Original subtitles

** [ Car Stereo: Rock ]

** [ Stops ]

** [ Humming ]

[ Thud ] Ow.

[ Straining ]

[ Squeaks ]

Despite all the warnings, she was smoking in bed.

Fell asleep. Bad move.

[ Liquid Pouring, Metal Clanks ]

And the fire begins.

Show time.

[ Screaming ]

Don't worry, ma'am! I'm here to save you!

Keep those people back! This is an emergency!

[ Thud, Squeak ] Don't you dare die on me!

Breathe, damn it, breathe!

She's gonna make it! She's gonna make it!

[ Whooshing ]

What the--

[ Screams ]

Oh, damn!

[ Man ] Rick, wait up!

Okay, I'll check it out.

Though it may be hard to believe that a single biology professor...

making in excess of $17,500 a year...

could manage to find time to grade your first biology research papers, I did.

As you can see, there was a shocking statistical anomaly.

Pretty much all of you got A's.

[ Cheering ]

You deserve to congratulate yourselves.

I've got a real good feeling about this group.

I think that the parade of A's is gonna continue...

straight through to the end of the semester.

So much for the bell curve. Bell curves suck, man!

[ Applause ] Mr. Kane!

Dr. Kane, seems to be a mistake here.

You see, you see, my brother and I each got a C-minus on our reports.

C-minus. Me too.

Allow me to share something with the entire class.

Um, last night, as I was grading papers,

I came across two gems, both entitled "Cells are Bad."

Both with just one paragraph,

which I unfortunately committed to memory.

"Cells are bad.

"My uncle lives in a cell. It's 10 foot by 12,

"and he has to read the same old boring magazine every day.

The end." [ Laughter, Applause ]

You're talking about our papers, aren't you, Dr. Kane? Yes, I am.

Although my standards are nowhere near where they used to be,

I still could not bring myself to put an "A" on top of those beauties.

I hope you understand, guys. Sure.

Yeah, okay.

Let's get back to work at the periodic table here,

which is not, as some of you suppose--

A meteor? Where?

Uh-huh. Route 89-A.

Yeah, yeah, got it.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah, rest assured, I will be there.

Okay, bye.

So how does it look, Professor?

It's tight.

Uh, really, really tight, Nadine, but not too tight.

You just don't have the points. I'm sorry.

But don't take it too hard. Geology's a lot tougher subject than people think.

Are you sure? Couldn't you just check again?

I really need this credit to get into nursing school.

Nursing school?

Wouldn't you be more comfortable in a different profession,

one where people's lives were not dependent on you?

Actually, what I really want to be is Miss Arizona,

but my pageant consultant says that nursing school will really impress the judges.

Makes me look like I want to help people.

Ready for lunch?

Or... have you already eaten?

I was just concluding a teacher-student conference...

with Nadine here, Ira. Harry,

your dedication to your job is an inspiration to us all.

Regrettably, Nadine, I have a prior lunch engagement with Professor Kane.

We'll talk about your extra credit later, okay?

Cheer up.

Let me grab my stuff. [ Coughs ]

Where you taking me? Meteor hit last night.

Oh, that's what that was. Yep.

As the Glen Canyon official representative of the U.S. Geological Survey,

I have been assigned to check it out.

I'm taking you along in case I actually have to do something scientific.

Then we eat. You're an official representative of the U.S.G.S.?

Signed up over the Internet.

What, were you on some cheerleader site...

and you accidentally got linked over to the U.S.G.S. site?

Something like that.

Watch her, now. Take it easy. That's my baby.

There you go. Take it easy.

Whoa! Whoa! Come on!

Be careful! Who's gonna pay me for the damage to my goddamn car?

Son, I told you, we don't do that. It's force majeure.

Force majeure, my ass! That car's a classic '73 Buick Riv.

Hey, now, who are you?

Harry Block, United States Geological Survey.

This is my secretary, Ira Kane.

We're here to investigate the meteor if, indeed, that is what it is.

Of course it's damn meteor. It almost blew up my damn car.

I'm still fuzzy on what you were doing there in the middle of the night.

Yeah, with Betty Lou here.

For the thousandth time, I was practicing for my fireman's exam,

which, for your information, started about seven minutes ago,

so I would really appreciate it if you'd let me get outta here.

So you and the blonde found the meteor?

Yeah, I found it. It bounced my car 200 feet in the air.

Okay, can I go? Bob, get him out of here right now.

Don't leave town.

Sheriff, is this the, um,

the point of penetration?

Yeah. It punched through into a cavern about 80 feet down.

[ Whistles ]

Now, that's a hole.

[ Groans ] Damn it! Next time, you're carrying this case.

Hey, you're the U.S.G.S. representative.

I believe that responsibility comes with the badge.

Oh, my God. Look at that.

I believe we've located the target.

All right, two big smiles, fellas. Cheese!

Okay, hold it up now. All right?

Ohh! Got it.

Ooh, it's hot. It's really hot. I'll hold you up, okay?

Show me a little more nightstick.

Look at these jackasses. Muscles. Muscle pose.

Give me big smiles, fellas. Looking good, fellas.

At ease, gentlemen! The Feds are here.

Feds? What Feds?

Who let you down here? Let's not get combative, Lieutenant.

The U.S.G.S. and local law enforcement...

have a long history of cooperation.

We're just down here to get some scientific samples, if that's okay with you guys.

Uh, yeah, sure.

We got all the, uh, photographic evidence we need. Carry on.

Thank you. Keep up the good work.

Wow.

It just hit last night, and it's got...

stuff growing on it.

Could be cave moss.

Cave moss after just a few hours? That's peculiar.

Let's get a sample and get out of here.

Ooh.

[ Harry ] It's bleeding.

It's a rock that... bleeds.

Now that's really peculiar.

Let's bag it.

I don't know if this whole Geological Society gig is all it's cracked up to be.

I mean, yeah, it pads on my résumé, but am I growing as a person?

Am I growing as a Division Three women's volleyball coach?

Hmm?

Are you gonna do those spectro-thingie tests it says to do in the guidebook?

Spectrograph. Yeah, I will do a full spectroscopic analysis.

Your résumé will shine.

Good. I gotta get to the game. Let me know if you find anything.

Ira, are you sure you can handle this by your lonesome?

All right, all right.

That's impossible.

Ten base pairs.

That can't be.

[ Horn Blows ] [ Harry ] We need this!

Come on, ladies! Look alive up here! Look alive!

Tina, cover the line! When Lisa goes for the spike, you've got to cover the line!

Lisa! Two hands, okay? Two hands! Harry!

God gave you two goddamn hands for a reason! Harry!

Big news. The most amazing thing.

The meteor samples are teeming with one-celled organisms.

Their metabolic rates are off the charts.

They're dividing at an incredible rate. It's practically exponential.

Their DNA has ten base pairs.

Ten base pairs. That's good to know. Thank you, Ira.

Harry, the DNA of all life on Earth has only four base pairs.

Come on, ladies! Look alive!

Harry, these are organisms from another world.

They're aliens.

Is the Nobel Prize paid in installments...

or in a lump sum like the lottery?

Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Here. My office.

I'm not getting ahead of myself. I'm concerned about the potential tax consequences.

Why in here? I just want to be a little cautious.

Our discovery.

I'm all tingly. Yeah.

Wow.

I'm no biologist,

but how many cells do single-celled organisms have?

If we're gonna be big important scientists,

you have to start to act the part.

Why don't you take a look?

There are multicellular organisms in there.

[ Laughs ] Yes, I know.

No, but they weren't there before. So they snuck in.

No, there was no sneaking in.

It's-- It's-- No, it's too amazing.

What? It's-- It's--

It's like they're evolving.

They're growing.

They're growing into more complex organisms.

It's evolution.

Nobel, here we come.

Yeah, but it's 200 million years worth in just a few hours.

That's fast.

You have no idea.

[ Man ] All right, get ready! [ Snoring ]

On my signal! Go!

Come on! Go, go, go, go!

Recruit, wake up. Wake up!

Go! Go, go, go, go, go!

The hose! This thing here!

Sorry.

Move it, move it, move it! Wayne, go!

Go, go, go! Go! Come on!

Ohh! Ohh!

[ Groaning ] Well, buddy, these things happen.

There's another test in six months.

Six months? I can't wait six months.

Well, at least you still got the pool gig over at the country club.

Great. Thanks a lot.

Ohh! Drive careful.

I got it, I got it. I do this.

Looks like we got some visitors.

Okay, class, since this is our first field trip,

I want you to obey a few very simple rules, okay?

Ugh. Dirt. Nice footwear.

Perfect for spelunking. I don't want you to touch anything.

Don't move anything. Don't even breathe unless we tell you to...

and wear your protective gloves at all times.

Why do we have to do this? Firsthand field experience, that's why.

The very meat and potatoes of geology.

Is this gonna be on the final? Yes.

Officer, nice to see you again. Hey, Professor. What's up?

We came to pick up the rock. Pick it up? What?

Yeah, well, we're-- Just orders from the U.S.G.S.

They want it under controlled conditions.

It's very technical.

Oh, technical stuff. It's technical.

So, yeah, okay. Go right ahead.

We're just gonna haul it right on out of here. Sure, go ahead.

Deke and Danny, remember what we talked about, right?

You guys are in charge of the hoisting. I want you to get the winch to the hole.

Okay, fellas, stop nodding and just stare at me for a second, okay?

Focus.

You understand what I want you to do? Yeah, we got you.

Yeah. Go do it.

Ira, I'm picking up a heavy creepy vibe here.

Yeah, a lot has changed.

Class, I know these look like mushrooms,

but please try to refrain from eating them.

Ugh! It smells disgusting.

Nadine, sometimes science stinks.

It's the game we play, baby.

Rotten egg smell. Hydrogen sulfide, right?

Yeah, and ammonia and methane. It's like it's converting the atmosphere.

Look at all this rudimentary plant life. It's amazing.

I don't wanna get all girly here,

but I think I feel something wiggling around my toes.

The ground does seem to be moving.

Whoa!

Flatworms. Millions of them!

Eww! God! Ohh!

God! Ohh! Whoa!

Barely 18 hours, and we already have flatworms.

Look, look, look! Hey, there they are!

Hi, Dr. Kane! Hey, Dr. Kane!

Ohh!

Man, I almost went down on that one! That was awesome.

Come here, little buddy.

I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm not gonna hurt you.

You didn't hurt it. You killed it.

The oxygen must have killed it.

Must need its own atmosphere to live.

Yeah. Why don't you grab a specimen jar?

We'll try to scoop some of the atmosphere in there with them.

Took us two billion years to do what they did in just a couple of days.

Yeah. Those little germs are the embodiment of the American dream.

Ahem. I'm, um, so sorry to interrupt, Professor Block,

but am I correct in assuming that that little field trip...

fulfilled my missing credit requirements?

You know, Nadine, you're a very, very smart girl,

but if you would just focus--

Um, Professor, the little wiggly worm things in there are breaking.

Ira, look. Yeah.

[ Ira ] No, it's not breaking. It's splitting.

It's mitosis. That's how they reproduce.

No sex? No time for sex.

Bummer.

Oh, little guys are splitting again.

Put it away. Look, we call no one, we tell no one.

This is our secret, right?

What about the government? Is this the kind of thing they usually get involved in?

No. No government. I know those people. Absolutely not. You do?

Look, this is our discovery and we have to maintain absolute control.

We have to do more research and check our findings, document everything.

[ Man ] Hey, Wayne.

[ Sighs ] What's this?

That would be an all-cotton towel, sir.

I believe a Fieldcrest. It's a damp towel, Wayne.

What the hell is a damp towel doing on my chaise?

Okay. Let me go take care of this for you.

You should, Wayne, because you're the pool manager.

If anyone knows what to do about the dampness on my chair, it's you.

"Oh, you know what to do with the towels 'cause you're the pool boy."

What the hell?

[ Water Bubbling ]

Where did you guys come from?

You're dead now. [ Bubbling ]

Whoa! What the--

Okay.

Hey, Harry, when I checked the samples this morning,

I found three different subspecies.

I mean, these things are evolving so quickly.

God knows what we're gonna find when we get back.

Whoa! Whoa!

Please tell me there's an air show today. Damn.

Ah, shit.

Can I help you? Harry Block, Ira Kane.

United States Geological Society.

We're doing some important research. This is our site.

I'm sorry. Not anymore. You're not on the list.

What do you mean? We come here all the time.

This is not a nightclub. Take it somewhere else.

Hey, I know my constitutional rights, okay?

You can't tell me-- Harry! Harry! Look,

maybe you can call your superior, we can have a word with him.

I have a Harry Block and an Ira Kane out here....

saying they have some connection to the site. Punk.

What? You gotta know how to talk to the white man.

The white man about to get his ass whupped. He doesn't like to be yelled at.

Did you say Kane? Ira Kane?

Yeah. Yeah. The Ira Kane?

Oh, I've been looking forward to this for a long time. You bastard!

[ Soldier ] You're history! Hey, hey, hey!

Get his gun! You're crazy!

Take it easy! All right, they're good. Up!

You're responsible for the worst month of my life! Let me go!

What the hell was that about? I don't know.

All right, drive straight down to the command tent. They're expecting you.

Go. Thank you.

That's the guy that had me in diapers for over a month!

Let me go! Who the hell was that?

Gentlemen, just up here. General Woodman's expecting you.

Russell Woodman?

Ha ha! Ira!

Ohh! What an unexpected surprise.

For me too. I didn't realize we were on a hugging basis.

The same old Ira Kane. And you must be?

Harry Block, this is General Russell Woodman, head of U.S. Army research.

General. Harry.

So you two know each other?

Ira used to work for me. Right, Ira?

I worked with you, actually.

Ira, you used to work in Army research at the Pentagon? Yeah.

And all this time I thought you were just a schoolteacher.

No. How did you find out about this, Russell?

You leave the Pentagon, you don't call me, you don't write.

We like to keep tabs on our prodigal sons.

So you tapped my phone?

No. We're not the KGB, Ira.

Actually, we've been monitoring your computer.

His computer?

All those girls in the photos are over 18.

Yes, I'm sure. I should have figured.

You should've known better than to try to keep something this big from us.

And the C.D.C. Ah!

Just in time. Ira, this is Allison Reed,

senior researcher in epidemiology at the... C.D.C.

[ Harry ] Nice underwear.

A garter belt at a day function?

I can do it. Thank you very much. Thank you. I'm okay.

I'm okay. Dr. Kane.

I'd heard about your recklessness,

but you are way out of line on this one.

Do you realize how dangerous this situation could have become?

It's nice to meet you too. No need to play the blame game here.

No harm, no foul. Suffice it to say...

that we're all very appreciative the discovery made by Dr. Kane and Mr. Black.

Block. Block. I'm sorry.

The confirmation of the existence of life outside this planet--

Would be the greatest scientific discovery...

of our time. Yes, actually.

Yes, and you have my word that you'll be kept in the loop from this point forward.

Oh, you son of a bitch. What do you mean, kept in the loop?

General, we are the loop.

We're not gonna cut you out, but we do need to take control.

We're just following protocol, Ira. You remember protocol.

I got some protocol right here for you, Russell. Come and get it!

Look, the simple fact is, this research must continue...

under careful government control and scrutiny.

We've already secured the area.

We're constructing an air lock into the cavern...

and a state-of-the-art field research facility.

So, you see, there's not a whole lot...

for the science department of Glen Canyon Community College to do here.

Did you catch that condescending tone with he says "Glen Canyon Community College"?

We are following well established federal guidelines.

Please, Russell. Don't pull this crap. We deserve to be here.

You deserve to be here?

You're lucky anybody's ever let you near a science laboratory again, Ira.

You're a disgrace, and a dangerous one at that.

Lieutenant, show these men out.

This is horseshit.

This is not over.

You're in for a fight, Russell.

Would you stop following me, please? Thank you.

We're not gonna bend over and take this!

Fruit basket for Russell Woodman!

Happy holidays, General!

Cute.

Dr. Kane, are you asking me to bar the federal government...

from involvement in a discovery as significant as this one?

No, not at all. We're asking you to make sure...

that the local scientists who actually made the discovery...

continue to play a significant role.

They've kept us out for almost two weeks.

We put our lives on the line to find these little guys, Your Majesty.

We just want to be there for them as they grow up.

We were the first team at the meteor site,

and all the initial testing was done in our lab, Judge.

The facilities at Glen Canyon Community College are a joke.

They weren't a joke when I went there, General.

Okay.

Your Honor, if the court would allow me to depose Dr. Kane?

Depose me?

We think your past is very relevant, Dr. Kane.

These issues speak directly to his competence as a scientist.

Dr. Kane, you were a top-level researcher...

at USAMRID from '94 to '97, were you not? Yes, that's correct.

And you were summarily dismissed in the summer of 1997.

Any idea why?

My services were no longer required?

Uh-huh. So in your opinion, your firing...

had nothing to do with an experimental anthrax vaccine...

that you developed and administered to nearly 140,000 U.S. soldiers...

in May of that year?

[ Whispering ] I see where you're going with this.

It may have been a factor. You'd have to ask the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

I'll make a note to do that, but for now,

can you tell me what happened to the soldiers that were inoculated with your vaccine?

Well, none of them got anthrax, if that's what you're asking.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah. What did they get?

Um, well, as with any new vaccine,

there were certain side effects associated with it.

Could you be more specific?

It was a wide range of things. It's very technical.

I'd hate to waste the court's time getting into it right now.

Humor me.

Some, uh, debilitating stomach cramps.

Severe diarrhea.

Memory loss.

Yes. Go on. Any more symptoms?

Partial facial paralysis, temporary blindness, drooling,

bleeding gums, erectile dysfunction, uncontrollable flatulence.

I think that's it.

One more question. Do you happen to remember...

what the soldiers called this illness, Dr. Kane?

Yeah. They called it the Kane Madness.

Keep your head up.

You know she wants to give you some, right?

Were you even in that courtroom?

Getting barbecued like baby back ribs? It's all foreplay, baby.

Oh! We've been hit.

Forget the foreplay. We just got screwed.

Empty. Bad. This is very, very bad.

Damn it!

I don't care who they are! Stealing is stealing!

Perfect.

They took the rock, the samples, all the little wormy critters.

All the data's gone-- the JPEG files, the DNA sequences.

They cleaned us out. I'm calling the cops.

The cops? They are the cops!

Then what?

Let me ask you something.

How come you get to be a colonel, and I'm just a private?

I was a colonel. You obviously served your country with distinction.

Consider yourself lucky. The penalty for impersonating an officer is 5 years in prison.

Yeah, maybe for you, white boy.

Me, they hang.

Colonels first.

I was out here for 12 hours.

My toes are starting to hurt from standing.

Stop it.

Just act like you belong. Don't worry. I got this.

Pick up that butt, soldier. Sorry, sir.

And tuck that shirt in. Yes, sir.

Get the door. Get the door.

Thank you, Private. Don't get used to this.

Whoo-hoo. Look at that.

Enjoy your lunch, gentlemen.

[ Allison ] Okay, I'll be right back.

Oh, your girlfriend, eleven o'clock.

Oh. Darn it.

The woman's a menace.

Testing, one, two, one, two. One, one, one, one, two.

This is deejay Harry Block here, and I'm an Aquarius.

Harry, will you stop it? I can hear you. Don't you snap at me,

unless you want an angry Solid Gold dancer on your hands.

Lieutenant?

Excuse me. Yeah?

Who's that?

I don't know.

I don't have anything on my schedule.

Maybe it's the guys from sector 12 doing a nocturnal specimen run.

You know how those guys are. Oh, yeah.

This place has changed.

[ Bell Dings, Air Hissing ]

Oh, my God.

Can you believe this? Harry, look at that.

Our little babies are growing up.

Three weeks, it's already like a rain forest in here.

[ Harry ] Ugh. Looks like the kitchen from my first apartment.

Hey, Harry, check that guy out.

Is it coming or going?

The tree just ate it.

Everything down here seems to be food for something else,

so let's try to stay off the menu, huh? Got that right.

[ Squeaks ] Oops.

Ira, come here. Look at these little things.

Oh, cool. Hey, snag one.

Snag one? Yeah. Snag one and put him in the bucket.

I seen this movie. The black dude dies first. You snag it.

Don't be scared. We came for a specimen, now snag one.

Come on. It's not gonna hurt you. He's turned the other way.

He's eating.

Come on. Come on, my little red lobster.

Come on, my sexy little crustacean. Come on.

Whoa! Ohh!

Ira, look at that backside.

Theater in the round.

That's the kind of trunk space you want in a late model car.

Who does that remind you of?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

She's been throwing it at you enough.

Dr. Reed? Bull's-eye.

Excuse me, Dr. Reed. Did you authorize a walk-through?

No. Why?

Um, you should probably take a look at something.

Here.

[ Harry ] That's the kind of rump you'd like to roast.

Kind of mother you like to butter. [ Ira ] That is a nice image.

And I appreciate your assumption...

that there is an actual sexual human being...

underneath all Dr. Reed's deep-seated neuroses, but I don't think so.

What? Yeah.

[ Ira ] I think she is a humorless ice queen.

[ Harry ] Ira, that's just a cover. Don't you know that?

All she needs is a good humping.

[ Mocking Orgasm ] Oh, Ira. Ira!

Ira! Stop that. We gotta get a piece of the asteroid.

And cut that out. It disturbs me.

Ira! Don't do that behind my back like that.

I'm not doing it. Cut it out.

Okay, I'm just walking. Ira!

[ Hammering Rock ]

Let's bag that and get the hell out of here.

I'm ready when you are, Colonel.

This disco suit is making me chafe. [ Buzzing ]

Oh, shoo, fly!

Hey, hold it right there.

Dr. Reed, so nice to see you again.

We were just leaving. You're in direct violation of the judge's orders.

I could have you arrested right now. Wanna talk about violations?

What about our lab? Anybody got a can of Raid?

What are you talking about? You stole our computer hard drive, our samples,

our files, everything. I didn't steal anything.

Your buddies cleaned us out. Those guys right there. No, we didn't.

Damn right. You've been trying to grab credit on our discovery.

All we're trying to do is take back a piece of what's rightfully ours.

I'm concerned with public safety.

Is this true? Are you aware of any of this, Flemming?

No. Absolutely not. Hey, there's something in my suit.

Don't believe him! He admitted to hacking into our computer!

There's something in my suit. Harry, what?

Ira, there's something in my suit!

That's impossible! It is sealed!

The fly! There's a fly in my suit!

Oh, God! Don't take off your helmet!

Turn up the oxygen! It'll kill it!

[ Air Hissing ]

You see it? Look. Do you see it?

No. You're all right. Okay.

Who's the man? You're the man. I'm the man.

You're the man. Okay. [ Sighs ]

Oh, my God. [ Buzzing ]

[ Screams ] It's in me!

Harry! [ Screaming ]

For the love of everything good and holy, get this goddamn thing out of me!

You're gonna be okay, Harry. Cut him open! Let's get this thing!

Cut me open? There goes your Christmas gift, Judas!

It's moving down his leg.

What do we do? We might have to amputate.

Don't take the leg! Ira, don't let them take my leg!

Is there anything else you can do? He thinks he's an athlete.

Doctor, look. Ooh.

It's heading for his testicles. Take it! Take the leg!

Wait, wait! No, no, no, no!

It's going the other way. Give me some forceps.

I might be able to catch it in his colon. How are you going in?

Rectally. Noooo!

I'll get lubricant. There's no time for lubricant.

There's always time for lubricant! All right, flip him!

Okay, here we go.

Try to relax, buddy. It's gonna be okay.

I'll shove this gurney up your ass! See if you relax!

Cheek spreader. All right. I'm going in.

[ Grunting ]

Don't clench. Don't clench. You're so brave.

You're so brave. A little more.

No more! A little deeper.

No... deeper! Squeeze my hand. Squeeze it!

Almost there. Open up. Breathe.

Breathe. I'm breathing!

Almost there. You're there!

[ Straining ] Ohh!

It's over, it's over.

It just died.

Don't you ever do that again!

Should've seen that thing. It was like this! You took it like a man.

You're all right. You did great. Can we get you anything?

Ice cream. I'd like an ice cream, please. What flavor?

Doesn't matter. It's for my ass.

** [ Pop ] [ Horn Honking ]

** [ Continues ]

Man! Now I'm a Hawaiian warrior?

You know, I'm thinking seriously about moving maybe down to California.

Start over. Because of the fireman thing?

Big deal. You flunked out.

You know how many times I've flunked in my life? A ton.

Hey, pool boy, you watering down the mai tais?

No, sir, but let me fix you something special.

'Cause you're nothing but a big, fat monkey turd.

Excuse me? What?

Your drink's almost ready.

Here you go. That should tide you over.

** [ Continues ]

* He even sews *

* And don't forget, folks That's what you get, folks *

* For makin' *

* A little whoopee **

** [ Humming ]

[ Straining ]

[ Pop ] [ Yells ] Damn it!

That's gonna stain.

** [ Humming ]

Barry!

Barry, where are you? I can't see you.

Where are you?

I'm down here, my pet, by the water.

[ Screaming ]

No! [ Growling ]

[ Screaming ]

** [ Continues ]

[ Woman Screaming ]

Something just ate Barry Cartwright!

[ People Gasping ]

Oh. That's too bad.

[ Allison ] I don't get it. How does someone with your background,

credentials and talent...

end up... like you?

Thank you.

Your partner could've died. What were you thinking?

I was desperate.

I've been exiled out here in Arizona for five years...

watching the world pass me by,

and this amazing discovery literally falls into my lap.

I look at it as my ticket out of here.

But I don't suppose that you would understand that.

Oh, no, how could I?

I'm just a humorless ice maiden in desperate need of a good humping.

You heard that, huh? Loud and clear.

Don't think you know so much about me. You don't.

I'm sure I don't.

Thank you for not calling the cops.

[ Harry ] Ohh! Ohh!

Be careful! Stop being such a baby.

We've seen that car before.

[ Groans ] No more bran for me.

Hey, girls.

Hey.

Cut it out.

Hey, it's the meteor guy.

What's in the bag, your blow-up doll?

Oh, no. I got something that you're really gonna like.

What happened to you? Shut up.

You guys teach here? Yeah.

I was thinking about taking some classes,

but I decided to hit the job market early and get a jump-start on things.

Can we help you?

Yeah. A guy got killed at my country club last night.

A real douche bag, but that just doesn't make it right, you know?

It was an animal attack.

Isn't that something?

It happened by the water hazard on the fourth green.

The lady he was banging saw the whole thing.

Anyhow, we chased this sucker on the fairway,

and then it died in a sand trap.

It just died? How?

Like it was choking to death. [ Gasping ]

You know? Stopped breathing.

Anyway, it's like nothing I ever saw before.

I thought you guys might want to take a look at it.

[ Women Chattering ]

Jill, you've got some kind of infestation here.

Huh?

You have a serious bug problem.

What?

Jill, there's-- there's something in your closet.

[ Glass Shatters ]

Open the door, Grace.

Me? It's your house.

Oh.

Hey, when did you guys get a dog?

We don't have a damn dog.

I don't think that's a dog. It's like some kind of rodent.

Or a muskrat or pig.

Well, how the hell did it get in here?

Doesn't look too healthy, does it?

Well, it's frightened.

Look. He can barely breathe, he's so scared.

Come on, cutie pie. Uh-huh. Don't be afraid.

Come on. That's a good boy.

[ Growls ] [ Screaming ]

Yes, yes. 911? [ Grunts ]

What the hell is that thing?

[ Air Hissing ]

Thanks. Um,

pick me up in an hour.

No, two. Oh, like an hour and a half will be good.

Thanks.

Hi. Do you have any messages for me?

Two single beds, please. We're fighting.

Ira, come on. I'm tired. I've had, like, two hours of sleep.

I gotta go take a shower. They're spreading.

You're talking about the golf course? We're all over it.

Woodman sent a team out there two hours ago.

Well, it's too bad you missed the five-foot amphibian that's lying dead in my lab.

They're adapting. We got to shut it down.

No, you're overreacting. We can handle this.

I used to be arrogant like you.

We're both aware of what that led to.

Take me seriously, Allison.

I do take you seriously.

Then you got to talk to Woodman because he won't listen to me.

We got to kill these things while we still can.

All right. I'll discuss it with him, but I can't promise you anything.

Thank you. Okay.

Oh, just one more thing. Yeah.

Do you think you could ever be attracted to me?

Bye, Ira. Just food for thought.

Yeah. She's mine.

[ Harry ] I've been an adjunct professor for going on four years now,

but I'm hoping this whole alien brouhaha...

will net me an honorary doctorate somewhere.

You gonna finish that bacon?

Yeah, I'm gonna finish it. I ordered it, didn't I?

So, um, about the coaching-- girls volleyball?

Mm-hmm.

Do you ever get to see them take showers?

Yeah. All the time. Sometimes I shower with them.

You're kidding me, right? Hey.

So? She's gonna talk to Woodman.

Ah. Thank goodness. Coffee? Thank you.

Mm. I'm okay.

So level with me, fellas.

Is there some sort of alien... attack happening here?

We don't know.

Excuse me. Can I borrow your cream?

Hi, Denise. Hello, Ira.

Still setting the world on fire? Ow.

That's Ira's ex over there sitting with the cop.

What's with the police escort? You're not under arrest? I don't see any handcuffs.

[ Laughs ] That's funny. This is my friend, Sam.

He's about to make detective. I know Sam. We go way back.

Hey, congratulations, Sam.

Maybe you can look into what happened to my missing shirts.

Did I tell you about that? She walked out with, like, two or three of my shirts.

I mean, is it-- I'm not up on the law, you know, like law enforcement,

but is it against the law when you walk out of somebody's house...

with what they own? You want your shirt?

Seriously, take it. No, no, no. Oh, come on.

You must be cold, right? Are you cold? Is that it?

Why should I get to wear the shirt when it's your shirt?

It's amazing how many women just-- They open their shirt to him.

I'm sure he'll let you borrow the shirt for just today.

Isn't that right, Professor? Uh--

[ Dispatcher ] We have a code 1272 over in Valley Vista.

1272? That's an animal attack.

1099 responding. Got to go, babe.

Now? They're calling.

Wait. Be careful out there.

Oh, you'll take care of the check, right?

Yeah.

Hey, I want those shirts back, Denise.

Hey, you got to admit,

this animal attack has kind of an ominous feel to it, doesn't it?

Check it out? Check it out.

All right!

All right, looks like we're under the microscope here,

so let's be very systematic and subtle in what we do.

No cowboy stuff, okay? No problem.

Professionals. Officer Johnson.

All right, fellas, what are you doing here?

We heard about the animal attack. And part of our job...

at the college and state health department is to ascertain if there's any health risk here.

Okay, you know what? No. Not this time. Forget about it.

You didn't touch it with your bare hands? That would be a serious no-no.

You did? He touched it. He shouldn't have touched it.

What do we do? I don't know. He shouldn't have touched it.

Okay, why don't you guys come on in and take a look?

I'll be checking things out around here in this vicinity.

Ooh! Ooh.

This dog is all ass.

Ira, look at this, man.

He would've come from in here, right?

It's just used for storage and access under the house.

Looks like he crawled right through the dirt right there.

Hey, guys. [ Clears Throat ]

I was, uh, conducting a parameter check,

and, uh, there's something you better see.

If you guys liked that thing, you're gonna love this.

What is it?

What is it?

Oh! Oh!

Great googa-mooga! What did I tell you?

[ Grunting ]

[ Ira ] See, they're crawling out.

They're trying to breathe in our atmosphere.

Fortunately, they haven't been able to adapt yet.

Hey, Ira. Yeah?

I think I know how these things got here.

How?

Well, this entire area is just a honeycomb of caves and old mine shafts.

If memory serves, the Moenave cave system...

starts just a few miles from here.

It's west of the golf course. Runs into the foothills,

continues down to the Kaibab Plateau and goes right into Lake Powell.

Our cave...

is smack dab in the middle of the system.

It's all connected.

Could you repeat that? I'm impressed.

Hey, beneath this calm, sexy exterior beats the heart of a true scientist.

Whoa, guys. That one's moving.

What the hell is it doing?

[ Grunting ]

I think it's trying to breathe.

Oh! That's like a big loogie.

[ Groaning ]

Mazel tov. It's a boy.

It's oxygen tolerant.

It's flying away. Is that a bad thing?

Only if you're a human being.

[ Man ] You know how much I hate shopping.

We need to find you something nice for Thanksgiving. I've got enough clothes.

Tony, I think that color's great on you.

[ Shrieking ] Whoa!

[ Screaming ]

[ Horn Honking ]

I think this might be the place.

You ever used one of these before?

Just 'cause I'm a schoolteacher don't make me a pussy.

Hey, ladies, there's a flying extraterrestrial in the store. Can we focus?

** [ Girl Singing ]

[ Banging ] * Won't you get me On the highway *

I'm in here. Just a minute.

** [ Continues ] [ Banging ]

Just a second, please.

[ Banging Continues ] I said just a second!

Bitch!

[ Banging Continues ] How would you like me...

to scratch the eyes out of your skull?

[ Sniffing ]

Here, birdie, birdie, birdie, birdie, birdie, birdie!

Birdie!

Ca-ca-ca-ca- ca-ca-ca-caw!

Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

[ Quietly ] Ca-caw.

All right.

If I was a giant, nasty alien bird in a department store,

where would I be?

Lingerie. Not you. The bird.

Lingerie.

Help!

You go low. I'm going high. Got it.

We're never gonna find this damn thing.

I lost him! How do you lose a 20-foot bird in a mall?

[ Harry ] Ira, I don't know.

So what do we do now?

Ca-caw.

Ca-caw. Ca-caw.

Tookie-tookie! Ca-caw! Ca-caw! Ca-ca-caw! Wayne.

I think we've established...

that "ca-caw, ca-caw" and "tookie-tookie" don't work.

Right. Sorry.

All right, so what do you say, Ira? Pack it in?

[ Wayne ] * You are *

* So beautiful *

* To me *

Step back, Harry. I'm gonna shoot him.

No. Stand down. I'm gonna kill this one myself.

Give me a chance. I'm communicating here.

* You are so beautiful *

* To me * Wayne, would you please stop?

Because you're embarrassing me.

* Can't you see *

* You're every-- *

[ Shrieking ]

* You're everything That I hope for *

[ Shrieking, Growling ]

It's working. Yeah. Sing. Sing. Rub some funk on it.

* And you're Everything I need *

[ Shrieking ]

* You are so beautiful *

Here he comes. Grab the girl. I'm gonna get the bird. Got it.

* You are so beautiful *

* To me *

* To me **

[ Shrieking ] Yeah!

[ Girl ] Oh, my God! [ Scattered Applause ]

All right! Nice shot!

I am so sorry. I promise.

I swear to God I will never shoplift again.

Good.

So what do you want, light meat or dark?

You have to ask? [ Growling ]

It's dead now. Yep.

* Hey, do it, y'all *

* Hey, hey *

* Once I was A boogie singer *

* Got to start To feeling so low *

* And I decided quickly Yes, I did *

* To disco down And check out the show *

* Yeah, they were dancin' And singin' *

* And movin' To the groovin' *

* And just when it hit me *

* Somebody turned around And shouted *

* Play that funky music, White boy *

* Play that Funky music right **

I'm standing at the edge of the Valley Vista housing community...

where just below me there are dozens of giant odd-looking dead creatures.

Now, we should stress to our viewers...

that to this point, we have received no official word--

All that I saw was this ugly tentacle thing come out of the ground...

and tried to grab my private parts.

I batted it away. It got my hand.

[ Woman ] ...of anxiety and confusion in the greater Glen Canyon area.

And so we stand outside the state capitol building,

awaiting any comment from the governor's office...

concerning the nature and origin of these extraordinary creatures.

Governor Lewis, this way.

Can somebody here tell me why I was not informed...

that we have goddamn aliens crawling all over my beloved state?

Right now I've got 400 meat-picking media vultures camped outside my office.

They know more about this thing than I do.

Now, I ought to throw the whole goddamn, jacked-up bunch of you in prison.

Not that cushy federal place with the loose jumpsuits.

State prison with the crotch binders.

I'm terribly sorry, Governor,

but there were some earlier security breaches made by Dr. Kane and his team.

Wait a minute. Excuse me. We thought it best to keep the lid on the situation...

in the interest of national security. That is not exactly true.

I believe the governor's question was directed at me, Dr. Reed.

Okay, put a plug in it. I'm not interested in your bureaucratic crapola.

What I really wanna know is how bad this thing is.

It's bad, Governor.

Now, according to the new ground sensors and the satellite thermal scans,

they indicate a potential problem.

I don't know how to read all this. What kind of a problem?

Now, somebody, please take this ugly bag of snakes and lay 'em out straight for me.

Now, please, allow me. And you are?

Dr. Allison Reed. How do you do? Carla, would you mind?

Okay, the red markings in these projections...

indicate the growth of the alien ecosystem.

Unless we do something immediately,

we will lose Glen Canyon in three days.

Great merciful Christ.

[ Reed ] In a week, the rest of Arizona.

Then the entire southwest.

In two months, the United States officially belongs to them.

And we are extinct.

You got to be shitting me.

Come on. Admit it. You're glad to see us. Huh?

I, for one, am glad to see you. Call the M.P.'s. Have these men arrested.

Hey, we just blew a giant alien bird out of a department store.

We're covering up your mess.

Governor, Dr. Ira Kane. I'm the chairman...

of the science department at the Glen Canyon Community College.

This is my associate. Harry Phineas Block, adjunct professor of geology.

Voted for you. Wayne Grey.

I took some chemistry in high school.

Now, you two gentlemen are the original discoverers of the phenomena.

Yes, sir. That's correct.

Yes, they are, and they're also responsible for the mess we're in right now.

What? Here we go.

They broke into the contained area and breached our safety procedures.

Unwittingly causing the dissemination of alien organisms outside the secured area.

Liar, liar, pants on fire! Criminal charges are in order here!

This is bullshit! Shut up, all of you! Listen.

My state out there is being overrun by vicious aliens.

Now, you're all supposed to be the experts.

I wanna know right now and I wanna know it quick.

How the hell are you supposed to deal with this?

This is an outline of the infected area as of this afternoon.

Now, Governor, my plan is to evacuate everyone...

from within five miles of the perimeter.

Evacuation? You're talking about 10,000 people.

Yes, sir. We evacuate, make it safe...

and then we burn the alien menace right the hell out of there.

With what?

With napalm. Lots and lots of napalm.

Napalm? Why don't you just nuke 'em while you're at it?

What about nukes?

Pull your horns in there, boys. Nobody's dropping an H-bomb on my state.

All this talk about napalm and burning things makes me very damn nervous.

Well, it should. We have no idea how they'd react to such an attack on a cellular level.

Governor, it is time for a military solution. This will work.

What? Sorry to interrupt. You better take a look at this.

What?

Clear out.

Right away, sir. What?

What, you called me out for this?

Sir, one of the creatures just destroyed video four.

What's going on down there?

[ Ira ] My God. They've evolved into primates.

Oh! Now, that's a face for radio.

Whoa!

They just took out six and seven.

All the monitors are down. Well, that can't be good.

[ Motor Whirring ] That's the elevator.

We have no personnel down there.

They breached the air lock.

What, the fuzzy no-nose chimp? Call for backup.

[ Bell Ringing ]

[ All Shouting ]

[ Ira ] They're coming through the elevator!

Cover the elevator! Just stay back behind me! Stay back behind me!

Get the hell off me! I wanna see this thing!

Be prepared to fire.

It's empty, sir.

[ Electricity Arcing ]

[ Roaring ]

The governor! The governor! Don't shoot!

Help me!

[ Groaning ] [ Roars ]

Somebody do something! Hold your fire. Hold your fire.

You're gonna get somebody killed.

[ Panting ]

Nice shot. I'll take that now.

General, you have my full support...

to do whatever you need to do, however much firepower it takes.

You can melt the whole place down to beaded glass...

if that's what it takes.

Just get these hell-blown creazoids out of my state. Thank you, Governor.

I'll be ready to go by noon tomorrow. Good, sir.

Where have you two been? I was just getting out of the way.

Get me out of here!

Science project's over.

I want you and your people gone.

Soldier, escort these men out. Yes, sir.

Don't you have work to do?

You are such an asshole.

You know, when a woman expresses anger, it's often because--

Shut up, Flemming. Shut up.

Okay, okay. I know where the car is.

Wipe my ass too?

Hey, guys!

Got room for one more?

Hell, yeah.

Who wants to be deputy director of the C.D.C. anyway?

The real money's in the private sector.

Are you sure about this? Oh, yeah.

Uh, listen. It may not seem like much now,

but I managed to get your research files and your original samples.

So, if we survive this, you guys will get the credit.

Thank you. No. Thank-- No, it's nothing.

Let me get it. No. I got it.

All right.

[ Allison ] Ooh!

Sorry. Excuse me. We haven't been formally introduced yet.

I'm Wayne Grey. Oh, hey, I'm kind of with him.

Oh. That's cool.

Buckle up, Allison. We're rolling. Okay. Oh, my goodness!

[ Horns Honking ]

[ Man Over P.A. ] Facilities are being provided for you and your family.

Please move in an orderly fashion.

They're gonna blow up the whole town.

Hey! Hold it! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Where the hell you going?

* Get up, get up, get up Drop the bombshell *

* Get up, get up This is out of control *

* Get up, get up, get up Drop the bombshell *

* Get up, get up *

[ Man Over P.A. ] Attention. We need to clear this area, people.

For your own safety, evacuate immediately.

[ Man Speaking, Indistinct ]

Hey, Professor Kane!

Arizona, it's going down, baby! Whoo!

This may not be the best time for you boys to be drinking.

* This is out of control *

* Get up, get up, get up Drop the bombshell *

* Get up, get up **

I was your first.

Remember, we discovered you in that cave. You were scared and alone.

It was just you, me and Harry in the beginning.

Those were good times, huh?

So why don't you level with me now?

You can trust me. Just talk to me.

Just tell me the secret. Tell me the answer.

Tell me how to kill you.

You are losing it, pal.

What is that stuff anyway?

Some of the original liquid material from inside the meteor.

Why hasn't it evolved like the rest? I don't know.

Uh, maybe because it was refrigerated.

It was locked in an airtight case. It didn't have anything to metabolize with.

But regardless, that doesn't give us any kind of clue as to--

When did you start smoking? Not much of a point to clean living anymore.

Whoo! Ooh!

Whoa.

Those things react to fire like it was Miracle-Gro.

Fire.

The organisms were dormant in space.

Then they collided with the earth's atmosphere and bam!

Heat. Fire. That's the catalyst.

So if a little, teeny match catalyzes this stuff like this,

what's a ton of napalm gonna do?

So much for the military option.

You better call that dick general.

[ Flemming ] That's a lot of napalm.

[ Woodman ] Yes, it is.

We're going to blow those damn creatures straight to hell.

We'll flush them out along the mine shafts...

and then mop up the edges as they run trying to escape the flames.

Excuse me, General. There's an urgent call from Dr. Reed.

She says she has important information about the mission.

Oh, really? Well, unfortunately, I'm not available.

Anything more?

No, sir.

He blew me off. Can you believe it?

That bastard wouldn't even take my call.

You did call him an asshole.

Hey, Dr. K.

We got beer. Time to party.

Well, I'll take one of those. Me too. I just quit smoking.

What are you boys doing here? Thought you could use a brewski to mellow out.

Kick back and chill. [ Danny ] Yeah.

Have a beer, relax. It's gonna help you with your research.

[ Danny ] Yeah, help you with your research.

Whoa. Look at that thing.

Whoa. Hey, can we have that when you guys are done with it?

Fellas, thank you for your help and for the beers, but, really, we're working here.

Hold it. Hold it.

Look at that. What are you doing?

Selenium. It could be the answer.

I'm looking at the periodic table on your T-shirt here...

and I'm seeing this pattern emerge.

Take off your shirt. I'll show you. [ Both ] Yes!

No, I don't think so. All right, look.

We are a carbon-based life-form. Keep pulling, Dr. K.

We move down here and you found our poison, arsenic.

But the aliens are nitrogen-based, right?

You make the same move, down and over,

and where do you find yourself?

Selenium. [ Ira ] Selenium.

It could be as lethal to them as arsenic is to us.

And with their metabolic rates, it'll kill them fast.

Okay. Selenium. How much do we need?

Five hundred gallons could do it-- should do it.

Five hundred gallons? [ Ira ] Yeah.

Um, I hate to be a buzzkill,

but where are we gonna get that at 2:00 in the morning?

No problem.

Yeah, we can get that.

Head & Shoulders. The dandruff shampoo?

Yeah, that's the stuff. The active ingredient is selenium sulfide.

Oh.

How do you know that? You don't know anything.

Haven't you noticed how shiny and flake-free our hair is?

Okay, this is the best idea we got.

Let's give it a shot. Come on. Let's do it. Yeah.

Yeah. We'll get the troops together. We're getting shampoo!

I've got the perfect vehicle. Good.

Donalds, you just got your A's.

Yes! Yeah!

Almost full.

There's something I feel I should tell you, but I don't know exactly how.

Well, just say it. We're adults.

And we're all about to die a very horrible death soon anyway, so--

I would have rocked your world.

You already have. [ Wayne ] We're all full!

Battle stations! [ All Cheering ]

Can we continue this discussion later? Yes.

Let's do this!

Let's shampoo us some aliens!

[ Man ] Left, right, left!

Lots of soldiers around.

Left, two, three, four!

Left, two, three, four! Left, left!

There's an old abandoned silver mine about half a click south of here.

We can sneak into the cave through there.

[ Ira ] "Half a click"? What are you, in Vietnam?

Hey, I'm digging this. Work with me, baby. Work with me.

It's over here! It's right here!

Are you okay? I'm good. I'm good.

Let's go. Let's do this.

You sure this leads to the main cavern?

It'll definitely lead us somewhere. Geology's not an exact science.

[ Harry ] Where are you?

Where are you, my little aliens?

Show yourself.

Warm to the touch.

Ohh. Highly acidic.

Harry, we do not have time for you to act like you know what you're doing.

Hey, what happened to the respect?

Woodman's going at noon. We gotta hurry.

Very good. Are the troops in place?

Ahead of schedule. Excellent. We can go early.

Oh, no. What is he doing here?

Governor Lewis. I don't see anything burning.

Where are all the explosions? We're just getting underway.

I didn't know you were coming to see the show, sir.

Well, you damn well better make it a good one, Sergeant. That's General.

Not if you screw this up. Keeping my chair warm for me, are you?

Thank you.

I'll take a pair of spy glasses and a hot chocolate.

Give me your hose, Wayne. Get up top.

When I give you the signal, start pumping the selenium.

Got it.

[ Ira ] Okay, we're gonna spray all around the meteor...

then get the hell out of here as fast as we can.

[ Growling ]

Oh, oh. Blue monkey. Blue monkey!

Wayne, charge the line now!

Whoa! [ Gasps ]

[ Roars ]

That's the napalm. Oh! Woodman went early.

[ Explosion ] Ohh!

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad!

Wayne, come on!

Okay, I'm out!

[ Screaming ] We got to go!

Go! Go! Faster! Get up there!

Run! Run for your life! Go! Go! Go!

Quite the bonfire we got going there, General Woodman.

Should've brought some wieners. That can be arranged, Governor.

First reports from the field are excellent, sir. Very good.

Keep it together, Wayne. Keep it together.

Oh, my God. What is it?

[ All Yelling ]

[ Roaring ]

What's happening?

It's coming! It's coming! What's coming?

Get the hell out of here!

Great flaming whore balls!

General, look. Ohh!

Hurry! Drive!

Go! Go! All right!

[ Shrieking ]

Oh, my God! [ Yelling ]

Oh, my God.

[ All Shouting ]

Fall back. Fall back!

[ Wayne ] What the hell is that thing?

The napalm forced an evolutionary response,

just like the match in the petri dish.

That's evolution?

Survival of the fittest. Often the simplest organism is the strongest.

Um, guys? It's freaking out.

[ Deke ] It's starting to have some sort of spaz attack.

Oh, no. That's not spazzing out.

It's getting ready to divide.

Mitosis.

Wait. There's gonna be more of these things?

Yeah. A lot more. Its cycle is starting all over again.

It's gonna go on growing and doubling until it takes over.

Yeah. But we were here first.

So that Head & Shoulders idea-- Is that still the plan or what?

I'm driving.

I don't care if he's on Air Force One.

They've got phones on there. I've see them.

I don't think this is gonna wait an hour.

Hey, what's that fire truck doing out there?

Ooh-whoo-hoo!

Mama.

Can you believe this?

We got to find a point of attack.

[ Groaning ]

There!

Ooh! [ Creature Farts ]

Ohh! Nasty!

Allison, stop, stop, stop. Right here. Right here.

Here we go. Get the ladder up!

Feed me the hose, Deke. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

I'm going up top.

Not before me. I got a major score to settle.

Go! Go! Go!

We don't have much time, guys!

Hurry!

Left! Left!

All right, I got it. I haven't had too much practice with this thing.

Whoo-whoo!

Stop! Stop!

What's going on? I don't know. But that damn thing's getting bigger.

What the hell are those guys doing with that ladder?

Looks like they're getting ready to administer a jumbo enema.

We got one shot. Let's do this.

It's payback time!

Whew! Whew! Keep it in there!

What's it look like I'm doing?

It's working!

Shit! Whoa!

What the hell? [ Harry ] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Give me back my friend, you big sphincter!

She's gonna blow!

Will you stop kicking? It's horrible in here!

I gotcha! Help me, please!

I got you! Hold me! Don't let me go!

We gotta get out of here! This thing's gonna blow!

You cannot imagine what I've seen in there!

Hurry up, guys! Come on!

Ira, don't you ever tell anyone where I've been!

Dear Lord.

Uh-oh. Time to go. [ All Yelling ]

Go! Go!

Go!

Whoa! We did it!

Yeah! Yeah!

Here we go, sir. Just relax and we'll have you just as good as new.

[ Yelling ] [ Lewis ] I am happy to report...

that absolutely all remaining traces of the alien menace have now been eradicated...

using the selenium shampoo formula developed right here.

Now, let me introduce our civilian scientist heroes and their team,

the best that the great state of Arizona has been privileged to produce.

[ Applause, Cheers ]

So this is your moment.

You wouldn't wanna miss this for anything, huh?

[ Lewis ] Firstly, I would like you all to meet Wayne Grey.

[ Applause ] As of today, fully credentialed firefighter.

I spoke to the chief.

Ah, thanks, Governor.

Now our next hero, Professor Harry Block, noted geologist...

and the winningest coach in North Arizona women's volleyball.

I appreciate that, Governor. Very kind.

First of all, let's give it up to God. With Him, all things are possible.

[ Woman ] Amen! Basically, we just played tough defense.

Took it one alien at a time, and we were able to come away with the big "W."

Thank you. [ Applause ]

[ Woman ] You're a hero!

And finally, Drs. Ira Kane and Allison Reed,

whose tireless efforts, research and academic findings led to the--

I think he's giving her a bit of the Kane Madness.

Wow. Fighting the alien menace can be tough work.

And so is keeping your hair clean, shiny and dandruff-free.

So it's a good thing that we always keep a healthy supply of...

[ All ] Head & Shoulders around the house.

* Please let me comfort you *

* It's the end of the world Right now *

* Please let me kiss Your lips *

* It's the last Living on earth *

* Would you love me *

* If it were the end Of the world right now *

* Let's pretend it is *

* The last living On earth right now **

** [ Woman Vocalizing ]

* Love doesn't think *

* Love doesn't look *

* Love takes a flying leap Off the bridge *

* Love swallows the hurt *

* Love doesn't sleep *

* Love is out of control *

* Love is only human *

* It can swallow you whole *

* Anyway The main thing is *

* We groove in a dream *

* We groove in a dream *

* Love doesn't think *

* Love doesn't look **

* I've thought about it Time away *

* And it's taking a toll *

* It's hard to break away From lovin' *

* When it feels so good *

* We're always Laughing and singing *

* And groovin' and lovin' And reachin' for more *

* I cannot sleep on it tonight But tomorrow will bring more *

* And it always lets you down Come on now *

* So don't play around *

* On the borderline *

* The time is right *

* Are you satisfied *

* Are you satisfied *

* All right **