Original subtitles

My dear friends...

...we are gathered together today to pay our final respects to the beloved...

...Mrs. Mary Elizabeth Ryan.

She was a dedicated wife and a loving mother.

Her life was a guiding light for all of us to follow.

She will be missed, not only by her family, but by everyone who knew her.

However, we can take solace in the fact...

...that she is now hand-in-hand with our father in heaven.

She is now at peace with the universe.

So be it the way and the will of all things past and present.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

Amen.

Add those two things to the report, get it back to me as soon as possible.

Okay, sarge.

Hey, Bar?

Just a sec, sarge.

- Yeah? - Is that racquetball game on for tonight?

- Sure thing. - We'll kill them.

- 8:30, huh? Okay, buddy. - Yeah.

These clowns must think I'm 2 inches tall.

Why?

It's addressed: Occupant Box 47.

Well, hey, at least it isn't a bill.

Every one of these is a vulture after my hard-earned bucks.

Hey, want me to tell you how to stop getting bills?

Yeah, how?

Stop buying stuff, okay?

Hey, do you think I want a national recession on my conscience, huh?

All right.

I'm rich.

I'm famous.

First, I'm going to pay all my bills and buy myself a T-Bird...

...and spend my vacation in Hawaii, huh?

- Hey, old buddy. - What's the matter, Frank?

Nothing, sarge. Everything is beautiful.

You're beautiful, Jon's beautiful and I'm terrific.

I'm beautiful and you're terrific.

What happened to him? He run into a tree without his helmet?

Yeah, well, near as I can tell, he became rich and famous.

Yeah, and I just became the commissioner.

Okay, go ahead, put me down.

But I just made a fortune.

Frank, the only way you're gonna make a fortune...

...is when Sacramento starts paying by the goof.

Yeah, wait a minute, Ponch, I mean, how can one letter make you a fortune?

By placing in my lucky hands four tickets to Name Your Price...

...the highest-paying game show on television.

- Is that your fortune? - Yeah.

Well, I don't wanna burst your bubble, Frank...

...but my wife went down to that show three times...

...and they didn't even pick her to play the game.

How do you figure they'll pick you to be a contestant?

Because I'm lucky.

Yeah, that's what she thought. It didn't happen.

But your wife has no luck.

How do you figure that, Frank?

It's obvious, sarge.

She married you.

Now, I... That's not unlucky, Frank.

Being unlucky is being Frank Poncherello...

...and sitting in this room 27 seconds after he's supposed to be out on patrol.

- Right, sarge. - Yeah.

Come on, Baker. Don't hang me up. Let's get out of here.

See you later.

You said I was a natural for Name Your Price.

- I never said that. - You practically said it.

What I said is, you buy more junk than anyone I know.

Right. So I know my merchandise and I know what it costs.

You mean, what you owe.

Same thing.

Look, I'm not going into this overconfident.

No one would ever accuse Francis Llewellyn Poncherello...

...of making that mistake.

Well, you got that right. I'm gonna do my homework.

I'm gonna learn the price of every product in America.

- By Friday? - Yup.

With you coaching me, of course.

Pass.

Hollywood Freeway units be on the lookout for a 10851...

...Silver Shadow Rolls Royce...

...silver and black in color.

Last seen heading east on Santa Monica Boulevard toward Hollywood Freeway.

L.A. 15, 7 Adam in pursuit, possible 10851 Rolls Royce...

...northbound Hollywood at Sunset.

Attention Hollywood Freeway units...

...7 Adam in pursuit, possible 10851 Rolls Royce...

...northbound Hollywood at Sunset.

L.A. 15, 7 Mary 3 and 4 will respond, northbound at Western.

Ten-four, 7 Mary 3.

- Are you all right? - Oh, sure, I'm all right.

Oh, look at my chickens.

Dagnabit!

How could a Rolls Royce just disappear?

I don't know. Maybe it's a new accessory. You know, push the button and:

L.A. 15, 7 Mary 4, 10851...

...the Rolls Royce has disappeared in Lankershim on the Hollywood Freeway.

We ask that you move some of those cages and get this traffic going.

Let's go. Bring it on up.

Here we go.

Hey, what's up?

Everything all right?

Oh, just fine. Yeah, thanks.

- What...? - Oh, I can't believe what happened.

I was driving along and this woman tears by me, cuts in front of me.

Look what happened to my whole stock.

How will I go to the market?

Did you get the lady's license number?

Get her license? I couldn't even see her pass, that's how fast she went.

- Can I have your name, ma'am? - I don't have a name right now.

Millie, I can't tell you my last name if you killed me.

Oh, officer. Officer.

Did you catch that rich witch in the Rolls?

No, sir... I mean, ma'am. We didn't. Sorry.

Terrific.

You can't catch the speeders, and they can't catch the chickens.

Dumb cluck.

Hey, Artie. You're using the wrong psychology there.

Listen. What, are you some kind of chicken shrink?

Oh, very funny. Let me show you how.

Don't you guys know how to catch the chickens?

Okay, farmer Jon. You're the expert, you show us.

There you go, city boys.

There's another one right here.

Two.

That's very good, partner.

We can't be standing here all day picking them up one by one.

So I got an idea. Food.

Yeah, that's good.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Do you have any birdseed?

- Birdseed? - Yeah.

These aren't canaries, they're chickens. Can't you tell by the way they sing?

Oh, I think he meant chicken feed, ma'am.

Oh, why didn't he say so?

What are you gonna do?

Well, I figured I'd lay down a trail of seed-feed...

Whatever, ma'am.

And the chickens will follow it to the back of the truck.

They might just follow you to the booby hatch.

I don't think it's gonna work, guys.

Well, it's worth a try.

It's over here.

Come on, chick, chick.

Yeah. Come on, chick, chick, chick.

Watch where you're walking.

Come on, chick, chick.

Come on, chick, chick, Come on, chick, chick, chick.

Come on, chick, chick, chick.

You see, I told you it would work.

Colonel Sanders, where are you when I need you?

I told you it wouldn't work, right?

I thought you were in training.

Hey, it's good to shock the system once in a while.

Listen, who are you taking to watch me win at the Name Your Price?

- I don't know. I thought I'd take Shirley. - Shirley?

Come on, Jon. You know, they want classy people on their show.

Yeah? Then why'd they send you tickets?

Listen, why don't you take Joyce?

- Joyce is a better blender. - Blender?

Yeah, she'd blend in so well with the audience that I'd stand out.

Yeah, well, who are you taking?

I thought I'd give Diane the opportunity.

Come on. You're taking Diane, "Miss Knock-Your-Eyes-Out. "

And I'm gonna take the blender?

Hey, Jon, that's my game plan.

The emcee will see me sitting out there with Diane...

...and he'll have to figure out that I'm witty, charming, and fantastic.

Fantastic, that's not bad, but how about unbelievable?

All units stand by for a 10851 report.

Be on the lookout for two additional 10851 vehicles.

1974 tan Rolls Royce, 654 Aida-Mary-Sam.

1933 white Rolls Royce, Ocean-Paul-Charles.

Request all units hold for prints if stopped.

We're working with some real pros, partner.

Yeah, that's why they got away this morning.

- Only 10 more minutes. - Till what?

Till you start coaching me for the show.

Wait a minute. I thought "off-duty" meant we're off.

Hey, Ponch.

Yeah, Rolls with no plates.

Please, step out of the car.

Will you step to the front of the car, sir?

May I see your driver's license and registration?

My driver's license is no problem...

...but I don't have the registration. I just bought the car.

Well, let me see the driver's license then.

Hey, I know who you are.

I recognize you. You're Bob and carey.

The neighbors of yours and mine, the people from The Troubled World.

Hey, Jon.

- This is an honor, but... - Oh, you watch our show.

Marvelous.

Well, it's no wonder. It's the number one soap opera in the country.

Fifty million fans adore me.

Us...

...daily.

This is something.

Wait till I tell everybody at the Central that I met Bob and Carey personally.

Isn't that flattering, darling?

It didn't look flattering. They pulled us over.

What's the trouble? I wasn't speeding?

No, you weren't speeding. May I speak to you a minute back here?

- Yeah, sure. - I watch police shows.

They're just separating us, darling.

I imagine every time you stop a superstar...

...you have a million questions.

Do you have a pink slip?

I've got this temporary something or other here.

This paper isn't any good.

Did you buy this from a dealer or a private party?

Oh, it was a private party.

Look, I got this really terrific deal on this car.

- We will check your VIN number. - The VIN number?

Right.

What's the trouble, officer?

We've had a series of Rolls Royce rip-offs.

I just wanna check your car out.

The show should run at least 10 years.

Ponch, can I talk to you a minute?

- Can we take a commercial break? - Of course, darling.

Excuse us, folks.

This is really terrific, to meet Bob and Carey on my freeway.

Hey, Ponch, don't you understand?

Don't have a pink slip, no registration. This could be one of the stolens.

Hey, wait a minute. You gotta be kidding. Not Bob and Carey.

Well, at least not Carey.

Bob maybe.

Hey, his name is not Bob.

Marlon Steel?

Yeah, stage name.

A.K.A. Delbert Henderson?

The power of the tube. The future star of Name Your Price should realize that.

L.A. 15, 7 Mary 3, rolling auto theft unit, southbound Golden State.

Here's your driver's license, Bob... I mean, Marlon... Delbert.

You can call me Bob.

Thanks, you can call me Ponch.

I'm so thrilled you watch my show.

Oh, Carey, will you please?

Sorry, folks. It will be a few more minutes.

You mean we could be driving a stolen car?

Oh, Marlon.

$289.95, that's presoak mini wash...

...in hot-hot, hot-warm, warm-warm, warm-cold, and cold-cold.

- That's the big tub. - Yeah, the stainless steel one.

Now try another one on me. How about this thing?

Okay. Don't look. Ice King.

Features.

Twenty-two cubic feet, juicer, meat compartment, adjustable shelves.

Eight hundred ninety-nine dollars and 95 cents.

I don't believe it. You got it right. Come here, I'll give you a real test.

- All right. - I think this thing is the Astro Oven.

Okay, give me features.

Timer, browner, warmer...

...and would you believe, defroster.

Two hundred eighty-seven dollars and 97 cents.

Francis Llewellyn Poncherello, you're the human computer.

You haven't missed a price by a penny.

Thanks, coach.

I'll tell you what, you have just won fame, fortune, and delicious Diane.

- And the kid won a break. - Yeah.

Oh, wait a minute. Hold on now. We just got started here.

Ponch, listen. You know these prices better than Sears, Ward...

- Montgomery... All those stores. - Hey, listen to me.

Does Muhammad Ali stop after half his roadwork?

Does "Broadway Joe" Namath never touch a football?

You just don't win with less than a 100 percent effort.

You're my coach. You're supposed to be saying that to me.

Come on, Ponch. It's past the kid's bedtime, okay?

Beds? Hey, that's terrific. I'm a little rusty on beds.

- Let's find a furniture store. - Wait. You can overtrain, all right?

Hey, not for Name Your Price, old buddy. Come on.

These days, prices are changing with every minute.

Yeah, in one direction: Up.

I wonder where the driver went?

Hey, Ponch.

I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to cause the accident.

- What accident? - What are you talking about?

The car I ran off the road back there. It was an accident. Sorry.

- Where did it happen? - Back there, near Silver Lake.

I'll take it, Jon.

- Sorry. I've been missing my classes... - Turn around. Hands on your head.

Five days, I missed this class. My instructor's gonna have it for me.

Hang on, sir. Help will be here in a minute, okay?

Do you speak English?

Do you understand me?

Bar is on his way.

He's taking the suspect down to Parker.

He doesn't speak English and he's got a bad cut.

Hey, wait a minute.

He's got a med alert bracelet down there.

Oh, no. He's a diabetic.

Number 6548369.

Sixty-five-forty-eight-three-sixty-nine. I'll call it in.

L.A. 15, 7 Mary 3, I'm 10-97 eastbound Pomona at Silver Lake.

Roll an ambulance and notify MedicAlert that 7 Mary 4's victim is wearing...

...Medic Alert number 6548369.

No. No.

Listen, you gotta keep still, okay?

Hey, Baker. Get the candy bar out of my saddle bag.

Just keep still, man.

Okay? Okay?

- Here goes your shot of blood sugar. - Right on, partner.

Here.

Eat. Good, huh? Good. Eat.

Eat, eat. That's good.

Tasty stuff. Feel better, huh?

Oh, you and your junk food.

That's me.

Okay, I'll wait topside for the paramedics.

Okay.

You feel better, huh?

Tennis, huh? You play tennis?

- Tennis, huh? - Tennis?

Yeah.

Hey, you do understand. You do speak English, huh?

Hey, we have to play sometime, huh?

You play with Ponch?

Yeah, I know. But they always laugh at me when I go out to play.

But listen, you have to watch out for my reverse spin on my backhand.

You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be okay.

L.A., 7 Mary 3, roll 1 Einhorn tow to my 10-20.

We got your message on the MedicAlert. Good work.

By the way, the victim down there can't speak English.

Okay, thank you.

That's a pretty one.

That's our cornish sports model with genuine leather and matching interior.

Isn't that luxurious?

They say the engine runs rather smoothly.

Yes, very smoothly and very quietly.

Would you like a demonstration?

- Yes. - Just a moment.

Here we are. The key goes right there.

Oh, there.

- Very quiet. - Yes, one's scarcely where it's running.

That's nice.

Ma'am, a test ride's are by appointment only.

Ma'am, just a moment.

Where are you going?

Oh, my goodness.

Hey, Ponch.

You made the morning paper.

Yeah, so, I helped the guy out.

I don't think that's such a big deal.

- Don't think the papers thought so either. - Wait.

"Chippie chickens out at freeway fowl-up. "

Now, hey, that's public relations.

Well, that's not a bad picture of me...

...but where's the photographer when I was out saving lives?

He's probably in the dark room making us look silly.

Yeah, well, listen. I can't let Getraer see this, okay?

- We gotta throw this away. - Give me... That's Artie's, okay?

Well, that's okay, Jon. I got another copy.

It's on the bulletin board.

Good morning, officers.

And chicken wranglers.

I did it for you, sarge. Give you something to crow about.

Thanks, Frank. I appreciate it.

I want all of you to know something else about our fine-feathered friend...

...Officer Poncherello.

We had a hit-and-run out on the Pomona Freeway yesterday.

And the victim would have died if it haven't been for Frank.

Sarge, Jon helped too.

Thanks, guys. That was good work.

Now, listen up everybody.

The first thing I wanna get into is this Rolls Royce theft ring...

...that's been operating in the city.

Auto Theft Division figures...

...they've grabbed over a half million dollars worth of cars the past 10 days.

According to local dealers...

...the regional managers keep accurate records of all Rolls Royces in their areas.

Since a hot Rolls is a hard car to pass around...

...we figure they're probably being shipped out of the country.

Anyway, we've been asked by Auto Theft for all possible assistance on this.

So I expect you guys to keep an eye out.

Incidentally, Baker, Poncherello, that Rolls you were chasing yesterday...

...turned up at the Deluxe Car Wash on Oxnard and Lankershim.

The car wash?

Yeah, apparently, the woman got scared and ran off.

Anyway, I can recommend the place to you fellas.

They washed off all the fingerprints.

That's it. Thanks, men. Let's hit it.

Hey, Frank.

Frank.

Hold up.

That man's life you saved...

...he left this for you.

Go on.

His coach said it costs about 60 bucks.

$59.95 manufacturer's suggested retail price.

Without strings, of course. With strings...

...$ 74.95.

Congratulations. Name Your Price, here we come.

Good luck, Frank.

What time do you have to be at the studio?

I told the ladies we'd pick them up by 7.

Oh, no.

The bitter with the sweet, partner.

Please, Elmo. Please, get up.

Please, Elmo. Elmo, please get up and walk.

Hey, son. Why don't you come over here with us, okay?

No, I better stay with Elmo.

Hey, listen. We'll take care of Elmo for you, okay?

No, I...

- Hey, what's your name? - Jimmy Aston.

Please, Elmo. Please get up.

How long has he been here, Jimmy?

Ten minutes, I think.

Well, maybe you better help me get Elmo off the street.

Jimmy, if you'd just back up, my partner and I will move Elmo for you, okay?

Okay, but you better watch out.

Elmo doesn't like being picked up.

- What? - Elmo doesn't like being picked up.

He won't mind if we help him out.

Oh, yes, he will.

When Elmo sleeps, he doesn't like being bothered.

Sleeps?

Yeah, and Elmo sleeps wherever he wants.

Okay, Elmo. Rise and shine.

Now.

Come on, Elmo. Here, boy.

- Hey. - Come on, Elmo.

Sit. Come on, boy. Come on.

Use your commands. Use your tricks. Hurry up.

Hey, use your tricks.

What are we gonna do? We're in the middle of the street.

Well, we have no choice, partner. Let's go.

You better watch out, officer.

Hey, it's okay, son.

Ah, it's okay.

- Easy, easy, easy. - Wait a minute.

Easy, you just have a nice little snooze, Elmo.

Just like Jimmy says, "wherever he wants," right?

Okay, listen, I got one last idea.

It worked for us yesterday, okay?

Just hang on.

Yeah.

Hey, Elmo.

Easy. Easy.

He likes you. He likes you.

No, he doesn't.

He wants my junk food, huh?

Come here.

- Come over here. - That's it.

Come here, baby. Come here. Come here.

Hey.

This is a big dog you got here.

Thanks, officer.

It's our pleasure, Jimmy.

- Bye. - Bye.

Hey, Ponch.

Good luck tonight. I hope you get on the show and make lots of money.

Are you kidding?

If Ponch wins, he'll be impossible to live with.

Hey, he's already impossible. Why not impossible and rich?

My game plan, exactly.

Like I said, Frank, don't get your hopes up.

There are gonna be a lot of other people there at that show.

Yeah, but I got the luck of the Irish.

Irish?

He doesn't look Irish.

Don't you guys know about that little leprechaun I got in my back pocket?

He gives me luck and I give him Spanish lessons.

Attention all units, 10851 just occurred.

A black Rolls Royce taken from the Pacifica Hotel.

Last seen southbound on the Harbor Freeway approaching the Santa Monica.

Oh, they're coming our way, sarge.

Okay, guys. You're on overtime. Let's nail them.

They're right here.

7 Mary 3 and 4, suspect vehicle has just pulled in behind you...

...from southbound Harbor at Santa Monica.

It's now traveling southbound in the number three lane.

Approximately 100 yards to your rear.

Let's take the off-ramp, pull in behind the Rolls.

Right, Ponch.

L.A. 15, 7 Mary 3, following suspect 10851 Rolls...

...west from Harbor Freeway on Wilmington towards Berth 58.

Ten-four, 7 Mary 3. LASO will be advised.

You brought two chippies with you.

Hey.

Hey, they can't burn us twice, can they?

Especially with wheels like that, those babies are built for luxury, not speed.

Hey, Ponch.

- Do you suppose all those are for sale? - We'll find a bargain in the bunch.

Fifteen, 7 Mary 3 and 4...

...code 6 at Montanus Rolls at the Palisades and Grand.

Ten-four, 7 Mary 3.

Okay, in there. Out of the car, hands first.

Both of you, out of the car with your hands in the air.

Ponch, over there!

Get out of the car. Come on fast, move it!

Put your hands on your head and move to the rear of the car.

Now, let's go.

There's another unit on its way.

Sorry it's not as classy as the thing you've been driving.

Yeah, but you do get a chauffeur.

And now, our last contestant on Name Your Price.

Will Frank Ponce... Poncer...

Ponchere... Poncherello.

Whatever it is, Frank, come on up and Name Your Price.

Welcome to Name Your Price, Frank. Relax now and tell us about yourself.

I'm single and I'm a california Highway Patrol motor officer.

I could tell by the way you came down that aisle at 55.

This next item should be right up your alley.

Or should I say, freeway?

Okay, folks. Take a look at this.

A brand new Z1 R motorcycle.

He rides one everyday, but who would've thought of pricing it?

This beauty is a 1015 cc, with a double overhead cam...

...bikini fairing, drilled brakes, and alloy wheels.

One of the finest and fastest street machines anywhere.

Okay, ladies, and Frank, name your price.

Hildine, you're first.

Thirty-nine ninety-five.

Thank you. Ruth, you're next.

Four thousand...

...two hundred and fifty?

Finally got it out. Thank you. Sylvia, you're next.

Thirty-six ninety-five.

Thank you, Sylvia. Frank, you're last.

Officer Poncherello, you have exactly five seconds.

Four, three, two, one.

I'll go with 3697 dollars.

Okay, thank you. All prices in and locked.

May I have the envelope, please, Darlene?

Thank you. Isn't she lovely?

The actual manufacturer's suggested retail price...

...is 3695 dollars.

Sylvia Miller, it's yours.

I don't believe it.

It's just what I wanted.