Original subtitles

Okay, yeah, Dad, just press the circle. Just once. Just press it--

-Okay, wait, tell me when we're going.

-Okay. All right. -Okay. Ready?

Okay. I know I have some things to clear up, so…

I thought this is gonna be the best way.

If you don't like what I'm saying, don't write in the comments

because I will not read it and will not even care.

Okay, here we go.

When I moved to the US, I knew fitting in was gonna be hard.

I just didn't know how bloody hard it was going to be.

And all I wanted was to get invited to the coolest club in town,

Rock 'N' Bowl.

But I never was.

Anyone who was anyone was rolling with their homies on a Saturday night.

It was like basically a VMAs after-party.

So when I turned 14, uh, yeah, that's where I had my birthday.

-Ah! It's an alien baby. -Ew!

That's gonna make me sick. I think I'm gonna shit fireballs.

Being there made me feel cool for the first time in my life.

Steph, you do one.

I felt like the kids I wanted to be.

You know, the ones who seem immune to that awkward teen phase…

…the ones whose bones have Jenga'd themselves into a hot frame.

The only bumps on their skin are abs,

and their natural scent is perfect, like CK One perfect.

-The populars. -Been looking for you.

'Sup, Blaine. Hey, Tiffany.

I'm having a birthday party, if you guys wanna join.

Ooh, ooh.

Cute that in Australia you call it a party,

'cause in America, we call that a freak show.

Well, um, it's actually not a freak show 'cause we have cake, so…

Let's go.

God, I just wanted to be like them so bad.

If they were this amazing in high school,

imagine how perfect the rest of their lives would be.

Come on, Steph, I wanna take more photos.

-Come on, Bobby!

You are too much.

Guys! Could we just, like, try to be cool for once?

I hated thinking that life wasn't for me…

that I was destined to be

just some average, boring, invisible girl who had no friends.

In Australia, we call that a Nigel, but whatever.

You guys know what I mean.

I wanted to be something more.

And that's when I decided…

…that's it. I'm gonna become popular.

I know your favorite is "I Want It That Way,"

but it's my favorite too.

Oh my God!

Okay, I Darrin Dance Groove'd my ass off and became captain of the cheer squad.

I got so many new friends, I didn't even know some of their names.

But like, of course, I would always smile at them.

And, oh my God, before I knew it, I had the hottest boyfriend in school.

Like he was so, so hot. Just like, mega hot.

Steph! Seth is here!

Uh, yep, yep. Coming, coming.

Mmm.

Yeah, this… this is really good, Mr. Conway.

It's cereal, Seth.

Stephie, let's move it!

So, are you going to ask my daughter to the prom or not?

Me?

What? No, I don't know what you're talking about.

You drive here every morning just so Stephie can drive you to school.

-You think I'm an idiot? -No, sir.

It's really hard to find the right time. And what about Blaine?

Hey!

Oh my God, Seth, did you Fatone your hair?

It looks so good!

Dad, you didn't have to cook breakfast.

You're about to graduate.

We're not gonna have too many more of these breakfast opportunities.

-Yeah. -Grateful to be included, sir.

Um, can we actually rain check?

I'm on a diet of only bananas and ice cubes till prom.

Oh! Speaking of…

I've been, uh, waiting to give you this.

"I know you'll look beautiful in this. Love, Mum."

Oh my God.

It's gorgeous.

You know, Dad, um,

I saw at the mall in that empty store next to Wet Seal

that they were holding, like, groups for widows and widowers.

Looked pretty jumping.

You're a catch, Mr. Conway. A sad woman would totally go out with you.

I'll tell you what, I'll ask somebody out when you do, Seth.

Yeah.

Did you hear Tiffany went behind my back

and got the Activities Committee

to make the prom king and queen song "Wherever You Will Go" by The Calling?

Uh, no. You know, that piece of gossip hasn't really trickled down to me yet.

Well, when it gets to you, believe it.

She's doing it to mess with me.

She knows I want a classic, like "Power of Love."

I'm not going to go to my prom, get my crown, get glitter-rained on

and then dance to "Wherever You Will F-ing--"

-Ooh! Ow!

There she is,

Deanna Russo,

Harding High cheer captain and prom queen '95.

Bangin' bod.

She's boy-band rich and lives in the most beautiful house in Maryland

with her… Three, two, one…

…perfect husband,

Harding High quarterback with a famously girthy dong.

So I've heard.

They're just like me and Blaine.

I want it so bad I can practically taste them frenching.

It's my dream life.

And it all starts with prom queen.

Well, I think you're better than just another Deanna Russo.

Oh my God, Seth…

Oh my God. Your forehead's bleeding.

Oh.

Sure you're okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm good.

Hey, so you know prom is coming up,

and I really wanted to ask you something.

I know it's a long shot, but--

Seth, you don't even have to finish the question.

-The answer's yes. -Wait, really? What about Blaine?

Ah, he'll understand. It wouldn't feel right to spend prom without you.

Seth,

I would love for you to come to my after-prom party.

Oh, wow. Yeah, cool.

-Thanks, Steph. -Oh my God. Duh, no prob.

Oh, also, there's gonna be a VIP room,

and you're totally gonna be on the list. I mean it.

Fun.

Okay, um, I'm gonna let you out here because I got to make my entrance.

Oh, also, I need that sock back. It's Blaine's.

We use it for handies.

Oh, okay, yeah. That's… that's gross.

-Bye! -Bye!

-Oh my God!

I was wondering where the future prom queen was.

Just thinking about my life with the future prom king.

I'm gonna miss you so much these next two periods.

Yeah?

Let me give you a little something to remember me by. Boop, boop!

Oh my God, Blaine, stop. That's so embarrassing.

Oh my God, he's so into me. What?

Oh my God. Did anyone see that? Bye.

Ew. He shouldn't do that to you.

It's called love, Marth. That's what couples do.

When you get a boyfriend, you'll understand.

Yeah, I'll pass.

-Here.

Don't lose these. I'm serious.

If my parents find out I gave you the keys to our lake house for a party,

they'll ship me off to a convent before I even make it to Wesleyan.

-My grandfather built that with his hands.

If anything happens--

Oh my God, I promise you have nothing to worry about. You're the best.

Thank you so much, Marth. You know you're invited, right?

Did you just invite me to a party that's at my own house?

Of course not. I'm inviting you to the VIP section.

Seth will be there too. So you'll have someone to talk to.

Right. I could also talk to you.

Right, yeah, duh.

Um, except I'm probably gonna be losing my bottom half virginity to Blaine.

So I'll be, like, in and out.

So will Blaine, literally. You know what I mean?

Also, Martha, it's pep rally day. Why aren't you in your cheer uniform?

Oh my God.

You look so hot right now.

-You look so great. -Okay. Yeah.

-Okay. I'll see you later. Bye! -Bye.

So, I've been telling everyone about the VIP section at our party,

but here's a little secret.

There's gonna be a VIP VIP section just for us.

For boning.

Mmm, so, uh, about that,

um, most of the football team's already said yes to going to a different party.

But this one has a heated pool and a live band.

What? Whose party?

Tiff's. But we could bone there, if you want.

What the slut?

Get back to your seat, Miss Conway.

I would like to start my class before the next millennium hits.

-Can I go to the bathroom? -Fine.

Dex, wait.

Get this to Tiffany,

now.

Would you turn your books to the…

Got your note.

For the last time, Tiffany, I won cheer captain fair and square,

and you and Blaine were broken up when we got together. I don't cheat.

So why do you continue to be the butt-roids on my… butt?

I don't know what you're talking about.

First, you changed the prom king and queen song.

Now you're throwing an after-prom party

when you know I've been planning mine for months.

You mean the one you have to throw at Barfa's family lake house

'cause you live in a shanty.

Her name is Martha,

and she hasn't thrown up on herself since the eighth grade, so…

-Cancel your party! -Sorry.

My daddy has already paid for the caterers.

Open bar, Jäger, Mike's Hard Lemonade, Smirnoff Ice.

All the good shit.

So, you cancel yours.

You won't wanna throw a party after I beat you for prom queen.

What makes you think you're gonna win?

'Cause I'm MTV, and you're VH1.

I'm the real deal, and you're a poser.

You think you can shimmy your koala ass to the top of the food chain I created

and screw up my senior year?

You're just a poor spaz playing dress up.

Don't go chasing waterfalls.

Take that back.

-Freshmen suck!

-Freshmen suck! -Freshmen suck!

-Freshman suck! -Settle down.

Blaine, settle down. Settle down.

Listen.

We have less than a month of school left. Let's all just get through it.

-Now I know you all… -All right, sluts.

Everybody, listen up.

Listen to Martha.

Just a couple notes before we get out there.

We replaced the spotlight operators

with kids tall enough to see what's going on.

Try not to hit the ground too hard so our CD doesn't skip.

"Our CD"?

I'm sorry, since when does a clipboard and a windbreaker make you a Bulldogette?

Since I appointed her equipment manager, Tiffany.

Do you have any idea how much she does for us?

Without her, we'd fall apart. Whereas without you, Tiff,

we'd, I don't know, have less stains on our uniform

-from catching your spray-tanned ass.

Continue, Marth.

Oh, I was done.

Oh.

All right, biatches. When I started choreographing this routine,

I knew it had to be more than just a regular cheer,

which is why I made this,

a step-by-step guide to our routine

so that future squads will be able to replicate our VMA-level performance.

Martha, please see that this gets into the school archives

so that our legends will live on.

-Do we have a school archive? -We do now.

All right, places, skanks!

Twins?

Can we talk?

And speaking of "not school appropriate,"

please welcome our award-winning Harding Bulldogettes.

-That's my girl!

-Yeah!

-Ready? -Okay!

Who wants to forget the good old days?

No one.

That's why, at Balbo Hummers,

we've got the sweetest rides for the sweetest prices.

Oh! And hey, all you high school seniors out there,

who doesn't want a Hummer on their big night. Am I right?

That's right. Balbo Hummers is renting out stretch limos for all of your prom needs.

Balbo Hummers. We're ready for prom. Are you?

I'm ready for prom.

What the slut?

Oh, hi.

Hi. Hello. Hi.

Excuse me. Um, I'm not sure what happened,

but I think there's been a mistake, and I've been put in the wrong room

'cause there's a bunch of birthday cards for, like, a really old person.

And the TV's flat, like the back of it is missing,

and I really need to see who's number one on TRL.

Dr. Johnson to the third floor. The cheerleader just woke up.

Oh, I don't mean to be a bitch, but "cheer captain."

Cheer captain.

And do you have any Von Dutch jeans? 'Cause this is, like, really unflattering.

Oh crap.

What are you staring at?

Hello? It's very rude to be a stare bear.

Hello? Are you-- Stop… stop doing that!

Why are you doing that, you freaky old--

And the cheerleader's back down.

Oh, cheer captain. Are you okay?

This defies scientific explanation.

Being this hot?

No.

Stephanie, it's 2022.

No way.

Mm-hmm.

Are you sure I haven't been Freaky Friday'd into some old lady's body?

You've been in a coma for almost two decades.

That doesn't sound right.

I know this is a lot to process, but we'll just take this nice and slow.

-Stephie? -Stephanie!

-Oh my God. -Stephanie!

Stephie, I can't believe this! It's me. It's Dad!

Oh my God!

-Dad? -Yeah!

How about me? Do you remember? It's Martha, Martha Riser.

I never thought I'd have this moment again.

I was this close to freezing you.

What do you mean, Dad?

Don't worry. I couldn't afford it. I was only gonna freeze your head.

-No! -We'll have to be gentle.

Physically she's aged, but mentally she's still 17.

Of course. Yes, I see how we came in a little hot.

Yeah.

Martha, you look like an Ally McBeal character.

Oh my God. Thank you.

Well, the good news is nothing abnormal came up in her tests.

Stephanie, your physical and mental resilience are remarkable.

Uh, let… let's go home.

Marth, oh my God, what is that, a tiny TV?

No. No, Steph, this is my cell phone.

Oh my God. Whoa! Really?

-That is very cool.

I always knew you'd be some high-powered, Sex and the City businesswoman.

-Total Miranda, right, Dad? -Oh…

I'm actually a high school principal at Harding.

Oh my God, you still got a good sense of humor.

That's… I mean, that's actually a very cool and important job.

-So, whoo! -Mm-hmm.

Um, and they give you a fancy cell phone for that?

Oh, they're common now. Even I have one.

Oh. Okay.

They do much more than just call people. You could also watch the news.

Look, here's a news story about you right now.

-What? No. Oh, about me? No, oh my God. -Yeah, it's you!

Okay, wait, show me.

Video edits of her infamous accident went immediately viral on Instagram…

Oh my God. I went down like a bag of dicks.

Oh.

-Stephie! -Wait. What does "viral" mean?

Well, "viral" just means everybody saw it.

Everybody's seen that? I look retarded in those videos.

Now, Steph, you… you cannot say the R-word anymore.

-What? Really? Why? -Mm-mm.

Because it's offensive to people with intellectual disabilities.

But what if something really is, like, "R-word,"

um, what do you call it? Like, "super gay"?

No, no. You can't call things "gay" anymore, either,

unless you use it as a neutral-positive term

to refer to somebody who identifies as homosexual.

-So you cannot say the "R-word." -Right.

And, um…

Sorry. Coma brain.

-What was the other word you can't say? -"Gay."

Ha! Made you say it.

-Stephie. -I-- That's…

-Still got it, Dad. -You do.

Dad, um, can you take a left up here?

-Oh. -To see--

No, no, no. No, um, actually, you should get home and rest.

Rest? I've been asleep for 20 years.

-Dad, just take this left here. -Jim, don't take the left.

Is there-- I don't understand…

-Indicator. Indicate left. -Do not. Do not.

-Thank God, it's still the same. -Yep. There it is. Let's keep going.

That's not Deanna Russo's husband.

-Who is that? -Um…

Oh my God. I know that ass anywhere. That's Blaine.

Wait. Did he get me my dream house? Stop the car! Why didn't you say anything?

-Don't stop the car. -What are you talking about? Stop the car!

Don't stop the car. No. He's probably sleeping.

-He walked into the house. -You don't wanna wake him.

He looked tired!

-I don't know what to do. Ah! -Just stop the car!

-No!

Oh. You know what?

Someone from the shelter already came by yesterday

to pick up our donations, so… Thank you though.

Tiffany?

Shut up!

Stephanie?

-Oh my God, look at you!

-I can't believe this. -What is happening?

I have so many things I… I want to say.

I've always felt terrible about what happened.

I can't believe you didn't land that stunt.

Wait, why are you living here with Blaine? I don't get it.

This is mine and Blaine's dream house, so…

-Well, actually-- -Why are you here?

It's a long story.

Our parents got it for us as a wedding gift and…

Well, that's it. The end.

No, you shut your face.

Um, where's Blaine? Just get me Blaine, and, um--

I'm so sorry. He is just so swamped right now with work.

Oh.

I see what you did here.

Get rid of me so you can steal my dream life.

Oh…

Steph.

-No, no.

Look, I know we never saw eye-to-eye back then,

but you know, the beautiful thing about time is you move on.

Okay, you know what? I need to go because I am brining zucchini ribbons,

but I never let a guest leave without a gift.

Um, so I'm just gonna give you…

-What? -Here.

Homemade from my own starter. A peace offering.

I really look forward to putting the past behind us.

You know, move past the past.

So, maybe when you're feeling better and a little bit more stable,

we could do brunch sometime.

-Blaine! -It's great to see you!

Blaine!

-Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Who's that at the door?

It was… Stephanie Conway.

She's awake?

Ah, yes.

Perfectly preserved.

-And here we are.

Oh! Did she not wear her seat belt?

I don't think she did.

-Oh God.

-It's locked, hon. -Dad!

Here we are. Yeah.

Hey, S…

She's…

Oh my God.

Didn't have the heart to change it.

Kept your Cabriolet too. You know me, never very good at letting things go.

I… I also never, uh, canceled any of your magazine subscriptions.

Wait, Madonna's now called Lady Gaga?

-No. -No.

-But she looks exactly like Madonna. -You've had a lot to digest today.

We'll get you caught up this weekend.

Dad!

Dad. What the F?

Who was in charge of my feeding tube? My boobs are huge.

Well, you… you're just getting older.

You know, bodies change,

and pretty soon, you'll go through menopause.

Oh my God. Don't.

I can't do this.

I was so close to having my dream life.

You still can, sweetie.

I can't. Look at this.

-Well--

-If anyone can do it, it's you.

Oh, Dad, shut up. I'll get it.

Dad…

Oh God. Okay.

Steph, babe, what are you doing?

I'm trying to not be ugly.

I'm just tired of being made fun of.

You are not ugly.

Yes, I am.

I just want to be like the populars.

Oh. What do they have that you don't?

Cool hair. Hot clothes. Even hotter boyfriends.

They pronounce their… …R's.

Mmm.

Well…

I think that you are beautiful and smart and funny…

…and I think the accent makes you unique.

Well, it doesn't really count if you say it, Mum.

Oh. It doesn't, does it?

Well, uh, too bad 'cause it's a fact.

Mums have senses about things like this.

-And I know that you… -Uh, Mum.

…are gonna graduate and grow up

and have the most perfect life.

I just know it.

You mean it?

Do you think I could even be prom queen?

-You sure that's what you want? -Duh.

Well, if anyone can make it happen, it's you.

-Martha! -Oh my God.

-There you are! -Steph! Wha…

-Yeah. -What are you doing here?

This is exactly the type of car a principal would drive.

It's like… like you nailed it.

-Um, I just need your help with something. -Uh…

I want to go back to school.

Oh, Steph.

That's wonderful. Yes, of course.

I can get you some info on those programs. There's a lot of great ones.

Uh, no, Marth, I meant, like, me come back to school, to Harding High,

and finish my senior year.

What?

God.

No…

No?

Or not no, but maybe not?

Steph, hey, you know what?

Instead…

Wow. There's online classes.

Or… or… or… or…

Um… Oh, GED courses at the community college.

I cannot move on to the next chapter of my life

if I'm still stuck in the old one for 20 years.

And I understand that, but…

Steph… …I can't let an almost 40-year-old woman

into high school.

Yeah, but you heard the doctor. I'm still 17 mentally.

-And look… -That's--

…that is medical. And you cannot argue with science.

-Are you sure you're ready to go back? -Yes!

High school was like yesterday for me. It will not be weird at all.

What else am I supposed to do?

Start an OnlyFans account? Queef for 20 dollars?

-What? -That's…

I think that's what happens there.

Those aren't your only two options. You have lots of options.

Look… …high school, it's an intense but delicate ecosystem.

Yeah, which I can handle.

But you know what? There's only a month of the school year left--

Oh, that's perfect! That's basically the time that I missed!

-Oh, yeah. -Oh, that is, like, fate.

Like, Destiny's Child.

Well, you might be the first person in history

to use a doctor's note to get into school.

-My God! Yes!

Martha! Oh my God. You're the best. You're the best.

I'm so worried.

Sorry, babe.

I was in a coma.

Miss Conway! Miss Conway! Miss Conway!

Hi! G'day, mate!

I wanted to say hi in your native tongue. 'Cause you're Australian, right?

-Yes. Yeah. -Oh, good, good, good!

Your friend, my boss, Principal Riser, asked me to show you around

and give you a little orientation here at Harding.

Oh, okay. I don't really need to. I know my way around.

Oh, come on, it's fun. I have nothing else to do.

I'm Mr. Tapper, the guidance counselor, but you can call me Mr. T.

Is that because you… …"pity the fool" who has a bad first day?

Oh.

Well, yeah. Yeah, I would feel… I would feel terrible.

No. I meant, like, you know, Mr. T.

"I pity the fool. I pity the fool."

I've never said that before, but I guess I could start if you wanted me to.

I pity the fool!

Mr. T is pitying fools over here.

All right, let's, um… let's… let's go on a little tour here.

I have your records here from 2002. You were a cheerleader.

-Cheer captain. -Ooh, cheer captain.

Uh, president of the Fashion Club. Whoa! Your grades were pretty good.

My God, shut up. Don't. I don't want anybody here to think I'm a dork.

I'm saying graduating shouldn't be a problem.

Wait. What happened?

Where are all the prom king and queen winners?

Oh, um, Principal Riser felt that it sent a bad message,

so she replaced it with something more positive.

-That looks like a bunch of tampons. -Yeah, it is.

But it's also found art.

So you're saying they're found tampons.

Oh, yes, I am.

If not, just pretend it's fake history.

Oh! I am so sorry.

Stephanie?

-Oh my God! -It… it's… it's Seth!

-Seth? -Yeah!

-Oh, Seth! -Oh my goodness!

-Oh! -Wow!

Martha said that you were back,

and I guess, in my head, I just couldn't make it real,

but look at you. You look great!

It's me! Like, look, I'm walking and talking.

-Yeah. Doing all those things. -Everything.

Just like you used to, walk and talk.

Well, look at you! Oh my God!

-You look so cool and suave and adult. -Yeah.

Wow! What happened to that nerd that used to just hang out in the library?

He became the school librarian.

Seriously?

-Mm-hmm. -Ah…

Seth, thank you so much for the yearbook.

Why didn't you just come in and say hi?

You know, I didn't wanna overwhelm you, you know.

Plus, I can't stay out so late on a school night.

-Ah, shit. Shoot.

Dang!

I wish I could hang out and talk more, but I gotta get back to work.

-Oh, yeah, I got to get back to class. -Yeah.

I don't wanna be 20 years and ten minutes late.

So, I will see you around. You know where to find me.

Yeah, same. You know where to find me, in the library.

-Some things never change, right? -Bye, Seth. I'll call you.

Or you can do some long division, I guess.

Steph, how's your first day?

Oh my God, it's just been, like, so amazing.

Like, just making new friends. Everyone's already obsessed with me.

That's so great. We strive for a welcoming environment here.

Um, listen, I need to talk to you about rejoining the Bulldogettes.

Um, instead of cheer, I think you should be focusing on your schoolwork.

Yeah. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure!

Um, but who do I talk to about rejoining?

Well, you would talk to me. I'm the cheer coach now.

Okay. Wait, I see your game.

You become principal

so then you can get real power by running the cheer squad.

That's smart. I respect that.

Yeah, that… that's not why I got my master's in education.

Um, look, I don't think the cheer squad

needs a new member right now.

Well, that's wrong 'cause every cheer squad in the country

would love to have me.

There's only two performances left, so I don't think it's worth it.

Marth, I only need one performance to make a splash

if I have any chance of becoming prom queen.

-Steph… -This head still needs a crown.

I'm so sorry. It's not gonna get it.

Steph,

we do not have prom queen at this school anymore.

Oh my God, are you having a mini stroke?

What?

Competitions like that, they're dangerous.

Winning things, it just… it doesn't reflect our school values.

With no winners, there aren't any losers.

I've made a school with no losers.

But everybody was just talking to me about how much they want prom queen.

Steph, if all the students want it back, they know they can petition for it.

But so far no one has.

Oh, that was so close. You were so close.

-Let me put it my mouth. -One more. Ready and one…

Yay!

Oh, hey, is this where the ho-bags sit?

That's a fun way of saying "what's up?"

-I'm Janet. -And I'm Yaz, and that's Neil.

I just have to say I'm living for this little vintage fit.

-And I'm not even JK-ing. Okay?

Okay, what is with this enormous lunch table?

How are we supposed to know where the popular kids sit?

Well, when there's just one table, we're all popular kids.

-Everybody. -Oh no, no, no. That's not how life works.

There's only, like, three ways to become popular,

to be a cheerleader, to work at Abercrombie,

or to let guys go in the back door.

-What? -Oh my God, I must be really popular then.

-What?

-Nothing. -Anyways, um, Janet…

Mm-hmm.

…I was wondering if you would like to sign my petition.

It's to bring back prom queen to Harding High.

-Oh my gosh! -No way!

Do I respect IRL grassroot efforts

to effect change into societal systems? Yes.

It's also very refreshing to see non-digital campaign strategy.

-It is. -So I'll sign it.

I'll sign it too, but don't be surprised if we're the only ones.

Why's that?

Because nobody's gonna sign this unless Bri Luvs signs it.

-Who? -Her.

Bri Luvs. That's just her name on social media.

She's got, like, three million Instagram followers.

And that 98 pounds of sexy is Lance, her fine-ass boyfriend.

Last year, Vice did a whole vlog about their open relaish

and called it the gold standard of the future.

Cool, cool, cool. So, um, how do I get her to sign it?

Oh, you won't. She's untouchable.

Okay, everyone's friends with her, but she's friends with no one.

Yeah.

-She's coming over here. -No, she's not.

-Just act normal. Avoid eye contact and-- -Okay.

-Yaz! Been a minute, huh? -It has been so long.

So long! And Janet, loved your post about alternative body positivity the other day.

You are so inspiring.

I was just showing off my new bathing suit.

Hi, I'm Bri, and you must be Stephanie.

I heard about you.

Really?

I mean, um…

Yeah, obviously, because I'm, like, the total shiznit,

and I basically used to be you when I went here.

You know, the most popular girl in school 'cause we're the same.

I don't really think about popularity.

I'm just trying to build my most authentic, socially conscious,

body-positive, environmentally aware, and economically compassionate brand

that's a home for inclusion, focused fashion, food,

and fun-filled lifestyles.

And if tons of people respond to that, then, great.

Totally. Yes.

I mean, obviously.

Um, while I've got you here, would you mind signing this?

I'm gonna stop you right there.

I made a paper-free pledge this year, so I only deal with forms digitally.

I'm sure you understand. But can we take an ussie?

Yes. Absolutely.

-Where to? -Um…

Where are we going? We're going-- Ooh. What? Sorry.

-What was that? -Oh, before I forget.

My mom, Tiffany, told me to tell you she says hi.

She said to remind you she's married to Blaine

and lives in your dream house, in case you couldn't place her.

Your mom, Tiffany.

Nice meeting you, Stephanie. Bye.

-Bye. -Bye.

Baby, you're manspreading again.

Oh.

-Whoops.

Oh my God. He knows you exist.

Yeah, 'cause probably he's, like, already obsessed with me.

-Oh my God. What is that? A fire drill?

-Uh… -What, robot invasion?

Bri is going live.

Hey, guys, we have a new student at Harding High, and she's older than us.

And I want to remind everyone around the world

that treating someone different 'cause they're elderly is called ageism,

no matter how weird or foreign or out of touch they may seem,

and that's not cool.

Also, stay tuned. I have amazing news

about my upcoming summer screen-detox vacay in Nepal.

Remember, Bri loves you.

That was hot.

You're hot.

-I'll sign your petition. -Oh my God! Yay! Three people!

-Whoo! -Oh my God, no.

Guys, I need the cheerleaders to sign this.

Because then everyone will. Cheer pressure.

Well, they'll sign it 'cause we already did.

Ha!

-You guys are the cheerleaders? -Absolutely.

-Ready? -Okay!

Oh. Good job, good job. What'd you think?

What was that?

-Well, that's-- -What was that?

-It's our most popular routine. -Yeah.

-Well, who were you guys cheering for? -For everyone.

You know, to do the right thing, right? Team Humanity!

Team Humanity!

Uh…

But what about, like, the music and the dancing and the flipping?

Oh. Oh no. No. We do not do stunts anymore.

-Oh. -And also we don't do any sexy dancing.

We'd rather have people listen to our words than just our bodies.

Okay, yeah, but this cheer would be so much better

if you guys made me believe you were seconds away from showing your tits.

-No, Steph… -Yes, Martha.

-Okay. -Yes. I had this one signature move.

You'll love it. It's called lips to lips. Everybody, do it with me.

-Don't. -You start on the face.

-Fingers go down the body. -No.

Down the body and up.

No! Why is everyone doing it? I'm saying don't do it.

-Okay, look. -Okay.

We would do that, but our freshman year, Bri Luvs made an Instagram post

saying that cheerleaders were anti-feminist.

The whole school turned against us, and we had to recalibrate.

Her post got, like, seven million likes.

-Eight million. -It was for the best.

Anyways, let's show her our gun control routine.

-It's one of our best. -No, wait!

What even is this squad? Like…

Is there even a cheer captain?

-Yeah. -Yeah, Stephanie, I am the cheer captain.

-I am the cheer captain. -I am the cheer captain.

I'm a cheer captain.

-And also the coach. -You?

Martha, that's the most fucked up thing I've ever heard.

Steph, we are all cheer captains here to promote… Say it with me.

Equality!

-Including you, Steph. -Welcome.

-Do you love it? Are you okay?

Oh my God.

-Oh my God. -She loves it, you guys. You nailed it!

-Oh my God! -Aw!

Excuse me, Mr. Bud.

Hey, what's up?

Um, seeing as you're my librarian now,

you're legally obligated to help me research something, yeah?

Yeah, by law.

Yeah, I think the teachers union's a real stickler about that sort of thing.

I'm just kidding. I'm not in the union. What's up?

-Oh, this is addictive. -Yeah.

Social platforms have become a vital tool for communication.

Look, it's a turtle humping a rock!

-Yeah. -Oh, get it. Get it.

Yeah, oh, that gets a heart.

-And it's also that.

Okay. All right. I think I've worked this thing out.

Okay.

So, basically you get followers by being somebody everybody likes.

Mm-hmm.

So it's a popularity contest, but instead of just high school,

it's now the whole world, and the whole world is your phone.

Yeah. I mean, that's exactly it.

-That's it. -Yeah, it's pretty sad.

No! This is, like, amazing. This is like a shortcut.

Wow, I immediately regret showing you this.

Just to be clear, this is a way for people to pretend

their life and skin texture is better than it is.

Is that why you've posted this picture of you with this random hot chick?

No, that's my ex-fiancée Diana.

-You were engaged? -I was.

-Shut up! Seth. - Uh-huh.

That's actually how I ended up here.

We both were working at the National Archives in DC,

and when we split up, I needed a change.

So Martha got me a job at Harding, and here I am.

Trust me, being close to 40 and back at my high school

isn't exactly where I wanted to be, but…

-Oh. Tell me about it! -Yeah, right!

Uh, well, I should get back to enriching young minds.

Just kidding. I'm covering a drama class.

-I'll see you later. -Okay.

-All right. Oh! -Bye!

Need that back. Yeah, thanks, Steph.

Please, Dad!

Phones are like the new Tamagotchis.

Okay? I need one, and I promise you, I will not go over the minutes.

Really, it's for my own personal safety, 'cause what happens if I get kidnapped?

I think if you get kidnapped, Stephanie, they'll probably take your phone.

Not if I'd hidden it up my…

Well, just to be safe, it's probably a good thing.

I got you this.

Oh my God.

Dad…

-Thank you! -You're welcome.

Oh, you're the best dad!

Dad, I can't believe this!

Hey, guys, uh, it's just me, Stephanie.

-I'm just chilling at my crib.

I don't even know how to do this.

I was just thinking that we should bring prom queen back to Harding High.

-#AwesomeIdea.

-#Yes.

-Spread it around. Let's make it a virus.

That's… that's cute.

Remember to vote for this year's prom theme.

The choices are A, Bridgerton,

B, pride,

and a last-minute write-in submission by Stephanie Conway, C,

The Real World: New Orleans.

-Democracy works only if you vote! -What?

-Stop, stop, stop. -Love you all!

-Oh my God. -Are you going over there?

-Okay. -So fire.

Let's wait until the party to tell everyone.

Oh my God, is there a party happening? Whoo!

Oh. Hi, Stephanie. What's up?

I just came to say we're, like, cool.

Okay? Even after the other day when you, like, said I was old and shit.

Oh, did you think that was mean?

I am so sorry.

I was just shedding light

on an often overlooked discrimination issue.

Look, okay, I get.

Queen bee feels very threatened by the hot new girl

and decides to go on the offensive.

Classic Sandy/Rizzo. It was the same way with your mum.

I am not my mom. I'm nothing like her.

So whatever went on between you two has nothing to do with me.

Awesome. Okay, so now that we're friends, can you follow me on Insta?

I'm "A" with this little circle around it hot coma girl 113.

Who knew? There's 112 other hot coma girls.

Mm-hmm. Okay, so I get this request a lot.

Um, I limit my follows,

'cause if I follow one person, another might get mad,

so it's a sacrifice I make for everyone's mental health.

Um, but good luck getting followers.

Okay. Well, wait, can you follow me?

Can I follow her on Instagram?

No.

I can't.

Sorry.

Hey, Steph.

-Holy shit. Mmm. -Um, I'm doing a makeup tutorial.

For who? Batman villains?

I'm just really needing some new followers.

You don't realize how many people don't care about you

until you see it as a number on your phone.

Okay. Well, if you get tired of being an influencer,

the Natural History Museum is showing Deep Impact on their IMAX all week.

So, maybe we could go this weekend?

Deep Impact again?

Oh my God. You, me, and Martha just watched that a couple weekends ago.

Oh no, actually, I think you're thinking of 1,000 weekends ago.

Oh. Right.

Mm. Okay, I would go, but I've got a party this weekend.

Oh, cool. Uh, you know, what night? I'm completely free.

I don't actually know yet, so I'm just keeping my schedule open.

Right.

Just to be clear,

you're saying no to attend a party you haven't been invited to

and don't know when or where it's happening?

Yeah. Okay, I gotta get back to my contouring.

All right.

So hot.

I mean, even just an hour a night, that would be amazing.

-I can make that happen. -Yeah.

Okay.

What's going on?

Why are you guys acting sus? What? Don't say…

Are you two together? Oh my God. I'm not calling you Mum!

Martha tells me you're already falling behind in your classes.

Are you doing crack cocaine?

No.

Dad, I'm just still adjusting.

I just found out there were eight more Fast and Furious movies.

I just wanna make sure that you're giving your schoolwork the attention it deserves.

Well, I've just been really busy

with super important stuff, like making friends.

-Well, good. I'm… That's great. -Mm-hmm.

-But you can still do your homework. -Yep!

You're smart, Steph, always have been.

I don't wanna see you use this second chance incorrectly.

Okay. Well, I've got the solution for this.

No phone for the weekend.

-What? -Mm-hmm.

Dad, no. How else will I live?

You survived 20 years without solid food.

You can go for a weekend without your iPhone, hon.

-No! -Hand it over.

-Are you being serious? -Yes. I am being very--

Are you being full serious right now?

-Full serious. -Are you from Syria?

I'm very serious.

No!

No!

-Hand me the phone. -Here, have it, then. Have it.

It's a remote.

-No! -Uh…

-Get off the door frame, honey. -No! It's my phone!

Give him the phone.

No…

Thanks a lot, Principal Martha.

Oh my God, Lance and Bri look so hot.

What the slut? They're all there.

Can I… can I have my phone back now?

Oh my God.

Guys, what kind of psycho world is this

where the cheerleaders don't get invited to a party? Hello!

Are they stupid? We are the party!

Babe, of course we weren't invited.

-It's DM VIP. -Yeah.

You only get to go to them if they follow you.

Only the hot, cool people.

-Yeah. -Well, yeah, but we are hot and cool.

-Thank you. -Um,

four years of not getting invited to those parties,

the message gets, like, very clear. We're not.

This is kind of like a party. I can have my dad pop in a Di.

It means "DiGiorno."

-Oh, oh, oh. -No, I'm talking about a "party" party.

I can't have video record of me partying. The media's gonna use it to try

and discredit me when I run for office, like they did with AOC.

No.

Okay, guys, you need to listen up, all right? This is now serious.

We need to dance because we need to show everybody

that we are the cool ones.

Guys, when I was in high school, all the popular kids treated me like shit

until I showed them how cool I was,

which is so cool that the most popular girl in high school,

her boyfriend dumped her for me.

-And you know who that was? -Who?

-Bri's mom. -Tiffany?

And that guy,

Bri's dad.

What?

And once you've blown someone's dad, you realize they're not that scary.

-Hmm. -Good to know.

Yeah, I mean…

So, everybody, watch and learn.

-Let's dance. -Okay.

Okay, can you hit play? Yeah, nice fingering.

-Yeah. Okay, get into it, guys.

-Like, hips, shoulders.

Sing it!

Yeah!

-Stop!

All right, guys, we have a show to put on.

Please don't blow my dad.

Now, don't worry. I've spoken with the school nurse,

and with less than three weeks until graduation,

we are prepared for an epidemic of senioritis.

Freshmen suck.

Um, okay. So without further ado, please join me in welcoming

the president of the Harding High PTA, Tiffany Balbo.

Hi!

Thank you.

And I know she's the principal, boo.

Boo.

-But give it up for Miss Riser, everyone.

-Stop it. -Sorry. Sorry.

Okay. What a special evening we get to share with our kids

before they go off to adulthood.

Okay, guys, the energy in this place is sucking wiens.

We need to get out there and rock their worlds.

Oh, and here's this.

Huh?

-It's the music for the routine. -Oh, yes.

Thank you for the computer tampon. Shove that where that goes.

Really, guys, you're the bomb diggity.

-All of you. -Aw!

I love you, and we're gonna crush the sluts and--

Oh, it's the big finale, you guys. It's the big finale!

I'm so proud of you.

You pumped to go out there and change some minds?

And just remember, this is all I have.

And real quick, due to the custom table-scapes,

the prom ticket prices have gone from $48 to $93.

-We take Venmo and PayPal and Zelle.

Thank you so much!

Yeah!

Okay. Thank you, parents.

Speaking of prom,

making good choices is at the forefront of every school function,

so to help us illustrate that, please welcome our radical Bulldogettes.

-Ready? -Consent!

Yeah!

Let's go! Let's hear it for consent!

Are you ready for the remix?

Oh my God.

-Did they just touch their-- Just shut up. Shut up.

Yeah!

Bulldogs, fuck yeah! Yeah! Whoo!

-You are a father. -They brought it back. I am a father.

Ooh.

-Damn, Conway! -Oh!

-Blaine! Oh my God! Oh my God. -Whoo!

Watching you up there.

-Shut up. -No, it's true!

-Shut up! Look at you! -Yeah?

Look at you now. You're such a--

I'm a DILF. I know. Who would've thought?

-Hmm. -Hmm.

Oh, and I wanted to say I thought it was so cool

that I was one of the first places you stopped when you woke up.

I can't tell you how many times I've thought of you over the past years.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Well, even though I was pretty much brain-dead,

you were the one that kept my heart beating.

Well, listen, I'll just say, you let me know

if you ever want to take another trip down memory Blaine.

-Yeah, but, Blaine, what about Tiff? -Eh.

Didn't stop us the first time.

What? You said you two were broken up.

It's, uh… You know, I don't…

-What? -I was joking.

I haven't forgotten about your whole "no cheating" rule.

Yeah, which is why we can't be together.

Yet.

But if you're the man that I think you are…

I'm sure you'll make the right choice.

Yeah. No, I…

Oh, sh…

Hmm.

Conway.

Stephanie, can you come down here, please?

"Stephanie, we support Instagram stars like you

who share Hostess' commitment to never growing old."

"Warmest wishes from your friends at Canada Goose." That is sick!

"Let's be buds."

Holy shit.

I don't get what the big deal was. We were just dancing!

Steph, the big deal is that I told you that we don't do that anymore,

and you went and did it anyway behind my back.

Are you really mad? Or is this because Tiff yelled at you?

Oh, Steph!

You can't let her bully you, I've always said that.

It's not about Tiffany.

I care about this

because what you did up there, it wasn't school-appropriate.

You fondled yourself

for an unsuspecting audience in a routine about consent.

But I gave myself consent

to do that to myself.

Stop stroking your nipples.

Marth, what is going on here?

The cheerleaders aren't allowed to dance.

You took away prom queen.

You turned the cafeteria into a Hogwarts without the magic.

Are you trying to make this place suck wiens?

Number one, how dare you? It is like Hogwarts with the magic.

And number two, it doesn't suck wiens. It's nice.

It's… it's nice here.

-I had more fun in a coma. -You did not have more fun in the coma.

I had more fun going like this.

Stephanie.

That was way more fun than this high school.

Steph, this may come as a shock to you, but for most kids, high school sucks.

I don't know why you're acting like we didn't have the same experience.

High school was awesome!

Freshman year, you bailed on Seth and I to go be some popular girl.

No, I didn't bail. I just got more friends

and a really hot boyfriend.

Seriously, if you'd had a boyfriend, you would have understood.

Stephanie, I wouldn't understand because I'm gay.

Ooh, you can't say that word, unless you're saying it

in a neutral-positive way to refer to someone that is…

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Yeah.

And it… it made high school a living hell for me.

Back then, I felt very alone

and angry and so threatened

that if I showed one iota of my real self, then I would be ripped to shreds

by Tiffany or Blaine or you.

Me?

No way. Why would you even say that?

Because, Steph, sometimes I didn't know who you were.

Or… are.

Look, let's…

There's three weeks left of the school year.

So let's just get through those as peacefully as possible,

and then I can go to my family's lake house for the summer.

The periodic table is made up of 119 elements.

Oh, hey, space nerds. JK, JK.

Any of you want to come see Deep Impact with me and Blaine this weekend?

As part of my collab with the Natural History Museum,

you will get 20% off ticket prices and complimentary space ice cream.

So come watch the end of the world with us.

Remember it just for me. Please.

-No one's gonna read you.

Oh boy, no one's gonna read you.

Are you talking to the books?

-Oh, yeah, I find it helps them grow. -Still a dork.

-Huh. -So…

Uh,

do you, like, still wanna see Deep Impact?

I'm gonna get some popcorn.

Maybe some freeze-dried space ice cream. Maybe some Milk Duds, some Whoppers,

some Juicy Fruit. I gotta keep this girlish figure.

You want anything, or…

Um, oh, no, no, no, don't go just yet. Just hang here for one second.

Yeah, sure.

Oh my God, Seth, you're such a gentleman going to get the snacks.

Oh my God, I swear, you have such a massive dick.

-What did you say? -What? Oh, Blaine, Tiffany.

-Hi! -Hi! What are you doing here?

What a coincidence.

I'm, um, here on a date with Seth.

He asked me out, and I said,

"You know what? I am single and so horny, so yes."

-Isn't that right? -Yep.

Really?

Wait, I'm sorry. You are on a date with Sethany?

-Well, it's just Seth.

Relax. I'm just joking.

Well, yeah, we're just here to see a movie.

It's not like we're gonna have hot, consensual sex

when the lights go down.

Mm-hmm. Hmm. Hmm?

Wow! Uh…

Wow, Seth, it only took 20 years and some brain damage,

but she finally agreed to go out with you. Way to go!

Again, just joking.

-Hilarious. -Let's go find our seats.

-Huh? -Let's go find our seats.

-We gotta go find our seats. -Down in front, yep.

Yeah.

-Oh, yeah. -"Sethany."

Feed me some popcorn.

Are you serious about that?

Yeah, just be awesome. Just… just toss some into my mouth.

All right.

Seth!

Oh my God. It's stuck in my throat. Oh, I'm choking.

-No, I really… I just got a Milk Dud. -Did you actually choke on that?

Yeah, it's stuck right there, but it's all right.

I thought that was a euphemism kind of thing.

-Fire tether pitons. -Pitons fired.

-Stop it. -What?

You're eye-fucking Stephanie so hard, she'll need the morning-after pill.

I am not eye-fucking anybody.

It is embarrassing. Do you want me to call Dr. Wilbin for more therapy?

-Don't threaten me with a good time. -Shut up!

Bitch, turn your ugly face around and watch the movie.

Careful how you talk to senior citizens.

Shut up, Blaine.

Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to be quiet.

I am not the problem.

There is a freaking porno happening over there!

-What? -Don't put that on my face.

It is not my fault. I am not doing anything.

Be quiet. I'm trying to watch the movie.

You're afraid you'll miss something?

The asteroid hits,

and Téa Leoni and her Austrian dad get hit by a ginormous wave.

-Aw. -What?

Oh, come on! We all knew that!

Can you…

-Sorry. -Ma'am?

I…

-Ma'am, come with me. -Okay, fine. Blaine?

What is the name of your manager?

Sir? I am going to have to email your manager.

-Ah!

Two decades later, and I still love watching Tiff lose her mind.

-I mean, that was incredibly satisfying. -Mm-hmm.

Okay, now I understand

why you devoted so much of your time on it in high school.

-Well, not the whole time. -Oh?

Just all of my junior, sophomore, and most of my senior year.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Anyways, Marth told me something about you in high school.

Oh God. What?

She said that you had a crush on me.

Yes.

When we were in high school, I was very much in love with you.

Seth!

-Eh. -You were? Really?

-Eh. -Why didn't you ever say anything?

'Cause, you know, we were friends.

-Yeah. -And you were with Blaine.

And, you know, we both know what your answer would've been.

Maybe, maybe not. We're hanging out right now, aren't we?

Yeah, but that's only because you thought you could use me to make Blaine jealous.

Steph, come on. I'm a full-blown adult.

I think I can recognize a teenage trick when I see one.

That's not what's going on.

Oh, come on, you used to pull this with me and Marth all the time in high school.

You'd use our attention to make the popular kids crave yours.

Um, did I?

Yes.

We always wondered if those kids ever got to really meet you.

Like, the real you.

Well, I did have a really fun time tonight.

I'm… I'm sorry.

No, forget it.

So should I take you home?

Or we could continue to hang out. I have an idea of where we could go.

Whoa, okay. This place has changed.

Yeah, I think the lights are just on.

-Come on. -Okay.

Bri, baby, I need favor.

I want you to get prom king and queen reinstated.

What?

Mom.

No. No one cares about that.

I do.

I want you to beat Steph for prom queen.

You said it rewards archaic gender roles.

Well, exactly, which is why you need to be the woke prom queen.

I've already got interest from some brands,

and they are supes into it.

Mom. I'm not doing this.

And don't say "woke" or "supes."

Just beat Steph for mommy.

You owe me.

For what?

For being alive.

And if you wanna go on your trip to Nepal, you will do this for me.

-Can I ask you something? -Hmm?

Does it get exhausting trying to make everybody like you all the time?

Well,

it will be worth it when I win prom queen.

Well, what I remember about prom is that it was overhyped,

you weren't there, and it sucked.

-That's your memories of prom. That's it? -Yeah, pretty much.

Seth! Dude, come on.

Did you even try to have fun? Did you even try to tear it up on the dance floor?

-Just, like, give it the old groove? No! -Yeah!

It wouldn't have mattered, because prom doesn't matter,

especially not prom queen.

You maniac.

Come on, Steph.

You will yourself out of a coma, and that's what you care about?

-It's more than just a crown to me. -Hmm.

When I moved here to America,

it was so hard.

-Everyone made fun of me, as you remember. -Yeah.

And then Mum got sick.

And I was miserable. I was so miserable.

And you know what she used to say to help cheer me up?

She'd, like, say, "Steph, close your eyes and imagine your perfect life."

"And if you can imagine it, you can have it."

I was like… …"Shut up, Mom."

I didn't believe her.

Then she died.

Then I was…

I didn't tell anyone, but I was… I was more miserable than ever.

And then one day when we were driving and I saw Deanna Russo,

and I was like, "Whoa, she's happy."

And she was prom queen,

and I… I need to be her. Okay?

I wanted to be her so badly.

And I was getting there, and then all of a sudden, boom.

Coma. Lights out.

And I was bloody miserable again.

Then I thought, "Well…

I should see if I can prove my mum right."

"I should… I should really try and get that perfect life," you know?

Okay, definitely not just a crown. Sorry about that. I'm an asshole.

No, you're…

-No, you're not. -All right.

-Oh! -Oh! You did it. You got it!

Oh my God, okay.

-Yeah!

Woot, woot.

-Oh my God! -That's all yours. You can have that.

Do you wanna go to prom with me?

I promise you, you'll have a good time.

Well, I already signed up to be a chaperone, so, yeah, I'll go.

-Yeah? -Uh-huh.

-Awesome!

-Great. -Yeah.

Okay. All right. Wait.

-Let me try to win you something now. -Okay. Yeah.

Attention Harding High seniors,

a petition was just delivered to me by Bri Balbo,

I mean, Luvs,

um, officially reinstating a king and queen election

at this year's prom.

-What? It's back! -Prom?

Oh my God!

Oh my God!

-Shut up! -Oh my God!

Obviously, I respect the sacred privacy of student elections.

-But I'm totally voting for you. -Absolutely! Later, prom queen!

-Love you!

Can you believe it?

You might make history after all.

The first person to ever lose prom queen twice.

Don't go chasing waterfalls, Steph.

-Skank face. -What was that?

Oh, nothing.

Slut bag.

What did you just call me?

-Nothing. -Possum pussy.

-Rumpel-slut-skin. -Jizz collector.

You're a sad wife.

What did you say?

I didn't say shit, but you heard me.

Oh my God.

It's an invite to a prom party at Bri's.

-An invite? -Check your phone!

Oh my God! I got invited!

-Can you believe that? -We got invited!

-Steve Aoki is DJing. -Right?

Steve Aoki? I love it!

Oh my God!

Steph. Steph, we're not gonna go probably 'cause, I mean, it's a $50 cover.

-Oh, yeah. -That's so expensive.

I can't afford that.

Why didn't you tell me we were hosting it? I'd have got that aphrodisiac wine.

I didn't know.

Hi, guys.

I am so pumped to announce

that I will be hosting the biggest and the best prom after-party

at a supersecret locaish.

It's free to get in, unlike Bri's.

It's gonna be awesome.

So, DM me a picture of your ballot voting me as prom queen,

and you'll get all the deets night of.

This is weird for me too, sir.

Stephie!

Wanna hurry it up?

You want a beer?

Oh, uh, sure.

Wrong answer, hot rod.

You think I'll let you drink and drive with my daughter?

Oh, well, I'm actually not driving. We're taking a Lyft.

Oh, cool.

Though I suspect Stephanie would prefer not to spend her prom evening

with a drunken fool.

It would just be the o--

No, I think I'm okay, actually. I'll maybe have a water, if anything.

-Did you bring some condoms?

Um, no.

Hm. Didn't think we needed to have this talk, but, uh, Seth,

you are aware that unprotected sex can lead to geriatric pregnancies?

-Stephie! -You ready to be an old dad?

I'm sorry, do you want me to sleep with your daughter?

-Or-- -What did you just ask me?

-It's-- -Okay, I'm ready!

Mom chose great.

Yeah.

-Going to prom.

-Oh my God. Dad, stop it. -Don't.

Dad, stop it. You're embarrassing me.

A bit higher on the angle.

Dad, you're taking so many, but take more, take more.

-Boy band.

Okay, Dad, that's enough.

-Maybe just some of me? -Oh.

This is such a perfect night.

-Yeah. -That filthy ho.

-She's rigging the election. -She's an adult. She won't stoop that low.

Wait.

Hey, Tiffany.

-Oh my gosh. -Hey, Steph!

I'm surprised you're here.

Aren't you normally on a Saturday night just home sharpening your teeth?

You know, I just want to say

the noble thing would be to do what the rest of these students are doing

and vote for Bri.

Oh.

-Is that right? -Mm-hmm.

Well, I always do the noble thing.

Vote for Bri. Is it spelled like the cheese?

B, R, I.

Hmm.

Interesting.

Ooh.

Yep. Right in there.

There.

I'm just so confident.

-Just vote for me. -Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Sethany.

You know you're not eligible for prom queen, right?

That's right, I'm not. I'm not eligible for prom queen.

And it's probably killing you that you aren't either.

Relax, Tiff.

I'm just joking.

-That's funny. -It's funny. It was a joke. Yeah.

-It was a joke.

She's going down.

Bye.

-Oh my God, it's beautiful. -Mm-hmm.

Oh my God, Steph! There you are!

-Oh, you guys look incredible. Amazing! -Thanks. Wanna go crush the photo booth?

Oh my God, stop. You're causing climate change.

Um, I've got to go and get some votes. I don't know whether you guys saw,

but Bri's mom is, like, totally trying to rig the election.

Oh! Oh, hell, no!

I will not stand for voter suppression.

-We're gonna go help spread the word. -Storm the cafeteria.

-Bye. -See you later?

Everyone feeling included? Okay.

There's enough room on the dance floor for everybody,

and you don't need a partner to dance. I usually dance by myself. It's fun.

Baby, look at me. You know, this is the dress I won prom queen in. Still fits.

I almost wore that exact same dress,

but I'm glad I didn't because you look phenomenal.

-Aw. -What are you doing?

I am fulfilling my duties as the president of the PTA,

overlooking the ballot boxes,

and something tells me that you got this in the bag.

Wink.

I mean, you can't be a woke prom queen if you lose.

Which reminds me, here is a list of brands

I'd love for you to casually drop during your acceptance speech.

Each one could be an additional 10K.

Don't worry if you can't work in Pep Boys. It's not really our thing.

Please just try and remember this is my prom, not yours.

-Hey, fam.

Um, guys, just letting you know that prom queen voting is still open,

and I think that something--

Damn, Conway, you look…

-…banging.

Oh my God, you're here. I mean, um…

You came.

Of course, I came. I've been waiting 20 years to see you in this dress.

My God, you look beautiful.

What is this? You mind if I slip this off?

-Um-- -You really don't need it.

I still have a naughty thing for prom queens, right?

Well, If I don't get enough votes, you might be fucking your daughter.

Huh?

-No, I wouldn't do that, but… -No. Obviously. Sorry. Yeah.

Look at us. We are…

We're meant to be together. We're perfect together. Admit it.

We're made for one another.

-Blaine? -Yeah.

I don't think this is right. This is a mistake.

No, no. The mistake was me asking Tiff to prom. Trust me.

Wait. No, Blaine. Seriously.

Seth.

Seth?

Hey, Seth. Seth, hey! I know what that looked like,

but I promise you, it's not what you think.

You teenage-tricked me, Steph.

And you know what? It's my fault for believing you changed.

Okay, class of 2022, it's the big moment!

Okay, so the reason that we're all here and the only reason we all came tonight…

-No. -…is because-- No, it is.

…is because I have the results of our prom elections.

By a unanimous vote, our 2022 prom king is

Lance Harrison.

Yes!

Oh my God!

And the winner of prom queen received over 1,000 votes

despite there only being 327 of you.

However, she has just informed us

that she has withdrawn from the competition.

What?

-Okay, so… -Bri.

…the 2022 prom queen will go to…

Stephanie Conway.

There's been a mistake. No, no, no.

-Go, Steph! I can't believe it!

God!

Stephanie! Stephanie! Stephanie! Stephanie!

Stephanie!

Stephanie!

No! No!

Stephanie! Stephanie! Stephanie! Stephanie!

Now it is time for our king and queen to take their dance.

-Oh my God!

-Oh my God! -What?

Stop.

After-party at Bri's house with live music.

And spoiler alert, party favors are Beats by Dre headphones!

Bri, will you tell them?

Hey, everyone, after-party is at Steph's place. See you there.

Wait, what are you doing? The house is ready for the party.

I mean, Steve Aoki is in our living room. What am I going to tell him?

I don't know. Tell him you lost prom queen.

Shit. Shit.

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

No!

Yes, hi. I'd like to report a rowdy high school party

with tons of underage drinking.

And-- Oh my God!

I think an adult is hosting it.

Yeah!

Hey!

Hey, Janet!

Come on!

-No, don't film me! -Why?

The media will use it to try and discredit me.

Wait, no.

-Fuck it! Fuck it! Film me! Film me! -Okay. Okay.

Yeah, come on, yeah. That's right. It's the president, bitch!

-Yeah! -Suck my vulva!

Oh my God, whose tooth is this?

-Oh shit.

Cops!

-Where? Wait. Okay, wait-- -Bye, Stephanie.

No. Oh my God.

Oh my God, Martha, I was just about to call you.

Steph, what in ever living fuck were you thinking?

-You said I could use the house. -Are you kidding? Twenty years ago.

And even then, I didn't want you to use it.

-Did you even think about me?

This is all kinds of illegal.

Oh my God, they're gonna make a Netflix documentary about me.

Well, wait. Okay, think about that. That could be really cool.

That… that could be epic.

Look how well it turned out for Tiger King.

No.

No, it's not epic or cool.

God, you're the same as in high school.

-So you don't want a drink? -No, I don't want a drink!

You need to grow up!

You're not a teenager!

I know I'm not. I'm an adult. Is that what you want to hear?

Yes, I am a 37-year-old 12th grader.

You don't think I know how crazy it is going back to high school in this body?

What else was I supposed to do?

-What else did I have? -You had me, and you had Seth.

Everybody else just got to go on and live their lives.

I'm supposed to just jump forward?

I'm just not allowed to ever make mistakes?

Making mistakes is different

than willfully screwing over the people who care about you.

You pushed us away.

They were not your friends. We were your friends.

We were the ones who cared about you.

We were the ones who showed up at the hospital.

They never came to the hospital. None of them.

I can't believe you would say that.

I got tons of birthday cards.

Did you even look to see who they were from?

Help. Oh God.

Was that curry?

I'm done. You can find your own way home.

Hey, Seth.

Finally.

I saw you followed Stephanie on Insta.

Don't you wanna know if I got arrested at that party you called the cops on?

I know it was you.

Do you think I do this stuff for fun? I'm looking out for you.

We could have made a hundred grand tonight.

We could've used that money as a donation to get you into college.

So you could blog about being an Ivy League mom?

Oh well, I guess I'll have to get in myself.

I want you to have the perfect life,

like me.

The perfect life online means nothing when you're miserable in real life.

We are not miserable.

Yeah, we are.

And you're right, Mom.

No elite person follows more than 100 people.

So you gotta go.

-You are toast.

Hey, your family's fucked up.

Are we doing this? I got another gig in an hour.

You know what? Fuck you, Steve Aoki.

No offense, but you look like a prom queen.

Holy shit, Deanna Russo?

Yeah. Do we know each other?

Oh my God. No. I… I mean… Well, I know who you are.

You're a legend at Harding High.

You won prom queen and had a perfect life.

Perfect life?

Yeah. Uh, let's see, um…

I was divorced before I was 30 when my husband left me

for a 21-year-old barista with two more abs than I had.

And I was left with no credit and no job prospects.

My advice, throw that crown away now.

You know what prom queen got me?

An even spray tan

and the ability to dodge bleach poisoning every time I get my hair done.

Well, I mean, that is a skill.

Yeah.

But, uh, imagine all the other skills I would have had if I'd gone to college.

I don't know where I would be,

but I do know it wouldn't be taking courses at the community college

while hustling to make rent between two jobs.

The only thing I look forward to is taking my pants off at night.

Oh my God. I do that too now.

-It's so good, right? -Yeah. Just like…

-Yeah.

But it's all worth it 'cause I am going to get a degree,

and I am going to have a career, and that is everything.

And for the first time in my life, I'm excited about the future

instead of holding on to the past.

Please welcome our award-winning Harding Bulldogettes!

Oh. There you are.

Is everything okay?

Want something to eat?

I'm not hungry.

Oh, come on. Sit down with me. Have breakfast with your old dad.

Do you know where you're sitting at graduation yet?

On my butt?

I just wanna get a good seat so I can see you.

I'm not gonna go to graduation, Dad.

Seth and Martha won't talk to me,

and I don't think anybody else wants me there.

Well, I want you there.

That doesn't count.

Yes, it does.

I count.

I know you used to roll your eyes whenever Mom would compliment you,

tell you how amazing, beautiful, wonderful you were,

like she had to say it 'cause she was Mom,

but she wanted to

because she believed it, deeply.

One of the last things she said to me was to make sure

that you knew how to receive love.

And I spent every day of your coma wondering if I messed up,

so… let me be clear.

Don't waste your time telling the people who love you the most

that they don't count.

They are the only ones that count.

Thanks, Dad.

Yeah.

Okay, I know I have some things to clear up, so…

I thought this is gonna be the best way.

Guys, I fucked up. And I really need to apologize.

First of all, I've been a really dodgy friend

to the two people who care about me the most,

the people who supported me when I was just that dorky kid fresh from Australia,

the ones who stayed by my side, even when I majorly neglected them,

the ones who, for some reason, never gave up on me.

It doesn't matter who has the most friends or likes or followers.

If you just have one or two great friends

who will support you even when you're being a butt slut,

then you've got it all.

And that is something worth fighting for,

so fuck what other people think.

Yeah, like, fuck being popular. Fuck being cool.

Fuck it in the ass.

Stephie, language.

I never planned on taking two decades to graduate, obvi,

but the class of 2022 showed me something that

I could never have learned when I was in high school the first time.

We have a school archive!

And that is every single one of us is so unique, and that's awesome.

Why fit in when you can stand out?

And so, okay, now I'm gonna do something

that I wish I had the confidence to do 20 years ago,

and that is being my real self.

And yeah, I'm still afraid that if I show everyone my real self,

the wrong people will make fun of me.

But it's the only way for the right people to see me.

And they're the ones I care about the most.

They're the ones I want, more than anything, to forgive me.

Dad, stop. Stop it.

That's it.

Dad, just stop it! Press stop.

-Sorry.

That was beautiful.

Tiff.

My daughter won't, um, unblock me unless…

I came to apologize to you.

-Seriously? -So…

Um…

I am sorry for everything I've done

and for treating you like human garbage all these years.

Tiff, I'm not the one you should be trying to make things right with.

You and Blaine have an awesome daughter

who's so smart and way cooler than what you and I ever were.

Stop competing with her.

There's enough room for both of you.

There's enough room for all of us.

We don't need to fight with each other.

You're right.

I am really sorry, Stephanie,

for…

everything.

Yeah.

Apology accepted.

-Okay. -Tiff, wait, um…

I never let a guest leave without a gift.

-Hang on. -That is…

-Just wait… wait one second. -…so cute.

That's for you.

-Thank you so much. Thank you. -Thanks for coming over.

Lance Harrison.

Oh my God.

-I just wanna say thanks to my grandma-- -No, no, no, no.

Just so everybody knows, nobody else do that. Okay.

Britney Jean Balbo.

-Yes, Bri! -Go, baby!

Go, Bri!

Stephanie Marie Conway.

That's my daughter!

Um, oh…

Here. To pay for all the damage at the lake house.

Where did you get this from?

I sold the Cabriolet. Time to grow up.

Aw.

I am so proud of you.

Aw, thanks, Marth.

I'm so lucky to have you as a friend.

Congrats, Steph.

Thanks.

Now, to end our ceremony, I'd like to invite

our 2022 class valedictorian, Janet Singh.

-After you. -Thank you!

Go, Janet!

Okay, listen up.

It is hot as hell, and this ceremony is way too long.

So I'm just gonna say one thing.

Who you are in high school doesn't define you.

And I would also like to officially announce

my campaign for US president.

Vote for me in 2040.

Yay!

And lastly, I have one question for all of you.

-Are you ready…

-…for the Harding…

-…Bulldogettes?

No way. Stephanie's Dance Grooves?

-Ready? -Okay!

-Strong arms!

Okay, I have to go.

-Kelly Clarkson!

Oh my God! Oh my God!

Well, then, we should go out?

-No duh.

Who doesn't want a Hummer on their big night?

Not me.

-I love belly button play.

I really wanna get spit-roasted by two leather daddies.

Never before. I'm sex… sex nothing.

-Stop. -Okay, all righty.

-A-mark.

B-mark.

I'm making a love heart sign.

What am I doing? I'm just making a love heart.

Welcome to Book Corner with Sam Richardson.

-Oh.

Oppa Gangnam Style.

-Oppa. Oppa. -Oppa Gangnam Style.

Yeah, very fast.

I really do want to go to college. So what do I need to do?

I… I would do anything. I mean, not…

Oh.

Sorry, I just… Yeah, I… I meant… anything.

No, I didn't… Sorry. I didn't mean that. I meant…

Oh my God. I meant I will do anything…

-Oh my God. -…non-sexually.

Oh, good, good. Don't ever resort to that unless you have to.

And if that's what you wanna do with your life, then do it,

but don't do it with me. I'm terrible in bed.