Original subtitles

Fuck!

Can we turn this down?

I mean...

I only want a little bit of music.

How do you do that?

- Do what? - Read in the car.

I get carsick as shit, you know?

Start getting all queasy, burps start smelling weird.

And I'm puking projectile vomit. It'll be violent.

You know what I mean? Like... Like, I'm eating it back into my mouth.

Can't see. It splatters everywhere. Little piece gets in your eye.

You're like, "Ah!" So you open your mouth. And it gets in your mouth and then...

You're gagging, you're vomiting all over the place. And I crash into a tree.

Could you please stop? I'm gonna finish working on my checklist, you know.

Did you bring the wine glasses?

Yeah.

I'm gonna double-check.

- It's okay. Oh, my God. - Really? Really?

We're okay. Let me help. There's a towel around here.

No. It's everywhere.

- Who paved this fucking road? - Is that a rhetorical question?

Could you try not to hit, you know all the potholes and/or gardeners?

You seem a little anxious.

I am. I mean, I'm running this business now.

If I fail the business fails. If the business fails, then I don't make money.

And If can't make money, I can't pay you. You know?

It's all I know how to do is parties and if I can't do parties then...

what does that say about me?

I mean... I... It's...

I don't know. I mean, it sounds like you were born to party.

I mean, not like, you...

party, but like party, like cater. You were born to cater, you know?

Do you smoke weed? I think weed would be great. If I was a doctor...

- Paul. - Yeah.

Just stop. Just stop.

Really? I thought maybe we were communicating there. So, I'm...

Yeah. No.

Phone.

What?

I'm not a child. I know not to use my phone while I work.

Why do I have to give it to you?

I don't want the guests seeing you searching for a signal like an idiot.

There is no winning with you.

Yeah.

- Careful! - I know, I know.

Please don't fuck this up. This year's been hard enough as it is.

I know. I know.

Yeah, I'm... Yeah, I mean... No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's gonna be perfect.

- This place is a piece of shit. - You'll see it has its charms.

You're not gonna wear that shirt, are you?

Everything's gonna be okay. Alright? Just relax.

Flora!

Cómo estás?

Julia! Darling.

So good to see you.

Sounds alright to you?

Sounds damn good to me.

I'm Lawrence. Tonight's entertainment. Friends call me Larry.

Bartender Paul. Friends call me Paul.

Well, Paul, you seem awfully glum on such a fine afternoon.

There's something I can play to cheer up your spirits?

I don't... I don't know, why don't you surprise me?

- Do you know anything in the key of G? - G like Greats?

G like Great. That's funny. Clever. Larry.

Paul.

Yeah.

You'd think I'd outgrow the onion cries, right?

Dad was always on chopping duty.

I heard about your father.

I'm sorry, Julia.

It's been tough, I'm just...

trying to hold everything together.

But you're just as good as he was. Better, even.

Everything will work out.

Oh, God.

Come on.

Jesus.

Fuck.

He likes you.

Yeah. No.

I'm pretty sure I'd rather jump off a cliff.

Hey, there. Put you in charge?

- Yeah. - Okay. You got much experience?

Sure. Yeah. I'm good at serving drinks.

I'm good at consuming alcohol so really I'm over-qualified for the job.

Yeah, well... that's my personal stash.

So... if you can just keep them cold in a...

You know, don't give them out.

You put open bar on these flyers and people come running down from the hills.

These... these cocksuckers are expensive.

Yeah, I'll keep them safe for you, sir.

You don't have to call me "sir." I'm... I'm Sydney Perch.

- Paul. - Yeah. Nice, Paul.

You wanna have a beer with me?

That's totally cool, just don't... you know, tell my mom.

I really should wait till I'm off the clock.

I'm gonna get you started.

There you go.

Sydney? Is little Percy down there?

He's run off again!

I'd better go get him. Put that on ice, okay.

Weird.

Fuck.

Goddammit!

Jesus.

You see, you see that? They're like this... There fucking huge.

- Avoid everything here. It's bad. - Oh, poor baby.

I brought this for you.

I thought you might forget that.

- Don't put it through your hand. - I'm not gonna put it through my hand.

Kidding.

Can you do me a favor? Can you just warn that guy about the wasps?

They're just... I don't know. They're really making me nervous.

- 'Cause if he's... if he's allergic... - Sydney?

- Yeah. The guy with the Quasimodo. - Was he drunk?

I mean, I gave him a beer.

So it depends what his tolerance is. I mean, he did suck it down pretty good.

- Just remember these are our clients. - Yeah. Aye, aye captain.

Why do I... It's not the fucking White House, okay?

I mean, her husband was in the pharmaceutical business.

Some corporate drug dealer. They medicate the American population into fucking zombies.

- I don't need to respect that. - You should respect that we're doing a job.

Yes, you're right. Fuck.

- That looks terrible. - Yeah, it is terrible.

Do you wanna kiss it and make it better?

First aid's in the glove compartment. Okay. Next to that is a spare pair of pants.

You should put them on, one leg at a time. Alright?

And while you're at it... move the van to the back of the house.

Guests arrive in 25 minutes so, chop-chop!

Hey, Paul, I noticed that you put up all these lights.

Climbed that tree? 'Cause I know that I didn't get you a ladder.

Looks really nice. I'm really happy that you're here and you're helping me.

Look good.

Jesus...

Oh, my God. Little guy, you scared the shit out of me.

Percy.

Excuse me... Hi. Ms. Perch?

I'm sorry, I just, I couldn't help but admire your garden. It's beautiful.

You're the boy they've sent to tend bar.

It's Paul.

You remind me a bit of my late husband.

He was very fetching.

Why, I do believe I hear some guests arriving.

Well, I better get back to them.

Come along, Percy. Come along.

Yes, little boy. Come on.

Here we go.

- Thank you. - Cheers.

- Hi. What can I get you? - We'll have two reds.

Alright, coming right up. You two newlyweds?

Thank you.

- Would you like some? - No. Thank you.

Hello.

Enjoy.

It'll ruin my scotch.

Hello.

Hi. How are you? What can I get you?

Gin, with a splash of flat water, please.

That's a first for the night.

You enjoying the party so far?

I am. I am.

So, how do you know the family?

Oh, we are friends of them, my husband and I.

- Oh, your husband? - Almost divorced.

That's... that's sad.

You know.

Yeah.

Reminds me of a joke...

Let's save the punch line for later. Okay?

Okay.

Alright.

Anyway...

Having all the fun here in cougar town?

No, but seriously, do you need anything?

No, it's fine. I'm fine. Everything's good, actually.

Hey, Mr. Mayor. Everything, okay?

Yes. And this party needs an autopsy.

Oh, yeah, give me a double. No ice.

Who's responsible for these little piggy thingies?

This young lady right... What did I tell you?

It's... excuse my language the best fucking piggy thingies I've ever had in my life.

- Does everything taste okay? - Oh, they're delicious. Yeah.

- Do you have a card? - Yeah.

'Cause I'm gonna need someone for my... re-election party next month.

- Thank you. I'll call you. - We're keeping our fingers crossed.

For you.

- You two make a good pair. - Thank you. Thank you.

Hi, Ladies.

Have you tasted this? They have a whole tray of them up there.

Oh, my God.

This is disgusting.

You should really watch out. These fucking things are everywhere.

They're really fucking nasty. Just in case you're allergic or whatever.

You know what I'm allergic to?

- What? - You bumming me out.

Care for a little relief? I have a prescription from Dr. Greenthumb.

- Sweet party, dude. - Yeah. Yeah, it's not bad.

They're super rich, these people. So if you just keep your head down,

you know, they... I guess they tip well. That's what Julia says.

Julie, Julie. She's a hottie with a body?

She's not... she doesn't happen to be available, does she?

- I don't... I haven't asked her. - I totally get it, man!

- Hello. - Hi.

I'll have whatever you're making.

I like the way you hold that bottle.

Thank you. That guy was really creepy.

He looks like Ulysses S. Grant.

Thanks for the invite.

What?

Well, mother and I are certainly delighted you could...

all be here this evening to remember Dad.

These gatherings have... certainly become a tradition throughout the years.

Sorry, I didn't think you'd be so cool about it.

Yeah, well, you mean, everyone can smell it on you, so...

Sorry.

And so... everybody enjoy themselves and have a great time.

And stay as long as you'd like. And...

- Yeah. Yeah. - Thank you all for coming.

And for leaving the kids at home.

- Really. - It was funny.

Fucking shit...

You see that?

Help! Oh, God, help him!

I think something bit him!

- No, no. I couldn't possibly... - You're a doctor! Help him!

- I'm a gynecologist for Christ's sake! - What the hell is happening?

Oh, God, get away from him!

I got a cold compress!

Oh, my God! Alright, alright. Watch out!

Somebody call 911! For fuck's sake! Can you help me with this, sir?

- Yeah, I'll do the best I can. - Roll him onto the cloth.

One, two, tree.

Everybody get inside right now!

Get off. Get off me! Leave me! Leave me! Leave me alone!

Don't. Don't. No...

Jesus.

We're taking the party inside, mother.

- Come on home. - Oh, my God! What's happening?

Shit! Come on, come on.

Goddamn it!

Oh, my God.

What the f...

Oh, God.

Julia... Julia! Julia!

Oh, fuck.

Oh, my...

- Oh, my God. - Hey!

Get the fuck off him!

- Are you okay? Are you okay? - Yeah! No, no, no...

- Are you okay? - I'm going to find...

You two! Julia! Come on! Get in here!

Come on!

Let's go.

Guys, everyone is in the kitchen. Let's go! Come on!

What the hell just happened?

You made it.

I feel sick, Flora.

No, Mrs. Perch, you're okay. Everything's okay.

What are we gonna do now? What the hell just happened?

We just heard screams, and all the people were just...

- Those... those're bees. - They're not bees. Those are wasps.

Who gives a shit? Bees, wasps.

We spray for wasps, don't we, Sydney?

It was mania. It was hysteria. That's what it was.

- My puppy's out there. - Fuck the pooch, ma.

Who called 911?

Cell service is virtually non-existent out here.

But there's... there's a phone in the office.

What did they say when you called?

- You didn't call? - Are you all insane?

- Nobody called 911? - What am I supposed to say?

You say the mayor has been down. And that he can't retreat.

- Alright, listen, listen... Listen! - Then you see what happens.

We need to find out. Is anyone stung?

I got him before he got me.

Oh, God.

- Well, that's good. That's very good. - Just hurry.

- No, Mrs. Perch. It's okay. - Flora, it's not okay.

It's not... You people don't seem...

You don't seem to see how severe this is. You need medical attention, Mrs. Perch.

Everybody at your garden party needs medical attention.

We need to move from the kitchen to the front of the house so when the EMTs arrive

you can easily get into the ambulance. So why don't we do that?

I'd rather just stay here. But you will show them where we are.

- Okay. Can you please keep an eye on her? - Yeah, I will.

Sydney, can you help me find the fucking phone?

My heart is racing.

Sydney! You're just going to leave me?

Flora will take care of you, ma. She's at least good at that.

Hey, hey. I'm here.

You're fuckin' kid... What year is this?

- What? - What? What the fuck? Just...

Oh, my God!

Oh, fuck!

- Okay, the phone's not gonna work. - Oh, that's great.

That's fuckin'... Whoop-dee-doo!

Help me! Paul!

- How do I open the fuckin' window? - Need to open the door.

- How do we know that he hasn't been... - He's fine. He's right here. He's fine!

- We have to let him in! - Have you been stung?

No. No. I tried to help them. This is not my blood.

- Prove it! - Prove it? He's fucking...

Listen, go around back and I'll let you in.

Save me.

Fuck!

Oh, fuck. Oh, my...

Fuck!

Look out behind you.

Oh, my God!

- What are we gonna fucking do? - Get away... fuckin'!

Well...

that's that.

- That's that? - We could have saved him.

Want to let them suckers in here too? No thank you.

Can't we just go around back and go through the field and then just keep going?

That's the dumbest thing I've heard. Didn't you just see what happened to that guy?

- Do you have any better ideas? - Both of you guys, shut the fuck up!

Okay, little wasps follow us for fucking miles if they're pissed off.

Sydney, we need... we need a small area that we can barricade. Is there a cellar?

- A basement. What about the basement? - Basement?

- It's like a fortress, right? - You guys wanna hide?

- Yes! - Let's hide.

Yes. Wait, wait, wait! Sydney, wait!

We need to get everybody from the kitchen, together we need to travel...

Stop! Get away from her! We gotta get her out of here!

Help me grab her arm.

Mom!

What? You wanna kill me too now?

- Holy... - Mother...

Fucker!

Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Let's go.

Please. Help me.

Oh, great! What we gotta drag the Mexican around?

I'm from fucking Argentina, hijo de pu...

Fuck!

Flora. Flora. Flora.

Come on, let's go. Come on.

- Sydney, wait! Wait for us! - Come on. Come on.

- Come on. - They're inside. They're inside.

Open the door. Open the door.

Sydney, you gotta open the door!

- Right now! You must open the door! - Go! Go! Go!

You have to open the fucking door right now! Right now!

Go, go, go! Get inside! Get inside!

- Okay. They're gonna break through. - No, the door's to fire code standards.

Plus Mom hates it down here. She never comes to the basement.

- She's not a she anymore, Sydney. - Oh, I found it!

Fuck!

Oh, f...

Forgive my ever-loving mouth but what the fuck are we supposed to do now?

Anybody?

What a wonderful selection.

Those are vintage.

Really? I see that. It's a 1943 Bordeaux.

Excuse me. Hey.

I forgot my bottle opener upstairs.

Can you help me open this? Young man.

Yeah, actually. I have a trick.

You put the base in your shoe so the glass doesn't break.

What?

You've blood on your face.

It worked.

I could have saved my last marriage if I had a trick like that.

The dames must be dancing all over you.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm swimming in poontang as my friends like to call it.

Oh, God.

They're not dames anymore.

Thanks.

What?

I don't know. I think, you know...

You'd think she'd be grateful that I'm here. That I'm helping out.

I know she still treats me like an employee, even now.

You know...

She's holding up. She's just afraid.

- I am, too. - Yeah.

I shot myself.

No, I mean it. I shot myself.

Sorry.

Work of art right there.

It's not bad.

You're kidding, right? It looks like...

we're all taking a shit or something.

When my... when my pops died...

my ma could barely even look at that thing.

You said there were good times in your toast.

Good times...

They both hated me.

To Mom I was just a problem and...

to Dad I was just some freak he couldn't care.

And if there were good times, I... I wasn't invited.

You don't look so hot.

You know, all those people up there and...

- Just all of the... - I'm sorry...

about everything.

You know, I just realized if we all make it out of here alive...

there's a great chance I'm gonna get reelected

'cause I have a hell of a lot to say.

Yeah.

With all that going on out there...

How did you know what to do?

Oh, I don't know. I just...

I just did. I was a lifeguard for a couple summers. So, I guess it wore off.

That must have been a great gig.

Last week I was there, a little kid fell in the pool and I just...

Instinct jump in. Saved him. Got the water out of his lungs.

He was alive. He said thank you to me. You know, I put him in the ambulance.

And a week later, he died of pneumonia.

You know... saving people for what? My instinct for what?

I never expected that shrimp cocktails would sprout wings

and fucking eat people, it's just... God, I don't know.

I've seen atrocities. I was...

dug in with the ninth infantry.

Korea.

Saw thousands of bodies. Hundreds of thousands of bodies.

As far as the eye could see.

I thought I'd take those images to my grave.

Before I die.

You know what?

You really stood up.

Good work.

Expensive.

I know drinking on the job is a big no-no.

But when people start losing their limbs

and their eyeballs pop out of their face. I just, I find it... needed.

Well, I'd say we're off the clock.

Could you imagine the overtime?

I'm this close to a new oven in the kitchen.

I'd get an old VW bug.

Not to be ironic, but just to be cool.

And I would just drive...

the whole country, all fifty states.

- All fifty states? Even Hawaii? - Oh, God. Hawaii? First.

I mean, how're you gonna get there?

I... I would... air lift it, probably.

- It's gonna be a lot of money. - Well, that's why I need the overtime.

I know a joke.

Good for you. Just one?

Do you wanna hear it?

- Not really. - I'm gonna tell you.

Okay.

What is a bee's favorite movie?

That's a tough one.

No idea.

How the hell can all of this be happening?

Mutations.

What?

Mutations, the fertilizer for the garden...

came from God only knows where. But my mom...

You're kidding. Are you fucking kidding me?

My mom didn't like the stuff from the Garden Depot.

So I took my dad's leftover growth hormones and I mixed it with the fertilizer.

I'm sorry, you're saying that you... You spiced up some fertilizer?

And now we're sitting in a giant ball of wasp shit.

You're saying you knew? Those people are fucking dead because of you.

- I didn't know about the bugs. - What the fuck are you talking about?

They knocked the lights out. How do they know how to do that?

- What are they, electricians now? - There's a back-up generator.

We'll wait till the sun comes up. And then we'll make a run for it in the morning.

- We have to drive the hell out of here. - Where are the keys?

Keys, keys. God, I lost the fucking van keys.

Alright, I'm gonna retrace my steps.

I'm gonna find the keys to the van and we're gonna drive 'til we run out of gas.

No! I won't let you go alone.

Will you just shut the fuck up and trust me, please?

I'm the only one who goes.

Don't go out there. 'Cause the wasps will come in here and lay eggs in me.

How do I know when you'll be back?

You don't.

"Singing in the Rain."

The bee's favorite movie. I mean, I know it's a dead joke, but...

I like it, I don't know.

Close the windows behind me.

Oh, Jesus. Fuck me!

What the fuck am I doing? Okay, okay.

That young man has balls of steel.

To be a man you have to be a man.

Yeah.

If you don't mind, I'm gonna try that shoe trick again.

You alright?

Percy.

Percy.

God damn it. Percy...

What's the matter with you?

Get away!

The weenie. He got bit and didn't tell us.

Percy.

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, my God!

Oh, God. Oh... Oh, God! Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God!

Help us.

What is going on?

Alright.

Are you okay?

Did you find the keys?

Yes. Yes, I did.

- Is it still safe? - No, it's not.

We have to go through the house. Come on. Let's go.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Okay, come on.

Alright. Just gotta go.

No.

Okay.

I got this.

Damn it!

This stuff's harder than granite.

Shit.

Fuck!

I'll go.

Come on! Quick!

- Hold on! - Get out of here!

Goddamn it!

Kiss my ass!

Come on.

Fuck!

Fuck!

- They're nailed shut. - It's like fucking Fort Knox in here.

I don't wanna be here anymore. I wanna be at home.

I gotta feed my dia... my diabetic dog Ace.

Then I'm gonna take a bath, and I'm gonna go to bed.

That's what I need to do.

I need to sell my business.

I mean, nobody's gonna hire me after this. Are you kidding me?

I might need to get a new job.

As do I.

- You could be a good teacher. - Yeah?

Yeah. You'd have little boys giving you apples and flirting with you.

Oh, come on. I think you'd be a good janitor.

I would be a good janitor. I'm really good at cleaning.

Not really.

- Are we gonna work at the same school? - If it's in Hawaii.

- I'm down with that. I need to be warm. - I love being warm.

I like cuddling.

You know, you're a man. You're not supposed to admit that, right?

It's sexual. There's touching involved. Spooning. It's fu... What? Fuck you.

You wish.

- Do you like making out? - The...

God dammit!

Come on. Help me, help me.

Help me flip this.

Stop.

Stop, stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

It's dead! It's dead! It's dead. Are you okay?

Look at me. Are you okay?

Come on.

We need to go.

Go, go, go, go.

No!

No.

No! No!

No!

You got a little something there? Wake up.

There you go.

How you doing?

Somebody's got an ouchie.

- No! - Got to have you strong and healthy.

I wanna get that out.

Ouchie.

Mother's been waiting for you.

We've all been waiting for you.

Look at her. Look at her.

She wants you. She picked you.

Sydney, fucking...

You're gonna be my new daddy.

Sydney, fucking stop it!

Please, please stop it.

Stop and think for yourself, man. She's fucking using you.

I know you can fucking hear me. Just listen, just stop, please.

Seriously, I need your help.

Mother wants you.

Fuck your mom, Sydney.

Everything's gonna be alright. Come on, now.

Come on.

Fuck you! Fuck you!

Back off!

Come on.

You fuck.

What you gonna do now, you old bitch?

What are you gonna do now?

Come on.

Get up. Come on.

- Are you okay to drive? - I think so.

The whole fucking nest is coming.

Good.

Come on!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

- Are you alright? - Fine.

- What? - I'm okay!

Holy fucking shit!

That's one way to do it.

- Get out of the car. - No.

- Get out of the fucking car! - Fuck you!

Alright. Here we go!

Alright.

Julia, are you okay?

Julia?

Julia?

Julia!

Fuck!

Julia!

Julia, wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up! Wake up!

We fucking made it out! You're not gonna die! Wake up!

Wake up! Wake up!

Wake up.

Are you okay?

- Yeah. - Fuck you.

Scared the shit out of me.

Looks like we got a possible 10...

Please, sir, we are gonna get a...

Hey! What do you make of this?