Original subtitles

Morning, Gus, my little one-finned wonder.

Hello, Mom. It's me. Just checkin' in.

I got your postcard, putting it up on Gus' tank now.

Yeah, it's very nice. He is fuming, though.

Keeps asking why I don't take him anywhere nice.

Maybe one day, right?

He'd love to get out there, but it's a bit hard with one fin, innit?

Anyway, Mom, all's well here. Not too bad.

Still wake up every morning still feeling like I got hit by a bus.

And if you...

Hey, mate, still selling the old brushes and brooms, right?

Right in front of my entrance. It's... Got no problem with it. Cheers.

Anyway, sorry I missed you, Mom.

I'll try you again tomorrow. Laters, gators.

Oh, bloody hell. Wait!

Bollocks.

Cheers.

Hmm.

Will you look at that?

Looks like someone mistook

the Great Pyramid of Giza for a rubbish dump.

It's not like there's anything in there.

Yeah. Maybe not.

But in there

is something wicked.

Check it out. They'd take this big metal hook, right?

And they go up the old nozzle and...

All the organs would come out. Except for the heart.

How come?

Because they believed you needed your heart

to be judged in the Underworld

and only the worthiest would be allowed to pass through the Field of Reeds.

And did it suck for you? Getting rejected from the Field of Reeds?

That doesn't make sense 'cause I'm not dead, am I?

- Stevie. - Am I...

- That better not be you again. - Sorry, Donna. Yeah, sorry. Got it.

There we go.

Don't know how many times I have to tell you this.

You're not the bloody tour guide, Stevie.

Steven, actually. I am... Steven.

No, you're bloody useless

unless you're actually doing what you're paid to do,

which is to sell these to children.

Got it.

Hello.

- Hello. - How's the sugar trade going?

I don't know what this has to do with Egypt really.

They didn't have that back then, did they? No.

They liked figs and dates, and...

My next tour's here but just checking, we still on for 7:00 tomorrow?

- "7:00 tomorrow"? - "Best steak in town"?

- Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah. - Yeah? Okay.

Sorry. But...

- What? - Are you asking me out?

You're funny. I'll see you then.

Stevie, you absolute rascal. I didn't know you had taken a crack.

I didn't know either.

Hang on, did she say steak?

What in the world's a bloody vegan gonna eat in a steak house?

I don't know, Donna. Salad? Bread?

Yeah, I can see why she went for it. Real catch you are.

- Bring those hippos up here, will you? - Yeah, sure.

Taweret. The hippo, Goddess Taweret. Oh, Donna, that reminds me.

When I was coming in this morning, I saw the banners outside.

And that's what made you late for work again, was it?

No. Sorry about that.

- The bus came early... - Third time this week

- you've shuffled in like a lazy sod. - I know.

That's why you'll be on inventory this week. Well done.

All right. Aye, aye, Captain.

But no. I wanted to tell you that

the banners and the posters of the Ennead...

- The what? - The Ennead?

You know, like, the super group of Egyptian gods?

- You got Horus, Osiris, Tefnut... - Stop, please.

If this is some weird audition to tour guide here, the answer's still no.

No. What I'm trying... That's actually crushing to hear.

But what I'm trying to point out...

I'm not trying to slag off marketing, but there's been a major blunder

because they've got seven gods here, and the Ennead has nine.

I fired two of them for bein' late.

Listen, if you don't stop natterin' at me, I swear I'll shove you in a sarcophagus.

You can tell the pharaoh in there what's wrong with them and all.

- Go on. - All right.

- Go. Now. Oh, leave it. - Yeah. I'm sorry.

Just leave it. Get out. Go away from me.

All right, always lovely to chat.

- Hey. Good night, J.B. - Good night, Scotty.

- See ya, mate. - Scotty?

It's Steven. With a "V".

Huh.

See you tomorrow.

Honestly, it's like my body wants to get up

and wander about, you know, like it has to get the 10,000 steps in.

You know? And I don't even know about it until I wake up wherever.

That's why I try to stay awake at night. What do you think?

Nah. You're right. I mean, I guess

there are stranger things that people do, but...

No? Well, I think it's a bit... I'm sorry.

Extra pralines for the man himself.

So, the girl I was telling you about, the one from work.

- We're going on a date tomorrow. - Excuse me.

- Can you take our picture with him? - Sure.

- Thank you. - We're going on a date.

I didn't even ask her. I don't know how it happened.

One. Two. Three.

- There you are. Cheers. - Thank you.

- Don't forget the tip. - Oh, yes.

- Cheers. - Thank you.

Anyway, if I am gonna have a girlfriend, at some point,

obviously can't have ankle restraints on my bed, can I?

That's like the definition of a red flag, isn't it?

You know what I mean, yeah? Yeah, you know what I mean.

Gotta figure something out.

All right, I better jog on.

Nice catching up.

I will see you on the flip-flop.

All right, laters.

Hello! And welcome to Staying Awake.

Let's start with trying to solve a puzzle.

Solving puzzles is a great way to keep your mind awake.

Bored with puzzles? Try a book.

Reading can keep your mind alert and focused.

Imagine being in the story you're reading.

Is there an exciting chapter you'd like to be a part of?

Just remember, you'll need about five hours to keep your natural self.

Hello! And welcome to Staying Awake.

Let's start with trying to solve a puzzle.

Solving puzzles is a great way to keep your mind awake.

Bored with puzzles?

Try a book.

Hello! Reading... Is there a chapter you'd like to be a part of?

Oh, my God.

Ah!

Oh, that was weird. What happened?

What... What was that?

- Go back to sleep, worm. - Hello?

- You're not supposed to be here. - Yep. I completely agree.

- Where are you? - Surrender the body to Marc.

Sorry, what? "The body"? What...

- "Surrender the body"? What body? - Oh, the idiot's in control.

Hello.

Hi...

What are you doing?

No, no, no!

Don't just stand there. Run!

No, no, no! No! Please!

He's heading for the village.

What a beautiful day.

It's like we're in Heaven. Only it's not Heaven, is it?

It's a darkness. Sometimes it hides in our very hearts.

We are here to make the Earth as much like Heaven as possible.

Who'd like to go first?

You're a brave man. Offering your soul for judgment.

Wanting to serve our goddess even before she wakes.

I judge you in Ammit's name with but a fraction of her power.

This is the face of a good man.

Thank you.

Who would like to go next?

Please, Harrow. I must know.

Call me Arthur. Come.

Will you accept your scales, regardless of the outcome?

Yes.

I'm sorry.

I've been good my entire life.

I believe you.

But the scales see everything. Perhaps it's something that lies ahead.

Well... I wish you could live to see the world we make.

Yet, Ammit has decided.

I'm sorry. There was a problem with the exchange.

We got ambushed. Someone killed two of our men.

Is he still here?

We think so, yes.

- Oh, bollocks. - You...

I know you.

Me? Hi, uh...

Mercenary.

"Mercenary"? No, no. I'm not a mercenary.

No, I'm a gift shop-ist.

I work at a gift shop. My name's Steven Grant.

Uh...

I'm trying to get back home. Back to London.

London? Don't know why I'm saying it like that.

- Well, Steven Grant of the gift shop. - Yeah?

- Will you return the scarab? - The... The what? Oh, all right.

Yeah, the... Oh, you mean...

- You will give him nothing. - Here.

I strongly encourage you to return that.

I'm not... I'm...

I'm try...

Come on, now. It's like my fingers froze.

But here's some of that... I don't know, maybe it's the high altitude or something.

Ah!

There, take it. So strange. Sorry, but...

- I will not ask again. - I didn't do that on purpose.

I don't know what's happening.

There we go. Just take it, take it, take it, take it.

- Oh, God! Now I'm trying to stop my legs. - Take him!

I can't... I'm trying to stop my legs from moving. I'm trying to give it to you.

- Wait, wait, wait! - It's all right.

I'm trying, mate. I swear I'm trying to give it to you.

Got it!

No. The idiot's back.

Ah...

Oh...

Sorry.

Oh, God.

I'm just gonna... I'm gonna go, all right? Yeah.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

I see you're angry. I know I've made you angry. I'm sorry, yeah?

Please, I don't...

Oh, God.

Don't you dare drop the scarab.

All right, all right, all right!

That is my van! That is my van!

What am I doing? What am I doing? I don't even have my license.

Oh, my God.

Bugger, there's so many of them.

This has to be a dream. This has to be a dream.

They're gonna kill me. They're gonna kill me.

Come on, you bloody cupcake van! Move it!

Come on! Move your ass! Thank you. So sorry. Thank you.

Charming.

Wait, wait, wait! I'm sorry, I'm sorry about the cupcake. No, no, no!

Wake up, Marc! If he loses the scarab, I'll kill you both.

I don't understand what's happening!

- Truck, stupid! - What?

Truck!

No!

Oh, no, no, no!

Huh? Oh, God.

I'm driving backwards.

- Did he just throw the gun? - I don't know what I'm doing.

Then leave us be, parasite!

Oh, come on, come on.

Oh, shit!

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

What Neanderthals dreamed of. The paleoanthropologists...

How we doin', Gus? You sleep all right?

Hmm?

I wonder what fishes dream about.

What the... Fish.

What do you mean, "grew back"?

Yesterday, that fish had one fin. It was like that when I bought him.

- Today, what do you see? - I see two...

Two fins! Yeah, sorry. But, yeah, he's got two fins now.

So, is that normal, or...

Well, if you wanna swap it, go ahead.

But, like I said yesterday, they've all got...

What do you mean? I wasn't here yesterday.

Yeah, all right.

Look, as I said, they've all got two fins.

I don't care what that Nemo movie says.

Find a pet shop that sells disabled fish and go there.

- I don't have time for this. - Wait, is that... Is that clock right?

No, that's impossible, I just woke up.

Are you mad? The fish is wrong, the time is wrong. You're not quite right.

Bugger, I've got a date. Sorry, I've got a date.

All right.

You look like a knob.

We still expecting one more?

Yes. It's not looking so good, is it?

Punchy. Calling me now?

What? What do you mean? I'm at the restaurant for steak. It's steak time.

Yeah, I ate steak by myself, thanks. Two days ago.

What? I thought we said Friday? Today.

Right. Welcome to Sunday.

Come on, no. I think Friday still comes after Thursday, doesn't it?

It doesn't change the fact that today is Sunday,

which means "lose my number."

Cheers.

But...

Sorry, what day is it today?

- Sunday, sir. - No.

Is it...

Really?

The kitchen's closing soon.

Okay. Um... You know what?

I'll have a steak, please.

Sure. What cut would you like?

I see.

Um...

I'll have the best bit of the...

The steak. That's the bit that I want.

The center-cut's fillet. And how would you like that?

Good, yeah. Very good. Very good. Yeah.

- I'll... I'll put you for well done. - Okay. All right.

Yeah. That sounds delicious.

Yeah, you know, I think she really liked me.

She loved the flowers. Yeah.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna bring her around soon, I think.

Yeah, I think you'd love her. Yeah, she's got a great sense of humor.

So... Anyway, I'll tell you more about it tomorrow. Love you. Laters, gators.

Do you want some?

All right.

You can have some sprinkles.

If you're Gus, I'm the bloody Queen of Sheba.

What's this?

What is this about?

There we are.

All right.

Layla.

Yeah?

Oh, my God, you're alive.

- Yeah, all right. - That's it?

I've been texting and calling you for months.

You couldn't give me any sign that you were okay?

I thought something happened to you.

Where are you? Where've you been?

Uh...

Hello? You...

Sorry, I just found this phone in my flat,

and I'm just trying to figure out whose it is.

- What is with this accent? - What?

What is happening right now?

Sorry, who do you think I am?

What do you mean, "who"? What's wrong with you, Marc?

What did you just call me?

Who is this?

Why did you call me "Marc"?

Hello?

No, no, no. Come on.

Steven.

Steven.

- Hello? - Steven.

- You need to stop. - Who said that?

- You're gonna get yourself in trouble. - Oh, no, no, no, mate.

Someone's having a laugh.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Bloody hell.

What the...

Steven.

Stop looking.

Oh, God. What's happening?

What's happening?

Oh, God!

No, G. G, G. Let's go. Come on. Ground floor.

Hold the door.

Thank you.

Hiya.

- Hi. - You all right?

Fine. Thank you.

Just lost my contact lens.

Hope you find it.

Electrical problems in the building, innit?

Always the same, isn't it?

- Are we back on the fifth floor? - Yes, the fifth.

My friend Claire lives here. I'm visiting her.

She's expecting me.

What's going on?

Oh, my God. He's real.

Hey, J.B., how you doin', mate?

- How's it going, Scotty? All right, mate. - It's Steven.

- Are you watching otter videos again? - They're adorable, mate.

Great, yeah. Cool. Listen, man,

I need you to keep an eye out, 'cause I'm being followed.

- Really, mate? - Yeah. Will you just,

- like, not let anyone in, yeah? - It's a museum. That'll be difficult.

Obviously. I just mean, like, anyone dodgy.

Anyone who wants to come in can, it's free.

- I get it. This man... - Can you take these downstairs?

- Wait. I know. - Gotta go, it's Mom.

- I get it. Just a second. - Take it downstairs now.

- Just help me out... - Can you take this downstairs, please?

Oh, my God. That man was on the bus.

I don't give a monkey's. Take these downstairs...

Will you... Please, just give me a minute?

Yeah? Thanks, Donna.

You're still on inventory tonight.

- So you really do work here. - Oh, God.

I'd assumed Steven Grant was an alias. Imagine my surprise to find you here.

Excuse me, Ronnie. This man right here has been following me.

- Now, I don't know... - Praise Ammit.

- Thank you. - Ronnie, you're part of this?

Mate, I don't have your bloody beetle. I swear. I...

Oh, no. The scarab doesn't belong to me. It belongs to her. Do you know Ammit?

Do I know Ammit... No, not personally.

Egyptian deity, right?

World's first bogeyman.

She was only the bogeyman for evildoers.

- Right. - She grew weary of having to wait

for sinners to commit their crime before punishing them.

Would you wait to weed a garden till after the roses were dead?

I wouldn't do that.

The justice of Ammit surveys the whole of our lives.

- Got it. - Past, present, future.

She knows what we've done, and what we will do.

Great. Okay. Well, the books must have left that part out.

Consider this...

Had Ammit been free, she would have

prevented Hitler and the destruction he wrought.

Nero, the Armenian genocide, Pol Pot.

- Not nice people. - But she was betrayed.

- Was she? - By indolent fellow gods.

By even her own Avatar.

"Avatars." Blue people. Love that film.

- By Avatar, what I mean... - You mean the anime?

- Steven. Stop it. - Are you going to kill me?

It's maddening, isn't it?

The voice in your head.

Relentless, forever unsatisfied.

No matter how hard you try to please,

it devours you until there's nothing left

but a hollow shell.

And the more you ask for help,

the more you begin to sound like the boy who cried wolf.

I can't help you.

I am trying to help you.

I saw you kill that woman in the Alps.

I only told her what millions more will soon learn.

Do you wanna know the truth?

There's chaos in you.

There's what?

Let him go.

Oh, bloody hell.

Hello? Donna?

Pets allowed in the museum.

Here, boy.

Hello?

Where are you, you little bugger?

What are you doing, Steven?

Here, boy.

Hello?

Oh, classic.

I hear you, can you hear me?

Oh.

Yeah.

Steven Grant of the gift shop.

Give me the scarab and you won't be torn apart.

Good Lord!

Oh, God!

Oh, God.

Steven...

Steven, I can save us.

But I can't have you fightin' me this time.

You need to give me control. You understand?

No, what... Control of what? What are you talking about?

That thing's about to break through the door. We're out of time.

- All right, hey. Listen to me. - Damn it! No!

- Listen. Look at me. - No!

- Look at me. - You're not real!

- This is real. I'm real. - No! You're not real.

- None of this is real. - Yes. Steven. You gotta give me control.

It's the only way.

- Oh, God. I'm gonna die. - You... Steven.

- I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. - Look at me.

You're not gonna die.

Let me save us.