Original subtitles

Janice.

Hello.

How is our favorite professional liar this evening?

It's lawyer, dear.

Thank God you teach history and not spelling.

Mm-hmm Oh.

Anything for me?

Shit.

I know.

It blows goat, right?

Did you know about this?

No, not even a hint.

Not that he would tell me, that whore.

Careful now, I used to date that whore.

Two points.

First, I meant that it's not a surprise he wouldn't tell me

given the circumstances, and that's

why he's a whore, figuratively.

Not figuratively.

And second, you still carry a big ol' flame for Max.

No evidence.

Leave the lawyering to me.

You stick to dealing with your little middle schoolers.

Oh, speaking of, Lance is coming over

to help me with my lesson plan.

Great.

Let's make my day that much worse.

If you weren't such a stick in the mud you

two would get along a hell of a lot better.

I have no interest in hanging out

with your little twinkle teaching buddy.

It's too bad.

He said you're kind of hot.

I don't date 18-year-olds.

He is 25, and you know it.

OK.

I'll take your word for it.

What's wrong now?

David just called, and he canceled.

Aw, I'm sorry.

You can find another best man.

I know.

It's just not what I needed.

Don't worry about it.

Tell you what.

Here.

Babe.

Make a list of every guy you think'll make a good best man.

Aw, I have better stuff to do than that today.

There's no time like the present.

Yes, sir, Mr. Drill Sergeant, sir.

Don't be like that.

You'll feel better if you just take of the problem now,

I promise, my love.

Whatever.

Hey.

I love you.

Now get.

He was so drunk he couldn't find

his way back to the dorm room.

He ended up sleeping in the common area

with the smelly fat kid.

Awww, poor smelly fat kid.

I know.

With all the drums.

I'm sorry I thought that you guys had

some actual work to accomplish.

Oh, we're done.

Um, now we're just telling stories at your expense.

Awesome.

Aw.

Who's that?

Aw, that's Max.

That's Aiden's one that got away.

Ooh, dish.

No, they'll be no dishing of any sort.

I'm sorry, he's sensitive.

Max is getting married in a couple months.

Whatever I'm not even going.

You are so still in to him.

See, even he can tell.

For your information I can't go.

I don't have a boyfriend.

That's dumb.

No, he's right.

You've got to have a better date than the groom.

It's like a rule.

You know what I would do?

What?

I would stop caring what my ex thought, and I would go anyway.

But we both know you're still hung up on him.

I am not.

It's understandable.

They were together for four years.

Real years, or gay years?

Um, real years.

What are gay years?

It's a conversion factor of four months to a gay year.

That way you can compare them with straight relationships.

Is this real?

Don't look at me.

What about lesbians?

They just move in after the second date

and call it forever.

Aw.

Why do I have to have a best man anyways?

Here.

Put this away please.

I mean it's not even legal, so why do we have

to conform to the tradition?

Because we'll look stupid if there's three

guys standing at the alter.

Well, cancel the check.

Babe, don't be like that.

I have one person left on this list.

So why are we arguing?

Just call him.

Whatever you say.

See, that wasn't so hard, was it?

Now no more talking.

Let's get some sleep.

We got a lot of work do tomorrow.

I love you.

Uh-huh.

Mm.

This is Aiden.

Aiden, it's Max.

Max, hey.

How are things?

Good, great.

How are things with work?

Fine.

Look, I'm calling about the wedding.

Oh yeah, I think I read something about

that the gay mafia circular.

Save it.

Look my brother canceled on me, so I don't have a best man.

Oh.

Maybe you could ask your dad, or Mark maybe?

I'm trying to ask you.

Me?

Are you sure?

I mean, I'm really honored everything, but...

Do you really think I would be asking

you if I had any other option?

OK, I'm going to give you an A for balls,

but an F minus in buttering up.

Just think about it.

I don't know, Max.

Look, you can stay with Forrest and I at his lake house.

You won't have to get a hotel room or anything.

I don't know, I mean I'm honored and everything.

It's just that We haven't really spoken since...

Just think about it.

I'm really in a pinch here.

And I could really use your help right now.

OK, I'll think about.

Call me back. Please.

OK.

Bye.

Jesus Christ.

Hey sexy.

The yoga buddies are back.

Well, if it isn't the little pink wonder, and Janice.

You're just jealous because I'm way more flexible than you.

I really did not need that mental image in my head

- this morning. - Hush.

Be nice.

Can't.

I'm not a nice mood.

It's 10 o'clock on Saturday morning.

Why are you such a grumpasaurus?

You know history teachers really

shouldn't make references to nonexistent dinosaurs.

Prehistory is archaeology, or biology.

That's not my department

Max called.

O-M-G.

Really?

I thought you weren't going.

I wasn't, but then he called and asked

me to be his best man.

R-O-F-L.

Can you stop that please?

No, it's cute.

Deal with it.

Hey, hey, hey.

Mama needs her information.

Behave.

Better.

So what you say?

I said I'd think about it.

L-M-A-F-O.

That even make sense.

Max, my point is you can't invite

your ex to be your best man.

And my point is, I don't have anyone else to ask.

Well what about Gary or Shawn?

Those are your friends, come on.

Aiden and I were best friends in high school.

We went to college together.

He's not just my ex.

I just can't believe you didn't tell me first.

I tried to tell you last night, and you just waved me off

and told me to just call him.

You need to be more forceful.

You need to be less domineering.

I'm done with this conversation.

Stop being a dramatic, old queen, really?

I think the main issue is you're still in love with him.

No, it's just that I would rather stick

my hand into a running blender.

Oh, be logical.

This coming from you.

I am a math teacher.

God, I fear for today's youth.

Aid, the only reason not to go is if you

still have feelings for him.

Hmm.

Do you, maybe?

Maybe you?

Maybe.

Mmm.

Fine.

Mm-hmm.

I could pass as a bear, right?

What game are you playing?

As long as you're sure he won't say yes, I forgive you.

I think he would rather put his hand in a blender,

than say yes.

Hey.

Yea.

Really?

OK.

OK, bye.

Well?

He said yes.

I love you.

So the man walks up to the pirate he says, hey,

there's a steering wheel sticking out of your pants.

And the pirate goes, aargh it's driving me nuts.

That's an awful joke.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Hey.

Yea, I know I'm running.

I know, right.

No.

No, seriously I'm running.

Yeah, Oh uh, is Aidan dating anyone?

Yes, yes.

He has a boyfriend, uh and everything.

They, you know, they're happy, happy like like oysters...

clams, happy like clams.

Just, OK.

His name is, um, I always forget his name.

It's uh, um, it's um, it's Brick.

Brick?

Uh, yeah, I will tell him.

Yes.

What the hell was that?

I don't know.

I'm not a very good liar.

That's your department.

That's like the single worst made up name ever.

You could break up with this, uh, Brick person.

No, that just makes me sound like a loser.

You could convince Lance to go as Brick to the wedding.

No way.

I'll just have to find somebody else.

In a month?

Easy.

If it's so easy than why haven't you found

anybody in the past two years?

I'll race you back to the house.

Bitch.

I'm kind of hoping to settle down.

I'm really not into the whole dating scene.

Yeah, I'm not all that excited about it either.

As I see it it's a necessary evil.

Much better.

Ah.

So, you've ever been any long term relationships?

No, I haven't been fortunate enough just yet.

You?

Just one.

We broke up a few years ago.

I'm sorry to hear that.

No problem.

I mean, it happens, right?

Right.

So, you have any hobbies?

Um, golf, mostly.

I like to golf.

I love golf.

Wow.

Do You play a lot?

Um, uh, yes.

No, uh, yes.

Uh, no.

Yeah, once a week, uh maybe, sometimes twice.

That's quite a bit.

I wish I could do that.

Job keeps me really busy a lot of the time.

I like your shirt.

Thank you.

So curious, what's your handicap?

Excuse me.

Ugh.

So how'd the date go?

Mmm, that well?

All right.

So?

OCD.

Oh, no, you didn't.

What can I say?

It is terrible karma to mess with people like that.

Why should I worry about karma?

You know Max is as hung up on you, as you are on him.

What makes you say that?

Because I talked to him today, and you

mentioned you like 1,000 times more than he mentioned Forrest.

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Whatever.

We've moved on, it's fine.

Yeah, sure.

You want me to call Lance about the wedding yet?

No.

Suite yourself.

Better luck next time.

Smart ass.

So tell me about yourself.

Oh, there's not a whole lot to tell.

I was born in Maryland, and I moved down here

when I was about 23 for a job.

Been here ever since.

Cool.

So what do you look for in a guy?

Um, the usual, but could you not be so loud?

Sorry, I can't help but get the feeling that you're

a little bit uncomfortable.

Well, I'm not exactly out.

I'm kind of new to this, so.

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen,

we have a homosexual in our presence.

It's nice meeting you.

Oh, by the way, they have cherry pie here.

Maybe you can pretend to eat some.

I'm talking about short-term stocks,

long-term stocks, blue chips, short chips, whatever.

I'm exponential.

And the whole stock market, I mean the company that I ran,

I personally increased sales over 5%.

Um, if you'd like to we can just go back to your house

and talk about long-term stocks, if you'd like.

Let's see.

Hmm.

I'm a Leo.

Rawr.

Are you open minded?

You know what, it's too soon.

It's too soon, I don't want to freak you out.

I don't want to do that.

You could really use the work yourself.

I think you'd respond to heavy training.

Yeah, but who has the time these days?

There's always time to work out.

Just look.

Come on.

You got to give it 110%.

I'm not sure that's mathematically possible.

No pain no gain, my friend.

Seriously though, believe it or not, I used to work retail,

and I was a skinny little bitch!

But now, look at me. Just look at me.

Yeah, look at you.

I bet you really like full-length mirrors.

Most guys wish they could look like me.

That's where my job comes in.

I help guys out like you.

It's like a public service.

Here, I think I got one of my before pictures.

I can definitely see a change.

No, yeah, I see.

Amazing.

Hey, I've been looking everywhere for you.

Have you been here the whole time?

Yeah.

What's the matter?

What can I do to help?

Nothing.

I mean, it's just... I'm just overwhelmed.

Hey, I know the wedding can be stressful,

just try not to worry about it.

It's just happening so quick.

Isn't that a good thing?

Well, no, yeah.

I mean, it is but I... it's just been

a really eventful seven months.

Don't you worry about a thing.

I'll take some time off and I'll help

Thank you.

Now I'm going to make you that chocolate martini.

Bet you can use it right now.

Yeah.

If you're a really good boy, you

get some more chocolate later.

Oh, yeah.

Uh-huh.

Thank you.

Bigbear69?

No.

Prettyboy18?

No, thanks.

Silverfox64?

No way.

And image.

What the hell's wrong with people?

Really did not need to see that today.

OK, how about, no no.

give up.

Janice.

Yes.

I give in.

Call Lance.

See if you can sweet talk him into going with me.

I would love to.

But you're going to have to do the convincing.

I was afraid you'd say that.

I'll see if he can come over tonight?

OK.

Wonderful.

Aiden and Lance, sitting in a tree.

Uh.

Well, that was good, but can I ask you all a question?

Sure.

What gives?

Oh, whatever do you mean?

I've eaten over here like, oh, 100 times,

and have never seen the two of you so nervous.

Well, I kinda need to ask a favor of you.

You?

Asking me?

Never mind, this was a mistake.

Don't get your panties all up in a bunch.

What's up?

OK, you know how Max's wedding is coming up, and everything.

Somehow he couldn't find himself a date.

Him?

No, never, what?

Yeah, I'll go with you.

But I have a price.

What?

You have to treat me nice.

No, like a queen.

Even if it kills you.

It might.

Deal.

Not finished.

You also have to do my taxes this year.

Ohhh.

You drive a hard bargain.

Oh, that's not the only hard thing I'm known for.

You're such a heathen.

Oh, don't I know it.

It sounds reasonable.

What do you think, Aid?

Fine.

But you have to pretend your name is Brick.

That's like the single worse made-up name ever.

Don't look at me.

Janice came up with that jewel.

I panicked.

OK?

It's all right.

Thank you.

Besides, it may be fun.

Yeah.

I haven't done any acting since high school.

Great, that couldn't have been too long ago.

Brick, Brick, Lance!

What?

You forgot one.

You forgot one.

Forgot one.

Forgot one, you know...

Ohh.

Forgot one.

Sure did.

Thanks, Janice.

You're welcome.

Go.

It's only for a few days.

What the hell do you need all that for?

A girl has to be prepared.

A girl, maybe, but not a little boy princess.

I'm a queen to you, remember?

Right.

So put your royal baggage in the carriage, your majesty.

Oh, no.

I don't think so.

That's what I have servants for.

Geez, what did he pack in here?

Bricks?

Funny.

I thought so.

Look, if you're going to try to share

your pissy little mood with the rest of us, don't bother.

We got four hours to the lake house.

Boop.

You know you love me.

So, what's your back story?

Um, well I was thinking that we worked together,

and that I saw him and our eyes met.

And I just knew we had to be together, forever.

So romantic.

I know, right?

Sounds great.

Maybe I should hang out at office buildings.

Sounds like a great way to meet security guards.

Added bonus, they share your love of handcuffs.

Party pooper.

Just between you and me, Aiden and I are into role playing.

Oh!

He likes to be the security guard,

and I'm the lost British little school

boy who needs a spanking.

God, kill me now.

At least you don't have to pretend to be somebody else.

Oh no, that part I like.

It's fun pretending to be someone else.

Kinky.

Mmm, you know it sugar muffin.

We're all into the kinky.

Are you?

He just loves his little Bricky.

It's Bricky now, is it?

Only to his friends.

Oh, and FYI, my safe word is, really.

Bring on the fresh towels.

Janice is in the house.

Open.

Suitcase.

- Really? - Yes.

Oh, OK.

You two lovebirds have fun now, you hear?

You know it.

And seriously, look after Aiden for me, would you?

I will.

Brick's on the job.

I'm so sorry about the name.

No, no, it's OK.

If Blanket is acceptable, anything is.

True

I'm ready for my mission.

Oh Christ.

Wish me luck.

Good luck to both of you.

And Aiden, do us all a favor and try to have fun.

Looks like this.

- Kisses. - Muah.

Bye.

Yeah, fun.

Loads of fun.

Let's go, princess.

I'm always leery of directions that involve the phrase,

turn off the paved road.

Thanks for getting the luggage, monkey muffin.

I'm guessing you must be Brick.

I...

Max, they're here.

I'm Forrest.

Mmm, Brick.

Well come on in, get comfortable.

Looks like Aiden could use a little help with the luggage.

Go on in, meet Max, get settled.

You must be Aiden.

Max told me a lot about you.

I was afraid about that.

Wow, I guess your boyfriend is not the type to pack lightly.

What was your first clue?

Brick'?

I'm Max, sorry I didn't mean to startle you.

Oh, no, no, um, no worries.

I just get nervous in strange places.

Not that this place is strange at all, it's just old... er.

Uh, but it's lovely.

Can we start over?

- Yeah. - I'm Brick.

- I'm Max. - Hi.

Good to meet you.

Um, let me show you to where you and Aiden will be

sleeping... staying... together.

Aid's room.

Not, where you'll together.

That'd be great.

Did he pack his whole closet?

Apparently.

That's so adorable.

Or a little bit annoying, depending

on how you look at it.

So just make sure you pull it a little bit.

Um, the kitchen's right down to the left.

You can help yourself to anything

you want in the fridge.

Just make yourself at home.

I really don't mind.

Aiden.

Hey, Max.

Thanks for coming.

Aw, it's good to see you.

It's good to see you too, Aid.

It's been way too long.

Yea, it has.

I'll just leave this here and go finish dinner.

Oh, um, I'm starving.

Do you need any help?

If you'd like.

Go ahead, I can get us unpacked.

YaY-

So, when did you start dating teenagers?

Funny.

I could say the same thing about you and sugar

daddy McSaggy balls out there.

You're just jealous.

Forrest is caring, compassionate, kind.

Things that you wouldn't know much about.

Besides, there's only an eight-year gap.

That's funny that I didn't hear the word hot in there anywhere.

How are things in bed?

Um, none of you business.

Don't get defensive, I was just asking.

Lawyers don't ask questions, they make statements that end

in question marks, remember?

You taught me that one.

You're too easy.

It's been, what, five minutes and you're

already all flustered.

What are you talking about?

You didn't even unpack this.

Let me help you.

I see he's into feathers.

Or is this yours?

It is not, thank you very much.

And my sex life is none of your business.

Stop.

En garde.

Quit.

Victory is mine.

Oh yeah?

Mine's bigger.

And I've got more reach on the thrust.

You may have and this time, but with puns

that bad it's a hollow victory.

Yeah, well it was either that, or some sort of variation

on the double-headed theme.

Had to choose.

OK.

On that note, I'm going to go in the kitchen

with my soon-to-be husband while you take inventory

of all of your play thingies.

Oh, Max.

Yeah.

It's good to see you again.

You too, Aid.

So Brick, what do you do for a living?

I'm a secret agent for the CIA.

Really?

I'm kidding.

I'm an algebra teacher.

That's wonderful.

Both of my parents were teachers.

I never really wanted to do anything else.

It's more of a calling, not a career.

Weird.

That's what my mom used to say.

Smart lady.

Well, I work in real estate.

Really?

Ow.

Aiden, are you all right?

Yeah, I hit my leg on something under the table.

Anyway, I work in commercial development,

though I'm starting to dabble in residential.

Isn't that better?

Well it's a bigger business.

Max always liked bigger things.

Ow.

Damn table.

Maybe should move your chair over to one side?

Yeah, I'll give it a try.

Much better.

I have to go powder my nose.

OK.

So who's up for dessert?

That would be lovely, darling.

That would be lovely darling.

Behave yourself, Aid.

I'm offended.

I haven't done anything.

Stop mocking Forrest.

It took him a long time to be OK with this whole best man thing.

I'm sure he can handle himself just fine.

Don't you dare do anything.

Here we go.

Uh, this looks amazing.

You are the best cook.

Wow, thanks babe.

Um, I'm going to get the coffee.

Here, let me help.

Stupid leg.

Jesus, that freaking hurt.

I got a bruise.

Oh.

Ouch.

This looks great.

Shit.

I didn't know you were table challenged.

Go fuck yourself.

Oh, no that's your job sugar rabbit.

OK, black for Aiden.

Am I right?

I'm sweet enough as it is.

So Brick, how do you like your coffee?

Brick, baby.

How do you want your coffee?

Oh, uh, just cream, please.

Cream, huh?

Should have guessed.

Well, what can I say?

You're so adorable, hun.

Hmm.

I'm going to have to be adorable more often.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, by the way, Thursday night the guys

are going to take me out for this bachelor-type party deal.

And I was thinking that maybe you guys could go

out and make a night of it too.

Oh no, really, that's not necessary.

No, that's a great idea.

After all, the best man is supposed to throw

one for him groom, right?

It'll get it set up.

No, really you don't have to do that.

I insist.

I'll call Janice, get some of your friends together,

it'll be great.

I'm sorry.

I haven't had this since I was studying in Italy.

Florence in Italy.

Well thanks, that's high praise.

Would like some more?

Yes, please.

Well let me get you a second helping.

Oh, by the way, who's up for margaritas after this?

Me.

Sounds good to me.

Guess we're having margaritas.

That's the clincher.

Oh, good God.

Don't you just love them?

They're very you.

Aw, thanks.

I'm a bit of a wizard with the sewing machine.

Did you dig those out of your little, special bag there?

I was wondering if you found that.

Hm-hmm.

You could have warned me.

Max was in here when I did.

Sorry, It was Janice's idea.

She uh was hoping Max would snoop,

and she said you needed to level the playing field.

That's not anything I ever had to worry about with Max.

He's always good about handling himself.

That's why I love him.

You said love.

Like.

You know I meant like.

No, you said love, drunkie-poo.

Oh my God, you're completely trashed.

Well, if you don't love Max anymore

then you won't mind if I do this.

What are you doing?

Winning.

Sorry, I just wanted to see you if you guys needed anything.

I'll knock next time.

Sorry.

It's OK.

I saw the way he looked at you.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Your friend, Lance, jumped me last night.

Oh please, he's probably just being playful.

He had me pinned to the bed when Max walked into the room.

So, what's the problem?

I mean you do want Max to think that you're a couple, right?

Ooh.

Unless, of course, you're ready to admit that

you still love him.

This whole thing was a horrible idea.

You're such a drama queen.

At least you can admit it.

You know, the first step in solving the problem

is recognizing that you have one.

That's for drunks, not for relationships.

Same difference.

You're a Max-addict.

Tell him how you feel.

You owe it to yourself.

What happened back then anyway?

We got into a fight, it got nasty.

It's as simple as that.

Uh, you have nasty fights with people all the time.

It's one of your defining characteristics.

This time the fight ended with, I don't love you anymore.

Why the hell would you say something like that?

I don't know.

I didn't mean it.

I regretted it the second that it came out of my mouth.

He seems happy with this Forrest guy.

Maybe that's what needs to happen.

Who am I to bust in the on the relationship two years later,

and break up their wedding?

Um, you're the guy that loves Max.

And that counts for something.

Yeah I'm pretty sure every asshole

that's wanted to destroy somebody's life

has come up with some sort of shit like that.

Oh God, hang up your f-ing cross.

You make a horrible martyr.

You know you're almost as stubborn as Max.

Don't get pissy with me.

Did you like Lance's suitcase?

You bitch.

Max was in the room when I unpacked that.

I'm curious, how did you know he'd see it.

Um, I am all knowing and I am all seeing.

OK.

And Max is a horrible snoop.

I caught him looking through my bedside drawers once.

It was a safe bet.

How's my pumpkin this morning?

Not right now, darling.

I'm in the middle of something.

Morning, Brick.

Morning, Forrest.

Max.

Good morning, Brick.

There's coffee over there and there's tea in the cabinet

if you prefer.

I think I'll get coffee.

Rough night?

I think I'll stay away from tequila from now on.

It makes it hard to look fabulous first thing

in the morning.

It happens to the best of us.

Did you make those pajamas yourself?

I did, do you like them?

Yea, they're cute.

Thank you.

Where's Aiden?

Oh, he went to meet Janice for breakfast.

Well, help yourself to anything on the table.

Forrest made eggs, sausage, some turnovers, fruit.

And if you'd like some bacon to take, it'll take just a sec.

Oh, no, this is great.

I wish I had a boyfriend who did all this for me.

You hear that, hun?

Yes dear, you're superman.

Never mind, Max.

He's always grumpy first thing in the morning.

So boys, what's the activity for the day?

Oh, we don't have a lot going on,

but we do have Aiden and Brick's tuxedo fitting

later this afternoon.

Um, why don't we go down to the lake and play football,

and maybe swim?

Yeah, sounds great.

What do you think, Aiden?

No offense, but I'm not a fan, and I know Max isn't.

Actually I would love to go play some football.

You sure you don't want to join, Aid?

Uh, no, I've actually got some work to catch up on, thanks.

He's such a party pooper.

He's such a party pooper.

We'll just get the neighbor from next door

to take his place.

Oh, that'd be great.

Aiden?

Yes?

I look ridiculous.

Nah, you look great.

This must be some definition of the word great

I'm not familiar with.

I can't wear it right.

You know, there's a lot of straight women

who think that a tuxedo is the sexiest article of clothing

that a man could have.

I'm not trying to attract straight women,

I'm trying to look cute.

I don't think you get it.

There isn't an article of clothing in the tuxedo that

requires you to put your hands up over your head

while it's being removed.

Huh?

I get it.

Should the occasion arise,

you wouldn't even have to stop kissing.

I suppose it has potential.

Oh, another added bonus, studs instead of buttons

means your shirt can be ripped off in one go.

How do you know so much about tuxes?

I used to own one.

Wore it out.

Well, you look better in one.

I look like a kid at a funeral.

It's because of your posture.

Try and... try and look more butch.

Or not.

So are you going to tell Max you love him,

or just let him get married off thinking you don't care?

I would stay out of it, if I were you.

Normally I stay away from drama like that,

but I have a vested interest.

Yeah, what's that?

Your cuff-links are in backwards.

I don't think Max appreciates Forrest as much as I do.

You gotta be kidding.

You've known him for like five minutes.

I have, like, an outside perspective.

Besides, Max is way too low maintenance for Forrest.

The way I see it, we need to work together.

Work together?

Do I have to spell it out for you?

Apparently.

Look, you want Max.

I want Forrest.

No.

Oh come on.

I saw the way you two act together.

Max totally doesn't act that way with Forrest.

I think you're reading into things.

Forrest is exactly my type.

And I guarantee you, I'm his.

What makes you think that?

Well, I saw the way he was looking at me

when we were playing football.

Yeah, what was up what that?

I played on the JV team.

Huh.

Don't look so surprised.

What makes you think I'd go along with this?

Well, you want Max and your morally flexible.

You're way off on your second assumption,

thank you very much.

Oh, I doubt it.

And I just got you to admit you want Max.

OK, you're smarter than you look.

I'll choose to take that as a compliment.

Assuming I would go along with this,

how do you propose to make Forrest fall in love with you?

Simple, I'll go to his bachelor party.

Last I checked you weren't invited.

Oh, please.

Like that's a problem.

These looks have other uses besides making

people think I'm stupid.

I didn't say that.

Hello, Forrest.

Oh, hey Brick.

Just doing a little cooking and baking.

Cookies will be done in just a second.

Wow, I'm impressed.

Don't be, it's nothing special.

I'm just so excited about the wedding

I can hardly contain myself.

I got to find things to stay busy.

You OK?

You seem a bit stressed.

Oh I'm just dreading going to Max's bachelor party.

Why?

I'll just be a third wheel.

I see what you mean.

But it's OK.

Don't worry about me.

I can survive just about anything.

You're welcome to stay here if you'd like.

Oh.

OK I'll just read a book, or something.

Well you're welcome to go to my party if you'd like.

Might be less awkward.

Are you sure?

Sure.

I'd be happy to have you.

Plus I promise, you'll have a good time.

I'd love to, thanks Forrest.

No worries, have a cookie.

Wow, can I take you home?

Thank you.

Glad you like them.

Let's see.

I've never, ooh, I've never dated Max.

Aiden drink.

Yay.

YaY-

All right, Sam it's your turn.

Something good.

Yeah.

Five of diamonds.

That is give five drinks to anyone.

Hmm, then I'll give them all to you, Max.

Thanks, dear.

Yes, nice choice.

Ace.

What does that mean?

Oh, that means you can order anyone to do anything,

and if they don't they have to take tequila shots.

Nice, well, that's easy.

Janice.

Kiss me or it's two shots to you.

Oh, she is not going to go there.

She is not going to go there.

I guess I have no choice because I

don't really like tequila.

Uh-huh.

Nope you don't, sweet cheeks.

Nice, I think you've done that before.

I plead the fifth.

You'll like Shawn, he's a food critic.

And Gary's a real estate broker.

And his boyfriend, Dave, is a bit of an ass.

But we tolerate him.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate

you inviting me along with you.

No worries.

There they are.

Wow.

Looks posh.

Did you expect anything less?

I don't think I fit in here.

Nonsense, you're with me.

Gentlemen.

There he is.

For you, sir.

And for your lovely friend.

And now to Forrest, who finally got what he always wanted.

A husband.

You lucky dog.

Congratulations, buddy.

I am really excited for you and Max.

Thanks, Gary.

But more importantly than that, who pray-tell is this?

This is Brick.

He's a friend of a friend.

Brick, Gary, Shawn.

That didn't take long.

Enchanted.

Oh, there you are Dave, come meet Brick.

Glad to meet you.

All right, well I think it's time for a round of shots,

and I have some waiting for us.

Shots is all you guys need.

Stripper?

Lord here we go with the shots.

What are we drinking this time, Gary?

Lemon drops, gentleman.

Ooh, excellent choice.

I used to love these.

How does that old joke go?

Twinkie boys love lemon drops and sucking lots of...

- To Forrest. - To Forrest

is how it goes.

Forest

I'm driving.

Always the responsible one.

Give yours to Brick.

Let's get the new guy drunk.

Are you sure?

D- Do you want it, Dave?

No, no.

You go ahead.

Yeah!

Down the hatch.

It begins.

OK, my turn.

King.

Tequila shot for me.

Bottom's up.

Oh, it hurts my throat.

Four.

I give four drinks to Sue.

Just four?

She drinks that before breakfast.

That's nothing.

Nice.

Good job.

Impressive.

Seven.

Aiden, drink all of it.

Jesus.

Drink it all.

I am having fun.

It's a great party.

After that I decided raving was not my cup of tea.

Let's do bet.

I bet you would make an absolutely

adorable little, raver kid.

Oh, no.

No one looks good in that much glitter.

Trust me, I've tried.

Glitter, glow sticks, drugs, and STDs.

What's not adorable about that.

Speaking of glitter...

Don't you dare.

Forrest was a drag queens in college.

That's not exactly true.

I dressed in drag, once, for a fraternity event.

He looked awful.

I know you're thinking, this is a very reasonably attractive

man sitting before us.

But you put a wig on this man, he is the ugliest bitch

you've ever seen.

There's no need to be mean, Gary.

Even though it's pretty damn true.

Was this some kind of like business school hazing ritual?

Business, hell.

Forrest was a music major.

Really?

It's true.

I was studying to be a composer.

Working nights impersonating,

wait for it, Dolly Parton.

So, did you ever do any gender bending?

You know he did.

No, I avoided all that.

I'm surprised.

As femmie as you are, you could have pulled it off.

I think I would have been beautiful.

Cheers to that.

Indeed.

Aw, I'm almost empty.

Watch yourself.

Mm.

How about another round of shots?

Sounds like my kind of guy.

What's your poison?

Um, how about some cinnamon schnapps?

Definitely.

Perfect.

I'll get them.

Thanks, Dave.

Thank you.

Don't mind him.

So, uh, Brick, what do you do for a living?

I'm a teacher.

Algebra.

Nice.

Smart too.

Why Forrest has great taste in friends.

Slow down Casanova.

He's got a boyfriend.

Have a sip, cool off.

I'm not too surprised, I suppose.

Hey, you can't blame a guy for trying though, right?

Fair enough.

Oops.

Go get some paper towels, or something.

Oh, don't worry about it.

He's got to get started eventually.

What are you talking about?

He's the stripper, right?

He's Max's friend, you asshole.

Ohhh, I... I thought only a stripper

would wear those clothes.

Did your whore mommy buy you those close

for your street walking?

Oh, here I'll pay for them.

Brick.

Oh, Ace.

I believe that means I can give anything to anyone.

You got it.

And, uh, I'm ready for round two if you'd like.

Uh, I have a better idea, for now.

Aidan, kiss the man of honor.

I gotta pee.

Oh, OK, my turn.

Excuse me, guys.

Joker.

Ah you strip.

And now that we've gotten rid of him, time for some real fun.

Whoa, whoa.

Get off me, Shawn.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm going to find Brick.

Real mature!

Shut up asshole, or I'll punch you in the face too.

Now sit down.

What the hell was that?

Nothing.

I just didn't think getting a kiss

from your ex seemed appropriate two days before your wedding.

Really?

You've been acting weird all night.

What's up with you?

It's just, nothing.

Don't give me that.

You owe me an explanation.

What's going on?

Oh God, Max.

Tell me.

Please.

Is everything all right?

Excuse me.

Hey.

I'm so sorry.

For what?

I shouldn't have come.

No, I'm sorry.

I should've known Dave would pull something like that.

It isn't your fault. People always

seem to react to me that way.

It's ridiculous.

My dad always used to say I was positively charged.

Negative people come at me.

Wow.

That's geeky.

He was a physicist.

Theoretical.

I'm sure your dad's a smart guy and all,

but life isn't always as simple as physics.

He used to tell me the same thing.

I'm so sorry about your party.

I probably shouldn't have left that way.

No, it's actually good you did.

You gave me an excuse to hit Dave.

You hit him?

For me?

Yeah, I guess I did.

I have to admit I wanted to do it before.

You're really something Forrest.

Come here.

It's going to be okay.

How about we get you home?

Sure.

I'm sticky.

Come on, let's go.

So did you have a good night flirting with Forrest?

Ow.

Did you say ow?

Good morning to you too.

Is he into S&M or something?

I had a bad night.

Bad night?

Care to elaborate?

Well, one of Forrest's friends threw a tray of schnapps at me,

and then called me a hooker.

I'm sorry.

Forrest punched him after I left.

Did I hear you right?

He's an honest to God real life knight in shining armor.

Yeah, well don't get too attached,

he's getting married tomorrow.

I think I'm in love with him.

He's everything I've ever wanted in a boyfriend.

Look, take my advice.

Just let it go.

Max and Forrest are getting married,

and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

That's crap advice and you know it.

I've seen the way you and Max look at each other.

Max never looks at Forrest that way.

I'm going to take a shower.

Oh, no you didn't.

Will you stop that?

I'm trying to take a shower.

I'll stop when you tell Max how you feel.

I can't.

I missed my chance.

No, seriously I can't.

You don't have the choice.

Yeah I do.

Sure I still have feelings for him,

but I can't do anything about it.

End of conversation.

Oh, hold the phone.

Why can't you just be honest?

Forrest is mine.

All you have to do is tell Max how you feel.

Deal?

And if you don't I'll just tell everybody

I'm not your boyfriend.

You wouldn't.

God hath no fury like a queen scorned.

Don't try me.

Deal?

Fine.

Deal.

Do your dirty.

Morning.

Morning, Brick.

Where's Forrest?

Oh, he went to go pick up his fraternity brother

at the airport.

So how was Forrest's party?

He told you?

Yeah, I'm sorry about Dave.

He's a click.

Come to think of it, that's probably all Gary was after.

So what's your plan for the day?

Well, you know I've have done everything I can do.

It's just kind of playing the waiting game, you know?

What about you?

Oh, me and Janice are going to go shopping.

How was your party'?

It was all right.

Aiden got...

Aiden, what?

I was just going to tell your boyfriend

that you had way too much to drink,

and got all surly last night.

Yes, I did.

Sorry about that, Max.

It's all right.

Just don't let it happen again.

Aiden told me all about it.

He said he need to ask you...

Ask you where the rehearsal dinner is tonight.

Oh, it's at Hector's.

They have amazing steaks.

It's really good.

Neat.

So, how was your flight?

It was fine.

A/C?

What?

Need some air?

No man, I'm cool.

Sorry about that, uh, that conversation

we had the other night.

Man, no worries.

It's in the past.

No man, I really am sorry.

It's just I'm a little freaked out about all this.

It makes me uh, it makes me uncomfortable.

It's OK, Jack.

New?

Yeah.

Like new hip, like a hip replacement surgery?

Like that's where you indicate that your new?

We don't want these for you.

No.

What's this?

I must have them, oh my gosh.

What are the snaps for?

What's this?

It's like, in case you want to have a quickie.

While you're ice skating?

Tell me about this Forrest guy.

Oh, it's not lust.

Uh-huh.

It, it well it's not all lust.

He's totally dreamy.

Aww.

You know what's ironic?

What, the shirt?

No.

I have never heard Max say anything

like that about Forrest.

See?

What does he say about Forrest?

Oh, you know the usual.

He's smart, he's successful, he's funny, blah, blah, blah.

Well, duh.

But that just makes him sound like an accessory.

Speak of the devil.

Preaching to the choir.

Amen.

Hm-hmm.

So what are we going to do?

I don't know.

But you got 24 hours to figure that out.

Uh, no.

Come on, help me, please.

OK.

All right.

I have a plan, but it is evil, and Aidan will hate me.

I'm in.

OK, I'm going to provoke Max, but in order for this to work,

you cannot know the details.

OK.

I'll do anything as long as I get Forrest.

Consider it done.

You two look like you're up to no good.

Mm-hmm, don't you know it.

Oh come on, I want a tiara for the wedding.

Aiden?

Aiden.

Sorry.

He's a little scattered brained sometimes.

Apparently.

You to make a lovely couple.

I'd certainly like to think so.

Well, not as lovely, of course, as L-Brick and Aiden

here.

You know when I first met this one,

he was dancing shirtless at club Gay-topia.

And he had to beat him off with a stick.

I'm telling you.

He just...

It wasn't me.

I promise.

His stick.

You get it?

Excuse me a minute, guys.

I'll be right back.

Hm.

I thought it was funny.

I thought you quit.

I did.

I started back when we broke up.

It's a horrible habit.

Sorry.

This is the second time you've left me.

I just needed some air.

If you needed air you wouldn't smoke.

You'd pass out from lack of oxygen.

Go bother somebody else.

I'm not here to fight.

I'm just here to make sure you're OK.

I'm fine.

Yeah, and the Pope is Jewish.

He does wear a yamaka sometimes.

What's going on?

Why does it matter?

It matters to me.

I really don't think you'd want to know.

Tell me.

Max.

Please.

I want to know.

I still love you.

I just wish we can still be together,

and I know I'm being a jerk, and I know you're with Forrest now.

And I know there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm sorry.

How dare you.

How could you do this?

Why couldn't you just come here and be happy for me?

All I wanted was things between us to be OK.

We used to be best friends, for God's sakes.

I told you you wouldn't want to know.

I'm getting married tomorrow, you asshole.

You're right, you are.

Is this some sort of mean joke?

No.

Where are the cameras?

Am I on TV?

World's most awkward moments?

It's been two years.

Why now?

You break up with me, and then you want to get together

the night before my wedding?

Actually, it was you that broke up with me.

Remember?

Oh I remember.

I remember just fine.

I remember you didn't even give me a chance.

What was I supposed to do?

You took a job somewhere else.

Was I supposed to just pack up everything and follow you?

It's not that simple.

You weren't even happy for me.

That is not fair.

I was proud of you, but it meant we couldn't be together.

Why?

Why couldn't we?

I made my reputation with the firm.

Save it!

I've heard all of this before.

Me too.

I'll save you the re-hash.

You wanted some long distance thing,

and we both knew that wasn't going to work out.

And we would have been miserable.

You missed the point.

Well, enlighten me then.

The point is you wanted me to give up my career for you,

yet you wouldn't even consider doing the same for me.

I thought it was what you wanted.

It was.

It was the best decision I ever made.

Besides, we fought constantly.

We also made up constantly.

I just wanted to be normal.

Don't you understand, that is like a normal couple.

We had passion.

We didn't have any goals, any dreams together.

We couldn't even commit to a pet, let alone anything else.

Wait, so because I didn't want to get a dog

means that I didn't want to commit to you?

You're putting words into my mouth.

It's unfair.

Not nearly as unfair as you blaming

me for your choosing to leave.

You know what?

You win.

Whatever you say.

You're right, I'm wrong.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going

to go back into my dinner.

And I suggest you do the same, and sit with your boyfriend.

Because if you storm off like this again,

like you did last night, you're not going

to be welcome at my wedding.

That's that.

Son of a bitch.

Welcome back.

Thank you.

Feeling better?

Much.

Good.

Have some more wine.

Thanks.

Soooo, Jack.

What is it you do?

I'm in the Coast Guard.

You are in the Coast Guard.

He is in the Coast Guard.

Where are you stationed?

Galveston.

You ever been?

I have.

We used to vacation there all the time when I was a kid.

And Max and I were planning

on visiting Jack and spending a few days next summer.

Aren't we, Max.

Yeah.

I'm thinking about going to San Diego next summer.

With Brick, of course.

No one told me.

It's all right, sometimes boyfriends don't

tell each other everything.

So, the Coast Guard.

Um, would you say you're an especially strong swimmer?

I'm a very, very good swimmer.

He's a very, very good swimmer.

Morning, Max.

You ready for the big day?

Morning.

Yeah.

How's my darling boy this morning.

Tired.

It's all right, I didn't sleep that well either.

Would you like me to get you some coffee...

Don't bother.

I can get it myself.

I'm not helpless.

Dear, Aiden could use a refill since you're up.

Aiden couldn't get it himself.

No, that's OK.

I've had quite enough already.

So is everything ready for this afternoon?

Yeah, the florist arrives at 4 o'clock,

along with the tables and chairs,

caterer gets here at 5:00 to set up for the reception at 6:00.

Wow.

Sounds like you have everything set up perfectly.

I'm glad someone appreciates it.

I'll get it.

Hello? Hello and howdydo.

Is Lance there, please.

I'm sorry, who?

Lance.

Lance, is he there please?

Uh, you have the wrong number.

Ohhh, I am so sorry.

I am so sorry.

You have a wonderful day, OK.

Bye now.

No problem.

Hello?

Hello there.

Is Lance present, please?

Wrong number, again.

Did I dial 555-5768?

Yes, but there's no Lance here.

Are you sure?

He's the one running around with the, um, you know,

he's the femmie one?

Yes, I'm sure.

Wrong number.

No Lance.

Are you sure?

Because my friend, Janice, told just

told me to call him here at this number right here.

Yes, I'm sure it's the wrong number.

OK, then.

You have a really fine day, and a most wonderful wedding.

OK, bye now.

OK, you too.

Who was it, dear?

Oh, just the wrong number, twice.

Ah, well, I'm going to get dressed.

Take my seat.

Thanks, dear.

So how does the weather look today for the ceremony?

Looks like it's going to be nice today.

Good.

Hey, Lance, could you pass me a biscuit'?

Sure, no problem.

Uh, Lance is my middle name.

I went by that in college...

Don't event start with me.

No really, I...

Who the hell are you, Lance!

Some sort of escort?

A call boy?

Did he hire you to pose as his boyfriend?

No, I... Aiden just didn't want to come alone, that's all.

Oh, so you make a habit of going

on vacations with strange man.

Leave him alone, you're upset with me, not with him.

Oh, sure he just so happens to look

like the perfect little poster boy for some twink website?

Aiden, how c... I take that back.

I know exactly how you could do something like this.

I only did it because...

Save it.

I heard enough out of you last night.

You, though have you no dignity?

How could you go along with this just pretending

to be somebody's boyfriend, so they would look less pathetic?

What does that make you, huh?

Well I'll tell you.

A great big fucking whore.

You know what?

Now I remember why didn't come after you.

Excuse me.

Oh, go run after little escort.

That's enough Max.

Stay out of this.

I've never seen this side of you before and I don't like it.

You need to calm down.

Don't tell me what to do.

You just sit here and think about it.

I'm going to go check on our guests

and make sure they are all right.

It's OK, Lance.

He's mad at me, not to you.

I should have never gotten you into this.

Let me try.

Forrest, I'm so sorry.

I never meant for any of this to happen.

It's all right.

Max is just really stressed out about the wedding,

it's not your fault. Do me a favor,

call Janice have her talk to Max and calm him down.

OK.

Brick'?

Lance?

You OK?

Forrest.

Yeah, it's me.

Forrest, I'm so sorry.

You have nothing to be sorry about.

Come out and talk to me.

OK.

Come have a seat.

So your real name is Lance.

I'm so sorry.

I only lied about my name.

And about being Aiden's boyfriend.

But, just those things.

It's OK.

I understand.

I was just going to say that Lance is a hell of a lot

better name than Brick.

Worse made-up name ever, right?

I didn't really have a choice, Janice panicked.

Well, it's nice to finally meet you, Lance.

Glad to meet you too.

Really?

And what was that supposed to accomplish?

We were trying to help Aiden.

Right.

Why the fuck would you care anyway?

I care because he lied.

I don't believe that for a second.

You know, people break up.

All the time.

And why does it have to be my fault that he can't move on?

Fair enough.

But, um, but why are you so angry about Lance then?

Hmm?

You know what?

I don't know.

You still love him.

Well you know what?

Fine.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I do still care for that stupid bastard.

I knew it.

But you know what?

I found someone so much better, someone who cares for me,

someone who's genuine.

Um.

Who shows that they care for me every day.

I...

And the best part about

it is, I don't ever have to wonder if he's going to be

with me for another month.

You know?

I'm sorry, Maxie.

Yeah, you, you should be sorry.

Don't let Max hurt your feelings.

He's actually a pretty nice guy, once you get to know him.

I feel horrible.

I'm so fake.

All your friends are right.

You're not a fake.

You pretended to be someone else to help a friend,

that's pretty noble in my book.

It is?

Yeah, it is.

Lance you're a very special person.

You're kind, generous, selfless, and you're funny.

And I know you'll find someone who appreciates you

for everything that you are.

Thank you, that means a lot.

Now it's time for you to go get fabulous.

Maybe the guy of your dreams will be at the wedding today.

Maybe.

Aidan?

Aiden?

Just a sec, menu.

Aiden, we both know the only thing you ever order here

is the buffalo wings, you're avoiding me.

Maybe I should try something new.

Look.

I'm really sorry, OK?

I'm not.

It's fine.

I'm sorry about the way things have turned out.

I...

Can I get you guys something to drink?

Margarita?

Yes, I will need alcohol.

Ah, margarita, top shelf, rock, salt.

OK, For you?

Just a tea, please.

All right, coming right up.

Thank you.

I'm sorry about making you talk to Max.

For the record, you can't, and didn't, make me do anything.

OK.

Then, I'm sorry about telling Max about Lance.

What was that supposed to accomplish?

It was supposed to get him mad, and make.

Forrest call off the wedding.

That's kind of a long shot.

But in my defense it half worked.

If it makes you feel any better, I feel really guilty.

I even told Max that the whole Lance thing was my idea.

Well you didn't have to.

He's not going to hate me any less for it.

No sense in him hating us both.

I think he could tell that it was me on the phone.

God, you didn't use that stupid, awful fake voice,

did you?

Maybe.

Just a little.

Mm-hmm.

It doesn't matter, he doesn't hate you.

I'm sure of that.

How much you willing to put on this one?

Should I take a first aid kit, just in case?

That's not fair.

Sorry, I'm just a little bit bitter about the whole thing.

And stop playing with that.

You don't have to go to the wedding

if you don't want to.

I'll rent a car, and I will take Lance back myself.

No, I owe it to Max.

You don't him anything.

All right guys, here are your drinks.

Mm-mm.

Margarita.

Thank you very much.

And your iced tea.

Thank you.

You guys enjoy.

I don't know, maybe going to the wedding

will help me move on.

God, gay men have the most dramatic closure, don't they?

So, you ready?

I guess.

About as ready as I'm ever going to be.

You look a little nervous.

Not so much nervous just, uh, uncomfortable.

Oh, sorry.

It's not what everybody thinks.

It's not the... it's not the gay thing.

It's uh, Max.

Max?

Yeah, I know you're his best friend and everything,

but I just think Forrest is really

rushing into all of this.

What do you mean?

I think he's more in love with the idea of getting married,

than he is actually in love with Max.

I just don't think they're a very good match.

I don't think it's going to work.

But, don't worry, I'm not going to freak out.

I'm not going to say anything, make a scene or anything.

I'll keep my mouth shut.

I gave Forrest my word, so.

Let's just get this done.

OK.

See you out there.

All right.

It's such a shame, they really balance each other out.

It's true.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing.

I'm fabulous.

Look at it this way, at least now

I know what you're looking for, so now I can help you get it.

I don't want it.

I want Forrest.

Aiden has been rubbing off on you, hasn't he?

The horror, the horror.

Honey, don't quit your day job, you're a sucky actor.

Yeah, well you're a sucky wedding guest.

Trying to make off with one of the grooms, and all.

Keyword, trying-

I failed.

I failed hard.

And they're getting married in four minutes anyway.

Give or take.

Give or take.

Hey, I have an idea.

Hmm.

Why don't we rent a romance movie, and we'll

get some ice cream, and we'll do our very best

sorority girl impersonation.

What do you say?

Hmm?

Sounds good.

Lance, I'm really sorry I got you into this.

It's OK.

It was an experience.

Things have a way of working out for the best.

Trust me.

Isn't that right, babe?

You got it, sweet cheeks.

Oh.

Well, I'm glad one of us got some this weekend.

Max, I...

Look, I know exactly what you're going to say.

I...

I'm glad you have Forrest in your life.

Really?

Do you mean that?

Yeah, I do.

I'm glad you found somebody who makes you happy.

Somebody you can love.

Thanks, Aid.

I'm so sorry about earlier.

Ah, it's all right.

I'm sorry about snapping at you, and snapping at Lance.

And that whole thing.

It's OK.

So, you ready?

Yeah.

I think I am.

Quit preening.

You look fine.

Fabulous.

You wouldn't know fabulous if it hit you across the face.

Maybe not.

But neither would you.

OK.

Let's do this.

Dearly beloved friends and family,

we are gathered here today to witness,

and celebrate, the commitment of two very special people,

Forrest and Max.

Marriage is not to be taken lightly,

it is a sacred bond, and a spiritual bond between two

people for all eternity.

Now, before we begin if any among you

believe that these two should not be joined,

speak now, or forever hold your peace.

I do.

You do?

I just love weddings.

I do.

Read that already.

No way.

Babe, come see.

Shit.

It's OK.

It's the same thing as

Really?

Love you.