Original subtitles

Hello, hello. Hello, everybody. Hello, and welcome.

Hello, and welcome to a sea of disappointed faces,

because these people have driven all the way down here today

only to find that the show isn't actually coming from here today.

No, it is in fact coming from 6,000 miles away, here in Vietnam.

Yes, we were told to meet in the centre of Saigon

and await further instructions.

So sit back, enjoy the ride.

We arrived in Saigon and got straight down to business.

No, that was Mel Gibson.

Yeah, Mel Gibson is We Were Soldiers.

You're getting that mixed up with Hamburger Hill.

- Since we left. - Which is where he sticks

the knife in the post.

No, you're right, and Private Pyle was Full Metal Jacket...

- Exactly. Yes. ...which was all shot in the Docklands.

Will you stop going on about what I imagine are presumably war films.

- Hello. - Challenge!

Thank you.

"Since you can buy Rolexes here for a fiver and lunch for 50p,

"you're standing in the world's biggest pound shop.

"You should therefore have no trouble at all buying some wheels

- "for 15 million dong." - 15 million?

- I don't think... - Are these full of money?

- Wow! - Fifteen million.

- Look at this! - Look at that! Fifteen million dong.

I love the smell of money in the morning.

Smells like wheels.

Delighted that for once the producers had been generous,

we headed for the showrooms.

I love having inches of money.

But our joy was short-lived, as James discovered

when he tried to buy a bog standard Fiat 500.

Can you tell me how much?

560 million Vietnam dong.

- 560 million? - Yeah.

- How much is 15 million dong? - Uh, just about $1,000 US.

Even the backstreet car dealers were no good.

- Is it enough? - For what?

- For a car? - For the car?

- Yeah. - What happened to the car?

- To buy. - To buy the car?

- Yeah. - Oh, I cannot.

Jeremy, meanwhile, had become desperate.

Would you sell me your car? Could I buy your car?

Sell me your car.

Please!

And Hammond had given up and gone for lunch.

Nothing.

Yeah, it is quite tricky. Pull up a chair, have a seat.

- What? - They're not very big.

No, you see, I've said to you all along, you two are the freaks.

This place is perfectly scaled. I love it.

But Hammond's joy at fitting in the chairs

wasn't going to get us out of our hole.

I'll tell you the problem, is cars only came to Vietnam a few years ago,

okay, four or five years ago.

They've got the 200% import tax on them.

They haven't had time,

in the four or five years since they've been here, to get cheap.

- Yeah. - So, there are no bangers.

Well, everything's expensive, and we're actually quite poor.

It did look like we'd come a long way for nothing,

but then James and I had an idea.

No.

Go on.

Look around us, what do we see everywhere?

No, I can't. You know I can't do that.

Well, what else is there? Bet you can get a bike for that.

It's our only option.

You can get a lump of excrement for that as well.

- It doesn't mean I'm going to go... - It's transport with an engine.

- It's the only choice we have. - Come on.

- No. - Look. That's all we've got.

Bikes.

James and I did have a point.

Because cars are so expensive in Vietnam,

bikes are used here as family saloons,

delivery trucks, people carriers.

They're used for everything.

If you don't have a bike here, you're a nobody.

So, we took the plunge as well,

and an hour later, met up at the American War Museum

with our cheap-as-chips wheels.

I bought this. It's a Minsk,

Russian, 125cc and it's, well, basically the AK-47 of bikes,

rugged, simple, easy to repair.

It is built specifically to be used in countries where there are no roads.

It will be, for whatever they throw at us, perfect.

I've gone completely native and I've bought this.

It's an ancient Honda 50 Super Cub,

the greatest motorcycle in history.

Over 60 million of those have been built,

and it is a greater liberator of the people than,

well, that American tank, for example.

I've bought this, which is, um, a motorcycle.

Well, technically, this is a scooter.

- It is. - Don't let go now, it'll just fall over.

No, it's got a thing called a stand.

You really don't know anything about bikes, do you?

- I mean, really nothing. - Nothing.

Tell you what I will say, it is actually very pretty.

- But also... - That's lovely.

It's going to be useless, because whatever the challenge is,

tiny wheels and looking good, that's not going to help you.

- Lf the challenge... - Why are tiny wheels wrong?

Because the holes are big, and the little wheels go further into them.

- What holes? - Well, holes in the road.

So, you're having to do... all over the place.

How many cylinders has it got?

One.

- One? - It's a two-stroke.

It was time for the main challenge.

I promise you, no. I'm not interested in this.

"You will now attempt to achieve in eight days

"what the Americans failed to achieve in 10 years,

"get from the south of Vietnam to the north.

"You will ride from here in Saigon to Ha Long City,

near the Chinese border, which is 1,000 miles away."

- That is excellent. - Wow!

That is the best challenge we've ever had.

That's fun. I'm going. Get his bike started. Let's go.

Honestly, that is fantastic.

Can't do that. I just, I can't do that. I can't do...

Guys, I can't do that. I can't ride a bike.

I'm sorry, but this is stupid.

- You're such a misery guts. - And I'm not joking, it is.

I don't know who came up with this, but it's daft.

I think it's brilliant. I'm more excited than anything we've ever done.

I can't believe you're being a misery guts.

Because it's 1,000 miles in the rainy season.

I know, that's the best thing about it.

It's 1,000 miles in the rainy season,

in a country with not very good roads, and I can't ride a bike.

There was good reason for my despair.

The cities in Vietnam are a seething cauldron of barely organised chaos.

They're a death trap for the inexperienced.

And in the countryside, there's even more peril.

Four times more people here die on the roads than in Britain.

I honestly believe that at some point on our long and tortuous route,

one of us would be killed.

It probably wouldn't be Hammond though, because unlike us two,

he at least could get a helmet which fitted.

The reason I don't ride a motorcycle is because I have a large brain.

- No, you have a big head. - The reason why

crash helmets are small is because people who wear them

haven't got a brain, otherwise they'd have a car.

Since we were due to set off the following morning,

Jeremy and I had to get helmets made

in a backstreet metal shop.

Okay, bend.

With our orders placed, Richard and I fettled our bikes

and Jeremy hit the bar.

Departure day, and immediately there was a problem

because in the workshop the night before,

my Vietnamese hadn't been as fluent as I'd thought.

- Where did all those come from? - These?

Well, I can't really turn my head, so...

- You're not excited, are you? - No.

This is a great moment. I'm very excited.

It's the beginning of an epic adventure.

- Come on, Minsk. - Are you off then?

- Yeah. - This is it?

- Yeah. - 1,000 miles?

Yeah! Right then, three, two, one,

we're off.

If we were to reach our overnight halt

in the mountain town of Da Lat,

we had to get cracking, which is why James immediately shed some weight.

I've had to ditch me wok.

Oh.

Stupid thing.

Meanwhile James and I were having a ball in the madness of it all.

Whoa! This is such a melee.

I've been riding bikes for 25 years, and I've never done anything like this.

- I think you just improvise. - It's amazing. It's just that it works.

- Do you know how to start it? - No.

All right, get on.

Well, some Vietnamese people came and I...

They just trod on it and it started.

Oi! Whoa! Wrong side of the road!

One, neutral, two, three, four. There you go.

There you go.

You're getting it.

Yeah, it's only been an hour, and I've done, well, three feet.

That was a dog. How does that work?

More acceleration.

He's going to die.

We were now on the outskirts of Saigon.

I'm glad we couldn't afford cars. This is better.

There, that's one. No. There we go. Yes, that's a gear.

A passing banker had sold me his helmet,

which meant I was now completely safe.

Sorry. Oh,. Are we going down there? Where are we going?

Yeah!

Is this your favourite place in the whole world now?

- Yeah. - Yeah, and mine.

This is terrifying. It's just bikes absolutely everywhere.

Oh, my God. There's one stalled in front of me.

Best motorbike I've ever had.

This is the only motorbike I'd ever had, and it was un-driveable.

Oh, get into gear, for God's sakes. Stupid thing.

Gearbox has a mind of its own, there's no suspension,

it just wobbles. I'm going along, it's just wobbling all the time.

You're going the wrong way!

Eventually, though, I caught up with Barry Sheene and his boyfriend.

- Whoa! - Thanks for waiting, mate.

Well, I did think. I thought, well, Jeremy always waits for me, so I'll...

I'll not wait for him.

I thought you were just behind us.

You knew damn well I wasn't just behind you.

And then I discovered why my bike was so un-driveable.

That nut is as tight as it'll go, and that is... loose.

The driveshaft was knackered, which on a Vespa is bad news.

We're going to have to change the whole engine.

While we're doing that, the front brakes are now being adjusted

so that they work.

Still, at least my mates wouldn't leave me behind this time.

Oh, no, what if we have to finish the whole journey without him?

Unsurprisingly in such a bikey country,

a new engine was found in minutes.

And so, I rolled up my sleeves and had some lunch.

You look at this and you think, what noise did this make

when it was alive? Did it go, "Moo"?

Did it go, "Tweet, tweet, tweet"? Or did it go, "Neigh"?

I think it went, "Woof, woof," but it's delicious.

Well, I think this thing here is a sort of squid thing with some

- weird paste. - Don't like squid.

- Okay. Well, you can have crab with... - I don't like crab.

- Razor clams. - Don't like clams.

By now, the workforce had swelled considerably,

and as a result, I was soon on the move again.

Okay, the wheel is no longer wobbling.

Got a new engine, got a new gearbox

and it feels exactly the same. Crummy, rubbish, useless.

As James and I made smooth progress towards Da Lat,

we were reflecting on the pedigree of our bargain-basement bikes.

These bikes are quite a common sight all over the world,

and in certain places they're usually

seen with members of the Taliban on them,

carrying AK-47 s and rocket launchers.

This is the wheels of Asia, over 60 million of these sold.

If you combine the Beetle, the Model T,

all the versions of the Toyota Corolla and the Mini,

you still haven't got as many as you have of these.

Forty miles back, I couldn't care less about the bike's pedigree.

Work! Just work for one minute!

Further up the road, things were getting hilly,

which meant James was having problems

with his Honda's miserable four horsepower engine.

Faster!

Faster, faster!

Oh, God!

And here we are again.

It's a lovely evening in South East Asia, as you can see,

and I'd be enjoying it in any means of transport apart from the motorbike.

If somebody said to me, "Would you like to hop to Hanoi?"

Yes, I would.

The last few miles to Da Lat were really steep.

Just admit it, you should have bought a more powerful bike.

No, I'm not admitting it yet. I'm still going.

I'm going to check it out, see if it gets steeper.

I'm just coming to a dignified failure.

She's going, she's going,

she's going... That's it.

I've run out of gears.

I've run out of power.

Still, at least he hadn't put 15 Quadrophenia-style mirrors

right in front of his own headlamp.

God almighty, I'm riding along with the headlight

illuminating nothing but my own face.

Our meeting point was a restaurant in Da Lat,

and James had worked up

quite an appetite by the time he got there.

Well, I went to check ahead if it got any steeper. It did.

I know.

- Where is he, do you reckon? - Don't know.

Do you think he's enjoying his first biking experience?

I am the most miserable human being alive.

Where's this restaurant? Where is it?

I quite like it here. I like the way the roof's been made,

and the way that the sticks have been joined together.

- Whoa! - Blimey!

- Mate, how are you? - Well, congratulations.

- Do you want a beer? - Yes.

We've drunk them, but we'll get another...

Hammond was loving my misery,

but I got revenge by ordering Set Menu "B".

What is Ran?

You haven't eaten anything since you got here, have you?

I have, you just haven't seen me. I've always been...

- What have you eaten since you got here? - Loads of stuff.

He had some cornflakes.

No. I was trying them just in case they were different,

'cause I like to try local cultures and flavours,

and they may have been different cornflakes.

But I've been eating the squid soup,

clam, bamboo-shoot arrangement before you came in. I had!

Then our Ran arrived.

Oh, God! I don't like snake.

It's going to be delicious. If I told you it was chicken...

- We'll have chicken then. - Could I have it medium, medium rare?

What, a medium rare snake?

Well, how would you have it? Well done, I suppose.

Richard didn't go for the snake salad or the snake soup,

and he really didn't go for the still-beating snake heart.

No, I'm... Oh, I can't. I'm fine, gentlemen.

- I have sampled your world today. - Yeah.

Do you want vodka with snake blood or vodka with snake bile?

I don't need a vodka with snake...

Three, two, one, go.

Whoa!

James and I liked the snake vodka.

In fact, we liked it so much...

Three, two, one, go.

That later we may have made mischief with Hammond's helmet.

Why?

Morning.

- Did you do this? - Yes.

Well, we just wanted to make sure it was strong enough.

Yeah, we were worried about you. We were paralytically worried.

I was. I was blind worried.

He was so worried, on a couple of occasions, he fell over with worry.

How did you do it?

We tested it by putting it under the wheels of a lorry

and look what happened.

- You tested it? - Yes.

- So, now that's... - Ruined.

Yes. Don't worry, though, 'cause we've just been out to town

and we've bought you another one.

Now don't take this the wrong way,

because colours assume different significance in different cultures...

- Stop talking. - No, seriously,

in Britain, we think of that as a feminine colour...

Stop moving you face about with noises come coming of it like that.

- Here, it's the colour of warriors. - Stop!

- He's not very happy with us. - He's not.

But at least he was happier than me,

because today I faced another 130 miles of rough roads, endless breakdowns,

massive discomfort and general peril.

Still, at least I'd been assured it wouldn't rain.

Name an upside to this, May. Name one upside.

Well, you're not hot any more, are you?

My light's dying! It's dying! My light's dying!

There was an upside though.

Richard's Taliban bike had decided it liked the rain even less than me.

Come on now.

That's not as effective as I'd hoped it would be.

Oh, my God!

What the hell is going on in my life?

- Why is my life going so wrong? - It's good for you.

- It's not - It is, stop whining.

Hit that, maybe cheer me up, kill yourself.

# I'll take you anywhere you want to go on my, my Honda tonight

Hey, you!

# First gear, it's all right

# Second gear, I lean right

# Third gear, hold on tight #

All I could hope for was that Captain Beach Boy

would have a disaster on these awful flooded roads.

Cock. This is a massive, "Oh, cock."

How can it have run out?

That rain makes a really annoying noise on my colander, helmet,

and it comes through.

On his much faster Minsk, Hammond had passed his old mate James,

not stopped to help and caught up with me.

Lorry! Can't stop.

He's enjoying it.

He is enjoying it, he is.

This nice man has stopped, on an old Russian motorcycle,

and I think he's going to give me some petrol.

What a nice man.

In fact, I think I'll pay him.

Me dong's going to be all soggy, isn't it?

At a filling station further up the road,

Jeremy and I had pulled over because my clutch cable had snapped.

You see, my clutch should be there, and it isn't.

This became a big problem for all of us.

James!

- May, there's bad news. - What?

The producers have got fed up

with us just replacing parts willy-nilly on our bikes.

- You two, you mean? - Yes, us two.

His clutch cable went. He just went and bought one from in there.

- Yeah. - So,

they say that if our bikes go wrong again

and we can't just keep them going with tools,

- they've provided backup transport. - Excellent.

Excellent turned out to be the wrong word.

- Oh! - Oh, my God.

Oh, ho. Oh, yes, that is a bit...

- Oh, God, I don't think so. - It's slightly conspicuous.

That's Born in the USA, evidently...

That's thunder and the village.

Have you noticed there was a rumble of thunder

and the village arrived.

Children, if you're watching this at home

and you don't know why this is inappropriate, ask your parents.

But this is about as inappropriate a bike

as it's humanly possible to conceive.

Amazingly, all our bikes suddenly worked perfectly.

However, getting to Na Trang meant crossing more spectacular mountains,

which meant more bad news for James.

I might even get third gear.

Wait for it. Here it comes.

Yes!

No.

Got my knee down. I am Francis Rossi.

This is staggeringly good. We are in the clouds.

By nightfall, we were on the downhill run and finally united.

This is the first time we've all ridden together

since the square in Saigon.

It's dark and about to rain, but there we are.

Wow, did you see that one?

The lightning was biblical, and from my point of view, quite useful.

Oh, no! No, no, my light, my light!

Fearful of the Yankee bike, I strapped a torch to my front mudguard,

and with just two days' motorcycling experience,

set off into the night,

where even Captain Experienced found the going a bit tricky.

This is where it gets bad.

Got to be careful on the downhill bits 'cause only the back brake works.

Oh, huge truck with no brakes.

Well, there's no other word, it's absolutely suicidal.

Eventually, we careered into Na Trang.

Hold on, James.

Holy crapoli! What do we do here?

James just went straight out then.

It had been another hateful day.

Wow, lightning!

So, I decided to cheer myself up

by buying Richard Hammond a small present.

If I can just stand this, it'll warm up, then it does, and you think,

"Ah, nice". That's what it's like coming down the hill.

Yes, exactly right.

- What? - Bloody hell.

- There you go. - What is it?

- There you go, nice present. - That's for me?

- Yeah. - Why?

Well, because I thought it would look good in your hall

in your new house.

Have you seen the detailing on it? I mean, look at the bridge.

I see what you've done.

Yeah, if you had a car, you'd pop it on the back seat or in the boot.

Yeah. I see... I see what you've done here now.

We ploughed on northwards with the monotony broken

only by a light sprinkling of massive discomfort.

Only 90 degrees, 75% humidity.

In fact, after a day and a half of solid riding in this sweat box,

our clothes were so rank,

we decided to get some more in the town of Hoi An,

Vietnam's Savile Row.

Buying off the peg in Vietnam, let's be honest, is all right for you,

but the trousers...

Are going to be an issue for you. Yeah, I grant you that.

- Possibly in other areas. - The girth.

- This is cashmere. - Yes.

And how much is this?

The price of the whole suit, $135 US.

- A cashmere suit? - Yes.

For L70.

- A whole suit? Or just the buttons? - Yes, for the whole suit.

- It's made to measure... - How long does it take?

- How long... - Uh, it take one day

- to finish your clothes. - A day?

- So, we can have any style? - Yeah, any style.

- And any material? - Yeah, yeah.

Right, lads. I'll have some time on my own.

Linen not good.

- It makes you look even fatter. - Yeah.

Jonathan Ross would never wear linen for that reason,

'cause he's getting quite portly.

Uh, this is Chinese brocade.

- Chinese brocade? - Yes.

I don't know what that is.

Don't really know what I'm doing here

'cause I'm not very fashion conscious.

Your suit's ready. Here it is.

Thank you, thank you.

- Here... - Thank you, that's very nice.

It's perfect.

They're measuring my biceps now. Tape measure's not long enough.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

If she leaves that tape measure under my armpit any longer, it'll rot.

With our suits underway,

I decided to go for some tailor-made shoes as well,

which turned out to be extremely good fun.

Since our new wardrobe wouldn't be ready till morning,

Richard and James suggested we go to the beach

with our stupid bikes.

Why are we doing this?

I've fallen off it! I've fallen off!

- Come on. - Hey, hey! This is great.

Yeah.

Happily, however, I soon found a typical Vietnamese hotel

where I could revert to being a human.

Thank you.

Oh, come on. It's just... It's like being on holiday with two idiots.

There.

To get away from the dreadful bike noises,

I went to the spa for a foot treatment.

That one's a piranha.

On the beach, we were seeing

who could get their bikes nearest to the waves,

which was a mistake.

Not now! No! Not now!

Not while that's there!

Yes, no! Yeah, no!

I am now officially the world's most comfortable man.

Meanwhile, I was getting my first lesson in

what, sadly, put this country on the map.

You, here, fighting the US?

1968, yes.

B-52. B-52s here? You here?

Deaf, deaf.

This beach... yours?

I'll go. Good to meet you.

As night fell, we decided to head into downtown Hoi An,

only to find the Minsk hadn't recovered from its swim.

Hammond, I was born down in a dead man's town.

It's lovely, but I don't fancy it today.

The first kick I took was when I hit the ground.

In a minute, you're going to be driving along with that blaring from that bike.

No more spare parts allowed.

No, none are going on, just work.

If he turns up on Bruce Springsteen, I'll feel quite sorry for him,

but I'll still laugh.

We had intended to nip into town for something to eat,

but in Hoi An it's easy to get a bit distracted.

Wow!

Yes, it's very pretty, I have to say.

Extraordinarily pretty, and Hammond has missed it.

He is missing this astonishing... How do I make these legs go down?

- I didn't think you bothered. - No, well.

You getting fond of your motorcycle, Jeremy?

No.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

I don't want to sound like Michael Palin, all gushing, but...

- You're going to. - Yeah.

This is like that duck-racing thing they do on British rivers,

only much more beautiful.

Was that like Palin?

No, it was rubbish.

The next morning, we picked up our clothes from the tailor's

and hit the highway.

When I said I wanted the sort of thing the locals would wear to work,

I was thinking more working in a shop or working on a building site,

not working in an embassy or going to a formal reception.

It's Brighton Beach 1965, mods and rockers.

Richard had a new look, too, but sadly not a new bike,

because, annoyingly, the Minsk had dried out.

Love your work! Is that a smoking jacket?

Is that a mod cut?

Oh, yeah, full Phil Daniels. You check out the lining.

As usual, however, there was one small problem.

I fear my new mod look has been spoilt slightly

because somebody has written "penis" on my helmet.

I did that.

As we headed for the ancient capital of Hue

on the superheated highway,

James started to fall behind again.

And all Jeremy and I could think to do was buy him a present,

something nice and heavy.

It's depressing being at the back.

- I think he needs cheering up. - My thoughts exactly.

Which is why we've come to Kerry Katona's front room.

Oh, it's all lovely this.

Leaping dolphins? What about these lions?

- This is the modern thing. - He's not modern.

No, he doesn't do modern. He won't like that.

- No, he is very... - Old-fashioned.

- May, welcome. - Thanks for waiting.

We decided to buy you a present.

You're standing right next to it.

That?

We thought about that long and hard. It's got...

- Seriously, it's classical. - It is classical, it's got...

It's a ballet, and we know that you like the ballet.

- So you have actually thought about it? - Yeah. Long and hard.

- And that's a real present. - I need some straps.

With Darcey Bussell on the back of his bike,

James was being even more careful than usual,

which is more than could be said of Hammond.

My galleon!

- Oh, your masts have come off. - No!

They're all down.

I can fix it. I can fix that, you'll never notice.

Toll booth. Motorbikes go free.

What's he done?

Sorry, I'm sorry.

Hammond just hit the sign in the toll booth.

I know. That bloke's furious.

Then the Vespa came over all Italian again.

- Do you know something very interesting? - What's that?

My bike isn't broken.

You're not going to believe how they mended it.

With a hammer? With a screwdriver?

No, got plastic bag, filled it with weeds

and then wedged all the electrics so they can't jiggle about.

- See that mountain up there, James? - Yeah.

We're going up there.

Right, I'll wait for you at the top.

The mountain was a bit of a surprise,

because you expect to find many things when you come to Vietnam,

communistical farming, reminders of the war, stunning food, massive heat.

What you don't expect to find is a deserted ribbon of perfection,

one of the best coast roads in the world.

It's called the Hai Van Pass, and in this place I had an epiphany.

I'm liking this.

Hammond, I'm going for an overtake.

Yeah!

This is great. At last, I've got a playmate.

Don't leave me!

Man alive! It keeps getting better.

There are views in the world, and then there's that one.

Oh, no. This is where I'm going to wish I didn't have Darcey with me.

It's gone! Hammo, it's gone again. It's gone.

- You know we mended it with weeds? - Your weed bag, yeah.

The weed bag doesn't work.

Mind you, there are worse places to break down.

We go round the world, but some of the stuff here...

- Yeah. - It's made my hair all stand on end.

And there's nobody there. Oh, I'll tell you who is here.

Has he arrived?

It's not a majestic sight, is it?

- May. - Yes?

Seriously, look at that view.

- That's fantastic. - James?

Yes.

Have you got his present, or do you know where it is?

I put it in the camera bag.

Go get it, I think it's now. He's ready.

- Okay. - Have you really got me a present?

Oh, yes.

We've both been amazed that on your first bike run...

I think, to come up here on this road, you deserve your present now.

- James, present it. - Your present.

- That is very striking, chaps. - Yes.

Funnily enough, that's the word I used. It is.

And I shall try to look after this, Hammond,

a bit better than you're looking after the galleon that I gave you.

Fifty miles to Hue!

Down into second for the difficult hairpin.

Oh, yes, knee down.

Every time I change down, Darcey clouts me with her breasts.

It's not a complaint, it's an observation.

We thought as we got to the bottom of the pass

that we'd be back in the chaos, but no.

That image really is a metaphor for Vietnam,

the mountains, the coastline, the big new engineering project,

and the traditional fishing scene down here.

With that soundtrack.

It is a fabulous country. It really is.

That night in the hotel,

Hammond set about mending his treasured galleon.

I think I may have to cut some of the rigging, 'cause there's...

Meanwhile, to pay him back for breaking it in the first place,

I decided to redecorate his treasured bike.

You know, he will be apocalyptically cross about it.

Oh, I know, but he's cross about everything, so it doesn't really...

Let's have a go.

Oh, yes.

You like?

- Would you like to do some? - Would you like to do some?

- Pink. - Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah! If he asks, we just say, "Well, the chef did it."

If you painted the back, he'd be furious. Down there.

Do you have a pencil I could borrow?

- Pencil? - Pencil, yes.

Now, look what's happened. The whole town has turned out to paint.

Richard Hammond's bike pink.

James and I are doing everything possible to stop them.

Please, don't do this.

I've given up trying to tell them.

And you missed a bit there that you mustn't do, as well.

You can't just go...

- Hang on, has she painted her own bike? - No, it isn't hers.

It's not her... oh.

What's happened is, is she's got hold of this pink paint and decided

everything in the entire car park needs painting pink.

The sun rose over another beautiful day in the 'nam,

but among us three the atmosphere was a little tense.

I told you he'd be furious.

Can they really not organise a bloody junction better than this?

No, I know he's cross, but I've told him a chef did it.

- Did he not believe you? - No.

Funny that.

Oh, dear.

Despite Richard's mood,

we were told to report to a nearby government building for a challenge.

I think it looks good. It matches your helmet now.

Yes. I have spotted that, that's the point, very good. Yes, thank you.

No, I am sorry. We did everything in our power.

You know we're your mates. Anyway, we need a challenge.

And he is cross, but just read the challenge, it'll cheer him up.

It'll be the person with the pinkest bike wins, I bet you.

- The person with the pinkest bike... - There you go.

- No, it doesn't actually say that. - Doesn't say that. What does it say?

"You are about to enter what was North Vietnam,

"it's as well your papers are in order.

"You will therefore take a Vietnamese driving test."

Well, that will just be one of those joke ones. You know, the Egypt one?

- Forwards and backwards, six feet. - Six feet.

Cheer up, this is going to be a doddle.

It wasn't. First, we had to take an oral theory test, in Vietnamese.

May? May?

Stand up. Stand up. Stand up.

Oh, no. Yes...

Always give way to the car from the right.

You've a one in 100 chance of being right,

but you were in the wrong language.

Uh-oh.

How the hell? What did you just do?

- Eighteen, it's 18 years old. - How did you know?

The age you're allowed to ride a motorbike. The answer's 18.

- But... - That's what we were told.

How did you know what she asked?

Did you not bother learning Vietnamese before you came here?

- Well, no. - You're screwed then.

So, only one of us had shone in the classroom, but in the practical test

things would be better.

You see, you have to ride in a figure of eight,

and then you can go out and ride on Ho Chi Minh's Highway.

- Yes. - That's it.

So if you touch the white lines, you fail?

Presumably.

Barbara Cartland went first.

Hammond.

Oh, it's me.

He's quite tight.

Serves him right for riding an enormous motorcycle.

Oh, it's harder than it looks.

Is he doing well? Good?

Richard Hammond pass.

- You've passed. - He passed.

You pass!

James May.

He'll love this. It's all about precision,

going slowly and being accurate.

He's gone the wrong way.

It's a good spectator sport though, isn't it?

It is. They're loving it. They're really loving it.

James May, pass. Jeremy Clarkson.

- Get on with it. - Yes, yes, yes.

Ah, I've got the angle right.

No, that's not right.

What he's doing is, rather predictably, going too fast.

This is just impossible on these wheels. They're too small.

Jeremy Clarkson fail.

- You failed. - I've only been riding a bike five days.

Happily, in Vietnam, if you fail, you are allowed to try again, immediately.

- He spent less time in the circle... - In the circle, yeah.

Than he has out of the circle.

Jeremy Clarkson fail.

Obviously it was the Vespa's fault, so I had a go on the Cub.

- Give it gas, man. - There you go.

The big wheels are helping massively here.

- You can't scoot it along. - Oh, this is disastrous.

How's he ridden this thing?

Jeremy Clarkson fail.

Is he the most ridiculous human being

in the world currently or ever, ever, ever previously?

- Yes. - Yeah.

We're going to have to get going.

But we haven't got a licence.

Well, that's 'cause you failed your theory.

Well, you haven't been... You haven't been granted

a pass for your practical, it's pathetic.

But as a team.

As a team, we've done both halves of it. As a unit, we are licensed.

We are now licensed.

We could have a Top Gear licence with all our faces on it.

- If we stick together. - Yeah, that's right, yeah.

No! Oi!

We bought him that.

I am sorry, James, I am.

You're not sorry. Please shut up.

To apologise for Darcey's head, I bought James some flowers

and then we headed out of Hue.

You've knocked one of my mirrors off.

Even though we were against the clock,

we felt we had to stop at the Citadel,

scene of one of the fiercest battles in the Vietnam War.

- Bullet holes everywhere. - Yeah, millions of them.

And, I mean, everywhere you look, it's just...

You can track them, as well, can't you, sometimes? You can see...

- Yeah. That is machine-gun fire there. - Yeah, where it goes.

I think, for most people, Vietnam is a war, not a country.

Yes.

And this was pretty much the epicentre.

It's nice that they haven't restored it.

That's a better memorial than anything else, isn't it?

It was now day six of our epic road trip,

and the finish line was still more than 400 miles away.

What's more, the traffic was getting worse.

You can tell we're getting close to the north.

What, more bikes?

Well, a lot more bikes.

The heat was worse than ever, and even James's Cub

was starting to feel the strain.

That's just not as sweet as it was this morning.

Progress, then, was slower than ever.

And over lunch, the penny dropped with a horrible clang.

- Rice. - Yeah.

- Those are bamboo shoots. - Yeah.

- And that's meat. - Some meat.

- Yeah, I'm going to... - Guys.

- Yeah. - We can't make it.

If you think how far we've come so far

and how far we've got... Well, we're about halfway.

Well, thinking about it, probably

that day spent playing on the beach and having a massage,

while we had our suits made

wasn't actually the... No.

We can't just give in.

So, what are you saying? We must try harder?

No.

We must find a way of making the bikes faster?

- No. - Cheat?

Yeah.

We decided to take an overnight train to Ha Long City,

which is something the Americans never thought to do.

But we couldn't celebrate our ingenuity

because, at the station, James was a bit upset

that my spare wheel had come through my painting.

- Now look what you've done! - What, I did it on purpose?

Hammond paid for it and it was... Well, we won't tell you how much it was,

'cause that's a gift, but it was quite expensive.

You're not making me feel any better.

Well, how do you think we feel?

Let's not get bogged down with who did what to who.

No, cause you did all of it.

Come on, buffalo.

Wait, wait, wait. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

In the night, can you water the flowers for me?

Sorry.

- Yeah, a tire went through it. - Sorry.

James had bought the tickets, and great news for licence payers,

they were for third class.

- Thirteen hours. - There are people sleeping.

Thirteen hours.

- How long have we done? - Four minutes.

Getting through it.

We decided to pass the rest of the time

by mending each other's presents.

Oh, oh, oh, moves about more than I expected,

but that's okay. It'll give the painting some motion, some fluidity.

It's good, it's good.

That's like trying to unravel the mystery of the universe, made of string.

In the accident, we've lost her hand, the thing that...

Maybe I could improvise that and make that her hand.

And then, she's like a sort of mutant.

What I've done is inject a touch of the familiar

to this otherwise quite alien scene.

Why is that so hot? Is that glue?

Why is it so hot? My suit!

I've dropped hot glue on my suit!

Do you have anything to cure Super Glue burns through silk?

I've got my hand in the front of my trousers.

Don't read anything into that.

In the morning, the train was approaching our destination.

James is going to be extremely pleased with,

not so must with this,

but the surgery on her shoulder. That is the work of a top doc.

It's difficult really to explore the allegorical significances

and layers of the painting when I'm, well, sober.

What you've done is you've painted a Land Rover

in the middle of a Vietnamese scene.

- Yeah, and... - Mind you, you're in for a big surprise

when you see what May's done to your galleon.

It's not brilliant, May, if I'm honest. And what are these?

Chop sticks.

- But what are they representing? - Oars.

It's a Chinese junk now.

It's the best I could do with the bits that survived

and stuff I could buy from the woman with the trolley.

Finally, two days early, we arrived in Ha Long City.

- Where's her hand? - I completely lost it.

Can we move this out the way? Sorry.

This is heavy.

Darcey's head's come off again.

- Don't touch it. - Okay.

This has been the clumsiest arrival at a finishing point.

It hasn't been an elegant arrival,

but we are at the finishing point. It's very hot. Is it hotter here than it was?

Well, isn't there a sea breeze?

How would you spell Ha Long?

H-A-L-O-N-G.

It's two words, 'cause G-A, I think that means train station. I think, "Ga".

Hanoi. Hanoi.

Well, where did you book the tickets to?

There's nothing wrong with the tickets.

Clearly we're in the wrong place. Something's gone wrong.

Yes, but Ha Long City, Ha Long City, Ha Long City.

You chose the platform. You said, "I know..."

There's one platform, James, there's one line.

No, there was a line either side of the platform,

like there often is on a platform.

A quick look at a map showed us the scale of my colleague's cock up.

- There is Ha Long. - Yeah.

- There is Hanoi. - Well, we're miles away.

We have to go along there. It's a day's ride.

Well, everyone, welcome to Hanoi.

Oh, no, I'll go and get the tickets. I know what I'm doing.

I understand public transport.

No, no, trust me. I promise you, it's this platform.

To make matters worse, the traffic was more mental than ever.

I'm utterly, utterly marmelated here. I've never been more in peril.

But we were ahead of schedule, so we went for breakfast.

These are chicken innards.

And, well, actually it doesn't say that. It says chicken...

- Internals. - Internals.

We've ordered pickled pig's ear

with vegetables dipped in seasoning sauce, spelt wrong.

Hammond didn't fancy any of that, and nor did he go for the main course.

Speak of the devil, the sparrows have arrived.

Ah, look at that! Wafer-thin sparrow?

No, I'm fine.

- One little wafer-thin sparrow. - No, I'm fine.

But after seven days, he had to eat something.

Good news, Richard Hammond is eating rice.

It's rice crispies, but...

- Is it rice? - Yes.

- Am I eating it with chopsticks? - Yes.

Then I am native and local as you.

After breakfast, we set out for Ha Long City.

That's part of a shot down B-52, which landed there,

and they never bothered to move it.

And soon we realised it wasn't just Hanoi's traffic that was confusing.

I've no idea where we are, and no idea... Not one sign post.

I'm pretty sure we've been past this park once already.

Eventually though, we found our way out of the city and into the countryside.

Ha Long and Hanoi are two big cities.

I doubt they're connected by a three-foot wide,

dusty path covered in hay.

I think, you know, when we got to the 16th century,

I think we turned left and we should have gone right.

- Yeah, yeah. - Now we're in the 13th century.

We are completely lost.

Yeah, we're finally admitting that. Yes, clearly.

Even I will admit this is not the main road from...

No.

- Hanoi to Ha Long. - Anywhere to anywhere.

Where is Ha Long City?

This isn't Ha Long City, is it? No.

I like being lost here.

Yeah, this is a nice place to be lost.

Hello, hello.

Here.

Eventually, though...

We found a road.

It really did look like we were gonna make it.

I've always said to my children

that if they buy a bike, I will burn it.

And if they replace it with another one, I shall burn that, too.

Now, however, if they buy a bike, I will completely understand.

And then I'll burn it.

With just 50 miles to go, Hammond went berserk.

The speed!

He's just a prat.

And, happily, he paid the price.

Oh, no! No, no, no! I'm breaking down.

Bruce beckoned. But having come this far, I wasn't going to give in.

Plenty of fuel. It's not that.

Happily, Jeremy ploughed on.

Now I'm motoring. Oh, yeah.

And without his hammer-fisted approach to pretty much everything,

we'd have the bike mended in a jiffy.

I just put my face in your crotch.

You simultaneously head-butted me in the gentleman's region

and snapped the prow off the galleon, you complete numpty, Hammond.

I am now boldly going where no American has been before.

Unaware that we had a man down,

we were even still buying each other silly presents.

So, there we are. It's my first bike crash.

I'm a member of the club now.

I don't like it, hate biking, it's a stupid idea.

So, the sit rep is my foot hurts quite badly 'cause the bike landed on it.

I've got cracked ribs probably, my elbow's ruined, but look at my suit.

Luckily, the Vespa was undamaged, which meant I could catch the others

and thank them for suggesting bikes in the first place.

You short-arsed little Birmingham faddy,

stupid, "I've never been abroad and I don't like it

"and I'm with my piano playing idiotic things."

Come on, cheer up, we're nearly there!

Actually, the faddy brummy was right.

It was no time for squabbling.

What a journey, 700 miles on my bike,

250 miles on a train, and about 50 miles on my face.

We've done it. We've nursed these old, broken, tiny, tiny, wee bikes

the length of Vietnam.

Ten miles to go.

Ha Long! Ha Long City! There it is.

Yeah!

My little Minsk, you little buffalo, you. Ha! Ha! Ha!

We've gone from the south to the north of Vietnam,

we've proved to the Americans it's possible.

- We did it! - Fantastic.

I cannot believe all three bikes... oh!

Oh, dear.

- Congratulations. - Congratulations.

- Wounded? - Congratulations.

- Yes, I am a bit. - Well done, mate.

Good stuff.

That's it. I became a biker.

Oh, I'm being left in the field of battle,

but I can still have a few beers... What?

It'll just be to say congratulations.

It just... Open it, it'll be, "Well done, you've reached..."

It won't say that.

- "You've reached the finish line." - You think it's going to say that?

- It is. It's gonna to say, "Well done." - It doesn't.

- Right, what does it say? - It says, "You haven't finished."

Oh, come on.

- No, well, that's... - But we have finished.

It says the actual finishing point is at Ba Hang Bar in Ha Long Bay.

As it's only accessible by water,

it's probably a good idea to modify your bikes so they can float.

- No, but look on the bright side... - No.

- What? - No.

No, think, if it's possible here to get a helmet made overnight,

it must be possible to get your bike converted into a jet ski overnight,

as well. It has to be.

- I'm sure they do it all the time. - How hard can it be?

Don't say that!

So, it was time to find a workshop and cue the music.

The wheels will be there and there.

The engine needs to be the other way.

The next morning, we stood on the beach and looked out

over Ha Long Bay, which is quite simply Vietnam's biggest surprise.

It is a spectacular limestone maze.

And hidden in there somewhere was our bar.

All we had to do was find it.

And luckily we had just the machines for the job.

James had attached his bike to a traditional fishing boat,

using the engine to power the propeller.

You've just completely disassembled your motorcycle.

It isn't a motorbike any more, is it?

Front wheels, gone. Engine, isn't where it's supposed to live.

There was nothing in the rules that said

the engine had to stay in the same place.

That...

Is magnificent. I know.

It's very... I've gone with the Minsk principles of simplicity.

You see, I have a rudder, steerable from the bar's cables.

And then it's just a chain drive down to prop and I'm away.

And that's just the standard pedalo sort of...

Yeah, this I just a pedalo with a few extra floats on it.

I'd been even more ingenious, turning my Vespa

into a Mississippi-style paddle steamer.

Now, as it turned out, my simple plan was very difficult,

'cause the Vespa weighs 940,000 tons.

So I've needed four canoes, full of foam.

The main problem, though, is that with cracked ribs

I couldn't operate the kick start.

Could you start my engine for me, 'cause my right...

Neither of my legs are working.

Yeah. As you're injured, I'll reduce the price. 900,000 dong.

It was time for the off.

It's working, I have propulsion.

But then, in true Top Gear amphibious tradition,

it all went wrong for James.

First, he crashed into me.

- Go away! - I'm trying.

Why are you doing this to me? It's that way, you blithering idiot.

Then he crashed into some netting.

Oh, bloody hell.

And then, as Hammond and I got going...

Yeah! Once you've got it going, it's like water-skiing.

He sank.

No, no. Cock.

Why's it done that?

As his boat was towed back to shore,

Richard and I thought about going back to help, but we didn't.

I did not expect anything like this.

It's magnificent.

James, meanwhile, on the beach, in what can only be described

as a crashed airliner, a scene from Lost.

Well, what I've done is, I've found Hammond's spare pontoons

from the workshop just over there.

I've employed these local blokes to use the best traditional Vietnamese

boat-building knot technology to lash it all together.

It gives me more buoyancy, it stops the stern falling into the water,

it stops it filling up.

Honda put-put-puts away, off I go.

But I have got a lot of catching up to do.

Out in the bay, there were problems, too.

My Vespa had stalled, and I needed Hammond's legs

to kick it back into life.

- Right. - I'll get on my wasp and you...

That was truly ridiculous.

All we've got to do is get back to yours.

Oh, arsing hell.

- We're going well so far. - Yeah, it's going very well.

Half an hour later, my new, improved boat was ready,

so I set off in pursuit of the others, and the elusive bar.

Come on!

1,969 islands in here.

Ba Hang?

Hello, Ba Hang? Ba Hang?

I think he thinks we're idiots.

Come on! Yes!

Where'd they go?

We'd got desperate, and had even resorted to looking in caves.

You know when Attenborough travels the world and goes to

- incredible natural sites like this? - Yeah.

He doesn't usually pitch up on a homemade amphibious scooter.

- No. - In a cloud of two-stroke smoke.

And that's where he's been going wrong.

# It's not a big motorcycle Just a groovy little motor bike

# It's more fun than a barrel of monkeys That two-wheeled bike #

Okay, if you've just tuned in to Britain's favourite car show,

what's happened is, Richard and I have driven into a cave,

looking for a bar that isn't here, and we have no reverse gear.

Still, could be worse.

God, that was going so well. My traditional Vietnamese fishing knots

have come undone, and my centuries-old fibreglass

outrigger has drifted away.

This is gonna work.

After a one-thousand-point turn,

Jeremy and I were out of the cave.

I wasn't worried. I wasn't scared.

And with only a few hours of daylight left,

we really couldn't afford any more problems.

Water has got into the electrical system.

And the 60,000 volts is coursing through everything that's metal,

including the frame on the boat, the frame of the bike.

Our bike skis were in a bad way.

Come on!

But then...

Life, there's life!

It's a bar.

It's an umbrella. It's a bar. Yes!

That little speck over there is Hammond.

I'm sure of it. Hammond!

Hammond! It's there.

Sadly, there wasn't much I could do with this information.

Because my steering was broken.

All I can do is go in circles.

And so, it seemed the non-biker would get there first.

Come on!

Yes!

And that is how we do that.

The question now was would all of us make it before the eight-day

deadline expired at sundown.

I can't do anything because I haven't got reverse.

Eventually, blind luck brought Hammond close to the pontoon,

where I was sadly too busy to help him more.

Just that bit of rope there, look! That black rope is long enough.

- Swim. - No.

Come on, come on, another foot.

Put your back into it.

With the swan lined up, I gave the engine a burst.

Damn it.

Yes!

Using nothing but currents and the wind, Richard Hammond's idiotic Minsk

appears to have made it.

Have a beer.

Now there were two of us to savour this amazing location.

I've just been finding out about this place.

The people who live here were born here.

They live here, they fish here, and they die here.

- And they never go on dry land? - Never go on dry land.

- They spend their whole lives floating? - Yeah, just float around.

Floating, though, was becoming an issue for our colleague,

who'd just lost his second pontoon.

It's fallen apart.

Oh, come on!

Shut up!

Yeah, we left Saigon. "Well, the one thing I can absolutely guarantee is

"that my bike will make it."

It's been quite a journey. That's the big...

It has been a journey, and there is James May ending it.

Completing it. I don't believe it.

This is the worst arrival at a place ever made by anyone, James.

The fact is, though, it was an arrival.

Our little bikes had made it.

Oh, sure, there'd been breakdowns, accidents and squabbles, but through

the rain, the draining humidity, the mad traffic and the tricky roads,

they had brought us 1,000 miles... nearly.

I have to say, though, that despite the success, I'm still not sold on biking.

There are good moments, but it's mostly bad,

and I'm sorry, but our machines were completely overshadowed

by this incredible, beautiful, brilliant country.

It's hard to sum it up, really.

Perhaps that's why people, when they get back from this place,

always say the same thing.

"Vietnam, you don't know, man. You weren't there!"