Original subtitles

( music )

( birds chirping )

NARRATOR: Once upon a time,

there was a wonderful lamp,

a magic lamp of great powers.

In the seventh year of the reign of Hamoud, caliph of Bagdad,

there occurred the most disastrous event.

My magic lamp has been stolen.

It must be found.

Go to the ends of the earth if you must,

but do not return until you bring the lamp with you.

Aladdin's lamp must be found.

( music )

NARRATOR: The magic lamp was not found in the caliph's lifetime.

But because his word was the most sacred law of the land,

his retainers and their sons

for generations without number,

kept up the weary quest.

They came at length to the new world

and as the years passed,

the search led to the city called by some...

Bagdad on the Hudson.

( music )

Chief, look what I got Louie for his birthday.

Where did you get that broken-down old teapot?

Down at the hawk shop. And it only cost me two bits.

Two bits? How many pounds of tea did they give you with it?

Oh. Throwing our money around like that.

You ought to have your head examined.

What aren't you getting excited about?

It'll look much better when it's polished up.

What? The teapot or your head?

You'll be surprised.

Got a rag?

Hold it a minute.

Hello, boys.

What's--what's going on here?

We're giving you a surprise party.

Big mouth, you spoiled everything.

Well you didn't tell me it was a secret.

A surprise party for me?

Yeah, Louis. Congratulations on your 39th birthday.

Thirty-ninth birthday.

Well, Mr. Dumbrowsky.

We're glad to have caught you in.

Get the cheese, Louie, the rats are back.

Very funny.

I thought it was clever.

Nobody cares what you think.

Hey, we bring you a message from the boss.

He wants to know, "How about it?"

And we bring a message for the boss.

"Nothing about it."

For the last time, I am not selling my lease.

Attaboy, Louie. Stick by your guns,

even if they are empty.

Look, Louie may be small, but he's substantial.

And he absolutely refuses to be intimated.

Look, chum, the boss gave you a very generous offer.

Why don't you take it, Louie? Shut up.

Just a little word of friendly advice, take it.

Just a little word of unfriendly advice,

get going. Yeah, get going.

Ah, get going right up to the counter, sir.

We got a special on chocolate sundaes and this time,

Louie put chocolate in them.

Gee, you're hysterical.

This is final?

Final. Yeah, final

P-H-Y-N-U-L.

Mr. Dumbrowsky, you're gonna be very, very sorry.

That guy had used those scissors to cut his throat,

we'd all have been better off.

( music )

Little man's gonna sing a different tune

when he finds out he's got no business.

Where are you going? In there.

Nuh-uh. This joint's closed.

Board of health. Beat it.

Better go around the back. See that no one sneaks in.

Right.

Sure wish I was big and strong

so I could tell the chief off.

I could also help Louie.

Beat-up old lamp, huh?

It'll look different when it's all shined up.

Boy, I'm sure getting tired of being pushed around.

Everything I do is wrong.

I'm in a rut, a rut.

More like I'm in a drainage ditch.

Sure wish something would happen.

( explosion )

Greetings!

I'm the slave of the lamp.

Command and I obey.

Oh, who are you?

Where--oh, where did you come from?

My dear chap, I'm a genie, the slave of the lamp.

Ask for anything.

I'm duty-bound to provide it.

Oh, what are you talking about? Ask for anything, genie-- genie.

Are you any relation to Jeannie with the light brown hair?

This is gonna be jolly.

No, sir, I am not kidding. Your wish is my command.

Gold,

diamonds,

dancing girls?

What do you wish for most right now?

How about six giant malteds?

Ahem, six giant malteds?

Is that too many? It's a little overdoing it, surely.

Well...

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Oh, boy! These taste good.

You make them better than Louie.

The wealth of the earth and the Seven Seas at his fingertips,

and he wishes for giant malts.

Incredible.

You say something, genie?

Yes, I said you're-- you're incredible.

Thank you. Likewise, I'm sure.

Will that be all?

Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Don't go away, genie.

Now, let me see what I want. Oh, yeah. I know what I want.

I wanna be big and strong, and not afraid of anything

so I can take care of those guys that are pushing Louie around.

Genie, give me muscles,

big, fat muscles.

Right.

Bing.

Oop. What happened to my malt?

Genie? Genie? Genie, come back here with my malteds.

Genie, come back. Genie? Genie? Genie? Genie?

( music )

Get a load of those muscles.

What'll they think of next?

There's enough muscles here for everybody.

Oh, I'll demolish the world.

Sach Samson.

Enemies of Louie, get outta town.

SACH: Oh, what's this?

Hmm, crowbar.

Slip Mahoney.

( grunting )

A human house wrecker.

Hey, fellas. Fellas, look at me.

Get a load of the muscles.

At last.

Get a load of the build.

How do you like the muscles? The genie gave them to me.

You rub the lamp, a genie appears,

you ask him for anything you want and he gives it to you.

So, I asked him for these muscles.

Want me to tear this phonebook in half? Give me that phonebook.

We may need it to call the nuthouse.

Wait a minute, buddy.

Who do you think you're talking to?

Don't you ever get out of line with me.

Not with these muscles.

That's a muscle?

Fellas, I lost my muscles.

It's mine.

Yours?

It's mine. It's mine.

Anybody see any muscles?

What is all this insane drizzle about muscles?

And a lamp and a genius?

Well, chief, I rubbed the lamp,

a genie appeared and...

( clattering )

There he is again. The genie's in the back.

All right, grab them. Get them both, quick.

All right, boy. Watch it they've got--

I can't stand the sight of blood, especially my own.

Yah!

Run out the front way. See if you can cut them off.

Chief, thanks for saving my lamp. Get away from me.

What do you want with this putrid piece of pewter?

Even those crooks with the towels on their heads threw it away.

But, chief, that's a magic lamp.

You rub it, the genie appears, pow.

He'll give anything you want.

Without sending any box tops, I presume.

But, chief, I'm telling you that's a magic lamp.

The days of the magic lamp went out with Skinderella

when a fairy godmother converts a pumpkin into a hot-rod

and gave her a couple of Shetland ponies to pull it with.

Now, if you could take this piece of junk back

and get your two bits for it, that would be real magic.

Chief, go ahead. Now, get out of here.

Rub it, go ahead. Go on, get out.

Rub it. Like I'll rub your head

until there's another hole in it.

Sach doesn't stop having those hallucinations,

I'm gonna wind up in a seminary.

( lamp clangs )

Well, then, anything you wish for,

you get right away, boom, like that.

Quickest service you ever saw.

Why, this crazy-looking character

will give you anything you want.

Anything. Can you imagine?

No, huh?

Psychiatrist, psychiat--

hey, Duke, I can't find it under S.

Oh,

are you sure somebody didn't kiss you with a blackjack?

Boss, listen. I've seen it with my own eyes.

He just rubbed this crummy-looking pot, and like that...

Come off it, Tiny.

You were with him. What's he been nipping?

Nothing.

Frankly, I'm completely baffled.

Hey, wait a minute.

Could this be a lamp you're talking about instead of a pot?

Yeah, I guess so.

So what? So what?

I was just reading about a magic lamp the other day in a book.

You were reading a book?

Yes, I was reading a book.

Wait a minute. I'll prove it to you.

Uh-hmm.

Ah, here it is. Listen to this.

"After she had decided to sell the lamp,

Aladdin's mother made ready to polish it

in the hope of increasing its value.

No sooner had she begun to rub the lamp,

then a hi-de-ous genie..." That's hideous.

Hideous. I knew it all the time.

"Hideous gen-i-i appeared before her

and said in a voice like thunder,

"What wouldst thou have?

I am ready to obey thee as thy slave.

For I am the slave of all who possess the lamp."

"I am hungry," said Aladdin,

"Bring me food." "At once they saw before them,

12 dishes filled with the most delicious food,

two loaves of bread, and two bottles of wine."

That was nice.

See? They got it.

It must be on the level, boss.

It's in the book.

That's what I'm telling you.

This gen-i-i works for anybody who's got the lamp.

Ah, you've flipped. But, boss...

Okay. Go get the pot and I'll prove it to you.

Now, you're talking.

Come on, Canarsie.

d

I am the slave of the lamp.

Command and I obey.

Oh, oh, but I assure you I'm not an apparition.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Yes, as soon as I regain my "liquidebrium".

Oh. Don't worry, Louie. All set.

Genie.

See, chief, I wasn't fibbing.

The genie, he's back. This is my pal, Genie.

Genie, this is my pal, Slip Mahoney.

Slip Mahoney, this is my pal, Genie. Genie,

this time I won't make a pig out of myself,

just make it five malteds.

You're wasting your time, kid.

From now on, this monkey's taking orders from me.

Monkey? He's mine.

Come... Give me that.

2,000 years and they're still at it.

Genie, just don't sit there.

Do something. I paid a quarter for you.

Yeah, but I serve, whoever holds the lamp,

no matter how he gets it.

Did you hear what he said? And I'm holding the lamp.

And I'm holding it, too.

You ain't gonna be holding it long because I'm gonna bust you

right on that peeled banana that you call a nose.

Genie, help me, help me, help...

Ah!

( crash )

Throwing things behind my back, huh?

Chief, chief, don't get excited.

Sit down and think this thing over.

Chief, chief, genie, genie.

Make him sit down.

Ah!

Hey, I'm stuck. I can't get up.

I'm slipping. I forgot to put nails in the seat.

I...

-- say, uh,

buddy old boy,

would you come a little closer?

I'd like to have a heart to heart talk with you.

Didn't I always give you a fair shake? No.

Oh, didn't I always share everything I had with you? No.

Well, didn't you always share everything you had with me? Yes.

Well, then. Buddy old boy,

why are you being so lascivious and greedy about this thing?

My old buddy, he's gonna go out in the world

and get stinking rich and he's gonna

let me sit here poverty-stricken.

Oh, slush.

It's one of those things, I guess.

Nobody likes you when you get old and fat.

Don't cry, chief.

We'll share the lamp together.

We will? Yeah.

Shake hands, partner.

Partners.

Partners?

Vacuum-head and Mr. Loud Speaker.

Now, uh, first of all, get me up out of this chair.

Get him out of the chair.

Ah.

Ah. That's better.

Thanks.

Now, mousy, get over here,

we're ready for general order number one,

and I quote, "No matter who has this lamp,

henceforth and from now on,

you are to take orders from no one but us two,

jointly and together." Get it?

You mean to say I'm to take orders from both of you?

That is perversely the vernacular of this situation.

In 2,000 years, I never had to take orders

from more than one master at a time.

Well, consider this your lucky day then, because now you got two.

This is highly irregular. I have to get a ruling.

You'll get the rulings on your own time, bub,

from now on you're working for Mahoney and Jones, Incorporated.

Yeah, Jones and Mahoney, Incorporated.

Shut up. You're wasting time. We got a lot of wishing to do.

Now, for the first order, give us a million dollars.

Oh, what does my other master say?

Oh, personally, I'm a little thirsty.

I'd rather have the malteds.

Ask for the million, you imbecilic idiot.

Imbecilic idiot?

What happened to the buddy-buddy routine?

That went out the window when I got your lamp.

Now, ask for the mil.

You traitor. Give him his million.

Uh, where do you want it?

Well, right over there on the table

so we won't have to bend over to count it.

Hmm, very well.

Ba!

One too many.

Hey, what is this junk anyway?

That junk is a million dollars in gold.

Well, now, I'll look pretty silly

walking around with a pocketful of those things.

Couldn't you replant it with some good old folding money?

Gold is better than folding money.

It's more stable, you know.

Look, stupid, I said I didn't want it that way.

You heard what the chief said.

Get that stuff out of here.

Very well. Ba!

Well, now, that's a beautiful example of "misinterpelation".

You simply told that blabbering genius

to get that pile of golden railroad ties out of here

and he disappears with them.

Maybe he went to lunch, Bagdad time.

Give me that lamp.

I'm gonna get him back here. And when I do,

I'm gonna give him an earful of fragrant colloquialisms.

Hold it. And we ain't fooling. Don't move a muscle.

Give me the lamp back. You'll never get away with this...

Shut up.

Chief, they got my lamp.

What do you mean your lamp? It's my lamp.

They got our lamp.

Oh, chief, I think the door's locked.

Now, that's a clever deduction.

Taxi.

Hey, boss, look, we got it. We're in.

Hey, that's it. Just like the picture in the book.

This thing looks strictly nothing.

Maybe it looks like nothing, but it sure acts like something.

Do not keep us in suspense, boss, go on, massage it.

Yeah, come on. Oh, for Pete's sake.

Here, let me.

( explosion )

Greetings, everyone.

I am the slave of the lamp.

You see, boss? What did I tell you?

It's--it's gotta be a gag.

Who--well, where did you come from?

Where do geniuses usually come from?

Wahoo, Nebraska. Who cares?

Say, uh, Genie boy.

I'd like a silver mink down to my shoes.

Can you give me a hot one in the fifth at Hialeah?

For myself, I was thinking of a cream-colored convertible

and a very cooperative blonde.

Look, I'll settle for the blonde.

Will you fill my desk drawers

with $10,000 bills unmarked?

( indistinct chatter )

Oh, oh, quiet, quiet, quiet, please.

You're going to hate me for this.

But I'm sorry, it's quite impossible for me to give you what you wish.

Well, what's the matter? Is it after hours?

I've seen you do it for the character in the sweet shop.

You said you were the slave of this lamp.

True, oh, true, but I'm so completely limited.

It's terribly embarrassing.

Embarrassing? How do you think I feel

after the build-up I gave the boss?

I knew it was a phony.

Oh, come on,

just one teensy-weensy little diamond for Velma.

Just to show you're on the level.

What do you say?

Oh, nothing would give me greater pleasure, my dear,

but my hands are tied.

The only man I ever met with that trouble,

he's got to be a Genie.

You gotta do it.

You are the slave of whomsoever holds the lamp.

It's in the book.

Yes, I know, but that's all changed now.

I'm sorry. I can't do a thing for you.

I got it.

The guy in the sweet shop.

He got to him.

Yeah.

Show him who gives the orders.

Work him over, boys.

Ow.

A little thing I've picked up from Samson, Delilah.

Boss, I was holding him in a grip of iron.

See if you get away from this one.

What happened? Where did he go?

Rub that lamp again and bring him back here.

The minute he shows, I'll plug him.

Put that thing away.

You can't plug a guy that ain't human.

We're stuck. But wait a minute, Duke,

the guy that gave him the orders.

He's human, ain't he?

Well, you might get an argument on it,

but anyway, we got the lamp.

You know, boss, if we snatch this guy...

You don't have to draw me no pictures. What's his name?

I don't know, but he's the one with the beezer.

Baby, you take it from there.

Okay.

The human ones I can handle.

Be seeing you.

How I ever got associated with you, I'll never know.

Here we were,

with a million dollars right in our laps

and you got to go and blow it.

I blew it? Certainly, you blew it.

So the gold bars was a little heavy.

Why didn't you tell him to take them away

and bring us the money in small bills?

A million in small bills.

Please, Slip, don't talk crazy like that.

Louie, we are not flipped, snapped, or cracked.

This whole thing adds up to the fair sum of the quotient.

What do you think those dark guys with the towels on their heads was after?

The lamp. And what do you think those other slugs was after?

The lamp.

If only we had it back, we'd never have

to do another day's work as long as we live.

Slip, you'll feel much better if you have something to eat.

Sach, get Slip a sandwich or coffee or something, please.

Oh, certainly, Louie. I'll make it for two.

I lost a half a million myself.

Step aside.

Make my coffee black.

Black coffee, naturally.

Whoever heard of white coffee?

Um, oh, chief, um, how about a piece of cake, doughnut, a sandwich?

Give me some of that banana cream slop.

Banana cream slop coming up.

Louie, will you please get out of my-- get out of my way, Louie.

You're fired.

Hey, Sach, give me one of those doughnuts. You stay out of it.

I happen to be serving the next millionaire. What's the matter with you?

You kidding?

Now, what will you have?

I said a doughnut.

With or without the hole?

Think I'll have something to eat myself.

What's the matter, chief?

I asked for coffee.

So, you give me a cup of paint

with turpentine in it?

SACH: Maybe it's better than the coffee.

So you wanna play games, huh? Wait...

Well, I'll play games with you.

Wait, chief.

Stand still until I get you in range.

Maybe it tastes better than the coffee.

You want me to help? Oh, no.

Now, look what you've done. If you hadn't ducked,

this never would have happened.

I wish I had a stepladder.

Say you're sorry you ducked, stupid.

I'm sorry I ducked, stupid, oh.

Well, goodness me, boys.

I guess it's nothing to make such a fuss about, really.

All right, Scram, eagle beak, can't you see the girl's enthralled with me?

Eagle beak?

Now, don't go away mad, honey child.

You know something I think your friend here

is just jealous because you're so handsome.

You won't get no argument out of me.

You know, your nose reminds me of Robert E. Lee.

The general? No, the steam boat.

Oh, thanks loads. Listen,

how would you like a banana split,

a soda, a piece of pie--

oh, you already got the pie.

You can have anything you want, on the house.

Oh, my, you are sweet.

I reckon I would like a little old Kentucky special.

Kentucky special? What's that?

Well, you see you simply take a triple scoop of ice cream.

You slap a little old mint julep over it

and then you garnish the whole thing with southern pecans.

Pecans? And just for you,

I'm gonna take the pecans out of the shells.

That way, it will taste better.

Anything you want, Southern Pecans, Kentucky Style.

Da-da-da-da-ta-da.

There's my little chickadee.

Ms. Cindy Lou Calhoun of Louisville,

if you don't mind.

A very proud family and very choosy about our friends.

Pretty formal for a girl.

Uh, you all kind of got lost in the swamp,

didn't you, sir?

And without a paddle, sir.

Listen, that's the first time any girl

ever preferred that slug over me,

especially a girl with all her normal facilities.

Well, I'd say her facilities are little better than normal.

Honey, as soon as I get through cleaning up here,

I'll make you a Kentucky special.

All right.

I've been looking for a nice boy like you.

I've been so lonesome.

You've been lonesome?

Why, sure, I'm a stranger here.

Well, I've been rattling around this city

just like a hominy grit in a pumpkin shell.

Well, honey child, your rattling days are over.

You and I are gonna settle down in a pumpkin shell built for two.

Oh, you're sweet. For being so sweet,

why don't you take me out tonight and show me the town?

Would you like that?

Like it? I'd adore it.

Absolutely inedible.

That beautiful Amazon falling for Sach at first sight

after she took a second sight of me.

I think I better investigate this little old boll weevil

in her cotton patch.

Hey, pardon me, Cindy Lou from Louisville,

I don't like to intercept your romantical infiltration

but Sach, that's him,

he ain't allowed to go no place without me.

I don't need no chaperone.

Oop, yes, I do.

I can't be trusted.

You do have a girlfriend, I hope.

Why, um, why, sure enough. I got a friend.

My little old cousin, she's cute.

Oh, your little old cousin, huh?

You don't happen to have a little young cousin laying around, do you?

Oh, well, that's just an expression. She's adorable.

Now, remember, I'm staying at the Windsor Towers, mwah.

Ooh, not so hard.

Remember, 8:30-ish, y'all.

Honey child, 8:30-ish it shall be.

And I won't be late-ish and I'll be right on time-ish.

Louie, shine up my sneakers.

I'm dancing tonight.

( humming )

Now, I know he's a little crazy-ish.

( music )

Didn't your mother ever tell you that haste is wasteful? Got a tip for the kid?

Yeah, tell him to get out of the elevator business and become a pilot.

You come back up, bring my stomach.

Certainly.

Hey, this is a nice place to live.

Where, in the hall?

Never mind the jokes. Which room is she in?

She? She forgot to tell me.

Cindy Lou, Cindy Lou.

Yes?

This is Cindy Lou?

Do you wish to see someone?

We certainly didn't come all the way up here just to see you.

Cindy Lou and her little old cousin.

And whom is calling?

Whom?

Watch it, buddy, your infinitive is dangling.

Just tell her, Jones and Mahoney.

I will see if Ms. Calhoun is in.

Stick around.

Gee, what a classy butler.

Classy? Looks like a guy

that should be announcing prisoners to the warden.

Jones and Mahoney are here, and the boss ain't back yet.

Oh, then I guess we'll have to entertain them until he does get back.

Let them in, Gus.

Okay.

Buckle your seatbelt, baby.

We may be in for a bumpy evening.

Yeah, could be.

Oh, Melody, are you all ready to meet up

with those nice young boys, honey child?

Oh, why, sure enough, honey child.

How about you all?

Not you all, y'all.

Y'all. Y'all.

I dig it, y'all.

That's right, honey, and remember,

this is for the most.

Your hat, sir? If it wasn't mine,

I wouldn't be wearing it.

Well, now that's what I call a gregarious greeting committee.

Evening, Mr. Jones, sugar pie.

Mr. Mahoney, I'd like you to meet up with my little old cousin, Ms. Culpepper.

I please to nullify your acquaintance.

Cindy Lou, he's just my type.

Debonair, sophisticated, amusing.

Mr. Mahoney, would you all care to step out on the terrace? It's a lovely night.

Well, now there's nothing I would deplore more, Sadey.

But you see, I can't even trust this guy alone much less with a girl.

What's the matter with you? Can't you see she wants to be alone with me?

You see? Come on, Mr. Mahoney.

But I--I--just watch your step, buddy.

Don't let the feminine gender engulf you.

I can't help feeling I'm making a mistake.

Oh.

Honey lamb, would you all mind terribly

if I ask you to stay with just little ol' me

instead of stepping out tonight?

What's there to do around here?

Oh, silly boy.

We could have refreshments, you know.

Refreshments? Sure.

The butler will bring you anything you want.

Anything?

Anything.

Gus!

If you lost your voice, it's in my ear.

Oh, lamb chop. While we're waiting,

I'm gonna teach you how to mambo.

You're gonna teach me, huh?

( mambo music )

Here, let me.

Ah, now that's my dish,

music from south of the boudoir.

How about tripping the light fanatic?

Oh, Mr. Mahoney, honey, it's so crowded in there.

Well, as a matter of fact it's getting a little crowded out here.

( music continues )

Oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, my poor little boll weevil. Are you all right?

Oh, certainly. I could dance this way all day long

then go to the hospital.

( music continues )

How do you like that? A restaurant on wheels.

Step aside, I'll take over.

I don't know if I can finish all these, but I'll try.

Help yourself, honey child.

Would you mind not looking over my shoulder?

I'm very superstitious when I eat.

You're a butler, aren't you?

Well, go ahead and butler.

( doorbell dings )

That's right, honey. Just help yourself.

I beg your pardon, miss. Your uncle has arrived.

He has? Oh, goodie.

Come on, honey child, I'm just dying for you to meet him.

Any uncle of yours is an uncle of mine.

Certainly.

Here we are, sugar pie.

This is my very dearest uncle. Mr. Dolan.

Uncle, this is Mr. Jones.

I've been looking forward to this all day.

Hi ya, unc--oops, oops.

What is this? What are you sore about it? I gave you half my eclair.

Oop.

Funny.

I-- I gotta go.

If I get any calls, just take messages.

Oh, who left that boulder on the road?

DOLAN: Gus, bring him here.

What else? I should have known. The butler's always the rat.

It's not that we crave the pleasure of your company, Mr. Jones.

It's on account of this little pot.

Hey, that's my lamp.

It was yours.

You did it, it's all your fault.

You lured me here, that's what you did,

with your Southern hospitality now.

Why, you're a disgrace to Old Kentucky.

Even New Kentucky.

Will you dig him, Duke?

He makes Gus here look like a genius.

Thanks, Velma.

GENIE: Well, well, what now?

My pal, Genie old boy!

Well, well, look who's here.

Where's the quiet man?

Oh, the chief? He's around.

Say, Genie, what happened to the poof?

You've given up smoking?

Ow, ow, Genie, he's hurting me. Make him stop.

You put my friend down. You keep out of this.

And you keep your face buttoned up or you'll really get hurt.

Now, tell him to fill that desk drawer with $10,000 bills.

You ain't big enough to make me do it.

Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, but he is, he is.

Genie, Genie, give it to him, give it to him, the money I mean.

and give him an extra ten dollars for bandages.

I'm sorry, but I'll have to remind you

of special order number one

as given by our modest friend, Mr. Mahoney.

And I quote, "Henceforth and from now on,

you will take orders from nobody but us two

jointly and together." Get it?

What? Both of them have to be on deck before you do your stuff?

That is perversely, the vernacular of the situation.

Oh, fine. What do we do now?

Don't worry, Duke, Mr. Mahoney is here.

He's out on the terrace with Claire.

Great.

Tiny, you and Gus get him. Right.

Well, call me when you're ready for business.

You stay right here.

Give me that lamp. I'll bring him back and I'll break him...

You won't lay a hand on my friend.

Oops, that must've been my voice out of the past.

Listen, Duke, why don't you wait until we need him?

You got the lamp.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brilliant.

Hey, where'd everybody go?

Well, I don't know. They must have gone out on the terrace.

On the terrace? How many terraces you got in this place?

We just came from the terrace. Hey, Sach. Sach?

hey, you lunatic.

Mahoney. Mahoney, we wanna talk to you.

Well, look what the East River washed up.

Hey, you eel, what did you do with my lamp?

And furthermore, what did you do with Sach?

Now, Mr. Mahoney, the boss will tell you that.

We'll take you right to him.

Oh, the boss wants to see me?

Why didn't you say so in the first place?

( grunts )

Why, you--I'll give you a-- ooh.

( screams )

Wait, wait. Oh, you...

( music )

Hey, Sach. Sach?

Sach, where are you, you idiot?

I gotta get out of here and get a phone.

( music )

Wrong way out.

Oops, watch the pig stickers, fellas,

I already shaved this morning.

Silence, where is the lamp?

That's a good question. Check with me later and I'll let you know.

Search him.

Watch it. If you think I got the lamp on me...

Oh, this is so high

they should have brought us up in a--in a "heliumcopter".

This is a penthouse, Louie.

Why do they have to have a penthouse on the top floor? Why, why...

Wait a minute, Louie, wait a minute.

Slip thought there was something fishy about this.

Do you realize what he said? If he didn't phone by 10:00,

we should come in and get him, right?

Right, but I wanna ask you one question.

What? Who's gonna come in and get us?

You look over there, Louie. Butch and I are gonna try the other way

and stop worrying, will you?

Worrying, who's worrying?

I'm not worrying.

Worrying, hmm, I'm scared.

Baby...

keep him covered.

We'll see what's keeping the boys.

Okay, Duke.

How about another dance? I'll hold your gun.

Shut up.

I liked you so much better with your Southern accent.

Well, then shut up, you all.

Well, if that's the way you feel about it,

hominy grits and black-eyed peas to you, you all.

What happened to you guys?

Where's Mahoney?

He disappeared. Disappeared?

Well, find him.

Oh, uh, Ms. Cindy-- oop. What?

Will you stop that skipping around, you make me nervous.

Make you nervous? You don't exactly make me calm,

waving that gun in front of me.

Is that what you call Southern hospitality?

If you don't shut up, I'm gonna give you a little Southern hospitalization.

Well, shut my mouth.

I will. You did.

Hello, chum.

Shh. Hi, Genie, did you come to get me outta here?

I only wish I could, my dear fellow,

but you made that impossible, I'm afraid.

I suppose that's why I feel so sorry for you.

You're so helpless.

Like a--like a bumbling puppy.

Shh, she's got a big gun and I'm a big target.

Ooh, aha, my favorite brand.

Go on, Genie, nip, nip, nip, don't mind me.

Oh, thank you very much. After all, I've lived

in a bottle for centuries. Won't you join me?

I'd love to, but I don't think we'd both fit in that bottle.

Oh, droll fellow.

That's a nip? It is a bit of a swig, isn't it?

Well, your health.

I won't be healthy if I stick around here.

No, quite.

Tell me, my dear fellow,

why don't you try the romantic approach?

Sweep her off her feet.

No broom.

No broom, oh.

I've been around for centuries and I've never yet seen

the woman who is indifferent to the tender phrase,

the deaf compliment, the, the burning ardor, do you get it?

I got it, but I don't know what to do with it.

Well, I suppose I shall have to show you how,

Casanova. Is that bad?

Genie? Genie? Where'd you go?

Stop flying around, come back here.

Genie, oh, Genie. Genie.

Genie, stop flying around. Genie? Genie...

Listen, who are you talking to? Oh, I...

I wasn't talking to anybody, I was talking to myself.

Oh, great, you're getting there fast, kid.

( gasps )

What's the big idea kissing me? I did not.

Oh, yes, you did, right on the neck.

I did? Uh, I, I, I mean, I did not.

Listen, you try that again. I just dare you.

( thud )

What is the big idea?

Listen, you do that again and I'll plug you.

I didn't do it. The Genie, the Genie.

He's a-- he's a flying kiss fogey.

The Genie?

Oh, my.

Now, I'm alone with a wolf I can't see.

You're not alone, I'm here.

I'm still alone.

Genie, now-- now don't you come near me, Genie.

Don't you get fresh with me.

One more trick like that and I'll plug you. So help me, I will...

( screams )

Genie.

Genie, please.

Please, Genie. Genie.

That's it, Genie old boy.

Get her, get her. Oh.

Genie, not so hard.

Well, I've been around for 2,000 years,

but there's life in the old boy yet.

Genie, let's not nip it up too much now.

When, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when.

Genie? Genie, come back with uncle's bottle.

There's a deposit on it.

Oh, he's gonna blame me and I get drunk on rye bread.

I'm telling you for the 33rd time,

I don't know nothing about the lamp.

Perhaps a little persuasion.

I don't think you guys know the laws in this state.

When it comes to murder, the cops don't like it.

( groans )

You're straining the ligaments in my arm.

Remember, Canarsie, no rough stuff.

We need them both alive or the lamp won't mean a thing.

Search the place. All right.

Did you hear?

They need both of them.

Aye.

Don't make a sound, my friend.

If that door opens, you are a dead man.

( metal clanging )

You lunkhead! What are you trying to do, wreck the place?

Pick up those things.

All right, boss, sure.

( clanging )

( grunting )

Believe me, boss, it was purely accidental.

Oh, you clumsy idiot.

Take it easy, boss. Everything's gonna be all right.

Come on outside and lay down for a minute.

( groaning ) Boss.

Are you always so clumsy? I'm sorry.

Get him out on the terrace, he's gotta have fresh air.

Here. I didn't mean it, boss.

Get back.

You stay in there. Don't lock me in here.

I don't even drink.

And now to find the other one.

( knocking on door )

SLIP: All right, you guys, let me out of here.

Open the door.

Where are you Slip? It's me, Louie.

Louie, Louie, I'm over here in the pantry.

In the pantry?

That's a funny place to have a party.

Louie, it's a tussle for the magic lamp, you understand?

Now, get something to smash this door in.

There goes that crazy lamp again.

Slip, I tell you I-- Slip, I found it.

I found the lamp.

You found it? Listen to me, Louie, just rub it

and get that genius to come here

and exonerate me from my incarceration.

That means to get me out of here.

Okay, Slip.

Are you the Genie from the-- from the-- from the lamp?

That I am, Master. Command and I obey.

You mean-- you mean, you'll give me everything

I--I wish for, it's on the level?

Yes, Master.

Close your eyes and make a wish.

You know, Genie, I...

( screaming )

Not now. We must get the other one quickly

before the little man spreads the alarm.

Come.

Oh, no.

Louie. Chuck.

Chuck, Chuck, they almost cut me up like a hot pastrami.

We're in a nest of murderers.

They got Slip locked up in the closet.

Locked up? Where's Sach?

Don't get so excited. Keep calm like me.

Don't do that.

Go find a filephone-- a telephone-- a telephone!

Get--call the cops. I'll stick around and help Slip, maybe.

Oh, come on, there must be a stairway around here somewhere.

( knocking on door )

Okay, Duke, I'm coming.

Oh, my God. He's here.

Stay where you are. What else?

So sorry, madame.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That knife tickles.

Why don't you use it where you need it the most?

Silence... or I'll cut your heart out.

If you do, you'll have to buy me a new suit.

Please, madame, the lamp, quickly.

I don't know where it is.

Oh, you certainly do.

Don't you remember? Your uncle put it in the desk.

Thanks a lot.

Sach: It was nothing.

Nobody in there.

Oh, how's the noodle, boss? Oh.

Lumps, huh?

You guys are gonna really have lumps if you don't find Mahoney.

Now, spread out.

Yes, sir.

( door closes )

They got Unc.

Oh.

( music )

Heaven be praised.

Together, we shall rule the world.

That's what you think.

Go ahead, call the Genie. Call him, I dare you.

He can't do nothing for you.

He takes orders from me and my buddy

and we both gotta be together.

You'll be together?

Yes, and soon.

Thank you, my friend.

And the top of the morning to you, sir.

Oop.

Where am I going, for a camel ride?

( music )

( screaming )

All right, Mahoney, no more tricks.

How can I do any tricks when this guy

has got a gun stuck in my sacred iliac?

Besides, we ran out of eclairs, remember?

Oh, I'd like to knock this guy out

and tell the boss it was an accident.

Oh, that wouldn't be honest.

( grunting )

Get going.

You talk like you got a mouth full of subpoena.

Subpoena! What do you think I am, a cop?

Speaking of cops, why don't we get down to the police station

and talk this thing over quietly?

Why don't you shut your mouth?

If I stop talking, I'll start thinking.

Then you'll really be in trouble.

Get in there.

Don't be so vehement. Boss!

What happened? Don't ask foolish questions,

get some water for him.

Water? He looks more like he could use some artificial perspiration.

I didn't say to drown him.

( chuckles )

Hey, hey, boss.

Boss, we're sitting pretty now.

We got the pair of them, back to back like aces.

We ain't got nothing.

A couple of guys slugged me and they grabbed Jones.

Yeah, they got the lamp too.

Why, those dirty crooks.

Get me up from here.

Yeah, yeah, sure, boss, come on.

Lock that monkey in there.

Monkey? A fat monkey.

For that remark, you'll be severely castigated.

( banging door )

If that thing is what I think it...

Go get the guys with the lamp.

Yeah, boss, we'll take care of it, yeah.

Okay, don't get excited.

My, you're strong.

Ten thousand devils,

the other one has disappeared. What? How could he?

Good ol' chief, he must have taken lessons from the Genie.

That's funny, huh?

Jackpot!

All right, don't get excited.

Pipe down, I'm wearing glasses.

Oh, he missed it. Ooh, ooh, go ahead.

Line them with footwork.

( grunting )

Hey, there.

Jolly good brawl, huh?

Genie, old pal, am I glad to see you.

You gotta do something for me. You gotta get me out of here.

These guys wanna kill me. I'm sorry, I can't do a thing for you.

Your own rules, you know. However,

I can make a suggestion. What?

It's an ancient Babylonian stratagem.

Scram.

( clang )

Get him. Get him.

Not them, stupid.

What a mind, what a mind. I amaze myself.

What an exhibition.

You're a disgrace to dear old Baghdad.

Go home.

Oh, why.

Uh-hmm.

Excellent vintage.

The fellow has marvelous taste for a cad.

Slip? Slip?

Oh, Slip?

Looking for someone? Yeah.

Who are you with the fancy schmancy clothes?

You're going maybe to a masquerade party?

Oh, I'm the slave of the lamp, little fella.

Oh, wait a minute, I'm not falling for that stuff again.

The last fella that told me that, he almost cut out my gizzards.

Oh, an imposter,

I am the real genuine genie.

Won't you join me in a little drink?

Make you forget your trouble.

Maybe I will. I like you, you know.

You remind me of a peddler I once knew

in the marketplace in Athens, oh, 800 years ago.

Oh, it couldn't have been me.

I was just a small child at the time.

Isn't this a small world? It is.

( groaning )

There you are, honey.

You'll be all right now.

It don't hurt no more, huh, boss?

Oh, it hurts plenty.

Go find those guys with the turbans

and get that lamp back.

And give them the same thing they gave me, on the head!

Okay, boss.

Honey.

( groaning )

Boy, I could have a ball in here if I was a moth.

A mothball.

Oh, Gus, the boss says to slug anybody

who's wearing a turban on his head.

Check. Right.

Well, they're not only lamp thieves,

but they do a little gambling on the side.

( rumbling sound)

How come they never forget to lock the door?

Boss.

Why does everybody have to hit me on the head?

Why?

Why?

You know, when someone finds the lamp

it's always interesting to see what he'll wish for first.

I knew an old Roman emperor who wished for all kinds

of rich food and he ate himself to death.

You know, maybe he should have wished

for some bicarbonate.

Bicarbonate. Yeah.

Say, Genie, you got a corkscrew around here?

Corkscrew?

Who needs a corkscrew?

That's one of the advantages of being a genie.

Yeah? Look.

That's pretty good.

I couldn't believe it.

Hey, Genie, remind me sometimes to show you some card tricks.

Is that goofy character up there?

You know, the one with the big schnoz.

I haven't seen him. Haven't you found him yet? No.

He must be around here someplace or out on the terrace.

Oh, I'm getting out of this madhouse.

Oh, my scarf.

Thank you.

( screams )

All right, you, now, give me that lamp.

Oh, honey.

Oh, baby, are you all right?

Speak to me, I'm sorry,

speak to me, are you all right?

Oh, watch out for the nose.

Oh.

Genie, Genie, Genie, where are you?

Oh, just when I need him the most,

he shows up the least.

I need to get my bearings.

Where am I, this must be the hallway.

I wish somebody had turn on the lights.

Genie?

Genie?

Genie, where are you?

Two armed bandits out there

and one armed bandits in here.

Looks like I'm surrounded.

Genie?

Genie, Genie, where are you?

Genie? Genie? Genie?

Well, guess we'll make a left turn.

Sach, watch it, don't move,

don't breathe, don't even answer me.

Here comes old Sach to the rescue.

What's the matter, chief? Stand still,

don't levitate, I'm--oh...

( screams )

Somebody move the ladder.

Wait for me, just wait for me.

Sach, what are you doing out here?

Nothing, just looking for the stairways.

Well, you better take that hat off so you can see

because that first step is a lulu.

Here. Let me help you.

Ow, watch out, hold it.

Gotta--gotta give me your coordination.

Watch out for the nose.

Just let me take your hat off.

Come on now, boss.

Get up.

Here.

( indistinct chatter )

Stupid jerk.

No, no.

Quit it, how do you expect me to see him?

Don't kill them. Just get them.

Just follow me, Sach. Don't worry about a thing.

What are those, bees?

Bees? Those are bullets, buddy.

Let's just get around that corner, we'll have it made.

Everything will be perfectly all right.

Okay, chief. ( screams )

What are you pushing for? I'm not pushing.

What's the big idea?

You made me miss him. Yeah, you dough head.

If you bump up those guys, who is gonna work the lamp?

Yeah, what are you doing?

Yeah.

Oh. Oh, not again.

The boss.

We got to get that hat off so you can see.

We may have to make a run for it back to get away.

Now, listen to me closely. Just pull in your head,

pull in your ears, and stick out your nose.

Ready?

Nose, that's a funny one.

Take a deep breath.

Just do what I tell...

( screams )

Oh, boy.

Fresh air,

there's nothing like fresh air.

Hey, chief, there's Venus and Mars.

Hello, Mars.

We're about to die, and he's studying gastronomy.

Oh, I've had enough of this outside air. I'm going inside.

( screams )

( screaming )

Oh, my God. Help!

Grab the other leg.

We'll be all right. Hook it up for the minute.

Oh, will you-- what are you doing down there? Get up here.

Who do you think is gonna shield me from those bullets?

Oh, this is what I call a serious dilemmania.

Chief, look, a guy just went through a red light.

Hey, you Sunday driver, that's dangerous.

Don't worry about it, Sach. A cop just got him.

What are you talking about driving in red lights

when we're up on a ledge, getting killed?

Oh, oh, chief, chief, call the genie.

How can we call the genie when we ain't got no lamp.

I got the lamp. Well, give it to me already.

Just a-- oh, hold on. I got it here somewhere.

Quit stalling.

You can certainly take your own sweet time about doing things.

Oh, loudmouth.

Hello, there.

Chief, chief, he's been nipping.

I'm afraid you're right. Look, fatso,

this is no time to be belting that jug.

Can't you see we're in a very omnivorous situation?

Yeah, this is a trifle high, isn't it?

Not as high as you are.

They're on the ledge.

For the love of Pete, why don't you knock them off?

But, Duke, we need them both

to make the genie work for us, don't you remember?

No, no,

if they're both dead, it stands to reason

the slave works for the guy that gets the lamp next.

Go ahead and shoot, shoot.

Now you're talking. Oh, boy.

( gunshots )

Look, hysterical hammie,

just get us out of here.

Yeah, take us home.

And that's an order.

Right.

Sach, what happened to you?

You look like the thief of Baghdad.

You don't look bad yourself.

Well, what happened?

Where are we?

Baghdad.

Baghdad?

We asked you to take us home.

We are home, my home.

Look, you animated Turkish towel,

we was referring to our home, not your home.

Now, I demand, return transportation.

And furthermore, I demand that after ...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, chief, not so hasty.

I wanna go home.

( indistinct chatter )

Slip: Well, it looks like summer vacation time at Vassar.

Girls, girls... How are ya, girls?

don't be excited to come up here...

( indistinct chatter )

Don't rub it too hard, my hair is getting a little thin.

Whoever heard of fat hair?

Gorgeous. Careful on that cuticle, cutie.

That's me under there. Listen,

when you get through with the fingers,

I want you to start on the toes.

How do you shine these things?

What are we doing, camping out?

You're supposed to peel those grapes, you know.

Well, Mr. Mahoney, are you still in a hurry

to get back to the Bowery?

Well, I'm telling you, genius,

I may be dissuaded to dilly-dally

with these dillies for a bit.

I'd invite you in, but of course,

you're getting a little old for this sort of thing.

Give me a year or two to think it over.

All right, girls, a little more action.

you're slowing down on me.

Come on. Let's get with it, what happened to the grapes?

( screaming )

Dogs, don't you know it's death to set foot in the harem?

What is this, the old badger game?

Hey, Sach, look at the Baghdad Cowboy.

Yeah, he's a pants that jingle, jangle, jangle.

Get out of here, Sam. Can't you see we're busy?

Guards. Guards?

I don't like that epitaph.

Sach, we better blow this joint. We'll take the dames with us.

Okay. I'll bring a small one for Louie.

Come on, girls, let's go.

What's the matter, you're afraid?

The genie.

You have found my magic lamp.

You stay where you are, Genie.

Yeah, but this is my rightful master.

Genie, come here. Don't do it.

I command. Do not obey him.

Yes, but he's got the lamp and you-- why you...

And I'm giving the orders.

Yeah, but-- well, I don't know whom to obey.

You have to work it out amongst yourselves.

Very well.

Then I'll cut you two into small pieces

and feed you to the vultures.

Wait a minute, sir.

Don't feed me to the vultures, I'm all bone.

Feed my buddy-buddy to the vultures,

he's got enough meat for the both of us.

Guards! Just a minute, mustache.

I got a very silly superstition about staying in one piece.

I think I'll make a little deal with you.

If you'll call off those two embalmers and let us out of here,

we'll give you back your old genius.

Right, Sach? Well, I'll have to think it over.

Think what? Right, right, right.

Agreed.

Send them back whence they came.

Oh.

Whence.

( screaming )

Sach...

Now, that's what I call a dirty trick.

I'm gonna get even with that genius one of these days.

Chief, either you get me up there or you come down here.

SLIP: I ain't gonna do none of the kind. Just get up here.

Get up on this ledge.

If you don't get me up, I won't be much older.

Up. Hey, boss they're back.

Oh, no.

( gunshots )

They're never gonna run out of ammunition.

What's the matter here?

King-sized banana split's melting away,

I'll have to call the doctor.

Come on, snap out of it. Laugh it up. What's wrong here?

We could've had the whole world

in all its inglorious wealth

right in the palms of our hot little hands.

What do we got to show for it? Nothing.

Well, at least the vultures didn't get us.

Ah, shut up. You booted the whole thing.

I booted? Listen, Slip, if it wasn't for me,

you'd be the main course at a vulture's dinner.

Genius. Genie, old boy,

old bean, how do you feel?

Boy, am I glad to see you.

We've got a few wishes we'd like to make.

Now, boys, boys, I came back because--well,

I know it sounds silly, but because I like you.

I even enjoy bickering with the shy and retiring, Mr. Mahoney.

Never mind the jokes, whiner,

what did you do with the magic jug?

I'm sorry, gentlemen, I don't have it.

My new master, who is not an unreasonable man,

has kindly consented to give you one more wish.

One apiece? Oh, no, Mr. Mahoney,

one for all of you.

Slip, don't... Quiet, Louie, don't throw it away.

Chief, I've got an idea. Nobody's interested in your ideas.

You loused this thing up enough already, you understand?

Now, we got a very grave incision to make,

and I don't want you goofing it up, you meandering maniac.

Meandering maniac.

Insults, insults, always insults.

I wish I had the nerve to sock him in the chin.

( music )

( thud )

Oh, boy, I did it.

Oh, but I blew the last wish.

I really did it.

Yes, you certainly did.

Genie, Genie? Where are you, don't leave me now.

I need protection. I just socked the chief.

Oh, look at that poor helpless chief.

When he wakes up, it's gonna be poor helpless me.

I'm getting outta here.

Louie: Sach, Sach, where are you going?

Louie, if anybody wants me, I'm at Baghdad 8243.

Dancing girls, here I come.

( music )

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