All language subtitles for The.Good.Place.S03E05.HDTV.x264-SVA

What the hell is that?

Oh! Hey, guys!

What are you doing down here?

Well, we came to get more champagne,

which is right behind that magic door.

What door?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on?

Who are you, and why
were you talking about us?

What's the Good Place?
And what are afterlife points?

And who has the most? And is it me?

Wait a second, I know this guy.

You're Zach Pizzazz.

He got me here from Jacksonville.

No, this is the librarian
from the university.

Well, I know him as Gordon Indigo,

a very rude Silicon Valley investor.

All right, guys.
I can explain everything.

Just give me one second, okay?

How do we get out of this?

Well, they heard us explaining

the entire system of the afterlife,

and they saw an inter-dimensional door

open and close, so...

not a ton of wiggle room here.

But you're forgetting

one, crucial piece of information...

Right?

You're forgetting one crucial piece
of information that'll save us.

Yo! Buddy, you have, like, three seconds

to explain this crazy space door,

or Chidi here is gonna beat you up.

Oh, no, I'm... I'm not.

But I would like to know
about the space door.

All right, I don't know
what choice we have.

I'll tell you the truth.

My name is Special Agent Rick Justice,

and this is Lisa Frenchy-Fuqua.

We're with the FBI.

And all of you are in grave danger.

I knew it.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Agent Fuqua and I are
paranormal investigators.

We're here to protect you from demons.

No, wait, that's real.
Uh, ghouls, ghouls...

We're here to protect you from ghouls.

Now, I had to appear
in different disguises

to keep tabs on you.

But you are all involved
together in this FBI case.

No, we... we can prove this.

We have detailed files on all of you.

Ask Janet anything.

Who's Janet?

Frenchy. Sorry...

Frenchy's nickname is Janet.

I thought her nickname was Frenchy.

It is.

That's why they call her,

- Lisa "Double Nickname" Fuqua.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay. Guys, I used to work at a place

that was raided by the FBI
pretty frequently.

I know a Fed when I see one.

And these two jamokes are not FBI, okay?

Who are you... really?

All right, all right, fine.
Just give me one more second.

One.

- Serious question...
- Yeah.

- Should we kill them?
- What?

It might work!

We kill them, go back through the door,

somehow grab them before
they get to the Bad Place,

and regroup from there.

I could kill them right now.

You know, it would be easy.

Their bodies are very poorly made.

They're mostly goo and juice.

You just take the juice out,
and then they're dead.

Michael, they've seen through
the door into the afterlife,

and they heard how it works.

It's over.

Ah.

Fine.

I guess I'll start at the beginning.

You all died.

Well, this sucks.

So, to sum up...

there is a heaven and hell.

We've been to hell,

and now, no matter how good we are,

for the rest of our lives,
we're going back to hell?

Again, it's not the classic
Christian hell, but...

that's the gist, yes.

As soon as you learned
about the afterlife,

your motivation
to be good was corrupted.

So you can't earn points anymore.

So sorry for eternally dooming you.

And that's our bad, guys.

So all the attempts you made
to torture us...

we must have been
in the afterlife for 100 years.

Almost 300, actually.

Well, how is it possible
that all these things

happened to us but no time
passed on Earth?

Did you go back in time to save us?

Uh, I didn't have to...

because of Jeremy Bearimy.

Who's Jeremy Bearimy?

Okay.

Things in the afterlife don't happen

while things are happening here,

because while time on Earth moves

in a straight line...

one thing happens,
then the next, then the next...

time in the afterlife

moves in a "Jeremy Bearimy."

What?

In the afterlife, time doubles back

and loops around and ends up
looking something like...

"Jeremy Bearimy."

This is the timeline in the afterlife.

Happens to kind of look like
the name "Jeremy Bearimy"

in cursive English,
so that's what we call it.

Sorry. I'm... my brain is melting.

How can events happen before

the ones that happened... before?

It's just the way it works.

It's... it's Jeremy Bearimy.

I don't know what to tell you.

That's the easiest way to describe it.

Okay, but, um...

what the hell is this?

The dot over the I...
what the hell is that?

Okay, um, how do
I explain this concisely?

This is Tuesdays...

and also July.

- And sometimes it's never.
- That's true.

Occasionally that moment
on the Bearimy timeline

is the time-moment
when nothing never occurs.

So... you get it.

This broke me!

The dot, over the I,

that broke me. I'm...

I'm done.

You know what? I'm glad
this whole thing happened,

because now I can go back

to living my life the way I used to...

only caring about myself

because being good is pointless.

No, no. Please, Eleanor...

No, thank you. I'm outtie.

See you in hell.

You know what I just realized?

I always say that when leaving a room,

but right now it's accurate.

I will literally see all of you in hell.

- Not if I see you first.
- Let's go, Jason.

No, no... look, look, you guys,
this is not over.

We have to stay together!

Look, we'll figure something out!

Like, just one idea I had...

I could kill all of you.

That's my birthday.

Hey, buddy.

It's my birthday.
One free margarita, please.

Happy birthday!

Can I just see some I.D.?

- No.
- Why not?

Well, because it's not
really my birthday.

I just want a free margarita.

Well, if I just randomly
gave you a free drink,

I'd have to do it for everyone.

Pretty soon I'd go out of business.

Then don't do it for everyone.

Just do it for me
because it's my birthday.

Happy birthday.

Jason, I have an idea.

But it's a little risky.

I need you to act as my bodyguard...

like my friend, Kevin Costner,

in that movie
where he was a bodyguard...

"The Bodyguard."

No problem... my cousin once hired me

to do crowd control
for his off-brand SeaWorld.

Well, technically, it was just a bunch

of kiddie pools full of jellyfish,

and instead of a killer whale,
they killed a whale.

Excuse me, miss.

we'd like to buy one opera, please.

Uh, what he means is

I would like to give $2 million

to the Sydney Opera.

Ms. Al-Jamil, this is so generous.

With a donation of that size,

we will dedicate
a rehearsal hall in your honor.

Thank you, but, no.

Lovely as it sounds

to add to my collection
of wings and atria,

the gift will be anonymous.

As you wish. I'll draw up the papers.

Why don't you want your name
on the opera house?

I love getting my name on stuff.

In Jacksonville, I got
a flu virus named after me

'cause I kissed a bat on a dare.

Well, I was thinking about
why I was sent to hell,

as one is wont to do
when one has recently been told

that one had been sent to hell,

and it occurred to me,
I have always been held captive

by my desire for attention.

Now that I know how it all ends,

I just want to be virtuous
for virtue's sake.

That's beautiful.

I got to say, though,
if you want to do more charity,

I know a way that could be a lot of fun.

Hey, you want to talk to God?

"God is dead.

"God remains dead,
and we have killed him.

"Who will wipe this blood off us?

"What festivals of atonement,

what sacred games
shall we have to invent?"

Friedrich Nietzsche, 1882.

I was just trying to sell you
some drugs,

and you made it weird!

I've never written a manifesto before.

What are you gonna say?

It will be a complete account
of everything we've learned.

from the beginning
of my neighborhood to right now

and then a recommendation

of how we feel the afterlife
could be improved.

When we turn ourselves in,
we'll give it to the judge.

Hopefully she'll read it.

We failed, Janet.

But maybe one day,
someone else will succeed.

Okay. So...

A...

man... i... fes... to.

by...

mi...

Where's the H?

This keyboard doesn't have an H.

- Well...
- Oh, whoa, whoa, wait.

Wait, I see it, I see it!

Look what I did!

- Yeah.
- I wrote, "Micahel"!

Oh, that's...

Okay. Back, back, back, back, back.

Maybe you should dictate,
and I should type.

Good call.

Just laying out some early details.

Go ahead and start dictating.

Look, there have to be rules.
Every place has rules.

Ugh, fine. Here are my rules.

Rule number one...
I get to do whatever I want,

and you all just have to deal with it.

Rule two... no more Spider-Man movies.

There's way too many Spider-Man movies!

Too many dorky little twerpy Spider-Men.

Rule three... everyone leave me alone.

So you just take care of yourself.

You don't owe anything to anyone else?

If people lived that
way, society would break down.

Yeah, in America, everyone
does whatever they want.

Society did break down.

It's terrible, and it's great.

You only look out for number one,

scream at whoever disagrees with you.

There are no bees because they all died,

and if you need surgery,

you just beg for money on the Internet.

It's a perfect system.

Now get me another drink.
Tomorrow's my birthday.

Well, well, well... a wallet.

My rules say I get to take the cash out

and keep it, because in my society,

I do whatever I want,
'cause I'm awesome.

Just take it. Take it, Eleanor.

Just...

Ugh!

All right, this is
the address on the license.

That'll be 58 bucks.

Keep the meter running...
as soon as I'm done here,

I'm gonna head to the airport
and get the hell out

of this trash country, where everyone

is either a criminal or a spider.

Hello, ma'am.
Is there a Fred Booth here?

I found his wallet,
and now I'm doing a nice thing

and returning it because I suck.

Sorry, he moved.

I can give you his new address
if you'd like.

Actually, I have some of his mail.

If you're gonna go see him,
could you bring it along?

Of course. I would love
to bring some rando his mail.

Anything else you want me
to schlep over?

Well, this awesome day gets awesomer.

Before the airport, we're
heading to 78 Palmer Street.

Ha! That's right next to
the bar where I picked you up!

I feel like a bloody boomerang!

Of course you do!

- Uh...
- Hello.

Sir, you, uh, can't shop here
without a shirt.

Oh...

Sir, that'll be $880.

Here's my credit card.

Why don't you just charge it
and keep it forever?

And also, here's the keys to my car.

Wait. Do you guys have, like, a
"take-a-car, leave-a-car" tray?

No?

Just take it. Just take it.

Excuse me, sir.

Would you like some free money?

Now you can buy fingers for your gloves!

Hello, madam. Are you poor?

Here's $5,000 for a new stroller.

Have a nice day!

You don't have to say
the "are you poor?" part.

Right.

- Hello, here's some money.
- Here you go!

- Hello.
- Here you go.

Now you can buy a bigger chin guitar!

This was a truly great plan.

Oh, thanks.

Man, there's so many times
that just this amount of money

would have changed my life.

I could have paid my rent.

I could have gone to a real doctor,

instead of pretending I was a big dog

so I could go to the vet.

You know, that gives me an idea...

which I suppose one could argue means

that anything could have given
me an idea.

Come with me!

I'm sorry, Ms. Al-Jamil,

but I just don't feel comfortable

processing this request.

- Why not?
- Well, it just seems a bit...

odd to transfer the totality
of your account...

131 million British pounds
to the account of...

this person...

a man who is so flagrantly ignoring

the "one lollipop per customer" rule.

No, I walked out and back in each time,

so I'm different customers.

We're technically supposed
to shut down the bank

if anyone from Florida even walks in.

Look, all my life, this money has been

a weight around my neck...

like the Heart of the Ocean necklace

my friend James Cameron once gave me.

I don't want the money.
My friend Jason does.

I would like to give it to him.

If it's easier, you can just put it on

a Game Stop gift card.

That does not make it easier.

I can't help you. I'm sorry.

G'day

Fred, my name is Eleanor Shellstrop.

I have all your crap.

- Thank you.
- And your wallet.

Oh, my goodness! Thank you so much!

It was nothing.

Dude, I didn't take your money.

I would never even think of doing that.

No, no, no. I'm not worried about that.

Ah. Here it is.

I started a new job a few months ago,

and I got really nervous.

So my daughter, Carolyn,
drew this for me

to make me feel better.

Ah, it's my good-luck charm.

Every time I'm stressed at work now,

I just have to look at this,

and I feel... safe.

A lot of people wouldn't have
tried so hard

to get this to me.

You are a good person, Eleanor.

I really hope my daughter
turns out like you

when she grows up.

Are you all right?

No, you shut up!

Sorry, it's been a weird day.

♪ You put the Peeps in the chili pot ♪

♪ And eat them both up ♪

♪ You put the Peeps in the chili pot ♪

♪ And add the M&Ms ♪

♪ You put the Peeps in the chili pot ♪

♪ And it makes it taste bad ♪

I'm gonna eat all this chili...

and/or die trying.

Anyone want any?

I'm just gonna put it right down here.

Come on.

Dip your paws in my chili.

Scoop your little mittens
right in the stew.

Professor, I can see that
you're going through something,

but exams are next week,

so can you teach us anything?

All right, nerd.

You want to learn something?
I'll teach you something.

I'm gonna teach you the meaning of life.

How do you like them apples?

Now, over the last 2,500 years,

Western philosophers
have formed three main theories

on how to live an ethical life.

Now, first off, there's virtue ethics.

Aristotle believed that there were

certain virtues of mind and character,

like courage or generosity,

and you should try to develop yourself

in accordance with those virtues.

The gift will be anonymous.

Next, there's consequentialism.

The basis for judgment
about whether something

is right or wrong

stems from the consequences
of that action.

How much utility, or good,
did it accomplish

versus how much pain, or bad.

And finally, there's deontology,

the school of thought
that there are strict rules

and duties that everyone must adhere to

in a functioning society.

Being ethical is simply identifying

and obeying those duties

and following those rules.

But here's the thing,
my little chili babies,

all three of those theories
are hot, stinky cat dookie.

The true meaning of life,

the actual ethical system
that you should all follow

is nihilism.

The world is empty.

There is no point to anything,

and you're just gonna die.

So do whatever.

And now I'm gonna eat

my marshmallow-candy chili in silence,

and you all can jump up your own butts.

Is that gonna be on the test?

Yes. And, no.

And you all get As or Fs.

And there is no test.

And you all failed it,
and you all got As.

Who cares? Good-bye.

Good-byyyyye.

Cool lecture.

And cooler shirt.

Feeling all right?

- I feel fine.
- Hmm.

I do have a stomachache.

Why do I always have a stomachache?

Well, you just ate
50 pounds of chili, bro.

This one's on you.

Look, I know the future seems bleak.

But I have a plan.

Come with me.

No, ah, ah, leave that chili, weirdo.

A complete account of every single thing

we've done and learned.

I added all the data
we've gathered here on Earth

- in chart and in graph form.
- Hmm.

And I added a pretty tasty little recipe

for cinnamon rolls made
out of pizza dough.

Ha!

Maybe someone someday
can learn from our mistakes.

And enact real change

in the process of judging people.

But for now, Janet, old friend,

we are going to enjoy our time on Earth

before we're retired.

- Hmm.
- So let's get started.

I know it's touristy,

but I'd really like
to visit a LensCrafters.

Ooh, and I'd like to get bangs.

Hey, guys.

It... it's really nice to see you.

Um... is everything okay...

other than, you know, everything?

We've started to accept our fates.

It's all chili under the bridge.

Oh! Good, you're all here!

Big news everyone...

We got...

- Tacos!
- Married!

Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah, we got married.

And then after we got married,
we got tacos!

Wow! Wow, that's crazy!

It's strictly platonic, of course.

We only did it
so I could legally give Jason

half my money.

We just popped over
to the British Embassy

and signed the papers.

That's insane, but it's also, like...

the 11th most insane thing
to happen today,

so... who cares?

I need everyone to focus up.

So the four of us...

the six of us, really, are doomed.

Our fates are sealed.

But I think we have one move left.

We can try.

Try... what?

Try to do good.

That stupid, little voice in my head

told me to do something good today,

and it was so annoying,
but it also made a dork

and his very untalented
daughter super happy.

Me trying just a little bit

put some good out into the world.

The six of us are not getting
into the Good Place.

But there are still people in
this world that we care about,

so I say we try and help them
be good people.

Try and help them get in.
I mean, why not try?

It's better than not trying, right?

That's a lovely sentiment, Eleanor.

Let's try. I'm in.

I'm in, too.

I'm gonna remember this day forever

because of your dope speech

and also because
of the great tacos I had

and also because I got married

and I found out I was going to hell

and also I became
a hundred-millionaire...

All right, we get it. We get it.

It goes without saying that we're in.

Let's say it anyway.

- We're in...
- We're...

All right, you go...

- We're in...
- We're in...

We're just so excited!

We're in!

What do you say, bud?

You want to join the Soul Squad?

Try to save some souls?

Yeah. I'm in.

But first, I have
to go to the bathroom forever.

There you are, my love.

I was just on my way to the MRI lab.

I thought I heard your voice.

Ready to go to the airport?

Start our lives together?

Go ahead, Tahani, we're rolling.