Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

No Holly, got to get the prime rib.

No this place is fantastic.

Trust me.

Oh, the king cut, are you kidding me?

The Mill Creek Inn.

It's about an hour out, I'll drive.

Hello?

Hello?

Holly?

Hello?

Hello?

Margaret, are you out there?

Is there something wrong with our phones?

Looks like it's my lucky day.

Oh you guys are already up?

Well, yeah good, we got more to skate soon.

Is that, uh, before

or after our little morning session with Mrs. J.

Dude, her husband's been dead for like a year.

Show some respect.

I heard she went lesbian.

#scissoring.

Yeah, total lesbian.

And, what a freaky way for a dude to die.

Hold my beer.

Help!

Help, Dale.

Help!

Dale!

Help, oh.

That whole four hour bit with the chainsaws?

Morning boys.

Oh good morning Mrs. Johnson.

Good morning Jonsey.

Aw.

Good morning.

What the hell is up with Mrs. J. and Jonsey?

What, what?

Maybe she's into the 50 Shades of beat my ass shit?

Well I'll beat your ass

if you keep talking that way.

Dude, it's a real thing.

Like exercise balls but with whips and shit.

What do you know about exercise?

You boys forget, I had a life before I was married.

- Really? - Yeah.

I used to play for the U.

We were national champs and won.

Impressive.

Now if you boys are hungry, oh have some cherries.

I got them this morning.

Thanks.

This isn't the only cherry I'd like to eat.

Jonsey, what's going on between you and Mrs. J.?

Dude, she's like 10 years older than me, okay.

Dude, more like 15.

What, doesn't even matter, okay.

I'm with Jenny now.

You know we're probably gonna get engaged soon.

- Engaged. - Congratulations!

Wait, what is.

I've got a good place

you could get a ring!

Get out, we're not engaged yet.

Go sit your crazy Russian ass down.

Do not buy any of his cheap knock off Russian shit.

All right, that's it guys.

From now on we just think about the cup only,

concentrate on the cup.

The D-cup.

The Prairie Kings and the Ice Cats playing

for the championship and all hell has broken loose here.

The fans are loving it

and the fall out brawl has broken loose.

Let's go boys!

Stop it let's go.

Brewski!

Well this has been stewing all night folks

and it has boiled over.

Both of these teams literally fighting for the cup.

This is an old fashioned Donny Hook, ladies and gentlemen.

Well it appears as if two players are just gonna watch

from afar.

Why that's Vlad Putin and little Donny Trump watching

almost as if they orchestrated this whole thing.

Officials trying to restore some sense of order.

Brian Pyette, reporting here live,

we're getting reports that the disturbance actually started

up north near a small lake near Alexandria.

Hold on the rune stone, zombies?

Well it looks like

Coach BlackJack is delivering some words of inspiration.

What was it?

Boys I need to tell you something.

It's something that's, well, it's personal.

Uh, for as long as I can remember I've been embarrassed

to use the steam room in the gym.

You see, I have a problem.

I have a hidden penis.

Aw, son of a bitch.

It's true, but I, uh, I overcame this little adversity

through working out and eatin' right

and a heavy dose of testosterone

and a very beautiful and extremely understanding wife.

My point is, that if I can overcome this hidden penis thing?

I know you boys can win this game,

so please get out there and win, okay!

Thanks Coach!

All right you heard him boys!

If he can find his penis, we can find the balls,

now let's go win this game!

Clock winding down in the second period.

Prairie Kings looking for the equalizer.

Carried across the line.

Here's an opportunity and the slog

with a one timer kicked out.

And as the puck goes to the corner, two periods done.

Gotta win this game.

- Oh man, wait, wait dude. - What?

Now we don't have that beer.

- Shit. - Shit.

LED, you look like shit.

You sit this last period out, okay?

No, Coach.

I'm good, I can get one more out of it.

Okay, if you got it in ya.

Tension filling the air here

in the arena as the Prairie Kings and the Ice Cats play

for the championship, a one goal game in the 3rd period.

Here's an opportunity, shot score!

And we're tied, two, two.

Fuck yes!

This game now all even,

and perhaps headed for overtime.

And we're underway with overtime.

Next goal wins.

Will it be the Prairie Kings

or the Ice Cats that will hoist the cup tonight.

Oh and a huge hit in the corner.

Carrying through the neutral zone,

across the blue line, Wave down to Lundquist, he scores!

Kings win!

Kings win!

Kings win!

Hiendrick Lundquist in overtime,

the Prairie Kings have won the cup.

LED, I know you're sick.

LED, I'm talkin' to you, I want an answer.

A joyous moment for the Prairie Kings.

And devastation for the Ice Cats.

Look we won!

Jenny, hey, hey, we won!

We won!

Hey.

Oh my God.

Hey, hey, we're having a huge celebration,

want to come sailing with us later?

Jonsey, I told you it's girl night.

What?

But, but we won?

We discussed this, my nights are mine, no exceptions.

But, but, Jenny.

Jenny.

No more talking about her, she's a bitch.

Man, tonight we found our balls and we are kings!

- Yes. - Wahoo!

- Show down! - Whoa!

I do not need a turn!

Um why you guys are makin' so much noise.

No reason Swede.

Okay.

Did anybody see my beer?

No Swede, we haven't seen your beer.

I thought I had it in the shower with me,

but I don't know where it went.

All right, I'm gonna go look for it.

Thanks.

Thanks for trying.

Oh fuck.

Wave.

Six cans enter, one can leaves, six cans enter.

One can leaves, six cans enter.

One can leaves, six cans enter!

One can leaves!

- Come on man. - All right.

Party on the buns, let's go!

Party on the buns.

Ah.

Six cans enter, one can leaves.

Yeah honey.

I don't think we'll be having any more cans today.

Oh.

Hey Jonsey.

Uh, it's beard o'clock, I'll see you out there.

Okay Gandalf.

Enjoy that deuce.

Giddy up Swedes!

- We did it. - We're the champions baby!

- Yeah! - Yay!

Yeah!

I knew you guys could do it!

All thanks to your fearless leader!

Come on props man.

Dean?

Are you in here?

Dean?

Hey.

Look who showed up for another beating!

Hey, nice uni's boys!

They come in men's?

Woo, yeah, they come in men all right.

Who wants a part of me?

Oh God!

Get in, get in!

What the hell,

What the hell is going on?

I, I, I mean, I mean.

What the hell is going on!

Shut the hell up Wave!

Jonsey!

What the hell is going on?

How do you expect me to know!

All right, everybody just stop freaking out!

Okay.

Stop it.

Hey, close the curtains all right,

I don't want anybody to see us.

BJ, barricade the door.

Swede turn on the TV.

It's not in Swedish.

Introducing Ultro-pep,

when you need more than just fat.

Ultro-pep will keep you going long after you're dead.

Brian Pyette reporting here, um,

I never thought I would say this, but it's, it's zombies.

It, it's freaking zombies, let's get out of here.

- Zombies. - Oh, what!

Son of a bitch.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Everybody relax, just relax, okay.

It's Dean, it's Dean, remember, he had to take a shit

so he couldn't come, okay, it's just Dean.

I'll be the bearer of bad news, okay.

- Yeah. - I'll go break it to him.

It's gonna be okay.

Hey Dean, Dean, Dean.

That's weird, I don't see him.

You know I think with this whole zombie apocalypse thing,

and like us dying might say something...

Oh my God!

That is some kickin' shit!

Well shit, what are we supposed to go.

I mean, this place is probably full of zombies now.

I want to go home.

Where the hell are we supposed to go.

- Calm down, calm down. - Your mom's place?

Isn't she hosting a swinger's party?

So what!

Hey leave Swede's mom's crazy sex life out of this okay?

It's not gonna help anything.

Yeah.

What does it help.

Dude I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

All right, just let me think right.

- I get mean when I panic. - It's okay.

Just let me think.

So the zombies are over there, right.

All right, so that means we can't go over there.

So let's go that way all right.

Does that sound good everybody?

And go where?

- I don't know, just, what? - What?

Oh, no time to think, come on, move!

Oh, oh God.

Okay, okay, we can't just keep running around all night,

we have to, find someplace that we can hold out.

Hold out for what!

Some dude in a park would show up and save our asses.

While you mom would stop...

Wait!

Why do you gotta go to my mom?

I can't be a zombie man,

I don't think I can find any place on my schedule for that.

Don't worry BJ, I will shoot your ass, I will cut you,

whatever it takes, is that cuttin' off the head thing real

or just in the movies.

I, uh, think so, I mean, I'm like 45% sure.

I saw a guy on YouTube do that.

What?

If anything we'll just find a gun

and you can just shoot me in the face

and we'll be done with it.

All right.

BJ, wait a sec.

What about me?

You're just gonna leave me to turn into a zombie?

You bunny fucker.

No dude, man, I love you dude.

I can't, I won't let you change.

Well how in the hell are you supposed

to keep me from changing if I shoot you in the face?

We'll find a second gun right, and then we can both,

you know, take the gun one in each mouth at the same time,

and you know, just Romeo and Juliet,

you know what I'm saying?

No, that is gay.

I'm not sure I'm into that BJ.

I mean, I love you and all, but,

Boys.

It's not gay, we're just shooting each other in the mouth.

Simultaneously?

Yeah.

With our pants on.

Yes, with our pants on,

wait, why would we take our pants off?

Boys.

Can you imagine a scenario

in which we would take out pants off tonight?

You're the one who brought up Romeo and Juliet man!

I don't know!

Boys!

Stop freaking out, just take a deep breath.

We just need to find somewhere we can sit back

and relax, all right.

Just chill.

There was a college back there.

I saw a sign that said safe place.

You know, like where we all went after President Trump won?

The Kool-Aid and...

Not that safe place Swede.

Maybe we should shoot him in the face first.

Hey, hey, I got it.

We got to the arena.

All right?

Arena, does that sound good?

Man, the arena's like five miles from here.

We all just came back from a championship game,

and I'm pretty sure we're all still fuckin' drunk.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, I got it.

Drive.

I can drive.

Ah!

Yo great.

Hey, anybody got a car?

No, I take the bus.

- I take the bus. - Yeah, the bus.

- We can take the bus. - The bus.

- The bus. - Like in Sweden!

Let's go boys,

Let's go that way.

- Jonsey? - Yeah I see them.

- All right, nice zombies. - Oh, this is it.

- Good zombies. - We're either gonna die

or we're about to be zombies.

Hey look, hey look at me all right.

We're not gonna die.

Just, don't look at 'em okay.

Yeah, and we'll figure something out.

I have to tell you something.

This last year since, Harold died,

it's been really, it's been really lonely.

Yeah, yeah.

And you've been so nice.

You know, I'm just tryin' to help.

I know it might seem inappropriate,

but I think I'm falling for you.

Are you okay, you know what?

We can just do this later, all right, there's zombies.

No, not, for you Jonsey, I'm falling for you.

Oh my God.

It can't be him.

BJ, come on!

Come on!

Wait up!

Back here, back here, be quiet.

We got it only one bus so we have to make this work.

Okay, okay.

So here's the plan.

We are gonna get out here,

make a beeline for that bus, right.

We're gonna hop on the bus, we're gonna take that key,

put it in the ignition right,

and then we're gonna get out

of there like a bat out of hell.

Does that sound good to you guys?

All right perfect.

Put it in, put it in.

All right, all right.

Let's go boys on three all right?

One, two, three,

Let's go boys!

Where, where, where's the bus?

Where.

Just shoot me in the face right now, Wave, get a gun.

Somebody obviously had the same great idea we did.

We're playin'?

All right, let's this nightmare.

This isn't working.

All right, back that way, let's go.

Back that way, back that way.

- All right. - Come on.

We don't know where.

- It's not far now. - Mother fuck!

Guys, guys, all right, all right.

How 'bout this, can we fast walk?

Can we at least do that?

Huh?

All right, come on, act like athletes.

Still got a ways to go buddy.

There's a little girl over there.

She could get killed out here.

Hey kids?

What are you guys doing outside?

Where's your mommy and daddy?

I'm gonna see if they're okay.

Swede!

What are you doing?

Don't get close to 'em.

Jonsey, they're just scared kids.

Have you ever seen The Shining?

The Omen?

The Exorcist?

Pet Cemetery?

Toy Story?

Stranger Things?

Home Alone from Joe Pesci's point of view?

Okay Wave.

You guys they're just scared little kids!

I told you!

Red Rum mutha fucka'.

Red Rum!

Wait, wait, wait guys, guys.

We gotta go back for Swede, right.

We, we, just can't leave him like that.

- I think, - You think what!

I think he's gone, he's gone.

I just like a them anyway.

I love talkin' to Swede.

His mom.

She would do anything for us.

I mean she would bend over backwards for the entire team.

What was her name again?

Elsa.

After each game she'd come right out

on the ice it didn't matter.

The cold didn't bother her anyway.

Guys!

Guys!

Did we lose those little monsters yet?

I haven't seen them in like six or seven blocks

but those little shits are fast.

Hey guys, they're just kids, we can take them.

We can take them.

Mrs. J. you saw those fuckers eat Swede whole.

Oh Swede.

They're not kids.

They're more like midget cannibals.

Cannibal, cannibal!

Oh God.

Oh do something!

- No, no, no. - Don't let him bite you!

I can't believe you just seismic tossed a three year.

He's super dead.

Super dead.

Nice save though.

What do we do now?

Help me.

Somebody help me!

Jonsey, Jonsey, remember, there's midget cannibals.

Hey, Jenny, Jenny.

What are you doing all the way over here?

Okay, so I was at girl's night, right.

And we decided to do crochet at Elizabeth's house.

Yeah.

So we drove all the way over there.

But she didn't have enough yarn so we had

to go to the craft store to get some more,

but of course they didn't have the color we were,

Why is everyone looking at me funny?

No reason.

All right, all right, fine,

but what are you doing out here,

running in the middle of the street.

Oh, Elizabeth's brother was chasing me.

There's something wrong with him.

Wait.

You're running from this guy?

For how long?

About 3 miles or so.

And you never though to, to just, I don't know.

Kick out his crutches?

Like this?

Okay, not all of us can be geniuses like you Wave.

Say cheese, cheese.

Ah, yes.

I'm so glad I found you.

I missed you so much.

I love you Jonsey.

Yeah, me to Jenny.

So where are you guys going?

Oh, we're going to the arena.

That's a terrible idea.

We should go to my Daddy's house.

He can help us, he has a gun.

I don't think a .22 revolver is gonna save us all.

Yeah, I really think Wave's right on this one.

Safest place for us right now is the arena.

No, Jonsey.

Daddy can help us, take me there right now.

What?

Am I the only one who saw that?

- Son of a bitch! - Let's go.

All right, now everyone who's a piece

of shit turn around right now.

What the shit.

What are you, are you like shitty robots?

They look like homeless bounty hunters.

Hey.

We hunted you didn't we?

Oh, I mean, we decided to come here,

this is Jenny's house, uh that's Jenny.

She lives here with her dad, he's got a gun.

Shut up, none of that matters.

All that matters is that you're here now.

And we gotta stick together while the world burns.

You know, watch each others backs.

I don't know about this.

No, it's okay lady, I'll, we're Rob and Don.

You know, you can trust us.

I took karate for two years.

At the mall.

Wait, what mall.

The outlet mall.

It was the outlet mall by my mom's house actually.

Hey, you two actually want to help?

Hey, look at me.

You two want to help?

All right, tell you what.

How 'bout you two sit out here and look for zombies, got it?

- Yeah, yeah. - Good.

Whatever you say man.

All right, we are goin' inside.

You two stay here, keep an eye out

and if you hear anything, report back to me.

Good?

Good?

All right, let's go.

Daddy, I'm home.

I don't think he's here Jenny.

He said he would be here.

He never lies to me.

Okay.

You did not ask.

Put that back right now.

Guys, just put it back okay?

Jones, it's pepperoni, you know it's my favorite.

Now.

Just do as she says, okay?

So now what Jenny?

We wait.

We wait?

Well I got news for you.

We don't have time to wait for your Dad

to get back from his colonoscopy Jenny.

We are like zombie bait.

They're gonna break down the door

and eat us out of the house.

Now I don't wanna get eaten out by zombies Jenny,

but you ain't giving me any choice.

'Cause you want to stay here.

Well I got news for you.

We're sitting ducks.

- Exactly. - What, what?

- Whoa. - Hey guys.

What are you goin' especially you, what?

Oh, okay, all right.

Listen, it's the end of the world and you guys are idiots.

You don't deserve to continue on.

Okay, only the intelligent and strong get to go on

and form a new race of superhumans.

The Rob and Don-ians.

Intelligent and beautifuL and perfect in every way.

Don't point the gun at yourself Rob, point it,

point it at them, not me.

Point it at them.

All right, so we're gonna take your clothes.

Take your clothes, we're gonna take your clothes

and then we're gonna make you all shiny and chrome.

- Right Don. - Wait, what?

We're gonna take your clothes

and we're gonna spray paint you in chrome.

Yeah sure.

Chrome!

- Hey Rob, Rob. - What?

I don't know about the whole chrome thing, okay.

I don't think any, I don't think it's very intimidating.

I like chrome.

You like chrome.

We're Rob and Don, we like chrome.

That's what we do, we take people's clothes

and then we spray paint them in chrome.

I know I told you I liked chrome,

but maybe I was just sayin' that to,

you know, get you to like me.

If I'm honest, I never really liked the chrome.

I was more in for the stuff and the things

and the clothes and.

Shiny and chrome, shiny and chrome.

Okay, give us you clothes, take 'em off now.

Fine.

Just take it off, okay guys.

Oh my God, fuckin' perverts.

- Yeah. - Fuck.

Can go a little faster.

Wash us with cold water too, okay.

Witness me.

All right.

No butt stuff.

What is this, a size nine 1/2?

Oh, and stay down there.

Down there in the basement where you'll stay forever.

Rob and Don got you in the basement.

- In the basement. - Basement, yeah, yeah.

And by the way, we found your dad.

Found your dad.

Yeah, yeah, he's in the basement.

Basement.

- Daddy? - Jenny.

Oh and one more thing.

- One more thing. - One more thing.

- Drop it on them Rob. - Drop it on them Rob.

Revelation, drop it on them Rob.

Do it.

He's a zombie.

Rob, Rob.

All right, first of all will someone get Jenny?

Her dad's a zombie.

Let me get this.

Okay, those little fuckers took our clothes and our food.

And they locked us in the basement with a zombie.

Wave, I'm about sick of this shit man.

Well what are you gonna do about it huh?

You know, I'm gonna do somethin'.

Yeah.

I'm gonna do somethin'.

Yeah.

Well ladies.

Looks like it's just us.

We should probably huddle, for warmth.

I don't think we need to do that.

I'm, I'm, I'm okay.

I'm warm.

Okay, great.

Are you hungry?

No.

No, no, let's just go.

Yeah, let's go.

Suit yourself.

Daddy where are you?

Daddy it's me.

Daddy?

Look, I know those kids were lying.

Daddy?

Daddy?

Jenny, Jenny hey, hey!

Jesus Jonsey, what the hell!

Are you okay, it's me, it's me, it's Jonsey.

I know, you scared the crap out of me.

I'm just lookin' out for you.

Are you okay?

Yes I'm fine.

Don't do that to me.

I was just gonna, but, all right, let's go, yeah.

You're welcome.

No really, if you huddle for warmth, we stay warm.

There is a blanket right here.

But like, we can, we can like stick together.

- Hey, where's BJ? - Where's BJ?

I just asked you the same thing.

Well I don't know.

He said somethin' about somethin'

and then he stomped his pasty hard shaped ass into the dark.

We have to find him.

Oh hey, hey BJ.

Get your ass over here.

Will you get the fuck over here BJ?

Who's gonna shoot me in the face if you're dead?

That's not BJ.

Hide me.

- Hey, get back. - Hide me, hide me.

- Get back, get back. - No, no, no.

Let's go, let's get out of here.

Hey.

- In the closet. - In the closet?

- Yeah, yeah. - Okay.

No one will find us in here.

- Oh yeah. - Yeah.

Zombies are dumb, they won't open door.

- Okay. - I'm sorry.

Oh, that's fine.

How you doin'?

Uh, I'm good.

I've had better days.

But, you know, the apocalypse has its perks.

I guess.

Um so you like stuff?

Hey, hey, back up buddy.

Back up buddy, get out of here.

Get out here.

I'm telling you, we need to huddle for warmth.

- No. - Hey, hey.

Okay guys, guys.

How do we get out of here?

I don't know.

- Zombie! - Behind you!

- Strangle him Jonsey! - I'm trying!

- Try harder. - You could help me.

- I am helping! - Just shoot it!

Ah, save me!

Great shot BJ!

Hey, I thought you were a defense man.

Eh, I got sick and tired of playing defense.

Somebody hold me.

- Nice shot brother. - BJ, BJ, oh.

It's good to see you.

Jenny, honey.

Look at me.

I know this is difficult.

Look it's time we changed.

The world's changed now,

we gotta change you know what I'm saying?

We have to keep moving.

Now it's time to fight.

Um.

I don't know what that was about.

I want to be with you.

Jenny.

Um, I know your emotions are all over the place right now.

But this is not the time.

And besides sweetie.

I'm straight.

You don't care about me.

And I know you're trying to steal my man too.

Wait.

I've seen how you are around him.

And it's sick.

You old women disgust me.

Jenny, stop.

I know you're upset.

But you don't need to take it out on Ms. J.

See.

I knew it.

You love her too.

Well to hell with you Jonsey.

Now get the hell out of my house.

All of you.

All right, wait, wait.

Jenny you're being hysterical all right.

Let's just talk about this.

Get out, get out, get out!

Son of a bitch, they threw our clothes all over the yard.

Really?

Someone's gotta get 'em, I mean.

- Rock, paper, scissors? - Uh, yeah.

How are gonna play rock, paper, scissors with four people?

It's two versus two.

That's works, a little tournament.

- Yeah, yeah. - Okay.

- What? - Ready Jonsey?

Come on.

- Oh! - Ah.

You ready?

- Ah. - Dammit.

Good game.

It's not that cold.

Yeah okay, any requests?

My purse.

Make sure you get my purse.

And everything else that I was wearing.

I want my tie.

You want your tie, okay, okay.

Sounds good.

Make sure they didn't curl my socks.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey.

Think this is a safe place right now, huh?

Nobody else is here.

Jonsey?

What, what is it?

There's uh something by the dumpster.

All right, I can't tell what it is.

I don't know if it's a zombie or not.

Where?

By the dumpster.

Hey, we see you over there, come on out.

What's nine times two?

What?

Zombies brains are made of mush.

Answer the question or we answer with lead.

Oh man, what?

I stink at math.

It's 18, it's 18, don't shoot.

18.

We're entering the arena, all right.

All right, look, we're not zombies.

We're just humans.

The arena?

That place is zombie central station.

I'm Jonsey.

- This is BJ. - Yeah.

Over there's Wave.

This is Ms. Johnson.

And this person right here is?

Uh?

Seriously?

- Lindsey? - Yeah.

Who's underwear is that?

That'd be Chet's, he volunteered.

Let's go boys.

Wait, where you guys goin'?

We're goin' to the U.P.

Nobody's crazy enough to go the U.P.

They're pretty crazy the way the laughed

at our impending deaths.

You know what?

Let's forget about them guys, let's go.

Dead end.

Oh shit, I don't want to become a zombie.

How do we not become zombies?

I mean, I always like read

in books that they burn bodies right.

That should stop it right?

Oh shit.

I should have put that in my will.

Cremate my ass so I don't come back.

I mean, I got your body if you need a good burn.

What are you gonna burn me with?

This.

Man, you ain't burnin' shit with that.

What?

Hey, hey, a door.

Boys, door!

Oh yeah.

See.

Oh here it is.

Nice.

- Cay-joon, cay-joon. - Cajun Club dumb ass.

- What's the Cajun Club? - Two drink minimum anyone?

Yeah, I'll take three.

Oh yeah.

Shots, I poured one for everybody.

- Yay. - Way to go Wave.

- One for you. - Great.

- One for you Jonsey. - Thanks.

Two for me.

To the game, we won.

- We won. - Toast.

- Cheers. - Roast.

And to Wave's mom!

You watch your mouth when you're talking about her.

Oh man, I just want to show my appreciation for...

Be nice bro.

I will end you.

Okay.

At this point I don't even know

if you guys are getting this.

But not only do we have a zombie apocalypse on our hands,

there are also several structure fires

throughout the Park Lawn neighborhood.

Live, in Austin, Bryan Pyette.

Mom, pick up your phone, I'm tryin' to call you.

Park Lawn is Jen's neighborhood.

I don't think, she's probably gonna die there.

Guys this is all my fault, I gotta make it right.

I gotta go back.

You guys stay here.

No fuckin' way.

We're a team.

We stick together.

Ah.

Well let's find the way outta here.

All right, let's go boys.

When you need energy.

When you need sparkle.

When you need it to hit you

and when it has to have ginseng.

We're out of alphabets.

I'ma scared.

When you need more than just pep,

Ultro-pep, it delivers.

Hey, hey.

Well, well, well, what do we got here.

Hold on.

We got death dancers.

Now what in the fuck are you doin' in my fine establishment.

Well you see your back door was open right.

And we were bein' chased by zombies and we didn't...

Zombies, we're all runnin' from zombies, boy.

That doesn't mean you get to walk into my bar uninvited.

It's just that, okay.

And drinkin' all my mutherfuckin' booze.

You got some balls the size of bells on you kid.

- All right. - Now how the hell

- you gonna pay for it? - We can pay for it.

All right, we got money, right guys, we got money.

- Anytime now. - You got anything?

Oh, oh good, you got some pepperoni.

How 'bout I blow that dick off of that pepperoni?

We don't need to do that,

- we don't need to do, - Give me some goddam money.

Wow, I have it.

Oh thank you so much Lindsey.

Give me the goddam money.

Take it man, all yours, it's all yours, just keep it.

Thank you, thank you, $10 oh that's very nice of you.

That's gonna pay for about 1/10th of it.

Now what the fuck am I gonna do for the rest.

- Um. - I guess I'm just gonna have

- to shoot you. - No, no, no.

No, no, we'll do anything, sir, just anything.

Anything right guys?

We'll do anything.

Anything you want.

Just say it, just name it.

- Well you'll do anything. - Anything.

- Anything. - Yes.

You know, I've been watching you boys skatin' around

at the hockey rink with those tight little asses of yours.

I kind want to touch 'em if I could.

Reminds me of Dorothy Hamilton

in the 1986 Olympics, tight and white.

What do you want with us?

You know one thing I think I'd like

to see from you is maybe what

those tight little asses look like with pants off?

- What? - Yeah, I think I'd like

to get those pants off of you boys and watch you dance.

- What? - You fuckin' heard me.

Get those pants off and dance.

Why do we keep taking off our clothes tonight?

Wave just shut up.

And dance.

Shut and dance.

He's like an Asian hockey super dancing.

Are you the captain of the Chinese hockey team?

- Come here. - Shut up and dance.

Oh, stop it.

He moves it like he's done it many times before.

Oh this one's a naughty one.

What are you the retarded sidekick or somethin'?

Whatever it is, it's workin' for me.

Oh it smells like the swamp of love.

Hey.

Hey, we gotta get out of here.

Who knows what that guy's gonna do.

We gotta get his gun somehow.

Yeah, but how we gonna do that?

It's right next to him.

Yellow's the new color for gold.

Stop it.

- Hold my purse. - Wait, what.

Jesus Christ alive.

I've died and I've went to hockey heaven.

You might have to help me out of this.

It's gettin' to hot in here.

Oh mamacita, the redhead cat comes walkin' at me.

Let's find out, do the curtains match the carpet.

Wave, BJ, put your clothes back on.

We are getting' the hell outta here.

Hey Wave, nice moves.

Did your mom teach you them?

Hey what I tell you.

What is wrong with you?

- Oh. - Let 'em have it.

- Son of a bitch. - Seriously.

At least now we have something to burn the bodies with.

Jenny, it's Jonsey.

Jenny, Jenny, hey!

Oh, I thought you were dead, so good to see you.

But hey, hey, hey, look at me, look.

Wait, this entire neighborhood's on fire, okay.

We gotta, we gotta get out.

Jonsey, it's okay, everything is gonna be fine.

Yeah, I don't think you understand,

like, everything's up in smoke.

I'm so glad you came back.

'Cause we're gonna be burnt to a crisp if we stay here.

Then we can be the family I always wanted us to be.

I don't think you're listening to me.

Like, when I say burnt to a crisp, I mean like worse,

Come on, sit down, let's go.

than Dad's cooking.

Come on, sit down.

- Jonsey, sit. - He's not dead.

Sit, down.

Now sit, good.

Who cooked these beans.

What, was it your Dad?

He and I have some big news to tell you.

What, what, what news.

We don't have any, what news?

Why our engagement Jonsey.

Our engagement!

Oh, we're not engaged.

You can ask Daddy for my hand just like we talked about.

All right, that's not your dad, that is a dead...

Ask him!

Um, Mr. James,

nice zombie, um, I would like to ask your daughter...

- We've gotta go, - What?

- The fire is coming, - Oh my god.

And there's a horde of zombies right outside,

it's headed this way.

You hear that?

A horde of zombies is coming.

What the fuck is this bitch doing here?

Not again.

Hm, unless you want an open marriage.

No, no marriage.

Oh honey, I do not have time for your shit.

Let's go.

This is our engagement party bitch,

now get the hell out of our house.

Jonsey, what the hell is wrong with her?

I don't know, let's just, guys.

Man stealing, cradle robbing, two bit slut cougar.

You stay away from my man.

He's mine.

Yeah, that's enough you top bun lip gloss lesbian bitch.

Now you're gonna leave this house

and come with us right now.

Or you're gonna die.

And I'm about 30 seconds from not giving a damn.

Yeah, Jenny we need to go.

What?

You're on her side?

I want to live, yeah.

I knew there was something going on

between the two of you.

Oh come on, don't be like that Jenny.

To find out at our engagement party?

Daddy!

What?

Oh hell no, all right, Jenny it's over.

Let's go.

Let's get out of here.

Jonsey, I thought you were the one.

But I guess you're really into old ladies.

Was it the Granny Takes a Tinkle video?

Is that what made you go after the gray hair?

I am not that fucking old.

It's not worth it.

Jonsey!

No, stay with me Jonsey, be my husband!

Jenny watch out!

- Jonsey, wait, she's gone. - Jonsey, please help me!

She's gone, Jonsey, she's gone.

- Come on, we gotta go. - Let's go.

Where's Jenny?

Look man, we've got to get going, okay?

This whole neighborhood's gonna burn down any minute.

There's a horde just up that street.

All right?

You're right.

You're right, let's go.

I hate you Jonsey!

You two timing cheat.

I curse you and your little gang.

Especially that slut cougar with you.

It's not worth it.

I swear I'll get you, I'll kill you all.

And your little dog too.

Wow, that's some real medieval shit.

Wait a minute, we have a dog?

The back door boys.

Huh?

The back door, that's how we get into the arena.

The maintenance guy would always leave it open for me

so I could skate early.

Okay, so how are we supposed to get there?

We got no pucks, and there are

at least four dozen zombies between us and there.

Dude, I'm so pooped right now, I can't run anymore.

Well, guys.

What?

Where'd Rachel go?

Who the fuck is Rachel?

Dude, that super hot chick

who's been with us all fuckin' night.

That's Rachel!

Well, she knows where we're headed.

If, if, if she's okay she'll, she'll meet us at the arena.

Right?

- Yeah. - Really?

- I'm sure she will. - Yeah.

She'll be fine.

She's Rachel!

She's you know, tall and sturdy.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

God help us, let's just go, come on.

Fuck.

You guys, I thought of this really good plan.

Wow.

They finally...

Fuck!

Your maintenance guy, your buddy fucked us dude.

Arena.

I knew that.

Oh man.

You still have this?

Mm.

How are you even on the hockey team?

Duh, hey.

On skates, I'm perfect.

Walkin' on the ice I'm no good.

Been that way since I was a baby.

I was born with skates on.

So did you like come out headfirst or skate first.

- Boy, boys! - Whoa dude.

A few hours ago we were kids.

Champions of our fate.

Nobody told us what to do.

But who are we now, huh?

We're nobodies, that's who.

We're just like everybody else scrambling out there

in the dark, praying for one last period.

When in reality, we're just skating endless circles

on this rink of life until the game's over.

And you know what?

I personally don't want to die.

I don't want to die in the hands

of a disgusting zombie scum.

Yeah.

I don't want to go out like that.

I want to fight.

Yeah.

I want to live to come back to this very arena

and watch my son drop his,

Oh wait, or, or.

- Or daughter? - Yes.

Or daughter, drop his or hers first puck

onto this very ice.

Jonsey, your shoes have been untied.

I will get to that BJ!

Oh, yeah, all right so first things,

we gotta barricade this entire place,

make sure nobody can get in, okay.

Second is supplies.

Hopefully there's still some food left at concessions.

Oh, yes, I love their nachos.

- Huh, hold on a sec. - Cool.

What else.

You caught that raccoon up in your mom's attic, right?

Yeah.

Do you think you can booby trap this entire place?

Booby traps, man I've got more ideas

for traps than Kevin McCallister.

Huh, huh?

Sniper post.

I got like 100% coverage up here, pop.

Oh, I can tap into the lighting

or sound system so we can control it from anywhere.

What?

Even cougars can be tech savvy.

All right, good.

Let's do this.

Beat?

- When are you gonna learn? - Shut up.

Awesome.

That right there?

That's our last resort, that's our Alamo.

What's an Alamo?

Uh, it's French, for ice cream.

Well boss, I think we're uh, we should be pretty set.

Maybe, uh, maybe we can take a few minutes,

maybe an hour, just take some rest.

Morning will be in a few hours,

can I just, can I just lay down here Jonsey.

- No. - Set my alarm.

BJ, for once, that sounds like a,

like a very good idea.

I'll take first watch.

Wake, up, wake up boys.

All right noise, let's go check it out.

Whoa.

What's goin' on?

I'm coming for you Jonsey.

Love Jenny.

Colon, hyphen end parenthesis.

Wave, that's a smiley face.

Wow.

I told you that was some real big old shit.

Yeah, thanks Wave.

Hey, hey, steady.

Steady.

Nope.

Fuck.

Wait for me, wait for me!

Those,

Do you guys give you up?

Or are you thirsty for more.

This one, is for taking our clothes!

And this one is for taking Wave's food.

This one is for locking us in the basement with a zombie!

One, two, 10!

Keep the change you filthy animal!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Well this one was for whatever her name was!

Oh my god.

Midget cannibals they're up here too!

Okay.

Oh.

I thought the smelled bad on the outside.

Well that was easy.

A little too easy.

To the Alamo!

- Come on, come on. - Hold me, hold me!

Let go!

Let's go boys!

Thanks guys.

Well boys, it's been fun.

Yeah, Jones, it's been a real honor.

Yeah man, an honor.

Well, what are you waitin' for?

Son of a bitch!

Bruce, sir, well done, well done.

Don't touch me, mascots.

Where's Jonsey?

I'll kill him.

Drop it.

Good, good.

Now Jonsey, we can be together forever.

Seriously?

Ask me Jonsey.

Tell me you'll love me forever.

And I'll let your friends go.

Sorry guys.

You win.

Jenny.

Will you.

Don't do it!

Will you, do me the honor.

Will you, marry

Will you do me,

Ow.

Not some bitch is takin' this old woman's man.

No!

Oh yeah.

Let's get 'em boys!

Let's wash this zombie shit off us.

Still lookin' for his hidden penis.

What do we do with him?

I've, I've got an idea.

Huh, huh?

This is far from over folks.

They're suggesting you get out of the city

as soon as possible, fires and zombies are everywhere,

Brian Pyette, reporting from the U.P.

When you need glitter, when you need sparkle.

So what now Captain?

Guess we get out of town.

I don't think we're all gonna fit in this.

What's that?

Oh!

Oh my God.

Barry Melrose!

Oh son of a bitch, that's awesome!

Come on boys.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hear it's safe in Moose Jaw.

Mr. Melrose, what an honor.

How'd you find us?

Saw your spotlight.

Son of a bitch.

Wow Mrs. Johnson.

Called me Cherry.

Subtitles by explosiveskull