1
00:00:01,273 --> 00:00:04,848
So, to answer your question,
one of the key elements

2
00:00:04,888 --> 00:00:08,004
to anger management is hydration.

3
00:00:08,482 --> 00:00:11,166
Which is why I have here coconut water,

4
00:00:11,221 --> 00:00:13,439
Gatorade, and...

5
00:00:13,503 --> 00:00:15,503
Advil, as a bonus.

6
00:00:15,900 --> 00:00:17,900
You're just hung over, aren't you?

7
00:00:17,957 --> 00:00:19,358
Absolutely not.

8
00:00:23,245 --> 00:00:26,080
There's no way I can
stomach this without rum.

9
00:00:26,148 --> 00:00:28,783
You know, I feel too good
for therapy today.

10
00:00:28,850 --> 00:00:30,810
When I was driving here, I realized

11
00:00:30,819 --> 00:00:33,354
how lucky I am to be alive.

12
00:00:33,421 --> 00:00:35,089
Ed, when you're behind the wheel,

13
00:00:35,157 --> 00:00:37,491
everyone's lucky to be alive.

14
00:00:37,559 --> 00:00:39,393
( Laughs )
That's funny

15
00:00:39,461 --> 00:00:41,428
because, uh, it's true.

16
00:00:42,541 --> 00:00:44,541
Why are you in such a good mood, Ed?

17
00:00:44,566 --> 00:00:46,686
Well, this is the first month
anniversary

18
00:00:46,701 --> 00:00:48,702
that my wife and I got back together.

19
00:00:48,770 --> 00:00:51,839
Hey, yesterday was our
one month anniversary, too.

20
00:00:51,907 --> 00:00:53,974
Well, I'm happy that
you're all in relationships

21
00:00:54,042 --> 00:00:55,609
while I am single and alone.

22
00:00:55,677 --> 00:00:57,711
I'm not in a relationship.

23
00:00:57,779 --> 00:00:59,480
Then it's you and me.

24
00:00:59,548 --> 00:01:01,749
Single and alone.

25
00:01:01,817 --> 00:01:03,684
Oh, no, no, I didn't say I was alone.

26
00:01:03,752 --> 00:01:06,253
I'm seeing this new girl and we're
going on our third date tonight.

27
00:01:06,321 --> 00:01:08,856
And this isn't really helping, is it?

28
00:01:08,924 --> 00:01:10,725
( Whispers )
No, it's not.

29
00:01:11,555 --> 00:01:13,716
Hey, Patrick, I got
the perfect guy for you.

30
00:01:13,757 --> 00:01:15,324
Oh, no, it's okay, Nolan.

31
00:01:15,392 --> 00:01:17,360
No, he's amazing.

32
00:01:17,428 --> 00:01:20,797
He's really handsome and rich and funny.

33
00:01:20,864 --> 00:01:23,299
That's great, Nolan. Is he gay?

34
00:01:23,367 --> 00:01:25,601
Oh.

35
00:01:25,669 --> 00:01:27,437
Well, it's the thought
that counts, Nolan.

36
00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:29,038
Which is why that didn't count.

37
00:01:29,106 --> 00:01:31,474
See y'all next Monday.

38
00:01:35,979 --> 00:01:37,747
- Hey.
- Hey.

39
00:01:37,815 --> 00:01:40,049
I couldn't help but overhear what
you were talking about in group.

40
00:01:40,117 --> 00:01:43,820
Well, you could help it
if you were at your own house.

41
00:01:43,887 --> 00:01:45,655
So, who's this girl?

42
00:01:45,723 --> 00:01:48,558
Her name's Ashley and she's
a super successful matchmaker.

43
00:01:48,625 --> 00:01:50,626
- Hmm.
- You know Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie?

44
00:01:50,694 --> 00:01:54,330
- Yeah.
- She thinks they're a perfect couple.

45
00:01:54,398 --> 00:01:56,766
( Knock at door )
Oh, that's her.

46
00:01:59,803 --> 00:02:01,971
- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey, Ashley.

47
00:02:02,039 --> 00:02:03,673
This is my friend Sean.

48
00:02:03,741 --> 00:02:05,575
- Hey. How are you?
- Hi.

49
00:02:05,642 --> 00:02:07,310
You're the, uh... you're
the matchmaker, right?

50
00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:09,512
- Mm-hmm.
- Just want you to know that

51
00:02:09,580 --> 00:02:11,914
this six-foot-tall Virgo
who likes bowling

52
00:02:11,982 --> 00:02:14,422
and tantric sex is very impressed.

53
00:02:14,451 --> 00:02:17,086
Let me guess, you want me to set you up.

54
00:02:17,154 --> 00:02:19,889
No, no, he's just really
awkward at introductions.

55
00:02:19,957 --> 00:02:23,025
You know what? Let me give you my card.

56
00:02:23,093 --> 00:02:25,027
Go on the website,
fill out the questionnaire,

57
00:02:25,095 --> 00:02:26,829
- and we'll chat later.
- This is great.

58
00:02:26,897 --> 00:02:28,631
You know, I used to be
the kind of guy that

59
00:02:28,699 --> 00:02:31,501
just wanted a big pair
of boobs, you know?

60
00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:33,369
But now I've evolved into someone

61
00:02:33,437 --> 00:02:36,873
who wants a woman
with a real rockin' ass.

62
00:02:38,242 --> 00:02:41,110
And it has been a joy to watch you grow.

63
00:02:44,114 --> 00:02:46,082
( Sighs )

64
00:02:46,150 --> 00:02:48,718
When Sean fills out his profile
and the questionnaire,

65
00:02:48,786 --> 00:02:50,887
is there a box he can check for

66
00:02:50,954 --> 00:02:54,123
high-functioning, social doofus?

67
00:02:54,191 --> 00:02:55,725
You know, there actually used to be,

68
00:02:55,793 --> 00:02:58,074
but the people who needed to
check it could never find it.

69
00:02:59,163 --> 00:03:01,464
Well, good luck matching him
up with somebody perfect.

70
00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:06,435
Actually, I think I found
somebody perfect for you.

71
00:03:06,503 --> 00:03:08,571
But I'm dating you.

72
00:03:08,639 --> 00:03:12,108
Either you're super cool
or we got a problem.

73
00:03:12,176 --> 00:03:14,510
Look, I really like you, but come on,

74
00:03:14,578 --> 00:03:15,878
I'm a professional matchmaker.

75
00:03:15,946 --> 00:03:17,780
I know when a relationship
doesn't have a future.

76
00:03:17,848 --> 00:03:21,117
It really felt like we were
building something together.

77
00:03:21,185 --> 00:03:24,053
I thought by this time next
year you and I would be...

78
00:03:24,121 --> 00:03:26,001
yeah, you know what? You're right.
What you got?

79
00:03:27,224 --> 00:03:29,125
<i>Anger Management 2x86</i>
Charlie Meets his Match

80
00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:34,773
What you got there, Jordan?

81
00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:36,132
I don't know. I don't remember

82
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,401
ordering anything,
but it's kind of exciting.

83
00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:40,903
I just love sending things
to people who don't expect it.

84
00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:43,206
They're sitting there thinking,
"Ooh, what's this?"

85
00:03:43,273 --> 00:03:46,108
Then they open it and, boom,
it's a human foot.

86
00:03:47,348 --> 00:03:49,388
Ernesto, would you mind opening this?

87
00:03:49,413 --> 00:03:52,381
Oh, I wouldn't send anything
bad to you, Miss Jordan.

88
00:03:52,449 --> 00:03:54,851
Maybe a squirrel heart
for Valentine's Day,

89
00:03:54,918 --> 00:03:57,553
but then again, I'm a romantic.

90
00:03:57,621 --> 00:03:59,956
( Laughs )
Are these bunny pajamas?

91
00:04:00,023 --> 00:04:02,391
I forgot I ordered those for me and Sean

92
00:04:02,459 --> 00:04:05,261
for our six month anniversary,
which would've been tomorrow.

93
00:04:05,329 --> 00:04:07,897
So this is the kind of stuff
you get for your boyfriend?

94
00:04:07,965 --> 00:04:10,733
I can't imagine why it didn't last.

95
00:04:10,801 --> 00:04:13,002
Hey, don't make fun.

96
00:04:13,070 --> 00:04:15,204
That relationship meant a lot to me.

97
00:04:15,272 --> 00:04:16,839
We called each other "honey bunny."

98
00:04:16,907 --> 00:04:18,841
Miss Denby, if it were me,

99
00:04:18,909 --> 00:04:20,409
I'd be proud to be your honey bunny.

100
00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:21,844
<i>And to prove it,</i>

101
00:04:21,912 --> 00:04:25,548
I'd send you an entire sack
of fresh bunny hearts.

102
00:04:25,616 --> 00:04:27,617
Okay.

103
00:04:29,119 --> 00:04:31,153
I got some bad news, guys.

104
00:04:31,221 --> 00:04:33,256
Our opening of
"Romeo and Juliet" tomorrow

105
00:04:33,323 --> 00:04:34,690
is in great peril.

106
00:04:34,758 --> 00:04:36,959
Pete bowed out of playing
the role of Juliet.

107
00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:39,295
- What happened?
- He dead.

108
00:04:40,964 --> 00:04:43,766
Wow, where are you gonna
find a Juliet by tomorrow?

109
00:04:43,834 --> 00:04:45,835
Yeah, it's a tough role.

110
00:04:45,903 --> 00:04:47,236
What's here?

111
00:04:47,304 --> 00:04:50,072
A cup closed in my true love's hand?

112
00:04:50,140 --> 00:04:53,242
Poison, I see,
has been his timeless end.

113
00:04:55,329 --> 00:04:57,289
You know the role of Juliet?

114
00:04:57,314 --> 00:04:58,648
I played Juliet in high school.

115
00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:00,683
I know the whole thing by heart.

116
00:05:00,751 --> 00:05:02,118
I know who could do it.

117
00:05:02,185 --> 00:05:05,354
That big Ukrainian guy,
the one with the beard.

118
00:05:05,422 --> 00:05:08,286
No, I was talking about me.

119
00:05:08,354 --> 00:05:10,756
- I can do it.
- Why you wanna be in a prison play?

120
00:05:10,823 --> 00:05:13,258
Because I miss the stage.

121
00:05:13,326 --> 00:05:15,594
I miss the validation
of complete strangers,

122
00:05:15,661 --> 00:05:19,531
even if they are the worst
that humanity has to offer.

123
00:05:19,599 --> 00:05:21,700
How dare you?!

124
00:05:21,768 --> 00:05:23,835
We have our Juliet.

125
00:05:25,856 --> 00:05:28,416
I mean, your matchmaker is good, right?
This girl's gonna be hot?

126
00:05:28,441 --> 00:05:30,542
Well, if not, then we'll
just do the right thing.

127
00:05:30,610 --> 00:05:33,779
Fake appendicitis and sneak
out the bathroom window.

128
00:05:33,846 --> 00:05:36,214
No, Squiggy.

129
00:05:36,282 --> 00:05:38,617
We'll make polite conversation and
hope for an emotional connection.

130
00:05:38,684 --> 00:05:41,052
If that doesn't work, then we'll fake

131
00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:43,321
food poisoning and go shoot some pool.

132
00:05:43,322 --> 00:05:46,391
Excuse me, are you Charlie and Sean?

133
00:05:46,459 --> 00:05:48,727
Yes, I'm Charlie and he's Sean.

134
00:05:48,795 --> 00:05:51,196
And we do not have appendicitis.

135
00:05:51,264 --> 00:05:54,399
- I'm Marissa.
- I'm Eva.

136
00:05:54,467 --> 00:05:56,268
Well, hi. You two know each other?

137
00:05:56,335 --> 00:05:58,303
Oh, no, we just met outside.

138
00:05:58,371 --> 00:06:00,872
I was telling her that I don't
normally go to matchmakers.

139
00:06:00,940 --> 00:06:02,941
I've just been so busy
lately with grad school.

140
00:06:03,009 --> 00:06:05,110
Well, that's awesome.
What school do you go to?

141
00:06:05,178 --> 00:06:06,845
I got my BA from Stanford

142
00:06:06,913 --> 00:06:10,081
and now I'm doing my
neuroscience master's at UCLA.

143
00:06:10,149 --> 00:06:11,750
I'm almost done with my thesis.

144
00:06:11,818 --> 00:06:13,084
What about you, Eva?

145
00:06:13,152 --> 00:06:15,086
I think you can learn more from life

146
00:06:15,154 --> 00:06:16,655
than you can from school

147
00:06:16,722 --> 00:06:20,058
because in life there's TV.

148
00:06:20,126 --> 00:06:22,994
So true.

149
00:06:23,062 --> 00:06:26,031
So the email from Ashley
says that Sean's my date,

150
00:06:26,098 --> 00:06:28,099
so I guess we should
go get to know each other.

151
00:06:28,167 --> 00:06:30,035
Yeah, we should. Let's do it, Stanford.

152
00:06:30,102 --> 00:06:31,403
( Laughs )

153
00:06:31,470 --> 00:06:32,791
Hey, now, wait, wait, wait. What?

154
00:06:35,842 --> 00:06:37,442
So, uh...

155
00:06:37,510 --> 00:06:39,778
I guess it's, uh... it's you and me, huh?

156
00:06:39,846 --> 00:06:42,614
My dog's name is Kitty.

157
00:06:49,941 --> 00:06:51,581
Okay...
( Laughing )

158
00:06:53,611 --> 00:06:55,412
I don't like Christmas

159
00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:59,283
because it reminds me of my
ex-boyfriend Chris who's a mess.

160
00:06:59,350 --> 00:07:04,254
So I started writing it as "x-mas."

161
00:07:04,322 --> 00:07:06,356
But that just made me
think about him even more

162
00:07:06,424 --> 00:07:09,560
because he's my ex and he's a mess.

163
00:07:09,627 --> 00:07:12,129
I can totally relate.

164
00:07:12,196 --> 00:07:13,997
I don't like Thanksgiving.

165
00:07:14,065 --> 00:07:15,933
I once dated a girl named Thanks

166
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:19,169
and she wasn't very giving.

167
00:07:21,306 --> 00:07:22,739
Would you excuse me for a second?

168
00:07:22,807 --> 00:07:24,775
Why don't you get yourself
a glass of wine?

169
00:07:24,842 --> 00:07:26,877
They have a great Merlot here.

170
00:07:26,945 --> 00:07:28,946
Look, it's the first date

171
00:07:29,013 --> 00:07:31,053
and I don't want to embarrass you,

172
00:07:31,115 --> 00:07:34,051
but it's pronounced "Mer-lot."

173
00:07:34,118 --> 00:07:36,053
Thank you.

174
00:07:40,892 --> 00:07:43,460
I got your text, Charlie.
What's the emergency?

175
00:07:43,528 --> 00:07:45,596
All right, look, two girls showed up

176
00:07:45,663 --> 00:07:47,531
and Sean is in there with the smart one

177
00:07:47,599 --> 00:07:52,169
and mine thinks a tangerine
is a musical instrument.

178
00:07:52,236 --> 00:07:55,272
As in "Hey! Mr. Tangerine Man."

179
00:07:55,340 --> 00:07:58,275
Well, that is why I picked her for Sean,

180
00:07:58,343 --> 00:08:00,944
who said that the historical
figure he admires most

181
00:08:01,012 --> 00:08:02,179
is Batman.

182
00:08:02,246 --> 00:08:04,848
I knew it. I knew you
picked Marissa for me.

183
00:08:04,916 --> 00:08:06,717
Would you please go talk
to Sean and straighten it out?

184
00:08:06,784 --> 00:08:07,918
What do you want me to do?

185
00:08:07,986 --> 00:08:09,186
You want me to go in there and tell him

186
00:08:09,253 --> 00:08:10,754
while he's on his date that he's dumb

187
00:08:10,822 --> 00:08:12,623
and therefore he should be
with the dumb girl?

188
00:08:12,657 --> 00:08:15,425
Yes!

189
00:08:15,493 --> 00:08:16,827
You figure it out.

190
00:08:16,894 --> 00:08:18,061
I'm not the one who called myself

191
00:08:18,129 --> 00:08:20,489
"problem solver" on the questionnaire.

192
00:08:22,967 --> 00:08:27,070
Charlie, why are you standing
out here by yourself?

193
00:08:27,138 --> 00:08:29,206
Are you embarrassed
about the "Mer-lot" thing?

194
00:08:29,273 --> 00:08:31,575
I've said dumb things before, too.

195
00:08:31,643 --> 00:08:35,145
Really? You?

196
00:08:35,213 --> 00:08:38,715
Yeah, and it's not the end of America.

197
00:08:40,885 --> 00:08:44,287
O God, she comes. O
honey Nurse, what news?

198
00:08:44,355 --> 00:08:46,723
What says he of our marriage?
What of that?

199
00:08:46,791 --> 00:08:48,792
Lord, how my head aches.

200
00:08:48,860 --> 00:08:52,763
It beats as if it would
fall into 20 pieces.

201
00:08:52,830 --> 00:08:54,564
You know what? This isn't funny.

202
00:08:54,632 --> 00:08:56,400
Hey, Cleo.

203
00:08:56,467 --> 00:08:59,269
What if the nurse has a funny
joke in every single line?

204
00:08:59,337 --> 00:09:01,937
You can't just add jokes to Shakespeare.

205
00:09:01,939 --> 00:09:03,707
Sure, you can. Watch.

206
00:09:03,775 --> 00:09:07,010
What light from yonder window breaks?

207
00:09:07,078 --> 00:09:09,980
It's a searchlight. Get down!
( Laughs )

208
00:09:10,048 --> 00:09:12,182
Ooh, that's funny. That's crazy.

209
00:09:15,486 --> 00:09:17,566
Cleo, will you please
tell him to be serious?

210
00:09:18,990 --> 00:09:21,458
Ernesto, act better, stupid.

211
00:09:21,526 --> 00:09:23,627
I will kick your ass.

212
00:09:23,695 --> 00:09:25,195
I did all I could.

213
00:09:25,263 --> 00:09:27,197
We have creative differences.

214
00:09:27,265 --> 00:09:29,599
Can we just do a scene
with Romeo, please?

215
00:09:29,667 --> 00:09:31,735
( Snaps )
Romeo.

216
00:09:31,803 --> 00:09:33,437
Act three, scene five.

217
00:09:33,504 --> 00:09:34,538
And...
( Snaps )

218
00:09:34,605 --> 00:09:36,273
go.

219
00:09:36,340 --> 00:09:38,508
If they do see thee,
they will murder thee.

220
00:09:38,576 --> 00:09:41,511
Alack, there lies
more peril in thine eye

221
00:09:41,579 --> 00:09:42,746
than 20 of their swords.

222
00:09:42,814 --> 00:09:44,347
Look thou but sweet,

223
00:09:44,415 --> 00:09:47,684
and I am proof against their enmity.

224
00:09:47,752 --> 00:09:49,853
Hey, funny nurse,

225
00:09:49,921 --> 00:09:51,488
that's how you act.

226
00:09:53,594 --> 00:09:55,835
All right, Jerry, let's go.

227
00:09:55,860 --> 00:09:57,661
We searched your cell,
we found everything.

228
00:09:57,729 --> 00:09:59,930
The cell phone, the weed, the cocaine.

229
00:09:59,997 --> 00:10:02,099
- I was holding it for a friend.
- Mm-hmm.

230
00:10:02,166 --> 00:10:04,801
Oh, wait...

231
00:10:06,137 --> 00:10:08,872
Oh, Romeo.

232
00:10:08,940 --> 00:10:13,210
- Hey, guys.
- Wayne, can you play Romeo?

233
00:10:13,277 --> 00:10:15,245
- Real men don't act.
- You get to kiss Jordan.

234
00:10:15,313 --> 00:10:17,814
To be or not to be?

235
00:10:20,985 --> 00:10:22,819
- Hey.
- Hey.

236
00:10:22,887 --> 00:10:24,187
So how's it going with you guys?

237
00:10:24,255 --> 00:10:25,689
Great.

238
00:10:25,757 --> 00:10:28,158
Marissa is amazing.

239
00:10:28,226 --> 00:10:30,527
- How's Eva?
- She's hot.

240
00:10:30,595 --> 00:10:32,662
Not only is she hot, I'll
tell you what else she is.

241
00:10:32,730 --> 00:10:34,397
She's...

242
00:10:34,465 --> 00:10:36,600
right over there.

243
00:10:36,667 --> 00:10:38,368
( Sighs )
That's awesome.

244
00:10:38,436 --> 00:10:41,138
Dude, your matchmaker
really hooked us up.

245
00:10:41,205 --> 00:10:42,939
Yeah, well, here's the funny part.

246
00:10:43,007 --> 00:10:44,808
I just talked to Ashley and it turns out

247
00:10:44,876 --> 00:10:47,110
that I'm supposed to be with Marissa

248
00:10:47,178 --> 00:10:48,879
and you're supposed to be with Eva.

249
00:10:48,946 --> 00:10:50,814
How funny is that?

250
00:10:50,882 --> 00:10:53,416
But I'm having a great time
with Marissa.

251
00:10:53,484 --> 00:10:55,085
I think our matchmaker
knows better about

252
00:10:55,153 --> 00:10:57,387
who you're gonna have a great
time with than you do.

253
00:10:57,455 --> 00:10:59,156
What you trying to say, Charlie?

254
00:10:59,223 --> 00:11:01,291
Nothing, I just think
it makes more sense

255
00:11:01,359 --> 00:11:03,059
for me to be with Marissa.

256
00:11:03,127 --> 00:11:06,363
- Why?
- I don't know, because Marissa's educated,

257
00:11:06,430 --> 00:11:07,764
I'm educated.

258
00:11:07,832 --> 00:11:10,534
Are you saying that
you're smarter than me?

259
00:11:10,601 --> 00:11:12,736
No, no, I'm not saying that.

260
00:11:12,804 --> 00:11:14,471
'Cause I'll tell you something,

261
00:11:14,539 --> 00:11:17,941
respect to your education,
I think I'm smarter than you.

262
00:11:18,009 --> 00:11:20,076
Okay, well, that proves that you're not

263
00:11:20,144 --> 00:11:21,778
'cause that's about the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.

264
00:11:21,846 --> 00:11:23,926
And I know. I have heard a
lot of dumb stuff tonight.

265
00:11:23,981 --> 00:11:26,783
Well, Marissa thinks that I'm smart.

266
00:11:26,851 --> 00:11:29,085
She says that I have an interesting
way of seeing the world.

267
00:11:29,153 --> 00:11:32,222
That's what smart people
say to dumb people.

268
00:11:32,290 --> 00:11:33,824
No, it's not.

269
00:11:33,891 --> 00:11:37,052
Yes, it is. I just said
that to Eva 30 seconds ago.

270
00:11:38,462 --> 00:11:39,763
Well, you know what?

271
00:11:39,831 --> 00:11:42,132
You have a very interesting
way of seeing the world.

272
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,634
You can't just repeat it.

273
00:11:44,702 --> 00:11:46,102
Someone has to say something dumb first.

274
00:11:46,170 --> 00:11:48,505
- Like what?
- Oh, gee, I don't know.

275
00:11:48,573 --> 00:11:51,141
I'll bet ceiling fans get dizzy.

276
00:11:51,209 --> 00:11:53,877
Huh. You have a very interesting
way of seeing the world.

277
00:11:53,945 --> 00:11:55,645
I win.

278
00:11:59,930 --> 00:12:03,099
- Charlie.
- Marissa, hey.

279
00:12:03,167 --> 00:12:05,768
- How are you?
- I'm good.

280
00:12:05,836 --> 00:12:07,270
How are things with you and Eva?

281
00:12:07,337 --> 00:12:08,905
I had to show her the door.

282
00:12:08,972 --> 00:12:10,673
Literally. She couldn't find it.

283
00:12:10,741 --> 00:12:12,708
( Laughs )

284
00:12:12,776 --> 00:12:14,844
<i>( Disco music playing )</i>

285
00:12:14,912 --> 00:12:17,447
I'm sorry. That's my phone.

286
00:12:17,514 --> 00:12:20,383
I love disco music. Oi-Oi!

287
00:12:20,451 --> 00:12:23,386
Okay, well, take it easy.

288
00:12:23,454 --> 00:12:26,689
- I'm just kidding.
- ( Laughs ) Oh, my...

289
00:12:26,757 --> 00:12:29,277
So, what about you and Sean?

290
00:12:29,326 --> 00:12:31,027
I've been texting him and calling him,

291
00:12:31,094 --> 00:12:33,029
but I haven't heard back from him
since that night at the bar.

292
00:12:33,096 --> 00:12:35,064
Well, it didn't really work out.

293
00:12:35,132 --> 00:12:36,933
We kinda ran out
of things to talk about.

294
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:40,670
- When did that happen?
- That night at the bar.

295
00:12:40,737 --> 00:12:43,206
So I guess we're both unattached, huh?

296
00:12:43,273 --> 00:12:44,974
( Laughs )
Yeah.

297
00:12:45,042 --> 00:12:47,410
You know, I did think
that you and I were the ones

298
00:12:47,478 --> 00:12:48,878
the matchmaker should have put together.

299
00:12:48,946 --> 00:12:50,613
She did,

300
00:12:50,681 --> 00:12:53,449
but there was a mix-up and
Sean didn't want to switch

301
00:12:53,517 --> 00:12:55,485
and then somehow he got this idea

302
00:12:55,552 --> 00:12:57,687
that I think he's dumb.

303
00:12:57,754 --> 00:13:00,523
Well, Sean told me you called
him dumb right to his face.

304
00:13:00,591 --> 00:13:03,159
Oh, that must have been
how he got the idea.

305
00:13:03,227 --> 00:13:05,595
So why don't we go out?

306
00:13:05,662 --> 00:13:08,564
You know? The perfect match
gets a second chance.

307
00:13:08,632 --> 00:13:11,501
Absolutely. It'd be a great
story to tell the kids

308
00:13:11,568 --> 00:13:13,336
that neither one of us wants to have.

309
00:13:13,403 --> 00:13:15,705
( Laughs )
Oh, my gosh.

310
00:13:15,772 --> 00:13:17,707
What on earth did you and Eva talk about?

311
00:13:17,774 --> 00:13:20,176
- String theory.
- Really?

312
00:13:20,244 --> 00:13:22,645
Yes, I had a theory that
she could be entertained

313
00:13:22,713 --> 00:13:24,313
by a piece of string.

314
00:13:24,381 --> 00:13:25,648
And my theory was correct.

315
00:13:25,716 --> 00:13:26,949
( Laughs )

316
00:13:28,185 --> 00:13:29,919
And...
( Snaps )

317
00:13:29,987 --> 00:13:31,120
go.

318
00:13:31,188 --> 00:13:32,855
Romeo, Romeo!

319
00:13:32,923 --> 00:13:35,191
Wherefore art thou Romeo?

320
00:13:37,928 --> 00:13:40,596
Shall I hear more,
or shall I speak at this?

321
00:13:42,165 --> 00:13:44,006
What the hell are you doing?

322
00:13:44,034 --> 00:13:45,835
Mm-mm, that is not the line.

323
00:13:47,475 --> 00:13:50,315
I just wanted to demonstrate
to you that if it were me,

324
00:13:50,340 --> 00:13:52,742
I would not be adverse
to don a bunny suit

325
00:13:52,809 --> 00:13:54,377
to curry your favor.

326
00:13:54,444 --> 00:13:57,880
Look, I stayed quiet

327
00:13:57,948 --> 00:14:00,416
when Mercutio forgot his own name.

328
00:14:00,484 --> 00:14:02,151
I stayed in character

329
00:14:02,219 --> 00:14:05,922
when Lady Capulet adjusted her junk!

330
00:14:05,989 --> 00:14:07,456
But this has gone too far.

331
00:14:07,524 --> 00:14:10,026
I am a professional amateur actress!

332
00:14:10,093 --> 00:14:12,828
That is not a thing.

333
00:14:12,896 --> 00:14:16,232
Hey, if you wanna embarrass yourselves

334
00:14:16,300 --> 00:14:18,801
up there on those pushed-together
cafeteria tables,

335
00:14:18,869 --> 00:14:22,471
go for it, but I am not
gonna risk my reputation

336
00:14:22,539 --> 00:14:24,899
with a group of people
who don't respect the craft

337
00:14:24,942 --> 00:14:28,244
and draw dogs on my script pages!

338
00:14:28,312 --> 00:14:31,847
That was Wayne, but we're sorry.

339
00:14:31,915 --> 00:14:33,916
We have the opportunity

340
00:14:33,984 --> 00:14:36,519
to do something special here.

341
00:14:36,587 --> 00:14:38,921
We can change the lives of prisoners

342
00:14:38,989 --> 00:14:40,990
that are forced to watch us.

343
00:14:43,694 --> 00:14:45,194
Now who is with me?!

344
00:14:45,262 --> 00:14:46,796
- I'm with you!
- Yeah!

345
00:14:46,863 --> 00:14:49,899
I didn't understand
none of that, but okay.

346
00:14:51,371 --> 00:14:52,611
Thank you.

347
00:14:52,636 --> 00:14:54,270
You got a bag of ice back there?

348
00:14:54,338 --> 00:14:56,238
I think I might be getting
punched in the face.

349
00:14:56,306 --> 00:14:58,240
This about a girl?

350
00:14:58,308 --> 00:15:00,428
I'm about to tell Sean that I, uh,

351
00:15:00,444 --> 00:15:02,578
am gonna be seeing a girl
that he used to date.

352
00:15:02,646 --> 00:15:05,581
Whatever happened to "bros before hos"?

353
00:15:05,649 --> 00:15:09,285
Well, in my defense,
it rhymes backwards, too.

354
00:15:11,221 --> 00:15:14,323
Well, you wanted to talk
to your dumb friend,

355
00:15:14,391 --> 00:15:16,058
so here I am.

356
00:15:16,126 --> 00:15:17,860
Better make it quick.
I have a tutor coming over

357
00:15:17,928 --> 00:15:20,663
to work with me on my shapes and colors.

358
00:15:20,731 --> 00:15:22,264
Look, I...

359
00:15:25,135 --> 00:15:26,769
What is that for?

360
00:15:26,837 --> 00:15:28,371
What?

361
00:15:28,438 --> 00:15:30,706
Where do you buy your ice?

362
00:15:31,808 --> 00:15:34,010
Look, first of all,

363
00:15:34,077 --> 00:15:36,779
I just wanna say that I
don't think you're dumb.

364
00:15:36,847 --> 00:15:38,981
I don't honestly care
if you think that I'm dumb

365
00:15:39,049 --> 00:15:40,583
because Marissa thinks I'm smart,

366
00:15:40,651 --> 00:15:42,551
and that is why she's still
going out with me.

367
00:15:42,619 --> 00:15:44,720
( Chuckles )
Oh, is she?

368
00:15:44,788 --> 00:15:46,522
Yeah, she is.

369
00:15:46,590 --> 00:15:48,758
She can't get enough of me and
the smart things that we do.

370
00:15:48,825 --> 00:15:52,995
- We go to the museums and, um...
- Symphonies?

371
00:15:53,063 --> 00:15:55,064
The symphony the other night

372
00:15:55,132 --> 00:15:56,999
and, uh... what else is there?

373
00:15:57,067 --> 00:15:58,747
- The theater.
- Theater.

374
00:15:58,802 --> 00:16:00,803
We saw that... we saw that thing

375
00:16:00,871 --> 00:16:02,838
with the... the... the singing witch.

376
00:16:02,906 --> 00:16:05,408
So you're really going out with her

377
00:16:05,475 --> 00:16:07,443
and doing all these things?

378
00:16:07,511 --> 00:16:08,811
Yeah, so...

379
00:16:08,879 --> 00:16:10,346
you wanted to tell me something?

380
00:16:10,414 --> 00:16:13,549
I just want to say that...

381
00:16:13,617 --> 00:16:15,951
I'm glad you found someone
that you really like

382
00:16:16,019 --> 00:16:17,687
and we should grab a beer sometime.

383
00:16:17,754 --> 00:16:19,588
Why don't we grab a beer right now?

384
00:16:19,656 --> 00:16:21,524
I'm not doing anything
with Marissa tonight.

385
00:16:21,591 --> 00:16:23,359
Oh, yeah, no, I can't.

386
00:16:23,427 --> 00:16:27,096
- I... I have a date.
- She as smart and sexy as Marissa?

387
00:16:27,164 --> 00:16:30,199
I'd say she's pretty damn close.

388
00:16:35,727 --> 00:16:37,607
Ooh, they're in! They're in!

389
00:16:37,662 --> 00:16:40,364
We got our reviews.

390
00:16:40,432 --> 00:16:42,767
And this is what the
"Prison Times" had to say.

391
00:16:42,834 --> 00:16:45,770
"Unless you've been locked in
solitary for the last three weeks,"

392
00:16:45,837 --> 00:16:47,805
you know that last night
was the premiere

393
00:16:47,873 --> 00:16:50,341
of 'Romeo and Juliet.'

394
00:16:50,409 --> 00:16:52,076
It's this reviewer's opinion

395
00:16:52,144 --> 00:16:54,412
that this was the best production

396
00:16:54,479 --> 00:16:56,180
since the Aryan Brotherhood

397
00:16:56,248 --> 00:16:58,716
"put on their revival of 'Fiddler.'"

398
00:16:58,784 --> 00:17:00,384
That's highest praise.

399
00:17:00,452 --> 00:17:04,121
Swastika Dan played
an amazing Motel the tailor.

400
00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:06,357
And that's it.

401
00:17:06,425 --> 00:17:08,526
Uh, that's... that's where the review es.

402
00:17:08,593 --> 00:17:10,795
Really? There's nothing about the acting?

403
00:17:10,862 --> 00:17:13,898
Oh, you don't wanna read th... oh, oh.

404
00:17:13,965 --> 00:17:16,200
- Damn.
- "The only thing stopping the play"

405
00:17:16,268 --> 00:17:17,668
from being truly transcendent

406
00:17:17,736 --> 00:17:20,738
was the gentleman in the
cheap wig who played Juliet.

407
00:17:22,174 --> 00:17:24,708
We've seen our share
of violence in this prison,

408
00:17:24,776 --> 00:17:28,345
but nothing quite
this savage and brutal.

409
00:17:28,413 --> 00:17:31,749
We were all artistically
raped last night.

410
00:17:33,285 --> 00:17:36,620
I encourage anybody who
attended to find this actor

411
00:17:36,688 --> 00:17:39,123
"and give him a stabbing ovation."

412
00:17:40,836 --> 00:17:42,836
They're just jealous, Jordan.

413
00:17:42,861 --> 00:17:44,995
You were brilliant.

414
00:17:45,063 --> 00:17:47,131
You know what? I don't care.

415
00:17:47,199 --> 00:17:49,099
I don't do it for the reviews.

416
00:17:49,167 --> 00:17:50,701
I do it for the love of theater.

417
00:17:51,803 --> 00:17:55,139
I was a part of something bigger

418
00:17:55,207 --> 00:17:56,607
and it was wonderful.

419
00:17:57,943 --> 00:17:59,310
You're right.

420
00:17:59,377 --> 00:18:01,078
And the good news is
is they're letting us

421
00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:03,247
do "Antony and Cleopatra" next.

422
00:18:03,315 --> 00:18:05,282
I played Cleopatra in college.

423
00:18:05,350 --> 00:18:07,230
Oh, then you've already done it.

424
00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:08,492
You'd just be bored.

425
00:18:11,432 --> 00:18:13,633
I know the guy who writes the reviews.

426
00:18:13,658 --> 00:18:16,138
He's gonna get a visit
from your honey bunny.

427
00:18:18,063 --> 00:18:20,297
Wayne, do not hurt him.

428
00:18:20,365 --> 00:18:21,605
( Sighs )

429
00:18:22,968 --> 00:18:25,236
You can scare him a little.

430
00:18:26,838 --> 00:18:28,639
Consider it done.

431
00:18:31,409 --> 00:18:33,477
Okay, now let's consider

432
00:18:33,545 --> 00:18:36,714
Eleanor Roosevelt, Emily Dickinson,

433
00:18:36,781 --> 00:18:39,283
and Amelia Earhart.
( Sighs )

434
00:18:39,351 --> 00:18:42,186
Wow, those are all amazing women.

435
00:18:42,254 --> 00:18:46,090
I guess I would kill
Eleanor Roosevelt...

436
00:18:47,292 --> 00:18:51,028
I would boink Emily Dickinson,

437
00:18:51,096 --> 00:18:54,431
and I would marry Amelia Earhart.

438
00:18:54,499 --> 00:18:56,200
Well, spoken like someone

439
00:18:56,268 --> 00:18:59,169
who's never seen
a picture of Emily Dickinson.

440
00:18:59,237 --> 00:19:00,971
Sean: <i> Charlie, you around?</i>

441
00:19:01,039 --> 00:19:03,307
Oh, crap, it's Sean.

442
00:19:03,375 --> 00:19:04,675
Look, we're gonna have
to deal with this eventually.

443
00:19:04,743 --> 00:19:06,143
Let's just do it now.

444
00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:08,012
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It'll just ruin the night.

445
00:19:08,046 --> 00:19:09,880
You know, we can just
tell him another time.

446
00:19:09,948 --> 00:19:11,916
Just get rid of him, okay?

447
00:19:13,885 --> 00:19:17,087
Hey, you have a laser level I can borrow?

448
00:19:17,155 --> 00:19:20,324
I'm hanging a painting that Marissa
and I bought at an art gallery.

449
00:19:20,392 --> 00:19:22,359
It's what we do now. We buy art.

450
00:19:22,427 --> 00:19:24,361
The painting's ironic and hopeful,

451
00:19:24,429 --> 00:19:27,298
so it's gotta be, you know, level.

452
00:19:27,365 --> 00:19:31,168
Yeah, you don't want the
sailboats going downhill.

453
00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:34,672
I'll go get it for you.

454
00:19:34,739 --> 00:19:38,108
You don't believe
that Marissa's seeing me.

455
00:19:38,176 --> 00:19:39,710
Do you? You know what?

456
00:19:39,778 --> 00:19:41,979
I'm gonna call her
and you can talk to her.

457
00:19:42,047 --> 00:19:44,014
Oh, come on, don't do this to yourself.

458
00:19:44,082 --> 00:19:45,849
You're just gonna dial
some random number.

459
00:19:45,917 --> 00:19:47,585
Nope, I'm calling her.

460
00:19:47,652 --> 00:19:51,155
Okay, say hi to the pizza guy for me.

461
00:19:51,222 --> 00:19:53,524
<i>( Disco music playing )</i>

462
00:19:53,592 --> 00:19:55,960
Are you kidding me?
You're actually calling her?

463
00:19:56,027 --> 00:19:58,827
<i> ( Music stops )</i>
Yeah, why is she in your bathroom?

464
00:19:58,830 --> 00:20:00,864
- Because we're dating.
- No, you're not.

465
00:20:00,932 --> 00:20:02,232
- We're dating.
- No, you're not.

466
00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:03,767
She broke up with you, you dumb-ass.

467
00:20:03,835 --> 00:20:06,637
She is still seeing me, you dumb-ass.

468
00:20:06,705 --> 00:20:08,005
- Don't call me a dumb-ass.
You're a dumb-ass. - Really?

469
00:20:08,073 --> 00:20:09,907
- You're a dumb-ass.
- No, you are a dumb-ass.

470
00:20:09,975 --> 00:20:11,875
Hey, guys, guys. Stop fighting.

471
00:20:11,943 --> 00:20:14,278
Okay? I can explain everything.

472
00:20:14,346 --> 00:20:15,946
Yeah, great.

473
00:20:16,014 --> 00:20:17,781
What is going on?

474
00:20:17,849 --> 00:20:20,017
I mean, do I really have
to spell it out for you?

475
00:20:20,085 --> 00:20:22,519
Okay, well, we don't have time
for you to write it down,

476
00:20:22,587 --> 00:20:24,221
so tell us.

477
00:20:25,490 --> 00:20:28,325
- She's two-timing us.
- She is two-timing us!

478
00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:30,728
We got that at the same time.

479
00:20:30,795 --> 00:20:32,863
( Sighs )
Okay, okay. Look, look.

480
00:20:32,931 --> 00:20:35,833
I have a really hard time
making decisions,

481
00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:39,670
and you guys are both great
for different reasons.

482
00:20:39,738 --> 00:20:42,706
Gosh, I should go.
I'm really sorry, guys.

483
00:20:42,774 --> 00:20:45,854
Okay, we're both as smart as
each other, though, right?

484
00:20:46,645 --> 00:20:49,813
Yeah, yeah, we're both
as dumb as each other.

485
00:20:49,881 --> 00:20:52,049
We both got played by that woman.

486
00:20:52,117 --> 00:20:53,884
( Sighs )

487
00:20:53,952 --> 00:20:56,754
Look, man, I'm really sorry
about what I said earlier.

488
00:20:56,821 --> 00:20:59,556
Nah, it's fine. Don't worry about it.

489
00:20:59,624 --> 00:21:02,459
I'm probably sensitive about my...

490
00:21:02,527 --> 00:21:04,361
lack of education.

491
00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:07,989
Not going to college has always been my "R.
Kelly's" heel.

492
00:21:10,201 --> 00:21:13,437
Did you just say "R. Kelly's" heel?

493
00:21:15,740 --> 00:21:17,901
Yeah, I mean, young girls are his

494
00:21:17,942 --> 00:21:20,022
and college has always been mine.

495
00:21:21,513 --> 00:21:22,913
I'll allow it.

496
00:21:23,235 --> 00:21:31,235
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