Original subtitles

So, to answer your question, one of the key elements

to anger management is hydration.

Which is why I have here coconut water,

Gatorade, and...

Advil, as a bonus.

You're just hung over, aren't you?

Absolutely not.

There's no way I can stomach this without rum.

You know, I feel too good for therapy today.

When I was driving here, I realized

how lucky I am to be alive.

Ed, when you're behind the wheel,

everyone's lucky to be alive.

( Laughs ) That's funny

because, uh, it's true.

Why are you in such a good mood, Ed?

Well, this is the first month anniversary

that my wife and I got back together.

Hey, yesterday was our one month anniversary, too.

Well, I'm happy that you're all in relationships

while I am single and alone.

I'm not in a relationship.

Then it's you and me.

Single and alone.

Oh, no, no, I didn't say I was alone.

I'm seeing this new girl and we're going on our third date tonight.

And this isn't really helping, is it?

( Whispers ) No, it's not.

Hey, Patrick, I got the perfect guy for you.

Oh, no, it's okay, Nolan.

No, he's amazing.

He's really handsome and rich and funny.

That's great, Nolan. Is he gay?

Oh.

Well, it's the thought that counts, Nolan.

Which is why that didn't count.

See y'all next Monday.

- Hey. - Hey.

I couldn't help but overhear what you were talking about in group.

Well, you could help it if you were at your own house.

So, who's this girl?

Her name's Ashley and she's a super successful matchmaker.

- Hmm. - You know Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie?

- Yeah. - She thinks they're a perfect couple.

( Knock at door ) Oh, that's her.

- Hey, Charlie. - Hey, Ashley.

This is my friend Sean.

- Hey. How are you? - Hi.

You're the, uh... you're the matchmaker, right?

- Mm-hmm. - Just want you to know that

this six-foot-tall Virgo who likes bowling

and tantric sex is very impressed.

Let me guess, you want me to set you up.

No, no, he's just really awkward at introductions.

You know what? Let me give you my card.

Go on the website, fill out the questionnaire,

- and we'll chat later. - This is great.

You know, I used to be the kind of guy that

just wanted a big pair of boobs, you know?

But now I've evolved into someone

who wants a woman with a real rockin' ass.

And it has been a joy to watch you grow.

( Sighs )

When Sean fills out his profile and the questionnaire,

is there a box he can check for

high-functioning, social doofus?

You know, there actually used to be,

but the people who needed to check it could never find it.

Well, good luck matching him up with somebody perfect.

Actually, I think I found somebody perfect for you.

But I'm dating you.

Either you're super cool or we got a problem.

Look, I really like you, but come on,

I'm a professional matchmaker.

I know when a relationship doesn't have a future.

It really felt like we were building something together.

I thought by this time next year you and I would be...

yeah, you know what? You're right. What you got?

Anger Management 2x86 Charlie Meets his Match

What you got there, Jordan?

I don't know. I don't remember

ordering anything, but it's kind of exciting.

I just love sending things to people who don't expect it.

They're sitting there thinking, "Ooh, what's this?"

Then they open it and, boom, it's a human foot.

Ernesto, would you mind opening this?

Oh, I wouldn't send anything bad to you, Miss Jordan.

Maybe a squirrel heart for Valentine's Day,

but then again, I'm a romantic.

( Laughs ) Are these bunny pajamas?

I forgot I ordered those for me and Sean

for our six month anniversary, which would've been tomorrow.

So this is the kind of stuff you get for your boyfriend?

I can't imagine why it didn't last.

Hey, don't make fun.

That relationship meant a lot to me.

We called each other "honey bunny."

Miss Denby, if it were me,

I'd be proud to be your honey bunny.

And to prove it,

I'd send you an entire sack of fresh bunny hearts.

Okay.

I got some bad news, guys.

Our opening of "Romeo and Juliet" tomorrow

is in great peril.

Pete bowed out of playing the role of Juliet.

- What happened? - He dead.

Wow, where are you gonna find a Juliet by tomorrow?

Yeah, it's a tough role.

What's here?

A cup closed in my true love's hand?

Poison, I see, has been his timeless end.

You know the role of Juliet?

I played Juliet in high school.

I know the whole thing by heart.

I know who could do it.

That big Ukrainian guy, the one with the beard.

No, I was talking about me.

- I can do it. - Why you wanna be in a prison play?

Because I miss the stage.

I miss the validation of complete strangers,

even if they are the worst that humanity has to offer.

How dare you?!

We have our Juliet.

I mean, your matchmaker is good, right? This girl's gonna be hot?

Well, if not, then we'll just do the right thing.

Fake appendicitis and sneak out the bathroom window.

No, Squiggy.

We'll make polite conversation and hope for an emotional connection.

If that doesn't work, then we'll fake

food poisoning and go shoot some pool.

Excuse me, are you Charlie and Sean?

Yes, I'm Charlie and he's Sean.

And we do not have appendicitis.

- I'm Marissa. - I'm Eva.

Well, hi. You two know each other?

Oh, no, we just met outside.

I was telling her that I don't normally go to matchmakers.

I've just been so busy lately with grad school.

Well, that's awesome. What school do you go to?

I got my BA from Stanford

and now I'm doing my neuroscience master's at UCLA.

I'm almost done with my thesis.

What about you, Eva?

I think you can learn more from life

than you can from school

because in life there's TV.

So true.

So the email from Ashley says that Sean's my date,

so I guess we should go get to know each other.

Yeah, we should. Let's do it, Stanford.

( Laughs )

Hey, now, wait, wait, wait. What?

So, uh...

I guess it's, uh... it's you and me, huh?

My dog's name is Kitty.

Okay... ( Laughing )

I don't like Christmas

because it reminds me of my ex-boyfriend Chris who's a mess.

So I started writing it as "x-mas."

But that just made me think about him even more

because he's my ex and he's a mess.

I can totally relate.

I don't like Thanksgiving.

I once dated a girl named Thanks

and she wasn't very giving.

Would you excuse me for a second?

Why don't you get yourself a glass of wine?

They have a great Merlot here.

Look, it's the first date

and I don't want to embarrass you,

but it's pronounced "Mer-lot."

Thank you.

I got your text, Charlie. What's the emergency?

All right, look, two girls showed up

and Sean is in there with the smart one

and mine thinks a tangerine is a musical instrument.

As in "Hey! Mr. Tangerine Man."

Well, that is why I picked her for Sean,

who said that the historical figure he admires most

is Batman.

I knew it. I knew you picked Marissa for me.

Would you please go talk to Sean and straighten it out?

What do you want me to do?

You want me to go in there and tell him

while he's on his date that he's dumb

and therefore he should be with the dumb girl?

Yes!

You figure it out.

I'm not the one who called myself

"problem solver" on the questionnaire.

Charlie, why are you standing out here by yourself?

Are you embarrassed about the "Mer-lot" thing?

I've said dumb things before, too.

Really? You?

Yeah, and it's not the end of America.

O God, she comes. O honey Nurse, what news?

What says he of our marriage? What of that?

Lord, how my head aches.

It beats as if it would fall into 20 pieces.

You know what? This isn't funny.

Hey, Cleo.

What if the nurse has a funny joke in every single line?

You can't just add jokes to Shakespeare.

Sure, you can. Watch.

What light from yonder window breaks?

It's a searchlight. Get down! ( Laughs )

Ooh, that's funny. That's crazy.

Cleo, will you please tell him to be serious?

Ernesto, act better, stupid.

I will kick your ass.

I did all I could.

We have creative differences.

Can we just do a scene with Romeo, please?

( Snaps ) Romeo.

Act three, scene five.

And... ( Snaps )

go.

If they do see thee, they will murder thee.

Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye

than 20 of their swords.

Look thou but sweet,

and I am proof against their enmity.

Hey, funny nurse,

that's how you act.

All right, Jerry, let's go.

We searched your cell, we found everything.

The cell phone, the weed, the cocaine.

- I was holding it for a friend. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, wait...

Oh, Romeo.

- Hey, guys. - Wayne, can you play Romeo?

- Real men don't act. - You get to kiss Jordan.

To be or not to be?

- Hey. - Hey.

So how's it going with you guys?

Great.

Marissa is amazing.

- How's Eva? - She's hot.

Not only is she hot, I'll tell you what else she is.

She's...

right over there.

( Sighs ) That's awesome.

Dude, your matchmaker really hooked us up.

Yeah, well, here's the funny part.

I just talked to Ashley and it turns out

that I'm supposed to be with Marissa

and you're supposed to be with Eva.

How funny is that?

But I'm having a great time with Marissa.

I think our matchmaker knows better about

who you're gonna have a great time with than you do.

What you trying to say, Charlie?

Nothing, I just think it makes more sense

for me to be with Marissa.

- Why? - I don't know, because Marissa's educated,

I'm educated.

Are you saying that you're smarter than me?

No, no, I'm not saying that.

'Cause I'll tell you something,

respect to your education, I think I'm smarter than you.

Okay, well, that proves that you're not

'cause that's about the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

And I know. I have heard a lot of dumb stuff tonight.

Well, Marissa thinks that I'm smart.

She says that I have an interesting way of seeing the world.

That's what smart people say to dumb people.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is. I just said that to Eva 30 seconds ago.

Well, you know what?

You have a very interesting way of seeing the world.

You can't just repeat it.

Someone has to say something dumb first.

- Like what? - Oh, gee, I don't know.

I'll bet ceiling fans get dizzy.

Huh. You have a very interesting way of seeing the world.

I win.

- Charlie. - Marissa, hey.

- How are you? - I'm good.

How are things with you and Eva?

I had to show her the door.

Literally. She couldn't find it.

( Laughs )

( Disco music playing )

I'm sorry. That's my phone.

I love disco music. Oi-Oi!

Okay, well, take it easy.

- I'm just kidding. - ( Laughs ) Oh, my...

So, what about you and Sean?

I've been texting him and calling him,

but I haven't heard back from him since that night at the bar.

Well, it didn't really work out.

We kinda ran out of things to talk about.

- When did that happen? - That night at the bar.

So I guess we're both unattached, huh?

( Laughs ) Yeah.

You know, I did think that you and I were the ones

the matchmaker should have put together.

She did,

but there was a mix-up and Sean didn't want to switch

and then somehow he got this idea

that I think he's dumb.

Well, Sean told me you called him dumb right to his face.

Oh, that must have been how he got the idea.

So why don't we go out?

You know? The perfect match gets a second chance.

Absolutely. It'd be a great story to tell the kids

that neither one of us wants to have.

( Laughs ) Oh, my gosh.

What on earth did you and Eva talk about?

- String theory. - Really?

Yes, I had a theory that she could be entertained

by a piece of string.

And my theory was correct.

( Laughs )

And... ( Snaps )

go.

Romeo, Romeo!

Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

What the hell are you doing?

Mm-mm, that is not the line.

I just wanted to demonstrate to you that if it were me,

I would not be adverse to don a bunny suit

to curry your favor.

Look, I stayed quiet

when Mercutio forgot his own name.

I stayed in character

when Lady Capulet adjusted her junk!

But this has gone too far.

I am a professional amateur actress!

That is not a thing.

Hey, if you wanna embarrass yourselves

up there on those pushed-together cafeteria tables,

go for it, but I am not gonna risk my reputation

with a group of people who don't respect the craft

and draw dogs on my script pages!

That was Wayne, but we're sorry.

We have the opportunity

to do something special here.

We can change the lives of prisoners

that are forced to watch us.

Now who is with me?!

- I'm with you! - Yeah!

I didn't understand none of that, but okay.

Thank you.

You got a bag of ice back there?

I think I might be getting punched in the face.

This about a girl?

I'm about to tell Sean that I, uh,

am gonna be seeing a girl that he used to date.

Whatever happened to "bros before hos"?

Well, in my defense, it rhymes backwards, too.

Well, you wanted to talk to your dumb friend,

so here I am.

Better make it quick. I have a tutor coming over

to work with me on my shapes and colors.

Look, I...

What is that for?

What?

Where do you buy your ice?

Look, first of all,

I just wanna say that I don't think you're dumb.

I don't honestly care if you think that I'm dumb

because Marissa thinks I'm smart,

and that is why she's still going out with me.

( Chuckles ) Oh, is she?

Yeah, she is.

She can't get enough of me and the smart things that we do.

- We go to the museums and, um... - Symphonies?

The symphony the other night

and, uh... what else is there?

- The theater. - Theater.

We saw that... we saw that thing

with the... the... the singing witch.

So you're really going out with her

and doing all these things?

Yeah, so...

you wanted to tell me something?

I just want to say that...

I'm glad you found someone that you really like

and we should grab a beer sometime.

Why don't we grab a beer right now?

I'm not doing anything with Marissa tonight.

Oh, yeah, no, I can't.

- I... I have a date. - She as smart and sexy as Marissa?

I'd say she's pretty damn close.

Ooh, they're in! They're in!

We got our reviews.

And this is what the "Prison Times" had to say.

"Unless you've been locked in solitary for the last three weeks,"

you know that last night was the premiere

of 'Romeo and Juliet.'

It's this reviewer's opinion

that this was the best production

since the Aryan Brotherhood

"put on their revival of 'Fiddler.'"

That's highest praise.

Swastika Dan played an amazing Motel the tailor.

And that's it.

Uh, that's... that's where the review es.

Really? There's nothing about the acting?

Oh, you don't wanna read th... oh, oh.

- Damn. - "The only thing stopping the play"

from being truly transcendent

was the gentleman in the cheap wig who played Juliet.

We've seen our share of violence in this prison,

but nothing quite this savage and brutal.

We were all artistically raped last night.

I encourage anybody who attended to find this actor

"and give him a stabbing ovation."

They're just jealous, Jordan.

You were brilliant.

You know what? I don't care.

I don't do it for the reviews.

I do it for the love of theater.

I was a part of something bigger

and it was wonderful.

You're right.

And the good news is is they're letting us

do "Antony and Cleopatra" next.

I played Cleopatra in college.

Oh, then you've already done it.

You'd just be bored.

I know the guy who writes the reviews.

He's gonna get a visit from your honey bunny.

Wayne, do not hurt him.

( Sighs )

You can scare him a little.

Consider it done.

Okay, now let's consider

Eleanor Roosevelt, Emily Dickinson,

and Amelia Earhart. ( Sighs )

Wow, those are all amazing women.

I guess I would kill Eleanor Roosevelt...

I would boink Emily Dickinson,

and I would marry Amelia Earhart.

Well, spoken like someone

who's never seen a picture of Emily Dickinson.

Sean: Charlie, you around?

Oh, crap, it's Sean.

Look, we're gonna have to deal with this eventually.

Let's just do it now.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It'll just ruin the night.

You know, we can just tell him another time.

Just get rid of him, okay?

Hey, you have a laser level I can borrow?

I'm hanging a painting that Marissa and I bought at an art gallery.

It's what we do now. We buy art.

The painting's ironic and hopeful,

so it's gotta be, you know, level.

Yeah, you don't want the sailboats going downhill.

I'll go get it for you.

You don't believe that Marissa's seeing me.

Do you? You know what?

I'm gonna call her and you can talk to her.

Oh, come on, don't do this to yourself.

You're just gonna dial some random number.

Nope, I'm calling her.

Okay, say hi to the pizza guy for me.

( Disco music playing )

Are you kidding me? You're actually calling her?

( Music stops ) Yeah, why is she in your bathroom?

- Because we're dating. - No, you're not.

- We're dating. - No, you're not.

She broke up with you, you dumb-ass.

She is still seeing me, you dumb-ass.

- Don't call me a dumb-ass. You're a dumb-ass. - Really?

- You're a dumb-ass. - No, you are a dumb-ass.

Hey, guys, guys. Stop fighting.

Okay? I can explain everything.

Yeah, great.

What is going on?

I mean, do I really have to spell it out for you?

Okay, well, we don't have time for you to write it down,

so tell us.

- She's two-timing us. - She is two-timing us!

We got that at the same time.

( Sighs ) Okay, okay. Look, look.

I have a really hard time making decisions,

and you guys are both great for different reasons.

Gosh, I should go. I'm really sorry, guys.

Okay, we're both as smart as each other, though, right?

Yeah, yeah, we're both as dumb as each other.

We both got played by that woman.

( Sighs )

Look, man, I'm really sorry about what I said earlier.

Nah, it's fine. Don't worry about it.

I'm probably sensitive about my...

lack of education.

Not going to college has always been my "R. Kelly's" heel.

Did you just say "R. Kelly's" heel?

Yeah, I mean, young girls are his

and college has always been mine.

I'll allow it.

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