handle this
by your lonesome?

All right, all right.

That's impossible.

Ten base pairs.

That can't be.

[ Horn Blows ]
[ Harry ]
We need this!

Come on, ladies!
Look alive up here!
Look alive!

Tina, cover the line!
When Lisa goes for the spike,
you've got to cover the line!

Lisa! Two hands, okay?
Two hands!
Harry!

God gave you two goddamn hands
for a reason!
Harry!

Big news.
The most amazing thing.

The meteor samples
are teeming with
one-celled organisms.

Their metabolic rates
are off the charts.

They're dividing
at an incredible rate.
It's practically exponential.

Their DNA has ten base pairs.

Ten base pairs.
That's good to know.
Thank you, Ira.

Harry, the DNA
of all life on Earth
has only four base pairs.

Come on, ladies!
Look alive!

Harry, these are organisms
from another world.

They're aliens.

Is the Nobel Prize
paid in installments...

or in a lump sum
like the lottery?

Let's not get ahead
of ourselves.
Here. My office.

I'm not getting ahead of myself.
I'm concerned about
the potential tax consequences.

Why in here?
I just want to be
a little cautious.

Our discovery.

I'm all tingly.
Yeah.

Wow.

I'm no biologist,

but how many cells
do single-celled
organisms have?

If we're gonna be
big important scientists,

you have to start
to act the part.

Why don't you
take a look?

There are multicellular
organisms in there.

[ Laughs ]
Yes, I know.

No, but they
weren't there before.
So they snuck in.

No, there was
no sneaking in.

It's-- It's--
No, it's too amazing.

What?
It's-- It's--

It's like
they're evolving.

They're growing.

They're growing into
more complex organisms.

It's evolution.

Nobel, here we come.

Yeah, but it's
200 million years worth
in just a few hours.

That's fast.

You have no idea.

[ Man ]
All right, get ready!
[ Snoring ]

On my signal! Go!

Come on!
Go, go, go, go!

Recruit, wake up.
Wake up!

Go! Go, go, go, go, go!

The hose!
This thing here!

Sorry.

Move it, move it, move it!
Wayne, go!

Go, go, go!
Go! Come on!

Ohh! Ohh!

[ Groaning ]
Well, buddy,
these things happen.

There's another test
in six months.

Six months?
I can't wait six months.

Well, at least you
still got the pool gig
over at the country club.

Great. Thanks a lot.

Ohh!
Drive careful.

I got it, I got it.
I do this.

Looks like we got
some visitors.

Okay, class, since this
is our first field trip,

I want you to obey a few
very simple rules, okay?

Ugh. Dirt.
Nice footwear.

Perfect for spelunking.
I don't want you
to touch anything.

Don't move anything.
Don't even breathe
unless we tell you to...

and wear your
protective gloves
at all times.

Why do we have to do this?
Firsthand field experience,
that's why.

The very meat and potatoes
of geology.

Is this gonna be
on the final?
Yes.

Officer, nice to see you again.
Hey, Professor.
What's up?

We came to pick up the rock.
Pick it up? What?

Yeah, well, we're--
Just orders from the U.S.G.S.

They want it under
controlled conditions.

It's very technical.

Oh, technical stuff.
It's technical.

So, yeah, okay.
Go right ahead.

We're just gonna haul it
right on out of here.
Sure, go ahead.

Deke and Danny,
remember what we
talked about, right?

You guys are in charge
of the hoisting. I want you
to get the winch to the hole.

Okay, fellas, stop nodding
and just stare at me
for a second, okay?

Focus.

You understand
what I want you to do?
Yeah, we got you.

Yeah.
Go do it.

Ira, I'm picking up
a heavy creepy vibe here.

Yeah, a lot has changed.

Class, I know
these look like mushrooms,

but please try to refrain
from eating them.

Ugh!
It smells disgusting.

Nadine,
sometimes science stinks.

It's the game we play, baby.

Rotten egg smell.
Hydrogen sulfide, right?

Yeah, and ammonia and methane.
It's like it's converting
the atmosphere.

Look at all this
rudimentary plant life.
It's amazing.

I don't wanna get
all girly here,

but I think I feel something
wiggling around my toes.

The ground
does seem to be moving.

Whoa!

Flatworms.
Millions of them!

Eww! God! Ohh!

God!
Ohh! Whoa!

Barely 18 hours,
and we already
have flatworms.

Look, look, look!
Hey, there they are!

Hi, Dr. Kane!
Hey, Dr. Kane!

Ohh!

Man, I almost went down
on that one!
That was awesome.

Come here, little buddy.

I'm not gonna hurt you.
I'm not gonna hurt you.

You didn't hurt it.
You killed it.

The oxygen must have killed it.

Must need its own
atmosphere to live.

Yeah. Why don't you
grab a specimen jar?

We'll try to scoop
some of the atmosphere
in there with them.

Took us two billion years
to do what they did
in just a couple of days.

Yeah. Those little germs
are the embodiment
of the American dream.

Ahem. I'm, um,
so sorry to interrupt,
Professor Block,

but am I correct
in assuming that that
little field trip...

fulfilled my missing
credit requirements?

You know, Nadine,
you're a very,
very smart girl,

but if you would just focus--

Um, Professor, the little
wiggly worm things in there
are breaking.

Ira, look.
Yeah.

[ Ira ]
No, it's not breaking.
It's splitting.

It's mitosis.
That's how they reproduce.

No sex?
No time for sex.

Bummer.

Oh, little guys
are splitting again.

Put it away.
Look, we call no one,
we tell no one.

This is our secret,
right?

What about the government?
Is this the kind of thing
they usually get involved in?

No. No government.
I know those people.
Absolutely not.
You do?

Look, this is our discovery
and we have to maintain
absolute control.

We have to do more research
and check our findings,
document everything.

[ Man ]
Hey, Wayne.

[ Sighs ]
What's this?

That would be
an all-cotton towel, sir.

I believe a Fieldcrest.
It's a damp towel,
Wayne.

What the hell
is a damp towel
doing on my chaise?

Okay. Let me go
take care of this for you.

You should, Wayne,
because you're
the pool manager.

If anyone knows what
to do about the dampness
on my chair, it's you.

"Oh, you know what to do
with the towels 'cause
you're the pool boy."

What the hell?

[ Water Bubbling ]

Where did you guys
come from?

You're dead now.
[ Bubbling ]

Whoa! What the--

Okay.

Hey, Harry, when I checked
the samples this morning,

I found
three different subspecies.

I mean, these things
are evolving so quickly.

God knows
what we're gonna find
when we get back.

Whoa!
Whoa!

Please tell me there's
an air show today.
Damn.

Ah, shit.

Can I help you?
Harry Block, Ira Kane.

United States
Geological Society.

We're doing some
important research.
This is our site.

I'm sorry. Not anymore.
You're not on the list.

What do you mean?
We come here all the time.

This is not a nightclub.
Take it somewhere else.

Hey, I know
my constitutional
rights, okay?

You can't tell me--
Harry! Harry! Look,

maybe you can
call your superior,
we can have a word with him.

I have a Harry Block
and an Ira Kane out here....

saying they have some
connection to the site.
Punk.

What?
You gotta know how
to talk to the white man.

The white man about
to get his ass whupped.
He doesn't like to be yelled at.

Did you say Kane?
Ira Kane?

Yeah. Yeah.
The Ira Kane?

Oh, I've been looking forward
to this for a long time.
You bastard!

[ Soldier ]
You're history!
Hey, hey, hey!

Get his gun!
You're crazy!

Take it easy!
All right, they're good. Up!

You're responsible
for the worst month of my life!
Let me go!

What the hell
was that about?
I don't know.

All right, drive straight down
to the command tent.
They're expecting you.

Go.
Thank you.

That's the guy that
had me in diapers
for over a month!

Let me go!
Who the hell was that?

Gentlemen, just up here.
General Woodman's
expecting you.

Russell Woodman?

Ha ha! Ira!

Ohh!
What an unexpected
surprise.

For me too. I didn't realize
we were on a hugging basis.

The same old Ira Kane.
And you must be?

Harry Block, this is
General Russell Woodman,
head of U.S. Army research.

General.
Harry.

So you two know each other?

Ira used to work for me.
Right, Ira?

I worked with you, actually.

Ira, you used to work in
Army research at the Pentagon?
Yeah.

And all this time I thought
you were just a schoolteacher.

No. How did you find out
about this, Russell?

You leave the Pentagon,
you don't call me,
you don't write.

We like to keep tabs
on our prodigal sons.

So you tapped my phone?

No. We're not
the KGB, Ira.

Actually, we've been
monitoring your computer.

His computer?

All those girls in the photos
are over 18.

Yes, I'm sure.
I should have figured.

You should've known better
than to try to keep something
this big from us.

And the C.D.C.
Ah!

Just in time.
Ira, this is Allison Reed,

senior researcher
in epidemiology
at the... C.D.C.

[ Harry ]
Nice underwear.

A garter belt
at a day function?

I can do it.
Thank you very much.
Thank you. I'm okay.

I'm okay. Dr. Kane.

I'd heard about
your recklessness,

but you are way out of line
on this one.

Do you realize
how dangerous this situation
could have become?

It's nice to meet you too.
No need to play
the blame game here.

No harm, no foul.
Suffice it to say...

that we're all very appreciative
the discovery made
by Dr. Kane and Mr. Black.

Block.
Block.
I'm sorry.

The confirmation of
the existence of life
outside this planet--

Would be the greatest
scientific discovery...

of our time.
Yes, actually.

Yes, and you have my word
that you'll be kept in the loop
from this point forward.

Oh, you son of a bitch.
What do you mean,
kept in the loop?

General, we are the loop.

We're not gonna cut you out,
but we do need to take control.

We're just
following protocol, Ira.
You remember protocol.

I got some protocol
right here for you, Russell.
Come and get it!

Look, the simple fact is,
this research
must continue...

under careful
government control
and scrutiny.

We've already
secured the area.

We're constructing
an air lock into the cavern...

and a state-of-the-art
field research facility.

So, you see,
there's not a whole lot...

for the science department
of Glen Canyon Community
College to do here.

Did you catch that condescending
tone with he says "Glen Canyon
Community College"?

We are following
well established
federal guidelines.

Please, Russell.
Don't pull this crap.
We deserve to be here.

You deserve
to be here?

You're lucky anybody's ever
let you near a science
laboratory again, Ira.

You're a disgrace,
and a dangerous one
at that.

Lieutenant,
show these men out.

This is horseshit.

This is not over.

You're in for a fight,
Russell.

Would you stop
following me, please?
Thank you.

We're not gonna
bend over and take this!

Fruit basket
for Russell Woodman!

Happy holidays,
General!

Cute.

Dr. Kane, are you asking me
to bar the federal government...

from involvement in a discovery
as significant as this one?

No, not at all.
We're asking you
to make sure...

that the local scientists who
actually made the discovery...

continue to play
a significant role.

They've kept us out
for almost two weeks.

We put our lives on the line
to find these little guys,
Your Majesty.

We just want to
be there for them
as they grow up.

We were the first team
at the meteor site,

and all the initial testing
was done in our lab, Judge.

The facilities at Glen Canyon
Community College are a joke.

They weren't a joke
when I went there, General.

Okay.

Your Honor, if the court
would allow me
to depose Dr. Kane?

Depose me?

We think your past
is very relevant, Dr. Kane.

These issues speak directly
to his competence
as a scientist.

Dr. Kane, you were
a top-level researcher...

at USAMRID from '94 to '97,
were you not?
Yes, that's correct.

And you were
summarily dismissed
in the summer of 1997.

Any idea why?

My services were
no longer required?

Uh-huh.
So in your opinion,
your firing...

had nothing to do
with an experimental
anthrax vaccine...

that you developed
and administered to nearly
140,000 U.S. soldiers...

in May of that year?

[ Whispering ]
I see where
you're going with this.

It may have been a factor.
You'd have to ask
the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

I'll make a note to do that,
but for now,

can you tell me what happened
to the soldiers that were
inoculated with your vaccine?

Well, none of them
got anthrax, if that's
what you're asking.

[ Chuckles ]
Yeah.
What did they get?

Um, well, as with
any new vaccine,

there were certain
side effects
associated with it.

Could you be more specific?

It was
a wide range of things.
It's very technical.

I'd hate to waste
the court's time
getting into it right now.

Humor me.

Some, uh, debilitating
stomach cramps.

Severe diarrhea.

Memory loss.

Yes. Go on.
Any more symptoms?

Partial facial paralysis,
temporary blindness,
drooling,

bleeding gums,
erectile dysfunction,
uncontrollable flatulence.

I think that's it.

One more question.
Do you happen to remember...

what the soldiers
called this illness, Dr. Kane?

Yeah. They called it
the Kane Madness.

Keep your head up.

You know she wants
to give you some, right?

Were you even
in that courtroom?

Getting barbecued
like baby back ribs?
It's all foreplay, baby.

Oh! We've been hit.

Forget the foreplay.
We just got screwed.

Empty.
Bad. This is
very, very bad.

Damn it!

I don't care who they are!
Stealing is stealing!

Perfect.

They took the rock, the samples,
all the little wormy critters.

All the data's gone--
the JPEG files,
the DNA sequences.

They cleaned us out.
I'm calling the cops.

The cops?
They are the cops!

Then what?

Let me ask you
something.

How come you
get to be a colonel,
and I'm just a private?

I was a colonel.
You obviously served your
country with distinction.

Consider yourself lucky.
The penalty for impersonating
an officer is 5 years in prison.

Yeah, maybe for you,
white boy.

Me, they hang.

Colonels first.

I was out here for 12 hours.

My toes are starting to hurt
from standing.

Stop it.

Just act like you belong.
Don't worry.
I got this.

Pick up that butt, soldier.
Sorry, sir.

And tuck that shirt in.
Yes, sir.

Get the door.
Get the door.

Thank you, Private.
Don't get used to this.

Whoo-hoo.
Look at that.

Enjoy your lunch,
gentlemen.

[ Allison ]
Okay, I'll be right back.

Oh, your girlfriend,
eleven o'clock.

Oh. Darn it.

The woman's a menace.

Testing, one, two, one, two.
One, one, one, one, two.

This is
deejay Harry Block here,
and I'm an Aquarius.

Harry, will you stop it?
I can hear you.
Don't you snap at me,

unless you want an
angry Solid Gold dancer
on your hands.

Lieutenant?

Excuse me.
Yeah?

Who's that?

I don't know.

I don't have anything
on my schedule.

Maybe it's the guys
from sector 12 doing
a nocturnal specimen run.

You know how
those guys are.
Oh, yeah.

This place has changed.

[ Bell Dings, Air Hissing ]

Oh, my God.

Can you believe this?
Harry, look at that.

Our little babies
are growing up.

Three weeks, it's already
like a rain forest in here.

[ Harry ]
Ugh. Looks like the kitchen
from my first apartment.

Hey, Harry,
check that guy out.

Is it coming or going?

The tree just ate it.

Everything down here
seems to be food
for something else,

so let's try to stay
off the menu, huh?
Got that right.

[ Squeaks ]
Oops.

Ira, come here.
Look at these little things.

Oh, cool.
Hey, snag one.

Snag one?
Yeah. Snag one
and put him in the bucket.

I seen this movie.
The black dude dies first.
You snag it.

Don't be scared.
We came for a specimen,
now snag one.

Come on.
It's not gonna hurt you.
He's turned the other way.

He's eating.

Come on. Come on,
my little red lobster.

Come on, my sexy
little crustacean. Come on.

Whoa!
Ohh!

Ira, look at that backside.

Theater in the round.

That's the kind of
trunk space you want
in a late model car.

Who does that
remind you of?

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

She's been
throwing it at you enough.

Dr. Reed?
Bull's-eye.

Excuse me, Dr. Reed.
Did you authorize
a walk-through?

No. Why?

Um, you should probably
take a look at something.

Here.

[ Harry ]
That's the kind of rump
you'd like to roast.

Kind of mother
you like to butter.
[ Ira ] That is a nice image.

And I appreciate
your assumption...

that there is an actual
sexual human being...

underneath all Dr. Reed's
deep-seated neuroses,
but I don't think so.

What?
Yeah.

[ Ira ]
I think she is
a humorless ice queen.

[ Harry ]
Ira, that's just a cover.
Don't you know that?

All she needs is
a good humping.

[ Mocking Orgasm ]
Oh, Ira. Ira!

Ira!
Stop that. We gotta get
a piece of the asteroid.

And cut that out.
It disturbs me.

Ira!
Don't do that behind
my back like that.

I'm not doing it.
Cut it out.

Okay, I'm just walking.
Ira!

[ Hammering Rock ]

Let's bag that and
get the hell out of here.

I'm ready when you are,
Colonel.

This disco suit is
making me chafe.
[ Buzzing ]

Oh, shoo, fly!

Hey, hold it right there.

Dr. Reed, so nice
to see you again.

We were just leaving.
You're in direct violation
of the judge's orders.

I could have you
arrested right now.
Wanna talk about violations?

What about our lab?
Anybody got a can of Raid?

What are you talking about?
You stole our computer
hard drive, our samples,

our files, everything.
I didn't steal anything.

Your buddies cleaned us out.
Those guys right there.
No, we didn't.

Damn right.
You've been trying to grab
credit on our discovery.

All we're trying to do
is take back a piece
of what's rightfully ours.

I'm concerned
with public safety.

Is this true?
Are you aware of
any of this, Flemming?

No. Absolutely not.
Hey, there's something
in my suit.

Don't believe him!
He admitted to hacking
into our computer!

There's something in my suit.
Harry, what?

Ira, there's something
in my suit!

That's impossible!
It is sealed!

The fly!
There's a fly in my suit!

Oh, God!
Don't take off
your helmet!

Turn up the oxygen!
It'll kill it!

[ Air Hissing ]

You see it?
Look. Do you see it?

No. You're all right.
Okay.

Who's the man?
You're the man.
I'm the man.

You're the man.
Okay. [ Sighs ]

Oh, my God.
[ Buzzing ]

[ Screams ]
It's in me!

Harry!
[ Screaming ]

For the love of everything
good and holy, get this
goddamn thing out of me!

You're gonna be okay, Harry.
Cut him open!
Let's get this thing!

Cut me open? There goes
your Christmas gift, Judas!

It's moving down his leg.

What do we do?
We might have
to amputate.

Don't take the leg!
Ira, don't let them
take my leg!

Is there
anything else you can do?
He thinks he's an athlete.

Doctor, look.
Ooh.

It's heading
for his testicles.
Take it! Take the leg!

Wait, wait!
No, no, no, no!

It's going the other way.
Give me some forceps.

I might be able
to catch it in his colon.
How are you going in?

Rectally.
Noooo!

I'll get lubricant.
There's no time for lubricant.

There's always time
for lubricant!
All right, flip him!

Okay, here we go.

Try to relax, buddy.
It's gonna be okay.

I'll shove this gurney
up your ass!
See if you relax!

Cheek spreader.
All right. I'm going in.

[ Grunting ]

Don't clench.
Don't clench.
You're so brave.

You're so brave.
A little more.

No more!
A little deeper.

No... deeper!
Squeeze my hand.
Squeeze it!

Almost there.
Open up.
Breathe.

Breathe.
I'm breathing!

Almost there.
You're there!

[ Straining ]
Ohh!

It's over, it's over.

It just died.

Don't you ever do that again!

Should've seen that thing.
It was like this!
You took it like a man.

You're all right.
You did great.
Can we get you anything?

Ice cream. I'd like
an ice cream, please.
What flavor?

Doesn't matter.
It's for my ass.

** [ Pop ]
[ Horn Honking ]

** [ Continues ]

Man! Now I'm
a Hawaiian warrior?

You know, I'm thinking
seriously about moving
maybe down to California.

Start over.
Because of
the fireman thing?

Big deal.
You flunked out.

You know how many times
I've flunked in my life?
A ton.

Hey, pool boy,
you watering down
the mai tais?

No, sir, but let me
fix you something special.

'Cause you're nothing
but a big, fat monkey turd.

Excuse me?
What?

Your drink's
almost ready.

Here you go.
That should tide you over.

** [ Continues ]

* He even sews *

* And don't forget, folks
That's what you get, folks *

* For makin' *

* A little whoopee **

** [ Humming ]

[ Straining ]

[ Pop ]
[ Yells ]
Damn it!

That's gonna stain.

** [ Humming ]

Barry!

Barry, where are you?
I can't see you.

Where are you?

I'm down here, my pet,
by the water.

[ Screaming ]

No!
[ Growling ]

[ Screaming ]

** [ Continues ]

[ Woman Screaming ]

Something just ate
Barry Cartwright!

[ People Gasping ]

Oh. That's too bad.

[ Allison ] I don't get it.
How does someone
with your background,

credentials and talent...

end up... like you?

Thank you.

Your partner could've died.
What were you thinking?

I was desperate.

I've been exiled out here
in Arizona for five years...

watching the world
pass me by,

and this amazing discovery
literally falls into my lap.

I look at it as
my ticket out of here.

But I don't suppose
that you would
understand that.

Oh, no, how could I?

I'm just a humorless ice maiden
in desperate need
of a good humping.

You heard that, huh?
Loud and clear.

Don't think you know
so much about me.
You don't.

I'm sure I don't.

Thank you for not
calling the cops.

[ Harry ]
Ohh! Ohh!

Be careful!
Stop being such a baby.

We've seen
that car before.

[ Groans ]
No more bran for me.

Hey, girls.

Hey.

Cut it out.

Hey, it's the meteor guy.

What's in the bag,
your blow-up doll?

Oh, no. I got something
that you're really
gonna like.

What happened
to you?
Shut up.

You guys teach here?
Yeah.

I was thinking about
taking some classes,

but I decided to hit
the job market early and
get a jump-start on things.

Can we help you?

Yeah. A guy got killed at
my country club last night.

A real douche bag,
but that just doesn't
make it right, you know?

It was an animal attack.

Isn't that something?

It happened by
the water hazard
on the fourth green.

The lady he was banging
saw the whole thing.

Anyhow, we chased
this sucker on the fairway,

and then it died
in a sand trap.

It just died? How?

Like it was
choking to death.
[ Gasping ]

You know?
Stopped breathing.

Anyway, it's like nothing
I ever saw before.

I thought you guys might
want to take a look at it.

[ Women Chattering ]

Jill, you've got some kind
of infestation here.

Huh?

You have
a serious bug problem.

What?

Jill, there's-- there's
something in your closet.

[ Glass Shatters ]

Open the door, Grace.

Me? It's your house.

Oh.

Hey, when did you guys
get a dog?

We don't have
a damn dog.

I don't think that's a dog.
It's like some kind of rodent.

Or a muskrat or pig.

Well, how the hell
did it get in here?

Doesn't look too healthy,
does it?

Well, it's frightened.

Look. He can barely breathe,
he's so scared.

Come on, cutie pie.
Uh-huh. Don't be afraid.

Come on.
That's a good boy.

[ Growls ]
[ Screaming ]

Yes, yes. 911?
[ Grunts ]

What the hell is that thing?

[ Air Hissing ]

Thanks. Um,

pick me up in an hour.

No, two. Oh, like an hour
and a half will be good.

Thanks.

Hi. Do you have
any messages for me?

Two single beds, please.
We're fighting.

Ira, come on. I'm tired.
I've had, like, two hours
of sleep.

I gotta go take
a shower.
They're spreading.

You're talking about
the golf course?
We're all over it.

Woodman sent a team
out there two hours ago.

Well, it's too bad you missed
the five-foot amphibian
that's lying dead in my lab.

They're adapting.
We got to shut it down.

No, you're overreacting.
We can handle this.

I used to be arrogant
like you.

We're both aware
of what that led to.

Take me seriously,
Allison.

I do take you seriously.

Then you got to talk
to Woodman because he
won't listen to me.

We got to kill
these things
while we still can.

All right.
I'll discuss it with him, but
I can't promise you anything.

Thank you.
Okay.

Oh, just
one more thing.
Yeah.

Do you think you could
ever be attracted to me?

Bye, Ira.
Just food for thought.

Yeah. She's mine.

[ Harry ]
I've been an adjunct professor
for going on four years now,

but I'm hoping
this whole alien brouhaha...

will net me
an honorary doctorate
somewhere.

You gonna finish
that bacon?

Yeah, I'm gonna finish it.
I ordered it, didn't I?

So, um,
about the coaching--
girls volleyball?

Mm-hmm.

Do you ever get to see
them take showers?

Yeah. All the time.
Sometimes I shower
with them.

You're kidding me,
right?
Hey.

So?
She's gonna talk
to Woodman.

Ah. Thank goodness.
Coffee?
Thank you.

Mm. I'm okay.

So level with me,
fellas.

Is there some sort
of alien... attack
happening here?

We don't know.

Excuse me. Can I
borrow your cream?

Hi, Denise.
Hello, Ira.

Still setting
the world on fire?
Ow.

That's Ira's ex over there
sitting with the cop.

What's with the police escort?
You're not under arrest?
I don't see any handcuffs.

[ Laughs ]
That's funny.
This is my friend, Sam.

He's about to make detective.
I know Sam.
We go way back.

Hey,
congratulations, Sam.

Maybe you can look
into what happened
to my missing shirts.

Did I tell you about that?
She walked out with, like,
two or three of my shirts.

I mean, is it--
I'm not up on the law,
you know, like law enforcement,

but is it against the law
when you walk out
of somebody's house...

with what they own?
You want your shirt?

Seriously, take it.
No, no, no.
Oh, come on.

You must be cold, right?
Are you cold? Is that it?

Why should I get
to wear the shirt
when it's your shirt?

It's amazing
how many women just--
They open their shirt to him.

I'm sure he'll let you
borrow the shirt
for just today.

Isn't that right,
Professor?
Uh--

[ Dispatcher ]
We have a code 1272
over in Valley Vista.

1272?
That's an animal attack.

1099 responding.
Got to go, babe.

Now?
They're calling.

Wait. Be careful out there.

Oh, you'll take care
of the check, right?

Yeah.

Hey, I want those
shirts back, Denise.

Hey, you got to admit,

this animal attack has kind
of an ominous feel to it,
doesn't it?

Check it out?
Check it out.

All right!

All right, looks like we're
under the microscope here,

so let's be very systematic
and subtle in what we do.

No cowboy stuff, okay?
No problem.

Professionals.
Officer Johnson.

All right, fellas,
what are you doing here?

We heard
about the animal attack.
And part of our job...

at the college and state health
department is to ascertain
if there's any health risk here.

Okay, you know what?
No. Not this time.
Forget about it.

You didn't touch it
with your bare hands?
That would be a serious no-no.

You did?
He touched it.
He shouldn't have touched it.

What do we do?
I don't know. He shouldn't
have touched it.

Okay, why don't you guys
come on in and take a look?

I'll be checking things out
around here in this vicinity.

Ooh! Ooh.

This dog is all ass.

Ira, look at this, man.

He would've come
from in here, right?

It's just used
for storage and access
under the house.

Looks like he crawled
right through the dirt
right there.

Hey, guys.
[ Clears Throat ]

I was, uh, conducting
a parameter check,

and, uh, there's something
you better see.

If you guys
liked that thing,
you're gonna love this.

What is it?

What is it?

Oh! Oh!

Great googa-mooga!
What did
I tell you?

[ Grunting ]

[ Ira ]
See, they're crawling out.

They're trying to breathe
in our atmosphere.

Fortunately, they haven't
been able to adapt yet.

Hey, Ira.
Yeah?

I think I know
how these things
got here.

How?

Well, this entire area is
just a honeycomb of caves
and old mine shafts.

If memory serves,
the Moenave cave system...

starts just a few miles
from here.

It's west
of the golf course.
Runs into the foothills,

continues down
to the Kaibab Plateau and
goes right into Lake Powell.

Our cave...

is smack dab
in the middle
of the system.

It's all connected.

Could you repeat that?
I'm impressed.

Hey, beneath this calm,
sexy exterior beats the heart
of a true scientist.

Whoa, guys.
That one's moving.

What the hell
is it doing?

[ Grunting ]

I think
it's trying to breathe.

Oh! That's like
a big loogie.

[ Groaning ]

Mazel tov. It's a boy.

It's oxygen tolerant.

It's flying away.
Is that a bad thing?

Only if you're
a human being.

[ Man ]
You know how much
I hate shopping.

We need to find you something
nice for Thanksgiving.
I've got enough clothes.

Tony, I think
that color's great on you.

[ Shrieking ]
Whoa!

[ Screaming ]

[ Horn Honking ]

I think this might
be the place.

You ever used
one of these before?

Just 'cause
I'm a schoolteacher
don't make me a pussy.

Hey, ladies, there's a flying
extraterrestrial in the store.
Can we focus?

** [ Girl Singing ]

[ Banging ]
* Won't you get me
On the highway *

I'm in here.
Just a minute.

** [ Continues ]
[ Banging ]

Just a second, please.

[ Banging Continues ]
I said just a second!

Bitch!

[ Banging Continues ]
How would you like me...

to scratch the eyes
out of your skull?

[ Sniffing ]

Here, birdie, birdie,
birdie, birdie,
birdie, birdie!

Birdie!

Ca-ca-ca-ca-
ca-ca-ca-caw!

Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

[ Quietly ]
Ca-caw.

All right.

If I was a giant,
nasty alien bird
in a department store,

where would I be?

Lingerie.
Not you. The bird.

Lingerie.

Help!

You go low.
I'm going high.
Got it.

We're never gonna
find this damn thing.

I lost him!
How do you lose
a 20-foot bird in a mall?

[ Harry ]
Ira, I don't know.

So what do we do now?

Ca-caw.

Ca-caw. Ca-caw.

Tookie-tookie! Ca-caw!
Ca-caw! Ca-ca-caw!
Wayne.

I think
we've established...

that "ca-caw, ca-caw"
and "tookie-tookie"
don't work.

Right. Sorry.

All right, so what
do you say, Ira?
Pack it in?

[ Wayne ]
* You are *

* So beautiful *

* To me *

Step back, Harry.
I'm gonna shoot him.

No. Stand down. I'm gonna
kill this one myself.

Give me a chance.
I'm communicating here.

* You are so beautiful *

* To me *
Wayne, would
you please stop?

Because you're
embarrassing me.

* Can't you see *

* You're every-- *

[ Shrieking ]

* You're everything
That I hope for *

[ Shrieking, Growling ]

It's working.
Yeah. Sing. Sing.
Rub some funk on it.

* And you're
Everything I need *

[ Shrieking ]

* You are so beautiful *

Here he comes. Grab the girl.
I'm gonna get the bird.
Got it.

* You are so beautiful *

* To me *

* To me **

[ Shrieking ]
Yeah!

[ Girl ]
Oh, my God!
[ Scattered Applause ]

All right! Nice shot!

I am so sorry.
I promise.

I swear to God I will
never shoplift again.

Good.

So what do you want,
light meat or dark?

You have to ask?
[ Growling ]

It's dead now.
Yep.

* Hey, do it, y'all *

* Hey, hey *

* Once I was
A boogie singer *

* Got to start
To feeling so low *

* And I decided quickly
Yes, I did *

* To disco down
And check out the show *

* Yeah, they were dancin'
And singin' *

* And movin'
To the groovin' *

* And just when it hit me *

* Somebody turned around
And shouted *

* Play that funky music,
White boy *

* Play that
Funky music right **

I'm standing at the edge
of the Valley Vista
housing community...

where just below me
there are dozens of giant
odd-looking dead creatures.

Now, we should
stress to our viewers...

that to this point,
we have received
no official word--

All that I saw was
this ugly tentacle thing
come out of the ground...

and tried to grab
my private parts.

I batted it away.
It got my hand.

[ Woman ]
...of anxiety and confusion
in the greater Glen Canyon area.

And so we stand outside
the state capitol building,

awaiting any comment
from the governor's office...

concerning
the nature and origin of
these extraordinary creatures.

Governor Lewis,
this way.

Can somebody here tell me
why I was not informed...

that we have goddamn aliens
crawling all over
my beloved state?

Right now I've got 400
meat-picking media vultures
camped outside my office.

They know more about
this thing than I do.

Now, I ought to throw
the whole goddamn, jacked-up
bunch of you in prison.

Not that cushy federal place
with the loose jumpsuits.

State prison
with the crotch binders.

I'm terribly sorry, Governor,

but there were some earlier
security breaches made
by Dr. Kane and his team.

Wait a minute. Excuse me.
We thought it best to keep
the lid on the situation...

in the interest
of national security.
That is not exactly true.

I believe
the governor's question
was directed at me, Dr. Reed.

Okay, put a plug in it.
I'm not interested
in your bureaucratic crapola.

What I really wanna know
is how bad this thing is.

It's bad, Governor.

Now, according
to the new ground sensors
and the satellite thermal scans,

they indicate
a potential problem.

I don't know
how to read all this.
What kind of a problem?

Now, somebody, please take
this ugly bag of snakes and
lay 'em out straight for me.

Now, please, allow me.
And you are?

Dr. Allison Reed.
How do you do?
Carla, would you mind?

Okay, the red markings
in these projections...

indicate the growth
of the alien ecosystem.

Unless we do
something immediately,

we will lose Glen Canyon
in three days.

Great merciful Christ.

[ Reed ]
In a week,
the rest of Arizona.

Then the entire southwest.

In two months,
the United States
officially belongs to them.

And we are extinct.

You got to be shitting me.

Come on. Admit it.
You're glad to see us. Huh?

I, for one, am glad to see you.
Call the M.P.'s.
Have these men arrested.

Hey, we just blew
a giant alien bird
out of a department store.

We're covering up
your mess.

Governor, Dr. Ira Kane.
I'm the chairman...

of the science department
at the Glen Canyon
Community College.

This is my associate.
Harry Phineas Block,
adjunct professor of geology.

Voted for you.
Wayne Grey.

I took some chemistry
in high school.

Now, you two gentlemen
are the original discoverers
of the phenomena.

Yes, sir.
That's correct.

Yes, they are,
and they're also responsible
for the mess we're in right now.

What?
Here we go.

They broke into
the contained area and
breached our safety procedures.

Unwittingly causing the
dissemination of alien organisms
outside the secured area.

Liar, liar, pants on fire!
Criminal charges
are in order here!

This is bullshit!
Shut up, all of you!
Listen.

My state out there
is being overrun
by vicious aliens.

Now, you're all supposed
to be the experts.

I wanna know right now
and I wanna know it quick.

How the hell are you
supposed to deal with this?

This is an outline
of the infected area
as of this afternoon.

Now, Governor, my plan
is to evacuate everyone...

from within five miles
of the perimeter.

Evacuation? You're
talking about 10,000 people.

Yes, sir. We evacuate,
make it safe...

and then we burn
the alien menace
right the hell out of there.

With what?

With napalm.
Lots and lots of napalm.

Napalm? Why don't
you just nuke 'em
while you're at it?

What about nukes?

Pull your horns in there, boys.
Nobody's dropping an H-bomb
on my state.

All this talk about
napalm and burning things
makes me very damn nervous.

Well, it should. We have
no idea how they'd react to such
an attack on a cellular level.

Governor, it is time
for a military solution.
This will work.

What?
Sorry to interrupt.
You better take a look at this.

What?

Clear out.

Right away, sir.
What?

What, you called me out
for this?

Sir, one of the creatures
just destroyed video four.

What's going on
down there?

[ Ira ]
My God. They've
evolved into primates.

Oh! Now, that's
a face for radio.

Whoa!

They just took out
six and seven.

All the monitors are down.
Well, that can't be good.

[ Motor Whirring ]
That's the elevator.

We have no personnel
down there.

They breached
the air lock.

What, the fuzzy
no-nose chimp?
Call for backup.

[ Bell Ringing ]

[ All Shouting ]

[ Ira ]
They're coming
through the elevator!

Cover the elevator!
Just stay back behind me!
Stay back behind me!

Get the hell off me!
I wanna see this thing!

Be prepared to fire.

It's empty, sir.

[ Electricity Arcing ]

[ Roaring ]

The governor!
The governor!
Don't shoot!

Help me!

[ Groaning ]
[ Roars ]

Somebody do something!
Hold your fire.
Hold your fire.

You're gonna get
somebody killed.

[ Panting ]

Nice shot.
I'll take that now.

General,
you have my full support...

to do whatever
you need to do, however
much firepower it takes.

You can melt
the whole place down
to beaded glass...

if that's what it takes.

Just get these hell-blown
creazoids out of my state.
Thank you, Governor.

I'll be ready to go
by noon tomorrow.
Good, sir.

Where have you two been?
I was just
getting out of the way.

Get me out of here!

Science project's over.

I want you
and your people gone.

Soldier,
escort these men out.
Yes, sir.

Don't you
have work to do?

You are such an asshole.

You know, when a woman
expresses anger,
it's often because--

Shut up, Flemming.
Shut up.

Okay, okay.
I know where the car is.

Wipe my ass too?

Hey, guys!

Got room for one more?

Hell, yeah.

Who wants to be
deputy director
of the C.D.C. anyway?

The real money's
in the private sector.

Are you sure
about this?
Oh, yeah.

Uh, listen. It may
not seem like much now,

but I managed
to get your research files
and your original samples.

So, if we survive this,
you guys will get the credit.

Thank you.
No. Thank--
No, it's nothing.

Let me get it.
No. I got it.

All right.

[ Allison ]
Ooh!

Sorry. Excuse me.
We haven't been
formally introduced yet.

I'm Wayne Grey.
Oh, hey,
I'm kind of with him.

Oh. That's cool.

Buckle up, Allison.
We're rolling.
Okay. Oh, my goodness!

[ Horns Honking ]

[ Man Over P.A. ]
Facilities are being provided
for you and your family.

Please move
in an orderly fashion.

They're gonna blow up
the whole town.

Hey! Hold it!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Where the hell you going?

* Get up, get up, get up
Drop the bombshell *

* Get up, get up
This is out of control *

* Get up, get up, get up
Drop the bombshell *

* Get up, get up *

[ Man Over P.A. ]
Attention. We need to clear
this area, people.

For your own safety,
evacuate immediately.

[ Man Speaking,
Indistinct ]

Hey, Professor Kane!

Arizona, it's
going down, baby!
Whoo!

This may not be the best time
for you boys to be drinking.

* This is out of control *

* Get up, get up, get up
Drop the bombshell *

* Get up, get up **

I was your first.

Remember, we
discovered you in that cave.
You were scared and alone.

It was just
you, me and Harry
in the beginning.

Those were good times, huh?

So why don't you
level with me now?

You can trust me.
Just talk to me.

Just tell me the secret.
Tell me the answer.

Tell me how to kill you.

You are losing it, pal.

What is
that stuff anyway?

Some of the original
liquid material
from inside the meteor.

Why hasn't it evolved
like the rest?
I don't know.

Uh, maybe because
it was refrigerated.

It was locked in an airtight
case. It didn't have anything
to metabolize with.

But regardless,
that doesn't give us
any kind of clue as to--

When did you start smoking?
Not much of a point
to clean living anymore.

Whoo!
Ooh!

Whoa.

Those things react to fire
like it was Miracle-Gro.

Fire.

The organisms
were dormant in space.

Then they collided with
the earth's atmosphere and bam!

Heat. Fire.
That's the catalyst.

So if a little, teeny match
catalyzes this stuff like this,

what's a ton
of napalm gonna do?

So much
for the military option.

You better call
that dick general.

[ Flemming ]
That's a lot
of napalm.

[ Woodman ]
Yes, it is.

We're going to blow
those damn creatures
straight to hell.

We'll flush them out
along the mine shafts...

and then mop up the edges
as they run trying
to escape the flames.

Excuse me, General.
There's an urgent call
from Dr. Reed.

She says she has
important information
about the mission.

Oh, really?
Well, unfortunately,
I'm not available.

Anything more?

No, sir.

He blew me off.
Can you believe it?

That bastard
wouldn't even
take my call.

You did call him
an asshole.

Hey, Dr. K.

We got beer.
Time to party.

Well, I'll take
one of those.
Me too. I just quit smoking.

What are you boys doing here?
Thought you could use
a brewski to mellow out.

Kick back and chill.
[ Danny ]
Yeah.

Have a beer, relax.
It's gonna help you
with your research.

[ Danny ]
Yeah, help you
with your research.

Whoa.
Look at that thing.

Whoa. Hey, can we have that
when you guys are done
with it?

Fellas, thank you for your help
and for the beers, but, really,
we're working here.

Hold it. Hold it.

Look at that.
What are you doing?

Selenium.
It could be the answer.

I'm looking at
the periodic table
on your T-shirt here...

and I'm seeing
this pattern emerge.

Take off your shirt.
I'll show you.
[ Both ] Yes!

No, I don't think so.
All right, look.

We are
a carbon-based life-form.
Keep pulling, Dr. K.

We move down here
and you found
our poison, arsenic.

But the aliens are
nitrogen-based, right?

You make the same move,
down and over,

and where do you
find yourself?

Selenium.
[ Ira ]
Selenium.

It could be
as lethal to them
as arsenic is to us.

And with their
metabolic rates,
it'll kill them fast.

Okay. Selenium.
How much do we need?

Five hundred gallons
could do it--
should do it.

Five hundred gallons?
[ Ira ]
Yeah.

Um, I hate to be a buzzkill,

but where are
we gonna get that
at 2:00 in the morning?

No problem.

Yeah, we can get that.

Head & Shoulders.
The dandruff shampoo?

Yeah, that's the stuff.
The active ingredient
is selenium sulfide.

Oh.

How do you know that?
You don't know anything.

Haven't you noticed how shiny
and flake-free our hair is?

Okay, this is
the best idea we got.

Let's give it a shot.
Come on. Let's do it.
Yeah.

Yeah. We'll get
the troops together.
We're getting shampoo!

I've got
the perfect vehicle.
Good.

Donalds,
you just got your A's.

Yes!
Yeah!

Almost full.

There's something
I feel I should tell you,
but I don't know exactly how.

Well, just say it.
We're adults.

And we're all about to die
a very horrible death
soon anyway, so--

I would have rocked
your world.

You already have.
[ Wayne ]
We're all full!

Battle stations!
[ All Cheering ]

Can we continue
this discussion later?
Yes.

Let's do this!

Let's shampoo us
some aliens!

[ Man ]
Left, right, left!

Lots of soldiers around.

Left, two, three, four!

Left, two, three, four!
Left, left!

There's an old
abandoned silver mine about
half a click south of here.

We can sneak into the cave
through there.

[ Ira ]
"Half a click"?
What are you, in Vietnam?

Hey, I'm digging this.
Work with me, baby.
Work with me.

It's over here!
It's right here!

Are you okay?
I'm good. I'm good.

Let's go.
Let's do this.

You sure this leads
to the main cavern?

It'll definitely
lead us somewhere.
Geology's not an exact science.

[ Harry ]
Where are you?

Where are you,
my little aliens?

Show yourself.

Warm to the touch.

Ohh.
Highly acidic.

Harry, we do not have time
for you to act like you
know what you're doing.

Hey, what happened
to the respect?

Woodman's
going at noon.
We gotta hurry.

Very good.
Are the troops in place?

Ahead of schedule.
Excellent.
We can go early.

Oh, no. What is
he doing here?

Governor Lewis.
I don't see
anything burning.

Where are
all the explosions?
We're just getting underway.

I didn't know you were
coming to see the show, sir.

Well, you damn well better
make it a good one, Sergeant.
That's General.

Not if you screw this up.
Keeping my chair warm
for me, are you?

Thank you.

I'll take a pair
of spy glasses
and a hot chocolate.

Give me your hose, Wayne.
Get up top.

When I give you the signal,
start pumping the selenium.

Got it.

[ Ira ]
Okay, we're gonna spray
all around the meteor...

then get the hell out of here
as fast as we can.

[ Growling ]

Oh, oh. Blue monkey.
Blue monkey!

Wayne, charge the line now!

Whoa!
[ Gasps ]

[ Roars ]

That's the napalm.
Oh! Woodman went early.

[ Explosion ]
Ohh!

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad!

Wayne, come on!

Okay, I'm out!

[ Screaming ]
We got to go!

Go! Go!
Faster! Get up there!

Run! Run for your life!
Go! Go! Go!

Quite the bonfire
we got going there,
General Woodman.

Should've brought some wieners.
That can be arranged,
Governor.

First reports from the field
are excellent, sir.
Very good.

Keep it together, Wayne.
Keep it together.

Oh, my God.
What is it?

[ All Yelling ]

[ Roaring ]

What's happening?

It's coming!
It's coming!
What's coming?

Get the hell
out of here!

Great flaming
whore balls!

General, look.
Ohh!

Hurry!
Drive!

Go! Go!
All right!

[ Shrieking ]

Oh, my God!
[ Yelling ]

Oh, my God.

[ All Shouting ]

Fall back. Fall back!

[ Wayne ]
What the hell
is that thing?

The napalm forced
an evolutionary response,

just like the match
in the petri dish.

That's evolution?

Survival of the fittest.
Often the simplest
organism is the strongest.

Um, guys?
It's freaking out.

[ Deke ]
It's starting to have
some sort of spaz attack.

Oh, no.
That's not spazzing out.

It's getting ready to divide.

Mitosis.

Wait. There's gonna be
more of these things?

Yeah. A lot more.
Its cycle is starting
all over again.

It's gonna go on
growing and doubling
until it takes over.

Yeah. But we
were here first.

So that Head & Shoulders idea--
Is that still the plan
or what?

I'm driving.

I don't care
if he's on Air Force One.

They've got phones on there.
I've see them.

I don't think
this is gonna wait an hour.

Hey, what's that fire truck
doing out there?

Ooh-whoo-hoo!

Mama.

Can you believe this?

We got to find
a point of attack.

[ Groaning ]

There!

Ooh!
[ Creature Farts ]

Ohh! Nasty!

Allison, stop, stop, stop.
Right here. Right here.

Here we go.
Get the ladder up!

Feed me the hose, Deke.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?

I'm going up top.

Not before me.
I got a major
score to settle.

Go! Go! Go!

We don't have
much time, guys!

Hurry!

Left!
Left!

All right, I got it.
I haven't had too much
practice with this thing.

Whoo-whoo!

Stop! Stop!

What's going on?
I don't know. But that
damn thing's getting bigger.

What the hell
are those guys
doing with that ladder?

Looks like
they're getting ready
to administer a jumbo enema.

We got one shot.
Let's do this.

It's payback time!

Whew! Whew!
Keep it in there!

What's it look
like I'm doing?

It's working!

Shit!
Whoa!

What the hell?
[ Harry ] Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Give me back my friend,
you big sphincter!

She's gonna blow!

Will you stop kicking?
It's horrible in here!

I gotcha!
Help me, please!

I got you!
Hold me!
Don't let me go!

We gotta get out of here!
This thing's gonna blow!

You cannot imagine what
I've seen in there!

Hurry up, guys!
Come on!

Ira, don't you ever tell
anyone where I've been!

Dear Lord.

Uh-oh. Time to go.
[ All Yelling ]

Go!
Go!

Go!

Whoa! We did it!

Yeah!
Yeah!

Here we go, sir.
Just relax and we'll
have you just as good as new.

[ Yelling ]
[ Lewis ]
I am happy to report...

that absolutely all remaining
traces of the alien menace
have now been eradicated...

using the selenium
shampoo formula
developed right here.

Now, let me introduce
our civilian scientist
heroes and their team,

the best that
the great state of Arizona
has been privileged to produce.

[ Applause, Cheers ]

So this is your moment.

You wouldn't wanna miss
this for anything, huh?

[ Lewis ]
Firstly, I would like you
all to meet Wayne Grey.

[ Applause ]
As of today,
fully credentialed firefighter.

I spoke to the chief.

Ah, thanks, Governor.

Now our next hero,
Professor Harry Block,
noted geologist...

and the winningest coach
in North Arizona
women's volleyball.

I appreciate that, Governor.
Very kind.

First of all, let's give it
up to God. With Him,
all things are possible.

[ Woman ] Amen!
Basically, we just
played tough defense.

Took it one alien at a time,
and we were able to come away
with the big "W."

Thank you.
[ Applause ]

[ Woman ]
You're a hero!

And finally,
Drs. Ira Kane
and Allison Reed,

whose tireless efforts,
research and academic
findings led to the--

I think he's giving her
a bit of the Kane Madness.

Wow. Fighting the alien
menace can be tough work.

And so is keeping
your hair clean, shiny
and dandruff-free.

So it's a good thing
that we always keep
a healthy supply of...

[ All ]
Head & Shoulders
around the house.

* Please let me comfort you *

* It's the end of the world
Right now *

* Please let me kiss
Your lips *

* It's the last
Living on earth *

* Would you love me *

* If it were the end
Of the world right now *

* Let's pretend it is *

* The last living
On earth right now **

** [ Woman Vocalizing ]

* Love doesn't think *

* Love doesn't look *

* Love takes a flying leap
Off the bridge *

* Love swallows the hurt *

* Love doesn't sleep *

* Love is out of control *

* Love is only human *

* It can swallow you whole *

* Anyway
The main thing is *

* We groove in a dream *

* We groove in a dream *

* Love doesn't think *

* Love doesn't look **

* I've thought about it
Time away *

* And it's taking a toll *

* It's hard to break away
From lovin' *

* When it feels so good *

* We're always
Laughing and singing *

* And groovin' and lovin'
And reachin' for more *

* I cannot sleep on it tonight
But tomorrow will bring more *

* And it always lets you down
Come on now *

* So don't play around *

* On the borderline *

* The time is right *

* Are you satisfied *

* Are you satisfied *

* All right **